#mine was a gift from my MIL

[of-lillies-and-remains]

can we talk about how standmixerbrained some baking recipes are??? you do not need a stand mixer to make cookies. I can appreciate that it's a really excellent tool for people with disabilities and chronic pain. but the way a lot of recipes are written make it seem like you can't make a goddamn snickerdoodle without a $300 kitchenaid.

[saintobio]

the biker's book club, feat. l&ds sylus.

pairings. sylus, fem!reader genre. fluff, smut, biker au, 18+ tags. petnames (kitten), unprotected sex, spitting, hair-pulling, consensual filming, creampie, dirty talk, possessiveness, violence, slight yandere themes, impregnation notes. ik he’s probably into cafe racers but the sportbike enthusiast in me thinks biker!sylus is the m*tthew w*ods of l&ds, booktok/biketok girlies iykyk

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who collects liter bikes like they’re toys; he’d usually get rid of them as soon as he gets bored, but his current favs are his black & red edition fireblade, m1000rr, and superleggera v4.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who got famous on booktok overnight after posting a video of him riding his bike through the tunnel with a half-buttoned shirt. the view offered a peek on his toned chest and abs, leaving the rest to an innocent girl’s imagination. the comments on that post are wild, and the views went up to 2 mil in a day.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who broke numerous girls’ hearts literally a day after that post, revealing that he already has a backpack (you) and that his sunset and midnight rides are exclusively booked for his girlfriend.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who eventually taught you how to ride your own bike, gifting you a white N400 on your birthday—a bike he calls “too slow” for him, but is actually fast enough for a beginner like you.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who once chased a car for nearly rear-ending you on a red-light. as soon as he saw how the car almost hit you from behind, the loud and chilling roar of his bike bolted you in surprise as he accelerated to chase after the car, breaking the asshole’s side mirror, and teaching him a ‘lesson’.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who always keeps a possessive eye on you, always riding within his acceptable distance because the last time he allowed you to ride ahead of him, some guy on a Ford 150 tried to ask for your number, calling you a hot biker girl he hopes to have a ‘good time’ with. that didn’t end well for the poor guy, because the interaction was cut short when sylus revved his bike, lane splitting between you and the car, and running over the guy’s outstretched arm along the way. he might’ve broken a bone or two, who knows?

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who owns a springfield .45 gun, and claims he has no problems shooting another guy’s head if they dared touch even a single strand of your hair. he’s a very territorial individual and would not think twice on committing a crime if it meant protecting what’s his.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who’s hated by his neighbors, both because of how loud his bike gets in the morning, and how loud his girl can get during the evening. he doesn’t care though, because the sound of your moans were actually music to his hears. he swears he has to hear them every night or he won’t be able to sleep well.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who gets very kissy and touchy whenever you two arrive at home, unable to keep his hands to himself while you’re still parking your bike beside his. his lips would go straight to your neck, placing feathered kisses on your skin, tickling you with his warm breath as he tells you, “you know you’re mine, right?” of course you’d say you’re his. and he always follows up with a reminder, “good, because i’d kill any son of a bitch who tries to steal you from me.”

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who loves to fuck you raw, rough, and fast. he always had you gripping on the sheets, or scratching his back, or screaming out his name in a salacious escape to release your earth-shattering, mind-blowing orgasm. he always had your legs shaking, your body twitching, your breasts bouncing with each slam as he doesn’t stop pounding into you even after you came. he adores the sight of your beautiful, begging face each time he buries his hardened cock inside of your sweet, sweet pussy. “my kitten’s being too needy, huh?” he’d whisper to your ear before meeting your hips with another satisfying thrust. “always a slut for me.”

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who likes to spit on your mouth, pull your hair, and slap your bum. they’re some of his many kinks, and he can get nastier if he wants to, but he’d often say he’d rather save the best on your wedding night.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who enjoys filming your extremely erotic moments together, claiming that he needed to revisit those videos for when he misses you. his favorite content seems to be when he’s cumming inside of you, shooting every drop of his thick seed straight through your womb. kitten, you’re so tight, he’d think to himself. he goes even crazier for the view whenever he pulls out and sees his own semen dripping out of your swollen entrance.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who makes you breakfast the next morning after a long, passionate night. he always seems to cook the perfect pancakes, like he had specifically mastered the skill after you told him that pancakes were your favorite choice for breakfast.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who proudly displays you on social media, and bluntly rejects every girl who’d leave thirsty comments on his posts. he gets a little too sassy for their liking, but he doesn’t really give a damn about hurting another girl’s feelings if it were to protect yours.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who lets you ‘break’ his masculine ego by allowing you to paint his nails, give him skin care, or place cute, tiny, heart-shaped clips all over his hair whenever you were in the mood to. he’d just stare at you the whole time, amused at how you’d treat him like your own ken doll.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus whose immediate response when you told him you’re pregnant was “do you think it’s a baby girl?” there was no ounce of surprise in his eyes, no scintilla of worry at the thought of being an unexpected father, clearly, because he should already see it coming especially with how sexually active you two are. he really wants a baby girl, too. and a boy next. so while you were nearly horrified at seeing your positive pregnancy test thinking he’d ask you to terminate it, his calm and loving reaction to your unexpected baby was what made you realize that there was nothing else you could ever want in a man.

𓆩♡𓆪 biker!sylus who, on the very next day, asked you to try and test start your bike because he thinks something’s ‘wrong’ with it. you hurried to check your bike, of course. little did you know, the keychain strapped onto your key had been replaced, now with a new, embroidered keychain bearing the words, “marry me?”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the asshole to have a luxurious celibacy party with my (ex) future in law's money instead of a wedding ? 👰👯

Sorry for any grammar mistake, English is not my first language.

My(29F) partner(29M) of 12 years cheated on me. I caught him a few months before the wedding and called everything off.

My ask is more about my in-laws and appearing like a gold digger so I will spend some time explaining my relationship with them. I don't care about what my ex thinks. He is dead to me.

My ex's family is old money, mine is blue collar. His family has always been really nice and welcoming.

Aside from a few family vacations paid for me here and there, I never benefited financially from their wealth. For gift-giving occasions they were tactfully giving me sentimental gifts, so I could return the favor and match with them in term of budget.

His parents wanted to teach their future heir the value of money, and he didn't have access to the family funds during his studies. They were even frugal in his allowance (he obv couldn't qualify for scholarship) and we both had to take jobs during our studies to support ourselves (my scholarships didn't cover for all expenses). I got my diploma before him (shorter studies) and supported him financially during the last three years of his studies. He has had a (very) high earning job and access to family funds for a year.

When he finished his studies, we started to plan for the wedding.

His family wanted an extravagant wedding, I would have preferred a smaller event, my fiance had no opinion. I finally accepted because it made his family so happy, and like I said they have always been very good to me. I even ended up having a lot of fun with my ex MIL and SIL planning for things. I mostly referred to them as what was a "must have" for a wedding even if most of this seemed like a rich people extravagance to me.

The plan was for us (me and cheater) to pay 50% of the wedding. My parents were paying for 5% (I wouldn't dare tell them how much the whole thing was worth but they insisted to contributing). My IL were paying for the other 45%. I wanted to pay more, but my FIL told me that I let them have their way with the guest list and as such more than half of the guests were strictly theirs so it made sense that they were paying for them.

Then I caught him…

Obviously, no wedding will be happening but it's too late to cancel most stuff : venue, food, guest accommodation, dress, musicians, horses (yes. Horses. Rich people I swear).

My in-laws told me they are taking full responsibility for their son's cheating and will pay the whole wedding themselves. My ex SIL, who is also my best friend told me in confidence that they plan to make my ex reimburse them every penny.

I asked my MIL if I could keep the venue and organize a smaller event with my closest friends. She agreed.

I am calling it a celibacy party but the truth is I am devastated by what's happening. Full blown panick attack and crying myself to sleep…

I want a nice day outside with my friends and their children having fun. My family was overjoyed to finally have a joyfull family reunion for once, and I wanted to keep that. My niece (SIL's daughter whose I am the godmother of) plans to color my glorious useless white wedding dress with finger paints.

I suggested to my IL to come during the day event as our family has been blended long before we decided to make it official. My IL politely refused which yeah I understand. I didn't expected them to come, it was more to suggest them subtlety that I still want they in my life and I don't consider them responsible for their son's cheating.

Maybe the night event will be less kid friendly and I do intend to party hard in case it could make me forget the last twelve years of my life with my ex. There will be single men (close friends and family), and a lot of alcohol obviously but I don't see myself hooking up with anyone I would have previously invited TO MY OWN WEDDING. There will also be my previous ex, that I dated when we were 12 and who while celibate, is fully homosexual.

My ex learned about the plan and called me furious. He called me names (I don't care about the names a cheater calls me), but he said that it was a slap in the face of his parents and it makes me look like a gold digger. He also said that people will talk and my in-laws would look like fools among their guests when they will learn what happened in place of a wedding.

It makes me second guess myself. I asked again my in-laws and they told me that the event was mine, I could marry someone else at this venue and they couldn't blame me. I pressed again my SIL for her parents' true opinion (After all this time I struggle to understand rich people speak) : she admitted that they do think it's a bit in poor taste (That's the worst insult in rich people language) but my SIL told me it's still in better taste than putting your dick in some luxury sex-worker without condom a few months before your wedding (ex might have a love child with Another woman. It's a full shitshow but it's not mine anymore)

I am certain most people will call me NTA, as my ex SIL did, but I wonder if older people from richer backgrounds (and who are not my best friend) would agree… I do love my ex IL and I don't know how I will manage it but I want to keep them in my life and would cancel this stupid breakup party in a blink if I have to. I am not sure if tumblr has a lot of people fluent in old-fashioned old-money tradition, but it's still worth a shot. I am at still undecided about the whole thing and might change my opinion 13 times till this ask is published…

[hoeforhao]

Tum Se Hi (Its about you, Just about you) J.W.W

୨୧pairing : co-worker!wonwoo × g.n reader

୨୧author's note : how can i not do something for my moon's birthday!!! the title is from one of my favorite songs of our culture. I have tried to include the closest translation at the places the song's verses have been used♡

"What about the flowers tho? I want exactly two thousand and three lilies to adorn the hall by 6p.m sharp!!You remember that right?" a raspy hushed voice whisper talks to Chan, part time pet sitter at the shelter and full time Mr.Wonwoo's baby.

"What are the lovebirds chirping about huh?Lemme in your gossip too nah!" sudden contact of his shoulders with a warm pair of hands, pulls wonwoo out of the conversation and makes him stern his face so that the big secret doesn't spill out to you before hand.

"Nothing dumbo. We were just planning on what to do for cinnabun's birthday." the moment that those words escape his crevices, witnesses a slight drop in your smile and a deep sigh making its way out of your lungs.

*Cinnabun was one of the furrbabies at the cat shelter you three worked for, whose birthday was the next day. But that wasn't the reason for your sigh. I mean why would it be right? She was your favorite babie afterall. It was just cuz you thought that wonwoo even remembered bunbun's birthday, but ironically not yours. Your 20th birthday that was today. Yes today yet you had to act like there was nothing today. Why? Because you knew no one remembered and no one cared! Except....*

It was around 5:30 in the evening when you were finally done with your daily work schedule,be it feeding the babies or cleaning up after the menace pies.

Even if the world forgot to celebrate your presence, doesn't mean you will too, right? That's what you kept on telling yourself while buying that one slice of caramel cheesecake from the bakery next to the shelter, this morning.

Consoling yourself with all the "yes y/n you matter" and "so what no one remembers? it's still your special day", you gingerly make your way to the room where all the cattos were.

"Wait! Why is it all dark? Where are the babies? Did they all fall asleep already?" your heart clenches at the sight. Maybe you truly were just a mistake the universe made and now tried conveying to you at every point that you're nothing but an unimportant living piece of dirt on this planet. Else, why would everything be against you, on your OWN GODDAMN BIRTHDAY!!

"Looks like I'm just not meant to be even the tiniest bit happy on my day" these are the last words that part your lips, as you twirl on your feet to go back home.....just when a tug of guitar strings rings in your ears and....

Baaton mein baatein teri, raatein saugaatein teri ( my talks are full of you, my nights seem to be a gift from you )

Kyun tera sab yeh ho gaya,hua kya

( why has everything of mine become yours? what happened? )

Mein kahin bhi jaata hoon ,tum se hi mil jaata hoon ( anywhere i go, seems like i meet you )

Tum se hi, tum se hi ( it's about you, just about you )

Your legs have started feeling numb, you're too scared to even turn back to see the prettiest constellation being presented to you. Just you!

"Happy birthday y/n! I know all these years you've felt like you didn't deserve to celebrate your special day, the day this universe created the most beautiful lily ever. The day the missing puzzle piece of my being was carefully wrapped up in the shiniest of papers and presented to your parents." teardrops following each other down your cheeks like a colony of ants bringing home food, while wonwoo's bulky firm arms pull you into the warmest embrace known to mankind.

"Y-you remembered? B- but how?" trying to speak casually while being a crying mess is definitely not your cup of cocktail for sure. "And what about the cats? Where are they?" a panic instantly shines on your forehead as wonwoo pulls you by the shoulder and turns you towards the masterpiece he has created.

All your babies were lined up like little kids at a birthday party, wearing silly little princess and knight dresses while the room was decked up with white lilies all over. Your work table was now being occupied by a two tier vanilla caramel cake that specifically spelled out "Going Twenty" alongside your favorite brand of soju. But all of these still felt small infront of that satin sash that said " Happy Birthday to the prettiest star this galaxy had to offer".

And that's where you lost it. Dropping to your knees on the floor while shielding your entire face beneath your palms, you started wildly sobbing. No one has ever made you feel this special and what did wonwoo do? He turned the eternally cursed day of your life into the most beautiful one.

"Don't cry dumbo. Today is the day to celebrate with spirits and cakes not with tears and sobs princess" that same pair of arms wrapped around your torso, gently pulling up your body from the ground ; the arms that now felt like home and the embrace that made your heart fill up with nothing but sheer joy and peace.

"How can i ever thank you for this wonu!! All these just f-for me...for a girl who's only your co-worke..." before you could even finish blabbering like an absolute idiot, one of wonwoo's slender fingers lands on your lips forcing that ignorant mouth of yours completely shut.

"Just a girl? Oh how naive you're love. Only if you realized that you're not 'just a girl' for me but my entire sky; the canvas upon which i shine the brightest every night. The lost piece of my painting I've been trying to finish all these years"

'W-wonu y.." idiotic of you to even try speaking midway when the person you've adored all these time is now pouring his heart out to you.

"Y/n, I've loved you three summers....will you let me love you the rest too?" the restricting fingers finally drop down from your lips as wonwoo bends down his head, tears threatening to fall out of the two moon crevices on his forehead.

"Will it be a problem if we walk down this path together, hand in hand?" a soft pair of paws cups wonu's cheeks, gently wiping off the stray drops of tears staining his mochi buns.

"Thank you y/n." that's all that comes out of his mouth as he literally throws his entire body weight onto you while wrapping you into the tightest yet gentlest hug....head resting on your shoulders.

"Thank you more wonwoo" you calmly whisper into his ears while your hands took turns in patting his back and his satin soft perms.

"Uhh hmm looks like someone forgot to thank the one who helped him TO ARRANGE ALL THIS AND IMPRESS HIS LOVE" Chan's sudden intrusion is all it took for you two to come out from being an intertwined vine.

"You sly little boy!!! Did all of these just under my nose while acting all normal huh!!" and that's how a typical chase between the real life Tom & Jerry of your shelter ensued....wonwoo quietly looking over his moon being all giggly and happy, with stars in his eyes and sheer love in his heart.

[peetum]

I work in a retail pharmacy, and while I love what I do, it can be very TRYING some days - as I work with the public and with insurance (and juggle my way through drug shortages). The best gift I've ever gotten was a stapler that used an unusual stapler size from another country - so once we ran out of staples it was basically a paperweight. Cap the fuck out of those bastards. 4 MIL wpuld change mine and everyone in my close circles (fam & friends) ENTIRE lives. Instead they get legislate for whoever bribes them the most.

Justices should have the same bar as Congress.

Clarence Thomas taking $4 MILLION in bribes is a travesty. The non-recusals of cases involving the corrupt pay-offs/vacations are a travesty. The Federalist Society grooming the worst judges is a travesty.

The Right Wing creates the swamp, then fills the swamp with dirty money, then they talk about bullshit like deep state corruption.

Nope. It's your guys taking bribes.

[monstermaster13]

Name: My name is perfectly clear to grasp, it's Dan..and I am one of Nathan's alter-ego.

Species: Were-Aykroyd. It's a well known fact there's lots of me.

Age: N/A. I am practically ageless, so I don't have to worry about people asking me about m age, age is but a number to me.

Theme Song: Soul Man, Sweetest Perfection.

Personality: I am a complex creature, sometimes I can be your best friend if you treat me right but if you don't I can be your worst nightmare, I am socially awkward and adorkable but extremely savy when it comes to horror, I was a character actor at the Mystic Museum Camp Horror attraction and as such played the character of a video store clerk, that in turn helped make me skilled at being a killer when I play a villain. I also act as a 'spirit guide' for Nathan so to speak ,we share a body and he turns into me.

Likes: I take after Dan Aykroyd so I am a paranormal fanatic, but also I love Aykroyd himself..papa Aykroyd is sacred and anyone who doesn't like him will be getting a word from me and my brothers, I also have a fascination for horror movies due to my profession, expect to see me at Spirit Halloween sometime this year once it opens back up.

Dislikes: If anyone hurts my friends or my fellow Aykroyd characters who are also my brothers (you can hurt Frohmyer if you like, nobody likes him, pure evil incarnate), they'll be meeting my wrath, also if you dislike a celebrity out of adjacent hatred or the like I am going to make sure you will have nightmares on me, and also if you dislike Dan Aykroyd or disapprove of him or anything about him (you won't last long, but hey..if I like you I might spare you and make you part of the group).

Love interest: I cannot say.

Friends: Mel, Eucalyptus, Nathan, Matthias/Werebelushi In The Shades.

Biggest pet peeve: Never question the almighty papa Aykroyd in front of me, I am just going

to make sure you won't be here any more...or at least not as yourself, trust me, and anyone who harms Nathan shall face my wrath too. Also never call me a 'freak', yes i'm weird..everyone is, I am me, we're all weird, and I am the king. I am also heavily against brainwashing and/forced mind control, what I do with my brothers is different and is actually more of a bonding thing.

Powers: Enhanced intelligence, possession, inhuman strength, Aykroyd transformation..I can take over people's bodies by possessing them like in Casper or Michael Jackson's Ghosts and they become like me, of course not all Were-Aykroyds are the same, I am also gifted at mimicking other people's voices too and forms too.

Best friend: Nathan...I consider him my other half. I can communicate with him telepathically and through dreams and visions. Also anyone who is a fan of Dan Aykroyd is a friend of mine, and anyone who loves the adventures my brothers and I do is welcome as well.

Pet: Don't have any yet.

Favorite movie: Name a Dan Aykroyd movie, any Aykroyd movie. But also I developed a mutual love of 80's horror movies and I found my muse in the form of David Lynch and David Cronenberg, let's just say the latter has given me quite a few 'ideas' of my own (it helps I always look up the Body Horror section of tvtropes, they give me some wonderfully wicked ideas),

Favorite Anime: Pokemon, Yu Gi Oh, Star Wars: Visions, Akira, Vampire Hunter D, Jojo's Bizarre Advneture, Devilman Crybaby, Digimon, Castlevania. I got into Jojo thanks to Nathan explaining how the vampires in that universe worked and how the Stands work so I made myself a counterpart.

Family: Elwood Blues, Ellis Fielding, Tom Everett, Passenger (Twilight Zone the movie), Julius Jenson, Dr Keats, Captain Milligan, Ray Stantz, Ray Zalinski, Darren 'Mother' Roscow, Harry Sultenfuss, Austin Milbarge, J.P Valkenheiser, Vic Zeck, Yortuk Festrunk, Roman Craig, Sgt Tree, Grocer, Steven Mils, Louis Winthorpe III (Carl Featherbottom was very honored by Louis dressing as him that one time). Vic has the most beautiful eyes, he's the one with the hypnosis powers and the one who taught me.

Enemy: Vic Frohmyer. Not only is that Christmas obsessed jerk a control freak when it comes to Christmas but also he really wants to get his hands on that cursed screen-play that Eucalyptus has, mainly because he knows it's the secret to the 'Aykroyd-verse' so to speak but also because whoever reads it is turned into a Were-Aykroyd (of course he'd want that to make a Dark Were-Aykroyd army nonetheless), hence why it's my job to make sure it's safe in the hands of the right forces.

Tidbit: Despite being akin to werecreature lore, my kind borrows aspects from vampire movies and vampire lore too and also ghosts and demons. And the transformations aren't full moon trigger based either which is a common stereotype of werecreature transformation, true Nathan turns into me sometimes at night but he also transforms into me when it's dark in general, or sometimes when I feel like helping him. I aim to help him, I aim to be a hero and look up to crimefighters.

Favorite Hobby: I love to perform and sing, i've been told i've got quite the voice.

Favorite video game: Mortal Kombat X, Resident Evil: Village (If the cadou mold could be contained somehow and I could use it in combination with some of my Aykroydian DNA it would make me more effective), Dead by Daylight (I have a variant of myself who is a killer in that universe as does Nathan). While it would make sense for me to be a survivor due to my knowledge of horror tropes, I feel killer suits me more in that universe.

Favorite food: Hard to say...too many favorites.

Favorite Attractions: Weta Workshop Unleashed, London Dungeons, Mystic Museum.

Favorite color: A mixture...it could be hard to pick just one.

Favorite book: Let's just say reading HP Lovecraft's work inspired me and I got inspired by R.L Stine and Stephen King too, in fact a lot.

Favorite TV show: Grimm, Cloverfield Lane, X Files, Twin Peaks, Teen Wolf, Big Wolf On Campus, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, SNL, Tales From The Crypt, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Haunting Hour, Creeped Out, Soul Man (no, not the blackface movie or the sitcom with Cedric, the shortlived Aykroyd sitcom), Goosebumps.

[stevenbasic]

“How did...mmmmf!..how did this get up here??” I grumbled to myself, as I strained and stretched, reaching for my coffee mug on the highest of two shelves over the sink. I had the pot set up already, brewing, here by myself in the break room. I needed my coffee, but first I needed my mug. It was just out of reach, my fingers just grazing it.

My weird morning just seemed to be getting weirder. I’d felt ‘off’, getting out of bed, getting ready for the day in my apartment. My shoes fit weird. Heck, everything fit weird. The world just looked a little different, a little foreign to me. My apartment, my office - all strangely altered. There was the odd note from CiC-...Cynthia. And then this.

“Inconsiderate…who put it way...up...here?” I asked the empty room. Would I actually need to get a chair to stand on to get my coffee mug? And there were a couple other mugs up here, those of some of the girls in the office - how did anyone else reach them?? “I’ve..almost..got i-“

“I’ve got it,” I heard, from behind me, as suddenly I felt it, the unmistakable press of a tall, soft woman, a body pushed up against my back, a hand on my waist….

My bones shook, inside and out, and I immediately drew breath sharply. The perfume: I knew who it was, without a doubt. I watched her right arm reaching up, her hand past mine, easily taking hold of the white ceramic mug that had been my goal. “World’s Best Boss.” It had been a gift, from her.

“Here you go, little guy,” Melissa purred, her breasts warm and huge on the back of my neck, holding the mug, her hand, her arm in the same position, next to mine.

Wordlessly, it was a comparison, something for me to see: her reach was far, far beyond mine, her big hand, her larger arm, next to mine, making me look puny. It was like she was letting me look at it, take the time to consider it, appreciate and accept it - the difference in our sizes - before she finally lifted the mug and brought it down, in front of me, setting it on the countertop. I brought my arm down, too. ”Is that better?” she asked.

“y-yeah…” I stammered, still half in shock, and still plastered against the countertop by the warm press of her body behind me. She was must have been wearing some sort of knit sweater, or sweaterdress, I could feel it’s fabric on the back of my neck and she felt so soft. I knew I should protest, I knew I should get out of there, but I didn’t. “Th-thanks, Melissa…”

“No problem,” she drawled, now if anything pressing even firmer into me, reaching with her right hand onto the counter to the coffee maker, in front of us, to take hold of the pot.

“I...I can do that…” I said, hearing how small my voice sounded and seeing how, apparently, she’d decided to fix my coffee for me.

“Don’t be silly, I’ve got it,” she said, from above me, behind me. I both heard her voice and felt it vibrating in her strong chest and lungs at my back, and I watched as she competently poured the hot, dark coffee into my mug - though she filled it barely halfway, I noticed.

“‘World’s Best Boss’,” she recited, giggling, “I’m so happy you’re using my present.” She chuckled again, replacing the coffee pot and rubbing her big, soft tits playfully into my neck and shoulders while repeating “World’s...Best...Boss!”

“M-M-Melissa..!” I protested, finally, awkwardly pulling down and away from her as best I could. Yes, my complaint sounded less than emphatic, but what was she doing?! Goofing around is one thing, but we were at work! What if the staff saw us like this! Or or or...my wife! It was humiliating, but god fuck christ it felt good, being sandwiched against her softness, pinned to the counter by her womanly body. I stood there, frozen, and felt her cloud of perfume start to settle over me. I knew what that, the scent of her, could do to my resolve. I knew my own weaknesses, and began to get more anxious.

“Oh I’m just teasing…” she chided, pulling me back into herself but then reaching with her left hand for the tall sugar dispenser, causing her left breast to mush warmly into my ear. “Tell me when, sweetie,” she asked, as she poured the sugar. Her right hand held my mug; I was encircled by arms, embraced.

“Uhh that’s…” I tried, as I watched the white sugar flow...and flow...and flow. She knew I usually took half a teaspoon. “...that’s, uh-” More sugar dumped in, and more. I didn’t have the will to protest; the voluptuous press of her body had me silenced. With her effectively around me, I was beginning to feel enveloped.

“That’s enough?” Melissa finally chirped, shaking the container one final time, then returning it to the counter. “And how ‘bout some milk?”

“y-yes please,” I answered, as already she had the carton of creamer in hand. The top popped, and soon my cup was filled, nearly more half-and-half than coffee, a light brown approaching tan. Again I didn’t argue; god help me I was actually starting to like it this way.

I watched as, with both hands, she lifted the mug in front of me, above me. Breasts squashing into my nape even more as she leaned in, she blew on my coffee with a long, slow breath. The scent of her shampoo washed over me as her long, soft hair cascaded over the left side of my face.

“We don’t want it to be too hot, now, do we?” she asked, and I heard her take a sip, over my head, sampling it as her mane tickled me. “Perfect,” she finally chirped, “just the way you like it. Here, try…” with that, she lowered the mug down to me, held it right in front of my face.

I goggled at the luridly red mark on the white ceramic of the rim, a smeared kiss she was bringing to my lips. “M-Meliss-“ I began to protest, but was stifled with a hush.

“Ssshhh it’s just my lipstick,” she answered, and in less than a moment she had it to my mouth, tilting the mug for me so I could gently have a sip. I tasted her lipstick first - an oily, fragrantly feminine smear that made my head swim, and then the coffee.

“I-it’s good…” I offered, when she took the mug away. I felt myself blushing at the ignominy and trying to recover as the warm liquid passed down into me. Sweet, milky, it relaxed me.

“Good,” she replied, “would you like some more?”

Before I could think I was answering. “s-s-sure…” I said, and was met again with not only another taste but a gentle embrace. She had pulled me in, closer this time, to feed me my mil-...my coffee. She held me there, as I sipped, and I heard her chest rumble, her bosom molding around my neck and head as she purred over me.

“That’s good, hmmmm?” she asked, and I felt her strong hips and thighs pushing me into the countertop. She purred again, and rather than trying to squirm away, I sensed myself starting to melt into her enveloping embrace. I shuddered, feeling absolutely overwhelmed by her bigger, softer body, unable to resist. “This is how you like it, hm?” she asked as, feeding me another sip, she pressed me even harder into the counter, “Warm and sweet…”

“y-y-yesss…” I managed, hearing too much arousal, too much enthrallment, in my stammering voice. God, she was being aggressive today, and as my will and restraint was crumbling my body was responding. An erection was already forming, squashed through my khakis into the cabinet and I was ready, just about ready, to place my hands back, onto her thick thighs, and pull her more into me. “please....”

That brought her a giggle.

She backed away, and I felt my heart drop. What had I been hoping for?? In my discomposure, I turned around, my jaw quivering, to face her. Indeed, she was wearing a grey sweater dress that was just plastered to her superhuman curves, and a pair of heels that was adding a good three or four inches to her height. Good god she was tall...I looked up, and up, and up...

“Well good morning…”

========================

thanks to Beetlebomb for the magnificent images! If you don’t know his stuff already, check out his DA or Patreon, where we have another collaborative project (”Maria’s Ascension”) going.

[becomingkatie]

A few pics from lately. Reading in the backyard last weekend, some handkerchiefs I got for my mom/MIL and SILs for the wedding, and a work outfit that was comfy and felt super cute.

V excited about the handkerchiefs! I got one for myself too and while I wish a cursive F was prettier (like A or M or H - so recognizable!) the hanky itself is so pretty and high quality and I’m really excited to give these as gifts and have mine forever.

I have two hankies my mom has given me from her past (she gave them to me at the memorials for my grandparents, and maybe her grandma gave her one of them at another funeral decades ago?) and in emotional moments it’s nice to have a handkerchief with a special emotional connection.

Also I ordered some roller skates so I want the rain to dissipate so we can return to the lovely weather we had last weekend (seriously so sunny and nice!) so I can enjoy them.

[c4-weeb]

Obey me boy head cannons!

Skater!Mc x the demon boys + undateables!

Alright so background! Human mc had invited one of the boys to go to a skating rink with her in the human world, since she is one of the main racers and a very frequent attendee at the place since she was 10. She knows the regular skaters and owners pretty well. Shes held with high respect there and is pretty talented. She has skate races and a whole team of great skaters, so what happens when one day she invites one of the boys to go on a date/ support her during a competitive roller derby? Also please do keep in mind I'm taking inspiration off the monster high roller derby cause that race was pretty cool and difficult to do so make it more modernized and human. You know... no swinging axes or kraken's trying to grab you as you skate. Though in reality that sounds like something Diavolo would put together for devildom roller derby's...

Lucifer

When he heard you beg him to come support you for your first race back in the human world he was a little taken aback. A roller derby? Him? I mean he wasn't going to be the loudest but he did find the thought of watching them succeed and wanting his praise amusing nonetheless....

....in reality he missed the Mc dearly and would appreciate the time with them, but he'd never say so out loud.

When you looked up to him from the stands he smirked at you, the pressure was on... that smirk was the one of judgement and "let's see how you do" which wracked your nerves with enough anxiety that it helped fuel the fire to make sure you succeeded.

When the Mc took off, being shoved by people bigger than her on each side, he was surprised when you fell back and the two idiots collided and she hopped over with ease and sped towards the front with amazing speed.

When The Mc and their team won, she came speeding to him and hugged him from behind and thanked him.

Later he took you out to eat in congratulations, the smile on your face from getting praise and food? All the stress from the day was relieved by that small gesture.

"I dont know why I thought I had finally found out everything I could about you, yet you just keep surprising me...."

Mammon

When the you asked for his support during a casual race at your local skating rink, with just your team mates going against eachother in a regular speed skate with a few obstacles, he wasnt so interested, saying he wants money in return for his support, when in reality he would have went anyways. But when you told him that since it was a casual race, people could bet on the racers, he agreed so fast and even begged to be summoned right then and there.

Expect him to be screaming at the top of his lungs for you to win

Isnt against calling you baby this loud in public

May or may not have tried climbing the fence when you got pushed

Definitely bet on you, and a huge sum of money too. So much faith 😭❤

Once you've won expect him to come flying at you, poor baby forgot you where on skates tho so you'd end up falling backwards to your friends amusement of your cuddly demon.

Tried threatening the owners to do another race so he could get money and failed

Sulked till you dragged him by the hand to skate in the neon lights since most people left it was just you two

Later he would drag you to either go to bet on races with him to gain more money or go to shower you in gifts, really depended on how well you could convince him to not go gambling, which had a 50/50 success rate.

"If I'm not going to get more money I might as well shower you in what I have, make you the prettiest gem for the whole world to see!" "Mammon you only won 200 dollars not a mil-" "sh, sh, shhhhh, shhh, no arguing! The Great Mammon is going to treat his treasure right tonight, ya' hear!?"

Leviathan

Now getting this otaku outta his room was an absolute struggle. So like a cat trapping their preh, you had to summon him to your house and put a blindfold on him for a special surprise.

Dragged his unsocial ass to the car and road down to the skate rink and took off his blind fold once you both got inside.

It took a lot of coaxing, but you finally got him to calm down enough to get a pair of skates.

If your skater friends said hi to him he'd hide by your arm like a scared 5 year old

The jealousy he felt of everyone in the room was unbelievable, because the poor boy has no balance for skating. On wheels or ice, his body just refuses.

You offered to help him learn and the poor boys face was fuming red, thankfully the neon lights and darkness hid it well.

He held onto your hand for balance throughout the whole date, only stopping to eat some pizza and play some arcade games.

After a few hours you headed back to your house to binge some Starwars, wanting to watch something different with him.....which eventually led to the both of you getting bored and going back to the new ruri-chan movie you guys binged countless amount of times on the phone together.

"H-hey! Hold on you're going t-too fast! No now you're so close I-....um... ack everyone can see us...so many people... but its worth it to show that your mine!"

Satan

Now Satan isnt much of a skater, nor a loud supporter, but with enough coaxing you finally got him to at least try and relax with you, doing a nice small couple's night at the skate rink

Really wanted to try human customs with you so there was little resistance

He would hold their hand as you'd skate

Even think of skating away from him and he will chase after you

This man's rage in his bones makes him a natural speed skater

Will tickle you when he catches you, starts a very one sided tickle war tho

If you wanna sit down, it's going to be in his lap, no rejections.

Will find it adorable if your friends make fun of how blushy you're getting as you hide in his chest

"Come now kitten, dont run away or I'm going to tickle you so hard that your face will hurt too much to smile at anyone else but me"

Asmodeus

This sweet baby was already dragging you to your room to glamor you up before the race.

Honey no need to say anything, he will make you the most gorgeous skater just tell him the vibes you wanna give off and he will hit the nail straight on the head and match your aesthetic.

Best expect victory photos.

Will record your victory and show it off to the group chat with the brothers.

Absolutely head over heels for you, hanging off your body in a hug and then going for a really close skate together

Might try to convince you to have some celebratory seggs but will 100% be making it known how much you excited him.

"Sweetheart look at all the likes our photos are getting! Everyone's congratulating you! Awe look at how viral my baby is! That was a VERY thrilling experience watching you, and you do need to take care of that body....shall we take this home and undress you so I can congratulate you the right way~♡?"

Beezlebub

Immediately agreed when you brought it up that you wanted to bring him to the skate rink, someplace you enjoyed going.

He knew skating was like a work out but was worried about finding skates his size there so he brought his own customized skates.

You better have snacks cause baby is gonna be starving.

Thankfully since you also work there and know the owners, you where allowed to hop over and take his order, putting it on your tab. 4 pizzas 2 Turkey legs 7 hotdogs and a pint of water (remember to stay hydrated)

If you bumped into a few of your friends and he WILL get along with them. He wants to be apart of your life, all of it, so he'll make it a point to get along with everyone in it for your sake.

If you ever look like you're going to fall he will be so close behind you it would be like slipping and falling back onto a brick wall who grabs you before you hit the floor.

If you fall forward he will grab your shirt but try not to choke you in the process

(If you do choke poor baby with be hugging you apologizing profusely)

You two try racing eachother but no matter what you dont win cause hes just too fast

Finds you challenging him over and over endearing and adorable.

"You're so adorable when you're chasing after me trying to win, but I'm hungry now...can we go eat again?"

Belphegor

Will complain once you ask him to go skating for date night in the human world

Wont stop till he finds out it has a sunroof along with the neon lights so he can look at the stars while skating with you.

Will only skate for an hour or two then passes out on your lap

Will not help at all when you fall, just laughs cause he is probably the reason you fell in the first place.

When hes skating he will take your hand in his the whole time and sorta lean on your shoulder while skating from behind you.

You two will stop periodically to sit at the small felt covered benches in the rink to look up at the stars (may or may not fall asleep on your shoulder so you're stuck there with him sleeping for 20 minutes)

You will be the last ones out

Must grab some food for Beel cause belphie promised to bring him home food.

Skating (more like you dragging him by the hand while hes in skates)back to your place and looking at the stars together at like 3am

Wont go back till he can officially cuddle you till the morning and leaves at 11am

"Hey look...theres Ursa major...*yawn* come on let's sit down again, I'm tired..."

Luke (only as siblings you take him skating)

Doesnt know how to skate

You end up teaching him and hes the happiest little boy ever.

If you take him to a race he'll be all worried that you got a scratch and starts to get protective over you when the person who pushed you comes near

Definitely eating cotton candy

Playing claw machines and you win him a stuffed piggy and he holds it near and dear to his heart cause it's from you

"Mc! Mc! Look I'm doing it! I'm skating! Sir oinkers and me are skating together! Thank you so much haha!"

Simeon

Happily joins to cheer you on during your races everytime. Got a race? Simeon will be there.

If you dont win he will comfort you and make the best of the situation by taking you to the food bar till it turns to a free skate again.

If you're injured he will pamper you and be ready with his first aid. Little angel kisses on every scrap and bruise.

So many forehead kisses of encouragement and praise 🥺😭

Can speed skate, so if you want to practice he'll help but if you want to relax he'll do that too.

Inlines? Regular skates? No matter what hes great at them.

Somehow he has great luck and every stuffie you showed interest in or every candy or prize there was that you would even look at, he would win on the first try.

"Dont worry! I'll carry it all. You just relax alright? You got pretty bruised from that fall."

Barbatos

Getting this man to stop working and go on a date will need a ton of patience, even Lord Diavolo has to convince him the little d's will do their jobs right while hes away.

Will take care of every scrape and bruise you get.

Man has glowsticks prepared to cheer you on

When it turns back to a free skate he will try his best to impress you and teach you little tricks he's picked up in his many years.

You try to convince him to eat some of the food there and he will politely decline and proceed to take you out to a nice fancy, but quaint restaurant.

"You were really quick to dodge them back there, yet you still got a few bruises, truly amazing for humans to get to that speed and dodge so fast. You're really a fascinating one arent you?"

Lord Diavolo

This man.... he made SIGNS

WILL be hollering when you win

The loudest in the stands

Glowsticks, glowing necklaces, bracelets, man is even wearing a glowing necklace around his head for you, glowing head to toe

So happy and proud 🥺😭❤

Definitely brought barbatos to help hold up the glittery signs him and the little d's made

Barbatos will leave with the signs after congratulating you and leaving you two to your date.

He will be a little off balanced when first skating cause the man went straight for the inlines 😂

Will be smiling the whole time, nothing can or will ruin it.

Absolutely in love with the skate rink because of you and even wants to add a few to the devildom so they can hold tournaments like the one you where in

Can get sad if he cant get you a stuffed animal while you're in the bathroom so he summons Barbatos again to help him while you're away.

Sends Barbatos away so you wont know he helped him get the prizes

Ends up getting you 6 stuffies and a phone case that doesnt fit your phone but it's the thought that counts right?

You win him a medium sized dragon from the claw machine and he sleeps with it every night and loves it like it's your guy's kid.

If he meets your friends he will find out just how much you've missed him as you get embarrassed, makes a mental note to see you once a week after that encounter.

Will eat 2 Turkey legs as you eat a slice of pizza and share a pitcher of soda with him

(He makes a mess of his face so you clean it off for him)

Will not want to leave and go back to the devildom so he'll insist on staying the rest of the night and walks you home

Will. NOT. LEAVEEEE! Master of excuses for why he should stay.

"But I dont want to leave! Theres still so much to do!" "Can I at least see your house?" "I wont leave until I see you're safe at home!" "Please can I stay the night, I miss having you wake up in my arms." "I want to see the morning sun rise with you before I go back"

[viperflowerbox]

2019+1

Sinceramente? Esse ano foi o pior ano da minha vida inteira, mesmo que eu tenha só 26 anos. Eu vi todos os meus planos não darem certo, muito embora permanecer na faculdade em meio a uma pandemia que já matou quase 200 mil pessoas só no Brasil já tenha sido uma conquista e tanto, e mostrado que sou capaz de assistir aulas ~ao vivo~. Mas a questão toda não é só assistir aulas, mas sim sobreviver a tudo que se viu, ouviu, viveu. É difícil manter sua mente sã quando se vive em um país que todo dia mata, agride e violenta uma mulher, que acha normal e naturaliza uma pandemia. Sério! As pessoas comem salsicha, bebem Herbalife e ainda querem questionar a procedência de uma vacina que está sendo testada? Que é sim feita por cientistas?

2019+1 (porque esse ano está o próprio Lorde das Trevas e não deve ser nomeado!) tem se mostrado uma verdadeira catástrofe. Ouvi muita gente dizendo que era o ano para a humanidade aprender a ser solidária, mas foi muito difícil ver isso acontecer. Negros morreram asfixiados, mesmo dizendo que não conseguiam respirar, mas o que importa é que a polícia está aí, atirando para depois perguntar, agredindo independente do sexo, porque a cor... Mas é que é desgastante trabalhar sob pressão, imagina respirar? E foi um ano em que muitos líderes dentro desse país mostraram que realmente não estão nem aí para a população. E a população? Ela também não está nem aí.

Enquanto isso, as pessoas continuam sendo intubadas, continuam morrendo. Médicos e enfermeiros continuam sem conseguir conviver com suas famílias porque tem medo de que, por causa deles, seus filhos, pais, cônjuges, fiquem doentes e acabem nos hospitais também. Mas o que importa é a festa com “testes de resultado negativo para COVID”; o que importa é a festinha que o irresponsável do influencer dá. É eu comprar meu presente mais barato no centro da cidade, pagar menos, pegar fila...

Se tem uma coisa que esse ano realmente mostrou, é que o ser humano está pouco se fodendo para o outro. O problema não é meu se o meu vizinho está na UTI lutando contra a morte por uma gripizinha e o presidente disse que a vacina vai transformar as pessoas em jacaré (muito embora eu tenha a ligeira impressão que ele queria dizer mesmo é chimpanzé). Esse mostrou que os conservadores, eles ainda são a maioria opressora. Mas também mostrou que no meio dessa merda toda, a gente ainda pode ser resistência.

IN ENGLISH: Sincerely? This year was the worst year of my entire life, even though I'm only 26 years old. I saw all my plans fail, even though staying in college in the midst of a pandemic that has killed almost 200,000 people in Brazil alone has been quite an achievement, and shown that I am able to attend classes ~ live ~ . But the whole point is not just to attend classes, but to survive everything that was seen, heard, lived. It is difficult to keep your mind sane when you live in a country that every day kills, attacks and violates a woman, who thinks it is normal and naturalizes a pandemic. Seriously! Do people eat sausage, drink Herbalife and still want to question the provenance of a vaccine being tested? What is it done by scientists?

2019 + 1 (because this year is the Dark Lord himself and should not be named!) Has proved to be a real catastrophe. I heard a lot of people saying that it was the year for humanity to learn to be supportive, but it was very difficult to see that happen. Blacks died of asphyxiation, even saying that they could not breathe, but what matters is that the police are there, shooting and then asking, assaulting regardless of sex, because color ... But it is exhausting to work under pressure, imagine breathing? And it was a year in which many leaders within that country showed that they really don't care about the population. And the population? She doesn't care either.

Meanwhile, people continue to be intubated, they continue to die. Doctors and nurses are still unable to live with their families because they are afraid that, because of them, their children, parents, spouses, will get sick and end up in hospitals too. But what matters is the party with “negative tests for COVID”; what matters is the little party that the irresponsible of the influencer gives. I buy my cheapest gift in the city center, pay less, take the queue ...

If there is one thing that this year really showed, it is that the human being is not fucking much for the other. The problem is not mine if my neighbor is in the ICU fighting death from a cold and the president said that the vaccine will turn people into an alligator (even though I have the slight impression he really meant is a chimpanzee). This showed that conservatives, they are still the overwhelming majority. But it also showed that in the middle of all this shit, we can still be resistance.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my soon-to-be-MIL that she should return one wedding gift?

So I'm (28F) getting married next weekend, my bridal shower was last weekend. I got so many lovely and thoughtful gifts from my wedding party, mother, and soon-to-be-MIL (63F; I'm just calling her my MIL from now on for brevity sake). The problem is that my MIL got me, among other gifts, a set of lingerie.

I pulled her to the side at the end of the bridal shower and said that I was really not comfortable accepting lingerie from her. She insisted that I keep it, that she talked to the ladies at the boutique I got my dress from (she and my mom joined me to choose a dress I guess she did this then), and found this set of lingerie that matches my measurements and my dress. Clearly a lot of thought went into this and the set has to have been expensive. But I just really don't want my MIL to have any information about my lingerie, much less the lingerie I wear on my wedding night? I told her I already had a set picked out (true, but she shouldn't need to know that), and asked her to return what she got me. It turned into this whole thing.

She told both her family and mine that I'm being nasty about a very meaningful gift. I am trying to defend myself that it's inappropriate for my MIL to ever buy me lingerie for any reason, but that she should have at the very least not gotten my measurements from the fitting staff to buy me lingerie secretly. My mother is taking the side of my MIL and is demanding I apologize and agree to wear the lingerie. Why should I apologize? She's the one who gave me an inappropriate gift, refused to return it, and then made our disagreement so public.

If my mom hadn't sided with my MIL I wouldn't be second guessing myself at all. But even my mom is against me on this one. Am I actually being the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[therkalexander]

Happy birthday! 🌸✨

Yay! Thank you! I had a Caligulan amount of sushi and social distanced visited with a friend of mine from their front lawn.

My kid helped me eat it (as did R and my MiL).

The sake pourer was a gift from the sushi restaurant because they’re closing down soon and are giving them away as keepsakes. Couldn’t resist. I don’t drink, so it’s full of soy sauce.

[unholyhelbig]

Ever seen Mr. & Mrs smith? Because... Hizzie

Read on Ao3 | Submit more Legacies Prompts 

Title: Mrs & Mrs Mikaelson 

Ship: Hope Mikaelson/ Lizzie Saltzman 

Lizzie watched carefully as the silver-edged blade slowly pushed through the outer casing of the casserole dish. It’s once clean color was muddied with a deep red that dripped with the scent of garlic. Hope’s movements were fluid and her focus was strong. She had evenly sliced through the fried top of the cheese and maneuvered until the lasagna was placed in a perfect square in the center of a plate.

“Salad?” She asked, placing the knife on the corner of the dish, not carving out a serving of her own. Instead, her fingers reached for the clear bowl. She didn’t wait for Lizzie to answer, instead, she loaded up the dark green vegetables doused in oil.

She slid the plate towards Lizzie “Thank you. You’re not going to eat any?”

“Maybe later,” Hope flopped down into the seat at the other end of the table. She untied the apron around her waist and let it sit in a pile under her fingertips. Her other hand reached for the lipstick-stained wine glass, she spoke into it. “I’ve been in that hot kitchen all day, I don’t feel much like eating.”

Lizzie was inclined to believe her wife. Her loving and doting wife who could have been with the kids all day, or in the kitchen like she claimed; slaving over lasagna and homemade bread, even when Lizzie insisted on picking up take-out on the way back from the office. But even then, both of them knew it was a lie.

She picked up her fork, her fingers still aching with the feeling of a gun. Her whole entire body felt like it was on fire and sunburn danced under her cheeks. It reminded her of being a kid and spending the entire day by the side of the pool, only to collapse on her bed in front of a fan while the chlorine created a film against her skin.  

In retrospect, Lizzie should have worn sunscreen, but the weather was overcast and she didn’t think she would be perched on the roof for long. Her target was easy; a businessman who had crossed too many paths with his dirty derby shoes. It was a simple enough hit.

Blaine Ewing ate at the same café every single day, at the same table facing the street, under the same umbrella. He would order a chicken Cesar salad and pick out all the onions instead of asking for the meal without any. Lizzie had learned his schedule and she had lined up the scope of the gun perfectly.

An easy target, and an even easier 50,000 from her employer.

Lizzie hadn’t seen the girl walking towards Blaine, not right away, not until she had blocked the view from the scope and she had to pull away to get a better look. Even from her spot on the roof across the street- Lizzie knew.

She recognized that body, and that hair tucked carefully under the guise of a black hoodie. Lizzie had stood across the alter from that woman, she had sat through hours of IVF and the hours of PTA meetings. The same woman who skillfully shoved a knife into Blaine Ewing’s chest in just the right spot that ensured she wouldn’t’ have to do it twice.

Hope was an assassin, and quite frankly, Lizzie was shocked. She had realized after loading up her sniper and sitting in an empty parking garage, that she had lost out of a pricey hit because her wife had gotten there first.

Which begged the question; did Hope know she was one too?

She had cut into the corner of the lasagna, loading up her fork, but not raising it to her lips. They had been married for years now, seven to be exact, and though she still loved her wife dearly, she had no idea if Hope was faking that too. “You’re sure you’re not hungry?”

“No,” Hope frowned, setting down the wine glass. “You’re acting weird, sweetie, is everything okay?”

Lizzie set the fork down and pretended not to notice the flicker of disappointment in Hope’s eyes “Everything is fantastic. I’ve just been thinking, we should go out of town for a bit. Spend some quality time together. Without the kids.”

Hope blinked a few times at the suggestion and Lizzie stood from her seat at the end of the table before walking the length of the dining room. She had already abandoned the thought of the meal, and the possible drain cleaner that had been mixed into the sauce. Instead, she traced her fingers against the edge of Hope’s jaw and lifted her leg over the girl's lap until she was straddling her, looping her fingers against the top stitching of her jeans.

Distract her with sex- that can buy a full night in the house until Hope decided to grab a pillow and put her out of her misery.

“Mm, that sounds like a fine idea.” Hope hummed as she pressed her lips against Lizzies, nipping softly at her before running her tongue against the spot to soothe the sting, “But what about work?”

“The office can get by for a day without me,” Lizzie responded. “And Josie can watch the kids”

Hope bit at Lizzie’s jaw, straightening in her seat as she trailed kisses against Lizzie’s pulse point. “I wasn’t talking about your job, I was talking about mine.”

She hesitated for just a moment, but it was a moment too long. With her wife’s touch right against her pulse, she felt her heart rate spike and Lizzie stiffen, and before she could register what was happening- Hope threw her entire weight against the base of the chair and tipped it back.

Lizzie felt her shoulder hit the wood floor first and then her legs against the drywall. It had taken both of them down but Hope knew exactly what she was doing, just as Lizzie thought she did. There was an ache at the base of her skull and she slid down the wall until she was on her side, disoriented from being flipped upside down. Hope had already gained her composure and her standing position.

“Okay, ouch,” Lizzie said in a muted growl.

It was outshined by the dull click of a gun, and suddenly she didn’t’ care that she could still feel Hope’s touch, hot against her skin, or taste metallic blood from where her teeth had dug into the side of her mouth. Her wife had a handgun pointed at her, and a confused stare on her features.

The room was suddenly feverish and Lizzie wished she could take back knowing the truth, and maybe even her vows, for just a moment- but this was hotter than she cared to admit and she had never been more attracted to her wife than now.

“You ruined my hit this morning.”

“It was my hit too, and something tells me that my employers pay more than yours do.” Hope lowered the gun for a split second before refocusing “You hesitated.”

“Darling, I never hesitate.” Lizzie pulled herself to a standing position, all the while being followed by the green eye of a weapon. She pressed her finger against the split in her lip, staring down at the darkened mud color on her fingers. “So what then, did they ask you to take me out as well?”

Hope scowled once more. “I was directed to get rid of the competition, yes. I just didn’t know it was you until today.”

Lizzie smiled, and it was mostly in vain, but somewhat in pride. She could still taste the blood against her teeth and even now, part of her was annoyed that Hope had destroyed the kitchen chair because it was a wedding gift from her mother. But her wife had called out her hesitation, all while doing the exact thing she was pointing towards.

Hope was stalling.

“How much are they offering you? Because honestly, if it’s at least half a Mil, I would go for it. You can get a good house in California for you and the kids, make it all look like a horrible accident. People would believe you if you cried enough.”

She took a step forward and Hope tensed, the tip of the gun was against her shoulder now, and it was cold. She easily guided her until it was right against the top of her rips. One slight twitch of the finger and Lizzie would drop. Granted, this felt like a better way to go then the slow poison mixed into an Italian dish.

Hope let out a shaky breath and clenched her eyes shut before pulling the trigger.

She was met with a slight click- but no powerful bang, no overwhelming cold, no flash of light. Just the small noise and a scoff from the woman in front of her. “Oh my god, you were actually going to do it!”

Hope let out a small huff before pulling the weapon back and removing the base of the weapon with bewilderment before flicking her darkened eyes back up to her wife. Who had a half-smile, mostly breed from entitlement, against her lips.

���Looking for this?” Lizzie pulled the full clip from her back pocket, the silver bullet casings catching the light above the kitchen table. She had swiped them, her tongue down Hope’s throat long enough for her not to notice the edging against her back pockets. “Honestly, darling I know our sex life has been lacking lately but bringing guns into it is never the answer.”

She snorted and set the gun down on the table. “I totally felt you grab those.”

“Mm-hmm, yeah.” Lizzie nodded and grasped her phone from her side of the table, Hope crossed her arms dejectedly across her chest. “I’m going to order pizza if you want to clean up the chair that you absolutely destroyed before the kids get home.”

She hesitated and watched as Lizzie walked from the room and flipped on the kitchen light. “Don’t put pineapple on it,”

“what are you going to do?" She shouted from the other room "Murder me?"

[lindavater]

🌸🌳🌸 My 91 year old MIL used to tell me she couldn’t believe a garden like mine could exist in Oklahoma. She loved flowers and bits of gardening herself: roses to cut for the vase, basil for pesto in pots on her deck, pansies in spring - always in blue, never purple. She loved amaryllis at Christmas and was one of the few people I knew who had the patience to get repeat bloom from her orchids. Hubs and I brought her a yellow orchid with hints of purple the day she died. She never tired of the simple charm of a cut bloom on her kitchen table. Maintaining childish delight as we age is a gift...and a key to longevity, don’t you think? . . . #garden_styles #pinkflowers #gardenideas #frontyard #cottageliving #springiscoming #instagarden #topiary #cosycottage #cottagedecor #countrycottage #lvgardendesignschool #gardenlife #gardendesign #gardenstyle #lindavater #cottages #countryhousestyle #cottagechic #cottagegarden #gardens #gardenofinstagram #gardenphotography #cottagestyle #englishcountryhouse #jardin #foxglove #lindavater https://www.instagram.com/p/B8_sqcdluhV/?igshid=6i47rsvnh5dp

[xanadontit]

The full run down, for those so inclined.

MIL: Let’s just start here because sure. About .5 seconds after we walked in the door, she asked if Santa was bringing me a new car. Apparently E told her mine is kind of dying and I’ve been looking (Side note: I have asked him not to share stuff like this with her because then she fixates and will have opinions on how I’m spending MY money. Also plz don’t @ me, yes I own a car and will trade it in and get another one. Everyone hates car people until they need a ride!). By Santa she means if E is surprising me and I joked that Santa isn’t bringing me one, but I plan to test drive a few in January and hopefully pull the trigger soon; I also said something about it being my money because I’m a jerk and I hate that I make almost as much as E and she assumes everything I have is because he’s my benefactor. Then she launched into a story about how my FIL somehow led her to believe he was getting her a car for Christmas and then didn’t and then she cried when she realized he was messing with her and he thought it was funny. No idea why those crazy kids couldn’t make it work. Like, how do you even respond to something like this that happened well over 25 years ago?

While playing game and just kind of making polite conversation, MIL turns to me and says, “You didn’t have to stay at a hotel.” I was thrown because this came out of nowhere and said, “Well, we are and it’s fine!” cheerfully as she then launched into why it wasn’t OK and the plan she had laid out (which involved Niece 1 staying 30 minutes away at her boyfriend’s house - her plan was to kick her granddaughter out of her room/home so she could take her room and have E and me sleep in MIL’s room). I looked at E to jump in and he said, “We’re staying at a hotel. No one is giving up a room. It’s done.” No setting his mom straight that this wasn’t my evil plot or scheme. That’s when I got a “You hurt my feelings.” 

MIL is very critical of her only sister who is an absolute train wreck, sure, but not terribly different from MIL - just more husbands. MIL said something about her sister always needing a man and declared that she has no desire to date and all she needs now are her children. I pointed out to E that means she’s relying on him and SIL to provide her emotional support because she’s alienated all of her friends when she was with her garbage ex. Have fun with that, guys!

While opening gifts she reiterated she doesn’t care what I think or if I am hurt, and she’ll do whatever she likes when it comes to her kids, even if that means I’m left out. I lost it and looked at my nieces and said, “Well, if I ever die mysteriously we know who did it.” MIL laughed. She also told me if I don’t want the perfume she gave me then SIL will take it. Uh, ok?

She likes the cop and thinks Niece 1 seems really happy. Ugh. Get better taste in men.

SIL: The stress of living with her mom is real and while I feel for her, I’m pissed that she just lets her walk around saying awful shit to her and her daughters and that her attitude toward me is “Suck it up.” There’s just zero desire to have an honest conversation and say “This is hurtful” and give MIL a chance to apologize or think about how her words affect people. It’s super fucked up. And E told me last night that when he called her to let her know we’d stay at a hotel her response was a “What did I do wrong?” So she’s turning into her mom. Good work.

Niece 1: Wasn’t quite as sulky as our last visit but Jesus she and Mashed Potatoes (my nickname for the cop) are so fucking loud. It’s just constant hollering and there’s never a sincere conversation. The best way I can describe it is like a Disney kids’ tv show where everyone is constantly speaking in sarcastic tones and trying to be funny but it isn’t. At all. It’s exhausting.

Mashed Potatoes: He shaved the mustache so he looks slightly less creepy but he’s a cop so I don’t care if he’s Chris Evans’ doppelganger: not a fan!

Niece 2: Jesus Christ with this one. I texted @amaraaaaaaaaaaa about the sin I committed of showing interest in her life which resulted in her storming off during Christmas Eve dinner. Apparently any talk of the future is stressing her out and I wasn’t supposed to ask about graduation, her thoughts on a credential program and/or master’s program, or mention the idea of her eventually moving out. MIL is visibly distressed Niece 2 isn’t seriously dating anyone and has encouraged her to settle with any guy who owns a house. This is her standard for a quality man: owns a house. Sure. 

E: Swears up and down that he told his mom about the hotel and explained it was for everyone’s comfort. I told him I need him to explicitly tell his mom that he wants to stay at a hotel, too, and not leave room for her to speak to me in a shitty way. It’s unfair that I am painted as a villain because one of her children dared to grow up and doesn’t want to pretend he’s 8 and stay with mommy. He agrees she’s completely out of line and was feeling pretty done but that doesn’t help. I expect us to be a united front and a team. Sitting there while she’s obnoxious, then agreeing with me privately isn’t helpful.

Thanks to all of you for the support and snark - it’s nice to know someone somewhere out there likes me!

[frances-baby-houseman]

I came into work today bc I have a little work to do, but mostly because I was on “vacation” last week and now consider 3 hours of work away from my children to be an actual vacation. We had many moments of great joy last week-- my son meeting my 97 year old step-grandfather, going for a run with my dad, taking my daughter to the Center for Puppetry Arts with my mom and sister, my mom giving me a replacement for my EXTREMELY beloved and long broken peanut necklace, just sitting around with my siblings-- but it was also really hard. Joe didn’t sleep well, I didn’t sleep well, managing divorced parents is really complicated, feeling like all the gifts my dad and stepmom got me could have been presents for literally any 36 year old woman (and yet they somehow planned an amazing day out for Adam and my dad at the Peach Bowl! which was a double whammy bc it left me stuck with childcare by myself, and also made me feel sad bc I want a fun adventure with my dad, but anyway...)

And to top it off, I just have really complicated feelings about christmas. We are not christian and do not normally celebrate it in any way, and I am not a huge gift person, and I just... I really disliked the gift giving melee! It totally overwhelmed four year old alice, it left me feeling weird and disappointed, and we were a plane ride away from home so we couldn’t even bring most of it back with us! Also, I realized we have made really great traditions here in Chicago-- we have a really nice, dress up dinner at my mil’s best friend’s house on christmas eve (my favorite event of the year), we lounge around on christmas morning and sometimes have people over for brunch, and we get dinner at our local indian restaurant. Adam and I have done that every year, and I really missed it! I didn’t think about our traditions bc it’s not our holiday, but it’s still a major day in the american calendar and we’ve definitely celebrated it in our own way. 

In my great facebook mom group, someone posted a thread of holiday woes, and it really made me feel better to see how many people had frustrating weeks, bc our (mine included!) instagram accounts all looked perfect. It’s a great reminder that holidays are complicated and high-pressure, and can be simultaneously full of joy and extremely disappointing.