#might be just what the doctor ordered-
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A little break with you. 🎶
(poses by @simmireen)
#simblr#the ward legacy#ts4 alpha#ts4#ts4 screenshots#the sims 4#the sims 4 screenshots#sims 4#sims4 screenshots#Hayden Ward#Yvreon Ward#everyone can use a little break sometimes#specially during the holidays#and some time off#might be just what the doctor ordered-
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When you’re a hot mean girl whose current partner can’t get over their ex and you come up with a batshit insane plan to manipulate everyone so you’ll finally get everything you want which definitely doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass at all:
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#i stand with my canceled wives#interview with the vampire#bridgerton#cressida cowper#armand#desperate characters using anything and everything to escape situations they’re forced into my beloveds#now you might argue that armand makes smarter moves than cressida does#and to that i say: armand literally left his husband alone with the *one* human who could get through to louis#and has good reason to loathe armand#and sure eloise and cressida were never TECHNICALLY together but like if eloise could’ve helped cressida if she’d been paying attention#or at least warn her off taking credit for lady whistledown#toxic yuri AND toxic yaoi?#just what the doctor ordered
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#doctor who#not in any particular order just episodes i enjoy a lot and missing SOME of my favourites cause there are so many episodes#so if a particular episode isnt on there it might be that i didnt vibe as much but it's still on my faves list or i might just dislike it#(heaven sent. i fucking hate that episode it's so pretentious. AND i know one of the guys in it lmao)#dw#im predicting what might be the lowest ones on this (13th..lmao) im just sad i couldn't fit spyfall on this list lmao#i also only have a couple rose episode on here but i love so many rose episodes.... school reunion and tooth and claw always in my heart
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i won't be able to watch the heart killers until later tonight but if the flurry of filtered posts on my dash is any indication of what i should expect i'm in for one hell of a first episode and i can't wait
#i've been in need of a lil pick-me-up#and thk just might be what the doctor ordered#rae speaks#the heart killers#text
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Gotta be up in 3 and a half hours for a flight and I haven't had a lick of sleep, someone come chuck a brick at my head 😭
#Rare Vent bc i might McLose It friends 😭#i have to be up by that time#but then the flight isnt for another 3 hours after that#6-7 hours until i can maybe catch some plane zzz's#so in the meantime i think a brick to the cranium is just what the doctor ordered 😌#( o o c . )#( m o b i l e . )#vent tw#tbd
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Me: *Trying to go about my day like a normal person *
My brain: “What if we made a TADC OC that’s basically a slime monster girl, but she’s based on the kind of toy slime that has a bunch of cutesy objects in it?? And when she was a human she was a highly skilled and respected Intensivist working at an ICU?? And as a doctor, she was known for being gentle and compassionate to all her patients, and she treasured the staff members working under he?? And she saw all her staff as members of her family, and was fiercely protective of them?? But also while she always appeared extremely confident and well put together, deep inside she struggled daily with a massive inferiority complex and imposter syndrome?? Because she never believed she deserved any of the praise she received despite her work, and constantly felt the need to prove herself by going above and beyond in her work?? And all the plays into why she’s a slime girl now, because even though she always appeared as strong and confident in the surface, inside she’s soft and anxious??
And while she doesn’t remember her life prior to entering the Digital World, during times of crisis or when someone’s injured or at high risk of abstracting, suddenly doctor mode activates?? She quite literally pulls herself together and becomes completely solid like plastic, and gives off a strong aura of confidence and authority?? Thoughts, terminology, and emotions that are foreign yet seem SO familiar surge through her, and without really thinking about it she talking and acting just like she did as an ICU doctor; leading her to quickly take control of the situation with firm confidence before gently tending to the injured/abstracting individual. She doesn’t understand how she knows any of what she’s saying as she gently tends to, and or talks the individual back down from the edge, but it feels so natural to her! It’s like she was MADE to do this, and had actually done it many times before despite having no recollection of doing anything like this previously?? And as she slowly helps the individual ground themselves in reality once more, she’s still maintaining a perfect composure during the whole ordeal, not once showing just how afraid she really was and instead just remaining laser focused on helping the “patient” in front of her??
And it’s only when her “patient” has finally stabilized somewhat that she finally notices everyone staring at her in awe, and then she starts barking orders to everyone to get the “patient” back to their room so they can be admitted into the hospital for surveillance, and that she wants a full blood panel and PHQ-9 assessment completed while she fills out an incident report for the hospital’s records. And everyone is so taken aback/still in shock that they just kinda go along with it because she sounds so sure of herself no one knows how to argue otherwise.
It’s only when someone breaks out of their stupor enough to ask her how she did all that/what the heck happened that she snaps out of it, and she softens into her goopy self again as she tries to clumsily explain she has no clue what happened but was just overwhelmed by these sudden thoughts and emotions, and despite not knowing where any of it was coming from it felt like she just instinctively knew what to do and how to do it.
Someone points out to her that she looked and sounded just like a doctor back there, and that maybe that’s who she was prior to entering the Digital Circus. She doesn’t believe it, insisting that there’s no way someone like her could be a doctor, but everyone insists that she absolutely could be and that what she did was incredible?? And now she’s kinda the unofficial doctor of the circus despite still not believing she was, or could ever be, a doctor??”
Me: *Sitting on the couch letting my brain hyperfixate* 👁️👄👁️
#this…this ended up being WAY longer than i intended#but my brain has literally been CONSUMED by this idea#that trope of ‘amnesiac somehow instinctively knows how to do the the thing because they did it previously’ is a fav of mine#she might not remember her old life but the caregiver instincts and knowledge is still very much ingrained into her#and it comes out full force when someone is in need of medical attention#she orders caine to go prepare a hospital bed and he’s like ‘yes ma’am!’ before taking off to do that#he makes it 2/3s down the hall before realizing what just happened and poofing back#in his defense she was so confident and authoritative his coding went ‘ah a doctor. you should always listen to medical professional.’#shitpost#tadc#long post#the amazing digital circus#tadc oc#haven’t quite figured out a name for her yet#but i’m tryna name her in a way that would allow the nickname ‘squish’ to be acceptable#because squish as a nickname for a slime lady makes me laugh
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In the Enchanted Forest, Belle kisses Rumple every time he is angry, frustrated, petty, upset, tired or tries to convince her he's a monster.
I'm not saying about kisses on the lips (that's another topic entirely).
I'm saying about fond, domestic kisses on the nose, on the cheek, on the forehead... Kisses that just about might make Rumplestiltskin.exe stop working because of how easy and casual and loving they are but hopefully can bring him out of whatever "mood" he's in.
...
...
...
Bonus: Belle easily slips back into this habit / method in Storybrooke.
#📚 wishlist 📚#Idk#Imp!Rumple can be so dramatic and tense and tired at times#I feel like adoring little kisses from his caretaker might be just what the doctor ordered)#📚 headcanon 📚
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funniest (/s) irony about my pains is that the only painkiller that actually helps (mostly, not entirely) likely also makes them worse in the long run. i just love having a body and being alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i don't know what to do 😭😭😭😭😭 i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow ig I'll ask him#since i don't have an actual diagnosis yet idk if it's actually a big no-no like it is for ppl with the disease i MIGHT have#but given my symptoms match up and keep coming back despite me supposedly taking medicine to help#i think it's safe to assume i should at least treat my body as if it has it#(also when i say symptoms i mean more than pains like. i mean actual internal inflammation n shit like that)#god. god I'm so tired. i have to take a painkiller every day bc it's just so unbearable#but ik taking them this often isn't a good idea. and i can't mix them up with others bc like i said it's the only one that helps#I'm so so tired of being in pain. and being scared to do basic things my body needs in order to function bc they make the pain worse#fucking drinking water makes the pains worse sometimes 😭😭😭😭 but it's not like i can avoid that#and every source i read said an unstable mental state makes it worse so that's just great.#bro the pains make my mental state worse!!!! this is a neverending cycle!!!!!! i want to fucking dieeeeeee#vent#medical //#ask to tag
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+1 personality disorder diagnosis ✅
#ANOTHER ????#'condition not responding well to treatment. expected to continue for months or years' bruh#pegasus speaks#well i am just going to ignore all of that and take a bath when i get home tonight#and order takeout because i have no wallet or house keys and i can't buy groceries#actually i can't even get home lol i might have to walk an hour#anyways. what do doctors know. (plenty but not everything)
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FOR THE TIRED PEOPLE: Some new research about Chronic + ADHD(inattentive) related fatigue, and BCAAs
[DISCLAIMER // I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I AM NOT A MEDICAL PRACTITIONER. I AM NOT A DIETICIAN. I'm just a big tired nerd with way too much time on my hands who likes science. I am however, sharing this because this could potentially help others and BCAAs are already safe for human consumption, widely used and easily accessible. If you are uncertain about adding BCAAs to your diet please talk to your doctor first. There are also some medications which interact negatively with BCAA's. Do your research. Also generally be careful about taking medical advice from the internet! ]
I was going to post about something else but I went down the rabbit hole of explaining this study I read and decided that no, this needed it's own thing or it's gonna be a mile long.
So in one of my usual weekly fatigue breakdowns where I was scraping the internet for any kind of information that might point out something I've SURELY missed to explain why I feel the way I do, I stumbled across this study published last year (2022) -
[ The relationship between central fatigue and Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder of the inattentive type ]
The TL;DR on the paper - our previous assumptions about the tryptophan-serotonin system might be wrong (tryptophan being the precursor for a bunch of stuff, including melatonin which is the sleepy chemical - aka why people say drink warm milk before bed to help sleep, that's tryptophan) what was previously assumed was reducing tryptophan = bad because it could affect serotonin production.
Testing in rats (so grain of salt here) indicated that higher levels of tryptophan =/= higher levels of serotonin and when reducing the level of free tryptophan in the bloodstream it returned to baseline. High levels of tryptophan were associated with fatigue and inattention, and rats on a tryptophan deficient diet by contrast took longer to reach a state of exhaustion. I'm skipping over a bunch of stuff but basically - research is now pointing to both Chronic Fatigue and ADHD related fatigue being related to Central Nervous System Fatigue which up until now, has only really been associated with the fatigue athletes experience when exercising really hard (now just picture me doing jack shit and feeling like that every day. Yeah). I've only just stared to see bits and pieces pop up about this recently but nothing in relation to this tryptophan study.
Anyway, the thing about BCAAs: BCAAs (Branched Chain Amino Acids) are currently used to reduce the uptake of tryptophan in the brain for better performance in athletes, help with reduction of exercise fatigue (CNS fatigue) and muscle building. You can pretty easily find BCAA's added to protein-shakes or in it's own kind of supplement. It also occurs naturally in some foods (Beef, Chicken, Eggs, Lentils, Chickpeas, Brown Rice etc.) so it is absolutely safe to consume. It's also generally fairly affordable (especially compared to the lengthy process of treatment + medications that might not even work and you have to keep changing them, yes I am talking from personal experience).
Again, this is all very new and absolutely needs so much more research because up until now, no one has really been sure what causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but tests have shown that those suffering CFS demonstrate similar activation of their muscles as fatigued athletes - as in they could activate them but not to their full capacity. This connection is only considered 'possible' and it might take a good few years before we can say anything with certainty.
But as an extremely tired bitch who is extremely tired of being extremely fucking tired, I am sharing this because it's easy to get, safe, and affordable and if you're like me you're about ready to try anything. And it's not another goddamn pill (I'm on 14 a day).
Also for the ADHDers specifically: protein rich diets are usually advised for us because it helps with the metabolism of stimulants, and can help with softening medication crashes when they wear off. So adding a protein shake with BCAAs to your morning routine might be a good idea. Or just any protein shake in general.
There can be side effects to taking BCAAs, but it is considered rare and this depends entirely on the person. Cross check existing medications, talk to your doc etc. if you are not 100% certain adding BCAAs to your diet is possible. Stay safe peeps.
#science#ADHD#Chronic Fatigue Syndrome#did I put enough disclaimers on this to say I am just sharing research#NOT A DOCTOR#DON'T TAKE MEDICAL ADVICE FROM THE INTERNET#or at least look at what you're being told and go do your own research#basically what this is lmao - my extensive research#disability#the fact they're starting to figure out Chronic Fatigue and ADHD fatigue is related to CNS fatigue is amazing#it means we might be getting closer to a solution#but also science is slow as hell#and well ... BCAAs are right there#idk it's worth a shot to me?#only thing I'm gonna be watching for is mood shit given the serotonin interaction but I'm also on TWO antidepressants including a SSRI#so haha good luck trying to reduce serotonin in MY brain#I'm getting my protein with BCAAs order today and was gonna talk about other diet shit but it was getting too long talkin about this study#Long Covid#could also be a group that might benefit from this given it's considered to be basically Chronic Fatigue or highly related#yeah I am a fucking nerd. my nerd level - goes and reads research papers WHILE DRUNK. yeah.
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It will never not upset me that my brother's friend gets to live off a huge budget bc he tweaked his back a teeny bit in the military but because I was born with an illness that developed over many years and did not join the military I'm just supposed to suck it up and work myself to death I guess.
the man literally plays full contact sports for fun and has full mobility. I can barely work an 8 shift as a custodian and am regularly disabled. which one of us gets paid a living wage hmmm
#smokey talks#looking into disability stuff rn. union rep figured it might be an option for me but its really not looking like it#theres this thing where they can find me a job but they still need to fogure out whats wrong with me and#its not a guarantee that ill get benefits or anything either. it feels so unfair#i dont have time or money to solve my medical mysteries. i need them solved in order to get the time and money though#so unless a benevolent doctor angel comes by and gives me a magic diagnosis im just 'sick'#vent post#hes literally planning a cross country vacation and unemployed but has like 2x my income
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The Stranded Politline.
#“Great men are forged in fire- it's the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.” (War / Abyss Lumine | Lunaetis)#no. more. (the war doctor~!)#faulty circuits (out of character / ooc~)#//THE ACTUAL VERSE IS ON IT'S WAY SOON.#//WE'RE JUST PLAYTESTING IT IN ORDER TO DETERMINE#//WHAT KIND OF TONE IT'S GOING TO HAVE.#//WRITING OUT THE KEY MOMENTS AND WHAT NOT#//And ya'll#//I might be a little unhinged.#//i gotta keep it real with you.
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because i'm feeling chatty today but i know my sentences won't make lots of sense i don't know that the medicine i'm taking for the fibromyalgia is the best fit for me actually. i'm kind of thinking maybe the mental side effects aren't worth the pain relief lol.
#this post brought to you by#the realization as i've stepped back down to 10mg and am taking a look back at the past like month or so#that while yeah my hip problem went away almost immediately because my whole body wasn't in pain constantly#and i stopped having to take regular intervals of NSAIDs throughout the day in order to stave off the fiercest edge of the pain#i'm kind of thinking the intensity of the mental symptoms is more than i want to deal with long-term#is it possible they'd even out if i kept taking it? i mean ANYTHING is possible that's a silly question#but at the same time this is actually kind of distressing and frankly if there's other options that don't make me go fucking nuts#AND makes it so my pain levels are manageable and even reasonable i'd prefer that#like don't get me wrong it 100% did work for what it was supposed to be doing#but also it's technically a depression medication and the mental problems are more concerning because of that#this is like. midsummer levels of frequent breakdowns and this is meant to be the time of year i don't have those#like yes sure i can blame some of it on the holiday season but the coincidence of it being so much worse than i anticipated it while i'm on#this new medicine is just a little too much for me to ignore#the doctor didn't actually prescribe enough of the medicine to last me until the 2 month mark for the appointment i scheduled with her#so i made the decision to start stepping it back down#and the problems decreased significantly off of the higher dose#the pain did return a little though and i'm... not looking forward to the time i'm gonna have to be off of it entirely#but it is what it is and this is probably just going to be Life now#trying a new medicine and figuring out if i can live with the side effects over and over again#i know this is only the first one and it was very pipe-dream to hope it would work perfectly for me#but like i'm still allowed to be bummed that something that almost completely takes away my physical pain#makes my brain unlivable#i should go take some acetaminophen...and i might add a couple ibuprofen in too for good measure#*sad lain noises*
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summary: clan leader!gojo needs a favor from your clan but as the leader you refuse, so he proposes to give you a child since your husband is unable to.
"and what am i to do when the child comes out with a white head of hair and blue eyes?"
“if that happens…” he undoes the knot that holds your kimono together and pushes the material down your arms with no resistance from you, “…then i’ll kill your husband myself and marry you.”
nsfw ahead cw: historical au, infidelity, pregnancy, creampie, child birth, satoru is pathetically in love. featuring samurai bodyguard geto and toji.
“i thought we had solved all our business with the gojo clan” your husband says from the door he leans on.
“and i did” you emphasize the i since the head of your clan is you and only you went to the clan meetings that got things solved. you tapped your lips a little bit more to place the reddish pigment looking at the mirror, “but satoru summoned this meeting and gave no details.”
“satoru huh?” your husband points, not letting go unnoticed the fact you used his first name without formalities.
“all right” you take one step back checking if your kimono is proper, “see you tonight” you peck his lips lightly to not ruin the tint on yours and proceed to the carriage outside.
for years the gojo clan and yours avoided each other due to some very old beef that no one remembers or even was alive when it happened, so when your mother passed and you assumed as the new head you soon decided to reach out to make peace with the current head of the rival clan and a friendly relationship was restored. more often than not you two met, sometimes with other clan members or even other clans when necessary, but today gojo insisted on being just the two of you.
toji, your bodyguard, opens the carriage door when you arrive and give you his hand for you to step out.
to avoid any issues the place of the meeting was always the temple middle way your residences. from time to time your families attended the prayers there, that’s when your husband saw satoru for the first time.
“where’s his wife?” he asked the first time you pointed the white-haired man as the clan head after you made peace.
“he doesn’t have one.”
“fiancée then?”
“i don’t think so” you both watched discreetly as he greeted the monks.
“i find that quite odd. what about the black-haired man?” he pointed to geto, gojo’s bodyguard, “could they be involved romantically?” geto leaned to whisper something to his master, a little bit too close if you might add, a few more inches and his lips would be touching satoru’s ear. his romantic life was no business of yours but you didn’t like the idea of him having any partners, didn’t seem right, though deep down you knew it was very unlikely for a handsome man like him to be alone. both men somehow found your curious gaze.
“geto” you greet the known bodyguard as you enter the temple, and he bows to you, your bodyguard nods at him as well and you’re guided to the secret room.
the conversation went on for almost an hour, satoru served you tea when he noticed you finished yours, which was unusual for a clan head to do such a mundane task but he always insisted no servant join on your private meetings. you always thought he was particularly paranoid about spies, but that suspicion was dismissed when you had your first meeting with other clan heads and he didn’t oppose the people that stayed in the back of the room waiting for their master’s orders.
“satoru we went over this on the last meeting, why am i here?” you are getting impatient, satoru always seemed relaxed when he was at the temple like it’s the one place people don’t come to him with problems, so he tended to do things without any rush at all.
“so impatient…” he smirks, “i was getting to the point but fine. i need your doctors for a few weeks.”
because of the many wars and the necessity to heal mainly the samurai your clan became specialized in healing techniques and remedies instead of combat.
“is someone injured?” you raised your eyebrow, it wasn’t likely for satoru to ask for something like this when he could’ve sent a letter.
“no. but we are expecting a conflict soon and—”
“let me stop you there satoru” you raised your hand and for a second you saw a glimpse of annoyance cross his features, “we don’t get involved with battles anymore, the healers go through extensive training and i can’t risk losing them in battle.”
“so instead of putting their knowledge into practice you rather keep them locked in a room reading books?”
“they are busy with research at the moment” you raise your chin unwilling to budge on the matter.
“is that so?” he tilted his head smiling “and how many people does it take to figure out your husband is infertile?”
you widened your eyes, this is way too personal of a matter for someone else, especially another clan head, to know.
on the other side of the door, geto and toji guarded the room, they were close enough to listen to the conversation and without turning his head geto looked at toji with his eyebrow raised, to which toji only nodded confirming the rumors.
“you’re not the only one with little birds across territories, sweetheart” his smile only seems to grow.
“that is no business of yours. besides, lending you my healers will only harm my clan and, as i said, put them at unnecessary risk” you managed to find your composure back and avoid the infertility topic.
“don’t you trust i have the best warriors? you seemed to when we came to your aid” he reminded a time you asked for their men.
“i paid for that.”
“and what makes you think i won’t?”
“we don’t need money.”
“i’m not talking about money” he drops the volume of his voice.
“listen, satoru—” you rise to your feet sensing the tone of this conversation is off.
“i’m listening, for a very long time i’ve been listening” he rises as well and takes a few steps in your direction, “you know what i listen to? the rumors about your family threatening to make your brother head of the clan if you don’t bear an heir soon.”
you take a step back.
“or the resources you’ve been spending to research a treatment for your husband. tell me, darling, can he even get it up for you?” he is too close now, you can see all the details of his insanely blue eyes.
“he— that’s not a problem” you accidentally confess.
“of course it’s not, look at you” his finger brushes your cheek and the touch makes you burn under your skin, “i could give you a child” he lowers his head to your ear, running his lips on it, “a healthy, smart, beautiful child” he presses his hand on your belly over the thick material of your clothes, “and it wouldn’t even be an effort” he presses his hardened member on your hip.
“and what am i to do when the child comes out with a white head of hair and blue eyes?” you look into his eyes challenging him to a solution.
“if that happens…” he undoes the knot that holds your kimono together and pushes the material down your arms with no resistance from you, “…i’ll kill him myself and take his place as your husband.”
you gasp, not expecting such an answer from the man you always watched trying to find a way to avoid violence.
satoru kisses your jaw then your cheek and when he gets close to your lips you turn your head, your conscience only now, in this intimate act, attacking you.
“he’s not fulfilling his duty” he whispers, letting go of the knot on his kimono, taking your hand and putting it on his chest. you open your eyes, not even aware you had closed them, and see his sculpted torso, so close to you, so warm…
“it’s not your fault, can’t you see?” he raises your chin, “it wasn’t meant to be, unlike us” you know he’s just telling you what you want to hear, but in his voice everything made sense.
“you’ll see” he picks you up and lowers his body with you back to the mat in the middle of the room, his kimono is still around his arms while yours was forgotten somewhere else, leaving only the very thin, dress-like, white undergarment that pretty much showed everything.
satoru lowers his head to your chest, his tongue wetting your nipple over the material, “i bet you’ll become even prettier” he replaces your breast with his hand, big and hot, and goes to the other nipple, “with your breasts heavy and a big belly” he sucks on you, hardly, you put your hand over your mouth.
satoru raises your legs over his shoulders, “your feet will get tired” he kisses the inner thigh, “but you’ll still come and see me” you thought it sounded like a question, it was a statement.
his head goes down, as he kisses your folds your back arches, he licks a stripe ending on your clit and flickering it.
satoru starts to lose himself, he gets too intoxicated by you, almost forgetting time is running against him here. he doesn’t have much longer until your bodyguard gets suspicious and calls for you, and by the way your hand is tight against your mouth he doubts you’ll be able to give a proper response.
he wants to make you cum before he shoots his load, suguru’s intel told him you asked one of the doctors if the woman needed to come to increase the chances. it doesn’t take much medical knowledge to interpret that question.
you cum on his tongue pulling him out of his dreams where he imagined himself doing that every night after those boring fucking meetings he has to attend at every slight inconvenience in his clan.
“it’s gonna be okay, just relax for me” he pushes his length slowly before you get the chance to see his size. you whisper his name behind your hand and he can’t stand not seeing your whole face, so he takes your hand out of the way and kisses your wet lips pushing his tongue and swallowing your moans as he goes deeper and starts to pick a pace.
satoru holds back a curse, reminding himself he’s in a sacred place and although anyone would say that’s ironic given what you’re doing in the temple he would argue that’s even more sacred than what most people prayed for.
you start to feel his weight down on you as he trusts get sloppier, he’s still kissing you, holding your lips with his when he twitches and fills your insides, in your drunk mind you think it’s so much more than what you’re used to.
after he catches his breath he pushes himself up and out of you, you allow yourself to close your eyes for a brief moment but you open them wide again when satoru pushes his cum back into you with his finger, “keep it deep and warm for me, yes?”
one hour later you pass through the door your bodyguard slides open for you to enter your chambers. on the way there you realized there’s no chance he and geto didn’t grasp on what was happening inside the room.
“toji?” you call before he can close the door and go to his personal room, he stops, indicating he listens although he doesn’t respond with the formality others usually do, “i trust you won’t share with anyone what happened today” you speak firmly looking the tall man behind you over your shoulder, his scar stretches slightly with his smirk, the man bows and closes the door.
they said it was a road accident, the horse got spooked and ran, by the time they found it there was no rider so they searched your husband and found his body down the mountain.
the ritual was long, you wore the traditional widow clothing, accepting the kind words of the clan members and the prayer of the monks. though you really were sad, all this pity was making you sicker than…
“at least you didn’t have kids, no child deserves to grow up with a dead father” an old lady says to comfort you while holding your hands.
“excuse me” you turn around walking slowly to not raise suspicions and as soon as it is just you on the other side of your home you bend your torso and throw up all you’ve eaten before the funeral.
you cough and when a tissue enters your field of vision you immediately take it and clean your mouth.
you feel your stomach empty but the light volume below it reminds you of whose fault it is.
you raise with the tissue on your lips to say thank you and the sight of the white-haired man makes you choke.
“shh, it’s okay, i’m here as an ally, to give my condolences to a friend in grief” there’s absolutely no seriousness in his tone.
“what about the war?” you ask through heavy breathing.
“that was child’s play, don’t worry, your healers will return safe and sound in a few days” he puts his hand on your shoulder to calm you down, you do.
satoru takes a second to drop his sight to your belly, it has been a month since your last encounter, and by your sensitive stomach he knows that one time was enough for you to get pregnant.
“do you think you can hide it for another month until the wedding? then when the child is born we’ll just say it was a premature birth” god, your former husband’s body was barely cold and gojo is already planning the wedding and what to say about the baby.
“why now?” you look up at his mischievous eyes, he knows what you’re asking truly.
“i don’t know what you’re talking about, it was an accident right?” he touches your face, brushing away a tear that came out, more of a natural body reaction of your gagging than a sadness reaction.
“satoru, tell me” you demanded.
“i just reflect a little you know? when i said i would kill him you never asked me not to. besides, i don’t want another man to think they own what’s mine” his eyes are darker, you think he’s talking about the child in your womb but by the intensity of his gaze, you realize he’s talking about you. “if you need anything tell suguru, i’ll have him staying in the village until we announce the wedding.”
“no, i have toji, don’t want anyone suspecting geto’s intentions” you defend.
gojo doesn’t seem to like it, but he doesn’t argue either, “either way, i want to see you. meet me at the temple in five days, we’ll talk about the arrangements” he leans in and kisses your forehead before turning away and then back “i almost forgot” he reaches for something inside his sleeve and pulls out a shiny golden bracelet with gems and puts it on your palm, you know you can’t wear it now but god it’s gorgeous, “came from the west especially for you” he puts his hand on top of yours and leaves it there for a long moment as you look into each other's eyes. satoru is fighting the urge to kiss you, if someone catches you he can’t say he’s comforting his recently widowed friend, so he forces himself to let go of you and go head back to his village.
the midwife instructs you to push harder as her helper dabs a wet cloth on your forehead. you’re squatting, on your knees giving your all to push the baby out.
finally one last push is all that it takes for the little one to come out, you want to lay down and close your eyes, but you need to see the baby first so you mumble something with your arms open, the midwife cleans baby’s face through crying and screaming.
“it’s a boy” she whispers putting him in your arms. satoru enters when he hears the cries and kneels in front of you. behind him are both suguru and toji, who aren’t allowed to enter but the men are also very eager to see the child they can’t help but try to peek.
you balance the boy in your hold for a little bit till he stops crying and when he opens his eyes you see the blue sky.
“give him to the father, we’re not over” the midwife says.
“what?” you, satoru, toji and suguru ask. the last two get an angry look from the midwife and remove themselves from the scene.
“the next one will come out soon” she puts new towels below you.
“two children? at once?” you ask in disbelief then look at satoru who can only smile apologetically.
after god knows how long you’re finally allowed to rest as the babies were cleaned and fed. the second one was a girl, with identical blue eyes as her brother and father.
“i can’t believe you put two kids in me” satoru is outside the wooden tub, breaking all tradition by helping you bathe after the birth.
“can’t say i’m sorry for that” he rubs your shoulders, “you were incredible” he confesses now that there’s only the two of you. satoru refuses to even let your feet touch the floor, he takes you out of the tub once the water starts to cool down, placing you on a dry surface and getting on his knees to dry your feet, you reach out to touch his face.
“i love you, satoru” you blurt, overwhelmed by your feelings for the man who was once your rival.
he looks up from his position, taking the hand on his face and kissing your palm, then your pulse, he kisses inch by inch of your arm until his lips are on yours, “i love you.”
"pay up, pretty boy" toji approaches geto.
"excuse me?" suguru looks up from the sword he's polishing now that gojo dismissed him for the rest of the night.
"i said it was gonna be a boy."
"yeah and then a girl came out right after so the bet was invalidated."
"there's no such a thing, the boy will inherit it all anyway" toji crosses his arms, geto laughs, fishing a coin from his pocket since he knows toji will say anything to win the bet.
"and what makes you say that? there's two clans and now two heirs" toji snatches the coin as soon as he sees the silver glow.
"that's just how it has ever been" he turns his back to geto who drives his attention back to his sword.
"things are changing old man.
dividers by @/cafekitsune
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It sure is something that so many of us want to help others but it turns into this series of questions:
Do I want to help? Yes of course
Do I have any money, time, energy, etc. to spend/spare? No and in fact I need more of all those things
We really just live like this don't we.
Anyway I knocked my neck out of alignment today and have to take steroids for the next week. I will be mad about it.
#also things are getting stuck in my throat in a not fun way#i almost choked on the smallest of my pills and some grapes#i think my doctor should have ordered a scan but what do i know I'm just the one that feels like death trampled over#i halfway want to go to a chiropractor to see if they can get me back into alignment but with the stenosis i might make things worse#idk#I'm just#really tired of this#and i clearly can't pay rent this month#so that's fun#but like it's not as if someone is gonna commission me and want to pay up front and get enough for me to pay rent#i mean i don't even do regular art#who even commissions abstract art anymore#I'm going to have really bad late fees#and I'm going to get hounded about it#and I'm not getting any shifts next month#fuck#just when things are getting better for my fiancé#anyway#drink water you heathens
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SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK
#i was like huh whats that noise. bc i can normally NEVER hear anything over my headphones but it was the rain fucking shattering it down#my bed is WET the window was only open a few inches 😭#anyway had no signal at work again today smfh. but at least they let me on the bus free on the way there this morning#still a bit wobbly im in the baby deer phase of post major depressive episode#roommate asked how i was doing when she got home and i very very nearly started crying but i didnt i was so brave#my insane insecurity and anger swings post rsd episode have mostly faded too thank fuck. only took 4 days which is pretty good for me#but im still so so tired it takes everything out of me...#when im recovered + can talk abt it without making myself upset again im promising myself i will talk to her abt the rsd if nothing else#but i really really dont want to make her feel bad abt it at all its genuinely not anyones fault. but its important to me that i say smth#just so we can avoid it happening again where possible bc it does really suck so bad. for everyone im sure but mostly me here#and i would like to be able to care abt ppl and have close friends without risking my entire mental (+ physical..) wellbeing 😭#i think if im still struggling w mood once my meds stabilise i might ask if there are options to help w that too#like i think ive gone as far as i can w therapeutic techniques rn. its just too overwhelmingly intense and reflexive for me to apply that#and i dont feel like i live my life around it or in fear of it anymore like generally i have been a lot better#but when im vulnerable and it DOES strike i have no defense against it whatsoever and it can tank everything for weeks#its just high stakes. and it'll help to make sure ppl know abt it and might be able to support etc but it would be nice to never worry abt#so worth trying meds for it maybe. i just dont rly wanna have the conversations w medical ppl in order to get it in the first place#like i wouldnt feel safe telling a doctor abt it bc the idea of someone with that authority having power over me is terrifying#ah well this isnt a problem for right now. plus stimulants might help me w it anyway once im finished titrating so we'll see#got so distracted typing this i forgot what i was gonna do.... i need to check my planner#and then ill probably read and go to sleep early i think zzzzz#ahhh.. and the birds are singing outside now the rain has stopped :-)#.diaries
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