#maybe i should start going to bed late again. like midnight or 1am. it doesn’t seem to make any difference

[fingertipsmp3]

Is anyone else sleeping an abnormal amount at night but still getting tired in the day

[homeformyheart]

the antidote - m!raleigh carrera x mc (plat)

author’s note: follow-up to “hopeless.” i hope you enjoy!

copyright: all characters owned by pixelberry studios. songs and lyrics owned by their respective creators. series/pairing: platinum – m!raleigh carrera x mc (cadence dorian) rating/warnings: 18+; swearing and smut; ns*w parts between the 🔥⚡ and ❄💧 icons word count: 2.9k based on/prompt: “love in the dark” by adele / “golden” by harry styles summary: cadence realizes raleigh stopped by her apartment late at night and decides to patch things up.

the antidote

raleigh lifted his head from his hands and winced at the pain in his neck. he slowly started massaging the side of his neck and glanced at his phone. it was almost midnight and he was almost positive that cadence wouldn’t still be out. maybe she went to matt’s instead. was she living with him? shit, he didn’t even stop to consider that she might not even live in this apartment anymore. maybe it really was hopeless. he rubbed his eyes and stood up to leave.

by the time he got back to his apartment, it was almost 1am. stupid late night construction on the bridge turned a 20 minute car ride into 40 and even though he really should just go to bed, he was going to polish off that bottle of mezcal he started and indulge (although some would call it torture) himself. he set his phone to cast to his tv and hit play on cadence’s video album. just for a moment, he wanted to pretend she was singing for him.

he made himself comfortable on the couch with his half-finished bottle of mezcal as his surround-sound speakers reverberated softly with cadence’s soulful voice; it was as though his home speaker set-up was tuned just for her. he poured himself a glass only to quickly drain it, so he poured himself another.

i can’t love you in the dark it feels like we’re oceans apart

ironically, or maybe not so ironically, raleigh was sitting in the dark, looking up at cadence’s beautiful, crying face on his enormous tv. god, she even somehow made crying look beautiful. for some reason, this song in particular hit closest to home for him. in a way, cadence was finally acknowledging that he was always dragging her down into his dark, self-destructive headspace and she needed more, she needed to be in the light so she could live the life she was meant for.

at the end of the song, raleigh switched off the tv and pulled up his recording app. he had been working on a song for months and had the track laid out but couldn’t seem to get the lyrics right. he grabbed his guitar from the other end of the couch and played a few warm-up chords. he really shouldn’t try to sing or record anything while drunk, but he’d deal with the mess in the morning.

as the opening track played in the background, he closed his eyes and recalled his favorite memory. they were sleeping in, with cadence using his arm as a pillow. the sun was starting to rise and beam through his penthouse windows, and raleigh shifted carefully onto his side so he could use cadence’s head to block out the sunlight hitting him directly in the face. as he was closing his eyes to sleep a little more, he noticed that the sun was leaving a golden hue around her head and body, making it seem like she was glowing.

cadence sighed and looked at her phone. it was almost midnight. he was probably out clubbing and hooking up with a model or something and cadence knew if she stayed here all night she would regret it. maybe she read him wrong. maybe he only wanted to know if she loved matt because he was angry she didn’t give him a heads up and not because he still had feelings for her. she requested a dryve before putting her shoes back on and heading back downstairs.

she raised her head tiredly when the driver stopped at her apartment and dragged her aching feet to the elevator and down the hallway to her unit. she stopped in front of her door, puzzled at the crumpled piece of clothing on the floor before picking it up. she held it up in front of her and recognized it as the maroon suit jacket raleigh was wearing earlier that evening. cadence smiled to herself as she changed out of her gown and let her hair down. maybe it wasn’t hopeless after all.

* * * * * raleigh groaned at the pinging noise from his phone indicating he was getting text messages. why didn’t he put his phone on silent? he reached over and was confused when his hand landed on pure air instead of his mattress or nightstand. he cracked an eye open and realized he fell asleep on the couch, which he was going to pay for later. raleigh sat up and stretched before grabbing his phone off the floor and opening his messages.

whatever hungover state he was in disappeared when he realized they were all from cadence.

cadence: [i assume this was a gift for me, but it doesn’t quite go with my dress]

she sent him a selfie of her wearing his jacket over her gold dress from last night. which meant she eventually did make it home. and that he left his jacket at her apartment like an idiot.

cadence: [actually, i think it looks better like this, but it’s a bit big don’t you think?]

his eyes widened when he saw the last message she sent, which was just a selfie of her wearing the jacket without a shirt underneath. she blocked out her face and the picture only showed the top half of her body, but it was enough to send blood rushing south and raleigh groaned again, rubbing his hands over his tired face. he was not sober enough to process this.

a knock on the door made his stomach suddenly drop with anxiety. he stood up and dragged his feet to the door, not bothering to check who it might be before opening it, only to have his jaw drop in surprise to see cadence. and of course, she looked absolutely perfect in a yellow romper, her long hair pulled back into a loose ponytail with wisps of hair framing her nervous face.

“hi,” she said, licking her lips nervously.

“hey,” was all raleigh could get out as he blinked rapidly to wake himself up.

“can i come in?” he nodded and stepped away from the door.

cadence followed and set her bag down before handing him an iced coffee and the breakfast burrito she grabbed on her way over. he looked at her quizzically but didn’t hesitate to start scarfing down the food.

“i figured you might be hungover and we didn’t get a chance to finish our conversation last night,” cadence said, shrugging nonchalantly to hide how nervous she was.

raleigh took a long sip of his coffee before answering, “how did you figure that?”

“because i know you, raleigh. even if you like to act like i don’t. also, clearly you came by my apartment last night given you left this there,” she said, taking out his jacket from her bag and folding it neatly on the kitchen table.

raleigh looked away and finished off his breakfast. “a crazy fan could’ve taken it from me while i was out last night and left it at your place,” he said, shrugging. he looked over at cadence with a smirk and chuckled at the same time she giggled at how ridiculous he sounded.

“so you were at my apartment while i was at yours,” cadence said. she waited a beat for it to click for raleigh; once she noticed the shift in his eyes and brow, she continued, “so, let’s talk.”

“you’re the one who didn’t answer my question,” raleigh pouted. he was not going to make this easy for her, hungover state or not.

cadence folded her hands in her lap. “okay… let’s talk about the real reason you didn’t want our relationship to be public.”

raleigh stopped drinking his coffee mid-sip. “you know the reason. i was trying to protect you – your reputation, your career – from being associated with me.”

“okay, let’s agree that is one reason, but i know there are other, more significant ones, raleigh,” cadence said, a little bit annoyed. “i have a whole team whose job it is to worry about my career and reputation; i didn’t need you to worry about that too, and you know it. so be honest with me for once.”

raleigh looked away from cadence and out at his living room, which illustrated how much of a mess he was last night, with his guitar sitting on the coffee table next to the empty bottle of mezcal and his clothes from last night strewn all over the floor.

“okay, i guess i’ll just tell you what i think until you’re ready to talk. i think you were afraid of getting hurt,” cadence started hesitantly. raleigh turned back to look at her and looked as though he was genuinely considering her words, giving her the courage to continue. “for some reason, you think you don’t deserve me, and instead of working to prove to me that you do, you decided, by yourself without consulting me, that some day i might realize i deserve better than you. and the thought of losing me scared you, so instead you protected yourself by hiding our relationship.”

“that doesn’t sound like me,” raleigh said, with a sharp edge to his voice. how dare she try to psycho-analyze him? but he knew, deep down, that she was right. he felt vulnerable and terrified and unprepared for the damage she could do to him if he let himself fall for her. so he kept her at a distance.

“i wouldn’t be so sure,” cadence said slyly, pulling out her phone and pressing play.

a familiar track started playing and raleigh’s eyes widened in panic.

“cadence, i miss you so much, baby,” raleigh heard his drunken self croon out and cringed. when and why the fuck had he sent this to cadence?

i know you were way too bright for me i'm hopeless, broken

raleigh buried his face in his hands. if it was possible to die of embarrassment, this would be his moment. he had finished the song drunkenly last night and thought he was merely recording it for himself, but he must’ve sent her a voice recording instead.

he didn’t think it was possible for cadence to get even cuter, but there she was, perched on his kitchen counter singing along with a grin so wide that his own face hurt from looking at her.

“when it ends, don’t wanna let you know,” cadence sang softly, “i don’t wanna be alone.” she leaned over and nudged raleigh’s elbow off the counter and gave him an adoring look.

he sighed before clearing his throat to sing along. “i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known,” he crooned, “loving you’s the antidote.”

the brilliant smile on her face almost made his humiliation worth it. almost. cadence put her phone back on silent and her eyes softened as she looked at him.

“raleigh – is that how you really felt?” raleigh could only nod sheepishly. “you do know i feel the same way?”

“what?”

cadence rolled her eyes. “come on, you’re raleigh carrera. thousands, if not tens of thousands, of fans would love to be with you and everyone always wonders why you’re with me, the boring, goody-two-shoes, pop star. i know what all the tabloids and your fans say, they all feel like you can do better.” cadence looked down at her lap, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “and they’re probably right.”

raleigh looked at her dumbfounded. surely, she wasn’t serious? did she really have no clue that she was the one who brings light to his life? and without it, he’d just drown in his own drunken stupor. he stood up abruptly, startling cadence slightly with the sound of the scraping chair as he walked around the kitchen table to her side of the kitchen counter.

“you have no idea what you do to me, do you cadence dorian?” he murmured, tilting his face upward so cadence could stare into his gorgeous eyes. “you are everything that is good, and light, and real in my life and i don’t deserve you.”

“well, maybe we deserve each other,” she retorted, amused.

raleigh smirked. “does that mean you don’t love matt?”

cadence rolled her eyes and wiggled her left hand in front of his face. “it was all publicity, baby. and maybe a little payback to get your attention.”

his eyes narrowed. “are you fucking kidding me?”

“you couldn’t stand to be in the same room with me, raleigh. it was actually matt’s idea and it worked, didn’t it? you were finally honest with me,” cadence said, pointedly. “you should be flattered, really.”

raleigh couldn’t help but fail at holding his smirk and broke out into a grin. “i love you.”

cadence felt her eyes get misty. “i love you too, raleigh. so much,” she leaned in and he met her halfway in a searing kiss full of longing, desire, and love.

🔥⚡🔥⚡

he stepped closer, nudging cadence’s knees apart so he could pull her flush against him. his hands ran up and down her back, settling on her thighs as he kissed her relentlessly, swallowing any sighs, gasps, or breaths she tried to take as he bit her lip, kissed her neck, sucked on her collarbone, and moved back up to her lips again.

“raleigh, please, i need more,” cadence gasped as his hands squeezed her butt. she tried to ground herself on his broad shoulders but his bare skin beneath her fingers felt as hot as she did at her core. raleigh let out a low growl and pulled back just far enough away so he could balance before he lifted her up off the counter.

he continued kissing her collarbone as he walked over to his bedroom, laying her gently down on the comforter. he massaged her breasts with one hand while searching for a zipper or way to take off her romper with the other.

“what the fuck is with this dress?” he said between kisses. “it is not giving me access to you.”

cadence laughed, that sweet, ringing laugh he missed so much. “it’s a romper, raleigh. you take it off all at once,” she said, doing her best to look seductively at him while untying the halter strap and lowering the zipper so he could pull the romper off her and throw it on the floor, followed by his sweatpants.

“don’t wear that stupid thing again,” he growled as he buried his head between her legs. cadence gasped at the sudden feel of raleigh’s tongue on her clit and fingers against her core, stoking the fire she felt before.

“i won’t, god, raleigh, that feels so good—i need you, now,” she whimpered, reaching down to grab his face and pull him up to her.

raleigh groaned and lined himself up at her entrance. he leaned down to kiss her deeply and watch with satisfaction at her face as he pinched her nipples and reached down to grab her ass. cadence impatiently locked her legs behind his and pulled him toward her, sighing with satisfaction once he was fully inside her.

“you feel so good, cadence,” raleigh growled, nipping at her bottom lip as he started thrusting slowly.

cadence lightly scratched his back up and down before settling her hands on his ass and grabbing them firmly. “faster, raleigh. please,” she didn’t care that she was begging, only that she wanted more of him.

raleigh started moving at an almost punishing pace, but cadence matched him thrust for thrust until she couldn’t take it anymore. she didn’t know where she ended and raleigh began. he filled all her senses - his touch, his kisses, until she couldn’t think of anything but him. she cried out his name as the pressure became almost unbearable and raleigh watched with awe at how radiant she looked coming apart in his arms. it didn’t take long before he followed suit, grunting her name and collapsing on top of her.

❄💧❄💧

“i love you,” cadence whispered, as raleigh slid off her and pulled her in to his side.

raleigh leaned down to give her a kiss on the forehead. “i love you, too. i don’t know about you but i really need a nap. i stayed out really late last night waiting at my girlfriend’s apartment but she was a no-show.”

cadence let herself quietly internalize his words. “are you sure you’re ready? we’re going to do this together?”

he nodded. “i don’t want to be without you anymore. i can’t be without you, cadence.”

cadence hummed and curled her body into him even closer. “good. i’ll be your antidote.”

“you’re never going to let that go, are you?” he said, but without any real snark in his tone.

“nope, you’re stuck with me, raleigh carrera,” cadence murmured sleepily as raleigh pulled up the comforter to cover her shoulders.

he would take however long she was wiling to stick with him, because there was no doubt in his mind, he was head over heels in love with her. he looked down at cadence’s sleeping form, and for the first time in a long while, felt completely relaxed and content. as he felt his body slip into sleep, his last thought was about how much he was looking forward to waking up with light.

* * * * * mentions: @dulceghernandez; @thegreentwin; @kat-tia801; @the-unconquered-queen; @otherworldlypresents; @brycesgirl; @robintora;

[ash-clarington]

WHO: Ash & Dani @daniharperdominant WHEN: saturday night 5/8  WHERE: Hotel Warnings; tw: drug mentions

Ash had felt weightless for a while. She'd spent the entire day with Dani, she would have stayed the whole night had the rules allowed but the last few nights she'd taken to staying tucked up beside the Dominant until she had to go, pulling herself from the bed with enough time to get back to her assigned room before curfew. After Friday night though, Ash found herself knocking back at Dani's door bright and early and getting back into bed to sleep the rest of the morning away. They’d spent another day together and after a quick re-up in the bathroom ( on her OWN phone ) and a scene, Ash had hardly felt as if she'd had a body. It was just after midnight then though and both the effects were beginning to wear thin on her as her thoughts started to flood again. Ash pushed back further into Dani as they spooned in bed, testing with a squeeze of her hand to the Domme's to see if she was awake.

The time she'd been able to spend with Ash had been a blessing after not being able to see her so long, and she'd treasured every single moment of it from the morning to curfew.  Saturday had been no exception, and after a full day together they'd curled up in bed together to just rest and be in each other's company.  She was drifting, not quite asleep but not quite awake, and her reaction to the little squeeze was delayed by a moment.  When she did feel it though, she hummed.  "Hey, you."

Getting a response, Ash turned over. The light was off but there was enough light shining in from outside that she could just make out Dani's face. Ash wedged her leg between the Dominant's to get herself closer, finding Dani's hand again to link their fingers. "Hey." She returned, big eyes flickering back and forth between Dani's. After a week of crashing into her at full speed and all the so called space she needed prior, Ash knew she was going to have to say something. Going back to campus and dodging the Domme's attempts to see her again after she'd so clearly missed her wasn't going to make any sense. Ash didn't want to play any games, she just wasn't sure where she was supposed to start. Fidgeting with a corner of the sheet, the submissive took a deep breath and let it out slow and quiet. "I need to talk to you about something."

Dani smiled at her, the smile only getting bigger as their fingers were linked.  But it didn't take long to see that something had changed, like a switch being flipped.  Ash looked nervous, not quite maintaining eye contact, and it was disconcerting because Dani really had no idea what was happening or what had changed so suddenly.  She didn't push, though, waiting until Ash finally spoke.  "I'm right here," she promised, squeezing their joined fingers.  "For whatever you want to talk about."

There was a long pause while Ash attempted to put her thoughts in order in an effort to not get ahead of herself, or let on just a bit too much. In the grand scheme of it Ash couldn't guess how Dani was going to react and apart from Hunter's unpredictability, that's what scared her the most. "I know you must have notice me... not around as much for a while." It was easier to just be frank. In any case, it was the only way Ash knew how to communicate. "Ever since my brother has arrived." Subconsciously her fingers moved from toying at the sheet to gripping Dani's shirt instead, habit she had whenever she was worried she'd be left on her own or when seeking comfort. The other hand still locked in a grip around the Domme's. "It isn't that I didn't want to see you it's just... Hunter just has a lot of opinions and a problem with being in my business."

There wasn't a word spoken or any move to rush as Dani waited.  Whatever Ash needed to say to her was important, and she wouldn't take that away by getting ahead of herself.  "I have noticed that," she replied softly.  She didn't know that it had anything to do with Hunter, but the timing did line up.  As Ash played with her shirt Dani grew more concerned, because that was a comfort gesture and if she needed comfort then the conversation definitely couldn't be good.  "So...does that mean that Hunter has a problem with me?  Because I don't think I've done anything to him..."

"No, it's not like that. Not... exactly." Ash shook her head. She didn't know how to explain to Dani how impossible her brother was, especially when it came to his views and values. "He's just been..." The submissive shook her head again, momentarily at a loss for the right words, "watching me, somehow." She rolled her eyes. This was ridiculous, her brother had no business being the topic of conversation on a late night laying with someone she cared for. Ash resented every moment of this. "And he's been known to question who I spend my time with."

Dani frowned.  None of what she was hearing made sense to her, and she didn't like the way it sounded.  "Your brother's been watching you?  That sounds like the kind of thing that you should talk to the Deans about, Gorgeous.  Because that's a million miles from okay.  And he wants to decide who you spend time with?  Would I not meet his standards?  I'm not angry," she promised.  "But I just want to understand."

Ash grew more and more anxious with every word Dani said, her index finger twisting around the hem of her shirt in one direction and then the other. Although she did let slip a sort of scoff at the mention of the Deans, even if there was something to be done it'd only piss him or her father off in the long run for making a scene. "I don't know what he'll think..." That was a lie, Ash already knew exactly what he would say. Dani wasn't a legacy and she wasn't from a wealthy family, she was sure anything else wouldn't even matter to him.  "but I know he has a way of always getting what he wants and getting rid of what he doesn't and I'm worried he'd..." Ash's eyes snapped to Dani's and she quieted herself, she wasn't trying to create conflict here. In fact her goal was the exact opposite, Ash just wanted to keep Dani to herself. "I don't want to be a problem for you."

It sounded to Dani like he would actually threaten her if he didn't like her.  And while she wasn't a fighter by nature, she hadn't spent time where she had without learning a few things.  "I want you to listen to me, okay?" she stroked Ash's cheek gently with one hand.  "You are never, and will never be, a problem for me.  If your brother doesn't approve of me he can talk to me about that in person.  But I believe that who you spend your time with is your choice, and as long as I'm that choice I'd like to keep doing that.  As long as that's what you want."

Ash untwined her hand from Dani's to lift it to her other at her face before she could pull away, capturing it and holding it there on her cheek. "I want to choose to spend time with you." Ash said, meaning it. She wanted to see Dani, she wanted to be near to her, that much she knew. Her chest always tightened into an ache with the thought of other things so she seldom allowed herself to go there but Ash had come to trust Dani the most and she certainly didn't want to stop seeing her. Ash also didn't want Hunter anywhere near her. If her brother decided he wanted to, just to get her out of Ash's life or to punish Ash for her choices, he wouldn't hurt Dani directly. The submissive didn't think so anyway, though she had witnessed him fly off, that was usually reserved for fits of rage and people who had wronged him personally. It would come from something more unexpected, something he could control with his money or connections. Ash pressed her lips together to keep from frowning as she searched Dani's face. They hadn't really gotten anywhere and she wasn't high enough anymore to keep thinking about it. She ducked her head and hid herself beneath Dani's chin, it wasn't something she was going to be able to convey right then and her energy had run dry. Ash hooked a finger beneath the Dominant's shirt collar and steadied herself with a long audible sigh. "I should go soon." She noted, even though they were only just approaching 1AM. "Curfew."

Dani nodded.  That was good.  It was what she wanted to hear, because it was the most important thing in her mind.  Whatever her brother was doing that worried her so much, Dani intended to find out - especially if it was going to affect their ability to be together.  She wouldn't go at the problem directly, not yet, but there were sideways and alleys she could take that might help explain what was happening.  As Ash curled up to her, hiding beneath her chin, she pressed her lips to the top of her head.  "If that's what you'd like to do, gorgeous.  Can't be breaking curfew."  Then, though, she pulled back a little.  "Promise me that we'll still see each other when we get back?"

Her eyes were already closed, forehead nearly flush to Dani's chest, but Ash swallowed thickly around the lump in her throat, trying to decide how best not to lie. "I'll still see you, Miss." She said leaving out the word promise and dropping the 'maybe not like this' or, 'just not nearly enough' entirely. The submissive had to force herself to move from out of Dani's arms and the bed but the thrum of her heart in her temples and the guilt swarming like bees inside her were enough to make her wish she were back in the bathroom, or at least smoking a cigarette. She tugged on her shorts, then boots, and balled her sweater up with her phone in her hands. Ash stood for a moment looking back at Dani, then brought her knee back over the mattress to lean down and drop a kiss to the Dominant's cheek, "I'll come back in the morning." She promised, and made herself go before Dani could ask her anything else.

Her arms stayed looped around Ash for as long as she was willing to stay, waiting to hear the answer to her question.  There were words that she noticed didn't come, ones that were important, but Dani didn't push.  Whatever the future held they'd navigate it, and if that forced her to be a little bit more proactive in her actions then that would have to be the way it was.  Letting go carefully, she watched Ash dress and turned her head just a little to accept the kiss.  "I'll see you then, gorgeous."

[firesoulstuff]

@smoaknsnow6​ messaged me asking for Steelhacker 1. Things You Said at 1am

Zari settles herself into the mattress, her head in Nate’s lap and his fingers beginning to card through her hair. She’d missed this while she had been in the totem with her ancestors. She’s been back for nearly two years now, but still, sometimes her mind brings her back there in peaceful moments like this and she remembers to cherish it.

Which is probably why she’s losing her game.

This is what they do at night. She plays on her switch, he watches a documentary on deep space or some other science topic; something he’s interested in but doesn’t already know everything about. Sometimes she watches with him, sometimes not, it never really matters. So long as it’s the two of them she’s happy.

“Hey.” He says after awhile, and when he doesn’t immediately continue she pauses her game and cranes her head up to look at him. “Do you remember that talk we had in the lab a while ago? While we were working on the alien tech?”

.

.

“Ugh, where is Ray when we need him?” Nate asks as she returns, a mug of steaming coffee in each hand. “I swear, we’re never going to figure out how to unlock these things, never mind use them.”

“Hm.” She hums, and that’s all she has to offer, her expertise may be in hacking but so far when it’s come to these weapons she has been utterly useless.

So, she offers him his coffee.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

She takes a sip of her own coffee and claims the seat beside him, laying her mug to rest and then picking up a chipped piece of the casing.

“Are we still voting no on smashing them?”

“Ask me again in another hour.”

She chuckles, still turning the tiny fragment over in her fingers. While she’s doing that he takes a long, greedy sip of his coffee and nearly moans, which only has her grin widening.

“Oh man.” He says, lowering his mug but not yet relinquishing it. “Seriously. When I die, you are not allowed to make coffee this good for your next boyfriend.”

She laughs, “Don’t worry, my next boyfriend won’t have a secret stash of Ray Palmer’s favorite coffee grounds to steal from.”

He eyes her, probably trying to determine if she really went into the special stash he keeps for Ray’s visits. She did, and she knows he can see that clearly, but he keeps on drinking.

“Easy, Babe.” She warns him, still smirking slightly. “We need you awake, not off the walls.”

He hums, “I don’t know, I think off the walls Nate might be the best thing we haven’t tried yet.”

“Yeah, well I think off the walls Nate is the same Nate who broke our last time courier so...”

“Ok.” He says, unimpressed, and flipping her off.

They work well past midnight, going on 1am as well as their third round of coffee by the time Zari really starts to feel the fatigue hitting her. She’s taking a break from the weapons right now, searching instead through the files of kids the aliens abducted; looking for commonalties in their day to day lives that could have lead them all to that playground at two in the morning.

“I can’t believe none of these kids parents knew they were gone until the next morning.” She mumbles, “I mean, I know I’m not gonna be a perfect mom but if our ten-year-old sneaks out of the house in the middle of the night, I’m gonna know about it.”

He chuckles, looking at her with a grin before shaking his head and returning to whatever he is doing with that screwdriver.

“And how do you propose to do that?”

“Simple. Second-story bedroom, alarms on the front door and first story windows.”

He snorts again, “We live in a two story house now?”

“If you want to live on the ship forever that’s fine by me, kid’s definitely not sneaking out in that scenario.”

He’s grinning at her, still laughing under his breath.

“No,” He says after another second, “We are not living on the ship forever. Maybe for a little while after we get married, depends.”

“On what?”

He shrugs, and it isn’t lost on her how casual this conversation is. They’ve talked about this kind of stuff before, to an extent, but it was before they were a couple. When they were just friends. The two of them and Ray mostly, but sometimes the others, would talk during these late night work sessions about their own futures. They would say things like “on a mission I’m going to meet a girl” or “I’ll bring my family back and go off to live with them, maybe see you losers on the holidays. Your holidays.” They didn’t always mean everything, 9/10 times they didn’t.

This is the tenth time.

Yet, it’s just as easy as the other nine.

“Couple things, I guess.” He says, “How long it takes us to decide between 2022 and 2044, cause we both want our parents around. And how soon after we get married we want to start trying for a baby. Dammit.”

He lets his screwdriver clatter to the floor when it slips violently from his hand. She watches it fall, her eyes lingering for only a second, and then she flips to the next file in her stack.

“I mean it’s probably the sooner the better on both those fronts.”

“How do you figure?” He asks, reclaiming his screwdriver and she takes another sip of her coffee while doing some mental math.

“Well, I’m 38, which is kind of late in the game to start having kids but not like, unheard of. That aside the kid will take nine months, not to mention trying could take a few. I’m not exactly thrilled with the idea of having a baby after 40 but that’s what we’re looking at. Plus every time we talk about kids there’s more than one so if we’re going that route we’re either adopting or we’re having them close together because I am not having a baby after 45. Sorry but I am drawing the line there.”

“Don’t worry” He snorts, unfazed by her long explanation. “I don't care if you have them or we adopt them but we are at least in the process of having the last of our kids by the time I’m 45, and technically I’m a year and five months older than you.”

“Hmm, technically you’re 26 years older than me.”

He glares at her, he always hates when she brings that up.

“What?” She asks, feigning innocence.

“Don’t say that.” He chides her, and she laughs.

“What??” She mocks, “I’m just saying-”

“You are not... You’re trying to make me sound gross.”

.

.

After that the conversation had kind of dissolved into a “fight” over which of them farts more in bed. He does, for the record.

Ok, she does, but she’s never admitting it.

“Yeah.” She says, “What about it?”

“I don't know.” He shrugs, “I was just thinking... when you said we should get started soon on some of that stuff... I mean my mom doesn’t work and a lot of her good friends are dead, and we’ve been thinking about telling her about time travel for awhile. I was just thinking maybe she could come with us to 2044, get a nice apartment in Seattle. The opposite side of Seattle from where we would live but-”

Zari laughs, cackles actually, and so Nate starts laughing too.

“What?” He asks, tightening his arm that’s been draped loosely around her. “I’m serious.”

“I know.” She says, “And I’m all for it, but the problem is if we live on the opposite side of the city from her that means we live on the same side as my parents, and there’s two of them.”

He shrugs, undeterred. “Then we live on one side of the city and put my mom on the side where your parents live, and that way all three of them can plot against us.”

She keeps laughing. She can just picture that. His mom and hers, meeting up on Saturday mornings for coffee or something else, talking about her and Nate and workshopping new ways to invade their privacy.

“Ok, that’s one problem solved. What about the second one?”

Nate shrugs again above her. “Depends.”

“On what?”

He looks down and meets her eyes, and suddenly she feels his hand worm it’s way into hers; something small, round, and metallic clutched inside.

“Will you marry me?”

[redefiningthirtysomething]

Ever have a family member that you didn't like? so much so that if they weren't related to you, you would never even consider being their friend? I have one, and that's my little sister. Sad isn't it? It wasn't always this way.

Before I get into why we don't speak, I'm not coming from a place of judgement. I'm nobody to judge, which she doesn't understand. She thinks I judge her, but in all honesty she has made poor Choices and she doesn't take accountability. I decided to set boundaries with her and that makes me "judgy" apparently.

Let's call her Rain. Rain is 5 years younger than me, so that makes her 32. She's the baby of the family and has really taken that title to the next level. This girl has always been the "crazy" one, partying a lot, following bands on tour in Mexico, boy crazy ... always getting her way. That's ok too, as long as she was always being safe. I understood that when she was 18, 19 ... 20. Rain talks a lot of shit for someone who doesn't have their shit together, and I swear it comes back to her each time. Whatever she was talking shit on happens to her.

Anyway, I can go on and on about her crazy childhood and teen years, I could probably write a book about it, time I dont have right now though. I'm just going to jump forward a bit.

2012. She went through a divorce a few years ago from the father of her kids. Very ugly, bitter divorce. Rain has 2 kids, a girl who's 10 and a boy who's 6. Rain got pregnant by a one night stand And they were forced to get married by his parents, they are very religious and felt it was the right thing. I didnt agree with that, but she went ahead and did it. They tried to make the marriage work, they got pregnant again with the boy, hoping it would help them. Rain was fed up though, she hated her life, she wanted to go out and party, be with her friends who were living their lives, but she couldn't. She hated it. She used to live next door to me, we lived in a small apartment in LA and when the neighbors moved we told them to apply for it and they got it. They lived there for about a year until one day Rain decided to leave. She took her kids and they moved in with my mom. Her husband was beside himself, he asked me for advice. I didnt know the ins and outs of the relationship, things are always different behind closed doors right ? She claimed that he beat her, he controlled her, abused her. He claimed she would sneak out to go party and didnt want to care for the kids. A lot of back and forth ... very different stories. So, he stayed in the apartment for about another year before he gave up and filed for divorce. He hoped she would come back, but she was very happy living her new life. She was living rent free and was able to go out, since our mom was home and able to watch the kids. Ok, cool.

Divorce was done and she was free. She started dating, sleeping around ... no judgement, she was single. As long as she was safe. BUT, we found out she moved some guy into my moms condo without my mom knowing. My mom works and travels alot, so it's easy for this to happen. But when my mom found out, she was upset, but didn't do anything about it. I was mad only because she has a little girl and she didn't really know this guy. Ya know? Plus the kids didn't have their own rooms, they slept with her. It was just weird for me. Anyway, couple years later they broke up and he moved out. Then another guy, and another one ... I didn't like the fact that her kids met all these new guys, or that she moved them in. It's like she cant be without a man.

Ex husband fought for 50/50 custody (thank God) and had them on the weekend. Every weekend. Also, ex husband got remarried but Rain doesn't get along with new wife. I wonder why to be honest, I met her and she's nice. I guess it's a territorial thing ? The kids love their stepmom, so that's all that matters.

Ok, now we are in 2018. I'm pregnant with Olivia. We had a falling out for a few months because she stole 2k from our mom. Not cool. They have the same name, so it was easy for her. So I hadn't spoken to her but the day I gave birth she showed up at the hospital. We spoke as if we were never in an argument. It's weird how sisters can do that, right ? I let it go, if mom didn't care why should I. After having Olivia my mom wanted me to stay at her place for 2 weeks so she could help me while I recovered. So, we moved in right after I got out of the hospital. First couple of days were nice, rain was there and was helping with the baby. Her kids were ecstatic to have us there, Bella was having a blast. I had heard of a new boyfriend that she had, but I hadn't yet met. She wanted to take it slow and not introduce him yet. I understand since all the rest were douchbag.

Rain received sad news about an ex boyfriend from high school who had been killed in a hit and run. I remember him, he was the sweetest. They had remained friends over the years so she was devastated. She planned to attend the funeral but didn't want to take her kids. Since I was staying there I offered to watch the kids, I didnt want them to have to go to the funeral.

Side note: I rarely offer to help with her kids because she never shows up the time she says. Also, I used to pick up the kids from school and I had to take them to my place until she got home, usually late and I had to help with homework and dinner. It was hard for us sometimes as we had things to do and we had to take her kids with us. However her kids love us, they say we are the parents they wish they had.

Ok, back to the story. She goes to the funeral.

Day 1: A few hours go by and it's getting later and later. I'm about 5 days post partum, so naturally I'm exhausted. Mom is at work, so we're just at my moms place hanging out. I text her, no response. I text again, no response. I'm starting to worry. I put all the kids to bed and assure the kids they'll see their mom in the morning. Around midnight my phone rings and it's an unknown number. I answered right away since I was worried about rain. It's one of rains old friend from high school who attended the funeral. He says to me that Rain had a lot to drink and was not able to get home. He says to me that she's ok, it was a rough day for all of them and he would bring her home in the morning. I had no choice, so I agreed and we hung up.

(Come to find out later that was her boyfriend on the line, pretending to be a friend from HS, she had left the funeral hours ago)

Day 2: We wake up and we get the kids ready for school. I'm still trying to get used to the new baby while juggling breakfast for the kids. Her kids kept asking about mom, so I told them she was at her best friend's house because it got late. Eli drove all the kids and then left for work. I'm home all day at my moms, had a few visitors wanting to see the baby. No word from Rain yet. No word from Rain all day. Eli picks up all the kids after school and brings them home. We make dinner and play, while attempting to call and text Rain for an answer. Mom is calling Rain leaving voicemails telling her to get her ass home. No call backs and no reply. We all go to bed. Around 2 am I heard my bedroom door open but it was dark and I could not see, I heard keys and the front door close. It took me a minute to get up, post csection, it's hard. Who was here?

Day 3: woke up, its daylight and bright in the house. I go to the kids room, maybe Rain showed up last night, maybe shes asleep. I walk in to see the kids asleep, but no Rain. I walk into her closet and I see stuff has been taken, shoes and clothes. I look for a toothbrush and it's gone. Perfumes, gone. Hmmm did Rain come last night to get her stuff ? I text Rain, now I'm mad. I'm frantically texting her that she better reply and I threaten to call ex husband. Oh? Guess what ? I got a reply. Interesting.

She texted something along the lines of: hey, its Rain. Sorry I haven't texted you. I'm having a rough time with S death. I need some time. I feel so lost. I'm with J at his place (J is her new boyfriend) . Are you ok to watch the kids, I'll be back. I'll text you.

My response: uh, well yea I mean I guess bit what should I tell them ? When are you coming back? Look, I know this is rough so I'll hang on to them until tomorrow, cool ?

I got no response after that, but at least I know she was ok. I updated mom and middle sister and we all felt better but were still shocked about how inconsiderate she was being.

Day 4: no text or phone call at all. We get the kids to school, pick them up, get homework done. Kids shower and go to bed. Her daughter who was maybe 7 or 8 at the time was worried. She was texting her too, I read her messages : mom, please come home. Where are you ?

I was so mad at this point. Her daughter was so worried and slept at the foot of the bed every night waiting for her mom. So Infuriating. I'm still exhausted and in pain.

I get a call from cousin in Florida, at around 10 pm which his time was 1am. He calls me and asks me what's going on? I had not yet told him what was happening so I was wondering what he was referring to. Rain had just called him. She was drunk out of her mind in DTLA in some bar, she was crying and yelling about how she Hates her life, how she Hates being a mom and Hates everything. Cousin told her to calm down and that he would call me to go pick her up in DTLA. We called her back on three way but cousin told me to be quiet. I listened to that mess for 30 minutes before I had to hang up. She was yelling and cussing, she told him NOT to tell me because I'm judgy ass bitch, wanna be perfect mom and I'll talk shit to her.

At this point, I'm over her. How can she do this to her kids? To me ? I'm over here, still freaking bleeding after my delivery, making sure her kids are safe and fed and loved. While she's out partying ? At bars ? I called cousin back and told him that I will not go get her in DTLA.

Day 5: I think this was a Thursday now, we had picked up the kids from school and went to shakeys pizza for dinner. No texts or calls from Rain all day. I was considering calling ex husband since the weekend was getting close. But, I remembered that he lost his weekend privileges for hitting the little boy. I didn't know what to do at this point.

Side note: little boy has behavior issues, he's been held back from kindergarten for his behavior and bad grades. He spit in his step moms face and ex husband hit him with a belt that left a mark. Rain took him to court to get full custody. He didnt lose the kids however, he had to attend parenting and anger management classes, which he did and his case was dismissed.

Day 6: no word yet. I texted her boyfriend and I told him to bring her home. I told him she has worried children. I asked him if he knew she has 2 kids at home. Want to know what his reply was?

Thank you for your concern.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN !!! ??? Really?? A big fat Fuck You. I think at this point my blood pressure rose, I got heated and my neck started to pound. I cried out of frustration and sadness for my niece and nephew. I thought, what if I adopt them ? I thought about bringing them with me to AZ? Ex husband would fight me for them though. I called friends for advice. I asked middle sister for guidance. Everyone told me to report her to child protection services. But I couldn't because of the fear they would take the kids to a foster home. At that time I couldn't take them to my place. It was small and would not meet criteria for 2 extra kids. Nobody could take them if we needed. I prayed about it.

I had my finger in the phone ready to call CPS, but I couldn't do it. My mom begged me not to she begged me to continue to help with the kids until Rain got home. She told me we needed to help her, she was not ok. I didnt call them. I couldn't. I love those kids. I couldn't put them through that.

I texted Rain in one final attempt. I told her she needed to pick up her kids from school and if she did not then I was going to report her. No answer.

Turns out I didnt have to. Daughter spoke to a counselor at school and the school reported it. When Eli went to pick up the kids they did not release them to him, CPS was there. They called me shortly after and asked me what was going on. I explained to them. They called ex husband but since he couldn't take them at the time due to court restrictions they asked his parents to take them. His parents home did not meet criteria and they were taken to a foster care for the night.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I cried that night. I cried so hard. I was so mad. I was infuriated. How can she do this to them ? Did I fail them ? They must have been so scared. I had my new baby in my arms, breastfeeding and crying for those kids when I should have been enjoying every second with Olivia. I went home that night. I couldn't stay at my moms anymore.

Day 7: I wake up in a fog, still upset from the night before. I check my phone and I had a missed call from middle sister. I called her back and she tells me Rain was able to get her kids back last night from CPS and she is at home. How did that happen I ask ? Middle sister said that she thought I called CPS last night and told them it was all a misunderstanding and I was just upset about babysitting for a few hours.

What? I didn't call ...

Someone impersonated me. She had someone call pretending it was me ... that really scared me.

I called my mom and she said yes, Rain has the kids. CPS apparently asked my mom if this was true that Rain had been gone only for a few hours and my mom totally covered for her.

My mom reason behind it was because she doesn't want the kids to go to a foster home.

I didnt speak to my mom for 2 months after that call.

A couple days after that I received a text from Rain and she basically told me off and told me that she can't believe I reported her. I told to her that I did not make the call...but I should have. We completely blocked each other from everything. She told everyone we know, friends and relatives that I reported her. That's fine, I'll take it.

Get this though, this girl can't get it together to save her life. She has now lost custody of the kids to ex husband. After so much drama, her showing up late for drop offs and pick ups, showing up drunk, starting fights with new wife, picking kids up late from school ... ex husband documented everything and he got a video of her drunk at pick up. The kids now live with him in a house and are doing so well. They're so happy. They chose to live with dad. Oh and the things the kids told the judge, so sad. Apparently she doesn't even cook for them. She's allowed visitation every other weekend. She still lives with my mom, has NO job, no goals... she just parties and hangs out with that douch.

My mom was out of town when this court meeting happened and Rain lost the kids, so nobody actually heard why she lost them. Apparently she told mom that it was because of me, that the judge said MY NAME and that I wrote a letter or some bullshit. And my mom question me about it. First of all, so not true, they cant just use my name and say things without me being there, seriously. I wonder about my mom sometimes.

Ex husband allows me to talk to the kids whenever I want. He was the only person who thanked me for keeping his kids safe and loved. And yes he did ask me for help in taking the kids from my sister, but I said no. I decided to stay out of that.

That is something that I will never ever forgive my sister for. What she put me though, my family... and what she put her kids through. I'm not a perfect mom, not at all, but you just dont do that. And although I see her around at gatherings or holidays, we dont speak. She's not there, I completely ignore her. I go about my time with the family. I have a very strong set boundary with her and she knows it.

She knows that I didnt report her but she needs someone to blame. She cant accept her fault, but she knows. We know.

[unexcusable]

Druck, 11. January 19:30 Translation

Wow so this took ages. I wanted to try it out once, see what it’s like. Well. Respect to everyone who manages to do it as fast as you do, really. 

Read below xx

Hanna’s text: Did you take out comments about you btw?

Are you going to come soon? Please! I don’t wanna be alone here #Jonas

Mia: Yes, on my way

Axel’s text: You don’t need to bring a tooth brush, I have a spare one here.

Mia: Fuck..

Mia’s text to Hans: I forgot my key at home! When are you going to be back home? Linn is at her parents’.

Hans: I’ll be back around midnight. Cool?

Mia: Cool. How’s your peeing going?

Hans: Ouch. Ps: Took 50 Euro from the till for my sick aunt aka. drugs.

 Voice over for Hanna: Totally cute. Bitch. Red devil. Ex BFF. Arrogant. The best. Glued to Jonas (Jonas Klette). Best decision of my life. 

Voice over for Amira: Headscarf (8x). Coolest of all. Women power. Salafist. Inshallah. is-is (?) cool :) 

Voice over for Matteo: Chill guy. Jonas copy. Purist or aesthetic/creative mind (=Feingeist, hard to translate). Is in our year. Cute. Brother. Can kiss well. 

Voice over for Alex: Arrogant snob (3x). Didn’t he graduate last year? Spaz. Cocky. Porsche = small dick. Hot. Wow I wanna fuck that guy. Totally cute. Bad boy. Arrogant. Jerk. Cocky. Heartbreaker. 

Voice over for Mia: Best friend. Politically correct. Red lips. Feminism. Hot. Lesbian? Really pretty. Quite nice. Always sits in first row. Eyebrows. Habibi. Boring. Most beautiful woman in the world.

Girl or Hanna: So? 

Mia: I don’t want to take out anything. I still feel like either everyone is allowed to take out their comments or no one. 

Girl: We’ve had this discussion. I can’t be bothered running after every single person in our year. Again. 

Amira: The years before us did it exactly the same way. 

Mia: It doesn’t matter. Just because we’re in the committee doesn’t mean we should have more power. 

Matteo: None of it really matters though, right? 

Alex: No, I disagree. I think Mia is right. We’ll just do it like this, we’ll give everyone two weeks time to censor comments. Who doesn’t report anything in those two weeks, well tough luck. By the way, I don’t want any of it deleted. In twenty years I’ll still want to know what kind of an arrogant snob I was. 

Girl: Okay. Then let’s do it like that. I’ll send out the documents via the distribution list (e-mails). 

[Bell rings]

Hanna: What happened to him? 

Amira: Boah nice.

Alex: Could somebody maybe help me out? 

 Hanna to Matteo: So where’s Jonas?

Matteo: No idea. He was supposed to come but I don’t know. 

[Girls saying bye]

Hans’ text message: Looks like it will be 1am after all. Peace. Signed: Tripper-Hans (word play because tripper means gonorrhea and he’s tripping on drugs, too)

Mia: Fuck.

Bye. Get home safely. 

Thanks again Alex. 

Ciao.

Mia: What’s going on? 

Amira: We gotta go, I still have to study. And Leoni has plans to meet. 

Mia to Hanna: And you?

Hanna: I promised my dad we’d go to the movies, sorry. But we can talk tomorrow. 

Amira: Bye cuties. The bus is about to come, ciao.

Mia: You can’t just leave me here alone with this psycho. 

Hanna: You can also just go home?

Mia: I forgot my keys.

Hanna: And Hans and Linn? 

Mia: Hans is coming home in two hours and Linn isn’t around. 

Hanna: Ugh. Sorry, really. But I really gotta go, I’m already late. 

Takes you half an hour anyway to get home (I think that's what she said, not sure exactly). Just stay a little and then leave soon. And if something happens, call the police. 

Mia: Funny..

Hanna: Bye Alex, thanks for the pizza.

Alex: K, bye.

Guy coming out of the bathroom: Where is everyone? 

Mia: Gone.

Guy: Shit. How late is it? 

Mia: Half past 10. Is everything ok? 

Guy: Yeah, yeah thanks. 

Alex: Is.. is that puke? 

Guy: No. Yeah, I don’t know.. I usually never drink.. Ugh, fuck. 

Alex: And you? 

Mia: I forgot my key. And my roommate is only coming home in two hours. I’m gonna go now. And to see a movie. Or. I’ll lay down in the park. 

Alex: Mhm.. You could stay here for a bit, I’ll drive you home later. 

Mia: But you’re not allowed to drive anymore? 

Alex: Then I’ll call my driver… Does he really have a driver? Hm. Is he that rich? No.. or maybe he is..

I’m gonna make us some cocoa. 

Ugh. No more milk. Eh.. do you like rose hip tea? 

Mia: What?

Alex: If you like rose hip? 

Mia: Rose hip? (she intonates it differently) Mhm [nodding]

This is a residential-owned flat right? (asking if they/he own/s it) 

Alex: Yes. My sister used to live here. 

Mia: Your sister? 

Alex: Yes. Uhm, you want some honey? 

Mia: Yes.

What’s here? 

Alex: Uh, nothing. 

Do we want to go sit down over there?

Mia: Do you play? Or is this just here to impress girls? 

Alex: No. 

Mia: Be honest now. Why are you suddenly so nice to everyone? Hm? 

Alex: Do you play? 

Mia: Of course I can play. 

Alex: Don’t lie. 

Mia: Why would I be lying? 

Alex: To wind me up 

M: Nope. I really do play. 

A: So play something. 

M: Don’t feel like it. 

A: Right. 

M: What are you paying? 

A: Excuse me? 

M: I’m a professional. I don’t play for free. 

A: I’ve got.. 2.40, 43 cents. 

M: No way. 

A: How much? 

M: Fifty

A: Ten, max.

M: Fifty.

A: Twenty. 

M: Fifty.

A: Forty / M: Fifty

A: Okay.

Mia: Embarrassing. 

A: What about it? Totally handy. Anyway, I got this from my grandma. 

M: Ugh, now he’s starting with his grandma again. 

[She plays, he takes the money]

M: Okay, okay, for real now. 

[they giggle. He takes the money again.]

M: Okay, sorry, sorry, for real now. Really. I swear. 

[After she’s done playing]

A: Who was this from? 

M: Drake. 

Hans’ text message: Hey biatch. Could you maybe sleep over at Hanna’s after all?

I just met Emilio and guess what? He’s also got gonorrhea! #metoo

M: Ugh, fuck. 

Mia’s text to Hanna: Hey.. Could I sleep over at your place after all? Hans isn’t coming home anymore :/ 

[text message not read]

A: Is something the matter? 

M: My roommate stood me up. Doesn’t matter, I can surely sleep over at Hannah’s.. I’m going to check when the next train is. 

A: You can sleep here. 

M: I don’t think that’s a good idea. 

A: Not the way you think. 

M: No, if, then not the way you think.

A: Seriously now. You sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the camping mat. I need to leave tomorrow super early. Let’s not make a big deal out of it. 

M: Why don’t you sleep here on the couch? 

A: The fridge is very loud. 

M: It really is loud.

A: You could also rent my bed. Like at a hotel. One night. My freshly made bed. 

M: How much? 

[after Alex gives her the new tooth brush]

M: Funny. 

[gives him back the 50]

A: Thanks.

Hans’ text message: Tripper-Emilio was done quickly and had leftovers of liver sausage on his mattress, ergo I’m gonna be home soon after all. You still coming? 

Hanna’s text message: Oh no sweetie! Sure come by if you still want to? 

Mia’s text to Hans: It’s all good, I’m at Hanna’s. kiss

Mia’s text to Hanna: It’s all good, Hans is back! Kiss and I’ll see you tomorrow

 Alex: No human falls asleep that fast. 

Mia: Yes. (or: do too/sure) 

A: Good night, Mia Winter. 

M: Good night, Axel Hardenberg. 

A: It wasn’t really Drake though, was it? 

[mcrmadness]

I was happily writing a random fanfic (Richy/Igor because why not) when the news about dä tour hit, I had an adrenaline rush and now my mood hit the rock bottom. And I don’t know what to think.

I’m so tired and also angry at my brain, because of my mental health stuff. I feel like the way I’m living my life is just... bad. Like, idk, it feels like depression even. And it scares the shit out of me. I can still remember very well how my life was like when I was depressed when I was 15-17, it got better only when I started antidepressants. It’s like... I don’t want to die but also life feels so pointless? I have a strong will to live but at the same time I feel like I’m more of living in some sort of limbo between life and death. I only exist, and it’s so hard to reach out to my dreams when the dissociation hits everytime and if that doesn’t, then anxiety does. I usually have been able to deal with anxiety and it has helped a great deal when I just accepted it as a part of me and something I just have to survive with. It made life so much easier when I wasn’t trying to fight against myself all the time, but let it be and exists there.

For years I have been wondering about depression tho because I have the tendency for that but just the thought of that always freaks me out so much I go into denial. I just don’t want to face the feels I had that night when I have no other way out but to start antidepressants. I was feeling so shitty those days and it grew so unbearable I could not continue like that anymore. Since I quite antidepressants in 2013, I have been so afraid that the depression would come back one day because I promised myself I won’t start eating them ever again and if it was to come back, I would not have that form of escape anymore. I don’t want to eat meds ever again but what do you do if you feel so shitty and can’t fix it yourself? At its worst it was me in the shower wishing I could also just go through the drain with the water and stop existing. That happened almost every time I was in the shower, I was just staring at the water going down the drain and wished that was me.

I hate it so much that not only can our bodies decide whenever to die, also our brains can malfunction on a daily basis like mine does. Lately I have been having these short episodes of what I would call as depressive feels. Usually I get these during autumn and not during spring. I know that for some people spring is the worst depression time and for me the seasonal affective disorder has always been the exact opposite aka happy and energic during spring and summer, and flegmatic and tired during autumn and winter; so having these in the middle of March is really weird.

One of the biggest reasons for why I’m against antidepressants on myself is that they absolutely killed my creativity AND my emotions. I was not able to create as much as what I used to do before them. Everything I drew or wrote was very shallow and emotionless, it was so hard to get anything started and done and to get any kind of depth to anything so that even the coloring work and everything was not that good. I see this still today if I take something I drew before, during and after meds.This is especially visible with my texts as I wrote several short fanfics around that time and once I started writing again in 2018, my texts were suddenly so much smoother to read. And between 2013 and 2018 I had only written school essays and screamed my thoughts into the void called the internet so there wasn’t really any practice going on that could have affected my skills.

With meds I just always felt that something was lacking from my art and texts and it was really frustrating to me because at the time I did not know what was it, everything just felt so much more difficult than what they should have been and I needed so much effort to even get something drawn or written and none of that was as good as what it should have been with that amount of effort. It’s so different now when I haven’t been eating them for almost 8 years. I just wrote 6 pages of fanfiction here and altho it is slightly tacky sounding, I guess I could treat it just as a draft and it’s more important to write down the dialog and events, I can always work on the other stuff whenever I go through that text next time.

Anyhow, I’m even more exhausted now than what I was before. Maybe I will go to sofa soon and try to watch a movie or something, maybe I will fall asleep on the sofa. I’ve been so incredibly tired every day since last weekend. Yesterday I barely could keep my eyes open before midnight. I had woken up around 1pm or so and I was already so tired at night that I just had to go to bed at 1am and I fell asleep immediately. Every day has been feeling like some non-stop jetlag, or as if I had stayed up over 24 hours despite sleeping just enough. Last night I again slept about 7-8 hours, have been awake for almost 10 hours now and my whole body is trembling because of how tired I already am.

[wannawrite]

Siloso Vibes

who?: Wanna One’s Ha Sungwoon genre: 🌸 type: bullet point, part of Christmas collab wink wonk blog navigator. • part of the collab with @onlyjihoonsand@hwinkinghwi • a day at Sentosa with Sungwoon + added Christmas spirit finally writing something for Sungwoon :”), never got a request for him before so I’m happy - Admin L posted late out of respect for Jonghyun. Admins will officially return on the 25/12 Rest in peace, king. you did well. forever and always in my heart. 

• Sentosa • first, I need to explain what Sentosa is and what there is on that island • so Sentosa is an island off the coast of Singapore, linked to the mainland by a bridge • everything there is built on reclaimed land • which is basically throwing sand into the sea to form a platform • I think so • yeah • okay • ‘babe,’ someone says, waking you up from your sleep. ‘Come on, wake up.’ • oh, it’s Sungwoon • who let him into my house? • WHO • I NEED SLEEP • oh yeah, my parents are completely in love with him so I can understand why the gladly opened the door for him • Ha Sungwoon had your parents wrapped around his pinky finger • he finally took a trip back to your homeland after graduation • let me explain • you had flown to Seoul, South Korea to further your university education and there, you met Sungwoon • you guys started going out in Junior year • everyone shipped it • Daniel owed Jihoon $10 • Jaehwan was so touched, he composed multiple songs for both of you • and some were on his debut album • oooh • recently, the both of you had graduated university • CONGRATS TO THE CLASS OF 2017 • AND TO EVERYONE STILL STUDYING, KEEP GOING AND WORKING HARD • YOU GOT THIS • YOU WILL MAKE IT OUT ALIVE • burning the midnight oil writing papers and feasting on instant noodles at 2am was all worth it to hold that 4.0 GPA in your hands • uhh…maybe • possibly • I’m sure its GPA calculated there • sorry, no wifi to check right now :( • right after your graduation ceremony • you ran back to your dorm, packed up whatever was left and met Sungwoon in the campus carpark • he was decked out in full tourist attire • floral beach button down • board shorts • fanny pack securely tightened around his waist • and of course • he just HAD to wear his Birkenstocks • of all of his expensive shoes rotting in his house • his Birkenstocks • at least they weren’t Crocs • you were grateful for that • at least that • I have nothing against Birkenstocks • I guess they just aren’t my style • but Sungwoon still looked like a freaking buffet so you weren’t complaining • he’s probably that young guy who can pull of the ‘dad look’ really well • you know • random coloured t-shirt • or polo • jean shorts? kakis? • white high socks tucked into sports sneakers • or moccasins • maybe pairing Adidas socks with Nike running shoes • can’t forget that leather fanny pack • or a black dad hat • sometimes he would trade that for a snapback or sun hat • okay that’s enough visualising weird images • brain: Sungwoon with that Prince Eric black hair, golden circular spectacles, in a white button-down with the first few buttons open and tight-fitting black slacks • me: SCREAMS • THROWS MYSELF OUT OF A WINDOW • you know that iconic Jimin black hair part? yeah, that one. that would look SO good on Sungwoon • he’s sort of Jimin’s brother anyway • let’s move on • shall we? • Sungwoon as Prince Eric though • super frickin’ hot • ENOUGH • so you two threw your stuffed suitcases into your car trunk and sped off to Jaehwan’s mansion • that’ll be Sungwoon’s car’s house for the next month • some of your friends are there chilling out, still clad in graduation gowns • they’re like ‘what’ • after explaining, they wished you a safe journey and kissed both of you goodbye • Sungwoon left a 23-page journal on how to care for his car • in case Jaehwan had no idea • he was reassured when Minhyun mentioned he would be living with Jaehwan until his apartment was ready • Sungwoon’s car would be safe in Minhwan’s hands • hopefully • Jisung and Daniel drove the two of you to the airport • helping with the luggage and all • Jisung pushing Daniel on the trolley that’s actually meant for baggage • snapping pictures like fansites • ‘hi I’m starting a Sungwoon fansite, I’d like to call it Smolwoon.’ • angry chilli padi Sungwoon activated • he’s so small but spicy I love • ready for takeoff • taken off • RUN DANIEL RUN • is there a sungwoon fansite with that name? please link them if it exists • if not, feel free to take the name • or smallwoon • and tell me about it! • you and Sungwoon eventually get checked in and everything • after hugging Daniel and Jisung of course • video calling the rest of your friends to say goodbye • Jisung almost shed tears • wow • imagine of Seongwoo was there • drama time • flights are such a blessing, I personally love flying and travelling • slept on the flight in Seoul • woke up in Singapore • hELLO CHANGI AIRPORT IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN MY LOVE BEST AIRPORT IN THE WORLD • YOU’RE DOING GREAT CHANGI AIRPORT • it was so cute to see Sungwoon half stumble off the plane • because he had an amazing nap • he emerged still sleepy-eyed and clearly freshly awoken • I’m talking bed-head, trying to cover up his puffy face with glasses and a mask • but he looked refreshed and well-rested so all is well • it’s important to sleep properly! • says the one who stays up to 2am to watch Master Key • Master Key is really addicting, I’ve never been so whipped • you guys managed to get a cab • around 1am three days ago, you got to your house after Sungwoon was dropped off at his hotel • because your house didn’t exactly have a guest room and sleeping in your room was a huge no-no • so you called and talked to him until 2am • how the hell did he wake early enough to get from Ritz Carlton to your home • what even • Sungwoon wasn’t one to wake early • he loved his sleep • and his pre-bed skin-care routine • speaking of which, his skin was effortlessly glowing • hmm, must be a change of weather • ‘BABE!’ Sungwoon yelled, shaking your blanket-clad figure. ‘WAKE UP!’ • was he…okay? • why does he want to deprive me of sleep? isn’t he supposed to come and cuddle with me? • :( • oh! • IT’S TODAY • ‘Aren’t you excited?’ Sungwoon whines, sitting on the edge of your bed. ‘Today’s going to be so much fun!’ • ‘and tomorrow,’ you mumble, still half asleep. ‘Are you not jet lagged? I feel like    I got run over by a truck.’ • SG translation: I kena truck langar • Sungwoon laughs, beaming brightly, sparkling like a total angel • ‘I am but I conquered all to come see you~’ • ROMANTIC • he’s such a hopeless romantic but pretends he isn’t • just a vibe • ‘see,’ he says, pulling up his Uber app to show you his new ride. ‘I even took an Uber here myself, and I spoke to the driver with slang and English.’ • you guys are probably using a mix of Korean and English to communicate btw • it’s so fun speaking in two languages • like you can interchange words into sentences • and no one around you will know what you’re saying • and when you speak dialect, it’s like your communicating in a secret code • for me at least • heh • you guys never had qualms speaking in both languages • for Sungwoon, who had pored over his English notes night after night so he could increase his fluency level, independently taking an Uber with a mainly English speaking driver was a huge deal • friendly reminder that English is not the only language in this world and people should not be obliged to learn/speak it. • it may be a commonly used language and more prominent but that still doesn’t mean everyone has to abandon their culture and switch to English • also, that Kpop, Jpop, Cpop, Cantopop, Bollywood, any other non-native English speaking idols/groups do not need to speak English to be valid • goes for anyone for that matter • :)))) • let people appreciate their cultures and languages • yay okay back to the story • the reason for Sungwoon’s excitement and eagerness • ahem..peculiar behaviour such as rising early • your itinerary for today was a day at Sentosa • more specifically, Universal Studios Singapore • can someone please go with me? • tomorrow would be Adventure Cove • should there be a part two for this? tell me, please • moving on… • it’s the most wonderful time of the year • to visit Universal Studios • well, the queues even at 10am in the morning proved you wrong • but we shall backtrack a little • how you got out of the house? • Sungwoon practically dragged you out of bed • threw you into the shower • saying that he would get your breakfast ready • you tried to battle the morning heat and wake up at the same time by taking an icy cold shower • WAKE UP • emerged refreshed and ready to roll • sort of • Sungwoon was sitting in the living room, talking to your parents • no sucking up needed to win their favour • especially since he helped to prepare your breakfast • ‘oh babe, you’re here! I packed your breakfast in a lunch box in case we didn’t have time.’ • so prepared I can’t • pulls a MOTHER • Sungwoon mum mode: activated • I know Jisung’s the mum but Sungwoon is probably the grandmother, mother or 帅叔叔 [handsome uncle] • flashback when Xuan described San E as 怪叔叔 [strange uncle] • I’m cackling • maybe Sungwoon could be a strange uncle too • eh • he strikes me as that • ‘see,’ he says, patting a stuffed tote black. ‘I even prepared all the things we could need. Umbrella, raincoat, sunscreen, moisturiser, bb cream…oh! This is a new kind of energy drink Jaehwan recommended!’ • hmmm….Jaehwan recommended • okay then… • your parents are SWOONING • WHAT A WELL-ORGANISED MAN • probably has an organiser in that tote • ‘uhh, okay. thanks, babe. so, mum and dad, we’ll be making a move.’ • your parents insist you update them every few hours • and they take a picture • like a prom picture • don’t blame them, they’ve only seen you and Sungwoon over Skype calls and Facetime • you guys hug them goodbye • ‘LET’S GO’ Sungwoon yells, tossing his tote into the backseat of your Rover • maybe some other car because Rovers are unreasonably expensive here • everything is unreasonably expensive here • ‘VROOM!’ • you speed off towards Sentosa. • in the ticketing queue, Sungwoon insists on applying a thick layer of sunblock • you hold his mirror • and then he does it on your face, purposely not blending it • asian beauty standards are like: • pls stop whitewashing • and idolising fair/white skin • dark skin is beautiful and should be deemed normal and acceptable too • anyway • at least he blended the cream properly before you approached the staff • Sungwoon couldn’t stop yelling excitedly as he entered the gates • he was amazed by every single little thing • CHRISTMAS SONGS • CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS • CHRISTMAS SPIRIT • santa hats everywhere • he does have Lotte World • but this was a whole new universe • ;) • Sungwoon’s hand envelopes yours and you two happily skip to the first ride • ‘what about Transformers?’ • ‘sure!’ • honestly, the queue for this ride is so ridiculous • luckily, Sungwoon keeps you entertained by taking a ton of Snapchat filtered selfies • Snow filters • making memes • Facetiming a tired Jihoon - time difference • who wishes he tagged along • he screams a lot during the ride • and screams after about how much fun he had • you two go on a couple more rides • got chased by a T-rex and got a bird’s eye view of the park • burnt to a crisp by a fire-breathing mummy before the roller coaster plunged backwards • went on a safari adventure and nearly got eaten by a crocodile • these are some of my favourite rides tbh • went along for a boat ride with Madagascar animals • ‘yo Sungwoon are you sure you’re tall enough to ride this?’ you tease playfully. • he pouts • yells a bit • before securing his red baseball cap on his head and confidently marching into the queue • ‘watch me.’ • ‘small is spicy.’ • after, you guys ended up buying ice cream • salted popcorn in a Minion container • Sungwoon calculated the expenses to the very cent • he’s either the guy to drop $1000 in a blink of an eye with no hesitation • or drop his friend off before the ERP [a system you pay - using cash card - to use a certain road via vehicle] because he wants to save that $2 • this happens to my friend irl lol ^ • you guys even purchase matching Santa hats • even though those at the mama shop are SO MUCH cheaper • Sungwoon persuades you to buy matching shirts too • ‘uhh are you really sure you want to buy that shirt for Guanlin?’ you questioned, pointing to the shirt in Sungwoon’s hands he got from the children’s section • ‘oh shush I know my son through and through, he’ll love it.’ • ‘….he’s almost 18 soon-‘ • ‘nope!’ Sungwoon exclaims, clamping a hand over your mouth. ‘No, no. His 8th birthday just passed.’ • poor Guanlin • Sungwoon and Jisung are going to feed him banana milk for the rest of his life • ‘what about Daehwi? He’s your son too.’ you point out his bias • ‘…well, he’s Jisung’s son right now because the sun is still out but I should buy my babies matching shirts too right?’ • ‘babe, help me choose one!’ • you guys spend at least half an hour haggling over shirts • which colour one would match Daehwi’s skin more? • wait, this is the exact colour of Guanlin’s eyes! • …this t-rex reminds me a lot of my sons • bet, Guanlin looks like this when he wakes up • *ends up spending much more than anticipated* • Sungwoon takes a brave step and agrees to ride the Battlestar Galactica:  Human Vs Cylon • two of the major roller coasters here • ‘woon, are you sure you’re over 125cm? you need to measure your height again…’ • *167cm* • ‘HAH’ he grins triumphantly • sighs • is confident • and brags about how he loves roller coasters • until he’s standing behind the metal gate, waiting for the cars to come back and all the screams from the previous riders can be heard • ‘uh babe are you sure you want to sit in the first carriage? I can always ask them to change our seats if you’re scared.’ • *bats eyelids* • you nearly fall for it • then, you gently push him to take his seat • ‘WAIT NO MY THING ISN’T CLICKING SHUT’ • a staff has to help him secure his barrier • he takes a deep breath • ‘I’m more nervous then when it was my debut-‘ • *yelling begins* • *yelling pauses* • Sungwoon nearly passes out • after,,, ‘THAT WAS SO FUN LET’S GO AGAIN BABE.’ • you guys stay there until almost closing time • cue staff trying to chase you out • ‘the night is still young.’ • so, you take a trip to Siloso Beach to watch the sunset • munching on fries • you rest your head in Sungwoon’s lap, his hands playing with your hair • the waves crash against the beach, the sunlight glimmers against your skin • ‘this is so different from Korea…’ Sungwoon mutters, almost to himself • he kisses your forehead affectionately, causing a smile to pull at your lips • ‘I like spending this kind of Christmas with you too.’

[evakfanficsrecs]

Hey guys!

As you might know, this week is the Skam Fic Week happening, and since we are a Skam (Evak focused) Fic Rec Blog, we wanted to get in on the fun! Hence, in the spirit of the event, we’ll be holding our own so called SKAM FIC REC WEEK, yay!

How will this work? - First of all, you should read the introduction post to the actual event hosted by the lovely @littlespooneven to gain understanding of what this is all about… Now onto our spin on the event… we will be picking our favorites of every day and adding them to this post which will be updated between Midnight and 1am CEST/6pm and 7pm EST daily!

Here are some small guidelines we have in place for this event (so we don’t lose our sanity):

only recommending Evak centered fics

only recommending fics that are either tagged with the #SkamFicWeek tag or/and have a clarification in the notes that it is in fact an entry for the event

sometimes we might add bonus recs for fics which are posted after our update time

We’re super excited to do this, since during the last Skam writing event, we got a lot of requests to participate and we couldn’t miss out on the opportunity this time! Hopefully you guys will all enjoy it too, as this is not only our way to praise our favorite authors of this amazing fandom, but also a gift to our lovely followers whom we appreciate and love dearly :’) We also figured this would be a great way to organize all the great new recs so everyone can access them easily!

Without further ado, you can find all the recs under the cut and make sure to check back in for 5-10 new recs every day! Have fun ♥

All the love,

Andie & Liv

*

DAY 1: ACCIDENTAL/FAKE DATING

how to get a guy in seven days by thekardemomme Summary: Even and Yousef won’t make a move, so Sana and Isak take matters into their own hands. It doesn’t go exactly as planned. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

my longing drives me crazy for you by highpraises Summary: Isak’s mum worries, Isak makes bad life decisions and Even loves Isak. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

makin’ me a mess by itjustkindahappened Summary: The boy gives him a look of alarm, making a weak attempt at drawing his hand back, but Isak keeps holding it convulsively as he looks pleadingly into the stranger’s eyes. “Listen, this is super humiliating for me but I’m currently getting stood up on a date and my ex is a waiter here and he’s already been walking past my table too many times and looked far too satisfied for it to be casual so can you please just—pretend to be my date or something? I’ll pay for dinner and everything, I’m really sorry about this, I just—please?” Recommended by: Andie

friends don’t treat me like you do by hippopotamus Summary: Isak’s going to humiliate himself in front of Even’s friends because he has no idea how to be - pretend to be - in a relationship. What is Even expecting him to do? Hold his hand? Kiss him? Hold eye contact with him for more than two seconds? Isak can’t do any of that. And he also can’t sleep. Recommended by: Andie

last night by bbyfruit   Summary: Alright, so Isak is pretty used to waking up hungover in the middle of the afternoon, especially at this point in his seventeen years of living. He’s also pretty used to waking up in Jonas’s bed, usually with Jonas curled up beside him, light that comes in through Jonas’s window and hits Isak right in the face. What he’s not used to is Jonas’s arm slung over his hip and no memory of what the fuck got them to this point. Recommended by: Andie

I May Have a Little Crush on You? by shipblur Summary: Even helps Isak out of a tight spot. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

Runaway Boyfriend by stories_and_dreams Summary: Stuck in an airport and trying to get back home to his friends’ wedding, Isak Valtersen is surprised to run into a former classmate from his old school back in Norway. Even Bech Naesheim. They barely know each other, and somehow, before he knows it, Even becomes his “pretend boyfriend” for the weekend wedding. They end up having a great time together but when the weekend’s over so is their relationship, right? Destiny has a different plan, as they keep running into each other again… and again…and again. Will they ever become real boyfriends and stop running from each other? Recommended by: Liv

The best boyfriend by champagneleftie Summary: “Hey man, what’s up. I’m Isak.” The guy still looks confused, like he has no idea what’s happening, so Isak decides it’s probably best to be as obvious as possible.“Vilde’s boyfriend.” This is the possible love of Even’s life, the most perfect boy he’s ever laid his eyes on, with the perfect height and perfect lips and sometimes he does this little thing with his tongue that reduces Even to a puddle of feelings – and he has a girlfriend. * A very liberal interpretation of the fake relationship trope. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

Andie’s BONUS REC: I couldn’t possibly leave this list without mentioning Ciara’s (aka the actual creator’s of this event) brilliant entry which you can read either on her blog or in her collection of various oneshots/drabbles on AO3.

*

DAY 2: BED SHARING

quantum mechanics of fate by thekardemomme Summary: Isak is scared of thunderstorms, and Even is the only one home to help him sleep. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

Not in my bed by Taraxacus Summary: Even is in Isak’s room, soaked wet. He’s staying for the night, and he and Isak will have to share Isak’s bed. Considering they are just friends, it shouldn’t be this nerve wracking. And yet. Isak’s heart is beating loud, louder than the thunder inside, and all the while Even is looking like a dream. Fluff ensues. Recommended by: Andie

seasons may change (but i love you) by kittpurrson Summary: Three times Even and Isak share a bed platonically, and one time as more. Recommended by: Andie

Double Trouble by obscurial Summary: Furrowing his eyebrows in utter confusion, Isak narrows his eyes, trying his very best to formulate a single articulate thought. (System failure.) “What the fuck?” he very eloquently blurts out, gesturing wildly to the two Evens sitting in his bed, one in a visible state of undress and the other wearing one of Isak’s old t-shirts. The two of them do not seem to be worried in the slightest, which only serves to fuel Isak’s panic. (An au where Isak wakes up and he finds two Evens lying in his bed.) Recommended by: Andie

BELLA by LiliMane Summary: “I don’t think you’re a kitten expert, Even, so you shouldn’t be running your mouth in regards to kitten issues with such confidence.” Recommended by: Liv

Sleep on it by unsungyellowraincoat Summary: ”I can’t deal with you right now,” Isak says, turning his head away. “I’ll sleep on the couch.” Recommended by: Andie, Liv

loving you to sleep by highpraises Summary: Even and Isak cuddle a lot, and love each other a whole lot. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

The Motel Stay by dear_ida Summary: Out of gas, the boys are forced to stay overnight at a motel and share a bed. This obviously works well for everyone. Recommended by: Andie

this house is falling apart by bbyfruit Summary: Pros of living with your best friends: they do cool shit with you. Cons of living with your best friends: sometimes their definition of cool shit is forcing you to go camping and share a sleeping bag with a stranger. Recommended by: Andie

just move in close to me by allyasavedtheday Recommended by: Andie

*

DAY 3: ALTERNATIVE FIRST MEETING

And for special effects he has six filters by imminentinertia Summary: lbr, it’s sheer luck (and Isak’s love-struck POV) whenever Even comes across as suave (well, maybe except for the carefully executed slo-mo walk). This is what really happened in the school bathroom. Recommended by: Andie

the one with the hot naked guy by pansexuaIeven Summary: Eva’s apartment comes with a view of a hot naked guy. Isak isn’t complaining. (Or, a fic inspired by ugly naked guy on Friends) Recommended by: Andie

ride it, cowboy by highpraises Summary: Isak is a talented rider and Even is pretty sure he’s in love. Recommended by: Andie, Liv  

Literal Adonis by champagneleftie Summary: Sana and Isak have lunch and Isak meets a literal Adonis. Recommended by: Andie

Make you work up a sweat by diamondjacket Summary: Even is deeply, utterly, monumentally screwed. Also, if Even could actually get deeply, utterly, monumentally screwed by the dude in front of him, preferably into a mattress in the next forty-five seconds, that would be great. Recommended by: Andie, Liv  

slippin’ away at the end of the day into dreams of the two of us running away by wyoheartsmusic Summary: Isak sends an awkward text to a wrong number. It’s the best mistake he’s ever made. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

The Very Personal Shopper by Crazyheart Summary: A shopping service AU. * Isak is too lazy to shop his groceries, and too fed up with Eskild’s complaints, and finds that a shopping service would be perfect. But what could he do when his personal shopper turned out to be the most gorgeous guy he had ever seen? Recommended by: Liv

The Times We Meet by falsified Summary: Even is a cab driver who Isak keeps meeting unintentionally (and intentionally). Recommended by: Andie, Liv

when i met you, when we started off (it sure was a different kind of love) by dewdrops Summary: Sana is supposed to tutor Even but can’t make it due to some vague, unforeseeable events. Recommended by: Andie

*

DAY 4: REWRITTEN/EXTENDED CANON SCENE

You Know How I’ve Been Acting a Little Weird Lately? by kapplebougher Summary: Isak’s finally opened up to Jonas. Jonas feels relieved, and happy, and proud…but also a little guilty. (A little microfic window into Jonas’ thoughts once he’s come home after his kebab with Isak at the end of ep 6) Recommended by: Andie, Liv

I think you’ll find I’m the master here by evakuality Summary: “You’re older than me! I’m the master, and you’re still tired too, so don’t be a fucking dick.” Or… what happens after Even gets his boner at Isak’s birthday party. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

Destinations set by imminentinertia Summary: Isak hasn’t planned anything. Even has, or at least he’s had a flash of inspiration. He doesn’t get his Amazing Magical Extra Special Pool First Kiss, though. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

you’ve got the light to fight the shadows by highpraises Summary: Isak’s thoughts after Mekke Øl. Recommended by: Andie, Liv  

Syng by waitineedaname Summary: It was supposed to be a good night. He’d go out with his boyfriend and their friends, have a couple beers, sing a little karaoke. It wasn’t supposed to end up like this. Recommended by: Andie, Liv

BONUS REC: allyasavedtheday’s drabble on the prompt: What would have happened if the little girl didn’t find the boys in the pool back in episode 4? Recommended by: Andie, Liv 

*

DAY 5: WORK COLLEAGUES AU

Thank You for Flying Norwegian Air! by falsified Summary: Isak and Even are both flight attendants who definitely don’t have feelings for each other. Seriously. They’re just friends. Right? Recommended by: Andie, Liv

It Only Takes a Taste (When You Know It’s Good) by shakespeareandsunshine Summary: It would be bad enough if it was just some mystery coworker stealing meals from the office fridge. Then Isak could hate their anonymous ass in peace. But no, Isak has a very good idea who the culprit is. And seeing the villain in the breakroom every day, smiling at Isak like he has nothing to apologize for was testing Isak’s very limited patience. And also probably his self-control, although for an entirely different reason. Recommended by: Andie

i tried to be strong but i lost it (i knew it was wrong, i’m beyond it) by highpraises Summary: Even has a thing for his intern, Isak has a thing for his boss, they’re both a bit clueless and their friends just want them to get their shit together. Recommended by: Andie, Liv  

Mamma Mia by MermaidsandMermen (SophiaSoames) Summary: The workmates AU for day 5 of Skam Fic Week. And it had to be IKEA, and it had to be Evak, and it has to be ABBA. Of course. A tiny bit of Sweden in the middle of Oslo. Recommended by: Andie, Liv  

EVEN by LiliMane Summary: Whatever. People come and go. Sometimes they don’t come at all. Sometimes they only send you money. And the ones that come don’t stay too long. But that’s how it is and there’s nothing I can do about it. Not that I want to do anything about it. I can accept reality. I’ve been doing nothing but accepting reality since the day I stopped dreaming. And I’m doing quite well, if I do say so myself. Recommended by: Liv

Colleagues? by bashfulisak Summary: Isak and Even have been work colleagues for three years - a couple for two - and they like to call the office their “second home” for multiple reasons. Recommended by: Liv

Unclassified by bri_ness Summary: “Separate fiction from fact, romances from tragedies, the stories you want to experience from the ones you’d rather ignore.” * Isak and Even flirt in a library while having some deep thoughts about cataloging. Recommended by: Andie 

stuck on you (what did i do?) by itjustkindahappened Summary: It’s not that Even doesn’t try to be friendly with him—Isak just makes it so hard. Whenever Even approaches, Isak either makes up a fumbling excuse to leave, or just becomes really stiff and refuses to acknowledge Even’s existence. Whenever Even’s tried to talk to him Isak has just stared into his coffee and mumbled out one-word answers until Even’s had to give up, and it’s just so unfair. Because Isak’s just fine around everyone else—he laughs and jokes around, and Even can just watch from afar how his eyes crinkle up with sunshine and wish he could get to be the one that put them there. Or, a teacher AU with zero teaching and a lot of crushing. Recommended by: Andie 

I Don’t Date Cops by jinglebin Summary: Isak gets a new colleague and he’s instantly smitten. Until said collegue tells him he doesn’t date cops. * Isak and Even at the 99th precinct. Recommended by: Andie

BONUS REC: Ink About Me by readwritesleep Summary: They all have stories on their skin. That’s why they do this, because they love stories. The tricky part is, stories don’t turn into reality until they start to mix. When Even steps through the door of the tattoo parlour, a new story enters. Even might only have eyes for Isak, but Jonas can sense reality shifting around all of them. Recommended by: Andie (I know this one isn’t technically Evak centered and it’s from Jonas’ POV, but I loved it so much that I just had to include it anyway.)  

*

DAY 6: WEDDING GUESTS AU

can’t stop thinking of your diamond mind by ahana Summary: I’ve been hashtag blessed, is all Isak can think. * Or, Even crashes a wedding and Isak’s not too happy about it, until he is. Recommended by: Andie, Liv 

The Disaster Wedding by Jules1398 Summary: Even goes with Isak to his cousin’s wedding. Recommended by: Andie

Always the Guest, Never the Groom by allyasavedtheday Recommended by: Andie

we could burn and crash, we could take a chance by highpraises Summary: Even meets Isak outside of a wedding and experiences love at first sight. Recommended by: Andie, Liv 

BONUS REC: Balance by waitineedaname Summary: Jonas and Mikael are the best men and best friends to the newest and sappiest married couple in Oslo. And yet, they’ve barely spoken to each other. Why don’t they change that? Recommended by: Andie (Again, not Evak centered, but super cute if you like a bit of Jonas x Mikael!)

BOUNS REC: Best Man Support Group by bri_ness Summary: “I’m having an existential crisis at my best friend’s rehearsal dinner.” “What a cliché.” * Jonas and Mikael bond as they help Isak and Even prepare for their wedding. Recommended by: Liv (Not Evak, but is Jonas x Mikael!) 

*

DAY 7: BASED ON A 'FRIENDS' EPISODE OR A MOVIE

the one with the disastrous double date by highpraises Summary: Isak and Magnus agree to set each other up with blind dates, but Magnus forgets to find Isak a guy. Recommended by: Andie, Liv  

TOW The Blackout by bri_ness Summary: “I’m stuck in an elevator with Hot Neighbour.” Recommended by: Andie, Liv  

off the maps by ahana Summary: “I can’t stop running back to you,” Even whispered into the quiet of the night. Isak looked at him, green eyes unwavering. “Is that a bad thing?” “I don’t know yet.” Or, a Brokeback Mountain AU. Recommended by: Andie

Those magic changes my heart arranges by diamondjacket Summary: He slowly, cautiously lifts his gaze. And his eyes run smack into blue ones he thought he’d never see again. Those blue eyes widen immediately, and that soft, pillowy mouth— the same mouth that had tasted Isak’s, not long ago— drops open in shock. “Isak?” Recommended by: Andie, Liv

I’m Flying by bashfulisak Summary: Isak meets Even on the RMS Titanic - and somehow, someway, they fall in love. Recommended by: Andie

Pinstripes (Are All That They See) by shakespeareandsunshine Summary: “No. No no no no no. Nope. Nuh uh. Not happening.” This, surprisingly, from Magnus, finally fully awake and shaking his head vehemently. “We are not putting out a hit on the poster child for happiness.” Isak can’t help but agree. “Not the man,” Jonas says, exasperated. “The dog.” And, well. That certainly changes things. (Otherwise known as that Heist AU you never knew you needed.) Recommended by: Andie

The One With Jonas’ Wedding by allyasavedtheday Recommended by: Andie 

the one where even is extra by bbyfruit Summary: In which Even tries way too hard, Isak is just trying to deliver some damn pizza, and the Balloon squad are best bros. Recommended by: Andie

that's how you know by colazitron Summary: The boy of one's dream doesn't usually metaphorically fall into one's lap through a magical well from a parallel universe. But sometimes, he does. Or: a Disney's Enchanted AU. Recommended by: Andie

the one with the prom video by thekardemomme Summary: Even has been in love with Isak since they were younger, but he never intended for Isak to find out this way. Recommended by: Andie

[airbnbfestivals]

How to review this guest?

Tl;dr: nice guest but checked out 2h30min after agreed upon time, and slept well past midnight, was quite loud with the door/showering/doing laundry/woke us up multiple times throughout his 15 day stay. (I do want to emphasize he was quite nice, and I don’t think he intentionally acted in anyway to be annoying, suspect he may have a disability or just lacking socialization skills/common sense.)Had a guest stay with us for a total of about 15 days or so. He was nice, but just really awkward and it seemed like he had a hard time recognizing social cues, maybe it’s a disability, or just his personality or a cultural thing.He travelled to our country from another country and he would sleep really late I guess because of the time difference or just because of his sleeping habits. Anyway. One of the first few nights he showered at 2am, we reminded him plz shower before 11am because we need to be in bed and get up for work around 7am.He said ok. But then he would still shower past 11, but before midnight. But past midnight, he would use the washroom, go downstairs to get water, etc. Which would be fine if he was quiet but every time he closes the door he would just pull it closed without a care in the world rather than turn the doorknob first and then close it. Our door is quite loud if you just pull it closed, so we were often woken up. We had to message him again reminding him can you please be careful with the door because our rooms are right beside each other, so it’s quite loud if you just pull it closed. One time he started doing his laundry at midnight (like why?!)And then there was one time my boyfriend woke up in the middle of the night to pee and the guy comes out of his room and is like can I blow dry my hair? This was at like 1am. My boyfriend said yes but it’s just such a bizarre thing to request, knowing full well that he would be going back to bed.Another thing is he booked 2 stays with us, left in between to go somewhere else and came back. On his first checkout, we had someone coming the same day so I asked him to come home and move his stuff out of the room at noon and stay in the common area so I can clean the room, which he agreed to. He doesn’t come home until 2pm, and when he gets home he just sits in the room on the desk on his laptop. I had to go remind him twice I need to clean the room for the next guest, because after the first reminder his room was quiet and it didn’t sound like he was packing at all. He ended up leaving the room around 2:30, which was kind of annoying because I had been waiting for him to clear out the room so I can clean and prepare it.Last couple night were fine, and he left the place in decent condition. But should I mention the issues I had in his review? I was thinking of saying something like he’s nice but if you’re gonna sleep well past midnight consider booking an entire place rather than a shared space. And also mention the late checkout thing. (I didn’t mention this in our first review of his stay as we didn’t want it to be awkward.)Should I click the “would not recommend” option? I mean, if he booked an entire apt I guess it would be fine for the host but I would honestly rather not have him as a guest again if he requested to book again. Get $20 off your first AirBnB stay.

[sevenkookiejars]

“We’re both in the vegetable isle and I just burst into tears while staring at the cabbages” + namjin? 👀

Pairing: NamjinPrompt: “We’re both in the vegetable isle and I just burst into tears while staring at the cabbages” AURating: PGWord Count: 1,726 A/N: I got carried away writing this so for the sake of everyone’s dash, I’ll put half of it under the cut ^~^ (p.s. the cute/fluff stuff is near the end, so read this all the way through!)

This probably isn’t the best idea Seokjin has had but while some people drink away their pain or indulge in retail therapy, grocery shopping has always been the best sort of comfort for him. Which is why Seokjin finds himself welcoming the blast of warmth from the 24-hour hypermart’s interior as he steps through its sliding doors. 

Except it’s past 1am and Seokjin’s probably drank one shitty mix too many and he feels a little less in control with the alcohol running through his system.It isn’t Hoseok’s fault for dragging him out of his apartment to a party though. Seokjin understands, really, because he’s been a moping mess if he says so himself, and Hoseok is one of those people who finds comfort in loud music and bad alcohol.

“It’ll be fun, hyung” was Hoseok’s response to Seokjin’s weak excuse of “I don’t party”. And Seokjin’s grateful for a friend like Hoseok, even if he doesn’t particularly enjoy parties, because Hoseok’s trying to cheer him up and comfort him in the only way he knows how. 

“Who knows, it might be good for you, you know?” Hoseok’s tone was light but Seokjin still caught his meaningful gaze, heavy with concern. He pretended not to have noticed it. 

Hoseok took it upon himself to bring drinks over in the next few hours at Jackson’s place, seating himself down to accompany Seokjin instead of joining the mess of bodies on the makeshift dance floor. Seokjin tried to lose himself in casual conversations with strangers and overbearing music, but three hours in and he’s had enough. 

He convinced Hoseok that he was tired and wanted to catch some rest, insisting that Hoseok stayed on to enjoy the party. Shrugging on a single heavy coat, Seokjin then stepped into the darkness of night to make his way across the wintry streets.

But of course, the mart with its bright lights and toasty heating distracted Seokjin, which is how he ends up inside, a basket in one hand, walking towards the fruit and vegetables section. It’s Grocery Day tomorrow anyway (or today to be exact, since it’s past midnight), and Seokjin figures there’s no harm doing it a little early. 

The familiarity is comforting and at this time, it’s almost void of customers. Seokjin takes his time, steps still a tad sluggish from drinking as much as he did. He picks up bananas first, before moving to select some apples. The fruits look pretty good this winter despite the early chill, and Seokjin’s glad he can keep up with his whole “an apple a day” ritual. Hoseok laughs at him for it but Seokjin’s adamant that it’s what keeps him from catching a cold when the seasons change. 

He’s just picked up two packets of Brussels sprouts and is turning around to see what other vegetables he feels like buying when he sees it. The section with a whole lot of cabbages on display. 

Seokjin freezes. No, not now. He can feel the lump in his throat growing and Seokjin fights to swallow it back down. This isn’t the right time and definitely not the right place for this kind of flashback. 

No, Seokjin tells himself sternly, but his body doesn’t exactly obey his mind with the alcohol running through him, and he feels tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. His vision blurs and Seokjin stands helpless as hot tears flow freely. It’s pathetic how affected he is even after two weeks. He can’t control the tears, so he only hopes that the cashier doesn’t hear him in the quiet of this enclosed space. 

He doesn’t know how long he stands there sobbing as quietly as he can. Maybe it’s a few minutes, or something much longer, but there’s a tap on his shoulder and Seokjin glances up out of reflex. 

“Hey, you alright there?” There’s a boy who looks about Seokjin’s age frowning a little at him in concern. 

Seokjin blinks back at him through swollen eyes, sniffs once, twice, before coming back to his senses. Turning his face away, Seokjin hastily swipes at his eyes before muttering a soft “yeah, sorry”. 

“Here.” The boy extends a pack of tissues into his line of sight and Seokjin hesitates before taking it. “I was passing through this aisle and saw you crying so I figured I’d… you know, see if you’re fine." 

His voice is low and gentle, somewhat comforting in Seokjin’s mess of thoughts and he finds himself calming down a little. Seokjin ducks his head again in apology, not trusting his voice at this point (he might just break down again if he opens his mouth). 

"Hey, you look kind of familiar,” the boy starts again, and Seokjin almost snorts at that despite his teary state. If that’s a pick-up line, it’s probably one of the worst he has heard. Seokjin hazards a glance at the boy to find him staring back, rubbing his neck awkwardly. 

Seokjin’s about to retort with something when the boy’s eyes light up. “Oh! You’re the lead role in last year’s theater production, senior Kim Seokjin?” At Seokjin’s dazed nod, the boy smiles, dimples showing. “My roommate Taehyung has been gushing about how great a senior you are." 

Of course it has to be Kim Taehyung that’s roommates with this guy. Great, so Seokjin possibly just threw his reputation that he’s worked hard to earn down the gutter. Because if Taehyung’s roommate over here spills whatever happened today to Taehyung, half the faculty’s going to know about it by the next week. 

Seokjin holds back the urge to collapse dramatically to the floor (it’s not his fault that he’s a theater major). Instead he lets out an oddly strangled "thank you”. 

The boy, oblivious to Seokjin’s internal struggles, continues with growing excitement evident in his voice. “Taehyung says you’re really good at acting, and that you’re really nice and are always teaching your juniors." 

He’s starting to gesture exaggeratedly, all hesitance lost. Cute, Seokjin thinks, before catching himself, because hold on a second, wasn’t he still sobbing over his ex just a few minutes ago? 

”… and Taehyung also says you’re an amazing at cooking.“ Seokjin stiffens at that, eyes automatically darting back to the cabbages. He can feel the waterworks starting again, even as he wills himself not to cry. 

"Hey,” the boy stops rambling. Somewhere at the back of his mind, an irrational part of Seokjin thinks that he kind of really misses his voice already. A sob escapes his lips and Seokjin tries to muffle it with the sleeve of his coat. There’s a hand on his arm now, touch light and hesitant. “I’m sorry, Seokjin-ssi, I must have said something wrong." 

Seokjin shakes his head in disagreement, taking a shaky breath. Because this boy has been nothing but nice and sweet to a random stranger that is Seokjin (aside from hearing about him through Taehyung). It’s probably nearly 2am now and Taehyung’s roommate was probably just dropping by to grab something. He can very well be in bed sleeping right now if not for Seokjin, and yet here he is. So really, as cliched as it sounds, it’s not him but Seokjin that’s the problem, and Seokjin really should get that out to him to take away that frown of concern on his features. 

But as always, Seokjin and alcohol means that his mind and everything else just don’t cooperate. "My ex broke up with me because he hated my cabbage kimchi,” Seokjin blurts in place of a “I’ll be fine, I’m sorry for taking up your time”. 

The boy blinks once, twice. “I’m sorry to hear that,” he says. 

And Seokjin really should shut up right now, but his mouth decides against it. After all, it’s about food. Food and cooking, and Seokjin without alcohol can’t shut up about that, let alone his mildly inebriated self. “I wanted to surprise him with my kimchi stew but he said it was too bland and horrible and that he hated it. Hated my cooking,” Seokjin says queitly. “I swear I stored the kimchi over the last winter though." 

Seokjin knows he’s whining by now. Hoseok chides him teasingly for it but Seokjin really can’t help it, especially when it’s about his cooking. But now that he’s done it again, Seokjin feels a flush creeping up his neck, embarrassment setting in two paces too late. Belatedly, Seokjin realises that he not only offloaded his sob story on a stranger, but also came out to him. Great job, Seokjin, great job. 

"He doesn’t know how much he’s missing out then.” Seokjin glances up, surprised. The boy’s gaze is on him, steady and calm. 

“What?” Seokjin says. 

“I would never have broken up with you over homemade kimchi,” the boy replies. There’s a beat of silence, before the boy colors, eyes widening at the realization of the implication behind his words. “I-I mean, I uhh, Taehyung says you’re amazing at cooking, I can’t even trust myself with a stove and I only do microwaves so… umm… no, what I meant-”

This time Seokjin cuts him off with a hand around the boy’s wrist. The boy’s ramble trails off and Seokjin smiles the first real one he’s had in two week. As much as Seokjin loved the boy’s calming presence before, he finds this flustered side of him undeniably adorable. God, he’s got it bad this time, and it isn’t even the alcohol thinking, Seokjin is sure.

“I’ve still got some kimchi for stew left,” Seokjin starts. “And my apartment is in the block next door. Care to join me for supper?" 

The boy locks gaze with Seokjin, surprise evident on his face. "You’d cook for me?" 

Seokjin nods, grinning despite the tightness in his cheeks from crying. "Come on, let me grab a few things and we can head back. By the way, I never got your name." 

"Kim Namjoon, sophomore, English major” the boy says. “And you’re saving me from microwavable mac and cheese.” Seokjin laughs at that and Namjoon flashes him a dimpling smile. Seokjin thinks he can definitely get used to a smile like that. 

“Call me hyung,” he replies. “And you’re helping me with my English script in exchange for the free food." 

Seokjin decides then that this grocery run, is maybe the best idea Seokjin has had. 

A/N: This prompt honestly caught my attention when I first looked at the prompt list because it’s kind of funny and cute all at once, so thank you so much annonie for choosing this prompt! (and namjin!! bc awkwardly-cute and kind namjoon is too hard to resist ♡)

Send me a prompt and a bangtan pairing, I’ll write you a short fic ♡

[ponticle]

Coffee Shop - Part 2 (Alistair x Anders - Modern AU)

Before you read this... check out Coffee Shop - Part 1 and the 12 Days of Anderstair challenge. :) 

Summary: After a tumultuous beginning, everything seems like it’s really going to work out for Anders... Rated M: angst and adult topics. Under a cut for length. [Anders’ POV, first person, present tense.]

Six months later (June)

“Love, you're going to be late,” I chide. Alistair is a bear in the morning. He groans and growls until he's finished his first cup of coffee—which he takes blonde, but unsweetened, by the way.

“It's okay… my interns are about to graduate, anyway…” he says. “They don't need me.”

I perch on the edge of the bed and kiss his forehead. “I'm sure that's not true.”

“Can you please come back to bed?” he asks. “Just for ten or fifteen minutes?”

“What do you think you'll actually accomplish in that paltry amount of time?” I smirk.

“I don't know—let's find out,” he snakes a hand around my waist and pulls me back toward him. He's still naked—and beautiful. But I'm already dressed and heading to work for my first client of the day.

“I have to go—see you tonight, Love.” I kiss him again and take off.

We still technically have two apartments, but I barely use mine. I have spent more than half the nights of the last six months in unit 506. Even Pounce thinks we live there. I carry him between homes daily. I'm planning to bring it up—the possibility of cohabitation—but I haven't had the guts. I want to tell him I love him first… I haven’t had the guts to do that either.

On my walk to the train, I look down at my phone. Our group chat is still going strong.

Isabela: how's life is la-la-land, Andy?

Merrill: I think he might be too love drunk to answer

Even Merrill makes fun of me now. I don't mind, though. I have the sexiest boyfriend I can imagine. Nothing can eviscerate my good mood.

Anders: that reminds me, I need your help, guys.

Hawke: what can we do, bud?

Fenris: is this serious?

Anders: I want to move in with Alistair. I'm not sure how to ask him.

Isabela: you guys basically live together already. Why don't you just bring your stuff upstairs tomorrow and be done with it?

Fenris: that is horrible advice.

Anders: I just want him to know that I'm ready to take the next step.

Merrill: ask him to dinner... and while you're there, tell him you love him and you think it's ridiculous that you still pay two rents.

Anders: that's the problem… we haven't said… that.

Fenris: you've been dating for half a year. You're not in love?

Anders: It isn't that. I'm definitely in love with him, we just haven't said it.

Merrill: he definitely loves you.

Hawke: it's obvious.

Isabela: just shout it out the next time you're banging him—that's the easiest time because if it doesn't go well you can blame it on the heat of the moment.

Hawke: you're terrible

Isabela: I know.

I'm laughing when I get onto the train and it carries me through the whole day. Before I know it, I'm reversing my course and heading home. I stop by my apartment to pick up a few things and then proceed to the fifth floor. I'm early. Maybe we'll have time to make dinner together.

I find music blaring into the hallway—it’s that same kind of jazz that Alistair always plays. This isn't unusual; he’s probably cleaning—this is the music that pumps him up to vacuum, apparently.

I'm about to call out for Alistair when I see an unfamiliar coat slung across the back of a chair and a messenger bag next to it on the floor.

I walk into the living room and don't see anyone, but a glint of light makes me look into the loft. Shadows flicker against the wall. I'm not sure why, but I creep up the stairs noiselessly.

Oh god.

Just 5 stairs up, I see it. The love of my life kissing a handsome blonde. I've only seen him twice in my life, but his face is etched into the darkest recesses of my mind—It's fucking Cullen.

I'm completely silent. I turn on my heel and I'm half way back to my apartment before I even realize I'm crying.

I shut the door and bolt it behind me. Pounce comes bounding out to see me. I slide down the wall and end up slumped on the floor. I pick up the phone and call Hawke. I don't even know why he's the one—I just feel like he'll know what to do.

“Hawke?” I sob.

“Hey... buddy, are you okay?” asks Hawke. He sounds horrified.

“Alistair's cheating on me,” I cry. I'm a complete mess. My eyes sting and I can't breathe.

“How do you know?” he asks.

“Because I came home early and caught him kissing his ex… or non-ex… whatever,” I trail off. In my head, I replay our first conversation about Cullen. Alistair said, ‘I used to be in love with him.’ Words he's never said to me. Words he never will, I'm sure.

“Oh my god, Anders,” says Hawke, “I'm so sorry.”

I can hear Merrill in the background, she's asking what is going on—why he looks so pale. He hesitates.

“It's okay, Hawke,” I manage, “you can tell her. I need to go anyway…”

“Anders?” he pauses, “Do you want me to come over?”

“No…” I answer unequivocally. “It's nice of you to offer, though. I'll call you tomorrow.”

I drop the phone at my side and wait. I know it will be about 3 minutes before the group text explodes on my behalf. I can't bare to look at it, though. On some level, this feels like it's my fault. I knew Alistair was a mess when we got together—I knew he was dangerous. He warned me.

“But I love him,” I say to no one.

It's 6pm, but I'm so exhausted I can't stay upright. I drag myself to my bed and crawl under the covers. I haven't slept here in weeks. It doesn't seem like anyone ever did. The sheets don't smell like Alistair, but they don't smell like me either.

Who am I without him?

A few hours later, I wake up hot and uncomfortable. I start stripping off layers of clothes before getting back in bed. I notice my phone is lighting up like crazy and I pick it up. It's almost midnight now. I have six missed calls and 8 texts—they're all from Alistair.

Alistair: hey, babe, just wondering when you're going to be home.

Alistair: hey… did you have a crazy day at work?

Alistair: I ended up coming home early...

Alistair: are you thinking fish or beef?

Alistair: sweetie, it's getting late. Are you ok?

Alistair: I'm starting to get worried—please call… just to let me know you're ok.

Alistair: I tried to call Hawke, but he didn't pick up.

Alistair: what's going on???

Alistair: I'm beginning to freak out. Where are you?

The most recent one was sent just two minutes ago. I’m crying again. I can't seem to stop. My eyes hurt and I want to crawl into a hole and die.

There's a knock at my door. I know who it is before I look, but I creep toward the peephole anyway. Alistair looks really nervous. For a second, I think about opening the door, but I don't.  I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. I shuffle away from the door and go back to bed, burying my head in the pillows. I have never been so thankful I never gave him a key.

The next morning, I can't bring myself to go to work. I reschedule my clients and stay in bed until 1pm. At that point, my anxiety is starting to kick up and I know that the only real remedy that works for me is aerobic exercise. I put on my sneakers and head outside. I pull my hood up in case I see anyone I know—I don't feel like doing pleasant small talk. It’s June, and incredibly stuffy, but that is a small price to pay for anonymity. Before I start running, I get a text from Hawke.

Hawke: dude, Alistair called me a bunch of times last night. I finally talked to him at like 1am. He was really worried.

Anders: what did you tell him?

Hawke: I said I couldn't get in the middle… but I implied that you aren’t dead...

Good. I don't want to see him.

Hawke: but… I think you should tell him you're ok.

Anders: what?? The guy is fucking cheating on me.

Hawke: I'm not saying that you should forgive him… but he might report you as a missing person if you're not careful.

Anders: ok.

I start jogging while I think about what to say. I think about calling, but I don't think I can do it without crying. I decide to text him around the two-mile mark.

Anders: I'm ok. You can stop worrying.

Alistair: holy shit, Anders, I have been going crazy. Where were you??

Anders: I went home.

Alistair: what? What do you mean?

Anders: you know… to the apartment I pay for? The one with my name on the lease.

Alistair: why?

He's such an asshole. I can't believe he's playing dumb like this—he thinks he's gotten away with it.

Anders: this isn't working for me.

Alistair: what???

Anders: we need to break up.

Alistair: what? Why? Anders, please.

Before I even have a chance to type a response, he's calling me.

I answer, annoyance shrouding the lancinating pain I feel. “What?”

“Anders, I don't understand what's going on,” sputters Alistair.

I think he's crying.

“This isn't working. We need to break up,” I say as callously as I can.

“But…” he chokes out a little sob, “Anders, I thought everything was going so well…”

“So did I,” I blurt.

“What?”

“Nothing.” I clear my throat to keep from crying. This is the most painful conversation I've ever had in my life. Worse than breaking up with Karl by a factor of ten. “Just drop off my things outside my door and I'll put them inside later,” I instruct.

“Oh my god, Anders,” he cries, “can't we talk about this??”

“I'm sorry, but we can't,” I say definitively. Why is he this upset? Doesn't he have a supermodel-astronaut to fuck? “Goodbye, Al.” I hang up.

When I get back from my run, Alistair is sitting outside my door—camped out, arms across his chest. His face is tear-worn.

“What are you doing here?” I groan.

He stands, “I'm here to try to get a fucking straight answer out of you.”

That's rich.

“Anders,” he grabs both sides of my face to force me to look at him, “I love you.”

My heart breaks. I have been waiting for him to say that to me for months and now he says it like this??! When I've seen him with someone else?

“What kind of an idiot do you think I am?” I shake my head free.

“What?” He looks horrified.

I bury my fists in my hair and pull, hard enough that it's a little painful. “I can't do this.”

“Why?” he asks. He's desperate.

Because you won't come clean with me. Because you're trying to trick me. Because you never loved me at all—not if you could DO that with someone else.

“I don't love you,” I lie. The words escape through my mouth with a hiss. “I don't see any kind of a future for us. We're done.”

He staggers back against the wall. Tears are streaming down his face now. I silently pray that no one comes down the hallway—they'll think I'm the worst person in the world based on what he looks like. Little do they know it's the other way around.

“Fine…” he manages. He wipes his face on the cuff of his sleeve and turns to walk toward the stairwell. “I'll drop of your things tomorrow…”

“Fine,” I open my door and quickly step behind it. I'm on the verge of losing it and I don't want him to see.

The second the door slams I'm sobbing again—more angrily than ever. My sense of fairness has been assaulted. Why would he continue to pretend when it's so obvious I've caught him? Moreover, why is he sad at all? Why not just run off with Cullen into the sunset?

Then it occurs to me: maybe Cullen didn't want him. He never did before—for a decade. Maybe Alistair lured him to the apartment somehow, told him he's still in love with him and kissed him, only to be rejected.

I laugh a little hysterically. I'm a consolation prize. I always have been.

I pick up the phone to call Hawke, who has called me three times since I last looked.

“Hi,” he says cautiously. “Did you talk to him?”

“Yes,” I manage. I'm still sort of crying, but outrage is helping me hold it together. “I broke up with him.”

“Wow…” Hawke sounds shocked. “So is he getting back together with his ex?”

“How would I know?” I snap.

“Well…” Hawke clears his throat in confusion. “He must have said something about him… if you were angry enough to break up…”

I pause. “He didn't come clean.”

“What do you mean?” asks Hawke. “He denied it?”

I scoff, “No. He wouldn't even bring it up. I told him this wasn't going to work out and all he did was cry.”

“He cried?” Hawke is incredulous.

“Yeah…” I swallow audibly, “sobbed, actually—”

Hawke doesn’t really respond, but I can hear him breathing.

“I really need to get out of here,” I whimper.

“Yeah… Hanged Man?” he offers.

“I’ll leave now,” I hang up.

The train ride to the bar feels interminable. I’ve never been so angry and raw and ruined. I feel like I’ll never recover. When I get there, Fenris and Isabela are already sitting in our corner. Merrill joins them a second later.

“Where’s Hawke?” I ask.

“He just went to take a call,” explains Merrill. “He’ll be right back.”

I slide into our usual booth next to Fenris, who pushes over into Isabela to make space for me.

“So… I’m sure Hawke already told you…” I mumble.

All their faces fall at once, but only Merrill speaks.

“Hawke, we’re just…” she pauses to look at everyone else briefly, “we’re a little concerned that you might have made a rash decision…”

I blink. What the fuck is happening here?

Fenris pipes up, “Anders,” he puts a hand on my shoulder steadyingly, “we’re not saying you’re wrong… and if he did what you think, then we’ll never speak to him again,” he pauses while everyone else nods in agreement. “...but we’ve all come to know Alistair—this just doesn’t sound like him…”

“Well, none of you were there,” I snap. “I saw them.”

“What were they doing, exactly?” asks Isabela.

I’m perturbed that they’re making me relive this, but what else did I expect? I don’t believe it any more than they do.

“I came home and found them upstairs,” I say through clenched teeth, “...and they were sitting on the bed—our bed—kissing.”

“Were they dressed?” asks Isabela.

“Does it matter?” I counter.

“Well, it matters a little, Anders,” says Merrill. “For all you know, Alistair might have pushed him away two seconds after you fled!”

I have considered that already—it’s a tiny ember of hope in the back corner of my mind that I’m afraid to hold onto.

“That sounds more like something Alistair would do,” says Fenris.

I can’t believe everyone’s sticking up for my boyfriend like this. Ex-boyfriend.

“Even still,” I push a hand through my hair and close my eyes. “If he pushed him off or didn’t, why were they there in the first place? How did they end up in the bedroom?”

Everyone shrugs. My heart sinks again. I was actually hoping someone would be able to provide me with a logical explanation.

“We just think you should talk to him…” adds Hawke; he’s over my shoulder suddenly. “And…” he sits next to me, draping an arm around my shoulders, “please don’t be angry, but I called him…”

I turn, horrified, ready to start yelling, when I see Alistair in Hawke’s shadow.

“Can we talk?” asks Alistair. He looks nervous.

I look at each of my friends in turn and take a deep breath. I can feel my face becoming a mask.

“Okay…” I nod. C’mon, Anders… don’t freak out.

Alistair leads me to a smaller booth on the other side of the bar. He has—presumptuously—gotten me a drink. The fact that he knows exactly what I’d order makes me perversely happy, though.

“Hawke explained what happened,” he says.

I look at him blankly.

“...that you saw… and that you were so hurt that you left,” he continues. “I wish I had heard that from you.”

“Well, I wish you weren’t cheating on me, Al.” My voice is alarmingly shrill when I hear it.

He looks wounded. “That’s not what’s happening,” he says.

I raise an eyebrow. Little does he know, I'm rooting for him. I want to be proved wrong. I wish I could think of a plausible explanation.

“Cullen showed up unannounced,” he begins.

I bristle at his name.

“I haven’t spoken to him at all since we’ve been together,” he says. “So I was really surprised… but I let him in.”

I fold my arms across my chest.

“He's moving here—he's gotten a teaching gig at the university…” he explains.

It occurs to me that I have no idea what Cullen does—I made him an astronaut in my mind, remember?

“...and he wants to make amends—wants to straighten things out between us,” Alistair bites his lip. “And I was reluctant. I said I wasn't sure if we could do that… I told him he's bad for me… that you're the only good thing I've ever had in my life.”

I suck in a little gasp.

“But then... he finally admitted that he loves me… after literally years of saying he didn’t… of telling me—and everyone else we know—I was crazy...” explains Alistair. “I tried to throw him out of the apartment… I literally pushed him toward the door…”

Alistair is gesturing now—acting it out as he goes.

“And then… he kissed me… pushed me against the wall and…” he pauses.

I nod, even though I hate where this is going.

“I was completely shocked—and it felt so good to be vindicated… after all this time,” mumbles Alistair.

I feel like crying again. “It sounds like you still love him.”

He shakes his head vehemently. “I don’t.” He reaches across the table and hooks his fingers around my crossed forearms. “I have never loved anyone like I love you.” He lets that sink in, staring at me. “It took him finally giving me what I thought I wanted to realize it.”

“I still don’t understand… why were you upstairs with him?” I bark.

He winces. “It was a mistake, Anders—a huge one.”

“How far did it go?” I ask. I’m dreading the answer.

He bites his bottom lip. “I don’t want to lie to you… some things happened.”

I feel like my throat is closing—I can’t seem to breathe. I lean into the table and rest my face in my palms.

“I need you to leave,” my voice is muffled in the fabric of my sleeve.

“Anders, please,” he orbits the table, coming to sit on my left. “I’m so sorry—it was the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

“It’s just…” I clench my jaw, trying to stay calm. “I won’t be able to trust you again if I have to keep picturing you with him in the back of my mind. We’re ruined.”

“Please,” he wraps his arms around me, “Give me a chance to show you how much I love you—to prove you can trust me again.”

I look up at him and try to blink through a blinding haze of tears.

He takes in a shaky breath, “Move in with me.”

[Thank you for reading! Check out more of my work on Ao3  and come play with me on twitter.]

[twisted-petal]

Death Continued: Part 2

I need to be up in 4 hours, and the only reason why I am even up writing this so late is because my roomie is still gaming and I can’t eVER GET SLEEP. Which is about as much as I will speak of him because what if he finds this or something and I don’t want to deal with shit, I would rather just bottle all this shit up and deal…

There is just so much to say about this lady and everything that happened, but I’ve already dragged on more than anticipated, and I am so freaken sleepy… Gods he chews his fucking food so loud I can hear it through my headphones don’t even get me started on him slurping all his remotely moist food… I also just need to forget it all.

Now… Moving in was a bit strange, and looking back now I should have taken what I first experienced as a million signs: She didn’t have the room cleaned up as she had told me, she didn’t have a key prepared as promised and so took the key from a friend who visited nearly daily, I was told by my partner that she would drink at night and he would catch her dancing in her room, she often didn’t notice him (or me) come in later in the day, and she wouldn’t respond to messages often and would forget plans/times.

Day and night she would blast country music through two radios, and after I got internet hooked up it was 2 radios and YouTube playing Country and Adele…

She would smoke weed all day, then anywhere between 2pm and 6pm she would break out the gallon of whiskey. Didn’t matter who was over (which included children she would watch), she would start dozing off in her seat or shuffle to her room, then wake up between midnight and 3am to make a mess in the kitchen making food. I needed to stay up to be sure she wouldn’t burn the place down… I’ve woken up to smoke from her forgetting food or not paying attention.

I started taking up watching the girl she was “hired” to watch as things got worse. Her father paid me a couple of times because of this. An 8 y/o girl should not have to go to someone to say they found shit in their babysitter’s underwear that was left on the bathroom floor. I despise children, but I will care for them when need be…

Her financial problems were discovered to be caused be her excessive smoking and alcohol addiction. Random people would show up at the house for mini parties, walk in unannounced, throughout the summer she was just leave for a week or more without word to stay with her 20-30 y/o boyfriend and left me to care for her two dogs, cat, and millions of plants, and I had to stop searching for a job because she would have a freak out and her drinking would get worse. I am too nice for my own good.

The agreement was that we weren’t going anywhere until spring. I was not informed until some time after settling in that she was selling the house. This was not the first time I was left in the dark… She was separated from her husband (still married) who lived elsewhere with his bitch of a girlfriend. He owned the house.

As time went on, the move date kept fluctuating and growing ever closer. The father of the girl I would watch over eventually moved in after running into housing trouble, but barely stayed a month as he over heard our “landlady” talking with her husband and head him say that the two of us leaving by the end of the month was too soon.

He found a place close by and was able to move.

Now let’s throw some vague numbers around: Landlady was getting $450 from the both of us (and soon she would be getting rent from another dude that I will bitch about later), $20 whenever she “watched” his daughter (even when he lived with us), her husband paid a couple bills that I forget, as well as gave her a check each month of $500.

That’s roughly $1,500 a month, as well as food stamps (and saving $50 on the internet I paid for, which she needed for her phone). She admitted to only spending a hundred or two on bills, and $30 for her phone. What of the rest of the money? Mysteryy~

[(I done did fuck. Had these in Queue and I was going to rearrange them later, but I forgot and so it’s just going to show up once a day in order how I wrote it. It was a busy-ass day… Yesterday. It’s 1am again. Wanted to proof-read more, though. I suppose this will show up the 3rd day, soooo… Whatever)]

Shortly after the father left, the old shit-stain moved in… Gods I want to just rant about this disgusting, lazy asshole. Obnoxious, overbearing, couldn’t listen,wouldn’t, wouldn’t stop touching me or insulting because he was SOOOOO funny. Fuckin’ hated that unappreciative ass-wipe. Seriously. I gave up my king bed so he didn’t have to sleep on an air mattress at the new place, and he return the favor by complaining it was too big, leaning the king mattress against the wall for a shelf, stacked the two twins that served as the box frame, then set the air mattress on top. I slept in my closet on a pile of blankets and pillows; Granted, I did make it pretty damn comfortable and warm. Still hated him.

Continuing at the first house: I was back with Corey again. Our fights were increasing, and so was his kindness and heart. As well as his demands… He was more accepting and encouraging of who I was, a bit more respectful, but he was also more scarce in his visits. We also had the greatest day ever hiking Table Rock: Taking hours to buy him some damn shorts, running up the trail, his astonishment in the world around him (he hadn’t done anything outdoorsy since he was young, aside from taking his son to the beach or some shit), watching him face his fear of heights and stress at my boldness to stand closer to the edge, rushing from whatever set of eyes he apparently saw and we made our dark decent down (I tried to warn him…), finding a break in the trees just as the largest orange moon we had ever seen emerged from behind a mountain - standing together in complete awe… *ahem* I shouldn’t be reminiscing on such fond times… I shouldn’t be trying to defend the good in him… Maybe I just feel it makes me more an imbecile to not express all that was positive? There is no excuse…

His existence gave me a distraction from the world I was trapped in… We were completely different in so many ways, fought constantly, connected so well, shared special interests, and of course, my bleeding heart held him close.

He was cruel, impatient, full of Italian anger and old-fashioned judgments, and, again, sexually demanding. He often made it seem unintentional, played innocent, and claimed restraint, but I knew what he was trying to do. A part of me wanted to be, well, wanted. At 18 I was taught that the only way I could earn love, the only way someone could love me, is if I pleased my partner. This increases with each partner, as I feel more and more obligated to please them and that is the only reason I exist to them.

I believe my only purpose in life is to serve others in one way or another, and if I have nothing left to give or if I need any little thing at all, I am a complete waste of existence. What makes this worse is that I enjoy seeing people happy; I enjoy knowing that I have help bring a smile to someone, from a lover to a stranger.

He took full advantage of this… More so than any other…

Every Holiday throughout 2016 was ruined because of him, including my birthday, and from July to March the landlady intensified. Save for Halloween… She was a part of this, but he ruined it two days before… In my next post I with paste the vent post I made on my alt FB account that goes into further detail and is also fairly vague. I just went into some detail about Corey here to get it out of the way, and I cut contact with him after I moved.

Recap after side rant: I had nowhere else to go, needed to stay home to help landlady deal with her shit and help keep her from further spiraling while trying to encourage progress in her .ordeals, she kept changing our move month and wouldn’t work with me in actually finding a new place to live or even look on her own, she kept changing which town she wanted to move to which left me without any idea of where I was going to live or where to apply for work, and she wouldn’t even pack her stupid house.

In order to spend my birthday with someone I had to offer to pay for their meal; thankfully, the father from earlier worked where we went to eat and he paid for the drink I ordered. He’s a fairly nice dude, just a complete dweeb. And ho-bag. Bro could learn a thing or two. Find some structure. He’s a bit of a mooch, but he’s not an ass; He’s a fairly caring goat.

The friend I went to lunch with ended up buying us tickets to see the Grumps live in Portland, and we were able to stay a night with my favorite asshole… Gods… He will never leave my heart… Despite everything, he is the one I will never let go of. I hate him so much… My love for him will never die, no matter how far we grow apart, or how many I love after him; We never had the chance to be together (which makes me sound eVEN MORE PATHETIC I KNOW), and it crushes me to know he doesn’t feel as fondly for me. My Puppu… Words…

A few days before we headed up to Portland my friend got into an accident and after mulling some options over, she decided to rent a car for a couple days. I offered to help her out, and she agreed that I help with gas and maybe a part of the payment.

I wasn’t feeling too well from all the anxiety at home and Corey yelling at me again (especially knowing I “used to” share feelings with Puppu. We were barely back together, technically not. Didn’t even tell me he was going to be out of town for my birthday… So much drama…), I wasn’t exactly eating, and the morning after the show I was in excruciating pain, shaking uncontrollably, fairly delirious, and vomitting/dry-heaving.

This was really a bummer after enjoying the Grumps live and… Making out with Puppu in his bed while after my friend fell asleep on the couch. c.c; Just a few smooches…

I miss him so much…

The “friend” who took me to the show made me feel like absolute garbage for making her stay an extra day and call in to work, and spend money on my meds (As Puppy insisted on taking me to the Emergency Clinic). She later wanted me to pay for her rental - or at least a decent portion of it.

([And continued on tomorrow! Maybe I’ll change it to a more frequent update…)]

[mcrmadness]

I still haven’t gone to sleep and it’s already 9am. But I went to sleep at 9am yesterday too so what is new anyway... I also still smell the smell of smoke in my nose and I’m slowly getting used to it even tho I feel like I’m standing in a cloud of smoke and need to get away, but I can’t because there’s actually nothing smelling like that. I googled things and I’m slightly afraid of going to sleep because of the things I can find with google and I have health anxiety. I was already hopeful that it’d be migraine because I read that some people have “phantom smells” as the aura symptom for migraine and I’ve never had that but this odor of smoke is just so strong. I’m also having PMS which makes my nose work differently anyway, cats’ treats smelled like strawberries today. So I was almost cheering up today when I thought I was going to have migraine attack but didn’t have it after all. And this is the first time I actually wish for migraine because I want this phantom smell to be migraine and nothing serious, and I want it gone, and migraine might make it disappear. But this is really making me so exhausted and to have mild sensory overload and sometimes I find it even hard to breathe because my brains think I’m breathing in smoke. (At my parents’ house it smelled like cigarette smoke again, at my home just like burn trash smoke.) But yeah, whenever my health anxiety strikes, I often can’t go to sleep and I try to do something that I could fall asleep meanwhile doing because the moment of falling asleep in darkness and silence feels really distressing and horrible.

Anyway, I was left with very mixed feelings from my today’s dive into my old Tumblr messages (but got maybe like 10 to show up and now it doesn’t show any of them anymore but I also don’t want to use the ‘delete all messages’ because there’s 500 messages, or so it says, I sometimes can be bit of a hoarder). I don’t necessarily like it because, idk, I feel like getting so focused on old messages, posts, blog posts and diary pages yeets me straight into those years and it can be bit difficult for me to again get the hold of the year I’m living right now. At the same time I love the feeling of diving into those memories but at the same time I hate it because they make me sad and feel as if someone died just because those are MEMORIES that are already quite old, and I can’t feel the time, and I dissociate (derealization/depersonalization) a lot on almost a daily basis.

But I’m also feeling like I’ve been with my own thoughts for too long now. Really feeling like I need to talk with _someone. And not just talk TO someone but with, since I already keep writing on Tumblr and whatnot but when I get no responces, no notes, nothing, I just feel so invisible and it feels like being to a therapy without a therapist. Okay I’m sorry, didn’t mean to call my followers/mutuals as therapists, I know it’s wrong and I’ve been told often about how it makes people feel uncomfortable. It’s just so normal to me, I talk about mental health just like people talk about weather. It’s just a topic along with all the others. Anyway, usually I’m my own therapist tho. I haven’t even been to an actual therapy in months because the corona fucked up everything and neurpsychiatric training meeting was canceled which made me to totally forget about the therapy meeting, and my therapist didn’t even call me that day which was why I was starting to have anxiety because I was no longer sure of anything at all. And since then she has tried to call me a few times but I’m always sleeping* when she calls me and my phone is on mute, and I tried to call her back once but she did not answer nor call back in weeks, and on all of the other days I’m just procrastinating and deciding to try calling her back tomorrow or next week. I also often forget that I should all her and when I finally remember that, it’s already so late because I get up super later too. Or I remember it but want to eat and drink my tea first and then I forget about it again.

*I don’t want to answer to phone from sleep because I hate it when people hear from my voice that I was sleeping because I just feel like people are going to judge me and my life choices. Talking of that, I really, really hate meeting my neighbours at any times. And my neighbour was trying to be friendly to me the other day, talking and asking things, I talked normally but I was so happy of the fact I was wearing sunglasses because it’s so easy to escape behind them. Anyway, she asked if I am coming home at nights because I often move around that time and she found it hilarious thought that I get back home an hour before they have to get up. Like, okay, whatever. But seriously. I’ve so often heard about how my sleeping schedule is stupid, how I should “try to sleep at ‘people’s time’“, how I answer the phone and I can hear from the negative tone when they say “so you’re still sleeping...”, well this is mainly how my dad speaks to me about my sleeping habits, that I’ve got this stuck to my mind and whenever I do something “weird”, I’m constantly trying to come up with excuses for why I’m possibly doing that, other than just because I can. I mean, coming at home at night? Like, that is no one’s fucking business but still the fact someone has noticed me doing so makes me feel so bad. I feel like a failure and I feel like I have no proper answer, I told my neighbour that I’m not working but I do sometimes come home very late and I keep moving around in my flat at night too. But I hate that kind of conversation because I feel like if I say that I’m just at home 24/7 and that just is my sleeping schedule, people would judge me.

And I actually don’t hate anything more than when people do not say aloud what they think but when you can read from their face their true opinion. I hate seeing it because it’s just 10 out of 10 cases when I talk with “adults” or the older generation, they will look disappointed when you say you don’t have the regular sleeping schedule (which is something society has decided being the only good one). I just feel so ashamed of it. And I’ve been doing this since I was 15, always at home trying to walk as quietly as possibly so that my parents would not wake up to ask me “are you STILL up???” and I often went to bed right before my dad woke up and I was doing things, reading or writing, and whenever he would move in the living room, I turned off my lights and tried not to make any sounds and pretend sleeping in case he’d notice. He has never been mean, but just the sound of his voice when he so often asked me why aren’t I sleeping yet or have I yet again stayed up the whole night just... I hate that tone in people’s voices. And I’ve been living alone for 5 years and still every time I move here or do something, I imagine my neighbours hearing that and wondering to themselves why is that person still up. And I try to come up with “excuses” that could be true, maybe I was to somewhere, maybe I had long day at work (I don’t work atm), like, who the fuck cares, but still I try to come up with something because I feel like “just for fun” is an answer people will always judge me for. There’s always something wrong with me for wanting to stay up the whole night. Therapists, doctors, everyone always trying to tell how I should fix the sleeping schedule, how 11am is maybe still a liiiiiitle bit too late for getting up, why not e.g. 9am instead? And I’ve so often tried to explain to people what my natural circadian rhythm is and how it keeps moving all the time etc. but people always keep telling me that it’s something we can train our brains to change. But I fucking can’t. I was working for almost 5 years straight and I had to do 7:30 mornings every day (and occassionally 6am mornings) and let me tell you, I never ever felt awake until the clock hit the noon. I was always nearly falling asleep on that chair if I sat there for longer than 15 minutes but when noon happened, I was no longer feeling tired. And I could not go to sleep before midnight or 1am because there just wasn’t enough hours in one day for me to recover from work which is why I used my potential sleeping hours for that. 

And the biggest reason for this annoying me so much is not that I’d hate my own sleeping schedule, I think it’s perfectly fine for me, but the fact that I constantly feel bad for it because if people know, they will judge me and almost always tell me their opinion about it too. And their opinion is often about how I’m faulty and should fix it asap.