#mental stuff being. suspected bpd

[muddi-gutz]

when you’re splitting and you have to remind yourself it’s not you it’s the other person in your head 🥲

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I broke up with my partner for mot replying to me enough?

I, (15) and my partner Jam (placeholder, he/they 15 also) have been dating for about a month and a half. Jam has been really excellent at times, except for when he's. Not. I am a very vocal person, and text and send funny images that reminded me of him to Jam often every day. Oftentimes, though, they'll only reply with an emoji, a dry text like "damn" or not reply at all. I suspect myself of having BPD along with ADHD and being autistic, and when he doesn't reply I feel severely rejected and begin spiralling.

A while ago, I reached out to Jam and told them how this made me feel, and how I'd appreciate it if they put more effort into replying or reassured me more that he wasn't ignoring me it being rude on purpose. Jam replied with a huge message about how I was draining for him to talk to mentally, and how he thought if my mental health depended on his replying to my texts, we should take a break. (I never mentioned that my mental health depended on just him. This happens with my friends also.)

I, in turn was obviously a little stunned and asked for time to be alone and process, but a while later he ended up apologizing profusely and asking me to not leave him (which I had no intention of, I was processing what he told me)

After all this, Jam has now been a lot more distant and it feels like they don't want to even talk to me anymore. Some of the stuff that's changed is: they don't say good night or good morning, barely reply to my I love you texts, never compliment me, don't reach out unless I do first and even then it feels as though it's mostly for them to vent.

So, would I be TA if I told him I didn't want this anymore?

(I think it's also worth mentioning there was an event where he had given me permission to infodump about a topic I loved deeply, and wanted him to share in my enthusiasm. When I finished, they seemed disinterested and just kinda replied dryly, which sent me into an upset spiral.)

What are these acronyms?

[kasumingo]

People who are like, get medicated, get therapy, get help, as if its the easiest most effective thing ever boggle the mind. Like i know they cannot know unless theyve been in the system for any length of time but theres so much to unpack here. Theres LAYERS

Theres the fact that everyone should be aware of by now, that its often expensive and inaccessible to many as well, but thats entry level shit. It goes deeper.

The fields of psychology and ESPECIALY psychiatry are steeped in stigma and dogma and straight up bad info. Everything is depression until proven otherwise. Gender stigma is very very real with autism and ad(h)d and so is actual genuine oppression that can come with those diagnoses and anything "more serious". God help you if youre diagnosed with or suspect cluster A or B personality disorders or ANY psychotic ones. I dont have firsthand experience but ive heard enough to know that often those with ASPD and schizoaffective/schizophrenic get treated as subhuman. Not to mention how severe antipsychotics are as medication, theres good reasons people often dont take theirs.

But even if youve got one of the "easy" disorders, guess what? "Success" is still not guaranteed. Figuring out medication and dosage can be a long and exhausting process, a lot of them have significant drawbacks and restrictions.

And cognitive behavioral therapy can also have negative effects! Especially if ur misdiagnosed! Or do it while youre still in survival mode! Or have alexythimia like myself! Its not an one size fits all cure.

People are so ready to condescend to the mentally ill and say stuff like "get therapy" as if its the holy grail of mental care without a trace of irony. People lapse treatment and lick their own wounds the best they can for so many reasons, A LOT OF THEM RELATING TO HOW SHIT AND INEFFECTIVE THERAPY CAN BE, and instead of that being the focus the talk about it is so often boiled down to them being lazy or incapable of taking care of themselves.

I know this couldve been its own post but honestly with you posting abt it i feel better giving this here directly. It got kind of ranty but just, people who use "get therapy" as the ultimate gotcha BOIL MY BLOOD.

People think that therapist, psychologists, psychiatrist and similar are these unquestioned authorities that always have your best interest in mind and have the answer for anything.

While the truth is that the psych field is filled with incompetent bigots either entering the field for the power trip or having an incredible biased and misguided point of view at best.

I don't personally have the experience with BPD or ASPD myself either, but it's not hard to imagine how they treat individuals they don't even consider people… that the majority of society don't consider ones either and doesn't care what happens to them.

AND YES GOD IT'S INFURIATING.

Especially since in many cases it doesn't come from genuine care, but as a dismissal and denial that many people ARE broken, weird, strange, peculiar, different but they do NOT need fixing, CAN'T be fixed and certainly don't owe strangers recovery.

Modern attitudes I'm seeing in online spaces are only setting mental health of the societies back years if not decades and leads to mental health of all involved unnecessarily dipping even further, only adding to what's happening in the world as a whole lately.

It's frustrating and I only can hope that my yelling in the void brings someone peace or makes rethinking the attitudes they've been carrying up until this point.

[forflightlessbirds]

INTRO POST!!!!

hi!! my name is remus / michael

i am a MINOR!!

i am transmasc and gay, alongside being aroacespec :3

what i'll be posting; just about anything! poetry, art, rambling, stuff about my boyfriend (a lot. i apologise), music, theatre, world issues, tma / tmagp, mental health, and anything else that crosses my mind!

i am a did system as well as autistic, and am suspected of having bpd

i am a fictionkin, alterhuman, xenogender / neopronoun, mogai and overall "cringe" identity supporter and i also identify with some of these!! y'all are fine here <3

i am a hellenistic pagan and might post about this, although it could be rare

i will not be engaging in discourse unless it is personal to me.

things i like: music, especially hozier / mitski / mcr; art; poetry / writing; alt subcultures; musicals (ESPECIALLY MELLIOT MUSICALS..); books; tma / tmagp; overall "cringe" and "weird" ideals / views / fandoms / hobbies; marauders

DNI: pr0ship / c0mship, nsfw blogs, fakeclaimers, just basic dni (as long as you aren't a dick, you're generally gonna be fine by me)

socials: ambrose.w.bassford on tt, spider.sparrow. on disc

erm yerm yeah be my friend or something ^-^

[darkbluekies]

Childhood, environment and other factors ESPECIALLY childhood can affect a person even if they are still adults, I've noticed something about people who are diagnosed with BPD have something in common with their childhood, speaking from experience, one factor is abandonment. People who claims to obsessive people or a yandere, would likely have had a childhood or an environment where they were abandoned, not given affection, were not raised to what healthy love is or was exposed to yanderes in such a young age and this is also the same for people who craves these obsessive people too. Seriously though, you're really right about being careful or being wary around people specifically people you don't know, who knows how deranged they are 😭

And yes that is right! Depending on your mental state, it is better to know when to differentiate between reality or fiction but if your mental state is in a poor condition then it is more recommended not to read dark content as you may be inclined to yearn for such things like obsessed people. It will bring you into danger even if it feels good, I speak from experience having someone obsessed with my partner back then and them constantly targeting me 😭 shit year/nav

And yes omfg!! It's so so SO very important to take care of yourself after consuming or making dark content, I actually get distressed sometimes with my course because psychology opens your perspective a lot and it really makes you wonder why people are like that, of course not justifying their behavior if they've done something wrong also minors should also not consume dark content, they are young and learning. these things could hinder a healthy development in the brain. It's not only the fact it's illegal for them to read NSFW/DARK content but it's also to make sure they don't get fucked in the head, I've read things in my teens I should have not and it greatly affected my development, I've went to psychotherapy and I am doing well but for those minors, who fake their age in their bios, please know what you're getting yourself into.

—🌊

I can relate so much to the first paragraph ... or not me PERSONALLY ... but my brother. My eldest brother, 14 years older than me. He is exactly what you described. He has been diagnosed with schizophrenia (?) and we suspect a few other things as well. I know what he went through when he was a child (thanks to his mother, not my mother, we have different mothers) and breaks my heart to know how he became like he did. I just wish he would have had a different childhood, you know? And see if he would be different?

But i CAN personally relate to the later parts. I was also browsing things you shouldn't read at that age when I was a kid and while i think I have been good at keeping fiction and reality seperate, it has made me terrified of people, because of every true crime thing i watched when i was like 12. I am paranoid thanks to that. For fuck sake, when I was 12, I wrote a whole story about 2 sisters getting kidnapped and the older sister going insane and killing people when they were free? Inspired by a real case about shasta groene and the movie Orphan. AT 12. It's insane how a 12 year old could write something like that.

So minors, please take this post to heart and leave. I have stated before that i'm not comfortable having you here, but I know that when I was a kid i didn't care about those stuff and did what I wanted anyways, but I am warning you. If you continue to read and interact, that is entirely your fault, I will not take respnsibility.

I study communication so I'm not sure what type of things you're exposed to in psycology, but i can imagine that it isn't very pleasent. Having someone being obsessed with your partner and you it seems sounds so fucking scary omg, i hope that it is better now :/<3

[lab-444]

TW for talk of RAMCOA and casual mentions of weed/nicotine throughout this blog.

Introduction Post ✿ [OUTDATED]

Hello, we are The Labyrinth of Wandering Stars; or you can just call us Eden. We may use Forest of Wonder and Wonderland as “system names”, but they just refer to separate sidesystems; we may also use the terms front system and back system to describe this.

We’re a HC-DID system who are bodily 18, white, and collectively have AuDHD. Symptoms are spread between alters, but we experience symptoms of bipolar 1, anorexia, DPD, BPD, NPD, and we have a couple suspected PDs that we’d rather not list. We also heavily suspect we have EDS.

We mostly post things related to our DID, though we occasionally pop into communities surrounding other mental health issues + disabilities we have. We also may do random reblogs, fandom posting… Main tumblr blog stuff. All posts about in-depth RAMCOA discussion will be accordingly tagged.

Alters

This is nowhere near a list of every alter, it is just for anyone who wants to make an introduction on our Tumblr. Constantly being added to.

Our headcount is ~2000.

💌 | Anne , they/them

🍇 | Nova , they/ae

🐶 | Charlie , pup/he

❄️ | Vixen/Noelle , she/her

♠️ | 01 , vae/it

❌ | Luci, he/him

Please DNI if you;

Fakeclaim, identify as an “endogenic system”, interact with/post discourse often, basic criteria .

[pluraladvice]

hi. i noticed someone else sent a similar ask but i might as well just throw mine in.. i don't really have anyone to approach about this. no one safe at least. i've been struggling with this for a couple years already.

i experience dissociative disorders, specifically depersonalization, but as far as *i* know, i'm not plural. but i've been suspecting for a while i may experience plurality in some way. i just feel like i'm in a constant state of identity crisis among other stuff i won't get too deep into. but i have no idea if i'm just feeling this way because i depersonalize or what. i'm not about to ask you to diagnose me obviously that'd be ridiculous.

what's i've been goinythru thats making me feel this way is that i never feel permanent. like i never have a clear sense of my identity or who i am at the moment. this even affects my friendships and work life.

i've been looking into p-did for a couple years. but of course dont want to end up being "wrong" and then getting in trouble for faking or anything. what makes it so hard is that i also have h-bpd and other mental illness like psychosis that make it impossible to tell. i guess i just want to know, do you have any advice for figuring things out? or how to "tell"?? i don't know?? i really do want to just take the first step into figuring things out but i have no clue how. even if i do end up not being plural.

and i don't know if validation is what i need, but im not against it. thank you have a great day. love this blog btw. 👍

Never feeling permanent and having a loss of identity is a major factor in most dissociative disorders. And so is depersonalization. I, obviously, cannot tell you one way or another if you are or are not a system. I would suggest finding spaces that make room for questioning plurals and interacting with them, make a safe space for you and just reach out to what feels like headmates. I highly suggest not trying to dig into trauma or anything. That is a very bad and dangerous idea if you are not ready, not in a safe place mentally, physically, or emotionally, or without the proper tools to do so. However, asking headmates their names or favorite colors in a discord server only for you or in a notebook isn't a dangerous act. It's like reaching out to make friends when you were younger, in a sense.

[traumatizeddfox]

replying to your post about people not knowing stuff about mental illnesses:

bro earlier today i was in the washroom and i overheard two girls talking and one of them was saying to the other that she probably had undiagnosed bpd because she “sometimes gets really angry when people are mean” and i’m just like ????????? that’s not what bpd is ??????????? as someone who is actually suspected to possibly have bpd, that is absolutely completely wrong. yes, outbursts of anger are a symptom of bpd, but it is so much more than that.

i’m not going to outright say that she doesn’t have bpd because, who knows, maybe she does. but the fact that it’s being reduced to just “getting angry sometimes” is really fucking annoying.

I FEEL THIS SO HARD.

[painsucklet]

!!TW ED AND VENT POSTS!!

block don't report! this is my safe space to cope with my disorders! i am PRO RECOVERY

if you reblog my posts with ed tags i will block you

hello you can call me dexx or sucklet :) i'm transmasc and use he/xe pronouns, i'm also a part of an osdd system that uses they/fern collective pronouns.

byf-

i am autistic and have a slew of other conditions and mental issues. mainly though there's osdd, cptsd, adhd, bpd, npd, avpd, stpd, dysthymia, dyspraxia, pots, arfid, and ednos. highly suspect ocd and heds as well. i am a huge supporter of self diagnosis with proper research of course. i do post triggering ed stuff but i am not pro4n4. i believe everyone is deserving of recovery, i'm against it being forced though. fuck fatphobia and fatspo. i won't block minors but i'm uncomfortable with them. interact at your own risk.

dni-

-pro4n4/fatphobes -npd abuse believers -basic dni criteria

sh/g0r3 sideblog: @drugsucklet (NSFW warning) | NEW: @cutsucklet

special interest sideblog: @deadsucklet​

[frothingatthemaw]

i see, i respect the maturity in respecting your partner slash best friend's boundaries in that way :). im not the best conversationalist lol but uh.. i guess im the slc punk anon so i can talk a bit about the movie :D

i first saw it a few years ago (maybe three?) when i was super into the punk subculture, going to shows and making my own clothes and everything, and of course i had heard of it since i was into punk, so i decided to watch it. instant classic, i love movies where it feels like an exclusive peek into someone's vibrant and rich life, and all of the interesting people around them.

my favourite characters are sean, mark & heroin bob. sean's just so endearing... his story in the movie fits a lot of the common themes of the stories i tend to like, honestly i'd love a movie just going in on his life. get some more context to the attempted matricide and the homelessness and whatnot. mark's such a strong character, really awesome writing mixed with an awesome performance! he leaves such an impression. he seems like he would be so much fun to hang out with ... i want to be given a tour of all his expensive useless items i love expensive useless items. heroin bob was my #1 favourite before sean was, i think in part because he is so similar to who i was at the time. i was a straight edge punk with issues with mental health and anger and stuff. apart from the straight edge thing, i think we're more similar these days though lol.

id love to hear about your favourite character(s) and why theyre your favourite :D (i think i could guess but ... you know lol)

thank you :] that means a lot nonny!

honestly i wish i had known matthew lillard sooner, or at least have known of his incredible acting and movies. it’s embarrassing to be a fan and known of him from the fnaf movie. like i feel like a matthew lillard fan poser 😭

i agree with everything about what you’ve said with your favs. i’d love a movie on sean! honestly, the gun scene with mark and stevo and bob was terrifying. i understand stevo’s fear in it badly, it always makes me uncomfortable to watch. i see myself in stevo so much through that scene. mark does seem fun though! and, too, i’ve always loved alt culture, at least the fashion aspect. the most i’ve actually looked into deeper things about subculture is the emo one, but it was really fascinating to see a peek of punk stuff!

bob and stevo’s whole relationship does a number on me. i could go on and on about the tragedy for hours. and especially stevo (who is my favorite, you definitely know that lol), who had to find life after bob’s death. the tragedy that is stevo levy makes me feel impossible to explain things. it makes me feel insane. i also think i relate to him a lot, especially how he dealt with things, because of my suspected bpd. i think stevo having the disorder as well explains a lot. his fear of losing bob, his coward ways of not wanting to confront his feelings (maybe because he feels less important or inadequate of having problems because of where he comes from, yk being a rich boy who took prelaw), his burst of anger onto bob about things because he didn’t address them sooner so he just exploded, the attachment to bob even to begin with (definitely his favorite person, which is shown by his breakdown at his dead body and saying he doesn’t have anymore friends depsite having others in his life), having trouble connecting because he feels his emotions are different to others (bpd and having emotions be 0 or 100, the black and white thinking), and adding upon the black and white thinking, how he went from being so wrapped up in punk stuff to hating it. i think it all explains a lot. but this is just scratching the surface! i love stevo so much and he’ll forever have a place in my heart, my special fucked up boy

and! did you hear that in another movie (fat kid rules the world), in some deleted scenes, matthew plays stevo and he’s a high school counselor instead of becoming a lawyer like at the end of slc punk. i have so many thoughts on this and it’s been plaguing my brain for the last few days. the brainworms have taken over

[lock-and-pen]

This is a sideblog of @aevelynx. This blog was created so I could vent without annoying my mutuals. This blog is (probably) best viewed in dark mode.

Header Image: I just looked up "comedy and tragedy masks" on Pinterest and then played around with filters. Chose it for reasons that will make sense if you just go through my blog.

Profile Picture: it's just the lock and pen emoji. Chose it because 1: I'm a writer. 2: I'm generally a private person. 3: it's the emoji claim off I chose on a few other blogs

Due to a mix of financial and personal reasons* I do not have any formal diagnoses. I also have a crippling fear of being wrong so I generally avoid self-diagnosis, but that doesn't mean I think it's invalid. However, given my current environment, how I grew up, and some other things, there are a few neurodivergence/mental illness related stuff that I suspect I have. I'm just gonna list them here:

Things I definitely have:

Depression

Anxiety (both social and in general)

PTSD

Passive suicide ideation

Stuff I'm questioning but not 100% sure of

Autism

StPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder)

(^ might be both. might be one or the other. I'm not sure)

ADHD

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

MaDD (Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder)

C-PTSD

Dysgraphia

Binge Eating Disorder

It's unlikely but not impossible

HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder)

Hyperlexia

SzPD (Schizoid Personality Disorder)

BPD (Bipolar Personality Disorder)

*personal reasons being that 1: I generally hate being wrong 2: I don't want to be accused of faking if I am wrong 3: I plan on moving out of my country one day and I heard that there are a few places that won't accept passports or whatever if you're diagnosed with something

[necr-0-mantic]

☾ -- pinned !

cedar

he/him, transmasc

15

social anxiety, otherwise undiagnosed (for now), suspected bpd

darling (/submissive yandere)

asks/dms always open!! give me attention please!

i do not have a beloved yet, instead i am directing all of my obsession towards my future lover, my "soulmate" ♡

HUGE WARNING for mental derangement!! i may mention self harm, heavy gore, suicide, and other stuff that i'm too braindead to think of right now;;

this is mostly a place for me to vent but it's also a last ditch effort at finding someone... i'm very very desperate for love, i'm a very submissive person and will mold myself into whatever you want! i have no friends currently and have 0 interaction with anyone but my (tiny) family!!! i am very very very manipulatable please i'll do anything. i like being treated roughly and also gently you can literally do whatever you want to me i'm on my hands and knees

thank you for reading!!! 🙇

pfp by mou_xingchen, banner by murakaruki

[zkullz-pluralhelp]

hi. i don't really have anyone to approach about this. no one safe at least. i've been struggling with this for a couple years already. already sent this in a couple other blogs.

i experience dissociative disorders, specifically depersonalization, but as far as *i* know, i'm not plural. but i've been suspecting for a while i may experience plurality in some way. i just feel like i'm in a constant state of identity crisis among other stuff i won't get too deep into. but i have no idea if i'm just feeling this way because i depersonalize or what. i'm not about to ask you to diagnose me obviously that'd be ridiculous.

what's i've been going thru thats making me feel this way is that i never feel permanent. like i never have a clear sense of my identity or who i am at the moment. this even affects my friendships and work life.

i've been looking into p-did for a couple years. but of course dont want to end up being "wrong" and then getting in trouble for faking or anything. what makes it so hard is that i also have h-bpd and other mental illness like psychosis that make it impossible to tell. i guess i just want to know, do you have any advice for figuring things out? or how to "tell"?? i don't know?? i really do want to just take the first step into figuring things out but i have no clue how. even if i do end up not being plural.

thanks and sorry.

Hello there! It's okay to send this ask! I'm very proud of you for talking about this, handling this subject can be very hard.

Figuring out possible plurality is different for everyone, so my advice would be to keep note on things if you can whether its about your day, how you feel, etc

Sometimes asking questions to refill over and over (on separate areas so you don't copy down the same thing) to compare in the future can help from my experience

Checking other system spaces and seeing how they've figured it out and their experiences may help!

Not every system works the same, but there are some similarities when it comes to symptoms

If you are able to and in a safe place to I suggest going to a professional about the issue (especially if they specialize in plural patients)

Even if you don't end up being plural that's okay, if you do think you're plural and end up being wrong that's also okay, exploring yourself and figuring out your mental is important!

I wish you the best when it comes to figuring out things :)

[zackbuildit]

Hey! So I saw you reblogging a post from spyret-the-shitposter saying "Fictive and introject describe headmates and the traits they formed with, rather than interests gained as someone grows up".

Do you think it's possible for fictives and introjects to be tied to someone's interests? Imma not diagnosed with anything but I do suspect I have some kind of a dissociative disorder. A lot of parts of "myself" I experience as being fictional characters, usually from shows or games that I'm currently into. They behave like alters though, being pretty much their own person and really only based on someone else and not actually them.

Ik you're not a professional but I wanted to hear your opinion in this anyway! Ofc you don't have to give one and I understand why you wouldn't

Essay in 3,

2,

1

They very much do correlate! Though, less because of the interest, and more because of the focus on the topic and the time spent interacting with it. It makes sense from a psychological standpoint, if a brain is making an introject then it not only needs to somehow get the information resources needed to introject them, but also it needs reason to expect that who or whatever is being introjected is the easiest or most convenient way to get the results it expects for the system as a whole. Think of the process of formation being like the brain filling out a character sheet. Introjection, in this way, is like using knowledge or inspiration from somewhere or someone else as a way to make filling in the gaps of the sheet more easily. But, of course, to fill in the gaps you need information about the source in the first place.

This is why most systems that get introjects are getting an introject from a source they have a lot of knowledge and memories about or with, because it gives the brain a lot more to work with. Plus, with introjecting vs with original formation, the brain can sometimes better predict what effect they'll have on the rest of the system. Forming a new headmate is inherently unpredictable, since once they form, they become almost completely out of control of whatever force in the brain forms them. This is why brains almost always have at least most of the stuff in every headmate be existing knowledge, beliefs, thoughts, or personality traits from before they formed, it makes them less uncertain. Introjection is just the extreme of that "ensuring intended thing happens" property of formation.

Anyway with all that said, there's also something else relevant. We don't know what the brain did to form a headmate, and we don't know how or why it did that. This is the point of the "introject and fictive are descriptions of headmates" thing. It's almost impossible to know whether a brain intentionally made the headmate similar to a character, or planned to make them feel very connected to a source, because we can't ask a brain to find its motivations.

As for why you feel like parts of yourself are literally certain characters, plurality isn't the only possibility! There's also mirroring, which is common for people with autism, BPD, and a few other mental health conditions. It's where someone unconsciously or unintentionally copies and/or adopts certain personality traits from others or from media. Not saying either one is more likely in your case, the only relevance is it's important to keep in mind there's multiple different possibilities, and even if you completely rule out one or two, it doesn't necessarily confirm or deny something else, make sense?

[notdonebeingmessy]

FUCK, I HATE THIS DUDE

I just want to tell him:

I don't think I've been unreasonable. I say sorry easily and admit when I'm wrong and I don't get upset easily. But when you say a bunch of stuff to the tune of "no, see, you're unjustified for feeling any sort of way because I'm fucking doing a bunch of stuff and you're just living in the past", it feels pretty invalidating.

And I'm not crazy.

You said I have BPD. As I said, I've looked into BPD before and I don't have any of the characteristics. I'm not promiscuous, I don't do drugs or drink, I don't engage in self-harm, and I don't have unstable relationships. Even though I have suicidal ideation from my depression, the only time I've ever attempted suicide was when that whole thing happened when I was 19. I maintain friendships that stretch back pretty far too, some from [another state], some from when I first moved to this state.

You're the only person I act like a fucking abused animal with because you are how you are.

So, no, I don't have BPD. I do have anxiety, depression, and PTSD due to my upbringing with parental abuse and neglect. And I'm starting to suspect that I have PTSD from when that ugly chapter happened years ago with you.

Another thing that I don't understand is why you get mad when I say things that are true regardless of how true they are:

-[Name] gets mad easily. This is true. You acknowledged that she gets really jealous. I told you about the story where she yanked a game controller out of my hand, in a church, no less. I've seen her yell and act like she would want to fight people.

-Your mom could be manipulative and abusive in the past and indirectly contributed to my mental breakdown. She used to hit you, threaten you, forced you to shave your head, slap you in the face. Of course I don't like her for those reasons and think she's a nasty person regardless of the fact that she's your mother.

-You can be a jerk. You know this. You've said it. Everyone who knows you knows this. You can be very cold and dismissive and you go there quick. And your unwillingness to share even minute details like your job communicated to me that you aren't really interested in opening up, regardless of how vulnerable I made myself. So, why would I keep trying when I was the one who consistently tried sharing things about myself from the very beginning? With the exception of the paintings, you didn't seem to really be invested at all. Even with the paintings you didn't say anything other than asking if it was one type of paint and asking how long I've painted twice even though I had already told you I hadn't painted before.

-I say the n-word. You assumed I don't have any Black in me and disregarded my heritage just because I don't have enough African traits for you. But even if I didn't have any Black in me whatsoever, I come from the perspective that everyone should be able to say it regardless due to this very line of thinking. You can't expect everyone to whip out their "I'm Black enough" certifications to justify saying a word to you. And when people use a word enough times it loses its power. You don't have to agree but I'm being true to my own beliefs, so don't police my speech.

Rather than becoming offended and saying nothing only to bring it up later passive-aggressively, why can't we acknowledge these things or at least acknowledge my right to have my own justified feelings about them due to my experiences? I don't think it's a sin to be honest about things. I shouldn't have to assume from your silence that you were offended and then scramble to figure out why you were offended, or risk waiting until you save up enough things to be mad over to hit me with them when you feel like it.

I know your perspective was that I'm stuck in the past but I don't really see it that way because I had shown in every way that I wanted to have a friendship and I didn't hold anything against you. But when things started following that old, familiar pattern of me being vulnerable and receiving next to nothing in return, that spoke to me. Apart from the paintings, scroll up and see how many times I tried to engage you and was met with either "I don't want to talk about that" or was just straight up ignored. I shared so many things about myself and decided to be vulnerable. I was even honest about how I felt unimportant to you, hoping to address that rather than be told "I don't know why you're feeling that way. You're living in the past and you probably have BPD."

When you showed a bunch of signs of being angry and didn't want to give the slightest verbal admission like "[Blogger], I care about you even in the smallest way", and started bringing up stuff I profusely apologized for, it just served as confirmation for me that you're still the same old person regardless of whatever you say. And you didn't have to make extra jabs out of spite when I decided to be done. It just really cemented the fact that you're incapable of displaying any sincere empathy (at least towards me).

I'm the one that went in with a good attitude. I'm the one that took a chance and reached out in the first place. One of the first things you did was state how people just use you and leave. Do you see the difference in my approach every step of the way?

I tried as hard as I could to be honest about anything I've ever felt while you just save up slights and decide to use them whenever you feel like deflecting and wanting to seem like the bigger person.

I already know what you think of me but also one of your other exes was "pathetic" and you also don't have any friends through no fault of your own because it's all just "good riddance" left and right. Look at your life. It's not me who has the problems. It's not me who's negative and stuck in the past. I've been married since 2016 and for some reason my husband just can't get enough of me even though my heart hasn't been in it for like 2 years now. Because regardless of anything I try and try and try.

But the common denominator in your miserable life is YOU. You don't think it's a coincidence that you end up evoking this feeling of intense dislike inside of everyone who gets to know you? Even the ones who WANT to try to like you? You think it's a coincidence that the only people who put up with you are the ones who are bound to you by blood?

And no time spent in one religion or another will help you if you refuse to face the fact that you can be awful to people who have good intentions.

[afacetedgem]

Found this old median ask meme from a few years ago while looking through random older blogs for info on median systems. Decided to fill it out more like a questionnaire to try to... work things out. Reminder that not all questions may apply to (all or some of) you, so answering N/A is super valid! Headmates/aspects/personalities/facets/etc. will be referred to as “parts” here.  1. Is anyone fronting right now? If so who?

Mila/Quartz hybrid

2. How many parts do you have?

Uhhh no idea. Not sure if it's a lot (like hundreds+) or if it's just a few that are constantly shifting and changing

3. What is/are your name(s)?

Mila, Quartz, and Mia have names. Quartz is like the "default" self. Mila is the teen. Mia is the little. That's moreso how I can easily translate it to the external world then how it actually is internally. We're kind of just sorting it by age right now.

4. What is/are your age(s)?

Quartz is 29, our chronological age, but sometimes feels more early 20s. Mila is around 13-18 but usually 15. Mia is like... anywhere from 2-12.

5. What is/are your gender(s)?

Mia and Mila mostly use she/her and Quartz is more they/them but is okay with she/her. But we do not actually care what pronouns are used. Gender itself... tend to say genderqueer woman but it's confusing.

6. What is/are your sexuality(ies)?

Quartz - queer. Mila - queer or bi. Mia - n/a.

7. What is the relationship between your parts?

Don't know how to describe

8. Do you ever find all/none parts fronting at the same time/feel “whole”/can’t tell who is fronting?

I wouldn't say all front at once. Can never tell for sure what's going on.

9. Would your parts share partners?

Mia doesn't want a partner. Mila would only date another facet in a median system the same age as her who is bodily over 25. It's a very specific unlikely situation and not a priority. Quartz wants a partner and all parts within Quartz would date together.

10. What triggers (happy or otherwise) bring out your parts?

Fatigue, stress, bad stuff happening can bring out Mila or Mia. Or if something they like is around.

11. Do you feel like your parts adhere to typical roles?

Not really I don't think.

12. Do you consider yourself an endo system, a trauma system, both, or neither?

Traumagenic. We understood ourselves as faceted due to trauma specifically long before having the language for it.

13. Have you been diagnosed with/think you have some sort of mental illness that relates?

CPTSD would be the main one. I'm autistic but idk how it'd relate here, other then being abused for it. ADHD can cause memory issues and interests that change a lot and I think dissociation and ADHD are both causing those things to happen at the same time, making it worse.

I haven't been diagnosed with but experience DPDR constantly. I have considered ADHD, DPDR, and BPD as possible explanations for my experiences. However multiple professionals have said I definetely do not have BPD (as I only have identity issues and dissociation, not the other symptoms) and neither ADHD or DPDR together or in combination seems to be a complete explanation.

I suspect I may have OSDD-1a, but I guess it could be DID and I'm not aware of the more distinct alters. I feel like I would have noticed them by now? IDK. I forget things a LOT but I've never been sure what the normal amount to forget stuff is so IDK if I have enough amnesia for OSDD-1a, but definetely not distinct enough for OSDD-1b. IDK what people who are not distinct enough for 1b but don't have enough amnesia for 1a but who obviously have issues related to dissociation get diagnosed with. UDD?

14. Do you consider yourself/yourselves “a system” or as “having multiplicity/being multiple” or do you feel closer to a singlet?

IDK. I use different terms to describe myself at different times. I usually use singular pronouns out of habit even though it doesn't feel right.

15. How much control do you feel like you have over your parts?

I can't tell. Sometimes I feel like my body does stuff without me but idk if it's regular losing control due to emotions or someone else doing things.

16. Are your parts you?

Yes they are all parts of me, dissociated to a greater or lesser extent.

17. What’s the funniest switch you’ve ever had?

I don't know.

18. What’s the worst switch you’ve ever had?

I don't know.

19. Can you control switching/who is fronting?

A little. I can bring out Mila or Mia more if an activity they enjoy is available.

20. Do you have a “host” or “core” part?

Quartz is like a default state and I can always access "adultness" if needed

21. If you’re comfortable sharing, why do you think you are median/a median system?

It's the closest term I've found to how my mind works. Understanding myself as median feels better then forcing myself into a singlet identity, as the cognitive dissonance becomes really distressing.

22. What’s been the hardest thing for your parts to agree on?

lol everything I guess

23. Have you ever had to change what you’re doing or wearing or eating or listening to because you’ve switched?

Had to? no. I just wanted to.

24. Describe your parts.

Might have to come back to this one

25. Do you consider yourself m-spec or multigender on a whole if any of your parts have different sexualities/genders? Or do you prefer to treat each part as it’s own separate and not use umbrella labels for you all?

I don't really know. We all have the same gender just understand it in different ways I think.

26. What is each part’s favorite _____?

This one is broad might come back to it.

27. Do you feel welcome in system spaces?

As a whole, not really no. Especially because of my age. Everyone is so much younger. I'm sure there are a lot of 25+ systems out there but the spaces for them I've come across tend to be more DID-focused. I'm in a discord server dedicated to CDDs that I feel welcome in, and another more dedicated to mental health as a whole with a multiplicity channel that I like.

28. Were you ever a singlet/do you think you will ever be a singlet again?

I don't know. I first felt faceted at 15, but I think I was prior to that. I don't really want to be a singlet but I would feel more comfortable if I could have less but more distinct facets so I know who I am.

29. What’s the biggest misconception people have about (all of) you?

That we're singlet I guess. I've told very few people.

30. Free question, but please be respectful!

N/A since I'm not doing it as an ask meme.

People who clown on this post will be blocked.