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zmayadw · 4 years ago

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Evening to all :)

Time for the next part :)

Have a nice evening :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 10

I woke up with a terrible taste in my mouth. I had no clue what time was it, but the sun was out already, making me squint my eyes. I got in sitting position slowly, banging in my head intensifing with every move i made. Ugh, i'm never drinking again, i scolded myself. Squinting, I focused on the little alarm clock that was on the night stand. 10.34. Whoa, i cant remember the last time i slept this long. I got up from the bed and went to the bathroom. I filled the glass with wather, rinsing my mouth a few times before gulping down two glasses. My stomach growled at it, i just hoped not to throw up .Taking a shower would be a wise thing to do, so i just threw the clothes i had off and entered the shower. The warm water felt good, i just let it pour over me for a while. I wrapped myself in the towel taking some painkillers for the headache. Getting back to the room, i dressed up, and sat on the bed. I felt a bit better, but still not enough. Coffee, i tought, thats what i need now. I got up, going for the purse i threw on the floor when i got in, searching for my phone. Shit, i cursed, it wsnt there. I checked every pocket, even Jake's hoodie, but my phone was nowhere to be found. Crap, i probably left it at a the Aurora last night, when Jessy and me wer taking pictures. Or at lest i hoped so. Well, i was going for coffee, so i could stop at the Aurora eitherway. I grabbed my backpack with drawing stuff. Who knows, i might be up for some drawing, no matter I still felt woozy from last night drinking. I putted my sneakers on, grabed my stuff and car keys. Walking wasnt an option this time, i wasnt feeling well enough for it.

When i parked my car infront of the Aurora, I saw Dan's car was still there. I smiled as i left the car, guess i wasnt the only one sleeping late today. I hoped Phil was there already, and my phone too. I entered the Aurora, relieved at the sight of Phil behind the bar. I was washed with the smell of coffee, and as i neared the bar, I pleadingly said to him, sitting on the stool „Please, please, please, tell me i'm not wrong and that is coffee i can smell.“ Phil turned arround , not noticing me when i entered. He grinned at me „You are most definitly right! Would you like some?“ „Yes, pretty please.“ I said, as i putted my hand on the bar, and leaned my head on it as on a pillow. Phil chuckled at me „Want any sugar with it? Or milk?“ „Yes, please.“ I replied, and he vanished through the storage doors. He returned with a big cup of coffe putting it infront of me. I rised my head, took the cup, taking a deep breath of its smell, before taking a big sip of it. „Thanks, Phill, you're my saviour:“ i smiled at him as i settled it back on the bar. „Here to help.“ He said, winking. „Rough night?“ he asked teasingly. „Oh, i dont know how you can be so cheerful.“ I started „I feel like a truck hit me lastnight.“ He laughed „Practice to perfection.“ „I think i would need years of practice to be even close to that kind of perfection!“ i said, making a skeptical face. He smiled at me „So, to what do i owe the pleasure?“ he asked. „Dont get me wrong, im glad to see you“ he said, that devilish spark in his eyes again „But i doubt you came just to see me.“ „You caught me.“ I said, even tho it was nice seeing him. „I was hoping that i might have left my phone here yesterday.“ He shook his head at me, crouching down searchin for a few seconds under the bar, giving me my phone as he got up. „Better be carefull next time, good thing i noticed it as you left.“ „Yay, thanks Phil, again.“ I told him, giving him a big smile. „I owe you big time! Both for the phone, and coffee.“ His phone rang then „Sorry business calling. Be right back“ he said, answering his phone and going through the storage door. I checked my phone with him gone, finding out few missed calls and messages from Jessy. She was worried i havent answered her jet, so i decided to call her while waiting for Phil. The tone barely sugested it rang when Jessy's voice boomed from the other side. „Finaly! Do you know how worried i have been? Are you allright? Where wer you? Why didnt you answer me before?“ It made me smile a bit, her worrying for me like that was so sweet. „Im sooooo sorry Jessy“ i said pleadingly „I left my phone at Aurora last night, i just got here to get it.“ Phil returned at that point, and i mouthed to him 'Jessy's' name, indicating who i was talking to. Her voice boomed again, and i moved my phone a bit from my ear, wich made Phil laugh. „Ofcourse you did! Its no wonder after all the whiskey you had! Dan is still sleeping like a log! You two really had it last night!“ „Aww, Dont be cross, Jessy.“ I started pleadingly again „I promise next time we wont over do it.“ Phil was grining at me now, and i stuck my toung at him, trying to calm Jessy down. „C'mon, you cant tell me you didnt have some fun yesterday.“ I started „I have some pictures on my phone as a proof of it.“ Phil threw his thumb up, showing me i said a good thing, and i grined at him. „Alright, i admit last night wasnt all that bad.“ Jessy started, sounding calmer now „But you're still not off the hook completly.“ „Thanks, Jessy“ i started, grining as a sign of victory to Phil. „You can scold me some more at lunch, if the deal for it still stands.“ „Ofcourse!“ Jessy cined cheerfuly from the other side „Dan will be a sleep for God knows how long, and im already bored here.“ I quickly moved my phone from the ear checking the time. „Its 12.20 now, when do you want us to meet?“. „I'll meet you around 14 at the Aurora. I doubt Phil will mind you hanging there with him till then.“ She replied, teasing me. „Somehow i think you're right.“ I said, looking at Phil with a devilysh smile. „Cya later, Jessy.“ I sadi, lovering my phone. Phil looked at me,a bit confused „Wat was that about?“ „Oh, just Jessy being Jessy.“ I told him, grining. „Fine, fine, be all mysterious.“ He teased me. „Awww, c'mon, you wouldnt find me so interesting if i was an open book.“ I told him, smiling sheepeshly. He looked at me, with that intensifing look again, making me feel heat spreading through my body „You're not wrong about that.“ Crap, what are you doing again, Maya, i scolded myself. Phil was definatly into me, and i was toying with him like this. It really wasnt my intention, i didnt want him to get the wrong impression about anything. But it felt so easy for me, talking to Phil, compared to Jake. Why does all have to be so tough and complicated with him? It feels like walking on egg shells every time im with him: dont do this, dont say that. Shit, it shouldnt be that way, should it? Was i really that much into Jake? Blah, i dont know anything anymore. I wish he would be more open with me, it would make things so much easier. I was lost in my toughts when Phil finaly snaped me back to reality „Maya? You allright?“ I looked at him, shaking my head, to clear it from all the 'Jake' toughts. „Yeah, sorry.“ I started „Guess the coffee didnt kick in properly yet.“ Phil looked at me, and i could see he didnt really belive what i told him, but decided not to take the matter any further „If you say so.“ Was all he said. I smiled shyly at him. „Do you mind if i just hang here for an hour or so, before metting with Jessy? I dont feel up to driving back to motel, and the coffee isnt bad here either.“ I tried, smiling, waving my empty cup at him. Phil looked at me, rising one of his eyebrows, and smiled devilishly „How could i say no to a beautifull woman?“ He took my cup, winked at me vanishing through the storage doors. I could feel my cheeks flushing again, and my heart beating faster. Shit, shit, shit..

When Phil came back with another full cup of coffee i asked if its ok if I sit at one of the booths, to wich he said fine, since he did have some work to be done. I took my stuff and coffee setteling at the booth. I had a bit over an hour before metting with Jessy, i hoped some inspiration for work might come to me. I took my stuff out of the backpack, took my sneakers off, sitting with my feet up on the booths perch. I liked drawing like that. Leaning my drawing pad on my knees i tried to focus on my work, but my toughts just kept wondering off. I tought about Phil, sneaking glances towards the bar. He was good looking, always nice to me, even tho everyone warned me that he was a 'no good' considering women. He never showed any sign of it towards me. He was easygoing, i enjoyed his company, we definatly clicked. Then there is Jake. I was definatly drawn to him, cant deny that. When im near him, it feels like when a moth is drawn towards fire. Cant fight it, its driving me crazy. But nothing with him is easy. Its like taking one step forward, then not one, or even two, but ten steps back. Its so frustrating. And with all that had happened, i feel like all the progres we had was completly gone. My head was still too woozy for thinking of stuff like this. I setteled my drawing stuff down, taking my coffee, leaning back in the booth. Maybe Jessy would have some advice fore me. Two heads are smarter then one, or so they say. But i should definatly talk to Phil, at least try to explain things to him. I dont want him thinking im giving him some false hope here. As if he could sense my toughts, he turned around, took his coffee and walked towards me. „Mind if i join you?“ he asked, and i smiled „Ofcourse i dont. I guess my inspiration is still sleeping, so no work to be done at the moment.“ He grined „Thats good for me. I can have the pleasure of your company for some more then.“ I chuckled at that, siping some more of the coffee. But i tought again about talking with him about everything. My face must have gotten some serious expression, 'couse Phil looked at me a bit serious, before asking „Whats bothering you, Maya? I have a feeling you want to talk to me about something.“ I looked at him, those deep eyes of his gazing intensly at me, trying to dig up my toughts. „I do.“ I admitted after a moment „But to be hones, i dont know how to start .“ „Well, just do your best.“ He said, and i started to get the feeling of a knot at my stomach again. „Allright.“ I said, but the words didnt come easy after that. „I like you, Phill.“ I said finaly after a moment of silence. He chuckled „Ok, thats a good start.“ „Ah, but that was the easy part.“ I started „Now comes the tricky one.“ I could notice him tensing a bit, like he knew where this might lead to. „Ok, go on then.“ He said. „I enjoy your company, talking to you, its so easygoing. I feel we clicked, that theres some 'spark' between us, and i know you noticed the same.“ „You're right about that.“ He replied. „But..“ i started, and Phil interupted me, sighing „Ahh, there it is, the famous 'but' part.“ „Please, Phil, just let me say what i have, then you can hate me.“ He looked at me, his face getting a soft touch „I couldnt hate you, Maya.“ „Dont say it untill im not done talking.“ I said, a bit sadness creeping to my voice. „Alright. Please, continue.“ „Ok. As i started earlier,i like you, but i dont want to get your hopes up.“ I settled my coffe on the table, my hands fidgeting with the cup. Why was this so hard? „Shit, Phil, im a complete mess at the moment.“ I started „I myself dont know what i want, and its tearing me up inside. There is someone, and i dont know where I stand with him. And i dont want to start something new, if im not a 100% sure that its the right thing, that its something i really want. With no loose ends catching up on me.“ I looked up at Phil, him still not taking his eyes off me. „Am i making any sense to you here?“ i asked, lovering my head. I really didnt want to have this conversation, but that was me being honest. All of a sudden, i could feel Phil's hand covering mine, and i looked back up at him. He still had that softness written all over his face. „I appriciate your honesty, Maya.“ He started „Now let me be honest also.“ „Ofcourse“ i said „I expect nothing less.“ „Good.“ He looked at me more serious now. „You know i like you, you said it yourself. I dont know why, but i felt drawn to you the moment i saw you. Theres something in you that makes a man bedazled by you, i cant explain it differently.“ He paused for a moment before continuing. „And i get it, you dont want to get into something half hearted. And i applaud you for that. Because, if anything was to happen between us, i wouldnt want it that way either.“ He looked at me now, his gaze intensifing again, and i started to feel that heat again. „If it was to happen“ he continued „I would prefere if you wer in it with every inch of your body and soul.“ I was mesmerized by his words. He was so open with me, the words came so easy to him. Why cant it be like this with Jake. „Allrighty, that was pretty honest there.“ I said finaly, making an aqward smile. „You wanted me to be honest.“ He said, adding „And just so you know, im not going to make it easy for you.“ He looked at me now, with that devilish spark in his eyes again. I looked at him puzzled „What do you mean by it?“ He grined at me „Its like this: i will continue to act like i did so far, and you can do the same, cause, lets face it, we both like it.“ His grin widened, and i smiled back at him. „Good, you get me. But, until i get a confirmation from you about freely taking it a step further, i will do whatever i can to maybe, just maybe, help you feel a bit less messy and steer thigs in my favore.“ „And what if it wont end as you hope it would? Can you be ok with just being my friend?“ i asked him. He looked at me for a moment, before answering. „Honestly“ he started“i cant say i wouldnt be dissapointed, a little hearth broken probably, but i would respect your choice. And yes, Maya, if that would be so, i would gladly be just your friend.“ “Thanks, Phil, i appriciate all you said.“ I told him „I was kinda affraid of having this conversation with you.“ „You, affraid? I cant belive that“ he said, teasingly „Belive me, i was scared as hell.“ I said, adding to it „But im glad we had it. I didnt want it to become aqward between us at some point.“ „Not gonna happen.“ He said, winking at me. I smiled „Shit, you know, even thou i had enough yesterday, i could actualy use a drink right now.“ Phil lughed so hard „Awww, you really did get scared. We are in a bar afterall, you just say the words and ill bring you that drink.“ He said, looking at me with one raised eyebrow. „Only if you join me“ i said, grining at him „ And if you dont tell Jessy about it.“ He got up from the booth, smiling and winking before he left for the bar „Deal!“

#duskwood fanfic #duskwood #duskwood mc #duskwood phil #duskwood jessy

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thelaudown · 4 years ago

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hyouka poly slowburn so its like: (post-anime)

satoshi and mayaka are dating all through highschool and houtarou and eru are maybe a little more invested than friends would normally be, and step in when they have problems to a degree that regular people would call a boundary issue.

houtarou and mayaka still give each other shit at every opportunity, but theyre much more outwardly friendly than before, and if she ever argues w satoshi houtarou is the first to say that theres no way its her fault. maybe one time it is and he confronts her abt it in a way that forces her to take him seriously. its the respect and codependency for me.

mayaka and satoshi have functioning eyes and houtarous feelings for eru are completely obvious to them. unfortunately shes a little harder to read, so they never really get further than being very close friends and committing to being together for the foreseeable future, as far as this road will take them - its the same dynamic for the entire friend group, but satoshi starts seriously considering a proposal in third year.

he and mayaka will be seperated through college - she wants to go to art school, he thinks he might like to be a teacher (specifically of like, textiles or language) and he thinks long distance is too much to ask of her. after a serious conversation she agrees and they take a break through college, but they are tentatively engaged, will be keeping in touch, and want to pick things back up once theyre both in the same location again.

mayaka and eru flat in college, bringing up mayakas long buried feelings for her, and theyve always been so touchy, and she has a feeling that erus guilty about something? but she doesnt want to get her hopes up. she gets really frustrated and confides in the only person who knows both satoshi and mayaka and isnt involved - HOUTAROU, who attends a less prestigious college than eru but is taking similar business courses (he hasnt forgotten) and is commuting from home.

hes closer to them than satoshi, but theres still a little distance and they dont meet as often as theyd like, partially bc he doesnt often make the effort - the energy he does have is expended on his classes, bc he has a motivation to do well - if he does, maybe eru will consider him without him even putting himself out there. anyway she still calls him on the phone all the time tho.

he doesnt really have any advice when mayaka speaks to him, but hes quick to reassure her that satoshi wouldnt be bothered by her feelings - "because its eru". functioning adults refer to each other by their first names. it was a super embarassing transition period but theyre used to it now.

so mayaka takes the leap and eru admits that while shes never really been one to dwell on romantic feelings, she reciprocates but is concerned abt satoshi - she loves him too, after all, and he and mayaka were/are/will be a great couple. she ends up confessing this to houtarou, filled w apologies and assurances that he neednt worry abt her personal matters, but he doesnt mind listening. anyway it stings (in a sad way, not a bitter one) that she apparently has interest in both mayaka and satoshi but not him, but he REALLY cant blame her. he tells her that he doesnt know how to advise her and she thanks him for listening, and then he does probably the most meddlesome thing hes ever done and calls satoshi and tells him everything.

satoshi is really cool abt it, and hits him w "lol if theyre dating what if i just take you out to lunch. fairs fair. what do you mean you dont know about my massive crush on you, mr observer didnt pick it up? oh wow okay youre really stupid when it comes to yourself. ill pick you up on friday" and then satoshi calls mayaka and gives her his blessing and assures that he loves them both and wishes them the best and wow they REALLY need to catch up soon. hell bring houtarou and they can compare date notes! and he hangs up.

satoshi is still kind of a petty guy and he probably only confessed to houtarou bc he was taken off guard, but hes not being inauthentic by any means. this is the new improved satoshi 2.0, who is becoming more comfortable w there being things he doesnt like abt himself and working on them and getting his feelings out constructively, rather than pushing them down and refusing to put himself in situations that might turn out badly. he gets his hopes up again, and is happier for it even when hes let down.

eru is shocked to hear abt houtarou and satoshi. mayaka isnt. they talk abt it, interspersed w making out, and are shocked to realise that they like both of them - mayaka is ESPECIALLY taken off guard, both by her own feelings and erus, which shed never noticed before. she almost tells eru abt houtarous 3+ years of pining, but stops herself lest things get messy. shes starting to get an idea, but needs to tread lightly. besides, its not like houtarou wld ever like her. theyre barely even friends. it doesnt all add up as evenly as shed like.

for houtarous part, hes genuinely in wtf mode irt satoshis feelings for him, and hes been in eru chitanda hell for so long that he never considered anything else, but now that he IS.... satoshi isnt so bad. he was always really cute w mayaka, when he wasnt being annoying for fun and profit. sure. okay. so they do some gay double dating through college, but the cross couple pining dont stop. satoshi is absolutely still obsessed w mayaka, but houtarou doesnt mind bc he cant take his eyes off eru whenever they meet up either.

she still calls him on the phone all the time, and when schoolwork picks up he often finds himself calling her w thoughts or questions. they do some more thought exercises, but they dont need to argue as an excuse, and she barely has to badger him anymore. one day he looks at himself and sees a functioning adult who spends a moderate amount of energy on things that arent necessarily necessary, and wants to sigh, but. hes happy.

college ends and they all find themselves back in kamiyama - satoshi is student teaching at their old middle school, eru is hard at work for her family, mayaka is working while she works on her manga debut, and houtarou is working while he figures out what he actually wants.

its clear to all of them that mayaka and satoshi need to have a talk, so they do, and they come up with... poly. its unconventional, but they really are happy, and they really do love each other, and mayaka would love to start wearing her ring again (satoshi never took his off, and she pretended not to notice but she had the biggest lady boner over it).

so now sometimes eru and houtarou are hanging out while their boyfriend and girlfriend are out on dates being engaged, making up for lost time and considering the practicality of marriage while they both have sidepieces, and houtarou and eru are pining BAD, but neither notices the other and he asks how her business is going and maybe kind of offers his assistance platonically.

so now THATS happening, and satoshi and mayaka get to talking one day abt how those two should date, shld we do smth? and if they did then the only pieces missing are mayaka/houtarou and satoshi/eru which is a beautiful dream but wld never happen, what do you mean he/she wld love to date you, wait really, oh my god, what, are we doing this,

and houtarou who has been working himself up to confessing for the past SEVEN YEARS, never gets to bc satoshi and mayaka interrupt while theyre at work and do it for him

#jhkgfjkfjg #hyouka #txt #god i put it in bullets to try and make it legible but im here for suggestions bc this is so much #myfic #sure thats a tag now i dont normally post much of anything but!! i want to be more active so take this #if literally anyone is out there and has poly feelings about these 4 please message me

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advicefor-yu · 5 years ago

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Submission from D

(if you see my story on another advice blog, its because the waiting list for another ask blog i came to was four whole months and im not sure if i can wait that long :( im sorry if this comes off as rude but i needed advice and you seem wonderful and trustworthy)

Hello, ive seen some people come here for help and im hoping for some clarification/advice on some issues. Im 16 years old and a sophomore turning junior next year, during my freshman year of highschool, i began secretly dating someone, Z , my parents found out and grounded me. I tried leaving him but i felt so in love, that every time i did i just ended up right back to him. I suffered from no social contact with anyone as punishment, for the year and the summer, i felt as though i was obsessed with him and after some miscommunication we ended our relationship. Ive recently began dating a new guy, M. hes sweet and funny, but before this pandemic me and Z had forgiven eachother for all the stuff we had put each other through and were friends now?? I guess,, Z occasionally has messaged me and responded to my posts on social media and I believe I’m suppressing romantic feelings for him although I love my boyfriend very much. I dont think i was ever completely over my last relationship and its quite frightening. I wouldnt ever go back to him due to the damage it put on my mental healt but i find myself missing him and fighting back memories of us hanging out. I dont understand why im feeling so conflicted, i could never go back.Im also dealing with family issues. My parents never trusted me after that incident (understaibly so, i would lie to them constantly and sneak off, i feel so guilty and stupid) and my mother lets my other siblings get away with more because they have behaved better in the past. I can barely focus on one thing at a time( i believe i have adhd) and life with an autistic younger brother makes things super hard, we drive outside all day and come home late because otherwise he would panic. My mother has unrealistic expectations of me since im the only female in the household and wants me to give up my dreams to take care of my sibling, and i feel guilty for not wanting that responsibility since my mother always mentions im useless, and that when she was my age she could do much more for herself.

I have so much going on in my head right now and i dont know what to do, i cant reach out for therapy, too much money and my parents believe that only insane people need therapy. I just dont know what to do and im so scared.

thank you in advance, have a good day <3

Everything will be okay, we’re going to work this out one step at a time. If you feel conflicted with your feelings for Z vs M then maybe you can ask yourself a couple of questions and list out the pros and cons for both relationships. It already sounds like you want to be with Z but you’re trying to come up with reasons to why you can’t be with him.

When you close your eyes, who is the first person you see? When you look at Z, do you get butterflies? What about with M? What does Z have that M doesn’t? Did Z treat you better than M? What can M do to make you forget about Z? There’s always a spark between you and the person you truly feel for, which one gives you that spark? Gives you the feeling of sweeping off of your feet? these questions can give you an idea of whom you’re feeling more for.

If those questions made you choose Z, then: Why do you want to be with Z despite the mental damage done to you? What guarantee is that you won’t experience that again? Did anything change? Is there a specific thing you miss about him or the relationship that you can implement in your current relationship?

If you want to get over Z then it’s very important that you put some distance between you two. Remaining in contact will only resurface old feelings and it’ll constantly make you question yourself. So take another break from him, cut him off completely if it will help you out better. No relationship is worth it if it’s constantly affecting your mental health.

As for your home situation, take it slow. It is not your job to take care of your siblings all the time, they are her children and that is her first priority, not yours. You can help out as much as you can around the house but don’t let her words get to you. This is not your responsibility. You are still young, you are still growing and learning about the world. She has no right to put that extra weight on your shoulders. If you want to help her out, then maybe you guys can come to a mutual agreement on planning a day-to-day schedule. Whereas, you will help clean the dishes if she cooks the meal 3 times a day. Or you’re going to be studying for school from 10am-4pm and after that you can spend time with your siblings or take out the trash or do the dishes. Something that will even out the field for you. Your mom might not like it, but I’m almost positive that she will eventually accommodate to the schedule. I know it’s not gonna be easy to be this assertive or to even suggest this, but at least you can try right? End of the day, you have control over some parts of your life, take advantage of it.

I hope things begin to look up for you. Hang in there, it will get better soon!

#advice #advice blog #family #relationship advice #family advice #relationship #feelings #help #help blog #mental heath support #D

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dontreadthistrashgarbage · 5 years ago

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Pt.2

Seyoons eyes widened very slightly as he saw the group of people approaching him and Jun. Just that small change was enough for his expression to go from neutral to barely masked disbelief and panic.

"Oh hi Seyoon, Jun you tagged along too!" Guerin greeted them with a smile framed by a deep red tint on her lips and glitter eyeshadow. She acted as though she didn't notice the face Seyoon was making or why he would possibly be making it.

"You brought HEET! And Charlie!" Jun exclaimed with a grin as they all bowed in greeting. Jun felt the opposite of Seyoon, he was amused at the predicament his member was put in.

"I thought it would be a good idea to have more people with us so it wouldnt be mistaken for something it's not. This way it looks like the boys are here to hang with Sunbaes and I have a friend along to keep me company!" Guerin explained.

"There are zero things wrong with your plan." Seyoon said with a hollow smile, frantically checking his bank account mentally. He had brought Jun along for the same reason with the promise of a meal, but hadn't planned on Guerin having a similar idea on a much larger scale.

The group was lead to a table, Guerin and Charlie across from Seyoon and Jun at the end, and the five boys in HEET filling in the rest. Guerin had made sure to call in advance to request a private area so they could eat as peacefully as possible. Everyone opened menus and began chattering excitedly about what to order. Seyoon tried not to look at prices or mentally calculate what everyone was suggesting.

"Guerin, he's suffering. This is so mean." Charlie said in English to her friend.

"I know! Honestly I thought he was going to say something before now. It's not as fun if he doesn't put up any kind of fight." Guerin muttered back in English. Seungbin next to Charlie had understood pretty well, most of HEET was able to practice their english quite a bit with their manager and fellow member Gabriel therefore were able to get the gist.

"You didnt tell him he doesnt have to pay?" Seungbin gasped.

Minhwan hid a smile "Is that why he has so much stress?"

Jun and Seyoon had looked up curiously at the sudden change in language, realizing after a moment they were intentionally being left out of some sort of joke. Guerin was hushing the younger boys as some looked shocked while others were amused, Charlie glanced across at Jun and offered a definitely-not-hiding-anything smile that was not convincing before nudging Guerin. Both Jun and Seyoon had adopted the cheery but somewhat vacant expressions that was so common with idols when they tried not to give away they had no idea what was being said.

Guerin sighed as her guilt overcame her, "Seyoon-ah, I'm not actually expecting you to pay for this meal." She confessed cursing her inability to follow through with pranks, "I have our company card, this is a networking meeting so I can write it off. Just make sure you talk to HEET about some work stuff."

Seyoon was torn feeling relieved and offended. For starters it really was a lot of people to pay for, especially considering what orders had been discussed. That being said he had some pride, the point is that he had lost and needed to pay up. All of these conflicting thoughts resulted in his saying, "Ahhh...." as he processed his reactions. Jun needed no such thoughts and instead guffawed readily at his hyungs predicament, earning him an annoyed pinch on the arm.

"How about you get coffee after dinner instead" Charlie said, tossing a social life raft to the conflicted man.

"I think that's fair." Guerin added quickly realizing too late how her prank might be considered an insult.

Seyoon hesitated for a moment then agreed, "Might as well accept the company paying when we can." He said to play off his hesitation.

"Attaboy!" Guerin exclaimed in English before pausing, "I'm not sure how to translate that."

"Deal?" Gabriel attempted helpfully.

"Yeah! Sure close enough!" Guerin exclaimed' "So are we ready to order now that Seyoonie is less freaked out?"

Seyoon didnt even have a moment to try and protest as the others all agreed with an eagerness to order. He shot a psuedo salty expression at Guerin and the two of them exchanged petulant faces as the server took the order from Jun.

Minhwan, the leader of HEET, and the closest to the grill took on cooking the meat but no one could beat Guerin for enthusiasm of stuffing perilla leaves and feeding everyone. Each of the members of HEET made sure to feed her and Charlie. They recognized the young boys desire to return the love.

"You're kidding." Guerin said, eyeing the overstuffed perilla wrap Seyoon offered her. It was clearly a challenge to see if she would take such a large amount of food as an expression of affection.

"You dont like it?" Seyoon asked with an overdone pout.

While all the others were able to read what a clown he was being, it seemed lost on Guerin. "Do I really need to eat that?" Guerin muttered in English to Charlie.

"Yes. Absolutely. You deserve this." Charlie responded, knowing would be fun to see Guerin suffer a little at the hands of her prey. Guerin leaned forward with an "Ah" and Seyoon stuffed the food into her mouth. It barely fit but she did manage to bite his finger playfully, winking as he yanked his hand back, feigning injury and horror. Guerin had to cover her mouth as she desperately tried not to laugh, choke and die on the massive amount of food she now had to chew through. Tears came to her eyes as Seyoon jumped out of his chair and bounced behind it in laughter. Once the danger had passed and she was able to swallow she leaned back, exhausted. Jun had to wipe his tears as he clung to a concerned looking Tobio next to him.

"Please don't die Noona, we won't have anyone to open our jars anymore." Minhwan teased. Guerin didnt even look up as she blindly tossed a balled up napkin at the snarky leader bouncing it harmlessly off his face, startling him.

"Maybe if you didnt have the strength of a toddler you wouldn't need to be so worried." Guerin added, looking up and batting her eyelashes innocently in his direction punctuating the mood with a bite of food.

"Rest in peace Minhwan." Byoungjin said expressionless through a mouthful of food as Minhwan feigned death in his chair and the other members of HEET tittered, "You know not to provoke Noona. She will end you."

After the meal everyone made their way to the Han River to get some coffee and digest. HEET, Jun and Charlie played by the river while Guerin and Seyoon made the trek to get coffee.

"I can pay for the others you only owe me coffee!" Guerin protested after their order had been placed.

"No, one coffee isnt equal to the original deal." Seyoon knocked her hand away.

"It doesn't matter, come on!" She slipped into English for a moment.

He snatched her card out of her hand, forcing his own toward the cashier who looked completely nonplussed by this show. His face was mostly hidden by a mask but she could see his triumphant smirk in his eyes that remained in place until he got his card back and put it into his wallet.

"You are so stubborn." She accused him, following him to a table and reaching for her card. He had been in the process of handing it back to her when he heard her comment and snatched it out of her reach again. "I'm stubborn? Do you have any room to talk?"

"Ya! Give that back to me!"

"No, you have to apologize."

"For what? Telling the truth? You want me to lie and say you arent stubborn?"

Seyoon wasn't tall enough to hold it out of her reach and the two had begun a series of semi circles dodging around each other in a game of keep away. Neither of them able to hold a straight face despite their bickering. After one particularly zealous grab Seyoon stepped backward into a chair, tripping. Without thinking Guerin stepped forward, grabbing his arm and coat to steady him. Their eyes met as he was able to straighten up, as close as they had been while arm wrestling. Her heart clenched tightly at the proximity and physical contact, a feeling she was familiar enough with to know she needed to avoid it.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

Seyoon nodded without breaking eye contact as she released him and moved back a step.

"Geez that was super loud I hope we didn't bother anyone. How embarrassing." She laughed and rubbed the back of her neck, grateful that she didn't blush. Seyoon glanced around at the empty shop but didnt mention there wasnt anyone to bother.

"Let's go check on the coffee." Guerin said, turning to head back to the counter.

Before she had taken a step Seyoon grabbed her wrist. Shocked, she looked back at him, her heart pounding tightly. He showed her the forgotten credit card he had stolen and placed it in her hand. Letting go, he booped her nose with a wink and walked to the counter.

Guerin's shock came out as a weird giggle at the unexpected action, and she took the time to put her card back in her wallet as a means to allow her heart rate to return to normal.

Once everyone had gotten their coffee, Seyoon, Jun and Heet settled under a gazebo while Guerin and Charlie had meandered to a nearby playground to sit on some swings. Jun was talking and giving advice while HEET was asking questions. Seyoon was participating but distracted. Playing around with Guerin seemed so natural, she was comfortable and friendly. But he kept having moments where they'd get close and... he blinked his eyes wide, looked up at the gazebo roof and shook his head as though it might cause those thoughts to rattle out of his brain. He wasnt naive enough to not know what these feelings were, but it certainly complicated things. He began flicking each finger in a row and forced himself to focus back on the conversation.

Instead, as fate seemed against him, a large cicada flew just past his peripheral vision and he felt a gentle weight tug at his hair. Having flown through the group in order to accomplish it's unfortunate landing all seven of the idols grouped together saw it happen. Seyoon seemed frozen in place for a moment, Gabriel laughed outright and everyone else screamed. Jun had hopped up and scampered so fast Seyoon couldnt even see him, Byoungjin and Tobio clung to each other and stared in horror, Minhwan had tried to jump up and tripped over Seungbin who had launched himself in his hyungs direction.

Time didnt seem to exist anymore as Seyoon panicked, too afraid to move, hands clenched tightly into fists in front of his hunched shoulders, eyes wide and staring straight down. Footsteps approached at a sprint and he heard a commanding voice.

"What's wrong?"

"I know I shouldn't like him, he's an idol." Charlie held the chains of the swing, gazing into the sand she absentmindedly dug the toes of her shoe into, "But he's just so cute and friendly."

Guerin leaned back, holding her feet forward next to her friend, face toward the sky, "Yeah. It can be complicated." She couldnt help an ironic smile at the understatement, "But Jun seems like a sweetheart so it's not like anyone can blame you for having a crush." Sitting up again she leaned toward her friend conspiratorially, "I think you should enjoy your feelings. Revel in them. Maybe he returns them maybe he doesn't. Either way it's kind of fun right?"

Charlie smiled back and shrugged, but before she had a chance to respond the screaming started. Guerin immediately took off toward the commotion, seeing all the idols in varying levels of panic except one in inexplicable mirth. "What's wrong?" She demanded, unintentionally slipping into authority mode. Between some members pointing and others yelling or gasping about "flying" "hair" "insect" Guerin's eyes went to Seyoon who had frozen. She was facing his profile and the view was perfect to see the cicada dangling from his hair.

"Are you serious?!" She deflated, coming down from her high, Guerin couldn't help letting out a relieved laugh. Charlie had caught up and as soon as she understood the situation dissolved into laughter as well.

"Oh my god. Hold still." Guerin walked over to Seyoon and picked up the cicada before walking to a tree a few feet away and letting it fly away.

As soon as the bug was gone Seyoon was up, dancing around uncomfortably. He felt crawlies all over him and wanted the sensation out of him. By the time Guerin walked back, Jun had reappeared laughing off his reaction, Tobio was looking concerned but back to his stoic self, Byoungjin and Minhwan looked sheepish and Seungbin was balled up into himself for comfort while Gabriel cackled. Charlie stopped laughing long enough to ask Seyoon if he was okay to which he gave an emphatic, "I dont like insects!" Response.

Guerin looked at Charlie and in English managed to say, "These grown ass men!" Before both of them flopped down next to the rest and howled.

"Noona, it was scary." Seungbin pouted.

The women managed to control themselves down to a chuckle as Guerin wiped a tear from her eye, "Oh Binnie, I know it was. I was scared too with all that racket. I'm just so glad that's all it was that my fear had to leave me in laughter." She sat next to the youngest, putting an arm around his shoulder and pinching his cheek.

"You guys are all so cute. It was a harmless cicada. They usually are only active in the day so that one must have been woken up by something."

"They're so creepy looking." Seyoon frowned sitting back down between Charlie and Seungbin. Jun had settled into a spot next to Charlie.

"And it was huge!" Minhwan added.

"Well, I guess it depends on how you look at it. I think they're kinda cute." Guerin shrugged.

"We know about your feelings on insects." Byoungjin frowned.

"She won't even let us kill spiders. She always tells us to leave them alone or take them outside." Tobio said to Jun and Seyoon, who looked scandalized by the whole turn in the conversation.

"They're important to the ecosystem! And yeah if you look at them in an unbiased way they're absolutely adorable!" Guerin protested defensively.

"You're on your own on this one. They dont bother me but they're not cute." Charlie put up her hands and shook her head at her friend.

"You think bugs are cute but do you also think we're cute? That's offensive noona. We're not bugs." Gabriel pouted at his manager.

"Now wai-" Guerin tried to explain

"Yeah if bugs are cute do you think Seyoon is cute?" Jun interrupted with an opportunity to attack his hyung.

Guerin instinctively looked over at Seyoon, the two making eye contact. Her heart pounded and her thoughts raced. It would be okay to admit that right? It wouldnt give away how she was trying to fight off a crush on him, right?

"Well, I- okay, listen it-" she stammered and Jun immediately burst into laughter.

"Hyung!! Bugs are cute but you arent even on that level!"

"I didnt say that!" Guerin protested, flustered as the others all laughed too. Seyoon had a smile on too but it didnt seem to reach his eyes. He wasn't going to show his disappointment, he had wanted to hear her say he was handsome.

"I knew you were gonna do that don't use me to try and insult him!" Guerin protested loudly, standing up indignantly, "I was just trying to find words!" She stomped over to Jun who was rolling on the ground, pretending to kick him, "Aaah you are so annoying!"

"Did you guys have fun?" Guerin asked HEET as they traipsed back to their van. The evening had ended, Jun and Seyoon were escorting Charlie to her home nearby and everyone had split off. Guerin would normally have given her friend a ride but when Jun offered to walk with her, she didn't even bother to offer.

"Yes, thank you for bringing us Noona." Tobio said, in his usual polite way.

"They're fun sunbaes!" Gabriel said, bouncing behind Tobio while holding his shoulders. The two began to bicker and Byoungjin separated them. As they approached the van, they noticed and unwelcome figure leaning against it, tapping on her phone with a colorful paper bag hanging from her arm. Guerin stopped walking, throwing out her arm to stop the boys behind her too. Seungbin recognized the sasaeng from behind Guerin and she felt him hold tightly to the back of her shirt. She reached into her pocket, pulled out her phone and handed it to Minhwan, her tone dropped as she spoke quietly.

"Minhwan-ah you know what to do. Byoungjin, make sure the others stay behind me and get in the car safely. Do not get involved no matter what. This needs to resolve with no conflict but we need to be safe. Call the police if things escalate." She didn't need to look to know the boys were all nervous but she glanced back at them with a reassuring smile, "It's going to be fine, we just need to stay safe and have evidence to make sure she cant keep bothering you guys okay?" The boys didnt return the smile but they did nod. Seungbin had tears in his eyes as Gabriel protectively pulled him closer and moving him between himself and Tobio. She glanced at Minhwan, "Are you ready? Start recording." She said as she pulled the keys out of her pocket, walking forward and unlocking the doors with her fob then handing them to Byoungjin.

The sasaeng looked up abruptly, straightening and moving quickly toward HEET, not sparing a glance for Guerin. Guerin stepped forward quickly, arms out as a barrier as the girl tried to rush past her, "I'm so sorry, is there something I can help you with?" She smiled, appearing helpful.

The sasaeng finally glanced at Guerin, then did a double take as she recognized her and her face filled with venom. The girl was almost a solid foot shorter than Guerin but she didnt seem phased by it, "Move you disgusting foreigner, I have a present for Seungbin!" She tried to push past again but Guerin, easily outweighing the smaller woman, didnt budge. She kept the smile on her face as the boys filed into the van.

"I'm so sorry, it's against company policy for us to accept gifts outside of designated events." Guerin responded. She heard the van doors close behind her and the locks engage, only then did she drop her arms. The sasaeng rushed forward, trying the handle of the now locked van. Guerin tried to slip around the front of the van to the driver's side but the sasaeng turned her attention back to Guerin.

"Why do you keep insisting on keeping us apart?!" She screamed, "We're in love, havent you seen the way he looks at me? Do you think they belong to you? Do you use them and poison them against me?!" Her tone kept raising and Guerin knew it wasn't going to end easily. She hoped Minhwan was still filming from inside the van. At the end of her rant the Sasaeng launched the paper bag at Guerin, then rushed her. Guerin ducked the bag, but allowed the smaller girl to punch her, a blow hitting her on the side of her mouth, cutting her lip against her teeth. Guerin had been struck in the face many times before, and an opponent this size she had taken a calculated risk wouldn't do much damage. As soon as the girl connected Guerin stepped backward into the open sidewalks, hands up. She deflected any further hits from the girl who was screaming and crying before she collapsed in front of Guerin who dropped her hands. People approached as the sasaeng screamed about the foreigner that had attacked her for no reason. Fortunately there must have been a police presence nearby as cops approached rapidly, separating the two women. HEET started to get out of the van and Guerin stopped them.

"No! Call the company." She addressed the officer, "They are witnesses, can they meet us at the station?" Another officer went over to talk to Minhwan, then sent them off and came back. "They'll meet us there."

Byoungjin hesitated, clutching the keys to the van in his hand, the only member with his license. Seungbin was outright crying as was Gabriel. Minhwan encouraged everyone in, closing the doors behind them, watching as their manager was arrested. Byoungjin put the van into gear and pulled away, tears streaming down his face.

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haeroniel-doliet · 7 years ago

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gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now) and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it.

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now.

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it. i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess.

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have a ballet company idk.

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim.

#ballet an hobbies and thoughts and lots of things.#honestly noneed to read

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itsrien11 · 7 years ago

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15 Things not to say to someone with Chron’s Disease.

Some things I, as a Chron’s Disease warrior, am tired of hearing and it is not that I am being bitchy or ungrateful for those who care for me, it is that I want you to know and understand what I feel when I hear these things. As I mentioned in my previous post, this is to inform others that dont have Chron’s what I am going through and also to let those with Chron’s know that they are not the only ones who feel like this.

1) You lost so much weight, I wish I could do that. Chances are that you would also lose weight if you were constantly running to the nearest toilet as soon as you have eaten. I didn’t lose weight because I wanted to, I lost weight because I am on 5 different medications that have the same side effects.It is scary losing 10kgs or more in less than 6 months because of Chron’s, it is not something that you want to do willingly because chances are that I will still keep losing weight,which is unhealthy.

2) You should get out more. If I could, I would. But mostly I am in so much pain that it is an accomplishment to just get out of bed at any time of the day, so I dont really want to ‘get out more’ because that would require me actually having to move. I have days where iI want to go out and enjoy myself but dont push me, when I feel that I can handle the pain and that I will be comfortable going out, I will do so.

3) You should see a dietitian. I am my dietitan. The thing about Chron’s is that it is not the same for everyone. I might be able to eat bread but another person with Chron’s cant. So a dietitian wont be able to help me because they dont know my body. I know what I can eat and what I cant eat and I really dont need to be told by someone else what is good and not good. If I find something that works with my system, I eat it and if it doesn’t, I avoid it. So thank you for your concern but I dont need to see a dietitian.

4) Mind over matter. If it was that simple, I wouldnt be writing this blog. It is easy for someone who doesnt have Chron’s to say mind over matter. Everyone thinks that if you dont think about the pain, that it will go away, the sad truth is, that it is never that way. If I want to mope around all day in a blanket and watch movies all day, it is because I am in so much pain that I can barely function. So let me deal with my pain like I want to and just be there to support me, dont tell me that it is mind over matter.

5) You need to exercise more. Isnt that the case in everyone’s lives though? So why should it be different for me just becasue I have Chron’s? I do exercise, when my body tells me that it can handle it. But mostly, I dont, because it hurts too much or because I physically do not have the energy and that is probably because I haven’t slept all night because I have been tossing and turning to get comfortable with the pain.

6) Have you tried herbal treatment? I have tried everything that this planet has to offer. Your home remedies or herbal methods really wont make any difference. I know medication always is harmful to your body but I trust my doctor enough to know that he will take care of me. The treatment I am on is working for me and that is all that I care about. Thank you for your suggestion but I will stick with what I know works.

7) You are so moody today. Would you not be moody if you were me? Of course I have my happy days but when I am moody please understand why. It is because I am dealing with pain that no one can imagine and I am trying to keep myself together and not lose my shit (excuse the pun). So I am very sorry that I am ruining your happy bubble with my moodiness but this piercing pain in my body seems to have stolen all my happy today. Maybe tomorrow my happy face will come visit.

8) How are you feeling? I know you just care and want to know how I am coping, but for the love of hell, do you really want to hear my 50 point list of complaints every day? I will probably just say I am fine or say I am not too well today but I really am not going to get in to all my aches and pains every second of the day. Ask how I am feeling but just let me answer in a simple manner.

9) You look better today. Maybe I am and maybe I am not. But I am probably not. So if I look better than I did the day before it is probably because I put on an extra layer of make up to hide the dark circles or because I took some painkillers that are making me pretty happy at that moment. The worst thing to hear that is you look better than the day before and to be honest there is no real reason for that but it is just simply because I probably am not better.

10) My brother's friend’s sister’s boyfriend has Chrons and he [enter some random cure or diet here] why dont you try it? As I said before, Chron’s is not the same for every person so your brother’s friend’s sister’s boyfriend might have found what works for him, but chances are that it wont work for me. So thank you for your advice but I will stick to my plan.

11) But you dont look sick. That is the most common thing that I have ever heard. It is like saying to someone who is gay that they dont look gay. I am sorry I didnt wear my I have Chron’s badge today, I will be sure to put it on tomorrow. Just because I look happy and I am living my normal life, doesnt mean that I am not sick. I want to be normal and I want to be happy, so when you see me in that moment, let me be. I probably am still feeling like total and utter crap but I decided to live my life anyway. You cant see Chron’s Disease on the outside so please dont tell me that I dont look sick.

12) You should get out of the house. Trust me I try. When I feel like I have the energy I take that opportunity to do things that I normally dont do. But I also have my phases (which sometimes lasts up to a week) where I just want to stay in bed or at home and rest because that is what my body is telling me to do. I know myself and my body and I know when it needs rest, so please dont force me.

14) Are you going to cancel on me again? I am sorry I cancel plans at the last minute but that is what Chron’s is like. I might make plans with you for the next day and then cancel the last minute, I dont mean to but I also cant help it. Chron’s is very unpredictable, one minute I can be fine and the next I am not. So I am sorry that I could make your dinner party and I really am also not sorry because I am looking after myself and if you cant understand that, then I am here to help you understand. When I cancel it is not because I am lazy but it is because I am in so much pain that I just want to lay in bed and sleep it off.

15) That’s not good for you. I am tired of being told whats not good for me or who can be around me. I am tired of being treated like I am breakable. I am not. I know people care and I know they dont know how to deal with Chron’s, well shocker, neither do I. But one thing I know is myself and my body and that is why I am tired of being told what is not good for me. If I say that it is ok for me to hang out with you because you have flu, then it really is or if I say that it is ok for me to go rock climbing, then in really is or if I say that it is ok for me to spend the night dancing at the club, guess what, IT REALLY IS. Thank you for your concern but please dont tell me what to do.

One thing I learned from Chron’s is that you cant sit around and watch your life pass by. Spend nights laughing till early morning with your friends, go zip lining, go see that movie you planned to go see, go swim in the ocean, because who knows when you wont be able to do those things anymore. Yes I have Chron’s and yes it is hard for me and everyone around me but let me be myself and make my 20′s count.

#chronsdisease #chron's #ibd #awareness #support #chronic illness #chrons

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kosmicdream · 8 years ago

Note

Does Cash still have any connection to Spoon's other half? If they do, what's that like?

Cash does! But it is …….complicated.

Here’s some juicy spoilery inside info. Enjoy! Actually don’t enjoy, a lot of what i wrote is horribly depressing and sad so uh. Enjoy the EPIC SADS.

Spoon never quit being an agent, but he first was hospitalized for a few months before returning to the office. Even then, he took a lot of time off to just rest at home and adjust to his new physical/emotional situation. Fork was there, almost the entire time and barely left his side for I’d say.. the first year or so? (until he was sent off to prison) (it has been 6 years since he exploded/knife vanished) And he has not returned to the field except for uh, the mission that is currently happening in the present day comic. (Where he is cornered by Rock/shot in the leg. That is his first returning field mission in all this time.)Cash tried to check on Spoon while he stayed in the hospital but like, honestly he wasn’t very positively.. responsive to her. He was not excited or happy to see her at all. In fact, if anything, he didn’t want to see her because he felt she influenced the downfall of his relationship with Knife. He spent so much time with her instead during the past 30 years when really he should have been with Knife. Now Knife was gone and he doesn’t.. Even want to look at her, really. He can tell she pities him and is worried and its honestly disgusting. He did this to himself, he knows that. Its a miracle he survived, He knows that too. Dont give me those pamphlets about prosthetic surgery, I don’t need that, I dont care how realistic it can look. I can do all this on my own. I don’t need help to get to the bathroom. Fuck you! Im FINE.He feels ashamed about his ‘flawed’ devotion to his deceased loved one.. he wants to try and repair that devotion in the present day by excluding himself from anything that brings him joy, really. Besides continuing to murder his species, but that’s not a (completely) fun thing anymore. Its sort of out of desperation. I mean. He is punishing himself by denying happiness (of having emotional connections to others) but he is trying to survive and continue on because Knife would want him to .. do that.. but he is avoiding that knife would also want him to be Happy. but he just cannot accept that part. he is going to survive, miserably. which he is doing so far and is great at it… yay!!Lashing out at Fork (and destroying his dream to go to wibbleworld) was …… an act of selfish, unplanned indulgence but he tries to keep himself, like, as amicable as he can with fork.. uh, besides that, i suppose. He loathes fork but Fork is important to Knife and he is still guilty over fucking up everything. God he misses Knife so much that having Fork around almost helps make him pretend Knife isn’t dead and is actually around somewhere, maybe in the other room reading a book. Fork is just good at acting like everything is fine/normal and thats sort of…comforting. He wouldn’t admit that though. He wouldn’t really give Fork the satisfaction of hearing that. (Too bad Fork already knows.)Distancing himself from Cash is self punishment but he’s also aware she’s harboring a serious secret from him, but he doesn’t know what it is. He has a feeling it is to due with his other half. He knows they’re involved with it somehow, the way she talks and tries to urge him to take better care of himself is with a familiarity that he feels like he missed out on. Like, something about how she is not *as* surprised to see his body in this condition as he thinks she should be.. How she knows things about his body before he does, certain hang ups or issues, ect, she’s always ready to offering advice to deal w/ them as if she has gone through it before. Sometimes shes even predicted what he is going to say before he says it. He doesn’t like it. He is suspicious of why she is not explaining more about what happened during the day he exploded, what she was doing, why it took her a while to visit him in the hospital. What was she so busy with? He hates that. He hates that he is not the most important Half to Cash. He wants to know where his other half is anyway, why won’t she tell him. Why is he avoiding himself. Cash feels guilty but cannot do anything about it.. she can’t answer his questions. As She is respecting the wishes of Scissor, who is avoiding his other half and pretty much just laughs/mocks at any news Cash gives him about his.. other self’s recovery. Cash is angry about that but Scissor doesn’t give a shit, he thinks Spoon sucks. Its HIS fault Knife is dead anyway. :)))))))) So in return of Cash not telling him things, Spoon holds secrets of his own, from anyone. (That is… what he knows about this mysterious “Locket.”) Deep deep down, Spoon almost feels Knife is still… alive somewhere and he is going to find him without anyone else’s help. He is going to be the special one this time. His other half can move on and have Cash. “Lol!! go ahead. I totally don’t care that you ditched me. (Even tho deep down I secretly hope we can somehow refuse because my god. i am just a leg.)”But then he thinks if Knife is still alive what would he even think of what’s happened to him. Would he even… want him anymore. Although if he was alive that wouldnt matter even if he didnt want what’s left of him, He’d give anything to just have Knife be ok. Even if Knife hated him, or worse: felt nothing about him at all. (Hate would be better, because it is a strong emotion and would be a valid feeling as Spoon is mean to fork! and cheated on him with cash! and like, so many things. If Knife hated him he’d understand like, 100%. If anything that is just assuring on some many levels that his attempted explosion was probably a good thing because anything Knife hates should go away.)Anyway, spoon spends most of his freetime laying in bed and staring at the wall and trying to figure out how he can kill everyone/maybe destroy the world too? because fuck it. Knife is totally for real dead no matter how annoying that little itch in the back of his mind says he might not actually be. Might as well have fun imagining everyone else suffer and die. That is a totally healthy pasttime spoon, what the fuck.Then Spoon imagines knife and his memories of knife and cries (like, a lot) and falls into a sleep where he dreams everything is fine and him and Knife are running thru a meadow of flowers and happy and grinning JK you are awake now and everything is terrible welcome to your LIFE!So Yeah Cash and Spoon aren’t in the best of terms rn. Fork is the only one that Spoon talks to anymore, really. (And they don’t talk much.)Although, the strangest thing is that he’s formed a closer uh.. friendship? (if u could call it that.) with Leadman. The two of them love to stare soullessly at walls together. I wonder what’s going on with that… huh

#ffak faq #ffak #feast for a king #cash #spoon #scissor #knife #fork

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gaysin-space · 8 years ago

Note

The curious thing

you’re so cute, sending me asks to do omg

1. What are the things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Myself and my mental shit tbh

2. What will people say at your funeral?

Idk summat about me being gay and savage tbh

3. Standing at the gates of heaven, and God asks you “Why should I let you in?” What do you reply?

“I don’t know man it’s up to you like i don’t mind either way”

4. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run into to make everything ok?

My girlfriends tbh i’ve done it before so yeah she helps me alot

5. Does this person know how much they mean to you? When was the last time you told them?

I like to think you do, I mean i tell you nearly everyday

6. If you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say in 30 seconds?

Explain how war doesn’t solve anything and just makes everything worse and how we need to stop

7. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

I’d travel the world and give enough to my parents to support them for the rest of their lives

8. If today was the last day of your life, what would you want to do?

See the great wonders of the world or go to space tbh

9.What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

I’d spend more time with my loved ones than i already do

10. If your entire life was a movie, what title would best fit?

The unadventurous life of the depressed emo

11. How would you describe yourself in 5 words?

honest, sarcastic, funny, loving, trusting

12. What are the chances you’ve passed up on that you regret?

none really? Like i’m happy with most of the decisions that i’ve made that effect my life

13. How do you apply the learning from this regret to your actions today?

I don’t tend to hang onto negative emotions like that like I just forget and move on

14. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Everything like literally

15. If you could watch everything that happened in your life until now, would you enjoy it?

certain things yeah but i wouldn’t want to like the past is the past for a reason

16. If you could ask a single person one question, and they had to answer truthfully, who and what would you ask?

idk tbh maybe Harry and if he’s happy

17. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

A lot of things tbh all my mistakes would be erased

18. When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you in the world?

My family definitely

19. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of? What’s stopping you?

Yeah but im working on it and my brain needs to get with the program

20. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Yes.

21. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happily settling for what you know already?

I think i do? Like im a really curious person so ill always wanna find out more if people let me

22. How do you celebrate the things you do have in your life?

I make do with the little things i have and make everything go a long way

23. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

I will have said a lot but i always go through with what ive promised to do

24. When was the last time you tried something new?

The other day i think? I always make sure to say yes to trying new things

25. What were you doing when you last lost track of the time?

probs watching videos on youtube

26. What is the difference between living and existing?

Living is enjoying life to the fullest and doing the things you love everyday, existing is just getting by doing the bare minimum to survive

27. If you had a friend that you spoke to the same way you speak to yourself, how long do you think that person would allow you to be your friend?

Not very long, they’d probs get annoyed with me very soon and leave me alone

28. If you had to teach someone one thing, what would you teach?

How to be nice to people

29. What makes you smile?

The people who care about me and i care about

30. What drives you to do better at something?

My parents and the fear of disappointing them

31.What do you really love to do? Do you do it often? If you answer no, why not?

I love to read and write and i don’t do it that often but i want to start doing it more as soon as i’m finished with whats causing me stress at the moment

32. What can you do today that you couldn’t do a year ago? What will you be able to do at this time next year?

Talk about my feelings better and actually let people in, and hopefully next year ill be even better at it than i am now

33. What is the last thing that you’ve done that’s really worth remembering?

When I spent a whole day with my mum

34. What gets you excited and driven to achieve?

The future i could potentially have

35. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

when i went to Birmingham to visit my girlfriend

36. What do you want most out of life?

Just to be happy and have a family

37. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you?

Hopefully it would help me but knowing my luck it would probs hurt me

38. If you could go back in time, once, and change a single thing – what would it be?

When a certain person hurt me and fucked up my life

39. If you had a year left to live, what would you achieve over the next 12 months?

Visit every place on my bucket list and tell all my family i love them

40. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

To be happy

41. What do you “owe” yourself?

Nothing tbh

42. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

My gf tbh cheesy i know but still

43. How do you spend the majority of your free time? Why?

Watching youtube or spending time with people i care about

44. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

A power ranger or a spy omg

45. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

Went to uni tbh

46. What terrifies you the most?

People leaving me and being on my own

47. What are you looking forward to?

My future tbh where im married with kids

48. Describe the greatest adventure of your life

Havent been on it yet

49. Where would you like to live? Why haven’t you moved?

Paris and money tbh

50. What have you done that you’re most proud to have achieved?

Gone to uni tbh didnt think i would but im here

51. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

I wouldnt be able to live or get a job tbh

52. What is your greatest strength?

Listening to others and giving advice

53. What is your greatest weakness?

My paranoia and insecurities

54. What did your life teach you yesterday?

That people will always talk about you behind your back no matter if you thought they cared about you or not

55. What have you done today to make someone’s life better?

Sorted out some money issues so my parents don’t have to stress about it

56. Whose life have you had the greatest impact on?

My parents most likely

57. What makes you special?

No idea, I don’t think i am tbh

58. How many people do you truly love? What are you doing for them?

A few and I’ll always make sure im there for them whenever they need me

59. What bad habits do you want to break?

Biting my skin and nails and the major bad one i do

60. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

many times especially concerning my sister and dad

61. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Building my life with my gf and our future together tbh

62. If you spend a day watching movies when you should be working a day wasted or well spent?

Wasted omg i feel so guilty whenever i do

63. Would your life be better or worse, if you knew the time and place where you would die?

worse id always be thinking about it

64. What is honor, and does it even matter anymore?

to me its being true to yourself and i would like to think it does

65. Would you be a martyr and risk your reputation by standing up for what is right in front of your peers? Or is it better to be pragmatic and do nothing?

always stand up for what is right and be true to yourself and not lose yourself in fitting in with everyone else

66. Could you be persuaded to kill someone? If you answer no, how much money would it take to change your mind?”

Depends what they did tbh and why it matters to me

67. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

I’d be where i’m supposed to be but idk its never going to happen

68. Would you rather have 10 years of excellent health, or 30 years of average health?

30 years tbh the longer the better

69. Is being open-minded a virtue, if it’s causing destructive ideas to spread throughout society?

Everyone should be open minded but not if its causing destructive ideas to blossom and spread

70. Do you consider yourself the hero or the villain in your story?

Villain definitely i sabotage my own happiness too much

71. How much control do you really have over yourself?

Not much tbh my head gets in the way

72. When did you last push the boundaries of your comfort zone?

Yesterday tbh to hang out with my new mate

73. What have you given up on?

Too many things tbh you’d probs cry

74. Who are you really? Describe yourself without using your name, or any attributes given to you by society and really think.

Im the best person to have fighting for you in your corner and ill do everything in my being to help those who need it

75. Deep down, who are you?

No idea, if you ever meet her lemme know yeah?

#asks #derrelle #these were pretty full on tbh like i wasnt expecting it omg

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vitamindmemories · 7 years ago

Text

mediocre

i wasnt tooo big a fan of my experience between 3-5/6th grade lol .. like, it was fine i guess, but i had just moved schools and towns and houses, and had to make all new friends, not that i really had many in my last school - just one mainly but she was my best friend there . and here, i didnt really have a best friend in the middle of elementary school, like there were people who were nice and were friends, but we didnt connect on that level. i shouldnt complain. but plus the grade was super cliquey, idk if thats just what happens by third grade no matter where you go but they were. and i was getting very slow in school like everything took me forever lol. and there were “popular” kids by then which was super annoying.

i had a hard time in 2nd grade too, no friends in my class but atleast there were people who were kinda nice to me sometimes and my best friend was on my bus, molly. and i liked my house and i was confident lol and we had fun with min because she was a baby so actually i remember that age fondly. and i had a couple bullys, the main bully and his sidekick, and a girl who was my friend but then she got mean to me but then i tricked her into being my friend again lol. and its just annoying because by second and third grade you start getting all kinds of anxiety about being cool or about keeping up with trends which i couldnt barely keep up with or whatever lol. i have a theory that people are pretty tolerant of each other and dont form cliques yet and social hierarchies before 2nd grade . plus i feel like i was socially inept and physically uncoordinated .

high school was fine. atleast i had friends, and best friends. that was cool and what was what i wanted. i felt super safe and i worked hard and got good grades. but like right before high school my neighbor whos two years older than me would throw these big parties at his house all night and my family would get super like Dont Drink like him and Dont Have Sex with boys because Thats all they probably want and then youll get Pregnant. which is advice you should take to an extent . but i was super obedient and i was super gullible and literally was always into doing whatever people told me to for some reason like i guess i didnt want to get in trouble? .. so i was super afraid of all that stuff lol and never fucking tried to drink or Talk to any boys ever through like my whole high school career except for like a second, when i thought about Living like a normal person. so i regret that lol, because here i am like 10 yeares later, still struggling with how to do social things and party .. whoop. hopefully ill catch up . i feel like i nearly did but it was embarassing when i realized how behind i was and how scared of catching up quick enough, i was ..

i guess i was also fit[ter] in high school,..i never appreciated that until i got to college and literally gained the freshman 15, i thought thatd be a myth. its not. still have it. but i never did sports anymore in college. maybe thats why, and maybe i had faster metabolism in highschool..and i didnt snack much because i didnt have a sense of like, autonomy that that was a thing i could do lol, eat when its not mealtime ? i think, i dunno. this’s genetic.

i didnt really start drinking until like haha when i was actually 21.. and i played club hockey and those girls could party and they were really approachable and safe and helpful about it ha, so that was nice, they helped me get my way into it in a good way. then in senior year id go and hang out at some of my closest friends’ appartment in one of the dorms, and we’d drink white wine from the convenient store across the street, or this free henessey that a guy gave my friend to woo her but she didnt want it and i never even finished it, its still in the closet downstairs lol, 5 years later ? i was a weird drunk though, before i learned to get a grip on myself, id like try to hold peoples hands or hold on to people (that i was good enough friends with) and tell them all my thoughts and feelings ha . tell them how much i like them or whatever. lie down on the floor. walk around without pants. just in the apartment or around people i trust lol. embarassing. or like try to make out with anyone whos not a hobo or old person or baby ha. idkk.

i didnt consciously try to date really, until my last year of college. idk, i thought i wasnt ready or something or thought itd be overwhelming or i wouldnt be good at it and itd just be an embarassment i guess. i think i just casually mentioned wanting to be dating and my dad ha actually goes, you should do online dating ! so i did and i actually learned a lot about making convo that way, you get to talk to all these strangers and if it doesn’t work out, it doesnt matter and you can just stop, and id never been too social so i was getting some good practice talking to people there ha.

im always afraid that looking back, ive made a horrible fool of myself socially mostly, and i wasnt aware of it ha . but i feel like i dont say much most of the time so how bad could it really be.

i think mostly im embarassing, ive been informed, because ive been not very confident and then i might mumble my words and its just hard to understand and painful to watch . and then i start scratching and fidgeting when im nervous. ee. idkk im hopingg i feel like ive gotten much more confident since working at ch last year, because if youre not confident there youll literally get your ass handed to you. so in about 6 months you learn how to say what you want and set boundaries, and i had a friend who was just like me but i feel like people liked her more and i was like, why do they ? and i was like, probs because shes more articulate and confident, so i decided to be more conscious of how things sound when they come out my mouthh. if im embarassing for anything else its been just like knowing social norms lol and convo making and how to make romantic moves/take cues, but ive been putting myself out there a lot more these past few years, painfully, and feell like ive learned a lot and am a lot more aware of what im doing [right] so thats better.

#mediocre #school #goals #i guess this doesnt belong here but i didnt know where else it should go

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