#me: but i didnt even eat anything
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Oh ok I see it's BAD bad.
#me: ok right so solve this train playing the uke for authors reading go to statistics class tell classmate you have time tomorrow#sleep for an hour take statistics seminar go prepare authors reading call the school counselor to ask him what why he called us#host authors reading go-#my brain: wait wait no cant do that. you cant go outside.#me: w- what#my brain: oh you cant go outside. you know because youre so ugly. you cant subject people to the shape of your body.#in fact you should go throw up. btw.#me: but i didnt even eat anything#my brain: doesnt matter. you should throw up. hope this helps.
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do you consider your self made?
#my art#self portrait of sorts#been musing a lot on disability recently and how being relatively freshly unable to do Most Things has changed my perspective on things#for a long time growing up i was fixated on the idea of being An Impact On The World yknow? mainly the next Big Writer#(and that it would be sooo impressive that everyone would make my books bestsellers when i was only 12 because it was That Good)#and i mean. obviously that didnt work out as originally planned because i was 12 and learning. but I've felt a lot like#I've kind of built my sense of self on those big achievements. even if they were only big to me. and a lot of them#are now out of reach or very difficult to reach. and it's been a lot to. recontextualize#to take what ive been told my whole life and ignore it in favor of just being being enough.#things will happen as they happen. i havent earned anything by suffering but it hasnt ended the world either#im here doing what i Can do for as long as I'm able to do it. and thats all i need to be for now#just making sure that i Do do the things i can do rather than assume i can do them later#anyways. love you#cw:#top nudity#artistic nudity#the dreaded ambiguously presenting nipple#if you put any pro weight loss eating disorder shit on here ill kill you btw#my body is sexy because im in it and im still alive. not because its struggling to stay that way#lindwormposting
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PLEASE DONT TAG AS D/NA/TIONS ETC!!
hey, I didn't want to do this but Im at my wits end. I'm Haney, im disabled physically and mentally, and I need financial help. Recently me and my two friends have been kicked out of the place we've been living at and had to scramble around to find a place that would let us move in. We had no money at the time and we still barely do. We found a flat that let us take our cats and also allowed us to pay some costs like agency fee at a later date to help us. I borrowed 3k PLN from my (also struggling) family to pay the first rent, but we still have to pay 3k deposit to the landlord, and 2.5k to the agency. My paycheck this month was only 2.5k, and girls are struggling with money too, we just don't have enough and I have noone to turn to at this point.
We're around 2k short, not even counting in things like food, and my family is broke, so I have to ask for help. Literally anything will help, because a single dollar is worth quite a lot of PLN. I can do anything in return too: draw, write, help you with homework or projects, teach you polish lang/history, send nsfw content, whatever comes to your mind, just tell me and I'll try my best. I work 10-12h shifts so it might take a while but it'll be done.
I have ppal, and if you're polish ask me for BLIK. I'd appreciate any help and reblogs. Thank you.
^ my photography for attention
#patxt#if you wanna ask abt anything dm me it's just that thr whole story is so long and insane i didnt wanna write a novel here#I'm gonna genuelly explode we have like two days and my paycheck is so shit I don't even have my mobility aids with me my psychosis is#reaching new peaks I. coughs blood dies explodes. I have no idea what to do I'm sorry for asking for money but like this is miserable#we're selling anything we can I'm trying to work more but I'm genuelly so bad health wise and i dont have money for housing yet#alone doctors 🤡 almost everything I eat comes right out of me IMMEDIATELY my leg is flopping ad usual my crutch was left at the last house#and i am so derealized most of the time I don't even know where I am I just. idk. we need help 😭😭😭
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Also what Senshi is to other people, Sportacus is to me because for breakfast instead of doing like. 4 toaster waffles I made a turkey, spinach, and avocado omelette and it was quite good ☺️💖💖 I think he'd be proud of me!!
#jane journals#self insert talk#🍎 apple of my eye 🍎#gotta admit i HAD been slacking a bit on including healthy stuff in my meals 😬😬#or just. having meals in general#i usually DONT eat breakfast before work or if i do its rly small#but idk i think he'd want me to have the energy i need to do my shift and anything else that comes my way!#i even bought some apples to snack on >//<#even tho i didnt bring them to work ajfjg theyre for later#apples have always been my favorite fruit 🥰🥰🥰
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Happy Halloween everyone!!! Hope everyone's had a nice spooky season <3
Also with the Galloper's horse glitch you can see that his model is much smaller than the updated player which is very amusing to me LOL
#I think this is the first time I've drawn Marie's annual costume as well#galloper thompson#star stable online#sso#sso art#my art#sso halloween#gunnar thrymson#marie/oc#i celebrated halloween by watching a bear eat a pumpkin#she was very cute about it#i didnt end up doing anything costumey even though my micheal myers mask was looking at me#just got drunk at a bar my friend works at loool
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Hear me out (or don't... it's fine I'm just venting and mean) yeah um I don't believe Chakotay was saved in Prod*gy s2.
#the 'time travel' makes no sense when you think on it. What happened to Prime Chakotay? He got killed they showed that.#At the end s1 Janeway finds an 'alternate chakotay in an alternate timeline' and that's the one they go and get#we saw the original get merc'd in the message. That ACTUALLY happened. Lmao.....#They didn't prevent THAT death because they didn't go to THAT Solum with the Infinity and stop it from happening#instead it was 'ALTERNATE#' implying other.#OG Chakotay wasn't taken over by the alternative one either nothing suggests that was the direction for him in s2#they didn't do anything like 'well you see chakotay because at the end of s2 when we converged timestreams you have merged with your other'#if they did want to recover the original from s1 then keep that clear instead of being convoluted dont use an alternate timeline wtf#instead the plot was focused on gywns stupid fucking paradox plot and her being fixed#chakotay was the one in a paradox too did that not matter nah dw about it he had to die for this outcome or someshit lmao why#In the extended message given to admiral janeway it shows him clearly getting left behind and surrounded. Sadly no one intervened.#I dont understand why they couldnt have just made s2 about his rescue alone IF they took their time it wouldnt be so difficult#to follow#above that the one they rescued was ruined by the 10 year gap so he wasn't 'saved' at all. God i hate s2 when you break it apart#I dunno the more i look at s2 Janeway and Chakotay the more upsetting it is. Janeway would NOT have settled for an imposter.#everyone going goo-goo gaa gaa over s2 but it's sloppy af imo and undermines a huge portion voyagers struggles#id really like them to flatly lay out their ideas because literally nothing ive heard explains the story or choices of s2 with conviction#instead it's oh clap for wesley or the new vulcan and other references yay#describe to me your timetravel clearly and i'll happily take a seat on it (there is still other crap stuff mind you)#this is the most repressed shit i my head i swear#im angry because s1 is so clearly mapped out to a brilliant degree and for whatever reason it's not in s2#i can see through it#insultingly people are eating it up and claiming it's better than ever nah dawg embarrassing#there are nice ideas inside s2 but they arent adequately rewarded#it doesnt compare to the timetravel in other trek because they kept it clear#i mean it could have been an interesting parallel to endgame but in the end janeway didnt even rescue him lmao they dropped her#why bother building up this mission only for her to give up and go 'i'll hand it over because im told to'. Janeway had fuck all this season#let alone settle for not fixing her own timeline and her own friends deadly circumstance dw just grab another one from the shelf i guess#the emotional fallout was absolutely missed because they didnt elaborate on anything. Plenty of show but no substance from the characters
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progressing through the myth of sisyphus again
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#netzach#netzach lobcorp#obligatory drawings. ive had the book since my freshman year in highschool but never ended up finishing it due to how its worded and the#structure of it.. i need to be in a very specific state to be able to focus. mostly for reading in general but even more so for this#i have done parts though. never in its entirety which is a shame its a very intriguing read. hopefully i can finish it and then reread to#fully process. it is just 138 pages after all. its just so Dense... enough of book shit though. LOBCORP!!!#living hurts but the body yearns for preservation and people want to Live. to live is such a crucial want even if the self doesn't recognize#it on its own. everything in the flesh is designed to try and keep you alive. pains to eat the signals to drink the fear of hurt and pain#the automatic jerk when pain is experinced. the signals to show pain. yet living hurts. to survive hurts. so to sleep#to numb the pain to go through escapism to shut your eyes. general ideas. to see such a thing addressed and spoken about and acknowledgement#of pain and how it gets to that point was very stunning to me. it felt so real. seriously its hard to Not consider such a thing and its#rather scary? moreso when one doesnt have the words to explain or able to see such a thing experinced. it felt amazing? to see such a thing#Wanting to Die yet not to Die and to live but living hurt so much and so to get by and for the pain to Stop one does anything to soothe it#suffering is tiring. suffering hurts. its empty yet its excruciating. the want for it to stop and to not be there and experince it anymore#be it through various means or to the extreme to force it so that Nothing Else could ever happen to you. even pain. ahh nuts not quite just#lobcorp its just ramblings in general somewhat related since i didnt reread the exact dialog lately.#anyway skethcy drawings yay... i am fine currently its not super bad as it was earlier just a fatal flaw of thinking a lot (rip)
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i never realised how poor i was until i got a job lol
#i *knew* we werent rich but now????#i can just??? buy stuff??? for myself???#i have brought this up so many times in therapy. like. i dont have to worry about food going bad???#or like. not in a 'if this goes bad i wont have stuff to eat' way#and i can just try food that im not sure ill like???#LIKE. i just bought some dungarees on a whim!!!!!#i have always had so few clothes holy shit and im only realising that now#and like. looking back thats obviously why i never went to any concerts or anything#also. thats why i stopped eating meat for a few years lol i couldnt afford it#i literally ate rice and broccoli for my first year of uni#ANYWAYS UM. yeah its sooooooo weird that i have money now?????#i started buying video games for my brother!!!!!!!#i can offer to pay the shipping fees for my brothers boardgames!!!!!#its just. looking back i WISH i could hug little me she was going through it and didnt even notice!!!!!#nett rambles#yes i was crying by the time i finished lol can u tell
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habeas corpus – detective comics #1086
(ID in alt!)
#loved this back up feature so much and seeing that bruce timm shit made me annoyed enough to actually transcribe it#first the way hes depicted as having to stand trial and ARGUE and fight for the rights of using the coin#rather than it just being a compulsion and something he must do before a decision....#like every time. every time when he's 'leaving it up to chance'—thats a time when harvey won. thats a time when harvey fought for the right#to use the coin and make it at least a 50/50 chance instead of 'crawling away until the hard part is done' like two face pushed for#every single time. regardless of the results regardless of knowing theres only a halfway chance of it actually achieving anything#or lessening the damage two face can/will do. every time hes fighting for and still believing in a fair trial and that everyone deserves on#it isnt him being weak. it isnt him avoiding responsibility. its him fighting and forcing and pushing for it as hes internally at war#with himself 24/7. even when two face wins he doesnt give up & continues to fight for what he believes in despite the injustice done to him#the way he tells Judge Janus that it isnt about HIM (himself!) while defending the right of existence to the jury of other societal rejects#the way he gestures to himself only at the very end. he asks the judge does that sound like anyone he knows and janus replies in two faces#voice but harvey keeps going. he keeps fighting for others. but at the end in actually acknowledging two face being part of him#(and by extension harvey being part of two face) and how harvey is fighting just as much to have a place as two face is#(but more within his own mind & upholding his belief system still despite knowing how it continues to fail them) and just FUCK#and two faces snaps! how theres no jurisprudence system above there either ! just no one will admit it!#how harvey knows!!! look what happened to him when he was doing the right thing!#look how many criminals and mob bosses paid their way out! look how the police are corrupt!#but still believing in it and how a system has to be in place despite being a direct victim of it as well and just GOD#I LOVE YOU GOOD HEARTED AND WANTING TO HELP PEOPLE HARVEY DENT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE FAMOUS TO ME !!!!!!!!#taking away how he genuinely wanted to help people and bring wrongs to rights takes away literally everything hes built on#it takes away the entire fucking tragedy of his character (and in many ways it changes how bruce himself operates and believes because#harvey WAS a good man doing everything by the books. he was trying to bring justice in the 'right way' and believed in the system. he was#what people tell bruce he should be and look where it got him. look how the system failed 'even the good ones' because the system itself is#corrupt. it isnt flawed—it was operated to oppress and thats why it cant just be fixed but must be entirely rebuilt and why bruce must#operate outside of it. it also gives more depth because harvey is one of batmans first and biggest failures. he didnt protect him.#he didnt save his parents as a helpless child (as bruce) but he couldn't save his parents as BATMAN.#it wasnt just random chance like his parents tragedy but this was calculated and something bruce didnt stop. its ALWAYS going to eat at#him if he could of prevented it by telling harvey his identity. by doing something different. by being more prepared or somehow#knowing it was going to happen. harvey is the face of tragedy in so many ways that cant fit in these messy rambly tags but its ALLL!!!!!!!#bc harv was (and still is despite it all! despite two face!) a good man!! because he originally was a glimmer of hope to bruce & the city!!
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the crushing autistic defeat of taking your whole family out to eat on ur dime and after spending all that money the food u got was Not Autism Approved so you ended up throwing away 80% of ur meal
#im so hungry rahhh i spent $45 and didnt even eat anything raHhhh#sometimes meat textures are just so heinous i would rather puke and die than eat them. i cannot help it#there was nothing wrong w the food it was me. im the problem
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WAIT!!! I just remembered something. Core memory unlocked but like-- slightly bad one. Is there long lasting damage to the stomach from being starved for long periods of time? I think my stomach got fucked cuz of that actually.
#aria rants#i was just listening to music and then sudden thought occurred to me like: ''whoa... wait a minute-- is my fucked up stomach a result#of the consequences of my actions in the past?'' it isnt as bad as it sounds-- i think-- but basically when i was still going to school#i REALLY DESPISED the school bathrooms. id go during the first year in elementary and HATED IT A LOT ever since so to make sure#i Very Rarely or Not Ever use it at all. id rarely eat. cuz my logic during then is: dont eat = dont need to drink water = no bathroom use#it was alright during elementary cuz school only lasted until 12 pm during then so i get to eat properly still (eat breakfast at home)#but it got worse during junior high. cuz id be going home in the afternoon around 3 pm? 4 pm? smth and yet-- i still continued to not eat#id eat only breakfast at home before going to school and never again unless i got Really hungry that id eat some snacks and proceed#to not drink anything at all. that continued on until senior high but its less bad cuz the bathroom in that school was Way Better#it was cleaner and less dirty so i didnt mind that one but i still refused to go anyway so id still rarely eat and drink#my mom would be packing foods for me to eat at school as a just in case i would eat em but i still didnt so id just eat those at home#the consequences of my actions haunts me even though years had gone by...
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ii quite enjoy cooking although i dont know a whole lot about it but it is fun and i like to experiment and just wing stuff.. i also dont have a lot of like, resources bc my house is fucked up and nothing works and we own one pot, ive wanted to try baking out for a long time but the oven doesnt work yadda yadda yadda But well one day, whenever i live somewhere else, i can try it out.. but i liike doing what i can do here and it is so nice when i make food and its yummy :] esp if other people eat it too and also like it. i made cinnamony soft apple thing and my momma said is really good she liked it
#i get sad if i think about it too much bc i really would like for my dad to teach me stuff#but he cant due to how he lives within the soil of the earth these days. but he was a chef and made rly good food always.. well its ok#i also always regret that i was such a picky eater when i was younger#and i became much more courageous w trying new food and realized i like eating just about anything#around when i was like uuh.. idk 15 or 16 or so but#there was always a lot of food my dad would make that i wouldnt even try bc i was picky and i didnt stop being picky until years#after he died. i wish i could let him know. hed be happy about it i think#only slightly related but when i was little and would see in like#movies or at school and stuff how the mom/women stereotypically do the cooking in households it confused me#bc my dad cooked everything at my house like the only thing i can rmbr my mom making ever is like#Box mac and cheese
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Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake
#was already not in a great place mentally but i entertained the call and was actually feeling okay talking to them giving them an update#she just hits me with that. and I'm not normally sensitive about my weight even when my mom harped on me for gaining some a few years back#i genuinely normally don't care bc I'm happy with myself. but i know ive lost weight because I've been on icu and we don't have time to eat#im so fucking mad and im even more mad I'm crying about it#bc what the fuck#i was actually feeling like momentarily safe talking to them and being vulnerable about working on my next life stages#and she just ruined the call. i wanted to talk to my mom and dad more. i do miss talking to them about some things.#i was happy to get to see my family all together even if it was for the dogs birthday. and people were smiling and shit#and ik theyre gonna say i ruined it by being sensitive but jfc#it was literally the 2nd thing my mom said to me on the call after we sang happy birthday#why couldn't she just shut up. why couldn't she have said anything else. why did i let it bother me so much i hung up#I'm just fucking tired and sad and now feeling even lonlier than ever#i just wanted a nice moment with my family god fucking damn is that too hard to ask for#and im even more angry and sad now that i cant call them back bc my mom will get on me about smth else we were previously talking about#that phone call was supposed to be a neutral zone just for the birthday song. and i was going to ride it out but fucking hell#why didnt i just put up with it so i could have talked to my family#and no calling them back isnt an option. they haven't apologized and it would be an un neutral call#which gives them space to harass me about work and shit
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i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again
#rending.txt#i dont know how to stop binging i was doing so well yesterday and then for no reason it fell apart#i just want to stop#i have so much to do today but i just dont want to do anything im so depressed#im just going to lay in bed and eat all day and think up ways to die#i already know my chosen method i just cant be bothered right now so maybe later#i just want to keep sleeping#i called in sick to work today because i was so so tired and i slept i think nearly 12 hours which isnt bad#i wanna go on a walk and work out and stuff but i just. cant right now. i need to work on my job presentation but i just cant#i just want to keep eating and go back to sleep and then wake up and end it#but i just need to make it to therapy tomorrow and maybe itll get better? who knows#i dont even have the energy to walk up to tesco to get blades or more food so im laying im bed eating dry granola like a pathetic pig#i dont wanna talk to anyone but my boyfriend but hes asleep and i dont want to vent to him anymore because it makes me feel guilty#and it doesnt help to vent to him anymore so i just make him sad for no reason and i dont know how to vent to anyone else#i havent changed my bedsheets in weeks and theres so much trash on my floor you can barely walk in my room and i havent showered in a week#i just dont have the heart to cry anymore i just want it to stop#i did everything i was supposed to so i could prevent binges and it didnt work at all so i think im beyond saving lol
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friend of friends here. genuinely asking how you've never tasted apple pie because it's like. idk one of the common ones ? (I'm not even an apple pie lover- catch me with some cherry or blueberry over apple anyday if we're talking pies)
hello friend of a friend :D
OK SO LIKE
ive never actually had any pie OTHER than pumpkin pie & the reason 4 that is bc my older brother doesnt like any other pie
he has texture issues & just, ??? bc he didnt like it my parents never interacted w/apple pie or any pie outside of pumpkin since? asklfhdsjk
this happens w/all kinds of food & also just other thingssss
this is y ik nothing of starwars; bc my brother h8ed it so i just never got 2 watch any((dont ask how weird that was i just assummed it was a rule & havent made time 2 watych it idk kfjhdsfkj))
also NO1 SELLS ANY APPLE PIE HERE I DONT GET IT
im from goddamn the west of west & just WHERE IS THE APPLE PIE ALL I SEE IS PUMPKIN PIE & CHEESECAKE 4 MILES 2 COME
#iim trying 2 think of other foods that my brother just disliked that ive never had bc of it#ik 1 is casserole?#IDFK HOW 2 SPELL THAT#BUT YEAH THAT ive never had that in my life idek what its suppossed 2 look like#kinda hard 2 know what uve never had if uve never had it#OHH OHHHH#4 the longest time i didnt have chicken nuggets bc my brother laid claim 2 them#i went about 16 yrs w/out them#never had biscuits & gravy#i looked up a list lmao hold on#no meatloaf#tf is a crab cake#never had a cobbler but i have heard friends talk about hwo good it is so im guessing its quite popular#yeah just just some foods ive never even laid eyes on akfjHDJSFG#BUT LIKE#IN MY PARENTS DEFENSE#I NEVER ASKED 2 TRY THEM#bc im known in my family as like “the goat” or “the pig” i eat anything & everything u put in front of me moldy bad or not#so like ive eaten frog legs & sardines n stuff i LVOE SPAM & whatever gross foods ppl dont like#but never apple pie yeahhhhh#fdshjsdgfjhs srry i rambled WAYYYYYY 2 long#u dont even know me KJHFUKSDGFJHLASGFYUHJWAGFIUHSJDK#whateverrrr#puppee answers#ty 4 the ask but honestly the answer make little 2 no sense#its just a thing
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