#mayb later IDK I THINK I SHOULD TAKE A BREAK IM HAVING TOO MUCH FUN | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kijosakka · 9 months ago

Text

more,,,, character dynamics save me,, save me character dyanmics (WHY IS ITHIS SO LONG)

idk how clear it was but this is less a canon-self-indulgent-noah-centric rewrite thing and more an exploration of how to write a character in This Specific Way and how that itself affects canon rather than how the wanted changes to canon affect the characters?? idk

now while i havent thought too hard about the rest of canon i do imagine post-london one of those challenges is an elimination of someone that skews the gender ratio of the cast, strictly because im imagining noah takes owens role and gets paired with blaineley — and he hates her. and the sentiment is shared. she cannot fucking stand him and he would rather jump into the falls willingly than even risk getting blaineley immunity.

^ something something comedic potential but it is also to the effect of showing how noah doesnt play to win, but plays instead to benefit his own goals — small change, but it makes the difference

umm canon events are again so very lost on me but character dynamics are fun!!! alejandro and him are on rocky footing since london and wary of one another — alejandro believes noah doesnt trust him, which he doesnt, but its less of an ‘avoid you at all costs’ distrust and more of a ‘poking the sleeping bear’ kindof deal where if noah were to find out about how he feels, he would further use it to pry about the person underneath. alejandro is naturally curious about noah because of his limited screentime yet apparently ability to play, which is what drew him to being friendly pre-london, even more so than the rest of the team, but his interest is set to the side while he focuses on figuring out his motivations (in a rushing, jump to conclusions manner hes way more hurt than he should be) (smth smth maybe noah finds out and criticizes his getting too emotional when Playing and finds that alejandros reaction to that, while real, really upsets him?? smth smth character arc),, noah realizes later with no small amount of horror that he himself is entangling his person in the emotions of his character, and would likely try to distance himself and have a little moment of inward frustration when the intrigue does not quell with it,, so instead he tries to Ignore. (spoilers it doesnt work)

tyler is Tyler, noah doesnt really have any major opinions of him, he does heavily heavily criticize him for falling into the group of people who had relationships on the show, which he sees as bad and stupid, and he doesnt feel sympathy for his plight of trying to get lindsay to remember him. sortof similarly tyler sees him as standoffish and brash and openly dislikes his cold interactions with everyone and his unwillingness to make proper friends and connections. tyler sees how total drama as a show affects relationships as just part of it, and further than that worth it, whereas noah (initially) views it as more trouble than it could ever be worth

duncan is also in the group of people who got into relationships on the show, which immediately sours noahs perception of him (and their first meeting not really being on good footing, and the tddddi special,,,) which turns into real personal dislike after the gwen/duncan thing happens; not only did he not have the decency to properly break up or even just talk things out with his girlfriend, but then he went and cheated on her in the confessional. to noah, its intentionally crossing the line of separated characters and the person — duncan the character is ruining the relationship of duncan and courtney the real people, and that makes him genuinely angry (smth a development of how hes usually just irritated that no one else separates the two like he does). duncan doesnt think much of anything of noah, just sees him again as standoffish and rude, but also someone fairly easy to push around? in the sense that he sees him as passive and come something like sweden does not expect the pushback that comes partially from noahs dislike of him and partially just to be contrary (i would imagine that despite this noah gives him the same advice as courtney to the effect of ‘do not give a public reaction’, but is more motivated by knowing that duncan will likely ignore that and is content to watch it blow up in his face while he sits back and says i told you so)

(im saving owen and izzy for later okok) team amazon :0!!! gwen was someone noah had a neutral to positive opinion of, mainly coming from sympathy with heather, again, pulling real life into the characters lives (a sentiment which idk if you can tell he shares about basically the whole cast) but it is soured with her relationships. however its a little different when by s2 it becomes apart of the character and is no longer crossing those two lines — which he does pity, in some distant sense, but ultimately accepts as a facet of the character moreso than the person. come post-london it becomes more neutral-negative because again, its a facet of her character in the show no matter how unfortunate that is, but when he sees how she feels genuine and personal regret he gives her the same advice as duncan and courtney: do not show a reaction, do not give anyone anything to look for in this situation. unlike duncan, she actually follows this (smth smth while courtney does not like her rn she does see how gwen cares enough about the situation to go out of her way to make it unpalatable to the viewers). pre wt simply because of their vastly different circles, gwen didnt know enough about noah to have too many thoughts, but come post london she really appreciates his separation of character and person and generally ends off with a pretty positive opinion of him (and similarly noah can appreciate how she actually took his advice and furthermore liked his little separations)

cody and noah,,, umm do not interact much? maybe the awakeathon didnt happen, but then again maybe it did and it is like a sore point of vulnerability for noah and his 'always aware' thing he has going on (and also hes so aware of how the press will eat him alive for it) and it could also foil sierras character changes bc her appreciation for the characters (noahs onscreen character as a focal point) goes beyond her personal liking of cody (parallels/inverses of her and noah??) umm cody is maybe a little scared/wary of noah?? his demeanor is simply offputting to him,, noah not so much pities him but has a distant sense of such because of codys behavior seeming like hes constantly unaware of the cameras and has no qualms about how it might be embarrassing to the larger public (noahs respect does rise immensely when he punches duncan though),, ultimately codys opinion and how it changes is kiiind of secondary/tied in with sierra and her ramblings?? since theyre often close by and because of sierras changes i want to imagine they get to be friends as People (which again, while noah finds mostly fruitless he does have to give sierra and cody to an extent props for separating the two)

courtney!! again, shes someone who had a relationship on the show which initially made noah dislike her -- but come action she did, at least in his eyes, put her character and position on the show before her relationship. that was a little squashed with the whole 'lawyer contract' thing she gave duncan, which coudlve been a relationship as characters, but it become obvious very soon after that courtney really wasnt aware of the distinction and neither was duncan. and because of it, much like gwen, the courtney/duncan thing became just parts of their characters and tainted what they could have had as people. come post-london, courtney (while having generally thought of him as a slacker/'loser' of the game based on his dodgeball performance) does respect and appreciate greatly that he told her immediately, and even more so that he tries to keep the situation from being exploitable as the plot point its become. similarly noah appreciates how she understands the distinction, and they leave off on good footing even beyond the game (smth character arcs, shes the parallel to alejandro and how he can infact have relationships not spurred on by cold interest)

heather is interesting (mostly bc i interpret canon how i want and this is my little brainworm),, as i imagine it here she, in island, played the social game and crossed the lines of character and person (esp with gwen), but had a sense of awareness while doing so -- and kind of like noah, while she didnt expect hugs, she expected wayyy less animosity than she got when arriving at the playa. to her, its a game, and for the chance of the money why shouldnt she play it as best as she knows how?? < noah respects this -- she plays the game well, separates character and person, and appeals to the producers need for conflict within the show itself. does he think shes mean and vain and insufferable to be around? yes. does he respect and give props to her for her own play style? also yes. (smth,, mention his thoughts on the whole lindsay thing,, he regards it with a disconnect of like 'well why didnt she expect that' thing,, umm foil with one of his own relationships??) heather thinks not very greatly of noah at first tbh, she sees his intelligence as usable and doesnt understand why he wouldnt take advantage of whats around him (but also 'if he doesnt use what he has then obviously he doesnt want this prize bad enough??' smth vague there) come world tour when she figures out noah knows what alejandro is Like, she waits for him to do something. and waits. and waits. and ---- then sierra goes on her whole spiel and she rethinks his character in the show, and has her own little realization that he has been playing the game, using means to a wayy different end. (potential heather&noah teaming?? since noah has noticed how heather seeing through him bothers him in a very different way than anything else [poor oblivious noah he cant see thats what caused alejandros shift in demeanor towards him :Sad:] and she reasons that he isnt really playing for the money anyway

ah sierra,, reality tv obsessed, superfan of total drama,, as someone who was an outsider looking in and who also understands and is fascinated by this in universe idea of panopticon, she gets it more than anything the distinction between character and person. heather the character is mean and bossy and pushy, but maybe the heather the person is toned down. cody the character is the one shes obsessed with, but cody the person might be too different, so maybe she should just stay obsessed with the character (smth smth the dyamic between cody and sierra also changing uhhh,,, also awakeathon?? maybe its a 'since they were sleeping it was cody and noah the people and not their characters so her animosity is just Not There??),, even further than that chris the character is no one to be admired and doing so will earn her no favours, but chris the person is an absolute mogul of entertainment (ty world weary) who she'll forever admire. < contrasted to how in canon she reprimanded heather for being 'mega new' and not understanding a meta-ish reason for why a certain team would lose, she very much understands and likes how noah separates the two and plays as such (imagining a scene where the two of them are on the save wavelength about the behind the scenes reason something happens and the rest of the cast is just Looking On). noah definitely finds her information on the casts personal lives offputting and creepy, but at least can give her (hysteric) props for knowing intimately the differences between character and person, even if she cant really respect the boundaries that come with it

now,,, owen izzy and eva. team escope <3 UMM. im so sorry i love them but. i also think noah would be hesitant if not downright refusing to make connections on the cast (world tour goes off the rails idk) and knew there was something like the beginnings of friendship with eva and izzy on the playa (and to an extent owen on the island) and set it aside to potentially kindle once future seasons and filming was off the table. i feel izzy would be content to go with this (theyre already best friends in her head), and noah would also be content to let her treat him as such because character,, eva on the other hand does not like his reluctance, but she does (begrudingly, angrily) respect it as a boundary up until she finds out its just because of the cameras, which to her is cowardly since the idea of distinguishing such a line that no one else even sees is pointless < which noah finds hard to understand, having been surrounded by that line for years and years (hence the little to no animosity he has towards chris for the show itself) it feels extremely clear to him and he had trouble seeing it from other perspectives and wondering how it could not be so obvious to these people (he learns tho he learns) world tour happens though and despite the cameras still filming he goes ahead and tries to build up something (which eva can appreciate)

^ owen,, they get their friendship as well,,, their interactions are a little disconnected courtesy of one (1) noah but much like eva and izzy after he has his little moment he does take a liking to owen and go out of his way to be friends with the guy (maybe a little sprinkle of foreshadowing-ish moment where noah is hurt to see owen go when hes eliminated but dismisses it as apart of his character and not that he actually likes him as a person),, owen really likes noah!! he thinsk his quips are funny and takes his rude and standoffish behavior as just having trouble with trust and goes out of his way to not push when noah seems reluctant about something,, hes hurt when post-wt noah very bluntly admits that their friendship wasnt as two sided as he thought but is willing when he says he wants to try being Tangible Friends

and uhhh the wider cast generally holds a dislike for him because of (again!!!!) his distinctions that they dont make, but theres no real animosity once noah goes out of his way to try just a liiitle bit (mostly just for his friends,,,)

yeah thats all i have. for right now. this is way longer than i thought it would turn out to be

iam thinking so hard about. noah. and nepotism. like uhhhhhhh

#kijorambles #kjwrites #can you tell i used to get in trouble with my english teacher for #focusing too hard on certain concepts that i was enamored with #i already have brainrot for zeke&noah rare friendship i cant have sierra&noah there too 😔#maybe this au will be called dramaturgy noah #hmm this might be incoherent and Bad but idc im posting it anyway #total drama #< HESISTATION.#maybe sierra and zeke could be friends as a treat. shes fascinated by his being doomed by the narrative #theyre both so socially inept in two different ways........#this post is going off the rails very quickly #dramaturgyAU

54 notes · View notes

nonclassyparty · 2 years ago

Text

Hiraeth (P.SH)- Teaser

A hundred lives across a million realities.

Life is weird for Park Seonghwa. Especially when he’s lived through more than one. One life he falls asleep as a king and in the next, he wakes up as a college student with exams next week.

You are always there, in every life. Taunting him with the mistakes of his past. Always an inch out of his grasp and never his completely, yet Seonghwa thinks that every life in which he meets you will be the one where he gets to keep you.

A hundred lives across a million realities.

No one is the same but does anything really change? What a fucking joke.

pairing: seonghwa x reader

warnings: EVERYTHING. smut, angst, death, blood, gore...idk i’ll add later

taglist: send me a message if u’d like to be added :)

status: coming july 2022.

a/n: so SO SO SO here’s a little part from hiraeth, it will be a one-shot i finally decided bc it will go on forever if i make it a mini series 😭 this is just a little preview, me trying to test out something a little bit different lol. i hope you guys enjoy it bc im really having a lot of fun writing it also, there’s obv a lot of history involved here so don’t hold it against me too much, my knowledge from the japanese occupation of s.korea and all the other eras i mention is very basic (which i know isnt good if i want to write this properly but it is what it is, dont take it too seriously).

Myeong-dong, Seoul, 1921.

Seonghwa's mother hated when he smoked in front of the bakery. Apparently, it was a bad image that drove potential costumers away. As if a guy smoking tobacco outside of the humble establishment would somehow deteriorate the quality of their bread rolls. They were the only bakery on the street as well. She was so dramatic.

But thankfully, she wasn't here today.

Which is precisely why Seonghwa sat on the wooden bench of the display window, with the thin stick filled with tobacco between his lips as he lit it up with a match. He wasn't on break, per say, but if there weren't any costumers in the store and Jongho didn't need any help with the kitchen work in the back- there really wasn't a reason why he should be stuck behind the counter, especially with how hot it was inside due to the oven being used.

It was a little bit over noon, Hongjoong should be around here somewhere anyway. His childhood friend had nothing to do but roam the streets, looking for a mess to be in. It was why Seonghwa's parents never really liked his friend. They thought he influenced Seonghwa badly.

Little did they know that behind almost every bad idea they had, Seonghwa was always the main culprit and not the other way around. Hongjoong just followed him, for the sake of it.

"I'm assuming Mrs. Park isn't around today since you're smoking outside." Hongjoong spoke loudly as he approached where Seonghwa sat, taking a seat next to him on the windowsill. His white shirt was missing a button and was wrinkly, very different from Seonghwa's carefully ironed and buttoned up shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

"You would be correct." Was Seonghwa's response as he stared at the people moving up and down the street.

Ladies holding mini umbrellas to protect them from the spring sun, holding onto the elbows of the gentlemen that walked beside them. The neighbourhood kids of the working class running around with their toys in hand as shrill laughter followed them. It was always so lively here.

"They went to the docks to collect packages for the store today." Seonghwa explains as Hongjoong lights up a cigarette of his own. His cigarette box was embroidered with gold and it served as a constant reminder of the difference between them.

Hongjoong wasn't like Seonghwa. He was a rich kid, the son of the man who owned the biggest factory in town. Maybe that's why Hongjoong was so careless in following every bad idea Seonghwa had. Seonghwa did it because he was reckless and dumb while Hongjoong did it because he could afford it.

Even now, despite barely making it through basic education, he has a job secured. Maybe even outside of South Korea, if things get worse here. It's why he can parade around the town every day like this, with his wrinkly shirts and golden cigarette cases, because he will always have a place to fall back on.

Seonghwa, on the other hand, only had the little family bakery which he will probably inherit if the military don't throw him in jail or something by the time he's old enough to run it.

But he wanted to go to school more. Maybe become a translator for the Japanese so he could get an office job and get away from flour and the heat of the oven. He couldn't though, it was only available for people who could afford it, meaning children of the upper class and the militants from abroad.

Oh well. It's the stack of cards he's been dealt with in this life, so he'll just have to make due.

"There's a festival at the square tonight. You should come." Hongjoong offered, exhaling the smoke with his eyes crinkled from the sunlight poking into them.

"Can't. When mom and dad get back, we'll probably spend the whole night restocking in the back." He responds with a sigh, his lips quirking a bit. It's nice that Hongjoong keeps asking, despite knowing what the answer will be.

Ever since their last debacle which involved a stolen pig and running away from the guards, his parents held Seonghwa on a tight leash. It's been four months now and they still weren't budging.

"I'll tell you all about the pretty girls I see, don't you worry." Hongjoong teased, clapping Seonghwa on the back and he chuckled in return, shaking his head a little.

"Not like you're going to have any luck with them." Seonghwa teased back with a smirk, eyes still set on the strangers moving up and down, peering into the displays and so on.

"Hey! I'll have you know that me and Eunji from the Songs had a great time behind the hay barns." His friend complains with a whine, punching Seonghwa's shoulder lightly.

"Sure. Sure." Seonghwa was still smirking.

"Asshole." Hongjoong mutters, looking through the display into the bakery, "Where's Jongho?"

"He's somewhere in the bac-" Seonghwa's words get stuck in his throat as he catches a glimpse of a figure from across the street, walking with two children on each side.

A girl.

A girl clad in a white dress that reached her ankles, cinching at her waist. The wide sleeves of it swayed in the light breeze with every step she took as she observed the displays of the passing stores. Her long, midnight black hair was intricately braided and rested over one shoulder with a ribbon tied at the end.

Seonghwa found himself unable to tear his gaze away from her figure, something deeper than butterflies settling in his chest than when he normally spots a pretty girl. Something that makes him feel like he's getting pierced through the chest with a knife the longer he stares at her. Something aching to...pain? It was...Why is he getting the urge to be near her? What was this feeling?

This went beyond regular attraction and Seonghwa couldn’t explain why. Deep sorrow filled him up as he stared at the beautiful girl and his insides were twisting like a hurricane, bending and swaying anything in its way. He wanted to be closer-

"Forget about it." The voice that comes from his side cuts his train of thought and he turns his head to Hongjoong who was watching the same girl.

"What?" Seonghwa chuckles, awkwardly trying to play it off like he wasn’t almost brought to tears while staring at a complete stranger.

"Her?" Hongjoong asks, subtly nodding his head in the girl's direction. She was now crouching down next to the little boy that was with her, pointing out to him something in the display. "Forget about it."

"Why? Who is she?" Seonghwa questions with furrowed brows, the awkward smile slipping when he noticed how serious Hongjoong was being.

"Mayor's niece. Her name is Yumiko." His friend spoke with a hushed tone, gaze still trained on the girl's, your, figure. "She's here for the summer, lives in Tokyo, grew up there as well. Filthy rich family. I heard she's going to be one of the first women to start higher education there. So just...forget about it."

Seonghwa stays quiet, eyes still trained on you across the street. Yumiko. You seemed familiar despite the fact that he knows he never saw you before because he definitely would have remembered you. That name doesn't suit you, Seonghwa has no idea why he feels that way but he just does.

Yumiko. It means arrow child in Japanese. At first glance, he would've expected your name to be something softer, gentler and complimenting to your looks. Hm.

"Hwa," Hongjoong's stern voice and Seonghwa pulls his dazed eyes away from you once again and turns to Hongjoong who is staring at him with sharp eyes. "I'm serious. I know I always support all your stupid ideas for shits and giggles but just trust me on this, you don't want to get involved with her. Her father is fucking insane."

"I was just looking at a pretty girl, Joong." Seonghwa replies with a small chuckle, "it's not like I'll ever even talk to her or anything."

"Good, keep it at that." Hongjoong nods, taking another drag of his cigarette. "Besides, she's probably been spoken for in an arranged marriage ever since she was, like, twelve or something. It's how families like that work."

"Yeah, okay." Seonghwa nods finally, staring at his friend a little bit longer and trying to keep his thoughts in check. Yumiko. Yumiko. Yumiko. Y/N. Yumiko. Yumiko. Yumiko.

#seonghwa x reader #ateez x reader #ateez angst

93 notes · View notes

cpacs-blog · 2 years ago

Text

Nobody asked so here it is: why i ship Petruo HARD

So there I was watching AOT and everyone is bleak and sad and Marco is dead etc

And then suddenly Eren is w a new group of ppl

And in a world of shitty, man-eating monsters, there’s this group of vets who supposedly know what’s up; Eren should be intimidated, yadda yadda yadda

And they are hilarious and ridiculous

There are two clearly messing with each other, gettin’ sassy

The other two spend almost all of their screen-time rolling their eyes at this which makes it even better

And Petra wasn’t like this before. She was dutiful and kind, but not a sass master and I love it

I like also how Auruo didn’t trust Eren. Everyone else we care about at this point was very optimistic but Auruo was like “nah you’re a short 15 year old w anger issues I don’t trust you with shit, let alone aaving the world”

(He was fuckjn right, btw)

And Petra, being kind AND spunky, was like “stfu idiot go die”

MY ICON

I like how Petra’s full personality comes out when she’s around Auruo; she’s kind but lots of ppl are kind… her fire sets her apart

I like how Auruo is apprehensive but also loyal; he never really trusts Eren, but he eventually dies for him bc of his duty to Levi

Auruo mimics Levi which PISSES Petra off; popular theory is bc he loves Petra and she loves Levi so

Add another trope that lives rent-free in my head: “why are you acting so different don’t do that i’ve always liked you for who you truly aaaarrrreee”

We find out later they went through training together and also peed themselves

Which makes them so much more human… I mean wouldn’t you if something was going to use you for dental floss??

Then we see them in the flashback, Auruo w googly eyes and everyone loving each other and having fun

And then they all die (rip)

But before they do, Petruo is BADASS. Like this Titan just killed half the battalion and they bamboozled her so good

(Literally died on a technicality is all im sayin im not salty YOU’RE salty)

When Petra dies, Auruo is HEARTBROKEN. And then immediately goes to “fuck u that was rude” and keeps fighting

Which, brave

To the badge scene: (and Rivetra ppl dont hate me I respect u and am anti-ship war just let me procrastinate on tumblr for a sec)

I think Levi took Petra’s badge bc her body was there. Not many corpses. Certainly not the amount for the ppl that died

No half corpses (sorry Eld). Guessin’ they didnt get Gunther from the tree either. Idk about Auruo and how broken his lower half is bc we never see it

But either way, Petra is either the only/ one of two of Levi squad on the carts, so yeah Levi takes her patch bc she’s probs the only one there

And he looks back bc she represents his squad and he misses all of them (clearly, since they’re in most of his flash-back panels)

And yeah I do think Levi and Petra were especially close. She was kind and he was getting used to people being kind to him

But I’m not a huge fan of boss-employee stuff. Lots of fics have Petra being super doting and 1-D when she’s with Levi and… that’s it. Her full self is kind AND spirited but she’s only half of that w Levi; she’s his suboordinate and therefore acts like it around him. She’s perfect, Levi is emotionally troubled, she fixes him OR she’s his worker and he finally starts noticing her

Her dad definitely is doing the typical dad thing and being embarrassing. Imo he sees how committed his daughter is to this captain (professionaly), and his dad reflexx is like “NO THAT IS MY CHILD U SHALL NOT MARRY SHE IS TOO YOUNG I FORBID IT”

And Levi is like “shit this makes breaking the bad news even worse”

Petra and Auruo probs grew up in Karanese together since Petra’s dad is there and Auruo’s ADORABLE family is waiting for him for dinner

So you’ve got: a) childhood besties maybe b) who ran off to the military together c) who are damn good at what they do d) but also are fun and witty e) until they die together, bravely

They are equals. They are their worst and best selves around each other. They mess w each other like an old married couple. They care deeply about each other. And they have such good hearts that they march head-first into giants bc they believe it will make the world a better place

Again, I only see either of them be their whole spectrum of personality around each other; they don’t share this privilege with anyone else

Petra is kindhearted and tender, but also intense, sarcastic, and fed up with your bs. A badass w a big heart

Auruo is ridiculous, arrogant (outwardly), pragmatic, and insecure. But he loves his friends and thinks his beating heart is a cheap thing compared to anyone else’s. All bluster, true to his core

in this house, we stan these things

#petruo #auretra #auruo bossard #oluo bozado #petra ral #oluo bossard #levi squad #attack on titan #snk #special operations squad #nobody asked #but i did anyway

31 notes · View notes

kenmaiid · 3 years ago

Text

🌳 Levi minecraft headcanons 🌳

im sorry but the hold Levi and Minecraft have on me needs to be studied by doctors and taught as a cautionary tale in universities or something idk why it makes me so giddy. anyways-

-levi’s the type to play really long sessions of Minecraft all at once before never touching the game again for like months at a time. He’s hardcore invested in one sitting but after awhile other games call for his attention, and it’s usually the level grinding dungeon types (doesn’t mean he still doesn’t adore the peace getting lost in his silly little block world brings)

-obviously he’s decked out in the strongest armor and weapons, he knows all about potion making and he’s a wiz with using redstone 🙄 we get it you game

-he ‘beat’ the game a very long time ago, but he mostly just likes the familiar routine of mining and creating and doing this and that. he doesn’t own that many worlds honestly, he’s dedicated to having a few survival worlds and just one or two for creative mode to build things.

-He’d only ever make a new world if he wanted to play with a new group of ppl and start fresh. Building a little community where everyone still sort of does their own thing is fun that way. Or it would be if he could get more of his brothers to play with him

-Leviathan used to play a ton with Mammon before Mammon started annoying him in-game too much hfkfdkfd

-it was always little things like always asking for his extra tools and never replenishing the supplies later, or Mammon would crash at his house all the time or constantly lead mobs to Levi’s place. (he used to step on Levi’s crops for awhile too on accident)

“S’not my fault that damn creeper blew my place up.” Mammon says matter-of-factly. “Just go make a new bed.” Levi groans tiredly. “I gave you wool awhile back.” “Yea! And then I died! And you went an turned off the keep-items-after-death option. So what the hell else am I s’posed to do!” Levi can practically hear Mammon shrugging. ”But it’s not a true gaming experience if you don’t have a complete shutdown after mining and mining and mining for nearly hours and end up getting a ton of super rare supplies, only to meet your ultimately fate by getting accidentally killed by a mob. Or falling off a deep pit into a chasm of lava on accident, or dying in the stupidest way possible and losing every single thing you own and immediately feeling like you want to break everything.” Levi quickly spouts off. There’s silence on the other line for awhile before Mammon quietly says. “Y’know what... maybe you should take a break.” (Mammon also ended up selling his own personal computer for extra money once so he just *does not* play things at all anymore. Hand games like card and checkers are more his thing, but anyways that left Levi without a minecraft buddy unless he wanted to play with online friends)

-Levi tried to recruit Barbatos to play since they used to play games here and there sometimes but Barbatos absolutely refused. The butler more or less said something that hinted at him thinking the game seemed a bit too silly for his own personal tastes and Levi only begged him 4 more times to play with him before completely dropping it

-Levi tried to recruit Lucifer as a last option but it was just so ridiculous seeing his little block avatar in game and trying to instruct him that he couldn't go through with it anymore. They agreed to never speak of it afterwards

-He introduced the game to Diavolo one day, but playing with the Young Prince is so rare that he has to completely reintroduce the controls and the mechanics of the game e v e r y single time they can finally arrange something.

Not only that but he has to juggle having the Prince on call at the same time, and it is absolutely terrible trying to explain controls over call. Levi’s much better at showing Dia in person what needs to be pressed.

Diavolo follows him around aimlessly for most of it, just enjoying the graphics and being amused at the block-like animals. He vaguely wonders if they can arrange for some creatures from the Devildom to be put into the game. it does not work like that but Levi mentions that he can probably mod Cerberus into the game. all the coding talk is lost on Diavolo but he’s happy nonetheless!

-Levi probably has the highest speedrun record in the Devildom when it comes to this game... *cough cough* loser *cough*

#my writings #obey me #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #om levi #om leviathan #obey me mammon #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #om mammon #om diavolo #om barbatos #obey me headcanon #obeyme #obey me headcanons #obey me writing #obey me lucifer

62 notes · View notes

kadwrites · 4 years ago

Text

a little tipsy | T.S

summary; the reader always gets in trouble when she gets tipsy but this time , she was lucky.

warning; its a fluff, maybe tommy is out of character ? idk and maybe some grammar mistakes , I literally wrote this while i was in class so there is that

word count; 1507

author’s note; nursing school is sort of stressful and I seem to only write when im stressed so.. ,btw I wrote this for @captivatedbycillianmurphy i feel like i owe them, I hope you guys like it! please tell me what you think of it.

she sat at the bar , watching her friends sing and dance while she drank her regular drink, these nights out were not her favorite but seeing her friends laugh made her feel happy. but the moment she saw him entering ,she lowered her gaze and faced forward.

she knew him , like everyone did , she works at a nearby bookstore and when she's done she comes here to help harry , her dad's friend. she would see him everyday but she never talked to him , she would try to pretend like he didn't exist, why? she doesn't even know.

the moment she's done , she'll just hurry to get out but today seemed like she is stuck ,its still early so her friends will refuse to go home and she has to stay and make sure they won't get in trouble.

"it's okay , he is just a guy." she whispered to her self , or so she thought

"yeah , I'm just a guy relax." he smirked and she felt as if her soul left her body.

he is way closer than she thought he was , she peaked slowly to find him still looking at her .

"I'm actually not that bad once you forget the whole gangster thing." he joked

"yeah, I bet." she said meekly, the words of her friend keeps echoing in her head.

"you have a crush on tommy !! aww , thats so cute.!"

"no , I don't " she said as she was organizing the books.

"you do , it's fine , it's natural" she sighed "he is very dreamy so no one blames you"

"no one will blame me because I have no feelings towards that man whatsoever."

"you said 'whatsoever' ,thats you shoving your tongue down his throat in your language"

"what's your name?" he asked

"y/n" she answered , she doesn't know why would he want to know , because honestly she isn't that interesting compared to , well , anyone.

she downed her third glass , she isn't drunk but she is more confident now, she thinks.

"your friends seem to be having fun, why aren't you with them?."

"your brothers are having fun too and I don't see you there."

he was somehow shocked but mostly amused

"you really don't want me around you."

she faced him "my mom really doesn't approve the fact that you exist but I don't mind"

"you work at the bookstore ,don't you?"

"I do"

"why?"

"not a lot of people go there."

"you work in a bookstore to avoid people?"

she nodded and downed her fourth glass , she is a bit tipsy.

"I wish it was this easy for me"

"with a face like yours ? I don't people would leave you alone"

he smiled " I hope that's a compliment "

"It is , your face is like drugs to women"

"your very honest"

"I'm tipsy"

"I like you better when you actually talk"

"I would've never talked to you without a bit of alcohol in my system"

"why is that?"

“take a wild guess” she says as she nods at the group of giggling girls that were obviously talking about him.

he chuckled at her , his smile growing “ I don’t see how that would be relevant”

“um , I feel like I might get stabbed if I talked to you” she glanced at the group of girls once more “ oh , if looks could kill”

he was laughing now , she watched and giggled to herself.

“I made him laugh!” she thought to herself and was feeling a ridiculous sense of pride .

she turned to look at her friends that she forgot about and she was shocked to see them gone except one who was about to leave

“pardon me , I need to do something” she walked away before he could even answer.

“sara , where are the rest ?” she said as she cursed herself for forgetting about them.

“oh , don’t worry! laura’s brother drove them home and I will be walking home” she patted y/n shoulder gently “ I am sober and my house is 5 minutes away , you can stay with your date” she said and wiggled her brows.

“fuck off” she smiled as she hugged her friend goodbye.

“you are an amazing friend , my own brothers wouldn’t be worried about me like that” he was standing behind her now.

she jumped at the wound of his voice “it seems to me as if your brothers are done with your shit”.

“they are” he smiled at her

“I am tipsy and my friends left so I should get going too” she said as she looked at her feet

“ can I walk you home?” he asked as he held the door open for her.

“I didn’t peg you as a gentleman , no offense”

“what? offense taken very personally”

“ I didn’t peg you as a dramatic person either” she giggled as he scoffed

he offered his arm as they walked , she gladly accepted.

“you are not as rude and cold as I thought you would be.” she admitted

“I am, you just are not someone I want to be rude and cold with” his voice was soft and warm , almost out of character.

“so , you are a bitch but not to me?”

“what can I say, it is a piety thing really , you break my heart.”

he threw his head back , laughing when she shoved him, he was back at her side in a few seconds , gently taking her hand in his. she felt as if god finally wanted her to be happy but then she looked up to see her house

“well , this is it,” she said , voice laced with disappointment

“goodnight,”

“you know , I do feel like I want to sober up a bit,” she was already walking past her house,

he smiled and just walked by her, a few minutes later they were back at her doorstep

“goodnight , thomas,”

“goodnight ,” he kissed the back of her hand, she just stared at his eyes for a few seconds smiling and then entering the house.

,in the following morning , y\n was regretting every decision she ever made , she didn’t even drink that much but her body hated her nonetheless .

she laid in her bed , holding the hand the tommy held yesterday and thinking of ways to keep her hands dry and how to never wash them again.

“good morning!” laura barged in y\n room as if it was her own, jumping on the bed beside her friend, y\n just groaned and tried to ignore laura’s existence.

“ I half expected to see a naked tommy deity in your bed.” she giggled

“keep praying , god might listen to you.”she was half asleep.

her moms yelling woke her up “darling! get up! there is a....guest waiting for you.”

the pausing made y\n open an eye and look at her friend , they both seemed to think the same thing

laura pulled y\n and pushed her into the bathroom

“change and freshen up , your mom never pauses so its either our sex deity or satan” she closed the door on her friend.

laura stood by the door and then helped her half asleep friend change and look somewhat alive.

“I swear if it isn’t him , I will murder you.”

“just thank me when he’ll get you a nice diamond ring” she told her friend as they walked down the stairs and into the living room. y/n was scoffing when the sight of tommy awkwardly sipping tea as your mom stared at him,

“oh, wonderful ! just make yourself at home dear , y/n be polite with your guest” her mom got up the moment that she walked in and just left the room with laura

“your mom doesn’t like me at all”

y\n smiled “why are you here ? not that I mind” she sat beside him on the sofa

“I wanted to check on you” he sipped the tea almost shyly.

“I am good , my head feels like it might explode but other than that I am peachy” she sighed

“ you weren’t even drunk” he looked at her ,

“I was drunk enough to get you to like me” she winked at him and he laughed

“are you still drunk?”

“I might be” she shrugged and he smiled , again.

“I will take you out on a date tonight” he demanded

“you know , gentlemen ask for things like dates” she raised a brow

“fine” he cleared his throat “would you like to go on a date with me?”

“I would love to go out with you , thomas” she smiled , then she leaned and gave him a very gentle kiss on his cheek

thomas is not a soft person, but the moment that her lips touched his cheek , he felt himself melt and he doesn’t mind that at all.

#kadwrites #thomas shelby x reader #tommy shelby x reader #thomas shelby imagine #tommy shelby imagine

328 notes · View notes

zaptap · 3 years ago

Photo

ive made a few of these bingo sheets and theyre fun so i decided to make one not just for e3 but also JUST for splatoon 3 (not just for e3 but for like the whole lifetime of the game). also heres my updated list of characters id like to see in smash, ordered generally by which id like more and/or think are the most realistic

since min min got in i took out helix, and since i couldnt decide whether to add in waluigi or madeline i added another row (realistically i dont think any indies are getting in but i threw some in anyway). also i was like “oh yeah maybe theyd put in a gen viii pokemon” so i threw in hatterene since thats one of my favorites.

also as for waluigi (and shovel knight for that matter) i think it would be nice to see an assist trophy get in just to break that rule. also i remember being super surprised he wasnt in brawl (back then i thought he and wario were equally important) and even though that was based on a wrong impression ive still felt like he should be in there ever since

notes about the bingos under the cut

really is about time for those n64 games, especially now that mario is dead so theyre free to release sm64 on it. game boy games would be nice sometime too

would also make sense to include banjo-kazooie in that, nintendos had a good relationship with microsoft lately and the total absence of anything banjo-kazooie on the switch is odd since it’s a dlc character (every other one has a game on switch they can use for cross-marketing, even if joker’s took a while) and i think the best explanation for that would be that theyre holding off for the nso n64 app (this is easiest from a technical standpoint because all they have to do is make a deal to use the roms)

when are they putting octolings in mk8d

xenoblade chronicles x is one of the only wii u games left that they could port (aside from ones that wouldnt make much sense like splatoon and ssb4) so i guess that might as well happen sometime. also monolith soft might be doing something else besides helping with splatoon 3

im not ready for metroid prime 4 (im over halfway through mp2 and therefore the trilogy as a whole) but it’s been a while, they might show it and it could even come out this year

hal apparently recently hinted at a new kirby game or something

the upgraded switch is obviously going to be called the Nintendo Switch ͥ since they already did the ds lite so theyre clearly naming everything in the family after the ds family, theres absolutely no flaw in this logic. idk if theyre showing it, but unlike 2019 they didnt say they werent showing new hardware (just that they were showing software, which could be taken as denying rumors, but they sometimes specify when certain things arent being shown)

metroid prime trilogy also might come this year. would make sense to release it before mp4 since not everyone is going to buy a wii u to get it (and at this point that doesnt get nintendo any money since they stopped making them)

where is detective pikachu 2. i hope it has the blue pikachu from that first tease they gave us in like 2014 (2013? that was a loooong time ago idk)

they said this was MOSTLY 2021 so i am absolutely getting my hopes up for splatoon 2

the two sinnoh games could likely be there

would be super cool if oddity came to switch. and almost as ironic as megalovania getting into smash

we havent seen the botw sequel for a couple years so we’re kind of due for an update on that

it’s ace attorney’s 20th anniversary this year so maybe theyre doing something. theyre already porting those games though so idk. maybe he’s getting in smash

whats with that watermelon mario render

i held off on watching a playthrough for ndrv3 on the off chance it came to switch and i could play a dangan ronpa game for real for once but it’s now been 4 years and we just passed the 10th anniversary of the series (albeit during a pandemic when i wouldnt expect them to have done anything) so it would be cool to see the series come to switch. i think if it still doesnt after this though i’ll just watch the playthrough, 4 years is long enough. amazed ive avoided spoilers this long, i still know next to nothing about the game

im about done with acnh but im still waiting on those splatoon items. and i ran out of storage in february so i need more of that too

nintendo did stuff for zelda’s 30th anniversary so i doubt theyre forgetting the 35th. maybe wwhd/tphd ports, idk

been a couple years since fire emblem, intelligent systems is probably up to something besides planning yet another paper mario spinoff

miyamoto forgot pikmin 4 in the oven 6 years ago and it got burnt to a crisp and thats why it hasnt come out yet because he had to start over

and splatoon

the inklings scared daft punk into quitting so now that theres no competition in the robot musician scene they should have a daft punk style group

i waited and waited and neither of my top two splatoon stages (flounder and d’alfonsino) came back in splatoon 2 so i hope just because splatoon 3 isnt in inkopolis doesnt mean they still wont return

would be sick as hell if there was a real hide and seek mode instead of just sticking to your own rules in private battles. havent played that since 2015 but it was super fun

show us the effects of the chaos world

i wanted mc craig to have a song in octo expansion and they didnt deliver. heres another chance

splatnet 3 baby

cant wait for nogami to do a funny 3 pose

abxy came back for splatoon 2.... am i gonna be that lucky again...?

salmon run doesnt make sense if youre friends with a smallfry but they could either change the story context (you just fight “evil” salmonids?) or replace it with an equally fun co-op mode

amiibo!!! i think i said this before but they should label them by weapons if these cephalopods dont have genders, would make more sense (the gendered ones had different weapons anyway)

returning characters!!!! would like to see everyone have a role of some kind

maybe #GearForAll wasnt successful in getting the emperor/spy/mecha gear, but perhaps theyll at least consider not making that stuff exclusive this time around

squid girl gear should be back. and they should call it a dress instead of a tunic because its a dress. and theres no gender now anyway

as ive said before... TRIPLIES!! you hold one in each hand and another in your mouth. and you can spin around like the tasmanian devil

remove splatfest tee annoyances: you should have a prompt at the end of a splatfest to pay to scrub your tee (to make sure you get the chunks) also it should be on a neutral brand so you dont end up with an overabundance of ink resistance up (or whatever else)

better online and cloud saves would certainly justify having a second splatoon game on the same console, as much as im loving that it exists

hopefully theres a global testfire again

sooner or later the workers will rise up and kill mr grizz

remember in splatoon 1 where if you had squid beatz (via the amiibo) you could “play” it in the lobby and change the music? then you were stuck listening to only bubble bath in splatoon 2? why did they take that option away they should bring it back

looking at those apartment buildings in the trailer i think it would be cool if you had your own room and could decorate it

an octavio redemption arc would be fun to see. in the manga he stole the zapfish because the octarians had an energy crisis, and in the end they worked out a deal to share the electricity

#nintendo direct #e3 #e3 2021 #splatoon 3 #splatoon #ssbu

38 notes · View notes

perhapsthanatos · 4 years ago

Text

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

58 notes · View notes

enderspawn · 3 years ago

Note

It's alright if u don't wanna answer this cuz this argument gets people really riled up but do you think c!Techno is a tyrant or nah?

Cuz many c!techno apologists argue that he isn't just cuz he's an anarchist but I've also read a lot of essays that go against it and it'd be really interesting to see ur opinion on this

i think he, in some contexts, can most definitely be called tyrannical, yes. a tyrant? no.

to avoid spamming ppl w discourse we've all def heard before (and bc this ended up MASSIVE (like 2.3k ish), but fairly in depth bc i didnt wanna speak out of bad faith and wanted to be EXPLICTLY clear-- oops), the rest will be under readmore

so heres the thing i want to preface: i used to really LOVE c!techno. i joined beginning of s2, right when exile started, and he was arguably my favorite character. since then though i've fallen out with him a LOT, to the point i almost... actively despite him at times (though mainly in a toxic kind of way which i can acknowledge is flawed).

in short, his actions started to speak louder than his words and i lost investment in his personal character struggles because of the actions he took (doomsday was my breaking point. i get feeling angry and betrayed, as well as seeking revenge against lmanberg, but his actions went too far for me to CARE and it hurt so many more characters as well.)

so when i speak, i come from a place of disliking him but also somewhat understanding the position c!techno apologists come from: i used to be one of them myself.

NOW, do i think he's a tyrant? no. for reference in my analysis, i try to look up the definition of terms to make sure they are utilized properly. while "tyranny" and "tyrannical" can have multiple uses, tyrant itself is a more specific term. to combine the top two definitions, a tyrant is referring to "an extremely oppressive, unjust, or cruel absolute ruler (who governs without restrictions, especially one who seized power illegally.)"

techno's position as an anarchist, imo, DOES indeed make him unable to be a tyrant. tyrants are rulers with very clear power over others from a structural way. anarchists are about the lack of structure or power over others and instead viewing the people around you as equals in power.

in forming the syndicate, they very explicitly worked to not designate a leader and instead make it so that no one would have any power over the others systemically. techno may have taken a integral role, yes, but it doesn't make him suddenly "the leader", its a role that wouldve had to be filled by someone (even if it was democratic to decide who to invite, they'd need someone to hand over the invite itself yknow? like no matter WHAT there needed to be A ROLE)

one could argue that he IS a leader in the shadow hierarchy of the syndicate (which, yes, is a real and professional term used in management courses despite sounding like it comes from a 4kids yugioh dub) in that everyone CONSIDERS and looks to him a leader without him having any actual structural basis behind it, but to argue that allows him to be a tyrant is in bad faith i believe. especially because to the people he would be "ruling", he ISNT oppressive, unjust, or cruel. they are his friends and support network and critical for a lot of his personal development (since feelings of betrayal and trust issues are critical to his character and why he acts the way he does). I wish we were able to SEE this develop more, but oh well.

but like i said: tyrant is fairly specific in definition. TYRANNY, and thus TYRANNICAL are not as limited. I've discussed their definitions here. originally, i made that post because i was angry at a take i had seen that claimed that, like you said, because techno was an anarchist and not part of any government or leadership position, he couldn't be tyrannical. to which i heartily disagree.

for something to be tyrannical, they simply must have an overarching/oppressive power over someone or something. it would not be inaccurate if i were to say that something is "under the tyranny" of a concept, because what it means is that something is under the power of another thing/concept. you can frankly call anything tyranny if it is widespread/overarching and you don't like it. mask mandates? tyranny, its forcing me to act in "rigorous condition". hell, theres even such things as tyranny of the majority in which people agree too much on one thing and it gives them unfair power or tyranny of the minority where people with minority opinions have too much power (thats a very grossly oversimplified definition of both, but it covers the base idea well enough for my point)

the point im making above isnt meant to be taken as "anything can be worked to be defined as tyranny thus it is a meaningless claim", it is that tyranny (and again, thus tyrannical) are very open and nonrestrictive terms.

to make it easier to define, alongside the definitions provided i want to add an explicit clause that is (imo) implied in the original definition: tyranny is... well, bad. that is to say if someone has power over a group but literally everyone is fine with it and agrees to it, its not tyranny. thats just a group of people getting along and one happens to have power over another. a leader does NOT equal a tyrant (as discussed above), so leadership should not be equated with tyranny.

thus as an example: wilbur acting as president (before the election) may have been "unelected" with power over his citizens, but no one was upset with that power. thus, he is not a tyrant and not acting tyrannically (as well as the fact his power was, arguably, NOT rigourous or absolute but thats another topic for another time). SCHLATT however IS a tyrant, as his power was absolute (he did not consult his cabinet) and forced people to comply instead of them complying willingly, thus he was acting tyrannically.

now to finally get to the damn point of this essay: where does c!techno lie? honest answer? it depends slightly on your perspective, but it depends a LOT on the future of the syndicate.

techno is incredibly clear in his goals: no governments, no corruption. in fighting with pogtopia, he is actively working to topple a tyranny-- he isn't tyrannical for doing that.

when he strikes out on nov 16th, it is because he opposes them forming a new government. when they oppose him and disagree, he launches an attack against them. is this tyranny? maybe, but probably not. he IS trying to impose his own physical strength and power (as well as his resources) over the others to stop them from doing what HE doesn't want them to do.

however its more nuanced than that:

1. hes lashing out emotionally as well as politically. he feels betrayed by those he trusted and he believed that they would destroy the government then go (i'm ignoring any debates on if he did or did not know that they planned another government, though it is a source of debate). but typically idk about you but i dont call tyranny for someone fighting with another person.

2. he also may be acting with good intent again, in HIS EYES. if tubbo was part of manburg, whos to say he wont be just as bad? he, in his pov, is likely trying to stop another tyrant before they rise.

3. and finally, and tbh the most damning from any perspective: he gives up. he quickly leaves then RETIRES without intent to try and attack again until he is later provoked. tyranny is defined by it not just being power, but power being USED. if he doesn't use his power to try and impose any will, then he's not tyrannical.

Doomsday I am also not going to touch very in depth on for much of the same reasons. My answer is again a "maybe", depending on the weight you personally place on each issue:

1. he's lashing out as revenge for the butcher army and as revenge against tommy for "betraying" him (though this one we explicitly know he was ignoring the fact tommy did not want to go through with it, however he still did trust and respect tommy regardless so his feelings are understandable anyway)

2. he sees new lmanberg as corrupt and tyrannical (which is undeniable: house arrest for noncompliance, exile without counsel, execution without trial, etc), and thus obligated to destroy it

but also, theres the implicit understanding he's doing this to send a message: do not form a government, or else. its a display of force that also works to warn others unless they want a similar fate. phil even explicitly states that he is doing so to send that message, so one could assume techno is doing the same alongside his personal reasoning listed above.

what i just described is the use of a oppressive and harsh (physical) power in order to gain compliance from people (that compliance being 'not making a government'). does that sound familiar? exactly. it follows the definition(s) of tyranny given previously. technoblade is acting in a way that is, by very definition, tyrannical.

so the debate shifts: is he valid in doing so because he is trying to PREVENT corruption and tyranny. like i said, new lmanberg was undeniably corrupt at points. i held nothing against techno for trying to topple manburg, so does that apply to new lmanberg as well? short answer: i dont know. it depends on your specific opinion of what is acceptable. its like the paradox of tolerance: to have a truly tolerant society, you have to be intolerant of intolerance. to have a truly non-tyrannical society, do you need to have a tyranny enforcing it?

personally (and bc im a lmanberg loyalist /hj) i say it is. regardless of the corruption of new lmanberg, they are also giving a threat to EVERYONE. even those who are innocent, they are presented with the exact same threat and rule set: if you make a government, you will be destroyed.

(which, small divergence here, is part of why debating c!techno is so frustrating. so many times you end up hitting a "well it depends on your political views" situation and there ISNT a correct answer there. im here to analyze characters for fun, not debate political theory)

so: the syndicate then. this is where this debate really "took off" and i think its due to one very specific miscommunication about its goals and plans. the syndicate, upon formation, declares itself to stand against corruption and tyranny. when they are found, the syndicate would work to destroy it. so heres the golden question: what do THEY define as corruption and tyranny? if you were to go off c!techno's previous statements, seemingly "any government" is a valid answer. however, he also states he's fine with people just being in groups together hanging together.

what then DEFINES A GOVERNMENT for them? what lines do they have to sort out what does "deserve to be destroyed" and what does "deserve to exist freely"

this is a hypothetical i like to post when it comes to syndicate discourse:

i have a group of people. lets say 5 or so for example. they all live together and build together. any decisions made that would impact the entire group they make together and they must have a unanimous agreement in order to proceed, but otherwise they are free to be their own people and do their own thing. when you ask them, they tell you they are their own nation and they have a very clearly defined government: they are a direct democracy. does the syndicate have an obligation to attack?

there is absolutely no hierarchy present. there is no corruption present. but, they ARE indeed a government. is that then inherently negative? my answer is fuck no (see the whole "difference between a tyrant and a leader" thing above).

but THATS where the issue of this discourse LIES. in some people's eyes, the answer to that is YES. techno's made it clear "no government" is his personal view, but does that spread to the syndicate as a whole? do they act preemptively in case it DOES become corrupt? is it inherently corrupt because its a government, regardless of how it is ruled? the fact of the matter is because of how little we've seen the syndicate work as a SYNDICATE, we don't know that answer. so we're left to debate and speculate HOW they would act.

if the syndicate were to let that government exist, then they are not tyrannical. they are showing that they are working to stop tyranny and corruption, just like in pogtopia again.

if the syndicate were to destroy/attack that government, then they are tyrannical. simple as that. they are enforcing a rule of their own creation without any nuance or flexibility under the threat of absolute destruction.

miscommunication in debates comes, in my opinion, in the above. of course theres more points of nuance. for example:

would the syndicate allow a government like i had described with early lmanberg, where there is an established hierarchy but everyone in the country consents to said leadership? on one hand, there is no tyranny or corruption present which is what they are trying to work against. on the other hand, theres more a possibility of it occuring. perhaps they'd find a middle road between the two binary options of "leave or destroy" i am presenting, such as checking in occasionally to ensure no corruption occurs.

but if they were to destroy it without, for lack of a better word, "giving it a chance" they would be, in my opinion, tyrannical. they would be going aginst their words of opposing corruption and instead abusing their power to gain compliance.

your/others opinions may differ, again it depends on if you see it as worth it to possibly stop future tyranny or if a hierarchy is INHERENTLY a negative thing.

part of the reason so many blog gave up this debate, beyond not getting very clear answers for the syndicate, is because of the nuance present. there. is. no. right. answer. every single person will view it differently, because there is no universally agreed upon truth of right or wrong here. BUT, i hope this helps shed some light on the discussion and my thoughts on it

#dream smp #mcyt #techno #syndicate analysis #YEAH IM MAINTAGGING WHAT OF IT #also i-- idk if it should be crit tagged? i tried to be as fair and open as possible #lemme know what yall think #ANYWAY ANON IM SO FUCKING SORRY THIS THING ENDED UP 2.3K WORDS LONG #I JUST RLLY WNATED TO BE THOUROUGH AND AS FUCKING CENTRIST /HJ AS POSSIBLE FJDKSLFJ #its very nuanced and theres no right answer but you sure as hell know mine now #answered #anon #im at work rn im gonna get fucking fired for this FJDKSFJKL #/HJ HOPEFULLY IN THAT I AM AT WORK BUT I WONT GET FIRED #og post #(jeb bush voice) please clap

32 notes · View notes

queenlua · 3 years ago

Note

hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue. see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP. and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP. so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on. there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc. you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

20 notes · View notes

offtopicoverload · 4 years ago

Text

Get Lucky

so i totally forgot about this request from @renluthor for like. two months, terribly sorry, but i finally finished it lmao. bit different than what we had discussed, but i had a lot of fun with it and think it turned out decent enough, hope you enjoy it also idk how to tag on ao3, i hope this works fine

M Rating (still suck at rating, there's drinking and kissing so)

Zoey x MC (Bea)

~1700 words (still pretty short since i cant seem to get my word count up rn but im also not that fussed)

Read on Ao3

Bea Hughes stands in the middle of Belvoire’s quad on her first day at the school, staring down a snarling beast, some bitch named Poppy that’s really starting to get on her nerves. “You know what, Poppy?” she snarks, “I’m really going to enjoy tearing you down. Something tells me nobody likes you half as much as you like yourself.” She pauses, glancing around before her gaze lands on some frat bro, “Michael, how often does Poppy call you an idiot?”

He frowns, face downcast, “Every day. My therapist says it isn’t good to surround myself with people who bring me down, but my parents are friends with Poppy’s and -”

“Oh my god, nobody asked to be invited to your pity party, Michael!” Poppy shouts, effectively cutting him off with a stamp of her foot.

Bea’s scowl grows, “You know what nobody asked to be invited to? Poppy’s Daily Bitch-Fest. Death by migraine would be more pleasant.”

“Oh, you haven’t even seen Poppy’s Daily Bitch-Fest,” her eyes narrow at Bea dangerously, “But if you’d like a demonstration, by all means, be my guest of -”

“Hey Bea! Look at the time, we gotta go!” Someone takes hold of Bea’s wrist, tugging her along and away from the crowd, from Michael, and from Poppy and her glare. She’s pulled into a sprint across the lawn, running wildly until they’re inside a dorm and standing before some door.

“Wish the circumstances were different, but welcome to the Winfrey dorm complex, aka your new home!” The girl lets Bea’s wrist drop back to her side, gesturing widely with one hand as she fumbles to unlock the door with the other.

She finally succeeds, throwing the door open and ushering Bea inside, the door slamming shut behind them. Bea’s eyes immediately rove over the expensive decor and nice furniture of the huge dorm she’s somehow stumbled upon.

The girl collapses on a couch, kicking her feet up as she looks over to Bea, “So, you got out of that one alive. Barely,” she adds under her breath. “How are you feeling?”

Bea follows suit, slumping down on the opposite side, toying with the hem of her shirt distractedly. “Honestly, you’re gorgeous,” she shrugs, watching the fabric slide between her fingertips. She freezes, slowly glancing to Zoey, “...is what I was thinking, but did I just say it out loud?”

A laugh bursts from Zoey, her head falling back, “You did, and you’re absolutely, positively right. Not to mention easy on the eyes yourself,” she grins, winking at Bea, before sticking her hand out. “I’m Zoey Wade, your roomie,” she shakes Bea’s hand when their palms meet, “This right here is our dorm. Your room’s on the left, mine’s on the right.”

“Okay,” Bea responds abruptly, sinking into the cushions and crossing her arms beneath her chest. “Okay,” she repeats.

Zoey glances over to her, “Are you okay?”

Bea’s eyes flicker to her dark ones, “Yes. Yes, because I got lucky on the roommate front,” she smiles, albeit somewhat forced.

“That you did,” Zoey smiles right back. “In fact, I know the perfect place to get you off campus until the hype dies down.” she jumps to her feet, crossing to the front door before Bea can even react.

She scrambles to her feet, nearly tripping on the corner of the coffee table, “Wait!” Zoey spins as she swings the door open, winking before disappearing down the corner, Bea nearly sprinting to catch up.

---

An hour later, Bea and Zoey are sitting in a dim corner of a Soho speakeasy, soft music and conversation buzzing in the background. Half-drunk Manhattans sit before them, their own voices adding to the soft din of chatter flowing in the space.

“How’d you find this place?” Bea inquires curiously, her eyes scanning the building and its patrons. It’s cozy and warm, the inviting atmosphere a sharp contrast to Belvoire’s intimidating one.

“Connections,” Zoey’s shoulders rise in a nonchalant shrug, unbothered as she scrolls her phone.

“Whose?”

Zoey looks up from her phone, gaze meeting Bea’s as she smirks, “Can’t spill all my secrets on the first day, babe.”

“Why not?” Bea challenges, one eyebrow quirked.

Zoey’s phone is set face down on the table as she looks at Bea mysteriously, smiling secretively, “As sweet as you are, I always need a few cards up my sleeve.”

“How many you got?”

“I’ll never tell,” she winks, in what Bea is quickly learning to be her default.

“I thought the whole point of coming here was to learn more about each other, roomie,” Bea counters pointedly.

Zoey shakes her head, leaning back against the booth, “The point of coming here is avoiding the campus harpy that goes by the name of Poppy.”

“So you don’t want to get to know me? Or let me get to know you?”

“Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll tell you something.”

Bea just her bottom lip out in a pout, her eyes wide and innocent as she blinks up at Zoey. She only smiles coyly in return, drinking her cocktail as Bea deflates, sighing and slumping backwards.

“You are so lucky you’re cute,” Zoey hums from the back of her throat.

Bea grins before schooling her expression into something flirtatious, “I’m hoping I’ll get luckier.”

Zoey laughs at that, just as loud and unrestrained as back in their dorm, “Nice try. At least buy me a drink first.”

“I’ll buy you the whole bar, how about that?”

“I’ll take another Manhattan for now,” Zoey laughs, sinking back into the booth as Bea jumps up, weaving through the speakeasy’s crowd to get back to the bar.

She returns a few minutes later, wiggling the drinks in her hands enticingly with a wide grin on her lips. She slides back into her seat, sipping her own bright coloured cocktail as she looks to Zoey.

“So what made you want to come to Belvoire? Long way from home, right?” Zoey plays with her drink, scraping a cherry off a toothpick with her front teeth.

Bea shrugs, “It’s a good school, and I thought it’d be fun to try something new… But now I’m mixed up in petty drama,” a sigh shifts her shoulders, Zoey stilling her absentminded fidgeting.

“Petty drama, maybe, but you’re making a name for yourself,” she nudges Bea with her elbow. “That’s more than a lot of people can say.”

“So you don’t think I’m totally screwed?”

“Hmm,” one carefully manicured nail taps Zoey’s chin. “I give it ten to one odds,” she finally decides, smiling sweetly across the table.

Bea frowns, a dent forming between her brows as the girl across from her’s smile grows in amusement, “Those aren’t good odds.”

“But there’s still a chance. Look, I know I don’t know you very well, but you seem like the type to pull it off.”

“Seems like you’re just trying to flatter me.”

“And what if I was?”

“I guess I’d wonder if there was a reason for it.”

“Can’t a cute girl be reason enough?”

Bea lets her gaze rake over Zoey suggestively, “I suppose so.”

“See? You’re smart, you’ll be fine,” she encourages. “Probably.”

“Ugh,” with a groan, Bea’s head falls forward, forehead crashing against the table.

“Nope, nope, nope,” Zoey chastises above her, “No moping.”

Bea turns, her cheek pressing into the wood, “What else am I supposed to do?”

“You’re going to dance,” Zoey announces, standing with her palms flat on the tabletop. She cocks her head at Bea expectantly, sauntering out to the dancefloor when Bea takes the hint, popping up and chasing behind her.

The dance floor's more crowded than anywhere else, couples and friend groups moving in unison to the beat thundering through the air. Zoey whirls around, dancing to the peppy song currently playing until Bea’s joined her, swinging her hips and throwing her arms about carelessly.

The song’s change, the crowd moves as one, and the pair spin and jump and whirl, Zoey taking Bea’s hands and twirling her until she’s laughing and dizzy. Time ticks past until they’re both breathless and sweaty, leaning against one another for support.

“You’re a pretty good dancer,” Zoey chuckles, her breath brushing Bea’s cheek, goosebumps breaking across her skin.

A grin breaks Bea’s lips too, relaxed and somewhat tired, “Right back atcha.”

Zoey throws her arm over Bea’s shoulders, fingers knitting behind her neck as she looks down at the shorter girl, her messy hair and gleaming eyes, her smudged lipstick and shining teeth. One hand retracts, the pad of her thumb swiping lightly beneath Bea’s lips, cleaning up the mess on her skin.

Bea’s breath hitches, her eyes widening in the dim lighting of the speakeasy, glued to Zoey’s dark ones as they shift over parted lips. “Hey, Bea?” she whispers, thumb still ghosting over Bea’s skin.

“Yeah?” she whispers back, the exhale skimming Zoey’s skin now.

“Are you still trying to get lucky?”

“God yes,” she groans.

Zoey bends down, letting her lips softly graze Bea’s, just barely making contact. Smudged lips chase hers, Zoey smiling before Bea’s palms are on her cheeks, tugging her downwards, her own thumbs brushing along high cheekbones.

Zoey’s hands find her hips, pulling her closer until they’re bodies fit together, only heat between them under the lights. Zoey nips at Bea’s bottom lip, the shorter girl gasping against her lips, Zoey’s tongue slipping past them.

Time ticks past, the mass of people surrounding them lost in a haze, heat the only thing discernible. The break apart after a short moment, unconsciously swaying to the music together, getting caught up in the rhythm, sucked into the thudding bass.

“We should probably head back to campus,” Zoey murmurs after another song fades out.

Bea’s head lolls to the taller girl’s shoulder, a groan spilling from her throat, “Mm, do we have to?”

A familiar chuckle explodes from Zoey’s chest, “Yeah, maybe you’ll find a four-leaf clover along the way. Get even luckier.”

Bea pulls back, her eyes eager as they meet Zoey’s and the remaining laughter in them. “Okay, let’s go!” she grabs Zoey’s hand on her hip, tugging her through the crowd and out the door, pulling her along this time. Her laughter rings behind Bea as she barrels down the street, New York’s lights illuminating her way.

#i know i said id post this yesterday but then i got to editing and decided. no #zoey wade #zoey x mc #queen b #choices fanfic #playchoices #qb basa #i feel like this is very weird and i can’t tell why???#like just different style ig???

35 notes · View notes

neocityarchive · 5 years ago

Text

blind love | l.m.k.

— in which mark lee is so much more than just your best friend but you were too blind to realize it.

word count: 7.2k | warnings: light swearing | blind love - lola young |

a/n: i didnt mean for it to be this long but i hope you enjoy!!!

“Just friends,” Mark said, his voice still steady even in the growing tension of the moment. “That’s all you said we are, right?”

Your head dropped down to look at your hands, not knowing what to say. The overbearing guilt of rejecting his sudden confession was crushing your chest that it became painful to breathe.

“I’m sorry, Mark,” was all you could say. You forced yourself to meet his gaze through your already glassy eyes, wanting to let him know the sincerity of your words.

He smiled kindly, shaking his head. There was sadness in his eyes. And in all the years you two have known each other, you could tell how hard he was trying to hide it. “It’s okay. That’s all we’ll be.”

You bumped your head repeatedly against your study table in an attempt to rid yourself of the memory that’s constantly been playing in your head.

It was a Sunday which meant there were no classes, which meant the university was closed, which meant that you couldn’t even make an excuse to see your best friend Mark who somehow, after almost three years of friendship, suddenly decided that it was a good idea to tell you he loves you more than a friend should love a friend.

You couldn’t say it happened out of nowhere. He’s been saying he has something important to tell you for almost two weeks before the incident but every time you confront him about it, he always makes up some lame excuse to dodge. It took a lot of self-hate for yourself and a nice amount of his protective instinct to finally make him spit it out.

He came to your apartment that night, finding you barefaced, wearing a pair of sweats and one of his hoodies that you stole some time ago. From that he already knew you weren’t okay. You like wearing his stuff to seek some sort of comfort. Somehow, the smell of his clothes helps calm you down.

You were supposed to help him finish a report but you couldn’t concentrate after getting a below satisfactory grade on a major exam. College has done nothing but give you a shitload of insecurities lately and this just pushed you off the edge. The only thing that has been keeping you sane was the knowledge that you had someone who you can run to at the end of the day. Someone who is willing to listen to your rants and would do almost anything to cheer you up.

That day, however, none of Mark’s usual encouragement worked on you. He was getting frustrated hearing you downplay yourself because of a single exam. You started going on about how stupid you felt, how staying up all night to study did nothing but make you ugly. Mark countered every insult you threw at yourself, throwing in a few jokes here and there, all of which you ignored. But when you went on about how all of this made you unworthy of anything, how no one could possibly love you in this state, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“I love you,” he snapped, cutting you off from your long self-deprecating speech.

“You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say that,” you whined, clearly missing the point.

Mark, on the other hand, was barely holding it all inside. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “No, idiot. I love you. Stop saying no one could love you, because I do. And not just because you’re my best friend.”

It wasn’t until you noticed his hands were quivering that you realized what he really meant. Looking back on it, you couldn’t help but hate yourself. You were sure it took a lot of his courage (and frustration) to come clean to you like that, and you couldn’t even take him seriously at first.

“Mark, no,” you remember telling him.

“I do. I hate that I do, but I do.” He looked away. “I love you and I know you’re feeling burdened right now, but you don’t have to say it back.”

A part of you broke that day. You hated rejecting people after having gone through several rejections yourself. It’s the worst feeling. You always wished there was a way you could always return people’s feelings just so no one would get hurt, but the universe just doesn’t work that way.

You muttered about a hundred sorries to which Mark replied a hundred ‘it’s okay’s. Maybe it was meant to make you feel better, but it just felt like your heart was getting ripped off your chest.

Mark didn’t stay long after that. You didn’t even get to help him with his report. He said sorry for suddenly dropping the L-word and you said sorry for not being able to say it back. He smiled sadly and it took your everything not to cry. He asked if he could hug you and you didn’t even answer. You just went straight into his arms, burying your head in his chest like you’ve done so many times before, breathing heavily to keep yourself from breaking down. And when the two of you pulled away, he insisted on being alone for a while. You said okay followed by another sorry.

You didn’t know “being alone for a while” meant ignoring you for god knows how long. You see him at uni but he wouldn’t even meet your eye. Even when you share the same class, he would choose to sit as far from you as possible. Once, he entered a cafe you were in and upon seeing you inside, he immediately turned around and walked away.

He’s ignoring you and he isn’t even being subtle about it. Mark Lee could never be subtle about anything, not even his feelings. You really were just too blind to realize anything.

Even other people saw how he felt. People used to come up to you all the time and ask about your “boyfriend” Mark. Sure, you would blush, shy that people thought you’re in a relationship with your best friend. When you explain that you weren’t actually dating, you would get the same shocked reaction every time. One of your friends even said you acted more like a couple than most people in a relationship do. You always thought it was just because you and Mark were such good friends.

“Friends don’t hold hands in public,” you remember Renjun saying.

“We don’t hold hands. He just grabs me and drags me to places,” you said defensively.

“And they don’t hug each other and stare at each other’s eyes while talking about pizza,” Jaemin scoffed.

You just rolled your eyes at them. It never crossed your mind that maybe they were right. You and Mark have never acted like how friends should. Maybe it’s the reason why you’re in this mess after all.

You sighed to yourself. You miss him. You can’t even pretend that you don’t. He’s become such a huge part of your everyday life that you couldn’t just ignore the sudden empty space he left when he said he wanted to be alone. You know he needed time to be by himself. But a part of you keeps holding on to his promise that even after his confession, you two would still be friends. And friends text each other, right? So all your attempts at communication depended on just that.

Thursday, 5:31 PM

You: wanna go watch a movie? i’ll buy the tickets.

Mark: cant. i have an exam tomorrow. sorry :/ maybe next time?

You: oh. okay. goodluck on your exam :)

Friday, 2:21 AM

You: [photo] this is possibly the cutest cat photo i’ve seen in awhile

Mark: that’s cute but dogs are still cuter

You: … okay?

Mark: go to sleep, y/n

Friday, 12:03 PM

You: i know you dont have class rn. have lunch w me?

Mark: oh i already ate with jaemin. sorry!!

You: it’s okayyyy :>> i’ll see u later? it’s friday night sooo we can hang out.

Mark: idk the boys already asked me to go out tonight

You: oh okay have fun!

Saturday, 6:54 PM

You: maaaark

Mark: y/nnn

You: [types] i miss you kajdhfhdksjdh [deletes]

You: nothing haha wanna grab some coffee?

Saturday, 7:01 PM

You: nvm haha have a nice nighhhttt

Sunday, 10:21 PM

You: hey can we talk

Mark: ???

You: please?

Mark: ye what about?

You: you said we’d still be friends

Mark: lol aren’t we?

You: this isn’t how friends talk to each other. i miss having an actual conversation with you.

You: we dont even see each other anymore.

Mark: i literally reply more to u than i do to jaem wdym haha

You: wow fine okay

Mark: ?????

You: i guess i deserve that haha

Mark: im tired y/n. night.

You: :( nighttt

You checked your messages for the nth time, reading everything as if something was gonna miraculously change with the cold conversation thread. Your fingers have been hovering over the keypad, typing and deleting ‘i miss you’ and ‘talk to me’ for about a hundred times already.

You don’t get why you can’t just say it. What’s so wrong with telling your best friend you miss him? Why is it so hard to press send? Why are you suddenly so afraid of how he would reply or if he would even reply at all?

It was only 10:30 in the evening. You know for sure Mark is only lying about going to sleep. He never sleeps this early unless he really is tired. He does nothing on Sundays so he can’t possibly be tired. Sundays are usually just the two of you hanging out in his apartment or yours, just to watch movies or study together. So what did he do today?

“Stop thinking about him,” you grumbled to yourself. “It’s just Mark. He’s a big boy, he can handle himself.”

But that’s not the point, a voice inside your head said. Just tell him you miss him.

You typed it again, ‘I miss you,’ but deleted it as soon as it was finished. Again.

You’ve spent everyday with Mark that it suddenly hurts to think he’s enjoying the time you usually spend together alone. It’s crazy how you can’t stop thinking about how his day went or if he’s okay or whether he’s eaten or not. You know how stubborn he can be. Sometimes, he’d get so engulfed in whatever he’s doing that he would accidentally skip meals unless you remind him otherwise.

“Fuck this,” you muttered to yourself. You figured you won’t ever be left at peace if you don’t do anything about whatever you’re feeling, so you decided to text Jaemin.

Sunday, 10:52 PM

You: jaeeem hi :)

Jaemin: y/n!!!!! hello :>

You: sorry for bothering you but have you talked to mark lately?

Jaemin: im talking to him rn haha why? you want me to ask him something?

You: not really hahaha how is he?

Jaemin: haha why not ask him yourself

You: he doesnt wanna talk to me lol pls just answer

Jaemin: he’s stubborn as always. he wont listen to me.

You: why, what’s he doing?

Jaemin: idk but it’s definitely not talking to you ksjdjkd

You: … very funny

Jaemin: sorry lmaooo he’s running on an hour or two of sleep everyday

You: jaemin!! why won’t you scold him?

Jaemin: we do! he just doesn’t listen. u know he only listens to you.

Jaemin: idk why you guys still arent together lmao bunch of idiots tbh

You: we’re just friends

Jaemin: rlly? oh btw mark hyung is looking for his save the bees shirt. did u see it anywhere?

You: yeah he left it here like two weeks ago when he slept over

Jaemin: LMAOOO DOESNT SOUND LIKE FRIENDS TO ME CHIEF

You: i fckingskjfhfn hate you

Jaemin: HJSJSHHDJD ok but seriously tho mark hyung is fine. just give him time, he’ll come around.

Jaemin: he misses you but u didnt hear it from me

Jaemin: ok bye he’s getting suspicious now lol

You: idk how you’re both an angel and the devil at the same time

You: anw thanks jaem. dont tell him i asked about him lol byeee

You sighed, putting your phone down in surrender. Your mind was more of a mess now than it was before you talked to Jaemin. You hate that he makes sense especially about the weird, more-than-friendly dynamics of your relationship with Mark. But more importantly, your head was beginning to be overfilled with worry.

Mark runs on barely two hours of sleep everyday. No wonder he always looks so out of it whenever you see him in the hallway. You wanted to call him, to tell him that he should sleep already, to remind him that he shouldn’t overwork himself, that doing just enough is okay. But you know he doesn’t want to talk to you. The cold replies and the ‘????’ were more than enough to tell you that.

Still, you figured it was worth a try sending him a little reminder. So you grabbed your phone once again and typed a message, revealing a little more of your emotions than you intended to. And before you could even think twice about it, you hit send.

Sunday, 11:04 PM

You: hey i know you’re still not asleep. dont worry, you dont have to reply to me. i just wanna tell you that you should take care of yourself. i know you. you’re stubborn and sometimes you won’t sleep or eat unless someone reminds you to so,, this is me reminding you haha. stop overworking yourself mark, please? you cant be sick cause i cant take care of you since you wont talk to me… lol jk. but seriously, get more rest (and talk to me,, hahah jk again unless u wanna ;)) please go to sleep now. goodnight. see you around i guess.

You stopped texting Mark after that. You wondered if he would find the initiative to talk to you first if you didn’t start the conversation. Now, two days have passed and your sleep reminder remains to be the last message on your conversation thread. You couldn’t say it didn’t hurt. You were hoping for at least a small thanks but didn’t get anything at all.

You were starting to get more and more frustrated as the days went by. It’s so unfair that you are slowly losing your best friend because of this. It’s unfair that you can’t even be mad at him because you just broke his heart. You wished there was any way you could have changed what happened, but the past remains to be written.

That afternoon, you passed by one of the cafes you and Mark always go to. You went inside, suddenly craving their special banana muffin which he introduced to you some months ago. The owner recognized you right away as you came up to the cashier.

“You’re not with your boyfriend today?” she asked.

You felt your heart skip a beat and not in a good way. It hurt. You figured there was no use in explaining since she probably won’t believe that Mark is not your boyfriend so you just smiled sadly and answered, “No.”

The lady somehow talked you into buying two muffins so you can bring one to your “boyfriend.” After handing her your payment, you realized maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea. Mark always brings you stuff whenever you’re mad or upset. He knows exactly what you’re craving for even before you knew you were craving for it. Why not try if it works on him?

As soon as you headed out the cafe, you whipped your phone out to text Jaemin, asking if he knew where Mark was. It’s Tuesday, his most free day of the week so he could be anywhere. Jaemin replied not after five minutes.

Jaemin: not sure but he mentioned something about the library??

You: okay thank you!

From that, you knew exactly where Mark is. There was a small patio-like spot beside the library that he likes going to. Not a lot of people utilize the place since the tables and chairs are almost always filled with dried fallen leaves from the surrounding trees but Mark likes the thought of being close to nature.

That day though, there were more people around the area than usual. It was lunchtime so most people were out of the classrooms. Still, it wasn’t hard spotting Mark. It has never been much of a challenge finding him in a crowd of people. You saw him as soon as he came into view, sitting by the table on the corner under one of the ginkgo trees. He had his laptop open and a box of food beside it. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration one moment and then he was laughing the next.

You were about to make your way towards him but immediately stopped in your tracks when you realized he wasn’t alone.

You didn’t know who the girl was. You’ve seen her a lot of times in class and in the hallway. You even have a vague memory of Mark talking to her one time. But you never really bothered to learn her name. She had that soft, innocent look that goes so well with her shy smile. She had her hair tucked in her ears to show just enough of her pretty face. She was beautiful. Unconventionally but undeniably. But none of that mattered.

When she said something with a smirk and Mark let out his trademark laugh, nose scrunching, hand repeatedly hitting the table, shoulders shaking and all, it felt like something punched you in the stomach. He uttered something in reply and now both of them are clutching their sides for laughing too hard.

He looks happy, you thought, I should be, too.

But you aren’t. You continued watching their exchange, him showing her something on his laptop and both of them laughing once again. Your chest felt heavy, like something was sitting on it and now it hurts to breathe. You didn’t realize you’ve been clutching the plastic bag containing the muffin too hard until you felt the sting of nails digging on your palms. You knew you should look away but you couldn’t. You wanted to run towards him. You wanted to tell the girl to scooch over so you can sit beside Mark and give him his muffin.

This is pathetic. I should be happy for him, you said to yourself. But why am I not?

You wanted to be angry, to scream and say that it should be you he’s laughing like that with. To say that it’s you he should be spending his time with. You wanted to ask if he still feels the way he said he does about you. And if he does, then why this? But you remained glued to the ground.

You hated how you were being selfish. You rejected him, remember? So why do you expect him to follow your tails like an intoxicated mad dog? Why can’t you be happy at the possibility that he found someone that feels the same way he does? Why does it… hurt? It’s not supposed to. If you really are friends, then him being happy with someone after your rejection should make you happy as well. If you really are friends, then you shouldn’t be standing here looking stupid, watching them from afar, wishing he’s with you instead.

“What are you looking at?”

You jumped at the sudden disruption, almost dropping your muffins. “What the hell, Jaemin?!” you whined, finally looking away from Mark.

“Mark hyung and Mina?” he snorted.

So that’s her name. “No,” you lied, forcing yourself to take a step away, then another, then another.

“Are you jealous?” Jaemin teased. “Have you finally realized you’re also whipped for our hyung?”

“No,” you grumbled.

“Then why are you almost crying?”

You blinked. You didn’t even realize the tears pooling in your eyes. Why are you being like this? “Shut up. I’m not.”

Jaemin only shrugged. “Fine. Torture yourself, then.” He smirked. “By the way, Jeno and I are inviting people to our place this Friday after exams. Just some drinks and maybe karaoke, I don’t know. We all deserve a break from hell. Wanna come?”

You didn’t reply. Your mind was too preoccupied with other things.

“Mark hyung is coming,” he said. “Maybe Mina too.”

“I don’t wanna go,” you said immediately, suddenly coming up with a decision.

The boy laughed. “You are jealous! God, I love it when you prove yourself wrong. You shouldn’t be though. You already know he likes you.”

“I’m not jealous! Stop it,” you whined, really wanting to cry this time. Everything is so frustrating and Jaemin is not being of any help. You wanted to go home and just wrap yourself in your blanket and maybe one of Mark’s hoodies.

“Then come to our place this Friday. It’s gonna be fun.” He grinned.

“Fine. Whatever. Just get away from me, you little shit,” you said, kicking him lightly in the butt.

You didn’t know if it was a lie or not but if Mark really is seeing someone now, you just didn’t like the idea of seeing them flirt with each other in front of your eyes. Even the thought of it makes you want to pull all your hair out. Is that considered jealousy? If so, why are you feeling it for someone who’s supposed to be just a friend?

Thursday came and you found yourself crying after realizing the shirt you’ve been wearing the whole day was Mark’s. No wonder he looked surprised seeing you in the hallway. He looked away immediately though, acting as if you weren’t there. It didn’t even cross your mind since you use this shirt quite a lot.

After calming yourself down, you put your playlist on shuffle and cried some more after Friends by Ed Sheeran started playing. You didn’t even realize how fitting the song was for your situation until now. Mark probably did.

You remembered him singing that song once. The two of you were just lounging in his apartment. He was playing his guitar while you pretended to study when in reality you were just looking at him. You watched as his fingers plucked and strummed the guitar strings while he softly mumbled lyrics, head bobbing to the tune. He’s good. Unsurprisingly, since he’s good at everything.

When he realized you were staring at him, he turned his head slightly to meet your eyes, one side of his lips curling up into a smirk. “No, my friends won’t love me like you do,” he sang.

You looked away, your cheeks heating up almost immediately. It was hard to focus on your readings when he’s sitting right in front of you looking like that, singing like that. You sighed. He truly was never being subtle about how he felt.

After finishing the song, Mark put his guitar down and laid his head on your lap, not even bothering to ask if it’s okay. That’s how comfortable you were with each other.

“What are you doing?” You remember whining.

“Wake me up after 15 minutes,” he said, already closing his eyes. You took a photo of him that night. He’s cute when he’s asleep. Even cuter when you look at him up close.

Of course, you just had to search your camera roll to find the photo. When you did, it felt as if a storm was raging on your stomach and a gorilla was pounding on your chest. It never dawned to you just how much it hurts that he suddenly left you alone until that moment.

“Goddamn, I miss you so much,” you muttered, looking at his peaceful expression in the photo.

And then you cried some more. You feel lost.

All you wanted to do was curl up in his arms and inhale his scent and listen to how his day went (and maybe accidentally fall asleep together). It sucks because you really had no one else to turn to. The single person who has always been your safe place doesn’t want to talk to you and even if he did, you really wouldn’t know what to say. Perhaps friends really aren’t like that. The thought of everyone being right when they said that maybe you and Mark were never really just friends has never been stronger than it was tonight.

Still, you couldn’t be bothered to sort your feelings out.

He feels like home, you thought. It was the best way to explain the sense of comfort and safety and the feeling of being more than enough that he provides you. It’s the only thing you can think of when your mind drifts to how he is always the constant person that you run to at the end of the day. But friends can feel like home, too, right?

Not to this extent. Not really.

Friday. You found yourself aimlessly roaming around the neighborhood after your classes in the hopes of distracting yourself from your feelings or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be called. You wouldn’t have remembered Jaemin’s party if you didn’t happen to pass by their apartment building.

You stood in front of it for two solid minutes, contemplating whether to go or not.

Mark might be there, you thought. With everything that’s going on in your head and with all the mess happening in your chest, would it really be a good idea to see him? You thought maybe all these things you’re feeling are just a result of missing him. All these sadness and confusion might just be because you miss your best friend.

So you entered the building. You told yourself that you’ll try talking to him again this time, no matter how stubborn he’s going to be. And if it still doesn’t change anything, then you will take it as a sign to let him go. If not forever, then at least for now.

You reached the door to Jaemin and Jeno’s apartment. Even from the outside, the sound of the bass can already be heard. You wondered how long before the neighbors would file a complaint against them, but knowing Jaemin and Jeno, their neighbors are probably inside, partying with them right now.

Before entering, you looked down on your chest just to make sure you were wearing your own shirt and not Mark’s. It didn’t feel right wearing his stuff anymore. God, it really felt like you just broke up. Why is it like this?

You took a deep breath and opened the door. There were already a lot of people inside even if it was just 8 in the evening. Most of them, you know the faces of. You smiled to greet some and muttered a hi to others.

Renjun spotted you as soon as you came into the living room. “Y/N!” He grinned, handing you a cup of god knows what. “Jaemin said he invited you but we were all pretty sure you were gonna ghost us. But you didn’t!”

You laughed hesitantly. “Thanks, I guess?”

“Drink up. It’s a cocktail I made myself,” he said proudly, almost forcing the cup into your mouth.

You took a sip, figuring it won’t do any harm but you spat the liquid back to the cup as soon as it touched your tongue. “What the hell did you put in this?”

He shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just mixed in everything I could find. Thanks for trying it out though. I’ve been looking for a volunteer for five minutes already.”

You frowned. There were a lot of things you were unsure of at the moment but there is one thing that’s certain: you have weird friends. You were about to complain to Renjun when he plucked the cup from your grip and went on to find another victim, not even bothering to listen when you said you literally spat on the cup.

Mark didn’t seem to be anywhere. The apartment wasn’t that big so if he was here, it would be easy to spot him. Maybe he decided not to show up after knowing you were coming. And honestly, part of you was relieved. As much as you wanted to talk to him, you still didn’t know what to say.

I’m sorry I broke your heart, but I miss you so much and I did a lot of thinking and maybe we really shouldn’t be labeled as just friends but I don’t know if I love you, is that okay? That’s just stupid. This whole thing is stupid.

You wanted to leave. Parties have never really been your thing. You usually just go because Mark asked you to since he loves interacting with people. But you figured you needed some alcohol in your system, mainly as a distraction, but also to give you a boost of courage just in case. So you made your way to the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with anyone as much as possible.

You stopped in your tracks as you came to the kitchen. The sound of that laugh was all too familiar.

Great, you thought. Mark was there. And Mina was too. But so were Jeno and Jaemin who exchanged looks as soon as their eyes landed on you. They were all laughing about something before you came.

“You’re here!” Jaemin said a little too enthusiastically in a poor attempt to address the sudden increase of tension in the room.

“Hi,” you said, smiling sheepishly, purposefully avoiding Mark’s gaze which you could feel boring into you. “Just gonna get a drink.”

“Help yourself,” Jeno said. Jaemin smirked beside him.

The refrigerator was just beside Mark. Just great, you thought again. You walked towards it, desperately trying to ignore the four pairs of eyes following your every move.

“Excuse me,” you muttered, still not looking at your best friend.

Mark took a step sideways before opening the fridge for you. You muttered a quick thanks before grabbing the first bottle your hands landed on, not even bothering to check what it was. You really just wanted to get out of there. Maybe the talking to Mark plan was flawed from the beginning because you clearly can’t find the courage in you to face him now.

Beside you, Mark clicked his tongue. He was so close that you could smell his perfume mixed with a bit of alcohol. It made your knees weak.

He took the bottle from your hand and put it back before grabbing a different one and handing it to you. “The other one had vodka. Vodkas give you a headache, remember?” he said in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Oh.” Your voice sounded small even to your own ears. Not gonna lie, you wanted to cry at that moment. “Thanks.”

You could hear Jaemin snickering behind you but you couldn’t bring it in yourself to care. You turned to everyone and said a quick goodbye before dashing out of the kitchen.

Your heart was beating hard and rapidly and not because you moved too fast. You didn’t know why but it hurt seeing Mark like that, like he was okay, like nothing changed with the two of you. It hurt knowing that even after everything, he still knows you the best.

You wanted to run. You wanted to disappear. But you couldn’t leave without passing by the kitchen. Somehow, you know someone in there would stop you. If not Mark, then definitely Jaemin. But you really wanted to be alone. So you resorted to the next best thing. You whipped your phone out and sent Jaemin a text.

You: thanks for inviting me to this party. now i feel like shit :D

Jaemin: IM SORRY BUT DONT LEAVE YET TF

You: i need to be alone and i cant leave without passing by the kitchen and seeing mark. so pls let me use your room for a while.

You: i wont do anything i promise. i just need to calm down.

Jaemin: fine but dont lock the door

You: okay thanks

The door to Jaemin’s room was at the other end of the apartment. You made your way through the noisy crowd, slipping from Renjun’s weird gimmicks when he tried to make you a victim once again, before finally reaching the quiet confines of Jaemin’s room.

The thin walls barely blocked the noise but at least there was no one else here. You sat at the edge of the bed and placed the beer bottle on the floor. You forgot you didn’t even manage to open it. So you just stared at your feet, trying to catch your breath even if you didn’t do anything. That heavy feeling on your chest was back again. It was now associated with being in Mark’s presence.

You started counting to ten to calm yourself down before burying your face on your palms, breaking down into sobs as soon as your forehead came in contact with your fingers. “God, why can’t I just…” you cried, “... admit it to myself already?”

You wanted to thrash around in the bed in frustration but you thought Jaemin didn’t deserve such a mess so you settled with getting up and lightly banging your head against the door. It’s a bad habit you do when you feel annoyed or frustrated. Mark has always been reminding you to stop before you hurt yourself.

Mark. Again. You groaned, hitting your head a little harder this time.

Someone knocked on the door making you stop. You took a step back, thinking you just imagined it. But there it was again.

“Someone’s here,” you said, trying to hide the sound of your voice breaking.

“I know. Can I come in?” It was Mark. There was no question.

Your heart started pounding on your chest once again. You wanted to tell him to go away but you couldn’t find it in yourself to do so.

He took your silence as a yes. He swung the door slightly and poked his head through the small opening. Your hands immediately flew to your face to hide the fact that you’ve been crying.

“You know, I came in here because I didn’t wanna see you when I pass by the kitchen if I leave then you come here making me look like a clown,” you said, your voice muffled by your hands.

Mark chuckled softly. “Why didn’t you wanna see me?”

You didn’t reply. Your face felt hot, not just because of the tears that just won’t stop falling but also because all the blood has come rushing to your cheeks.

Mark grabbed both your wrists and gently lowered your hands down, trying to see your face, but your head bent down as soon as it wasn’t covered. “Y/N, look at me,” he said, hands still on your wrists.

“No.”

“Are you crying?” The idiot crouched down to have a glimpse of your face making you whine and cover your face again. “Last I checked, I should be the one looking brokenhearted around here.”

“God I hate you,” you mumbled. “You ignored me for nearly four weeks and you come in here just to make fun of me.”

He let out an empty laugh. “Well, you did break my heart so…”

At that, you removed your hands from your face to look at him. You were going to say sorry but Mark had that smug look on his face that made you want to punch him. It was almost convincing if you weren’t so good at reading the real emotions in his eyes. His expression softened upon finally seeing you properly.

He looked away, not being able to hold your gaze either. That just confirmed how hard he was trying to keep up with the exterior he was showing everyone.

“I’m sorry,” you said, voice breaking.

He sighed. “I told you. It’s okay.”

“But it’s not,” you cried. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t realize how easy it was to misread what we had because let’s face it, we don’t act like ‘just friends.’ I’m sorry because I was too blind to see how you felt even when you weren’t really trying to hide it. I’m sorry because even though I rejected you, I was so selfish that I still wanted to keep you for myself without realizing that you probably needed to be away from me to move on. I’m sorry because…” you swallowed.

Mark was just looking at you, eyebrows slightly raised in anticipation of what you were going to say next. You missed him. You missed that cute face of his. You missed being in his presence. You missed his voice and his laugh and how he loves teasing you even if he probably feels like shit inside. You missed everything. Four weeks have been too long without each other. Four weeks is too long without your best friend. Four weeks is too long without your home. And that’s when you realized…

“... I can’t let you go. And I might be too late, but I’m sorry that I only just realized why.”

“Why?” he asked.

It was a simple question. Why? Yet it managed to carve out every single feeling you’ve ever felt for this boy. Every little moment he made you laugh. Every small heartbreak you get when he fails to keep his tiny promises. Every single night you ‘accidentally’ fell asleep next to each other. Every ounce of fulfillment you get when you finally convince him to sleep after a long day. Every goodnight. Every good morning. Everything.

“I love you,” you said. It sounded almost like an exhale.

For a moment, Mark didn’t reply. Your head immediately started swarming with unwelcomed thoughts. Maybe you were too late. You almost forgot about Mina who he seems to be having an excellent time with. Maybe he managed to move on within those four weeks. It’s possible, right? You had your chance and you missed it.

Finally, Mark let out a laugh, his head falling down to look at the floor. “I told you you didn’t have to say it back,” he said, voice soft.

You shook your head. “I’m not saying it because you said it first,” you said. “I realize this might be the worst timing but I just thought you should know you weren’t the only one being stupid enough to fall for their best friend. I was just too dumb to realize that that’s what it was.”

“Why would it be the worst timing?” He frowned.

You felt like crying again. You really wish you had some alcohol in your system right now. Why is this whole confession thing taking so long? “‘Cause you’re dating Mina? Or trying to. I don’t know. I tried not keeping tabs on you because our friends are assholes who wouldn’t stop teasing me. She’s pretty, by the way. You two look good together.”

Mark laughed again. It was raw and real this time, and god, the way your chest tightened in endearment at the sound was so pure. “You thought me and Mina are dating?”

“Aren’t you? I’ve seen you guys together a lot.” Well, once. But you tend to overestimate things.

“No!” He snorted. “Jaemin and I are trying to get her and Jeno together. If anything, she made me realize that we definitely aren’t just friends.”

“Really?” Now you just feel stupid. But what else is new? It’s all you’ve been feeling lately. Come to think of it, Mark and Mina didn’t even come close to how you two act with each other.

“Really,” he said. “Friends don’t stay at each other’s place and cuddle with each other just to fall asleep, Y/N. Besides, I said I love you, didn’t I? Did you really think that’s just gonna go away that quickly?”

“Mark, I can’t even sort my feelings out. How am I supposed to figure out how yours work?” You sighed.

“Fine. Just to be clear, I still love you. Even if you don’t, I love you,” he said, taking both your hands and placing it on his shoulder before putting his on your waist.

“But I do.”

“Say it then.”

“I love you. Even if you’re the dorkiest person I know, I love you.” Your fingers tangled themselves in his hair. You’ve run your hands through his hair so many times before. You wondered why it never crossed your mind that you liked doing it not because his hair is soft but because you were sucker for the domestic feeling of it.

Mark couldn’t stop himself from smiling that he had to bury his face at the crook of your neck. “I’m not used to this, sorry.”

“Me neither,” you laughed.

When he finally composed himself, he pulled away just enough to look at you. All those times you’ve stood this close before does not even compare to how it’s like right now. This is the perfect mix of feeling new but familiar.

“You have no idea how many mornings I fought the urge to kiss you whenever we wake up next to each other,” he said in a soft voice.

“Well, nothing’s stopping you know, is there?” you muttered, eyes fluttering to his lips.

You pulled Mark down by the neck as he pulled you closer to him, your lips finally connecting. The idea of kissing him isn’t new to you. There were so many times before that you’ve found yourself inches away from his face and slamming your lips together wouldn’t have been such a bad idea. But this is the first you actually kissed him yet he felt so familiar that you were almost sure you’ve done this a million times before. His lips were soft against yours that it made you weak in the knees. If he weren’t holding onto you like he was, you probably would’ve crumpled already.

The two of you pulled away, breathless.

“Wow,” he breathed. “That didn’t even come close to how I imagined it would feel like.”

You laughed. “This whole night didn’t come close to how I imagined it would be like. I thought you were gonna keep on ignoring me. And honestly, I wouldn’t know how to cope anymore because I really, really miss you already. So thanks for saving me.”

“Stop making me blush. I don’t know how I can possibly love you more than this.”

You rolled your eyes but you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling. This was only one of the very few times that the reality went better than your expectations. But then again, maybe you and Mark have always been meant to happen. It was happening even before you realized it was. And now that you finally managed to sort how you both felt, there was no more wasting chances.

“Do I still have to ask you to be my girlfriend?” he asked.

“We’ve literally slept in the same bed so many times. I’d be more surprised if we’re not dating already,” you joked.

Mark grinned. “You’re literally the only one who didn’t realize that until today, but it’s okay, I still love you.”

You laughed. “Wanna go outside and pretend we didn’t make up? I’m 100% sure Jaemin betted on us.”

“I worry how your mind works sometimes, Y/N,” Mark said with a frown before kissing you on the forehead. “But let’s do it.”

You smiled. You’ve said it a lot but you really missed this proximity. You missed being able to hug him whenever you want, and now you can kiss him whenever you want too. You wanted to say you could get used to this, but the thing is… you already are.

#y/n is a clown here read at your own risk #BUT PLS ENJOY CAUSE I DID #dhjdkjfhdfk i should stop writing about mark #nct au #nct imagines #mark lee imagines #mark lee #nct mark au #nct prompts #nct blurbs #soft nct hours #sad nct hours #nct fluff au #nct angst au #nct dream au #nct 127 au

941 notes · View notes