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kaytrawrites · 3 months

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QSMP - Tapestries colored by Death

Summary in which a ritual is performed to call forth a Death Being to protect the life weavings of those who have grown close

Notes CW // multiple character deaths (non permanent), multiple ritualistic suicides (non permanent), violence (make sure you rb with the cw tags, at least)

i've been slowly working on this one for a while. this is my non-canon what-if ending of the islanders vs the horrors. enjoy. (I love the crow poem, if you couldn't tell lmao)

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The waystone in the tree swooshed as a demon stumbled into existence. He clutched a shredded shirt to his side, inhaling through his teeth at the stabbing pain from moving. Across the floor, three figures were deeply asleep, one wrapped around the other two, a scarred, still beautiful wing covering the two completely.

Bad inhaled slowly. “Sorry old friend…” He breathed, and stepped forward, carefully lifting the dark wing of the blond man, folding it back away from the two still eggs. He pulled the quilts higher around the two eggs, pausing for the briefest moments at their warmth.

He shook his head, taking a crumpled sheet and wrapping it around the deeply asleep man. The tall demon lifted the winged blonde, one arm under his knees, the other supporting his torso.

“Sorry little ones. Your papa will come back soon. I will make sure of it.” He whispered, then turned back to the waystone.

He warped away, arriving in a ruined hellscape. “I have him!” Bad called out, beginning to sprint toward a golden glow not far away.

“Bad!” The familiar voice of Foolish called out. The massive shark-totem hurried to escort Bad and his precious cargo to the structure that was almost complete.

Bad carefully set the blonde man down on the central slab of gray stone.

“I still don’t get why it has to be him.” Tubbo grumbled.

“He is touched by Death in a way that no other islander is, Tubbo.” Bad said. “Everyone ready?” he looked up at the torn group in various stages of injury, who nodded.

Cellbit, Baghera, Tina, Pierre, Maximus, Fit, Foolish, Etoiles, Charlie, Pac, Mike and Tubbo were all gathered around. Bad nodded. “Ok. Cellbit. Can you start us off? I will be last. Tubbo will need to- put down that sword. Phil will be most likely to follow where you point.”

Tubbo huffed, but nodded at Bad’s words.

Cellbit took a breath and straightened. He flipped the machete in his hands around and as a tear slid down his cheek, declared: “ONE for sorrow.” He plunged the blade into his gut. He collapsed on the floor, his life essence spinning out of his body, a small portion breaking off and absorbing into Philza’s sleeping body. The remainder coalesced above the bed nearby, forming into Cellbit once more. He hurried to gather his things from his dead body as Etoiles began to speak.

“TWO for mirth.” He chuckled, bringing up his code touched blade to his throat, slashing it with one quick movement. He crumpled like Cellbit, the same life essence show happening to Etoiles. He too respawned, hurrying to collect his gear and turn to face the lurking nightmares that were clawing to stop the ritual.

“THREE for a wedding.” Fit declared, squeezing Pac’s hand. He held out a titanium band to the dark haired brazilian, who gladly let Fit slip it onto his ring finger. Pac repeated the action, placing an almost identical ring on Fit’s finger. Fit nodded, and Pac blinked away tears, refusing to let any fall, as he took a step back, his Dreadbow appearing in his hand. He pulled back, a shadowy arrow appearing on the string. After a moment the arrow flashed red and Pac released the arrow, point blank at Fit’s head.

A bit of Fit’s life essence flowed to Philza, and he too respawned.

“FOUR for a birth.” Maximus declared. He took a step back away from the group, and his skin shred itself from the inside. Green ones and zeros danced across his flesh, cutting and eating his body, which spat out his life essence. A small bit of it surged toward Philza, the rest returning to Maximus’ reborn body.

“FIVE for silver.” Pierre declared, sloughing off his jacket, exposing his silver, robotic arms. He turned, the firelight catching his metal cheek. He flicked open a hatch on his chest, revealing the only fleshy part of him, his still beating heart. He extended a finger, and stabbed the fleshy organ, his eyes going dark. A bit of life essence joined the globe that was growing above the sleeping avian before Pierre jolted back to life.

“SIX for gold.” Foolish declared, squeezing the totem in his hand, before dropping it to the ground, unholstering his federation issued gun up, pointing it under his chin, squeezing the trigger.

He crumpled, his life essence roiling out of his dead body, a truly monstrous amount. The small amount that joined the growing lump above the comatose form on the altar barely a drop in the ocean of his life. He hurried to collect his things after respawn, joining Cellbit and Etoiles in guarding the ritual against the monsters.

“SEVEN a secret ne’er to be told.” Tina said, reaching up and untying the ribbon around the little cat ear points of her hairstyle, revealing a pair of sawed off stumps of demon horns.

Tina lifted a scythe that all gathered recognized as belonging to Bagi, and with a single movement, beheaded herself. She joined the others after respawn, her slender horns restored, nails lengthened into claws ready to tear the encroaching enemy apart.

“EIGHT for a wish.” Charlie declared, looking down at his code touched arms, thinking back to the little girl he wished so deeply to see again. He let his body dissolve into slime, then finally into nothingness. Upon respawn, the code infection was gone.

“NINE for a kiss.” Pac said, grasping Fit’s hand, leaning forward, deeply kissing the taller Floridian man. Fit enjoyed the moment, then revved his chainsaw and plunged it into Pac’s gut, ripping it to the side. Pac crumpled, and respawned.

“TEN a bird you must not miss~!” Baghera sang, spinning in place. She revved her chainsaw, spinning it in her grasp recklessly. Resulting in her chainsawing off her own head. She scooped up the still growling weapon upon her respawn, turning and brandishing it at the ever closing in monsters.

“ELEVEN for hope.” Mike said, looking down at the little bouquet of sunflowers. He flicked open a little vial, downing the glowing green contents. He collapsed like a puppet with cut strings, respawning after a moment.

Etoiles turned back toward the altar, opening his mouth to speak again.

“TWELVE for health.” Tubbo declared before Etoiles could speak. Etoiles and Bad froze, not daring to speak for fear that it would ruin the ritual.

Tubbo lifted his wrench, and began bashing in his skull. The others could only watch on silently as Tubbo quickly collapsed, his life essence hovering above his body. It was tiny, and became even smaller as a portion joined the almost complete orb above Philza.

Fit scooped up Foolish’s dropped totem, pressing it against Tubbo’s chest. The totem shattered, dragging Tubbo’s small life essence back down into his body. Tubbo gasped as he returned to life.

“THIRTEEN beware of the devil himself.” Bad said, as everyone else backed away. He lifted his hand to his chest, feeling heart thump thump. It felt like his heart was being both stabbed and shattered into multiple pieces. For the first time, he was dying from a broken heart.

His vision went dark as he heard the DOOM of the ritual completing.

The firelight that warded off the encroaching monsters winked out, plunging the clearing into darkness. One by one, the beings gathered lit torches and lanterns to illuminate the space once more.

Fit carefully helped Tubbo stand, everyone else backing away from the altar, allowing the two to face the now standing figure that had been laid on the slab.

Where before the Being’s bird features had been limited to dark wings and slightly clawed fingers, now He was truly an Angelic fusion of Man and Bird.

The only human skin visible was his hands and around his mouth; every inch of his body not covered by his clothing was covered with tiny, dark feathers. His single pair of wings, once quite large, had multiplied thrice, each of the six now spanning double what they once did. His hand flexed and a

Witnessing The Angel of Death walking upon the earth once more, those who had performed the ritual were thankful that the time for their Tapestries of Life to be bound off had not yet come. But they prepared to follow the being they had called to cut off the Tapestries of those who desired to stop the weaving of their own.

For they were a family, and were prepared to witness the beautiful weaving of this day…

#my fic #mcyt #qsmp #qsmp fanfiction #qsmp philza #qsmp badboyhalo #qsmp tubbo #other qsmp ccs have minor speaking roles #MIND THE WARNINGS ->#multiple character deaths #(deaths are non permanent)#suicide #ritualistic suicides #multiple suicides #ritual #violence #<- end of warnings #respawn mechanics #the islanders are not ok

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amberjazmyn · 27 days

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"i'm still here though, aren't i?"💔🫶

pairing : esteban ocon x fem!ocon reader, platonic f1 grid x fem!ocon reader, mick schumacher x fem!ocon reader

summary : esteban's teenage sister, lottie (collette), had attempted suicide and for the first time since it happened, the brother and sister got into a heated argument in the paddock because lottie refused to talk about it to her brother. this was the argument in which lottie realised just how wrong she was and why it hurt her older brother so much.

warnings : angst, older brother x esteban, fatherless x esteban, fatherless x lottie, failed suicide attempt, teenage sister, crying, yelling

a/n : this will be an awfully heavy one-shot so, like always, please read with caution or don't read at all. flashbacks to the event of lottie's attempt will be in italics, as will all the other flashbacks and the present time will be in normal font and everything will be in lowercase like all my sad ones have been recently. i love you all and please, stay safe

a/n : like i have already mentioned in the tags, from my knowledge, esteban's dad is still very much alive and he does not have a sister called lottie since esteban is actually an only child. i also had the thought of writing this for mick schumi but then realised it didn't sit right with me so i decided i'd do it for estie but i did make it that lottie is dating mick!

in hindsight, esteban should have known that there was something wrong with his teenage sister, lottie but, he just thought that he was becoming too much of a helicopter brother and turning into their deceased father. i mean, lottie is esteban's youngest sister and one of his two other remaining family members that were alive so, esteban didn't want to constantly get in his sister's way. he wanted her to have some freedom, especially now that she was eighteen, having just turned that age the day before her attempt. however, he should have realised that maybe, he shouldn't have been so far away from his beloved baby sister to the point where she felt like as a last resort to get her older brother's attention that she had to attempt suicide, let alone even think about it for esteban to realise that she still needs her older brother.

lottie's attempt

it was everything she could have ever wanted. the bathtub was nearly spilling over with water from the bath and the adjacent shower that was sure to run cold in minutes if not seconds. the razor blades, a mix of hers and her brothers, some knives big and small and something resembling an ice pick all rested on a side table that had been brought in, with a large envelope with letters that had been handwritten for every single person in lottie's life from her mum, deceased dad, her brother esteban and her f1 grid best friends all resting in clear view on the side table. she was all still dressed in what she had worn for her birthday dinner the night before, a sweet little white dress that had cut-outs on the side. carefully she stepped into the overflowing bathtub and she began to cut her wrists with one of the few razor blades that she had stolen from her brother's bathroom. lottie had been cutting at her wrists for the past few minutes before she realised she wasn't getting anywhere and she wasn't bleeding as much as she hoped she would. so, that was when she had to bring in the big guns, figuratively.

eighteen-year-old lottie ocon had somehow managed to find an ice pick in her family home and snuck it away into her room when no one was looking. she had grabbed the ice pick, about to stab through one of the major arteries that would have killed her if stabbed in the right place, when the noise of her brother and f1 grid best friends coming home scared her due to the loud front door closing. this then scared lottie, more than she'd ever admit to anyone which caused her to fumble with the ice pick, trying to grab it when it nicked her in the shoulder, causing her to scream and fall back into the bath. the scream obviously made everyone downstairs jump slightly in fear but none more so than esteban. without another second to think, alongside charles, they ran up the stairs and into the bathroom whilst pierre and lando took care of everything downstairs. the two eldest boys ran into esteban's bathroom and what they then saw wasn't something that would easily be erased from their memories.

"collette louisa rose ocon!" esteban's loud but worried voice called out, reverberating throughout the house as his sister, who had since fainted from the loss of blood and open wounds, lay unresponsive in the bathtub of her older brother's bathroom

"allez lottie! qu'est-ce que tu t'es fait?!" esteban calls out in french, his accent at its fullest as the two men walk upstairs and straight away, the two of them walk into esteban's bedroom as the majority of the time, he would come home after a long shooting day and either lottie would be asleep cuddled up to his girlfriend, her sister in law, or watching netflix come on lottie! what have you done to yourself?!

however, this time, the tv nor anything else was on to suggest that the scream had come from a tv show or even a youtube video. this obviously sparked the worst fear and unsettling feeling in esteban especially because he knew that flava was with her parents and extended family. the unsettling feeling also capturing charles as the feeling only made them rush into that room that much quicker. once it was realised that none of the downstairs tvs were on so something had to have happened to lottie. it had to be something bad because that scream now could have only come from her.

without even thinking about the fact that his sister could be right in front of the bathroom door about to come out to say it was all a big misunderstanding or that nothing was really wrong, esteban took his chance and kicked in his bathroom door. this then revealed something that was both from his nightmares and only ever seen in the tv and movies that he watched. esteban's entire body almost inwardly collapsed as he tried to think as rationally as he could to get help for his little sister. charles immediately without a second to think, blink or breathe, yanked his phone from his pocked and dialled 112, requesting the closest ambulance whilst esteban attempted to grab his sister's collapsed, wet, bloodied unconscious body out of the bath. which, as you can imagine, ended up being more of a challenge than both men thought. especially when they considered the fact that lottie was fully dressed and the mixture of being completely soaked making her that much heavier to pick up.

"…estie, les ambulanciers ont été appelés, l'ambulance la plus proche est à trois minutes. est-ce que…as-tu besoin d'un coup de main?" charles calls out, calm and collected as he places his phone to the ground aimlessly to see that esteban was more than struggling to get his younger sister out of the bathtub in his bathroom estie, the paramedics have been called, their closest ambulance is three minutes away. do...do you need a hand?

"s'il te plaît, charles? je suis tellement confuse, qu'est-ce qu'elle a fait, putain?" esteban mumbled to himself as he tried to figure out what his sister could have even done to herself to draw this amount of blood please charles? i'm so confused, what...what did she fucking do?

after assisting esteban with removing lottie from the bathtub and to the frenchman's bed, charles had caught onto the things that were resting next to the bathtub and the bathroom sink. he almost choked on his own voice which caught esteban's attention as he looked up from stroking lottie's hair as he sat next to her on his bed.

"tu vas bien charles? tu as trouvé quelque chose?" esteban spoke up as he tried to attend to his little sister and dry her before the paramedics arrived you alright charles? did you find something?

"estie, il y a un mélange de tes lames de rasoir, ses lames de rasoir, un assortiment de couteaux et… et un pic à glace… elle a trouvé un pic à glace, se poignardant car elle n'était pas satisfaite que ses lames de rasoir et ses couteaux ne soient pas faisant tout ce qu'elle voulait, alors elle a essayé de se poignarder directement…" charles trailed off, really making esteban feel sick estie, there's a mix of your razor blades, her razor blades, an assortment of knives and...and an ice pick...she found an ice pick, stabbing herself since she felt unsatisfied that her razor blades and knives weren't doing as much as she wanted them to so she tried to directly stab herself

"...how...how did she even know what an ice pick is, let alone find one, charles?" esteban stammered out, not even able to be mad or blame anyone as charles just shook his head, not knowing either how...how did she even know what an ice pick is, let alone find one, charles?

"je..je ne sais pas estie, je…je n'aurais jamais imaginé qu'un membre de ta famille en possède un, alors où l'a-t-elle trouvé?" charles was just as flabbergasted that his best friend's younger sister could have found an ice pick just like how esteban was shocked that his sister could find it i...i don't know estie, i...i would have never imagined anyone in your family owning one so where did she find it?

"elle était clairement très intelligente et particulière à ce sujet," charles mumbled as esteban nodded his head as the two of them then focused back over to lottie who was still unconscious and unresponsive when esteban realised something she was clearly very smart and particular about it though

it confused him because it was very obvious that, where her stab wound from the ice pick was, was not where she was clearly intending for it to be. then it clicked in esteban's head, realising what his little sister had tried to do and it made him dizzy, feel sick and choke on his tears. his eyes then followed his sister to the bathroom sink where charles had previously found the ice pick, knives and razor blades and then found an envelope. this moment was when it seemed like it all finally connected and made sense to esteban and it was a connection that seemed to be all too obvious as well. lottie's accident was anything but an accident.

esteban finally realised that she had done this all on purpose because she was trying to commit suicide but, ultimately failed. this all made sense when he thought about the stab wound in lottie's shoulder, she wouldn't have ever stabbed herself in the shoulder if she wanted to kill herself, no one would, she was obviously trying to get her neck or an artery where she would have died instantly. it seemed as if the moment that he and the grid had walked into the house that the door slamming due to the loud winds outside scared lottie, hence the failed stab wound on her part. however, esteban had never been so grateful for the fact he had caught his sister on time, he couldn't lose another family member for the second time in the span of a couple of years, not again. he was also glad when the loud intrusive noises of the ambulance sirens were heard, it meant that his sister had the possibility of being saved. charles also had a moment to breathe as well as what he had seen was also traumatising for him, sure, he wasn't actually lottie's biological brother or family, and neither were the other f1 drivers but, those boys are the closest things to esteban.

present time

despite being discharged from the hospital for about two months now, lottie was still stuck on the fact that she didn't owe anyone an explanation of what happened so, she refused to talk about what happened and why she did what she did. this was something that the extended f1 grid family understood because it was a boundary for her and, they didn't push it. however, esteban, her brother, did because that's his little sister, of course, he was going to push it because he wanted an answer from his sister. something, anything, just one little thing that could satisfy him enough that he could breathe and go to sleep easier at night without worrying about something else horrible happening to his sister. and go into a race weekend without having to worry about whether or not his sister is okay. however, lottie wasn't ready to provide an answer for her brother just yet and, usually, esteban would 100% understand that but, this time, he couldn't let it go. the last time that happened, he nearly lost his baby sister, his only sibling, and was almost a suicide statistic. that was something he did not want, not at all, not again, especially since their dad was part of the heart attack death statistic. he wasn't wanting to take that chance again only to possibly lose his sister again.

"...lottie, fille ange, pouvons-nous discuter s'il te plaît?" esteban suddenly asks his sister as she had come into the paddock to watch the race easier, having a chat with her sister-in-law flava and kika, pierre's girlfriend lottie, angel girl, can we have a chat please?

"bien sûr que nous pouvons estie, quoi de neuf?" lottie smiled, saying a quick goodbye to flava and kika before sitting down on the bench next to her brother sure we can estie, what's up?

"je sais que ça fait deux mois que c'est arrivé, l'accident. je comprends que tu refuses de m'en parler et que tu dis toujours que tu ne dois d'explication à personne. ce n'est pas moi qui vous fais délibérément en parler en détail, mais pouvez-vous juste me donner quelque chose… n'importe quoi comme raison pour laquelle vous pensiez que votre vie était si insignifiante que vous avez fait le choix que vous avez fait?" esteban spoke calmly, he wasn't raising his voice, he wasn't making a scene, he was just simply and kindly asking his sister a question that had been eating at his insides for an entire two months i know that it's been two months since it happened, the accident. i understand that you refuse to talk to me about it and that you always say you don't owe anyone an explanation. this is not me purposefully making you talk about it in full detail but, can you just give me something...anything as a reason why you though your life was so insignificant that you made the choice that you did?

lottie, however, didn't hear and process that question the same way. she saw that as her brother invading and attacking her personal space. and, she hated it on the outside even though her insides were just waiting to hear it because she just wanted to be heard but at the same time, she didn't because of how stubborn she is.

"estie, s'il te plaît, arrête! je ne suis pas prêt à en parler, alors pouvons-nous, s'il vous plaît, ne pas avoir cette conversation, surtout ici?" lottie begged as she gulped, obviously embarrassed over the fact that she was in the paddock of a grand prix and it was being talked about - not because of what she did estie, please, stop! i'm not ready to talk about it so, can we please not have this conversation, especially here?

"lottie, je t'ai donné ton espace et ton temps même si cela me donne mal au ventre chaque jour! peux-tu s'il te plaît juste me donner quelque chose? fais-moi comprendre ta version de l'histoire. est-ce que tu comprends au moins ce que tu as fait?" esteban slightly raises his voice which makes lottie panic slightly because, in all truthfulness, the girl had no real understanding or concept of the consequences her suicide attempt had lottie, i've given you your space and time even though it has made me sick to my stomach every single day! can you please just give me something? make me understanding your sie of the story. do you even understand what you did?

"je comprends ce que j'ai fait et cela m'énerve chaque jour où j'ai échoué. pourquoi penses-tu que j'ai essayé en premier lieu?" now lottie was raising her voice and it was becoming quite clear that at this point, she was not meaning what she was saying - she didn't even realise the words she was even saying, she literally just wanted to one-up her brother i do understand what i did and it annoys me every single day that i failed. why do you think i attempted it in the first place?

"lottie, fille ange, tu ne veux pas dire ça!" esteban was getting more and more agitated, lottie could tell and whilst it broke her heart, it made her want to fight him even more so, she did lottie, angel girl, you don't mean that!

"je le pense vraiment, esteban ! si seulement vous n'étiez pas tous les quatre rentrés à la maison au bon moment et qu'il n'y avait pas autant de vent, le pic à glace ne m'aurait pas entaillé l'épaule. cela m'aurait frappé directement dans l'artère carotide et je serais mort en quelques minutes, voire quelques secondes!" lottie's voice was loud, it was aggressive, it was mean and there was no ounce of regret or remorse for what she said and it hurt everyone that heard it i really do mean it, esteban! if only it wasn't for the fact that all of you boys came home at the exact right time and it wasn't so windy, the ice pick wouldn't have nicked my shoulder. it would've got me straight in the carotid artery and i would have been dead within minutes if not seconds!

lottie was smart, of course, she was! her mum was a stay at home mum but was nevertheless a smart cookie and her dad, when he was still alive was a mechanic before they sold it so they could support esteban's motorsport passion. and of course, esteban was also a very intelligent man. however, sometimes, lottie overshoot herself and make choices that came from only hearing one person's point of view. which is what was happening right now which caused her to be confused and hard-headed. it was very obvious that what lottie was saying right now was nothing remotely close to what she'd usually say, even if it sounded and looked as if she meant it without any regret. right now she'd usually be trying to backtrack or explain herself which would sometimes cause her to breakdown. lottie knew that no matter what, she'd always be given the comfort she needed and the forgiveness even after her suicide attempt and the way she was acting right now.

"collette louisa rose ccon, réalises-tu les dommages du choix que tu as fait il y a deux mois? comprenez-vous la douleur que cela m'a fait subir?" nicky's voice was going up an octave due to his emotions slowly taking over as he stood up collette louisa rose ocon, do you realise the damage from that choice you made two months ago? do you understand the pain it put me through?

"peut-être que oui, et peut-être pas, mais je suis toujours là, n'est-ce pas?" lottie screeched as she also stood up to match her brother whilst esteban stood back in shock as he shook his head maybe i do and maybe i don't but i'm still here though, aren't i?

"oui, tu es là! je suis putain de content que tu sois encore en vie, mais si tu comprends et écoute vraiment ce que je vais dire ensuite, alors tu comprendras vraiment le chagrin, la douleur, l'horreur et l'anxiété dans lesquels tu m'as mis, ainsi que chaque conducteur ce paddock à travers!" esteban paused as lottie locked her jaw as she braced herself for what her brother was going to say next yes, you are here! i'm fucking glad you're still alive but if you just understand and really listen to what i'm going to say next, then you'll truly understand the grief, pain, horror and anxiety you put me and every single driver in this paddock through!

"collette, non seulement tu as volé un pic à glace à je ne sais même pas où ni qui et tu as attrapé tous les couteaux que tu pouvais trouver, mais tu as aussi brisé tous les rasoirs de ma salle de bain et tu as emmené ce putain de pic à glace dans ce qui était à l'origine ta carotide artère et de vous poignarder dans ma baignoire après avoir réalisé que le simple fait de vous couper n'allait pas vous tuer ni vous satisfaire suffisamment. tu n'as aucune idée à quel point Charles et moi avons été horrifiés quand nous avons entendu ce cri et t'avons vu allongé là, inconscient, dans ma baignoire remplie d'eau ensanglantée…" collette, you not only stole an ice pick from i don't even know where or who and grabbed any knife you could find, but you also broke apart every single razor in my bathroom and took that fucking ice pick to what was originally your carotid artery and stab yourself in my bathtub after you realised that just cutting yourself wasn't going to kill yourself or satisfy you enough. you have no idea how horrified charles and i were when we heard that scream and saw you laying there just unconscious in my bathtub that was filled with bloodied water

"...esteban--"

"--non! collette, tu ne parles pas parce que tu ne sembles pas comprendre la gravité des conséquences de tes actes d'il y a deux mois!" no! collette, you don't get to speak because you don't seem to grasp the seriousness of the consequences of your actions from two months ago!

"vous n'avez aucune idée à quel point pierre et lando ont eu peur lorsqu'ils ont également entendu ce cri venant d'en bas alors qu'ils regardaient charles et moi nous précipiter dans les escaliers pour t'aider, pour être sûrs que tu restes en vie! vous n'avez aucune idée du nombre de larmes que j'ai pleuré dans cet hôpital, du nombre d'heures que j'ai passées éveillées à espérer et à prier tous les dieux auxquels je pouvais penser, en espérant juste que vous vous réveilliez!" you have no clue how scared pierre and lando were when they also heard that scream from downstairs as they watched charles and i rush up those stairs to help you, to make sure you stayed alive! you don't have any clue how many tears i cried at that hospital, how many hours i spent laying awake hoping and praying to any and every god i could think of, just hoping that you would wake up!

"combien de cauchemars ai-je fait dans lesquels je me précipitais dans cette pièce et ne parvenais pas à te sauver? combien d'heures ai-je passé assis dans cette horrible chaise inconfortable, mon corps tout entier étant engourdi parce que je n'avais pas bougé un seul membre de ce siège? la dernière fois que je me suis senti aussi impuissant, c'est quand j'ai dû sauter et sprinter hors de ma putain de voiture de formule 1 après avoir découvert que quelque chose n'allait pas avec papa, puis on m'a dit qu'il s'était effondré au travail et qu'il était mort plus tard, collette." how many nightmates i had about me running into that room and not being able to save you? how many hours i spent sitting in that god-awful comfortable chair, my entire body going numb because i didn't move one single limb off of that seat? the last time i felt this helpless was when i had to jump and sprint out of my fucking formula one car after finding out something was wrong with dad then being told he collapsed at work and then later died, collette

"i am trying, i am trying so fucking hard to take care of you on my own without mum to make sure you are happy. i am so desperately sorry that whatever it was that i did had made you feel this way and that was what you had to do to get my attention. if it was my fault, i will take full responsibility for it but, please, just give me one little piece of anything that will tell me why you thought writing those suicide letters and trying to kill yourself was the right thing to do. just so i can go to sleep and my races without the crippling fear that you'll try to do it again when i'm asleep or in the car and not able to help you causing me to only be left with one less family member. please, i beg you, collette, just talk to me..." esteban's anger trailed away as did his agitated french as he spoke in english as he saw the way his sister's face changed as tears welled in her eyes

this was the first time since it happened that lottie was finally able to comprehend the consequences of her suicide attempt had actually done to everyone. this comprehension of her consequences scared the living crap out of her and now she understood what everyone else was going through. finally, it had sunk into her head that she did try to kill herself with an ice pick that even she couldn't remember where she found it and that she was originally aiming for her carotid artery after the scars on her arm weren't as effective as she thought they would be before resorting to the ice pick. she couldn't even say anything before she let her head tipped to the floor as she started to cry. esteban stepping two steps forward as he held her as her cries got louder, not able to find it within herself to stop crying.

"...i...i am so sorry esteban," she whimpered out in english as her soft, tearful apology broke esteban's heart into millions of tiny pieces as he hugged his sister tightly, grateful that the race wasn't actually going to continue due to the prolonged red flag

"oh, lottie, angel, ssh. it's okay," esteban spoke softly as he hugged his little sister as tightly as he ever had before whilst everyone else just watched on hoping that the both of them would stop their fighting

"no esteban, it wasn't okay and it'll never be okay. i...i had no reason to even think like that," lottie sobbed out as she hadn't clutched onto her brother's shirt this tight in years

"you're human, lottie, that's all you need to be told to know that what you were feeling was incredibly valid. in fact, i am so incredibly sorry that i didn't see the signs earlier. i love you so much collette louisa rose ocon, i really do. you are my entire world, you are one of the very last things that dad helped bless me with and if i was to be on this earth without you, i...i really don't know how i'd still be able to breathe every day. you along with mum and my f1 family are my one reason, the only thing in have and need to know that i am allowed to smile and continue on with my life. and that is because lottie, you are my little sister! i love you so incredibly much and whilst you scare me half the time *tearful giggles* i wouldn't want to change anything about you because i can't. all i can do is siply guide you through life like mum and dad and just hope that what i'm doing is right. you are such an intelligent girl that i truly do worry about you but my god, you have no clue how thankful i am that your eyes opened on that day two months ago! i am so beyond thankful that you woke up..." esteban trailed off as lottie managed to calm herself down but remained silent in her brother's embrace, ignoring that most likely this had been filmed by the f1 media and was being aired live as they moved back to sit down

two months ago

it seemed as though esteban would be waiting an eternity before his little sister would open her eyes and wake up from the coma she had been placed in after her suicide attempt. right at this moment, however, esteban didn't care how long it took as he wouldn't be moving a single muscle until his sister's gorgeous blue eyes opened, which the entire family had inherited, and looked back into his own blue eyes. he didn't care that he was losing sleep, that he was constantly dehydrated from refusing food and drink and all the tears he was crying. he didn't care that his entire body was slowly becoming numb due to staying in the same position day in and day out. the older brother was even refusing to work because he didn't want to miss the moment his sister opened her eyes. he was adamant that his little sister was going to pull through and recover from her attempt and live another day. esteban just wanted some belief that his little sister wasn't going to die on him, he had already been through that with their father.

he really didn't want to go through it a second time for another year because that year with the loss of not just their dad but so many good friends which were so traumatic that he almost gave up his own life before lottie, still unbeknownst to her, literally saved his life. he never wanted his sweet, precious little sister, his innocent and loving little collete louisa rose to be subjected to such pain, the same one that he had from their dad's death that it never registered in his mind that she was also hurting from their dad's death which he ignored. obviously unintentionally as he'd never intentionally ignore his sister, ever. but this time, he was just so caught up in his own way of taking care of business whilst trying to stay afloat that he, completely forgot that lottie was going through the same exact thing but maybe just that much more because of how young she was when their dad died at seventeen.

"lottie, angel, i...i am so sorry!" esteban's exhausted, desperate voice apologised, his head resting on his sister's bed as he begged for the little (eighteen-year-old) girl to just open her eyes

"i'm so sorry that i was so ignorant of your feelings and how much you were missing dad! i...i just got so caught up in everything that i-"

"-estie?" a soft, delicate but barely audible voice grabbed esteban's attention

straight away, his head snapped up and the second his faded blue eyes met with his sister's faded blue eyes, he almost choked on his words

"lottie?" his weak voice whispered as lottie struggled to push herself up against the bed's frame, esteban fully straightened himself out as he was still trying to comprehend what happened

lottie's vision blurred, as did esteban's, as she tried to figure out in her head where she was when, it did finally click in her head where she was, ignoring what she had done. all she allowed herself to know was that she was in the hospital in monaco.

"lottie!" esteban's voice cracked as lottie moved closer to her brother and he also moved closer as esteban hugged his sister, a hug that had been long overdue

"i...i am so sorry!" lottie whispered into the hug as all esteban cared about right now was that his sister was awake, knowing that for a while, lottie would be very stubborn, ignorant and pretend it didn't exist so, for her, that's what he did as well

"no, no, it's okay! don't apologise angel! you're awake, that's all that matters to me!" esteban cooed as a nurse must have realised that lottie had woken up as within a couple of minutes, lottie was having her vitals checked and was taken off of all the extra tubes she was attached to as it was very obvious she was now awake after they had taken her out of the coma the night before

however, she was having to stay in the hospital for a while in the suicide watch ward just to make sure she was safe enough on her own which, she and esteban understood perfectly. it just meant that by the time she was discharged that she'd have a lot of explaining to do, not just to herself but, also to her f1 grid family.

lottie's twenty-first birthday

today was the third anniversary of lottie's failed suicide attempt as well as the day after her twenty-first birthday which was a big deal for her and her family. meaning that in another two months' time, it was going to be the "anniversary" of the argument that the brother and sister had about the said suicide attempt. since that day, the two of them, esteban and lottie, had been going to therapy and not once was it regretted. it worked so well that not once did the brother or sister hold back on their feelings and, it truthfully brought the two of them unexplainably closer together.

however, there was one singular thing that stood out to esteban the most about his sister's attempt those three years ago. it was something she had said at one of the therapy sessions she had invited charles, esteban's teammate and one of her f1 brothers, who had also found her that day three years ago. despite how soul-destroyingly simple it was, it made so much sense and everything clicked in the two men's heads. the mantra that every single person had told her after losing their dad, that it was going to get better and that everything was going to be okay, had been lost so far down into lottie's mind. to the point that she forgot that she had been given permission to not be okay and feel like nothing was going to get better that it had confused her and meddled with her mind. for so long that it felt like nothing was working for her anymore that the only option that she thought was going to help her was to try and kill herself.

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estebanocon collette louisa rose ocon, my sweet angel. twenty-one years ago yesterday i was given the biggest blessing in the entire world, i was given you, my little sister. whilst you have gone through so much in the last three years, i couldn't have been any prouder of how you've gotten up off the floor and continued on. you inspire me every single day and i know you inspire every single person in our family, both blood-related and extended f1 family. i know i always say this but, you are truly the reason why me and mum are able to wake up every morning and smile. i know we've had it rough, especially with dad's death a few years ago, the losses of other friends and your suicide attempt three years ago today as well as your birthday yesterday. i am so proud of the way you've handled all of these hardships whilst also being so positive at the same time. since the attempt three years ago, you've never once allowed yourself to give up because you want to prove to that scared little eighteen-year-old lottie that you are strong and that you can do everything and anything you put your mind to because you are lottie louisa rose ocon and we never give up, ever! i know mum is proud of you, as am i but, never forget how proud dad is of you. we are so grateful that we were blessed with you as my sister and daughter. i know you had an amazing birthday yesterday but have fun in greece with the girls and your boyfriend and i hope all of your wishes come true. i love you forever and a day lottie, i love you every single day 🤍🤍

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colletteocon aw, estie, you are my favourite person in the entire world! i love you so much and thank you for being such an amazing older brother! i never take you for granted, love you most estie 🤍🤍

estebanocon colletteocon🤍🤍 i'm glad to be your favourite person in the world

charlesleclerc happy twenty-first lottie lots! have an amazing weekend and drink responsibly 🤍🤍

pierregasly happy birthday lottie! what a sweet birthday message this is esteban!

francisca.cgomes this is so precious. happy birthday my sweet lottie louisa 🤍🤍

flava.barla happy twenty-first sister-in-law! be safe in greece 🤍🤍

username this was such a sweet post for your sister, esteban!

liked by estebanocon, mickschumacher, sebastianvettel, maxverstappen1, charlesleclerc, pierregasly, flava.barla and 14k others

colletteocon you turn twenty-one, travel to greece and live your mamma mia fantasy with your besties and boyfriend! 📸 mickschumacher

happy twenty-first for yesterday collette louisa rose ocon. it makes me so happy to see you turn twenty-one. three years ago, you weren't even thinking this far ahead or even making nineteenth but, you did. now you're twenty-one and whilst you have been able to drink since you were eighteen, you can now drink in america! you used to be so shy, anxious, depressed, insecure and suicidal and you didn't like having any attention to yourself. now, at twenty-one, you've grown up to be so sassy, gorgeous, confident, loving, courageous, happy and a hilarious young woman who has a smoking hot lad for a boyfriend, even better that he's also an f1 driver, mick, one amazing brother esteban and another entire group of people who you call your family who has seen you grown up as you live your best life and i couldn't be prouder of you.

it's also been a couple of years since dad died, since others we love have died and three years since you thought the entire world would be better without you so you tried to stab yourself in the neck. you ended up fumbling with the ice pick and nicked your shoulder because your older brother and f1 brothers had all come home at the same time, and the mixture of the strong winds and the closing of the door scared you. you were admitted to the hospital for two months but after turning nineteen, twenty and now twenty-one, you are so beyond grateful that you survived the attempt. you don't regret the attempt because both you and esteban promised that after that day, you'd live without regrets, you just wished that you felt confident in talking to esteban or someone else about your emotions and the things that you had happening inside of your brain that could have prevented the suicide attempt. you can't even begin to imagine the thought process that would have been going through esteban and charles' heads but as well as the rest of your best friends heads the second they heard your scream reverberate through the house. just thinking about it makes you nauseous and upsets you, so you don't like to think about it often, but when you do, you always find yourself apologising. no longer to your brother and family but, to yourself for ever feeling that sad that you thought killing yourself was the best option when it's very clear now that, that choice was the worst choice you could have ever tried to make.

happy twenty-first collette louisa rose ocon. you deserve all the happiness in the world, even if it took a mile run, a deep underwater swim and a struggle to get here, i'm glad you made it safely. i love you forever and a day you gorgeous angel 🤍🤍

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estebanocon i am so proud of you lottie. this post made me cry just so you know. but i love you so much and i hope you, mick and the girls have an amazing time in greece 🤍🤍

colletteocon estebanocon i love you too esteban and i'm also proud of myself! and we are having the best time in greece thank you 🤍🤍

mickschumacher i love you, babe! i am so glad you're still here, you make my world so much brighter every single day 🤍🤍

colletteocon mickschumacher thank you, my love! and you make my world so much brighter every day 🤍🤍

sebastianvettel ain't no way you're twenty-one! happy birthday lottie, i'm glad you're still here with us chickadee 🤍🤍

colletteocon sebastianvettel ain't no way you still love me? thank you uncle seb, i'm glad too 🤍🤍

maxverstappen1 who said you could post this? don't be making me so emotional now!

colletteocon maxverstappen1 i did? and i'm sorry okay!!!

charlesleclerc uhhh who said you could turn twenty-one? because last time i checked, i thought i banned you from turning another year older?! seriously though, i'm always going to be glad knowing that you're still here 🤍🤍

colletteocon charlesleclerc the circle of life? and thank you charlie, i am as well 🤍🤍

pierregasly happy twenty-first lottie! have fun and be safe in greece!

colletteocon pierregasly thank you pierre! and i don't think its actually legal for me to have fun without you and the rest of the grid but i'll try ;)

flava.barla happy twenty-first babe! be safe and don't be too sexy in greece, i know what you and schumi are like together ;)

colletteocon flava.barla flava! how would you know what me and my boyfriend do?! do you stalk us you creepy little snake?! 😂

it's okay to struggle but, it is not okay to stop the fight. one wise man once told me to always keep fighting and you should do the same because it's pretty cool.

fin

that's a wrap! i have not rewritten this one in a while and i do apologise for putting poor estie bestie through the wringer of my angsty rollarcoaster. next time i write for estie it won't be this sad!

#formula one #esteban ocon #angst #mentions of minor character death #if any of these topics trigger you please do not read because it is not my fault if these triggers and warnings are ignored #esteban's dad is very much still alive fyi #mentions of suicide attempt #failed suicide attempt #yelling #crying

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