#maybe I’m too naive

[newpathpride]

(Please don't hate on me - I come in peace. This has been in my drafts for two months, but I think it needs to be said.)

I am an outspoken liberal atheist - but I really dislike the broad, sweeping statements about all Christian conservatives or even all self-identified Republicans that I've been seeing on here.

Here’s the distinction:

Several years ago, my aging, religious, conservative parents took a hard look at the state of the Republican Party that they were quite literally raised in and were like “WTF, this is NOT how good Christians behave…”. Did they resign themselves to going along with it?

NO! They made their displeasure known. My parents who still identify as Republican because they always have and voted red their entire adult lives, voted blue in the last two elections! They work valiantly to educate their own very elderly parents who are hooked by the fear-mongering. They are not sitting idly by while ‘their’ party actively unravels decades of progress for women, queer people, and minorities.

And that is the difference.

I grant that there are likely many among the Christian conservatives, especially the wealthy and influential, whose intentions are purely evil, but let’s not forget the regular people who can be educated, who can be enlightened. People in general prefer the path of least resistance, the one they’ve always traveled… but so many would be willing to diverge from that path if they really understood the broad impact of the politics that they mindlessly vote for because they’ve been taught to fear the alternative. It’s too bad it took Trump and a bunch of repressive new laws to open their eyes, but among the conservative masses, enlightenment is quietly happening. Let’s keep it going instead of instituting an insurmountable wedge by demonizing every single one of them. We weren’t all born into environments where we felt allowed to question the status quo.

Why did my parents start questioning? Well, maybe because their queer, atheist children were willing to patiently educate them. Or maybe because their liberal Congregationalist minister allowed open discussion of these issues and pointed out the hypocrisy inherent in many religious arguments without alienating his congregants by scolding them for having ever believed it at all. Obviously, not all can be reached in this manner - some are just too far gone. But if there’s any chance, I’ll work with that.

[misc-obeyme]

yo ngl the price of the dating feature (… in a dating game……….) pissed me off so much i might just cancel my vip subscription lmaoo i truly have no issues spending money for this game actually (even tho i probably should lol) but this just takes the fucking cake 😭😭😭 (i won’t actually cancel because i do like the perks but damn solmare… not even mammon would never treat me with such greed 😔)

I mean yeah it’s totally crazy lol.

I’m very particular about how I spend money on this game just because yo I have bills to pay too lol.

I was already annoyed about the old outfits from OG being offered in NB for dp. I was like I refused to buy any of them… except Satan’s yokai outfit because it’s my favorite 😭

But then they wanna charge that amount for whatever this is? Some forgettable content that likely won’t be all that good anyway?

Here’s what bothers me about their methods when it comes to spending real money. An app like this should charge money to either speed up the process of unlocking content or give you more chances of obtaining content (such as in the gacha). In both cases, f2p still has a CHANCE of getting that content. But when it’s something where you don’t even have a chance? It’s either spend money or too bad? The occasional charge events I could look past. But this feels like too much.

I dunno it’s not like I couldn’t afford the $30. But what about people who can’t? That’s what bothers me the most about it.

[midnighttangerine]

I can’t be the only one who believed him on the first watch.

[arcticmist0324]

One thing that is difficult about writing historical fiction is when you’ve set your story up in the same time frame as major historical events, which you KNOW would be on your characters’ radar yet they don’t impact the plot. What is too much? What is too little?

[singhallelujahh]

Today’s vibe is The Oh Hello’s Zephyrus we are stubbornly keeping hope we are fixing what we can and saving the people who aren’t lost yet we are believing if we can change then other people can too the wheel of time moves on and after the winter comes the spring etc etc

[thriftdyke]

.

[vampire-nyx]

I always feel like strangely embarrassed when I earnestly like and use and identify with a term other people really seriously hate, like oh no. Am I doing self identification wrong

[faerygardenparty]

Maybe this makes me an asshole or something but I get really annoyed when other asexuals act like being asexual inherently means you know nothing about sex or kink or things like that, like as an asexual who isn’t uncomfortable with these topics I get really annoyed when people act like their personal lack of knowledge or care for sex is a universal thing for all asexuals

[swordmaid]

just got the durge reveal..!!! screamnnn it’s saur good when you actually have a durge specific character and not just an au of the char you previously made lol. anyway I’m just imagining yves admitting that she’s one of bhaal’s children and then her going like oh btw I was his bride too 🧍‍♀️

[stormcloudsandshadows]

Having so many thoughts about papyrus and how the fandom at large doesn’t get him. If you even care

[wyvernne]

help i just saw the tags on one of your rbs about the springvale fairy and i feel so valid cause??

i was so put off after they revealed that it was a deadass CHILD when they first met? like did everyone watch the same cutscene or? i saw nobody talking about it so i thought i was going crazy 😭😭

no DEADASS i’ve only seen people talking about how sweet it is but my immediate reaction was “what the fuck 😭”

i skimmed the original story again and while it says she’s “naive” to human emotions/ways i’m not convinced she was a child herself?? maybe i’m missing where that’s implied. and she KISSED him when he was a child after he confessed his love??? goodbye

[noicevibes]

Went into another manhwa blind and once more, I regret it.

[fingertipsmp3]

Fuck the diet for like a week at least and fuck sobriety also, I’ve decided

[shizukahaiji]

Despite my fear of saying this publicly and upsetting people because I know it’s a fan favorite ship. It really really baffles me that out of EVERY SINGLE 18TRIP SHIP OUT THERE that TenRen is the most popular because it’s like… Not only are Renga and Liguang cosmically intertwined, they have a very fun JuBan adjacent dynamic and it’s very clear that despite everything Liguang is still fond of Renga/Ren as is (and then if you throw Kiba into the mix there is a LOT of fun interesting things to do there) but like. I literally love toxic yaoi as much as the next guy I’m a Blue Lock fan I love KaiNess still to this day but guys. TenRen is not fun. It’s not cute it’s actually very upsetting watching Ten use Renga’s oblivious and easy to trust nature to manipulate him. It’s really obvious Ten thinks Renga’s a dumbass, that he views him as easy to manipulate and take advantage of and sees him as less than human and it’s really? Sad??? Like guys this isn’t cute this isn’t romantic he is INSANELY ableist to Renga and it’s actually heartbreaking to read. And yet THIS is the ship people love the most? I don’t know

[fr0gg13b413]

for the first time, i actually want to tell you something, let you in on my life.

not for the burn but for the warmth, because i love you and i want you in my life.

but you are one of the people who light the fire burning in that house. and you don’t love me enough to look past your own opinions. you don’t love me enough to put down the matches.

you don’t love me enough.

so i have to plan around the burning home. i plan an escape route, and check all the fire alarms. i fill water buckets and leave all the windows unlocked. i make sure i’m prepared for the flames, for every scenario.

becuase otherwise i will choke on the smoke that used to keep me warm.

you love me but it’s not enough and it never will be. that’s the tragedy.

[jjk4isen]

ꗃ 𝐎𝐍𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐏 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐃, 𝐓𝐖𝐎 𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐏𝐒 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 .

❝ answer me. did you think of her when you're in bed with me? when you're kissing me and holding me— was she the one on your mind? ❞

summary: it's hard knowing you aren't really the person in toji's heart but loving him was something you still did regardless. as for toji, he thinks he's ready to give you his all.

desc: 2.8k words, f!reader (referred to as ‘mama’), canon compliant i think, takes place after mamaguro's death and before toji’s, age gap (early 20s reader, early 30s toji), baby gumi ahhhhh, sfw, angst to fluff to angst again lol, intended lowercase, think you're tsumiki’s mom but without tsumiki bc the relations would be too complicated and also the second wife erasure in the canon storyline?? yeah it's reserved specifically for this fic, not proof read i fear but pls read it's really interesting i can swear by it lmaoqhdhns

dating a widowed man with a son wasn't easy especially when the said man is still in love with his former wife, or rather, his wife who had died.

love is often beautiful but sometimes it's unfair. it can also be cruel. what other reason would make you still stay despite knowing you'll never measure upto the person who had been here before you?

and you've heard stories about her. she was sweet, so beautiful— not just in her appearance but her entire being was beautiful. there always was an ache in your heart upon just the mention of her name.

so how much more would it have ached for toji?

“mama” the spiky haired boy, barely two years old calls you and you realise the silence in the room. “not mama, i’m nana okay?” sick.

nana. not mama but close enough. it doesn't matter anyway, n and m are just letters and next to each other so how much difference would that make? you're the one that's here after all, are you not?

if there's a lump in your throat and your eyes are burning with unshed tears, you force yourself to ignore.

“okay nana” megumi nuzzles his face into your chest, slowly drifting away to sleep. the boy always liked cuddling with you and it melts your heart immensely.

your hands strand through his dark hair. people always said he's the carbon copy of his dad but you'd like to differ. megumi has his mother's eyes and his hair resembled hers more than it did his dad's.

the thought sends another ache in your chest but you push it away– as you always have.

you recall the last time toji had heard megumi call you “mama”. you had never seen toji that livid. he was never a gentle man to begin with but that night, there was nothing else you've been more scared of.

was he like that to his wife? maybe not.

does that matter though? it's not like toji treats you badly. he's decent and loves you an enough amount. you weren't crazy enough to stay when you're not wanted so that must mean you were something to him right?

you also recall the whispers of pity and condemnation thrown at you for just being with toji. him being a brute is one thing but the difference in age is what people seem to have a problem with. you're so much younger than him and have your whole life ahead of you so why are you entrapping yourself this way?

you disagree though. love doesn't know any age and you definitely aren't naive to be head over heels over a guy just because he's relatively older. no, this was real and genuine.

a faint knock disrupts your train of thoughts. “he sleepin’?” toji nods towards the small boy in your arms and you nod back in return.

taking care not to wake the sleeping kid, you slowly pry his hands away from you and pull over a blanket to cover his small body.

when you make your way towards toji, he wastes no time in pulling you closer “missed you” he mumbles, placing a kiss onto your forehead and suddenly all thoughts plaguing your mind disappears. that's all you could ask for, even if it was just for a moment.

“i missed you more” you whisper back, he only huffs out an amused chuckle.

“got bad news though” a frown finds itself on his lips, decorated by a single scar next to it.

“did you lose all your money again?” toji was a gambling addict, another thing you forced yourself to tolerate just for him.

“sorry, doll. thought i’d win this time” he rubs small circles on your back comfortingly and it makes you a bit uneasy to know that he has his way with you so easily.

“it's alright. i’ll just find another part time job”

“so good to me” toji pulls you into his chest and you let out a sigh— of exhaustion? relief? you couldn't really tell but that's not important, toji had you in his arms.

“i’ll try and think of something too. don't worry your pretty little head too much” he lifts you up with ease. while you're in his arms, you feel the safest.

toji really felt bad this time. he was confident he would win but that stupid horse had to trip and lose its lead, ending up last of all places. he knows luck never favoured him but that's didn't stop him from trying again and again and again.

he also knows how you didn't say anything more than necessary about it but he isn't that much of an idiot either. he sees how your expression falters and your shoulders slump a little more when he comes home with another news of his gambling loss.

this is also why he tries, or rather, tried to quit — one too many times, unbeknownst to you. however, old habits die hard and most of the time (everytime) toji gives into his urge and loses yet again. the cycle keeps happening.

maybe this isn't just about gambling.

with the way you're asleep so soundly next to him after putting his son to sleep and taking care of him too, he is overcomed with yet another feeling to be better for you and megumi alike.

toji isn't a gentle man; everyone knows that, you do too — even more than anybody else but he can't help the familiar pool of warm feelings surging through him the longer he stares at your peaceful state.

he remembers the last time he felt it, with another person. it felt like a lifetime ago.

he also remembers how painful it was when he lost it — the person, the feeling altogether. his hands that were making their way to caress your face stops mid air.

toji knows you deserve so much better. you've been nothing but patient to him, so amazing, so perfect to him. still, he just can't do it yet, just not yet.

he will eventually, he hopes you stay until then.

toji wakes up to an empty bed and his heart sinks a little but the creases and wrinkles on the sheets serve as a reminder that you were really here.

he makes his way towards the kitchen, only finding megumi sitting on a chair next to the dining table.

“hey kid, where's your mama?”

toji freezes. it came out so naturally he didn't realise he said it himself and almost thinks he didn't but megumi's wide eyes prove that he actually did.

“m…mama?” megumi says hesitantly and toji nods this time. “yes, your mama”.

“potty potty!” megumi points to the bathroom and giggles, toji follows suit. the man crouches to his son's eye level and pats his head.

“you love your mama, kid?” toji sees megumi's eyes sparkle as the boy nods enthusiastically “very very much!!”

“yeah? i love your mama too.”

toji smiles to himself, he can't wait to tell that to you.

the next time toji got his pay, he finds himself hesitating. instead of heading towards the race tracks, his feet takes him to a jewellery store.

instead of picking out a slot and testing his luck, he picks out a ring. it's not fancy by any means but he thinks it would be the most beautiful band of metal to exist if it slides into your ring finger.

the tiny ring carries all the heavy feelings he has for you.

──

it was one particular evening when you saw an old man lingering by the front gate. its particular because the warm sunset and the soft cool breeze contrasted the ground breaking truth you find out.

“can i help you?” you ask the old man who looks at you up and down, not making an attempt to hide his distaste of your sight.

“is this where toji zenin lives?” he stares down at you with his scrutinising gaze; it makes you feel small.

“zenin?” you ask, confused. is he referring to toji? but his last name is fushiguro is it not?

“yes toji zenin. i heard he has a son as well. you're not the mother are you?”

is it that obvious? you wonder how the old man figured it out. regardless, you're not about to give him his answers so you stood your ground.

“i’m sorry i don't know what you're talking about.” you turn around, about to head inside when his words make you stop short.

“are you fushiguro?”

that's toji’s last name isn't it? not zenin or whatever he called it. so why is he asking you that? is he implying that you're married to toji?

“no. you have the wrong person.”

“why? did he say not to get involved with anyone from his clan?” the old man draws closer, chucking to himself. you're just there unmoving, trying to comprehend the situation and the words coming from his mouth.

“or did he not tell you that either? did he tell you anything at all?” he stands tall in front of you, tearing away bits of yourself with every word he says.

“when he returns, tell him the clan wants to propose him an offer. you can do that much at least won't you?”

…

and when toji comes home that night with the ring cluched tightly in his fist and inside the pocket of his white pants, the world stills.

he finds you in a state he has never seen you before. you look completely and utterly defeated.

“hey, what's wrong?” his hands come to caress your face so effortlessly, the ring and prior nervousness long forgotten.

“talk to me what's going on?” he looks around and the house seems emptier than usual. your laundry that were usually hanging with his were gone.

your small trinkets you placed around the house to “make it more lively” were nowhere to be found.

and there's a bag in the corner of the room which toji prays and hopes he isn't what he thinks it is.

your hands push away his own that were cupping your face. you're not even looking at him.

“say something damn it!”

you flinch and toji takes a step back. he recalls the last time you trembled in fear — when he got mad megumi called you his mom. he punishes himself for it.

“im sorry. please talk to me.” he isn't touching you now but he wants to. he wants to reach out and pull you close, as he always had done. but now there's an unbearable silence and the small distance between you both felt like lightyears away.

“who's zenin” your voice was meek, barely a whisper but toji's eyes widen. how did you find out about that?

no fuck that, he was supposed to be the one telling you. in his own time.

“i can explain” was all that came out of him. he's nervous, he doesn't know where to start. there's a lot of information to unpack and he's not sure how to do it without hurting you too much.

when he doesn't elaborate, you ask another “who's fushiguro then?” your voice falters a bit and toji curses himself for it.

but he's done running away and keeping things from you. “my… my late wife” he says wryly.

your eyes close and a shaky breath leaves your body, as if he just confirmed your worst suspicions. damn life is so funny isn't it? everything you thought you knew apparently wasn't what it seemed to be after all.

opening them again, your vision blurs and you realise tears were escaping your eyes. fuck you didn't want to cry now of all times but they won't stop.

and the way toji was looking at you, it makes you want to throw up.

“i must've been so stupid to you” you let out a humourless chuckle. “did you pretend im her?”

your gaze was sharp and so were your words. maybe all your bottled up feelings were resurfacing. it doesn't make you feel better about it but that doesn't stop you though.

“answer me. did you think of her when you're in bed with me? when you're kissing me and when you're holding me, was she the one on your mind??” your voice was loud now. you should be afraid of waking up megumi who you cradled to sleep just a few hours ago but no, your thoughts are too clouded right now.

toji sighs. he has no excuse.

“i used to” he actually looks ashamed as if he wasn't the one who did it purely out of his will.

your scoff makes him wince “but not anymore.”

his words fall on deaf ears “you know… i knew you did. but i stayed regardless because i thought there would be a chance that maybe one day, you could open up your heart to me. im not even asking for all of it, just a little… i thought you'd let me in.”

you're blabbering and honestly, so distraught.

“but not a moment was there when it was me isn't it? it was always her in the first place.”

now toji should have said something, anything but he stays there planted in place. and maybe that was your breaking point.

you turn around, grabbing your bag and brushing past him towards the door. instead of holding onto you and stopping you, toji clutches the small box containing the ring — your ring in his pocket, almost crushing it in the process, as he hears the door slam.

you think it's funny how toji did not reach out after what happened. it's poetic even. very fitting of him, till the very end, he did not give two shits about you.

so then, why were you back here?

it's been four long years since the trajectory of your life changed. you still don't know if it was for the better or for the worse.

saying it has been hard would be an understatement. it took you a long time just to get back onto your own feet but you did it regardless. however, you left a part of you here long ago and now, you're here to take it back.

that and you missed megumi dearly. perhaps it was an excuse too because you won't deny a part of you still missed toji, despite everything that happened.

standing a few feet away from the place you used to call home, you hesitate.

maybe this was a bad idea. oh this was definitely a bad idea. you'll see them, and then what? what comes after that?

closure? don't make yourself laugh. you’ll just be reminded of how you couldn't be that person for toji— how you'll always come second. and what if they moved?? there's no reason they'd still be here right?

forget this, you don't need to do this. why must you still be the one who put effort? to reach out? four long years passed and still no news means they clearly moved on... right?

you were convinced enough and was about to go back when you saw little megumi carrying a backpack on his back, seemingly coming home from school.

your feet wouldn't move and your eyes wouldn't blink. he grew up so well.

the world pauses as your gaze follows the kid you used to consider your own, now as good as a stranger.

“do you know that kid?” a voice at your back makes you whip your head around. life really is full of surprises and this time, the surprise was in the form of a tall man, no a tall kid with white hair, looking at you curiously through his round tinted glasses.

“... no i don't” well you weren't exactly lying. you don't know the megumi you see now. perhaps if he asked whether you raised him since he was a baby till he was two, then your answer would've been different.

“oh okay” the boy shrugs. “poor guy though”

“why? whats up with him?” you turn to look at megumi again who was minding his business walking home and your heart aches a little.

“I'm here to recruit him. his dad died you see so he's–”

“wait what was that??”

“his dad. he's dead” the amused boy in front of you chuckles and you stare at him, horrified.

“what happened to him?” your voice was shaky and doesn't sound like your own. he leans down to meet your eye level and smirks “why? i thought you don't know that kid. why does that matter to you?”

your stomach churns as you stare at him, not even knowing what to say— the smug expression on his face only widens.

“so you do know him.”

'know' would be a weak word to use when it comes to toji. you knew of his habits, the simple things he does and also of the more complex ones — like the exact place his scar decorated his lips and how it felt to kiss it.

then again, you don't really know anything about him and maybe you never will.

and maybe that's really, the closure you needed.