#miss you like a growing pain
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Hmm thinking about old friends. I still do my lipstick the way you taught me, look for your face in every crowd, start to tell a story and feel your name die in my mouth. No amount of anger erases the way we hid in the trees as kids, how you’d run to the door hands full with my favourite sweets. Your smile is my picture of happiness, name the first I learned to write.
#miss you like a growing pain#miss scuffed shoes and bruised knees and endless trees to climb#miss when the world wasn’t bigger than each other#growing up and growing apart#friendship breakup
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Two skeletons in a trench lab coat (Patreon)
Bonus:
He’s very careful! Everything was fine before you interrupted!
#Doodles#Handplates#UT#FJdlsafjdsf Handplates fuzzes my brain#I cannot tell you how weird it feels to draw Gaster with the Lost Soul head after all this time away haha#It drops me back into the person I was when I first read Handplates - for better or for worse. It's a very strange feeling#Even drawing Sans and Papyrus again sends me back! Not as strongly but certain little details stand out#Sans' eyes especially... Very strange feeling#Anyhow! Since Fellplates sent me back down the rabbit hole and I've gotten back into rereading lightly - still not a full commitment!#Maybe soon tho 👀 I feel like I always say that haha#But in the meantime thinking of the pre-Plates Handplates time period <3 Since that's the one I'm still most familiar with haha#I love when they're still growing and learning ♪ Scaffolded baby talk! Twin language! Love 'em ♥#And fearless* mischievous little troublemakers hehe#They're so cute <3 I love the little ways they interact as young'uns - like when Papyrus will just lift Sans by his arms lol#I'd been thinking about and then had to go read the one of Sans as a the blanket/coat tickle monster and then - this ✨#''Excuse me sir I'd like One Ticket to the R Rated movie I am an adult Monster'' lol#Probably another one of those moments where Gaster is just *nervously sweats in Dad* lol - stop being so cute!#Also there's no particular meaning to when I use WingDings for his text :P Just convenience and if I remember to lol#Comics where he talks a lot are not convenient XP I have enough trouble editing on this paper ugh I will Not miss it when it's done#Even attempted this comic in as few pencil strokes/erasing as possible and it was still a pain to work with! >:0 Rude#Doubly so that I've had a Handplates comic idea for past like - year lol - and /this/ was the first one I finished pfftbl#To be fair to the other I do want to at least attempt making it a look-alike hehe ♪ You know how it is with Ideas™#I can't be too mad about it haha ♫ It did turn out quite cute after all :3
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AUGHH CLASS ASSIGNMENT YIPPEEE!!! Had to make cut out silhouette designs for 3 of our characters!!!
#i havent drawn for myself in so lonng AUGH#and i also had to learn to use photoshop which was. interesting but i got comfortable with it eventually#i couldve did this so much faster but alas growing pains on a new software#csp i miss u ill always love you#ANYWAY YA!! We had to choose a fairytale to adapt and have a twist and that will be the story well be making concept art for the entire ter#i chose the little red riding hood and my twist is that its set in the victorian era and also its toxic yuri HEHEEE#So yeah first pic is the the little red riding hood girlie (Scarlette) all grown up and became a huntress#second pic is Wolf woman who Killed said gramma long ago but tricked scarlette to thinking that she didnt#(they have a tense enemies to lovers to enemies kind of arc HEHE)#And third pic is the hunter/woodsman!!! He is gonna be the one that tells scarlette that the wolf lady IS the one shes been hunting#all her LIFE#and so girlies gonna get SO mad like FUCK I FELL IN LOVE HER BUT I STILL GOTTA KILL HER BECAUSE I SWORE TO MY GRANDMA I WOULD#and ya they both fight to the death. stabbed via hearts. HEEHEE#god im so tired all the time I HAVE NO FREE TIME AAAAA#I HATE YOU TWO HOUR COMMUTES
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smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.
#jrwi show#jrwi fanart#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#made this within a short span of wahtever bc i gotta go up to the mountains for my stupid gay job tonight n im trying#nnot to frrRREAAAK THE FUCK OUUTTTTTTi dont wanna work but. get that bread we fuckin shall i guess#ONWARDS TO THE FISH TORMENT!! sometimes flowers feel pain when you trim them before their blossoming. atleast i imagine so#i used to draw gillion with loooong hair tied into a big ol braid. and then it was confirmed that he had short hair when he was little.#AT FIRST I WAS SAD. but then i realized the duality of. when they were little. gill had short hair. edyn had long hair.#AND NOW THEYRE OLDER. and gillion has long hair. and edyn has short hair#both mirroring eachother. looking up to eachother. subconsciously or not. they most certainly care. and most certainly miss eachother.#GILLION ALWAYS LOVED HOW LONG HAIR LOOKs. atleast i imagine so. he hasnt cut it since he left the undersea. sure he wanted to go back home#but even at the very start. he knew he was free in some way now. free to grow out his hair. an adventure would await him before he returns.#he knew it would be a while. so he cant let this go. he cant let this sought-after hair-length get cut away from him again#not yet. not yet. i like to think he loved music too. I SAW SOMETHING INTERESTING A BIT AGO#i see alot of ppl commenting on my baby gill comics like;'i wouldFIGHT this teacher i wanna KILL EM i want them DESTROYED#all very good and nice sentiments! i LOVE the energy here! and it would be nice. to have that catharsis#but the story of young tidestrider is not a story of catharsis. it is a story of agony and being so so small and so special and also so dum#and sucking so bad. and just being a kid and doing the things that a little kid does and so many tired tired people reacting badly to it#youre supposed to be the hero that will save us. our world hangs in the balance and you are the one who tips the scales.#YOU are supposed to SAVE US!! you NEED to SAVE US! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!!#you'd think that young tidestrider ought to prevail. and be tucked someplace all safe and sound.#elders gone missing and rotting in a jail. their cultists nowhere around. but theres no happy endings. not here not now.#this tale is all sorrows n woes. you may dream that justice n peace win the day. but thats not how this story goes#BIG ideas for this lil baby gillion series. if anything i make ever gets disproven im killing myself in a well as to poison a water supply
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I rarely take pictures anymore. It’s like I just don’t want to remember any moment from this part of my life lol
#me#mine#girls with tattoos#myself#girls with glasses#girls with piercings#fairy aesthetic#fairycore#you know I come on here or I look through Snapchat memories#and even at my saddest I did not know or understand real pain#now that I do I feel so different#so old and so worn out#I feel like all the color has drained from my being#I’m not even a person anymore#I have horrid ptsd now#the only way I can really hangout with my dad is to play iPhone chess bc he’s sitting in a fucking hospital bed#oh god it all hurts so bad to think about#it makes me want to throw up#I miss who I was three years ago before all the pain#how does someone even come back from all of this#how do I see the things I’ve seen and lose what’s I’ve lost and move on to live a normal life#I had seemed to learn every life lesson the hard way and always fall in love with the wrong ppl#I had a very tough time loving myself which is still true#but that was all stuff like I could live with and grow from#this is just a deep set pain idk
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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the boys I teach have been so unpleasant to me this week but the boys I used to teach have been really sweet and tbh it helps so much.
#the ones I teach can’t help it fully#(I mean they CAN and I have to hold them to that)#but also like. puberty the mire of adolescence the pain of growing up the horror of being 15 or 16 years old etc#but it’s still so gross and draining to interact with all the time: to feel like I am making no headway#disheartening to the max#so to have former students show back up —show appreciation and gratitude#is sooooo healing#and they do it in funny ways#two of them just stopped by my room and talked about their lives and their grandma’s very old house she lives in or their job at Burger King#and then another one wrote ‘I miss your class’ on the board. and then another one was like ‘hey you should teach AP next year’#(I would never) and he was like ‘please’ and it helps so much#because they were often toads when I taught them!#but the goodwill remains past the point and beyond their moods#and I am so constructed by nature and temperament to forget that#I only ever feel as good as my current class/experience with a student#so I need the bolstering effects of my past work#lol
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blame @seeking-elsewhither for this one. it's echo time and i'm having thoughts (tm)
#yeah it's more hfsw bad batcher time. this means suffering on the part of echo#...whose armor design i kind of hate but at the moment i haven't had time to give him a definitive design so we're stuck with this for now#star wars#margin doodles#hfsw#look at my guys#handprinted#okay but i am not going to lie. i have so many thoughts about echo. ESPECIALLY in hfsw#like. you were supposed to die. but you didn't. you were brought back and it was the most painful thing you've ever experienced#and you have to endure months on end of torture practicing the very black arts you were born to fight against#so that the monsters who saved your life can use your knowledge to kill your brothers#and the only thing keeping you from completely giving up is the memory of a supernova smile that grows fainter every day#and then you're finally rescued after an eternity of torment but something is wrong because the person who was supposed to rescue you...#isn't there#and he never will be again#and you'll never see his smile again#(but you could. you could you know. you have that power now. you could bring him back. if you really wanted.#but you could never. you would never forgive yourself for dredging him back up from his well-deserved rest for such a selfish reason.#you'd never forgive yourself for putting him through that pain and white-hot agony just because you miss him. so you don't.)#and you love your new brothers. really you do. and you love your little sister; you love her so much that your wrongly-beating heart aches#and you love what you do; even if it's terrifying and dangerous saving your brothers from a fate worse than death (and you would know)#but... there's a sour knot that throbs in your gut every time your vision snags on your skeleton hand or bony feet#and every time you look in the mirror and see the unnaturally glowing green crackles in your irises#you're not of this world anymore. and you're not sure you'll ever be okay with that.
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remembering how keeley and roy initially connected at the gala with being accountable with one another, and how juno (and i think brett) too said this is probably the first time they had someone apologize to them like this, at least romantically. and how accountability is HUGE to keeley, as it leads to her breakup with Jamie and everything,,,,,,,,
and you’re telling me. she and Rebecca mended fences off screen????
#sorry to bring this up AGAIN (no I’m not) but holy shit#keeley is a much better person than me like ily Rebecca but I’d have trust issues with that betrayal#imagine your first real friend aka Rebecca who is encouraging you and mentoring you and giving you advice#alll while lying to you and almost ruining your relationship as a pawn in her own pain like.#imagine looking up to this amazing woman and seeing the potential in her and she offers you a job and a friendship#and. has been lying. sabotaging you and people you care about#s1 Rebecca I miss you I wish they did more with your revenge arc#like imagine growing up in a competitive vain field of modeling and everything and having such touchy relationships#and when you finally feel like you’re getting on your feet you find out about a betrayal from someone you’ve come to love and trust .
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<3
#sry i just wanted to draw something for them. even though its not very good#was a bit hard to draw through tears. its been hard.#i need to vent in the tags so please pardon if its not smthn u want to read#ive been so struck with guilt for what i didnt do and what more i shouldve done. the pain of how alone i feel now#but they did so much for me. they were the only family i rlly had here. they helped me grow to be more responsible caring and loving#and i just am overwhelmed with how much they both meant to me and just how much love was shared. im so thankful to them for everything#theyve been with me for nearly half my lifetime!! it really felt like we were going to be together for an eternity.#i hope theyre doing well wherever they are now. i hope theyre getting to do everything they couldve ever wanted#its still really hard to process all of this and how everythings so different now. i miss them both so much.#i love you kitt. i love you stinky. always and forever <3
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i want to be the strongest most unaffected aloofest person ever but im literally the weakest saddest cries at every inconvenience type of person and man.
#i got tiny little bit fever just 100#and i can't find dolo#and it's making me cry#i miss my mom i don't want to grow up I HATE GROWING UP i need my mother to sit and#shake the thermometer because ive broken them twice and i want her to stare at the clock for 2 mins#so i can close my eyes as if im in the greatest pain known to mankind#it's fucking ridiculous how the littlest things stick with you#and my dad called out of the blue and he was like i miss you and i know it's just a plot he can't bear to stay alone there#and now that mom has done her time he needs me to be there#but it's fucking making me cry nonstop since the evening#i don't even freaking understand why i sit alone for 2 secs and start crying eveb tho my head is empty#i just.#fuck him for lying about missing me needing me hasn't he fucked me up enough#he told me he loved me in 11th grade and like. obviously it wasn't true#i remember arguing back then he was so angry he was like what is love to you and i was so young i didn't think about stuff like that in 11#and i said it's wanting the other person to be happy because that's the most basic thing i could imagine trying to make the other person#happy and being there for them#and he was like NO you're just a child love is respect love is when i tell you something is right and you believe me#i didn't think it was true back then and i really fuckjnv know that it isn't true now#and just. everytime someone says they like me love me i feel like it's a lie because well my dad both my parents really#say they love me and obviously it isn't true#they wouldn't treat me this way if it was#so like. god. pls you've done enough you've wrecked enough havoc i can't study i can't maintain friendships#i can't maintain loving relationships all cause of you#and the audacity to say you miss me after all this after jm sitting 21 years old just carefully trying not to think about dying everyday#he says sweet things and then as soon as ive agreed to him he immediately becomes the rude horrible selfish person he is#im so so sooo sick of him i don't want to deal with him anymore i just want to fast forward 1.5 years and move out and#i want him to stop having so much fucking control over me physically emotionally#im not even near my period ut JUST ended ige never cried this much without periods#it's so fuckung scary man crying and crying and crying and you feel like you'll never be able to stop
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.
#black mirror hardcore freaked me out esp that episode with the little brain chip or whatever#i think they called it the grain or something#but honestly at this point i hate my life so much i wish i had one bc you can just replay your memories but like actually see it#i just wanna go back to being a kid#my life was great. my parents were great. hadn't been assaulted yet or gone through the horrors of growing up an school and shitty teenagers#the world is not a great place now#not like it was so great before but it's definitely worse and i miss my childhood blinders#just viewing the world through curiosity and creativity and being naive#not knowing horrible pains#not experiencing death#not experiencing any severe illness or constant hurting#just me in my room with my cd player and imagination#and my cat Bear...#my little prince who would ride the loft carriage across the lands#sleeping on my pillow#im so sick of being alive and in pain all the time and being depressed#but i guess im stuck here now#goodnight 😞#text#delete
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Damn, the mystic flame skaters disappeared quick in C size! I need to check my email more than once per day... you're not discontinuing them or something, are you? Or are they just so popular they sell out fast even with more in stock to start with?
Not discontinued! Yes, just disappeared that fast D:!!! Spider Lily Midis and Arcane Flame Skaters are also gone in C Size already... I'm hitting a point where I'm having to recalibrate how I decide how much to order of which designs, haha. It's a mix of wanting to keep orders under a certain amount for a bunch of reasons (storage space, speed, quality, cost, etc.) & then trying to spread that amount amongst the designs/sizes I'm ordering as effectively as possible, and not always predicting which designs will sell fastest when they're ready-to-ship. I'm going to be placing orders with my manu more frequently tho, so hopefully that'll help me fill inventory gaps a bit better! I'm also gonna keep doing preorders more often than before, which will hopefully help me know what to put at the top of my ordering priority while also giving people more chances to lock in a design they want in the size they want without having to worry that it'll run out suddenly. Mystic Flame Skaters will be in the next round of preorders for sure! So keep an eye out for that in May!! (currently I'm thinking they'll run from 5/16-5/24, but those dates aren't 100% decided yet)
#ask#witch vamp#at some point (like maybe right now tbh) we're just hitting a storage capacity limit on how much we can hold to have available#we're highly considering moving out of texas next year so i don't want to commit to a warehouse or anything :[#it might end up being a bit of a rough year in terms of stuff running out faster than we can outpace#so preorders will be your best bet if you want to be sure you can grab a certain design#next year after we move hopefully we'll either have more space at home or we'll have some kind of larger storage/warehouse situation#growing pains for sure..#apologies to everyone that misses out on something when it goes fast!#thank you though!!
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one of the weirdest things about *waves hands vaguely in the direction of my relationship* this whole experience. is this time around? there really isn’t a Taylor Swift song that captures it for me.
#even the MOST romantic ones? ones that I DO think capture something of the essence of love. none of them are right somehow!#i will still not be elaborating at this time#closest are probably Everything Has Changed (dust off your highest hopes everything HAS changed)#King of My Heart (is this the end of all the endings? my broken bones are mending)#weirdly State of Grace (love is a ruthless game unless you play it good & right! this is the golden age of something good & right & real!)#but there’s no hearing a song everything snapping into place like oh THIS is what it feels like#because none of those songs are about him you know??? the specificity is missing and the specificity is why I love him#Everything Has Changed is wrong because I knew a whole lot more than his name when everything changed!!#King of My Heart is wrong because it’s not QUIET enough. it’s too triumphant not awed enough#State of Grace is wrong because ‘you were never a saint we learn to live with the pain mosaic broken hearts’ just isn’t the vibe!#and neither of us have blue eyes!!!#and if this was a fictional blorbo song none of that would even matter because I can reach across miles to make a blorbo song work#but apparently not this time??#and the answer might be ‘well cate Taylor has never written a song about falling in love with an old friend’#(except for Glitch which lowkey sucks and Mary’s Song and INTHAF which go back TOO far; we didn’t grow up together)#but also…..it might be that this time it’s not primarily in my head and so I can’t twist it to fit a song#they say you know when you’re really in love because all the love songs make sense#but maybe that’s sort of the being in love with love stage??#maybe you know you’re really in love when none of the love songs can fully cross over into the uniqueness of your experience#anyway. ignore me#or send me song recs for friends-to-lovers lol#in which cate tells stories
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Putting it in the tags cuz it’s long, also Dec 18 tw
#bro every single time I listen to I will fight#especially on this day#I cannot BELIEVE it is a real song#I’m sure I’ve said it before but when u have the depression like I do it is so cathartic to hear songs that express the feeling of#being sad in spite of everything and wanting to die etc#but I will fight…..like…dude….#saying maybe I want to die too but I’m choosing not to - I’m going to keep living because I want to honor your life#I’m going to survive to ensure that your memory doesn’t hold any pain#to say my entire life is for you because I will love you and miss you for the rest of it#to take desperation in the face of tragedy and turn it into that vibrant will to live#it’s insanity#and I know it was like therapeutic for him to create that song because the feelings are so genuine#but sometimes I can’t believe that he wrote and released it#like u tear your heart open for who? your fans? just so hell hear you? if enough people listen to it#will he hear our hearts cfying out that we want to live for him#that we don’t mind growing older as he lingers in the past#because we are all keeping him alive with the beat of our hearts#to say that every night and every darkness you look for the shining remnants of his life?!?!?!?#and he just let us share it#it’s so#you know
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having an off day and feeling bad
#rambly tag TDLR: i’m sad today & i want to know what i want for myself on a larger scale & im so nostalgic that it hurts#feeling haunted by greif and by missing friends and by growing pains and questions with no answers#it’s just getting to me today!#i had such a fun day yesterday (despite work being long and stupid)#and like i just woke up at 5 & went home and woke up again for work and i feel like i didn’t shake off the sleep#and it was so cold is snowed#and i heat set and went to the vet and gave hal his meds (he’s getting good at taking them i just hate it bc i think it stresses him out)#and did a ton of orders & even like. ran an errand and ~ volunteered ~ for a trans clothing swap#what am i missing? it feels so large#and i’m just so cold and i’m tired today#and i wish i were not alone but i couldn’t describe how i want to be around people. i want to just be around#i want to witness the spectacle of a big group of friends yknow#i was talking to olive about this#i wish i had a person or people to come home to. so many bright little details of my day just fall away to nothing and i like. idk i wanna#be seen and see people so constantly#idk. trying to tell myself i’m never gonna have what i had once again. you can never go back etc!#i will find something new and cherish it#and one day i’ll hold all this under a rose colored class and wish i could hold it tightly to my chest#i don’t wanna die anymore and after like a year and a half i feel solid in that and knowing that#idk man. idk man i’m clinging to these bright moments. they happen more frequently these days. they are saccharine and as they’re happening#i feel them slip away and i miss em
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