#teeny tiny vent

[poindexters-labratory]

I'm going to scream into the void right now. I don't expect much response in return, I'm more or less using my blog as a medium to explain my emotions to myself. What I'm thinking and what I'm feeling after having a difficult past few days.

For context: My partner of four and half years and I have separated on good terms, fair terms, and I'm not really sure what to do. Toward the end of this relationship, I had found myself predicting every possible situation and where every outburst might potentially occur. They were an explosive person, but not in a malicious way, more so in a way that they didn't know how to control. We decided it would be best if they left to learn how to control it.

At the moment, we're taking a weeklong break of no contact, maybe longer, but that's what they've told me before we start conversating again and start on the road to becoming friends. I'm, again, putting this on the blog because I don't have any specific person I can confide in about how I'm thinking and feeling about this large change in my life. They were everything to me, legitimately the only person I had to go to for things like that.

When you know someone for that amount of time, when you're as young as I am, knowing someone for four and a half years takes up a lot of time in the mind. From the point right before I started my freshman year of high school, to eventually now, where I'm almost a year out of school. And when you talk to the same person pretty much every day, there's this thing that happens, especially to folks like me that have brains wired in strange ways, to where everything all the time at every point of everyday centers around them. A dependence. An addiction.

I was hurting, I am consciously aware of my situation and I am consciously happy to get out of what I know is a bad situation, but my soul aches for just one more conversation, one more word, one more stupid meme that will give me that hit of dopamine that reassures me, "There's someone who cares about you."

It's very strange to be so attached to a person, like you have no idea what to do when they're suddenly ripped from you. I'm depending on them to make me feel worthy of everything that I have ever done or have ever thought of doing. And now that security is gone, and now I have to be brave enough to confide in someone else, learning along the way that I cannot depend on a single outside piece of reassurance constantly.

Somehow, with a mind that has been constructed only to be able to love myself whenever outside sources tell me that I should because of the things that I can do. How talented I am, how smart I am, how wise and thoughtful I am. Somehow, that mind has to find that outside source from within and at the moment, that sounds downright near impossible.

My mind has also been made to solve problems. I'm not very book smart, but I figure myself to be emotionally intelligent enough to try to help and encourage other people, and more recently, that includes myself. I've been trying to keep up with taking care of myself physically and emotionally. But there are going to be moments where I fall and feel like in that moment, I can't get back up without help. And it's good to need people, but I need my circle to be more than just one dependent who does all the work.

Loneliness is difficult. I've faced loneliness for most of my life. People don't want to be your friend on the playground when you're odd and prefer your own company. Even in the company that I did find when I was young, they eventually went away. I've moved over nine times in the span of 18 years and it's not a fun experience having to uproot the life you made every couple of years to leave and start a new one. That means leaving people behind.

But recently with the power of technology, I had been able to keep up with my partner. I was fourteen when I got my first legitimate smart phone, and they were the only person I would talk to on it. Putting that small timeline of four years into perspective that we got together right after I received my first hand-me-down phone and now I'm on Tumblr posting Five Nights at Freddy's fanart and buying MatPat's last merch run is absolutely bonkers to think about.

That's only a small percentage of my life and I'm sitting here in agony and emotional belief this is the end of the world. Absolutely it isn't, but it's still pain that's here in the present and I have to acknowledge the present day and my emotions or else it means so much disrespect to my future and past. I didn't come this far into my life to essentially burn down all that progress, and I don't think my future is going to be so happy if I give up on it.

I have to remember, and I'll deliberately have it here to reread if I ever need it, that I'm capable. I'm capable of making change, of changing, of striving to be the best version of myself that I can comfortably be, of doing things on my own, and I'm capable of asking for help whenever I feel I need it. I need to listen to my body, my mind, and my soul so much more intently than I have before so that I don't end up in a pit of despair and disappointment. It's not good for me and it doesn't make me a pleasant person to be around.

I need to trust that the people that I love, love me. I need to remember that there are connections waiting to be explored, discovered, and cherished just as much as I cherished this person. I still do cherish and love them very deeply, I never won't. I believe people are capable of changing if they're willing to put in the work and effort, and they are a very hardworking person. But so am I.

I'm not afraid of the hurt or the aching. It's evidence of love with nowhere to go and I will cherish those feelings and I will be saving them, experiencing them. I'm more afraid of what I am going to do now. I guess the next step will be continuing to work on and toward what I'm passionate about.

I am not angry, I am not spiteful or vengeful. I simply will be forever grateful for the times and moments we shared, and the new moments we will have. Even if it is for short specks of time.

This has been a moment of peering into Poindexter's mind.

(pic of my cat for good vibes)

[jesusbutbetterrr]

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I love when people decide that I'm the one they can make constant jokes about me being stupid and useless, really brightens my dad :/

[poindexters-labratory]

Siiiigh

Twenty-five (25) comic pages of my FNAF comic in, and it's 1/5 (one-fifth) of the 36-page script I wrote

Which is one issue/chapter

SIIIIIGHHHH

[pigeonstab]

Epic showed up to the kotatsu party this morning lol

Also!! How’s it going? I hope you’re having a nice day <3 also I was thinking about your second college au writing again, how did Cross know Epic? Was he also in need of fostering or was he a foster parent that had Cross for a bit? :o Will they ever get to meet again?

That's such a cute coincidence TwT.

I am doing... Alright. Well not very good admittedly lol. Been flip-flopping between wanting to quit college and not, and I spend basically all my time trying to distract myself so I don't start feeling things. Otherwise I'm all good. (That cross post yesterday might've been some or maybe a lot of projection lollll)

About the college AU! Epic was indeed an older kid also in fostering, he was older than Cross by quite a bit and had more experience, he was less 'problematic' than Cross for a lot of families, since he just basically knew to keep his mouth shut where Cross was all outrage and spitting in authority's face. I like to think if Cross hadn't been kicked out of that last house he might've been able to end up living with Epic as his guardian. Since Epic was basically almost old enough to get out of the system. Just another direction Cross's life could've gone in.

If they'll ever meet again I don't know. But I think yes, if only just because it would make me happy lol.

[peachyyjellie]

i feel sick

[rubiesintherough]

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[soverane]

how do i word this in a way that's respectful but still thoughtful and articulates my valid frustrations about being pansexual in online wlw spaces... idk how the power dynamics/measures of visibility and inclusivity work for non-lesbian sapphics in sapphic spaces generally, but it's definitely been on my mind for a long time. istg i never feel this kind of invisibility/invalidation in real life ever. my sexuality is usually met with respectful, genuine curiosity (bc people tend to be confused abt the nuances between being bi and being pan, which is fair; we're not as visible and it's a pretty nebulous thing to navigate up until now). i wonder what i need to unpack to figure out why it is something i experience only in online spaces, but i want to unpack this in a way that doesn't undermine or invalidate my lesbian friends either bc these wlw spaces are so precious and vulnerable especially for lesbians. i think this is why it's extra tricky for me bc i know how important it is to protect these spaces for them. I don't want my frustrations and my desire for my pansexuality to be acknowledged/respected to be felt as an intrusion or invasion of this space. i really don't want this to turn into a "but what about me/[insert non-lesbian but still wlw experience]" situation at the expense of pushing lesbians out of focus, as they have been treated so harshly by misogynistic and lesbophobic people countless times (and we still see it happening now). but at the same time there are moments when i see such aggressive biphobia/panphobia within the same spaces that i'm just like, oh wow... oh ok..... :'0

it's so tricky bc of the overlaps. it's tricky bc people like me cannot be fit into a single box labeled "lesbian" "gay" "straight." it is not as rigid as this. i wonder if other polysexual people feel the same. :0

[jaymilepland]

Bruh, worst feeling ever was knowing that I was the rebound friend, like, the one people talked to if none of your other friends were around and was hardly involved in any other conversation, and if you were you were probably made fun of or completely ignored through most of it

[venacoeurva]

Good lord at this rate you're better off just buying a cheap phone to use as an mp3 player and just not activate it than even bother with a touch screen mp3 player unless you're ready to drop like $1000 because everything else is immensely questionable

[spec-squared]

adderall withdrawal my beloathed

[the-darkness-does-not-bargain]

Stuck in a constant battle between hating my tummy and waist because that's what I've been taught (as a woman) and believing that my extra mass will help me pass better as a man in the long run. With the bonus problem of simultaneously thinking that mass makes me less of a man.

Has anyone figured out a way to remove irrationality and contradiction from the human psyche yet?

[jesusbutbetterrr]

me in pain, walking with a very obvious limp, and making pained expressions cuz I'm in FUCKING PAIN

my mom: here's a list of 40 things I need you to do the requires an insane amount of walking back and forth throughout the entire house, and do it quickly because I will complain when I feel like you're taking too long

[byanyan]

anyway I'm still struggling, still mentally & emotionally exhausted, and still just haven't got the brainpower for writing 🙃

[lovelykhaleesiii]

idk why but I’m feeling down… If I’m being honest right now, I kind of feel isolated from the fandom idk how to explain it. who knows what I’m on about.

[angeltism]

nvm . nawt sleeping . crying nauseous and trying to resist the urge to say horrible shit on here bc that'll just make everything worse

[jaijaitbinks]

I wanna see Saitama get interviewed, cuz I wanna see how that would go

Would he filter himself in some way? Like, would he try to be respectful, even if being really professional just feels so uncomfortable? Especially after so long of not needing to be?

Would he just be himself? Down to the very casual, frankly unfashionable clothing? Just shows up in crocs, answering questions bluntly and directly?

Would he feel super awkward? Insecure? A little happy (that he was personally asked to attend an interview)? Indifferent?