#maybe a shower will fix me

[melanodis]

genuinely why do I always feel left out of friend groups despite literally being invited. i need to eat a sponge

[lordsardine]

.

[iveneverbeenmorestressedinmylife]

Today has been a Very Bad brain day.

[haeva]

I'm feeling super shitty tonight.

[g0nta-g0kuhara]

Daydreaming about making a v3 video essay

[iwakuraz]

.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

tw for op's dangerously irresponsible drinking habits!! i'm a bad example!! i drink the pain away!! don't do this!!

...

so. i just came to after THE most disastrous night. i was hurting. told my friends i needed a drink. purposefully drank way too much, talked about my ex and sex-related traumas to some unifriends, came out as trans to my bff, made it home in one piece god knows how, napped for like an hour with coat and shoes still on and keys still in my hand, then got horribly sick, forced myself to make toast and drink water, got sick again, forced myself to make more toast and drink more water, peed like fifteen times, and woke up like half an hour ago at five something in the morning with toast on the bed? i thought i'd eaten it all? but there is a slice of plain toast on the mattress. phone's battery at 6%, heart coming out of my ass, stomach all fucked up. and my head is fucking killing me. like i don't think i've ever drank this much before. i got home at like 9 pm which means i haven't touched alcohol since 8 and that was over 9 hrs ago. i don't think that my head's still supposed to spin, not after i had water and toast multiple times. i can't even take shit for it because i'm not going to fucking die mixing alcohol and meds. although i think i threw up most of it? anyway. this is like- my new low. unsurprisingly, i'm hurting even more now.

[heartual]

[coridallasmultipass]

It took me, ugh, MONTHS (2), to get to cleaning the two shrimp tanks I have... I had IRL issues going on that would have made it extremely difficult to do a water change especially while injured, and I just had to keep putting it off. It's just shrimp, so it wasn't like, the worst situation, especially since I have established plants and the tanks are a couple years old. There was just a lot of algae build-up on the glass, and, well... Let me just say it was not contributing to my mental health and well-being while the tanks were in that state.

I tested the water before I started cleaning and the parameters were fine (like, I could have left the tanks even longer if I would be okay with selling my soul to the Algae Collective), and the plants and shrimp look fine, too (I mean, I've obviously been keeping an eye on the tanks bc I sit right next to them). Actually, I'd wager to say that the plants are looking really great (the lilies haven't died off [yet? This is the longest period of time I've seen them stay... foliage... fol... foliated? Idk.] and the cryptocoryne in the 10gal is fucking huge and needs to be rearranged, just not right now). That fucking algae was a motherfucker to get off the 10gal (it's a plastic tank and I think that makes the algae grip harder than the glass 5gal).

[Also, fyi, depending on the tank's needs and stability, recommended water changes are a small one every week or every other week. My parameters don't seem to do anything dramatic, so I usually aim for a 20-30% water change every third week (just depends on how much vacuuming needs to be done and how cooperative the shrimp are with moving aside). So 2 months is still a lot. I still did the normal 30% ish amount, since doing more will risk the shrimp's well-being if there's a sudden change in everything, and my water parameters indicated a change was unnecessary - but I don't test for more than the minimum freshwater tests, so there could be a buildup of some mineral I'm not testing for, which is why the change IS actually necessary regardless of what my test kit says - because these tanks were evaporating a lot in summer, it condenses the minerals added with each water addition, even tho I usually top up with R.O. water.]

My back is fucking killing me lol. It has been killing me since spring when it 'went out' for the first time, and I'm not getting any relief, it sucks. But this had to be done.

The 5gal is looking pretty cloudy still, since the filter was super gunked up and I accidentally spilled gunk back in, so I may need to retest the 5gal parameters tomorrow just to make sure I don't have to do another water change, but it'll probably be fine, right? Shrimp love mulm and detritus. I did give both tanks a big ole algae tab for their trouble, tho. (I need a fuckening dish for the big tank. I really wanna clean off that white quartz rock again, but being white means it's an algae magnet, and it's just gonna go green again after a month or two.)

Anyway, shrimp tax:

I lov thees widdle oange bebies.

Wish I could take better pictures rn, but I am. Like. Dying. My recommendation: never live in an A-frame style room if you have the option. The wall above my tanks is slanted, and NOT fun for my back to bend underneath the wall for maintenance. (My only flat wall in the room is for my TV/PC.) Also, treat your back nicely, in general. I unfortunately have not had the option to treat my back nicely since spring (fall now), because 'when it rains it pours,' and heavy shit that needs to be moved will not move itself. Once I get a few more things in my room in order, I will hopefully be done with the IRL chaos, bc I have Halloween socks to knit, and I'm not putting that off for another year. (I'm still mad that I couldn't make the ones I planned last year. And I found more Halloween yarn I forgot I bought, so I'm gonna try to make multiple socks.) And I just really need to fucking chill and knit and stop having panic attacks and meltdowns.

[thompsborn]

i know i’ve said that being able to do the stereotypical insane ao3 authors notes is fun and amusing to me but can the universe NOT take that as a challenge to add more shit to my list of things to add next time i post ???? like. fucking. Calm Down Please.

[wingstobetorn]

Is the reason I'm not getting any inspiration or excitement from anything because I don't leave home nor do I eat three meals a day! Much to think about.

[batshikns]

hey what if i read beast again

[toastsnaffler]

anyway yeah relevant to that post abt being deaf/hoh and ppl excluding u from conversation bc of it (even unintentionally), that's smth that's been really deeply bothering me lately bc there are a few ppl I routinely have to deal with who do it a lot and it Pisses Me The Fuck Off I've lost all patience w them. giving up and calling it ableism and walking out idc anymore 🚶‍♂️

[bylertruther]

moodboard for when u . when. hwen u . sighs. Yhea ❤️

[heartsbreaking-migrated]

i gotta get ready for ballet but we are not letting the brain demons win today! fuck you brain demons!

should you feel so inclined you should send me memes to this blog, @toomagic or @frosthidden cause i have a lot of muse and most of the lil guys are very loud (especially alice and cherie)

[yoiku]

Ordered my bigger groceries for the month and looking at the list and total makes me think that maybe I should start getting into a habit of not using toilet paper anymore. shit's getting expensive as hell, pun intended.