#me (delusional): ive connected them-

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

@real-oddity YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND ok before i wordspill, keep in mind that this is all pure assumption and speculation cobbled together from looking at the map and tidbits i hope i'm remembering correctly. take all of it with a Hefty grain of salt

so.

i think that Julie's character arc might be about societal norms, the pressure of expectation, and how those conflict with the self. because i think the puppet show intended for her to be Wally's love interest - but that's not what either her or Wally want.

STAY WITH ME I HAVE EVIDENCE. first, lets look at Julie's house:

all of the blatant heart decoration, from her tree to the windows to the hedges and even the welcome mat. no other building has heart imagery, and especially none this heavy handed. it just screams Love Interest to me.

like if i was designing a house for a love interest character for a children's puppet show in the show's time period, i'd go ham on it. children's shows are rarely subtle. and more often than not in shows, especially in older ones, the "main character" (in this case, Wally) always has a love interest, and that love interest is always blatant. usually the Moment they appear onscreen, the viewer goes "oh, ok, thats the love interest."

not only that, but look at the windows. to me, they look a lot like eyes - reminiscent of Home. The way the curtains fall, the placement, even the structures under the sills looks like eye-bags. Julie's house is also the only house other than Home to only have one floor, not two. and then there's the fact that she has no flowers outside her house, but she has white daisy decorations - mimicking the white daisy flowerbeds flanking Home's door.

"but why do you think that's not what she or Wally wants" so glad you asked. lets start with Wally:

for one, there's the smiley-face balloon featured in the above image, tied to the swingset. two heart-shaped balloons colored red and blue are on either sides of it. as soon as i saw the balloon, i went Oh, that looks like Wally. but when have you ever seen a smiley-face with closed eyes? when does Wally close his eyes - he loves eye contact! to me, it seems indicative of Wally ignoring or avoiding the hearts.

that, and - now this part is definitely a stretch - the trees behind Home are set up in a strange way to me. Julie's house gives the appearance of "staring" directly at Home. but the trees behind Home are hiding it from the house's view.

(also, just imo, Wally doesn't seem very romance-oriented to me. he just gives off huge aromantic vibes. i could be completely off the mark and might be proven completely wrong <3 i probably am <3)

now here's why i think Julie is also not on board with this:

one, it's interesting to me that Julie's house has a lot of heart symbolism, but her character design doesn't. Wally has hearts on the soles of his shoes, but those have been explicitly linked to Barnaby's heart-shaped paw pads.

Julie's character design and symbolism is all about flowers instead of hearts. Which ties to her being in a best-friendship with Frank, a distinctly platonic relationship.

now, an argument could be made that the show might've wanted her to be Frank's love interest, or have had a Who Will She Choose, Frank Or Wally subplot. what backs this is her being close to Frank (the platonic nature of their relationship could've been a deviation from the "script" due to our lovely fruity Frank Frankly), and the fact that outside of Wally, Frank is the only other neighbor to have a white daisy growing in his "yard". though that could just be to depict his closeness with her - like Barnaby having paint supplies outside his house despite not being a painter like his bestie.

(if you want to read a dissection of neighborhood flowers and their symbolism, here's a post all about it)

also, it just occurred to me - the only design thing she has in common with Wally is her little tie thing. it's very reminiscent of Wally's ascot. but it's also Very vaguely similar to Frank's bowtie. it just stands out - Sally doesn't have any neck accessory (that we can see), Poppy has her shawl, and everyone else has ties. im stretching again. this is a yoga post

and again, despite her house being heart-infested, nowhere in Julie's canon images (outside of the Valentine's Day cards), her character description, or pretty much anything relate to romance. she's centered around friendship and fun.

all in all, it gives the vibe of the show wanting her to be a love interest, but Julie either ignoring it or actively going against it.

obviously something like that would influence her character arc, if not be a big part of it. then - HOLD ONTO YOUR GRAIN OF SALT HERE, FELLAS, I COULD BE MISREMEMBERING - there's the thing Clown said about homophobia being a... not quite theme, im missing the word rn, but it'll be a factor. which makes sense, this is a cast of mostly queer characters from a late 1960s / early 1970s kid's show.

the obvious target for any homophobia, internalized or otherwise, would be Frank & Eddie. but they're not the only gay folks around. Julie (i believe) has been stated to be bi, Poppy is a lesbian, and i'll eat my cats if Sally isn't some flavor of gay.

so i think it's entirely possible that Julie might get in on that storytelling element. if the show wants her to be a love interest, maybe she is. she's just interested in the wrong person (looks intensely at Sally)

all in all, i think she's going to have an arc about resisting the role chosen for her and her struggling with that. and i think it's going to be a Big struggle. i think she might make some Horrible mistakes while grappling with her inner conflict bc of the intense effect expectation/pressure have on a person's mind

(which might uh. which might tie into the flower symbolism i rambled about yesterday, but that's so much of a stretch that it's practically molecular. still. im Thinking.)

[lorephobic]

im so fr i don’t think anyone in the world cares about jarry as much as i do. maybe emerald fennell but thats IT.

[becauseplot]

Idk thinking about Cellbit’s current investigation of Richarlyson’s kidnapping and how it’s,, so similar to his investigation of Felps’ kidnapping, what with the drama of the current arc.

It’s not a perfect one-to-one but once again, Cellbit is trying to infiltrate the Federation by doing tasks for them. At the same time, he is trying to investigate the disappearance of someone very close and dear to him, a member of his family. Meanwhile, (and especially now with q!pac getting the “happy treatment” from the Federation) the rest of his family is unavailable, distanced, and he’s now at odds with a lot of them. He and Forever are on awful terms, once again torn apart by a matter of Richarlyson. Again, the only person he has left who he’s close to is Roier (Richarlyson is, of course, out of the picture this time.) And because his tasks for the Federation are supposed to be kept on the down-low, a lot of the investigation is going to have to be done on his own.

The main difference is that last time, he initiated this lonesome investigation. He willfully martyred himself, he willingly isolated himself, he planed it. The situation he was in when investigating Felps was shitty, sure, but at least he felt like he had some control over the situation. He did it on his terms.

Not this time.

[nightmare8-420]

.

fuck im just so goddamn tired of hearing the same words everyday repeated in my head over and over again.

"I fuckin hate you J, i hope you know this" etc. every damn day. i just want it to shut up, or for them to just fucking say it at this point.

[scalpelsister]

.

[sunsuns-babie]

If I Get My Way {K.SUNOO x F!READER}

IN WHICH: Kim Seonwoo aka Sunoo is a Sophomore at Decelis University and has a crush on the pretty Music Education Major Y/n Marsh. Seems like a match made in heaven since he’s also a Music Education Major and has had a crush on her since Freshman year when he met her at orientation… well sort of. He’s a little delusional about her but that’s okay, right? When finally given the opportunity to get to know her and potentially date her some weird things start happening that Sunoo doesn’t quite understand… which leads to the postponement of his grand plan to confess his feelings for Y/n. At the end of the day does he get the girl or does he miss out and think of what could’ve been?

ALSO IN WHICH: Sunoo and Y/n’s friends also have their own storylines and side quest relationships happening simultaneously with theirs.

PAIRING: Kim Sunoo x !Female Reader (ft. Mystery Character 1 & Mystery Character 2)

GENRE: Non-Idol AU, College/University AU, SMAU

WARNING: Swearing, sexual jokes/comments, allusion to sexual activity, attempts at humor (I don’t think I’m funny but I’m trying), jokes about murder/killing oneself, and Danielle from NewJeans as the face claim.

FEATURING: Lee Heeseung (EN—), Jay Park (EN—), Jake Sim (EN—), Park Sunghoon (EN—), Yang Jungwon (EN—), NI-KI (EN—), Jang Wonyoung (IVE), Shin Ryujin (ITZY), Choi Yeonjun (TXT), Choi Soobin (TXT), Choi Beomgyu (TXT), Karina (aespa), NingNing (aespa), Huh Yunjin (LE SSERAFIM), Yoon Keeho (P1HARMONY), Anton Lee (riize), Hwang Yeji (ITZY), and mentions of various other idols.

status: temporarily put on hiatus

start: Feb. 12, 2024

end:

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction and is in no way a real depiction of the idols portrayed in it and has no actual connection to their real world selves. I don’t know them I’m just using their image for characters in a fictional story.

A/N: This is my first SMAU ever I’ve written stories on other platforms in the past and kind of stopped to be a reader for awhile but I recently got an idea for a story and wanted to try and make it a reality. So please forgive me if it’s bad I’ll try my best to make it enjoyable for you. But I barely know how to work Tumblr as a creator or writer so forgive me if this is all over the place 😭😭😭.

A/N 2: If you want to be added to the taglist for this SMAU you can comment on this post or which ever chapter you see first!

INCOMING MESSAGES…

PROFILES: 2 HOT 4 U LONER BOYS CLUB (ft. 2 Baddies)

01: bitch boy

02: you’re not my mom

03: DDEONU GOOD!!!

03.5: bonus chapter 1

04: we going on a date 🤪

04.5: bonus chapter 2

05: free food + written part (755 wrds)

06: blasting Olivia Rodrigo traitor

07: Love changes a man ❤️❤️

07.5: bonus chapter 3

08: keeho is a furry confirmed ✅

08.5: bonus chapter 4 [written part] (1,304 wrds)

09: KILLING MYSELF [POSTPONED]

10: tba….

10.5: bonus chapter 5

11: tba…

12: tba…

13: tba…

14: tba…

15: tba…

16: tba…

17: tba…

18: tba…

19: tba…

20: tba…

[lepetitpiastri]

soft launch ~ cl16

making my debut on f1blr with a fluffy social media au w baby boy charles,, ive been inspired lately by reading everyones aus and i really wanted to have a crack at it! i hope you guys like it 🥹💕

• <3 •

yourbestfriend happy for you both!! 💖

ynismother omg shes taken?!? 😭

sharl.lechair wait a minute,, didnt charles also post a happy anniversary post today? 🤔🤔

ynfanboy highway looking mad comfy tonight

pierregasly happy anniversary you two 😘

joris__trouche photo cred? 🤨

captaincl charles has been in a relationship this whole time?!? and weve only just found out?!??

sharl.lechair guyssss yourusername posted an anniversary thing on the same day,,,

landoslane youre reaching girl 🤨

sharl.lechair im just sayinggg 🤷‍♀️

lepetitpierre let him cook!

yourbestfriend as he should!! 😤

sharl.lechair THAT’S CHARLES’ WATCH !!!

lepetitpierre u really are onto smth here 👀

ynfanboy im glad she is happy with him, whoever he is 😪

sharl.lechair do you have time to talk about our lord and saviour, charles leclerc?

carlossainz55 is this where you guys went during my shoot?? unbelievable

sharl.lechair you know who else was in madrid recently?? THIS GUY ^^

landoslane ok wait, im listening now 😮

joris__trouche very 🥰

joris__trouche agreed 😂

sharl.lechair UM?!? THIS CONNECTS THE DOTS

lepetitpierre hey sharl.lechair pls confirm this is charles’ hair?

sharl.lechair i can 99.9% confirm this is he

lewishamilton what was she reading?

charles_leclerc she said it was L'Âme et la Vie by Carl Gustav Jung

charles_leclerc she said she’ll lend it to you in exchange for a day with roscoe

lewishamilton deal, were coming over

sharl.lechair she posted that book on her story,,, theyre not even trying to be discreet anymore 🥹

captaincl youre too powerful for them

pierregasly about time 😭

carlossainz55 tell me about it 😭😭

joris__trouche photo cred pass only bc this is cute

yourusername special s/o to the detective in our comments for the past few months ❤️

sharl.lechair oh thank god i actually wasnt delusional this whole time

charles_leclerc i love you ❤️

yourbestfriend about time x2

liked by pierregasly

landoslane hey sharl.lechair how does it feel, to have been right all along?

sharl.lechair i feel free. my work here is done.

[theoldoor]

ok tell the doctors/professors mr Aventurine of Stratagems

the more i draw and develop fenrir the more i get detached to him as a creator

to me he’s an npc that was canon and appeared once and no one cared about like that one ipc guy with argenti and i am so in love with them i need to be put down, theyre every tropes their is, angst or not they are everything and yet nothing defines them i am going to plummet down a building and die theyre so opposite

they dont match each other freaks, they complement each other freakness and create a balance that blends together so well yet so chaotic

they’re not good people. aventurine, despite everything he had gone through - he was not a good person either and that goes the same with fenrir. they are survivors, and what they do is that they bite to live. they pave the bath to tomorrow by force and they ARE CRUEL, but they must be as the world gave them no rest.

oh IM FUCKING SIICICKCKKKK aventurien and fenrir with the eyes symbolism and motifs…

was it casual when he can’t tell your eye colors, your hair color, your face yet he still sees you better than anyone can? IM GOING TO JUMP AND DDIIIIEEEEEAAAAGGUGHHHH

aventurine hating his eyes and was always trying to hide it. he doesnt value them and would sell it any day if it shined or whatever. ( i know he’d still try to keep onto it bc avgin heritage and shii but just just put that aside ok ) yet during talia, aventurine was still willing to share his sight, SHARE HIS EYES to fenrir - who’s blind without glasses cuz yk, albinism.

once i hate a dream of fenrir and aventurine getting freaky and i was aventurine but in a way i cant control anytihng the sex was so good i broke down in the dream so hard i woke up crying in real life cuz they were so tender and affectionate with one another and its not even canon shit it’d write for them (am i cooked, is this a hyperfixation cuz ive been forgetting a lot of shits just so that i can devote my stuff to this pairing omg im cooked)

“i curse my eyes for not being to share its vision with you” or whatever the lines he said was and oh my god that quote i didnt even write that shit he siad it in myd reams and shit im so delusionally cooked

- “i curse MY eyes”, he claim it as his, he was finally accepting of his eyes

- “vision” BRO THAT MEANS HE SEES FENRIR IN A WAVELENGTH OF LIGHT DIFFERENT THAN SIGHT CUZ THERES NO NEED FOR SIGHT WHEN U GOT VISION BUT FENRIR DOESNT SEE THE VISION, HE WAS ONLY SHARED THE SIGHT IM FJFUFUCICKIKIGN

ok enough rambling here’s fenrir’s canoncal eyes but i was just too lazy to draw em bcc…. gems. bro. i will not draw that. but he has like the gems eyes + sideway pupils cuz he a prey and shi. sheep in wolf clothing typebeat.

i want it to be something related to his lore as well, bc his birth was quite… stupid and i desperately need to rewrite that. i wanna make him like astarion jr so that he has connection to obsidian and then obsidian sent aventurine to strike a deal with talia to be an undercover plan his ass to her or whatever cuz vampires and fenrir is like an incubus-based-race

also talia crumbs,

i know damn well boothill gets emotional whenever he ses aventurine and fenrir raising hermia in talia, it’d def remind him of his home when Nick and Graey was still alive and he was a young lad being raised by them

[big-coyote]

hi!! this may be a weird thing to ask about but ive decided to make one of my longtime ocs a coyote therian (they were connected to coyotes since the beginning) and i wanted to ask if theres stuff i should avoid when talking abt them or doing character design?

ive done some research on my own looking thru tumblr blogs ran by therians mostly, but i mightve missed some stuff!

for now they show their theriantophy as either wearing a coyote looking onesie (which is the first outfit they ever had) or when wearing other clothes they have a tail keychain on their trousers, so i also wanted to ask if you know of any other things they could have to connect with their theriotype?

again im sorry if this is a weird question! <3

(1/2) Hello! Not a weird question at all, I’m actually very honored and happy you’ve asked! I have quite a number of OCs myself that are also therians or otherkin adjacent lol. Also if anyone else has any ideas they’d like to add/advice feel free to comment or reblog!

As for things you should ovoid I’d recommend straying away from the idea of therianthropy being inherently because of mental illness. While it’s totally okay for your Oc to struggle with mental health problems or other serious topics. I often see the stigma online where people assume being nonhuman or having a alterhuman identity means the person in question must have Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, psychosis, a delusional disorder, etc. And again while I know plenty of nonhumans who have those disorders (I have some of them) and that may effect their identities as a whole, it shouldn’t be the end all be all of their identity you know? Ovoid adding more stigma to both.

Another thing I’d stray away from is the idea of a character being a therian because of spirit animals or any mythology related to closed practices/groups. I’ve seen many indigenous people online speak about their discomfort with the word ‘spirit animal’ and how it’s been adopted into pop culture. Being alterhuman is much more then “I feel connected to this thing/this thing is just like me”, it runs much deeper then that and it is as much as a real identity as something like gender, sexuality, religion, etc. It should be taken with as much care and seriousness as those other identities because it is huge and important part to a lot of our lives.

Lastly I’d recommend avoiding making the character the butt end of the jokes. While the Oc themselves can be funny, have funny things happen to them or have funny experiences as a coyote Therian I’d ovoid making them the punching bag to other OCs. Online it’s not uncommon to see many people misunderstanding and mischaracterizing being nonhuman for a quick laugh. It be very disheartening if an OCs entire existence in a story is just “haha they think they’re a dog, that’s stupid”. Again it’s important to take any identity like being a Therian seriously instead of just being the punch line for a joke or gag.

As for the clothing I think the onesie would be incredibly cute and good to wear as well as the tail! Many therians wear tails, both real and faux fur ones, to feel connected to their identity and feel more comfortable. I’ve also known many therians who were things like jewelry with their theriotype on it, fake animal ears, t-shirts, rings, fur coats, earrings, pins/buttons, etc. Some also like collecting plushies or posters with their theriotype as well, or having stickers on their books or drawing them. Or if you’d prefer a more casual character design you could have a character who doesn’t wear any outward Therian gear and prefers to keep it low key. Both options are very valid and would be interesting to see!

But no matter what I’m sure your Oc is going to be amazing and I can’t wait to see them! Please tag me if you make any art or stories about them, or if you have any other questions feel free to ask again or DM me!

[faithlessthewonderfinch]

⚠️WARNING SPOILERS‼️

🌷IVE MADE A CONNECTION ABOUT THE TULIP THING!!! 🌷

ok so recently I saw this image of a post on Pinterest about Crowley having yellow tulips in the back of his car that he was MOST DEFINITELY GONNA GIVE AZIRAPHALE if all the sad shit didn’t happen (dw that small detail made me cry too 😭)

So I decided to write a fic on an AU where Crowley does manage to give Aziraphale the flowers and THEN I got a thought... Flowers have meanings! And guess what, TULIPS SYMBOLISE “RENEWAL AND REBIRTH” AND “DEEP LOVE” There’s no way I’m just being delusional this HAS to be intentional!!!! ALSO giving someone specifically yellow tulips mean that person you’re giving them to is your sunshine and they bring you pure and utter joy!

But idk I’m probably tweaking 💀

[douchebag-rituals]

🍔NEW PINNED POST YAYYY ^w^ NYA🍔

🍔last upd8ed: 10/01/24🍔

⚠ Trigger Warning: flashing lights/eyestrain, self harm/suicide, blood/gore, derealization/unreality, weed/drugs, true crime/tcc, problematic artists/lolcows, proship/dead dove, nsfw/vore, etc...Also normalization/glorification of these things... ⚠

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🍔Welcome to our playhouse!!!!!!!!!! Secret blog/safe space/digital headspace to be cringe/delusional/problematic/etc...A blog normies wont understand AT ALL lololol X3c I made thiz blog 4myself + headmatez, butt i dont mind others interacting! Have fun!!! ^3^ if u somehow figure out my main blog PLEASE dont tell anypony shhhh

🍔"Host" - call me Nepeta, Angel, Douchebag, NK, or New Kid! Ive got a looot of names n i luv nicknames. :D I'm an angelic trans-dimensional being, but bodily a disabled "human" 19 yr adult. They/Them, Th3y/Th3m, or Th*y/Th*m pwease :3 nonbinary genderqueerfluid xenogender/aro panlesbian/queerplatonic, polyam, objectum, selfshipper.....I'm also an anarchist, neet, stoner, & furry!!!! :DD Alterhuman/Nonhuman/Otherkin/Fictionkin, but full kinlist is complicated n personal!......Main kins/irls r Douchebag (sp), Nepeta (hs), angels, and nekos. I luv doubles yay!!!! Doubles plz plz interact!!! ^v^

🍔Kenny Mccormick (any/all) is my soulmate/matesprit <3, Marjorine "Butters" Stotch (she/they) is my qpp/moirail <>, Karkat Vantas (he/xe/she/they) is my moirail <>, & Vriska Serket (she/her) is my kismesis <3< (n yes we're all around the same age LMAO). Theres lotsa other ppl from the timelines im close with, but most of those relationships r complicated n fluctuate~ ;33

🍔I guesss im our "host"? Spiritual system...being a protector of timelines, I can connect with the consciousness of certain characters, from my past/parallel lives!!! Mostly rel8ed 2 SP/HP & HS...but also lotsa other shit!!! :D sometimes others will post, but mostly meeee ^u^ we mostly all use they/them for simplicity's sake. We're very autistic, it affects us daily- We also age regress very often hehe >:3 (3-11ish?? I might b a permaregresser...)

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....dont bother arguing about it though, because we already know its true. its all facts. We are currently in reality #216-B. Earth02. Any attempt to blind our truth will later be blocked....manifesto, suicide files, and "spiritual documents" are currently in the works, and will be published here before our eventual suicide. Do not try 2 reality check us.....

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[keeperofseeds]

“listen i tend to be out of the loop on most celebrity drama but Henry Cavill getting fired from every franchise hes on. Lol. Lmfao even.”

So the rumour about him on deumoix was true? I feel there is some truth to it, but is he really that bad?!! Or was he playing hard so leaving would be easy when he thought he was back as Superman again. Actors are weird 💀

he would be delusional if he thought industry professionals dont all talk to each other, and that misbehavior on set doesnt spread like wildfire. Theres a saying in Hollywood "dont be a dick" and its because this is a social industry. You get gigs on connections. To some degree, a lot of the big A listers can get away with murder because studios will always hire them- but Henry Cavill committed the mortal sin of being a bad employee. He didnt know his lines, wouldnt show up to set, wasted everyones time and money, fought with every woman in a leadership position, and was an all around terrible person to work with. Most of the actors that misbehave on set at least show up and do their job.

I can count on my fingers and toes the people i've had to work with in this industry that i decided "im never working with you again :) :) :)" and its a little heartbreaking because the rumor mill can kill your career. I show up to set and do my job the best I can and Im as friendly as I can, even when things are going wrong or directors are being dicks because I know my next gig is coming from someone who saw me being good to work with.

To be clear 95% of the people ive worked with in this job have been the nicest people i've ever met. Most of the actors I've met have been so cool and so nice and lovely.

[collapsingbenjamin]

☆⠀.⠀"Put me to sleep, evil angel; Open your wings, evil angel."

(I lost my train of thought near the end of this, but if I remember anything, I'll definitely add more to this. Sorry about it being so long, I love to ramble and go on-and-on about who I am, what I could be, and other things. I was anxious to post this, originally. I am not able to provide image-IDs. Plain text would also clutter everything up, but if you need it, please request it. Apologies.)

(I also don't have a tagging system yet. Again, if I get one or make one, I'll update here. This whole page is a work in progress, but the tags would most likely be related to songs from the Breaking Benjamin band's songs, obviously.)

Benjamin B. IV/VI, He/They (possibly Hy/Hym, I like how it sounds. I'm still figuring out some things about this identity. Not sure about They/Them, but I'd like to try it out some more.) Fluid identity in some aspects, but usually is primarily masculine, secondary neutral.

I enjoy the Trans-ID community but I feel like I can go a bit too far on some things (especially when I'm identifying as a real-life person, which could be seen as insensitive due to their experiences, whether it be current or past,) but if it feels right to me, and makes me feel more connected to them (when they're a big influence or comfort for me,) then I guess it's alright to some degree. (This isn't to make fun of anybody.)

TW for below: Talks of self-harm, and mental illness. (I'm very used to things having a lot of censorship and trigger warnings, such as servers and other places where I was required to add trigger warnings. So, for safety, I'll be doing that. It's a habit I have. Apologies in advance.)

I am genuinely mentally ill, in need of therapy, but unable to access it due to some things in life I don't want to share (in general, it's access/insurance problems with a mix of family and personal problems, but I'd rather not go too deep into it.) I experience delusions, moderate-to-severe paranoia, depression, anxiety (especially social,) memory problems, and a lot of other things. (I can go out-of-character and turn very manic, which makes me embarrassed about myself.)

I have identity problems, including suspecting other disorders and such, I have a lot of separate identities and well over six accounts, over ten emails, and other things related to that. I severely struggle with my self-image in general, but I also like delusions. (It's a love-hate relationship, sometimes being delusional helps me escape.)

It's hard to find things on-theme for this certain identity, but I have a few labels that I've found that might be able to suit me. Here are my Trans-ID, Tris-ID, and Cis-ID labels and how I feel about them.

Trans-IDs: Addict/Addiction, Alcoholic/Alcoholism, and Trans-SH (more as Trans-Severity, since I have a history with self-harm but I'm currently not practicing it, it's more mental in a sense.)

Tris-IDs: Weak/Weakness (I already experience this in general or occasionally in many different ways, that's the Cis-ID part, but the Trans-ID part would be weakness in the joints due to a mystery illness, reference to my source.) Perma-Nauseated (I'm aware this is a Perma-ID label, but I do frequently feel nauseous, and the Trans-ID part would be more severe or constant.)

Cis-IDs: Hypersexual (warning about this, I can have flare-ups, mood-swings, or phases of this and I feel highly ashamed about it since it can get triggered easily when I'm more manic,) BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder,) SZA (Schizoaffective Disorder, characterized by Schizophrenia and a mood disorder, it's Bipolar Disorder in my case,) anger/irritability issues, Hypochondria (I'm confused about this one, some sources say you need a diagnosis for this, but at the same time that doesn't seem correct to me.)

Suspected Things: BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder,) ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder, suspected by family members as well,) OSDD/severe identity issues (putting this here to be safe,) StPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder, I genuinely cannot remember if my psychiatrist diagnosed me with this, a family member who was with me said he put it on the file but I don't know if he directly said I had it, and I'd rather have a diagnosis I can remember.)

I hope everybody reading this, including antis (despite the fact they aren't allowed to interact with me, and should stay in their own space, this also excludes the mean antis,) to have a nice day/night, or whatever time it currently is for you. I hope I can make new friends (or at least try.)

(Clarification: Civil antis are allowed to interact, but generally, I am most likely scared of you and will not interact with you. I'm too tired, exhausted, and brain-fogged for discourse. And what I mean by "excluding mean antis," I meant as in I hope they have a terrible, as in non-threatening, day. It's never okay to send death threats and stuff just because someone identifies as a certain thing.)

About contact and other stances: I'm still figuring it out, it's fluctuating but I'm oriented toward anti-contact for harmful/illegal paraphiles (not sure how to word it,) and generally pro-consent in all aspects of the matter. (I'm also still learning terminology.)

"Fly over me, evil angel; Why can't I breathe, evil angel?"⠀.⠀☆

[glitchdollmemoria]

preemptive warning for discussion of violence, abuse, and sexual assault in the links ahead

one of the many frustrating parts of schizospec paranoia is that, when it comes to more realistic fears, it gets hard to tell whats The Mental Illness and whats actually justified, at least to a degree. people with schizospec disorders are more likely to be the victims of violence, with some estimates claiming those with schizophrenia are 14x more likely to be victims of violent crimes than they are to commit violent crimes and twice as likely as the general public to be victims of violent crimes, and people with "severe mental illnesses" overall have been repeatedly reported to be at a much higher risk of being the victim of violence.

when you account for other factors which can put an individual at further risk of violence and abuse - physical and intellectual disabilities, race, gender, sexuality, or religion for example - you can easily see that theres plenty of fuel for persecutory fears.

when you account for the fact that schizospec disorders, especially their paranoid symptoms, can be exacerbated and even partially caused by trauma such as being the victim of abuse, and the revictimization rate for victims of such mistreatment, even more fuel is clearly being added. schizospec symptoms can easily mesh with symptoms of ptsd, resulting in paranoid fears that are, to some degree, based in factual events in a persons life.

so, with the way schizospec disorders muddle up our thought processes, it becomes especially difficult to know whether our fears are based in any form of fact or not. i experience fears that people are obsessively attracted to me, because ive been mistreated by past partners and by those who i wasnt involved with like that but who still took their own feelings for me too far. its difficult for me to discern whether people are actually attracted to me, and wanting to harm me because of it, or if its all just my synapses misfiring. i simultaneously have a constant feeling that the people around me are scared of me or see me as less than a person, and are therefore planning on causing me immediate harm or working behind the scenes to ruin my life, but these fears draw on actual experiences of being told im scary or pitiful or lesser, having people actually make efforts to hurt me in one way or another, so on and so forth. i am not the only one experiencing this, im confident.

and then you factor in the fact that those of us with schizospec disorders are most often socially isolated to some degree - the dsm even lists social isolation and difficulty maintaining close relationships to be a symptom of schizotypal personality disorder, for one thing i remember off the top of my head. were seen as strange, unnerving, unnatural, our behaviors are abnormal, we dont connect with others the way we "should", we communicate in confusing ways. every day i feel as if i have an aura emanating off of me that other "normal" people can sense, that tells them im a threat. and so it becomes increasingly difficult for us to find support, for our symptoms, or for the aftermath of discrimination and violence. we often arent truly "people" in the eyes of non schizospecs, rather were psychos, crazies, potential killers. we become collateral damage, acceptable targets. and it becomes easy to brush off our concerns for our own safety, because its more convenient to chalk things up to us just being delusionally paranoid rather than putting in the effort to actually examine the situation and the facts of how dangerous life is for mentally ill people.

i know that my thinking is disorganized here, and im doing the "flowery language" thing because its a serious topic and its hard to put into more succinct terms than dancing around what im saying. so i hope that what im trying to say is actually coming across clearly. my point is that im tired of second guessing myself and never knowing whether my fears of persecution are based in fact or not, and im tired of the social isolation that comes with this shit. im tired of feeling like if anything happens to me its going to be brushed off as just symptoms and not a real problem that matters to anyone except me

EDIT 8/19/2023: because i got reminded of this old post, i want to add that since posting this ive realized i also have npd. usually i keep my npd talk to a side blog because im not super comfortable talking about my symptoms on main, but i do want to add the clarification that the paranoia i talk about in this post is ALSO very very heavily tied to my npd in addition to my being schizospec. and in a way that makes me feel even more vulnerable, because people with npd tend to be villainized and treated as if our problems are just exaggerations to get attention. so when you combine the stigma against both conditions... its fucking rough out here, idk what else to say.

[steelycunt]

ridi im sorry i need to rant and i think youll get it 😭 like not to be a bitch but this fandom kinda going off the rails and annoying the shit out of me https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRbYASpf/ everybody in the comments unironically loving it,,, i mean wtvr ship who you want but its kinda getting delusional like ppl are just operating on thin air and pretty fancasts atp and i do Not understand or emotionally connect with any of it. at least w wolfstar theres so much material and foundation to explore but what is all the rest of this?? just hot celebrity fancasts and crack. to be fair part of me respects taking a terfs canon material and making everybody gay but the way it seems to be so oversaturating fics and the fandom that characters dont even feel like their original selves .. atp its all just surface level OCs

hello! yes! i'll be honest talking about things like this always make me a little nervous, and i feel obligated to preface anything i say with a disclaimer that none of it really matters, nothing i say matters, and you should do what you like, because--who cares. i am not an authority on--anything, frankly. my opinion holds no more weight than the next guy's, and all i'm doing here is giving it, so. essentially what im saying is--people are perfectly entitled to disagree with me, but people are not entitled to be mean to me about it xx

having said that. it is my personal opinion that s x barty is one of the worst fucking things i have ever heard lol. who even is barty who is that guy. why would s be interested in him at all. i do not understand it it does not make sense to me. from where are we sourcing the character traits and personality that we are giving barty that would ever endear sirius to him, because it objectively cannot be canon.

overall i do not get the new interest in barty + evan + pandora (+ regulus, but we won't go there)...at all, other than guessing that people were bored with the marauders and wanted a new version of them (and new celebrities to fancast) while simultaneously changing next to nothing about them other than superimposing them onto the first slytherin side characters they could rustle up. i expect ive become a bit of a broken record in regards to my dislike of the popular meow-meow-ification + complete absolution of regulus as a character in order to make him a loveable oc (just as i think erasing all the negative traits that r/s have in order to make them more likeable is just as boring), and all of that applies to those other guys as well (with the slight difference that they are, somehow, even less interesting and significant than regulus in canon), so i won't get into that too much. but i think what you say about having no emotional connection to any of it is exactly right lol--it is a sort of shift? i guess? in the fandom that is simply of no interest to me. they are characters that i just have no emotional investment in and admittedly struggle a little to understand why other people do. i am emotionally invested in, like, five characters overall (and even out of those--there's only two i'm really here for innit xx) and i personally cannot extend that investment to a creepy little side character who is mentioned maybe twice in the entire series.

and that is okay! i do not need to understand it. i don't want to say it annoys me because honestly--i don't go there, its nothing to do with me. if i dont like it i just wont interact with it, and the fact that it doesn't interest me has no bearing on what other people are into or want to do, and i couldn't give less of a shit what people do with the canon material, which is largely garbage anyway. take the bits you want from it, play around with those and ignore the rest. in that respect we are all doing exactly the same thing. but yeah i think s x barty is genuinely awful lol. hate it. very terrible. he's already got a loser werewolf boyfriend and he loves him so so much. leave him alone.

[fapper]

My thoughts on buddhism and experience with monks and shamans

Its hard trying to lock in to buddhism when i used to go to the monastery and u have to pay money just to talk to a monk and they recommend u certain seeds to buy and they recommend u sooo many like 5-7 different types of seeds/ incense and you have to buy them individually etc its a whole business i cant explain it really well but ik for sure its not supposed to be like this like… but im gonna look past what it has become today

One time my family brought a monk home when i was peak depressed like in 2016 i was anorexic and cutting and i didnt wanna engage in that tomfoolery so i was just laying in bed wallowing in sadness and when i finally got up and walked passed that monk he told my parents that my soul is dead LMAOOOO. Oh also before this monk came to our house i was shit talking him so bad and i was jst complaining to my family abt how we believe in shit like this and when the monk came over the first thing he did was call for me and said shes been badmouthing a lot ❤️ ight like that was a little scary but i still dont believe in #monks

Shamans are fake i think. My uncle is a shaman and i think hes full of bullshit 💀💀💀💀 its kinda silly and the whole ritual that they do is scary and theyre loud asf drumming that thing they use to connect with ghosts or WHATEVERRR the only 1 truthful thing a shaman said about me was that i live inside my mind a lot which is insanely true but then again. I cant get myself to believe in that nonsense

What i really like about buddhism is the art and the monasteries. Like ive been to the different monasteries across the country and theyre all very beautiful and the monsters are so detailed like its such eye candy. Theres one piece at the monastery near my home that has a huuge painting of hell/ heaven on a humans body and it is sooo beautiful i remember staring at it for 30 minutes and each time i would catch smaller and new details.

An example of this is below, i mean. You gotta be off something to draw something like this idk 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 its so insanely beautiful to me tho even though this is a monster

Overall im gonna really look into the history bc ik my family has been buddhists especially my grandma rip so maybe i need some sort of spirituality to guide me in life bc the atheist life is so boring like i need to be delusional about something to give me that passion in life idk. We’ll see man im just gonna start with wikipedia articles to get a grasp and then probably move onto asking my family etc . 💀💀💀 #boredAndUnemployed moment