#mayonnaise cw

[facts-i-just-made-up]

Where does mayonnaise come from? Can it be canceled? (Asking for a friend)

We have an actual record of this one, here’s a translation of the original Minorca Chronicle from Louis des Balbes de Berton de Crillon’s journal after he invaded in 1781:

"The fort has surrendered but many rebels are still entrenched in various caves across the island. We have burned over one dozen powder caches and taken numerous prisoners. While exploring the northern cave under the Ramis oak tree, we discovered a pungent aroma believed by our guard at first to be rot, but later identified to have emanated from a pale cream which in turn was oozing forth from the backmost northeast walls.

"We spoke to members of the former fort of Ramis and his son, who directed us to the Caldés family. Their patriarch explained that the cave had always dripped with this substance since his own ancestors found it in the early 1620s. They recorded that the substance was organic and indeed, even edible, though only a few his own family found it to be a pleasant flavor.

"We gathered two stuckfasses of the substance, one of which we have sent to King Carlos and one which we have held in the fort to conduct studies upon. These studies have thus far shown the substance to be high in fat, with little else but stiff-bile (translator’s note: cholesterol). Some of the men have taken to consuming it on their sandwiches, naming it for the Mahón shore, as “Mahonaise.”

"I sent Pasqual to excavate the area and discover the source of the Mahonaise, and when he did not return, Sergio took a party to discover him. Though they did not find Pasqual, they did find the wall of Mahonaise breached, and inside they found the remains of a crude settlement with a bed and several manuscripts, all of which contained pornographic woodcut imagery of colossal demonic beasts. Sergio surmised that the substance was indeed the seminal emissions of several such demons.

"I have not had the heart to inform the men who enjoy this substance on their sandwiches, so I have ordered the galley to replicate it as best as they can using eggs, spices, and oil. The men do not seem to have noticed and thus, are returning to their families in Spain with much “Mahonaise,” unaware of the dubious origin of the legitimate substance."

Modern Mayonnaise producers have thankfully found the original demon beasts again and all Mayo sold in America and Europe is the genuine fluid.

And no, it cannot ever be cancelled. It is eternal.

[hot-take-tournament]

HOT TAKE TOURNAMENT!

GREATEST HITS #2!

Submission 77

pizza tastes best when it's dipped in mayonnaise

just try it and you'll see

Submission 517

M&ms are too dry

I put them in milk and eat them like cereal so it’s better

I see some of you not voting! That's cheating!

It's ok if you agree with neither take! Just choose the take you agree with slightly more!

Think of it like choosing the lesser of two evils!

Propaganda is always encouraged, and remember to reblog your favourite polls for exposure!

No, I don't know why it's green.

[sunlightfeeling]

SMAP Dance Time: Pop-Up SMAP (2006)

[jockpoetry]

dinner was 🤌 tonight

[bluntshavingrazor]

13/01/2025

Me, my eldest sibling and our mum were waiting to get lunch in my old high school canteen. After waiting ages for a vegetarian meal to be available I discovered they had put mayonnaise on my chips. I really hate mayonnaise. I walked out without paying and went on a rampage through the town in my search for edible food, but when all the takeaway places on the high street turned out to be shut (they don't generally open until the evening) I ended up being dragged in circles by my foot by an unseen force.

I woke up lying in someone's garden pond and, for some reason, now believed I was actually awake, with the previous events being a dream interpretation of reality. After putting the fish I displaced back into the pond, I went to apologise to the residents about my actions. Even if I was in some kind of disassociating episode, it's only polite to say sorry. Anyway, turned out they knew I was there and had been keeping an eye on me, just in case. Then I woke up for real (I assume) at about 3am needing the toilet.

[the-technicolor-yawn]

“I hate mayonnaise more than I hate homophobia”

-DJ Qualls, 2023

[onbearfeet]

Unironic props to that one mayonnaise company (Kraft?) that is currently placing a trigger warning at the start of their ads telling people to "avert their eyes" if they don't like seeing a lot of mayonnaise. I know it's a joke at the expense of actual content warnings, but I'm allergic to mayonnaise and the sight of white goop on a sandwich makes me think of various times I've puked up surprise mayo, so the opportunity to look away before the white blob appears is genuinely helpful.

[allthingscons1dered]

As someone who grew up with 5 older brothers, I cannot help but think of how older-brother-coded both Dick Grayson and Jason Todd are.

(A/N: It’s not that I don’t love Tim and Damian also, they just give off more younger brother vibes to me. Also, I tried to make this as gender neutral as possible, please don’t hate me if it’s not.)

CW: None, slight cursing.

So I proudly introduce as my first ever post:

Annoying Older Brother!Dick Grayson and Jason Todd Headcannons:

Batfam x gn!reader

Y’all ever come home from school excited for the leftovers that you’ve thought about all day and FIND THEM GONE?!?! Jason ate them. Just to spite you. And he won’t even play dumb about it either. He will admit it so carelessly.

“Did you put your name on it?” He’ll shrug with confidence. He gives no fucks. He needs that caloric intake.

Jason is that sibling who you’ll argue with until you’re blue in the face and then text you 20min later with no explanation, just: “food?”. (Said argument was probably about the leftovers btw).

And you’ll still go get food with him because, well, siblings.

Dick is an older brother in the way he’s not even the tiniest bit nonchalant. He will 100% tell the cringiest stories about you in front of anyone you bring home. Unapologetically.

Or drop you off at school with the most EMBARRASSING song blasting from the speakers. He lives for it.

Another thing about Jason? He will absolutely barge into your room, flex in your mirror, knock shit off of your dresser, throw something at you, and then leave. Completely unprovoked.

He probably even steals the current book you’re reading from your nightstand.

It will return a day later out of nowhere.

Imagine just chilling on the couch, scrolling on your phone and suddenly you’re bombarded with their presence.

“Is that a *boy/girl* you’re texting?” Jason will ask as he looks over your shoulder, knowing damn well it’s not.

But guess what? Denying it would just make it worse.

And of course, Dick would freak out.

Because why would his younger sibling be dating? You’re way too young; practically a baby in his eyes.

In the case that you’re actually talking up your latest crush, Jason would have the following reaction:

“I don’t give a damn who you date,” But give him ten minutes and he’ll hit you with the classic, “so what’s this kid’s name again?” He will be looking them up later.

I think Jason would try to be the brother who acts like he doesn’t care but would most definitely be over your shoulder 24/7 about a lot of things. Dating being one of them.

One time, my brothers shoved me into a box, taped it shut and then set me on the front porch. These two shitheads would do that— or something similar, like hanging you upside down from a grappling hook— and say, “It builds character.”

Ohhhh, that reminds me. You think the two of them are annoying individually. Think of them both TOGETHER.

You try to avoid being around the both of them at any given time, but it’s inevitable.

Like picture yourself coming home after fighting some D-list villain like Condiment King— because of course everyone else was busy— hoping that no one else is back from patrol.

But no! No, no, no. Why would the world ever want you to be so lucky?

In front of the Batcomputer sits Dick and Jason, there to witness your arrival in your mustard-and-mayonnaise-covered suit. Dick will at least attempt to hide the smile behind his hand.

Jason openly laughs his ass off. Tears will be brushed from his eyes as you glare at his shameless reaction.

“Well, I hope you were able to ketchup to him,” Dick cracks with a grin.

The sound of their laughter follows you as you retreat to the locker room, middle finger raised in their direction.

[swordshapedleaves]

Splurged on sushi delivery as a treat, did not receive my tempura despite being charged for it, plus they added secret mayonnaise to two of my nigiri. I can't eat mayo. It makes me gag. Which is why I always order nigiri instead of rolls, and get sushi way less often because nigiri is way pricier. ugh. I might throw up. Also my cucumber roll was falling apart and their ginger was chopped up bits in little packets instead of nice thin slices. Just fucking miserable meal all around that I paid through the nose to experience.

Wish I'd listened to my hesitation and had something cheaper for dinner. I would have straight up had a better time if they had just charged me and delivered nothing.

Second migraine of the week, totally unsurprising given all the fun I had at OrcaCon over the weekend. But I hate that the price of a few days of fun is a week+ of misery now.

[mountainsandmayhem]

Wonderful Tonight

Marcus Pike x Pregnant Female Reader - 18+

Summary: Marcus Pike takes care of his very pregnant wife, shaving her legs (and more) and then treats her like the delicious meal she is. CW: pregnancy, shaving, fingering, oral sex (f!receiving), unprotected p in v (you can't get pregnant while pregnant, but all of you better be wrappin it up!), praise, pet names (baby, honey, etc.), multiple orgasms. This is fluffy romantic smut. AN: I write one piece with feelings and suddenly I'm Mrs Romance over here! I gotta say that I'm falling deeper and deeper for Mr Marcus Pike, JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE!!! I feel like their wedding song would have been Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton, hence the title. Thank you @syd-djarin for reading this over for me. @survivingandenduring, I'll be waiting for my edits lol. Dividers by @saradika-graphics Word Count: 3.9k

A faint groan stirs Marcus awake, he takes a few seconds to fully come to, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. Trying to listen for that sound again, unsure if it was a dream or not. He reaches across the plush white bedding of the king sized bed looking for you, his beautiful and very pregnant wife, only to find the bed empty. 

Usually, worry and panic would rush through him if you weren’t in bed, but you appear to be in your nesting phase and it hasn’t been unusual in these last few weeks for him to find you rearranging the nursery or ordering more things off Amazon at strange hours. You also seemed to have the strangest midnight cravings, like mayonnaise on ice cream, or there was that night he walked on you about to take a bite out of a kitchen sponge. 

He sits on the edge of the bed and stretches, looking over at his alarm clock. 2:56 am. 

The sound of you huffing and grunting floats from under the door of your ensuite bathroom. You sound like you’re struggling or in pain and adrenaline courses through Marcus as he hops up and rushes to the door. His mind racing to calculate the number of weeks pregnant you are and if it’s too soon for you to be in labour or not. 

He tries the door handle to find it locked. “Babe?” He calls, rapping his knuckle in the door gently. 

“Sorry. I’m fine. Go back to sleep,” you call back, your voice seems off like it’s laced with discomfort. It immediately sets his teeth on edge, you’re not fine, and according to his quick math you’re also at a point where you could go into labour and even though the baby would be a little early, they’d be past the danger zone and the baby would most likely be ok. 

“Please open the door. You don’t sound fine.” He says softly, pushing the panic down like the trained FBI agent he is. 

You’re quiet for a second before responding in a more stable voice, “Everything is fine. I’m sorry I woke you up.” 

“Are you sure everything is ok?” He asks one more time, he knows your stubborn tendencies and how it usually takes him to ask three or four times before you give in. 

It’s silent again behind the door. Just the sound of you huffing like you ran a marathon before a sad little ‘no’ leaves your lips. It simultaneously sends him into fix mode and breaks his heart. He hears your bare feet pad across the tile floor followed by the click of the lock. 

He cracks the door slowly to come face to face with you in just your sports bra, naked from the ribs down. Your legs are slathered in raspberry and tangerine scented shaving cream and you have a purple razor in your hand. Your cheeks are pink with frustration and the exertion of trying to bend down. Your hair’s piled on top of your head, a few loose strands falling and sticking along the nape of your neck. 

He leans his toned bicep against the doorframe, only wearing his tight black boxers, then crosses his arms and looks at you tenderly. His voice is soft and full of love as he says, “Oh, sweetie. What are you doing?” 

The tears of frustration start to pool along your lash line. “I’m gonna give birth and I can’t be a Sasquatch, but I can’t bend over without feeling like my lungs are being crushed by my giant belly.” 

Marcus cups your face, wiping away the stray tear and bringing your eyes to his. “Honey, you’re not a Sasquatch. And even if you were, they’re doctors. Come here,” his hand trails to the nape of your neck and he pulls you gently into him, wrapping both arms around you and tucking your head into his neck, “They’re not looking at your leg hair. They’re focused on you and the baby.” 

You relax into his arms, belly pressing against his abdomen comfortably. “I can’t go into labour like this,” you say, anxiety wavering in your voice. 

Marcus drops his arms from your body and slides past you, slipping his boxers down before stepping into the large, glass walled shower. He turns the nob that controls the rainfall shower head and crooks his fingers at you as a silent call to walk to him. 

When you reach him, he starts to unzip the front of your sports bra. “What are you doin’, Mr Pike?” You say softly over the soothing sounds of the shower, watching his thick fingers pull the zipper down. 

“I’m shaving Mrs Pike’s legs,” he says as you look back up at him. His chocolate brown eyes soaked you in and made you weak in the knees. 

“Marcus, you -“ he cuts you off as your sports bra hits the floor. 

“I promise to love, cherish and treasure you,” he starts, lightly pulling you into the shower. He always recites his marriage vows when he can sense you’re about to fight off his help. His way of reminding you that he wants to be there, wants to care for you. He continues his speech as he leads you to the wooden bench, “In all circumstances; good or bad. Forever. Without hesitation or keeping score. From this breath, until my last breath, you are my wife, my love, my partner, and my equal.” 

He steadies you as you sit before taking a knee in front of you and smiling up at you sweetly. 

“Thank you,” you whisper. It’s the middle of the night and this incredibly sweet man doesn’t even question or fight you. Just supports and loves you with his whole being. “I don’t deserve you.” 

“Baby, you’re growing a person for us. You deserve so much more,” he holds his palm out and you place the razor in his hand. His other hand wraps around your swollen ankle lifting it to rest your foot on his knee. Before you can say much he starts making slow, gentle strokes of the razor up your leg. 

You’re both silent for a moment, him lost in the sight of your soft skin as he shaves your leg, you lost in him and the way he’s looking at you as he drags the sharp razor so tenderly across your skin. The steam from the shower wraps around the two of you, encasing you in your own little cloud. The rest of the world and all your worries are temporarily blocked out until all your thoughts are just Marcus. Sweet, loving, emotionally available, Marcus Pike. 

He reaches for the detachable shower head and drizzles warm water down your shin and calf, using his free hand to rinse away the excess shaving cream. You go to move your leg away but he grabs your ankle to keep you there. After switching off the water he puts it back and looks up at you, placing a light and lingering kiss on the inside of your knee before placing your foot back on the warm tile floor and grabbing the other ankle. 

The shaving cream has washed away from the steam and backsplash from the rainfall behind Marcus, so he grabs the bar of soap and lathers up your leg. You watch again as he focuses all his attention on carefully shaving your other leg. Using the same little strokes, rinsing the razor more often than you would if you were doing it yourself. 

After rinsing off the excess soap he glances up at you. “Better?” He asks soothingly. 

“Ya,” you say, trying to convince him that your legs were your only worry, but he knows you better than that. He knows that when you flick your eyes away from his and your spine just slightly stiffens you want to ask something but are afraid or nervous to. 

“Honey, what else do you need?” His hand kneads the swollen and sore muscles of the calf that’s still propped on his knee. 

“Well…” you trail off as you start to blush. 

“Mrs Pike. Are you going to ask me to shave your pussy?” He says with a devious little grin. Eyes lighting up like a horny teenager, placing your foot on the floor. 

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” you say quickly. “I’m just worried that -“

He lightly covers your lips with his palm and Reminds himself to stay calm. he’s thought about how sensual it would be to shave your most delicious areas, but he knows you have some insecurities about body hair, and he didn’t want you to think you had to be clean shaven for him to find you sexy. Because truthfully, you could be a Sasquatch and he’d still want you. “Oh no, baby. I want to. I really REALLY want to.” 

You lightly kiss the inside of his palm as he smiles hungrily at you. Just as your insecurities start to cloud your thoughts Marcus places his hands on your belly and rubs gently. “For the record, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on, clean shaven or not. I love the taste of your pussy when it’s like this, it’s sweeter and feels soft against my skin. Plus, I love the way you cry out when I tug on it. So don’t think for a second that my excitement over getting to shave her means I prefer it that way. I don’t. Ok?” 

You crash your lips into his, tangling your fingers through the slightly outgrown hair at the nape of his neck. He tastes like toothpaste still from before he went to bed as you tilt your head to deepen the kiss, his soft wet tongue swiping against yours. The two of you stay like that for a while. Lazily making out in the middle of the night in the shower. His hands trail from your belly to your back, gently massaging the muscles of your lower back and then your hips. 

He breaks the kiss, resting his forehead against yours as you catch your breath. “I’m going to get a new razor and your special shaving cream. Ok?” 

You nod against him. “Are you ok on the bench, honey? Do you need a towel to sit on?” 

“No, I’m ok. We can move if the ground is uncomfortable, Marcus.” He’s always beating you to ensure the other is comfortable. 

“Be right back,” he winks. You watch him walk out of the shower to the vanity. The water droplets on his back run down the toned and slender muscles that line his back, they catch in the curve of his ass before running down his tight cheeks. You find yourself squeezing your knees together at the sight of your naked husband. He truly is so beautiful, inside and out. 

He slips back into the shower and kneels before you, sitting back on his heels. “Slide to the edge, baby.” His hands come to your hips, guiding you forward. He licks his lips and looks up at you through his thick lashes, big brown eyes dancing softly around your face. “Spread your legs for me.” 

Normally, saying something like that would sound dirty, or like a command, but it floats gently over the splash of the shower. Soft, caring, and so sweet that you melt back onto your hands, parting your knees wide for your husband. His eyes glaze over slightly as his lips part, your glistening soft folds on display for him. He blinks a few times and takes a slow breath, reaching for the shower head again, cupping the water in his hand and drizzling it along your pussy. The breath catches in your throat, something about this feels incredibly sensual, and it doesn’t help that Marcus is looking down at your pussy like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. 

“Is the water ok? Not too hot?” He asks. 

How did you get so lucky, but more so, how did anyone divorce this man in the past? 

“It’s perfect. Thank you,” your voice waves, it’s breathy and full of arousal. He blinks up at you and smirks. He knows this is turning you on, and he plans to make sure you enjoy yourself as much as possible. 

He applies the cream and grabs the razor, popping off the flimsy plastic guard before getting to work. His hand rests above your mound, pulling back gently to make the skin taut. He uses little strokes, rinsing the blade between each swipe of the razor. You close your eyes and let your head fall back as he continues. Once he’s removed all the hair from the top, he rests his hand on the now smooth skin just above your clit and gently pulls back. A soft whimper passes your lips, he’s so close to your most sensitive spots. But he said he’d help you shave, so he continues, swiping the razor in the same short strokes down one lip, and then the other. By the time he’s done, your breathing is rapid and shallow. 

“You doing okay up there, baby?” He asks, placing the razor on the bench beside you. 

You moan a soft ‘mmmmm-hmm’ as he reaches for the detachable shower head. You open your eyes, watching as he tests the water on his hand and wrist before holding the stream over your pussy. You gasp at the feeling of the warm water pressure flowing over your now swollen clit. Marcus smiles up at you, the dimple on his cheek forming and setting you on fire. He clicks the button on the side of the shower head, increasing the water pressure and holding it closer to your core. 

“Marcus,” you whimper, leaning back further. Gravity lolling your head backwards. 

“That’s it. Just relax, honey.” He says in a hushed voice, his free hand gripping and massaging the soft skin of your inner thigh higher and higher until he’s at the top. His thick middle and ring fingers coming to tease around your entrance. 

“Oh god. Please, Marcus.” You say through bated breath. Your swollen breasts and belly rise and fall with your pleas. 

He dips the tips of his fingers inside you, feeling your walls pulse and flutter. Taking his time to slowly fuck his fingers into you, inch by inch. Slowly. Lovingly. All while watching how you react. Watching the way your mouth falls open, eyebrows raising slightly, lips going soft as you moan his name. 

Once his fingers are all the way, he curls them forward just as he clicks the button on the shower head, increasing the water pressure to its highest setting. You let out a long, husky wanton moan that echoes off the black tiled walls. “Cum for me, baby.” 

Your legs start to shake, as your body almost launches you towards your release. Every muscle seems to go slack and it waves through you, pleasure reverberating from your aching clit, spreading to every cell in your body. 

“Marcus. Oh fuck. Don’t stop, Pike. Please.”

You feel lighter, even as your heavy belly bounces as you grind shamelessly into Marcus’s palm and the spray of the shower head. He feels the grip of your slick walled pussy start to relax as you crest over the edge of your orgasm and start to come down. He pulls the stream of water away from your clit, the warmth of his large hand cupping you, his two thick fingers still working you slowly to the bottom of your high. 

“You’re such a goddess, baby.” He says proudly. The praise wraps around you like a warm blanket as he slides his fingers from you carefully. “I wanna take you to bed and watch you do that again.”

You find the strength to arch your neck forward and look at him. You smile sleepily and nod, allowing your beautiful husband to take your hand, shut off the water, and lead you to bed. Before helping you climb in, he moves his hands to cup your face, placing his lips against yours. His chest rumbles with a content sigh as your tongue swipes hungrily along his soft bottom lip. One of your hands scoops under your belly, lifting it to relieve the pressure on your lower back, the other reaches for his hard cock. You grip around the base gently and stroke him slowly, matching the energy of the kiss. 

“Mmmm, I like that baby,” he says between kisses, “But I’m not done with you yet. Let’s get you into bed.” 

You climb in as gracefully as possible, praying silently that you don’t look like those sea lions that you watched on your honeymoon in Alaska a few years ago. You lay down on your back as Marcus climbs on top of you best he can, stretching to keep kissing you, doing his best not to put any of his weight on your bump. This position immediately puts pressure on your body, making you feel short of breath. 

Your hands push at Marcus and you sit up slightly, seemingly fighting for breath. “Ugh,” you groan frustratedly, “I can’t breathe like that. I’m sorry. This is so unsexy.” 

“Unsexy? I’m rock hard for you,” he says, looking down and then back at you with a smile. “You lay how it’s comfortable, how about that?” 

“Pike, I’m only comfortable on my side with that crazy pillow under my leg.” You say, defeated and anxious. “I need you though.”

He thinks for a second, chewing his cheek as he surveys the pillows available. “Ok, what if you lay on your side, bottom leg straight, top leg hooked up and resting on the pillow?” 

You smile at him lovingly, “Is that really gonna be sexy?”

“Honey, I’ve never been more turned on by anyone in my entire life. You’re glowing. I’m amazed by you every day.” He fluffs the pillows around you as you turn away from him, bending your leg up as high as your belly allows. “Is that comfy, baby?” 

His fingers trace up and down your spine slowly as your body starts to sink and relax into the soft mattress. “Yes,” you whisper. 

His lips come to your neck, kissing the soft spot behind your ear, down your neck and then along the top of your shoulder, fingertips swirling along your back and ass cheeks. Your eyes flutter closed, moaning at his sweet caresses. His lips continue to kiss your skin and down your back, as he spins his body so his feet are at the head of the bed. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he says into your skin between kisses. “So strong. So selfless. I love you so much, Mrs Pike.” 

Your whole body seems to tingle with anticipation of where he’s going to kiss next, you feel his hair tickle the inside of your top leg as he maneuvers his head between your thighs. You lift your leg higher, desperate to feel his mouth on your already sensitive pussy.

“Please, baby,” you gasp, arching your back slightly. “I need you to…” 

His warm soft tongue licks a slow and teasing stripe from your asshole to your clit. A tortured moan leaves your lips, hips bucking into his face. Marcus lets out a silent laugh at your reaction. He’s always loved how your body responds to him. The very first time he made you cum, both of you still fully dressed as you made out, hips grinding into his as you shook, he knew that he wanted to see that for the rest of his life. 

“Good girl, let me taste it.” He laps at you again, still just as slowly but with more pressure. Asshole, to entrance, to clit. Once. Twice. The third time his thumb comes to press into your now dripping pussy, tongue flicking around your nub slowly and with perfect pressure. 

“You taste so good,” he moans between licks. “Such a good girl for me. You’re gonna cum soon aren’t you?” 

“Yes. Yesss. Don’t stop, Pike.” He doesn’t stop, he never stops. Not until you’re either begging him to or you’re pushing him away. 

“Never, honey,” he mumbles into your wet folds, and that’s when the tight elastic behind your mound snaps, and you cum hard and loud. Your inner walls grip his thumb tightly, pulling it deeper. 

“M-Marcus…hnnggg…oh my god. Yes.” You’re lost in the euphoria. Every ache and pain from your pregnancy is temporarily erased and replaced with nothing but pleasure. Sparkling, warm pleasure.

It slowly starts to become too much, slipping into overstimulation. “Marcus. Stop, baby.” He’s always in tune with your body, his thumb already starting to slide out, tongue replaced with light kisses. 

You whine as he pulls away, already missing him and the intimacy. “Please fuck me,” you say over your shoulder, his blown out coffee coloured eyes almost black. He slips his body alongside yours, the arm closest to the mattress slipping under your head. He grips his dick with his other hand, pumping it while running it up and down your slit, collecting your arousal. 

“Ready, baby?” Marcus asks, kissing the top of your shoulder. 

“Just fuck me already!” 

If you weren’t pregnant he’d flip you onto your belly and drive into you, probably pull your hair and tell you to cut the attitude. But he knows he has to be gentler right now, so he slowly pushes the thick head of his cock into you. Inching in slowly, almost punishingly. “Don’t be a brat, baby. You know we have to be softer right now.” 

You wiggle your ass back, trying to get more. You need all of him. When he’s finally seated all the way inside of you he holds still, sucking on your neck. “Be good, or I’ll just stay like this all night.” 

“No, please, baby. Please move.” Your belly makes forward movement impossible so you’re just pinned between your bump and Marcus. “Pike, please.” 

He quickly pulls back to the tip and then slides back in. You cry out into his bicep. “Again. Please. Again.” 

“Fuck, I love it when you beg,” he whispers, fucking in and out of you a few more times. It’s deep and slow, always with a little extra punch of his hips at the very end. “Sound so pretty when you moan for me.” 

You reach down to rub your clit, him encouraging you with his words. “That’s a good girl. Touch yourself for me.” 

It doesn’t take long before you’re both on the edge, ready to tumble over together. To get lost in each other's pleasure. He moans deeply in your ear, whispering praises as you cum on his cock, holding off as long as he can before you feel his warm spend fill you. You’ve completely melted for him, unable to move or keep your eyes open. You both lay quiet, his softening cock still buried inside you, breathing heavily together. You both drift off, spent and happy and so unbelievably in love that it’s hard to believe something like this can exist. 

Marcus wakes up a few hours later still inside you. He slowly slips himself out, peels his body away from yours and tucks the blankets around you. He leaves you a little handwritten note that he’s going to get French toast and bacon from your favourite place. 

Ya, it’s definitely hard to believe that a love like this is yours. 

Taglist:

@corazondebeskar @hiddenbabynyc @rainstorms-library @smutsmutslut @sullyrocky44 @keylimebeag

@pimosworld @casa-boiardi @pedritoferg @paleidiot @lorilane33 @pansexual-potatoes

@jessthebaker @jasminedragoon @koshkaj-blog @pedroswife69 @strawberri-blonde  @none-of-this-makes-any-sense

@iloveenya @javierpena-inatacvest @blazeflays @akah565 @pinkiec6-rubi @pedroshotwifey @iluvurfather

@ashleyfilm @mermaidgirl30 @untamedheart81 @littlevenicebitch69

[anniebeckcalla]

.✿° dreamies twitter prompts !

drabbles inspired by twitter posts

member: mark lee

non-idol au. wc:391 cw: fluff

It had been six hours since he'd last seen you.

You worked out of the city in a country village that only the train could access, meaning that you were no stranger to the whistle of the train tracks and the stiff nods of the train conductors. Of course, that meant that Mark was used to it all as well. Straight after he was done at his boring office job, he would rush over to the train station, waiting for your carriage to arrive and for you to step off and into his open arms. It was a bit dramatic, especially since you two lived together, but then Mark never did anything by halves.

He frowned now as he glared up at the train timetable. The LED screen stated that your train had been delayed, and therefore would be half an hour late. Mark wasn't necessarily a stickler for punctuality, but he hated being apart from you, and anything that meant that he had to wait any longer on this boring platform without you beside him hurt him physically.

Everywhere around him, people were going home, reading newspapers, and eating overpriced mayonnaise wraps from the WHSmith booth. Why didn't they feel his frustration? Why weren't they upset that you would be late coming off the train? Why didn't they care? Mark balled his fists to stop himself from wringing his hands and attracting attention. His jaw clenched, his breathing heavy and thick. He felt embarrassed for overreacting like this, but he missed you so much.

Mark suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around, brow low with exasperation, but then his gaze immediately softened, and a smile lit up his face. His heart beat a new pattern of joy and excitement.

“Y/n, it's you!” he laughed, pulling you into an embrace. His ears pressed against yours, hands rubbing the small of your back. “How come the train came early?” he murmured. “They managed to clear the obstruction on the tracks in time,” you whispered back. “Didn't you read the timetable update?” “Whatever. At least you're here with me now,” Mark smiled. “Let's go home and enjoy the evening.” You two walked out of the train station holding hands with a strength that even superglue couldn't contend with.

Maybe the wait had been worth it.

[masterlist]

[eternal-kosmo-ghoul]

Hi there!

I saw that your requests are open :D

May I ask for hcs or a little scenario, if you wish, of how Swiss and Mountain would react to seeing reader (he/they pronouns, if possible) up really really late because of nightmares and insomnia? I’m thinking about fluff and platonic relationships! (Cuddles? Little kisses? Yes please)

Thank you so much for your time and for your writing! writing! 🖤

❝kiss the nightmares away❞

➵ “i’ll be your little sunshine.” —❤︎

pairing: swiss and mountain x male!reader (he/they)

theme: fluff ✿

a/n: first of all, i hope you’re doing well hon, i hope this fic can soothe some potential nerves you have there <3 i hope this fic met your standards. and tbh it can be read as platonic or romantic so i didn’t use the platonic tag

cw: insomnia sucks, that’s really it. swiss and mountain are very caring for the reader here

┅✦┅

his head hurt so much.

normally, the insomnia never got this bad— but tonight was a particularly shitty night. not only was his day at the ministry rather rough, but y/n had just experienced a chilling nightmare that still sent shivers down his spine— which only worsened the effects of their sleep condition.

it was anything but pleasant, but he hates to say that this wasn’t the first time this has happened.

insomnia was a bitch, but they have grown accustomed to dealing with it on their own— even if it sucked.

sighing heavily, y/n’s feet carried him through the ministry halls and into the kitchen, in hopes to find a snack that’ll soothe his mind and hopefully calm his nerves down.

the fridge door swung open and y/n grabbed the nearest thing on the shelf, not even bothering to look at what he had just grabbed— or the label for that matter.

just as y/n was about to open whatever container he snagged— the sound of someone clearing their throat made y/n whip his head around to find the source of the sound.

“you know you’re holding a jar of mayonnaise, right, sweetie?”

confused, y/n turned his head to the entrance of the kitchen, and was met with a familiar multi ghoul leaning against the door frame. swiss, with his arms crossed, looked at them in an almost amused manner.

y/n looked down at his hands to see that he was indeed, holding a jar of mayonnaise. he didn’t even notice, he was probably way too tired to even function. sighing heavily, he opened the fridge and put it back inside.

“sorry, i didn’t notice.” y/n responded, looking downcast to avoid swiss’ gaze

“i can tell.” swiss replied back with a cheeky tone, before he made his way over to y/n. he could already tell something was up.

“so what are you doing up so late?” swiss asked, his tone of voice shifting into a more caring one. y/n didn’t respond, his silence was already a good enough answer for swiss, and the multi ghoul sighed.

“that bad, huh?”

“it’s always bad, swiss. but tonight has just really fucked me over.”

swiss let out another heavy breath of concern, and brought his large, clawed hand to gently rub y/n’s back— who was currently hunched over the kitchen island, head bent down. it was the most he could do to comfort the poor boy.

at that moment, heavy, but gentle footsteps, made their way into the kitchen, causing both y/n and swiss to look over at the kitchen.

it was mountain. he must’ve heard one of them come down to the kitchen. tilting his head in confusion, he turned to swiss.

“what’s going on?” the earth ghoul asked, almost innocently.

“insomnia is kicking y/n’s ass again.” swiss replied back, his tail flicking a bit as he spoke. he then went back to rubbing y/n’s back.

“damn right it is.” y/n groaned out, his forehead resting against the table as he just let swiss rub his back.

mountain just let out an ‘ah’ at Swiss’ answer. he felt bad for the poor boy, he knew how bad insomnia could get at times. all he knew now was that y/n needed some comfort.

the drummer turned to look at the vocalist, and the two exchanged a knowing look before nodding at each other. at that moment, the earth ghoul scooped up y/n in his strong arms, cradling him like a baby— which made them yelp from the sudden change.

“what the—!? hey what are you guys doing??” y/n asked almost suspiciously, wondering what in hell these two ghouls had in mind.

“what do you think, honey?” swiss said from behind mountain, peeking over the earth ghoul’s shoulder to look at y/n. “we’re going to help you.”

it wasn’t long until the trio reached mountain’s room. y/n breathed in the fresh aroma of healing herbs and fresh water, must’ve been from the decorative plants in mountain’s room.

being the gentle giant he was, mountain carefully placed y/n on the center of his queen sized bed, and it wasn’t long until the two ghouls were all over y/n.

swiss was cuddled up on the right side of y/n’s body, his head buried under the curve of their neck, while his arms proceeded to wrap around y/n’s waist and his legs tangled in the other’s. mountain then moved to y/n’s left side, his chest pressing against the smaller boy’s back softly while he draped his long arms over y/n’s and swiss’ bodies to move them closer to him. the earth ghoul’s tail was also wrapped around y/N’s leg affectionately.

the position was… oddly comfortable, and it was quite serene too. it put y/n’s mind at ease, and his muscles visible relaxed after being stiff for so long. both swiss and mountain took notice of this, and started to purr lovingly— the vibrations of their purrs only serving to further heal y/n.

“this is nice…” y/n muttered out softly, to which swiss chuckled slightly.

“told ya we’d help, pretty boy.” swiss teased back slightly, making y/n only rolled his eyes at him.

“oh shut up.” they retorted, eliciting a chuckle from mountain, who rested his chin on top of y/n’s head.

“alright, simmer down you two. i think we all need to sleep. especially you, y/n.” mountain said with a more firm, but soft tone, making both swiss and y/n nod.

swiss couldn’t resist, but he pressed a soft kiss onto y/n’s cheek to help comfort him, which in turn made them giggle from the ticklish feeling. mountain let out another chuckle and placed a kiss on top of y/n’s head, purring softly right after.

y/n definitely wasn’t expecting his night to go like this. being pulled into a cuddle pile with the flirty multi ghoul, swiss— and the sweet and gentle earth ghoul, mountain.

his insomnia was definitely bad.

but these two ghoul’s provided enough comfort for him to make him feel safe.

and that feeling was enough to allow his mind drift off into a dreamless, but peaceful sleep, appreciating the warmth of another’s arms.

[corrroded-cofffin]

Euphoric Reputation - Three

Trans Eddie Munson || Steddie Series CW: Binding with bandages, blood, scrappy fighting, bullying

ao3 | One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six

Nobody sat with Eddie at lunch. They looked at him, or they whispered, and he wasn’t sure anymore if it was because of the fight or if they knew—

Was it obvious?

Wayne had made Eddie a glorious turkey and mayonnaise sandwich, and Eddie shoved it into his mouth in too-big bites as the world spun and his ribs ached. 

Behind him, Eddie heard someone refer to him as that ’new freaky guy,’ and someone else confirm he was the ‘crazy, psycho dude from this morning.’

Eddie turned in his seat, his eyes lit up like the 4th of July, and chewed, open mouthed, through a Cheshire grin at the gossipers. New freaky guy? Crazy psycho dude? Eddie swallowed and then barked at them like an angry dog, before bursting out laughing at the way the whole table flinched. 

“Back off, freak!” “Who is that guy?” “It’s the new Munson boy.”

Eddie wet his lips, his eyes as wide as saucers as he took in the way the table looked at him. The way they talked about him. He’d gotten high plenty of times - but then, hadn’t everyone? But the high Eddie felt as he sat alone at his table listening to folks gossiping? 

Eddie closed his eyes and turned back to his turkey sandwich, smiling so wide his cheeks hurt. 

I love my scrappy raccoon boy. Waited his whole life to be known as some psycho dude

[crying-fantasies]

Hold (on to my heart)

Masterlist

CW: blood, murder, curses, hate, power abuse.

Nights in the caves are, really, something else, specially since Martha's garden finally gave something edible.

It's nice, to eat something warm and fresh after so long, canned food and such can only get one so far without feeling sick in mind and body, and don't even get started with the face of absolute horror some bots did after reading what was inside or, worse, what kept the corn in a barely decent consumption state.

It's nice to eat without someone burning their eyes on your back, calling you names.

Martha's corn is little, not really sweet, and mayonnaise or butter could make it more delicious, but everyone eats it to the last grain, part of it has already been stored, the fire where everyone gathered around is, maybe, a beacon of hope, just what everyone needs since Optimus left, and you catch a glimpse of mister Sawyer drying a lonely tear when he looks at a stone at the side.

Ironhide's stone, one he used like a chair.

That was where Ironhide used to come and talk, hell, the bots used to come here with you all, Tommy said maybe it was like looking at a wildlife documentary, but you and the rest have a different approach to it, giving an almost absolute vote of it being because they feel lonely, they feel hunger, they feel cold.

There is so much that can be done in the dessert, or any part the autobots go and so you all do, if you search well enough it isn't that hard to find edible cactuses or other things, with the usual trial and error in between, of course.

Ironhide was the first to tell Optimus to get all the humans back to where they came from, but he was also the first one to take a boulder out of the way to make this campfire site and use the rock as a makeshift chair, at first it looked like he was trying to put you all in one place and Sideswipe almost punched him in the faceplate, but he was also the responsible to moving the hard soil with Hound and Beachcomber so that Martha could grow food, the only one that knew how to live from the earth and not by ready-to-food like the rest of you.

"It's easier for humans to do it, since it's their planet", he said, "at least then we won't bother findin' fuel for them", Sides was ready to let him know his opinion but he was stopped since what the old bot gave you, in reality, was something even better than canned food left to waste.

It's not simple, to follow the autobots, to evade the government, to try and get a hold of whatever that could be usable, you still remember Val and how she found something alien and bring it back, the few energon that thing had was enough to add another two days for everyone, Rosalinde, almost two, could only smile by her sister's enthusiastic face.

It was never easy, when Hoist, relieved for the finding, patted Val's head with utmost delicacy, "You did great", the little girl looked like she won the lottery, very much in contrast to her crying once a military man found your group while looking for rations, Val went far away in the former warzone to find another vial of energon, finding the man in her way and all his group, holding her and telling the little orphan with baseless promises of finding her family with the help of whoever was in power, that he saved her of the horrible aliens as all you could do was move again because they couldn't find the autobots, "humans know what a new human spark would need", that's what Optimus said, and it was what Ratchet repeated to Hoist once he found out to calm him down, Bumblebee was totally against to give Rosa to the people on the near town to care for her, and you all promised to tend to her every need to prevent her from going to fall in their hands, Optimus meant well, you all knew, as all you could give Rosa and Val was the least spoiled food.

"Do he sees us as pets or what?"

"Quiet, kid! Do I need to remind you who saved your ass in the warzone?"

"Well then, I can return to the god-damned civilization because I'm not in debt with the ones that got the war here!"

Most people just go, at the beginning, just like Jimmy, Verity and Hunter, sometimes they stay, just like you, but staying also means to have your face among the most wanted due to "fraternizing with the alien enemy".

But returning would end in indefinite imprisonment, or a very bad interrogation that could turn south very easily, because no one knew of Javier once he got to the nearest town, but you all found him in the wastelands while searching for more supplies, his body, at least, full of bruises and in a terrible state, like he was tortured.

Mr. Duncan called it "a stupid robot hunt to keep the people happy in their madness to vote for them again", Susana said:" Just people showing off, they need some war in order to fill their pockets".

You can only hope Val has something to eat, someone to care, things were hard, as you see your chemically burned fingertips, no more gloves meant direct contact in occasions, Ratchet and Hoist sometimes can't with all the injured, so far the only helping hands they have are you and Mr. Duncan who was a mechanic before the war and before being totally wiped after seeing Optimus Prime himself help him to get out of some debris, transforming in front of him while saving him, they are great, they really are, but alien medicine can only get you so far before you touch real energon, the one running in their lines like blood does in your veins, and getting burned isn't that hard with your hands stopping the leaking in Track's side as Hoist tries to make him see that his wound matters more than his finish.

Sideswipe, ever the gentlemech, came to your rescue when your tearful eyes weren't that easy to hide from him, biting back the sobs and just silently taking it all, maybe that being the reason why his already volatile temper just got to a new level, "I'm going to show that slagger something to whine over", he was furious, not at you, but in what you were getting into, in how you were hiding it even from him.

"It's okay", you said, red eyes and patched fingers, bloody nose and sore throat, low on fluids due to the energon poisoning, "it's okay, I can keep going".

But you can't, not anymore, not because of Sides but because this new bot called Ultra Magnus was sure to keep their law to the T, and Ratchet couldn't do much about it, "it's unprecedented to let an organic know about our general physiology".

"Magnus, I don't have any more help here, and you're shortening it even more?"

"The law must be followed, Ratchet, and we shouldn't have so many injured if our soldiers were able to hold into the designated procedures for those cases".

Everyone have their own reasons to be here, some willing and others not, some do what they can while others just can't anymore, but all in unison rise their cheap plastic cups high and full of homemade alcohol that is sure to burn your liver alive, chanting a "for the ones we lost" before downing it at once, your corn is about to return from your stomach and Mr. Sawyer finally breaks down, crying in his daughter's arms inconsolably.

Men don't cry, you heard once, and it's stupid, maybe real men, the ones that matter, really do cry and bleed.

And maybe is not only about men crying, but showing grief and emotion as a whole, as you remember someone say: "just don't think about it and the pain will go away", or "just think you feel okay and you'll be", it was easier to say than to really do, and even if you did it didn't really change anything.

Maybe the most strong really show what is troubling them, and try to understand it.

Maybe that's why you find yourself walking again to the part of the base Sideswipe has taken for himself, he is just there, sitting, low on energon and spirits since Ironhide's frame was taken back by Ratchet, he looks just like when Sunstreaker-

"Do you hate it?"

At first, you don't know what he is referring to, is it the constant hunger? The scorching sunlight in the day and the cold moonless nights? Being hunted down by your own people? Your own race? There is so much to pick from, but he may only refer to one of them? With a lack of response he makes that sad face again, in the past he did it, as sad as ever or physically possible for him just to joke around, took you a while to notice his playful nature and how to respond to it, but you would give so much to see that kind of expression back to him only as a joke and not the real one in front of you.

"Hate is a strong word".

Since Bumblebee made the deal with the humans, with that guy called Spike, things have been better, but feeling the soldiers' hard gazes have made you all return to the caves from time to time, the last familiar place, the last place where you all saw so many before probably losing them forever.

Val is still missing, no one could track her or what they did with her after they took her away.

Ricardo decided to sell out the bots and play the victim in the news, whining and complaining about being a victim, trying to sell a book of his survival when he wouldn't even be alive if not for Beachcomber saving him from an explosive.

Lucas, Paula and Jocelyn died when those crazy fucks corraled the bots and they tried to stop them like a shield, believing they wouldn't shut them down.

Mr. Sawyer still can't keep a few bites of food down after Ironhide died, his depression hitting another level, or so Miranda, his daughter, said, when his friend returned like a carcass with a hole blasted right through his spark, his heart.

The cries of everyone when Bumblebee, one of the most kind and attentive autobots, one of the better living beings you have ever met, returned with smoke emanating from his body, closed and dead optics, energon spilling from the wound on his chest, as Mr. Sawyer's cries of "not again, please" made more echo in all the people crying, the few people that were still keeping it together before things just escalated more.

The feeling of being burned alive as your fingers put pressure to the many ruptures in the lines, hearing Mr. Duncan curse as his own hands weren't enough to stop the leaking and welding at the same time, being instructed by the supposed scientist and doctor that was in charge to keep Bumblebee alive by just pouring energon inside and letting you two do all the risky job.

Sideswipe's response to your "I hate it" isn't one of surprise, if anything, he is waiting for you to elaborate, "I hate them so much!".

His reaction to your answer brings up the necessity to shut your mouth, but the lock has been molested, and there is just so much you can do once bitting your tongue isn't enough, not even his sad smile, his relief at you finally letting go of what has been eating you from inside out, the low light of his optics on you, blue light that makes your tears shine like tiny sparks embers that fall ominously, like hatred and vengeance that are never to meet an end, the rage of a warrior encased in such tiny frame that does everything in it's power to heal even when there is a gaping black hole in the middle.

His reaction to your tears, to your hysteria, the ones you had to fight back, is nothing but understanding, and he doesn't even flinch when the poison and resentment follow and take control.

"I wish they end up dying there!", you remember their faces, their words full of hatred, you'll never forget them as you all shouted back in how the autobots weren't the ones to get the war to the planet, it was the decepticons who started it, it was the humans who kept at it.

They hated so much, without a base, without a reason, putting all of them in the same group, and were the first ones to shout indignantly once Jazz protected everyone.

"I wish everyone they are related to die too! Stupid genes should just disappear! Their parents! Their kids! It's all rotten!"

You will never forget their faces as they shut down Lucas, just because he was trying to speak with reason, "STOP! Stop! He is injured! Please stop!", Paula got to close for comfort too, apparently, as she was trying to call Spike for help, but someone, a sick fucko, believed her phone was a gun and killed her too with Jocelyn who was only promising the already on edge autobots that everything was going to be alright before her blood was flying in their direction.

"I want them to disappear"

Once your hatred is placating, finally being able to let yourself say all the bad things that have been bottled down for so long, your sadness takes over, and Sideswipe offers his servo to cradle you near as your tears and sobs aren't stopping, increasing to the point breathing is hard and you're almost choking back cries and shouts, holding for dear life to him, your screwed nails digging on the crevices of his faceplate and neck guard as he holds your body with both servos to that tiny and warm place in the junction of his helm and his neck guard.

A safe place, where his body overlaps yours, his engine and the power on it a silent promise that he is strong enough to fight for you both, increasing with your cries and the goosebumps, an answer to his EM field, telling you "I'm here, I'll protect you", your physical reaction, your way to show him "I feel you, I know" when his digits pass over your skin so delicately.

It was a trial and error these years, laughing hard when his anger made your hair stand up, give comfort when you didn't feel much, feeling overwhelmed and all little hair up when he was playful and happy.

Feeling out of your body when he was trying to comfort you.

"I want this to end"

"I miss them so much"

"If I ever know who made that gun!"

"Please don't leave me too"

"I want them in pieces!"

"Don't ever let me go"

Next thing you knew, Sideswipe was trying to wake you up, saying something about a "I'll see you later" that was barely registered as your eyes were too swollen to see him right, the coldness in the base is too strong and makes you hold the blanket he left above you, is it late? Why is he saying that? When did you fall sleep and when did he let go of you? You can barely think straight, the alcohol doing an inside mess, Sideswipe holding you near again, the best you both could do for a hug, you could only do so much with your head all foggy and painful as he left you to rest, that sensation of vibration as you're swallowed inside his EM field again, nuzzled by his faceplate, the light of his optics showering you, barely alert to give back the hug, holding to his olfactory ridge and making him chuckle, smiling back, hearing him happy after so long, if only for a minute, feeling him gone the next and holding the blanket close, preserve his digits' feeling above you, his warmth enclosed in that blanket for as long as it could be.

Hours later, and the next thing you know is that most autobots are gone, everyone is sitting in the dinner salon of the Skywatch's base, watching the news, your relief of Bumblebee once again on his feet is washed away once someone tell you that Sideswipe left with Optimus to Cybertron.

One hour later, and you're left to question yourself what comes next, holding the blanket to your body, and realizing that it's the vicuna one you bought, and that Sideswipe left the paper crane you gifted him years ago just next to your sleeping body, as you ask yourself what you could have said in your intoxicated pain that made that hot head take his few things and go to a barren and deadly planet once again, trying to comfort yourself that it wasn't caused by something you said.

But that monster in your head says otherwise, telling you that if you lost Sideswipe too was because you showed your pain and grief, everything is your fault.

It's all your fault, and Sideswipe will never come back, either by being shot where you can't help him or by finally realizing you aren't that different from other humans.

"Humans are all the same", Sunstreaker once said when he tried to brush you off, and maybe he was right about you.

Do you even recognize who you're now?

[missbalbaquoi]

m.list ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

a compilation of the little things i've written.

✎ out like a light - prohero!izuku x reader (fluff, soft angst)

✎ sex, money, feelings, die - pro hero!bakugo x medical worker!reader (cw: mentions of sex)

✎ let's get married - prohero!hawks x reader (fluff)

✎ like real people do - prohero!hawks x reader (fluff)

✎ mayonnaise - prohero!aizawa x reader (fluff)

you can check more of them on my a03 page :) [warning though: i am not a professional writer, i only write for fun]

[homosociallyyours]

When food shopping, nothing fills me with rage like the Walden Farms brand. (cw: anti-d*et, food that isn't food)

It's all zero calorie and zero fat versions of whatever sauce/spread you can think of: mayonnaise? yes. peanut butter? yup! caramel, chocolate, strawberry jam-- literally all yes!

How can these things have no fat or calories, you (should definitely) ask? Easy! There are no actual foods in the ingredients list!!

Here's their "amazin' mayo":

Blueberry fruit spread will have fruit in it, right? Nah:

(sorry, guess there's a bit of juice in there for color! Don't worry though, it doesn't add any nutrition!)

At least "whipped peanut spread" will have some peanuts in it though, right?! No, found a work around for that:

The peanut oil adds "a negligible amount of fat" but it's not enough to show on the nutrition label so for anyone attempting to starve, you're in the clear!!

*S C R E A M*