#maybe i could like christmas after all
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Life update: trip sucked, legal and financial chaos ensued... Now the dust has settled, the emo squirrels living in my backyard are adorably round and fat, and I'm back in driving this good old meat suit on first person mode again
#the holidays are making me think of red sharks and green elfs#writing this is making me realise I could decorate my appartement with sin instead#maybe i could like christmas after all#i could have drawn something festive but there are too many good farming game around nowadays idk what to say
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Finally in my little gremlin hands. Can't wait to read it tonight!!
#witchy.jpg#mcr#my chemical romance#danger days#the true lives of the fabulous killjoys#this was meant to arrive in like. three weeks#it's like a christmas gift but i had to pay for it#aaaahhhhh i'm so happy#and i feel so lucky for getting it for relatively so cheap too!!#only 25 bucks instead of 45#maybe it could be considered a gift after all
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one last rune for the year end!
zoom in for a surprise
#my oc#rune#this is a redraw of something i drew 11 years ago wowowow#i downloaded paint tool sai to all my computers since its the easiest to load up and doesnt have a license limit fuck you csp#that was mori's christmas? present a year ago. a nice shiny paint tool sai license#it had to be a year ago I think. a little over a year? thats when i realized i could own a sai license after so many years of using it#and it was only like $30 i love you 5000% paint tool sai#do not quote me on the $30 thing. the yen is not strong right now but that's probably still not right#when I was a kid I thought sai was like $50 and maybe it was? but i didnt have money either way so :shrug:#i just checked and it actually was about $35 wowie#rune's supposed to be wearing a mouse animal hat. the original design looked more like a bear though.#it kinda reminds me of a rabite but its at least more mouse-like than before. i based it on an animal hat i own. its an owl#im all over the place but yeah sai was $50 6 years ago and around that price when I was a kid. i just picked the best time#to not want to deal with csp's licensing bullshit on my devices#as for the zoom in for a a surprise: this was his canvas first#and then i drew rune and then i felt bad so i left him in there. since he was there first
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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starting to kind of date someone right before christmas is so stressful fr. do i get him a gift or what we've been on two dates but i'm seeing him tonight n it's christmas eve.....but what if he didn't get me anything then it will be weird.....
#i planned to try to find something small enough that i could easily carry around concealed then take it out if he got something for me#but the thing i got ened up being a bit too big for that lol#im gonna bring a big bag of gifts for all my friends maybe and then it won't be weird idk#by some miracle my mom showed me a bag of emergency gifts for the girlies and i was like cool im taking all of them tonight 😂#which was not what she intended lol#but im gonna do it#if i had time i would have gotten him something different but its good enough#he mentioned a book he hadn't read last night so would have been cool the got him that but its too late its a music hat now#if he even got me anything idk#but he specifically told me he was last minute christmas shopping so idk#i am over analyzing this for sure tho#anyway most unrealistic part of christmas romance movies is they're not anxious wondering whether to gift or not to gift#also im lowkey scared abt new years 😳#not that i wouldn't like to kiss him probably but i already have a hard time looking at him without blushing 😂#so that would make it 10000x worse lmao#also idk if i want to kiss him JUST bc its new years instead of waiting for the right moment to just happen? idk i dont wanna rush things#its not for sure we'll be together at midnight on new years idk what his plans are#but we'll see#anyway things are going well but moving faster than expected 😅#also not 100% sure i'm seeing him tonight and def not tomorrow so that might take the gift pressure off but idk#waiting to hear back abt tonight#😐😐😐#also idk why we waited until we were both on break from work to do stuff bc honestly every time we've met it's been after work hours anyway#however it allows us to stay up later than on work nights which is nice#he didn't leave my house until after 11 last night lol#anyway trying hard not to get swept up in all this while its new but fr im like oh this is what it's supposed to feel like 🥺#never been in love before every relationship i've had was awk and forced was starting to think maybe im just not capable of love#but literally cuddling on the couch watching it's a wonderful life last night i was like hm i'm definitely capable of love actually#not saying im actually there yet but it would be soooo easy to fall for this guy which is p scary actually#esp bc im not sure it would work for other reasons
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everyone get up and make some noise for sirius' vivienne westwood two cowboys with their cocks out shirt!! we're losing our minds over here for sirius' vivienne westwood two cowboys with their cocks out shirt!!
#sorry i uhh. wrote this yesterday and just have not been able to stop thinking about it since so you guys had to see it#google vivienne westwood two cowboys shirt you know the one i mean xx the famous one from SEX xx#unironically this scene went from being kind of difficult to get through to housing my favourite paragraph ive written so far. all because#of sirius black's gay cowboy shirt. also pretentious vaggio reference because well this is remus' pov after all and i have spent#the last few weeks poring over the caravaggio art book i got for christmas i love it sooo much xx#hes done like. 8 john the baptist paintings but theres a few specific ones that really. give me the vibes im going for with sirius' arms xx#he's sooo. well maybe i get it is all im saying#this fic is just. sirius' gay little outfits and descriptions of all the different mugs remus owns and lots of flat kitchens#it is also just. remus having the worst ever time of his life emotionally physically financially and then sirius. sitting next to him#engaging in the sluttiest behaviour you could possibly imagine and having a little smoke#tonight they are in james' kitchen xx he has cooked them all a chicken jalfrezi xx#my fic#snippet#r/s#tsah
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// Happy New Year everyone! I hope this year treats you kindly, that you find fulfillment in the fruit of your efforts and that you feel very loved!
#ooc#apologies for the quiet- I hope you could find some joy this Christmas#if not then may things go much better from now on#I'd like to write something more in-depth but having just finished my last assignment#I immediately found myself caught in the exam-study/big-family-time combo#maybe I'll go more into it in a later post#right now while I'm having a fairly good time I really haven't had a chance to step back and relax or have some me-time#I hope to get right back to writing and other stuff once things have settled down a little (even if not fully)#all I'll say is that despite my shortcomings in the way I engage in hobbies#it's been a good and especially important year for me. Very introspective and revealing#it may be hard but I'm feeling positive about the new year. I've got the tools to look after my mental health and keep up my growth#and I'm extremely fortunate to have people who make it that much easier and more joyful#I'm rooting for you. I don't know your struggles but this year has the potential of things becoming so much better for you#despite any hardships along the way#take care! May we see each other more often soon -u-
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it has been a long week here comes a tag rant
#personal#so on the 20th i get the news that i got full time at work so i officially have a new job#on the 21st i get into a car crash#on the 22nd i sleep and learn yay im not injured#on the 23rd its my last day at work and i receive $1500#that evening my dad decides to start fighting with me again#on the 24th i pack half my apartment up to move and learn that my cars officially totaled#on the 25th its christmas#today i get my rental car and then my stepdad decides to start a fight with me too#tomorrow i pack the rest of my apartment and fight my landlord#day after that i buy a new car. maybe. a dealer will ATTEMPT to sell me a new car.#its been ups and downs yall#i have made. so many phone calls.#and learned that when you tell someone 'yea my car got totaled : (' theyre always very nice and pity you very much#people on the phone get very sympathetic when you say your cars busted#i appreciate it#the sympathy has been nice. very relieving#i just want to rest?? thatd be nice.#i want one day where i do not have to make a phone call#i didnt have any to make on christmas bc it was christmas but i did spend the entire day in a state of stress#thinking about phone calls#so that didnt really count as rest#at least ive got some time off work before i start full time so this is a semi convenient time to be fielding all this#not convenient but like. not as bad as it could be i guess.#sigh#fluffle talks
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#im so fucking stressed out everything is so much. i just feel like i have so much to do#making a small to do list daily helps a little. unfortunately it also reminds me how much shit i need to get done at all times#do i have the time? maybe. but its also all so fucking exhausting i dont feel like i do#im just gonna down this coffee now and get changed and then brave the snowy weather outside. wish i could sleep but i promised to do things#at least its almost christmas. not that all my problems will go away after that but it'll get at least a little easier. i hope#i fucking hate this time of year so much i havent slept properly in like a week ough ;;#night is an absolute mess on main
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actually look at those pieces of seeming red confetti on the floor off the stage platforms (that area of the floor is clear in other pictures i.e. not like a permanent venue design) like maybe bloodsong of love Does throw blood at the audience in the celebratory everybody gathers together in a rush of Song like the christmas extravaganza doing that throwing handfuls of snow at the peak of Baby Please Come Home
#feelin fine (just thinking about this again so like Imagining bloodsong doing this Imagining christmas doing this & getting weepy)#aaaaaa ;;;o;;;#bsol#joe iconis christmas extravaganza#bloodsong of love#jotting down a Q for an And A there#okay flipped through some bsol pics & results are: seeing Red Confetti Around Onstage / On The Floor in other seeming finale pics & either#pre or post show group pics (or i mean what do i know. could've been taken anytime but everyone's there & in costume)#& there are some seeming finale number pics in which there does not appear to be any (yet? i can't say) & pics at any other point do not#show me more red confetti....Except. some is visible on the floor right next to nigh certainly [lo cocodrilo has just been shot]#which speaks to It Is There To Represent Blood which you know. i think has been a safe bet#sheer speculation & my limited knowledge of Stage Magic but confetti in that case might be ''we're near the edge of the stage''#like difficulty having a lot of liquid on hand; say + maybe saving that distinctive b&w shirt from even washable red dye lol#thus Confetti for Cocodrilo blood at that point. definitely know from account that liquid blood effects were used too#plus like that production pic where that's definitely what's being used for cocodrilo killing henchman steve. rip#all these things sure could still fit w/ ''yeah maybe everyone does throw a handful of Blood during the finale song; xmas style''#(not blood during xmas. their handfuls of snow. get a marshmallow right in the face)#i live for that decor that is the Wanted Poster Wall of just everyone in the cast. wanted here....outlaw mp3#anyway i'm gonna say i don't thinnnk it's that likely this is a shared feature after all lmao but Maybe. plus still would be a fun question
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Remember my super cool Mori? My Mori is different from regular Mori. It's like my Mori is in the top percentage of Nagayoshis.
#Fate/Grand Order#fgo#Mori Nagayoshi#I am going to use all of my apples to farm EXP christmas lotto be damned.#I'm gonna have to wait a while since I'm technically short on servant coins.#I could spend more SQ to get one more copy but hitting bond 15 should cover it.#And trust me. I spent a lot of SQ to get to this point.#He's NP 18.#For context: I also got Summer Nobu to NP 6; Okita J Souji to NP 2; Okuni and Lancer Ryoma to NP 1; and my Murder Hobo to NP 19.#And a fucking Ganesha spook.#I stopped on the Okuni banner shortly after getting her since the Ryoma banner was a few days away and I kinda maybe sorta like them.#They're my emotional support straights.#And I'd like to have a chance of getting them.#And I did and I am living in bliss with my Mom v2; Dad v2; and homicidal doggos.#Uhh anyways thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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🕯️ Prayer circle for the mooncat polish I just ordered not to explode in transit or when I get it or while using it or just in general 🕯️
#i keep seeing stuff about bottles breaking and people getting cut by the glass but oh my GOD that siren collection#i need a fucking display… thing. i’m never gonna financially recover from this#stopping biting your nails is all well and fucking good until you get addicted to nail polish and you have expensive tastes#i couldn’t have been into essie or rimmel london could i? nooooo it had to be holo taco#(i can’t say i’m addicted to mooncat til i try it)#i would’ve waited til christmas but my grandma randomly gave me money and i don’t have pressing expenses so why not#i have also kicked the weed habit. i mean kind of. i have edibles on the way but the craving’s gone. it’s the oddest thing#like it’ll be nice to have these edibles but i won’t be ordering more for a While after these. i’m talking like six months or more#i’m gonna be asking everyone for HT and mooncat gift cards for christmas#and rainbow connection maybe. i haven’t tried any of their polishes yet but they donate to good causes and i appreciate that#i just don’t like when my nails are bald lol. they’re getting stained and they’re SO sharp bald#i need like 57 options and i’ll be happy#personal
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it’s finally starting to settle in that christmas is in 3 fucking days
#like. it doesnt even feel like winter#maybe i’m js getting older but last i checked i was counting down the hours and it was getting hard to sleep at night#it was a “its finally cold out! my favorite time of year! we’re off on break! christmas is almost here!”#n now its a “oh right christmas. free stuff”#my parents apparently have something big planned for my 18th this year and i can’t bring myself to even look forward to it?#like. yeah. my fucking eighteenth birthday is in like a week#and the start of a new year is less of a celebration and more of a sigh of relief#its more of a “yippee. another year. at least it’s a fresh start.”#i think this is the 2020 effect#2020 was 4 years ago guys. that is absolutely insane#its not even nostalgia it’s just “wow. okay.”#its like getting punched in the gut yk#2020 was the last year the holidays felt right.#now my whole life feels like a blur and i cannot believe it was four whole years ago#and now we’re entering 2024 with nothing but see you again by tyler the creator and a few loose hopes#the election is this year#maybe things will fix themselves and go back to normal#thats all ive ever wanted since 2020 ended. was for things to just be normal#after the masking mandates were lifted i felt like maybe they could#but im just kinda being rushed through life#and i wish it would just be normal.
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im GOING to write today ........ i WILL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the sky speaks#i havent used twitter in so long and lemme say i missed using tumblr like twitter. just putting my long rambly notes into a single post#anyways onto the rambling#i havent been writing or drawing like at alllll#too busy#also was so sick#but now that i have my new job and i know what my schedule is gonna sorta look like#3 days at joann 2 days cleaning w mom and 2 days nothin#PLUS i dont have to spend money on therapy til after the new year now#and mom is coming home and she seems rly optimistic abt sobriety#im feeling like i can finally create again !!!!#i have 2 creative presents i need to do before christmas#but aside that and 1 prompt still in my inbox (that i rly wanna do anyways) everything else i wanna do is all for Me :)#im kinda put out bc a lot of stuff i wanted to do this fall got shelved.. i wanted to make bday art of kirishima xinyan and kazuha.#i wanted to open comms. but im way too rusty w art rn to be confident doing that. maybe after new years?#god i wanted to come out to my parents properly. the day my mom went to rehab was national coming out day.#it was also one of my last therapy sessions. i came out to her instead#i still managed to do stuff tho. started my new job and got together with friends TWICE !! and i've kept up w doing my moms job alone#idk where im going w this anymore ive lost steam. but yeah. i wanna write today! idk what yet. i hav so many wips i could work on..
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there is no feeling worse in the world than missing your grandma :/
#she died two months before my eighth birthday#and every time i realize i’ve lived well over half my life without her i go a little bit insane bc that just doesn’t feel right#like soooo many of my favorite memories are with her how is it possible she was only in my life for less than eight years#my grandpas on both sides died before i was born so all i’ve ever had is my grandmas#and there’s also the horrible guilt i feel all the time knowing my other grandma is still alive but i rarely ever see her#but when i was a kid she lived an hour and a half away from us and this grandma lived around the corner#so we saw her all the time and every christmas fourth of july etc that whole side of my extended family would all go to her house#she moved into that house when my mom was 2 years old and lived there for the rest of her life so 40 years#and when she went into hospice care her one request was to die in that house surrounded by her kids and grandkids so that’s what happened#my parents bought the house after she died but we lived there for less than 2 years before moving to arizona#they’re both from colorado but they met in arizona and me and my sisters were born here#and the main reason we moved back to colorado in the first place was to be near her#but when we moved again my parents sold the house to our neighbors who had two daughters that my sisters and i grew up with#and they’re still our family friends to this day and we used to go on trips to national parks together every summer#we didn’t see them for maybe five years but then two summers ago their older daughter got married and we went to her wedding#which got us talking about how long it had been since our last trip so we went on another one last summer#this has turned into a tangent but it just makes me so happy that they’re still in our lives#and this great family we’ve known almost my entire life is living in my grandma’s house#she had a pool in her backyard which is super common here in az but not so much in colorado#and she let us invite these girls over all the time to swim so they grew up spending almost as much time in that house as we did#last time we were in colorado we went to have dinner with them and swim and it was like being transported back to my childhood#that house is just so special to me and i felt so blessed to be able to go back there since this family bought it instead of strangers#in a perfect world everything would align in a way that would let me buy it when i’m older and have my own family there#i’ve never had a strong attachment to any other house we’ve lived in but that one will always be my grandma’s house in my mind#i just love and miss her so much she was the most amazing grandma i ever could have asked for#my mom still has a lot of her childhood friends on facebook and whenever she would post pictures of me and my sisters as kids#everyone would comment that i looked exactly like my grandma did when she was a kid and that makes me so so happy#anyway. idk. i just miss her sm she was an angel and i’m so happy she was such a big part of my childhood#lj.txt
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it's interesting to always read about american evangelical protestantism as the reason why so many people base their worldview on the fact that suffering is a moral necessity because... catholicism is the same. I grew up up in a staunchly atheist household but I unwittingly absorbed these same ideas from the ambient noise of default catholicism around me. I may be wrong but I think this is just a christian thing actually
#sidenote i had this discussion last christmas with a friend#that was convinced there were like. aspects of 'traditional beliefs' that were older than catholicism#and so could be thought of separate. I disagreed!#there's nothing about our particular way of living that's not been molded by catholicism#nothing would have survived unscathed after two thousand years of this shit#you can throw a bomb on vatican city (and I will support you) but true change in this aspect#will never come from finding 'roots unmarred by christianity' because I don't think those exist anymore#not speaking about 'all italians' or anything there's many people who aren't catholic#just. you know. the idea that some superstition are 'older' than catholicism (maybe! but they've been absorbed into it seamlessly!)
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