#mommy issues the essay now!

[toneelspeelster]

ethics of motherhood: the jane / charlie spring essay

ever since the release of the second season of heartstopper i've seen so many different opinions on jane spring as a parent; she's the absolute devil, overbearing, completely against understanding charlie and his relationship with nick etc. etc. but i would like to delve into why i think the way alice set up jane spring in s2 is a /great/ gateway into a deeper, nuanced storyline between jane and charlie because, quite honestly - it's clearly long overdue. once again, i'd like to use backstory from the comics to infer what might be happening to jane in the series and how, maybe a bit surprisingly to some - charlie is in some respects a lot more like her than you might think.

please note: this is not an apology, or an excuse to jane's behaviour as a mother to charlie; i just want to give her actions a context and i think, show the room for growth which I think would be a beautiful, very nuanced, storyline between parent and child to take on in charlie's mental health story in s3/4.

(tw for parental abuse, discussion of eating disorder)

one thing that really informs jane spring as a character and as a mother in general is her own mother. we see in the comics that her mother is a. physically abusive and b. does not allow jane to have any criticism against her and uses that as a reason for the abuse.

jane later tells charlie the following on her relationship with her mother, acknowledging the effect that her mother had on her - to an extent. she softens the things that happened to her.

jane knows this of her being a mother: she's overbearing, her mother was too, and she was also hoping to be very different to what her mother was to her.

now what i think is a vital thing to consider is the following: jane grew up in a household where she was physically and emotionally unsafe. she was hit for expressing normal teenage behaviour. it should be okay to sometimes not agree with your parents and pushing back at them. they should provide you with a safe method of communication for doing so but they never taught jane that. as a result, i think it's a very human response of people to try and make sure they deal with things differently when they get older; but that also can result in overcompensating behaviour.

my feeling is that jane is overly focused, i think unconsciously, on keeping in particular charlie safe, and in that sometimes loses sight on making him feel actually (emotionally) safe. because safe means to jane: performing well in school, not doing anything that might be dangerous, but also: keep in line with expected social behaviour. what is the safest thing, jane thinks? that your behaviour is perfect. because if you don't give others any reason to think you're being out of order (in whatever way), you will not get abuse. safe is being perfect, doing everything perfectly. you can and should control your life in such a way that it will be possible for things to be perfect.

and guess who feels that way too?

kids learn a lot more from their parents than they would think (or even like).

one of the most interesting changes from novel to tv series i think, is the change of having jane not being immediately supportive of nick from the get go; as it fits in quite well with jane's character trait of being focused on charlie's safety (and by extension julio's character, but he goes about this differently and quite honestly... can be quite of a wet wipe lol) and exercising control over his behaviour to make him safe in her own eyes. she wants him to be socially presentable ("please change out of your pyjamas to meet guests"), to focus on school work, and for him to listen to her when she says he needs to come home; in a sense i think she wants to be aware of where charlie is at a given time and not too stay out too late, because the night? that might be dangerous.

we have to remember that charlie was severely bullied only a year ago, and julio's constant reminders of charlie in s1 of please calling him when the situation gets out of hand with nick's circle of "friends", indicates to me that his parents were aware of the bullying, maybe being informed by ajayi bc i don't see charlie being able to tell that to his parents himself. so: nick's "sort" (tao mentions his circle as "exactly the sort of people who bullied [charlie]") are in jane's eyes boys to be weary of.

so when charlie tells his parents, jane doesn't totally trust it.

this is worsened when it turns out nick is also going on the paris trip. for charlie, that's not the only reason to on the trip at all, but the way the conversation goes with julio's comment that's the reason why he wants to go, this is where nick gets associated in her mind with charlie as something that she needs to be aware of and perhaps even intervene. to make sure he's safe. she needs to control the situation if it goes wrong.

which she does. almost immediately. when charlie shows behaviour out of the ordinary for him and the only cause she sees is nick; he's the new factor in all of this.

it's like she thinks if she doesn't completely nip this behaviour in the bud in a very hard way, all the bad things imaginable will come immediately. like charlie would flunk school within a few weeks. charlie, who's been a high achiever! julio's response is actually quite appropriate, i personally think: it's not a wonder that you're unfocused bc you have been spending time a lot (which we've seen! on screen!) but also i don't want ban you from seeing him completely, just set some boundaries.

interestingly enough, this is also due to charlie overly focusing his efforts on keeping nick essentially perfectly safe in his coming out as well; unfortunately, in that final scene shown above, he's just realised that he's got no control over nick's coming outs being perfect, as david has shown to be very biphobic and dismissive of nick in a way that neither nick or charlie had any say in or could even prevent from happening. jane has the option of trying to control things because she's his mother and has some authority over his life.

jane disappears in the show after this issue of charlie handing in his course work gets resolved for a while, so it does seem like she very much keeps to her word afterwards.

she comes back in time for some growth. tori rightly mentions that the family dinner is not something that their mum would totally enjoy bc tori has seen the criticism jane has regarding nick. but charlie does know nick, feels emotionally safe with him, especially after their convo in the louvre and nick being open about his dad, so charlie is right in saying nick, as a person not the idea that jane has of him by association, might convince her.

and he does.

nick can be trusted; nick has come out to his neglectful parent, chastised his older brother for being an asshole, mentions he feels happy with his life with charlie and living openly as his boyfriend and apologises to his mother for ruining the dinner (a sign of a well mannered boy!). and when sarah tells jane that this is something that she's never seen nick do and that must be of nick's deep care for charlie, jane thinks..

and comes around (a bit).

unfortunately, her overt focus on charlie's grades slipping being due to nick's influence in his life completely makes her neglect the signs that charlie is not eating well (that's something that is building up so gradually that i don't think she sees it as an option). there are some great metas on here by @ finnicksannie regarding this being one of the biggest reasons why charlie's grades are actually slipping.

all in all, i just want to close by saying this is a deeply traumatised mother parenting a deeply traumatised son and they both need time and therapy for a better understanding of the communication between them.

and i think the end of season 2 sets up a nice storyline about that quite nicely. jane accepts nick in their circle, but her communication with charlie has not been resolved; it's just a little tick towards her needing to trust charlie more. he's got good instincts. she's starting to realise.

this is all not an excuse. it's a set up for a responsibility on jane's part to work to communicate with charlie better. but life is life. and we're humans. sometimes we need to learn to grow.

and in the mean time, in the small moments, maybe with what you would say is the bare minimum, with not agreeing with charlie's self deprecation, jane does show her love of her son.

i don't think it's without reason that this was shown.

--

i have not read the novel solitaire / nick & charlie / this winter. feel free to add in comments if there's something in there too! but i do feel the series might incorporate jane's storyline maybe a little bit differently than from in the books; but it sounds like her controlling behaviour is a throughline to it all.

[linniewrites]

We all have our issues | Prologue

idol!jungkook x chubby!student!reader

Summary : She asked me if she was pretty.

Well, it’s clear that the girl’s a fraud.

There's really no way of winning

If in their eyes you'll always be a dumb blonde

Words : 900

Warnings : mommy issues, daddy issues, age gap (Jk is 25 while reader is 20), crying, talk about anxiety, depression, abuse, mentions of panic attacks, school induced stress, fear of dogs (?), insecurities, body shaming.

You grab the cherry and coke flavored candies on the shelf and throw them into the red basket you’re holding with your arm. You then readjust your glasses and head towards the ramen aisle, you take a box of your favorite ramen along with a box of two soft boiled eggs. You ponder for a few moments before deciding to get a spicy salmon gimbap. When checking out the seaweed snacks, you notice a tall man dressed in black sweatpants and a large Nike shirt hesitating between two flavors.

He’s humming a soft tune which sound familiar, but your tiredness doesn’t allow you to remember exactly what it is. You sigh and go pay before setting down your stuff at the counter while you go heat up the ramen. The ringing from the microwave stops you up from almost falling asleep standing up, and you carefully take out your bowl to bring it to the counter. Slowly, you take out your laptop as well as your notebook from your bag to work on your philosophy paper. About ten minutes in your essay, you see from the corner of your eyes a black bag hesitantly being set down.

“Do you mind if I sit here ?” The man from earlier asks. He stares at you and the notes you have before grabbing his bag and taking a few steps back. “If you’re working, I can go somewhere else.” He points at the other seats available, but you shake your head no and gesture for him to sit. You wipe your teary eyes and turn away from him so he couldn’t see the state you were in.

However, that doesn’t look like it worked, because he seems to have noticed, because he hesitantly puts his hand on your shoulder. “I don’t mean to be rude, but, are you okay ?”

You blink at him and look around nervously before answering. “Yeah.”

You wished you could’ve said more, but it felt like you had already said too much. You now fully turn away, so he couldn’t ask you anymore questions, and take a bite of your noodles. The ramen burn your tongue and you blame your upcoming tears on the spice, this time you don’t stop them, and let them fall freely on your lap. You attempt to muffle your cries by shoving more food into your mouth, but to no avail.

Truth is, you were having a pretty good day, one of your classes got cancelled so you got to hang out with some friends, you had lunch together and laughed. And then your mother surprised you. You get along well with her, but sometimes she can be a lot. She had been at your apartment o when you’d came home and it was fun, until she said stuff that bothered you. When you told her you had a great time with friends, she criticized them, and said you should be focused on studies, when you told her you got an amazing grade on an English paper, she asked how much everyone else had.

In the end, you answered that it didn’t matter, because you were proud of your grade, she got mad at you and called you rude, amongst other names. After her whole outburst, she had suddenly decided to be friendly and offered to cook you something so you could relax and watch your favorite show together. For the first time you tried to stand up to her, and you told her you didn’t feel like hanging out today, but she only just laughed at your face, until she realized you were serious. Then, she got even angrier and left, slamming the door like an antsy teenager behind her. You didn’t even bother cleaning up everything she took out and just grabbed your bag before heading to the convenience store. You saw the man next to you steal glances at you every few minutes, and you started to feel bad because he was just being nice and you had ignored him. When you saw him hesitate to ask you if you were okay once more, you turned to face him.

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m just… not really having a great day. But I’m fine, don’t worry.” You wiped your under eyes with the back of your hand.

“Sir ?” He giggled, and you quite frankly thought it was the cutest thing you had ever heard. “I’m sorry you had a bad day. That really sucks. D-Do you want to talk about it ?” He saw your eyes start to wander around so he assumed he was being too intrusive and turned back to his own food. “You don’t have to. I’m sorry.”

“No I’m sorry. You’re being really nice, and I’m just being lame. Even if I wanted to talk about it, I don’t really know what I would tell you, to be honest.”

“How about we just eat ? And if by the end of your meal, you want to talk, I’ll be here.” He offered you, smiling kindly.

“Okay, that’d be nice. Thank you…” You trailed off, waiting for him to introduce himself.

“Jungkook.” He saw the way your face dropped and looked around to see if anything had bothered you or made you sad, but then he heard you whisper to him.

“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I really like your music.”

“Oh, well thank you…”

“___”

[sarascamander]

Reading the cursed child (scorbus, norvelize version in a03). I read the script years ago when I was 11 (funfact it was the first harry potter book I've ever bought). So I'm rereading it again because I have a scorbus brainrot suddenly (11 y/o me shipped Scorpius and Rose so hard but now I grew up let just say my taste had change lmao).

List of thought gonna go longer as I read:

- yo Albus surly personality is basically me when I was 15 it was like looking into a mirror. Hold on there baby I understand you 😭

- I want to write a whole essay on Albus and Harry's relationship. They both are so precious but they just have a hard time with each other.

- Scorpius is the sunshine most sunshine cinnamon role ever. I would kill for him. I would die for him.

- ALL THOSE BULLY BETTER STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY OUTCASTS BABIES.

- “And be my good friend.” what if I die.

- why do people love to torture the cinnamon roll??? I want to hug Scorpio so bad like baby you deserve the moon and the sky and the world. And the fact that he's still trying to be so cheerful and optimistic. THE WORLD DOESN'T DESERVE HIM.

- Albus and Harry's father and son angst is killing me but it is also so delicious I relish in it (it's just so complicated I love it).

- "you’re kind, Scorpius. From the depths of your belly, to the tips of your fingers." Is the sweetest thing I've ever heard anyone said. I love this quote so much I want it tattooed on my forehead.

- Again, Scorpius deserve the fucking world.

- Scorpius and Draco's relationship is SO GOOD, SO PURE, SO SOFT. They love each other so much 😭

- brb I'm going to cry at the fact that Dark AU Ron and Hermione die in such a terrible way a few minutes after they finally confess their feelings (they were scared). 😭😭😭😭😭😭

- Snape is so dramatic. Girl "you're giving up your kingdom for Albus... All it takes is one person." he made it sound like they're in a romance fantasy novel (they are).

- Head empty. Scorpius happiest memory with Albus is strong enough for him to produce a patronus.

- Scorpius is once, again, a cutie pie that deserves everything.

- Delphi is more manipulative than I realized when I first read this lmao.

- GIRL the way Albus said that he and Scorpius ran away to start a new life in the muggle world as an excuse — what do you mean you're eloping at 14??? (Out of chronological order but I just remembered this)

- Delphi when I catch you —

- Never thought I'd be rooting for Draco and Harry duo yet here we are (did I say I love Draco as a dad?? I don't think he's appreciated enough. He's a brilliant dad! THIS is his best redemption arc).

- "What did you say to our son, Harry?" GO OFF QUEEN (Albus is a confirmed mommy boy)

- RON WANT TO MARRY HERMIONE AGAIN. I don't quite ship them in the book/movie but they're just the sweetest in here 😩😩

- I just had the sudden realisation that Scorbus might be the only couple that I ship in hp that is so close to canon (and was canonised by some play if I heard correctly).

- that time where they were in godric hollow and Scorpius was surprised that Albus never knew the full story of his grandparents or visited the place just bc he was being a petty, moody uninterested teenager hit so hard (he is me and I am him). And the shame he felt was real too. I always regret those years in my life where I acted like that and I don't even have a daddy issue like Al did, what's my bloody excuse lmao (I blame fucking hormones) 😩😭

- okay so finished it!! When I was a kid I don't quite like the time travel thingy and find it very confusing but I think it's because it's a screenplay yk, and it was meant to be watched not read. But the novel version did help a lot (and I give the author my hundreds of gratitude, her writing is absolutely beautiful! And she captured the characters perfectly! If you're scared to read The Cursed Child, read her novel version in ao3!!!).

I'm surprised that I actually love the plot more than I thought I would. Yeah it can get a bit unrealistic at times but all in all it's very entertaining and Albus and Scorpius are very well written, very rounded and nuanced characters that carry the book. I'm glad their parents didn't overshadow their personality etc (like them being mini-copies of Harry and Draco). They're their own person and I love that about them!!

They're not Drarry or even Jegulus as I've seen people say, they're in their own league. There are no enemies or hatred or tension between them; Scorpius and Albus genuinely like each other so much from the first they laid their eyes on each other and I adore them for it.

I read a theory that Albus was sent in Slytherin because he subconsciously wanted to be in a house with this kind boy met on the train and it made me want to cry (they were made for each other). (Although I do think Albus have many Slytherin traits, Scorpius I was less sure he screamed Hufflepuff/Ravenclaw to me but admittedly he can be cunning to).

So yeah, I don't think it's that bad as everyone said (and my 11 y/o self). It's fun and I actually cried a lot at the end of it (I have to watch Jily die, do you have any idea what that did to me???) (I don't even ship them but i swear this book set me to default back to canon).

I really want to watch the play, would die for it but it's impossible and I can only dream.xoxo

[bucksboobs]

One of my least favorite takes that I saw was, "The writers have officially reduced Buck's sexuality to something sexual, too. I hate that he's bi because of daddy issues."

1.) He's bi because he's sexually attracted to more than one sex/gender. It's really that simple. He's into men, too, Jan. And this may come as a shocker, but that includes sex with men. He's a character who has always enjoyed sexual intimacy with his partners, why would that suddenly change? He can be hot for a woman, but not a man? He's allowed to have phone sex or use a cockring when with women, but not allowed to suggest his bf likes to be called daddy?

2.) I know that in seasons 1-6, none of them were saying that Buck had only ever been with women in past relationships because of his "mommy issues" (which he does have). There were no meta-arguments or essays about Buck being straight (or closeted) because of his mommy issues. And no one would say that because it's patently absurd. But now that he's with a man, it seems perfectly logical to suggest his interest in men is due to trauma?

They're out here literally suggesting that a (fictional) man is into another (fictional) man because he is suffering from a disordered psychic or behavioral state from severe mental or emotional stress. 

As we’ve pointed out 1000 times: his relationship with Abby was a bigger gap than him and no one called it a psychosis, but make it gay and suddenly it’s “because of trauma”? If someone thinks that, it’s more a statement on their TikTok Pop Psychology Brain than the writers remembering that Buck is not vanilla.

[asteria7fics]

I am absolutely in the mood to read an essay about Kyle's portrayal in fanwork 👀 i could read South Park analysis till the cows come home

Alright alright I’m ready to get into this haha.

A couple of things before I start, everything I’m about to say is just my opinion, yeah? I’m no expert, I just think that the way the fandom treats Kyle in a lot of circumstances is… questionable :)

Oookay, let’s GO!

So believe it or not, I don’t actually read a ton of fanfiction. I don’t really have time these days, and when I do I’m so painfully picky about the way certain characters are portrayed that it’s very hard for me to find fics I really vibe with. That being said, I see a lotta shit on this fine website.

Let’s get the obvious shit out of the way. I do not think Kyle should be the default bottom in ANY ship. If we wanna really get into it, my personal take is that this is a holdover from yaoi/fujoshi culture that is so painfully steeped in heteronormative bullshit of one person needing to be the ‘dominant’ and one needing to be the ‘submissive’ even outside of the context of kink. Essentially, one character has to be the ‘girl’ and one has to be the ‘boy’, even in a homosexual relationship.

I’ve blabbed about this before, but I don’t think I’ve ever talked about why I don’t think that Kyle should be the default ‘submissive’ in his relationships.

First of all, Kyle is just not submissive. At all. Or I should say, he isn’t often. I think the only context where he tends to submit is with his mother, and if you really want to sit here and defend your choice based on him having ‘mommy issues’, I guess you can technically say that.

Personally, I see Kyle as being very headstrong and, honestly kinda intense. While this hasn’t always been super consistent in his personality early on in the show’s run, it’s certainly has been now. I mean, he was willing to shoot at his friends’ moms in The End of Obesity because he believed so strongly in what he was doing, and why he was doing it. Kyle’s stubbornness and unwillingness to waver on his morals and values is a driving force for conflict in the show, like, all the fucking time, whether he’s correct (as in, the creators agree with his stance) or not.

I bring up his personality in the early run because I do think a lot of the issues I have with his characterization now comes more from early fandom portrayals than anything that’s actually currently supported by the source material. As an example, Kyle being the weakest physically of the main four makes a lot of sense in the context of those early seasons, but it doesn’t really work with his current characterization, if I’m being honest.

This isn’t to say I dislike him being sickly, mind you. I actually think that can be really compelling if Kyle has to grapple with the fact that his physical weakness is at odds with his mental strength.

Hoooowever, I think this has to be done in a really specific way, and this sorta brings me to my next point.

Why are we out here victimizing Kyle so damn much? Like, I get it, bad shit happens to him in the show (don’t talk to me about Humancentipad) but why are we just tormenting Kyle for seemingly no reason? Are we in the middle of a dead dove arms race?

I do think this ties back to this idea of Kyle being a default submissive, and I’ve certainly not always been kind to the kid in my own work but damn you guys are fucking mean to him. What did he ever do to you??

I suppose tormenting characters is sort of… par for the course in any fandom, but man I just don’t see the appeal of it being Kyle that’s getting the brunt of the abuse, especially when he ends up being reduced to a helpless, pathetic little thing. Like at that point just pick a different character, I mean Butters is right there you guys.

I’m not going to act like any one ship leans more or less into these tropes either, I think all sides of the fandom are guilty of disregarding a lot of what makes Kyle’s character compelling in the show. I will, however, take a moment to complain about some of the popular ships that Kyle is in.

Kyman: You know how I feel about these two. A stellar dynamic with so much problematic shit bubbling under the surface. Let’s disregard the inherent discomfort around an open anti-Semite and a Jewish person being together because… I willingly ignore that to ship Yentlman in my main works (rip self read). Even without that bit of their relationship, these two are just too goddamn similar. Both stubborn, both going to extreme lengths to prove the other wrong, OR enabling one another to do some pretty shitty things.

I think Post Covid did it best by showing how they BOTH bring out the worst in one another. While I enjoy these two platonically, I don’t personally enjoy romantic ships that are this toxic.

I’ve also expressed before that I think a fic lives and dies on how Cartman is written, so while this post is about Kyle’s depictions in fan works, I do think we have to consider the way the other half of a pair is written as well.

I got some really lovely tags on that one post I reblogged and word vomited all over that brought up how Cartman, supported by canon, is a severely traumatized individual, and how that can support a more sympathetic view of him (I’m not tagging the person in case they don’t want to be involved in discourse like this but I appreciate your insights and you made a very good point, if you are reading this).

This does, however, bring up a whole other host of issues with their dynamic. If we’re romanticizing the idea that Kyle is some kind of moral savior for Cartman then… man, idk. You guys are gonna have to help me on this one, is that common in the ship? Is Kyle playing therapist with Cartman, and that’s how we’re justifying sanitizing him?

Also, say it with me now, there is no way in sand hell that Kyle would let Cartman top him. I know, I’ve read it, and I can see where the idea is coming from but come on. Kyle is too prideful for that shit. Now if y’all start giving me Kyle topping Cartman and making him fucking beg for that hot Jew sploog then MAYBE I’d be able to get behind this ship.

Style: Oh you thought my preferred ship was safe? Haha no ma’am, because Style shippers are the fucking WORST when it comes to feminizing Kyle.

I respect the Style shippers that came before me with their football star Stan and pissbaby twink Kyle, I really do. However it’s time to move on. I made this point in a previous post (that I know you’ve seen my friend, much love for your support on my hot takes) but for those who didn’t see it, I really believe the thing that separates Kyman shippers from Style shippers is that Kyman shippers tend to treat Kyle like an equal to Cartman, while Style shippers really lean on Kyle being weaker than Stan to make their dynamics work.

What’s really funny to me is that what I think makes Style work in its best iterations is when they are truly treated as equals, because they absolutely should be.

Now I may sound like a hypocrite here because I know I play around with power dynamics in my Styles quite a bit, but I think I make it very clear that even when Kyle is technically bottoming, he is not necessarily submitting.

I also can give credit where credit is due, Kyman shippers do not shy away from how much of an asshole Kyle can be sometimes. Style shippers though? Man, I understand wanting to lean more on Kyle's positive traits (he IS a very empathetic, friendly, driven person that always wants to do the right thing) but he can become 'too good' very quickly when you don't balance those things out with his negative traits.

Kyle is pretentious. Kyle thinks he knows best even when he really doesn't. Kyle is quick to anger and sometimes cares TOO much, to the point of getting carried away and making things worse (rip to Canada).

The only negative trait Style shippers are pretty consistently on board with is him being hotheaded, which is fair! But also? To stay consistent with my current branding, that's like seasoning all of your food with just salt and pepper. Like sure, it adds flavor, but we all know the dish could taste so much better if you sprinkle on a little something more.

K2: I am... Utterly indifferent to this ship. Like, I've seen some cute fanart? But I've never partaken and it doesn't really interest me, sorry gang.

Cryle: Another ship I've never really partaken in, but that makes significantly less sense to me. It's giving crack ship, which is fine? But from what I have consumed a lot of people sort of approach them with all the worst aspects of both Kyman and Style. Craig is not as compelling as Cartman as a foil for Kyle, so when people do lean into the evil Craig headcanon that was common in early fandom, it seems they also lean into the pathetic, victim Kyle tropes that are common in Style works.

I'm sorry if y'all love this ship, I'd never really paid it any mind until recently and while I have read works that included them that I thoroughly enjoyed, I don't think I'll ever root for them to be endgame.

And if your favorite Kyle ship isn't here, sorry to say I don't know enough to speak on them (in fact I shouldn't have even brought up K2 for that reason, but I figured someone would probably mention it since it seems pretty popular).

Look, this is a mess and I am certainly not the authority on characterizing any of these goobers. But you asked, and I hope you enjoyed my silly little opinions. This is in no way meant to be constructive, but if you guys want something more organized and constructive breaking down how I characterize Kyle or any of the kids, you know where to ask!

[luvwich]

✒️ writer interview tag

tagged by @dustdeepsea — tysm, this was great fun! read their answers here and mine, if you like, beneath the cut ✨

When did you start writing?

early 2023 was my first foray into writing actual fiction. prior to that i'd done an embarrassing amount of roleplaying many years ago, which i shall speak on no further, but it did form the basis for a lot of my writing now!

once upon a time, i seriously entertained the idea of an MFA in screenwriting, but went on to pursue something even stupider for grad school 👍

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

honestly everything i enjoy reading gets smuggled into my writing in some form or another!

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

there are like 26 different writers where i wish to take bits and pieces of their style, send it all into a meat grinder, and press the gunk into sausage casings to be dipped in batter and deep fried. ideally i want my writing to hit like wagyu beef that's been corrupted into a county fair corn dog. but no i'm not sure i've ever been compared to another writer! that would fuck my shit up truly (in a good way)

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

typically curled up on my couch, because the ergonomic status of my home office setup is terrible — potentially lethal. sometimes i stay late at my not-home office, hidden away in a dark conference room, but that's usually only if i'm on a self-imposed deadline (i.e. i've started posting a WIP)

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

the spark that gets me to write is usually some kind of Dynamic that i want to explore so i do a lot of noodling upon situations and then figuring out how to get there. and by situations i mean smut

also, writing bits of dialogue, even if i don't know the context yet. it gets a character's voice and mannerisms in my head, and gives me a little grain to start building on

sadly, going on a hike and/or reading a really good book are both very effective and by far the most time consuming

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

longing, isolation, identity, the difference between the person you'd like to be and the person you are, strained/dysfunctional family relationships, wrong person right time, hope, blowjobs, self-deception, california, fucking your way through it, guilt, social class, mommy issues, mono no aware, oral fingering, etc; they don't surprise me anymore but the first time i finished a long fic and took a step back i was like "ohh haha Damn"

What is your reason for writing?

i am horny, sad n silly

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

all forms of feedback are so touching! i think much of what i write is pretty niche, so simply knowing someone has read my stuff gets me pumped. a big essay of a comment is like receiving a love letter, and comments that are just an emoji are like someone's tucked a little note in my lunchbox, and both are incredibly nourishing to me. as far as motivation, though, anything that implies someone is looking forward to reading more is the surest way to light a fire under my people-pleasing ass

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

affable wretch, trickster, wine aunt

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

i'm not sure any one thing stands out: i believe i'm pretty good in a few areas (dialogue, sensory detail, characterization) and notably lacking in others (action, "plot," pacing, not getting high on my own supply)… okay i'll stop being an asshole though and say my strength is in "delivering on a mood," if that is a thing

How do you feel about your own writing?

generally good. for one, i'm proud of myself for ever finishing and posting anything, because following through on shit isn't something i'm renown for. i tend to hate everything i write after i've gotten some distance from it, but i think that's normal? right? i'm new at it and it's all for fun so i try to be gracious with myself, with mixed success, because beneath my goofy exterior i do take everything too seriously

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

mostly for myself; i do abstractly ask "would someone who isn't me enjoy this?" and never quite know the answer. like most humans i crave external validation and connection, but like a cactus i can survive on just a lil rainfall 🌵

tagging w/no pressure (but with my best barbara walters impression) @corpocyborg @ghostoffuturespast @merge-conflict @streetkid-named-desire @writing-for-soup

[rottenpumpkin13]

Out of Context Shit Heard on the SOLDIER floor #4

A portion of these were sent in/inspired by an ask sent by @strawberrysnortshake

Zack: Ironically this isn't the first time I've accidentally eaten chalk.

Angeal: Attention everyone we're now taking votes. Raise your hand if you would sleep with Sephi—I DIDN'T FINISH SAYING HIS NAME PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN.

Kunsel: We're all out of duct tape. Angeal used the last of it to tape Genesis to the ceiling.

Sephiroth: Are you satisfied with your fish sticks, Zackary?

Genesis: Why does it smell like mommy issues in here—oh hi, Sephiroth.

Zack: I'm officially 23% goat milk.

Genesis: Well well well if it isn't my old nemesis, Heterosexuality.

Zack: Aww! 🥰 You're the antichrist!

Cloud: Yeah you're a SOLDIER alright, a sold your ass.

Zack: Where are we supposed to put this giant clown statue?

Lazard: WHY do you have a giant clown statue?

Sephiroth walking towards Genesis's office with a flamethrower: The goddess has had it good for far too long.

Essai: If we all chip in, we can finally buy Kunsel a face.

Genesis: I guess this means that the box labeled used illegal knick-knacks is off limits?

Roche: let's all dance maniacally and pretend we're gay!

Lazard: ANGEAL THAT ELEVATOR IS COMING OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK!

Sephiroth: Are you, as the kids say, flexing on 'em?

Zack: Does anyone know what happened to my Sephiroth scented candle?

Sephiroth: I'll add murder supplies and can of whipped cream to the shopping list.

Luxiere: Let me guess, nobody cared about your light up sneakers?

Zack: 🎶 We take the pain out of paint 🎶

Roche: Have a slutty, slutty evening, director.

Angeal: Gen, can you let me have a cup of coffee before you start divulging your theories on why Cloud Strife is a time traveler?

Zack: I am going to default dance my way through hell!

Cloud: Cool trick! I'm a wizard now.

Genesis: I will start rumors about your sex life.

Lazard: Sephiroth I can't fire you, but I can mysteriously make sure you go bald.

Kunsel: This is a cave. Nothing really matters.

Sephiroth: how does one acquire a leprechaun? Can you order one online?

Roche: Commander Rhapsodos is so pretty. He reminds me of a prostitute.

Sephiroth: Genesis got me a journal for my birthday. I think I'm supposed to write down my feelings but I don't have enough pages for that.

Kunsel: when will we be free from the chains of foot pictures?

Genesis: If I find drugs in this office I'm confiscating it for my own personal use.

Lazard: Would anyone care to explain why there was a condom filled with grape jelly in the break room?

Zack(drunk): Good evening, my esteemed bastards.

Angeal: Bullying is only allowed on the SOLDIER floor if it makes Genesis cry.

Sephiroth: Mental healthn't.

Kunsel: is anyone here familiar with the concept of witchcraft? we're hexing Commander Rhapsodos at dawn.

Luxiere: Here kitty kitt—Oh that is a huuuge cat—OH IT'S GENERAL SEPHIROTH.

Angeal: Why did you spell salmonella as Sal Minella???? Who's Sal???

Sephiroth, while walking towards his office with an entire pie and a fork: Do not presume to question my actions.

Lazard: If we suffer any more budget cuts we're going to use Zack's hair as a broom.

Sephiroth: Which one of you locked Director Lazard in the Janitor's closet?

Cloud, watching Genesis recite LOVELESS: The evil gay red man is at it again.

[amesliu]

so disclaimer: I haven't read the book yet so I don't have the full context + i'm not USAmerican so I dunno how relevant this would be to pjo

Also so sorry for the essay... do ignore this if you don't want to go into this further! I just get rambly about cultures and cultural differences haha

In my family it really depends on who the guest is on what is acceptable behaviour? I guess? Closest to percy and annabeth would probably be my sister and her long term boyfriend (5 -ish years, they're early twenties). He isn't expected to help out, but he's allowed to and does regularly help set the table. In this case he also eats at my parent's at least twice a week. Sometimes he and my sister cook, sometimes they clean etc. (he also helps us host at birthdays sometimes! like offer other guests drinks that kind of stuff) Different example: close family typically helps out in the kitchen. My grandma refuses to let us do anything without her help no matter how insistent we are that "You're our guest! Let us do the work!" she'll just tell us that it would be rude of her to let her (grand)children do all the work while she sits and watches. We also always offer our help when we're over at family. (my mom's best friend, who she has known since college, is the same way btw. She also insists on helping us and we always offer our help when we are visiting her and her family) Now, if the boyfriend's parents came over to eat dinner my parents would not let them lift a finger. Same with neighbours, colleagues and other more casual acquaintances.

If I went off of my own experiences and no further context i'd say that rr is trying to show that percy, annabeth and their friends are very close

I totally get that and I agree it’s context sensitive. HOWEVER. My issues with this scene are as follows:

1. Percy appears to be not doing much of anything in this scene? Like the page I read is just him standing there narrating the scene…….? It literally says “Grover and juniper were setting the table which is usually my job” maybe I’m wrong and I’m missing context but that’s what it read like. But this isn’t rlly my main issue with the food stuff so oh well

2. I have a huge contention with Rick’s push to make Annabeth into a character that is like. Good at and interested in cooking and food handling in general. His justification for her learning to cook appears to be “she’s smart and so ahead in her classes she just decided to” which goes back to my point that I made on my side blog about the poor representation of Annabeth as a “smart adhder”. It feels like a retroactive and lazy justification for a character trait that he has already decided for her when her upbringing and personality has given me no reason to believe she would ever need or care to learn to cook. Her doing so could be an interesting way to explore the way her priorities shift as she gets older as Jules discussed on my post about sohaes last chapter but it’s not being used that way and when he randomly starts pushing his one female character in his main trio to start cooking when both his male characters have a much better characterization for it it also feels somewhat misogynistic and “mommy-ifying” with how heavily the cooking focuses on Annabeth being so so good at cooking

I don’t want this to come off as me saying a female character who cooks is inherently misogynistic but this sudden addition to her character says nothing and does nothing when it can and should. Either she remains not good at cooking and we see food as a medium for care and affection with Percy and Sally as caretakers expecting nothing in return or we see her learn with Sally as a symbolic representation of her gaining smth she lost as a kid. But learning to cook in a class bc she’s just so smart and good at school is… not it.

And even then. What if she does learn in an academic and STRUGGLES with it. How does that interact with her pride? Her personality? Etc.

I think this is a huge issue I have with a lot of the ideas he brings up where they could be incredibly interesting things to explore but he will never take it there so it just feels random. We’re not at a point where we’re supposed to be teaching an audience about a character we’re at the exploring their depth stage and he just. Doesn’t act that way.

3. A cultural issue I guess but my partner would never be allowed to do the work at my parents house but we are sort of a fist fight for the bill type of culture so 🤷‍♂️

Side note: the tangent about Percy being like “wow I’d never think to ask if salad was okay for juniper” followed by the immediate tangent about how hard he’s thought about the feelings of fish and whether or not he eats them was like… something. Idk what but it ticked me off LOOOL

[chnt-confessions]

i think i'm the only person in the entire fandom that has any genuine empathy for elijah, and i'm stuck thinking there's something deeply wrong with me for that. i feel like quite a lot of people split black on him (and joshua) and then split white on jedidiah, and sydney. the ONLY two options are to dehumanize or objectify him. no hate to jedidiah-likers, but jedidiah is not a victim. he doesn't act entirely the way he does because of trauma, he acts that way because he implicitly looks down on sydney. what kind of man jeopardizes the entire world for a man that he let gravely sick in the first place, only to gaslight and neglect him?? all this because of mommy and daddy issues that, like, 70% of the population has?? i had to headcanon extra issues and trauma for him to just to keep myself sane. i don't mean to invalidate his trauma, but he has lived such a privileged life and can easily go to therapy and yet. i'm sorry but it's bojack-horseman levels of "how tf do you expect me to feel bad for you? lmao." like, i need him to get better because people will likely die if he gets any worse, but other than i couldn't care less about this guy. i'm way more sympathetic to sydney because he's trying his best but he seems to have an empathy deficiency of some kind (it's not his fault but it is painfully obvious sometimes and i wish i could fix him but i have to fix myself first because i also deal with this); i also relate to the "feeling unlovable" aspect of things.

we have only seen elijah at his worst. the elephant man is elijah "mental breakdown, 2 years and counting psychotic episode" core; did everyone just assume he was born like that? and if he was, that would also make me sad tbh. he had a similar upbringing to jedidiah and yet he does not show it at all and i'm wondering what tf was different. he also generally sucks at being a villain sometimes (i.e. telling sydney his weakness, letting sydney go back to jedidiah, reacting way better than most people would when sydney told him that he couldn't get the journals). when jedidiah says "sydney, you're always fine." vs when elijah says it; jedidiah said it to gaslight sydney and because he feels bitter about the fact he's working so hard to keep sydney alive and can't use it to manipulate him (i'm joking but i'm also not joking), while elijah was just being a little acolyte and also he's symbolically the earth, so when he says the earth will catch him when he falls, he is fr. idk what snapped in him with the murder-suicide thing but considering that he is the earth, and unfortunately due to sydney's weird little mind and jedidiah's horribleness, the earth is, like, post-apocalyptic now so it probably has something to do with that (idk why he switched from stabbing to burning alive; probably cuz of the theatrics/j). anyway, he does suck and he needs to go back to russia and never come back for everyone's good, but i really do think he would be better than jedidiah could ever be (yes, even with therapy; i'm literally speaking facts/hj) if "everyday [wasn't] a living fucking nightmare." and i'm constantly like "._." whenever i remember that jedidiah is the reason "everyday is a living fucking nightmare." also i really wanna see someone do elijah/the elephant man analysis/interpretation that doesn't reek of disgust and hatred (or lust; do whatever you want, but i'm judging you rn), just for variety tbh. here is his official playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/389N5sUULTXFC63I3CSn7c?si=756dacaa18cd491c some of the songs in here are, like, "???" and i want to see someone's else's take on them (even elijah haters tbh) sorry for the essay, that's all i wanted to say :)

also im so happy that i can say this anonymously, thank you chnt-confessions for doing god's work, i love you platonically <3

(ABOUT THE LAST PART) no need to apologize and I'm really glad to make you happy!!

[mommyashtoreth]

do you think crowley has trauma from the fall, and if so, how do you think it affects him, if at all?

Hmm... kind of? But I don't think it's nearly as big a deal as people make it out to be in fan stuff. Crowley cleaaaarly harbors some bitterness about the whole falling thing ("I didn't ask to fall, I was just hanging around the wrong people" etc etc), but it's just that, bitterness. It doesn't tear him apart, he doesn't agonize about it, it's not As big a part of him as some people write it to be. Like I said in my "does Crowley have mommy issues" ask, I just do not read Crowley as someone who in the present cares enough, if at all, about what God thinks to actively mourn the loss of his status as an angel OR harbor any intense hatred towards Them for his fall. He clearly shows in the s2 finale that he both has no reservations about returning to Heaven (as an infiltrator), but also no desire to be restored as an angel. Every version of this character has some sort of too-cool-for-school above-it-all energy, which I also talk about in my assimilationism vs separatism essay, and s2 really defines that too ("my own side", everything about "just being an 'us'", even just the general cinematic language of Crowley living in his car and having a visible "replacement", making a clear distinction between Hell and him). I think Crowley is very aware of his fall and thinks of it as unjust, and while I definitely think exploring some of the potential trauma from that earlier in the timeline is interesting, I just don't think it's something that affects him on a day-to-day basis in the present (he has bigger fish to fry right now. Like divorce). If anything, I would again classify Aziraphale as more actively "traumatized" by God, if anything, because he actually still cares.

[bigfatlesbian]

Does Dame Aylin have mommy issues? An essay nobody asked for

Disclaimer: This is not what I 100% believe to be canon but rather a train of thought I've been having for some time now so I decided to share. Feel free to disagree or add to it. (Yes, part of it might as well be me projecting, lol).

And of course: spoiler warning for both the act 2 and act 3 nightsong quest.

So, Aasimars usually have a celestial ancestor a few generations removed. Even with faint divine heritage they function as champions of the gods (which we see with Aylin as well).

Now, Aylin's divine heritage is much more recent with her being a direct descendant of Selune. This suggests greater involvement from Selune as opposed to the 'usual' Aasimar family dynamic (which is most often laced with expectations of greatness anyway).

We don't know anything about Aylin's mortal parent so this is just me assuming but considering she's been 'blessed' with immortality along with everything her life's purpose is obvious: being Selune's sword.

So she would have to have been raised as exactly that. And for a long time (maybe even centuries bc afaik she doesn't have a canon age), she was very content in being just that, a weapon. She obviously enjoys fighting, especially for what she believes is right (and she obviously believes in her mother's cause).

Considering Selune is a very responsive and involved deity there's no way she has time to be an actual mother figure in Aylin's life. Especially with her war against Shar, I would assume there's more of a general/sovereign relationship going on.

My headcanon is that she's only ever learned how to interact with mortals by playing the role of the demigod (which is why her dialogue with Tav is so stiff and 'knightly'). That only ever changed for Isobel because Isobel actually sees the person and not just the legend or the idea. In turn, Isobel shows her that she's not just divine but has mortal blood running through her as well.

Now, assuming she was content in her role as sword before, meeting Isobel might have put some cracks into that as Aylin learns that she can connect with mortals instead of just being a beacon of her mother's religion.

So then Isobel dies and with her Aylin's newfound identity as something more than just a divine pawn. She has a century of being killed over and over again to realize what her mother is using her for.

While gods aren't supposed to meddle in mortal affairs, surely (an actually motherly) Selune would've led clerics/ other adventurers to the Nightsong in an attempt to free her daughter. As far as we know that never happened. Now that could be due to Shar's influence and the shadow curse, but Aylin wasn't exactly aware of what was happening on the surface during her time in the Shadowfell so I imagine her faith must've faltered somewhat. All that time in the soulcage, being killed and resurrected over and over again must've changed her outlook on her immortality (if seeing Isobel die hadn't done that already). Where everyone sees a gift/blessing from Selune Aylin knows what it really is: a tool to make her a means to an end and in turn (for her as an individual) a curse.

So while I can get behind the theories of her breaking her oath by killing Lorroakan without due cause, I think what she truly lost might've been her undying belief in Selune and Selune's cause. She's realized that all people see when they look at her is her immortality and her servitude to her mother. And while she still wants to serve her mother because her core beliefs still align with Selune's teachings, she might also want a little more. She might want to actually have a life for herself, especially one with an end. So in the end she might get a little more selfish and a little less perfect and I think that's beautiful.

TLDR:

What if your mom was a god and you felt indebted to her? And what if she still let you suffer through a century of pure hell?

Or: I believe Aylin has a ton of potential for character growth that goes beyond her being the standard Mary Sue DMPC some people on Steam/Reddit make her out to be and Isobel is the catalyst for it. (Bc she's exactly what Aylin has always needed, we're romantic lesbians in this household, ok?)

[jacquesthepigeon]

I know it’s not the same but watching video essays about tradwives reminded me of how much I hate trophy stay at home husband Adrien posts bc like

While a lot of stay at home parents are able to maintain fulfilling lives outside of their family, there is a HUGE risk in becoming financially dependent on your spouse and taking on most of the child rearing responsibilities. For one, your partner could walk out on you or die, leaving you without income and with an enormous gap in your resume when you do eventually have to get a job. On the flip side, your partner could refuse to leave or die and abuse their control over your finances to restrict your personal freedoms. And when it comes to being primarily responsible for children, it can be extremely limiting and isolating if you try doing it on your own without help either for convenience, to satisfy societal expectations of the role, or for financial reasons. You have to get involved with extracurriculars outside of your family to keep your sanity, at least join a mommy group.

All of this is to say, those posts about Adrien marrying straight out of lycée, not going to university, never getting a job, just going straight to being a stay at home husband set off alarm bells in my head because he’s prime material to fall into an abusive situation again. “But Marinette wouldn’t treat him like that” DOESN’T MATTER! He should become a fulfilled person before taking such a big choice that will impact his ability to function for the foreseeable future. He needs something to fall back on, a safety net. “But he’s rich from inheritance/child star work/etc.” DOESN’T MATTER! His funds might not be liquid or there might be a ridiculous amount of hoops to jump through to access. He might’ve used the money on a house, car, whatever. Look at his hopeless romantic ass and tell me he would properly protect himself with a prenup. He would not.

My point is that Adrien, from S1 up until now, has never been at a point where I could look at him and think that such an arrangement would be beneficial to him in any way. He already has issues with codependency, has issues with his own identity, has issues asking for help when he needs it, has issues setting boundaries, has issues regarding his independence, he has every issue you could think of that would make him more vulnerable to abuse in a stay at home parent arrangement. So like, if those posts are them picturing him like that after extensive development then great, but I usually only see these takes from canon lovers who think it’d be “cute”. Again, I’m not saying anyone is problematic for having such headcanons, but I just don’t get the appeal.

[vintagesweatersnchocolate]

these bitches, specifically human marshall lee and human gary prince, are so wolfstar coded and i will die on this hill

in this essay i will

CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR FIONA & CAKE EPS 1-8

okay first let’s talk about human marshall lee.

what do we know about him from eps 1-8 Adventure Time: Fiona & Cake?

black leather jacket

mommy issues™️

from rich family that he doesn’t agree with

doesn’t want to be his family’s heir

mother only accepts him if he fits into a certain mold

plays guitar (popular sirius hc)

“bad boy” who secretly grew up rich

cares very deeply about the people he loves (which are not his biological family)

punk rock fashion and attitude

talkative and fairly outgoing

shorter than gary

obviously, most of what we know about younger sirius is based off of headcanons but marshall seems like such a sirius variant.

now onto to gary prince-

sweaters, jackets and scarves dressed very cozily

old man energy

very dedicated to his work (like remus with academic validation)

ambitious

over-thinker to the max

often lost in his own little world

fantasy as escapism

creates in depth stories and lore (writer remus is a widely accepted hc)

introverted but still stands up for his beliefs

has a nighttime secret (sneaking into the bakery)

broke

quick temper

tall n lanky

nerd

he is so AU remus

now moving onto their dynamic together- so many scenes between them could easily be applicable to wolfstar.

figure 1. punk (also flirting)

figure 2. marshall wanting to know all about gary’s special interest/writing

figure 3. comforting over mommy issues

figure 4. gary pulling (saving) marshall from his manipulative mother

there were so many scenes that just made me feel like i was reading a wolfstar fanfic. the way marshall listens to gary and tries to help him achieve his dreams, even though he doesn’t have many concrete ambitions of his own, and the way gary protects and comforts marshall lee screams wolfstar. additionally, the archetypes marshall and gary fall into are very similar to the archetypes that sirius and remus fall into, which consequently creates a similar relationship dynamic.

tldr: marshall lee and gary prince are a wolfstar variant because they’re literally AUs of each other.

edit credits for the screen caps used: (these edits helped me to realize just how similar they are to wolfstar)

[krokodilsredimudil]

I'm pulling @heroes-trash and @siderealtime tags from my recent post because I want to reply! Why did I place Elle in the 'mommy issues post'?

First, disclaimer: I'm still rewatching, I'm on episode 9 (s3). I don't remember all the plot points (I watched the show more than 10 years ago), so I might be wrong. But I'm interpreting things as I see them unfold on the screen.

Also, this is my excuse to write an essay on Sylar, bear with me.

So, Sylar ...

He's insecure and unloved by his parents, so he craves attention from other people. He wants to be Gabriel Gray, to be enough, to live his life knowing that someone will love him for who he is.

This issue stems from his emotionally abusive relationship with his mother, Virginia.

He said it, Virginia, he doesn't want to be a banker. She doesn't care, because all she cares about is keeping up appearances and making him do what she wants, not what HE wants. "You could be anything you want" my ass.

This further proves the idea that she doesn't care about what he wants. She wants him to be someone Of Great Importance in the eyes of other people. This formed his trauma and shaped how he views relationships with others.

Also, this foreshadows him being a president in the s1 alternative future. Nathan-shaped, he lost his identity and is now following his mama's wishes.

This shot shows how creepy that mother-son relationship is.

The idea of him being 'not enough' is evident to everyone, that's why he's so easily manipulated.

The scene that shows how Elle first met Gabriel proves that the Company has been watching him for some time now.

I believe that they might have been watching his mother's apartment as well, so they know all his triggers.

They send in a girl who can play him like a fiddle by showing him compassion and understanding – something that he couldn't get from his mother.

He calls Elle 'an angel', which is an interesting word choice since he's named Gabriel (archangel) and his mother is Virginia (pure).

Elle is able to manipulate him by resorting to 'mommy tactics'. (Angela did the same)

Let's compare two scenes: the scene in Virginia's apartment and the scene in Gabriel's apartment.

So, both scenes involve 'mother' figures (with updos, lol) and food. In the first scene, Gabriel is forced to eat the sandwich (or else he'll make mommy upset). In the second scene, he's finally presented with something that he actually prefers and he can share it with another person.

Now, the final blow:

Playing on his insecurities and his desire to connect with others, Elle breaks him. Just like his mother did with the whole 'president' speech.

TL;DR: Sylar's desire to be 'special' is based on his trauma and relationship with his mother. The Company (Elle) is able to manipulate him using that against him. Mommy issues prevail.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Love in the Big City: Part Two

Once again I find myself without an original essay already floating in my head, so shout out to @bengiyo for the discussion questions. They are a life saver! 

I find the question about I maintain effective distance from a narrator when the story gets heavy, but I am not sure that that is something I know how to do. In my day to day life I often feel cut off from emotions. I process my emotions through media, where putting myself in the experiences and feelings of the characters can be used like armor as I turn to face my own. I fail time and time again to maintain effective distance from my characters, because my characters are how I maintain effective distance from myself. I suspect Mr. Young and I have that in common. 

I’m glad for these essays because last week’s made me really have to think about Young, what he was like, why he was like that, how his friendship with Jaehee broke down when Young wasn’t able to be serious. Because I feel like Part Two is proof for me that my initial read was correct. But just like in Part One, where Young mentions his own problems almost off-handedly, his suicidality being a single sentence sandwiched somewhere in a paragraph. Here too, Young is rather distanced himself when he recounts his traumas. 

He does not linger on the fact he spent his summer in a psychiatrist facility because his mother saw him kiss a boy. He merely bluntly gives the details, but doesn’t really mention how he felt about it. At least not until closer to the end of Part Two. His boyfriend is the same, in some regards. Beyond the dickmatization of our narrator, I think the initial draw for Young was that there was another gay with mommy issues who was willing to talk about them. I think sadness speaks to sadness and that can call people to one another. The failing here is in the difference in their courage. 

Young has suppressed his sexuality as much as he could in places where he knew it might get him hurt (the military as an example). But even after suffering what he did in that psych facility, he left it with the knowledge that his mother was the one who was sick, not him. Young’s boyfriend, however, grew up in a different generation. Ben’s right, in BL we usually root for reciprocal couples to get together, and here we are watching a relationship fail. But I am not rooting for these two to be together, because that relationship was not balanced in what it gave and what it took. Young and his boyfriend stood on different ground from the beginning, both in what they wanted out of it and in how they navigate the world. 

I am not someone who thinks everyone needs to be out of the closet, I think it is quite rare that we get a closeted and out couple where their need to hide their relationship does not impact their relationship (shout out to Cooking Crush yet again for defeating that trope!) Young does not seem like the kind of person used to be looked at and he’s in a younger generation. He isn’t closeted, and does not at least outwardly appear to fall victim to internalized homophobia, he wants to hold his boyfriend’s hand in public, he does not give a shit what elders think. But he is with someone that is deeply ashamed of his queerness, to the point where he tortures himself with the news. Young is right to be upset after he finds the articles on his boyfriend’s laptop, it would be horrifying to find out that’s what your boyfriend thinks of you. 

But I don’t think Young mentioned, and he definitely did not reflect on the fact this has less to do with how he feels about Young and more to do with how he feels about himself. I love that this book got in to the complexities of activism. Now, I know someone did some very incredible work on the Korean history timeline, I just did not have an opportunity to finish it. So I’m not sure about the politics at play for what those students were activists for, but if I know one thing, it is that activists are never perfect. In the US, for example, racism existed within the women’s sufferage moment, homophobia existed in black liberation movements, and transphobia exists in the feminist movement and in queer communities as well. 

If Young’s boyfriend and his classmates were activists together, got arrested, fought against whatever it is they fought against and the boyfriend had respect for them, it would be a massive thing to internalize to find out they are homophobic. Hell, when we met that couple at the park, the husband said he believed that queer people existed as if there was a time when he didn’t think homosexuality was real. Young’s boyfriend ranted a lot about the American Empire and the influence of Western culture on Korean society and Young made a point to emphasize religion as a part of that. 

Korea has a pretty decent Christian population, and as we saw from Young’s umma that evangelical nature resulted in massive punishment for Young out of his mother’s fear of his sins. And she’d been a Christian for 25 years. I think every character we meet is really supposed to be some sort of reflection for Young, a way to show us alternate futures for Young. Jaehee is what his life could never look like because he was gay in a country that does not have gay marriage rights. But at the very least, Jaehee got serious when Young could not, and she got a serious boyfriend, and entered a serious relationship. Young and Jaehee were so similar for so long, that I do think Young would have been able to maintain a longterm relationship if he could actually emotionally commit to one. 

In Part Two, Young’s boyfriend is his mirror. The anti-American imperialist that pays attention to flags versus the kid who does not even pay attention to the symbology he is wearing. The former activist versus the passive kid. The internalized homophobe and the one who rebelled against that. I said it already but Young was tortured for being queer, and the first thing his mother did when the therapy failed was to hand him fucking scripture. Young could have ended up just as disgusted and ashamed as his boyfriend, but he didn’t. 

I think the author intercut Young’s relationship with his mother and his boyfriend in this part because they act as catalysts, they change Young, they show him what his weaknesses are, and the pain he will suffer when he bites his tongue…and when he doesn’t. His relationship with his boyfriend implodes when he starts saying more of the thoughts in his head, he waits for his mother to die after he cannot bring himself to ever tell her he wants an apology. 

I think so much of this part is about being let down by the people around you, which I think is how Young felt when he realized Jaehee had left him at the end of Part One. We get the homophobic activists as an example, but we also spent a significant amount of time with Young talking about his boyfriend who was the first to make a move, and the first to sit and listen, and how that turned out to be an act, his boyfriend was deeply stuck in his homophobia and stopped really listening to Young early in to their relationship; Young talked quite a bit about how stubborn and strong his mother used to be. The force of her. And he spends this entire part just watching her wither away to skin and bones. He describes how long she kept up the act, that he’d help her use the restroom and then ten minutes later you couldn’t even tell she needed help. 

And then he lays his head in his mother’s lap at the end, and he wants an apology. He wants an apology so badly. But he knows he will never get it, not in the way he wants.  But honestly, I think his mother does apologize to him, in her own way, when she admits that she was scared. And I think the hardest truth he could ever tell his mother is that he was sorry he felt like the whole world in her hands. 

[italicized-oh]

Get him back! By Olivia Rodrigo is starbreaker send tweet

FUCK. I hope you're happy with what you just unlocked in me. I could probably do a whole essay but I'm saving my spoons for writing ch 13 so. here's the highlights:

the whole SECOND VERSE is making me peel myself like an orange. God.

So I write him all these letters, and I throw them in the trash

Yeah, I pour my little heart out, but as I'm hitting "send"

I picture all the faces of my disappointed friends (ZARA)

Because everyone knew all of the shit that he'd do

He said I was the only girl, but that just wasn't the truth (also ZARA)

And when I told him how he hurt me, he'd tell me I was trippin' (god of gaslight gatekeep girlboss porter cliffbreaker)

But I am my father's daughter, so maybe I could fix him (JACE NO. Jace. stop it <- also zara)

And the CHORUS fuck me. you've done it now.

I wanna break his heart Then be the one to stitch it up Wanna kiss his face With an uppercut I wanna meet his mom Just to tell her her son sucks

I'm so sorry for this but the first couplet is don't give it a hand, offer it a soul

the second is vicious and carved out of stone

and. the third. is my new headcanon for how jace's first interaction w Ankara would actually go. like. we know jace and porter both have mommy issues out the wazoo. tell me that's not jace@ankarna in a world where they all live