#might delete this later if i feel bad about it idk
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i'm enjoying all the guardians content we've been getting in what if s2 so here's actual cosmic horror child peter quill and his plush raccoon they added for no reason wink wink
#i havent shared my art in ages jesus christ.#also i feel like if i do anything more complex than a messy lineart pencil sketch. it will end up looking bad.#so have this for now#but ill have more time at home now so i kinda wanna get back to drawing#anyways#marvel#what if#guardians of the galaxy#my posts#my art#might delete this later if i feel bad about it idk
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"Oh no, someone's attracted to the aesthetics of my -punk movement but doesn't know the praxis and history behind it like I do--"
OK. Tell them. Make it a teaching moment. Everyone who's in your movement learned the background from somewhere at some point, maybe this is that point for that person. Give them a jumping off point that they can dive into later.
"Oh but I shouldn't be responsible for teaching baby -punks about the history and the how-tos and--"
OK. Then don't tell them. You don't have to be responsible for teaching people with a budding interest in your group the ins and outs and how-tos. That's fair and valid! It can be a lot of work. Someone else will handle it
"But I'm annoyed that they would try to claim to be part of/be interested in my community without knowing all the details that I know after being in it for months/years/decades, they're dumb, they're posers, they're--"
OK. Then don't engage with them, if it's that bad. Maybe someone else will come around and tell them the history, maybe they'll pick it up on their own, maybe they'll just enjoy the fashion elements for awhile.
"But they shouldn't claim to be part of the -punk community if they don't know the--"
I feel like we have a few options here. People can either talk to them, share the history, share the values, share the praxis. Or they can just chase off anyone who even thinks about dipping a toe in their community, and then wonder why it's dying off later down the line.
I dunno, maybe I'm too naive and patient or whatever. But if people are entering your -punk spaces without knowing The Rundown of what you feel they need to know, maybe being nice about it and informing people instead of immediately assuming stupidity and malicious intent could help you make a new friend. Even the loudest voices in a space had to learn from somewhere, and not everyone has the luxury of being in the space as the History was Happening--whether it's an age thing or a not being aware of the space thing. Or maybe I just don't see what the big deal is behind people hating people who like the aesthetic of something and don't know the behind the scenes history about it yet.
Because I believe in the word 'yet.' No one comes into this world knowing everything about everything, and we're all constantly learning new things. I'm not gonna degrade someone and call them a poser for not knowing what I know. Because if it were me, interested in a scene but getting chased out and called a poser? I wouldn't hit the books and study up, I'd go 'that fuckin sucks, those people sucked' and then avoid anyone and anything having to do with it.
So chase people off and call them posers if you want. But if your community starts dwindling, don't be fucking shocked.
#out of queue#ani rambles#punks and posers#i cant even call this a 4am hot take because its 7pm but like#idk i keep seeing posts about like 'how DARE people think I bought my punk clothes how DARE they not know the how-tos and DIYs'#or 'ugh people only care about the ~aesthetics~ of my movement if you don't know shit get out of here' and like#maybe I'm just a shy ass introverted nerd whos scared of social rejection! but I avoid that shit like the plague#so if someone were to reject me based on not knowing about something I'd never even heard about? something i was JUST getting into?#there's a high chance I'd just scram and never look back. i don't wanna be the one who causes that emotion in someone else#granted this is coming from someone who STILL doesn't know how to make her own patches or worked up the courage to do direct action praxis#outside of offering neighbors to my tomatoes and trying to talk to people about what I'm passionate about#but still imo unless someone's a malicious intentional bad actor i dont see the point in scaring newbies off#thats how movements die imo#i know this is my solarpunk blog but its not a solarpunk specific thing#i think the main post that inspired this was about store-bought versus self-made spiked leather jackets#which honestly just feels petty to me but who knows.#might delete later
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ok fellas this post is really different from my other stuff so i'm putting it under the cut for people who don't care and also because i'm slightly embarrassed
ok so. is it unusual for a girl to want to have a deep voice and a flat chest and a more square face and also feel slightly jealous of men and want to sound like them and look like them
and also is it unusual to want to be all that, but also simultaneously not be very bothered very much by how you look right now or by being referred to with she/her except for sometimes when you think about it too much. because i usually don't think about it except for sometimes where i suddenly just get really sad about being a girl or i'll always have this faint feeling that i am just unhappy about it
and also is it unusual to try to ignore it and go about your life being unbothered by it even though deep down it does kinda bother you but you can't really. like. say anything to anyone because your family won't react well and neither will your friends because they'll think it's weird and uncomfortable. i feel afraid to ever feel this way because i know the people in my life won't react well to it
so like. genuine question please lmk wtf is goin on because i'm unsure if it's normal and i've felt like this for a long time and it's confusing me and i don't even know what i'm going to do with the information once i know i'm just sort of lost LMAO
#vent#ig???????????#it's not even funny (it's a little funny) how the only reason i've like. thought about this was because i am becoming#more and more jealous of actors in the musicals i watch#greaseball when i get you. when i get you#like i know it IS possible play as male characters in musicals or something as a girl if i ever wanted to#but the thing is i want to look like them and sound like them and i want to be masculine#this is me questioning my gender on my fucking cats the musical tumblr blog everybody point and laugh#might delete later depending on how embarrassed i get ARGH#I FEEL SHEEPISH#had this in my drafts for a long time but i'm caving in and posting it because i had a bad night last night thinking abt it#and i need to know. also i'm lying in bed having to get up and i don't wanna so i'm making excuses#anyway again. i'm embarrassed feel free to ignore this is so stupid#ok. being brave about this#i don't like being negative on here. idk if it's negative but it might come off that way and i don't want to be awkward#also idk how sharing it here will help. but i don't really know what else to go to#if nobody got me i know tumblr got me can i get an amen#keep adding tags to this like it's going to change anything. post the damn thing idiot#why am i adding so many tags like i'm hyping myself up in the mirror JUST POST IT
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself
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how's the riptide watch going?
also, do you not like goobleck? the little slime guy? the hee hoo guy? the little monk?
not judging or anything, I saw your tags on the felipe poll and I genuinely just don't know what the word you said mean (not a native speaker moment)
Oh man you are setting me up for hate T-T
Riptide is just ok, I prefer a lot of the other campaigns (as I figured I would when I started it.) and I've stalled out pretty hard on watching it. I'll get back to watching sometime soon, probably. But tbh I'm much more excited for Wonderlust and TMK!
(Also... no, I don't really like Goobleck.)
#Tbh not liking riptide has stressed me out a little#because lots of people really like it and want to know what i think#so i feel really bad saying i don't like it much#i might even delete this later T-T#ask#Felipe though… his ass is so chill I love him idk why I think he’s so funny#something about being just a normal dude and getting isekaid into a frog is very VERY funny to me
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never thought i'd say it. not happy about gay sex
#look. some of it might not be as bad as it seems.#i don't have context or all the facts i haven't watched it yet#maybe this 'bathroom scene' is just a precursor for a later callback#but like. jesper had a one night stand or something with wylan and FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT HIM???#real cute real romantic. /s#the hypersexual bi man trope!! the unnecessary sexualization of queer relationships!!!!#like there's nothing wrong with stories about relationships like this! to me it's the fact that it's being applied to wesper!#a relationship which i enjoyed bc of the slower building of care and knowledge and trust and meaning and all that sap shit#these writers do not know how to show queer characters' sexualities without making them have sex.#jesper just forgot about the prince who fell into the wrong story dude i'm gonna be sick#of all the ways they could have written jesper and wylan's pre-SoC history........bruh#listen wesper might have been the least developed of the SoC relationships but holy shit it was better than this#jesper wylan get behind me sweethearts#idk how to describe why it feels so hurtful. it just feels like something has been taken from that story#shadow and bone netflix spoilers#sab spoilers#s&b spoilers#delete later#this isn't like SEX BAD GAY SEX BAD. it just has me going like. who are these guys. these are different guys.#they are doing strange things that the people they claim to be would not. this story has been altered in a way that makes me feel it less#if you enjoy it still fine. but for me it detracts.
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SOMEONE ELSE ON TWT HAS MADE A TANG OUTFIT IN ANIMAL CROSSING TOO I MADE ONE LIKE A MONTH AGO AND HAVE BEEN WEARING IT SINCE THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS THE SAME KIND OF INSANE AS ME YIPPPEEEEE YIPPPPPPEEEEE !!!! !!
#hi exploding on tmblr out of the blue at 4 am because I can hi hello :3c#The post came up on my tl and I got hit with a brick of dopamine we are one in the same#Too nervous to reply to them showing them my own grr I want to so bad but Interacting hard graahhfhfgj#So I'm rambling about it here instead :3 probably will delete this later!!#silly sleep deprived excited zaacoy post feel free to ignore#Update for anyone who's read this far: arms and wrists are healing!! My hands are uncontrollably shaky so I can't draw yet but-#they should be good to go for sketches in a day or two#Might try again tmrw idk I'll see#bahdsghashh bye!!!
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well to be honest guys. ive noticed that my opinion of myself is not very good
#txt#i see literally no value to what im good at i dont think im good at anything Really#i cant find worth in what im doing and i feel like no one else does either. im constantly just living like im hiding whats inside of me#and that if i tried to do the things i want to do id suck so bad everyone wpuld find out ive just been hiding in plain sight#and like ive talked about this w my therapist and ive journaled about this and i externalize these thoughts and still. its all i think about#like i see people my age doing amazing things i see people being so creative ans good at what they do and then theres me.#and like. idk. whatever. but you know? like i literally am just tired of feeling the way i do about myself but i dont know how to stop so.#might delete this later might not but just one of those moments where i want 2 be seen with what i feel and whatever
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I wish my birthday was 7 months earlier
#This is about the US election#I have had multiple anxiety attacks over this. Every time something about the election or project 2025 pops up and I read it I get stressed#Everything feels so out of control. What can I do? I’m not old enough to vote. I don’t trust the country to make the right choice.#I’m terrified. I’m scared. Please vote. I’d you read this and you’re from the US and you’re old enough to vote just please do it.#I don’t care if you hate Biden.#Not voting when you have the ability to hurts those of us who can’t yet.#I thought I felt scared during the pandemic#this is scarier#I have genuinely thought about how I would go about getting out of this country if it ends up going that bad#but this will effect the whole world won’t it?#I don’t know what to do#I don’t usually vent but this has been stressing me out so bad and I need to throw words out even if no one actually reads them#might delete this later idk#mental stability is not happening right now#clove thoughts
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yknow realizing my family was super fucking mean to me for no reason before i turned 18
#no cause. why did my parents threaten to beat me for having a low C almost D/ any missing assignments. but now whenever my mother finds out#about it she like. actually asks if i'm doing alright and not yelling at me to turn them in (she still wants me to do good but like. there'#no more threats?) i mean my bio dad might still do that but i don't tell him anything about my classes anymore#AND ALSO HOW I USED TO BE PICKED ON BY MY BIO DAD AND MY GRANDPARENTS WHEN IWAS YOUNGER FOR HAVING TEXTURE ISSUES BUT NOW THEY'RE LIKE#“oh yea i can't eat this food because i just don't like it” AND UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I SAY I CAN'T EAT CERTAIN THINGS.#i just GAHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK#i still remember when my mom and bio dad thought i was lying to them about losing my glasses when i was FUCKING 9-10. they thought i#hid/threw them out!!! and when i found them like a few years later because they were in a spot in my bag young me never really used#MY MOTHER STILL THOUGHT I PUT THEM THERE ON PURPOSE. THIS WAS YEARS AGO BUT I'M STILL MAD ABOUT IT#I HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE A LIAR ABOUT THINGS FOR SO LONG TO THE POINT THAT I CAN'T HANDLE JOKES ABOUT LYING AND ALSO GET SCARED THAT#I'M NOT BEING TRUTHFUL EVEN IF I AM!!!#anyways :D#i'll probably delete this later idk i feel bad right now
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#vent post#idk man change is weird#i broke up with my partner and now a few of my friends are leaving (?) the tron fandom#and both of those things aren't bad. sucks but it's natural for change to happen and i think in a way i knew some of it was coming#but it doesn't feel very good y'know??#it's also late at night during winter so like don't trust anything haha#jamjams#might delete later#and i should definitely not only be venting about things on Tumblr lol#idk. maybe i left tron for too long. maybe i should have stuck around#not that i want to keep my friends in a place they don't like anymore but that maybe i would be more in touch with tronblr still
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idly thinking here but honestly i think if this blog went down then i'd just be done with tumblr forever. like.....that's it. this is the blog i've had for as long as i've had a tumblr account, i'm not built like the people who can start again and remake over and over again. it'd be a sign that i just need to be done with this website for good i think.
#i mean i've vented on here about being on tumblr has been making me feel worse recently so it could just be that part of me talking#but idk man. i've had this blog since i was fifteen i can't even imagine trying to remake everything#and with the way this website keeps getting worse and worse structurally and the way i keep using it for emotional self harm.....#idk it might be for the best in the long run?#i dunno. i don't wanna lose all my shit or lose my place to ramble#and i've met some cool people on here. i don't wanna downplay the good#but a LOT of it has been really bad and i've been thinking a lot about how i need to reduce the amount of time i spend on here#and the biggest struggle with that aside from not really having anything to replace that with is the fact i consistently have access to it#not on mobile anymore thankfully the app is rancid lmfaoooo#but when i'm home and on my laptop it's way too easy to pop open a tab#and if i'm logged out i can always just log back in#idk. i don't really wanna go full nuclear on this blog but i also hate having it sometimes so ahaaaaa#marshy speaks#delete later
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hm.
#feeling like. all around bad. and idk why really#i just dont want to do anything. i want to rot. everything is hard.#why does everything feel like a chore!! i love playing minecraft and sewing and drawing and writing but it all feels Bad rn#and on top of that i dont even wanna talk to my partner for some reason. i love them a lot but my brain keeps going 'you should just never#speak to them again. because why the fuck not.' and i dont know why.#(riot if you see this it is not about you)#but. idk. i just wanna have a breakdown but i dont wanna have it alone but also. i dont have anyone irl.#i should text ms v and meet with her probably. she would let me hug her. she would understand.#on top of all the emotional and social bs ive also got my perpetual family issues to deal with and im. so tired.#i want to move away somehow#but even dorms might not be possible because i fucked up my grades as i usually do. great job jet.#idk i just wish i could be mentally well and have friends and parents that weren't shit#sigh#a guy can dream!#delete later
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ok actually yeah. i really need to do dishes and go to bed and not stay up late mentalillnessposting a little too viscerally on tumblr the night before i facilitate a workshop in front of the literal president of the university and the vp of my division (LOL about that btw. actively shitting my pants.) but oh my GOD. so saying goodbye to lia was actually fine in the moment. neither of us cried and we talked about all the ways we’ll still be in each others lives and reasons we’ll have to interact in the near future. and she gave me an extremely heartfelt thoughtful gift and we left on a very hopeful note and i felt better and content bc there’s still the rest-of-life and we’ll see each other there. but like an hour before that as i mentioned i was HYSTERICALLY sobbing. in full view of people i know AND people i don’t. and i just sat there and sobbed while everything carried on around me. everything carried on around me!!! and i feel like im about to sob again thinking about it.
#purrs#delete later#idk. i typed a bunch here and then deleted it and now idk what to say. i just feel so lonely. i have had fucked up relationships with every#single older adult in my life and never had someone who could a) stay in my life b) be consistently present in my life c) meet my emotional#needs d) actually See me and accept me for who i am. Like not one person who can be all four of those things. and i have to be all four of t#those things for myself now because im 24 and i missed my chance. but how fucking shitty and painful is that? especially after a year like t#this. the way it’s literally ending the SAME way last year did. huge scary promotion (which i haven’t even talked about on here or to anyone#but lia today actually. but it might be huger and scarier than i thought. which is good but also HUGE -‘d scary. and not a bad thing of bc o#course but it’s so fucking… perilous? like it makes me feel profoundly imperiled because i have extremely good reason to feel that way. and#i have to endure the mortifying ordeal of applying for my own job AGAIN after the first time was so horrible. lol) and also losing a beloved#mentor figure who understood me in a way no one else did which mattered immensely even if they couldn’t do the whole presence thing or#whatever. and now i only have one older adult in my life left (aside from my therapist who doesn’t really count bc i only see her once a#week and we barely know each other still) who is like. here and helping me and i KNOW i am so sick in the head i KNOW and i should not be#writing it but every single day i am fucking terrified that i am being or will be separated from him emotionally or physically jsut like all#the others so. LOL!!!!! i am normal and well adjusted. but it’s like so fucking painful because im grasping at straws but again the reality#is im 24 and the only people on this earth who it is fair for me to expect all 4 from and who should’ve provided it to me are my parents.#and i missed my chance with them forever and now i have to do it myself. and that’s ok sometimes and i can handle it… except in the moments#where im sobbing hysterically and everything carries on. when i am in my darkest moments i want to run to an older adult and have them#comfort me but i truly cannot do that with any of the ones i still have left / regularly interact with for so many reasons. and it’s so#painful it makes me sick sometimes. and now i have to be the romy and the lia i wish to see in this world. but how can i do that when i#haven’t finished grieving over them leaving which feels like leaving ME — NOW — in this moment when i have never needed more support of that#kind more. how can isummon it within myself. im not ready yet. i need a long hug and a hand to hold that won’t (have to) let go. when im#crying i need someone to take me somewhere and comfort me and calm me down. and im 24 so i can’t ask for it. but oh my god i need it. and i#missed my chance. and lia left today and she only ever did that for me metaphorically but… tonight i feel more alone than ever.#and it’s like i don’t even have the emotional intelligence or whatever to ASK for that. bc im playing by ear and i don’t know how to read#the music of it. im self taught. that fucking sucks. that SUCKSSS. also that’s too strong a way to put it liek obviously my friends who are#closer to my age are INTEGRAL to me being able to function and i learn from them and cherish their support. but just like i can’t be a mom#to me my friends can’t either. so it’s like what the fuck do i do. get steamrolled by relentless grief and rage every day i guess.#also side note. everything carried on when i was in brighton too. i came home early ofc but it’s like nothing changed in my absence. and#that has fucked me up SUPREMELY. i think that might be a root of it. like hm… it seems my presence doesn’t have impacts. but idk
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#damn babygirl i wish people checked up on me more#this self conscious catgirl is so tired#sometimes i WISH people just came into my dms to ask me if im ok#i do it constantly to others because i hope theyre not as sad as i am feeling in that moment#genuinely afraid to have made someone feel bad and drive them away from me#and omg i feel nyself running thin again just bc im afraid to lose the interactions we have altogether because i cant process certain media#in a healthy way whatsoever and i get super hung up on thinfs that really dont matter that much in the end#YEAH IM RAMBLING IT'S 5:30 AM AND I COULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW BUT INSTEAD IM JUST CRYING FOR A STUPID REASON!!#i think ive only had one person check up on me based off the vibes in chat i gave off alone in the past couple of months#which was baffling and surreal btw and i think it broke something within me#it came from someone i wouldve never expected to even notice because sometimes it feels like its such a vast difference between us#i sometimes even wonder how are we friends in the first place#like do i even deserve to call this person my friend do they feel like that? or are we just discord acquaintances?#anyway all this just made me sad and my dumb ass is crying and yearning to be loved by my online peers thats all lol. meows pathetically#idk i guess i just.want to hear / see it more rather than just teying to tell myself that over and over hoping im not deluding myself abt i#personal#sorry for the emotions dump idk whats wrong with me tonight actually#me having to come to terms with the reality that i actually have a following and this might get boticed by more than 2 ppl#bc not everyone follows 3k blogs like i am :skull emoji: yknow#im probably gonna delete later because im actually a super self conscious person to the point i get nauseatingly anxious about it holy shit#i dont vent often and im 120% keeping it in but when i do oh boy#the dam bursts and im left like a sopping wet dog on the floor looking like a sad blob#which i am feeling like right now!#vent#emy rambles#ALSO LIKE THIS ISNT TO SAY IM NOT GRATEFUL FOR MY FRIENDS OMG I AM#k really am#sometimes its still like. idk. unbelievable to me that people are genuinely interacting with me and the things i write or headcanon#and i shouldn't expect them to know whats wrong with me or if i feel bad if i dont say it or communicate that to them#but yknow one can yearn
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guess who tried cutting her bangs by herself again and did even worse than last time😀
#i look horrible#i kind of want to cry#everyone is going to laugh at me tomorrow#and i'm too sensitive for that#look. i normally don't really care all too much about how i look and all that jazz like appearance isn't even close to my number one thing#in life like i don't wear makeup i mostly wear crocs and sweatshirts but like... for the longest time my hair was like the One thing i#liked about myself and now it looks so ugly and i'm working with juniors in high school and i Know they're going to laugh at me either to#my face or behind my back and it's going to sting and like i'm not exaggerating y'all i cut them Way too short and they're so uneven even#tho i tried to make them even and it just. it looks so bad i just. frick. idk. idk idk idk i'm just feeling Awful right now#i should've just waited#frick#sorry#might delete this later#just need to rant to someone who won't laugh when they see my bangs because i Know my family would and someone who won't like. make me feel#bad for trying to cut them myself so. that means y'all get to see this sorry
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