#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled

[eggsistential-basket]

thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way

[yuurivoice]

since you love to write, does your job ever feel like actual work? Kinda like that saying “if you love your job, you’ll never work a day of your life.” Kinda question.

also, how much free time do you normally have?

It felt like actual work from pretty early on. The moment I crossed over from doing it for funsies to sometimes taking commissions I didn't really feel strongly about for money, it was work.

I've had to drag my ass into the booth and record on days when I couldn't even take care of my basic needs because of ADHD struggles, and that sure felt like work.

I've had to write like absolute dogshit and just accept it because I had deadlines and people waiting on me. That felt like work.

I've had to spend hours breaking down different shots needed for visual projects, like a caveman painting on a wall for a renaissance artist to reference. That definitely felt like work.

I've had to deal with community moderation, personal betrayals of trust, harassment, goddamn pr crises, tax nightmares, and shipping hundreds of orders by hand. That was work.

That old cliche of if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life is a crock of shit. But all of that being said, even though it is work, and even though it can be really difficult sometimes?

Wouldn't trade it for the world. There is no other calling for me, my heart is not satisfied if I am not telling stories, and for some reason the universe decided that this was the path forward. I didn't plan on it. I never loved voice acting, but I learned to. I wish there was less bullshit over the years that robbed me of my joy. I wish I wasn't fighting my brain for so much of the time I've been doing this.

But the good will always outweigh the bad.

It's a dream fulfilled. I never needed or wanted to be some sort of massive sensation, or have broad renown or appeal. I didn't need to become a best selling author, or create a hit video game, or do anything like that. I am happy that I've found even a small group of people who love to get lost in my worlds, or spend time with my characters, or hear them get railed in pumpkin patches.

I get to experience the magic of creating something I didn't know was within me. Again and again. Projects like BitterSweet, Shattered, and Echoes of Evalas are precious to me because of the wondrous feeling creating those stories gives me. They could all flop, and I'd do it anyway.

I was creating art when no one was ever there to listen or watch. In that regard, it's never been work. It is a function of my existence. I was made, raised, and shaped to tell stories. It's the one thing I can do. At a table of friends, an audience of hundreds, or on long drives by myself. It's like breathing. It just happens.

Being able to call it work is a privilege. I'm thrilled that I've got the chance to work. I'm happy that I even have the opportunity to have days where I have to push myself. Because it has given me more than I've ever thought it could. I was on food stamps living with family under constant threat of getting kicked out. I was lonely, isolated, and scared of the world. I was considered lazy.

Finding my lane, getting traction, and thriving was something I considered out of reach. I was ready to tap out and accept that I just wasn't quite right for life. Like maybe I just didn't have all the right parts. I was okay with it, even. I was tired.

So yeah. It's work. But I spent a long time desperate to find work I was suited for, and with a lot of recent life changes I've removed many of those points of friction that would make it tough to work. So I'm thrilled.

And that, my friends, is what happens when you ask a professional yapper if they love yapping. 😂

As for free time, it's hard to say. So much of what I do being my own boss and shit, plus creative stuff just constantly churning in my brain, I struggle to clearly define what is and is not "free time". I basically have to be on call. At any given moment something might need my attention, or creativity comes knocking. It's hard to completely disconnect.

I've done a good job of getting into the office about four times a week. That has helped me find some sort of balance, but even recent writing I've done was on my laptop at my little breakfast nook having coffee.

I think the big thing is, I can create my free time whenever I need or want to.

Anywho, this is why you don't open Tumblr when you wake up to pee in the middle of the night because then you spent 30 minutes staring at your phone writing a whole ass essay. I'm gonna go get out of bed and make something awesome now. 💖

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

happy new year everyone!! 🌟✨ it's been almost exactly a year since i first tentatively poked my head into this little space here on tumblr, and being part of the wonderful am/miles/tlsp community here with you all has truly been one of the highlights of my 2023 💗

as i'm sure is the case for most of us, it's been a year of ups and downs for me. i've been lucky enough to experience some amazing things (living in a new city, reconnecting with my creativity, getting my dream job, discovering music that speaks to my soul, making new friends, reading some amazing books) and human enough to experience some less incredible things (chronic pain, family difficulties, discovering my dream job is not in fact my dream job, getting long covid, the ever uphill battle of healing from trauma). through it all, this space has been a continued solace and source of joy, where i've met some truly special people and felt part of a little community where i get to have fun and flail and just be me. i can't even begin to express how grateful i am to be part of a space like this, or how grateful i am to everyone here who makes it what it is ✨

i also just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who has supported me with my writing over this past year, whether that's through kudos or comments or messages or amazing cheerleading/editing help. one of the absolute gifts of discovering this fandom has been the writing fic side of it. maybe it sounds silly, but writing four walls has genuinely been one of the highlights and biggest achievements of my year. writing has always been something incredibly close to my heart, but my degree left me totally sapped of inspiration and confidence, and i'd been struggling for a while to climb out of that after graduating. something about alex and miles just instantly sparked off inspiration in me that i hadn't felt for a long time, and getting to write about them over the past year has reminded me of the sheer joy of creating and the magic of getting to share that with people ✨

it's something that's finally given me the confidence to pick up my own original writing again too, and i couldn't be more grateful to alex and his wonderful lyrics (particularly the entirety of humbug) and to everyone who's supported my fic ventures for helping me reconnect to and explore my creativity. it's the best feeling in the world to finally feel like i'm coming home to that part of myself and carving out a proper space for it in my life 💗

2023 was far from perfect, but it was filled with so many brilliant moments of illumination and i feel i am leaving it with a deeper sense of myself and my path moving forward. i know it's going to be a rocky one at times, but i am excited for what 2024 holds in store for me - and i can't wait to continue flailing with you all over all things milex and to enjoy all the amazing fics/gifsets/posts/art to come!

wishing all of you a year ahead full of wonderful moments and new experiences and fulfilment 💫✨ i really am more grateful than i'll ever be able to adequately express for this space here, and to all the amazing people i've been lucky enough to get to know through it. here's to an amazing 2024 for all of us 💗����🩷💓💖💕💝

(the photos above are just a random little collection of ones over the past year that i particularly associate with the various things i've talked about in this post)

[hotchlove]

Risk - Aaron Hotchner x Reader

• i take requests! plsss dm me or leave them here if u have anything fun you'd like me to write. it can be angst, anytype of trope, smut, etc. • PLZ NOTE: i ONLY do oneshots/blurbs. they differ from long to short depending on the character and story. i do not write series! • risk - 1708 words (I GOT CARRIED AWAY AGAIN.) • desc.: - based on 3x14 "damaged" - angst !!!! - y/n and hotch fighting - happy ending ofc

once again i'm fulfilling my job of breaking hearts!!!!!

• • • • ~ ʚĭɞ ~ • • • • ~ ʚĭɞ ~• • • • ~ ʚĭɞ ~• • • • ~ ʚĭɞ ~ • • • •

you and aaron have been dating for three years now. you're perfect for each other. it's like you were created for each other, yet you met so late in life - but that's never changed anything. you love him and he loves you, and most importantly, you are great with jack. that kid loves you more than his star wars saber collections - and that means something.

aaron and reid got back from the interview they had with the pre-execution serial killer "chester hardwick". chester is a joker, a mischevious and wilfull serial killer - he's always got something up his sleeve and he's quick with it. you didn't worry about the interview - why would you? they're only in there for half an hour, and can get out by one buzzzz of the door - except maybe it didn't go as planned, which you found out by accidentally eavesdropping on spencer's gloating in the kitchen.

"it was terrifying," spencer admits and stirs his coffee. derek and penelope listening intentively to his telling as i walk into the kitchen. reid doesn't notice, his back to the door, but pen and derek definitely do. they shoot spencer sharp looks that scream 'stop talking.' but despite his boy-genius being, he doesn't notice and continues rambling like some gears shifted in his mind that won't let him shut up. "hotch was ready to rumble," he exagerrates. "he took off his jacket and tie and everything, rolled up his sleeves and looked at chester like he was gonna eat him alive." spencer finally looks up and notices the looks derek and penelope shoot him, causing him to shut up immediate effectively. "wha-" he turns around and gulps, seeing me crossarmed right behind him.

"y/n! what a pleasant surpr-" "save it. aaron did what now?" penelopes lips are zip-shut and derek's struggling to hold back a cackle and probably some stupid comment like "oooh- boss man's in trouble."

"well-" spencer laughs awkwardly. "i overexageratted a little." i shake my head. "no, spencer, what did he do?" i ask, expression stern, angry if you squint.

"i don't- i really shouldn't be the one to tell you this." he looks down at his coffee, still stirring it. "fine. i'll ask him. is he in his office?" he gives a small nods. i make my way to aaron's office, quickly waving at emily and jj as i walk past. i can feel their wide eyes digging daggers into my back, but i don't take the time to explain my frantic attitude and just walk. i usually knock, but not this time. i just burst into his office, to which he looks up widely. he was about to scold whoever it was that just burst his doors like that, but smiles as he sees it's me.

usually i'd melt immediately. the hotch smile - a very rare emotion to others - to me, it's a everyday occurence. "honey," he gets up and walks towards me, his hands pressing onto my lower waist. "what's wrong? are you okay? did anything ha-" "you better have a dang good explanation, aaron." i cross my arms and look up at him, eyebrows scrunched. "explanation? for what?" he laughs, "for risking your life at the interview today." he sighs and his head drops. "i told reid not to tell you." "not the point. what's that all about?" i say, moving away from his grip.

"honey," he looks up with a soft expression. don't use your puppy eyes on me right now, hotchner. "i'm fine. not a scratch. see?" he raises his arms in a mock surrender. "yeah well, i'm not. you can't keep doing this - risking your life when it isn't necessary."

"it was hardly a risk," he interrupts. "again, not the point. hardwick killed people with his bare hands in five minutes. imagine what he can do in thirty."

aaron looks at me, confused. "okay, y/n, i'm sorry. you're right. but i'm fine, okay? reid's fine too. nothing happened."

"well it could have. you have people to come home to, aaron." "god, forget me!" i scoff. "think about jack. your son."

aaron sighs. he knows i'm right, but his stubbornness just won't let himself admit it right now. "i said i'm fine. can we just- stop talking about this? i've got paperwork to do." i scrunch my eyebrows. "no, no. we're talking about this. now." aaron leans on his table and his head drops. he places two fingers at the bridge of his nose and pinches it. "it's my job, y/n. you know that."

"i don't recall throwing punches for fun being apart of ur jobs description. i don't care if hardwick threatened you, me or whoever else. you do not engage in danger unless absolutely necessary. and it wasn't this time. you know it." aaron just nods, not wanting to engage in this conversation anymore.

i roll my eyes slighty and sigh again, my arms dropping. "fine. i'm going home - come home when you're ready to grow up, aaron. don't call me." i say and exit his office in a flash, not even looking back. he was gonna go after me, as he always does, but this time- this time we needed some time apart.

--

i unlock the door to mine and aaron's shared apartment as i see jessica sitting on the couch and jack doing some sort of activity on the coffee table. "hey guys," i smile and jessica looks up. "well look what the cat dragged in. aaron still at work?" i nod and take off my coat. "yeah. thanks for watching jack." i give her a smile of dismissal.

"hey- he's my favorite nephew." "he's your only nephew." "exactly." she smiles and gets up, ruffling jacks hair before going to grab her coat and bag. "you guys have fun, see you tomorrow jack-o!" she says and we both wave her off as the apartment door clinks closed. "whatcha doing?" i ask jack and kneel next to him, peeking over his shoulder. "don't look! it's not done yet." he yells and i laugh, moving back in surrender. "alright, alright. i'll get started on dinner then."

i'm cooking noodles and frying some chicken as i feel a little tug on my shirt, "you can look now." jack says and brings up a piece of paper to my face.

it's a drawing of a little boy with golden hair, presumably him, a woman that looks like it could be me.. and a tall man with dark hair and a classic black suit and red tie- aaron.

i smile and kneel down to place a kiss on jacks cheek, "i love it, jack. are you sure you aren't some kind of secret underground artist? this is really good." he laughs with pride and shakes his head. "nope- i don't think so!" he giggles and runs off back to his paper and pens.

i place the drawing on the counter next to the vegetables i just cut up. "is daddy coming home?" "of course, you know he hates missing dinner time. i'm sure he'll be home soon." i think i'm telling myself that more than i am jack.

"alright buddy, dinner's ready." half an hour passes since jack asked about aaron, and still no sign of him. "but daddy isn't here yet." i sigh. "i know, buddy, but he's got a lot of work to do. let's eat and then bedtime, you'll see him tomorrow. promise." jack nods, although i can sense his sadness about not being able to share his chicken spaghetti with his daddy and tell him all about school. he eats fairly fast, faster than me and then rushes towards the bedroom to put on his jammies. by the time i get there he's sitting on the bed, holding his favorite plushy, waiting for me to tuck him in.

"well look at you," i grin. "eager to sleep, huh? long day at school?" he nods and gets under the covers i hold up for him. i tuck him in tightly and press a kiss to his forehead. "get some sleep, 'kay?" the lights switch off and the door locks as i leave his room, walking down the stairs when i notice a figure entering the front door.

"hey," aaron says and drops his bag, hanging his keys on the key holder. "hi. you missed dinner time." he sighs, "i kno-" "and bedtime." i look at my watch - 10:30 P.M. "can we talk?" he asks, making his way to the kitchen where i'm standing washing dishes, trying very hard to avoid his gaze in which i know i'll melt the second i see it. "are you ready to be rational?"

"y/n, i'm really sorry." he says and i sigh, turning off the sink and wiping my hands before turning to him and holding onto the counter behind my back. "i know what i did today wasn't necessary. i'm sorry. forgive me, please." he pleads, and god do i wish i could just run into his arms and kiss his sadness away.

i drop my head, "i hate when you do this, aaron. putting yourself in unnecessary danger. i know your job requires stuff like this- but this time.. this time it wasn't needed." i look up with teary eyes as my voice breaks and aaron's eyes widen. he walks up to me and places his hands on my hips again.

"y/n.. i'm sorry. i know you were scared. i'm sorry." "i was. but i was more scared of having to tell jack his daddy isn't coming home anymore." aaron's expression drops. i can't tell if it's sadness, disappointment or if the thought of that scared the hell out of him.

"jesus, y/n, i'm so sorry." he hugs me and digs his chin into my shoulder. "i'm sorry i put you through that." he shakes his head and i wipe away the tear falling on my cheek.

he pulls away from the hug to look at me and tucks some hair behind my ear, "it won't happen again. i promi- i swear." i nod and he smiles, placing a quick kiss on my lips. "i love you." "i love you too." "do you forgive me?"

"always."

[chuckeroo777]

Dungeon Meshi Volume 13 Part 1

Welcome back! Things are about to reach a breaking point! You know things are crazy when all six chapters of the volume have the same name.

Volume 13's cover is literally just the gang running away from a spoiler, so please accept these cute pictures of baby Marcille from the daydream hours.

A precious image.

Wishes, man. There's always a catch. Whether that be an evil genie, or a perfect unconscious wish, it never goes how you want. This one doesn't even let you say no thanks.

This is such a good fake-out. Now someone grab some zip-ties.

So, is Marcille going to struggle with impulse control for the rest of her life, or did it just eat her desire not to lead an army to the surface?

Sure you will buddy. *proceeds to, in fact, not be careful*

Oh god, if he defeats the demon, we'll be out of a job.

This is cool and all, but what happens to this avatar after the gang goes inside? Does it turn back into monsters? Does it simply vanish? It's totally gone next time we see outside.

There was probably a more literal translation for that onomatopoeia, but damn if that isn't perfect. I also like the detail that Mithrun lost his fake eye.

Happy 8/8 everyone.

Going a little out of order here, since Chapter 87 and Misc tales 13 go together. So, everything seems to indicate that the Demon and magic itself are one and the same. But where do spirits fit into all of this? Are spirits, like, sub-sentient demon bits? Are they micro-organisms that can use magic? Everything in this page sure sounds like gnomish magic to me.

Genuinely curious how the anime will handle these panels.

How? No, seriously, how did the ancients trap the demon? The demon is an entity of unlimited power. Why is it contrained to rules? We know it likes fulfilling desires, but what's stopping it from acting on its own? Why did it need to swap with Laios just to use its power for itself? It's never really explained how the demon came to be constrained. I understand the demon's current rules, but I don't know how we reached this point.

So much world-building in one panel. I don't really get how the demon managed such massive, world sweeping changes though.

The demon is exceptionally awful. It is manipulative, selfish, cruel, and it ultimately takes everything that matters away. But it didn't become that way because of its intrinsic nature. It learned to be evil by watching us.

Seriously, the exit is right there. What is keeping the demon bound to these dungeons?

Yeah, maybe should have figured that out before going right into the lion's den. (haha)

No, see, that's the beauty of Laios' plan. By focusing so hard on plan A, the lion will be completely blindsided by plan B.

I'm sure Falin would think it's cute.

She does her best not to show it... but this is a big moment for Izutsumi. No one has ever trusted her. No one has ever implicitly trusted her with something important like this. And the craziest part? She's actually going to do it. Laios is right to trust her.

One interesting takeaway from this story is the lesson that people are, by their very nature, selfish beings. Yet, we push through, and do the right thing anyway. I'm sure someone smarter than me could articulate it better. Something something, Laios' curse.

I have some thoughts on this panel. Check out my post where I go into it in detail!

I know this is a serious moment, but Laios just looks like a creepy chicken.

Laios failed the vibe check. He looked WAY too cool and professional as he chopped off the lion's head.

Laios doesn't have an evil bone in his body, yet we're getting a Laios villain arc anyway!

Oh no! What are our heroes going to do! Find out next post!

[femmefatalevibe]

Hey

I'm an entrepreneur who's also struggling with major depression and gotten put of long toxic draining jobs and cutting off some toxic relationships. (Context - South Asian) I don't see good female role models around much to emulate either, but I do need to get my act together fast or I'll be left behind.

Can I request you to suggest some things that as a woman I absolutely need to prioritize or get my ducks in a row and succeed in life and work?

I'd really appreciate your advice.

Thank you

Warmly

Sumzy

Hi Sumzy, hope you're doing well/better now <3

It sounds like you've been through a lot and are finally in the process of pursuing the life you want, so I want to offer you a major congratulations on this feat!

Firstly, please try to internalize this sentiment as best as you can (I'm still working on it every day lol): Life is not a race; there's no definitive timeline we need to follow.

You might be behind your own preconceived deadlines but outside of *real* deadlines with consequences like not filing your taxes, paying your bills, work deadlines, taking birth control and related medications, all timelines are fabricated––either in your mind or maybe by your community or society at large. Regardless, it's all one big illusion at the end of the day. We're all winging it day by day, believe me. Baby steps toward getting yourself into a healthy, confident, competent, and happy headspace are the only way to go.

Some simple (yet not necessarily easy) ways to begin going in the direction you want for your life include:

Get basic healthy habits in order (consume healthy, plant-based meals, drink plenty of water, sleep 7-9 hours a night, move your body every day, avoid too much alcohol/processed foods/any hard drugs, etc.)

Consider the things you value in life––genuinely, not just what society wants you to value but the aspects of life that help you feel truly happy, alive, and fulfilled. For example, mine *currently* are freedom, autonomy, competency, beauty (not in a superficial way), and pleasure. Once you figure out what these values are, consider the ways you can mold aspects of your life to align with these values.

Create a loose daily routine for yourself––it can be as simple as a 3-step morning and evening routine with a list of 3 other things you want to accomplish during the day in between.

Find a few self-care/simple life pleasures that you can indulge in daily or weekly. It can be as simple as a great cup of coffee you love or a favorite TV show you watch before bed.

Get yourself a little bit ready every day, even if you have nowhere to be. For me, this means concealer, mascara, filling in my brows, and a matching loungewear set. It takes 5 minutes but helps you feel more ready to conquer the day––even if you're just spending it chilling at home.

Find a creative outlet that brings you joy––I'm so grateful that you're all here following one of mine!

Hope this helps. Sending love xx

[fisheito]

fisheito sama one of the things i love about your art is the way you simplify forms and designs — something i struggle a lot to do so i try to learn with your art to focus more in the full picture than the tiny details that make me go nowhere because i get so lost ar the middle- anyways- if you were a youkai master i would love to be your pupil. your yakumo art makes me see sparkles. youre so cool. i will work hard to be as cool as you are. i would be more than happy to call you my master. my master in the art of making nu carnival art. thank you master 🙇‍♂️

who the heck in my inbox callin me -sama?!?!!?? maybe i am -senpai on my strongest most radiant day. MAYBE.

but yes i feel your sentiment and am very pleased to see you having fun with *gestures vaguely* whatever it is i'm doing here

reading this reminds me of my own struggle with drawing details... long thoughts ahead😦💭💭

every time i draw that angy dissatisfied voice From Within is shaaaaaaaming me going, "this is nuca. you know the art, RIGHT? you've seen the intricacies of the designs. part of its beauty is in its details. if you don't honour that, then how can you REALLY stay true to its spirit????"

and yes the art is HELLA cool and i really like it and it's got insane details that make things even more fun for the analysts in the crowd

even more impressive is the FANART because whOO seeing all these artists matching the skill of the source material?! hobbyists or whatevs drawin these fantastical gayboys in elaborate outfits and poses and everything you could dream of and more?? the anatomy! the colours! the careful attention to EVERYTHING! the hair strands and?? ALL FOR FREE? they are letting me see this for FREE ?????

so i can't help but feel a little inadequacy when i try to pull off the same thing

occasionally i'll try to draw.. idk. something similar to those magneefeecent elaborate fanarts,, or just as detailed as the original game art. ya know, the anime aesthetic really baked in there, but mixed with technical prowess!

i'll draw a pose. i'll try to draw several sections of hair according to actual gravity rules. i'll really focus on what they're wearing, and try to add the details of the shirt and-- oops, i forgot the 12-pointed necklace thing-- just put that in.. oh, shieb,it's connecte d to some sort of cascading sash -=um-- how is that fabric supposed to fold again? better look it up;; WAIT it's not actually fabric? it's ... A BUNCH OF TINY BEADS? what material are they. are they translucent? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REP{LIICATE THAT. p..pointillism? but then i...

[SEVERAL HOURS LATER. FAR MORE HOURS THAN I WOULD USUALLY SPEND] > me, not even finished the torso, slumped on the floor in defeat because every gem on the necklace looks too flat and i've forgotten the original intent of the drawing

sometimes, days later, i'll compare these attempts with my other drawings done in less time (the ones where i don't think too hard and don't bother with the details). and i'll find that i enjoy the simpler result anyway. ya think with all the EFFORT i put into the detailed one... wouldn't i jump thru mental hoops to justify my invested time? shouldn't i think, "oh yeah, i REALLY worked on this. it's not the best but i'm still happy with it. the time was worth it."

.NO???! I end up thinking, "that time was NOT worth it. i feel more fulfillment and joy from the simpler drawing. if i can accomplish that with less effort, why would i bother with the extra stuff?"

i'm no workaholic. lower-effort doesn't necessarily mean bad,..... right? just.. incorporating all those jingly bits and WOWEE TEXTURE WITH THE BEAUTIFUL AMBIENT LIGHTING AND COLOURSs takes a LOT outta me. then, am i willing to put in the extra effort to really improve those areas and make em as nice as those top tier taiwanese artists on THAT section of birdsite?!?! ...... not realy.... it's not... worth it. for me at least.. i'd rather focus on facial expressions . and silly interactions.

(yes of course there are ppl who can do the silly AND the technical moodlighting extreme magnifico detailtastic everything else. MAD RESPECT!!! TO THEM!! FOR WORKING UP TO THAT!!!! but my goal is not so ambitious. i am but here for a laugh...)

so maybe i'm not the best knight for the job, if the job is Dick Fight Island-tier anatomy and environments (seriously if you haven't read that manga , you should. it is wild and truly respectable)!

but for MOI? wittle floppy ME? if i don't draw what i like, i won't have the energy to complete anything. You want me to put that extreme improvement-journey-effort into every drawing?

.Do y'all want aborted torso sketches with 62% of a necklace??? cuz that's how u get aborted torso sketches with 61% of a necklace.

anyway, if i helped you realise that maaaaaaybe you don't wanna focus on certain things in yo art ? and you'd rather put ur energy into an aspect u care about more? sounds good! i hope it leads u to increased-enjoy Creating 😎

[lil-ace]

Gift for @march-flowerr based on a scene in chapter 20 of lay bare the bones of the earth, (hopefully I managed to do it justice!) :

“Count us down,” Tommy instructs Joel, and then chirrups to Justified and takes off before he’s even started counting. Ellie screeches and digs her heels into Curry’s sides, leans over her saddle as her horse leaps forward. “You asshole!” They race across the plains, the distance closing between them till they’re neck to neck. Tommy’s laughing; he’s taken off his hat and has the brim of it clenched between his teeth, both hands woven tight into the reins as he hunches forward. He catches Ellie’s eye and smirks, and she calls him a fucking cheater and surges ahead. The ground flashes beneath her; ahead, the walls of Jackson grow closer, taller. The lupine tickles the side of her face, whipped into a frenzy by the wind. She feels - powerful, connected: to her horse, to her valley, to her people. Her family. She glances over her shoulder. Tommy waves at her, his hat in his hand. He shouts something she can’t hear, but she grins all the same. She beats them all home.

I want to thank March for everything that 'lay bare the bones of the earth' is, and what a lovely ride it's been to follow along for these past few months. Painting this over the weekend was a really emotional and fulfilling experience for me, and I got a lot to say about it, so I'll put it under the read more cut to not clog up people's dashes lol.

Art school genuinely made me lose passion for art. I got so burnt out creatively that I didn't draw for years after art school. Initially I feared I'd lost all my skills with how long I hadn't drawn anything and that anxiety only made me put off picking up a pen for even longer. But as I was slowly getting back into art, my skills were just fine (albeit a bit rusty) but I came to the realization I'd lost something worse: The burning passion to create. Making art was now boring. It didn't feel fun or meaningful like it used to. All of my art felt hollow, because I felt hollow. I had always used art as a means to express myself creatively, emotionally, and you used to be able to see that in my art. Art school ruined that, it turned art into a mechanical chore, something to be nit-picked apart, critiqued and verbally torn to shreds. It made me look down on everything I made as 'not good enough', look at all the flaws and mistakes. I no longer wanted to share my art with people, because I was so convinced that's all they'd see, too. It's something I'm still working on unlearning now.

A large part of getting back into art has been trying to make it feel fun again, which has been a bit of a struggle. So I figured if I can't feel happy just by making art, maybe if I involve my special interest in it (tlou), the joy I feel from engaging with my special interest would maybe rub off on drawing eventually. So I slowly started drawing tlou fanart, just for myself. While I've been in the fandom since the very beginning, I've never really interacted a ton with other people in the fandom, outside of leaving kudos on fics, maybe a comment if I could work up the courage for it (socially anxious autistic person over here). But one of my close friends finally convinced me to make a tumblr, try posting some art and connect with other tlou fans. I've been slowly dipping my toes in tlou tumblr and it's been a lovely experience so far.💖

Tlou fics have always been a great source of comfort for me, and reading lay bare the bones of the earth was such an emotional journey, one that made me cry multiple times (happy tears & sad tears!). But reading chapter 20 was something else. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's been living rent free in my head ever since. March's words painted such a beautiful picture. I just got this image stuck in my mind, of Tommy & Ellie racing through the lupine fields as the sun is setting behind them and I had this burning urge to paint it, a feeling I haven't had in years! Figuring out the composition, picking all the colors, trying to get Curry's Appaloosa spots right, it made me feel all giddy as I could see each step bringing it closer to completion. I feel like I finally got a little taste of the joy I had for art all those years ago. And I wouldn't have gotten to experience that had I not gotten to read lay bare the bones of the earth. I can't thank you enough for that March 🥺 You've created such a wonderful story, the way you portray emotions is so raw, your writing reminds me of a rainy summer's day in the best way. You are such an inspiration and I can't wait to see what you do next!

[queer-crusader]

One of the more difficult things for me in realising I may in fact be autistic, is the facing of old insecurities. I mean, I've been a weird kid who's socially awkward all my life. The signs have always been there. I've been lucky with a caring family that has accommodated for a lot of the struggles I might have faced, which means I didn't really face them head-on and was never really held back that much by them - and thus not very actively aware of them. Yes, my social development was a little different, a little slower. But in the end, I really grew into my own in my college years. I learned how to interact with people more easily, I came out of my shell. Then, after uni, I got a call centre job, and structural communication became so integral to that work that I became almost an expert on how to communicate easily and clearly (maybe more than almost - I'm a coach, now training others in communication, and I'm good at it!). Reading people was something I'd developed in acting class and through my writing skill that I'd worked on over the years, and now I can bring it to much more effective fruition with the training from work. After all those awkward teen years, I finally have a good grade in Communication, something easy to want and possible to achieve!

And then the realisation slips in that I do get socially overwhelmed and need my "crotchety old man in his rocking chair shouting 'get off my lawn'" time to chill by myself. That I crave structure, despite my love of chaos. That I do still say stuff that can be considered weird or awkward, and that I am sometimes unaware of this in the moment, despite my developed ability to read a room and adapt to it. And that the way I was all those years, both as a little kid and a teen, was FULL of signs of autism that I just missed.

And like, all of that is fine. No-one can be perfect at human interaction. But when you're at a point that you feel comfortable in your social skills in a way that makes you feel normal and confident, it almost feels like it's always been that way. You remember being awkward as a teen, but it also feels like you're at a normal point now, and the skills you've developed have come naturally over time. Thus, you must be Normal™ and Good At Social™.

Except... Well. I'm pretty sure I am some flavour of autistic. The skills I've developed have come later than they might for others, and have been hard-fought to gain. I'm okay with not being normal, I'm also fairly sure I have a flavour of ADHD. I get passionate about things others might not, in ways others might not. I get energy from specific things and struggle with menial tasks others do with minimal effort or grumbling. That's cool. I have coping mechanisms that develop all the time. I like being me. Love it, even.

But I was PROUD to be Socially Competent, you know? And I still am socially competent. But now I see the layer beneath the end ("end") result with more clarity. The insecurity about not being socially competent. The rocky foundations. The extensive work to build me up to where I am.

I hated being socially awkward as a kid. I was an outcast, and the people I DID manage to hang out with were even bigger outcasts. I wasn't bullied per se, but I just. Never fit in. Never felt socially fully happy or fulfilled. Not until after secondary school. And that insecurity is still there. The reminder of that awkward time is there in the foundations of the work done to be where I am today.

And now, with my realisation, I'm looking under the hood to find the absolute mess of cables that keep my engine running. It's a less pretty sight than I want it to be. But I've always been a perfectionist who sets unattainable goals for themselves. I cannot fix the mess that makes up the foundation of me, I can only learn to accept it and keep developing and strengthening myself. That is a lifelong project. But I'll get there.

Eventually.

Hopefully.

[georayn]

my perspective around the crippling yet warm loneliness of fallen angels (no spoilers)

一 Fallen Angels (1995), dir. Wong Kar-Wai

defining this movie is a challenging task. but, if I was to sum it up in one sentence, I guess it would be "corny and depressing romance so corny it becomes refreshing".

I remember Fallen Angels as the first movie I've watched when I decided to take the ritual of watching movies more seriously, and it was basically the first film I'd ever seen that doesn't follow the cookie-cutter hollywood format of the hero's journey (I believe that was around 2 years ago). that's why I have such an affection for this movie.

to this day (and maybe until the day I die) I am not a good movie critic, that's why this is not a well-formulated critique in any way lol. so yes, I may be very biased in the way I percieve this film, so because of this I will not get into much detail of its technical aspects or its issues, I will just try to convince you to watch it if you haven't yet :D

˖ ࣪⊹ ִ┈┈┈┈ ♰ ┈┈┈┈ ⊹ ִֶָ𓂅

firstly, I'd like to address an elephant in the room: this is a Wong Kar-Wai film, so it strongly follows his signature style; the surreal and dreamy coloring, jittery camerawork, mind boggling action sequences including the step-frame takes and so much more. but I'm sure you've noticed most of these aspects through other blogs, pinterest boards and tiktok edits, so I want to put more emphasis into his abilities of storytelling and his producing process.

I am not the biggest fan of saying things in the sort of "omg only this director/person could ever create this!", but it is undeniable that WKW's way of thinking is very unconventional. Cristopher Doyle, responsible for a lot of the movie's cinematography (and who is someone that worked with him in many other projects until 2004) says that WKW always tried to look for what the movie had to say, even if discarding parts of the script was necessary. what I admire the most about his work is the way his characters feel alive considering that the flesh of his films are the struggles and "boring" aspects of life. I reeaaally love the way he and his crew are able to make the "disposable" parts of life so interesting. of course, the action and story shifting segments are part of what gives meaning to everything, but the connections between them are what makes all of it worth watching and feeling the characters' emotions.

so, how does the story go? this is actually a tricky question haha. in case you are not familiar, Fallen Angels is directly attached to Chungking Express, another film by Kar-Wai released one year earlier (1994). WKW himself reveals that Chungking Express and Fallen Angels should have been published as one merged movie, but he ended up losing track of the project's length (also, in my opinion, you can watch FA before CE if you want to, it doesn't follow any particular order to me). Here is where his instinct-leading creative process really shines; it may seem impractical, however this project might be the pinacle of his love for cinema, considering it was a project made for "making himself comfortable with making movies again" after a prior not so self-fulfilling project.

"You try to cope with the mass audience, but in fact you are not doing something for them—I would be fighting with myself. I thought, I don’t have to make big films, I can make small films that I can be happy with. I can find my own audience. So I made Chungking Express with a very low budget, and we made the film very quickly, only six weeks from the idea to the edit" 一 Wong Kar-Wai for BOMB magazine, Winter 1998 issue.

considering the whole project, he explains that Chungking Express and Fallen Angels both revolve around the city of Hong Kong, yet in its different sides: the brightly lit and uneventful hustle of the daytime with CE, and the freezing, dark and crippling loneliness of the nighttime through FA.

with that said, in my opinion, neither is "more impactful" or "to be more considered" than the other; as WKW himself said, both are complementary to each other, and even the characters are interchangeable. however, I am here to talk about the rispid and desolating feeling of the "type of loneliness" depicted in Fallen Angels specifically, since it resonates more deeply with me and it might do the same to you if you're looking for big-neon-city anxiety.

一 Fallen Angels (1995), dir. Wong Kar-Wai

now onto the actual story. both movies are divided in 2 "main storylines", contributing to the perspective of interchangeable characters. in Fallen Angels, one of the sides has a more intense dynamic that follows a hitman and his agent, whilst the other follows the wobbly story of a mute man who ends up meeting a heartbroken woman who asks for his help on getting her revenge. this all may seem kind of non-sensical, but I believe that one of the film's most charming features is its ways of making people so unrelated as these characters become so connected and dependant of each other just because of life's randomness yet without making it feel forced.

also, I haven't even mentioned side characters and I think i'd be too dense and maybe annoying to get into the details of their importance (especially if you haven't seen the movie yet), but I guess I could say they are the ones who provoke and question the main ones' morals. here, WKW's characters are the most alive when they feel confused, uncomfortable, alarmed and tired because of the harsh metropolitan life (just like real people). with that, they find themselves in a constant fight with other people's morals and even their own.

this sense of desolation may be depressing at its core, but it also defines the familiar matter between all of these people, bringing a comfort-like yet melancholic sentiment to the situations that unravel; no one is truly right-minded but you always try to consider where they are coming from. they may do fucked up things but they pay the price to life itself.

this melancholy carries the story's events until its very end, and I just love it. of course I'd rather choose that we live in a world where everything is perfect and this comfort found in sadness is unrealistic, but considering the societies we live in, specially in big and poorly planned cities, I find this movie to be a memorable portrait of this misterious feeling of loving desolation.

I wish I was able to get into the details of each character more deeply, but I think that would break the purpose of the "no spoilers" promise I made & I think it's more fun for you to discover them by yourself when watching the film. however, I'd like to say that, even though I feel like everyone in the narrative is able to connect to one another, each one has their singularities, flaws and quirks, which makes the familiarities shared by all the more precious.

therefore, the events and personalities present in this film are incredibly rich and capable of conveying this specific feeling of constant fighting for survival and sanity in such a complex and harsh environment. sometimes the narrative follows the actual outbursts of these causes, but I believe that the true beauty of this movie lies in the moments of hopelessness and fatigue.

˖ ࣪⊹ ִ┈┈┈┈ ♰ ┈┈┈┈ ⊹ ִֶָ𓂅

I wish I was able to spark your interest in watching Fallen Angels! this movie is very meaningful to me and I've been interested in writing about it for some time now! the thing is, this is my very first blog post ever so it might end up being shitty and I just don't know it yet hah... it's okay though, I've been struggling with being able to talk about the things I like just because my brain thinks I can't do it, so I think this is a step forward on fixing this! :)

in case you watch the movie, please leave your thoughts here so you can share your perspective! I really want to know other people's opinions about the things I love, even if you don't like it as much!

thank you for reading, see you!!! <3

References:

Wong Kar-Wai for BOMB magazine, Winter 1998 issue: https://bombmagazine.org/articles/1998/01/01/wong-kar-wai-1/

Cristopher Doyle for IstoÉ, 19/03/2021 (in portuguese): https://istoe.com.br/cinema-pelo-olhar-de-christopher-doyle/

P.S: sorry for any English mistakes! you can correct me if you want, I appreciate the feedback!

[rebelsofshield]

Star Wars: The Bad Batch: "A Different Approach"

With Omega and Crosshair now free of Mount Tantiss, The Bad Batch takes a moment to shine a light on one of its most under explored character dynamics.

With their escape ship damaged and the Empire hot on their tail, Omega, Crosshair, and their newly adopted lurca hound, Batcher, have to rely on their wits and skills to survive and reunite with their former squad. However, Crosshair and Omega approach their predicament with profoundly different skillsets and philosophies and must learn to trust one another if they are to evade Doctor Hemlock's grip.

One of the most intriguing narrative promises that The Bad Batch's season two finale set up was the potential for an Omega/Crosshair team-up. Despite their shared history and family, neither clone has spent much time together free of their imprisonment on Mount Tantiss. In fact, pretty much their entire prior relationship was defined by Crosshair attempting to capture Omega and her brothers for the Empire. Even if Crosshair has now fully forsaken his former masters and is willing to look at Omega as less of a threat and more of a sometimes irritating little sister, the two have never really learned to work alongside one another in any real capacity.

This set up is ultimately what makes Ezra Nachman's script so entertaining and even fulfilling. This is a story that The Bad Batch needed to tell. Even if comparatively little happens in terms of the series' larger narrative arc, viewers deserve to see what kind of dynamic these two very different siblings have when they are forced to work together. And look, I'll always have a soft spot for villains/antagonists that slowly learn to open up and trust other people. Few things bring me more joy than seeing these kinds of character scenarios play out. So yes, "A Different Approach" may not be the most explosive, consequential, or thrilling episode The Bad Batch has produced, but I had a damn good time watching it all the same.

I love seeing Crosshair's frustrations with Omega's tendency for improvised schemes, especially since he'd much rather solve most of his problems with a few strategically placed blaster bolts. I loved even more getting to see Crosshair learn to appreciate his younger sisters very different approach to conflict, but also that there may still be a time and place for his particular set of skills. For a series that struggled so much with establishing character dynamics in its first season, "A Different Approach" showcases a much more narratively and emotionally confident approach to its storytelling.

That all being said, I do think that Omega's (and Crosshair's) reunion with the Hunter and Wrecker maybe comes too soon. Yes, I was undeniably moved and a little teary eyed at Omega and Wrecker's big happy, hug filled meeting at the episode's end, but it does feel like there was potential for more interesting storylines in the dynamics set up here. For all its risk taking, The Bad Batch seems to have a terminal need to return to something resembling its original status quo. Sure, this may be the most shaken up the squad has ever been in the series, but I'd love to see Jennifer Corbett and Brad Rau try and let different character dynamics exist for a bit longer than a few episodes at a time.

Score: B+

[linagram]

[ 𝙸𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚣𝚞 𝚂𝚑𝚞𝚗'𝚜 𝚃𝟹 𝚅𝙳 ] 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝙼𝚞𝚌𝚑, 𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝙻𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎

it's time to judge the second pair! i really like this vd title since it's a reference to shun's first vd.. kinda cool..

just like in aimi's case, i have no idea what verdict shun will get this time. i feel like he still kinda deserves a guilty verdict, but i also think his mv shows him in a much more innocent light so who knows, maybe he'll get forgiven this time!

Warnings for Shun's VD: None

Warnings for Shun's MV: themes of memory loss and dissociation, toxic family dynamics.

(the door opens)

Miki: Um.. 

Miki: Hello, Ishizu-san. How are you feeling?

Shun: ...

Hinode: *whispers* Yeah, I don't think he's feeling well, haha..

Shun: .. You know I can hear you, right?

Shun: My memory is terrible, sure, but my hearing is still fine.

Miki and Hinode: ...

Miki: A-apologies. Let's get started then.

(sounds of Miki and Hinode sitting down)

Miki: So, Ishizu-san.. Um..

Miki: "I-I don't even know what to ask.. How can I even talk to someone who's in a condition as bad as this?"

Miki: *takes a deep breath*

Miki: "It's fine. I had to interrogate Miyagawa-san and Kei-san after they got punished by Eiji-san. It's fine."

Miki: "But really, I thought Hinode-san would be more.. tactful, maybe? Especially considering his own struggles.."

Miki: Again, how are you feeling? Are you getting better?

Shun: .. W-well, I thought I was getting better until I got punished by you two.

Shun: Oh, sorry, that's not the right word.. "Betrayed" fits better than "punished".

Miki: "Betrayed"?

Shun:*laughs* .. Do I have to jog your memory, Guard 002-san?

Shun: You voted me innocent last time. I remember that well.

Shun: I was doing fine. Great even. My memory started to get better. I felt like I could finally.. I don't know.. express myself better? More freely, maybe? 

Shun: It became easier for me to talk to people. I started to feel more confident. I started to feel like maybe I don't need to prove myself to anyone, I don't need to become better, I don't need to pretend like I'm better than I actually am.

Shun: And then.. You took all that away from me.

Shun: And I just want to know.. Why?

Shun: Did I do something wrong?

Miki: .. You were quite happy to find out that you can touch Eiji-san. 

Miki: You even.. threatened him, basically.

Shun: Is that it? Is that the only reason?

Shun: Of course, maybe that's just my brain being weird, but if I remember correctly, you were supposed to judge me based on my crime.

Shun: A-and how can you even compare me simply teasing him and what you did to me-

Miki: And what would you do to him if you got more freedom, Ishizu-san?

Shun: .. Huh?

Miki: If I didn't stop you, what would you do to Eiji-san?

Shun: ...

Miki: Why were you so happy to realize that you can touch him? Were you going to use that to your advantage?

Shun: ...

Miki: That's what I thought.

Miki: And how exactly could we vote you innocent after that? 

Shun: .. You promised you will vote all of us innocent, Guard 002-san. 

Miki: Oh, so you remembered that?

Miki: *sighs* It's a promise that can never be fulfilled. Sorry.

Shun: .. But why would you punish me like that?

Shun: I-I'd be okay with getting beaten up. Or.. I don't know.. You could take my another eye. 

Shun: W-why would you go for my memory? 

Shun: Are you.. N-no way..

Shun: Last time, Eiji-san went for t-that boy's head, and he was the smartest one.. A-and Kei-san was very proud of his looks and body, so Eiji-san left him with all kinds of scars and injuries on his whole body..

Shun: .. N-no.. *stands up*

Hinode: Shun-san, all guilty prisoners got punished in the same way. It's not about you-

Shun: DO YOU THINK I WILL BELIEVE THAT?!

Shun: YOU COULD DO ANYTHING, LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE TO ME, BUT YOU WENT FOR MY BRAIN! 

Shun: AND YOU DID IT RIGHT WHEN I WAS FINALLY RECOVERING! 

Shun: YOU ALL.. YOU ALL ARE MONSTERS!

Shun: I CAN SEE YOU MOVING YOUR ARM-

Shun: ...

Shun: .. I feel kind of dizzy..

(sounds of Shun sitting down)

Miki: "Looks like Hinode-san used the memory machine.."

Miki: "I really didn't want to use them again, but if the guilty prisoners continue to act like this.."

Miki:".. Maybe I should be prepared."

Hinode: Shun-san, do you remember where you are right now?

Shun: .. I-Is this my cell?

Shun: W-wait, what are you two doing here-

Shun: (to Hinode) A-and who are you?

Hinode: Everything is okay. I'm just another guard and we're currently interrogating you.

Hinode: We'll ask a few questions about your crime, if that's alright.

Shun: W-what crime?.. I-I've told you everything I remember about it!

Hinode: Shun-san, do you remember how many people you've killed?

Shun: W-what kind of question is that?! A-and I've already told you that it was only one person!

Shun: I just wanted to protect someone I loved! How many times do I have to repeat it?!

Miki: .. Ishizu-san, if that's okay, can I ask you something about your ex-girlfriend?

Shun: U-uh.. S-sure, I guess.

Miki: Do you remember her name? You've mentioned her so many times, but you've never told us her name.

Hinode: True.. You must remember her name, if you loved her so much, right?

Shun: .. W-well, I don't really care about her anymore, so-

Hinode: If you don't care about her anymore, would you say there was no point in committing your murder?

Shun: O-of course there was! I just wanted to save her from the guy she started to date!

Hinode: But did you manage to win her over after that? 

Shun: ...

Hinode: Do you remember what happened after you murdered her new boyfriend?

Miki: Hold on.. Ishizu-san, didn't you say she was there when you murdered him?

Shun: U-uh.. S-she..

Shun: I-I.. I don't..

Hinode: Please, try to remember it. Your final verdict depends on it.

Shun: S-she.. I think she..

Hinode: Okay, let's try to think about it like this. If she was there, how do you think she would have reacted?

Hinode: Would she be happy that her new boyfriend is gone? Would she be sad? Would she be terrified? 

Shun: .. No idea.

Shun: H-how am I supposed to know all that about her?

Hinode: .. If you had dated her for a while, you would probably know what kind of person she is.

Shun: ...

Shun: .. Haha..

Shun: .. Are you implying that we never were a couple?

Hinode: I don't know. Were you a couple?

Shun: .. I-Inaba Hina. 

Shun: S-she was 21. A university student, psychology major..

Shun: A-also had a part-time job as a babysitter.

Shun: I-I remember typing something like that in my notes app..

Hinode: .. Why would you type something like that there if she was your girlfriend?

Shun: .. Y-you aren't supposed to do that?

Hinode: I'm just curious why you were collecting information about her like that. What was that for? Wouldn't you just know about it if you two were dating?

Shun: .. I-I thought it was a normal thing-

Hinode: Let's think about it like this. Shun-san, you like Eiko-san, right?

Shun: Y-yes! I like her a lot, haha..

Hinode: Have you been trying to find more information about her? Maybe you wrote it down somewhere?

Shun: No?.. She just tells me about it if she wants and I try my best to remember-

Shun:  .. Ahaha..

Shun: I see.. B-but if she-

Shun: ...

Miki: Did you remember something, Ishizu-san-

Shun: .. "Who the hell are you".

Miki: Huh-

Shun: That's.. the only thing I remember her saying.

Shun: I-I can't even remember her calling me by my name.

Shun: N-no.. No, we were a couple, right? She loved me, right?

Shun: Because i-if we weren't..

Shun: .. Haha.. T-there was no point in committing my murder after all..

Shun: ...

Shun: .. Oh.

Miki: Did you remember-

Shun: I did remember something.

Shun: .. If me and.. that person actually weren't a couple and I killed her boyfriend who.. wasn't my rival at all..

Shun: .. She probably would've been really mad at me.

Hinode: I-I can imagine that, haha..

Hinode: So.. What did you do after that?

Shun: .. Probably killed her, honestly.

Miki and Hinode: !

Miki: "HE JUST ADMITTED IT LIKE THAT?!"

Shun: I mean, I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I probably panicked and killed her. Or got mad at her too.

Miki: .. So you admit that you probably had two victims?

Shun: .. I'm just guessing.

Miki: .. Can I ask you why you got so.. focused on love and dating and all that?

Miki: Like.. if she really never was her girlfriend, why would you think-

Shun: Family stuff.

Miki: Huh? What do you mean?

Shun: They.. really wanted me to find someone already.

Hinode: And.. were you interested in "finding someone"?

Shun: .. I think I was. 

Shun: And I think I've already found her.

Shun: I thought Kei-san was also the one, but.. I was wrong.

Shun: B-but even if you two betray me again, I can just rely on Eiko-san for everything.

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Miki: Ishizu-san.. Are you ready for your final verdict?

Shun: .. I just want this to end.

Shun: I want to get out of here. I want to start a new life with Eiko-san.

Shun: I-I really want to make her happy, you know? Like, I-I want us to live together, I want us to get married and everything..

Shun: I even came up with names for our future children recently, haha..

Miki: You did what-

Shun: But Guard 002-san.. 

Shun: (to Hinode) And, uh.. Guard 001-san?

Hinode: T-that's not my number-

Shun: Please, don't betray Eiko-san again, okay?

Shun: Don't take her away from me. I love her. A lot.

Shun: S-so if you punish her again.. Just execute us together or something.. 

Shun: Maybe this way we can die and be reborn together, haha..

Hinode: But Shun-san.. Does Eiko-san love you back? Or is this just another one-sided situation?

Shun: ...

Miki: "You really shouldn't have asked him that, Hinode-san."

Shun: .. So you're not Guard 001-san?.. What's your number then?

Hinode: Ah, I'm the third guard. Nice to meet you.

Shun: .. Oh.

Shun: Then can you please tell me..

Shun: Who is "Eiji-kun"? Is he the first guard?

Miki: *whispering* Hinode-san, don't tell him-

Hinode: That's right! Sanada Eiji-san is the first guard and-

Shun: Oh, so that's who I need to kill!

Miki and Hinode: ...

Shun: Thank you for reminding me! Haha, she just keeps rambling about him.. It's kinda annoying..

Shun: I love her a lot, but I just can't let her ruin our future, you know? I mean, it sounds too perfect for it not to become a reality-

Miki: *whispering* Hinode-san, grab the memory machine.

Miki: Prisoner 003, Shun, quick, sing your sins! 

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[ Shun's Trial 3 MV: ??? ]

The video starts with showing us a fancy-looking dining room in mostly dark shades of red and gold. Shun is having dinner with his parents, however, his parents are dressed up for the occasion meanwhile Shun is still wearing his usual outfit, which means yes, he's wearing an anime girl hoodie. Both of his parents stop to look at him as Shun isn't paying any attention to them and is only looking at his phone. He is also eating with his hands, not looking away from his phone even for a second. His parents look at him with disgust and when Shun notices, he falls down on the floor and doesn't even try to get up. 

"Who are you two? I don't want to remember

All the promises, all the lies like 

"I'll be a good son, I'll be a good husband, I'll be a good father, I'll be a good person"

How can I promise something if I can't even remember my own name?"

As he's lying on the floor, he hears his parents laugh and gets up for a moment and sees that now a different Shun has taken his place. This Shun looks much better than him: he's obviously taking better care of his appearance, he isn't afraid to look his parents in the eyes, he's smiling and laughing and he seems to be much better job at doing social stuff. 

"Who are you? I don't want to remember 

My soul, my memories, my love, my body

My identity, my everything and more

YOU'RE ME"

And then, suddenly, someone else walks into the room and the other Shun stands up and walks over to that person. The original Shun stands up and freezes when he sees who that person is. 

It's Hina, in a beautiful red dress, looking at the other Shun with nothing but love in her eyes. He invites her to dance. She agrees.

"This woman over here, her name is My Love

Or something like that, well, who cares

I just know that I love her

So let us spend the rest of our days together, sharing our joys and sorrows"

Shun's parents look proud as they watch them dance meanwhile the original Shun looks shocked. He drops his phone and the setting changes, it looks like some kind of street and it's dark outside.

Now we can see his phone lying on the ground and someone picking it up. That someone turns out to be Hina and she smiles awkwardly and hands it to him. The original Shun can't stop looking at her, he starts blushing and his hands are visibly sweating. 

"She's the only one who I can trust

She's the only one who can save me 

She's the only one who I can love

She's the only one who I'm allowed to love"

But right when he finally takes the phone, the setting changes again and now he's in his room. He's sitting on his bed, looking like an even bigger mess than before, staring at his phone screen and going through his gallery.

A photo of Hina on a walk. A photo of Hina with her little brother. A photo of Hina with her new boyfriend. A photo of younger Shun. Huh?.. No, that's not right. Another photo of younger Shun in his high school uniform. A photo of younger Shun with his parents. Both his parents have rather serious face expressions meanwhile Shun himself looks uncomfortable and he clearly wants to leave. 

"What's the point in remembering?

What's the point in keeping those memories?

What's the point in me listening to you?

Was I ever supposed to listen to you?"

Shun keeps looking at that photo and images of Hina picking up his phone and him having dinner with his parents start to flash. Shun gets sick of it and he drops his phone again, but this time on purpose, and he breaks it. 

"LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

I don't remember the meaning of this word

Why was I supposed to love? Who was I supposed to love?

Is it even okay for me to love somebody?"

He leaves his room, almost tripping because of all the trash on the floor, and runs to the exit. We can see just how dirty his apartment is while he does so. 

"It's a crime for me to be in love, so I'll play it safe

No more heartbreaks, no more lying to myself

I'm ready to live a happy loveless life 

So please, just forgive me already!"

But right as he opens the door, he ends up in that dining room again. Shun gets scared, but he still walks in. He sees the other Shun talking to someone, smiling and eating, but the original Shun doesn't see his parents anywhere. He walks closer. The other Shun notices him and smiles at him, and when he does so, the original one stops walking and looks at him in horror. 

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Don't steal the love I've earned and worked for

"Who are you?" "I'm you, but better"

But why would someone like you even exist?"

The other Shun still smiles, but now, the screen starts glitching and we can see that it's Hina and her new boyfriend who are sitting next to him. 

"Why can't I remember you? Why do you remember me?

Why do you remember them? I don't remember them

My brain, it hurts, it hurts, hurts so much, what was this song about?

Ah, I think I remember"

Except, when the screen glitches again, we can see Hina and her boyfriend's headless bodies sitting next to the other Shun and the other Shun is still smiling with lots of blood on his lips. 

"Your original sin was consuming all this love and leaving me with nothing

My original sin was being born a loser not worthy of love"

The screen glitches for the last time. Everything goes black. There's a message on the screen.

"Do you accept that you're nothing but a failure and your life is worthless?

- Yes

- Yes"

The cursor doesn't click on anything. The screen starts shaking and we can hear Shun taking a breath. The message disappears. The video ends.

[linane-art]

Public Service Announcement

Yes, I'm back! Missed me? :D

I don't know where to start, really. My last year of travels was both an incredible, life-changing, empowering, unforgettable experience, and the hardest, most challenging thing I have ever done (and probably will ever do) in my life.

In the space of a year I have visited 11 countries: New Zealand, Fiji, Australia, New Caledonia, Japan, South Korea, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Poland and Greece. Everywhere I went, I have always tried not to be a tourist, but live like a local, stay with the local people and have as many experiences as I could possibly grab a hold of.

I close my eyes and I can re-trace the exact route from Cashmere to the city centre of Christchurch, or I can still taste the Kava drink, or I remember exactly where to put my feet on the ascent to Yunomine Onsen via the Kumano Kodo Pilgrim Trail, or I can tell what Sumatran elephant skin feels like under my fingers, or which of the rice fields around Ubud offer best views without too many tourists.

I got to do everything I ever wanted, fulfilled every dream I ever had and then some, met some amazing people that will stay with me for the rest of my life, and frequently did 8 absolutely impossible things before breakfast. I travelled on local busses, bought my veggies from local bazars, had local supermarket loyalty cards, dealt with visas, made friends with people who didn't speak a word of English... It kinda made me fearless and unstoppable. I've also struggled with depression, seriously questioned my life's choices, missed home insanely, been to paradise and hated it at times, doubted myself, and had a real reality check on what's important to me. And I regret none of it.

How do you pick up the pieces of your life after something like that?

The good news is that my love for this fandom has never left or diminished, and in fact it often provided to be a source of great comfort to me. I wrote stories in my head during my walks, I re-read some excellent old fics, I took Fili and Kili with me to some seriously remote places.

But I think the fandom has changed during my absence. And I have changed too. So as I sit down and re-think how I wanna indulge in my love of FiKi, here's what I've got:

I am seriously attached to three of my Verses (and have been focussing on them for a while), which I'd love to continue with: Silence, Isca and Postcards. There will be more posted, when I'm ready with it. Watch this space. Subscribe, maybe?

I have been writing mainly for myself for a number of years now and I can and I will continue to do so. But it's alwas a delight when someone else comes on a journey with you, so I'll continue posting publically.

GF is my Happy Place and I have missed it hugely, especailly as it hadn't continued to function as I hoped it would during my absence. I want to come back to tending that garden, as it's important to me. And I might take part in some events again, if the gods smile at me again, which will mean any and all verses will be considered.

I can't imagine in what possible universe I would have the time for drawing again. Having said that, I am sitting on some unpublished and unfinished artwork, some of it in collabs, and I know I can be stubborn enough to force their completion. Something to think about.

What else? I guess that's it. How have everyone been? What's new? WHO's new? Did I miss anything important? Come and say hi - I'm always happy to chatter.

[darishima]

What do you like about Midari? I rarely find people who love the show :D

ohh boy that's hard to answer... is it a copout if i say everything? it probably is so i'm gonna try to pin down all the reasons why. sorry it'll probably be long and a bit rambley 😭 thank you so so much for asking though i have been WAITING for the opportunity to talk about midari

*tw for discussion of self harm, suicidal thoughts, and general mental illness (obviously, cause this is midari we're talking about)*

first of all, i think a lot of it is because i heavily relate to her. the feeling of never being fulfilled or truly happy and turning to pain and suicide as the apparent answer... it really hits home, and back when i watched kakegurui for the first time (in 2019) i'd never really seen any other piece of media that talked about it so openly.

that, specifically, is one of the things i find most interesting about her- the fact that (prior to meeting kirari and losing her eye) she'd never been "truly happy." and the fact that (self-inflicted) pain (or the risk of pain/death, specifically) is what finally made her feel something is so deeply sad. i feel like a lot of people brush her off as a "crazy yandere" or whatever, which is frustrating because she's so much more than that (and even her ""yandere"" side, the way she feels about yumeko, is just because she wants yumeko to kill her; it's not the typical yandere portrayal, like yuno gasai or the like, because it's not driven by romantic interest- at least, not fully). she's clearly struggling (the bandages she wears on her arms seem much too convenient to be there for any reason other than covering self harm scars/injuries), but she still has such a confident and "gives-no-fucks" attitude that i find genuinely admirable. she's really smart (she's a amazing gambler, has good grades, and i've always gotten the impression that she could easily be the top of her class, maybe even rival sayaka, if she ever bothered to study), very perceptive (as shown when she immediately saw through yumemi's idol façade and sayaka's intelligence), and also genuinely caring, like when she saves ayame nureba from suicide in the kakegurui midari manga (granted, she does it in a distinctly midari-esque way, but she still saves her life).

a lesser seen side of her, though, is that she's actually kind of... a adorable weirdo? it's most often shown in kakkokari (a manga spinoff of kakegurui that not many people have read, because it's never gotten an official english release/translation). like, she refers to animals with the -san honorific (except giraffes, she doesn't like giraffes),

cleans up trash around the school,

knows yumemi's songs by heart,

orders cutesy dishes at a coffee shop,

and when she gets 3rd place in a "which student council member do you want to be your girlfriend" competition, she's surprised and embarrassed (i'd vote for her in a heartbeat btw)

she's just so skrunkly yknow?? and there's dozens more moments like this from kakkokari, like when she wears a kigurumi hoodie like runa's, or when she gets hiccups and convinces kirari to choke her, or when she turns out to be surprisingly worried about how other people perceive her, and asks sayaka to teach her how to fix her "vulgarity" (and then gets told by kirari that she seems "normal," and immediately holds her gun to her head lmao).

TLDR; she's someone who is struggling a lot, and has been for years, but still manages to be smart, perceptive, confident, and kind. the issues she has with her mental health are things i've struggled with too, and really relate to (i'm a midari kin, after all), and god i just want to give her a hug so bad. and she's also adorable and goofy and weird in all the best ways, and she means the world to me <3

sorry that was SO long lmao... i had to omit a lot of character analysis from kakegurui midari (a manga spin off about her pre-canon, in which she has a girlfriend) but i hope i answered your question well enough!! thank you for asking, and giving me an excuse to ramble about midari :))

[basicallyahedgehog]

Hi!

This is going to seem random but I promise it’s about your writing!! I’m pretty new to realizing I’m Ace (like very new) and I’m struggling with coming to terms with it, and with being really afraid of being alone my whole life, and like actually really grieving thinking I was just a picky bisexual (until listening to other people talk about attraction and realizing that is not my experience). And just generally having a pretty hard time.

But I just wanted to tell you that your fic ‘A Little Bit of You’ was so good. Like the beginning part of Harry not understanding that he’s flirting but just very casually affectionate is literally my life. (A part of my life that I have found baffling because doesn’t everyone want to hold their friends’ hands or play with their friends’ hair??? How is that flirting???) I literally started crying when I read that, I felt so seen and validated. Also just like the very real fear of never being loved, of being alone forever, of always being simultaneously too much and not enough. It’s like you took my whole entire heart and put it into a fic. And then you handed my fears the hope that for someone, doing life together is enough; making food together, snuggling on the sofa, getting to travel and adventure 🥹🥹😭😭😭

Anyway. Please pardon my rambling. It’s just that I’ve been really afraid and sad lately, and for a couple of minutes it felt like maybe everything will be okay. Thanks for sharing your writing. 💕

Hi Nonnie.

First off, congratulations on discovering this part of yourself! I know it feels huge and scary but I'm so so happy that you know yourself a little bit better now.

I'm so, so, so glad that my fic helped you, even just a little bit. Fanfic - specifically drarry fanfic - is where I first came across asexuality as a concept, let alone realising that I'm ace. So this feels full circle in a really beautiful way. If you haven't already, I'd encourage you to check out the fics linked in these lists. So many of them were instrumental to me discovering, accepting and feeling comfortable in my own aceness, and any I've read more recently always feel like a warm, affirming hug.

Harry in this is fairly heavily based on my own experiences. The amount of times I've been accused of flirting - and also was apparently being flirted with! (Can we normalise physical affection between platonic friends? Please???).

I promise, that someday, everything will be okay. I can't tell you what that is going to look like, but I truly believe that one day you will look back on this time and smile knowing just how far you've come. Whether that future includes a partner or not, you will be happy and have fulfilling relationships. Because being ace does not take away our capacity to love or be loved - it just looks different.

I didn't know I was ace until more than four years into my marriage. I figured out my demiromanticism even later than that. But those two facts about me don't change the fact that I have a husband whom I love - in my own, Rowan way - and who buys me light up keyboards and makes sure I have enough blankets and huffs when I hog the sheets.

Anyway, this has been a ramble of my own! But thank you so so much for reading my little fic, and for reaching out (I will treasure your words forever). If you ever feel comfortable, my DMs are always open (to you, and to everyone else).

But more than anything, Nonnie, I want you to know that you are valid and loved exactly as you are.

[glngrbred]

Here's a legit hot take I am gay, and trans, And I highly doubt I was "Born this way"

so here's the context I always felt completely separate from the community around me, being school, mainly because i was undiagnosed Autistic (was born like that). Throughout my whole life I was ostracized by my peers, and made to feel different weather teachers or students meant to or not. When I went to middle school, I had already decided in my head that I was attracted to men, Because I found out about porn and was sort of afraid of women's bodies (i'll get to that). At the time, That middle school had developed a problem with children pressuring each other to identify as something, and there was a general fixation on sex (cuz its middle school) So, at the time I identified as Asexual, because my peers accepted that. Also because i didn't know how to feel/how i felt about attraction. On the attraction thing, I started googling stuff about atraction, because I wanted to figure mine out, Im like 90% sure me looking up gay porn and straight porn in my own time shaped my attraction. I disliked straight porn because they were mean to the women in it, and also i didnt understand women's bodies, and I liked gay porn because it seemed like everyone was having fun, also i liked the penises in both. And then i started liking jAking*off. to gay p0rn Part of my discovery of my Identity with being gay was just one day deciding that I would have more fun Identifying as a gay guy than I would a straight guy. And eventually I decided that I would come out the next time my brother was homophobic, to try and get him to stop being so crass. It worked.

On the trans Side of things, I was getting sort of bored of always being called a boy, and I envied the way people respected my trans friend's gender, witch is obviously a trans-coded thought process, and I realized that If someone told me that, I would think they were trans, so I'm trans now., So one day I just decided that having a pussy would be fucking sick, and then i effectively started socially transitioning.

Suddenly, My family Identified with me being Gay, and eventually Nonbinary, and since I use any pronouns they never struggle with my identity, and I'm just in a new box compared to everyone in my family, Hooray! now their perception of me fits my own!

My point is, If i had not been socially ostracized and made to feel different, I would not have Identified with being different. and sure Maybe one day I would've figured out I was queer in some way, If I even cared, Cuz ima be honest, If it wasn't against my identity and awkward in that way I'd be fine *Dating* women. And honestly, My life story In the AU where people were nice to me is significantly nicer and less anxiety inducing, so i wouldn't have felt the need to change my social position in order to fit other people's needs and fulfil my own social needs.

If any of that made you think I'm not really gay or trans, newsflash, I don't give a fuck, cuz i use she/her pronouns and it makes me happy, and I think men are hot, and that makes me happy. I'm happier as the weird social slop I fit myself into, over weird kid everyone bullies, and also people treat me significantly better now that i have an

✨✨Identity✨✨

Wild right? anyways I truly think that part being queer is just a social role/decision, and for me personally, that narrative fits :)