#might be the best thing i've done with year and it was in the span of 2 days

[katunei999]

Merry Christmas, Season's Greetings, and Happy Holidays from Dante and Olive!

[thankeywa]

Star-crossed | Lo'ak x fem!human!reader part 3/?

A.N: Omg part 3 finally, thank you for all your patience my lovelies, this story is still ongoing and yeah, I'm back baby. Also shh, shh, I've been reading a lot of Goethe, okay?

Warnings: once again, both Lo'ak and the reader are 20y/o, , MINORS DO NOT INTERACT with this or anything on my accounts. NSFW!!! mentions of smoking (don't do it, I'm begging), brief mentions of a/b/o dynamics (nesting), intense making out, heavy petting.

words: 3.3K

summary: reader is a human left behind on pandora, she grew up with the remaining humans who'd been aloud to stay on the planet after the war and has been friends with the Sully clan her entire life. She and Lo'ak were best friends until he began to pull away from her in their teen years for seemingly no reason. This story is about them reconnecting on the day of her twentieth birthday, and dealing with the feelings they have for each other and the obstacles that come with them being from two different worlds.

part 1 part 2 part 4 SEND ME LO'AK REQUESTS

tag list: @aleromania , @ghostjoohoney, @cherry-blossom34, @stephenandfiveswhore , @neteyamforlife, @mochi-yu , @halibanana @notquitehero @vanillacoffeeaddict @kitsune0077 @mara-brekker @sully-stick-together @luthien-naenderthal @phantomalex14 @vanillawhale @omiivr @barbii04 @grierpilots @itszzmoon @wavyteals

Na'vi words:

Ngaytxoa= I'm sorry

“I have so much in me, and the feeling for her absorbs it all; I have so much, and without her it all comes to nothing.”  ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, The Sorrows of Young Werther.

Lo'ak had gotten himself into an infinite array of stupidly frightful and dangerous situations in his lifetime. He was more than used to the feeling of his life flashing before his eyes. But nothing, not even the very real threat he'd just escaped of being mauled alive by a Thanator had scared him quite as much as what y/n had just done. Eywa was the keeper of all life on Pandora, and that life hung on a very precarious balance. Everything that was taken will eventually be given back, and vice versa. What was the price that now hung over his own life?

"What have you done?" He hissed at y/n as she got up and turned away from him, her arms crossed over her chest. "Is everything a joke to humans? Eywa is not a friend you can simply ask a favor from-"

"I saved your life!" She snapped back at him, livid from being compared to the rest of the Sky people. But of course, y/n knew by now that was all she was to him. "I don't need you to lecture me, I knew exactly what I was doing and I'm ready to pay the consequences, whatever they may be. I'm not a child, Lo'ak. I can make my own decisions, I figured you of all people would understand."

"Understand?" Lo'ak almost laughed, completely dumbfounded by her words. "Understand what? That you're on a path to destroying yourself? Don't think I don't know what you were doing outside before." He gave her a hard stare, now standing up to tower over her. Y/n felt herself go very pale. She had never intended for anyone to find out about her smoking, and even though it was none of Lo'ak's business, she still felt deeply ashamed.

"So that's what you were doing out there. Spying on me-" Y/n decided to accuse him back, but Lo'ak wasn't going to let her get off that easy. "Nah, nah, we're still talking about you here. Kiri told us her mother was addicted to those things. You might think I'm some dumb savage and try to lie to my face, but I know exactly what they are and what they do to your body!"

Y/n was taken aback. Lo'ak was seething and physically shaking. She knew how much he loved his family, and understood why her vice would have been a slap in the face to his sister, but his reaction was still out of order. Little did she know that her already shorter life span compared to his own weighed on him more and more with each passing day, and discovering she was actively cutting her own life short was a blow to the heart.

"Oh look who's talking! When have you, Lo'ak Sully, ever stopped yourself once from being reckless?" She retorted. "You're right about Kiri, and none of them know, so let's keep it that way. As far as my well-being is concerned, I can hardly see why that would be any of your business." Lo'ak was about to cut her off again, but she continued. "And don't you ever put words like 'dumb savage' in my mouth again. I know we haven't seen each other in so long... but how could you-" A small sob escaped her lips and she was quick to wipe a tear from her cheek. "How could you think... that I see you in such a way...?"

Lo'ak looked down at his hands in shame. He'd just gone and made y/n cry. And he didn't even have the guts to look back into her eyes, which were now brimming with tears. Why had he come? Why couldn't he have just kept himself away like he'd promised himself he would have all those years ago?

"Lo'ak, you were my... entire world. Then you left, and I accepted that you had to grow up and take on your responsibilities. I always knew you had bigger things in your future, way beyond your friendship with me..." Y/n hugged herself, holding her arms around her middle. "And if somewhere along the way you decided to hate me, I accept that too. But I won't... I won't let you turn me into this demonized version you have of me now. I don't hate you. I will never think of you as a savage. I don't care if you're here trying to start an argument with me as a way to make you cope with your sudden guilt-"

"Then what else can I do?" He snarled, finally looking back at her. "Because I've tried staying away, and somehow, I'm shit at that too."

Y/n was at a complete loss. Lo'ak wasn't making any sense. He was the one who'd made the decision to walk away from her, not the other way around. She was certain she had never given him any indication of wanting him gone from her life.

"You still don't get it, do you?" He shook his head, an awkward grin taking over his features. Though, y/n noted, she had probably never seen him in so much pain. "I need you to tell me to stay away. I need you to tell me how much you hate me, how badly I make you sick." As he said this, Lo'ak began to make his way over to where y/n was leaning against the wall, her eyes wide and glued to his.

Y/n shook her head, forgetting about why she'd been so upset, now that Lo'ak genuinely looked like he was on the verge of sanity. "No. Lo'ak I'm not going to do that. Whatever it is, whatever's going on, it's going to be-"

"No?" He asked sardonically, a frown crossing his features again before he wiped a hand down his face. "How about I tell you the real reason why I had to keep myself away from you all this time? See if you don't hate me then..."

Y/n held her breath. Not because she was scared of Lo'ak or what he was about to say, but because he was so close she was forgetting how to breathe.

Here goes nothing, thought the Na'vi. Sure that it was the last thing he was ever going to say to y/n before she chased him out of her home.

"My stupid, useless heart... made me fall for you... from the day we first met..." Lo'ak shook his head again, almost as if he was telling y/n something shameful and disgusting. Meanwhile, y/n was certain her own heart had stopped beating in her chest. "And by the time I was sixteen... I realized... there is nobody else for me... and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't-I couldn't stop myself from thinking of you in a way that was... wrong." He got down to his knees, unable to keep holding up his weight on the low ceiling above him.

"Wrong?" Y/n managed to ask in a whisper. Lo'ak was telling her all the things she could only have hoped to dream of her entire life, but he looked like he was nothing but sick to his stomach as he was saying them to her. She reached out to him, trying to touch his face as she got on the tip of her toes. "Those are the most beautiful words anyone has ever said to me. And I'm hearing them from you, Lo'ak. How could any of this be wrong?"

Lo'ak retracted from her touch almost as if he'd been burnt and all of a sudden, his anger back with a force.

"Look at me!" He cried out, tail whipping back and forth, while his ears were drawn back and his fangs were on full display. "No, really look at me, y/n. Because I know you're smart, so please don't pull that naive bullshit on me..."

Of course, y/n knew what Lo'ak was talking about, but she'd always felt like the one who was wrong for him and not the other way around. "I'm-I'm not being naive, Lo'ak. I'm just saying... that I've waited my whole life to hear you say those words, even though it's selfish of me to even think you could be with me... I'll never be able to keep up with you physically, I'm the one who will never understand what it's like to make a bond. I can't give you a family nor will I ever pass all the hurdles to be a true Omaticaya."

Listening to y/n words made Lo'ak realize how wrong he'd been in thinking he was alone in his heartbreak. He pulled y/n in his arms, mindful of how small and frail she was compared to him. She laughed a little through her tears and held on to him, knowing that was his way of apologizing to her. "The way look has nothing to do with this... no actually, maybe if you weren't such a handsome skxawng, we wouldn't be in this mess right now..." She giggled and he hissed at her playfully, but his somber mood quickly returned.

"I don't care about all those things you just said... about the clan, about having kids..." He said, his voice now sounding raw. "And you're wrong... the way I am physically, compared to you, has everything to do with this. Y/n I can't even fit in your home without having to get on my knees..." Y/n pressed her forehead against his chest, listening to his heartbeat steadily rise. "You know, I hated when dad used to measure our height... every time it felt like I was getting further and further away from you-"

"But that's not true Lo'ak-"

"How are you not afraid? I could easily break you in my hands as you are now without having to try..." Y/n looked up at him, her face showing no signs of worry. Only absolute trust. "You don't know what it's like... I live with the fear of accidentally slicing your skin open with my fangs, of hurting you when I want nothing more than to be the one who makes you feel good and safe..."

Y/n felt her face go red, and she noticed Lo'ak's cheeks livening up with color too at the sound of his own confession. She felt somewhat guilty, seeing as he'd just confessed a very real and damaging fear to her, but now it was almost impossible to get certain scenarios out of her head. While she was aware the Na'vi mated for life, she'd come to know from Neteyam and Kiri that sex before 'bonding' forever with someone was pretty common. She was certain Lo'ak had already had his fair share of experience and being with him was not going to prevent him from someday finding his true mate. Y/n was safe in the knowledge she wouldn't be taking anything away from him if they tried, and she was willing to be a distraction in his life for as long as he would let her. It was more than she could have hoped for anyway.

"Ngaytxoa, forgive me, t-that was..." He rambled. "I shouldn't have-"

"Yawne..." Y/n cooed, immediately leaving him at a loss for words. "I know you're scared, but maybe you should let me decide what I can or cannot handle." She said, letting her small hands run down his neck and over the expanse of his chest as she gently pulled away from him to stand up.

Lo'ak gulped. Audibly. His eyes never leaving her once.

Y/n placed both of her hands on his face and leaned in to peck his lips softly.

Lo'ak felt at that moment as if he were floating on thin air. Everything that had been worrying him up until that moment simply ceased to exist. He hesitated, hands hovering at her sides as he wasn't quite sure what to do with them. No one had ever wanted to be this close to him before, and to be completely honest, he was touch starved. His tail, however, had a mind of its own, and it came to wind itself tightly around y/n's ankle, making her pull away slightly and giggle. "Old habits die hard, I see."

He gave her a bashful look and scratched the back of his neck nervously as he willed his tail to free y/n from its vice. "Sorry... I'm not- I'm not really used to this..." She frowned at his words, gently running her hands through his braids. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not exactly... considered to be attractive... by the rest of the clan, I mean..." Lo'ak fumbled awkwardly with his hands. "The only people who ever wanted to get close to me did it as a way to get to my brother, and... I could never bring myself to see them the way I see you anyway..." This came as a shock to y/n. How could nobody else see Lo'ak? He was a true warrior, through and through just like his brother. He could have flown circles around anyone else on his ikran. He had a good heart, one completely devoted to his family and clan.

And even more shockingly...

"But you're so hot!" She blurted out, genuinely confused and immediately regretting her words. The cocky look on Lo'ak face made her understand he was going to take his way out of having a serious conversation by teasing her. Some things never changed.

"Ah, is that so?" Lo'ak goaded her, before striking a pose to show off his biceps. "This doing it for you?" He asked, raising an inquisitive brow at her. Y/n shoved him, barely even making him blink. "You are so stupid." She huffed, leaving the room.

"No, wait, hey!" Lo'ak laughed. "What happened to me being so hot?" He called after her. Lo'ak never thought things between him and y/n would ever have gone back to being so simple, but somehow, at that moment, it felt like they'd never stopped being friends.

He followed y/n, stepping into her room. Lo'ak hadn't been there in a long time, but not much had changed. Y/n was in the middle of dragging two mattresses down to the floor to make a makeshift bed Lo'ak could fit in, and his immediate instinct was to help her. The scene before him stunted him, however. He knew Y/n was no stranger to having Na'vi guests over, but watching her neatly sort out a bunch of pillows and blankets she'd woven into a quilt for him, immediately made him of one thing: nesting.

Lo'ak had to immediately shake that thought out of his head before he seriously embarrassed himself just from having uncovered a new way of seeing y/n in his dreams. He was more than certain that she knew nothing of heat or rut cycles since they were pretty rare and something that his siblings probably hadn't told her about since it was a rather private matter.

"Oh please, just keep standing there looking pretty while I make your bed for the night, jerk face." Y/n teased him when she caught him staring at her. Lo'ak got a running start before jumping into the 'bed', pulling her down on top of him and making the walls of her bedroom shake in the process. "Skxawng! Do you want my entire house to come down on our heads?" She laughed with him, shoving at his chest playfully.

"You called me yawne." Lo'ak said out of the blue as he stared up at y/n, carefully running his fingers through her hair. "Before."

"And you've only just realized? My, I guess it's true what they say about beauty-" Y/n pinched one of Lo'ak's cheeks and he retaliated by giving her a not-so-convincing hiss. "Smart-ass." He name-called her, before softly pinching one of her thighs, making her yelp in surprise.

He snorted at her cute little sound, but y/n had the last laugh when she decided to shut him up with a kiss. Lo'ak was quick to respond this time, and everything felt different. Y/n's body melted against him as she lay across his chest, and his arm were quick to wrap around her: one of them securing itself around her middle while the other reached down to her thigh. Everything about her felt like a dream to him, and his hand roamed her body with nothing except the upmost reverence for her. "You know..." Lo'ak mumbled in between kisses. "I was actually... trying to say something..." He sighed against her mouth when she dragged her teeth across his bottom lip. "Just now..."

"I know..." She smiled against his lips, not really intent on stopping. "It just takes you... so long... to get to the point..." she mused, taking her chance when Lo'ak opened his mouth to protest, and dragged her tongue over his fangs. The Na'vi felt himself go cross-eyed, knowing for sure he was now sporting an obvious erection.

Y/n looked back up at him when she felt his excitement brush up against her, and Lo'ak didn't know what to do. Kissing, he'd just discovered, was more than okay. They could do it, and safely too. But mating was out of the question, it didn't matter how persuasive y/n thought she was, he would die before hurting her like that.

The human girl couldn't help herself, scooching back all the way down Lo'ak's torso until she was finally sitting up in his lap, her thighs straddling him at both sides as she let out a whine of relief at the friction.

Lo'ak's eyes almost bulged out of his head in arousal and alarm, hastily pulling y/n back to where she'd been lying on top of him originally with a grunt of frustration. "Nah, ke-he, we are not doing that." He tried to be firm in his words, but he definitely heard his voice break at least twice in that single sentence.

Y/n knew Lo'ak was only saying it because he was scared for her well-being, and while she wished to someday change his mind, her yawne had just told her 'no' and she was certainly not going to ignore his feelings, nor would she have ever questioned him in this particular scenario. "Okay, yawne, I'm sorry." She spoke to him lovingly and kissed the knuckles of his right hand.

"You called me yawne again." Lo'ak said, those deep feelings of inadequacy hitting him back in full force. What kind of lover even deserved that title if he couldn't even make the person he cared the most about in the world feel good? "And I can't- I can't even-" He couldn't even make love to her.

"Lo'ak, we don't have to go all the way right at this second if you don't want to... " Y/n placed both of her hands on his chest, feeling the beat of his heart as he sat up and looked down at her, not entirely sure what she was talking about. "Honestly, just rutting down against you felt... well, you felt big and-" She got flustered and momentarily forgot what she was supposed to say. Lo'ak looked like he was going to have a heart attack if she was ever to repeat the words 'you' and 'big' in the same sentence ever again.

"W-what I mean is... you can touch me, i-if you want." Y/n removed her top, exposing her top half to him. "And I want to touch you. If that's okay..."

Lo'ak realized then he might have stood a better chance outside with the Thanator.

[lousypotatoes]

I've Got A Smile On My Face

Pt. 1 Pt. 2 Pt. 3 Pt. 4 Pt. 5 Pt. 6 Pt. 7 Pt. 8 Pt. 9 Pt. 10 Pt. 11 Pt. 12

Song Recommendation:

Always - Irving Berlin

Warning! This chapter contains depictions of panic attacks, and graphic violence! If this triggers you or makes you uncomfy in any way shape or form, please read with caution.

90 years ago...

It had been six months since Alastor kissed Y/N on her front porch. As expected, the two of them were now an item.

During the span of those six months, everything was absolutely perfect. The flower shop was thriving, Alastor's radio show was more popular than ever, Jasper didn't come by the shop since their interaction, and most importantly, Alastor and Y/N were so very much in love, Y/N felt that she fell more in love with him every time she saw him.

The only thing she didn't like about their relationship was the big secret she had to keep from him.

There were times that she oh so badly wanted to tell Alastor that her real job was killing people, and that running the flower shop was a cover up, but she was terrified that he was going to be disgusted with her, and leave her.

And Y/N didn't know what she would do if Alastor left.

It was mid afternoon, almost noon. The weather outside was very rainy and very stormy. Y/N was arranging the shelves, making sure the flower buds were facing the front.

It always annoyed her when customers would look at flowers and not put them back the correct way.

When she was done, she walked to the register and counted the money.

She sighed. Business was very slow that day, obviously because of the rain. She had almost considered closing the shop up early and going home, but felt it was better to just stay, just in case any customers came in after the rain cleared up.

Sitting down the chair behind the counter, Y/N put her head in her hands, bored as ever.

Hopefully Alastor would come and visit her. He always did, but Y/N thought he might not today obviously because of the stormy weather.

To her surprise and delight, she heard the bell ring, signaling that there was a customer.

"Hello can I help yo-Alastor!"

"Hello, my love," Alastor said, swooping down to catch Y/N in a kiss.

Y/N would never get tired of kissing Alastor, no matter how many time she did kiss him. It was like magic every time.

"How has your day been?" Alastor asked as he pulled away.

"Very slow, but much better now that you're here," Y/N smiled. "How was yours?"

"As slow as molasses," Alastor sighed. "I had to cancel all my broadcasts today because of this damn weather."

"Oh, that's a shame," she said. "It seems like this weather is bringin' everybody down."

"You can say that again," he said. "You thinking of heading home early?"

"I was thinkin' 'bout it," she replied. "I think I'll stick around for a few more hours."

"Well, if you're not busy tonight," Alastor said, grabbing onto her hips. "How about dinner at my place?"

"Depends," Y/N said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Are you gonna be the one cookin'?"

"Of course," he chuckled.

"Then I'll have to take a rain check on that," she giggled. "Dinner sounds nice, what time should I swing by?"

"I prefer around six," Alastor answered..

"Six it is," Y/N said. "You gonna head back home?"

"I suppose so, yes. I gotta tidy up a bit."

"All that for me?"

"Only the best for you, my dear," Alastor said, sincere. "I'll catch you later tonight."

"Aw, alright," Y/N pouted. "If I ain't there by at least seven, you better come and get me and drag me back to your place."

"Alright, I will, I promise," he laughed before leaning down and placing his lips on Y/N's.

The kiss was sweet and loving, as it always was. The way their lips perfectly molded against each other, like they were made for each other, made Y/N's heart feel like it was about to burst.

The only reason they broke apart was so they could breath air.

If Y/N could, she would make Alastor her air.

"Goodbye, Al," she smiled up at him. "I love you."

"I love you most," he said, before letting go of her.

He gave her one more smile before walking out of the shop, the bell ringing, signaling his leave.

Y/N walked back behind the counter, a dreamy smile on her face.

"I'm going to marry that man someday," she dreamily said to herself.

Even though it was rainy and story outside, nothing could ruin this perfect day.

It was 5:45 in the evening. Y/N was counting the money in the register for the twelfth time that day.

Besides Alastor, only three other people came in the shop that day.

Screw the rainy weather. No one even likes rain that much anyway.

Looking up at the clock, Y/N decided that she was going to stop working, and head over to Alastor's

Going into the back room, she put the money into a safe under a fake floorboard, checked her nightly schedule for that week (thankfully she only had to kill two people that week), and grabbed her umbrella and her raincoat, preparing to go into the cold rainy weather.

Walking out of the back room, she was stopped dead in her tracks, a look of fear and despair on her face.

"J-Jasper," she choked. "What are you doin' here?"

The two of them hadn't interacted since the incident in the flower shop six months ago. Y/N had hoped that Jasper had taken the hint and decided to leave her alone.

But this was Jasper we're talking about, and things never were easy with him, no matter how big or small the situation was.

"Just came to say hi," he said, a sadistic and gleeful smile on his face. He was holding something behind his back, but Y/N didn't know what.

"It's been a while since we've seen each other, thought we could catch up a bit."

He started to walk closer to Y/N, she started to back up.

"So now you're with that mama's boy, Alastor Altruist, huh?" he said, still grinning. "Didn't think you would be into a weirdo like that, but oh well."

Y/N didn't say anything, too frozen in fear to say a single word.

Jasper then revealed what was behind his back. It was a long, thin, razor sharp blade, the kind that Y/N would use when she didn't feel like using any of her guns.

If you wanted to kill someone real quick, you would use a blade like the one Jasper had.

Y/N's eyes widened in fear and terror.

She had a small pistol in her office, but there was no way she was going to be able to get it without putting up a fight.

"Y'know darling," he drawled, creeping very slowly towards her. "I didn't quite like the things you said to me the last time we talked.

Y/N gulped, slowly inching herself towards a shelf holding a dozen flower vases.

Jasper didn't notice. "Not gonna say anything, huh?" he asked, eyes glinting sinisterly.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you, I'm just gonna spill your fuckin' guts out."

Jasper lunged at Y/N, ready to strike.

Quickly, Y/N grabbed one of the vases on the shelf, and smashed it over Jasper's head, glass shards and flowers going everywhere all over the floor.

"You bitch!" Jasper snarled. He stopped in his tracks for a moment, clutching his bleeding head.

Y/N took this opportunity to try and run out of the front door.

She decided that it was stupid if she locked herself in her back room. If she ran out the front door, she could just run to the nearest public place and get help.

She was just a few feet from the door, when Jasper grabbed onto her wrist, twisting it hard.

Y/N turned around and was getting ready to punch him in the jaw, but that was replaced with a cry of pain and anguish.

Jasper had stabbed Y/N in the stomach, just above where her belly button was.

Y/N's eyes widened in surprise and fear, crying out again when Jasper stabbed her a second time.

"How does that feel?" he whispered. "Doesn't feel too good does it?"

"F-" Y/N stuttered. "Fuck you!"

With a snarl, Jasper stabbed her in the shoulder.

Blood was oozing out of all three of her stab wounds, staining both her and Jasper's clothes, and staining the white marble tile.

Jasper dragged her away, propping her in a siting position behind the counter.

"No one's gonna find you right here," he smirked. "Besides, you'll die in at least thirty minutes anyway."

Y/N knew that wasn't right, but didn't say anything, scared out of her mind.

What was she going to do?

She wasn't ready to die.

She didn't want to die.

What would happen to her shop?

What would happen to precious dog, Honey?

What would happen to Alastor?

As one last 'fuck you', Jasper bent down, kissed Y/N's sweaty forehead, and walked out the front door, the bell chiming.

As soon as he left, Y/N tried to get off the ground. She tried at least five times. But each time she tried, she failed, she fell back onto the ground with a painful wail.

After the fifth time, she stared up at the ceiling, wondering what would happen when someone found her body.

Maybe this was karma for all the people she had killed over the fifteen years she had been an assassin, she thought.

As Y/N thought about it more, she actually didn't feel like she was going to die. Yes, it was painful, but it just felt like she hadn't had any sleep in a really long time.

And she really wanted to sleep.

She looked up at the clock. It was 5:58.

She laughed dryly. If only she had left a little bit earlier, even if it was just a minute, she wouldn't of been on the floor bleeding out.

With one last sigh coming out of her mouth, she closed her eyes, succumbing to the darkness, and passed out thinking about Alastor and her dog.

In no way she was ready to die, or wanted to, but she accepted that there was nothing she could do, and that this was karma.

She deserved to die, she thought

CLIFFHANGER

i wont be uploading any time this weekend or next weekend because i'll be in disneyland

i'm so excited

stay safe and drink lots of water <33

xoxo, Izzy

Taglist 💋

@maksdust @trippoverrt @slytherin4ever @lucifers-silhouette @a-small-tyrant

@mo-0-o @cutiebimbo @mommymilkers0526 @mikariell95 @al-of-the-stars

@martinys-world @bibliophile-yomna @mysticwitchcraftco @notsoaverageguy-1997 @flamewriterr

[silverskye13]

Hello! I'm one of your readers and admirers, been sending asks before too - it's just the topic makes me self-conscious.

You're writing very long and articulated things, with intricate details, and you're pretty darn good at it - so I believe you can give advice here. Do you ever feel discomfort/anxiety about writing long works in form like "it will take me ages to do it, and if I can't finish it will haunt me forever"? Do you have any methods of fighting it?

Oh hmm. Well! I used to have those anxieties yes. I haven't had them for a while. My method of fighting it is less of a fight, and more of a,,, change in perspective I suppose.

So, I don't go into any project assuming I will finish it.

Now, important note: I go into every project wanting to finish it. Most things I work on, especially long form things, have a finish line. I know generally how I want the story to go, and why, and I go into it knowing that it will change and evolve as the project continues. The finish line might get farther away, or rarely, closer, if I cut things down.

But I've stopped assuming something I start will ever get done.

This does a few things for me. Firstly, it takes away the guilt of "but if I don't finish! I won't be able to live with myself!" My goal was never to finish, so there is no guilt attached to not finishing.

[Well, that's a lie. I do feel a little guilty about unfinished projects, but it's "I should get back around to that someday" guilt, and not "this is a personal failing that is indicative of my character" guilt.]

The other thing that not starting a project purely to finish it does, is it recontextualizes your goals and rewards. The good feelings you get from working on the project, and making your shorter term goals, becomes the motivation to keep working on it, as opposed to a much farther away and more ephemeral end goal of "done someday."

If you have already made the goal of "done someday" on a long term project, and you have pinned your sense of success to it, the best advice I personally can give, is to unpin your sense of success from that far away point. That point might be years away, and while some people can definitely wait years for payoff, I, personally, can't. I need something closer and smaller. Otherwise I get worn down and tired, because I am slogging on something very emotionally taxing that isn't paying me back in any way. Why would I do that? That's very rude to myself! We don't suffer for art around here!

I would recommend instead, picking a closer point. If you're writing a long fic, pick a scene you really want to reach. [I pick several. If you ever hear me ramble about "story arcs" it's a product of this.] If you're making a comic, pick a scene, chapter/page number, or character introduction you're excited for. If you're making a video game, pick several programming or story milestones, etc.

Base your success on reaching those milestones. You will get your dopamine rush from Doing The Thing. Congratulate yourself! Bask in it! Celebrate the small milestone the same way you would the finish line. Buy a favorite treat, take the weekend off to rest, gush about it to your friends. It might feel silly the first few times you do it. That's fine! You're training your brain to appreciate milestones. Your brain will figure out what you're doing and get with the program.

Aside from milestone goals, I think it's also good to remember, a project is never abandoned if you don't want it to be? Like, really embrace that idea. Unless some fortune teller has divined the exact date and time of your death, for all you know, you have ten, twenty, hell, fifty years to finish your project. Long Term Project has no end date [unless you are professionally publishing something with a company, in which case, you have negotiated your end date with a client.] You can say "I'm tired of this for now", drop it and come back later. You aren't a failure for needing a break -- even if that break spans years, and you pick up 3 more long term projects in between. I have been working on a webcomic for 3 years now. It has 30 pages, and I take 6 months breaks in between working on it. I don't see that as a personal failing.

I don't know, I feel like this is getting a bit incoherent. Long story short: most people's anxieties about long term projects [and their ability to finish them] have to do with being deeply unkind to themselves, I feel. You aren't a publishing house. You aren't a TV show producer. You aren't a film director. You are one person, working on something potentially massive. Recognize that will take time. Recognize taking your time isn't a bad thing. Recognize you might need to take breaks -- long ones. Recognize that you need sustaining goals that are small yes, smaller than finishing, but also deeply, deeply important. And also recognize if you can't finish your long term project? That's not a moral failing. You're allowed to walk down the road with an idea, love it to bits, and then change enough as a person through the process, that it no longer serves you. And then you can drop it.

Do not make the end goal of a long project your finish line. If you do, every project you don't finish is a disappointment. Make finishing the project the happy accident that came from working on it long enough.

[novelmonger]

So I'm a pretty big LotR fan. And I'm a pretty big fan of the movies. No, they're not perfect, but they're a really good adaptation and a truly masterful work of cinematic art. I've grown pretty familiar with the movies over the past 23 years (@_@) - and not just the movies themselves, but I also love learning all about how they were made. I've watched all the way through all the bonus material in the Extended Editions at least five times (and some of the more fun bits way more times than that XD). I've even watched all three movies with the cast commentary.

But you know what I've never done, not even at the height of my obsession when I had way more free time than I do now? I've never watched the movies with the other commentaries. It looks like there are three more commentaries, with different groups of various people on the crew, and for some reason I never got around to listening through them. I can't for the life of me think why - maybe I thought I already knew everything they'd talk about? maybe I somehow thought it would be boring??? - but today that changes!

I'm going to just jot down the main things that stick out to me that I didn't know before. I've gleaned a lot of BTS information and stories about these movies from various sources, so I'm not sure how long this will be, but I'm sure there will be some new things that jump out at me.

From the FotR writer/director commentary with Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens, and Fran Walsh:

There was a draft of the script where they didn't have a prologue, and all the information about Sauron and the Ring and Gollum and everything was going to be in that conversation between Frodo and Gandalf @_@ Can you imagine? I mean, yeah, it would be more like the book, but At What Cost? (At the cost of several memes and short attention spans, that's what.)

Peter Jackson says he doesn't like magic or wizards in movies. Um...sir? Why the heck are you making fantasy movies then???

The location where they shot the Ford of Bruinen was a real ford that was used during the gold rush in New Zealand! Because New Zealand had a gold rush around the same time as the one in the U.S.!

Hugo Weaving actually did the voice of Isildur when he claims the Ring and says, "No." I have...questions.

Peter Jackson says the journey through Moria is the best sequence in the book, and Fran and Philippa say it's the best-written chapter. Interesting! I don't know what I would point to as the best-written chapter of FotR; I don't think I've ever thought of that (though I might say some of the best descriptions in this book are in Rivendell).

They said they might redo the Gollum scene in Moria to make him look more like he does in TTT. Uhhh...it's been 23 years, guys, where's my remaster? XD

The Frodo-Gandalf conversation in Moria (the "all we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us" conversation) was done with forced perspective??? I never realized that! I thought they just had Elijah sit a little lower than Ian so their eyelines would be right! They totally look like they're looking into each other's eyes, but they're not! :O

"Often in movies, that's a rare thing, to have shots in which nothing is real." - Oh, PJ, if you only knew what the state of things would be in two decades....

The scene of the Fellowship mourning Gandalf outside Moria was filmed before Ian McKellan had even arrived in New Zealand! :O So they were all mourning and reacting to the death of someone they probably weren't even sure what he looked like yet!

Sean Bean was apparently the only one of the primary actors who had any experience with a sword? Or at least he had the most experience. Viggo had to do the Weathertop fight scene on his first day, when he'd never touched a sword before @_@

In Boromir's death scene, the words sung by the chorus in the background is an Elvish translation of Faramir's line "I do not love the bright sword for its sharpness, nor the arrow for its swiftness, nor the warrior for his glory. I love only that which they defend." ;A;

At one point, they were going to have Frodo fighting off an Uruk-Hai before he goes into the boat??? They even shot some of the footage?! Thankfully, they realized that was completely the wrong way to go about his end to this movie; it needed to be an emotional climax, not an action scene, and Frodo's victory is over his own doubts and the Ring's influence on him, when he grasps the Ring and marches forward to continue on his Quest, alone if need be. Thank goodness they realized that before it was too late.

SEAN ASTIN WAS NOT UNDERWATER IN THE SHOT OF HIM DROWNING WHAAAAAT MIND BLOWN

The shot of Boromir's boat going over the edge of the waterfall was actually footage of a barrel going over the Niagara Falls, and they just used CG to replace the barrel with the boat O.O

Fran Walsh: So Viggo's just put on Boromir's gauntlets... Me, a nerd: Vambraces, actually.

[backgroundagent3]

hey!! hope you're doing well!!

i know you're reading funny story right now (ahhh) and probably have a long tbr so there's no pressure to read this but i just read the ex vows by jessica joyce and i think you might like it!!!

it reminded me a lot of happy place in that it focused on a found family of friends and how they changed over the years, and it was a second chance romance, and there's a wedding they're prepping for, but it also felt completely like its own new and different thing! i think it's one of the best non-emily henry romances i've ever read and it's the kind of romance that emily henry writes, where it's more emotional and focuses a lot on the character journey.

anyways, since happy place is your favorite emily henry i thought i'd let you know about it!!

Hii! I'm doing good! Thank you so much for the recommendation, I always struggle a lot finding new books to read. I've got a couple of books I'd like to read first, but it sounds so good, I'm so excited!! I just loved the whole vibe of Happy Place, and I love reading about found families, so I'll add it to my tbr.

I'm almost done with Funny Story and on the one hand I can't wait to finish it and tell you about it, but I also never want it to end!

Also I forgot to tell you I finally finished Daisy Jones & The Six!! It's the book that's taken me the longest to read, which is weird cause it's so good! I guess I was really busy but anyways. I loved the format so much, it's so unique, and it also makes it so easy to read! I have a really short attention span, so a book that's basically all dialogue is perfect for me. Some spoilers ahead!

The characters were so funny to me. I went in thinking it was gonna be a found family but then it turns out they all kind of hate each other. They're all so unique and fun to read about. Camila and Karen are so cool, and Warren's the comedic relief, and Pete's just some guy, and Billy's insufferable, and Daisy's also kind of insufferable, but I still loved her. I've seen a lot of people hating on Eddie, and I genuinely don't understand it?? Yes he had a short fuse, but also yes he was justified (at least in my opinion. I hated how Billy kept screwing him over).

I also loved the "where are they now bit", because here I am thinking Pete is dead throughout the whole book, and then it turns out he just had no interest in being part of the interview (which is very cool of him, I too would try to forget about my incredibly dysfunctional found family). The Julia plot twist was so cool, and I couldn't believe Camila was dead all along! I loved her so much. It was so satisfying seeing what their lives look like today, and every ending was very fitting for each character too.

Also loved reading about Karen and Graham, and even though I knew they wouldn't stay together, I was so invested, and I cried my eyes out at their ending. It's so heartbreaking, and you kind of see both POVs, which makes it even sadder.

I think it's just one of these books that leave you staring off into the distance for a while. Just seeing the lives they lead, and knowing that this is how rockstars' lives were actually like feels so special and sad and exciting, and I don't even know where I'm going with this but yeah. 10/10.

Thanks again for the recommendation, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this book! I'll try to finish Funny Story asap (I'm almost done, for real this time). <3

[my-moony-and-padfoot]

A hand to hold

Word count: 3 500

TW: eating problems, disordered eating talking about it and mentions of throwing up etc. It's set in the fifth book, kind of, it doesn't really matter but anyway Note: I wrote almost all of this in one sitting, so even though I've proofread this twice now there still might be weird bits here and there. Because quite literally this is written in the span of five hours, just my thoughts flowing, I hope you can follow :)

Sirius stared at the plate of food in front of him, there wasn't a lot, some vegetables, and chicken, but he didn't really feel like eating, the thought just made him feel sick. He closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before looking around. Tonks was sitting across from him, eating her food and chatting with Ginny, then glanced at Molly who was at the end of the table, she was already done, her head resting on her hand as she waited for everyone else to be done as well, so she could clean.

He glanced back down at his plate, swallowing down the growing sickness, before looking away. The seat on his right was empty, there was no one he could hold hands with secretly underneath the table. A simple gesture, but it just felt like home. It was something they had done since they were kids, and every time Remus was away he missed it and realized how important it actually was to him. It had been a week now and Remus should've been back yesterday, so he was starting to get worried.

Eventually, he ate a few pieces of the chicken and a few slices of the steamed carrots. It didn't really taste like anything, but at the same time it tasted too much, making him feel sick, but Sirius did his best to ignore that feeling.

When people started to be done and left the kitchen, Sirius decided to stay behind and do the cleaning, letting Molly go do whatever else she had on her endless to-do list. She thanked him before leaving the kitchen, and he just smiled before focusing on the task. Though they didn't always come along, he still liked to help her every now and then. Right now, he just needed something to do, something to do to stop the continuous buzzing in his brain.

He gathered everyone's used dishes, emptying them and washing them by hand. He had always liked washing the dishes by hand even though he could use magic, Sirius just liked doing it like that. When he was done washing and drying them, he set them back into their places.

After the kitchen was cleaned, he went upstairs and into his bedroom, well, what was now his bedroom. He had refused to sleep in his childhood bedroom, though he hadn't told the reason to anyone, not even to Remus when he had asked. The things that had happened there he had always kept to himself, and he would do it in the future too.

He was tired and wanted to sleep, it felt like he was always tired, no matter how much he'd sleep, he'd be tired even if he did nothing but lay in bed, he was just tired. He sat down on his bed, grabbing Remus' jumper from the floor where it had been left a week ago. It still faintly smelled like Remus; vanilla, and occasional cigarettes, but it wasn't enough to soothe the ache in his chest he felt when he thought about Remus.

The smell was comforting, it had always been, ever since their days in Hogwarts, it just was something he had found comfort in even in the hardest of times. That was one of the things he had missed the most during those twelve years, and still, he missed it every time Remus was away.

It was only afternoon, he had already decided not to come out of his bedroom before the next morning, so he changed into the red checkered pyjama pants, pulling Remus' jumper over his head. There was an old record player in the corner of the room, the only thing he had brought from his old bedroom. He put some classical music to play in the background, not liking the quietness of the room.

Then he laid down in the middle of his bed on his side, grabbing a pillow to hug, needing something to hold, so he could ground himself because Remus wasn't there, or no one else for that matter.

Sirius was really starting to be worried about Remus, he was meant to be back yesterday, and he wasn't. He knew Remus didn't like being where he was now, so he didn't really understand why he'd stay there for longer than he needed to.

Maybe something had happened? Something bad and he just didn't know, or simply wasn't told. What if it had been a rough full moon, and he had gotten really ill after because that happened often. Remus also didn't like to be alone after his transformation, and even though Sirius knew he technically wouldn't be alone, still he had this dreadful feeling that something was horribly wrong.

Lately, he had been thinking about Azkaban a lot, and every so often he felt like he was still there. It was this weird memory of cold stone wall on his back, the wind blowing through the bars at the small window, the Dimentors sweeping past. The incredible coldness he could feel deep in his bones, the coldness that wasn't just a feeling, but rather an emotion that made him forget and feel forgotten. It reminded him of all those nights he had spent looking at the moon, sometimes it was full, sometimes creasing, and sometimes it matched the tattoo inked on his wrist. But every time the moon came up, it brought Remus to his mind, his moony.

There was this reappearing thought where he felt like he was still prisoned, like he had always been. Like he had gone from one prison to another all his life. When he was a child, he had been locked up in his home until school, then he had spent twelve years of his life in Azkaban knowing he was innocent. And now, he was here again, back at his childhood home, without permission to go outside.

Like was trapped inside this house, no way to escape, but at the same time nothing to escape from anymore. His parents weren't there anymore, none of the horrible things he had to go through wouldn't happen anymore, it was only a memory. Maybe it was that, maybe it was the memories making him feel trapped and stuck in the same place.

It was almost three hours later when he heard a knock at his door, pulling him out of his thoughts. As he got up he realized that the music had stopped as well, how hadn't he noticed? Maybe he had drifted off or something.

Getting up made his head spin slightly, and he had to wait a moment to gain balance, but he decided to just ignore it. Sirius opened the door, seeing Tonks standing there with a cup of tea in her hands. “I thought you'd like some tea.” She said with a smile, giving the cup to Sirius, who smiled back, even though he felt nothing like smiling. He set the cup down onto the dresser next to the door, leaning against the door frame to keep himself upright as he looked at Tonks. The dizziness had grown over the past few hours more than he had expected it to, and it was hard to keep himself balanced. “Everything alright, Sirius?”

“Mm yes. Just tired. Don't worry, Dora.” She nodded, though gave him a pointed look because of the name. “Alright sorry, thanks for the tea though.”

“You're welcome.” Tonks smiled again. “Have you- Have you heard anything from Remus?” Sirius shook his head, looking away momentarily, the same dreadful feeling coming rushing back. “I'm sure he'll be back soon, try not to worry too much.”

Sirius nodded with a small smile, looking back at her, playing with a loose thread on the sleeve of his jumper. “Albus visited.” She said after a moment of silence.

“Oh.”

“Nothing new, just repeating old things, everyone didn't even have to be there.” Sirius nodded. “Anyway, I just wanted to see you before I go.”

“Say hello to your mum and dad for me.” Sirius smiled, and tonks nodded, suddenly pulling Sirius into a hug. It took him by surprise, and the tight grip hurt, but he hugged her back, patting her back a few times. “see you.”

“See you, bye, Siri.” He waved at her before slipping back into his bedroom and closing the door behind him. He grabbed the tea cup, sitting down at the desk with it, he glanced at himself in the small mirror, not really liking what he saw there. He took a small sip of the tea, it was made in the way he liked it to be, lots of honey, but today was one of those days when the sweetness of it made him want to throw up.

It wasn't the first time this was happening, Sirius knew the feeling all too well, but he never said it out loud. He didn't exactly know what it was or where it came from and why it happened. The feeling just came, and stayed, not going away.

But it had always sort have been there, the weird feeling that came with eating every now and then. When they were in school, it always got worse after the holidays, he always got thinner during the summer and Christmas breaks, and Remus had always been the one to notice. It always took some time until he'd admit what he had been doing, and talk about it and let Remus actually help.

When he was in Azkaban, he didn't get to choose what he'd eat and when he'd eat or how much. There was this same small portion of food each day, and Sirius wasn't sure if he liked that or not. But when he got out of there, he continued in that same routine without even realizing what happened until it was a little too late.

Remus had once again been the one to notice what he was doing and how he kept getting thinner and thinner whenever they saw each other. And for a few months it had been better, he had been doing good, but some time ago, it had taken a turn for the worse once again. Sirius did realize that it always got worse when Remus was away because then there was no one keeping an eye on him and his eating habits. He could do whatever he pleased without making anyone throwing worried glances at him and asking him to eat. Though sometimes he missed that too, missed the worried glances and someone just caring.

His tea had gone cold, not that it mattered, he wasn't going to drink it. He did appreciate the gesture, and he could tell tonks had seen him during dinner, and that he simply didn't eat. Because she usually didn't come to say goodbyes to him that often, she did that only when she was worried, but not worried enough to say it out loud.

Sirius got back into bed, this time getting under the covers and just listening. Someone was walking up the stairs, someone was pacing around in the bedroom above him. Doors closing and opening, stairs creaking because no one else but him knew which ones to avoid.

But after a while those sounds died out too, everyone had gone to bed, or at least locked themselves into their bedrooms. But Sirius couldn't find himself to fall asleep as the clock ticked on. He was too worried, too unwell and too scared. There was just too much of everything.

It was a few hours later when Sirius heard the front door opening downstairs, immediately making him scared, though he knew no one he didn't know had access to this place. Then someone walked up the stairs, but none of them creaked, Sirius turned to lay on his side, so he'd be facing the door.

The light that was on shined into the hallway in a way that Sirius could see the shadow of whoever would walk past. When the shadow came, it stopped in front of his door, and then the door slowly creaked open, and Remus slipped in, trying to be as quiet as possible.

“Hi.” He smiled, looking at Sirius, who smiled back with a small, but genuine smile. “I thought you'd be sleeping already.” Remus said, starting to change his clothes into something much more comfortable than what he was wearing.

When he was dressed in his pyjamas and a new clean jumper, he sat down on the edge of the bed, next to Sirius. “Why are you not sleeping?”

“Dunno.”

“Just can't sleep?” Remus started to play with Sirius' hair, twirling the curls with his fingers. Sirius shrugged. “Okay.”

“Cuddles?” Sirius asked quietly, looking up at Remus who smiled, nodding before he laid down. Sirius rested his head onto Remus' chest, closing his eyes with a content sigh. “I missed you.” He whispered, throwing one of his legs over Remus', who wrapped his arms around Sirius.

“Missed you too.” He whispered into Sirius' hair. "m'sorry, they just wouldn't let me leave when I wanted to. And Albus sent me a letter about something I had to do before I could come back.”

Sirius nodded, snuggling closer to Remus. “you're still a jumper thief.” Remus said, and Sirius could hear the slight grin in his voice. Remus had been calling him a thief as long as he could remember, he hadn't done it in a while, though. “Did twelve years teach you nothing about law?”

Sirius smiled slightly, but he didn't want to think about that now. “Don't, re. Please.”

“Okay, sorry.” He whispered, before letting the silence fall over them. Remus gently rubbed Sirius' side over his jumper, then he let his hand slip underneath his jumper. He felt Sirius' ribs, and hip bone, but Remus was sure that they stuck through more than they had before.

He felt bad that Sirius did it to himself, he didn't always do it on purpose, but sometimes he did and it always worried Remus. Sirius looked tired, dark circles under his eyes, his hair was tangled from the back and his lips chapped, like he'd forgotten to take care of himself.

“Love?” He whispered after a while, and Sirius hummed, fluttering his eyes open. “How have you been sleeping?”

“Just fine.”

“Don't have to lie to me, y'know.” He said gently, not wanting to push Sirius into talking if he didn't want to, but knowing at the same time that it would be better if they talked, it always helped, and Sirius knew that too. “I only want to help you, yeah? Don't want anything bad for you.”

“Can't sleep. It's like my mind is running all the time.” He mumbled. “Been having bad dreams.”

“You've been having more nightmares?” Sirius nodded. “poor baby.” Remus whispered, kissing his head. “When was the last time you ate?” Remus asked, dreading the answer, as usually, it wasn't anything good.

“Today.”

“Properly, Sirius.”

“I don't know. A few days ago?” He said slowly, and quietly. “Just don't feel well. I feel sick.”

“You feel sick 'cause you haven't eaten.” Remus said, waiting for Sirius' reaction before continuing. But it didn't come, he stayed quiet, starting to draw shapes on Remus' side with his finger. “And if you don't eat, you'll start feeling even more sick. I know it's hard, I know love, but you need to eat.”

Sirius shook his head. “c'mon, look at me.” He whispered softly, and Sirius nodded slightly, shifting, so he could look at Remus, his chin resting on Remus' chest. “Tell me what you're thinking about?”

“I don't know, Remus.” He said. “It just feels so- wrong. It's stupid.”

“It's not.” Remus said, brushing a loose curl behind Sirius' ear. “You said you are today, what did you have?”

“Some vegetables and a small piece of chicken.” He admitted quietly. “Dora brought some tea.”

“Did you drink it?” Sirius shook his head, hiding his face into Remus' chest. “That's alright. Don't worry. Let's get up.”

“No.” He protested, not wanting Remus to drag him downstairs and eat something, like he knew Remus would do. He always did. He appreciated it, yes, and knew it was for the better, but still, he still didn't want it. “Remus, please no.”

“Sirius?” He whispered, and Sirius looked back at him. “I know you don't want to, but you look like you're going to pass out any minute. And I'd rather not have that. Let's get up.”

Sirius nodded slowly, moving to let Remus up from underneath him. Then he slowly sat up and inched closer to the edge of the bed, the ever-growing dizziness was even worse now than it had been when tonks came. He was usually very used to the constant nausea and dizziness, but sometimes it just tipped on the side of too much.

He looked up at Remus, who smiled slightly, offering his hand to Sirius. He let Remus pull him up from bed by his hand, the sudden upright position made his head spin, and he closed his eyes. He did notice the hands holding on to his shoulders, it did help to steady himself on his feet.

“Ready to go?” He asked after a moment, and Sirius nodded slightly, looking up at Remus, he looked really worried now, and it made Sirius feel bad. Remus took his hand, slowly leading him out of the room and down the stairs.

When they got down to the kitchen, he sat down on the chair, tucking his knees up to his chest as he watched Remus look through the cupboards.

Then there were two slices of toast and a glass of water set in front of him, and Remus sat across from him with a tea cup. “You don't have to eat all of it, and I can find something else for you if you'd like, but just something, please?”

Sirius nodded, staring at the two lightly buttered slices, taking a few deep breaths, but eventually, he just hit his forehead on his knees, not wanting to look at it anymore.

It broke Remus' heart to watch Sirius struggle so much, it broke it even more that there was nothing he could do or say to make it better. The only thing he could do was to be there with him, trying to support him the best he could and offer comfort when he needed it. Even though he didn't exactly understand why Sirius did this or why it happened, he didn't know the reason behind it, but he'd still be there, the reason didn't really matter.

He reached across the table, placing his hand over Sirius' shaking one that was resting on his knees. He gave it a reassuring squeeze, before intertwining their fingers together.

It took some time until Sirius finally looked up, he first glanced at Remus, then at the plate that was still in front of him. His eyes looked wet, like he was on the verge of crying and like he had been holding the tears for a while. “Talk to me.” He whispered softly, rubbing small circles into Sirius' wrist with his thumb.

“I feel really sick.” Sirius whispered. “I can't Rem. I just- I don't want to. I can't.”

“Yeah you can, I know you can.” Remus said, looking Sirius in the eyes, he was looking back at him, but not really, there was just something off, but Remus could quite tell what it was. “But I also know it's scary and difficult, and there's nothing wrong with feeling like this, absolutely nothing.”

Sirius nodded slowly, looking down at the plate, biting his lip. “I know you're feeling awful and sick right now. But you're going to feel worse if you continue this.” Remus tried to reason, but at the same time he tried not to be too harsh because that wasn't good either. “Just have a small bit? And let's see how you feel after?”

Sirius nodded after a minute, glancing at Remus, before letting go of his hand, he grabbed one of the slices, taking a small bite after a few deep breaths. He closed his as he slowly chewed on the piece, it soon turned into tasteless mush that felt impossible to swallow down, but eventually, he managed.

He wasn't sure if it made the nausea or the spinning in his head worse or if it did nothing, so he took another small bite. It didn't feel good, but it didn't exactly feel bad either. He wasn't sure what the feeling was, so he let it be, taking a few more bites of the toast, though still chewing for way too long.

Sirius could feel Remus' worried gaze on him the whole time, but he didn't mind. He knew Remus was worried and that he couldn't help it, he had always done it, ever since they were young. It was fine. It wasn't the judgmental type of staring that he didn't like, and was used to, it wasn't that, so it was okay.

It took a long until Sirius was done with the first slice, but time didn't matter, it was just important that he ate. “Feel like you can eat the other one?” Remus asked, and Sirius shook his head, glancing at him as if to check it was okay. He nodded, getting up from the chair, grabbing his tea cup and Sirius' plate, quickly cleaning them.

When he was done, he walked back over to Sirius, who set down the now empty glass of water. Sirius looked up at him, his eyes still looked shiny and he just looked so sad. Remus reached his hand to cup his cheek, gently running his thumb over the sharp cheekbone.

He leaned down to kiss Sirius' forehead, who closed his eyes, focusing on it. When Remus leaned back, he offered his hand to Sirius, pulling him up and into a hug when he took it.

Sirius hid his face into Remus' neck, holding on tightly, as if Remus would just slip away. The slow gentle hand going up and down his spine, soft whispers into his hair, and the steady breathing made him feel calm and gave something to focus on.

“Let's go to bed, love.” Remus whispered after a while, and Sirius nodded slightly, taking a few more moments before pulling away from the warm embrace, letting Remus take his hand again and lead up to their bedroom.

A/N:

Hello, hope you enjoyed this one :) and could follow it just fine.

I like the idea of Sirius and Tonks having some kind of a relationship, that they care for each other because they're cousins so I thought I'd add that into this, hope you liked it too

This one is a little different than what I usually write, it has very little dialogue, because most of my works are more dialogue than describing things, if you know what I mean. It was fun to write though. It also has significantly less pet names than what I usually use, but I thought it wouldn't have fit as well in this

Anyway, take care, see you

(please tell me if there's something else I should tag)

<3

[virtuosapickle]

LocoMotive - My dream video game

Hello! I suppose I should explain this here, I'm working on a 2D Platformer video game called LocoMotive! I've been mentally developing it and making music and some concept art for about a year now, and things are slow but smooth! The story is just about done and all major plot points are mapped out!

LocoMotive is a game about a girl named Elise who runs away from home to become her own person. Her city is home to an urban legend, that of a train that comes through the old abandoned station in the dead part of the city in the dead of night, only once a year. She boards that train, texting her best friend Cammy along the way, when it suddenly takes off, and she's transported to a strange, usually inaccessible place on Earth, The Oasis Isles. There, she meets a strange old train conductor named Riel, and- oops, maybe I've said too much? Hopefully that's enough to get you hooked! It currently spans about 9 levels, has tons of funky music, many silly characters, and some story that might be a bit sad...

Estimated release? Literally no idea lmao I'm 17 and growing up, there's a lot going on right now, but sometime in the future! It will release!

I might make a blog for the game at some point in the future for updates and sneak peeks, but until then... Keep moving on!

[rederiswrites]

Hi, I've only recently started following you so apologies if you've talked about this before or I'm misinterpreting, but did you say in your recent health post that you have me/cfs and have actually improved past being bedbound? I ask because my partner has had me/cfs for over a decade and despite having very good doctor luck and trying out all sorts of community tips, the best we can seem to hope for is stabilization through extreme rest/inactivity; improvement sounds fairly extraordinary. If you have even a direction to point us to for options that'd be awesome, thank you!

Wow, okay. This feels like a big responsibility, in a way! But I really want to help any way I can.

First, my official diagnosis is fibromyalgia, but in a way, this is because that's the diagnosis I asked my doctor about, and nothing more scientific than that! I do also fit all the diagnostics for Chronic Fatigue, as do many with fibromyalgia. Increasingly, people are beginning to suspect that these and other syndromes are related, if not quite the same thing. In all cases, it's sort of a diagnosis of exclusion--that is, they can't find anything wrong with you mechanically. There's very little a doctor can "fix". My hip doesn't hurt right now because of injury. It's not injured.

Yes, I've had weeks and months when I could only be out of bed/recliner for a few minutes at a time, when standing up made me dizzy or created heart arrhythmias that were hugely uncomfortable and made me have coughing spells, tingling and numbness, etc. I had massive muscle weakness, crippling fatigue, constant headaches, constant pain that moved between "continuous physical and mental drain" and "totally debilitating; can't even think". This fluctuated for me, so for example my health is almost always terrible for some portion of the winter months of January, February, and March, and then eases up a bit for late spring.

Gonna create a break because there is no way to talk about this in quick soundbites without distorting things horribly.

I've done a lot of things over the years that would help a lot at first and then only a little over the longer span--removing gluten from my diet was the first big "breakthrough", and after my diagnosis I tried a couple of drugs. Duloxetene was miraculous in its effect, but I barely slept a couple of hours a night and finally had to give up when I started being just completely unhinged from fatigue. Gabapentin was great for the first few weeks, and now helps...some. It's hard to say exactly how much, because the only times I've gone off it have been because of gaps in medication coverage, which never lasted past the "wow going cold turkey is fucking terrible" period.

This past February, my best friend, who had been urging me to try the keto diet, bought me a (rather expensive!) bottle of BHB powder, which is a synthetic form of one of the ketone bodies your body produces for energy when you starve it of glucose (this is what ketosis is. You starve your body of glucose until it starts breaking down fat for energy creation). So I said, fine, I'll try keto for a month. I can do most anything for a month! I removed all carbs from my diet and started taking the BHB powder once or twice a day.

The results were huge and instant. Keto was a huge pain in the ass, because while there are still a lot of great things you can eat--nuts, eggs, meat, berries, pretty much any veggie that isn't a root crop--most of the things most of us eat daily rely partly or entirely on starch and grain. But I kept it up because I suddenly had far, far more energy and my pain and inflammation went way down.

I don't think keto is THE solution, though. I do think that trying it for a month is something a lot of people might benefit from, but I hate is as a lifelong diet. I am currently eating low carb, but considerably more fruit and root veggies than you can eat and still be in ketosis. But I was keto for eight months. What I think happened was that the keto diet lowered my inflammation levels a ton, which was why I tried it--the research that suggested it had this effect. Combine that with the BHB, which gave my body an energy source that bypassed whatever was wrong with my glucose metabolism processes, and I got a big leg up.

As with the other things I'd tried, the huge gains eventually leveled out. But they gave me two things--breathing room, and hope. You know, I think, how hard it is to have hope. You get so you're not sure you should even try! You think, maybe hope is causing me more pain. Maybe I should be focused on grieving and acceptance. But these moments in time, however brief, when my body functioned as it should and things were OK really drove home to me that somewhere in me, there was a body that was actually perfectly capable of normal function! If I can take a stupid little pill and suddenly be fine, even for a little bit, then there's a way!!

So I used that breathing room to dig deeper into the research. And eventually I encountered people who said that had recovered from these conditions. That they'd gotten better, and now functioned as normal, healthy people--even athletes. And of course I resisted that information, for reasons I probably don't have to explain to you. The doctors all say there's no cure. Hoping for a cure is exhausting. And if there's a cure--well, that comes loaded with a lot of anger! All this time wasted, all these doctors who couldn't do shit, all the suffering...what if it was avoidable?! It's a lot to work through.

But there were a lot of these stories, once I started finding them. Raelan Agle on Youtube is a pretty good place to start, and once you're there, you'll start seeing other people in the sidebar. And these people all used different paths to wellness, many of which sound absolutely ridiculous and woo woo at first! And yet here were a lot of people from all over, many of whom weren't selling anything, saying they got better.

But there were threads that were common to many of them. Diet was common, although which specific diet didn't seem to matter so much as cutting out junk and eating nutrient rich food. Exercise mattered but was rarely the first step. Medicines and supplements were almost never big players, even though everyone tries them. But mental changes were a huge thing for many if not most people. How they conceptualize and describe these changes varies a lot, but the themes of calming our sympathetic nervous system, addressing our fears, visualizing a life for ourselves where we're healthy, and most importantly believing that we can be that person, came up a lot.

I don't know what will work for other people. For me, diet was an early key, but I think learning to relax, convincing my nervous system that I'm really okay, and doing work on that has been the most lasting gain. And once I believed I could be better, it was easier to make a lot of the structural changes that we're already told will help--get a little movement in each day. Get some sunlight. Try to have a regular sleep schedule. Eat well. Stay hydrated. Once I knew that all these things might lead not just to "slightly less awful" but maybe something actually good, I was vastly more motivated to work on them.

I don't know if your partner can recover. But I know that people do. So as much as hope is painful, I suggest you keep looking, and I hope for the very best for you.

[the-badger-mole]

What are your thoughts on Azula redemption. Like if it was done properly and she got all the help she needed. Because honestly it's hard to find good Azula redemption takes without them being stans or something

I've talked about this before (here for instance), but I don't really think Azula needs the kind of redemption people seem to want for her. I think a transformative arc would fit her better. Like, yeah, she changes, but she's not necessarily redeemed through it. First of all, I don't think she'd ever be completely sorry about what she did, and I think that's a baseline requirement for a redemption arc.

Second, in my opinion, too many of these "redemption" arcs for Azula focus on her reconciling with everyone, and I just don't think that's realistic. I see her reconciling with Zuko and maybe Iroh, but beyond that, I don't see Ty Lee coming back (I actually like to think that she found her happiness far, far away from Caldera and the messiness of court). I could see Azula not wanting Mai back. Zuko's friends don't owe Azula anything either, so it bothers me a bit when I see stories that start with Azula being best friends with everyone with no explanation or acknowledgement of how odd it is. Especially when the stories are within a year or two after the war ends. The problem here is focusing so much on the trauma Azula went through, there's no focus on the trauma she caused. And she caused a lot.

Like, A LOT.

She contributed to Zuko's years long abuse, she controls Ty Lee through intimidation and forces her into service, she pimps Mai out to get Zuko in line (although, it seemed like Mai was into it, so this might be iffy?). Then there's everything she did to the Gaang. All of this before you dig into what she was like before she joined the hunt for Aang. This is my own personal theory, and not one I necessarily expect to see in fics, but I'm 100% sure Azula did a lot of damage even before she left the Fire Nation. Intentionally or not (and tbh, it probably wasn't intentional), it's pretty heavily implied in the show that Azula has a body count off screen, and those bodies were friendly fire (i.e. Azula has killed and injured people from the Fire Nation). Beyond that, Azula seemed to enjoy what she did. I know she was victim of abuse, but she was also an abuser. Just like a bully being abused at home doesn't automatically absolve them of being a bully, Azula has a lot to answer for. None of the people she harmed are required to welcome her in with open arms.

How I would approach a transformative arc for Azula would be to tell the story over a span of years- well into her adulthood, and probably into middle age. The only one from the original show she would have a firm relationship with is Zuko, and mostly because he insists on seeing her every so often. Katara, who is obviously married to him, would tolerate Azula for Zuko's sake, but things would be cold between them, and Katara would understandably want to keep her children at a distance. Iroh would forgive her, but wouldn't be super inclined to force a connection between him and his niece. He would support Zuko's efforts, though. Azula wouldn't live in Caldera. If she doesn't end up imprisoned after the war, I think she would end up semi-exiled to one of the outer islands of the Fire Nation. There she would build a new life for herself, and rediscover her humanity. She might come to regret more of her actions, but I think ultimately she'd end up absolving herself and not really care about making amends to anyone outside of Zuko (and maybe Iroh. Maybe).

Personally, I'm not super interested in punishing Azula, but I want there to be heavy consequences for her actions. I want the validity of people not wanting her in their lives to be acknowledged. I want to see how she navigates her life post war after losing everyone and everything. I want to see her carving out a place for herself that doesn't have much, if anything, to do with her life in Caldera. If she can make amends to one or two people from her past, that's fine, but it needs to take into consideration that she hurt them, and not just be them accepting her back because she "wasn't herself", because she was herself when she hurt them. I want Azula's redemption arc to be messy and imperfect and incomplete.

Well, either that, or I want to see her go full power trip and try to take power from her brother in an epic and tragic final battle between the siblings, because who doesn't like Shakespearean drama with elemental magic, amirite?

[keystone8379]

keystone you should talk about something in regards to kirby fighters 2 community edition

Oh you're right I haven't done that yet! Regarding Kirby Fighters 2: Community Edition, there is a metric TON of stuff to talk about here. The dev team is some of the closest friends I've ever had. Smash Tactics is a thing because I was able to test the game over and over again with the members of the dev team. We've spent many hours sharing progressively crazier character ideas. We have created some warcrime moves. (or, well, more warcrime moves. KF2 already has plenty of those) I think, however, the best place to start for CE on the KF2 lore account is probably just a development history.

So it's late September, the year is 2020. Kirby Fighters 2 was leaked, got a trailer, and released all within the span of 24 hours. Soon after that, firubii (you might have seen her before) shows her findings from a Twitter datamine, that being evidence of a 3D Kirby game. "Wow! Awesome! I sure hope it's nothing like Battle Royale!" I say at the time. But I digress.

A few months pass and eventually fish gets in touch with Firubii for I believe checking hitboxes and frame data? We get a few things for some of the weirder moves from characters like Ninja, but the fact that a modder was among us got people excited. The prospect of a balance patch mod was an undeniably appealing one and could breathe new life (and a time) into the game. And one that Firubii was interested in.

March 16th, 2021 rolls around and Fish pings everyone saying that they had set up a poll for balance suggested for Firubii to implement. They also got an all star cast of top players and fighting game expects and colgate and me. because I "have lots of opinions." We're all put into a dev chat and poll responses start flowing in.

This poll was crazy. You had Ninja downplaying Mag like crazy. You had Celica Trying His Best. You had nonsense adjustment suggestions like "Not really that effective." But my favourite would have to be probably Qwertz saying to EVERY balance suggestion box "The game needs no balance changes, only quality of life changes."

So we all in the chat start throwing around ideas while not really getting anything done. This will be a running theme. About a month later I was like enough is enough and starting pinging people for proper balance discussions and locking in changes. There's a few notable things we did for v0.1, including making Sword a LOT faster, giving Hammer Palutena's Lightweight, (the s4 custom move) making Bandana Dee's spears stick into the ground for a few seconds, and making Cutter's boomerangs bounce off walls. That last one was our first real criminal change, as Cutter could effortlessly lock down the entire screen. I spent hours labbing counterplay only to find none and grew to despise the character and suggested massive overcorrections for v0.2. Oops.

Overall v0.1 was pretty good! It had some iffy stuff and launched with a Whip desync in game but other than that it was a success I think. It came out during July of 2021, a little under 4 months from the initial announcement. There's a few public tourneys with good turnouts but run via Parsec and Parsec makes me want to commit violent crimes. Progress on 0.2 also goes fairly well. There's some bad ideas in there like making MK not very fun but overall it's not so bad.

Until development just HALTS. To my understanding, I believe it was something personal Firubii was going through but I don't have all the info. Then again, I didn't ask. Like sure, I'd like to have the new CE versions as soon as possible, but ultimately the well being of the people actually making the mod is the top priority, it's why it's so irritating when people are jerks about CE's slow development. Obviously I want the new versions out. But we all have lives outside of this and sometimes other things need doing.

Eventually 0.2 gets out, at the start of Febuary 2022. It's solid but still has some things that irk me. After a few months, we ask for player feedback on overall balance and specific changes and get not many results. Granted, CE doesn't have much players so balance discussion is somewhat meaningless for a game this unexplored. I think 1.0 fixes all of the glaring flaws though.

At some point, once again, development freezes, and this one was rough. No communication from Firubii led to a lot of dooming, especially with how close we got to actually launching 1.0. We DO actually know why she vanished for so long this time, it's because her house caught fire. It didn't burn down don't worry! But this still caught us all SUPER off guard.

Anyway, CE resumed development and went for a little while, but hit a brick wall when trying to add training mode. I'm not an expert on the inner workings of KF2 but I know Firubii talked to Ryn (yes, the goku in strive Ryn) about it a little bit. I actually posted about this to my Threads account but who gives a shit about threads. That's more or less where we are now. It's been a while since the last tester build but what can you do.

There's also a few other things but there wasn't really a good place for them. Colgate thought it was a good idea to make a tierlist video for a game no one could play. It wasn't. I had to spend the days after that video doing damage control. There was a playlist where people could suggest songs to add to CE, but tbh it was more just an excuse to listen to music in VC while we could still do that. We were gonna move off Gamebanana because the site is run by N*zis but this was during the fire arc so didn't happen. AV also thought it'd be a good idea to shittalk CE and ask to join the dev team in the same day. There was also the time we had to rush out a trailer for Savi's Dream Display but I have a few criticisms about that which I'll share with him one day.

I think that's it? If you wanna download the mod I'll link it right here: https://gamebanana.com/mods/303920

[thimbledoll]

The Ken Doll

Warning: Shitpost

Years of training. Weeks of tracking. Days of preparation. Everything has brought the huntress here, to this moment. Her first target lay before her eyes, accompanied by a doll clearly made more for eye candy than self-defense.

Tall, suave, and sporting an impeccably white smile, the plastic resin doll was quite pleasant to look on. He reminded the huntress of something from ages past, but she brushed the memory aside. He would clearly be no threat to her, the huntress assessed.

The witch was a more curious being, eschewing the traditionalist revival popular among heretics for a more modern look of Converse, striped socks, and a graphic T with a cartoon character and runes she couldn't read. They were young, probably just coming into their powers.

They walked together down the city street, completely unaware of the danger that observed them from the rooftops above. The Academy had taught the huntress to never underestimate her target, but she could recognize that this was going to be all too easy.

Leaping from her position on the high ground, the huntress landed in front of the little witch and their resin doll. She paused there a moment, eyes turned to the floor, before slowly raising her head with a grin full of malice and delight.

She wanted to savor this, let the moment of the heretic's doom hang in the air, all the more to draw out the tension. The fear in her target's eyes would be all the sweeter prepared slowly than if she just got things over with.

"Rejoice, young one," she said while drawing her long, jagged blade from its sheath. "We could not have met on a more auspicious night. Your blood will be the first my blade drinks. When I've killed you, you will not be forgotten by this world; you'll be remembered as my first."

Finally meeting their eyes, the huntress found… boredom…? They were yawning, leaning back against the chest of their doll, like one might a locker. "I'm sorry, are you done yet?" they asked, tapping away at their phone.

Anger flashed across the huntress's face. "It's bad enough you're such a miserable excuse for a heretic in that getup, take this seriously!" she shouted. "And what is with that doll of yours?! What kind of doll is he supposed to be? A boytoy? You'll regret making him your first."

"Oh, him? He's a ken doll," they replied.

"You made… your first doll… a Barbie doll?! Killing you will be doing you a favor," she cried out in disbelief, rushing toward the witch with blade in hand. It dragged across the concrete, lighting the night with sparks.

Bloodlust filled the huntress as she raced forward. A single swipe and this heretic among heretics would be naught but blood on the pavement, she thought. If they couldn't provide her the fear and anguish she desired, then best to get it over with and move on to her next target.

Inches from the witch's face she swung her blade, eager for the sickening squelch of when flesh meets metal. Instead, it clattered with a ptang as her blade was stopped just before it could cut them down. The doll had ditched his arm, revealing the katana it sheathed beneath.

"It seems you've misunderstood. He's not a Ken doll. He's a 剣 doll," the witch exclaimed, their voice full of haughty superiority.

"Senpai, what would you have this one do with this… interloper?" the doll asked.

"Leave her. We're going to be late for the simulcast."

The doll pulled back as the huntress seethed in rage. Picking up his arm, the pair walked past the huntress to continue on their journey.

"You look this far down on me? You spit on my abilities?! You think yourself merciful? You turn your BACK ON ME?!" the huntress cried out

She wouldn't let them get away with this. She wouldn't let them embarrass her like this. She wouldn't let them take pity on her like this. The huntress span in an arc, looking to catch them before they walked too far away, but by the time she had turned, the doll had disappeared.

From behind, she heard the doll's voice once more. "Nothing personal, kid," he said, before the pavement was dyed that crimson red she'd so yearned to see.

(Old story reposted from Twitter)

[invisibleicewands]

David Tennant, Michael Sheen had a hell of a good time making Good Omens season 2

n Good Omens season 1, Aziraphale and Crowley saved the world. Now, they might just have to save each other.

David Tennant and Michael Sheen return for a second season of the hit comedy, premiering July 28 on Prime Video. Originally, the show was only intended as a six-episode miniseries, adapted from Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman's beloved 1990 novel. But before Pratchett's death in 2015, the two authors had brainstormed ideas for a potential follow-up — ideas that Gaiman later adapted into Good Omens season 2.  

Speaking to EW before the start of the SAG-AFTRA strike, Tennant and Sheen opened up about reprising their roles as everyone's favorite grumpy demon and fussy angel. Originally, both actors assumed the series would be one and done. But they became fast friends on set, and in between shots, they would chat with Gaiman about ideas for a potential season 2. Little by little, Tennant says, the second season "crept into existence."

"Neil would often tell stories of how him and Terry had dreamed of a sequel, and there were some ideas they kicked around that they never got to explore," Tennant, 52, tells EW. "But there was no sense initially that would actually bear fruit."

"They even had a name for the sequel that never got written," Sheen, 54, adds. "It always used to make me laugh so much because the name they had come up with was 668: The Neighbor of the Beast."

Now, that second season is becoming a reality, once again centering on Aziraphale (Sheen) and Crowley (Tennant) as they find themselves in the middle of a celestial crisis. (Last time, they teamed up to help prevent the apocalypse. This time, they find themselves in the middle of an angelic mystery.) Season 1 took a deep dive into the pair's unlikely, millennia-spanning relationship, stretching from the Garden of Eden to Shakespearean England. Tennant and Sheen say that season 2 will go even deeper.

"That was one of the most exciting things, being able to explore that relationship," Sheen says. "It's the most simple relationship — and also the most complicated. On the simple side, they're two beings who love each other. On the complicated side, they're about as opposite as possible. So, there are all these obstacles to their relationship, both without and within."

Season 2 also sees the return of Jon Hamm's glowering archangel Gabriel — who appears suddenly at Aziraphale's bookshop, having entirely lost his memory. The Mad Men star gets to show off his comedic chops as the amnesiac Gabriel, puttering around the bookshop and smiling blankly. "He sort of became famous as this matinee idol, but I always think that Jon is naturally a clown," Tennant says of his costar. "He's a very funny, witty man, and he's got that comic sensibility."

"He's such an aficionado of not just American comedy, but British comedy as well," Sheen adds. "He knows the most obscure British comedy things. It's always ironic that the character that he became best known for and that brought him into the public eye was this very serious character, when everyone who knows him knows how funny he is."

Tennant and Sheen say perhaps the biggest surprise has been how fans have embraced their versions of Crowley and Aziraphale. Tennant notes that Pratchett and Gaiman's book has been "beloved for decades," and while filming the first season, he felt "terror that we would break it." But about six months after the show premiered, he attended a fan convention, where he started to notice a heavenly trend.

"I've been to Comic-Cons over the years, and I often meet people dressed up as a character I played on the BBC — and I still do," Tennant explains. "But increasingly, I was meeting people dressed up as Crowley and Aziraphale. And one of the loveliest things is that you always meet pairs. You don't really meet someone dressed as an Aziraphale, or somebody dressed as a Crowley. You meet an Aziraphale and Crowley. They always seem to come in twos."

"You started to see people reacting to it online, and people starting to respond with their own artwork and their own fan fiction, and you saw it all starting to blossom and grow," Sheen marvels. "I'd never experienced anything like that before. David, of course, had gone through the whole Doctor Who experience, but it really blew me away."

Season 2 relocated filming to Bathgate, Scotland — about a mile from the hospital Tennant was born in, he notes with a laugh. The new cast includes Quelin Sepulveda as a newbie angel named Muriel, Maggie Service as a local record shop owner, and Nina Sosanya as the proprietor of a local coffee shop. But Aziraphale and Crowley are the season's emotional heart, and much of the series will focus on their friendship — or might it be something more?

Returning for a second season also meant that Tennant and Sheen had to slip back into their otherworldly guises. Sheen was thrilled to be back in Aziraphale's bookshop, but how did Tennant feel about donning Crowley's contact lenses and wigs again?

"It's rarely a wig!" Tennant says with mock indignancy. "I mean, that's my hair a lot of the time! Obviously when it gets a bit longer, there are bits added in. But there was a lot of bleaching and dyeing going on before we started shooting. That was probably when I knew there was no going back, when I got the flame-red hair put back on my skull."

[poindexters-labratory]

I'm going to scream into the void right now. I don't expect much response in return, I'm more or less using my blog as a medium to explain my emotions to myself. What I'm thinking and what I'm feeling after having a difficult past few days.

For context: My partner of four and half years and I have separated on good terms, fair terms, and I'm not really sure what to do. Toward the end of this relationship, I had found myself predicting every possible situation and where every outburst might potentially occur. They were an explosive person, but not in a malicious way, more so in a way that they didn't know how to control. We decided it would be best if they left to learn how to control it.

At the moment, we're taking a weeklong break of no contact, maybe longer, but that's what they've told me before we start conversating again and start on the road to becoming friends. I'm, again, putting this on the blog because I don't have any specific person I can confide in about how I'm thinking and feeling about this large change in my life. They were everything to me, legitimately the only person I had to go to for things like that.

When you know someone for that amount of time, when you're as young as I am, knowing someone for four and a half years takes up a lot of time in the mind. From the point right before I started my freshman year of high school, to eventually now, where I'm almost a year out of school. And when you talk to the same person pretty much every day, there's this thing that happens, especially to folks like me that have brains wired in strange ways, to where everything all the time at every point of everyday centers around them. A dependence. An addiction.

I was hurting, I am consciously aware of my situation and I am consciously happy to get out of what I know is a bad situation, but my soul aches for just one more conversation, one more word, one more stupid meme that will give me that hit of dopamine that reassures me, "There's someone who cares about you."

It's very strange to be so attached to a person, like you have no idea what to do when they're suddenly ripped from you. I'm depending on them to make me feel worthy of everything that I have ever done or have ever thought of doing. And now that security is gone, and now I have to be brave enough to confide in someone else, learning along the way that I cannot depend on a single outside piece of reassurance constantly.

Somehow, with a mind that has been constructed only to be able to love myself whenever outside sources tell me that I should because of the things that I can do. How talented I am, how smart I am, how wise and thoughtful I am. Somehow, that mind has to find that outside source from within and at the moment, that sounds downright near impossible.

My mind has also been made to solve problems. I'm not very book smart, but I figure myself to be emotionally intelligent enough to try to help and encourage other people, and more recently, that includes myself. I've been trying to keep up with taking care of myself physically and emotionally. But there are going to be moments where I fall and feel like in that moment, I can't get back up without help. And it's good to need people, but I need my circle to be more than just one dependent who does all the work.

Loneliness is difficult. I've faced loneliness for most of my life. People don't want to be your friend on the playground when you're odd and prefer your own company. Even in the company that I did find when I was young, they eventually went away. I've moved over nine times in the span of 18 years and it's not a fun experience having to uproot the life you made every couple of years to leave and start a new one. That means leaving people behind.

But recently with the power of technology, I had been able to keep up with my partner. I was fourteen when I got my first legitimate smart phone, and they were the only person I would talk to on it. Putting that small timeline of four years into perspective that we got together right after I received my first hand-me-down phone and now I'm on Tumblr posting Five Nights at Freddy's fanart and buying MatPat's last merch run is absolutely bonkers to think about.

That's only a small percentage of my life and I'm sitting here in agony and emotional belief this is the end of the world. Absolutely it isn't, but it's still pain that's here in the present and I have to acknowledge the present day and my emotions or else it means so much disrespect to my future and past. I didn't come this far into my life to essentially burn down all that progress, and I don't think my future is going to be so happy if I give up on it.

I have to remember, and I'll deliberately have it here to reread if I ever need it, that I'm capable. I'm capable of making change, of changing, of striving to be the best version of myself that I can comfortably be, of doing things on my own, and I'm capable of asking for help whenever I feel I need it. I need to listen to my body, my mind, and my soul so much more intently than I have before so that I don't end up in a pit of despair and disappointment. It's not good for me and it doesn't make me a pleasant person to be around.

I need to trust that the people that I love, love me. I need to remember that there are connections waiting to be explored, discovered, and cherished just as much as I cherished this person. I still do cherish and love them very deeply, I never won't. I believe people are capable of changing if they're willing to put in the work and effort, and they are a very hardworking person. But so am I.

I'm not afraid of the hurt or the aching. It's evidence of love with nowhere to go and I will cherish those feelings and I will be saving them, experiencing them. I'm more afraid of what I am going to do now. I guess the next step will be continuing to work on and toward what I'm passionate about.

I am not angry, I am not spiteful or vengeful. I simply will be forever grateful for the times and moments we shared, and the new moments we will have. Even if it is for short specks of time.

This has been a moment of peering into Poindexter's mind.

(pic of my cat for good vibes)

[starchaserdreams]

Erm, hello!

I am an aspiring writer. I have these stories in my head that I love and want to write about. But when I try, it's the absolute worst shit I've ever seen in my life.

Sorry, what I'm trying to ask is, any tips for younger writers who have no idea what they're doing...?

Hi! I have no idea what I'm doing ever, but I'll try to answer as best as I can. I'll start with generic advice, then say what works for me specifically. Sorry this got so long.

We're all kind of fumbling through life. The writing habits that I have have come from three sources:

a) hearing what other people do and building from them. I'm always in one writers group or another (currently I'm in a local writers group, and I'm regularly involved with two different NaNoWriMo groups in November, one locally and one virtually) and I've picked up a lot from them

b) a metric fuckton of trial and error. Because while part (a) is great some of the time, most of the things that work for other people don't work for me. I can't set a strict schedule at the same time everyday. I can't edit for a long time after I write.

c) NaNoWriMo (see link) helped me SO MUCH. I don't think everything can be written that way, but in terms of getting a handle on your own voice, preventing yourself from stopping to edit, and letting the story flow on its own, NaNo is amazing. It's a great starting point. Editing can come later, once the words are done on the page.

If you're unfamiliar, it's a (totally free) event that happens in November every year where everyone tries to write 50,000 words of a brand new novel in the span of one month. That's 1,667 words per day, so there isn't much time to stop and edit as you go. You just keep going. It's a competition against yourself rather than anyone else, to see if you can accomplish the task. It's also a community based event, so you can commiserate with other writers about the bad and celebrate with them about the good.

They have smaller events in April and July, but to really get the feel of it, November is when it's a party (or a rollercoaster, either way). I went to write-ins in cafes, bars, grocery stores, on the subway, etc. The event is a whole vibe, and now they have in person events again (they paused for covid). If you want to stay virtual, they have that too!

And as for what works for me:

1.

This most certainly wouldn't work for everyone, but it's my current strategy:

I think best when I'm in motion. By far. So most of my storyboarding I do while walking or driving, and I dictate into the notes app on my phone.

I do most of my dialogue this way too, because speaking it out loud makes it feel more like a conversation and more natural. I won't dictate the narration, but I'll include action tags. So it comes out like "Anthony: *flings door open, eyes wide* what in blazes are you doing??" (I add punctuation later)

Then when I get home, I often have several thousand words of notes to work from. My notes file for my last fic was 30k words, almost all of which had been dictated. It's a lot. It might sound daunting.

But it was done while out for a walk or drive, so it felt easy and effortless. And then when it came time to actually write, I got 48,000 words of a first draft done in 8 days (about 15k of which was just copy pasted from the outline. The whole time it felt like cheating and using guidelines to write the actual story, but it was all my original work, just done at different times.

2.

Keep writing as an exciting treat rather than a chore.

I've started to create little writers retreats for myself. My friends and I rented an AirBnB for two nights this winter, where the entire goal was reading and writing. Sure there was sitting around the fire talking and eating good food, but we built it up so that the writing was the exciting part. It worked SO WELL. We did writing activities together too, not just staring at a word doc. We did character studies and made little AUs to imagine our characters in.

A friend and I took a six hour road trip for another writers retreat too. We spent the 12 hours (RT) in the car talking about our stories and characters. We'd started with dozens of prompts so we'd have enough material, and we never ran out. Then we took rest stops at gas stations and restaurants and did little 15 minute writing sprints. It really got me fired up. I wrote 6,000 words over the two days of that retreat!

Keeping writing fun can be big things (my sister and I did a writers retreat like that in Hawaii) or little things (I always treat myself to a donut and a coffee on Sunday mornings and then have a leisurely morning in the cafe writing).

I can't say if any of this will work for you, because I can't even say whether it'll still work for *me* in a few years. But I hope it's food for thought!

Anyway this is like one million words long so sorry about that, hope it was interesting.

[spiraleyedlore]

I've technically been practicing hypnosis with my girlfriend for almost 2 years, since our anniversary is coming up next month and it was literally the first thing we explored together. something happened after I visited her house for a week almost a year ago now, where I didn't want to have to come home and went thru a major depressive episode when I did. I finally feel like I'm ready to do these things again, if not with her than with. gestures at the internet and all of its beautiful horny bloggers. but something about it still feels deeply embarrassing again like when I was a teenager. This is a special interest that spans all the way since I was little, and I don't understand why I'm getting so much performance anxiety doing things I know I've already done with amazing and hot and emotionally fulfilling results. I didn't mean for this to turn into such a parasocial vent, but just like. Do you get performance anxiety about this, and do you have any advice for helping get out of my own head about it? I love exploring her beautiful internal world with her, and getting to turn her into a silly dumb drone. both very good things, both suddenly very intimidating.

I’ve been there, I understand. Trance can be hard to get back into, and finding that flow can be really difficult. Best thing I’d recommend is start slow. Find someone you can trust, and do even basic hypnotic things when you feel in the mood. Each time you do it that anxiety and embarrassment will lessen, and while it might not completely go away you’ll be able to control it, and hypnotizing people will be a lot more enjoyable.

My other slightly sillier suggestion is just be performatively overconfident! You cant have anxiety if you convince yourself ur a goddess! (genuinely a role can help distance yourself from embarassment sometimes)