#me complaining about a problem i made for myself
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my fucking hands
#tbd.#I FORGOT HOW MUCH I HATE TWEAKING ICON COLORINGS AND SAVING THEM OVER AGAIN#me complaining about a problem i made for myself
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I'm feeling really cranky tonight and I don't know why. Like yes the things I'm being cranky about are making me cranky but usually they don't annoy me so much?
#like yes my new original f/f piece went essentially ignored but I expect that#yes someone 'helpfully' explained sth I already knew on an OTNF post but I expect that#I just had a nice day with my mom and made a huge step with my regency ttrpg I should be feeling good#is it just because it's sunday night?#admittedly point one is a slightly sorer thing than usual because there was another otnf anon complaining about lack of f/f etc#and I was like jfc if you spent the energy of writing those ten paragraphs on supporting f/f writers maybe there would be more f/f#and that is essentially the problem#nothing I write will ever be as compelling to a lot of people as complaining about the lack of f/f and the bias toward m/m#and that obviously makes me feel very insecure about my prospects as a writer#okay! it's after ten I should not be trying to think analytically about myself#it me
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment#wow#i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying#if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time#and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted#so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself#because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to#go in myself either way was way worse to me#because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to#''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever#and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in#and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed#although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous#but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this#that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...
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Why the fuck did I skip a Quireboys show near me because I had a date with my then boyfriend which I thought could have saved the relationship
#i'm not in my bitter about the ex era anymore dw but i'm listening to my quireboys vinyl rn and god whyyyyy#they were literally playing at the club where i go for all my concerts and i already loved them back then but nooo#i wasn't even sick or otherwise unable to go he just complained about shit that annoyed him about me and told me to work on a few days prior#so i made a fucking plan what i can do better and asked him for an emergency date which he didn't gaf about lmfao#the moment i hung up i regretted missing out on that gig so much ughhh#the next week he dumped my ass so you see it was useless and i should have said 'ok your problem fuck you i'm seeing the quireboys bye'#he also didn't like me going to concerts and having fun and hanging out with the bands lmao can you imagine 💀#like at least the ones i met were mostly out of my league and were from abroad while the ones he hung out with were locals and in his league#he even thirsted over them and told me about his wet dreams about them?? what the fuck??#at least i lied to his face and said i wasn't interested in flirting back when one of them hit on me and i love him etc etc#i was very interested but thought i had to stay loyal tho i shouldn't have. he also genuinely thought smoking with them was cheating????#like be fr i was standing in that crowd and thinking about hooking up with one of them but restrained myself for you asshat#ok this did turn into a lowkey hater post but i just need to milk some of my issues that stem from this relationship for literary purposes#not even my attempts to manipulate him helped 🙄 codependency paired with mental illnesses and addiction sucks#mel talks
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Just rest and take care se will wait because the art is not important what it matters is the artist just close the ask box if you want to and relax and take care of yourself that if you were in your world with your Bendy's I bet they will be worried about you
(( it is so tempting to just hiatus right here and now, but i will see how far i can go. the goal is the end of the arc
unfortunately i don't know if i could finish this thing before halloween, which is what i wanted to do
maybe if i just hurry even faster through this thing ))
#mun#ask#nanon#metzonall1#(( my problem is doing way too much for something so trivial#i made this blog for ME so if even I am not too interested in whatever's going on then what's the point?#ahh whatever i am just gonna stop complaining about something i did to myself ))
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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Actually could people stop being elitist and negative in the tags my block list is getting bloated by this point
#speculation nation#not actually of course. i can and will block as many people as it takes for me to have peace.#but it is immensely annoying to keep seeing people complaining about new fans or whatever in the tags.#like man if ur criticizing actual problems in fandom that's different. bc it comes from a constructive angle.#but if ur just here to put down anyone else's harmless headcanons or what theyre doing with their works??#like fuck dude you dont have to agree with it but what crawled up your ass and made you think you had to imply these fans are delusional?#god at this point this is a vague post. obviously not at anyone who follows me. i blocked this person anyways.#muttering @ myself I Do Not Get Into Fandom Drama to make sure i dont start a fight over this or something#im just. UGH!!!!!! youre just being an asshole man!!!!! whats your PROBLEM!!!!!!!
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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself
#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy#a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE#i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing#and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think#that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it#because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick#i feel underconfident in writing any of them#and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first#started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min#but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast#in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore#and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new#themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter#if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life#and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep#all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters#most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head#and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously#so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use#it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD#to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely#adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12#they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot#if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright#i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't#and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri#and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300#i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot
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still feeling bad even after food and a couple hours of sleep. how mean
#one of these days the yearning for an understanding person to come home to at the end of a day will end me#until then i will probably have to complain about my stupid suffering#why must humans be a social species and why must i crave things i cannot have lol#why must i be stuck living with people i cannot ever trust again. want to be around people i like and who i can be vulnerable with#tbh if i still was as whiny in real life as i am on here most days i'd only get to hear 'shut up' and 'tough luck. man up'#and that is Not It. would only make me feel worse. so i keep quiet and keep to myself#which does not solve my original problem at all#maybe one day. maybe one day i can just be a beloved pet that doesn't get scolded or belittled for seeking comfort#that one thing my parents said to me 15 years ago still haunts me#'only people who deserve it get hugs' which was used to deny me comfort/affection. because apparently i am not worthy/deserving 👍#i was 13 going through the most vile shit at school but bc it affected me negatively and my parents didn't like me at my mentally illest#they just straight up denied me any type of comfort or support. took away my belongings. made me stay in my room for months on end#as corrective punishment. but none of it made me better. just made me worse. idk idk idk#all the shit they put me through. the emotional and physical punishments. the beatings borne from frustration#and still some part of me wants to seek comfort from them. BUT I SHOULDN'T. they broke my trust and my heart and soul so many times#it'd be straight up suicide to open up and be vulnerable with them again... lole running chest first into a wall of knives. no.#sorry. really in it tonight. gonna try to be more normal tomorrow
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i won’t apologize for being a hater. seeing comments on chappell roans posts about being too hypersexual and needing to dial it down (mmm dial what down. say it very explicitly to me. what is making you uncomfortable in your own very clear words) and directly contrasting it with renee rapp just made me not like that girl even more i’m sorry! maybe she should try not being an annoying blonde bi girl who only seems to hang out with other blonde bi girls making mediocre pop. whoops
#is my opinion on her subject to change sure maybe and if you like her by all means don’t let me being mean take that away from you#but that was just. the quiet part out loud. renee is accessible and still not so visibly overtly queer but enough to be like#Tehe girls are sooo pretty#and um cater to that sort of crowd. chappell you have to love and celebrate and embrace queerness wholeheartedly#it’s making me sooooo mad like chappells music is so representative of the fun flirty ways EYE like to express myself#and has made me feel comfortable in that literal sexuality part of my sexuality. and ur gonna sit here and put her down in favor of…#i can’t like i can’t i’m sorry i want to watch that show and you know how much i want to support women and queer women specifically#so yeah again i’d keep my mouth shut in the general public but that fucking brand of sapphic queer Will Not Say The Word Lesbian vibe of#person. i can’t stand you.#you are a traitor to dykes everywhere and you need to do a lot of work. not saying that’s all her fans but WHATEVER i’m not qualifying my#stupid complaining right now it’s my blog#abby talks#this is giving smith college problem and i accept that#and general blanket apology for comparing two queer things when u know there r so many more serious issues in the world#however i’m here to complain about whatever the hell is annoying me. so.
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reading my drafts like damn this is so good i should really finish it and post it as i am actively closing the window
#this blogs drafted posts#the fanfics i have been working on for literal years#you name it#brain is convinced they are the best things i have ever made but REFUSES to work on them smh#i reread my in progress fics all the time because i like them so much and STILL take zero action#like id have to relook at some of my published stuff but im fairly certain that at LEAST my top three of my own fics are unfinished#just rotting away in my drafts smh#can always tell how much i like one of them by how many different versions i have saved#or if they have outlines#i’ll outline for eight years before i write three words#have a bsd fic that has been like 500 words away from being finished for half a year that bothers me every day#and im still NOT working on it#i know this is a common problem and lots of people struggle with it but GOD i really do feel dumb about it lol#like babe just sit down and finish the things if you want them done so badly#i was rereading a few of my wips this week to try and spur myself into writing but just ended up annoying myself lol#and then i nearly doubled the drafts i have for this blog with half written posts#so i just had to complain about myself for a hot minute don’t mind me rip
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#one problem that's got me right now; aside from my stomach audibly churning wanting something more; is no one listens#people try to listen; and people think they listen; but they don't actually listen#there's always advice to be given; there's always their own perspective to be imposed on things#and everyone means well; everyone's real damn caring you know? that's part of why I don't just say this shit#but no one actually listens#...why is it that so often when I listen to people they're like 'Exactly!'; but when people listen to me it's like... you didn't hear me?#am I just pickier? or when I listen is it that I go broader strokes and avoid advice?#I'll often take a shot in the dark just based on looking inward and seeing how I'd be feeling in that situation#and... and this isn't a brag or something; but I can't remember the last time someone didn't feel validated by it#(which must be blindness on my part; I must have missed the times I made people feel more alone)#(I certainly don't always even manage to find something worthwhile to say; but when I do people seem validated)#but that's me turning inwards and just presenting how the situation makes me feel; and that making people feel seen#(like once again; not fucking bragging; but people will act like I saw right through them)#(when I was just tossing out something that I was only like 70% sure of and felt probably insulting or something)#but then I complain that people impose their own perspectives when talking to me... when me doing that seems to be what works#so why the fuck is that? is it that I more use myself as a thing to look at to relate to them while not really giving advice?#is my real complaint more like 'no one seems able to listen without trying to offer advice'?#also like... no one seems able to like... fucking trust me; or think for a second I might have lived this shit (possibly longer than them)#like... in a non emotional example:#once was talking about how I gotta heat my room with an electric radiator and the person starts telling me about how I gotta do it#like '3 ft away from any object' type advice and it's like...#I've been doing this for like 4 years; radiator sits about 6-8 inches from my bed and the cat spot; wood never gets more warm than sunlight#like I'm no fucking guru on it; but please don't treat me like and idiot you need to teach when you haven't actually used this stuff#why the hell can't anyone trust me? I got myself a fucking house; you know? why is it always always always advice#I'll talk about a situation; be doing more or less all anyone can do; all you have to say is 'yeah fuck that asshole'#no no; advice on what I need to tell someone about how to deal with that asshole that's not as nuanced as what I'm already doing#you share your biggest fears and just get fucking advice that won't work on how you can fix them#...kinda makes me want to blow my brains out as much as the hunger does right now#wish someone would mimic me on this; cause I seem to know what I'm doing#'gee sorry to hear that; that sort of thing is hard to deal with; you're doing a good job getting through it'
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Crazy to me how humans have literally made life so difficult for ourselves for no reason at all. Like why do we have to pay for water monthly when it literally falls from the sky? Why is a super simple one bed, one bath “house” (cheaply made of course) easily between $250k-$400k and someone would have to pay a high monthly payment with a 20% interest rate to have it? Why did we choose these numbers? When did we make prices for food so high, create mortgages, student loans, and car payments? Who created interest rates? Why does my entire future depend on a credit score? A number we ourselves made up. Why did we go the extra mile and decide to tax ourselves? For what purpose? When did we decide that we need to have a certain level of education to succeed and if you don’t have it you are obviously a failure at life. When did we say “yes, this seems good, I want to pay astronomical amounts of money for literally everything and make everything as stressful as possible for no reason at all?” Why do I owe money for having money (taxes)? Why can’t I pay for stuff with rocks? That cat I see sleeping in a warm beam of sunlight (and living a happier life than I) doesn’t have a credit score, it doesn’t have to pay extreme amounts of money for a home, it doesn’t have to pay for water that falls from the sky, it doesn’t have to worry about interest rates, it doesn’t know what the Pythagorean theorem is, it doesn’t have a car payment, a set of tires doesn’t cost it easily $1,000 in one go, it didn’t make applying for a home or a car an exhausting endeavor, it doesn’t have to work 40+ hours a week working on stuff that we made up all for a check that doesn’t even reasonably cover any expenses (that once again we forced on ourselves). So why are we?? Why can’t we help ourselves out and make rent $10 a month? Why can’t a good credit score be a 10 instead of 700-800? Why can’t a mansion be $10,000 instead of a million? Let’s make grocery shopping easier by trading cool rocks and pieces of clay pottery and buttons and other neat things for food. What’s stopping us from doing that? Why did we create the most complicated system? “The entire system would collapse, there would be anarchy, everything would shut down, society would explode!!!” Why?? Over numbers and problems we made up ourselves? It’s all made up!! Why did we make it so hard? We could have made things so easy and have a perfectly workable society. We could have the most bonkers system and could all be schooling life right now if we paid for stuff with pretty things we find in abundance and made houses cost like one pretty vase and a loaf of bread you bought with your cool acorn stash and made cars only cost a packet of tomato seeds with no interest rates in sight, didn’t make the production of goods and supplies so expensive, and if we simply didn’t tax ourselves, and if education/the school system was literally just learning all sorts of things that could help you live a happy, self sufficent, simple, productive life the way you want to live it (if you want to learn about history, languages, how to work on cars, or build robots, or cooking, or music, making pottery, or conducting science experiments, learning about medicine, or playing sports or whatever you could do so) and it wouldn’t cost you your first born child, and if we didn’t have mind numbing jobs trapped in windowless buildings doing things that shouldn’t actually matter or exist but we made them so. Why did we make it so hard??
#I had to get a new car bc the one I had for only 6 years and was relatively new went I got died on me this year#I got another car#like 4 months later the battery in it died so I had to spend almost $300 for it#I have a car payment now when I didn’t with my other car that I was so proud of myself for buying outright all by myself bc I saved & saved#I shouldn’t have had to save that much in the first place#why can’t cars cost a pretty painting you made?#or cost 10 neat rocks a packet of flower seeds and 2 books?#my phone quit on me about a month ago so there goes $300 dollars#my car insurance cost $600 this month#my car already has two nearly bald tires#gonna have to pay almost $500 for two of them#I mean it never ends!#and for what?#why is it so hard and expensive??#why didn’t we make a society that could run in $10.00 houses and pretty rocks for household goods#and not base our lives on a random number we made up#every other animal in the whole kingdom must be laughing at us for being so stupid#I’m just complaining (as per usual)#I’m tired of all my money disappearing the second I get it because literally everything is so expensive#it’s one problem after another! I’m tired!#let’s just suddenly announce all houses are $100.00#but Chief all of society would collapse?!#no it wouldn’t because I say it wouldn’t bc this is all *make believe*#life as we know it is just a game and everbodies losing because a select few keep changing the rules
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the whole “treat others how you want to be treated” line sounds so easy, but i am finding things immensely complicated by the fact that, in truth, there are many people who do NOT want to be treated the way i want to be treated and will take offense if i try
#personal post#i do not like to have my routines disrupted. so i try to impose on my hosts as little as possible during their day-to-day lives.#i feel uncomfortable when strangers are emotional in my presence. so i stay in my room when i’m upset.#i wouldn’t like to feel obligated to entertain a guest 24/7.#so i try to entertain myself when my host hasn’t made it clear that they have the time.#all these things i do bc they strike me as polite and considerate#but i’m pretty sure all it’s done is earn me a reputation as a cold distant bitch to all my brother’s friends#(or at least his gf and her mom who actually complained about me to him)#(or rather his gf’s mom complained to his gf who complained to him)#i think part of the problem is that my brother and his friends are all highly extroverted and i am highly. not.#so i’m trying to give them space and privacy like i would an introvert friend but they see this as me acting ‘too good for them’ or smthg#it just exhausts me tho bc apparently his gf told him that she doesn’t want her family ‘getting hurt by what they don’t understand’#and it’s like geez am i really so alien to y’all that you can’t even understand me?#and am i really so incomprehensible as to be threatening?#never heard that from any of my other friends though like attracts like i suppose#when left to my own devices i’m more likely to befriend people who think and feel the way i do#whereas now i’m obligated to befriend my brother’s friends. who likely think and feel differently than i do.#funny thing is: i thought we all got along great until my brother told me otherwise!#but eh. guess i gotta practice imposing more and springing more surprise social situations on unsuspecting hosts.#some people are into that i hear
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#i need to rant so I’m going to do it in the tags#I went on spring break with a friend I made this past fall when I transferred to my current university#and we have known each other for quite a few months before we planned it and I thought it would be fun#but during the trip she was really mean to me#like making fun of me for anything being passive aggressive and just making me walk on egg shells the entire week#by the end I was gaslighting myself and just overall felt terrible#I saw her the week after we got back to get a purse I let her borrow but after that I did not see her at all#and she hasn't reached out to me#which is so weird bc before the trip we would hang out almost every day or every other day getting lunch together all the time etc#but I don't want to reach out to her at all but also im annoyed she isn't reaching out to me like I wasn't the one who was horrible#and the worst part is after the trip she was super nice again like right as we got off the train#and it is very clear she thinks everything is fine and nothing is wrong. that is to say she thinks what she did to me was not a problem#and it is so hard to be friends with her because how tf am I even supposed to be okay with her#but now I feel so lonely bc with my other friends I dont see them as much as I saw her so now I feel so alone and lonely#and I dont want to complain about this to my friend bc she heard enough about it already#but now I feel like im starting over bc I only have more casual friends now :((#ugh I feel like shit but it really annoys me that she isn't reaching out. I dont even want to see her I just want to be like#no I cant see you blah blah blah#yes that is childish no I do not care! bye
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