#I’m sure I’ve said it before but when u have the depression like I do it is so cathartic to hear songs that express the feeling of

[devil-changmin]

Putting it in the tags cuz it’s long, also Dec 18 tw

[moonstruckme]

I recently found ur page and omfg I spent hours yesterday reading all ur work!!!! What a lil fic of Sirius and reader but like pre relationship where she's in the hospital (u can pick reason) and she refuses to see anyone and just asks for Sirius

Thanks for requesting my love!

cw: hospital, mention of stitches

Sirius Black x fem!reader ♡ 906 words

Sirius feels awkward and stiff as he pulls back the curtain, though for all he knows you’re too hopped up on pain meds to even know it’s him. Really, that’s the only reasonable explanation for the directions the nurse had just delivered: “She said she’ll only see Sirius right now.” 

He has no clue why you’d ask for him. He’s probably the least comforting of your roommates, and as soon as he catches sight of you, knees tented in front of your chest and hands clasped around your ankles, his worry for your choice deepens. 

Someone’s tried to clean you up, but they’ve done a shit job of it. There’s still blood crusted on your chin, and your face is blotchy, your cheeks smeared with dark gray like you’d wiped across them with your hands only to spread your makeup off to the sides. James had said you’d cried the whole car ride to A&E, but Sirius still wasn’t prepared to see you like this. His chest feels hollow and achy. 

“Hey,” you say, voice scratchy. If hearts have strings, you’re playing his like a fiddle. 

“Hey, doll.” He goes for a smile as he sits on the edge of your little cot, managing to sound halfway normal. “Come here often?” 

You start to grin, then stop like it hurts. Sirius stops, too. 

“Yeah, you know,” you say, “now and then.” 

“Don’t see why.” He makes a show of looking about him, at the papery blue curtain and beige-ish linoleum floors. “Place is sorta depressing.” 

You roll your eyes, and Sirius’ heart lightens to see you in a better humor. “Yeah, I think I’ve judged my hangout poorly. I’m dying to get out of here.” 

He’ll bet. You’ve been here hours longer than him. James had been the only one home with you when you’d tripped on the stairs and bitten through your lip, and Sirius and Remus had only found out when they’d gotten home and seen the note James left, his already scribbly handwriting worsened by haste and panic. By the time they’d arrived they’d missed most of the action (Sirius was secretly thankful for that) and James had filled them in before the nurse had come out to inform them that you’d gotten three stitches in your lip and summoned Sirius back. 

“I can understand that.” He gives you his best approximation of James’ easygoing grin. “You ready to go home then, gorgeous?” 

The shift is slight, but Sirius sees your bravado fade, a shyness entering your expression. “That’s actually why I wanted to see you,” you say.

“Yeah?” He doesn’t bother to hide his curiosity. “Why’s that?” 

“Because I know you’ll be honest with me.” 

He feels his eyebrows go up. “About what?” 

You shrink a bit, knees drawing closer to your chest. Your voice is small when you ask, “Is it awful? I mean, do I look awful?” 

Ah. Sirius can see why you’d want him for this, but you’re wrong in your assumption. He’d absolutely lie to you if he needed to, just like Remus or James would in his place. But you’ve asked for him, so Sirius tries to do right by you. 

“You could never look awful, dollface. Be sensible.” He squints his eyes teasingly, reaching for your ankle and giving it a reprimanding little shake. “It’s just a couple of stitches, you haven’t been warped unrecognizable.” 

You frown, and it’s even more upsetting than usual. Your eyes look heart-breakingly insecure. “Are you sure?” you ask softly. 

“Yeah, I’m fucking sure.” Sirius scoffs like you’re unbelievable. “You said it yourself, babe, I wouldn’t lie to you.” He definitely would, but there’ll never be an occasion for that. He can’t imagine you genuinely looking bad. “I can clean you up a bit, though, if you’d like.” 

You blink. “Um, yeah. If you think it would help.” 

“Brilliant. Sit tight.” Sirius gets up and starts going through drawers, sifting through medical supplies for something he can use. 

“Fairly sure you’re not supposed to do that.” You sound like you’re trying not to smile. 

“Fairly certain my taxes pay for this place, and they’ve left my best-looking roommate with a dirty face.” He finds a box of mini-wipes, turning back to you. “Don’t tell James I’ve said that.” 

“Oh, I’m definitely tattling on you,” you tease, and Sirius is caught between feeling triumphant and worried that you look very near to grinning. He has no clue how easy it is to tear your stitches. 

“What, you want us to match? That’s cruel, sweetheart.” 

You roll your eyes. “He won’t punch you.” 

Sirius huffs a laugh, holding you still with a hand on your jaw as he wipes gently at your chin. “You haven’t known him as long as I have.” 

Your brows flick up as you meet his eyes, disbelieving. “Our James? You really think our James would hit you for saying he’s not the best looking roommate?” 

“Well, not if you’re in front of me,” he muses. He throws out the first wipe, ripping open another. “He already feels bad for you, so maybe that can work in my favor. If you are going to tell him, lean on me as we walk out, okay, doll? Give me a fighting chance.” 

The corner of your lips twist as you close your eyes and Sirius wipes sideways across your cheek. “Yeah, fair enough. I’ll do my best for you.”

[svt-kiki]

　✶　DROWN TO DEPTH　｡｡　𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗏𝗈𝗂𝖽 𝗂𝗌 𝖻𝗈𝗍𝗍𝗈𝗆𝗅𝖾𝗌𝗌

　💿 ⌇ 𝖠𝗇 𝖮𝖽𝖾 𝖾𝗋𝖺.　

2020.　세븐틴 × kiki ( fem!oc )　wc.　4.9k　𝗋𝖾𝗊 !

cw.　mentions of depression / anxiety / seungcheol & jeonghan’s hiatus and other members unwell, kiki basically neglecting her mental health, implies slight memory impairment cause of stress

an.　i’ve got scenario reqs for kiki’s hiatus and sickfic ages ago so just combined them both, sorry to take so long :’) + tried to do with all members but run out energy 😔 hope u enjoy !

REBLOG & FEEDBACK are always welcomed 🪽 ͗ ͗

kiki hasn’t been remembering the last time she slept and woke up without any worries. 

it had to be refreshing morning. despite the keen and crisp air, clean linens — white sheets and pillows trying to swallow her mind and motivation. 

kiki kept staring at the ceiling of the hotel room for a while. she hardly could gather the thoughts. what i should do today? rehearsal, of course. re-check the formation and share the changes with staffs and members. everyone already got used to the 12 or 13 members version since seungcheol and jeonghan’s hiatus, but even that fact made her stomach heavier. besides, they all needed to make sure which formation depended on the members’ condition each day. of course, kiki never mind the change itself. but she hates how they need to think about “are boys gonna be okay today? or someone became sick and couldn’t attend the stage, again?” every time before the stage these days. kiki never thought the tour can be this harsh — or, more precisely, cruel. 

she hates the boys’ suffer way more than the burden of herself. she hates how more than half of them need to go through illness at least once during this tour. the schedule is killing them, she thought. they experienced something like this before on their early career days, murder-ish busyness. but this time it’s different, somehow. 

she doesn’t feel well. 

“kiki?” seungcheol called her name when he saw the girl came out from the hotel room as if she’s crawling out. “good mor- are you okay?”

her eyes. the light in her eyes, it’s just so dull and blurred now. she slowly stared at him, looked like forgot how to say “good morning,” and it made seungcheol terrified. 

“cheol,” she mumbled. “hi, i just… i need to go to the meeting.”

“what meeting?”

“today’s concert, of course.”

“…we don’t have a concert today.”

at that moment — he knew. this is so fucking wrong. like everyone kinda notice something is off with her recently, or this past months. but it was unclear, her situation was vague, got lost in the ongoing schedules like a broken machine. 

“what do you mean we don’t have?” she was genuinely confused. “wait, today’s... 23rd, right?”

“no,” seungcheol felt dizzy, noticing that sounded more like her symptoms. “today is 24th of january. you don’t remember we finished north america tour yesterday?”

“i-“ she frowned the eyebrows. “wait, really? oh i... i must’ve mistaken. sorry,” then kiki finally noticed what his face looked like. “don’t worry. i’m just a bit, tired, you know...” she waved his gaze away from her. “so it means i still can sleep?”

“uh, yeah, i think so. about couple hours... hyelim nim said we’ll set off at 11 or something yesterday.”

she just nodded and head back to the room. “see you later.”

seungcheol just kept staring at the door for a second, tried to find clue to this situation on there, which was never founded. 

DAY 1 - 8:11 AM

fuck, she thought. 

kiki gazed down at the lockscreen. january 24th, 8:11 am. she literally overlooked. her body was absorbed to the bed, once again. 

the thing — her memory being fucked up, happening time to time these days. mostly it was only couple minutes or little more. her mind suddenly went blank and couldn’t remember what she was doing last minutes. 

the gravity is like ten times stronger then usual. feels like someone trying to glue herself onto the ground.

knock knock, the door made small sounds. seungcheol popped out his head from the crack. “may i come in?”

kiki didn’t answered but he already slided himself into the room. the curtain was almost closed and the slit of the light was silently thrown on the floor to the bed. 

“you feel tired?”

“yes... a little,”

he then frowned his eyebrows, hovered over her. “you look... so pale.” his thumb caressed her cheek down to the jaw. kiki was just blinking slowly, her eyes didn’t follow his movements, just staring at his tip of nose with a fainted gaze. her cheek got all thin, the rosy hue something reminded the soft shade of sunsets that usually stayed there was now covered with frosty snow color. “i’m fine.” she repeated the words like the broken records. 

at this point, it was his feelings that had a fever. she had always been like this. always pushed herself too much. usually kiki knew how to hang in there, tip toeing around the last borderline but never across because that would lead to the exact outcome she didn’t want to be. she knew how to take care herself and control the condition. 

but not this time. everyone sensed something was going wrong. she was like a ghost in outside of the stage these days. her presence was pretty much stale and the face sagged. so unlike her. the cloud of fatigue took the ray of sunshine away. “do you sleep properly these days?”

“not much, like everyone else. all the kids had poor health during this tour. i’m no special, you know it.”

“kiki,” seungcheol couldn’t help but started to feel irritate. “you should stop thinking like that. you are no special, that’s why you also feel unwell if you couldn’t rest properly. that’s natural, nothing strange. you need to take rest.”

“that’s why i’m lying on the bed. can’t you see?”

“kyoka.” she pressed her lips tightly. the way he called, how the tone of his voice echoed through her head, this was the way seungcheol used when he need to point out something to her seriously. kiki also knew she should do something with current situation. but the nonstop cycle of transfers, meetings, adjustments and performances just cornered her until she loose her mind underwater. of course she poured her soul into each lives. yet the pillar of her heart snapped as soon as she got off from the stage these days. the mind started to become numb. the bones and nerves signaled pain but ignored it.

he laid down on her next. the body started losing the tension after seungcheol tried to hug and rub her upper body softly. kiki felt asleep shortly after. seungcheol kept staring at her face for a while before woke up and silently left her room. 

he then knocked the room which was not kiki’s, or even his. park minji, the manager who is close to kiki appeared from behind the door. 

“coups? good morning... what’s wrong?”

“kiki,” he said in rush, continued before minji tilted her head in confusion. “i think she needs to take a rest, a day or maybe more before get on the plane.” for a moment, he thought she might throw a confusing look as if trying to say “what are you talking about?” but unlike his bitter imagination, minji’s eyes took on the seriousness immediately. “is she alright?” 

“kinda, only for now in my opinion.”

seems like the woman gathering the thoughts quickly before leaning towards the door frame. she said, “you think so? she wore me down few days ago to accomplish this tour instead she’ll cut off some tasks and get some rest after we back to korea, i didn’t have a choice but agree since she insisted so firmly,” minji bit her lip out of regrets, thinking she shouldn’t listen to her for this time. 

“she was just trying to head for the meetings, thought today is 23rd. her mind seemed so woolly, it doesn’t look like she’s okay at all, noona.” seungcheol then added shortly after, “also i think she will get a fever within a day. i kinda aware about these things, hers.”

she then opened the door wider to let him in before make a phone calls. “hi, sorry if i wake you up. no, not that... actually it’s about kiki — yes, i was thinking, maybe we can delay her flight? like couple days, hopefully… no, not yet for now but... yes, likely. uh huh, yes, of course. thank you… oh i can do that, yeah. no problem. okay, later.”

she held the gaze of him. “i just called the chief, they will search the flight and book some doctor’s appointments. i will contact to other members.”

“let’s call them in here. i think they want to discuss what we will do.”

“what you mean discuss?” she replied with a searching tone this time around.

“you’ll see.” he quietly said. “trust me for this, noona.”

after about ten minutes, all other band members gathered in minji’s room. most of them had been half asleep, closing their eyes or rubbing their faces trying to rid off the drowsiness until they heard it’s a serious matter of kiki. 

“what’s wrong with her?” mingyu broke the ice while bending his brows. “is everything okay?”

“she seems bit unwell, actually.” minji replied with a perfectly controlled voice tone. “we discussed maybe it’s better for her to take some rests before gets on a plane to korea.”

“okay,” seungkwan nodded with a concerned face. “are there some schedules for her this week? right after the supposed return to korea?”

“not that much. i will adjust that so it won’t affect others schedules or anything, so don’t worry.”

“i’m not worrying about ours... i thought she will feel responsible more then she should if such things happened,” he said in a bit of defense.

“i know seungkwanna,” jeonghan said with a soften voice. “how’s she doing?”

“she woke up an hour ago then fell back asleep now,” seungcheol answered.

“we also talked that it’s better for her to get doctor’s visit. i would keep in touch and update the info if there’s anything to let you know.”

“i think it’s a good idea,” minghao stated while playing with his sleeves. his face was almost covered fully by the hoodie but the tranquil voice somehow reached well to everyone’s ears. “she seemed so tired these days. i think we all bit frustrated because she obviously need some rests if you see her on outside of the stage, yet she do the concert perfectly every time, so we can’t find the excuse to persuade her to get some rest.”

“yeah,” jun nodded. “this tour is hard for all, and some of us couldn’t attend the stage almost each nights by turns. but it doesn’t mean the one who gets on the stage isn’t exhausted.”

jun and minghao, add joshua, the foreigner line — their bond and connections are always special. they shared the obstacle and struggles only they can share with each other. usually they weren’t the most copious talker among the group, but when it comes to kiki, the case would be different. 

“it’s always the hardest thing to tell her to back off from the job,” chan lower his gaze while scratching the back of his neck. “no doubt,” vernon let out the slightest chuckle.

“right? like, she kinda pushing workaholic agenda too much!” chan responded and everyone couldn’t hold their laugh that he sounded like so overwhelmed from bottom of his heart.

“alright, alright,” soonyoung gestured to calm everyone while trying to stop smiling since its a serious discussion. “now, what we gonna do?”

“you guys will back to korea following the original schedule,” minji answered, shooting a questioning look to the boys. “what do you even mean by that?”

“you mean... leave kiki in here? alone?” joshua asked quietly. minji tried to say yes — then realized. her gaze went back to seungcheol. he was just staring back at her, telling “i told you.” without using words. 

“but that’s... she’s sick, right?” mingyu tilted his head with confusion. “we can’t leave her.”

“of course it’s not entirely alone,” minji couldn’t help but let out the tiny sigh, brushing her hair back. “some of staffs including me will stay with her, make sure she will be okay.” 

a few moments of silent. the boys exchanged gaze with each other. they ain’t say a thing but the lack of words were speaking their claims more than anything. at that moment, the boy with a glass, who had been remained silent since he entered this room opened his mouth. “we don’t have schedules for few days after we head back to korea.” wonwoo said while turning off his phone, finished checking the group’s schedules. “we can stay with her.”

minji was both stressed and felt in her heart at the same time. the way these kids care and love each other — no matter how many years has passed, their bond grow stronger day by day. they are so sincere. however, if this was all about the ask that didn’t sound like reasonable at all, it’s a different story. 

“kids,” she gave up to hide the distress at this point. “i get you guys care about kiki so deeply, but think straight. we can’t just delay everyone’s flights for this. it’s unrealistic and preposterous. you know that, right?”

“the staffs and everyone can back to korea on schedule. just we will go back with kiki and the staffs, noona, the people who will stay with her. it’s not that crazy.” mingyu insisted, before jeonghan supported his opinion as “that’s right. we can’t take care of ourself. it will make us sick if we leave her alone while she’s in suffer.”

minji almost had done the face palm. it’s hard to say no when mingyu and jeonghan team up like this. they were both clever and smartest in seventeen. if the opponent was cold hearted cunning topsiders, it would be different. but minji also loves them after all. it’s hard for her when she can be in their shoes. besides — minji’s eyes went back to seungcheol again. he’s not even coming out yet. 

she let out a not-so-small-sigh as if waving the white flag. “alright, i’ll discuss with the chief first. but you guys better start packing the luggage since this isn’t the final decision yet, understand?”

“of course noona,” seungcheol grinned that looked like a smirk. “we will be a good boy...”

DAY 1 - 10:56 AM

she woke up from a cold chill. kiki tried to shook her head and wave off a bad feeling before groped the phone and check what time is it.  

“you awake?”

she slowly tuned at the someone’s voice from the behind. 

“jihoona...?” her voice was cracking, raspy. “what time is it? what about the flight?” jihoon put a restraining hand to her. “there’s a delay on the flight. we will stay here two more days, so don’t worry.” 

she then loosen the tension of her body, but the eyes still shooting him with a questioning look. “really? the weather looks fine tho,” he just shrugged as if didn’t matter. “i don’t know the details. maybe there has some trouble on the plane or something, i don’t know.”

“if that’s so...” her body sunk down to the mattress. “did you eat anything today?”

“not yet. some of them went down to the restaurant a while ago but i wasn’t hungry so i thought wait for you then share some meals.”

“i don’t feel to eat anything right now, you should eat something.”

“then i’ll eat here. is that okay?”

kiki blinked slowly, bit puzzled at the same time. he was kinda independent personality among the boys, had no problem with eat alone or spending time by himself in general. the way he asked for permission carefully like this was tend to irregular, whereas it’s not that strange to have the meals together. 

“sure, be my company.” she slowly gets up on the bed. she was listening absently to he ordering the room service over the phone. after hang up the call, jihoon looked back her and said, “could you stay up until 12 AM? minji noona said they booked the doctor’s appointment at that time.”

“i think so,” she felt half drowsy but nodded at his words. they heard the door chime shortly after, jihoon let the staff in and placed the table near by the bed. 

“there’s tomato soup in the menu so i ordered with some breads alongside the dishes for mine.” jihoon said as glancing up at her. “still not hungry?”

no, she’s not hungry yet, even after smelled the dishes in the air. but her brain started working finally, lead her to sit on the edge of the bed to eat, thought she should eat to take some nourishment since she barely eating anything from last night. 

“thanks. i’ll eat some,”

“good. you can have a bite from mine if you want.”

shortly after she started to take a sip from the spoon, someone knocked the door and vernon poked his head out from the door. 

“hey noona,” the younger boy slipped himself into the room. “how you feeling?

at this point, she finally realized her condition was a bit serious than she thought, in a bad way. the contrast of both jihoon and vernon made into actions about their worrying like this is far more than usual — not that they’re cold hearted person or anything, it’s about how different the way they cared about her. 

“i’m fine.”

but vernon walked straight up to her as if he didn’t heard the words. he gently placed a hand on her forehead and said, “bit feverish.”

“no i don’t.”

“noona, come on now.” the boy with a bit messy brown hair clearly trying to soothe her now. “you are not dumb enough to be unaware for your own conditions. just gave up and admit you don’t feel well. let us spoil you for once.”

“but you guys are tired too, why only i can stay still in bed like this,”

“we will also stay in bed and rest as much as we want, we don’t miss the opportunity. don’t worry about that.”

he smirked with a small hint of concern. 

“...okay.”

they all knew she wasn’t fully convinced. but for now this is the small victory. 

“just stop thinking about the job, okay?”

“i’ll try.”

“fine.”

he then turned his face to jihoon. “can we talk later about the track?”

“yeah, sure.”

DAY 1 - 1:06 PM

after the doctor’s examination, she was diagnosed as poor physical condition due to overwork and overuse of the autonomic nervous system. they strictly told them to get some proper rest, hopefully a week long.

“no,” kiki opposed weakly after received an i.v. “there’s so many things to do after i back to korea. we need to discuss the final design for the physical album package and edit new music video, also —”

“yes.” minji retorted decidedly, almost scolding her. “i’ll contract the team and adjust the work plan. they’ll understand. this is nonnegotiable.”

kiki didn’t said back anything, but that made joshua a bit anxious. he was there for the whole process with her. he could sense she felt a slight despair, thought she let others down, useless. 

“would you stay with her for a while?”

“yeah, no problem.”

the doctor also warned, she might have some fever tonight since i.v. won’t help to reduce the psychological stress. “i’m sick of this,” she murmured in the room minji left. they both got a whiff of her cologne in arid air of hotel. 

“you blaming yourself without any good reasons,” joshua tried to make a serious pitch. “it’s hard to see like you — not about the physical conditions, but the way you punish yourself like this. don’t you get how it hurts us? it’s a bit too much, kit-kat,” 

joshua’s voice, mixture of breaths — she covered her face with palms. “i know, i know i need to stop — but it’s hard. it’s getting harder day by day recently. why i can’t stop this? this — fucked up cycles?”

“you really do need a rest,” he caressed her bangs as she bit own lips in bitter feelings. 

“maybe i do.”

DAY 1 - 3:27 PM

“how’s noona?” soonyoung asked mingyu in the hallway. he was just getting out from her room. “it’s still low grade... but i think it’ll get more higher.”

“right... does she sleeping?”

“kinda? i mean, she just fell into. we need to cool her body and... keep hydrated if she woke again.”

“uh huh,” he nodded to mingyu but his mind was flying around her, and mingyu got that too. 

“it reminds the old days, isn’t it?” mingyu turned a bitter smile to the main dancer. his physique was nothing but masculine, strong and sturdy, but it was all facade now. almost had a vision of the dog ears hanging down on his head in soonyoung’s eyes. “if you think about, noona was always the one being cared for, not the one being taken care of, you know? it was pretty rare to see she being sick... how can that happen? everyone can get sick, that’s normal.”

“she’s very stoic... must’ve controlling her condition pretty carefully,” soonyoung leaned on the wall. 

“she won’t be like this at first place if she’s not this exhausted. she’ll let herself be sick so that she can get better. it’s... different, you know,” mini nodded, bites his lips. “i can’t get off the idea that we... might let be too late this time, she’s way beyond her limits.”

although the whole situation’s like the runaway train with a broken brake — no one knows how to stop it, able to do nothing but just watching it falls out from the cliff. all the boys felt bitter and responsible for let this happen, even it has nothing to do with them. 

DAY 1 - 6:07 PM

“kiki?” jeonghan’s voice tickles her ears. “you awake?” she still closing her eyes, unable to respond because not awake that much, but she can feel he bends over to check her expression because of the flickering of lights that she can sense through her eyelids. 

“how’s she?” it was minghao’s voice. then she finds out some coldness is on her forehead. “hao...?” kiki coughs but tries to voicing out her mind as much as possible. “hanni? is that you?” 

“yes kyo,” jeonghan’s sweet voice really works to calm her heart. limbs growing heavy. the whole vines and bones aching. the head is pounding. her whole body feels like burning, but kiki somehow felt peace. perhaps she finally accepts that she’s not well, not at all. “how you feeling?”

“cold...” she barely thought, so even herself surprised that she actually felt that way as she uttered. it feels like freezing. “i’m so cold.” she opened up her eyes. minghao wipes sweats out from her neck. “but it’s so hot,”

“i know noona. come on, drink some water,” he carefully hands the opened bottle. “you sweating a lot.”

it feels like a thousand years ago since last time she drink the water. the cold liquid flows down to her body through the throat, feels so nice. “i know you don’t feel well, but you need to eat something to take the pill. we bought fruit jelly, pudding, instant noodle, soup and popsicle.” 

“that’s many,” she laughed weakly. her cheeks are like a tomato to boys’ eyes. she must feels terrible, but somehow it also looked like kiki relieves at the same time. “maybe... maybe the soup, or jelly.”

“got it, i’ll bring to you.” minghao left from her sight. she slowly turned to jeonghan, who checking the cooling gel sheet mingyu miraculously found on the drugstore in neighbor is still cold enough. “you are sweating. maybe it’s good for you to wipe with clean towel and change some clothes now, so that back to sleep comfortable. you think you can do it?” 

“maybe,” she said before jeonghan nodded as “good.” 

minghao went back to her shortly after. jeonghan helped her to wake up her upper body, lean on the head board. she didn’t understand that much taste of consommé, but just eat something felt like a most exhausting labor. after she ate half of the orange jelly, minghao carefully observed she swallows every pills. 

“oh, and don’t forget to take a temperature.” jeonghan suddenly realized both completely forgot about that, said with a surprise how dumb they could be. “huh, 38.9 degree... it seems like not the highest.”

“yeah, maybe it’ll get more higher.” kiki nodded, said, “but once hit the highest, then it will go down eventually. just need a bit more patience.” minghao bites his lower lip. why she doesn’t stop to sooth us even like this time? are we that unreliable? 

“myeongho ya.” jeonghan gently calls the dancer boy. “it’s her body, she knows well about it. i was thinking maybe she can clean her body and change, you know?” minghao then realized it’s his consideration. “ah, yes... i’ll tell noona’s conditions to others.” 

“...i felt i did something wrong,” kiki murmured after he left the room. her speak was fuzzy, but the senses still sharp. jeonghan giggled about that, answered, “it’s okay, you are just being noona. now stop thinking and start changing, idiot.”

DAY 2 - 01:27 AM

something nice woke up kiki’s mind, brought it to the surface. something calm, soothing, make her feel like a home.

it’s a smell of the lavender. 

her world is dark, almost unable to see what’s in the room. she fumbled for her phone. it tells the date had changed already. after almost 7 hours of sleep, she feels somewhat better. there’s still dull weights on her core, but feels a step ahead to okay. then kiki saw the steam was billowing out of the white machine, found out that was what the nice aroma was all about. 

the door had opened with small noises. it was jun. “oh, sorry. did i wake you up?” 

“no, i just got awake. nice smell,” she waved her hand toward the humidifier. “is that you?”

“kinda. it was vernon who made a call to the reception.” he shrugged as if someone found the prank he had planned. jun reached kiki’s forehead, found out her gel sheet is clearly not cool enough and the tips are all dry. “i’ll grab another one. you want something?”

“uhm, something hot drink would be nice, if you have some,”

“okay, i’ll find something.”

it was a chamomile tea he brought to her shortly after, but the scent was more sweet than just tea. “i called my mom after the dinner, asked her how to make honey tea she usually made for me or my brother when we got sick. i couldn’t recreate perfectly tho — like it’s a teabag but, yeah.”

“wow... thank you. smells so nice,” she could let out a small smile like a sigh. the aroma of herb and honey permeated into her exhausted spine. the moment like this, it felt ages ago that she last spent time with them like this outside of schedules. just sits down and talking, no any stress or extra. 

it hits different. 

the taste of the honey melted on her tongue. it nothing but helped to ease the ick in her throat which was sitting through the entire day since the morning. kiki feels like she’s in the bottom of deep, deep hole. all black and the dark clings all the way to her shoulders to limbs. feels helpless. 

“still awake?” she asks jun, tries to hide the sniffle and teary eyes. “well, yep. the game i recently found — it’s really fun,” he rambles as scratching the back of head, knowing kiki isn’t always happy about her stay awake in late night because of the game. she never directly pointed out tho — because both knew it was kinda too much for the adult young man who is completely responsible for his own actions — but they also knew, sometimes caring and love could be a bit annoying. 

however, unlike his prediction, she just hummed with a smile at his guilty pleasure. he added in haste, “i know. i’ll make sure i won’t be too late.” then kiki shook her head slowly. “i am not some strict teacher, junnie. today is also off, right? you can stay late and oversleep sometimes. it’s fine.” 

jun nodded, but with a slight taste of awkwardness, not gonna lie. he tucked her hair behind the ears, stared at a chin, which looked like little too tighten. “you really should eat a lot after you get better... look boney, not good.”

“i miss your tomato and egg. would you make for me? after we back to korea?”

“anytime.”

he took the empty cup from her with himself. the nice warm tea started to make a nice effect on kiki’s body. her spine feels toasty, the mind starts melting on the pillow. she crawls herself between the sheets before let a small yawn escape from her. but when she starts dozing off, someone slips in oneself through the door — joshua brought the card key of her room and handed to boys in the morning. 

“junnie…?” she murmured under the sleepiness. “it’s me, noona.” soft, low voice whispered into her ear. “can i cuddle with you?”

“sure,” kiki lifted the sheets for him. “come in, wonwoo.”

he slid himself next to her. it feels secure when wonwoo buries his nose on her neck, limbs entangles her. his temperature was usually not that high, so it was nice to have his hand — not cold but not too hot that made her sweat neither — on her hand, holding loose, caressed back of her hand.  

“good night, wonwoo.” she whispered softly before she fell asleep. 

“good night, noona.” wonwoo hummed. “have a nice dream.”

(    📁    )   :   NAVI   :  MASTER LIST     

(    tag list    )   :   @smh-anon @jennwonwoo @angie-x3 @scarlet789

[tomsvouge]

Because I Liked a Boy

𝘚𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺↣ -𝘠/𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 "𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘴" 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦 "𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘦" 𝘑𝘰𝘦 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘹 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭.

(𝘐𝘯𝘴𝘱𝘰: 𝘉𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘉𝘰𝘺 𝘣𝘺 𝘚𝘢𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘢 𝘊𝘢𝘳𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳)

𝘈𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦:𝘩𝘪𝘪𝘪 𝘪𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳! 𝘐𝘵𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘢𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘱𝘭𝘴 𝘣𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘮 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦💕𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘭𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘰𝘳 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴 ♡

𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 lahjay10_,teehiggins,yourinsta, and others

Joeyb_9 #1 Fan❤️

User1- ummm where is Alex??

User2-obviously not here

Lahjay10_ -Nah she more like top 3… and not 2 or 1

Teehiggins- who 1 then cause it certainly not u

Lahjay10_ -I’m uno for a reason

Yourinsta- always and forever 🩷

Joeyb_9-🩷

User13- Alex was better

User4-yea better at using his fame and money y/n has been there since HIGHSCHOOL😂

User5- HOME WRECKER🤮🤮🤮

User17-Money hungry asf

User13-all the toxic joey fan girls mad at her for taking a picture with a friend MISERABLE

User18- SLUTTTTT🤮🤮

User20- She’s only a rebound for Joe 🙄he will be back with Alex in a week tops

Sitting in the studio overthinking… as always. Scrolling through Instagram when I see that Joe posted us. I should have just liked and scrolled. But no.. my curiosity got the best of me. Once again I was getting hated on.

I knew this would happen, I wasn’t dumb. Once you start dating a top quarterback all you receive is hate and death threats. Especially when his ex girlfriend is a favorite by some of his fans. Some fans are nice and supportive of the relationship but other are just unnecessarily hateful and comparing me to Alex.Joe’s ex girlfriend.

Alex was not good for Joe at all. All she did was judge him and use him. People only liked her because she was pretty and put on a act for the public when cameras came on. When paparazzi comes she’s the first one to answer all questions and sometimes even calls them to spy on Joe.

As I write on the paper all that comes to mind is all the hate I’ve been receiving. People telling me to kill myself. People telling me that I’m a slut and that I’m only with Joe because of his money. It doesn’t help that Alex is making shady post trying to get my attention. I can’t say I haven’t seen it but I also can’t respond. It seems like anything I do now causes an uproar between the fans.

Some time goes by as I hear a knock on the door.

“Come in!”

“Hey lovie” Joe said with a smile.

“So I was just driving and wondering if u would want to come to my first game of the season before you start getting busy with performances?” Joe asked

“Umm I would love too for sure but don’t you think with all the stuff that’s going on in the media would just make it a bad time?”

Of course I wanted to go to Joe’s game. I always go to his games. This started all the way back in high school. Guess some people that say I’m using him forget I knew him before the fame and fortune.

“I mean this has happened before but that doesn’t mean it’s right. But you also shouldn’t let it affect your day to day life..” Joe said

You sigh as you think about it “ I don’t know Joe, it’s still might be too much to handle right now..”

“Ok how about this. I’ll just get you a suite that way you’ll be in the comfort of people you know” Joe suggested as he strokes hair out of your face.

“I guess that would make it a little better than being in the crowd” I said looking at the paper in front of me.

Joe knew that you had been getting hate. And he knew that this wasn’t the first time. He hated seeing you like this. Seeing you insecure and depressed all the time. You constantly reminded Joe that the hate was not his fault but he couldn’t help but feel like it was. Joe does his best to try to get you out of the house and it doesn’t help that the house has your studio in it. He’s been taking you on walks, having movie nights,and going star gazing with you. Even after all that and more it was never enough to bring you out of your slump.

Getting up in the morning was always the toughest part of the morning. I look to the side of me to see an out line of Joe’s body. A sudden sound catches my attention only for it to be joe coming out of our closet with his jersey.

“Morning baby. I got you one of my jerseys to wear to the game.” Joe said with a smile on his face.

Uhhh sure I’ll wear it but what if people see me wearing it?”

“So? Fuck em. Only thing that matters is us and our love. Who cares if somebody doesn’t like us together. As long as we’re happy that’s all that matters.” He says in a soft tone while sitting at the edge of the bed.

I sit and think about what Joe says and he’s right. I shouldn’t let people from the outside looking in dictate how I live my life or how my relationship is. I’m happy and he’s happy. And that’s all that matters.

“Alright now enough sad shit we have a game to will and people to prove wrong” He said while smiling and yanking the blanket off of me.

I get up and head downstairs to eat breakfast only to see that Joe already made it for me.

I grab the plate of food and see that there is a note next to it. I pick it up and read it.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴!-𝘫𝘰𝘦𝘺

All I could do was smile at him. He always finds a way to make me laugh even when I’m in the darkest of times or at the lowest of lows.

As we’re getting closer to the stadium my mind starts racing. My heart starts going 2x it’s speed and my breathing quickens. Seeing all these people makes thoughts come to my head.

"𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘴"

"𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦"

"𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵"

I’m separated from my thoughts when I feel Joe squeezing my hand. I turn to look at him after taking a breath.

“You ok? We’re here” joe says with concern on his face.

“I’m fine just thinking..” I say while looking down at my anxiety filled leg.

“Look at me”I look at him

“Nothing that anyone says is true, you know what she did and you know you are infinitely times better than she will ever be. Don’t let these people control you. You control you.” He said in a way that sounded stern but comforting at the same time. I don’t say anything I just smile and nod this time. Sometimes you don’t need to speak, all you need is to comprehend the words being said.

Once Joe and I got out of the car I start to feel better about the situation I’m put in. I’m just going to meet up with the other girls and I’ll be fine. Everything’s going to be fine..

It’s halftime in the game and the boys are not looking so good in the game. I look at Joe and it looks like he’s looking at the suite I wave and surprisingly he waves back. Didn’t think he could even see up here tbh. I stop waving at him when all of a sudden a drink and food is thrown at the glass. It startles me so I back up a little bit. Looking in the crowd I see her. Alex with a malicious smile on her face. Fans around her yelling hurtful words at me like “slut” “whore” “snake” “home wrecker” and “gold digger”. It was another thing for this to be said online, but something about me hearing and seeing the faces in person made it so mischievous more real. Not just a mind game. A nightmare. It was reality.

As Joe is looking over plays he hears an uproar in the crowd. He looks behind him only to see the suite glass covered in food. So much that he couldn’t even see you. He wanted to go up there so badly but he couldn’t. Halftime was over at it was back on to work.

The car ride back home was quiet. The only sound being made coming from the radio in the car. Joe knew you didn’t want to talk about it. You knew that Joe wasn’t the type to talk after losing a game. But that’s not the reason he didn’t talk. He didn’t talk because he was pissed at those people throwing things at the glass and yelling things at you. He was pissed because you didn’t even get to watch the rest of the game and enjoy yourself. You went back to the car and cried your eyes out in the back seat. All Joe did the whole ride was put his hand on yours.

Once Joe put the car in the garage you walked into the house and immediately went upstairs. You got in to the shower and just cried. You cried your heart out because you knew the sound of the water would drown your sounds of sorrows.

Once getting out of the shower you put on shorts and a hoodie. You looked at the hoodie and realized it was the one Joe gave you on your very first date with him. You two were cuddling and watching the stars on his trampoline in the backyard in high school. The memory made you smile a little. You looked into the mirror and did not recognize the woman in front of you. The sad drained and depressed woman.

Walking into the room was like walking into a room with people you don’t know. Quiet and tense. I got in the bed with joe and turned with my back facing him. I was drifting off the sleep when he spoke up.

“I’m sorry” he said in almost a whisper.

“ it’s not your fault. You didn’t know what would happen today.” I say turning around to face him

“ I know but I’m the one who persuaded you to come out..” Joe said. You couldn’t see his face but you know you wouldn’t like the saddening sight.

“Even if you didn’t convince me, it was probably going to happen sooner or later.” I say reaching up to touch his hair.

“The media asked about it today. I didn’t respond how I truly felt but I got my point across.” Joe said leaning into my touch.

“What did you say?”

“I told them that what has been happening and what happened today was very disturbing and disrespectful towards you and our relationship. And that any fan that has said hurtful things to you and did what what happened today is no fan of mine.”

“That’s very sweet Joey thank you” I say with a yawn.

“Hey, how about we go on a trip during the bye week? Just you and me. No social media” He says pulling me closer.

“Sound perfect” I say drifting off to sleep.

𝘛𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘥: @nolagriddy @ohlookitsasinglepoeceofpopcorn

[saralovesyouu]

Hello, :) I hope ur well. Can I pls request a comfort fic with Saeyoung and a depressed f!reader? Let's say reader is not the type to cry at all, like he has never seen her cry because she keeps it all bottled up even though she's in a lot of pain. I hope that's ok. Thank u ^^

Don’t cry, I’m here. — Saeyoung x fem! reader

Of course! And I’m doing well besides the 3 hours of sleep I’ve gotten, thanks. I hope you are too. I was confused about the gender of the reader, so I was rereading that a few times cause I was like. What? But when I read it the fourth time I was like OH they meant female reader. I thought that was funny I’m a little dumb, but anyways! Also yeah no that’s fine, I hope you enjoy it!

This is very much proofread.

I didn’t want to specify the reader’s issues cause of depression cause I don’t want to be like “oh the reader is upset cause of this” and then for you to have meant a different thing, so I tried to write it so that the reader’s reason for breaking down so suddenly wouldn’t be.. specific.

Warnings : Not much, reader’s reason for breaking down is not specific, reader is suggested to be female, a bit of comfort.

Saeyoung was sure he had you figured out. From small details about you in person, to large pieces of information of you online. He memorized every freckle and mole on your body, every password to all of your accounts.

So that’s why it surprised him when he saw you—his beautiful girlfriend—crying.

How did it get to this point? Well to him there was only one conclusion.

You were bottling it all up. How could he not notice?

It should’ve been obvious enough whenever you said you didn’t want to eat cause you lost your appetite, or when you seemed a tad more exhausted than usual, or even just when you started to space out whenever he was talking.

All the signs were there, right in front of him too.

So why didn’t he catch on?

Why didn’t he catch the way your eyes seemed to be unusually dull? Why didn’t he see the way you seemed to not want to get out of bed, refusing and blaming it on your fatigue? Why did he let it go far, why was he so blind to see you were in pain?

He of all people understands what that type of pain feels like, what it’s like to mask it and bottle it up, so why didn’t he know you were feeling this way?

So it was no surprise how speechless he was when he got home to see you crying on the bathroom floor.

He stayed shocked, standing in the doorway seeing you crying your heart out. Saeyoung didn’t stay frozen in dismay, rushing to your side.

“Hey, honey, no-no don’t cry what’s wrong?” He panicked, he wasn’t sure what to do.

“‘ts just too much to handle Saeyoung..” you cried, clinging onto him for the sake of your sanity.

“I don’t know what to do.. I thought my problems are my problems and they should stay my problems—“ you hiccuped “—so I wouldn’t have to bother you or anyone else about it, but it’s just too much pressure—I’m so sorry.”

“I didn’t want to be burden on any of you.”

Saeyoung felt his heart shatter when he heard how pained your voice sounded, holding you close as he hushed you “Hey, don’t apologize. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” was what he asked, but really he was thinking why didn’t he see it sooner?

Usually he’d know what to do, how to comfort you. But he’s never seen you like this before. Hell, he has never seen you cry before. So he’s so thrown off on what to do.

“You were always—“ you tried to talk, but your words only came out in choked out sobs so Saeyoung interrupted you.

“Shh.. shh it’s okay my love. I’m just..” he paused, unsure what the right words to say were “I’m here now, tell me what’s wrong?”

And so you spilled. All your troubles and worries, every single doubt and problem you’ve been experiencing. And he sat there, holding you close to him as if you would slip through his hands like sand—and listened to every word you had to say.

After you had finished, your rambling now incoherent due to your sobs, he gently rubbed soothing circles onto your back. “It’s okay. I’m here now. You’re okay.” He cooed, hoping that would help in comforting you.

But you weren’t calming down, and he wasn’t sure what to do. He was thinking of texting, or maybe even calling another RFA member in hopes they would know, but he somehow already knew they’d be as clueless as he was now. So all he could do was try to calm you down.

“Hey,” Saeyoung whispered, pulling you back up by your shoulders, your teary eyes staring right back into his golden ones “can you breathe with me?”

Yeah, he thought. That should be the first step in calming her down, right?

“O.. Okay.” You hiccuped.

“Good, okay. Breathe in,” he inhaled, waiting for you to inhale with him as well, and after a few moments he exhaled “breathe out.”

It took a while, but eventually you weren’t crying as bad anymore.

“Okay,” Saeyoung mumbled “okay.”

“Are you okay?” He asked, his voice was soft, and low—in almost a whisper-like way. Which heavily contrasted his usually ‘happy-go-lucky’ nature.

“I think so.” Was all you managed to croak out in response, hiccuping a bit. But at least you weren’t sobbing to the point of being unresponsive.

He was still very much confused. You always seemed so cheerful, laughing at his jokes, teasing Yoosung with him. You never cried, or if you did, never in front of him.

Saeyoung wants to take care of you, the way you did with him when he tried to push you away.

“Do you..” he paused, propping himself up so now he was leaning against the wall “..do you need anything? Water? A snack?”

“Can you just stay here with me?” You asked, your eyes fluttering closed, a bit worn out from crying so much “Just for a bit.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, nodding “yeah I can do that.”

And at least, you thought, you at least had some form of peace in his arms. He wouldn’t let anyone hurt you, and for the first time you didn’t feel alone, no longer wallowing in the depths of your depression. Cause now, now you had Saeyoung.

And he was going to make sure you, his precious girlfriend, would never feel like this ever again. Or at least be there for you whenever you fell into that deep rabbit hole again.

But one thing was for sure, he would make sure you never have to face this type of issue on you own.

————

Bonus!!

“Saeyoung..” you whispered, still curled up in a fetal position as he wrapped himself around you.

“Yeah?” He hummed in reply, tugging you closer to him, as if to remind you that he’s still there.

“Thank you.” you chuckled, your voice was quiet, but he still managed to hear you.

Saeyoung was about to speak again, when he heard you talk “You shouldn’t have seen me like that. But still, thank you for staying with me.”

He was a bit surprised. What did you mean he shouldn’t have seen you like that?

“It’s nothing.” Was all he murmured, snuggling his face deeper into the crevice of your neck.

“You sure you don’t have anything else to do?” You asked, then adding “No work to be done? I don’t want you getting in trouble just because I’m .. like this.”

Saeyoung chuckled, making a faint ‘pssh’ sound “I’m sure I can take a break from the computer if it means making sure your okay.”

All you did was hum in reply, nodding in confirmation.

“Hey (Y/N)?” He called, propping himself up on his elbows, looking over to see your face.

“Yeah?” You replied, eyes flickering to meet his.

“You know I love you, right?” He murmured in more of a question, but you knew he only meant to assure you.

“Yeah, I know.” you nodded turning around to be face to face with him.

“I love you too.”

(A/N) : This is about maybe 900 words? Maybe a bit more than that. I was pretty reluctant on posting this, not cause of anything with the request but the way I had written it was kinda ehhh to me. Y’know? I’m not good with comfort but this was fun to try! I really hope you liked it, if you didn’t please do not hesitate to lmk so I can fix anything and everything for you, but I hope you’re well too! And I’m also sorry for not publishing this sooner, as I said before I’m a bit insecure of my writing hesitant to post this. But I’m going to, just cause I want to see if there’s anything I can fix. I’m always open to criticism! That being said, thank you for reading this, and again—if you see that anything need fixing or something is not to your liking lmk!!

[billys-pretty-babe]

dom billy cuddling sub anxious reader. fluff ending with smut to make reader feel better

if you don’t like this feel free to change it around. In the middle of the night reader starts crying feeling anxious, which wakes billy up. He snuggles up next to her all like ‘hey hey. whats wrong baby?’ Him just super protective, cuddling reader, wiping her tears away. Constantly touching her being all cuddly snuggle his head into her neck being all touchy like a teddy bear grinding his hard dick against her( trying to make her feel better cus THEYRE both horny animals)🥺❤️

Billy’s dominance is there even if he’s being soft. He is rational but his girlfriend is an anxious mess- constantly worried about everything, never feeling at peace and just depressed in general. Billy sighs and man handles reader ontop of his body so her back is against his chest. He gives advices becoming stern( because it’s the only way she can understand), and tells her that she needs to learn to become strong in life. Not be a weak mess, making up fake problems in her head, just comforting her but kinda like in a serious way because she needs to be told ‘harshly’ otherwise she doesn’t understand, all whilst touching her sensitive nipples hehe, making her squirm ‘b-billy no’ ‘shhh it’s okay I’ve got you. I’m always here for you’.

Subby reader whines and billy cooes her telling her everything will be okay. ‘Let me make you feel better’.And he rubs her puffy pussy, sleepily praising her for being such a good girl and they fall asleep cuddling❤️ THIS IS SUCH A MESS LMAO I CAN CHANGE IT IF U WANT BHEHEJD

i had to sit and think on this for a while to really think about how to go about this.

Good

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x Fem!Reader

Summary: ^^^^^

Warnings: dom/sub dynamics (very light because i've never written dom!billy before), smut implications, smut

Word count : 1,170

The room was filled with soft pants, the two of you trying to catch your breath as you looked up at the ceiling. Billy laid beside you on his stomach, his left hand reaching out and pulling you close, coddling you, making sure he didn't hurt you in the throes of passion.

Billy was always soft on you, he had a very hard exterior but when the two of you were alone, he was the biggest softie, his blue eyes always soft. He ran his hand over your hair, giving your temple a kiss as he spoke softly to you, rubbing your stomach with his hand, doing his best to lull you to sleep as you cuddled further into his body, seeking the warmth that you had felt for a near hour, your body craving his body against yours.

Your eyes snapped open; your heart was heavy as your mind ran a million miles an hour. Your boyfriend was sleeping, his loud snores filled the room. Tears fell, and you did nothing to stop them. Maybe you weren't good tonight. How did you have your hands positioned on him? How deep did you scratch? Did you draw blood on him?

The thoughts wouldn't stop and didn't stop until Billy's warm hand gently tightened on your hip as the bed shifted a little as he moved closer to you, resting his head beside yours on your pillow. "What's wrong, baby?" he asked, his voice gravelly from sleep. You shook your head, looking ahead at the sheer white curtains, looking at the moon and how it's light shone into the small bedroom.

His hand left your hip to wipe your tears, his thumb softly stroking your cheek as his index finger did all of the work. "Baby," he said again, "what's wrong? You have to tell me so I can make it better." His hips shifted behind you and your body reacted, your butt moving back to press directly against him, and he groaned into the pillow.

"Uh uh," he gently scolded, "tell me first and then, we'll go for a second round." You sighed, beginning to tell him your feelings, how you felt like you did the wrong things tonight. His hands moved down to your chest, wrapping his arms around you to cuddle you. "Look, listen to me, alright?" You nodded, still pushing your hips back, trying to get just a little friction to satiate that deep need for him.

"Your brain," he brought an index finger up and gently tapped your forehead, "makes up things to make you feel bad, alright? You did nothing wrong; you've never done anything wrong when we have sex. You start freaking out at the littlest things and baby, no one expects you to be perfect and make no mistakes. I'm the biggest fuck up in the world, but I don't dwell on my mistakes unless they have something to do with you. You're always so skittish anywhere we go, you don't talk to people, and you play the safest option so that no one looks at you. I love you, I genuinely do, but baby, you've got to learn how to get out there. I'm not going to be here to protect you forever."

You gulped; you knew he was right about everything. You hated speaking up for yourself, Billy always did that for you. You hated attention, except when it came from your boyfriend, you loved it then. "I'm sorry," you said softly. "What are you apologizing for," he asked, squeezing you a little tighter, releasing your body with one of his arms as his thumb traced around your breast, his lips now on your shoulder as he spoke, giving you brief tiny kisses when it was your turn to speak.

You shrugged, "I don't know." He laughed softly, kissing where your arm met your shoulder. "There's nothing to apologize for. Sometimes you just get worked up for nothing, just try and calm yourself down and think if it's worth it, alright?" You nodded. "I love you," he said, kissing the back of your neck, letting his lips linger. "I love you too." He smiled against your skin.

His left hand snaked down your stomach, caressing right below your belly button. "Is it okay if I go further?" You nodded and opened your legs just enough for his hand to find purchase between your thighs. You whimpered at his cold fingers made contact with your clit. He tsked softly in your ear, "So wet when you were crying." You laughed, a soft sniffled escaping as well. "You were grinding on me, couldn't help getting wet." He laughed, kissing the shell of your ear.

His finger rubbed circled on the top of your clit as you squirmed in his hold, and he tightened his hand on you a little. "Stop moving, tell me what you need." Your left leg wound up between his legs, spreading your legs just a little more. "Need your fingers." He laughed, "You have them." He knew exactly what you needed, but he wanted to hear it.

"Inside, need them inside." He nodded, "Good girl." One finger, then two fingers were inside you, immediately curling up, right against that sweet spot. A high-pitched moan escaped your mouth, back arching just a little, your cheat moving quickly. Billy knew what he was doing when it came to your body, he knew how to dram out orgasm after orgasm with the right spots and he knew exactly where they were located.

"Easy, just let it happen. I can feel you clenching around my fingers. I got you, let go for me." You whined, head falling back at his words. He was the king of dirty talk and talking you through an orgasm, which you were thankful for in moments like these, late night fingering sessions, late night hand jobs or blowjobs.

His right hand rubbed your stomach as your body succumbed to the pleasure as he continued talking you through your orgasm. You came down from your high and he kissed you. "Atta girl, good job." He eased his fingers out of you considering how sensitive you were, having received two orgasms from his earlier in the night, and a third just now.

"Thank you," you said as you caught your breath a little, getting your heart to slow down. He laughed, "For what?" You shrugged, "The talk, the orgasm, all of it." He laughed, kissing the back of your head once again, "You're welcome." He wiped his sticky fingers on the inside of your thigh and cuddled with you once more. "You don't want anything?" He shook his head, his eyes already fluttering shut. "Sleep is what I want, we'll fuck again before breakfast, if you're up to it."

You smiled, putting your hand over his, "Okay." He smiled, pulling the blanket a little higher over the two of you, his thumb rubbing your stomach, making you fall back asleep, your body awaiting the pleasure that it would receive at the crack of dawn.

[crguang]

ok, so, I wasn’t sleeping bc I probably just have insomnia, possibly my depression, and also I’d just moved in to my dorm and I suck at sleeping in new places, lol, dw tho I slept for like most of the weekend and I’ve been sleeping regularly this week.

I honestly forgot that we don’t actually know wtf the stellaron hunters are actually doing , line they literally could just be lying abt everything. Actually none of them even say anything except Kafka , blade has his own thing going on, silver wolf is usually behind the scenes fucking around and firefly just didn’t say a thing , like come on, TB didn’t even think to ask anything, there was that dreamscape pass thing of whatever it’s called and the quote from 2.3 is like “Once, we dreamed of being strangers.Upon waking up, we realized we had always loved each other.” Which I assume is abt TB and firefly, and I do kind of wish we got some more stuff about TB’s past with the stellaron hunters, especially since firefly was so important, but it’s whatever. I am actually kind of interested in the script, what Elio tells them to say, and the stuff they’re just making up as they go. Especially since firefly’s script for penacony was just a few words (also firefly said she was part of the iris family the acting/performing one bc she carries out scripts). And Kafka was told was to tell TB during her interrogation abt what they’re doing on the Luofu, but I’m not sure if she’s just lying after that 😭Kafka has some explaining to do when she comes back very soon, in the main story.

hsjajsmskdmnx the arrests on the Luofu are so silly tho, especially since jing yuan pardoned her so she’s not technically wanted there anymore BUT I STILL WANT HER even tho she’s literally worth almost 11 billion by the IPC. The IPC stuff kind of bothers me tbh, they’re not the government, but also they’ve got a fair amount of authority, I feel like pardoning the stellaron hunters wouldn’t be allowed, like I don’t understand how Jing yuan did that without getting in trouble 😭 especially with the most wanted one. And topaz APPARENTLY doesn’t know who the stellaron hunters are, in her voice line abt them she said she didn’t know who they were but they had a good credit score ITS KAFKAS CREDIT SCORE SHES THE ONE W THE CARD and like it’s funny bc that means Kafka registered it under her actually name, and no one cares. Like it would’ve been funnier if she said like the wanted criminals, the ones who blah blah blah, but they have a good credit score. And jade knew exactly abt firefly and the other stellarom hunters, and even tho they’re different ranks topaz should know them. Especially considering the fact that they’re pretty infamous, ig I shouldn’t be nitpicking especially since march literally says when in Rome one time, but whatever.

sorry for ranting 😭 hope you’re doing ok!

-🌠

hope you’re doing a bit better!! insomnia is a bitch, make sure to take care of yourself as much as u can <3

i totally agree with you on the stellaron hunters not revealing anything, i dont really expect them to since we’re still quite early in the game timeline wise but it’s a bit disappointing for the TB to have gotten close to firefly and she never alluded to them knowing each other before, especially when the game’s marketing was pushing romantic implications between them😭 and the trailblazer’s “idgaf” mentality is a bit annoying because i get wanting to move forward and not wanting to be burdened by the past but not being curious at all is… weird. even march, who was repeatedly told not to look into her past, got upset about it at some point. and in the TB’s case, their connection with the stellaron hunters is actively shaping their present/future, so it’s not like they gain nothing from asking a few questions. kafka was the one who encouraged them to get some information from her when they were alone by playing truth or lie, like they don’t care😭 it’s annoying cause i wanna knowwww. a big missed opportunity with firefly imo, we could’ve gotten a pattern of learning a little bit about the trailblazer on every planet they stop by and it’d have been nice. instead all i get is trashcan and raccoon jokes like oh brother are we 8. i wonder what the script actually says, the SH says he always tells the right future but from what we know , it feels super vague. “experiencing 3 deaths” “finding the stellaron in a non-physical way” is not precise at all like how do they even carry those orders😭 no wonder they have liberty to do lots of stuff during missions, there’s barely anything in the damn script

about jing yuan, he’s general of the luofu and the xianzhou has its own regulations and criminal law, the ipc has no control over how they treat their prisoners and their bounties dont really matter to the xianzhou unless they want the money LMFAO, so the ipc has no jurisdiction to punish jing yuan for letting the SH get away. not to mention that the alliance and the ipc have trade agreements and stuff, so their relationship would be damaged and the ipc wouldnt benefit from that. at the end of the day they’re a corporation, they don’t really care for justice.

what bothers me is TOPAZ. IT MAKES NO SENSE. she’s a stoneheart in the same division as jade, sure jade is more cunning and always looking for opportunities to make profits but not knowing them at all is so ridiculous and unrealistic fr. they’ve broken into pier point like twice and that’s her place of work😭😭😭😭😭😭 no way she never heard anything about it to not form an opinion on them. i feel like giving her a voiceline about them was just for the credit score joke which also makes zero sense because why would any of them pay taxes to the corporation that wants them dead or imprisoned. how would the ipc even know which credit card is theirs and why are they doing nothing about it like its so stupid… herta froze all of silver wolf’s accounts cause she was feeling petty but youre telling me the ipc is monitoring their credit scores?.. like im not going to lie i dont take the ipc seriously at all. silver wolf was literally participating in a tournament they sponsored and they just let her compete. like that girl was on the big screen with people cheering her on… for a company that would benefits from civilians fearing/hating the SH, they really dont give a fuck. once again it lowers the stakes and makes the story less exciting for me, and in general it’s inconsistent and weird narration wise to approach heavy themes while simultaneously making a joke of everything. if that makes sense 😭 like the tonal shifts are always very harsh and out of place, it’s one of the things i hate the most about hsr. having the trailblazer crack a stupid joke when everyone’s super serious (which often gets them ignored by dan heng or makes march’s face turn unimpressed, or has her tell them now isnt the time) is starting to annoy me like we get it they’re dumb as rocks omg. when cocolia died at the end of the belobog mission and march’s first words were “well! what an adventure!” in front of bronya hello?!? having no tact in actual serious situations isnt endearing to me like u can just keep ur mouth shut atp

anyway sorry i ranted i guess i needed that off my chest HDJFKFKG

[hwangphoria]

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I Miss My Ex… | Seo Changbin

CHANGBIN X FEM READER.

Genre: Angst. Sad. Communication issues.

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“I just feel like he’s lost interest in me, you know? And I don’t want to misjudge it because I know he’s just busy and probably worn out… but it hurts. Anytime we’re together he’s on his phone most of the time or sleeping.”

I let out a deep sigh as I laid back onto my bed, pulling the covers back up and over my body as I had been previously before, sitting on FaceTime with my best friend Yeonjun, ranting to him about all of my problems.

He’s such a good friend.

I’m ranting about my boyfriend Changbin, and I love him, and no I’m not cheating on him with Yeonjun. I get shivers just at the thought of me doing anything like that.

He’s just… he overworks himself and whenever he comes home, he greets me most times, but he’s always on his phone whenever he’s around me… and it feels like he’s losing interest in me.

I know he loves me, believe me. I think he’s just depressed, and no matter how much I try to get him to talk to me he just won’t open up.

It’s worrying me, Because usually he’s a mushy clingy baby whenever he’s around me.

“You know how it is, Y/N. He’s an idol, and he’s having a comeback soon, he’s probably worn out because he works for a douchebag, JYP is tough, I’m so glad I didn’t get in there.”

He sighed, explaining a possible answer to me, knowing that he was right, making my heart ache in worry and pain for Changbin.

JYP is seriously a Piece of Shit.

“Well, do you have any idea of what I could do to get him to pay the slightest bit of attention to me Mr. Choi Bighit idol duDe.”

I mocked him, causing him to roll his eyes sassily before a soft smile teased at both of our lips, shaking his head before he seriously began to think of something that could work.

“Well… you know after a long day you usually get on YouTube and watch random shit. And I saw this prank that might work,”

He spoke, causing me to immediately roll my eyes and shake my head in response to the idea. I already know what he was gonna say. One of those mean stupid ass couple pranks.

“No Jun. Those are mean and I’m trying to get him to pay attention to me and not leave me.”

“But they work! He won’t leave you. Come on, if you're THAT desperate then at least just listen to what I have to suggest.”

He rebutted, causing a deep exasperated sigh to escape my lips as I shifted in my spot and thought about it for a few moments.

This could work… I’ve also watched these videos on YouTube and most of the time they work.

“Alright whatever loser just tell me what it is, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it for sure… I just wanna know.”

“SO. There was this one I saw where she waited until they both got in bed at night, and when he came back from the bathroom she was scrolling through her exes Instagram, sighing dramatically and falsely of course. And her boyfriend had already noticed this and was already pretty mad, but then she said I miss you out loud, and it was… this whole big thing. And eventually they made up by the end of the video.”

It was almost as if Choi Yeonjun was proud of himself for bringing up such a dumb ass idea, leaning back into his chair with his arms crossed, his face smug as I sat there, my eyebrows scrunched together as I was so highly unamused.

“How in the world do you find that entertaining, I mean… Why would you intentionally hurt your partner?” I questioned.

“Y/N, it’s not real. It’s completely fake. If you do it, it makes him realize maybe I’m not treating her well enough and I need to step up my game.”

Okay… even though it’s mean… I have to admit that the psychology does seem pretty convincing…

I sat there and thought for a few moments, subconsciously biting on the inside of my cheek as I debated my options, looking at Yeonjun’s face, a deep sigh escaping my lips as I shook my head.

I can’t believe I’m gonna do this.

“Fine. But if my relationship falls between the cracks I’m blaming you Choi Yeonjun. I will set fire to twt about you know WHAT.”

“I’m hanging up now you little shit.”

His eyes narrowed as he rolled them soon after, grabbing his phone as he uncrossed his arms, waving at the camera before hanging up the phone, leaving me to sit there in silence with my own thoughts.

Yeonjun should be the last person I take advice from…but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.

***TIME SKIP***

I’m going to quite literally explode into a million pieces.

It was currently 10:30 pm and there was no sign of Changbin anywhere. Not even a Text yet, and he always texts me when he’s on his way home so he can grab dinner beforehand and asks me what I want…

All of a sudden my tummy began to rumble at the mental cue, a sigh escaping from my lips as I looked out the living room window, down at the city in front of me.

This prank has been weighing on my mind all day, and I even went and bought a new shirt in the men’s department and had it on since so maybe he’d think it was someone else’s….

That sounded less cruel in my head but whatever.

Without even another thought, the sound of the keypad filled my ears, my eyes widening as I perked up and made my way over to the front door as he had walked inside, my heart beginning to race.

I missed him so much.

“Hi baby, how was workies?”

I asked softly, as he turned around to face me, a soft but tired smile taking over his lips as he ruffled my hair and walked past me and headed into the kitchen, bag of food in his hands.

Well at least we’ll get to eat together.

I thought to myself as I followed him into the kitchen as if I were a lost puppy, a slight pout on my face as he didn’t even notice my new shirt, sitting down at the bar, waiting for him to sit across from me…. But he never did.

Instead he set the bag down in front of me and turned around to head upstairs to the bedroom, causing me to take ahold of his hand, my heart practically broken into a million pieces at this point.

“Baby, sit down and eat with me! You had a long day, you must be hungry.” I pleaded.

“I’m not hungry Y/N. I ate with the boys. I’m just exhausted, okay? I just need to sleep. I’ll be upstairs. I'm gonna shower.”

He said, his tone so nonchalant it felt as if my heart was going to burst any second. Letting go of his hand, I nodded and let my eyes trail after him until he disappeared upstairs into the bedroom.

I guess it's prank time.

After putting the food in the fridge to be eaten later, I headed on back upstairs after him. Once I was in the bedroom I heard the shower running, sitting down at my vanity and beginning to unwind for the day.

After taking off my makeup and putting on my moisturizer and night cream, I quickly put on my pajamas and my glasses and crawl under the covers, my back facing the bathroom door.

Eventually he had finished his shower, and I was scrolling through my exes page, about to quite literally barf in my mouth because I cannot even stand the thought of this mother fucker.

Hearing the door click open, I act as if I don’t hear it, a sigh escaping my lips as per cue as I continued on, my heart breaking even more, not because of my ex, but because I felt stupid… having to do this to even get his attention.

Just notice me god damn it.

I then felt him lay next to me, the click of his phone charger and the sound of a sigh slipping past his lips as I felt the tears begin to prickle at the brinks of my eyes, the lump in my throat so big.

Hearing him settle in and finally stop moving is when I completely lost it….

I can’t do this stupid prank.

I started sobbing. Turning off my phone and practically throwing it on the nightstand, burying my face in the pillow as I felt my body practically melting as my heart had finally shattered.

How could he not even acknowledge me in the slightest? Am I really not important to him anymore?

I heard the light click on as I tried to steady my breaths as I cried into the pillow but I failed miserably. A few moments later I felt two arms wrap around me, and pull me to sit up straight…

I knew it was Changbin.

Not wanting to face him, I quickly took my hands and covered my eyes with them as I continued on with my cries… but it didn’t take him long to take hold of them and force me to look at him… I finally broke down.

“I tried to do Yeonjun’s stupid fucking prank to get your attention but I just couldn’t… I just…” I tried to catch my breath from crying so much and trying to talk…

“I just want you to love me again. I want to have even an ounce of your attention. Do you even love me…”

I finally managed to get out, feeling my breathing begin to calm down as the crying became less uncontrollable, his eyes looking in mine as they were filled with worry, his eyebrows scrunched together making him look all the more handsome.

I love him so much…

“Y/n what in the world are you talking about?”

He questioned, causing a huff to escape my lips, shaking my head and looking down at my lap.

“I just… don’t feel like you love me anymore. And I was trying to get your attention today… by wearing a stupid shirt I bought at the men’s section, and I was scrolling through my exes Instagram… to get your attention, per Yeonjun’s recommendation…. But I’ve consistently failed.”

I took a deep breath and wrapped my arms around him, and buried my head into his shoulder, my tear stained cheeks soaking his black shirt.

I heard him let out a sigh as he pulled me onto his lap, feeling his hand on the back of my head as he pet my hair softly, calming me down almost instantly.

He always knew how.

“Baby. I’ve just been busy. And I… seriously just haven’t had any energy lately… with the comeback coming soon they have been pushing us to our limits. But I guess I let it get the best of me. I didn’t know you felt like that.”

I looked up at him to see the pout on his lips and the tear run down his cheeks as I sniffled myself and kissed his cheek.

“I just miss you…”

“I know my sweet baby. But… I’ve been neglecting you, and I know that. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. Regardless of the schedule tomorrow… I’m going to take a break. I’ll take tomorrow off and spend it with you.”

I shook my head in response to his words, feeling his thumbs wipe my tears from my eyes.

“No, binnie, I don’t wanna be selfish. That’s your job and I shouldn’t get in-“

He cut me off by pushing his lips onto mine, humming softly before he pulled away and looked into my eyes, taking ahold of my hands and interlacing our fingers.

“I’m doing it because I want to. Because I love you.”

He whispered softly and I nodded in response, my heart nearly skipping a beat.

“Good girl.”

I practically turned into jelly at those words, thinking for a few moments before taking his shoulders into my hands and pushing his back to the bed, reaching back over and clicking off the lamp my heart nearly racing out of my chest.

“Y/N what are you…”

“Let me take care of you.”

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ☾ ⋆

[detentiontrack]

can u talk a little about what meds you take for your bipolar and if they help/side effects u experience?

Absolutely!!! So I’m currently on 3 medications to manage my bipolar and PTSD

Lithium - started taking in 2022. Honestly this works GREAT. It helps with the depression and the rapid cycling (I used to rapid cycle a lot) and the mood swings. People always talk about how many side effects lithium has, but I honestly don’t really notice any at this point. When I first started taking it, I got SUPER nauseous, but after about a month my body got used to it and I didn’t experience any nausea except for when my dose was changed (which also resolved quickly). The only thing I should warn you about with lithium, is that when you first get on it, you’ll have to do a few blood tests to make sure your lithium levels are in the normal range. I think I got about 4 between 2022 & 2023 when I started getting my dose raised. I started on what I think is 600mg (I got put on it at the mental hospital so I’m not 100% sure if that’s the dose I started at) and now I’m on 1200mg and have been since 2023.

Next up is prozac - this is my newest medication. I started taking it for anxiety/PTSD, but I think it’s also helped with my depression. This med has gotten rid of most of my anxiety and panic attacks, and I also experience very minimal side effects. The only ones I can think of is dry mouth/excessive thirst (I always have to keep a drink with me) and (TMI warning) it’s also decreased my sex drive. The only thing I should warn you about is that if you’re bipolar, you need to be REALLY careful with SSRIs. SSRIs are notorious for causing intense mania (my first true manic episode was brought on by Zoloft) so consult with your doctor and make sure they’re aware of treatments for bipolar. I didn’t get manic from the Prozac, but I also started at a really low dose and we raised it gradually over time. (I’m on 20mg now. Started out on 5mg back in October)

Next up Lybalvi - I’m not even kidding when I say this medication saved my life. The first half of 2023, I was dysphorically manic and experiencing some of the worse psychosis I’ve ever experienced (like. I was locked in delusions and hallucinations 24/7. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I heard voices constantly, I genuinely thought God was targeting me specifically and trying to kill me so I was super paranoid and out of it) and my psychiatrist said that either I go back on an antipsychotic, or he was going to send me to the mental hospital again. Lybalvi is a combination of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) and Samidorphan. This medication got rid of ALL of my psychosis, minimized my depression, stopped me from becoming manic, and made it so I didn’t have the negative symptoms of psychosis. It’s the only antipsychotic that has helped me and not made me worse. The only big side effects I’ve noticed are muscle jerks, brain fog (if I take it too late. I’m usually fine if I take it before 9pm), dry mouth/excessive thirst, and a LOT of weight gain. The samidorphan is supposed to make it so that you don’t gain weight, but I gained around 60lbs from April 2023-January 2024. But even knowing what I know now, I would still choose to take it because it’s really helped so much. It’s because of this med that I’ve been hospital free for almost 2 years and I’m able to have a normal life and balance school and work and all that stuff. Don’t be scared of the med because of the weight gain side effect. It’s better to buy new pants in a few sizes up than it is to be in and out of the mental hospital every few months. I started on 5 or 10mg and now I take 15mg.

[exploredawhatifs]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you @xottan for the tag!!! This beginner is humbled and honored that you'd think to tag me so ended up doing this instead of sleeping.

How many works do you have on ao3?

(4) in my heart; (6) according to ao3. The first (3) were meant to be one thing, but I didn’t know better. Thought a series would tie them together as one unit more than it actually did.

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

157,510… I have mixed feelings about this. I love writers who have an economy of words so I suspect proper editing would cut that crazy number down, but I don't have a proper editing process.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Marvel Cinematic Universe and Sherlock with an eye towards some anime one day

4. Top five fics by kudos

By pure kudo count, the top three go to the three parts of the

For Appearance’s Sake series (Frostiron) followed by

The Doctor’s Choices (a Johnlock WIP) and

Bend Thee Aghast Challenge (a Frostmaster WIP)

but the kudo rank is nearly identical to the posting dates so with only a four month Ao3 career, I’m not sure kudos is a fair way to judge the work

5.Do you respond to comments?

I do now! @lokislonelylady helped me get over the initial comment response fear and I’m forever grateful. Writing and posting also gave me more confidence to leave comments for others’ works and @xottan was the first writer to respond at length. That was a game changer. I didn’t expect responses and still don’t, but it was nice to feel a connection (thank you!!), so now I make it a point to respond to any comments I get as soon as I can or at least before the next post. I don’t get many so it’s easy enough

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Angsty… maybe Unbinding (part three of that first series)? I was told the last part was a bit depressing before the comfort hit.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uh… only 2 works have an actual ending so far… but I suspect The Doctor’s Choices will be the happiest ending of what I have in the works.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not on the fics itself, not yet. More for not knowing what I’m doing, like tagging. The first version of tagging for For Appearance’s Sake series was a mess. Also for not understanding the ship I first ventured into. 

9. Do you write smut?

Ehm. Yes. Not sure that I'm particularly good at it, probably not but I only have one story that’s not explicit/dark, and that was just for a therapy assignment.

10. Craziest crossover?

None as of yet

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not yet. It’s early

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope, but that sounds cool.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet. I’ve never even had a beta reader… collabs sounds interesting. 

14. All time favorite ship?

Great question. This one is hard. It was Johnlock for a long time. I started reading in the MCU eight months ago, and the MCU has so many creative pairings that I’m just confused. That said, based on the various works in progress and ideas popping in my head, it must be Frostiron at the moment.

15. What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

None. This question prompted me to go fix what I hated about the wip and so, I'm good. I consider Fools’ Scheme a work in progress. Technically, it functions well enough as part 2 in the series in terms of moving the plot along, but considering the whole thing suddenly deviated to an emotional, happy ending, that middle part really needs some emotions massaged into make it work better with part 3, but emotionss are so hard.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I’d love to say action with a bit of world building, but who knows? It’s hard to judge your own work, and based on the comments from the English professor in college… this ESL kid was barely understandable.

Realistically, the strength I can confidently talk about is speed. Based on the past four months, I average about 1200 words an hour when at a computer; 600 an hour on my phone (though to be fair, usually when I’m writing on the phone… I’m also supposed to be doing something else… like work). Makes me question my career choice (zero writing involved in my day job). With this writing speed, I really would have been making bang during Dickenson’s day where writers got paid per word.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Emotionsss. How other writers put emotions on paper is beyond me.  I do okay with fear and anger but the feels? like love and sadness? Absolute crap, and I don’t know that it will get better since the moment my writing starts down that path, I nope out of there so fast that I’m done writing for that day or it pours out of me in an unfiltered melodrama that I can't imagine anyone wants to read and I’m a wreck for half a week.

Other than that, choppiness. I focus so much on the action and plot that some of it comes out short and action, action, action without the why... this is especially true because my adhd has me jumping from scene to scene or even story to story as I write. Literally Johnlock for ten minutes, then it’s Frostmaster for a paragraph, jump to two separate Frostirons I have going on in the back, and a random Loki & Nebula that’s brewing before jumping back to Johnlock. =.=;;; my brain…

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

Yesss. It would be fun to do it in the way Groot is handled in the MCU.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

MCU - Tony Stark/Loki, though it was without even understanding what Frostiron was. I must have read like five Tony Stark/Loki before jumping into writing an unplanned novel, and in all of them, Tony was pretty mean to some weak version of Loki. My fix was to make Loki a bit stronger so that he could send Tony to prison… turns out most people in Frostiron sees them together. Halfway through writing them, I suddenly realized why;;; They’re so alike.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

It varies from moment to moment. Literally, it’s the fic I’m working on and since the last thing I typed is Let’s do ‘Just a slave’, (Thor & Loki) that is the one at the moment, even if it was a therapy assignment. 

It’s not representative of my usual stuff but I did manage to write it in a single sitting of three hours and found it fun, so I guess it counts.

***done!***

Well, that was interesting. More challenging and fun than I had imagined.

Tagging someone: I also tag @lokislonelylady, though, like @xottan says, no pressure. Don’t know if you can even write until you’re fully healed. Sending my love and gratitude either way! Honestly, there should be an amazing commenters’ version of this because @lokislonelylady , you brighten people's day with your comments! I have learned to comment just as much thanks to you.

And while there's really no reason anyone else will stumble on my tumblr, but if you do and you’re writer, consider yourself tagged! (if you want)

[bbwithaknife]

Lessons in Calligraphy Part Two: Cross Your T's (Adrian Chase/Vigilante x Reader)

Hello hello and happy holidays. Today I gift you part two of my Adrian x Reader fic. It's my first smut too. It's not good, but listen I wrote it and my goal was to finish it and I did, so I feel pretty accomplished. My writing is incredibly rusty and forced but I'm proud I combatted my depression and said "fuck you I'm gonna do it anyway." <3 as always feedback is appreciated but please be nice as I am sensitive.

Warnings: Minors DNI. Explicit content. Please note reader goes by she/her, has a vagina and breasts. If I am missing anything, please let me know!

Word Count: 3k+

Part One

To say the car ride home wasn’t strange would be a lie. Before you had joined the team you were already pretty familiar with Evergreen, living just on the edge but still within the city limits. Adrian had made the comment that he knew the town like the back of his hand, never once leaving it. He recalled an incident involving a 7/11 and “some dead guys here and there” being the last time he’d been in your neck of the woods. His footprint of life was the complete opposite of you, moving outside of your hick countryside community as soon as you had the chance and headed straight for Gotham. And clearly, Gotham didn’t last very long and you landed in a mirror of a town you used to call home. 

You looked out the window of the “Vigilante Mobile” to admire the way the street lights shined down onto the asphalt below as you zoomed past, the yellow glow like millions of electrical lightning bugs. Adrian was doing the speed limit of course. It had rained momentarily, just a small dusting of rain as you made your way to your destination. The droplets of water stuck to the window and dissipated as you rolled it down. You stuck your hand out and rode the wind. The scent of fresh rainfall hit your nose, a comforting experience. 

He stayed silent for a few more minutes until the car reached the first stop sign. You made a mental note to inform Adrian that brakes shouldn’t grind like that.

“If I guess why you like me, will you tell me?” If he turned on the car’s interior light (if it even worked in this old hunk of junk) he might see the pink across your cheeks. But knowing Adrian, he wouldn’t dare turn the light on while driving. “That’s illegal” he would say, even though it’s just one of those things parents say. The car pulled forward and was back on the move.

“Fine.” You rolled the window back up and took a deep breath. 

“Is it because of how cool I was with that scimitar a few days ago?”

“No.”

His hands tapped against the steering wheel, thrumming a beat. “Oh! It’s because I’m all caught up with Fargo now.”

“No.” 

“Uh, you appreciate the friendship P and I share and commend us for escaping toxic masculinity and embracing our sexuality?”

You have to stifle a laugh, you know he’s being serious. “No.”

He could go on asking questions for hours if you let him. He would probably drive around aimlessly with no “Point A to Point B” in mind if you hadn’t told him he’d passed your house. 

“Shit, sorry.” He mutters.  A full stop and legal u-turn later, you arrived. Fishing your keys out of your pockets as you exit, the chirp of the car’s horn signalled it was locked could be heard right after your heels hit the pavement. Adrian was still playing guessing games on the way to the door. 

“You appreciate a hard-working busboy!” He sounded so matter of fact. You could feel his presence behind you, hell if you took a step back you’d be pressed against him, back to front. You moved to turn the key, but he was still going. “I mean, I guess maybe it should be busman. I’m 30. No one really considers a 30-year-old a boy, right? I mean, sure I’ve got a bit of a babyface -“

“It’s everything, I guess.” You can’t hide the bashfulness in your voice. You were hoping the creek from the door hinges would hide it when you finally push the damn thing open, ushering him inside. Sure it was dark out, but this was Evergreen; neighbours are nothing but nosey. How would you explain to Beverly you were ushering a wanted criminal accused of multiple murders into your little bungalow? Was he here for a game of Bridge? 

The moment you closed the door and lock it behind you, turning to meet his gaze, he’s on you like a bear to a beehive. Teeth clashed before lips met in a devouring kiss. Your keys fall to the floor clattering on the tiles below. He’s crowding you now, with your back against the door and a large hand gripping your ass. 

He breaks the kiss briefly to meet your eyes with a confidence you’ve never seen from any man. He’s just looking at you and you can feel a build in your core like back in the office. It only makes you turn red. 

You barely have time to register his hungry gaze before his lips meet yours again, this time with a hint of tenderness. You’d bet top dollar you were as red as a fire truck. 

A rouge hand was slipping under the fabric of your shirt. The action hitched it up, the naked skin of your back making contact with the cool metal door behind you had you arching into Adrian. The chain of events had him moaning, a sound you felt you couldn’t get enough of. The friction of his leather gloves became absent for a moment that felt too much like forever but your suffering paid off when bare hands took their place. Rough to some, his touch felt like silk to you. 

Adrian had no patience to even attempt unclasping your bra. Rather he slipped his thumb underneath the painful wire and pushed swiftly up. Your breasts were barely exposed to the air when he took a nipple into his mouth, tongue hot and wet and incredibly overwhelming. The strangled and startled moan you released in response had him reeling back almost as fast as the Flash himself.

“Fuck, sorry - sorry, I should have asked first.” You could tell Adrian was trying his damndest to at least attempt to look you in the face, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off your breasts, both nipples now pebbled from the exposure. 

“No-” you started. Christ, you sounded as if you’d just run a marathon, desperate for water. Thirst too strong for anything else to be your main focus. “No, Adrian- please, you can- you can do whatever.” 

Oh, the expression on his face. He was going to destroy you. 

Lips drag along the valley of your breasts and fingertips trail behind until his palm was centre with your nipple like an arrow to a bullseye. And his grip, Christ the man could squeeze.

The sound you made in response was downright embarrassing. You brought your hands to your face, shaking your head. 

Smooth move, nimrod!

It didn’t seem to phase. Hell, if anything your noises were riling him up. 

Large, wandering hands slowly creep their way south.

You begin to strip your blouse and bra, properly despite the unsteady hands. As you undo each button, teeth graze into the flesh of the start of your hips. He’s tugging desperately at the sides of your bottoms.  

Adrian Chase has seemingly forgotten the invention of buttons and zippers. Trembling fingertips reach down to assist and in seconds goose pimples prickle the skin of your legs. All of your garments had now pooled around your legs. Quick fingers had sunk into the band of your cotton panties taking them down in a quick pull. 

What happened next, however brief was definitely going to be something you’d replay over and over; he takes your foot, carefully caressing as if he's about to place the glass slipper on in reverse as he helps you free yourself completely, allowing for your legs to spread as wide as either of you wanted. 

“Please” He breathes your name, face so close threatening to plunge in. 

“I meant what I said, Adrian. Whatever you- oh God!” 

Adrian pulled away and you whined like a spoiled brat not getting their way at check out. It echoed through the entryway. 

“Sorry, fuck I just -” He spread you open like he’s inspecting, potentially even committing to memory. “You just have such a pretty fucking pussy” His voice is deep, dark, husky, and hot. Too fucking hot.

He doesn't even offer you a chance to respond before he dives in again. Tongue slowly starting from bottom to top, always taking a precious few extra seconds at your clit. A repetitive pattern, a technique perfected. Maybe you were a bit biased, considering the donor but you’d never felt so aroused in your life. 

“Oh, fuck. M’so close . . .” you trail off, as a thick finger (or fingers; you honestly can’t tell at this point) enter you. You feel full and can only imagine how he will feel once he’s fully truly inside you. You didn't believe Chris for shit - thimble my ass. Something in the way Adrian carried himself, especially in the Vigilante suit, gave you “Big Dick Energy” vibes. 

Adrian Chase, apparently Olympian of Pussy Eating, seems to be aiming for gold as lips suction themselves to your clitoris. At this moment, time moves slowly and words come out that even a scholar wouldn’t be able to comprehend. 

A couple things come to mind as you reach your peak. 

Should I be taking what he says at face value? How the fuck did Chris take that photo and send it in the first place? 

Regardless, you thought, I’m grateful.

Fingers dig into his curls as you grind yourself on his pretty fucking face. Adrian doesn’t seem to mind. Rather, he is encouraging the behaviour as he palms your ass and pulls you closer. 

You cry out, your body reacting to the overstimulation before you can form words like “too much” but it doesn’t stop him. In the field, Adrian is ruthless and relentless. You should have expected that would carry over in the sheets. 

With the strength you can muster, you pull him away by the hair harshly. Eyes that should be green look black staring back at you, pupils dilated like silver dollars. His mouth and chin gleam with your slick. Adrian makes no attempt to wipe your essence away. His toned chest heaves. 

You want to leave marks on his throat. Leave a trail of kisses from his collarbone to the “V” of his torso. You desperately want to articulate every single detail of feeling you’re experiencing to him so he knows, knows how good he is. But your legs are jello and your mind is fuzzy and all you can do at this point is try and catch your breath.

You finally find the courage to look down and meet his gaze. Adrian looks up to you like you’re some famous painting from the Louvre. 

He stands up and steadies you. Kevlar rough against your naked skin, you can’t help but notice how unfair the situation is. Legs wrap around him instinctively as he picks you up. Nustling into his neck as he showed off his strength, he says “Let’s get to the bedroom.” Adrian double checks the lock and takes a few steps forward before freezing. 

“Where is the bedroom?”

“Third door on the left.” You kiss into his neck, dead set on finding his sweet spot. 

The surprise of being thrown on the bed is made known to the whole neighbourhood when you let out a horrifying shriek into the comfy mattress, pillows, and blankets below. Comfort and plush was very important to you. You sit up abruptly as Adrian begins to strip. You can’t help but appreciate his physique and take in his figure. Toned and tight you resisted the urge to lick him from top to bottom. 

He brings you back down to earth when he asks for a condom.

This was really happening. 

“Bedside drawer.”

Adrian slides the latex onto his length, pumping himself twice. His dark eyes look to you for consent. You lay back down and spread your legs. He climbs on top of you slowly, a position the two of you had been in before, but not like this. It was playful sparring and he had swept you off your feet, quite literally, with a powerful kick. You fell back on the mat hard and straight on your ass. Adrian pounced on you before you even had time to register the action. Faces only inches apart, your face flushed and you tapped out. 

Oh, the number of times you touched yourself to that moment alone. 

This time was different because this time was real. And you were both naked. 

“You good?” He asks, snapping you out of your way back machine. 

“Yeah, just … fuck I’ve thought about this for a while.” You reach down to stroke him and gauge if he’ll even fit. He releases an inhuman moan, starved for more. 

“Same . . .”

He gingerly slides his cock against your dripping folds trying to hold himself back. Tease you. Convince himself he’s not drunk off the site of you and still in control. 

When he enters you it’s a white-hot sensation. It’s the stretch and depth combination that has you crying out and arching your back again, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him closer. His forehead presses against yours and the sounds he lets out? It’s fucking music to your ears. He slides a hand down to press his thumb against your clitoris, urging you to chase another high. 

“Fuck, I knew you’d be tight.” Adrian admits he’s been thinking of you and you can’t help but clench. He groans like you’re killing him slowly. 

“I . . . I knew you weren’t a Thimble.”

He grips your hips tight and grinds into you with the pressure of an ACME anvil falling onto you almost involuntarily. You want to feed his ego until you breathe your last breath. Such a simp. 

“Sh-shut up don’t say that.” He pants. “You’ll make me cum.”

“Okay, s-sorry.”

The pace he thrusts is relentlessly slow and cautious. You want it rough eventually, you do, but you want to savor this tender moment. Your gut tells you it’s rare.

It’s only a few more circles on your clit before the coil inside snaps again with the force of a thousand suns. Adrian’s response to your orgasm has you convinced it brought him more pleasure than you. He picks up his pace and buries his face in your neck. You want him to stay there so you play with the curls at the nape of his neck and that REALLY gets him going. 

You can tell Adrian is not far behind you from the grunting. 

He shudders out a “fuck” and stills. 

He remains inside when he releases himself into the condom and collapses on top of you. He was now your favourite type of weighted blanket. 

“Fuck, that was good.” He slurs sleepily and lazily rolls you over so you rested on his chest, his member remaining sheathed inside. The best sword in the fucking stone. 

You hum in agreement and snuggle into him, drifting softly asleep.

~

It’s not the early morning that wakes you. And it’s not the hunk of a man underneath you either. 

It’s the cries of an Eagle mere inches from your face and flapping its wings. 

You cry out and fall off the bed, taking the sheets with you and leaving poor Vigilante buck naked. Wrapping yourself up trying to save your decency, you curse Chris with a vengeful scream. 

You hear footsteps pounding, followed by softer ones. You smiled to yourself briefly, happy that everyone showed up even if they didn’t tell you before hand. You were short on snacks now. 

Eagly hops over to you and nuzzles at your feet like some sort of apology. 

Chris appears in your doorframe seconds later and you squeak. “The ‘fuck you, Chris’ was not an invitation to come into my fucking room!” You spit through clenched teeth. 

You hadn’t realized Adrian stepped off the bed to greet Peacemaker, bare as the day he was born. 

“Hey, dude.”

You jump up and clench the sheets to your chest, push Chris out and slam the door. You close your eyes and take a deep breath in and out, a bit too quickly, and turn to the man in front of you. 

“That was fun … but it looks like your party is starting, or I guess started.” Your sentence drifts off. You want to ask what this is if it’s anything at all. 

You open your eyes slowly to see Adrian - still incredibly naked but staring at you intently. He looks like he’s waiting for you to ask so he doesn’t have to. 

“So what-“

“Next time I-“

When you register his words you fling yourself at him, lips locking in a quick peck, then smooches all over his damn cute face. 

“Let’s enjoy your party. And when everyone leaves-“

“It’ll be next time.”

Your heart skips a beat and you feel that flutter. 

When you both make the walk of shame down to your friends, they all smile a knowing grin. 

You clear your throat to break the ice. “Thanks for coming guys.”

“We only came because you left your car at the office. We thought you got kidnapped or something.” Harcourt admitted. “Though . . . I’m not opposed to a beer.”

[thedemigodoracle]

Please read:

Ok, so as I jokingly said before “I’m back.” - I’m not joking, I am back.

Not entirely yet but here are some things to wait for in the near future.

Before I list it I need to browse fast through the real life stuff first so bear with:

- one of the reasons I did go missing from art and fandoms in general wasn’t just the ammount of books but also family situations, depression, relationships and in the last few years I lost grandma, grandpa and even my mother to a disease they don’t have it diagnosed yet because it was so rare.

Obvsly took a major hit to my mental health and the ability to write and just have energy kinda left me. I’m handling it I’m in therapy. This is all we need to talk about it.

- it’s been over ten years since some of your fave fics have been updated and while both Clichesbullet on ff.net and thatu on DA will be there and won’t be deleted HERE are what’s to expect:

1. My endgame here is reading the books back and forth again, as well as other source

Material for other fandoms I will

Be publishing for.

-updating the old fan mixes and uploading it to Spotify so it’s more accessible and going back (when possible to art).

- I will use AO3 some new aesthetics and user name (though probably just thatu) and edit a lot more to fit what I believe is better not because the world changed in general but because so

Did I.

Some of the racism and homophobia will still be there are these are the characters having flaws whose arcs weren’t complete but lots of it will also be changed because I’m 34 now I also the world is changed and some stuff just wouldn’t fly and I kinda hate it (but the old material is still there available on the old

Accounts).

- I’m not sure technology will be adapted but some references will here and there and I can clearly deliver something better now that I’ve taught English for over half of my life and am taking a masters degree on translation studies.

- real life will get me too busy sometimes so please I hope you’re excited but I know lots

Of you also have jobs or even families. So leave reviews and keep

Me company but also understand I was bad at updating before even with better time

Management this is will be a ride.

- I’m doing this to prove myself I can do and make good things.

- This site as well as the thatu blog will be updated.

- if you were a follower and have deleted your tumblr or changed usernames please leave a reply with who we were because I’ve had an eventful few years. I remember most of you, but I may need a nudge.

- both my writing and art style have developed and so did my world views - stuff will look different but hopefully still bring you comfort. And laughter.

And tears…?

- there will be some one shots posted focusing on stuff like grown up characters and new knowledge

We now have though the characterization will still follow the book ones as that’s how I kinda got used to it.

- I’m back but I’ll be getting back slowly and posting updates here. Tell ur friends who haven’t been here in a while but used to be part of our group of

Weirdos.

- I missed being a fandom person and hopefully now I can find solace in you guys back again.

- some new fandoms will pop up, as will

Some

Ships (see what I did there? Find solace? Will some ships? Hehe).

-Some extra texts will be added to whatever adaptations I make especially regarding transphobia and HP though I do intend to finish my Hannah/Neville story.

- maybe I’ll write original

Stuff too who knows?

Also, I missed you, spread the word. There’s a brand new old me in town. New ships, new views, new one shots, edits, a very different music taste (actually no I just added more stuff) and a lot of improved knowledge of vocabs and world geography.

Please spread this to whoever you think might be interested. It’s not popularity or anything, I’m trying to get back some pieces of me I lost along the way and writing and drawing used to be FUN and help me make FRIENDS.

I’ll keep u posted once everything is at least remotely ready to go.

And omg you’ll finally know what Silena had on clarisse.

Oh and I’m still not for writing smut but there will be more Adult/Mature like material as some ships require it and I am older. No minors having descriptive s*x

Of course but u know it’d feel weird to talk about these huge ass long relationships and not bring it up naturally.

Anyway, reply to this with whatever. Leave a like or something too but mostly leave a reply so we can start this journey together -

New younger fans are also welcome I’ll make my best to keep this space as safe as possible!! I teach kids and teens and I’d kill for u to have a place to be you safely.

Also there will now be additions on author notes for whether a ship is canon or fanon what I adapted and new fandoms new ships and trigger warnings before sensitive chapters that deal with stuff that before I wouldn’t.

Love, I’ve missed this,

thatu.

[fanfiction4sooya]

hello mother, I just wanted to come vent here cause I have no one else to listen to me,I’ll get it if you don’t respond to this because some people may not want to talk about these stuff on their blogs.

but,I just wanna say,I’ve been under the weather these few past months for some reason. I don’t know if it’s exhaustion,from moving to a new place,or being pressured to learn the countries language,since they do not want to speak English anywhere I go. I’ve been down mentally and physically,noticing that I started being even more sad and agitated,to my stomach hurting again and to craving ice again. As for the mental side,I have had those thought,I do still and it makes me cry. It makes me cry,that my friends and cousin,don’t talk to me like before,that they view me differently now for some reason. I’m trying to stay stable,but I’ll see how I’m gonna be this week rn

and again,I get it if u don’t respond,I don’t wanna make u angry in any way nor do I intend to

cw: depression, su!cidal thoughts, anxiety.

Hi honey! Don't worry, you are not bothering me at all and I sure wanna talk about it here.

I am sorry you are going through all that. Moving to a new place it's something scary on it's own, specially a place where communication might seem difficult.

The stomach ache might be anxiety, love. It can manifest in our bodies in different ways and as you said, the new place and learning new things, the cultural shock, it might be a lot of pressure and stress. Maybe try some herbal tea and no coffee for a while, how does that sound?

You know, when we are depressed or having a depressive episode we have the tendency to see things in a different light, such as our relationships and the way people treat us. Maybe ask your friends and cousin if there's anything wrong or if you are acting different for them (sometimes we dont even notice ourselves being different). Maybe it's just lack of communication.

And as for those thoughts, again, I am sorry. I can't speak much on the matter because sometimes one wrong advice can make you spiral into something even worse. What I can say is: ask for help. I know it's hard and scary but you need to see a psychiatrist or a therapyst asap.

Depression is like a tree. The longer you take to cut it's root, the bigger it gets and the harder it is to get it out of the ground; so please, as soon as you possibly can, look for professional help. Why am I saying professional help? I have a lot of good intentions, but the help you need it's not in me or in anyone else. Professionals know how to deal with your matters and know how to help you get out of those episodes better than I ever will.

Be safe and I hope you feel better very very soon. 💖(sending lot of love, hugs and kisses your way!!)

[twinkskeletons]

Hello!

I don’t think we’ve ever personally interacted before (I’ll probably send this as anon), but I follow you, and I’ve been seeing some of your recent posts on my dash!

Not sure how appropriate this actually is, since we’re complete strangers, but, like I said, I’ve been seeing some of your posts that mention, y’know, suicidal ideation & thoughts of/references to self-harm. (Pls keep reading: I’m not like, yelling at you or anything 😭)

I don’t know how you feel right now, nor do I know if this alone will help you feel any better, but you’re not alone (which, I know, from experience, can sound like bullshit or like it doesn’t matter), but really what that means is that other people have felt the way you do, and they’ve lived (that doesn’t mean they’re better than you, it means there’s hope for things to get so much better for you). I’m not gonna pretend you don’t know that suicide is an ending, not a solution, because I figure you know that. I have no idea what’s going on in your life, and it probably doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger on the Internet, but every human life has an intrinsic value, yours included. You matter, deeply. Even if you don’t feel that way (again, I don’t know how you feel, and, since we’re strangers, I’m doing some guesswork based off of personal experience here, sorry!!)

However you’re feeling right now (even if you’ve felt it for a while), I’ll say what everybody says (because despite it all, it is true): life will get better. It can feel like you’re spiraling out of control, or like everything is off balance, or like you’re completely alone and battling everything by yourself, but it won’t always be like that. People care about other people. It’s how shit works. With that, people do care about you. And they should! Which means that people can be there for you when you’re suffering, if you’re able to clue them in as to how you’re doing.

I don’t mean to offend you, or cause you any further harm, but, if you’re able to, I sincerely recommend reaching out to a friend or somebody you trust or love or care about regarding how you’re doing. I know it’s terrifying to do that for so many reasons, and I don’t have all the answers as to how to make that any less terrifying, but I will say this: If I were to find out somebody I loved and cared about (or even just kinda knew) was dealing with something along the lines of thoughts of or patterns of self harm or suicidal ideation, I’d want to know, if only because I wouldn’t want them to suffer in silence, or feel like they were alone.

If you already have talked to somebody and it hasn’t gone over well - sometimes that happens. But (excuse this example, hopefully you’ll appreciate it rather than hate it) Thomas the tank engine didn��t get up that hill by giving it just one go (I have no clue if that was a good analogy for this…)

I just mean, like, idk. I’ve been in what i imagine to be your place before (the whole nine yards), and I’ve had friends who’ve both been suicidal, had suicidal ideation, and actually passed away by way of suicide, and it’s devastating no matter what. Because they matter to me so much. And you matter. A lot. So please try to ask for help. A support system, no matter how small, can go a long way.

The cherry on top for me is that you run a really cool blog, and I’d love for you to keep kicking around. You seem like a pretty awesome stranger to me.

Keep yourself safe! Long live the car crash hearts, and all that (idk if that was cringey, but hopefully you appreciate it)!

wow thank u.. this is the closest i’ve felt to being cared about in a long time.. i do wish i had someone to talk to my dad says i can tell him anything and he loves me but it always feels hollow because i know it isn’t really true and if i told him the reason i’ve been depressed for close to a decade he’d go straight to my mother and they will both do everything in their power to kill me faster.. my closest human relationship is probably with the counsellor i saw once and due to the waiting list i cant see him again til next year.. i don’t have friends irl or online no one really enjoys talking to me which i get i’m not good at it + this is so lame sorry. thanks for this it’s really appreciated <3

[leadendeath]

it was only after i learned that 1. i am not alone in experiencing this feeling and 2. this can be an adhd thing, that i felt so validated in the feeling of “juggling hyperfixations”. it feels like this meme image ^ like that’s such a perfect visual to go along with what i’m about to say.

in the past i felt sooo bad when a new interest barged its way in to my brain’s Interest Room (i see my brain as a room ok, different people who are my selves and different interests come in and out!). i felt bad for classic rock of 60s-70s when homestuck decided to sit right in front of me like a pet who’s being annoying circa 2013. i feel a special hard-to-describe almost kind of STRESS? (but a very minor stress mind you) when i find myself present day, with not just two but THREE things i’m so freakin into. very strong interests. hyperfixations. i love having words now that my past self couldn’t use because we didn’t know the words existed. we didn’t know there was something “wrong”(i prefer to say there was something “different” instead 2 b less negative !)

so yeah the things i’m trying to juggle are:

doom the game and various genres of metal music (they go hand in hand, and sometimes they even collide! i have a whole youtube playlist of metal midis that would fit right in in doom wads, u can ask me for it if you like the same niche as i do!) (i listened to so much metal today it’s so great and diverse i love it so much great background music but also great Anything music <333 listen to it in a good mood or in a bad mood it’s there for you any time)

spenge bab. to relate this back to the previous point i just made above this one; i already said i’m one of those people who listens to horrible abrasive music but then is also simultaneously like “yayyy happy sea creature cartoon :D :3” like it’s so funny. u already know to the extent which i like this thing. it’s helped me get back into art (…which i don’t post to this blog; i have other spaces for this niche tbh) and when i first got into it it was there for me during a terrible time (i was having the extra big depression last year around july/august)

jerm. dear rat boy. like the point before this one, i started watching him a lot during the same extremely bad july/august 2023 time. i knew him a little before but he was another thing which i’ve (about to make up a new phrase here) special interest-bonded with, during a difficult time. sometimes when i’m actively in the bad episode, i think to myself “gee when i’m better i sure hope i can enjoy this media and not automatically associate it with a bad time D:” and YEAH! THAT DIDNT HAPPEN I CAN STILL ENJOY WATCHING HIM EVEN THO IM OUTTA THE DEPRESSION PIT FOR NOW!!! i worried this same thing about death grips when i was coping with them when i was in the pit and they happened to be my #1 fav band years ago . i still love them and can enjoy them without thinking of all the times i was in the pit !!!

so ya as you can see THESE ARE ALL VASTLY DIFFERENT AND I AM HAVING A BIT OF TROUBLE LOVING ALL THREE AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE MY ATTENTION SPAN IS A LIL FUCKY BUT IT’S OKAY! I AM NO LONGER DOING THE POINTLESS SELF-PUNISHING FOR ENJOYING ONESELF IN LIFE BECAUSE THAT WAS THE OCD TALKING AND IS NOW UNDER CONTROL! THANKS FOR READING I AM FULL OF UNBRIDLED LOVE FOR EVERYTHING

[rosenallies]

Rosé is always so caring to everyone! How about a phone sex prompt where she is slowly overextending herself (taking care of Nali, her siblings, overdoing it at work..), and it finally hits her all at once. Maybe she passes out and scares everyone around her, causing them to pause on how much she's doing for everyone? (Might sound a bit depressing, but i'm honestly feeling so down so slight angst feels the way to go)

I’m so here for phone sex au lately prob bc im also so incredibly depressed but <3 yes<3 ty for this I hope u feel better <3 also sorry if there’s typos I’m very very sleepy tired rn but I wanted to write a bit before bed so I can have something to think about before I fall asleep besides my own issues <3

——

“Yeah, yep, Jan, I’ve got it,” Rosé huffed, head swimming as she tried to focus on her sister’s words over the phone and the grocery list she hadn’t bothered to actually write down before coming into the store.

“I just wanna make sure you’ve got all the details down now so when Christmas comes it’s not stressful.”

If Rosé’s vision hadn’t been flickering in and out she might’ve rolled her eyes, but as Jan droned on and on about what to get the kids for Christmas and exactly how Rosé should cook the turkey and how Lagoona wanted her to bake those cookies everyone likes, Rosé’s brain came in and out of focus like a wonky TV station.

“Rosie, are you okay?” Her sister suddenly asked, pausing her rambling.

“Yeah, ‘m fine,” she muttered, squeezing her eyes shut, “I’m just trying to find Denali those protein bars she’ll eat and-“

“Rosé, you’re scaring me, can you go sit down? Tell Denali to come get you, you don’t sound right.”

“Jan, I’m fine,” she insisted, yet she felt anything but, a sudden tightness in her chest making her gasp and fall to her knees in the middle of the grocery store.

••

“Rosie? Oh god, Rosie,” Rosé heard a muffled voice beside her as she blinked awake, a constant beeping burrowing it’s way into her brain and making her head ache.

She kept blinking, the room suddenly coming into focus, Denali tear stricken face the first thing she saw.

“Nali, baby,” she croaked as gently as her sore throat would allow, reaching for the younger girl, “what’s the matter? I’m here now-“

Denali shook her head, holding onto Rosé’s hand tightly. “You shouldn’t be worried about me right now, you should be worried about you, don’t you know why you’re in the hospital?”

Truth be told, Rosé had just now come to the realization that the unfamiliar room where she was, was indeed a hospital room and it was her connected to a drip, the constant beeping signaling her own vital signs. “I-what happened?”

“You passed out while shopping, Rosie,” Denali sniffled, taking her hand and resting it against her warm cheek, “I was so fucking scared when the hospital called me.”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Rosé replied shamefully.

“No, you don’t need to be sorry, I need you to relax. The doctors said it was just a panic attack but that it could start to cause stress on your heart if you continue to be anxious like this.”

“Panic attack?”

The words felt wrong in Rosé’s mouth, she’d had many panic attacks before and none of them ever left her unconscious on the floor of a grocery store. She supposed it had been building, her body finally protesting.

Denali squeezed her hand. “Maybe you should try going back to therapy? I’ll help you find a good one just like you helped me.”

Rosé felt shame and disgust in herself, weak for needing help when she was supposed to be taking care of those around her, that’s who she was, that’s who she’d always been.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Denali said softly, reaching forward and brushing a sweaty strand of hair from her face, “but it’s okay to ask for help. Let me take care of you for once. You trust me, don’t you?”

“I-I do, but Nali-“

“No buts,” Denali insisted, “when they called they said they’d thought you’d had a stress induced cardiac event and even though that wasn’t the case, it’s not too far off. I love you too much to let you suffer.”

Previously unshed tears began to fall from Rosé’s eyes, a gentle stream down her cheeks. “I-I’m s-sorry, I-I l-love you too,” she cried, reaching for Denali who crawled in bed beside her, rules be damned. She gently guided Rosé’s head to her chest just like Rosé had done for her so many times before.

“Shhh, shh,” Denali soothed, “I’ve got you.”

Denali soothed her until she fell back asleep, so clearly exhausted. She was dead to the world when Denali snuck out of the bed to talk to Rosé’s sisters on the phone.

“How is she?” Jan demanded to know the second she picked up.

“She’s okay,” Denali sighed, “we’ve got to give her a break, though. It was just a panic attack but that’s just this time, next time it could be her heart.”

“Take good care of her, okay? Tell her Goona and I will figure out Christmas, we don’t want her lifting a finger.”

“Me neither,” Denali agreed before hanging up, having the same conversation with Lagoona and heading back into the room.

“You left me,” Rosé said softly when she came back in.

“I was talking to your sisters,” she explained, getting back into the bed beside her, “we all agree that you’re not allowed to do anything for the time being.”

As much as not being needed scared her, Rosé couldn’t help but smile to herself. “Thank you, Nali.”

Denali tried to fight her smile, but she was so glad Rosé wasn’t putting up a fight about this so she kissed her temple and snuggled close. “You don’t need to thank me, I promise. I’m just doing what I need to do because I love you, that’s how love works. You take care of me, I take care of you.”