#maybe its the autism but i always related to him a lot

[neodiekido]

y'know what kiibo SHOULD sue for robophobia. he just wanted to make friends and they were rude as hell to him for no reason

[d33pd3sire-blog]

The Air That I Breathe Part 2

The long awaited part 2! Lemme know if you want a part 3 :)

This is an Emily Prentiss x F!Reader. Angsty, with a happy ending.

Warnings: Injurys, reader goes nonverbal, hospital environment, mention of blood, IV, breathing tube, bruises. Let me know if I've missed anything out.

Id just like to mention that I don't have autism or anything related but I do tend to stop talking when I'm stressed or experience things that can be traumatic, and this is how I feel when that happens so I do not claim to be an expert in this area

Character count: 8865, bit of a long one haha

Any suggestions are always welcome! Please enjoy :)

*--*--*--*--*--*

Soft beeping is ringing in your ears as your mind starts to clear, although you have no idea where you are. Numbness starting to wear off, causing you to groan in pain. Why does everything hurt? You think. Once the event flashes through your mind you remember. All of it. Your eyes shot open, the room spinning and your mind running at a million miles a second. Where am I? Where's Reid? What happened to the others? You try to get up from the bed you're laying on but something heavy is holding you down. Your eyes and ears start to finally adjust to the world around you and you notice Hotch's arms holding you down. He's repeating 'Calm down. You're okay. You need to stop moving.' You're still a little confused, 'I.. I need to help them!' you croaked. Hotch grabs your face, 'Look at me. They're alive.' Those words repeat in your head, keeping you grounded. Theyre alive. 'They're hurt but they're alive. If you hadn't of called us when you did it could've been a lot worst.' You barely let him finish before spitting out 'I need to see them.' Hotch shakes his head at you. 'Not right now, you need to rest.' You roll your eyes at him, how can he say that? 'I can't rest.' You spit at him. He ignores the attitude, he knows its not directed at him specifically. 'I promise as soon as you're able I will take you to see them.' Your expression softens, you know there's no point in arguing with him. Your body relaxes, Hotch releasing his grip.

*--*--*--*--*--*

Your eyes blink open, great. I fell asleep. You think. You look around, squinting at the harsh light to see that no one is here. This is actually perfect. You hatch a plan in your head, the hope of seeing the others at the forefront of your mind. You take a breath, gripping the handles at the side of your bed and lift yourself up. The pain causing you to groan, but you push through. The heart rate monitor attached to your chest is ripped off, causing the machine to flatline. You roll your eyes before switching it off. 'Thats enough of that' you scoff. Once your legs are ready to step down, you grab your IV pole to keep you up. That's the hardest part over with, you thought. As you start to walk, your legs feel stiff and crackly, making you hiss in pain. I can do this. You check the coast is clear from your room's window, before slipping out. Now, to go left or right? You look towards each direction, trying to decide which one calls you the most. Choosing left, you stumble to the next door from your room. As you take a peak in the window, your eyes gaze upon a sleeping Spencer with a slight smile on his face. Maybe he's dreaming. Your eyes drift to Garcia sitting in the chair next to him, seeming to play a game on her laptop. The sight makes you smile internally, he's okay.

A few seconds go by and you know he is going to be okay, so you move along to find the other two. Your feet is sore but you tell yourself to keep going. Luckily, the next room wasn't too far from Reid's. You approach the next room, finding Morgan reading this weeks American Health and Fitness Magazine. Some relief fills your heart when your eyes settle on him. He looks up, smiling, and waving you in. You use this opportunity to enter his room. 'Hey mama. You look like you've been hit by a bomb.' You attempt to laugh. 'Are you.. okay?' He smiles, 'Of course I am, i'm always okay.' You put your arm on your hip and give him a look. 'I'm serious, those cuts on your face don't seem fine.' 'I promise you, if something was seriously wrong id tell you. Just some smoke inhalation, Emily had the worst of it.' His face drops, realising what he said. 'Shit.' He could tell by your face that your heart had sank. 'Look-' 'Where is she?' You interrupted. 'I don't think that's a good I-' He tries to calm you down. 'I don't care what you think, where the hell is she??' He notices that you aren't backing down, and nods his head to the right. 'Just past your room, but I wouldn't mama.' You ignore him and walk out of his room.

The adrenaline pumping through your veins, the pain from earlier is at the furthest part of your mind. Not needing the IV pole to keep you up anymore, you rip the needle out and leave it hanging there. You couldn't care about anything except Emily right now. Your mind is racing, expecting the worst. You finally reach her room and you hesitate with your hand on the handle of the door. Morgan in your head telling you not to. 'I told you to rest.' you jump, turning to face the voice. Hotch is looking at you with worry. He takes your arm and wipes the blood you didn't notice from the ex needle site. 'You're not ready to be up and walking.' Your eyes start to water before practically begging, 'Hotch, I need to see her.' He looks at you, using his annoying profiler eyes. 'Please.' He sighs, before saying 'Fine. But before you do I need to tell you that she's doing okay, she's improving. Just remember that before you see her.' His words give you chills. How bad is she? you think. You take a deep breath before turning the handle and limping in.

The sight you walked in on was nothing like you had expected. Purple bruises swirled on one side of her face, you can tell which side the blast met her on. Your eyes trailed to the tube in her throat, helping her to breath. You take a sharp breath in, realising you had been holding your breath the whole time. 'Oh em..' You hobble to her side, hesitating slightly before taking her hand in yours. The touch between you and her forces the tears you've been holding to fall. Before you know it you're sobbing, your legs finally giving out. Hotch pulls you into him, trying to calm you down. He lifts you from the floor and carries you back to your room. He tries to comfort you, but there's only so much he can do.

A few hours later and the crying subsides, you're exhausted. The image of Emily imprinted in the back of your eyes. Every time you close your eyes, you're back in that room staring at Emily and the tube in her mouth. She can't breath on her own. How did we not predict this happening? How did I not predict this happening? The amount of time I spent reading through the file, profiling every inch of the unsub and yet we still got hurt. While your mind is racing, you didn't even realise JJ had entered the room. She asked you how you were but when you thought about replying there was no energy to say anything. The idea of even talking was too overwhelming right now so you just nodded. Anything else she said went in one ear and out the other. You weren't ignoring her per say, you just could not stop thinking about Emily. You're such an idiot, what if she dies and you never told her you loved her? Will you ever get the chance? You eventually fall asleep, not caring how long for. You just needed to rest and not be awake for a while.

*--*--*--*--*--*

Your eyes blink open, surprisingly you didn't dream. It felt like nothing, but a good nothing. Garcia is sitting on the chair opposite you, playing, you're assuming, the same game on her laptop from Reids room. Once you try to move, your whole body feels like it hasn't moved in hours. You groan. Garcia shoots up from her chair 'Oh my god! You're awake! How do you feel? Are you okay? Ill get the doctor.' You grab her hand before she leaves, holding it. Needing her to ground you, even if it only helps a little. She looks back, watching. your face for any changes. 'Hey, I have some good news.' You look at her, furrowing your brows. 'Emily is breathing on her own now. She doesn't need the tube anymore.' She smiles at you with this grin, like everything in the world is okay. There's a slight relief, she's doing better. But she still isn't awake. You grip the bar next to you, determined to get up. Garcia getting worried. 'Oh baby, don't get up you've been asleep for 18 hours. You need to pace yourself.' 18 hours?? You look at her in disbelief, although you feel well rested, you still haven't got the energy to say anything. 'Your body needed the rest, you still need more. What you went through was traumatic and horrific, please don't push yourself even more than you have.' You muster up all the energy you can find to force out 'I.. I need to.. See her.' you croaked. Garcia is shocked at how determined you are. 'Fine, ill help you. I don't like it! But there's no stopping you is there?' You shake your head, giving her the best smile you can muster. 'Stay here. Ill get you a wheelchair.'

The anxiety in your stomach starts to bubble as Penelope pushes you closer and closer to Emilys room. What if she doesn't wake up? What if she does wake up but her brain is all damaged? What if?- The door opens and you're pushed to the side of Emilys bed. Your eyes start to tear up again when you see her. What is it about this woman that always seems to push me over the edge? You take her hand in yours and rest your head on an empty bit of her bed. Tears are falling slowly, but you're just glad to be here with her. Please come back - you think. There's so much I haven't told you and so much we haven't done yet. 'Ill leave you alone for a while' Pen says, getting a feeling this isn't just a friendly exchange. You sit there for what feels like hours, silently begging Emily to come back. Before you knew it, you had fallen asleep again, the scent of her always calmed you down.

*--*--*--*--*--*

You felt hands playing with your hair, you humming at the touch. You open your eyes slightly, forgetting where you were for a split second until it all became clear again. You sat up with such haste, it made Emily jump slightly. 'Did you know you kind of snore when you sleep?' She smiled at you. The disbelief and excitement of Emily being awake and making sense has you shooting up to hug her. As you wrap your arms around her your eyes tear up again. She's awake! You notice Emily wrapping her arms around your waist, sending a shock up your spine. Once you both eventually release, she realises you're crying. 'Hey.. hey, love what's wrong?' You look at her with such love and relief it finally gives you the courage to confess your deepest secret with her. 'I thought you were gonna die. I thought I wouldn't be able to tell you the things I've always wanted to tell you.' She looks at you with attentiveness. 'I love you Emily. I always have and I always will. Every time I look at you I think I fall a little more in love if that's even possible? The only thing keeping me from falling apart completely has been you. Even if you were unconscious.' Emily starts to tear up, hearing you confess your feelings. Before anyone could say anything else, Emily grabs your face and pulls you closer to her, pressing her lips to yours. Your shoulders release the tension you didn't know you were harbouring this whole time and relaxes. Your whole body feels like fireworks are going off, you could stay like this forever. Emily pulls away and lifts your chin to look into her eyes. 'You're the best thing that has, and ever will, happen to me. I love you.'

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

@ckhalloween23 heyyyyyy bestie(s) I know I'm an entire-ass month late, BUT

HERE'S A PREVIEW OF THE ELIMETRI DARKFIC I PROMISED

Listen, y'all can't give me a "Serial Killers" prompt and the opportunity to write the dark, unhinged Demetri Alexopoulos of my dreams presented on a silver platter and NOT expect me to go a little apeshit ^^;

Or. A lot apeshit. Because boy did I let this funny little comic relief guy SNAP ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

Also, funnily enough, I realized over the course of the last year or so that I'm probably autistic? For the longest time I held off on writing Hawk's POV because I hc him as autistic and I didn't think I could do him justice, but...I've unlocked this Fun Secret Collector's Item now, I guess XD Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz POV acquired!

Decided to give it a stab here, since him having NO fucking idea how to react to Crazy Demetri was just too much fun. Hawk came to me surprisingly easy once I got started, actually??? I mean I've always related to him a lot but I had no idea it was like. An autism thing. I thought it was just an ND thing akisudhlkuhyfu

Head's up to Tory and Robby stans...this may not be the fic for you. You have been warned 👀

CW for blood, violence, knife-threatening, light knifeplay, toxic relationships (although YMMV), mentions of murder, implied slut-shaming, homophobic slurs, and sexual subtext.

Fic under the cut! As always, moodboard pic credits available upon request :3

***

Hawk’s on his 30th rep when he hears the front door.

He stops mid-jab, the punching bag rattling on its chain as it sways back and forth. Scoffing, he rolls his eyes.

His mom must be home early. How fucking annoying.

He was looking forward to having the house to himself. With his father on a weekend-long business trip and his mother at her Friday night wine hangout, he was finally going to catch up on training without any interruptions.

The last thing he needs is to be outdone by Kyler Park and Robby Fucking Keene.

Hopefully his mom won’t come knocking, pestering him to watch movies or some other frivolous crap. He doesn’t have time for that anymore.

Strange. There’s a notable lack of the jingling and clattering that usually comes from 50 million things being shifted through an oversize purse. Hawk pauses, listening for any noise.

Maybe he imagined it.

“What the hell.” He takes a sip of the Red Bull on his bedside. Some sleep-deprived delirium or whatever it was wasn’t going to fuck up his focus.

Sure, he’s been averaging 5 hours a night, but who gives a shit? It’s not like anyone in high school actually gets enough sleep.

Sensei Kreese said in ‘Nam, they had to be ready to fight on a moment’s notice—geared to slaughter enemies after a mere 30 minutes’ rest in 48 hours. Hawk doesn’t strive for anything less.

The stairs creak.

His mom isn’t usually one for sneaking past his room, but perhaps she’s too tired to be chatty. He thanks the powers that be this seems to be the case, and returns to his reps.

Jab, cross, roundhouse. Jab, cross, roundhouse. Elbow. Knee to the chest.

He counts them out as he goes, power surging through him. Sensei will be sorry he started singing Keene’s praises when Hawk’s a better fighter than that piece of shit ever was.

Because throwing someone off a balcony when they had their guard down was a coward’s move. Typical Miyagi Do bullshit.

God, Hawk hates them. Hypocrites. Losers. Pussies.

He thinks of a new insult every time he lands a punch.

Miguel’s fucking insane for not appreciating what Cobra Kai did to get payback. What Hawk did to get payback.

His fists are starting to ache, fingers burning from being smashed against rubber again and again. Hawk doesn’t care.

Sensei would say the pain makes him stronger.

Jab cross jab cross jab cross jab cross jab cross jab cross jab cross—

“You know, at some point, I think you’re as good as you’re going to get at punching.”

A shadow blocks the hallway light.

Dread grips him in frosty talons. His arms still, the punching bag swinging back and smacking his chest.

He gasps, stumbling back. Still, he refuses to look at the doorway.

Refuses to let Demetri see his shock.

“What the fuck are you doing in my house?”

He presses as much venom into the words as possible. Enough intimidation, and Demetri will back down.

He knows now that Hawk is as real a threat as he ever was. And Demetri’s smart enough not to keep poking at a tiger that’s already mauled him.

“In what world would I not remember where you keep your spare keys?” Demetri sneers.

Well. Maybe that’s a bit generous.

“What do you want?”

Hawk keeps his tone steely, hoping he can kill whatever plans are swimming around his ex-best-friend’s head before they even form. In all likelihood, Demetri’s here to be a nuisance at best and a night-ruiner at worst.

Fucking Demetri. He’s always been such a distraction.

Hawk needs to get rid of those.

He thought he did. But Demetri is apparently either too stupid or too obsessed with the past to be properly scared away.

Irritating, but admittedly also interesting. It shows a kind of boldness that he wouldn’t expect Demetri, of all people, to have.

“Maybe I want to check in on my best friend.” Groaning footfalls as Demetri starts to slowly cross Hawk’s room. “I see you avoiding me at school. And you didn’t even bother to show when your little friends crashed Sam’s party. Perhaps I want to see how you are, hmmmm?”

And try as he might, Hawk can’t pick up the usual sarcastic edge to Demetri’s tone. He frowns at his far wall, confused.

There’s something odd in Demetri’s voice, and Hawk can’t for the life of him pick up what it is.

He still refuses to look at his oldest friend. He’s not going to give him the satisfaction of undivided attention.

Demetri is a pest, and should be treated as such.

“We’re not best friends,” Hawk says tightly, landing another punch on his bag. “Whatever we were? It’s done. Has been for a long time. Why can’t you get that?”

He finally graces Demetri with a look. He’s expecting the usual sullen look—scrunched brow, open mouth, widened eyes. Like he’s eternally surprised Hawk doesn’t need him anymore.

A look where maybe, if he prods it farther, Demetri will storm off. Or run off crying. Be out of Hawk’s sight.

Be somewhere where Hawk doesn’t have to think about that night at Golf N Stuff. Or how it felt to watch Demetri writhe on the floor. Or the streams of vomit that ripped from Hawk’s stomach as soon as he got home.

Or what he did to himself in the wee hours of the morning, when no one—not his mother, not Cobra Kai, not Sensei Kreese—was around to see.

But when Hawk glances over now, Demetri is smiling.

Not a contemptuous sneer, or a pained grimace. A full-on grin, splitting his cheeks and stretching much wider than the situation calls for.

Hawk inhales sharply.

Demetri shakes his head, laughing. “It’s almost endearing, you know. What a tryhard you are.”

He squares his jaw, refusing to budge as Demetri advances on him. “I thought I made it pretty clear what I think about you. You want another reminder?”

Hawk balls his fists, trying not to think about how hard the words are to force out. How hard he’s working to keep the iron shell he’s built around himself intact.

A strange smell hovers around Demetri. Acrid and metallic, like he’s spent too much time mucking around inside one of those computers he’s so besotted with.

“How revoltingly naïve.” Green eyes burn into him like acid, the glint behind them unlike anything he’s ever seen. “You thought you’d break my arm once and be done with me?

Hawk finds himself backing away.

“I’m not going to make it that easy for you, Hawk.”

Something in the way Demetri spits his new name finally gives him clarity.

“So what the fuck do you want from me?” he spits. “Why did you come here?”

“I came here because you were right. About everything.”

Any response is snatched from Hawk’s mouth.

For several seconds, all he can do is stare. Demetri smirks, apparently reveling in getting a leg up.

Hawk is so confused that he can’t even find it in himself to be angry. A strangled “what?” is all that comes out, pulling a snigger from his adversary.

“You think you’ve got it all figured out. Becoming the scariest fighter in the Valley. Making everyone quiver at the sight of you. Doing whatever you like because people aren’t brave enough to tell you no. Becoming your badass karate teacher’s little golden child. Getting rid of your weaknesses. Getting rid of me. But there’s one thing you got wrong.”

Typical Demetri. Monologuing around the point.

But Hawk is, nonetheless, finding his confusion turning to intrigue.

The mopey kicked puppy routine had gotten unbearably tedious. At least Demetri finally has the decency to give Hawk some variety.

“Oh, yeah?” He curls his lip. “What’s that?”

Demetri casually leans on Hawk’s dresser, like this is nothing more than a Friday night video game session.

“You think I avoid fights because I’m scared. But that’s not true anymore.” And there’s that grin again—that wide, unnerving grin that looks like it was pasted on from another human being’s face. The sort of manic look that would never in a thousand years belong on Demetri Alexopoulos.

“I avoid fights because I know who’s worth fighting. And who’s worth hurting.”

Well, that’s new.

Hawk narrows his eyes, trying to piece together if this is all some kind of trick.

“See, Eli, you were right that the world isn’t kind to people who get too soft.” Demetri starts sauntering over again, and that odd, metallic smell strengthens. “Or losers. Or weaklings. Or people who admit defeat. Give in too easily. Run off cowering and scared. So I’m shaking all that off. Next time I fight, I won’t lose.”

As Hawk pieces everything together, he scowls.

“So that’s what you want?” he hisses. “A rematch? Like you’d stand a chance.”

“So touchy. Do you only think of people in terms of whether you can beat them in a fight now? Boooooring.”

Demetri clicks his tongue disapprovingly. It’s a mocking gesture he’s been doing since they were little, but now something about it feels chilling.

Hawk’s back bumps his bedroom wall. Demetri’s closing in on him.

Fucking hell—he’s getting fed up with this cat-and-mouse. Why is he even entertaining this stupid nerd again?

It’s not like he gives a shit about him anymore. Then he wouldn’t snap his arm in half.

“Fuck off, Demetri!” he roars. “I fucking hate you. I don’t give a shit about anything you have to say! Get the hell out of my house, or I swear to god I’ll break your arm again.”

He fills the words with fire and force and poison, hoping something will hurt Demetri enough to make him go.

He can’t cave again. Not after he’s worked this hard to oust Demetri and everything he represents from his life.

Not after he’s severed Demetri’s bone with his own hands and smiled with his friends about it.

That should’ve been the last straw. That should’ve been what sent Demetri running for good, abandoning everything they’d once had to save himself.

But it didn’t. It fucking didn’t.

Demetri takes another step into his space, curling his lip. “You’re full of shit.”

“Fuck you.” Eli returns his stare, baring his teeth. “How are you so sure?”

“Because you hesitated.”

Hawk goes rigid.

“I begged you to stop.” Demetri’s hands slide onto the wall on either side of him, trapping him. “And you thought about it. You didn’t break my arm until all your psychotic teammates goaded you on. If you really hated me?” His voice drops to a breathy whisper. “You wouldn’t have even thought twice.”

“You don’t know shit.”

Demetri snickers.

“Poor little Eli. You’ve always sucked at arguing when you get backed into a corner.”

“I still broke it,” Hawk growls. “You know I can do it. Easily. So how are you stupid enough that you’re still fucking with me? You some kind of masochist?”

“You still care about me, Eli.” They’re inches apart now, Demetri leering over Hawk. “You never got over me not wanting to join your little club of sociopaths. Whenever there’s a rumble, you can’t stay away from me. And you want to know what I think?”

“Shut up.”

Demetri’s voice is husky in Hawk’s ear. “You wouldn’t hurt me when there’s no one to show off to.”

Hawk’s done with this.

He lunges, shoving Demetri’s chest and flying at him with an outstretched fist. He waits for that gratifying moment of shock—the familiar shift in Demetri’s features as he realizes yet again Hawk has no intention of going easy on him.

Demetri doesn’t even blink as he moves out of the way.

Hawk course-corrects, swiveling and diving for Demetri again. He throws the fastest punch he can manage straight at Demetri’s jaw.

Why the hell won’t he give up?

Demetri’s fantastic at giving up. He always has been. He gave up on standing up to bullies and he gave up on Cobra Kai and he gave up on Sensei Kreese.

So why won’t he give up on Hawk?

Demetri doesn’t dodge this time. He only swerves, allowing the fist to graze his chin.

He lets out a hiss of pain—angry, but not surprised.

Without warning, Demetri’s hands shoot up. Hawk freezes as long fingers snake across the skin of his arm.

The next second he’s screaming, Demetri’s hands twisting until his skin burns. The other boy’s grip tightens, thrusting him toward the floor.

He’s stealing my fucking moves again.

And frustratingly, he can do them fast. Hawk barely manages to use his other arm to shove Demetri off, stumbling back.

Even one moment of disorientation is too long. Demetri charges again, teeth bared like a wild animal.

One arm slams him against his bedroom wall while the other digs into his chest, squeezing the air out of him. And Hawk hates to admit it, but Demetri’s training-broadened shoulders have a terrifying amount of power behind them.

Nothing he can’t handle. Hawk’s taken on bigger opponents before.

He squirms in Demetri’s grip, his own arms loosening enough for his hands to make a grab for the taller boy’s throat. Then Demetri’s pinning hand is gone, slipping in and out of his jacket in what feels like less than a heartbeat.

Something cold and sharp presses Hawk’s throat. His hands drop, tensing against the wall.

“What the fuck…?”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Eli.” Demetri tilts his head, pouting mockingly. “But you make it so damn hard to talk to you. Can’t do a thing without you coming at me like some kind of rabid coyote.”

“So you pull a…are you fucking insane?”

“Like you’re one to talk, Mr. Red Hulk Rage Issues.” The pout morphs into a smirk. “Clearly, you’re not above playing dirty, using that sad little Eli voice of yours to get out of trouble. Figured it was time I caught up.”

Hawk feels something sticky dripping down his neck. His breath hitches in his throat.

He aims a hit at Demetri’s stomach. The taller boy bends with it, and the blade presses harder.

“Oh, come now.” Demetri tuts disapprovingly. “Don’t make me slit your throat.”

Hawk hardens his expression, channeling everything in him into hiding the shock.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I don’t think you’re in a great place to test that.”

And he’s right. Hawk hates it, but he’s right.

This isn’t the Demetri he knows better than the back of his hand. The Demetri he knows so uncomfortably well that he convinced himself over and over and over that it meant he was sick of the fucking geek.

This isn’t grounded, rational, sensible Demetri. Something’s snipped his threads, made him start fraying at the edges.

He’s unraveling, floating in an ether where the pragmatic and the path of least resistance that he made his life philosophy are losing their appeal. He’s…

Well, it seems he’s done some script-flipping of his own. Decided—perhaps on a whim—to overhaul everything Hawk knew and replace it with something cold and alien and completely fucking unpredictable.

Was this how Demetri felt, that day Hawk showed up at school with spiked hair and a conniving sneer? Is this some kind of payback?

He doesn’t care if this new boy with a knife to his throat killed and gutted the friend he grew up with. It doesn’t matter anymore. That relationship only ever got in the way, anyhow.

He truly could not care less. Honest.

The only emotion he feels is annoyance that this new opponent will be harder to match, with erratic moves and a quickly-thinning conscience.

This Demetri isn’t pulling any punches. One stupid or sloppy move, and Hawk will be on the floor gurgling his life out.

He’s never taken Demetri for someone impulsive, but perhaps he just had a talent for controlling his most brutal and primal urges—for his own safety, if nothing else. Perhaps he’s lost this ability.

Hawk wonders what it says about him that he isn’t bothered by this at all. If anything, he finds the whole concept exhilarating.

Fighting Demetri had gotten so boring. Now, at last, they’re on equal footing.

Regardless, there could be a trace of the Old Demetri yet. He might be able to use that.

“Put the fucking knife away or I’ll call the cops,” Hawk snarls. “Think you’ll get into Stanford with a police report on your permanent record? Or whatever fucking nerd school you’re trying to—”

“With what phone?” Demetri interrupts. “The one you left on the coffee table downstairs so it won’t distract you from wailing on your stupid bag?”

Fuck. How did Demetri even notice shit like that?

Hawk tries not to let the dismay show.

“When my mom gets home, she’ll—”

“Mommy’s not coming for you, Eli.” Demetri’s smirk widens. “Mommy’s getting drunk with all her friends to forget her unfulfilled suburban picket fence life with her nasty, violent delinquent of a son. And Mommy’s going to crash at Michelle Galinski’s house, just like she has every Friday night for the past 10 years. And oh dear…Daddy’s out of town on his top-of-the-month business trip? Looks like no one’s coming to save you.”

Fuck that. He can save himself.

Hawk makes a grab for Demetri’s wrist, other hand clawing at the arm compressing his chest. Demetri seamlessly lifts the elbow of his knife-holding arm and jabs the bony appendage into Hawk’s skin.

The knife blade doesn’t even falter, pressing more firmly into Hawk’s neck. A sting, and he feels something warm trickle toward his chest.

The scent from earlier intensifies, and Hawk realizes abruptly that it must have been blood.

“Mmmm-mmmm.” Demetri purses his lips and shakes his head, like he’s scolding a disobedient child. “It’ll make it much easier for both of us if you don’t act up. I really don’t want to cut your throat, but I will.”

As Demetri sneers down at him, Hawk realizes too late that he couldn’t cover his alarm.

“What? Don’t think I’d actually hurt you?”

The taller boy fiddles with the knife, sending little pricks of pain rippling through Hawk’s neck.

“I guess you know how it feels now,” he purrs.

Hawk spits in Demetri’s face, sudden fury overtaking him.

This pathetic nerd’s not going to make him feel bad now. Not after everything he’s done to crush the part of himself that possibly could feel bad.

“Fuck you.”

And slowly, never once breaking his gaze, Demetri licks Hawk’s saliva off his chin. The dim hallway light just catches the moisture on his face.

“Keep it in your pants, Moskowitz. We’re not there yet.”

Now Demetri’s definitely fucking with him.

It’s growing tiresome. Nonetheless, he doesn’t want that cut in his neck getting any wider.

There’s something distinctly unnerving about the way Demetri’s eyes are boring into him, sizing him up with a kind of cold contempt. Looking at him like he’s nothing more than some ugly insect to crush under his shoe.

It’s the sort of callousness that Hawk has never once—not in the entire time he’s known Demetri—been the target of.

And maybe he’ll admit it. He dislikes it for more than just the fact it throws him off.

Demetri is spiraling into someone unrecognizable, and the sheer foreignness of the whole process makes Hawk shudder.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Hawk’s voice is small and weak. Like Eli’s.

He doesn’t care.

His entire sense of reality—every absolute, irrefutable truth he’s ever attached to himself and his life and his oldest friend—is uprooting and spinning out of control, and it’s not like anything fucking matters anymore.

Demetri laughs—a sharp, hollow sound devoid of any real humor.

“Like you’re one to talk. I know what you did to Brucks.”

Hawk’s blood freezes.

“Yeah, that’s right.” Demetri’s knife slides from the cut on Hawk’s neck, beginning to tease the underside of his chin. “Mitch told us what happened. And I damn well noticed when Brucks stopped showing up to school. Nice of your war criminal sensei to help you cover that up.”

Hawk’s breath comes in quick, short gasps.

Of course Demetri put two and two together. Of course he’d gone snooping so he could find something else to hang over Hawk’s head.

And the fall of that knife might be worse than the one currently tickling his jaw.

Part of him hates it. Hates being reminded of that day and hates being reminded what he’s capable of. Hates remembering the sight of a living, breathing person crumpling to the floor, and realizing they would never get up again.

But Hawk isn’t stupid. If anyone can play Demetri’s games, it’s the person who knows him better than anyone in the world.

“Demetri.” He keeps his tone as calm and non-abrasive as he can. “Who else’s blood is on your knife?”

Because it was still wet when Demetri shoved it up against him. And Demetri’s a moron if he thinks Hawk missed that.

“Ah. And we finally get to that.” Demetri chuckles, gently tracing Hawk’s jawline with the honed edge. “You see…the difference between you and me, Eli, is that I don’t need anyone’s help to hide my bodies.”

His heart drops to his feet.

“What did you do?”

“Not any worse than you.” Demetri cocks his head. “I hurt someone who deserved it.”

“Demetri.” Hawk steels his voice. “What did you do?”

Because whatever it was, Hawk sure as hell needs to take the proper precautions to make certain he isn’t next.

“Stopped at the convenience store on the way over here.” Demetri follows the knife with his eyes as he talks, expression almost affectionate. “Ran into one of Kyler’s old buddies from the wrestling team. One of the kids who used to call us fags, remember? He thought it would be fun to shove me around. So I pretended I was running my ass away, and got him to chase me somewhere a little more…private.”

Hawk gapes at him.

“Did you really…?”

“Shanked the asshole like a pig. He was so surprised he didn’t even fight back. And let me tell you, it was the most fun I’ve had in a while.”

And there’s that laugh again—the broken, disjointed chortles that feel so jarringly out-of-place. Green eyes shining with a frenetic light that makes Hawk’s hands grow slick with sweat.

Demetri leans in again, knife held steady as his lips brush Hawk’s ear.

“I know how it feels, you know. I know what it is to get so angry that you don’t even know what your body’s doing until it’s too late. Watch the life fade out of another human being’s eyes. Realize you like it. Sit there panicking about being some kind of inhuman monster and then suddenly realizing you don’t fucking care. And I suppose…I suppose that’s another reason you were right. There is a certain freedom in embracing that the world is cruel and cutthroat and unforgiving. In finally unmuzzling the wild animal thrashing around inside you and letting it hunt the way it was always meant to.”

Hawk shudders.

Sensei Kreese promised no one would ever find out about Brucks. Staged some kind of car accident or binge-drinking tragedy or drug OD or some other way stupid teenagers die all the time. Kyler was barred from the funeral, with Kreese worried (probably reasonably) that the dumbass would let something slip.

Kreese told the class that if anyone snitched, he’d be more than willing to look the other way as they met the same fate as Brucks.

Hawk hated how much he enjoyed it. He hated how after the deed was done, he couldn’t find a scrap of guilt in his psyche. It made him feel detached from himself—the abstract idea that doing that to another person was bad, but the complete lack of any emotions to back it up.

But that’s who he is now. No going back, he supposes.

Perhaps, on some level, he figured Demetri would pick up on this and leave him alone. Decide that Hawk’s path was too dark and too dangerous for his pasty basement nerd tastes, and stay huddled away with the Miyagi Dos singing kumbaya.

That would probably be best for him, anyways. Hawk still doesn’t know what other horrific shit he has it in him to do, especially when his victim pleaded so hard for mercy that would never come. When Brucks’ fruitless begging gave him an unmistakable rush.

And yet here Demetri is, claiming he was in a similar position. Claiming he lost control.

It isn’t that Demetri can’t put on an act if he needs to. But on some level, Hawk’s always been able to tell when his best friend is exaggerating or embellishing to make a story more interesting. There’s a kind of snarky undertone he uses, always giving that he isn’t completely serious. Subtle, but easy to pick up if you’re familiar with it.

There’s none of that here. If anything, this is the kind of emotional vulnerability Demetri never displays intentionally.

Until now, apparently.

Hawk bites his lip. “You’re not lying, are you?”

“You’re so cute.” The tip of the knife jabs into the underside of Hawk’s chin. “You thought I was some…what? Some sissy little do-gooder? The pinnacle of morality and mercy and all great virtues? No, no.” He giggles. “I’ve always been as fucked up as you. I only managed to keep it buried longer.”

Hawk scowls, suddenly remembering exactly who he’s talking to.

“Give me a fucking break. You joined the pussy-ass ‘defense only’ karate dojo. Your entire philosophy is about being sissy little do-gooders. Like you’d have the balls to pull even half the shit Cobra Kai—”

The knife flies back to the wound in his throat, Demetri using his arm to ram Hawk harder into the wall.

“You think I ever gave a flying fuck about Miyagi-Do?” he spits. “You think I’m some slavering pet like you, tripping over my little lapdog paws to appease my sensei’s every command? You think these asinine karate wars ever mattered to me? No.” He shoves his face into Hawk’s, blood on his breath. “You’re the one so obsessed with following orders that you can’t even remember who you were before you became some demented old man’s attack dog. You’re the one so drunk on loyalty to a fucking karate dojo that you can’t see none of this shit matters.”

Hawk bares his teeth, hoping with everything he has that Demetri won’t notice him shaking.

“Easy for you to say, when you pussied out after one punch in the face,” he sneered. “Of course you want to believe all of this is pointless when you’re on the losing team. But I’m not like you, Demetri. I’m no quitter.”

“Oh, how admirable.” The knife presses a little harder. “Tell me then, Hawk. How’s being on the same team as Kyler? As fucking Robby Keene? You excited for the chance to help them hurt Miguel again?”

Red-hot rage rips through Hawk. He lifts a leg and knees Demetri’s shin as hard as he can.

Demetri barely even winces. His other foot kicks up, ramming the side of Hawk’s knee. Hawk scrambles for balance, heart pounding as he just avoids falling into the knifepoint.

“Thought that’d hit a nerve.”

“Fuck you!” Hawk spits. “Keene was from your fucking dojo! You fought with him, too!”

“Not since he hurt Miguel.”

Demetri’s voice is frigid, rivaling the most biting winter rains. Every inch of him drips with a venomous hatred that Hawk has never seen before.

Not directed at him. Not directed at anyone.

“And now he’s in your dojo. Funny how that works.” Demetri clicks his tongue. “Guess your roaring rampage of revenge was all for naught.”

“It wasn’t.” Hawk curls his lip. “You were all responsible, and we got our paypack. It’s not our fault Miguel wasn’t grateful.”

“Ooooh, gotta love the Hawk’s impeccable logic! ‘Ah, yes, I think I will terrorize everyone in this dojo except for the person who actually almost killed my friend, who I will agree to team up with for some reason!’” Demetri returns his sneer. “Are you really such an obedient little bitch that you do whatever your precious sensei tells you? Even when you damn well know it makes no sense? You’re more pathetic than I thought.”

“Park and Keene know their place,” Hawk hisses. “They know I’m the alpha. They answer to me.”

Demetri cocks his head, looking amused.

“Even if I were to believe that. Do you like sharing a class with those assholes? Do you like knowing that if one of them were to get their ass handed to them by a Miyagi-Do or an Eagle Fang—by Miguel—that you’d be expected to rescue them?”

“I’d do it.” Hawk grits his teeth. “I wouldn’t like it, but I’d fucking do it. Sensei Kreese gave Sensei Lawrence and the others a chance to join back up with Cobra Kai, and they said no. Miguel chose his side.”

Demetri sighs, expression almost pitying.

“I guess ‘Cobra Kai for life’ trumps a Cobra’s desire to beat another Cobra into the damn ground. Kind of a shame. I think you’d enjoy hurting them.”

What Demetri said earlier circles back into his mind.

I avoid fights because I know who’s worth hurting.

Hawk straightens, keeping his composure.

“Sensei says we need all the allies we can get,” he says. “Even if we don’t like them. I’m putting up with Kyler and Robby long enough to win the tournament, and that’s it. Then I’ll find some way to weed them out.”

“I doubt it.” Demetri smiles down at him. If it weren’t for the knife, Hawk would punch his teeth in. “Contrary to how you act, I know you’re a smart guy. If you knew how to get rid of them, you would have already. No, Eli…” His voice drops to a purr. “You’re stuck with them, aren’t you?”

Hawk feels sick.

Leave it to Demetri to pinpoint his deepest fears—a karate clan filled with the worst people Hawk knew. Not a single friend to speak of, and a sensei with constantly divided attention.

Even Tory was turning out to be a fucking snake in the grass. She certainly took to the boy who nearly killed her ex with not an ounce of guilt.

And yet she believed with all of her being that Demetri deserved a broken arm for what Robby Keene did. That he was a pussy for crying out in pain. Actions didn’t matter to her—only the name branded across the merchandise you wore and the color of your gi at tournaments.

For the first time, the thought makes Hawk seethe.

All this time she’d seemed nothing but tough and fearless, but all she was was a shallow bitch who cared more about rank and status than a damn thing you actually did.

She was always going to hate Sam LaRusso for being rich and popular. She was always going to hate Miyagi Do for its association with LaRusso. But the second Keene bailed? Put on a belt with a cobra on it and showed off his snake-snatching skills?

She couldn’t wait to get on his dick. The filthy slut.

And suddenly Hawk realizes that he hates her, too. He hates so many of the people who are supposed to be his allies. But he can’t afford to think like that. And most of all, he can’t afford to let Demetri see it.

He glowers up at his ex-best-friend, keeping his gaze stony. “And why do you care? You have your posse of Miyagi losers to pal around with. Why do you give a shit what I do? Just go home to your little—”

“I left Miyagi-Do!”

The words come out in a forceful scream that practically knocks Hawk even further into the wall.

The sheer disdain in Demetri’s eyes for the group he had so cozily assimilated into sends Hawk reeling. He’d never—not in this lifetime or the next—expect Demetri to toss the whole lot of them out like garbage.

Demetri breaks into another grin, reveling in Hawk’s stunned silence.

“See, that’s another difference between you and I, Eli. I don’t need some washed-out old man telling me what to believe and how to fight. I can think for myself. And frankly, I got sick of the ‘safety in numbers’ business when it seemed ‘the numbers’ were always the ones who got to pick my enemies for me. And no one—” His eyes burn into Hawk. “No one decides that but me. I hurt who I like when I like, and I’ll fucking gut anyone who gets in my way.”

Hawk exhales slowly, keeping his scowl pulled tight.

“So…what?” Hawk sneers. “You’re going to fight Cobra Kai by yourself now? That’s so fucking stupid.”

“Not all of them. Some of your class are just brainwashed idiots who don’t know what they’re doing.” He sighs, shaking his head. “And you, Eli…well, I think you’ve lost sight of who your true enemy is. I was hoping I could help.”

“You really bounced?” Hawk narrows his eyes, still trying to make sense of everything. “After everything, you…just up and left?”

It can’t be that easy. He knows it wouldn’t be in Cobra Kai.

“Yeah.” Demetri shrugs. “And now I have way more time for important things.”

“I don’t get it.” Hawk’s frown deepens. “Why would you strike off on your own? Did something happen?”

“You happened.”

Short. Simple. Concise.

Completely baffling.

Not that that was anything new today.

Maybe it’s Hawk’s imagination, but the knife loosens a little.

“Don’t you get it?” For the first time all night, something like genuine anguish prods through Demetri’s voice. “I meant what I said. I never gave a rat’s ass about the karate wars, or the stupid dojo feuds. All I ever wanted was to be worth your fucking time again.”

All Hawk can do is stare.

It doesn’t make sense. None of this makes any fucking sense.

“And sure,” Demetri concedes after a moment. “At first, I wanted to do right by Mr. LaRusso. By Sam. They were the ones who taught me. Toughened me up into something worthwhile. Worked with all the shit you thought was a lost cause. But it was always a means to an end to stay relevant to you. Then after what happened with Moon, I genuinely thought the Miyagi-Do philosophy would help you. But I learned soon enough that you were in too deep for appealing to the Old Eli to work. No, I had to speak to you in your own language.”

He licks his lips as the knife starts to slide up Hawk’s neck again, dancing over the bottom of his chin and onto the plump skin of his lips.

“Aggression. Violence. Dominance.” He chuckles. “Wasn’t my go-to, but if it got your attention, I could make it work. And I guess I did, huh? I riled you up enough that you couldn’t leave me alone.”

“You wanted to piss me off?”

“If that’s what it took to keep you coming back for more.” And there it is again—that wide, sadistic grin that feels so brutally wrong. “You can leave me, Eli. You can disown me. You can shit on everything we had and make my life a living hell. But you can’t bring yourself to just ignore me. Because you’re so weak that you can’t bear to refuse the bait when I press your buttons. Because as much as you claim to hate me, you can’t move on from me.”

“And now you ditch your team to…what? Fight me on your own?” Hawk matches Demetri’s grin with one of his own. “I’d wreck you. And deep down, you know it.”

“So presumptuous.” Demetri shakes his head, tutting. “Frankly, I came here tonight because I’m sick of fighting you.”

“Says the one with a knife to my throat.”

“That’s because you don’t fucking listen without me having to resort to extreme measures,” Demetri hisses. “I think we’re a lot closer to being on the same page than you think. And maybe if you dropped this whole tribalism bullshit, you’d see that.”

So Demetri wants a truce. Hawk should have known.

He’s not surprised. But the way they arrived here?

Now that’s a twist.

It’s still an insane concept. Like he’s supposed to let his greatest enemy off the hook. Let Demetri get away with all the ways he’s undermined him and humiliated him and put the Old Eli—the weak, pathetic nerd Eli—on blast for all the world to see.

But if Demetri really left Miyagi Do…

Hawk finds himself wondering how much of his rage against the Miyagi Dos is his own, and how much is Sensei Kreese’s. And if Demetri’s truly deserted “the enemy,” does Hawk still have to hate him?

Does he even want to?

Demetri isn’t that pathetic, sniveling dweeb anymore. He’s crushed his old self as brutally as Hawk has.

Because the Demetri Hawk has known all his life could scarcely bring himself to cook with sharp knives, let alone use one to threaten another human being’s life.

Or take one.

But despite everything, something still doesn’t add up.

“I heard about your little rousing speech,” Hawk says. “About how important it was for Miyagi Do and Eagle Fang to unite against the ‘biggest assholes in the Valley.’ And now you’ve abandoned both of them. Was that all just a load of crap, then?”

Demetri is unfazed.

“Call me naïve, but I thought if Miguel and I were on the same team, you’d finally see some damn sense. You’d hurt me, sure. I’ve known that for a while. But I never thought you’d touch the kid you went on a vengeance quest for.” He shrugs. “Color me surprised when you wrote him off as just another enemy.”

“I told you.” Hawk works his fingers against the wall again, uneasiness trickling over his skin. “Miguel chose his side.”

“Be that as it may. I figured if you were so far gone that you were ready to wail on literally every person you used to be friends with, I needed to adjust my strategy.”

“For what?”

“For getting through to you. For getting you to tell the truth.”

And Hawk doesn’t want to think for too long about what truth Demetri has in mind.

“So you pull out a fucking knife.”

“Mhm.” Demetri snickers. “That’s how you communicate, yeah? Threats and intimidation?”

Hawk clenches his jaw. “I’m not scared of you.”

“Is that so.” The arm suddenly lifts from squeezing Hawk’s chest, long fingers seizing his wrist. He’s too surprised to pry them away.

He really should be expecting this kind of insane bullshit by now.

“Your pulse is going haywire, Eli,” Demetri murmurs. “Either you’re a liar, or something else has you energized. I wonder what that could be?”

It’s then Hawk’s mind fully catches up to its surroundings.

He rips his wrist away, pivoting away from the knife and sending a knee into Demetri’s ribs. The knife tip slices his cheek, but so be it. He’s endured worse.

Demetri gasps, stumbling back. Hawk makes a grab for the knife.

The taller boy is still too quick. He holds the weapon out of reach, using his other arm to thrust Hawk’s body back.

Before Demetri can do anything else, Hawk squats down and sweeps his leg. With a grunt, his opponent stumbles to the floor.

Something seizes Hawk’s ankles as he stands. He cries out as he’s yanked backward with surprising force, landing on the floor next to Demetri.

Hawk scrambles for the bed, trying to writhe out of Demetri’s grip and hoist himself up by the covers.

It’ll be over when I have the high ground.

What a stupid reference to think about.

It reminds him of the kind of game he and Demetri might have once played. Whoever made it onto the bed would get to be Obi-Wan, and whoever stayed on the floor would have to be Anakin, drowning in lava.

The idea leaves him feeling strange.

Demetri doesn’t let go, snarling like a hyena as he tries to tug Hawk back. The knife teases his skin, an imminent threat if he makes any moves too sudden.

He’d kick the annoying asshole away from him, but he doesn’t want the sole of his foot sliced open. If he can’t walk, he can’t fight.

Suddenly, Demetri cries out, grip loosening. In Hawk’s struggles, he must’ve rammed into a sensitive spot. He yanks himself free, scrambling onto the bed and frantically trying to plan his next move.

He realizes his mistake a half-second too late.

Demetri, gleefully bluffing, rises to his full height. Smirking, he pounces like a jaguar.

He lands heavily on Hawk’s stomach, slamming him against the bed. The back of his head smacks against the headboard, filling his vision with stars.

He barely has time to let out a pained gasp before Demetri’s knees are digging into his quadriceps, pinning him again. Growling, he aims a punch at Demetri’s throat.

His fist meets its target, pulling a strangled gasp. Hawk clasps his arms around Demetri’s torso, trying to thrust him off the bed.

For a moment they struggle, yanking and shoving wildly in an attempt to gain an advantage. Then Hawk feels long arms wrap around his back, bony fingers clutching at his throat.

The tingling pain of blade against skin, and Hawk realizes Demetri kept hold of his knife.

Whenever I think he’s finally going to drop that damned thing…

The knife jabs into him, strengthening its grip until he’s pressed flat on his back. At last Demetri loosens his grip, sizing up his victim with a satisfied beam.

Hawk squirms, bed creaking as he does his best to jostle Demetri off. The other boy holds fast, gazing down at him with a pitying look.

The blade digs in again, and Hawk’s struggles weaken.

“Come now. How many times do we have to go over this?”

“Let. Me. Go.”

“I don’t believe I was finished.”

Demetri tilts his head to the side, breaking into another crazed grin that sends dread trickling straight down to Hawk’s bones.

“Shut up Demetri.”

“I see you staring at me. All this time, and all these girls you tried so hard to fuck, and everything always comes back to your stupid middle school infatuation.”

“SHUT UP!”

Hawk squeezes his eyes shut, trying to bleach Demetri’s cold, smug expression from his mind.

“Right after you had your Bar Mitzvah, you asked me to kiss you. You figured since I already had mine, we were both adults now. And adults do grown-up things like kissing.”

“STOP IT!”

And suddenly Hawk is screaming at the top of his lungs because he knows where this is going. Because they were just stupid kids, and that can’t mean anything.

“I said of course I would, because I’d always liked you, Eli.” Demetri’s voice only grows louder—more insistent. “And I go in to give you a peck, and you grab my arms and stick your entire tongue in my mouth.”

“Shut the fuck up, Demetri!”

He feels something wet dribbling down his face, and wonders if the cut on his cheek got stretched wider in his and Demetri’s scuffle. It’s certainly stinging enough for it.

Unless…

Hawk wishes he could dissolve.

“I told you I’d kiss you a thousand more times if you wanted.” Demetri’s voice has grown sharper than his blade. “And I would have. And for a long while, I thought there might be the most infinitesimal possibility that you felt something, too. Now I know I was right.”

He laughs, the sound acrid and bitter and full of flint.

“Because even after everything, you’re still obsessed with me. You watch me across the lunchroom and pretend you’re ‘monitoring the enemy,’ but I know you miss me. You miss when I made you laugh, and you miss when I talked to people so you didn’t have to. You chase me around in every battle, but when it comes right down to it, you can’t hurt me in any significant way until you’re bullied into it. You pick fights with me so you can put your hands all over my body and not have anyone look at you askance for it.”

“FUCK YOU!”

Maybe if he screams loud enough, Demetri won’t pay too much attention to the wet trails smearing the blood from his cuts.

Caustic breath is hovering inches above Hawk, misting onto his lips. Still, he refuses to open his eyes.

“It must be exhausting, you know,” Demetri whispers. “Living your life in denial like that. Wearing your entire personality like some cheap Halloween costume and convincing yourself that’s a fulfilling existence. Don’t you want to be free?”

“I’m not hiding anything,” Hawk growls. “I do whatever I like. It’s not my fault you don’t like who I really am.”

“Who you really are, hmmm?” Demetri’s lips brush his earlobe, voice a barely-audible murmur. “So tell me the truth then, Eli. Do you still want me?”

The bluntness of the question almost blows a hole in his composure.

“Of course I don’t.”

“Stop fucking lying!”

All at once, Demetri’s voice is a deafening, furious scream again. The knife slices Hawk’s jaw.

Not enough to do any real harm, but enough to really hurt. Hawk freezes, held prisoner by the burst of sharp, sudden pain.

“It’s always lies, lies, lies with you,” Demetri snarls. “Fake name. Fake hair color. Fake personality. Fake interests. Fake friends who only kiss the ground you walk on because they’ve never seen you at your weakest. Fake relationships with girls you barely let know you—to the point you think they’d leave you for liking to code. And the absolute drivel you feed yourself that this goddamn farce is what you want to live in forever. You think you’re starring in some martial arts epic, and you’re so wrapped up in your stupid method acting that you never want to step offscreen. Like everyone’s on the edge of their seat about your pitiful life like it’s the fucking Truman Show. And at the end of the day? You’re still too much of a pussy to tell me the truth.”

Hawk’s skin tingles, shivers rippling through him. If his heart was pounding before, it’s thundering now.

Somehow it doesn’t feel like fear. He’s used to this new version of Demetri enough not to cower from him.

No, it’s something far worse. And Demetri knows it.

“You can’t hide from me.” The other boy’s tone drips with haughtiness, savoring the ability to confirm Hawk’s worst fears. “I see right through your bullshit. I always have. So I’ll ask you one more time. Do you want me?”

The knife slides down to Hawk’s throat again, pressing firmly.

“Lie and I’ll kill you.”

He’s probably bluffing. Maybe. Surely.

Perhaps it doesn’t matter anymore. Sprawled out on his childhood bed, underneath the only other person he frequently shared it with.

The person he used to watch sleep, wondering wistfully if the freak with the lip scar ever made it into his best friend’s dreams.

He opens his eyes and finally meets Demetri’s gaze, in all of its searing, insurmountable beauty.

“Yeah.”

He breathes it out quiet and fragile—a soft promise. A rare moment of openness that he lets free of his unbreakable shell.

Demetri drops the knife. It falls behind the bed, thumping onto the carpet below.

He swoops down, seizing Hawk’s neck and yanking him up. When their mouths meet, Hawk is nearly thrown back with the force of it.

Demetri kisses like a starved animal, lapping and nipping in a crazed frenzy. The weight of his muscle-toned body is crushing, locking Hawk firmly against the mattress.

He tastes like blood and cold steel and cruelty. Hawk shudders.

This time, he’s certain it isn’t fear. It’s a rush he only thought he could get from smashing his fists against plastic or skin, or feeling another person’s body go limp and lifeless underneath his.

And it’s ironic. The more Demetri tries to devour Hawk, the more Hawk wants to let it happen.

There’s an odd satisfaction to it, he thinks. Being completely at someone else’s mercy.

And Demetri isn’t fighting with any.

***

OKAY, time for some #authorrants because I feel like some of the choices I made in this fic are. Controversial, to say the least. Lmao.

So something that has bugged the crap out of me for a while now is people in this fandom acting like there is any world where Demetri would choose Robby over Miguel. I remember after S3 dropped, there was a lot of "dId tHeY fOrGeT tHe dEmEtRi-rObBy FrIeNdShIp" type sentiment floating around irt why Demetri didn't stay in contact with Robby the way Sam and the LaRussos did. Maybe it's because, I don't know, Robby threw the guy Demetri never actually stopped being close friends with over a balcony and almost killed him???

Like. Not that these showrunners don't ever forget things, but this absolutely is not one of them. Robby paralyzing Miguel is a BEYOND valid reason to sever ties with him, especially when you were just casual dojo bros for a couple months tops. When push came to shove, Demetri pretty unequivocally CHOSE MIGUEL. He brought him a comic book in the hospital! He was thrilled to see him back at school and picked up their friendship right where it left off! He DOES NOT VISIBLY FORGIVE ROBBY UNTIL MIGUEL DOES! Idk idk it just really riles me when people do not take Demetri and Miguel's friendship into account when discussing the Demetri-Robby relationship and why they stopped being friends when they did. Tbh I don't think it's that hot of a take to assume Demetri would have more loyalty to the guy who befriended him when he was a nobody and proceeded to be one of his closest ride-or-die friends for a whole-ass year over the guy he was casual buds with because they happened to share a karate instructor -_____- I could go on about this for several more paragraphs, but that's a rant for another day.

(As far as the LaRussos go, they were all closer to Robby and were basically his adoptive family, which is why they--particularly Sam--were willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and say the Miguel thing was an accident. Demetri didn't know Robby well enough to make that call, and had no actual proof it WAS an accident except for maybe Sam's word.)

Some other things to ramble about:

I remember in some interview a while back (I think with Martin Kove?) someone asked about Hawk and Marty or whoever was being interviewed said he was "on his way to being a serial killer" or smth. And Jacob's talked a little bit about the kind of escalating delinquent shit Hawk would get up to if he was never redeemed, etc. So going with that: Bold of y'all to assume the kid simping for Hawk since episode 1 wouldn't renounce his morals and join him on the path to villainy. Sorry but I truly believe Demetri's horniness for Hawk can and would win out over any ethical qualms in the end. Also Demetri is horny for violence and evil this is canon otherwise he would in fact not have simped for S3 Hawk so PAINFULLY BADLY god bless

Also this was partly inspired by those post-S3 jokes that were like "lol what happened to Brucks??? Did Hawk kill him???"...well, what if he did, tho? O_____O

Disclaimer that I promise I do not endorse the Tory slut-shaming!!! Tbh I didn't really wanna write it, but...I think given the circumstances, Hawk WOULD be pretty furious at her for getting chummy with Robby and "betraying" Miguel. And unfortunately, since he's a teenage boy with (canonical!) misogynistic tendencies...I do think that would most likely come across as slut-shaming D: But y'all have brains y'all know I don't condone everything I write about aknhdksuyhf (Murder is probably not something you should try at home either btw)

Hopefully I didn't make Hawk too weaksauce in this ^^; My excuses are a) I suck at writing fight scenes and tend to just want to get to the psychosexual dialogue and knife-teasing, so. If I rushed anything to get there I apologize. b) Going by the school fight, Hawk is indeed thrown off when Demetri takes the offensive (especially in a super dramatic kind of way) and his confused pause is in fact enough time for Demetri to get an advantage and c) The man is thrown off his game!!! Thrown off his groove, even!!! His sissy pussy nerd ex-friend shows up acting like a disturbed maniac and he is so O_____o about it that his moves are off!!! He's sucking a little but it's not his fault 💔It's Demetri's for subverting expectations 💔

I also feel like if Demetri started McFucking Losing It and was generally less grounded in the physical and rational world, physical pain wouldn't register quite as much. Like he's in his head enough now that he's kinda lost his grip on reality and things happening in the physical world don't seem as relevant or immediate, if that makes any sense? Also idk. Maybe after the arm break his pain tolerance just went up :O Anyways that's why he recovers pretty fast when Hawk DOES land a hit. Demetri is nuts now 💙

I will die on my hill that Demetri like. Really REALLY isn't as morally upstanding as people like to think XD Like I say this with love but from the top he's been a self-interested little shit who just happens to be extremely loyal to the very small handful of people he actually likes. My dudes, he didn't join Miyagi Do because he liked their philosophy better--he joined because they were less on board with punching him in particular in the face XD This dude saw Cobra Kai being fucks and playing dirty at the AVT and he STILL up and says "I wanna come back because I like the 'safety in numbers' aspect of joining a gang" XD I always got the vibe the "well at least I'm not an asshole LIKE YOU" he throws at Eli later is more because he likes to feel self-righteous. I say all of this as his biggest fan btw. I think more people should embrace the self-interested king he is and write about him and Eli being absolute dicks together instead of to each other 💖

I guess that's what I'm here for!!!

Anyways I think Demetri and Eli have the same potential to be absolutely horrific people, and I think we're all very lucky that Demetri was too lazy to challenge his comfort zone and stick with Cobra Kai XD We're very fortunate he happened to end up using his speed and his brains to help his friends who happened to be on the Good Guy Side rather than his friends who happened to be on the Bad Guy Side.

I also think people put WAY too much stock in Demetri's ability to staunchly stick with the good guys and have enough of a moral backbone to just keep opposing Eli's douchebaggery indefinitely. My mans is NOT that much of a saint, trust. From how quickly he forgave Eli for a HUGE number of atrocities, he seemed to be like. Waiting on his ass for Eli to come back to him. And if Eli never did???

I mean. Bruh. Someone you've been deeply in love with for years throws you out like last night's trash and just progressively starts being more and more awful to you??? You think it's feasible for my boy Demetri to stay strong and sane and reasonable forever, and just keep on fighting the good fight??? HELL NO. This dude is either a) quitting karate and moving schools so he doesn't have to deal with constantly being pummeled by the dude he's in love with or b) going completely fucking insane from the cognitive dissonance of being in love with a dude who constantly beats his ass.

Listen. I have been in love. If my friend who I was in love with turned evil and joined an evil karate school and started wailing on me all the time, I would either pull an Aisha and haul ass out of there or I would simply lose my mind and become evil. Go full Jinx from Arcane. Sorry if you're a hater who doesn't think Demetri Alexopoulos has it in him to go apeshit, but you're wrong and also boring. The funny kooky comic relief guys are always one thread away from losing their shit because everyone assumes because they're funny and kooky they have no depth and no end to their bullshit tolerance. I would know because I am one of these Guys in real life. Put some respecc on my boy's name and also give him another knife 🔪

For anyone looking at me askance like "Demetri doesn't have it in him to kill!" Yes he does. I'm sending him over to your house to stab you right now 🩵

No fr tho, like there was MURDER in this man's eyes when Kyler was bullying Eli in the library. There was MURDER in this man's eyes fighting Robby at the AVT in S4. I have full confidence that if he could get away with stabbing his enemies, he would. So would Eli but I feel like this is a less contested opinion.

Also this is interesting so it's something I might go into detail about in another post, but one thing I noticed while kinda brainstorming how Demetri would snap is that Demetri is loyal to people, while Eli is loyal to concepts and ideas.

Demetri I don't think is actually that married to or slavish about MD principles tbh. Demetri isn't really averse to violence conceptually (even back in S1 it's only ever about him disliking BEING hit, not disliking hitting people!!) and doesn't actually do the defense-only thing that often. Several times we see him instigate with Hawk, or help Sam instigate with CK in general. The times we see him stick his neck out to really help Miyagi Do, he seems like he's doing so more out of loyalty to his friends (namely Sam, Chris, and Nate--also Miguel irt the dojo team-up at the end of S3) than loyalty to Miyagi Do as a dojo.

Eli, meanwhile, is way more loyal to concepts he puts a lot of stock in than the people in his life who challenge this. He sees Cobra Kai as this almighty saving grace that is for LIFE, and he doesn't think twice about ditching Demetri and Miguel when they turn their backs on it. He stays in this dojo even as his friends leave and it fills up with people he hates, and his sensei dismisses and ignores his concerns. Because this dojo saved him from his horrible, bullied life, and now he feels like he owes everything to the Cobra Kai name, despite who's actually behind the name. Also why I think Demetri uses "my karate dojo needs your help!" as the selling point to get Eli to join MD in S4. HIS motivation is probably much more that he just wants him and Eli to stay together, but he knows Eli values dojo loyalty above everything, so Dem kinda makes it more about that than friendship.

Anyways! That's all for now! The whole fic should be up on my AO3 sometime in December :3

[reclusivebookslug]

Bella Swan is Autistic: An Analysis

(Disclaimers: I enjoy Twilight in spite of its problematic elements, not because of them or in ignorance of them. There are as many different ways to be autistic as there are autistic people. Many allistic people will relate on some level to some aspects of the autistic experience; this does not make them autistic. This is all just my opinion, based on my experience as a late-diagnosed, low-support-needs autistic woman. I am aware this is not a brand-new original idea.)

I reread Twilight (I think for the first time since getting diagnosed 4 years ago) and I found a bunch of things I relate to Bella about. Below the cut is a list of some of her autism-related character traits with quotes for textual evidence. The links lead to articles explaining how these traits relate to autism. The list is ordered chronologically based on page number of the accompanied quotes. Page numbers are based on the paperback edition with ISBN-13: 9780316015844. A backslash in a quote signifies a paragraph break. I’ll update if I read any of the other books or rewatch the movies and anything new comes up.

Bella has trouble regulating her emotional expressions: she has to put conscious effort into how she presents herself

"I'd always been a bad liar" (p. 4). "For some reason, my temper was hardwired to my tear ducts. I usually cried when I was angry, a humiliating tendency" (p. 25). "I had never been enormously tactful" (p. 31). "'My face is so easy to read -- my mother always calls me her open book'" (p. 50).

Bella is shy and a bit socially awkward: she avoids attention for fear of embarrassment

"Charlie wasn't comfortable with expressing his emotions out loud. I inherited that from him" (p. 7). "Mr. Varner... was the only one who made me stand in front of the class and introduce myself. I stammered, blushed, and tripped over my own boots on the way to my seat" (p. 17). "To my dismay, I found myself the center of attention for the rest of the week" (pp. 68-69).

Bella feels different from other people: she doesn’t know how to connect with others and feels pressure to fit in

"I didn't relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn't relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page. Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain" (pp. 10-11). "I answered honestly, instead of pretending to be normal like everyone else" (p. 47). “'My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?' The words bothered me more than they should -- probably because his speculation hit home. I'd always suspected as much, and it embarrassed me to have it confirmed" (p. 181).

Bella has a unique sense of humor: other people don’t get her jokes and she doesn’t get other peoples’ jokes

"'You don't look very tan.' / 'My mother is part albino.' / He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn't mix. A few months of this and I'd forget how to use sarcasm" (p. 16). “Bella was being unintentionally funny” (p. 367).

Bella finds comfort in routine: the change in routine from moving was difficult for her, and she felt better once the new routine became familiar

"I fell into the pattern of the familiar task gladly" (p. 33).

Bella is academically gifted: she finds assignments easier than her peers do, she has already read the books assigned in her English course

"'Were you in an advanced placement program in Phoenix?' / 'Yes'" (p. 47).

Bella enjoys being alone: she is introverted and enjoys solitary activities

"In a lot of ways, living with Charlie was like having my own place, and I found myself reveling in the aloneness instead of being lonely" (p. 54). "I've never minded being alone" (p. 241).

Bella has motor difficulties: she is clumsy, uncoordinated, accident-prone, and bad at sports

"Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress" (p. 55). "My sense of direction was hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings" (p. 136).

Bella has special interests: Edward and books

"... no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was. No one else watched him the way I did" (p. 69). "I was sitting in my room, researching vampires. What was wrong with me" (p. 135)? "... they didn't know how preoccupied I could get when surrounded by books; it was something that I preferred to do alone" (p. 156).

Bella is perceived as different by others: a history of social exclusion is hinted at, Edward’s mind-reading doesn’t work on her

"'It's better if we're not friends,' he explained. 'Trust me.' / My eyes narrowed. I'd heard that before” (pp. 74-75). "He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped" (p. 83). "'My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year'" (p. 106). ".'.. maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I'm only getting FM'” (p. 181). "'You're not like anyone I've ever known. ... / ... 'I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you ... you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise'" (p. 245).

Bella has sensory differences: she notices and is bothered by things others don’t and aren’t, she engages in sensory-seeking and sensory-avoiding behavior when stressed

"'People can't smell blood,' he contradicted. / 'Well, I can -- that's what makes me sick. It smells like rust ... and salt" (p. 100). "I put in my headphones, hit Play, and turned up the volume until it hurt my ears. I closed my eyes, but the light still intruded, so I added a pillow over the top of my face" (pp. 129-130). "'You're always crabbier when your eyes are black ... I expect it then' ... 'I have a theory about that'" (p. 171). “For three and a half hours I stared at the wall, curled in a ball, rocking” (p. 425).

[tai-janai]

I'm trying to write something for Slay the Princess but writer's block kicked in just as I'm getting to Hunted pov and I'm struggling. As I know you enjoy the little guy, this is an open invitation to just ramble about them if you want. I like reading other people's thoughts.

huh. uhhh sure, ill give some thoughts.

Biggest thing , especially when it comes to writing him;

uh, he is very to-the-point, and thats for sure, but he isnt... i dont know, crazy? (im not sure if that's the word im looking for) he's very articulate. and strangely intimate (maybe thats just because it's constantly In Your Ear, but still)

a lot of his words are somewhat flowery rather than , ehh... simple? "pricked ears" "steel claw" "drowning in death" like, buddy, those are a writer's words. his simple things like "this is bad!" comes more when he has to express himself and his reasoning.

and maybe thats just me, but that is. sooo autism. in his mind there is this intricacy but when it comes to interacting with others, it needs to be as simple as possible so he doesnt get misunderstood. "id rather not" is just so important to me.

anyway. i really like its relation to LQ. him hero and oppy have got to be his biggest supporters. i mean, why be against anything LQ picks? can't go back now, no point of regret. pick up the pieces and make something better. living with the scraps is better than dying, at least in hunted's eyes.

something that ive found particularly interesting is his idea of change and newness. for most animalistic things, change isn't something viewed in a good light. repetition is good but alterations are usually kind of bad. but hunted specifically points out that "different is good." i've made this connection before that all the voices prefer change to stagnancy, but it's particularly striking with hunted. honestly, it makes writing it a bit of a struggle sometimes because that doesn't feel like something it would say, but obviously it's real.

i don't think he likes his prey role. can you blame it? jeez, that shit sucks. being the only reasonable one, and youre the one that sounds the most batshit insane. "the mirror isnt there, i cant smell it" "maybe He can't see the mirror like how He couldn't see the past life" "all she needs is her heart" he is just Always Right and thats so amazing to me as a character type.

in another life, without danger, i think it'd be a writer, or another type of artist. something chill. as good as he is in his role, better than any other voice could handle it, i think he'd be happiest living a chill life.

[ghostboyhood]

TELL ME YOUR COMMUNITY THOUGHTS

oh lord okay.. im gonna give my thoughts on the last season ish because i just finished it so its what i mainly remember and its 1 am..

the anniejeff made me SO uncomfortable i dont understand why they kept pushing that when they also pushed the dad-daughter relationship throughout the show.... and the second to last episode being centered around incest was odd, not a huge fan of that..

now okay my MAIN thoughts are about abed, so here i go

i feel like in the last two seasons (maybe 4 too? i dont remember atm) abeds autistic" traits were completely stripped from him. yes they included all his "fourth wall breaking meta tv show lines" but it wasnt right.

and i understand people will eventually change/grown up but also.. you cant "fix" autistic traits so it just felt like they were trying to make his autism seem more "normal" also by making him more emotionless i realized? abed cant express himself well, which he mainly copes with by dissociating. but he just.. in the last seasons it seemed more like he DIDNT have emotions (i believe he says something like this to buzz when talking about his duck comics, along the lines of the emotions he cant feel or wtv) but this isnt right, abed is emotional, hes actually really emotional we just dont see it directly like we do with people like annie or troy..

speaking of emotions im glad they really explained that jeff was scared of change and everyone leaving at the end though, its always been known that he is, but i liked that they really Showed it

annies ending was nice i guess? she was basically just a prop for jeff though in the weird fucking fantasy he wants though??? again idk why theyre pushing that it felt so out of place and weird and ew. jeff was also uncomfortably violent in season 6, like i dont think he would ever choke abed out that made me feel so gross...

alright back to abed because hes the main one i noticed in the last seasons.

in the end where abed was talking to jeff in the bar and said like.. "ik ur comforted by this meta lens but this is reality!!" just felt wrong.. yeah abed was still meta w the whole tv show thing but that was it.. and then him saying that to jeff? its like they tried to make him this big mentor guy to jeff (idk if thats necessarily it but its all i can think of to describe it at the moment) but not in a friend way but an uncomfortable "im grown up now and ur not" way if that makes sense,, which again goes with stripping him of his autistic traits by making it seem like its completely necessary to Grow up in order to move forward in life which isnt.. its true in some ways but not in the way they portrayed it at all.. they make it seem like abed had to grow up completely in order for him to "be okay"..

i related a LOT to abed in the early seasons for Many reasons, i think they handled the abed centered episodes especially about his mental health EXTREMELY Well. (ie, abeds uncontrollable christmas) its one of the first times ive seen experiences like that in media that i can almost directly relate to yk? but after geothermal escapism its all gone, never mentioned again besides in call backs where they try to laugh it off/dismiss it..

oh my god and abeds 'girlfriend' was just sooo out of place she was mentioned like twice and then that was it.. they didnt need to do that it felt really forced

also in like season one abed sits in that fucking room for hoursss without so much as making a peep but then he looses his cool and yells at buzz in season five?? again troy just left which makes a big impact but its still smt i noticed

everyone just felt very bland in the last seasons after troy left at least… half the cast was gone, then replaced

idk im not like, ruined the show pissed at the end, but im also not a fan of s5/6 (besides like.. sum scenes, and like i mentioned earlier maybe s4 as well)

i have to binge tv shows so i dont always immediately retain all the information and i have to rewatch episodes a lot, but thats my thoughts immediately after finishing the show at 12 am, sleep deprived, and in a really bad mental health episode so theyre not well put together n shit and i wish i could remember more to go over but alas

theres my immediate thoughts,, im gonna probably sleep or restart community.. i was planning on starting interview with the vampire now but im thinking of starting black mirror so we'll see...

[losergaymothman]

ALL of my Criminal Minds Headcanons:

(I watched the entirety of criminals minds for the first time (except season 16 bc it’s ASS), starting in May and ending in September, and I wrote all of these during that period. enjoy!!) SEMI-UNEDITED U HAVE BEEN WARNED.

- I think that Reid would come out to the whole team around late season 4. He’d tell them that he’s trans first, since it’s the scarier one, and then hit them with the bisexual one a couple days later when he tells them about his boyfriend of the time. They’re all very supportive, of course, especially since half the team is queer themselves (Emily = lesbian, JJ = aroace spec/queer, Penelope = genderqueer/pan). It’s also around this time where he becomes more open with all of the team, so he often is able to talk about his depression, anxiety, ptsd and autism/adhd with them, especially since most of them struggle with the same things. He doesn’t like talking about his addiction issues, though, and usually leaves that for his therapist and Narcotics Anonymous group.

[i actually ended up writing a fic related to this, which you can find here:

- this is canon, but can we fucking talk about how Gideon’s son Stephen and Spencer know each other somehow?? like when Gideon dies, Stephen and Spencer HUG. Like they def connected with e/o at some point AND ITS NEVER EXPANDED ON.

Hotch: straight, cis

Morgan: straight, cis

Spencer: demi-romantic (maybe gray romantic), bisexual, trans ftm, autissy/adhd, OCS

Emily: lesbian, cis, bipolar

JJ: lesbian, I think

Penelope: pan, genderqueer (or trans fem. I like both headcanons). Auadhd.

Luke: bisexual, trans ftm (or cis, I don’t care), adhd, PTSD.

- Throughout season 1-2, Spencer had a few on and off relationships with guys and girls, but nothing really sticks until a guy he meets mid to late season 3. After dating for quite a while, this is the boyfriend that Reid shows everyone. Eventually they break up because the boyfriend has to move away because of a job, which then opens everything up for Maeve, and then later the boyfriend and Spencer reunite and become a thing again. Idk how it’d fully work out yet bc I’m only mid season six, so I’ll come back to this when I’ve watched more.

- ^^boyfriend could possibly be Ethan

- Spencer is sensitive to smells while Emily is sensitive to lights

- JJ + Hotch go to the park every week with Jack and Henry

- Penelope hangs up when Reid starts rambling and when he calls back he makes her apologize

- Emily tries to get Hotch get a cat but Hotch is terrified of Sergio

- Reid writes letters to Elle sometimes, but she never writes back :((

- Hotch and Rossi went to Bingo together

- Spencer writes letters to Alex everyday AND SHE ACTUALLY RESPONDS. they send each other obscure crosswords for the other to complete, and they keep in contact as much as possible.

- Hotch is very overprotective (this is fucking canon)

- Penelope got Derek into Taylor swift but he won’t admit it. JJ and Derek blast Taylor swift in the car together and Derek doesn’t let her tell ANYONE

- JJ is always cold and Emily gives her her sweater

- Reid babysits Henry all the time and Henry brags about him to his friends. Reid ended up meeting Henry’s friends when he attended one of Henry’s friend birthday parties to supervise and he was the main attraction.

- Reid lost Henry babysitting once. They were in a museum and Reid almost had a panic attack. Reid made Henry hold his hand whenever they were out in a big, public place after that.

- Elle was the first person Spencer ever came out to as trans (and then she left)

- Reid is a cuddly drunk (though after Tobias Hankel, his sobriety in all forms becomes very important to him, so it’s super super rare for him to drink at all. He usually only does it bc of peer pressure + to be seen as normal)

- Spencer gets overstimulated a lot and Morgan brings stim toys in his pocket to help him. Penelope’s cave is also like a sensory haven, and Spencer is welcome in there any time if things become too much.

- additionally, Spencer’s sensory issues become worse when he isn’t sleeping well (he’s so me core), and so if this becomes a problem, the couch in Hotch’s office is always up for grabs if Spencer needs it. Morgan’s office too, which he uses more often purely bc he doesn’t want to bug Hotch and Morgan is like a brother to him, so it’s fine annoying him all he wants.

- “I don’t have red flags. I have fun facts.”

- Reid turns into a fucking goofball when around Garcia and Morgan

- Garcia + Emily likes to buy Reid funky socks they find (he has two whole drawers dedicated to his socks)

- Spencer is the first to comment whenever one of the girls gets a new hair cut. They love it.

- Whenever Spencer wants to talk about nerdy things, he talks to Emily bc she’s usually genuinely interested in it

- Spencer has doctor who marathons with Penelope w cosplay and themed food! And when Luke joins the team, he joins them too.

- Spencer goes to JJ’s + Will whenever he feels lonely, and will often randomly call members of the team (usually JJ, Emily, or Penelope) if he feels like he needs to talk to someone.

- Spencer was scared of Hotch + Morgan when he first joined the BAU.

- [EARLY SEASONS] Derek is usually the one who seeks out Spencer—not bc Spencer doesn’t want to be around Derek, but bc Spencer doesn’t want to feel like a burden if he asks to hang out. In the later seasons, they do it mutually

- Spencer doesn’t mind the team calling him kid or treating him like a kid bc his parents never treated him as one as a child, so it’s nice.

- Spencer had to put medical grade insoles into his converse after he got shot in the knee bc wearing hard ass converse without them hurt like a bitch

- Season 15 Episode 4, the Mack Meet-Cute. Still happens in my silly Ralvez timeline, but they end up just being really good friends. When Mack asks him if this was some long set up, he’s like “uh, no um, you’re good there. I have a boyfriend actually.” and she’s like “oh, well, sorry. I didn’t know you were gay.” and he’s like “uh, I’m bi actually, but uh, wasn’t expecting you to know.” And then they start this robin + Steve thing.

- Spencer really likes Luke’s grey hairs. The first time he noticed them, he full stopped, staring and then kissed Luke senseless.

this is me promoting my fics again. I wrote a Ralvez fic and you should read it :))

- Spencer going on a rant about Galelio and the Church when a local police said that the church is on the side of the people or something. Does the same thing whenever someone brings up astrology: “did you know astrology isn’t based on any scientific facts? To be a scientific practice, it needs to go through rigorous testing and be able to adapt and change to new discoveries, but astrology hasn’t changed in 2000 years—“

- Spencer is amunocompromised after the anthrax incident, which he often forgets about. He will get a cold, and he’ll be like “meh it’s just a cold whateves”, go to work and then be like “this is absolutely the worst idea I’ve ever had wtf”

- Spencer often forgets he’s disabled. He’ll be doing smth, and then his disability will disable him and he’ll be like “oh yeah, forgot that was a thing”. Ie/ forgets he’s autistic until he has a shutdown in the middle of the workday, forgets he has knee problems until he has a flare up and can’t walk up stairs w/o his brace.

- In the first few years of his time at the BAU (age 22-25, two years before season 1-season 2), Derek always made fun of Spencer for not “getting some” or “going on any dates”, which annoyed Spencer to no end, and also hurt him a lot since Derek just assumed he was that unloveable/undesirable. In actuality, Spencer had gotten out of a really rough break up with Ethan right before he entered the BAU, and wasn’t looking for anything solid or long term, especially since he’s Demi-romantic, and then proceeded to get all messed up with Dilaudid. It wasn’t until years later when the two were talking about it, after Spencer had came out, that Spencer told Derek this and Derek felt awful.

- Spencer can’t eat fish anymore bc of Tobias Hankel burning it when he was kidnappped. The smell also makes him nauseous, doubled up with his sensitivity to smells, it’s awful for him. After some time, it’s a lot easier to bear when ppl around him are eating it, but it still takes him back there if he’s especially vulnerable. The team knows about this, whether it’s bc he told them or bc they picked up on it, so they avoid eating fish around him and they make sure to get him food that isn’t fish.

- Spencer can’t do INAPPROPRIATE THINGS on his knees bc it hurts too much, but still insists anyways and Luke has to be like “dude, there r other ways to do this” until Spencer concedes

- Garcia is usually the only privy to Spencer’s dating life. Well, he doesn’t have much of one, but when he dOES, she’s privy to it. It just happens when you’re one of the few queer and neurodivergent and some kind of aroace spec ppl on the team. Spencer doesn’t really share much about his dating life with the rest of the team, so Garcia is very proud of the fact that spencer chooses to confide in her and treasures it with the upmost honour. It’s one of the few things she can keep a secret about, mainly bc of how important it is to spencer. She is the first one to know when he starts seeing someone, and the person he texts to indulge in ice cream with when they break up (specifically with OC love interest). The only time this doesn’t happen is when Spencer starts seeing Luke, mainly bc Spencer is scared of how she’d react. When spencer does end up telling her, she’s deeply sorry and she cries and Spencer’s like it’s okay! It’s okay! It’s not that bad! And she’s like no it’s not okay! And they have a doctor who marathon the three of them to make up for it, where Penelope lightly shovel talks luke, but mostly apologises for how she treated him.

- Garcia listens to Electronic Music, Emily listens to Dubstep

- Garcia + Hotch have a Father/Daughter relationship

[beaisdifferent]

ADHD: How Did I know?

About a year ago now, I was in my kitchen with my then boyfriend.  I don’t remember what we were talking about as I cooked dinner, just that we were talking as we always did, with me jumping between points of conversation that were very obviously connected for me, but that he needed a roadmap to follow. 

Eventually he stopped me.  “Have you ever considered you have ADHD?”

I laughed and brushed him off.  Obviously I didn’t have ADHD.  I could sometimes sit still doing the same thing for hours.  In fact sometimes it was like I couldn’t do anything else!  And I got good grades in school.  So obviously I didn’t have ADHD.

Those two factors were literally my only defense against the idea.  If anything, it was probably just my probably-autism.  Later that week I brought the conversation up with my therapist, probably rolling my eyes like I knew what I was talking about.  She frowned thoughtfully, and I watched her think back on all our sessions.  Pshh, come on.  I could hear my father in the back of my mind, everyone has ADHD these days, nobody had it when I was a kid, maybe they need a good spanking to sit still, its just a way to make money by drugging up kids.  Then her voice cut overtop my dad’s.  “We should look into this.”  She sent me a few forms, pre-assessment questionnaires to determine if getting officially tested would be worth it.

I read the questions for ADHD.

Uh oh.

Uh oh.

UH OH.

It’s all very me.

It had already figured I had autism spectrum disorder for a while, did I actually have ADHD?  Did I have both?  Was that even possible?

It had me nervous and curious, so I went deep diving.  I read on the experiences of people with ADHD, particularly adult women, and found discomforting relatability.  Then it became comforting relatability.  Could it be that all these things I hate about myself are actually symptoms of some funky wiring in my brain rather than personality flaws?  I also learned that while the topic is still being researched (thank goodness, don’t ever let the research stop), it is very possible to have both ADHD and autism.  It’s not even that uncommon.

So, I went and officially got tested, and received Autism and ADHD stamp of authenticity.

I was a month away from turning twenty-four, finally given an answer an answer to a lifetime of questions.  Questions I had stopped asking.  Questions like, why is it so hard to make friends?  Why can’t I remember to do simple things?  Why does life seem so overwhelming for me when everyone else seems to manage it just fine?  Why do my emotions feel so overwhelming and uncontrollable.  Why do I feel paralyzed in the face of things I know I can do?  I had accepted the answer I was given by people who didn’t know any better than I did.  I was lazy, clearly didn’t care, was just anxious, etc., etc., bullshit.

I’ve spent a lot of time this year looking back on my life, reframing things with this new understanding.  I had a label, I had an answer, I had a community.  I was neurodivergent.  I connected with a friend with ADHD and found we had even more in common than I thought we did.  So many things that had been a target of self-loathing for me were now a target of understanding, things that could be helped with the right supports in place.

It changed everything.  And it has continued to change everything.  And that super smart boyfriend became my super smart husband a few weeks ago, so the changes have been for the better.

Visit my blog at beaisdifferent.wordpress.com for a neurodivergent perspective every Tuesday at 9:00 am EST.

[saturn-sends-hugs]

Fuck it, I’m seeing a lot of talk about Echo being a picky eater recently and I think I want to add my two neurodivergent cents to it lol

Firstly, I think it’s important to note that Echo is autistic. I know this hasn’t been stated anywhere or anything, but listing out his character quirks makes it pretty clear.

He repeats orders, arguing with his batch when they don’t follow them, and worries about doing things wrong. This feels like a safety thing to me, almost like telling kids in class to be quiet when the teacher is talking for no other reason than it feels right and them breaking rules is stressful. (can you tell I’m speaking from experience cause this whole post will be me speaking from experience bkshsjsks)

He reads and memorizes the reg manuals, liking to be caught up on the latest versions. Again, this feels like a safety thing; him wanting to know how things will work ahead of time so he can be prepared in every situation.

He doesn’t like being wrong, like when we see him refusing to back down on thinking the Seperatists Senator’s distress call is a trap (Avi Singh I think?). Even when the evidence starts poking holes in his theory, he doesn’t want to let it go. I’m not sure how to explain how this relates to autism other than that fact that autistic people just don’t like being wrong? Like it’s just hard to admit that and it’s almost scary to change your mind like that sometimes? Idrk honestly, I’m DEFINITELY not an expert lol, just saying my piece

So many of Echo’s character quirks relate directly to autism, and all of them are things I strongly relate to. (yes this is why he’s my favorite shush)

But most of all is his picky eating. And uh, this might actually get a tad heavy here but I hope this can maybe share an accurate perspective on it?

Many autistic people are fairly picky eaters, something I’ve definitely struggled with since I was born. We see Echo being skeptical of food multiple times, especially when they’re new to him. We see him eating rations bars, which would be familiar, without a second thought, but new things he’s extremely hesitant to try.

With that in mind and the headcanon (kinda) that he’s autistic, this sounds a lot like ARFID to me.

ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) is tricky to describe since there’s nothing conscious to it, its just somewhat of a mental hurdle? Like there’s a point you just can’t cross no matter what, a bit like ADHD and executive dysfunction, expect a lot stronger lol. It’s pretty much just picky eating to the extreme that a person cannot control and just makes your choices extremely limited when it comes to food.

This makes it difficult (ahem, impossible) to do seemingly basic things like trying absolutely any new foods. There are a few safe ones, maybe even a category of foods that are almost completely safe (for me: most deserts or fruits), but anything outside of that is different, it’s new, and it does not feel safe. When I say picky eating to the extreme, I mean extreme. If I’m literally starving, haven’t eaten in way too long, but the only things available aren’t safe foods? Well too bad guess I’m not eating today 🤷 It’s not much of a choice, it’s just being trapped by your own neurodivergent brain 🫠🫠🫠

It can feel childish and incredibly alienating to constantly turn down new foods or restaurants, or to order the same thing every time from a restaurant, off the kids menu or with special requests, and I just think that piece is being missed in Echo’s picky eating. Now I’m not telling anyone to stop making it a humorous thing cause it totally is in the show, but hey, I’m always here for the angst potential :)

Like what if the reason Echo still looks malnourished after joining the batch is because his safe foods like typical rations just aren’t readily available after the Empire springs up? What if the batch is on shore leave and decide to go to a restaurant and Echo has to either turn them down and explain, or force himself to go and try to tough it out? What if one of the batch makes a joke about Echo’s picky eating, just trying to make conversation or something, but Echo just fully shuts down? Maybe even Domino would joke about it at first, until Fives learned better and started helping Echo, but uhoh now he’s gone and Echo has to figure things out all over again with a new batch 🥲

Is this a fictional character that was grossed out by foods like two times and I’m just heavily projecting onto? Yeah, sure, but hey, I’d love to see more people recognizing this side of it and maybe connecting with it too :)

@gentle-hero-blog thanks for letting me sob abt this literally the minute u got home bkshsjskk <3333

[lanceappreciationblog]

for the cape ask, this are just edits of official art, but i like to think the dragon clan in Johto have scales stitched into the coloured underside of their capes! so Lance’s cape has subtle pinkish maroon scales, and Clair’s has these purpleish scales stitched in. i feel like it would tie the cape significance to Johto’s dragon trainers, so i try to give them cape scales.

i also think the inside liner has this silky kind of feel too it, maybe it isn’t silk but it would probably feel similar.

also golden cape chains because i just like giving him gold jewelry accents

not fully Lance related but its known Lance is cape obsessed and owns a lot of the same one, “just in case”. Clair gives him a hard time in masters about asking Alder about his jacket, so to me Clair doesn’t own as many cape duplicates, and her cape is a bit more torn up than Lance’s, since she doesn’t replace it as often.

when Lance gets cold he hides in his cape, wraps it around himself like a portable blanket, this is just canon at this point

and lastly: Lance autism truther, i like to think he’s gotten subtle about soothing tactics in stressful situations where he’s forced to be idle, pinching cape fabric in his fingers and rubbing his cape is extremely calming. usually his capes have faint worn out sports from where he just rubs his cape. if someone goes to lunch with him, he’s probably doing that under the table and no one has a clue

sorry this is long !! i got excited :))

I love this!! Lance always did classify is capes as "custom made" so it'd make so much sense if he gave the tailor a ton of intricate directions for what he wants it have. And his cape being tied to his family heritage is a big fave of mine!!

Clair to me is also the same way. She gets her custom made to her liking but Lance however is SUPER extra about the whole cape thing. It's his special interest your honor!

[stargazeraldroth]

Dark Choco Cookie Headcanons

 ... But they’re all very specific to how I interpret his character and includes self-projection, because I am due for a reality check and God has not been vibing with my rancid maladaptive daydreaming.

(PS: I won’t be doing any headcanons regarding the Strawberry Jam Sword because all of my headcanons are tied to one of my OCs, so yeah)

TW (CW?) for mentions of suicidal ideation and eating disorders (there’s nothing too in-depth or detailed, but they do get mentioned). If there’s anything I missed you can add them in the tags

- He’s demiromantic asexual

- The “Young Prince” costume/stage of his character represents his teenage years. I’m thinking from about... maybe 14-18? When do people in South Korea get officially recognized as adults? (since, y’know, Dark Cacao Kingdom is based on Korea)

- He was an absolute menace during his teenage years. I’m talking an absolute GREMLIN. Absolutely feral. If there’s a way to get into trouble, he’s doing it. Dark Cacao Cookie had to get a child leash for his TEENAGER

- This man cannot cook for shit. If any of you play Genshin Impact, think of the Raiden Shogun and how you literally cannot use her to cook, except its worse. You guys know those jokes about people cooking and some unknown substance comes out, but it’s actually alive? THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. You let this man make ANYTHING, be prepared to deal with the Living Abyss 2.0 because he’s recreating the Licorice Sea in that pot

- With that being said, there’s even a sign in the Black Citadel and COD’s lair that reads “Dark Choco Cookie, NO”. Bro isn’t even allowed to step foot into a kitchen anymore (the Cookies of Darkness learned the hard way)

Poison Mushroom Cookie: Do you remember... the Shroomies incident?

Pomegranate Cookie: We agreed to never speak of the Shroomies incident ever again.

- Similar to how I headcanon Dark Cacao Cookie, Dark Choco Cookie is actually fully resistant/immune to the cold. If anything, it just makes him stronger. On the contrary, he doesn’t do well with hotter temperatures and will literally get sick is exposed to heat for too long

- He is... gender~ (when I picture him in my head, I do not picture a man nor a woman. I picture gender)

- When he was younger, he had a music box that he treasured a lot. It would help him fall asleep as a child and the nostalgic value carried into his teenage years. It’s still in his old bedroom, collecting dust, and playing it will only give a sad, broken version of the once lovely melody

- He knows how to dox (is it spelled dox or doxx) people, but he’s never done it because he doesn’t have a reason to (just you wait Pomegranate Cookie)

- Bro probably has insomnia and an eating disorder, or had them at some point in the past

- He has a weird obsession with lemon-scented cleaning products. If it doesn’t smell like lemons, or at least like some kind of citrus, he’s not using it

- He has/had a habit of running his hand through his hair, playing with his hair, chewing his hair, and just... holding it in his mouth. After his hair got cut short, he would instinctively reach back to grab his hair, only to grab nothing

- He has severe ADHD and autism (if I have to suffer them so does he)

- He has a math-related disability. The numbers just don’t compute, the logic doesn’t work. He can do basic math and that’s it (same as above)

- He plays Skyrim and somehow always ends up as a stealth archer thief

- He watches ASMR compilations to fall asleep and never ends up falling asleep

- He gets the crispy chicken sandwich from McDonald’s

- His favorite sodas are Dr. Pepper and the cherry Pepsi and Coke

- He listens to a combo of Melanie Martinez, Vocaloid, Billie Eilish, Twenty One Pilots, you get the idea

- When he was younger, he was very curious about the Licorice Sea, almost to a concerning degree. There were many times where he would try to sneak away to the shore to get closer to it, in some cases being caught trying to go into the sea. During the COD’s mission, even though he was able to keep himself from wandering off, they noticed how he seemed to absentmindedly stare into the horizon of the ocean. To this day, no one knows why he was kept in such a trance by the cursed waters

- When he was younger, like teenage years, he struggled with intense pyromaniac tendencies. He could not be left alone with matches, lighters, explosives, anything

- While he’s not actively suicidal, he is passively suicidal

- He has maladaptive daydreaming (bro imagine how boring and empty his childhood was)

[reficu1]

Heya! Can I get a match up if that's cool with you? I'm shooting for a male character from Danganronpa, V3 & GD specifically!

I'm an 5"11' Aries, ENFP demigirl who uses they/she/it pronouns and is also pansexual + asexual with autism & adhd. My personality can be summed up as energetic, creative, and selfless. I like making new friends and doing anything fun at any time I can. I can also be a bit chaotic at times (iykyk) and will sometimes cause mischief if the mood is right, but all for playful fun! Nothing serious.

I'm also very creative in terms of idea that I utilize in story writing, always building worlds and characters when the motivation and inspiration hits. As for selfless? I care a lot for my friends and I'm willing to do whatever I can to help them, even if its just listening to them while they vent.

Some of my hobbies include writing as I do it a lot whenever I have ideas, playing video games by myself or with friends, listening to music / watching videos, and sending memes to my friends every once in awhile. In terms of my interests, I love anything Halloween (like the holiday), Danganronpa, Astrology (in a way that counts Sailor Moon too) and so forth!

I hope this is enough info for you to work with, overall thank you for taking this match up request and I hope you have a wonderful day / night! :)

I match up for you...

Ryoma Hoshi.

Maybe he has a depressive, unapproachable character. But Hoshi will support you and your mood. In relation to you, he will act as a more mature figure who will not hold you back as a parent, as you might think, but as a good listener and adviser. He will support you for all your ideas. Looking at your concern for your friends, he obviously doesn't want you to feel sorry for him or something like that, since he considers himself unworthy of this, but if you try hard, then after a while Hoshi will allow this and remain silent.

Ibuki Mioda.

I'm sure Ibuki will catch your vibe and mood wave. She will approach your work with admiration, even if it is not related to music, she will be happy to join you, just to maintain any positive relationship with you. You have a complete identical relationship, but she won’t be able to help you with some problem, but she will try to give you moral support

[moibakadesu]

questions for Haruka,Fuuta and Muu

favorite song lyrics?

favorite mv moment/frame?

do you forgive/not forgive their crime on its own?

do you have any similarities with them/relate to something in them?what do you think their childhood/teenage years were like?

favorite relationships with another character in the prison?

what do you wish would be discussed more often about them in the fandom?

I'm rolling these up bit by bit now, they had been marinating in my inbox for a while.

Haruka

1. Favorite song lyrics?

Let’s pick one from both Weakness as well as AKAA, shall we?

“It’s fine, though it’s really not 

It’s really fine, though I don’t really think so”

Haruka so often gives off the impression that he doesn’t care about being treated badly, if it does mean attention, but these lyrics show so clearly that in actuality he doesn’t feel that way.

“Mommy, look,

I’ve done great

“There there, my good boy!””

The delivery on this is just so good, I love how he switches up his voice so smoothly there.

2. Favorite MV moment/frame? 

I don’t have to pick only one, right? Because I can’t decide, waha. (Every frame of Haruka is my favourite frame.)

6. Favorite relationships with another character in the prison?

That should be obvious, right? Of course Fuuta. I had gone into detail with that often enough, so I will keep it simple, but the way Fuuta is so protective over Haruka is what captured my heart. And in turn how Haruka started approaching Fuuta on his own, despite the first impression that he is scary. I’m pretty sure these two could have been very good and even healing for each other if things would have gone differently with the t1 verdicts, but well, can’t change that anymore. Right now I just hope that Fuuta will be there to catch Haruka in t3, because they made sure that it is clear that he still cares deeply.

9. Do you forgive/not forgive their crime on its own? 

I absolutely do forgive him. Especially if it really turned out to be suicide. Even if it wasn’t, in my eyes Haruka is the biggest victim in his case, and his mother the true culprit. If Haruka would have gotten the care and love he needed and deserved it would have never gotten to this tragedy, and I think that is the saddest part.

12. What do you wish would be discussed more often about them in the fandom?

Hmm, probably his own urgency as a character, without attaching him to Muu or anything, because that is annoying as hell. As interesting as it sort of is for the overall storyline and giving different incentives to vote different ways, I was never a fan of having outside factors influence the fate of a character so strongly if the thing we are meant to judge is their sin.

I also would love it if people would take more note of the fact that being overly infantilized and babyed is not what Haruka wants at all. Yes, he wants someone to give affection and attention to him, but he also has voiced on multiple occasions that he just wants a normal life, he wants to be strong and interesting … he does not want to be defined by his disabilities and I think a lot of people misunderstand that about Haruka.

19. What do you think their childhood/teenage years were like? 

Pppfff, definitely not as good as he likes to make us think. I think his mother was already not that great to him even before his disabilities became more apparent. He probably had an extremely isolated life. I am also always torn between him getting locked up at home or maybe even having been at a mental institution. 

21. Do you have any similarities with them/relate to something in them?

Ahahah.

Crippling abandonment issues and autism. Getting attached to people quickly if they are nice and then not caring enough for my own wellbeing.

Fuuta

1. Favorite song lyrics?

You just gotta love how Bring it on’s lyrics are already so full of regret and self-loathing if you look at them properly.

“You already knew, the whole time

You can’t escape, how do you like the taste of punishment

You already noticed, right? What you gonna do

Bring it on! Those who believe in justice assemble!

You gotta be kidding, I’m an undead hero”

I have a hard time not quoting all of Backdraft here, because the lyrics are just so good, and I love the delivery of a lot of them a lot.

But I will pick this here, because it is so descriptive of Fuuta trying to put up a strong act and also some clever play of words:

“Pick up your mouth-piece

Grind your teeth and strike a pose

Just like O2, burn yourselves into oblivion”

2. Favorite MV moment/frame? 

Like with Haruka I have a very hard time picking here, because I love all the Fuutas …

Shoutout to this exact Undercover frame tho, because I think he is just incredibly handsome in that one (I love Fuuta dearly, but I don’t call him handsome in a lot of situations, waha)

6. Favorite relationships with another character in the prison?

See above at Haruka’s answer. But I also think it is cute how he warmed up to Kazui and Shidou after getting help from them, after only seeing them as “useless adults” before.

9. Do you forgive/not forgive their crime on its own? 

Cancel culture is terrible and Fuuta knows damn well that he fucked up and took his SJW shit way too far, so yeah, I doubt he would ever repeat anything like that again, so I do forgive it. People like him can change, I did see it a few times. (Antis that were assholes towards me and ended up coming around and getting rid of that mindset.)

12. What do you wish would be discussed more often about them in the fandom?

There are so many people treating the “Fuuta doxxed the girl” as canon fact, even though we don’t have any confirmation of that? It is just blatant misinformation born from western fans misinterpreting his Undercover shot where he is seen with his phone at the funeral of the victim as him taking a picture of her home. We know that he was aware where she lived, but we don’t know if there ever was something done from his side with that information.

I’d also love it if people would see him as more than an angry gamer or one-dimensional tsundere, because there is sooo much more to him.

19. What do you think their childhood/teenage years were like? 

I am pretty sure Fuuta was not a popular kid and was most likely also bullied in school. To me his black and white view on justice and need for validation very much feels like that. 

I also have this thought that he might have aspired to a career with soccer, but that dream didn’t work out, adding to his “whatever”-stance on work and the future.

21. Do you have any similarities with them/relate to something in them?

Sadly I am a bit of a Fuuta kinnie. /hj

I am a ball of insecurities and try to hide that a lot with tough behavior. Bleak outlook at society and the future as a whole, but gotta make it work. Gender very much “is what it is”. Small redhead.

At least I am very much the opposite of a SJW.

Muu:

1. Favorite song lyrics?

I have to say, the “rap” part of AP is pretty neat (I do like both of her songs quite a lot, I give her that), and I think that part also shows a lot of her victim mentality:

“Let’s meet up inside the pain, a place just for me

Postmortem makeup to hide my heart, how to solve it is a secret

The stabbing of the little devil’s voice, counterattack being a suicide note”

And controversial take, but:

“I am relieved, I am always the drama queen”

To be exact the time where she screams that at the viewer, I hate-love that part. And in my opinion “drama queen” is the perfect translation for “I am always to be pitied”, it is in essence really the same. Just a lot more of her victim complex at display.

2. Favorite MV moment/frame? 

I cannot stand the girl, but she has plenty of good scenes. I also just really like her bee design.

And special mention for Rei looking disgusted, because she is best girl and that is how I look at Muu most of the time as well.

6. Favorite relationships with another character in the prison?

None? Wahaha, I like how openly Yuno shows her disdain for Muu though, because same.

9. Do you forgive/not forgive their crime on its own? 

Girl started the bullying, acted like a victim and then murdered someone without feeling remorse or feeling wrong about it in any way … honestly, Muu is pretty much my top candidate for a t3 guilty, I have not a shred of sympathy for her.

12. What do you wish would be discussed more often about them in the fandom?

I honestly keep away from a lot of corners of the fandom, so I’m not sure which parts of her haven’t been discussed that much, but probably the fact that she is a pretty obvious case of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and a gigantic victim complex. I found that a lot of Muu fans try to frame her as a perfect little angel who has suffered so much and has a slightly wonky view of friendships, but in my eyes that is not her at all? It is okay to embrace the bad sides of a character as well, you don’t have to justify everything. The characters in Milgram are written very “real” and it is not surprising if some have a personality that is not very pleasant.

So taking all of this into account I suspect that Muu did not experience the extent of bullying that she likes to make us believe. We never see her disheveled or wet in her MVs, contrary to Rei. The prisoners cannot lie in their MVs, but they are 

19. What do you think their childhood/teenage years were like? 

Pampered. Mommy and daddy’s little darling. Always got everything she ever wanted from everyone. Just a spoiled little princess from the moment she was born, basically.

21. Do you have any similarities with them/relate to something in them?

Thankfully not.

[electrosair]

hi! I saw your post requesting requests and figured I'd bite.

In terms of free time and hobbies, I enjoy collecting things. Whether it be mushrooms and flowers from the forest behind my house, trinkets found in antique stores, an ore or mineral to add to my rock collection, diagrams of steam and diesel locomotives, or bones of small critters, I probably have a small amount handy somewhere. I actually do enjoy gifting random stuff I find as I am collecting shiny objects. So definitely not a hoarder situation, mind you.

As a person I've been described as "a gremlin with crow like tendencies" by close friends, which, fair, I guess. I like giving more than being given gifts because we got that childhood trauma and religious/debt guilt up in this bitch. (I'm bitches and God bless America ig.)

To those who don't know me well, I come off as intimidating because I always scowl and rarely speak. Which is not true, my face is just Like That. It's hard to express emotions man, thems shits confuddling. Don't even get me started on the difficulty of speaking vocally, you cannot autocorrect sounds and it's hard to describe things in the moment!

But alas, the Autism decided I shall take the L and stutter when confronted into a social situation.

I'm partial to Liyue due to my ancestry, and appreciation of culture present in its lands. The story of the Adepti fascinates me, and I can see that a lot of Chinese mythos and auspicious symbolism is placed into this love letter to Chinese history. And the music! I can listen to Azhdaha's boss theme and never tire of it. I can relisten to the tale of streetward rambler and Guizhong and fail not to cry doing so. It's so rich in history that I cannot help but feel in awe of it all.

And my favorite element? Geo. Because I vibe with it deeply. It's the element of foundation, stability in life's tumultuous waves of chaos. It's sturdy and tenacious, which I relate to as the eldest sibling growing up protecting my younger sibling. If I were a Geo Vision wielder, I'd probably be a shield/tank character, because I'd be able to protect those I hold dear from danger.

Yours truly,

🪨 Anon

omg do i have my first anon right here??? if yes i'd love to make a list of anons 💔 i loved writing this so much, so please gimme more, i'm begging

Zhongli!

He probably finds it fascinating that you collect so many little things, especially the rocks and minerals. He would love to go on long nature walks with you, I feel you would both learn new things with each other's company and knowledge.

When he saw/heard you say that giving gifts you like more than receiving them his heart melted, you definitely have his interest won. Little by little he would try to convince you to accept small gifts that he can give you, like taking you to antique stores, to restaurants or bringing you new ores that you are missing in your collection.

The first time he saw you and got to talk to you maybe you found it awkward or something like that, but it was certainly impressive for him to try to get to know you and your interests more closely.

And the fact that you are related to Liyue thanks to your origins only makes it more interesting. It makes me think that maybe you met him by doing more research on the topics you like.

In short, he would love to hear you talk and then give his own opinions or read you some of the old stories that only he knows so well, adding facts to make sure it is something more detailed to what you might have heard, he may want to surprise you to keep you closer to him.

[asteroidblocking]

Got back into UnderTale and the AU community, sooo me and a friend in a discord made a ship and a ship child! (I feel like making one is a right of passage in this fandom lol)

Meet Mariner1!

The ship child of OuterSwap!Sans (who was dubbed Star-Dust as a nickname) and Error!Sans. The shipname is SwapNova! Swap comes from Star-Dust, and as supernovas are the destruction of stars, Nova comes from Error!

Mari was ofc named after a space craft fail! Another reason I chose it is because of the fact that it was a typo that caused the failure, and Mari couldve been named Typo instead.

Notes about Mariner1:

- He was formed from a time Error and Star-Dust met, in which they fought immediately within sight of each other out of panic. Before Error realized this was a combination of two AU's he likes and left.

- He has chronic pain, as Errors glitches canonically cause him pain, they cause Mariner pain too. His pain doesnt get in the way of his life often, but that is only because he got used to it with time. When he was a small child, it was extremely bad and often had him at home in bed. Presently, its dull, but flares up randomly and without cause some days. On bad days he doesn't really move from his bed, often lying there and only getting up to alarms for food times, or to use the bathroom. Pain relieving medication doesn't really work on him.

-He has some sight problems due to the glitches and the fact that his right socket is never fully open like his left is. Usually he solves this by just closing his right eye, but he cannot do that all of the time. And he doesn't like the idea of glasses.

- Mariner1 is autistic. This affects a lot about his life and relationships with people.

-His autism finds most any touch rather weird and uncomfortable feeling, while not painful, he wont actively seek it, or look for it. Which makes others think of him as rather withdrawn. (This also applies to his own touch to himself, he does not like when his phalanges all touch eachother if he can help it. Theres always a minescule amount of space between them.)

- He doesn't speak aloud often. Only sometimes randomly or when he thinks its necessary. He is rather quiet, until he isn't. Usually when away from people he searches for stars to mess around with. Mostly finding old ones to blow up. That is when he gets loud.

-this doesn't mean that never opens his mouth except for rarely speaking and eating though. Quite the opposite in fact. As his strings come from his mouth, hes often seen with his mouth hung open, and maybe a phalange or two inside of it. He does this absentmindedly, this causes a slight drooling problem. But can be fixed by giving him something to do with his hands, and by giving him chewlery. He likes to eat the rubber though.

-His special interests arent considered normal to most people as well, those interests being jesters, bells, lost space craft and humans, and overall any weird disturbing things related to space, as well as anything to do with fires and explosions. Generally, people find him "disturbing" and "freaky".

Those are only some notes, if anyone has questions i might open up an Ask Mariner1 Blog for him! If i dont ill just dm it or add to this post and screenshot and tag the asker.

[twsthc]

oooo if you ever wanna talk abt caters system my dms are always open!!! :D also i wish you luck on your journey, ik how confusing it is in the beggining (i have did) ,,,, im sure youll figure it out, slowly! and i know some stuff abt it so if you want to learn lmk :]

i also have a hc of ortho osdd-1a or 1b :3c im not so sure on the specifics but ye

now to the rambling!!!

for floyd i go off some HCs i have for her, like him having the adhd + autism + bpd combo, which makes him a very unstable fella. i also HC that the coral sea was Rough, principally where he comes from, so the circumstances werent at her favour and Boom, did system

some of his alters are sea-life based, but brainmade, with a ton of diff species! the others are based off songs she likes & characters she sees herself in/relates to! sometimes the characters resemble jade, too. theres only a few trauma holders, most are protectors or soothers, and some persecutors!

theyre like. that weird, big family down the street. they all like each other a lot but they looove to bicker and brawl and all of that. ALSO all of them Love jade too! they see him the same way they see floyd :D shes included in their weird family, floyd says shes an honorary member of his system!!

iii think his inner world would be like. a beach house! close to the sea and such, cause hes a mermaid but he also likes having legs. so beach house it is! its veey big and lively! i also think hed learn it after he comes to land, maybe in the middle of his freshman year, but he wasnt very affected by it. hes also very open about it he does not give two shits lol

for riddle... its canon that her childhood was shitty, ever since she was old enough to talk & walk, so its no wonder hes a system too lol. i hc her as autistic + bpd and that heavily influenciated the whole splitting too

she has some brainmades, mostly based on flowers & animals (ladybug & rabbit), But i also HC that she has some alters from an old novel she red while small ! one he loved soo much and his brain split the guys. i even have their roles (soother, protector, gatekeeper, and some others) but anyways! most of her alters are either from books or brainmade, and theres a shitton of trauma holders. she has like only 1 or 2 guys from songs cater showed her and Thats It. no more song guys lol

most of them are either very smart and prideful and all of that, or theyre sillay. very funny fellas, love having fun, but still smart as hell !

after her overblot he like. split three or five more in a week 😭😭 it sucked ass and he had an awful headache for days. + he was only made aware of her system After the overblot, during the recuperation week, bc the other alters went to check on her, and it was. Something. she told cater & trey right away and they helped her navigate it all, then she told adeuce duo too and some other few close friends!

i hc that her inner world is a big ass red white pink and black castke, in the middle of a very dense florest, with a maze and all. the fauna & flora are kinda diverse and all ! very pretty :]]

also i am. a big fan of florid..... and i think theyd start dating someday. and when they do. they turn into partner systems (if u dont know what it is lmk) and lots of other alters from their systems start dating too lol. they take turns to stay w their s/o.... theyre all so annoying and cute

(i have some names for their systems too.... rosewell for riddle's and vortice for floyd's... yay)

and PLLSS tell me abt kalim osdd . if u want. i love him so much hes my special gal !!! im interested in the HC :D it makes sense. in mah head

anyways hope the rambling entertained you!!! the voices in my head told me my HCs and to me these voices are right. theyre very real

⚠️ mention of kidnapping

OKGGMGMNE i love this. all of my alters hate me #cantrelate floyd. i will be n ur dms soon...

for cater i have an entire google slide of alters that's unfinished but ill send that to you later :3

i don't really have much to add.. very cute very real.. 5 stars would dine again..

UHH ALSO KALIM OSDD3 i think when shes distressed she disassociates for a few hours and after jamils OB she was out for a week; her brains response to the kidnappings and other traumatic shit she was put thru. i don't hc her to have alters tho! one of my RAMCOA friends hcs her to have HC-DID tho!

i also think the human brain is super interesting.. i was wondering how traumatic events would effect merpeople/beastmen differently so it's interesting to see someone hc floyd as someone affected by his upbringing. i think there's a thin line of difference between what's considered normal/traumatic for humans and non humans (for example, jade being implied to eat his and floyds siblings is considered normal, but would the violence down there be?)