#me for the last few hours: WHAT THE FUCK
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nobody:
nytimes:
In ‘House of the Dragon,’ a Sapphic Subtext Reigns Supreme
HBO’s “Game of Thrones” prequel “House of the Dragon” has returned for a second season, bringing back the greatest tragic love story now on television: the star-crossed love of the central characters, Alicent Hightower (played by Olivia Cooke) and Rhaenyra Targaryen (played by Emma D’Arcy).
The romantic energy crackling between the two queens is clear enough to have drawn notice. As teenage best friends, they loved each other in that heady mix of romance, friendship and mimicry characteristic of girlhood. As adults, stripped apart by forced marriages and primogeniture, their romance withers into endless competition and bitter cruelty. They plunge their families into a brutal civil war, replete with parricide and dragon fire.
All the show’s conflicts could be solved if our heroines could explore more productive possibilities. Like any good tragic romance, the unfulfilled longing that stretches between the two characters acts as the tension that holds the story together. Without it, the story would feel far less Shakespearean.
The story’s queer subtext is purposeful. Emily Carey, who played young Alicent Hightower in the first season of “House of the Dragon,” has said that the two characters are “in love a little bit” and that their interactions “toe the line between platonic and romantic.” Her counterpart, Milly Alcock, who played a young Rhaenyra Targaryen, noted the way societal circumstances keep them separate: “These women aren’t given the privilege to know what choices they have, because of the world that they live in.”
The women of the universe of “Game of Thrones” are no strangers to sexual violence and are most often accessories to patriarchal ends. Oftentimes, the fantasy show’s violations are poorly explained away as attempts to craft a realistic mirror of historical violence. But in the case of Rhaenyra and Alicent, a “realistic” setting functions as the perfect garden in which to cultivate an allegory about the consequences of compulsory heterosexuality.
If the queens lived in a society in which they could fully explore the feelings that hang between them, would there really be any need for a world-crushing, family-savaging civil war? Wouldn’t their world be a better place if they could just fall in love?
Queer people have long trained ourselves to hunt for marginal subtext — longing looks, brushes of hands, impotent anger — when overt queer narratives are absent. The subtext in “House of the Dragon” is not marginal. Without it, the show would be yet another unremarkable installment in a franchise that has outstayed its welcome.
#me for the last few hours: WHAT THE FUCK#rhaenicent#tv: the only tv show about a crown that matters
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JJK OLYMPICS OHHH YOURE A GENIUS
head spinning w sooooooo many athlete aus rn…..
satoru honestly isn’t half as cocky as the media makes him out to be but he could be because you bring up world champion men’s freestyle swim times and it’s his name on the scoreboard ten times before someone else shows up. he’s faster than himself by fifteen seconds all around, he’s earned a bit of cockiness. mentioned in the last post that whenever he’s at a competition and he finishes a race, he looks at the camera and signs a little infinity sign and then blows a kiss to you. some bitter old coach always calls him out on it, and gets him fined for unsportsmanlike conduct, and he’s happy to pay the fees if it means getting a message home to you, but eventually you two come up with a new code; and at his next race, he places gold, turns to the camera, crosses his middle finger over his pointer finger and smiles. when he’s in his post-race interview, he makes sure to explain that he does it for you with the widest smile on his face.
megumi nepotism baby but not in the same sport. toji was a multi gold medalist back in his heyday for shooting, so it’s not really a surprise to anybody that megumi has scary good aim, but he takes to archery instead of shooting. actually the idea of megumi being an emo little kid and throwing rocks at a tree when his dad pissed him off his hilarious, and even funnier is toji watching him, slightly amused and a little scared because megumi is maybe six and hitting the exact same spot every single time. he grows to be very blase about it—it’s more of a release/hobby for him that he happens to be really good at, and well, now good enough to earn a few olympic medals. megumi is not a fan of having his dad ruffle his hair on international television after he’s won, but he supposes it can’t be helped.
i don’t know where to put yuuta…. tennis…. tempting….. him in his little white shorts…. little grunts after he serves…. cries….. a complete 180 in his personality when he’s playing vs doing anything else. so charming and sweet and kinda shy when he’s being interviewed, and the second he steps on the court his eyes are so cold it’s scary…. need him… extremely nerdy about his rackets, and shoes, and clothes, and rambles to you about aerodynamics and posture and torque whenever you ask him to teach you, and you always have to shutup him up with a kiss and remind him that yeah you sort of want to learn to play tennis for him, but mostly you came bc he looks hot doing it. once he got asked in an interview if he ever thinks about you while he’s playing and his response was very concise, “no, never. it would be a big distraction,” and did not realize the implications of his heavily televised words.
also…. not to make this post 40% yuuta but we could pull from canon a bit and make his sport fencing. he doesn’t excel because he’s the strongest, it’s because he’s learned to treat the sword as an extension of himself and a good strategist… also because i like the image of him pulling the helmet/mask off and shaking his hair out………..
don’t even know where to put yuuji…. volleyball? basketball? track and field??? the irony of him easily being the most athletic but canonically does not want to play sports 😭 but i can see him playing a sport because someone scouts him and it turns out to be a way to make steady money to support himself and his grandpa :( by the time he’s qualified and made it to the olympics, wasuke is doing much better (thanks to yuuji having landed some preemptive sponsorships and being able to afford better medical care), but not so well enough that he can travel across the world to watch yuuji play. wasuke tells you that you should travel and be with yuuji, but yuuji is so touched by the idea that you would stay with his grandpa and be by his side when he’s away :(( he wins gold, of course, and he doesn’t even wait until the closing ceremony—which, he’d mentioned in all of his interviews, so nobody can be too upset. he’s on record saying, “i’m excited to play, but i’m even happier to be going home. my girlfriend and my grandpa are watching me and i miss them!” several times— he’s on the first flight home with flowers, and tears in his eyes. puts his gold medal on his grandpa’s neck as a thank you, and spends probably thirty minutes straight hugging you and kissing you and honestly don’t put it past him to propose now that he’s got nike ambassador money
nanami started judo as a way to relieve the stress of his overbearing job, and someone at the gym/training center notices he seems to be a natural despite being a beginner. he starts to draw a crowd, which annoys him at first because the point of judo was discipline and release from having to deal with too many people at his office job, but nanami supposes he can’t be too mad when you introduce yourself as a talent scout and offer him professional training. there’s irony in him accepting your offer, because it was definitely not based in professionalism at all… quitting his job as a salaryman to become a professional athlete in his mid-twenties was not on his bingo chart, but if it means he will have met you, then so be it. you’re with him all the way, through his training, competitions, world championships, qualifiers, all the way until he’s on the podium. you’re the first to congratulate him, but he interjects by telling you he’s quitting. you ask him why—he just won at the olympics for crying out loud, but nanami just shakes his head, puts down his flowers and his medal so his hands are free to hold your face and tell you, “it would be unethical to kiss my manager, so i am quitting.” (later, when everything is said and done, and you two are cuddling, you mention to him that he could just hire a new manager, and not quit his new career, to which he blushes because yeah… that’s probably more rational, but rational was not in his train of thought at the time)
#anonymous#nanami kento.......................................... god#also yuuji :((((( just a kid who wanted to do something nice for his grandpa I will CRY#immediate proposal when he gets home to you who does he think he is? yuuta?#speaking of yuuta he's like the best player his age and he's always asked to attend events or parties or whatever#and he's always like ah no thank you I am going home to my girlfriend#every fucking interview it's like yeah I love tennis but I love my girlfriend more for supporting and encouraging me#my girlfriend my girlfriend my girlfriend#one day he actually seems Excited to be doing his press conference and a journalist picks up on it to which yuuta happily raises his hand#and lets everyone know that he's now engaged. and very very grateful for his wife#he does the same shit a few years later like randomly during a press conference he's like#'I am kinda nervous. my baby didn't sleep well last night so I was up with him pretty late' and everyone's like BABY?#and yuutas like yeah! he's almost 14 months now do u wanna see him!#let me stop bringing kids into this bc w/ satoru and kento I could go on for hours....#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen fluff#jujutsu kaisen smut#gojo x reader#gojo smut#yuuta x reader#yuuji x reader#megumi x reader#nanami kento x reader#once u asked megumi what he thinks about when he's practicing and he's so deadpan as he reloads and arrow#and right before he lets it go he's like 'ur ex boyfriend' and then hits the target dead in the center LMFAO#olympics au
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Do I find Damian incredible annoying? Yes Will I fight every single motherfucker who resumes his entire character to violent and 'bad'? Also Yes.
#I don't know how many times I'm going to repeat myself but this is a goddamn child soldier getting repeatedly traumatize#in a family that has so many chaos that he always feels the need to prove himself in the terms he was taught#i didn't give a fuck what Damian does thats the responsibility of his father until he actually becomes responsible to his actions#and dc comics literally bought him out of nowhere just to shit on him and then repeatedly try to get rid of him for no fucking reason#Damian goin off as a way of getting Batman emotional damage it's actually very stupid dc you tried the same shit with jason in this last#ten years and not even then anybody liked#few things makes me more unreasonable piss off than batman letting his kids get away from him and then act like they don't need him#he did te same shit with dick but at least dick had the titans#this whole shit with Damian is making me read with my eyes while my hands are dialing the cps#Batman come get your fucking children your useless middle age man#bruce hate hours#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne
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All it takes is a wee little nightmare to make you too scared to step foot outside for fear of Bad Things happening, like it’s an omen lol
#also it is p o u r i n g outside and it takes me an hour and fifteen minutes to commute to campus#i'm a good little student but sometimes i just can't be assed#esp with all the crazy stuff that's been happening on public transit and on my campus for that matter#i'm just getting a bad vibe today [insert empath meme here]#warning for me complaining about a graphic nightmare!!!!:#had a few stress dreams(?) last night but one particularly violent one in which a woman got run over by a streetcar--#--and the paramedics were moving people along but i accidentally got a really good look at her and it fucked me up#she looked like she was just sleeping peacefully but i could only really make out the top half of her body#probably because the bottom half was... yeah.#i think i also had another dream that i was being hunted by a sniper?? and they had called my cell and were threatening me + my folks?#and another one where i had to hide some children from... i don't really know what. some dangerous person who wanted to kill all of us#but the kids wouldn't leave me even though i begged them to.#yeah just a normal collection of dreams for me. literally ugh.#i don't even think i'm stressed in my life rn??#not any more than normal lol
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this is it. this is the ship dynamic
#my art#one piece#scratchmen apoo#x drake#i spent the last few hours of my night drawing this instead of other things cuz they were making me angry#wish i could draw faster digitally tbh#what you dont see in drakes hand his is quad sided axe/mace that is completely fucking covered by apoo#so i wasted my time drawing how the arm would go and the hand and the weapon only for apoos ass to cover it up anyway
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the thing that fucks me up about zosopp is that while Zoro gets more serious and jokes around less as the series goes on, Usopp is still a little jokester. He still tells stories and plays with Luffy and Chopper- he knows when to get serious, but he also knows when to have fun.
And I bet it eats him up inside, seeing the man he loves slowly lock that part of himself away for the sake of being a strong and unwavering presence for the crew. How Zoro is constantly burdened with thoughts of how to keep the crew alive- how to best train to keep his crew alive. How he doesn't leave room for much else.
He makes room for Usopp though. For their crew- their family. And Usopp vows (hopes) to force him to make room for fun, too.
#one piece#roronoa zoro#usopp#zosopp#nemotime#just. its the funny guy x serious guy ship i cant NOT think about this#especially Post-Timeskip my god Zoro needs a good bellyaching laugh#quiet moments together has Usopp quote unquote 'trying out new jokes on Zoro' which is TECHNICALLY true#but he's not testing them out he's just trying to make Zoro laugh and loosen up more#the opposite side of this is Zoro trying to slow Usopp down with naps and also get him to focus more on the now rather than the what-ifs#they're both hypocrites but they're also really sweet#man that one zosopp anon really got me on a kick the last few hours#tbh this could be platonic too; seeing one of your best buddies like that would fuck anyone up
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My brain, stirring all my interests around like peeps in a chili pot:
#sorry I just thought about wan shi tong and his extendable neck and my brain went HOOTY!#also I’m dying bc I still have not emotionally recovered from King’s Tide holy FUCK#and I know that since Thanks to Them is going to be so much WORSE I’m not ANYWHERE near ready for that shit#so my brain is rotating around in hyperfixation hell like a rotisserie pig currently#can’t engage with fandom bc I want to avoid any MORE spoilers#but I know I also have to watch it before the next ep drops so I can actually be caught up for a few days hueeeghhh#and briefly engage with fandom and fics and shit bc OHH MAN DO I WANT TO#also I unabashedly LOVE Hooty y’all#maybe it’s just bc Lilith and I are so similar but#he’s the funniest character in the show and so so sweet and loveable - theyre so mean to him and for what?#it’s hooty appreciation hours#atla#toh#peeps in the chili pot#hooty the owl#wan shi tong#avatar the last airbender#the library#the owl house#edits by me
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#for context. a few weeks back i was playing on a fast respawn 2fort server#mostly because i just wanted to just. hang out somewhere without any real serious gameplay happening#that said. for the first few hours i was playing on there. was mostly playing gunslinger engineer and detonator pyro#and we had a good push up into their base but were stuck just at the entrance. with a heavy hold from the enemy team#but after a while. i just kinda got bored and wanted to just fuck about with the taunts and loadouts i had#first thing i did was play pyro and do the cheers taunt before getting on my bike and swerving a bunch as i drove#but i dont think anyone could tell thats what i was doing#so after a bit i just changed to scout. and started just riding my skateboard#(i also did the drinking and riding bit a few times but i eventually just ended up skateboarding around)#(one bit being me on the top of the bridge. doing the cheers taunt. getting on my board. and then skating off the bridge and killbinding)#so at some point. i kept getting stuck in place for some reason. like speficially on bumpy ground or... in the air#and the moment i got stuck in the air (for 30+ seconds mind you) i was just like ''my quantum board technique''#and from there. i just acted as if i was playing the newest Pro Skater game#saying stuff like ''i have to do manual ollie combo for 150000000 points''#or like ''i have to find grindrails on this level''#eventually found my way into the sewers and said something like ''IVE FOUND THE HALF PIPES''#before saying like ''man they really screwed up the physics since the last game''#a soldier on the other team was trying to find me the whole time saying ''wheres tony hawk''#specifically because he had a tony hawk avatar. and i only realized after he said something about it#anyway. after all that i skateboarded into a minisentry and died#and my last message was supposed to be ''my combo has ended'' but i ended up typing 'bombo'#and it made me laugh SO hard i couldnt backspace. and added on with ''my sweet bombo''#and then i left because i had nothing more to do there. my bombo had ended and i had to move on.
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i don't get very personal on this blog because vulnerability is tricky and being vulnerable on the internet is infinitely trickier, and also this is a dan and phil blog, so this obviously hasn't come up but i've been having life realizations that have explained my affinity towards phanfictions that talk about chronic pain. i'm going to link three i like:
broken porcelain (put me back together baby) by tarredion
flares (and assorted series fics) by huphilpuffs (unfinished but all time favorite)
must have been the wind by dvp_95
but also like. dunno. this is a post for another day but... i really do appreciate how candidly dan and phil talk about their physical health. i'm not chronically ill (though that's maybe in question rn) nor do i have the specific experiences they do, but their openness about their physical health-- even if it might be societally "taboo"-- is so important for so many people and i'm realizing rapidly that i'm one of those people it has impacted so much. when i think about it i feel less like... scared, about falling in love someday while carrying all my own bullshit with physical health issues, because i see how the two of them support each other through their experiences.
all of the above fics are alternate universes -- the first and last i believe just refer to unspecified chronic pain (i might be wrong i haven't reread them in the last weeks or so) but the middle one is specifically about fibromalaygia-- but still, i dunno. dan and phil as creators but also fic writers have really affected me in a way that i think is like... going to do a lot of good. okay that's my midnight talk thanks. <3
#astra.txt#dan and phil#phan#i guess i'll maintag. why not#it's been a weird few weeks with my physical health and i think one of the main things that led me to my realizations are these fics#i found flares because i read the first fic so many fucking times that i decided to just cave and check the chronic pain tag#and even though the fic was unfinished (usually a dealbreaker) i gave it a try and spent a couple hours reading#and like... i didn't understand why it was getting me so badly. i like many folks love hurt/comfort so i figured it was just that#but it was hitting me in a way very few other pieces could it was genuinely like. i was consumed by it for a while i still kind of am#and it's obviously just a good piece of writing the prose is great the story is great but i didn't understand why it specifically-#-and same with the first fic because i really didn't understand why THAT one of all hurt/comfort fics was like. a no-skip read.#if i saw it i had to read it and i just couldn't piece together what about those two made them so vital#and then i stopped being an idiot and was like it's because of the chronic pain plotlines. but why would that get me? i don't have that.#... and then the last couple weeks have happened and let's just say i'm figuring a lot out! about myself.#anyway. weird little vulnerability. thank u dan and phil
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Does anyone have any happy things right now??
Feeling like shit- I need a boost😭😭
#did some dumb things that fucked my mental health further#I totally didn’t spend the last few hours crying#what do you mean my eyes are swollen from crying?? no they’re not stfu#I wanna get a puppy - that’s random but I do#send help#and happy things#tag me please#chaotic thoughts#choascore#self deprecating humor#i’m jealous of people who aren’t depressed at#depression#anxiety#sh#i’m so done with being mentally ill#mentally fucked
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Idea! Make your Whumpee sick, and then make them completely unable to sleep <3
Give them a murdering headache, fever, chills, pain everywhere, and then take away their ability to sleep it all off. They close their eyes, hope so desperately to make time go faster, but when they open their eyes again, barely 10 minutes have passed.
#whump#whump prompt#illness whump#today’s prompt is inspired by me#I don’t Know what the fuck my body is doing but I haven’t slept since yesterday morning#only a few times did I manage to like. dog off or space out for twenty minutes or so#I also got this fun 39.5 fever and it’s giving me extra fun dreams#I was straightup sobbing for most of last night because I constantly felt like there were evil little robots around me#that would zap me with electricity if I stopped moving or working or whatever#I’m also so fucking nauseous oh my god#the legit only thing I can drink when I’m sick is warm water with lemon juice. no sweet tea with honey. no water. no broth#only lemon juice water#how is it only 3 pm I feel like this day has been going on for 75837 hours already#irl whump#lol oops#also to the people that recommended putting damp cool cloths on your thighs or wherever during a fever#pain of a million punches drives through me if I so much as touch something cold#I accidentally brushed my shoulder against my charging cable and ahahaha no#yeah anyway
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Bleh
#I gotta rant n I don’t really have a place but here lol#but man is my past relationship weighing heavy on me today#(caveat of pls don’t be weird and make this his problem)#but I still just feel so lost over it#like obviously breaking up with no ill will is the ideal situation#but being forced to confront that someone you spent so much of your life growing with#can just decide they don’t like you like that anymore#like there was distance for a while before the breakup#that I don’t hold against him at all#but reflecting on the first several years of our relationship compared to the last 6months or so#feels like night and day#like you can go from someone being obsessed with you and you obsessed with them#enjoying all the parts of growing into adults together#to just feeling so unwanted bc the reality is they stopped wanting you a while ago#like going from telling friends my only holdup on polyamory was that I didn’t know if I could love another person as much as them#to having to bring to their attention that it wasn’t okay that I came to their family’s house n all he said was hi to me for the first hour#and then confronting that you didn’t do anything wrong#that shit just happens sometimes and neither of you knew how to navigate it#and fuck it makes me so scared for future relationships#because how can you not be scared when you can lose such intense love as the result of a few years passing#I almost wish it had been something I did :/#bc at least then I knew what to work on and mitigate going forward#but I can’t stop people just..#not liking me anymore
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i want to crawl under my desk and go to sleep
#that is not possible because i cannot fit under there#damn it#i want a nest man#somewhere nice and cozy and just for me where i can stare at the wall for hours#that sounds.. good#btw i'm really tired of not being a pretty boy like what the fuck#lol the mental illness really shining through tonight#but i opened pinterest and almost burst into tears because there was a pretty guy and i am not him#sigh i guess i have to be this horrible thing until i die#unfair really#i need to be medicated i think it would help#i just haven't felt great the last few days#wait. couple of weeks?#i can't remember.#but i don't feel like me.#at least i have my stupid otome soundtrack to keep me company sing at me pretty anime boys.#lol watch me delete this in 9 minutes or smth#unless i forget#idk i just wanted to vent i guess don't read this shit#i'm happy nice aerie really. just not right now#god it's only 7:45#at least my hair is clean i guess#sigh#diaerie#delete later
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fuck me.. work tonight was so draining like i suddenly remember why i moved into admin a few years ago now. let me never complain about my job again
#covering youth sessions ages me ten years every time#these 16something lads will continually condescend to me but i’m nothing if not sarcastic and stubborn - i WILL get that apology from them#lmaoooo#im exhausted but it wasn’t half bad overall tbh im just out of practice for youth work#it’s been years but the groups i used to have when i started were so much ‘worse’ behaved than these lot#they were just rowdy and hungry and petty#which yeah checks out 100000% for teen boys#stelle yaps#the group i’ve had for the last few years as i’ve gone into admin were so easy in that they were polite and mature - but the other#issues i was helping them with regarding da and healthy relationships#we’re not so easy but still it’s a totally different kettle of fish to what tonight was like#fucking food thrown all over 😭😭 like what a waste and kicking at the doors and the windows and shit#ugh anyway vent over it was fine and tomorrow im doing three hours of work before im off on holiday for a week!#also i should add it was a 12 hour work day today… like they couldn’t have picked a worse day for me 🙃
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not to be another donations post but you may remember how over the summer we had massive amounts of plumbing problems and other unexpected moving costs? well. after proceeding to work every single hour available to me for six months, take no holidays whatsoever, and budget the hell out of every aspect of my life, I was actually on track to pay everything back and maybe have a little bit of wiggle room by the time summer came around!
and then we got a call from the vet about routine labs saying that if we didn't take Suzy in to an emergency specialty hospital immediately, she would die within in a week, she might die anyways if we took her there, but it was our only chance to have a few more months with her. after an extremely difficult household discussion, we decided that we needed to do as much as we could for her. she's been a beloved member of the family for 18 years. we were not going to abandon her in her hour of need.
with two days at the specialty hospital, the prognosis was better than we could have possibly hoped! the most important thing is she does not have heart problems at all, which means that we can treat her chronic kidney disease with normal IV fluids and with careful treatment she could easily be with us for years to come. the timely intervention also may or may not have saved her from acute kidney failure too, we'll know when we go back to the vet on Wednesday to get her blood checked where her levels have stabilized at.
two days at the specialty hospital means we are also down $3652 , and no longer are on track to pay back everything by July when it comes due unless a couple of uncertain things going forward Go Right, I do not trust everything to Go Right, and we're also still uncertain about what long-term treatment going forward is going to cost.
I still have my ko-fi and my patreon, but honestly, I'm aware that everything is tight for everyone always and there are also a lot of causes that need money right now and in the face of that "hey my family went super out on a limb to try to save our cat and would love some help not falling off" feels kind of shallow. but like. not to sound dumb or like a youtuber or podcaster, but, like. honestly I think the Most Helpful Thing that anyone could do for me right now is take a fucking HelloFresh link that will send you a "free" box for cost-of-shipping ($7ish?) if you Sign Up For An Account that you can then cancel Immediately After The Box Has Shipped and Never Give Them Any More Money Than That and get Six To Ten Meals Out Of It, and for getting someone to "sign up", they will give me a free box too. like. if 13 people are willing to take a link then I don't need to worry about food for the next three months. which would be. HUGE.
so I guess.... dm me if you want a link? otherwise expect to see a lot of promotion of my writing/ patreon as I scramble the hell to try to make this money up
#my life#pet sick for tw#donation post#sort of#yes I am aware that Hello Fresh is problematique / union-busting#they are also currently the only easily accessible source of Free Food that we can actually eat/use#honestly if anyone Wants To Help but doesn't really have the $7 for shipping#I will freaking venmo you back the $7 after I get confirmation of account credit#sending someone $7 for $60 of groceries still means you have Gifted Our Household with net $50 of food#at no cost to yourself#I'm not in As Shitty of a place as last summer bc my mother is also deeply emotionally attached to Suzy#and has agreed to spot us in July for a bit of the money if we pay her back in September#it's just!!!! really FUCKING frustrating!!!!!! we had the money saved!!!! I have spent the last six months KILLING myself to have the money#and now we are back to nearly square 1 except with six months instead of twelve months to make up the difference#so. free food would be much appreciated. as that would also mean that no matter what bullshit the next few months throws at us we at least#know that there will be weekly groceries shipped to us#me @ my job give me overtime hours#legit might destroy me again to work a 240hr month a month or two in a row#but three months of THAT would put me in the clear and they've got free coffee and energy drinks at work#however in lieu of my job giving me the ability to Not Practice The Best Self Care in return for Ungodly Amounts Of Money#'hi friends and mutuals can I interest you in a HelloFresh box' is the best I can do#I swear I will never start a youtube channel or start podcasting tho
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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