#im so sick of being alive and in pain all the time and being depressed

[lychee-milk]

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[tittysuckersworld]

vent tw, if you have depression please please just dont interact-

[nozoroomie]

I'm exhausted. Everyone here is exhausted. I always hated the holiday season for personal reasons but I can't believe I hate it even more now. The Christmas music everywhere is just gunna be this painful reminder for me that my girlfriend died right smack at the beginning of the holiday season for the next I don't know how many years.

nothing is comforting. I try to do things out of normalcy, but I don't want to do anything. I force myself to fucking eat cause food doesn't taste good anymore and -shocker- I have no appetite.

My top surgery had to be postponed to who knows when, I spent half of November sick with the flu first and then shortly after covid, my girlfriend fucking DIED and my sisters keep asking me what I fucking want for fucking CHRISTMAS when all I can think about is how I;m gunna get through the next fucking day.

I want my tits gone and my girlfriend to be alive and to never celebrate this god forsaken capitalistic hell holiday for the rest of my fucking life. FUCK CHRISTMAS. Get that Holiday spirit shit out of my face. Like oh!! be kind to people this time of year and show your compassion and love to one another!

MAYBE DO THAT ALL YEAR FFS.

Yes, it's likely I'm speaking out of grief and YES I'm aware my opinions can change with time and healing and blah blah fucking blah but I'm so god damn tired of being so fucking tired and depressed and this world is hell and everything fucking sucks.

Thanks for reading if you did, sorry if it upsets you or not. idk. Idek why im apologizing for having an opinion but whatever. felt like I had to since it feels like a fucking crime to hate christmas or something.

[dnalkaline]

ugh nobody actually has to read this i just feel like i need to type all my thoughts out somewhere or i'll explode.

I know like 9-12k$ isn't like impossible to get but it feels so daunting and i know barely anyone will reblog or donate to my GFM if i made one (as always happens for my medical shit. even for my pets) so idk what the fuck do even do about this. I'm trying not to be cynical about it but that's just been the running theme since. literally my entire life. i don't even know why i bother anymore

Honestly i have no hope for my future if that shit grows back and leaves me in the same amount of pain as someone going through labor multiple times a year AGAIN i think i will actually kill myself for real. im sick of this shit.

like this isn't even a dysphoria thing it's something that could ACTUALLY kill me through blood clots and nobody in my life IRL even fucking cares. My mom has enough money to just pay for a hysterectomy out of pocket for me without it being a huge deal to her and she just fucking won't and just keeps telling me to harass my insurance about it despite this being months of back-and-forth and i can already feel my endo symptoms growing back.

My insurance flat-out told me they'll only approve it if it keeps growing back and i have to go through surgery to remove it multiple times. This isn't even counting the fact I also have CYSTS that need to be removed because they're also causing pain and my insurance just... won't fucking approve it

The symptoms are already coming back after my most recent surgery and I'm still having periods despite the fact I'm POST-MENOPAUSE.

I don't understand why people keep preventing me from committing suicide just to not actually help me with the reasons why I keep trying to kill myself. it feels cruel. People say to reach out or whatever and then go radio silent. it feels so performative. I don't even mean that i expect my friends to give me money because i know everyone has problems but it feels like i keep being ignored and people make a point to not even reblog my help posts. It's always like the same 3 people getting in touch.

at this rate i hope i die. everyone keeps telling me it'll get better and i just have to go on but my entire life is me getting out of the frying pan and into the fire. Therapy hasn't been helping anymore because all the depression isn't like trauma shit it's just the poverty and the fact life keeps actively trying to get me killed by any means necessary all the time. I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of being the sick friend that's treated like the elephant in the room just because i can't fucking do anything and every inch of my life is just another walking trigger warning to people. I've become self conscious about needing to walk with mobility aids now because I feel like it's just another reminder of my fragility and inevitable demise to people.

I just don't fucking get it. i metaphorically break my back all the time to help other people with their shit but i barely get anything in return (except from the same few ppl i mentioned earlier and i am very grateful you guys are real friends). like. am i doing something wrong. am i just an unlikable person. i know people think i'm scary which i try to offset by being nice but i don't know if it's working.

I'm only alive right now because all of the fucking demon pacts and other spirit work i do causing me to avoid stuff and get more opportunities and I feel stupid about it because that's not even stuff that most people believe in and can't even be proven to be real.

i dont even know where im going with this im tired and i want to give up. fuck life. i actively despise life most of the time. I guess I just have to keep clinging to my blorbos i dont fucking know. whatveer.

[angeldiaries777]

extreme trigger warning for everything. please don't read if you know it could potentially upset you. !! also very personal. so if you don't want to know then also u might want to skip this post. i understand if i lose followers because of this rant but ive always shared my struggles on here so i thought i might share what ive been through to vent and release my own anxiety and maybe help someone else.again read at your own discretion and ofc this isn't even a fraction of everything just a very very very very tiny snippet. this is also a draft from two days ago.

recovering from my ed slowly but those thoughts never go away. i practically quit school for ed blogs and twitter. chasing results is a never ending journey. if you get bad enough they will never end until you die. i'm not talking like skipped lunch once. no i legit had to recover myself just to stay alive while dealing with a million other mental illnesses and life issues. everything alone. it used to make me so beyond sad for myself i was stuck in a loop of self pity and now i don't feel anything anymoreso i am trying to use my numbness for good. know that if you feel not alone per say. but like if you don't fix your issues yourself or help yourself out of actual living hell that it will only continue to get worse. but also know that whatever it is you have to feel it till you get so bored of your own shit. im always annoyed and upset with people cuz i am sensetivie and very mentally ill but we know u cannot control a single thing outside of yourself. let yourself feel the affects. i myself had to literally lose parts of my vision to want to recover from everything and had to see what 3 years of pure isolation and self destruction/abuse did to my face and body and it was terrifying. 15 years of just pure self hatred and dealing with crippling anxiety/depression and inferiorty complex took such a toll on me. i feel physically sick everyday. i would not only not take care of myself i would harm myself mentally, emotionally, physically even repress and shame myself sexually. i was a mess. im at a point where i don't remember much of it in detail despite it being a few months again. with my last attempt being barely a month ago. you have to see it through. human survival instinct will try to keep you alive more than anything. ive always known ive had imense potential cuz its been drilled into my brain since i was a child so my ego was keeping me alive. also for the fact that at my lowest low i had also stopped believeing in god and i didnt know what would happen after death. death scared me. of course it didnt scare me enough to not try. one night i was laying on my living room i think this was a little bit before december of 2022 it was night time and i had turned the lights off i was home by myself and i just lined up every tool i had used for cvtting/sh in general and then some kitchen knifes and i fucked up my arm, thighs everywhere. i was crying so hard during it i could feel it in my head and heart and at that point i had already been through a lot. i just everything in me was telling me that life will never be worth it and neither will people. before i could shove a knife in my throat my mom entered the house and took all the knifes and razor blades etc away from me.

she just kind of looked at me like she knew i would do this but i didnt care. all the intensitity i felt. i knew it was too much. i knew i was my own worst enemy. i knew i was taking things too personal and i knew that the worlds problems were not mine yet still i had nothing to live for. once you get past a certain point. the pain just becomes permentant everything in the world becomes dim and all you have is yourself...

i will type more later but i just needed to vent.

[thisdogpaystaxes]

i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

[ironmanstan]

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[emotual]

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[gale-gentlepenguin]

Counterpart to this

(Chat noir's side)

Shadowmoth had entered here!

Chat noir was sure of it.

Ladybug had told chat noir to sit tight while she and Rena Rouge went to get help. Sentimonsters were running rampant and the trio agreed that it was too much for them alone.

But how could he when Shadowmoth was right there! This could be the only chance they had of tracking him down!

The Cats night vision helped him naviagate the dark underground of the city. It didn't take long for the cat hero to realize he was in the catacombs.

"Spooky. Oddly fitting for Shadowmoth."

He pulls out his communicator to contact Ladybug... but no signal.

"I can't connect, strange... Ill jump out and call..." Chat noir's sentence was stopped as he collided with a wall.

"What the... I could have sworn that there was a door way behind me." The cat commented.

He decided to start walking. Perhaps finding the villain would make finding the way out easier.

Chat noir began making his way through the catacombs. The place emitted a feeling of ominous dread. He never did like this place.

The tight dark spaces, the creepy feeling of being watched, and the nasty smell. Of course Shadowmoth would feel right at home.

Chat noir found himself hitting a dead end.

"Jeez this place is like a maze."

His nail to scratch an X on the wall.

"Thats one dead end."

The Cat hero made it a habit of doing that whenever he ran into a dead end.

As he encountered more and more dead ends her felt his calm start to shake.

"Is this place getting smaller?" He said in a joking manner to himself, but clearly was more panicked than he was trying to let on.

He started moving a bit faster, trying to find an exit, but every path seemed to take him to an X.

"No way, I know I haven't been down this way before..." Chat noir spoke in disbelief.

He was starting to get frustrated. Surely Ladybug noticed he was gone.

"Calm down Chat noir, Ladybug likely noticed you're missing and will be here to help."

"Hey where's chat noir?" a voice calls out. A familiar voice.

Chat noir focused on the sound, it was Rena rouge! He rushed to find the location of the sound.

"Rena! I am so glad to..."

Chat noir found himself looking at a wall, but something was different. Instead of a blank wall, it was projecting something. Chat noir could see Rena Rouge and Ladybug as clear as day. He could hear them.

"Where is that cat, I told him to wait here." Ladybug stated with a bit of annoyance.

"Should we go look for him?" Rena Rouge inquired.

"Look at the city! we don't have time to search. Im sure he will catch up." Ladybug insisted.

"Right!"

The two fist bump and run off as they head into battle.

Chat noir took that as a sign that he needed to find a way out. But as he turned, he noticed the way he came was gone. There was no door. He was just stuck in the room, with the broadcast. Chat noir finally realized it, this place was alive!

"So its a sentimonster's doing! Lets see how you like it when I destroy..."

Suddenly a pair of eyes show up on the wall. Then another pair.

The cat realized, the sentimonster WANTED him to use his power. It would cause the place to go haywire and he would be put on a time limit. He could be exposed if he tried it. What should he do?

Chat noir looked around the small room and noticed the broadcast was continuing. He took a deep disappointed sigh. All he could really do was watch. If things get really desperate for Ladybug, he will cataclysm the sentimonster and rush to her, consequences or not.

So Chat noir sat down and continued watching the broadcast.

He heard every quip, every word. He saw how Ladybug got down on herself when the guardian's Su Han had called got controlled.

He saw the reveal of Rena Rouge being Alya as she had to fight her akumatized family. That was a shock! And he could see the emotion of the whole situation.

He even saw Ladybug hit her lowest point which seemed to happen whenever Shadowmoth did something extra nefarious.

Chat noir tried calling out to her, trying to cheer her on, but he wasn't needed. Rena Rouge took over. She told Ladybug the encouraging words in his place.

"Even if its just the two of us, we can fight the whole world." Rena Rouge stated confidently. "Trust me."

Ladybug smiled as she met the fox's fist with her own.

"There's no one I can trust more!'

Chat noir felt his heart shatter. Was this real? Was this really happening? Was this just an illusion made by the sentimonster that trapped him? Regardless it was torture.

But he couldn't stop watching. He saw how Ladybug and the other heroes turned it all around. Scarlet shadow moth was shocked. He was in awe of ladybug and the other heroes. He was giving the cliché villain speech of how it wasn't possible, and then at the moment the Rena Rouge snagged his staff, the broadcast ended.

"I wasn't needed..."

He hugged his knees.

"Was I holding her back? Rena Rouge didn't need to sacrifice herself. She did everything I would have done but better..." Chat noir whispered as he felt his heart sink.

Was she just humoring me by keeping me around? Was I there just to be comic relief? Does she even trust me? Did she notice he was gone the whole time? Would she even care if he left?

These thoughts flooded the depressed cats mind.

Was she my partner only out of obligation?

That last thought made him stand up.

"CATACLYSM!" He roared as he hit the wall infront of him.

He heard the wailing of the creature that made up the maze. He saw the walls shifting like crazy! Some expanding and other's tightening. He needed to get out of there!

He still felt those negative feelings and it clouded his mind as he failed to dodge one of the moving walls, snapped on his leg like a mouse trap.

"No!"

Chat noir felt his despair grow as he noticed more walls moving and pulling him down. He was doomed.

"No wonder Ladybug wants to replace me." He said as a tear streamed down his face.

Thats when the cat noticed a black butterfly move towards him.

"No!" Chat noir tried to struggle but he couldn't get away as the akuma flew into his bell.

Chat noir screamed as the akuma tried to get into his head, but he can hear the sweet calls. It can give him the power to escape, he can have the power to show Ladybug he isn't replaceable.

He can show them all.

Chat noir did his best to resist. But all of the emotions he had been trying to suppress had burst to the surface, he couldn't resist.

He felt his resistance slip. The sentimonster stopped moving as Chat noir heard Shadowmoth's words.

“Chat Blanc! I give you the power of infinite destruction, to destroy anything and everything that causes you pain. In exchange, you will bring me Ladybug’s miraculous.”

Chat noir felt himself give in.

His black costume shift to become white. His green eyes turned a cold ice blue. His blond hair also matched his costume.

A new emotion filled him.

Pure rage.

"Mega Cataclysm."

A massive burst of destructive energy burst from his hand. He erased the rampaging sentient maze. He could finally see the outside.

He looked around and saw the Eiffel Tower.

"There." He said to himself before sprinting towards it.

Chat blanc noticed a few foolish individuals trying to stop his approach, but they were not strong enough to stop him. He casually swiped them without slowing his pace.

In a matter of minutes he had reached the top of the French monument.

“Excellent timing Chat Blanc.”

The Cat looked at the villain for a moment, expressionless. Internally he was seething in anger. All of the pain the villain had caused him. He hated him

“Ladybug we might need a lucky charm here”

The cat heard Rena Rouge say.

“It happened again…”

Ladybug muttered in horror.

She seemed to be zoning out. Was he not even worth her attention.

“Now Chat Blanc. Take the miraculous!”

Chat blanc had no interest in the villain's commands. But a thought popped into his head.

“I shall.”

Shadowmoth Laughed only to suddenly de-transform into Gabriel Agreste, right in front of the two heroes.

He had snatched both miraculous from him, and was looking at the villain with sharp eyes.

The cat villain was shocked for a split second. But it made sense in a sick cosmic sense. He decided he didn't care. His father was a monster that didn't care about him, so why should he care about his father?

“Chat Blanc! How dare you disobey me! I am your…”

“You are nothing…”

Chat blanc cataclysmed the man before he finished his sentence.

“… but a failure of a father.”

He turned his attention to Ladybug and Rena Rouge.

“Wow… that was excessive… But no worries. Just pass ladybug the akumatized item and we can undo all the damage done today.” Rena Rouge said as she composed herself.

The cat looked at the fox with contempt, how he wanted nothing more to destroy her for replacing him. But... a new more sinister thought pops into his head.

Chat Blanc raised his hand in the air.

“Cataclysm.”

A ball of white light formed in his palm and began growing.

Ladybug snapped back to reality as the gravity of the situation became real.

“Chaton stop! You can’t destroy everything! This isn’t you!”

He would destroy her legacy.

“Destroy Akuma Charms” He spoke.

Little balls of energy bursted out from the large cataclysm. The tiny energy balls located and destroyed every anti akuma charm Ladybug had ever created.

After that task was finished. Chat blanc lowered his hand, and a Cheshire grin appeared on his face.

“So I finally have your attention.”

[pinkykitten]

everything stays

chapter 1 - blood on her hands :: gisela klein [ an aot oc story ] 

note: hey guys i know its been a rlly long time since ive posted anything and u may be rlly let down and underwhelmed that ive chosen to write a aot oc instead of fanfic but its what i want to write and i rlly love my oc and wanna give her some love and some praise and let u a little in how i see her. im sorry i havent posted a lot im going to try to write more and who knows i may or may not finish this but its ok imma try lol but life sometimes is a butthole. i hope you love her as much as i do an tysm for taking time out of ur day to read this story. enjoy!

Even though she knew that this day would have to come and that it was near, it still was a surprise for her. She was taken aback. It didn’t make sense and add up to her; she was trained for this since she was little; preparing mentally and physically for phase one of the plan; and the day appeared through the trees; past the wall; the opportunity was present; the fate of the people were waiting in their hands; and yet she felt a sense of evilness within her heart. Was this right? But there was no time. 

The day was written down in history. The stories were spread around like a disease. Heights, jaws, teeth, feet, stench, the screams. If they survived that nightmare they were seen as a tough soldier; as someone that was applauded because they probably had PTSD and had to see everyday as a reason within themselves or God that they were alive. That maybe just maybe they were saved for a reason; for a purpose. That is what Gisela Klein thought. Maybe there was something greater out there for her to do, to accomplish and that was why she saw another day; breathed another breath. 

But one thing was for sure. Forgiveness would never come her way; she would never expect it. To be a warrior she had to endure the horror; the pain; feelings of worthlessness; and friendships lost. 

This is the story of the 10th finding titan; the Slash Titan.

The pounding of her heart rang through her ears. It had taken everything for her to keep going on this journey; to continue on the path to and through Hell. She felt a loss within her and the light in her eyes died out. The loss of her friend made it hard for her to function. To keep her head in the game and in the plan. 

She sighed as she stared at her hands. Broken and bruised like her heart; scars and scratches scattered on her skin. Her bite mark deeply engraved into her flesh. She heaved a huge sigh. Ready to give death a handshake and make a deal with the devil. Panic was rising in her chest from her stomach, almost ready to throw up. 

As she thought about her family back home she realized there was no other way; she had to do this. In order to be with her family, to save them she had to do the one thing she was trained to do. 

Kill.

A lightning strike shot over the wall. The wall that kept the monsters away and at bay. Something was wrong; the air seemed to change. The lightning strike caused a boom, clap and the ground started to shake. 

Bertholdt drew his leg back and with full force swung his leg forward, knocking a hole into the wall that was impenetrable. Many people flew back from the wind of the blow and some were crushed by the debris of the wall. 

Many were going to die; but it’s what needed to be done. 

The titans were called. 

Finally the titans entered the devils homes and started to rip up their lives. “This is right, this is right.” Gisela had to keep reminding herself. “For my family.” And something snapped within her. The image of her mother, tortured, flashed in her mind. And suddenly everything was worth it. “No regrets.”

Gisela eyed Reiner, an agreement, a sign. She exhaled and in a quick motion placed her hand to her mouth and bit into it. In a spark she transformed into her titan form. Her eyes were much like a cats, sharp. She was made into the slash titan, she was chosen for this program. Her titans fingers were like sharp knives, able to cut any object or person. They hung a little past her knees. 

Reiner then transformed and both stomped past the hole. Many citizens glanced up, horrified. Gisela and Reiner were titans never seen before. 

She nodded to Reiner, bent down and started to pick up debris and pieces of houses to throw over the bigger wall. The chunks started to smash against people. Blood splattering everywhere. Gisela almost wanted to close her eyes from the immense amount of dead bodies piled on top of others, graves upon graves. 

She was hauling boulders as high and fast as she could. Her titan held a high amount of power and strength. Being slim, muscular and as tall as the armored titan and female titan. Reiner took a step back and gained his speed to go onward to destroy the bigger wall. 

“Fire!” Their soldiers cried out. Fear evident on their face. They shot their cannons, not even slowing down Reiner. Gisela continued flinging, wanting to create a path for Reiner. She was faster than before and many of her hits flattened the men in the front lines. Their screams and cries loud. 

“Close the gate!” They tried, it was their last hope to save humanity. But it was not enough. Reiner broke the wall and killed those running and they went flying. They reached even higher than Gisela. It astounded her almost, they seemed like helpless birds flying high in the sky; but that thought was quickly wiped clean because the second they flew up in the air they came straight down with much force that many parts of their bodies broke. 

Reiner did what he needed to do, he opened up a way for the titans to get in and they were swarming by the bunches. 

In the distance, the survivors fled in boats across the river to get into the other walls. Gisela put herself in their shoes for a second. They had reason to be scared. Everything they have ever known was gone; their houses, loved ones, food, a place to feel the most comfortable you can feel despite situations; it was all gone. Gisela shook the thought out, not caring about these cruel humans feelings. They had none. No emotions. Gisela had to believe that thought; what she was told, she had to believe it with all her heart, or else what was real?

They waited till they were able to not be seen and Gisela turned human first and then so did Reiner. The four of them hopped on the boat. Talking amongst themselves. The wind howled through the vacant homes. Destruction everywhere. Gisela looked around her setting and saw a little girl had been crushed because a tree fell on her, her doll mere inches away from her grasp. She died with her eyes open; almost looking into Gisela’s soul through the eyes. Gisela’s body trembled and she threw up. 

“Don’t.”

Gisela looked up to see Reiner wiping blood and debris off his clothes. He picked his sleeve and turned Gisela’s head to look away, he wiped her chin and mouth off the puke. He saw the trauma in her eyes and felt guilty. But it’s what needed to be done. He kept telling himself that the more he did this the more he would understand and get used to it. It was still all new to her and he had to be strong for her. He knelt in front of her small frame. “It’s not your fault. They needed to die. We are in this together. You don’t need them. Look at me.”

Gisela looked into his eyes, away from the sadness. His eyes carried the feeling of wanting to be wanted. That was always what Reiner wanted. But they also had fear in his eyes. 

“Stop acting like you’re in control when I know how sick you feel. I know how afraid you are Reiner.”

He paused and took a look at his hands and others surrounding him. “You’re right. But I made a promise to Marcel.”

They joined the other citizens arriving at the food reserves. The master of disguise was needed in this mission. People needed to see four hungry, depressed children that survived the fall of their homes, not mass murderers. 

Annie was only able to fetch two loaves. “Alright, who's the most hungry?”

“You girls should eat, you’re more feeble.” Bertholdt sat on a crate, pointing to Gisela and Annie. 

Annie tsked, moving a bang from her eyes, “who says girls are more feeble? I recall kicking your ass all those times in training.”

“You guys can eat it, I’m not hungry.” Gisela sat on the other crate and saw the chaos of the crowds. A boy caught her interest. He had dark brown hair, tan skin, and light blue green eyes. He was having bread shoved in his mouth and he seemed to have such a strong personality to him. If only Gisela felt so strongly about her motive and her placement in this life. 

“You really should eat, you need your energy after all you did.” Annie broke all the loaves in half and shared it amongst the four of you. “It’s not much but at least it's something.”

Gisela sighed, “you’re right. Thanks.”

After that day there was land given to only a few refugees but there were too many of them. Luckily the four of them had a piece of land that was enough until further inching themselves within society. Through that whole span each day was getting easier and easier living with the lies and day by day Gisela felt more at sure with herself and knowing that she could fulfill this mission. Pills and alcohol helped the pain and ease the thoughts. She taught herself to put a gap between what she came here to do and feelings. She told herself every day that nobody else mattered except her family and Reiner. She trained her brain to not care, to not have strings attached or any love for anything. It was all a play, all a rehearsal for when the curtain would fall. She was readying herself for that fall. Everyday she educated herself more on these scums. What they liked, wanted, needed, craved for, and what they craved more than ever in their life was freedom. 

She trained her body as if it were her last day, barely getting sleep. The face of her mother haunting her every night making her get up at three in the morning to do pushups or sit ups. Not only was her mind getting stronger but also her body. Even Reiner would make jokes noticing the muscles that would appear. The six pack that formed on her stomach. Her thighs growing tight and firm, her arms growing stronger. The sweat growing on her forehead longer. 

With her body growing her relationship with Reiner also changed. They no longer were the tiny children that didn’t understand anatomy or the air between two people. Reiner and Gisela’s relationship was of being flirty, sharing a few kisses here and there, trying to be a couple but then yelling at each other and breaking it up and realizing maybe this isn’t right a million times. Even Bertholdt and Annie were getting tired of their outbursts. But each time they made up to be friends only and then the cycle started where the feelings came in the way and they wanted to be more. They would tease each other, especially Reiner. They were each other's best friends. Gisela was like one of the boys, loud, obnoxious, burping all the time, Reiner would get a look at her and smirk thinking he taught her well. When Reiner looked at her he felt at home and that everything was going to be okay. Her nightmares continued and each time Reiner would come to her room and hold her, let her cry into his arms. She felt he was the only person that knew her pain. 

Gisela understood many things in life and for once she understood her life here, she understood why she was born and chosen. 

It was the following year and in order to get closer to finding the founding titan the four became part of the 104th cadet corps. 

“Are you ready to train more?” Gisela nudged Reiner, eyebrow raised.

“What do you mean train more? This is going to be a new but scary experience honestly.” Reiner spoke as if he was a different person. As if he didn’t have a life outside of the walls. 

“Reiner?” Gisela placed her hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He looked fine on the outside but Gisela knew the issues were inside, his mind. She knew this was becoming disastrous to him, he was starting to have almost two personalities, two lives, two worlds, two people. Gisela tried to tell Annie or Bertholdt, they saw it too but there was nothing they could do. 

All that Gisela could do was smile as they made their way to the first day of training. 

note: again ty y’all sm!!!! If u liked it lmk and this is kinda new for me cuz I usually don’t post my ocs stories here or much at all but I’m rlly excited for y’all to see her and for y’all to know this oc of mine and hopefully accept her ❤️

Taglist: @witchofinterest @chlobenet @eddysocs @fpxloomis @whctsherncme-archive @ocfairygodmother @fandomchick80 @ocappreciationtag

[missyoumaybank]

I lost a friend

Law of acceptance- I lost  A friend p1.

Not my gif^

Word count- 1.6k

Warnings- mentions of panic attacks, swearing, overall angst

JJ Maybank x Routledge reader!

Ever since John B and Sarah disappeared In the storm, things haven’t been the same for the pogues. They’d still hangout every day and hope that the pair would give some sort of sign or clues that they were still alive, but amongst all the drama circulating with ward and the young teens, things started to fall apart quite easily. It was like a disaster waiting to happen.  

JJ went rogue, his current ways heightening to a point beyond belief. Every second day, you’d be down in the station bailing him out for something stupid. ‘’C’mon, it wasn’t even that bad!’’ He’d say pleadingly, trying to coax you into feeling guilty for him, and you did, every single time. Along the way, your friendship with jj began to fall apart, constantly arguing and avoiding each other when possible, rather than sorting things out. It was getting unbearable and you hated it. The chateau was currently occupied by you and JJ, refusing to go back to his fathers after taking the phantom.

   Although you and J were only friends, there was unacknowledged feelings for one another, you felt a need to care for him and he cared for you more than anything else. It was always you and J against the world. There had been moments between you, such as your firsts, first kiss, first time etc, and some out of the blue moments. It confused you, you didn’t know what you were but every time you asked, it was always ‘’Best friends’’.  John B had encouraged you to shoot your shot, despite jj being your brothers bestfriend.

It was late in the evening, the sun beginning to set and you began getting nervous, taking note of the time and jj still wasn’t back from work. Agonizingly, you sat out on the porch with a blanket wrapped around you, fidgeting at the feeling of the scratchy material.

You didn’t mean to pry, but when you saw jj come home from work with a black eye, and dozens of cuts, questions flew around ‘’Can you please stop being up my ass for 2 seconds? Literally, its like you’ve nothing better to be doing other than being a bitch’’ He huffed, wanting to just shower and sleep, slamming the door behind him. As you stood there in shock, you decided not to follow, settling yourself in the hammocks instead. Tears pooled in your eyes, your heart breaking by the second.  You wanted the old jj to come back , but unless John B came back, there was no way in hell that was happening anytime soon.  

JJ was cursing himself, knowing you hated being called out for caring about others, suffering enough as you grew up with constant worry that one day she might lose someone she loves. She worried too much about others rather than herself and jj would constantly remind her to be selfish once in a while, but she never listened.

In your sleepy state, you felt jj climb in the hammock with you, quiet sniffles coming from the blonde boy. Turning to face him, you saw his blotched face, tears glistening against his skin. You wiped under his eyes, clearing away the tears. Wrapping an arm around him, his face rested in the crook of your neck, cuddling into your side.

‘’Im sorry’’ he mumbled quietly, playing with the string from your top. Nodding without saying anything, you covered the blanket over the two of you and kissed his forehead, soft snores coming from him in an instant.

 As the summer came to an end, one last kegger was thrown and it was deemed to be the best one yet. The gang sat around the fire pit, basking in the ocean breeze and the atmosphere they wouldn’t see until next summer. There were a bunch of kooks who surprisingly weren’t causing any trouble and the last of the remaining tourons as the season came to an end.

J was acting weird with you, not like it was much of a surprise, but none the less , it made you feel uncomfortable. You couldn’t bare his behaviour and outbursts anymore, it took a huge toll on your mental health, but as always, you put JJ and the others before yourself. Kie snapped her fingers in front of you, breaking your train of though. She looked at you with a questionable expression , indirectly asking if you were okay. You nodded at her, but it was a lie. Panic began building up inside of you and you didn’t know what was causing it. JJ gave you a glare, seeing your leg fidgeting and it seemed to annoy him, just like everything seems to nowadays. He knew what was happening but he didn’t seem to give a damn, just as your breath hitched.

You didn’t want to cause a scene in front of the others and you grabbed the person that was closest to you, which happened to be Pope , while you began breathing eratically, feeling as if you couldn’t breathe. Pope was confused as to why you were reacting this way and kept asking what was wrong, but you couldn’t hear him.

For sure, you knew you were having a panic attack, but again you didn’t want pope to worry. ‘’I’m fine nevermind, go back its fine’’ you stuttered, not grasping the feeling in your hands. He sat down beside you, and grabbed your hand, starting to tap his finger tips on yours. As you started to calm down, your breathing regulated itself. ‘’It helps me calm down when I have panic attacks’’ he said sympathetically, wishing everyones pain would disappear. Looking up at him, seeing the sad look on his face, you sobbed and broke down.

The sobbing continued, feeling like the whole world was crumbling around you and awaiting the impact. Pope embraced you, trying to calm you again before getting worked up all over again. Without paying attention to what was going on around you, jj stumbled up to the pair and felt a burning pit in his stomach, seeing you in popes arms.

In that time, jj stormed up and had swung at pope, clearly not in the right head space .’’What the fuck jj? He exclaimed, pushing him, which led to them throwing digs at each other.  ‘’Why are you so loved up around my girl?’’ he slurred, putting extra emphasis on ‘my girl’

You scoffed at his words, him turning to look at you with a narrowed expression.

‘’Your girl?

He nodded at you as if you had said the dumbest thing in the world. Shaking your head, you moved closer to him. ‘’Why are you making ‘your girl’ feel so shit then? ‘’ she pried, finally done with his attitude. He laughed tauntingly. ‘’I’m making you feel shit? Have you seen the way you’ve been treating me y/n?’’

She couldn’t believe the boy in front of her, accusing her of making him feel terrible. ‘’Have you stopped and maybe think for a minute jj, that everything is going to shit because of you?’’ she inquired, genuinely intrigued by what he has to say.  He didn’t answer, but you kept pressing at him, wanting him to own up to his shit.

‘’Fuck you little routledge! It should’ve been you on that boat instead of John B!’’ He screamed, his blood boiling with hatred for the girl he loved.

Everything was quiet, the music was off and a circle had surrounded the 3 of you. JJ’s chest heaved, out of breath from his remark. You looked at him with pure disgust and tears blurring your vision.

‘’I hate you Jesse Jameson Maybank!’’ You roared, rushing towards him to slap him. Kie had grabbed you at your waist, preventing you from making a bigger mistake that you’d regret.

‘’And I fucking hate you too little routledge!’’ Jj smirked, getting the reaction from you that he had expected. Although he had said all that, he didn’t mean it. He did it to protect you.

 The morning after last night’s events, y/n was wallowing in a state of depression, spiralling out of control. She loved jj but by god did she hate him also. She wanted nothing more to be wrapped in his arms, but after that, she doesn’t think she ever would be again.  A loud knock on the door disrupted her thoughts. She pushed herself out of bed to go to the patio door. Immediately, seeing who it was, she turned around not wanting to see him.

‘’Y/n, please im sorry!’’ He pleaded, his voice cracking.

‘’That was the last straw jj, im sick of it and im sick of you’’ she stated, not looking at him. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. ‘’Can I make it up to you somehow?’’ he muttered, knowing full well he could never make it up to her.

‘’The best thing that you could do for me right now is to never speak to me again’’ vocalizing the harsh reality, she felt bad, but she needed to.  His mouth widened in shock, not believing her words.

‘’but what about us? You know? The infamous blondies?’’ His voice wavering at the thought of losing you. He couldn’t believe he was losing you that easy, like a set of keys.

‘’I can’t do this anymore j’’ she cried, wanting things to go back to the way they were at the start of summer. He fidgeted in his spot, not knowing what to do.  ‘’Where am I meant to go?’’ whispering quietly, looking up at you. You could feel the guilt build up but you couldn’t stand down.

‘’I’m sure Ms.Lana would love the company’’

He looked at you, looking for any sign for him to stay, while he saw the pleading look in your eyes for him to stay, he knew he had to do the right thing.

‘’I guess this is it then’’

‘’Bye jj’’.

Taglist!-

@afterglowsb-tch13​ @tomfreakinghollandneedsaoscar​ @lavendersunflower​

 this chapter is a mess im sorry

[lollytea]

Fearless (part 1/3)

(Ty/Louie fairytale au fic. i am simply a bitch writing about my au and my oc so it is all very catered to me personally and im aware not a lot of ppl will read it. but if you DO read it, i love u so much. i guess tw for blood/serious injuries relating to teen characters. nothing too graphic but be warned. Also if you’re curious, info on the au here, here and here.)

_________________________

[OCTOBER 22ND, 6:19PM] The sky was bleeding pink and orange and Louie tried to focus on it. Didn't take much brainpower to appreciate a sunset. He clung to the sight with desperation, muttering the simplest thoughts under his breath like a mantra.

It was pretty. He liked sunsets. He liked pink. He liked orange. The distraction wasn't working. The unpleasantness that was already writhing in his stomach churned. His finger was on his temple, idly tracing delicate circles against the tightly wrapped bandage. His head hurt. The point where his shoulder met his upper arm was also dressed. The stitching still had to heal up. That hurt too. Louie was pretty stupid. Which was not something he usually thought. But it was a real kick in the confidence when someone sharp-witted did something stupid. And it was a real kick in the heart when someone who didn't wanna hurt anybody ended up hurting somebody. This was stupid. He had already tried reading as a means of distraction. Too hard. Too many words. Way too much of a strain on his mild concussion. This was so, so stupid. Sitting by his windowsill, he hoped this dumb bandage would be gone soon. His forehead felt sticky and damp with sweat. He was stupid. He wished Webby were here. If she were, she'd be in the courtyard below his window sparring with Dewey. At least then, Louie could watch and keep his mind occupied. No. No, that wasn't right. If Webby were here, she would've attached herself to Louie by now, hugging him tight until his injury healed. If it had been any other incident, Louie would let her, crumbling into her arms and whimpering about the pain as his amazing, magical sister made it all ebb away. But this wasn't any other incident. If Webby were here, he wouldn't be able to accept her hugs. The very idea rubbed him the wrong way. If anyone was entitled to healing hugs, it wasn't Louie, it was--.... His face twisted up. Webby wasn't here. She was off on some quest with Lena. Probably wouldn't be back for days. So there was no point in dwelling over hypotheticals. Louie would heal on his own. They were both gonna have to heal on their own. The sunset was fading.

It was pretty. Pink... Orange.... He couldn't do this. 

Why was he doing this?! Louie always knew himself to be a coward but this was to a pathetic extent. Depraved even. He felt sick. 

He couldn't. He just couldn't. Every additional second he spent hiding in his room was weighing him down. It was suffocating. But he couldn't leave. He was too scared.

Freezing up just like always. Just stop being so fucking scared! He would have to confront what he did eventually. There was no way around it. So, why couldn't he just go now? Louie had far worse things in his life to be dreading. Far worse. A ticking clock of trepidation was seated deep inside him. A predestined future he couldn't rewrite which, on all accounts, should render him paralyzed. But he wasn't. This was the sort of thing to demolish him. Apparently. Stupid. This shouldn't be overdriving his other senses. This shouldn't be flooding his mind. He shouldn't be drowning right now. This shouldn't have his hands shaking. This shouldn't have him pacing the length of his room. This shouldn't be stealing the oxygen from his lungs. His brain was pounding against his skull, protesting his rapid back-and-forth movement. He was dizzy. He shouldn't be crying. Fuck it! He was always crying, who cares about that?! Just stop panicking, just stop crying, just stop being so selfish for once and just own up. Louie's back crashed against his door, gasping for breath. Stars were blotting his vision and he couldn't breathe and it was the end of the world. Okay. Okay. He was spiraling again. That was all it was, it would be okay. It would be okay. The prince's bed chambers, alive with the choking sound of contained distress, subsided to complete silence for just a moment. Inhale. Exhale. And then all to be heard was a small, crackling voice straining to sing himself a quiet little lullaby. ___________ [OCTOBER 22ND, 10:07AM] "Your highness, don't be an idiot. You can't just---Hey! Wait up!" "H'oh boy..." Louie's eyes flicked to the high heavens. Right now he felt like he was tasked with personally escorting this goddamn boy across this goddamn forest by the goddamn ankles. He whirled around impatiently, crossing his arms with a flourish. "Pick up the pace, Tiberius. We don't have all day." "Can you maybe not be a huge pain for like... I dunno, five minutes?" Snapped Ty, his dearly devoted retainer and most notorious pain-in-the-tail. "Can you maybe loosen up? Y'know it's a real mood killer when there's a paranoid guy on my case all the time, insisting that the whole world is out to get me. Being constantly reminded of my fragile mortality? Woo, talk about fun times." Scowling, Ty stumbled his way over a protruding tree root. "You've got a bad habit of attracting danger, you know that, right? I'm pretty sure it's a Duck thing." The remark slapped the annoyed expression right off Louie's face. Ty quirked an eyebrow. "What's that look for?" Before he could further analyse, Louie sharply turned on his heel and strode on. "It's a Duck thing." He said, keeping his tone even. Both of them knew it was a Duck thing. Ty just didn't know the half of it. "Your highness," He heard Ty gripe. "You know this is a bad idea. A prince shouldn't be out in the open like this without proper protection. And I'm unprepared right now. I can't--" If Ty weren't yakking so much, Louie wouldn't know if he was still there. He wasn't wearing his armor for once so the familiar clank and clatter of metal was nonexistent. "You got your sword, right? You can do a lot of damage with that thing." "Yeah but no juice. And I need juice. See, 'cause what if we get in a tight spot and you--?" "What do you think is gonna happen, Ty?! For the love of all that is gold, It's just a party." "It's never just anything." He grumbled. Ty jogged ahead a little, matching his pace to Louie's. His footsteps alongside him were purposefully heavy So, he was stomping now. Real mature. Louie rolled his eyes. He was fully aware Ty was pissed, he didn't have to go above and beyond to make his anger known. "You really think I'm an idiot who doesn't take safety precautions? I'll have you know keeping Prince Louie alive isn't just your problem. Prince Louie is pretty serious about that too." He gestured to himself. "If you haven't noticed, I'm incognito today. I've got no crown, no mantle, no status whatsoever. And look at these ugly peasant threads," Louie pointed out, tugging at the hem of his dull green tunic. "It's actually kinda depressing how drab I look. I'm never gonna do this again actually. But! See how committed I am right now? Who's gonna recognize me? As we're all aware, I'm pretty well known for my pizzazz." "Just 'cause you stop being a prince doesn't mean danger stops existing." "No but it makes you way less of a target. Now, are you really gonna spend your whole day off bitching at me?" 

The glare Ty shot him was petulant at best. "Well, I didn't wanna. But I got dragged along on this little adventure so guess I gotta." Louie pursed his beak, irritated. He did not drag Ty along anywhere. 

"Come to think of it, I don't remember saying you had to follow me." Well, that came out as harsher than intended. Ty didn't seem hurt. At least, there was no sign that he was. No expression cracked his stone mask. "I've got a duty." Louie scoffed. Ty and his stupid duty. It was really starting to wear on his nerves. But not today, absolutely not today. On this fine, glorious day, Louie was intent on having fun. He would show up at this little forest shindig and he would drink and dance and schmooze and whatever else any carefree person at a party would do. He would forget about everything that was eating at him. He wasn't gonna let it consume him, he wasn't. He was gonna live. While he still could. His sixteenth birthday loomed closer. Six months left. "Sorry." Said Ty, unprompted. The shadows festering in Louie's head cleared out as he snapped back to the present. Ty had his eyes firmly downcast, a noticeable slump to his posture. "It's not like I wanna be running around killing the fun all the time. I really don't. But I gotta." Louie said nothing. His eyebrows rose in quiet astonishment as he studied Ty's side profile. He remembered when Ty first came into his life. Twelve years old, brandishing a sword too big for his body and grinning lopsidedly in an unmistakably trouble seeking sorta way. A real firecracker of a boy, loud and bright. Hungry for adventure and excited to throw himself head first into the action. He remembered one of Ty's earliest and most confident statements. When he lowered himself to bow to Louie in his uncle's throne room and declared that the prince would never fear for his life again. Because Ty would protect him and Ty was fearless. Louie believed him. Make no mistake, Ty had plenty of bite back then too. He had disliked Louie and the feeling had been mutual. But he never doubted that Ty had spoken the truth with his entire heart. Ty was fearless. When Louie was with Ty, he was safe. He believed that and he always had. Despite how they clicked as well as a dagger and a keyhole. Despite Ty being annoying. So annoying. He was still annoying. But it was different now. Louie couldn't pinpoint when that permanent glowing smile of his had dwindled and a thin frown had become Ty's default expression. His sword, something he always used to proudly haul around over his shoulder, now unceremoniously sheathed against his belt. Although Louie had noticed that his right hand never strayed too far from the hilt.   Protecting royalty with your entire being was an all-consuming duty and it seemed, at some point, the reality of such an allegiance had slapped Ty across the face. He had this distinct way of holding himself now. Always stood straight and rigid, coiled up with agitation. He was prepared to fight at a moment's notice but it was clear the thrill of doing so had been long since drained out of him. He still smiled. He still laughed. But only sometimes. Ty was annoying because he was paranoid. Because he was snarky. Because he was too stiff, too protective. And man, what Louie wouldn't give to have Ty's former brand of annoying back. At least never made him feel sorry for the guy. "Can I ask you a favor?" Louie finally spoke, pushing back a drooping tree branch so they could walk below it "You can try." Ty shrugged, his gaze still fixed ahead. "What if we just turn off this whole 'Prince and Retainer' thing today. Whadd'ya think?" He turned to him blankly, complete with a slight tilt of the head that made Louie a tiny bit weak. "Wha....?" Ty was simply not computing. He looked as though Louie was throwing out algebra equations and he was supposed to solve them right on the spot. And he was not a math guy by any means. The cute clueless expression was making it a little hard to focus. Louie swallowed. "Listen." He began, his thumb dragging itself across his sweaty palm as he struggled with how to phrase this. Louie had a way with words, always had. But he had a tendency to trip over his own tongue when Ty was involved. Especially when Ty was staring at him with his soft cande-light eyes and doing that stupid adorable head tilting thing and-- "You need a break." Louie blurted out. "You're stressed like constantly and it's getting kinda insufferable and I think your Dad would sick a dragon on me if his barely fifteen year old son suddenly kicked it 'cause of a paranoia overload so I think you should just forget about being my big strong hero for today and come hang out with me at this stupid peasant party and we can just be two regular kids instead of a royal and his bodyguard do you think you could give me that Tiberius?" It was only in the following beat of silence that Louie realized how fast he spat that all out. He struggled to catch his breath. One second. Ty blinked. Two seconds. A flicker of vacant eyes and then a rush of realization. And then disbelief. And then-- Three seconds. His brow scrunched together and a snarl crinkled his muzzle. His eyes flared. Oh, he was mad.... "Are you crazy?!" Ty shouted. He was beside himself with a malfunctioning mix of fury and incredulity that had him stammering his words. "You-You can't just--.....D-do you even-- you don't...do you realize how disrespectful that is? For you to say it? For-For me to do it?! I was given this duty by the King! The fucking King! To just suddenly "turn it off" would be--....I can't--!" Maybe "mad" was an understatement. "Ty--" Louie tried. He was cutting across Louie, treading back and forth on their forest path,. Not going further, not going back. Just walking to nowhere for the sake of being too scandalized to possibly stand still. Louie was attempting to get Ty's attention by grabbing his tunic but he kept shaking him off. "I'd be a disgrace! An embarrassment! I'm trusted by the royal family to keep--...to keep you safe! I-I can't just walk around with my liege like I'm on vacation and not be on guard! You don't even get it, you--" "Ty!" Louie said loudly."You wanna maybe listen for a sec?!" Frankly, he was surprised Ty halted his tirade. His eyes were blown wide, stunned and Louie wasn't quite sure why until he followed Ty's look, snapping down. Seems in his effort to get a hold of the guy, he had instinctively reached out and snatched Ty's wrist. They stood frozen for a moment, each set of eyes boring into the touch that tied them together. Louie's fingers began to uncurl. Then he decided no. His grip on Ty tightened with a purposeful squeeze. Ty met his gaze, looking....panicked? Confused? Didn't matter. He could besottedly dissect his unreadable facial expressions later. Louie inhaled, deciding to shoulder his dignity for just a second. No safety rails of snark this time. Ty might make fun of him for being sincere later but this was important. "Don't you miss being a kid with nothing to worry about?" Louie implored. "Because if we're being real, I don't think we're ever gonna get to live like that again." Ty muttered something to himself, shaking his head a little. "But listen," Louie continued, taking a step into Ty's personal bubble. Ty took an automatic step back. But since he was still holding his hand, Louie was led a step forward. It was difficult to tell with the pink fur but he could've sworn Ty reddened. "Look I know it's weird for me to be asking but....can't we just take a risk today? It's just a party in the woods. Literally the least likely place to find any danger in the whole kingdom." "We shouldn't--" "Ty, please." Honestly, Louie was a little surprised at himself. He hadn't even planned for Ty to accompany him anyway. But in the heat of the moment, everything had shifted upside-down. Turns out there was something inside him willing to beg. Something that wanted more than anything, for Ty come along. He just wanted a simple memory of just killing time with Ty. Separated from the castle and everything that reminded him of his fate. He would like to smile without a hint of dread for once this year. So, he said just that. "I'm not just trying to make you come along 'cause I'm stuck with you. That's not it." He swallowed. "You're--....you're cool. You're fun. I wanna have you around. You know, when you're not so worked up and you're just being yourself, I like hanging out with you." He tugged Ty's hand a little. Further from his sword and closer to Louie. "I want you to come with me. And I want you to try having fun too." He may as well just tell the idiot he thought about him every time he saw a sunset. The hand he was grasping flexed its fingers. Ty abruptly broke eye contact and glanced to the side, his tongue poking out to pierce the tip of his jagged tooth. His indecisive face. "I just--.....I dunno...." He muttered. "If something happened to you--" "Nothing's gonna happen to me." Said Louie immediately. "I've got a good feeling about this. And c'mon Ty, that coming from a coward?" "You're not a coward." He said, barely a whisper. He was now staring at the ground. "I promise." "Huh?" Louie smiled tightly as Ty looked to him questionably. "I promise nothing is gonna happen. I'm gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine. Now, can you do me this favor and maybe, I dunno, trust me?" The look Ty gave him was a little sad, but it was soft. And then with only a tiny twitch, it shifted into something else entirely. It was trust. Blind trust. Maybe stupid trust. A minuscule pang of guilt jabbed at Louie. Of course he wanted Ty to trust him. He needed him to if there was any hope of achieving his goal here. But objectively, he really shouldn't. Louie was hiding way too much from him. It wasn't fair. Then Ty broke the world, shattered orbit and played around with reality itself by cracking a smile and Louie forgot every coherent thought he ever possessed. He would never put on record just how long he spent pre-preparing jokes, gunning to get the corner of Ty's lips to flick upwards. Made him seem kinda desperate. Which he was not. Ty had that oh, so stereotypical "cute boy" smile. It was crooked, cocky, it was utterly obnoxious. Louie hated it. And worst of all, it was like a little spell to kick Louie's heart into high speed. Sometimes it dazed and confused him like a blinding light flash. But other times, it was warm and if he stared long enough, he'd fall asleep. Louie loved Ty's smile. Every time he tried to convince himself he didn't, he ended up dwelling on it too much and the way his mouth would quirk up would play in his mind on a maddening loop and then it would be too much to handle and the truth that he loved it would always overpower him. So, whenever that happened (like right this second.) he gave up and admitted it. To himself, anyway. He loved Ty's smile. He loved Ty. ......Wait. That last part was new, hold up. Rewind. But he didn't get the chance because Ty was talking now. Still a little dazzled, Louie didn't catch what he said but he figured it was good since he was still smiling. And then that smile broke into a huge grin, his eyes flashed with trouble and his hands were on Louie's shoulders and-- "Race ya!" Ty cried. With a light push, Louie was stumbling backwards and Ty kicked off into a sprint. For a brief moment, Louie could only gaze after him, stupefied. Love, huh? Like the real deal? That was crazy. But then he snapped out of as he recalled the audacity of this bastard. "You just pushed your liege!" He shrieked, receiving a loud "WOO!" from Ty as a response. And then Louie was grinning. He was giddy. He didn't quite know if he forgot about love in that instance or if it was the force powering him but he was tearing off after Ty, yelling about the latter's totally unfair head start. In hindsight, he should've figured it was love a long time ago. Who else would get him to run for no reason?

[ohkimani]

you know when youre that level of depressed and anxious when the things you usually do to cheer yourself up make you even sadder? simple things like trying to draw or watch videos of cats or something has made me sob so easily and im so tired of everything.

 im tired all the time and everything is falling apart.

 it’s frightening to be in my skin. it’s dangerous to be around people because the virus is still alive and well. it’s painful to use social media as a connection to the outside world because of the triggering images and videos it feels like an addiction to subject myself to. 

i now havent had an income for months due to lay offs and no assistance from unemployment (which was officially disqualified today for no reason and no way to contact an actual person) and as it turns out, i dont have health insurance in the midst of a global pandemic. i have not been able to protest like i want to because i am afraid. im afraid of being knocked unconscious by a cop and not being able to afford the care i will need from an injury. im afraid of being in a crowd of people and getting sick with no insurance. never mind the fact that i have actual ptsd which effects my ability to be in crowded places without extensive mental preparation to begin with. 

and i hate myself so much for feeling so helpless and worthless. usually talking to my mom is the biggest help and all she has to say is that crying wont do anything because everyone is going through the same thing. but i want to cry. i want to scream at the top of my lungs. i want to tear everything apart.

but i mostly want to cry. i cant even listen to taylor’s music without feeling betrayed and hurt at her hesitation to say that black lives matter. to put it all on the line like most people in her position have and she is nowhere to be found. my only escape is no longer my safe haven and that’s what’s made my cup of stability spill. 

this is why im so angry at her and everyone else who continues to silence or speak over myself and other black fans throughout this movement is because i actually find it hard to support someone who cant even flat out say i deserve to not be beaten senselessly or killed. especially when they have been who i turn to in times like this when it feels like everything is crashing down. that’s why this has made me so emotional and i wont apologize for that. i’ll apologize for depending on taylor’s music as a massive coping mechanism over the years but i wont apologize for being dissatisfied. 

[sumiko000]

I’ll be your star

.hello hello everyone this is a small tanjiro x reader angst. sorry for the first post being so depressing 

!!! SPOILER WARNING kinda???

this takes place after the battle with muzan

(tw/ blood and death)

       For years, going out into a field and gazing at the beautiful night sky felt impossible. Enjoying it would be difficult with demons spilling out from every direction as a tear does from an eye full of sorrow. 

  “y/n, are you awake?” a timid and cautious voice said, removing the painful silence from around you. “ I am, do you need something Zenitsu?” Zenitsu smiled seeing that you were awake and feeling well enough to talk. “Nezukos’ making tea and was wondering if you’d want any?” “Of course she always makes the best tea!” you said with a hint of excitement in your drained voice. 

You waited a bit for your tea and finally after what felt like an eternity Nezukos bright face came walking in with a steaming cup. “ you’re looking much better today, y/n.” Nezuko said in delight. “I definitely feel alot better now that i have your amazing tea in my hands.” Nezuko giggled, she always looked so peaceful and it calmed you. “ Tanjiro will be back in a few nights, he said the doctor will be with him too.”  You sighed, it hurt you so much to see how hard everyone was trying. But you knew this sickness had no cure, you watched your mother fall victim to it and even after everything…. She couldn't fight any longer and left this world, and you knew soon you would too. 

“Nezuko… you know tha-” you were cut off by an abrupt pull of your hand. “Y/N PLEASE…. Please don’t…. Don’t speak like that, who knows? Maybe a cure has been discovered or maybe you’ll be strong enough to overcome it!?” you could hear the pain in her voice. It made you want to cry.   “I’m trying Nezuko, I really am.” You pulled nezuko into a hug, you felt the wetness on your shoulder grow and soon enough you were crying too. “Um Nezuko, Y/n- ARE YOU GUYS ALRIGHT!??” you both turned your attention to the yellow boy standing in the doorway with a worried look painted on his face. “We’re okay, sorry to worry you.” you said as you dried your eyes with your sleeve. “Oh alright, but uh Inosuke just brought some firewood in. I'd like to get to the matches before he does because he may set the house on fire.`` Nezuko giggled, “ Let me show you where I keep them.” you smiled watching how giddy Zenitsu got when Nezuko grabbed his hand to lead him to the matches. 

3:00 am

You jerked up bursting into a coughing fit. Your lungs felt like they were on fire and your throat felt like it was being ripped to shreds. Desperately you crawled out of your bed in search of water but before you got anywhere close you felt something coming out of your mouth and the overwhelming taste of blood flooded your taste buds. You felt your eyelids grow heavy and all the strength you had left leave your body. There was nothing you could do but lay there as tears swelled up and became too much for your eyes to hold in. 

“Y/N!! Y/N! WAKE UP!” you could faintly hear the desperate calls of your friends, the next thing you knew you were being lifted up and brought back to your bed. Mustering up all your strength you pushed out a small “im sorry” before letting yourself fall into a quiet slumber. 

“D-don’t worry she's still breathing..” Nezuko said solemnly. “She said this was going to happen nezuko.. She said this happens near the end.” Zenitsu couldn’t help but to burst into tears at the thought of one of his best friends leaving them behind. It wasn’t soon after that Nezuko was crying right along next to him. “Why is everyone crying?” Inosukes rough and tired voice broke Nezuko and Zenitsu out of the crying trance. “ is Y/n okay?” “She's just resting right now. Sorry for waking you Inosuke.” nezuko said as she helped Zenitsu up from the floor. 

A few days later 

“GUYS!! TANJIRO AND THE DOCTORS HERE!!” Zenitsu yelled, running out the front door to greet them. 

“ so where is this y/n?” the doctor said as tanjiro helped him step up into the house. “She's right this way let me show you.” Tanjiro led the doctor to the room you stayed in. Carefully opening the sliding door, Tanjiro stepped to the side to let the doctor get to your lying body. “Give us a moment please.” the doctor said with a wave of his hand. Tanjiro walked out the room, closing the door behind him. “Nezuko, how has she been doing?” Tanjiro asked with tears in his eyes. “... it's been worse the past couple of days'' she said, looking towards the ground trying to hide her tears from her brother. Immediately Tanjiro pulled nezuko into a hug hoping to make her feel better 

“ Hey doc, I'm sorry that you were brought here for no reason.” you said with a soft smile before going into a coughing fit. The doctor handed you the cup of water that was laying beside you. “What do you mean?” the doctor asked, utterly confused. “I know i'm not making it out of this alive.. My mother passed away from this exact disease.. And i'm already so far along that…” at this point you already started crying. You didn't want to die, you didn't want to leave the friends you loved so dearly behind, you didn't want to leave tanjiro… 

A few minutes later the doctor walked out of the room with a long frown plastered on his face. “ I'm sorry.. She doesn't have much longer.” “wh..what? Are you sure- there has to be something you can do, she can't leave yet.” you heard tanjiros' pleas and hurt you so badly. You gripped the end of your kimono sleeve, your hand clawing at it with anger and sadness. Why now? Why couldn't this happen once you lived out the small peaceful life you always wanted? You kept asking yourself why over and over again but it wasn't doing you any good.

“Hey Y/n.” you heard the raspy voice of tanjiro and looked over with a sad yet welcoming look on your face. You patted a spot next to you signaling for tanjiro to come sit. “Take me out to see the stars tonight Tanjiro.” you said as you leaned your head on his shoulder. “But its cold and-” “and? Its not like i’ll get anymore sick, and if i do what will it matter.” tanjiro frowned, feeling tears start to prick the corners of his eyes again. “y/n.. Please don't say things like.” You immediately felt regret, you didn’t mean to be so blunt but the anger of a sickness getting the better of you took over and you could help but let out your thoughts. “ I'm sorry Tanjiro i.. I just don't want to die.” you were pulled into a hug, the warmth rushing over your body. You missed this, you missed being in tanjiros arms more than you knew. “ Tonight we’ll go look at the stars okay?” “Thank you.”

You were all bundled up and ready to go outside. “Ready y/n?” you nodded and lifted up your arms so that tanjiro could pick you up. As soon as the 2 of you walked out the front door the crisp air bit the tip of your nose. To most this might be an unpleasant feeling but you loved it. 

You looked up into the sky, with most of the trees being bare it made it easier for you to see all the stars. You and Tanjiro stared at the stars, talking with each other about little things that happened in your life. Then silence fell and you took the opportunity. “Tanjiro, i'm sorry to lay this on you so late. But I need to say this.” Tanjiro looked at you directly in your eyes, but this made your heart hurt worse. “I.. I love you, I always have. I wanted to marry you, and have children but it looks like my plans have been cut short.” a fake an airy laugh escaped your lips before a few violent coughs made their way out of your mouth. Blooded tinted your lips and your breaths became heavy. “Y/N! Let's get you inside.” Tanjiro said, trying to quickly get to the house. “No.. stop, let's stay out here. If i'm going to die tonight I'd rather it be out here with the love of my life next to me, with a background of stars painted behind him.`` Tanjiro started crying as he pulled you closer to him. 

You felt the pace of your breaths slow down and your sight was getting blurry. “Tanjiro, i'm going to-” Tanjiro put a finger on your lips. “ Let me kiss you?” you nodded, with a small smile growing on your face. The warmth of his lips against your cold ones made you cry but with tears of joy this time. As soon as he started to pull away you felt empty again. “ i love you y/n, please.. Please don't leave me.” “don’t worry tanjiro, i'll always be with you. I’ll be your star, and i'll watch over you always.”  

With that, you closed your eyes and smiled, letting tanjiros warmth take over as you slipped away into paradise where you’d always be able to watch over tanjiro.

       - sumiko

[smutty-ki113r]

Hiya! I saw your blog and was interested in asking for a romantic matchup! You can involve nsfw if you would like.

My name is Ronan, my nickname is Ro, my most used pronouns are she/her/he/him. My sexuality is demi-sexual meaning I don’t get sexual attractions to people unless I have formed a strong emotional connection with said person. My zodiac is Scorpio (that’s pretty much all I know about that lmao) also my personality is ISTP-T

Starting with my mental trash I have a VERY low self esteem. I never liked the way I look and probably never will. I suffer from chronic depression that’s pretty much taken over my life. I have a very hard time with social cues and can come off as an asshole most of the time and I’m extremely blunt. People tend to think I’m cute since I’m fairly small; I’m a 5’3 Nordic female with thicker thighs. I am absolutely OBSESSED with The Legend of Zelda franchise, it’s been apart of my life for as long as I can remember. I’m pretty musical; I play bass, drums, and sing. I also voice act so that’s really fun. Not gonna lie I say I have a huge ego but really I just hate everyone. Having depression I mostly lock myself in my room and work on my art.

How I look: I have black/brown hair in a boy cut. I have big round hazel eyes, my face is round with slightly chubby cheeks and freckles. I want to get my lip pierced but sadly have not gotten to that yet.. My fashion sense is kinda everywhere but I typically go for the cottage core aesthetic. I love muted nature ish colors, I think they look so pretty. I love to go on long walks and sit alone at my local park. I find being alone outside very calming. When I’m not outside or in my room I’m mostly playing video games with my friends and kicking their ass. Believe it or not I used to do boxing but now I just lift weights and workout some. I have a long history of physical illnesses that really render my body kinda useless so I always try to strengthen myself up however I can. I spent most of my childhood in the hospital due to these illnesses. I have been homeschooled my whole school years but I taught myself German, Japanese, and computer science. I actually have a job around it. I’m terrible at explaining my feelings and asking for help so telling people I love them is a huge chore for me. A lot of the time you can find me alone singing to myself with my eyes closed daydreaming.

I love to read. My friends say I’m really boring but whatever. OH I’ve always wanted to be a DJ. I know its a really weird dream but it just looks so cool. Nobody ever expects the sick quiet girl to want to be a DJ. Speaking of shy I’m a huge introvert if you couldn’t figure that out already. I’m extremely shy, don’t talk to me I’ll run away or you’ll be enveloped in my Zelda talk. I have amazingly crazy music taste (according to my mom) I listen to mostly heavy metal and Corpse Husband.

NSFW: Huge HUGE brat. You want me to do something? Yeah fuck you. I’m a huge sub you can pretty much do anything to me. I have a big daddy kink like please let me call you daddy UGH. Also praise but degrade me at the same time? Please thanks. I’m also a pillow princess. Um um ddlg yes thanks.

I match you with…..💖BEN_DROWNED💖

NSFW bellow~

OK OK I KNOW I KNOW, DON’T @ me for picking Benny boy for you Ro. I just think it’s the right fit. Let me start off with the whole depression thing, BEN relates to locking himself in his room and hyperfixating on something. At least you’ll have a gaming buddy to get you through it. Plus, he’s a very competitive guy. Get him to not cheat and you will have fun for hours. Not to mention you sound a bit like Jeff in the way that you can come off as rude. BEN and Jeff are pretty good friends, so you’ll make a wonderful partner for BEN.

Voice acting? BEN will love that, he’ll try to get you to do different characters from his video games or even anime characters. He loves your chubby cheeks, likes to squish them and make them puckered and then give you kisses. It’s quite adorable. Zelda talk? Yeah you don’t need to worry about him running off about that.

BEN will be obsessed with the cottage core, probably likes those little white flowy dresses. Maybe one day wear those elf ears and surprise him, I think he’d think it’s cute. You should definetly do his makeup, put that holographic glitter on his cheeks and some hair clips in his hair- maybe a skirt if he feels up to it.

BEN is very understanding about your illnesses, in fact he would be super impressed that you even lift weights. And is so so supportive about you wanting to be a DJ. He gets excited and calls over Jeff to show him. He’s not very shy about saying I love you, maybe the first time but after it’s constant affection.

For the smut! He can get rough sometimes, loves the daddy kink. He’s the type to soak all that up like a sponge. Praises you for taking his cock so well but will call you pathetic for making those noises. Probably wants you to wrap your thighs around his head and suck your clit for hours, he likes to feel you cum.

Ok Ok I hope you enjoyed that! I love how you have a big ego and then- low self esteem, sounds like me. I literally hate myself so much and then… holy shit I’m the hottest person alive. I know what depression is like, those thoughts just wrap around your throat and choke the life out of you, and it’s not even fast. It’s every day just heavier and heavier, dragging you down and making you feel horrible. I mostly lock myself in my room too, but writing helps me through it. I love love love your hair, boy cuts are so cool. And get that lip piercing! IT WOULD LOOK AWESOME. I love that you’re talented in music, I wish I was musically inclined. Scorpios are so cool, like I said, my best friend is one and so I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I am so incredibly proud of you, homeschool and then the illness stuff must be so hard but you are so strong for going through it. You don’t deserve it but sometimes life works that way. It’s ok to be shy and introverted. For the record, I think you would make an awesome DJ. DO it, I believe in you, so should you. I mean we all have our passions, work hard enough and I promise you’ll get there. I used to write a lot about my feelings and nobody ever read it, but I continued and look where I am now! Im so proud of myself for having this account, and you for being ALIVE. Thats all you need to do, you don’t need to be cool, or popular or skinny to be an amazing person.

Ro, I swear you are an awesome person. I can clearly see it, and I promise one day you’ll look in the mirror and think the same. If your friends say you’re boring they aren’t your friends. They sort of suck because reading is so cool. Without readers I couldn’t be a writer now could I? I believe in you. I know you can do it. Lifting weights is so badass I couldn’t even- I can barely do 5 pound weights man. Ya know I believe that the people who go through the most pain and sadness are the ones who will be the happiest in the end. The universe has to give us back what we lost, there is balance in everything and pain is only temporary. Everything is temporary. So I promise it’ll be ok man, and hey, you’re valid. I see you ro, and I know that you’ll make great places someday.

[fairycosmos]

(ive written to u before months ago) ppl who send hateful messages are insane honestly. i lost my sister nine months ago and last night somebody on here messaged me that even when she was alive i was fishing for attention complaining and venting ON MY OWN TRAUMA AND VENT BLOG about things and being depressed so 'what's different now? you got what you wanted lol a reason to bitch and feel special and traumatized your whole life' and i want to die so badly i dont know how people can be so cruel chloe i normally pretend it doesnt affect me but hate messages do affect everybody and this has been fucking me up so badly.

omg what the fuck?? people are literally out of their fucking minds!! no sense of empathy or boundaries or just basic common decency at all!! i am so so sorry you've had to deal w this on top of everything else. first of all you can talk about whatever YOU want on YOUR blog and second of all being open about grief is not 'looking for attention' (which btw needing attention esp in sadness is a basic human craving so they really had no point at all) and third of all theyre the ones who r looking for a reaction and can only get it by antagonizing ppl on anon. it is ENTIRELY and i mean ENTIRELY a reflection of them, not of you. that is so sick that they would say smth like that to you like?? literally inhumane god im raging. it's completely understandable that its fucked you up, you're allowed to be upset and to be hurt. and it's possible to feel that way while also acknowledging that the pain/shock is not a permanent state of being and you will move forward from it with time. tbh sending hate on anon means they've already got no ground. the person cant even say it with their whole chest and they have to hide their identity to even get the words out. it's like going up to someone on the street and saying smth cruel as fuck to them while covering ur own face -- it's laughable. but it is also extremely hard to deal with esp when ur already in a bad place and i totally get that. please know that u have every right to talk about your feelings in your own online space esp when u made the blog for that reason!! the fact that they think ur sibling passing away is just 'a reason for you to feel traumatized' and not a legit source of trauma and genuine pain ????? clearly shows they have literally NO idea what they're talking about. at all. they have major issues and that is never going to be your fault or your problem. utilize the fuck out of the block button and turn off anon if needed!! you dont owe anyone esp ppl like that ur time. i am so so sorry for your loss and for this situation in general. all mourning is unique but i do understand to an extent and i am just so so sorry, i wouldn't wish this on anyone. i am keeping you and your sibling in my heart. sending u so much love, please take care. and know my inbox is open any time. ur not in this alone x