#maybe more sketch layer art? idk we will see.

[nutakuro]

I don’t care what the novels say! Morpho is papis parent!! They have been adopted.

[alllgator-blood]

okkk wait this is the anon that sent an ask about autistic narinder and leshy hc 😅 i retract my statement they're all autistic 🤯🤯🤯🤯

I WAS LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING THAT ASK TO SAY "I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ALL AUTISTIC" BEFORE THIS ONE GOT SENT IN, I was two sentences in so your comedic timing was impeccable actually

I know there's like no evidence in-game to back my claims so this is purely a vibe check (and also me being unable to write for neurotypical characters) but yeah no I 100% feel like all the bishops have autism for some reason. They definitely express it in different ways and I was actually thinking about that in the car ride back home tonight??

SEMI-DETAILED HC EXPLANATIONS BELOW THE CUT

For leshy, I feel like since he's the youngest...when he came along, everyone was like "yep. We don't even need to get this one tested" after seeing him in his natural element. Which sounds cruel but that's just personal experience after people in my family started getting diagnosed and we started noticing things about each other better LMAO. I kinda actually designed my iteration of him to be like a big stim toy, I did that shitpost sketch in the last post but even the first time I drew him I was like "this dude is made out of orbs that make satisfying noises when they click together", so if I had to categorize the way his neurodivergency manifests, it's definitely "I NEED TO MOVE AROUND!! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!! MAYBE SCREAM A LITTLE IDK IT JUST FEELS RIGHT!!"

Heket is for sure the one that fights the most against people labelling her with it, just because she's like I'M SO NORMAL GUYS. LOOK HOW NORMAL I AM. LOOK HOW WELL I CAN ADAPT TO CHANGE AND LOOK AT ME NOT FREAK OUT AT ALL WHEN I'M OUT OF MY ELEMENT!! She's the new leader of the family so she does her best to hold it together but if you make plans with her, she's gonna be in Waiting Mode as soon as the plans are made and might tear you limb from limb if you flake or reschedule. Something my therapist told me recently is that me getting absurdly upset over injustices (small or big) is likely directly related to being autistic, so if heket feels like something is wrong she will absolutely be vocal about it. If someone says something mean to her, they are her fucking arch nemesis from that point on. The block button is NOT enough she wants them DEAD

For narinder, I feel like he maybe bonded a lot with shamura over the fact both of them feel pretty disconnected from everyone else? The way his autism manifests is probably the feeling that he's on a completely different wavelength than everyone else, and can't experience empathy the same way his siblings can. He'll like have conversations with people but it feels like someone just talking at him, and him having to mentally choose the dialogue options that make the conversation end the quickest. He probably feels like a completely separate species from everyone else on more levels than just "I am a cat and you are not". I know this doesn't line up with my narinder art so far but I have a distinct characterization of him pre-schism that's completely different from post-schism. I feel like he also resented the other siblings for having the same condition as him but presenting so differently, he felt like he got the short end of the stick.

Kallamar........is a FREAk ABOUT TEXTURES. Bro will actually throw up if he has to eat or touch something gross. He would probably excuse himself to go hurl if he sees leshy combining everything on his plate and shovelling it into his face. I'M actually about to hurl just thinking about it. I have to have lotion on at all times or I freak out when I touch things with my hands, and I feel like kallamar needs to have that famous Cephalopod Mucus Layer in order to exist in his body without wanting to implode. Maybe even a special oil he formulates himself? I also feel like he probably has the most freakouts and has been left crying inconsolably + hyperventilating on the floor over something seemingly stupid MANY times, but shamura is understanding enough to be patient with him and not try to grab him or repeat phrases at him over and over.

LASTLY, SHAMURA DOESN'T THINK THEY HAVE AUTISM. They're like "I love my Neurodivergent Family :) can't relate tho" but all the siblings have unanimously agreed they have something going on up there, even before the TBI. I think they're very book smart, and have little file cabinets of their brain of stuff like "arthropod husbandry" and "dreamcatcher making techniques" but are totally clueless to how other people operate. They don't really know *why* people do the things they do; in my prequel AU thing, they gain most of their social knowledge through people watching rather than like...being normal and just knowing how to behave. Out of all the siblings, they've probably been told the classic phrase "but you don't look autistic!" the most LMAO

Also shamura 100000% has misophonia and that's the reason I didn't have them sitting at the table with the other siblings in the voidpunk comic I did of them. They love their family to death but they have to make the conscious decision to not shake baby leshy every time he loudly chokes down his dinner, so they just sit out meals and eat on their own time. If shamura was real I would build them a shrine and sacrifice my noise cancelling headphones cause idk if they have sound reduction methods in cotl world <3

I know autism kinda encompasses ALL of these traits and isn't something that can be categorized into "this one hates noises, this one needs to follow a schedule..." but I also don't want to just point at one bishop and go "YOU. YOU WILL BE MY VESSEL" because I'd never get to write all that I have in mind if only one character had it. There's definitely overlaps in symptoms between them but I just wrote down what I felt would be the most notable to that specific character. I've been wanting to do a comic about their special interests or the times they just like sync up and have a brain blast jimmy neutron moment, cause usually they're all over the place. I have literally never said the word "autism" so many times in my life I think I gotta cut it here, THIS IS SO LONG. I REALLY DID WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS THOUGH SO THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK GENUINELY. IDK IF YOU EXPECTED A SMALL ESSAY ON THIS BUT I WROTE ONE ANYWAY

[alonelystargazer]

it's still a distant goal for me since I'm just in the beginner stage of my sewing journey but I really want to cosplay Choso from JJK and make a costume from scratch, and after some research I think I've figured out how to do it. I'm hoping these notes will motivate and inspire me to actually go through with this haha.

(heads up: I'm gonna get super detailed with my notes, it's like a legit blog post)

At first I didn't know what type of clothing Choso was wearing or how to deconstruct his outfit until episode 37 of the anime Red Scale came out recently and we got to see him in action, and it made it way easier for me to analyze his outfit (and draw up some sketches, none of which are shown here haha)

BTW my goal with this isn't to create a costume as accurate to canon as possible, but I do want to have it as a foundation that I can later modify to suit my beginner sewing skills and to add any personal touches.

Vest

I had the most trouble figuring out the purple vest (there's probably a more accurate name for it but that's what I'm calling it), but the breakthrough came when I realized that the sides from the shoulders down are completely open and tied together with a separate belt/obi at the waist (although it looks like it could also be sewn from the waist down to the hips; the ribcage area is definitely open though)

I'm still unsure about how that crisscross shape of the neckline works, probably folding over fabric, but to simplify it, I could just make a rectangular shape for the torso panels and cut a slit down the middle for the neck part and it would drape down the shoulders, or just cut it into a V-shape neckline

Choso's fandom wiki page says it's a gi (like the uniform used in martial arts) but this one doesn't have sleeves so idk I'll probably disregard that, I don't trust fandom wiki haha. That's probably where the crisscross neckline comes from though; I just wouldn't know how to make that.

The scarf also looks really simple too, probably just a circle scarf made of the same material as the vest and obi.

for the material, maybe a medium weight cotton? it looks like it has a texture to it but I won't be too picky if I can't find anything like that

Top

as for the white top I could borrow from a haori design and modify it so it's just not open in the front (more so just to make the long flowy sleeves)

material: maybe a light or medium weight breathable cotton or linen (but not too thin or see through), or a polyester/synthetic or poly blend (I probably won't use synthetic fabrics though)

Pants

I'm not sure what style of pants/trousers these are, but I've seen a style called bontan that are pretty similar which are baggy like this and I'll probably refer to that; and it's not shown in these examples, but there's also a black (elastic?) waistband; there could be an elastic cuff but also the hem could just be cut shorter and have bandages wrapped around the shin/calves, or I could also use kyahan leggings. I think I'll just go with the elastic cuffs on the hems though since the boots will cover the ankles anyway.

I'll probably just use the same material as the top but add a lining or double layers as a reinforcement

I briefly considered that the pants could be a tattsuke-hakama style and combine it with the kyahan (kinda like designs for the characters in demon slayer), but those are pleated, and Choso's pants aren't like that, they're just wide and baggy.

I have a few pairs of combat boots I can wear to complete the outfit (if I wanted to be dead on accurate I would need a pair of Doc Martens boots but I'm not too picky about that, I'll just use what I have)

Hair & makeup

I'll probably end up buying a wig and style it into the bangs and buns bc my natural hair is very fine and doesn't hold any style!

I've already tried a few different makeup looks just for funsies, but generally I go with either a reddish or purple-ish eyeshadow all around the eyes and heavily line my eyes with black gel liner. Plus contour the nose and inner eye socket before creating the black mark across the nose with liner (and shadow to set it). Also, bushy brows.

I'm not one of those girlies who wears makeup all the time, and when I do it's not really heavy, and I don't wear foundation or any other complexion products, but since Choso kinda has pale skin, I could maybe use it and powder and contour my face to enhance the tired/ghostly look. I don't really want to do that though bc I don't think I want to keep touching up my makeup through the day if I ever go to a con. It might look weird and unbalanced to not have a perfect smooth base with such heavy eye makeup but that's just my thing.

I also think he would look good with dark nail polish and piercings, so I'll add those as my own little details.

Final thoughts

Generally speaking, since I'm a beginner and my goal is to create this costume by May/June 2024, I still have a lot of time to practice and to do further research. I just wanted to put my notes together now to inspire and motivate me.

I've seen so many people cosplay Choso already and I love their interpretations! They're also giving me inspiration on what I can do with my own cosplay.

I realize that cosplay doesn't need to be accurate to canon, and being 'accurate' doesn't make it better, but I'm just using the canon accurate clothing more as a template so that I can then modify it to suit my preferences, like following a recipe precisely and then making changes to it once you've learned the basics.

And I'm gonna try to avoid using synthetic fabrics bc I don't wanna create more plastic waste, even if they may be cheaper (and more durable?) than natural fabrics

Anyway, idk if anyone is actually interested in this except myself, but I'll be providing updates whenever I can. Once I've reached a point where I'm ready to start making clothes, I'll start off by making a mock up using muslin or some other cheap fabric I can find in a thrift shop like I've seen others do, before I fully commit to making the final costume.

If anyone actually read this whole thing, thanks! And if you've made cosplays before and would like to offer some advice, I would appreciate it! 😊👍

[lieutenantselnia]

My brain be like: no you have art block and can't draw anything for months, but when you're on a short trip with your best friends - and don't actually have time for it - inspiration suddenly hits you and you have to sketch something in the middle of the night🤷🏼‍♀️

Drew this on Friday night after a sorta overwhelming day (I had a great time with my friends - we watched the Barbie movie -, but we also had a really exhausting afternoon before that, walked a lot around the city and it was loud and overwhelming and just too much for me), and I was in desperate need for some quiet and comfort. I didn't originally intend to post it, but kind of changed my mind, idk maybe to counteract the fact that my irl friends think Davy is ugly xD

Might or might not clean up the sketch and make a finished drawing out of it once I get back home and have access to my computer. I still haven't fully figured out Selena's design yet, but I'm in need of more art of her and Davy😭💕

It's just a very rough sketch, plus I drew only from memory so Davy probably looks a little ... eh. The second reason I decided to post it anyways was because I liked the colour combination👀 Although it actually happened completely by chance. I wanted to make my screen as dark as possible to not disturb my sleeping friends, so I filled the first layer on the canvas with black and then drew with white, basically "inverted". Also I only used different colours for Davy and Selena because I could see way easier how their bodies are intersecting and it helped a lot figuring out the poses. I use this method often in my drawing process, but somehow I also liked particularly how it looked here :)

[kravchikfreak]

I think your lunter art is very neat. Do you think you could share your art process sometime?

awww thank you kind (maybe) stranger!

about the question tho… i'm an impostor and i don't know wtf i'm doing actually, and i'm not sure what exactly you're expecting, so combine it all and you'll get: i'll answear as i understood the task and you just send another ask if it's not what you meant

so here we go. art process:

1 turn pc on and open sai

2 stare at the white sheet for half an our

3 play genshin impact for six hours

4 turn pc off

5 turn it on the next day

6 (optional) get inspired by lil' kids / braindead antis / just your regular hatefull dumbdumbs' comments under your previously posted art (for OMG ships)

7 scroll through pinterest to find a pose that doesn't look too boring for you to try to draw

good thing you're smart enough to save them for the future just to nevere actually ever draw any of them

8 toss the picked pose into your beloved white sheet and idk maybe trace it? just to understand wtf is going on and how to mimic it

9 move your trac… kheM KHEM construction tip to the side and while looking at it and at the ref try your best to copy the pose as believable as you can

(make sure to do it on millioms or at least couple of layers just cause you're insecure indecisive baby who has no idea wtf he's doing and wants an option to make some changes without completely fucking up everything more than he already did by opening sai in the first place)

10 clean the lines the best you can

(bonus task - do it on duplicated layers of your sketch, cause, remember, you're scared baby)

11 color it as lazy as you can, just so you can always excuse your not knowing wft you're doing by "oh yeah it was just a low effort confident fast shit and not me being as unskilled as it possible for human being haha"

12 oh shit you almost forgot to draken your so called lineartm didn't you?? well at least you didn't forget to color luz's arm or hunter face this time. i call it a win! (also you didn't forget to color on at least 3 separate layer too just for safty, did you?)

13 nice job! go post it before 2 minutes past you hate the shit out of your newborn masterpie… oh well, it's been 3 minutes already. go post this ugly shit anyway. at least you won't be the only one cursed to see it

THANK YOU FOR THE ASK BTW that was fun

[domesticangel]

everything i draw always takes me so so so long to do and i can't decide if its bc i like agonize over details and trying to make things perfect too much and don't know how to let loose or if I'm just like, griping that Things Take Effort and it doesn't really take me any longer than it should...,,,if that makes sense

[shameboree]

hey kels i was scrolling through my dash and then i caught a glimpse of your new fallon drawing and i want you to know that i went absolutely buckwild and then i scrolled further to see the whole drawing and i'm pretty sure i squealed. kels ever since ive started following you and your art and fallon have slowly nestled yourself inside my brain its amazing how excited i get whenever u upload a new drawing. also ive noticed that i'm slowly but surely starting to sound more and more unhinged and wild like you. how the fuck do you have so much influence on me. 

ALSO i love the new fallon drawing!! you are so right blue gold and white are just her colours they fit her v well!! and i love how much texture you used throughout the whole drawing and her shoes are AWESOME!! also love the whole winter fairy-ish vibe <3

ALSO i was wondering if you could like sort of,, idk explain your drawing process on this drawing? like if you did the colouring first or the lineart and stuff bc i just love how it turned out and id love to try something similar!!

AW!!! i am so hype for my awful girl to be Enjoyed so much!! she is my favorite dressup doll i love to play barbies with her most of all heheh. also i am THRILLED that my Unhinged and Unwell nature have rubbed off on u. i know i am a Strong personality and it makes me V POLARIZING (i am either LOVED or LOATHED i havent met many ppl who are just like meh abt me. i am an Experience) and its always a DELIGHT when someone finds my feral animal traits endearing or positive and kind of picks up on them. i think because life is short that we should all be as bananas as we please at any point in time. PURE ID HERE BABY

AND TY TY!! my girl has a strong aesthetic and this piece kind of went a liiiiittle against some of that (its a lot of hard angles vs i normally give her a lot of ovals and rounded edges) but for the setting its appropriate bc im trying to give her a bit more of a """"harsh"""" or """"severe"""" vibe (like as harsh and severe as she can possibly look which isnt very). i LOVE to use texture brushes they are such an easy way to get out of drawing details myself because i am SO lazy!!

okay i “”answered”” this i GUESS technically because i typed words in response but its a whole lot of jack shit so like. here ya go. SORRY PAL. 

here are some more shoes as u can see i basically draw her in the same ones always except when i draw her in a plugsuit

OKAY THE DRAW IN QUESTION i kind of cheated on bc i literally just traced over one of my older draws i did for a very obscure au i made of who made me a princess (i am always doing such ridiculously niche shit i love to sit in my little sandbox and have no one else understand my barbie rps) BUT the process is the same as basically every draw i do like this. it is very simple so dont worry (or do, maybe)

i use 1-3 layers at a time and then immediately merge when i feel like im done and LIVE W MY MISTAKES if not!! anyway prepare to be massively underwhelmed heh

this is so funny i cant believe i literally traced my own drawing im a fuckin FRAUD im the laziest bitch i know. anyway. my sketches are way messier than this but it always starts out either scratch ass lines or color blocking w this bright ass magenta bc thats what feels right!!!!!!

HERES THE LAYERS I USED LOL i do all textures n shit as a clipping mask so actually i used 4 layers for this bc id set down one texture or pattern that was gonna overlap on a diff layer so i wouldnt have to work harder to erase and then BLINDLY MERGED to make things more difficult if actually i fucked up before that!!! work smarter not harder except when it is absolutely braindead to do otherwise is my motto

IF IM DOIN SMTH NICER like this then i usually make sure all my lines connect (this is also why i do a lot of angles and simple clear shapes when i draw) so i can set that layer as reference and USE THE FUCKING FILL TOOL BAYBEEEEE!!!!! this also makes it easier to fuck around with COLOR imho bc you can just rapidly swatch with zero efforts. i Love to take shortcuts. i Love to be lazy. i HIGHLY rec this, if i have colored smth that stays in the lines then its bc i connected the lineart and used the bucket fill underneath. if my lines dont connect sometimes ill make a temp line and erase after i filled. im dedicated. ALSO u can see here that my patterns layer is all overlapping and fucked up bc i didnt check and erase fully but i use p limited palettes in general so... IT DIDNT MATTER THIS TIME!!!!!!!!. 

anyway after all that i lock the lineart layer if i havent already and color some of the lines for some PIZAZZ. easy way to immediately fake effort i do love to do that

HERES AN ACTUALLY MESSY SKETCH:

 i do all of my fucking draws on the same canvas bc im a horrible little beast, so the only reason i didnt erase the sketch and use it for the colors layer was bc there were others on that layer already and i didnt wanna scoot them so i could cap the finished draw. i did NOT connect my lines for this one i colored like a toddler. who gives a shit we all die in the end anyway!!! 

YOU DIDNT ASK FOR THIS BUT LINELESS MY LOVE... i just color blocked for this one alas i do not have process caps, i will do that next time i draw i guess if anyone wants that!!? i typically only use a single layer for lineless- block out the shape, alpha lock, then color and carve from there. EASY PEASY!! ive shown it before but i spent all my formative draw years on v limited feature programs (mspaint, oekaki, TEGAKI MOST OF ALL) so i dont explore tools much and do what seems easiest and most intuitive to me... im sorry i dont have any sick tricks or real process i am but a feral little clown drawing in the DIRT. also here is the tegaki overlay i use whenever i am Blocked or fatigued w procreate layout. it makes me feel NOSTALGIC and INSPIRED so i do this instead of like, actually getting on tegs2

this ended up long as fuck and FOR WHAT?? its just 10 images and several paragraphs of “sorry im the laziest fucker ALIVE”

[notsodailycake]

Happy Birthday Dork

Yep! Today's my birthday! This gal right here is turning 16! (Now time to change my age in all my bios💀💀)

And i decided to draw these two gals. Now of yall weren't following me back in 2020 on insta, then yeah, you have no context to who these two are

The blond one is well, Cake, my oc/persona, and the ginger one is Brooke, an oc thag belongs to @/ molzysketch on Instagram. I wont go into full detail, but we basically ship these two. We made them during the fall of danplan, Brooke was supposed to be Ann for molzy's pirate au. A group chat was made to make theories of what would happen on the next part of the au, but the next day the fall happened. After the fall we revamped them as ocs tho, and everyone in the group made their own ocs and we role played with them

I'll add the version with no text under the cut, plus bonus info and ramblings boyt my art :>

This all are kinda redesigns of them really. Brooke was redesigned by her own creator molzy of course, but i worked on the colors by the end 😌

On another note tho! To make this drawing an even better birthday gift to myself, in the middle of doing this i realized how similar it was to an old drawing of these 2

This one was from July 2020, it was the last time i did a proper drawing of them in their pirate self

But honestly, looking back the old drawing i did of them, god am i happy with my progress. You can see they actually grew up too, the old one looks more soft, childish and now they seem to have grown up! It's more mature, has more personality to it, to the characters!

I'll keep it short, but basically, I'm happy with how my art and the characters grew. They actually feel like pirates, and Cake feels like how i wanted them to feel, and Brooke now actually seems like Brooke and not a revamp of Ann. Which props to Molly for that!

Also, i tried out a new shading technique here, which i love! But hate it just as much, bc of how many layers i had to use, and how slow it gets when you leave or come back to the drawing 💀

Also really time consuming, but it's worth it bc it looks epic. And honestly it's way more fun, with how free i am with it and messy i can get with it

And yeah, the similarities between this snd the 2020 one, it was PURE coincidence. I started to work on this mostly testing out a technique i saw on a reels and it turned out great, the bodies, didn't know who to use it with. After a while decided to use Brooke and Cake, was gonna draw Brooke holding cake, but the body better fit Cake so i did them instead. And only when i was sketching Cake out did i realise it

I miss these gals, and i wish to work with them more. Hell i actually am re working on Cake's story now. I plan on maybe changing their name to Cory, tho I'm yet to fully decide

Tho idk how the og crew's story is now, but honestly, it's alr i can still have fun with it XP

[digitalgate02]

Ni unpacks some design comments on the new 02 group's design.

(because all i wanted was just one person's motivational boost to make this lol) (i got three. extra dose of motivation boost)

This is kinda a thing i like the most -- i love do design characters and coloring, so i'm always studying character reference sheets for the sake of learning bits and improving my own art 👀

So, we recently had more details (even if bare minimum) for Digi02: The Beginning, and i'd like to write a post analyzing their clothes and the coloring. Also their hairstyles too (hello Miyako, Hikari??)

So, let's roll!!

Daisuke's design!!

Ok, i had talked about this one before (when we had the sketches of it revealed at Digimon Con lol) and I'm super duper happy with this color palette invoking Daisuke's original human world's clothes. Not only the style, BUT the coloring too!!

The first thing I notice is... He got pants now. Well, it's funny because since this movie is set in the Winter... 02 Daisuke had shorts on winter!? Okay, some people were also surprised by it too, no kidding. Anyway, this seems to be very comfy! And has the coloring of his iconic shorts hehe.

He did not ditch the dummy sunglasses, THANK GOODNESS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH! Also i find funny the shoes are the reverse of his iconic boots -- White with orange details. His socks are the same color as his DW's socks (which were the same blue-color of his jacket, i'm not kiddin')

He got a cool vest that has the same colors of his vest in 02 😭 But this one has more details and is probably made with some extra layers for winter (i guess) -- and he's wearing a cool hoodie! Idk what is that stamp, but it has its bottom part colored in orange? Or is it a pouch? Haramaki...?? Who knows...!

Ken:

No ponytail aw... But i find him pretty with his short hair -- I'm really loving his short hair that i have to remind myself his hair was long when he was a kid orz

Whoa classy! Ken-chan continues to wear the finnest clothes as possible. He's really bringing some smooth detective style 🤔

His new friend, the hair sprout is still there and strong, I guess he's still a dummy like his other five friends lol. I love this little sprout, better he never cut that lone warrior or i will be upset.

There's not much to talk about here, only that he's very formal and classy. Ok, he's still wearing neutral colors but at least they're having not so sad like the grey uniform in 02.

I love his face tho, he's really pretty.

Miyako:

No headgear this time, my dear!? Wow you're so pretty without any accessories on!! I love her new glasses! Still round and Miyako-ish 🥰

I like the color palette of this outfit! The pink poncho with the cyan pantyhose/tights are a nice touch! Also wow those boots are so pretty 👀👌

I also noticed her hair is still curly and got some bangs hehe. I hope to see more cool Miyako's hairstyles in this movie -- Kizuna already was so precious about those two hairstyles 😭

Since the poncho covers a good part of her design, i can't say much about it. Anyway, maybe in the movie we see this one without the poncho... I hope so.

Iori:

Are we finally seeing Iori without a school uniform!? Wow, and he's pretty stylish somehow huh... Since Iori is a reserved and polite person like Ken, his design only differs from the fact is a bit more casual than Ken's classy detective coat.

Iori also likes neutral colors if you check his outfits in 02 & its previous movies. So, a grey jacket it's very in-character for him. His shoes have some interesting patterns and color scheme. I like the blue with black-purple and salmon colors. It suits Iori's personality imo.

Ah, he got a... watch? I wonder what kind of watch would fit Iori's personality... Analog or digital? 🤔

(also, i wonder if he's a little more taller now...)

Takeru:

I dunno why, but this one design reminds me 02 as well, but the yellow consumes a good part of the jacket, forming a "T" with the black accents on the upper body.

He got... a beanie now!? Wow, it's a cute beanie and the color matches with the entire design i think (the colorist of those design is a mad genius i love their color game) -- and he got some cool off-white sneakers with light gray, blue and orange red details 👀👌

I think this is very Takeru-ish. Ah, is he wearing a necklace under his jacket? Because I can see a necklace cord there...?

Hikari:

Hikari's a pretty lady. And by that, i mean we saw her outfits in Kizuna were a bit more sophisticated and comfy than stylish or simple. I feel like she's getting a good fashion game here and might be my most favorite of out of the six characters.

I love her sweater and pants. They're pretty and cute, and her coat is a nice addition to this design, especially its color. Hikari's color palette is more neutral than her 02 outfits (where Pink was almost in some part of said designs, even if by just one cloth piece of that color) and i think it shows how mature and pretty she became.

Also, we can notice her hairstyle is changing a little too! Her hair is getting longer enough to have this cute ponytail. Some strands are longer on her back too, and I'm in love with this new change of pace.

Stay cute and cool, Hikari-chan 💖

BONUS: Rui's design!!

Since he's a new character and it's his debut movie, there's not much to talk about his design, other than his spiky purple-grey-ish hair makes me think about Ken's late brother.

His palette has too much black, and some grey and white. I feel he's a sad person at this point... I don't know how to interpret this, since we know basically nothing about him and his possible partner Ukkomon. But, i think it's an intriguing character design.

I've seen a press' screenshot of the scene shown at the event, and seems like under that bang covering his eye... He's wearing an eyepatch?? Really, who are you Rui? I want to know more about you asap!!

That's all everyone!! I hope you enjoy my silly analysis of those seven characters 😊

Peace~✌

[riisinaakka-draws]

part 2/6

2nd part of my old Black Sails scraps and doodles from 2016–2021. Not in any particular order.

This time the drawings are short comics that were abandoned for a reason or another, mostly because I lost the interest or felt like there was too much to redraw compared to the satisfaction of finishing something else more interesting. There’s also some talk about rigid mindset and how overthinking can lead to stagnation.

Contains early silverflint moments, specks of dust, rackham's glasses are found, jealous-Billy spying, desk-Flint gets caught, "squint-squint", a quiet moment and its bird dilemma etc.

And please do not steal and repost elsewhere. But if you do get inspired, feel free to make your own interpretations!

Long-ish post under the cut!

“What are you thinking about?”

“Specks of dust.”

“Liar.”

The idea was to show how much they and their relationship had changed. This was around 2016 when the season 3 began and I was still re-learning to draw with a tablet. Another art from the same time period (and idea) is this art: The Dynamic Duet. 

And for some reason I was really stuck up thinking that I’d have to first do the sketch, then the clean line art, then planes underneath, then shadows etc. and I have always struggled with that kind of approach! Mainly because I hate doing clean line work, lol. And I was a fool for trying to start with a white canvas! It’s so much harder to find values and plan things, or at least in my opinion..

“Rackham’s glasses are found”

To celebrate their new pirate alliance, they share the four lenses of Rackham’s sunglasses as they were also found at the time (because I wanted it to resurface and they could be made into jewellery you know...). This was right after the episode where Anne fights and hurts her hands (here wearing protecting mittens from Max even though she’s not trusted at the moment). Uh, this doesn’t spark joy interest me much and it’s quite stiff and would recuire a lot of redrawing faces, so - discarded!  

I somewhat like the idea still (them having something to share, although it’s on Jack’s detriment). I tried to find a stylished comical easier doodlier? way to draw them and draw clean lines etc, but it just wasn’t for me. Also here too, the background is blank and too bright. Later I started to think things as scenes and draw everything at the same time instead of adding the bg later or trying to show everything (and everyone) at the same time.

Here’s also Billy in the same story:

He’s spying on them and since it’s so bright he’s wearing his diy “sunglasses” and being envious to the others. *cough* uhhh...Idk? Also people were shipping Ben Gunn (and cheese) with Billy, so that bled into this too... Charles’ spirit is riding the “big white bird” that was mentioned in Teach’ story and in this case it’s a pelican.

As you can see, I also wasn’t using the brushes that I use nowadays. A hard (or soft) round brushes with no change in opacity just aren’t for me. For example, in traditional art, I struggle with markers and copics, but really enjoy charcoals and watercolours. I prefer ragged edges, layering and thus blending things into each other (and leaving the viewer to fill in the gaps) instead of having stark or definite things. I also struggle with vector drawings, although I have decided to finally start learning to use them...somedayyyy.

Also, I wasn’t paying attention to anatomy, like, at all LMAO. I was just so happy to be able to put something on the canvas.

This is one of my first ink drawings, but I cannot find the original anymore. Again, I like the idea, but not how things look art-wise. And I was so adamant, that I have to get everything right in the traditional drawing and not fix anything later on on photoshop because then it would be cheating. And thus, I was never able to move on or finish this properly the way I liked it (idiot).

BUT! It was a good practise to just draw and test things on paper and gain confidense on drawing things in overall (as I was still getting back into art). To get over the fear of blank paper you know, and try to find my style whatever it would start to form into.

Oh, yeah, Desk Flint.

Desk Flint was a thing for a while (still is, lol). Another drawing from that time is this Slingshot Pirate (2016). And Desk Flint keeps repeating in many later works too. The point is mainly “Flint sitting behind his desk and people interrupt him and I don’t have to draw him fully”

Well, anyway... moving on.

Here’s a plan that has been stuck for years. It’s name is “Squint-squint.” Left is the sketch (with another sketch underneath because the expressions were clearer in the old one). On the right is the continued piece with colour scheme but I cropped the eyes panel and faces out (it was so ugly for some reason) but if I ever continue/finish this, it will be redrawn there in the middle.)

Left. “On that moment their eyes were literally open(ed).”

Right. “After squinting on the shore for days, they had actually forgotten how pretty the other idiot’s eyes were.”

I still like it, quite a lot, but my perfectionist ass only sees too much “boring” things to draw and get right, so it hasn’t been a priority for a long time and other works have kept me occupied and more interested in them.

--------------------

“Quiet Moment.” 2018 (a wordless comic happening after the events of Charles Town)

I’m going to explain after these pictures, but see how big the difference is when you start to look at references and plan things together (the space, “camera” movement, background etc). I also started to colour with coarser brushes:

I drew this around early 2018. A lot of improvement! Still quite a lot of negative space (empty white backgrounds), but it fits this work. A few things tell where we are (the ship’s cabin and the balcony). Changing distances and how things are cropped/framed make things more moving and focused (and less to draw, lol). Colours and brush strokes are softer, more layered and so on.

But guess why it’s still a wip!

I couldn’t decide what bird is flying over there.

Yeap! At first it was an albatross (doesn’t go to Bahamas?). Then a seagull (but which seagull? there’s so many subspecies! Is the ship at sea or at the harbour? what birds are there on the open water/ close to the shore?? oh noo...) So, yeah, wayyyy too much over-thinking.

At some point I ended up with white-tailed-tropic-bird which was a plus! because it sounds like the bosun’s whistle, but at that point I was so tangled and frustrated and still had so much to finish with this that I left it be. Also Flint’s face looks different in every frame so I would’ve had to change some parts, lol. And then I forgot it for a couple of years! And then I had learned to draw a bit differently and again saw too much things to do, so it’s quite hard to take on this again, especially when there are so many other interesting wips waiting...

But I still really like the feeling of it! And the colour scheme. So I might just limit the things I’m allowed to fix and then post it as it own someday. I mean, it’s 90% finished, but the last reach just feels like miles.

And that’s what usually happens with my wips. They reach a certain point and it suddenly becomes really hard to finish or get back into.

But every time I learn things and then use the information in another work! :D

Final note for this post (altough this has been said hundreds of times): use references and look how things go and try to see the structure and form beneath things. And think where it is happening and how the light and surroundings affects the characters and/or spaces. And maybe think what you’re trying to convey with the art, what idea? what emotions? what purpose? or like, what are you trying to learn with the piece? and so on...

Thanks for checking this out, I hope you had fun <3

[franeridart]

Do you care for any of the dekusquad?

I care for most if not all hero-related characters in bnha! But if with care you mean if any dekusquad member is between my favorite characters/if I care enough about any of them to draw them more than once every blue moon, then my Todoroki tag might tip you off, there lol

Anon said:Will you ever draw Bakukamikiri again? I rlly loved how you did them!!

Thank you!!! And I think I will, though I don’t have any project to do so in the near future, sorry!

Anon said:Soo KyouHaba day (6/16) is coming up and was wondering if you could do some seijoh next gen stuff. Yahaba is often forgot about a and Kyoutani isn’t really included in a lot of Aoba Johsai stuff. Feel free to not do anything just suggesting something

Aw sorry anon but I don’t have the time to do day-themed stuff right now! KyoHaba is currently the hq ship I’m most likely to draw for, though, since they’re the only ones I’m still reading fics for! So I don’t think any will come around 6/16, but I don’t exclude I might draw them anyway in the near future! :D

Anon said:Omg your taking part in a zine!! I’m so excited! And it’s a BakuSquad one too! Ik I’m definitely going to be buying it when pre-orders open up!

I’m taking part in TWO zines, actually!! Both the @takemyhandzine and the @sixthwheelzine !!!!! I’ll be making comics for both, and if you do decide to buy either I really hope you’ll like them!!!!

Anon said:whats a zine?

In general, a zine is an amatorially published magazine! Specifically tho here we’re talking about fanzines, so magazines put together and published by fans for other fans! The ones I’m taking part in are both about kiribaku, and will include both fanart (fancomics included) and fanfics! Depending on how much you wish to spend on it, you can also buy a bundle with fanmade merch too, and the Sixth Wheel zine is gonna have a pdf version too, in case you’d prefer to buy it like that! They’re super cool projects I’m insanely happy I got invited to take part in!!!!

Anon said:Your art style is so pretty and I love to see your amazing bnha drawing on my dash

There is literally no way I could ever stop being into d gray man ever and I’m also still following hq’s manga, yes! I dunno if and when I’ll draw for either fandom next, tho, sorry! ;^;

Anon said:Everytime you draw kiribaku I gain 1 life,,,,, tysm I love ur art SM ur such an inspiration,,,💖💖💖

Oh my g o d s thank you so much ;^;

Anon said:Your Kiridragon is the cutest, I love him and want Katsuki to protect him forever. Thank you for sharing that last story with us!!! (Ps. Can we expect more Kiridragon adventures in the future? *puppy eyes*)

Thank you for liking him!!!!!! And if you’re talking about the fantasy AU in general, I’ll 100% for sure draw more for it! If you’re talking about them as kids tho I can’t say for sure - I definitely want to, tho, right now!! ;^;

Anon said:As a suggestion, could you maybe do Kiri*Deku, whether it be romantic, platonic, or misinterpreted by Bakugou and he takes Kirishima because that’s his sunshine boy thank you very much, get your own

Aw anon sorry but krdk is…………. really not my thing, so I don’t take suggestions for it ;-; I might end up doodling them in the future anyway since I have in the past, but that’s only gonna be if I find an idea I really really really wanna draw, I’m sorry

Anon said:Just wanted to say that I love your art and I just went through a majority of your blog. But I noticed you used to draw erasermic but haven’t recently and I was wondering if you still ship it??? It’s okay if you don’t or if you just haven’t gotten the inspiration recently, I’m just curious. Anyways, keep doing what you do and being amazing

Thank youuuu!!!!! And I’ve actually always drawn erasermic super sporadically! They’re one of my main ships in the fandom honestly, but since they’re sorta hard to draw for me I rarely end up drawing them? I do still love them with all my heart tho! You can expect to see more of them in the future, for sure ;u;

Anon said:I came for my kiribaku fix (it HAD to be him I’m dying all over again) but. God ur art always blows me tf away ur so good and skilled and ur improvement in like… everything inspires me SO much so bless u and I hope u have a WONDERFUL day

I’m so glad I can inspire anyone, oh my g o o o o o o d ;O; thank you so so much!!!!

Anon said:Wow your dragon kiribaku art is so cute! Will there be a sequel!

Not for the immediately after, for now! Since Horikoshi is yet to give me the official design for Kiri’s mom //sob - but as I said up there I do want to draw more with them as kids in the fantasy AU, so maybe, yeah!!!

Anon said:I absolutely love EVERY SINGLE facial expression that Bakugou makes in your Fantasy Babies comic strip. He’s such an unapologetic little shit.

THANK YOU!!!!! I was mostly trying to convey the fact that he’s too young to think about the consequences of his actions before doing stuff like calling the rage of a dragon mom upon his city l m a o glad you liked him!!! :D

Anon said:The way you draw the baby bois has me weak 💖💕❤️💗💞💓💝 That baby dragon Kiri 💯💯💯💖💖💖😊😊😊

Thank you so muuuuuucccchhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:EYYYYY! Love your art, the newest comic made me laugh so hard that I almost chocked to death :D (Jk, I just couldn’t breathe normally) God bless youuuuuuuuuu

I’m SUPER HAPPY it made you laugh!!!!!! heck!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;^;

Anon said:You content makes my heart go doki doki doki doki doki

THANK!!!! YOU!!!!! SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:the way you draw wings is so cool, i love it. your art is just amazing in ggeneral to be honest, like akjdjkhdlkdl

AAAAHHHHHHHH I’M HAPPY YOU LIKE THEM I have so much fun drawing them, honestly!!!

Anon said:I love the fact that mina and kiri are cannonically childhood friends (middle school counts as childhood right??) Like I love their friendship so much and they both deserve the world.

Real, they’re adorable and I wish Horikoshi would actually have them interact a bit more in the manga, since as for now their scenes together are pretty much non-existent aside from their backstory ;^;

Anon said:THEY ANIMATED IT!!! THE HAND GRAB!!! IT’S IN MOVING COLOUR!!!

HELL YES I DIED IT’S BEEN NEARLY A WEEK AND I’M STILL DYING WHAT A BEAUTIFUL TIME TO BE ALIVE

Anon said:You with your beautiful beautiful art and Chonideno with her beautiful beautiful writing about Kiri and Bakugou makes my heart so happy and warm and just… Thank you for existing and love Kiribaku! I don’t know, your art makes me so happy

Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy what an honor to be put at the same level as mag ;^; I love her and her writing so much, honestly !!!!!! thank you so so much for the compliment, anon!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:Kirishima braiding his hair while he talks is both adorable and relatable. Thank you for that.

I’m!!!! mostly happy you caught it hahahaha thank you !!!!!!

Anon said:Hey. You seem insecure but your art is great. What kind of color scheme do you see for Hawks?

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I honestly don’t like thinking about stuff I think Hori will give me in canon soon enough? But out of instincts I mostly imagined him in shades of brown, I think - typical birds of prey and/or aviator colors, you know!

Anon said:I love ur drawings but i also love reading ur tag. They re so funny sometimes

lmao that’s good too!! As long as I can make people enjoy a couple of moments of their time I don’t really mind how I do it hahaha

Anon said:your art is beautiful anfndfnd

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said:Hello fran, just wanted to say i’ve been here for a long long time (since the h/q times :‘o) and today i was thinking about some of your old art and if you remember, you had a soulmates au for b/n/h/a that was super good and i really loved so i wanted to tell you!! You as an artist have such an impact on me and that au is my fave of yours!! ;0; have the nicest day ever!! -soulmates anon (4 future ref!!!)

OH MAN I’m so happy to hear you still remember that one?? It was such a fun experiment to play around with, I’m glad you liked it this much!!!! Thank you for telling me omg !!!!! ;^;

Anon said:Hi, so where did you go to watch Haikyuu (I’m assuming probably Crunchyroll but ya never know) and where might I find the dubbed version?

Aw anon sorry I don’t watch the dubbed version! Since I’m Italian, I don’t really have much use for the English dubs haha I’m pretty sure you can find it on kissanime, tho!

Anon said:could you briefly go through the process of making and completing one of your comics? I wanted to start some short bnha comics but idk where to start, thank you!

Sorry this took me an age to answer - I have answered this question a while back, I think it might be in my art tips tag! But to go through it fast, my process is something like

find a line or an exchange I want to deliver, or a topic I want discussed (usually happens randomly as I’m doing other things)

spend a million years just staring at a wall or at my ceiling or anything else as I build a whole scene in my mind to have the lines or topic take the form of an actual comic (might take two minutes, might take a month)

draw a rough sketch of the whole comic - I do this with all panels (and pages, when I separate a comic in pages) on the same canvas, so that I can look at the whole scene all together and get a good sense of the general flow of the storytelling. This process includes cutting panels, moving panels around, reshaping panels, trying different poses and angles for the same panels to find the right one, writing and deleting and re-writing lines till I’m sure the wording is what I’m going for*

line the panels - I mean the actual panels, the straight lines delimitating the panel, I line them all first and put them on a separate layer

line the people!! All the characters in every panel are lined in this stage

line the backgrounds! In case there are backgrounds and the comic is meant to stay in black and white, if not then color the backgrounds! (I always start coloring from the backgrounds cause they’re the boring parts and if I leave them for last I never do them ever #rip)

in case of black and white comics, we fill in flat, gray-scale colors at this point (or, as I’ve lately started doing, I only put down shadows and leave it at that). If it’s in colors, we color the people!

Write down the dialogue!! *at this point we change a lot of the dialogue again because enough time has passed since I sketched it that I changed my mind on everything, don’t be like me

you’re done!

All of it is done on one single canvas, unless it’s a comic with separate paneled pages in which case they’re all done on their own canvas but still drawn all together. That’s about it, hope it was at least a little bit useful!

Anon said:Hi! I just wanted to thank you for your art, especially your KiriBaku. I was exactly in the same situation than Bakugou in the post tagged “bakugou being blunt about his feelings” (except we are 2 girls) , so I used it to confess to her. She said yes! X3

OH MY GOD I’m so super happy to hear that!!!!! Congrats on your gf, anon!!!!!! *throws hearts at u*

[resbang-bookclub]

AMA Transcript: Tenderly Touched by the Massively Muscled

For our next AMA, @sandmancircus, @peregr1ne & @sojustifiable (Amanda on Discord) stopped by to chat about their Resbang, Tenderly Touched by the Massively Muscled! Here’s some of what went down:

*Please be advised that this AMA contains spoilers!*

Q:  What inspired the title? :D

Sand: I wanted something touching and relatable.

Q: Which was the hardest scene for you to write, do you think?

Sand: The last battle scene was hard, just coordinating everything and getting it down so it was smooth.

Peregrine: You did so good, it was a whole lot of characters to keep track of.

Q: Artist-chan/kuns, what made you pick the scenes you chose to art for?

Amanda: Ahh, I guess it was just things where the image stuck out and I felt like I needed to see it. With Eruka's tantrum scene, I also thought it would fit well with the style I wanted to use, with lots of swirly swirls and dramatic colors.

Peregrine: Well, for my first I wanted to do like a good intro iconic scene, so their first meeting was a good choice to set the stage and such. For the other two, I just wanted to do cool group shots because I wanted to draw all the characters but not 10 different pictures. Especially the last picture, I just really like drawing like… ‘epic’ scenes.

Q: Sand, what was your writing process like?

Sand: Uh, for this Resbang I mostly wrote in chronological order, which is unusual for me. When I had time, I just sat down and stared at the screen until something came out. I also kept a joke doc for jokes I wanted to use.

Q: Speaking of jokes, can you explain dog farting all the time?

Sand: Farts are funny.

Q: LOL. Do you have any funny/iconic comments that betas or artists left that you want to share?

Sand: Kat kept getting mad every time a penis happened. A bunch of "I’m too ace for this."

Amanda: Same.

Sand: Also the pinching of the clover got a bunch of yells.

Q: What was the inspo behind the pomegranates?

Sand: The pomegranates were just a throwback to the original myth.

Q: How did you come up with Soul's role in your fic? I thought it was really cool and imaginative.

Sand: I thought it would be funny if Soul was a soul, like Dog is a dog.

Q: What inspired so much peen? Cause like, there's much peen.

Peregrine: Sarah thinks dicks are funny.

Sand: I honestly can’t remember why I chose to write him as a nudist. I just think it’s a nice role reversal having the man be hyper sexualized.

Q: Somewhat related: how was it writing the smexies!!! And will we see more smexies????

Sand: The smexies were very hard to write, would not recommend. Will maybe try again in future.

Q: Also, for the artists -- how long did you spend on each piece?

Amanda: The first piece too a long time cuz I used masking fluid and had to wait a long time for different layers to dry to do details. The other pieces I did more quickly just because of the style. The time taken mostly depends on waiting time which there is less of if you do everything wet.

Peregrine: I don't remember how long I spent on my pieces because I break them up a lot? Usually I'll spend a while doing the rough sketch because I'll move things around and erase the whole thing and start over a lot because if it doesn’t feel dynamic super rough, it's not going to look good when I clean it up. That takes a while to plan out I guess, but it’s also the funnest part because I can draw a lot more freely. I'll usually then leave it for a day to see if it's still solid later and then lineart can take anywhere from 3 hours to like a week depending on how frustrating it is, and then I usually colour in a day (by a day I usually mean like 3 or 4 hours because that’s how much time I’m usually able to spend when I have time to draw). But yeah idk, in general pics usually take me like 3 days unless they're group shots, like 2 of these were, because lineart takes forever.

Q: Were there any scenes that came out way differently than you'd initially planned?

Sand: The whole fic changed as I wrote it tbh, which usually happens with me. I have an original idea of what things will be like, and it gradually shifts and alters to become something new, or at least very different.

Q: Has anyone already asked you what inspired this bad boi???? I remember there was an art.

Sand: Yeah I did art for Freeruka a year and a half ago for Freeruka week which was supposed to be for the prompt "myth". The idea just stuck.

Q: Which was your favorite scene?

Sand: My fave scene was probably the one where Eruka got back talked by Free because of her stalking after she went bananas.

Q: Amanda did you have a fave piece between the three?

Amanda: I think Eruka's tantrum scene was my favorite to do and fave as an end product, though that free style of painting in general is really fun.

Sand: That was also the piece that we got to see Free's booty.

Peregrine: It was an interesting challenge for us artists to draw for this fic trying to position the characters so we wouldn’t have to draw a dick.

Sand: Amanda threatened to leave if I described her art as sezual.

Peregrine: But yeah, it was very deliberate for every piece like 'alright how do I draw this scene without Little Free?'

Q: Where did your inspo for Jackson come from???????

Sand: I needed a sassy side character, and he just kinda grew into something super fun to write. And it’s very hard to write a character without arms, so I gave him arms.

Q: How did you come up with the mythos? It was a neat spin. I liked that the positions got filled when someone dies.

Sand: Well, I needed a reason to call Eruka ‘Eruka’ and not ‘Hades,’ so it turned out to be more of a title, which led to "oh, well then could someone else be hades," and it kinda grew and grew from there.

Q: Kinda in love with Maka as new Zeus, not gonna lie.

Sand: That was actually Pere's addition.

Peregrine: I based Maka's outfit off one of the ones from the Wonder Woman movie that’s Zeusy and she was part of Zeus's crew and after Zeus died the position was open so I suggested it to Sarah because I thought it would give some good closure - and also Maka as Zeus would be super badass.

Q: Was there a scene that was really surprisingly easy to write?

Sand: The opening scene was really easy to write, surprisingly. It kinda all just flowed out really well and really easily.

Q: What drew/draws you to Freeruka?

Sand: I love Eruka, I like that she's sassy and that she's a morally grey character and that she's a complete coward, and I love her dynamic with Free. He's this big macho guy who is incredibly loyal and also a bit of a klutz and is a fucking WEREWOLF (heyo!) and they just mesh really well in this weird way that I adore. Witches are cool, wolves are cool, smoosh them together please.

Q: Is there anything you wish you could've done differently?

Sand: I think I would've liked to give them more time to get to know each other before everything goes down - at least a few months, just to make their connection more believable. But time, man.

Q: Pere did you have a favorite piece??

Peregrine: I think I like how the first pic came out the best. It's a nice standalone. But the last battle scene was the funnest to do because I just like drawing action poses and snarls the best.

Q: What are you working on next?

Sand: Nothing so far.

Peregrine: Uhhh Reverb I guess? Right now I'm doing a commission tho.

Q: For Peregrine: Do you feel like you grew in your art skills through this bang? If so, how?

Peregrine: Uhhh not really? I think I grow in my skills by doing experimental pieces but I don't do experimental stuff when it's like for someone else, I do that on my own time. The stuff I did for this was the kind of stuff I just always do.

Q: Doing Resbang next year Sarah????    

Sand: Unfortunately, I probably will be suffering again, yes.

[a chorus of cheers]

---

Thanks to the team for stopping by! More transcripts coming soon!

[stillsolo]

for the first in a while, I'm gonna ... try to take it easy, today.  

I actually have a lot to do but I really need to chill the fuck out for a second and take a breather.  my OCD's made my life remarkably difficult lately and I've begun to disassociate in order to cope.  I know disassociation plays a key role in obsessive-compulsive disorders; I know my OCD's fairly severe and it's been getting worse as I get older, but I'm not...usually this bad.  Even when under stress.

for example, a batch of 200 commissioned banner icons suddenly turns into 400+, and I'm still not done because I can't stop keep remaking them.  

oh, this one's coloring is off. but these frames are split second to each other ... can't have that, gotta redo 'em. 

 wait, the pixels are...'weird' looking in the corner, here.  rejected.

this one could've been cropped way better.  how could I expect them to use this?

why is this one in the 'final version' folder when the border around it overlapped a part of the icon?

I need to redo these 73 because the shadow is too dark and blocky beneath the icon.  it’s supposed to be a fade.  it’s what they ordered and you’re not giving them what they asked for. 

someone's paying you for this shit get it TOGETHER

yesterday, my OCD got triggered about 3 times?  I have a couple of forms.  I had a breakdown in front of my mother after she came home and asked me if I ate and I know I must've made some kinda stupid face that gave it away because seconds after she'd asked, I realized I didn't know what the hell ate other than the toast she'd watched me eat before she left for work at 9am.  It was 11pm when she asked.  

I also had mini-breakdown while talking to my customer and it was terribly embarrassing.  I got a nosebleed to top it all off too lmao  ( i'm so sorry if you're reading this, john omfg you've been the best to me and I'm sorry because I'm sure all you'd wanted was icons to rp sdfkjsd )

but I just. 

All of my friends think OCD is just me having high ass standards or just being 'know-it-all'.  I've been called that all my life.  In fact, I've been called that by friends I thought would never say anything like that about me because I thought we were friends

We live in this new age of 'awkward is cute'.   It's hip to be square, cool to be uncool, and sexy to be nerdy and quirky.  and there isn’t any better way to declare your individuality and weirdness than branding yourself 'so OCD' about something.  

Ahaha.

I fucking loathe people who do this.

OCD isn't a quirk or a set of tendencies.  It's not fucking buzzf.eed list, not a little buzzf.eed quiz you can take and readily relate to the results; it's an incapacitating, isolating disease that makes you afraid of your own mind.

If my friends could see, just once, what it's like for me, when I'm caught in an obsessive-compulsive loop, maybe then they'd finally understand me when I say ''''it's bad''''.

Even Something as simple as drawing a line-art from a sketch turns into a complete and total nightmare.  8/10 times, I'll redraw the line-art like — hm, I don' dunno — about 7 fuckin' times in a row, then, delete all of it because IDK, it wasn't 'right'?  ( Who am i kidding; I do the same with sketches ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ  )

Oh, yeah, for sure.  Me and my ‘high fucking standards' did this.

NO.  No one in their right mind would do this.  They wouldn’t re-draw the same fucking drawing 7 times in a row and the same layer style over and over, not even changing things up to maybe get some progress.      Nobody.  Jfc.

And oh, god, that moment when you realize, it's been more than 8/9 hrs since you began and you haven't eaten or drank anything; you don't remember the last time you looked at your phone or what the hell happened to the time because last time you looked, it was 11am and now it’s 9:48pm.

Moreover, you made exactly zero progress on your project — because IDK — there’s no valid reason?  JUST COULDN'T STOP HA

I never thought I would talk about this, but uh, Y'all know how much I love han.  I want Han to be seen in the best light possible.  while SW has been one of the few things that have held a light in my life, he's helped me become a better person in more ways than I can articulate.  and no, I don't mean I suddenly started picking trash up off the highways.

I mean, by writing him in this amazing place filled with people I don’t have IRL who share my interests, I’ve met so many new people, friends, learned so many lessons, about characters and life and writing.  

When I began writing Han, here, I had just learned what present and past tense was in English.  I was winging my writing, trying really hard to understand.  English isn't my first language.  In Cantonese, my native language, there's no such thing as a past tense.  

By writing Han with you guys, I've taken huge steps in life, without even realizing it. 

So, everything I do for han, I want for it to be good.  

Not outstanding, and definitely not exemplary or nonpareil — just ... good. 

And icons — haha.  I love icons.  I love and hate making them.  similar to my writing, I work very hard on his icons.  ... but I need to learn where to draw the line.  

I once remade an icon 23 times before I was happy with it.  ( i had 23 versions left in my folder lmao ).  like these here?  10 versions of each, in the least. 

( the last one is kinda an exception... I think.  I made that one well over 25 times, for sure.  but I think it's because I'm not accustomed to Blaine's coloring yet. ) 

Wow, this really turned into a long post.  I don't really care, though.  My OCD is something that has always been completely ignored IRL.  Shit, it's ignored by even my online friends.  I can't even game online without one of them thinking I must get off on establishing my superiority and overall knowledge of '???’ game.  Haha.

'Show me your build?' :D 'Er...nah. I think I'll pass.' 'Why?  What's the matter?' 'You'll pick it apart.'

It's never considered 'advice' when it's from me.  It's me as a know-it-all, as someone who looks down on others for not having up-to-par stats. 

I'm sorry I did the math for you so you wouldn't have to.  This is simply advice you're free to toss aside, but it's not like it matters.  Even if I reassured that—you're already too annoyed to listen for any longer.

So, I’ll also apologize for how I can recall faction modifiers, body part modifiers, critical hit and stealth modifiers, as well as debuffs; how a certain amount of damage of one type turns into inflicted damage to a target while considering type modifiers and armor, and knowing the damage formulas needed to calculate the number of hit points required to kill an armored or unarmored target, with or without a finisher multiplier figured in — because I want you to do the very best with your weapon of choice, even though I can name 5 different weapons that utterly outclass it by tenfold. 

In reality, I never had much of choice.  Information like that doesn't stop looping in my mind, even at night, when all I want is to sleep.

Sometimes ... I wish I could be that one character on a comedy show who has a quirky disorder or ''OCD'' and everyone seems to love him for it because he's funny when he does it or he's generally helpful 

More often than not, my OCD just ruins everything.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I need to take a breather.

[holy-quinity]

Digital Painting: tips for beginners

Heyo! I got asked if I could make a tutorial on digital painting so I’m gonna throw together some advice meant for people who are starting out and want to figure out exactly how this stuff all works. Because it’s hard! What I hope to accomplish here is to make painting more approachable for you.

Firstly, I have put together something like this before, so for archival purposes here it is: http://holy-quinity.tumblr.com/post/89594801811/i-dont-know-how-much-of-this-kind-of-thing-you

For those of you who don’t wanna bother reading that, here are the main points:

1. Learn your program and its tools, from brush properties to layer styles. And I mean learn them. Make a cheatsheet that shows you exactly what each button and scale does, both in isolation and in conjunction with other buttons and scales. Refer to this as much as possible until it is intuitive. The end goal is to know exactly what to do to your brush’s settings to achieve a given effect.

2. It’s perfectly okay to use your sketches, linearts, and other forms of line in your paintings. They can help guide the form and there’s no need to make something fully “lineless”! I never make things “lineless.”

3. Study other people’s art and try to think how they could have possibly achieved the effects they did. You can learn a lot just by observing and mentally recreating the process stroke by stroke---muscle memory is a powerful tool at your disposal. This becomes easier to do once you’ve started doing item 1 above.

OKAY!

So where the heck do you even begin?

What I’m gonna do is try to make digital painting as approachable as possible for someone who’s never really done it. The main idea here is that digital painting is just like real painting. So if you’ve ever done real painting, you already kinda know what’s coming.

I’m gonna assume you know the basics of digital art: you can sketch, line those sketches using layers and opacity changes, and fill the lines with color, maybe even opting to add some shading...and you’ll get something like this:

You know, cell-shaded, or maybe the shading’s blended, but you’ve still obviously a line drawing with color put down on layers beneath the lines.

The next intuitive step is to try going “lineless”...but when you remove the lines you get this:

idk about you but I’m laughing at how stupid this looks

When I was first teaching myself to paint digitally, I didn’t really know how to deal with this. Without lines, the form of the subject vanished or became a mess like the above. Even if I was meticulous and careful about placing down the color such that without the lines layer turned on, the shapes fit together, it didn’t look quite right. There’d be gaps, I wouldn’t know how to incorporate the subject into a background, the contrast wouldn’t be high enough, or it’d just in general look too much like a screenshot from Super Mario 64.

Painting requires a different process than the above. You’ll have to let go of some of your habits and conventions. Such as staying in the lines. Such as fully relying on the lines. Like, I love my lines, I love my sketches---but in painting, they are guides for form, and are not the form itself. So let me go through how I approach a given painting:

My painting process starts with a sketch (here a boring portrait for demonstrative purposes). I make the opacity of the sketch layer something like 30%, and then throw down my base colors on a new layer underneath. I’m not being meticulous about the sketch itself, because again it’s just meant to guide my placement of color. I’m also not meticulous about my placement of the color.

We’re essentially sketching with color. Because ultimately what we want is for the color to take on the form and shapes conveyed by the sketch.

There’s a lot going into this about how to use value, how to shade, how to use color, etc. that I’m kinda skipping over because it takes a lot of time to explain...but there are hundreds of tutorials out there on those topics so please, google around! I found some helpful tuts that way when I was starting out.

Something I find v useful is to keep selecting colors that already exist in your image for shading and hue adjustment. This is why I start with really blendy, low-opacity brushes when throwing down color on top of the background. I can then select colors within there that are a mix of the two.

For instance, I’ll select the color of the lines here:

...and use that to shade:

And maybe I’ll select one of the darker shades around his eye, but not the darkest, to make the shading a smoother gradient...and so on.

What I do in general at this point is go over the shapes and lines of the sketch. Such that I can turn off the sketch layer and see this:

I’m replacing the lines with shading and value. I’ll continue to do this as I keep adding color.

This is all super loose. I am not dedicated to any particular stroke. I just want the colors and shading and light source to be right. I’ll use overlay layers to boost contrast or add a hue.

Here are other examples where I used this process:

I am constantly changing brushes and brush settings as I paint. It really depends on what effect I want where. I am also constantly selecting new colors and applying or blending those in. I don’t believe in having some uniformly applied base color and then shading with only one or two...that’s what I’d do if I was cell-shading like the first drawing I showed you here, but painting should be about messing with color and opacity and blending to make millions of hues!

Good rule of thumb: Hard, opaque brushes for applying color. Soft, dilute brushes for blending colors. Sometimes hard, dilute brushes can make some cool blending effects! I personally prefer harder edges on my shading so that’s a brush I use often.

This is getting a bit long so I’m gonna split it up into multiple parts, but really what I want you to get from this is:

1. learn the tools at your disposal until they are intuitive

2. sketch and line are guides for form, not the form itself

3. rather, hue and value will produce the form

And of course, practice makes perfect!!! Every drawing you make, every painting you make, will bring you one step closer to the artist you want to be, and thus every drawing and every painting, no matter what, is a success.

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth