#may just said Many Things Will Happen
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me when i officially have a boyfriend 🥰🥰
#personal#hannah does college#ahhhh god i have smiled so much today. the whole last couple weeks really#what a fucking development in the last month of my spring term huh#may just said Many Things Will Happen#good things though. very good things#jhb <3
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I know that we got plenty of options as to how everything with the Ender King is going to go down, but a thought that has not left my mind was the idea of the Ender King downing qPhil in some way and taking him away. Which means there would be a chat message for all to see :)
For example :)
#qsmp#qsmp philza#this could be better or worse depending on how many people qPhil tells about the whole mess (itll probably be 0 tbh)#cause if he tells no one#not even his kids#then it will be a gut punch#like pov you are chayanne and tallulah#you just lost your godfather in Tubbo#you may have just lost someone who really cares for you in Bad#and you gotta hold onto your dad right? if something was wrong he would have told you right? he promised to not keep secrets right?#and now hes gone without a word#was the Ender King that much of a threat that he could take your dad without any hint that it could happen? or were there just signs#that you missed. that you could have seen and stopped. you could have saved your dad but you didnt. why didnt you notice him change?#and to a lesser extent there is also the gut punch to fitmc#pov you are fitmc#phil promised to keep you updated on all the hallucination stuff and hasnt said anything to you about it in a long time#thats a good sign right? itd be bad if the Ender King was real and came to help phil anyway#he had some crying obsidian appear in his inventory? clearly the admins are messing with him it couldnt be anything#and now hes gone#and you find out that he was hiding things from you from his children#there were more messages more hallucinations#why didnt he tell you?#did he not trust you? hes right to do it but you thought he trusted you with this at the very least#and now#what do you do?#you dont even know where to start in looking for him#did he really trust you that little?
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Here is a drawing of one of my favourite changes in choreography in the Australian deh production :)
During Good For You, after Alana and Jared have their little solos, Alana comes to the front of the stage and crouches down with her hands over her head, completely still. At the same time, Jared goes upstage and paces back and forth very quickly - every time he has to turn around he makes stilted and frustrated gestures as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I was very excited by this, as it is so unlike the broadway version of this scene where they stand symmetrically on opposite sides of the stage. Instead, Alana and Jared’s reaction to their feelings are clearly contrasted against each other. It seemed so natural too; while they move in formation for a lot of gfy, here it was like they had to take a break from the song because of how overwhelmed they were! Which only made it easier to empathise with them. The whole song was spectacular of course but this particular decision I think was very successful. I have always been intrigued by the contrast between Alana and Jared and it was really brought to the forefront in this moment.
#dear evan hansen#my art#jared kleinman#alana beck#jacob rozario#carmel rodrigues#I lost my mind when this happened it was so perfect to me#another thing that hit me hard in gfy was during jared and evan’s fight#when they do the ‘I thought the only reason you talked to me was because of your car insurance’ ‘so??’ (always been a fav moment of mine)#obviously there are tonnes of ways to do the ‘so??’ but I was expecting the indignant and kinda sputtering lashing out ‘so’#instead jared totally shrunk in on himself grabbed onto his bag strap in his hands and said it so softly#and he was really up in evan’s personal space earlier so here it was like oh wow that really struck him#like for another one of my favourite lines (‘heyy so my parents are out of town this weekend-’) he did a little bouncy dance up to evan and#-touched him as he spoke - including booping his nose. he said out loud ‘we. can. drink- boop! whatever we want!’#very silly#anyway just a few fun moments that my fellow jared enjoyers may be happy to hear about#also carmel’s alana was Far on the overwhelmingly high energy / bouncy / big facial expressions side of the alana scale - which I Love#and jacob was a more drawling / condescending jared - less frantic and more subtle in his amusement/indignation#I loved it - I think there are so many ways to play these characters that offers a slightly different insight into their internal state#god I have so many things to say about this showww
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i rmr when all the initial meta around endgame was coming out people were talking about steve being depressed and whatnot and it's like well yeah but he's BEEN depressed, like he woke up alone in this century and he kept going, now i can understand it being worse this time after finding a family and getting bucky back and losing them all except of course that's not why endgame steve was on about so like......the people writing meta were trying to connect these things that of course weren't really there on screen because that simply wasn't our steve
but i think it really could've been SO interesting to see this is the thing that finally makes steve stay down like he's lost so much and he just CAN'T keep fighting like i get some people think that's what they were going for but considering the ending......it's really not. and so i'm just thinking about a version after iw, maybe he gets some of the thor treatment except not turning his depression into a dumb fatphobic joke lol and maybe nat and others are trying to get through to him and it just doesn't work and then we get some flashbacks (which you could have done for all the original avengers actually which would be particularly important for bruce and nat and clint who did not have their own trilogies) including his mom telling him "you always stand up" and THAT being the thing to finally get him moving like it would've been such a perfect way to finally show sarah rogers some respect and ACTUALLY show steve really struggling instead of whatever they tried to do with him in that movie
#steve rogers#mcu#anti endgame#why am i still rewriting this movie five years later#really though i think i rmr just trying to work through it all#and a lot of the meta i was reblogging initially still wasn't really accurate to endgame or the rest of the mcu#like they were still making steggy more important than it canonically was while trying to explain why it was a bad ending#and it's kind of like you can say steve would respect that peggy had a life and wouldn't interfere with it but that's about it like#going on about how he DID love her so much and just wouldn't be selfish enough to do those things#or that she was soooo important to his moral compass (hence why so many fic writers had her telling him to go back to bucky lol insanity)#are just not accurate lmao i do think much as she may be rightfully disliked#while canonically he did not LOVE her he did respect her even if we think that's annoying bc she's an asshole to him in catfa#but yeah no he had a moral compass before her i understand what people were going for with the compass being symbolic but like....#any time she said anything did he listen? except for maybe when she told him he was meant for more? it really doesn't seem like it#nor did he need it! jesus! the whole point of catfa is he was chosen for a REASON he was already a good man#he did not need peggy 'sure i'll let nazis into shield' carter to teach him shit#but yeah it was bc i followed one stucky blog at the time who was reblogging a lot of good shit but a lot of that nonsensical shit too#and i was just reblogging it all bc everything sounded better than endgame#and i really did start seeing more of the discussions around peggy where her culpability in catws hadn't even occurred to me#bc i was so in fic from the beginning of joining fandom that not only was their relationship made as impt as stucky#it was also made out like what happened to shield was hurting her legacy and it's like...but she had to have at least SOME responsibility#and yeah eventually it's like okay no it's not just that steve wouldn't Do That it's also that they would've been a terrible couple#and not only would he not be so selfish but he wouldn't give up everything for HER lmao but he would've for bucky as was shown over and ove
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An idle thought, really, but I think it's interesting to see fandom latch on the metaphorical interpretation of things like Laudna's relationship with Delilah as a metaphor for addiction or Imogen's psychic powers as a metaphor for either chronic pain or queerness, but there's much less attachment to or discussion of the characters who explicitly, canonically dealt with exactly those things. By which I mean Scanlan's substance abuse, Veth's alcoholism, and even Ashton's chronic pain (which feels like it was discussed much more before it was confirmed canon, and seems to be brought up mostly just as ship fodder these days). I suppose one could argue the devotion to the metaphorical interpretations lies in the fact that it's an interpretation of canon as opposed to being explicitly so, meaning there's more wiggle room to project a personal interpretation onto it. Explicit canon is more concrete, less malleable to the individual viewer. Still, if we're going to talk about addiction now in a metaphorical sense via Laudna, it leads me to wonder if we will see further discussion of the characters who explicitly dealt with addiction (Veth and Scanlan), as opposed to Laudna's purported allegorical version of it
#take this with a grain of salt because I was not directly involved in the fandom when major things re: veth and scanlan's#substance abuse issues were ongoing for the most part#so if there WAS a wider discussion of this that has happened in fandom I might just not know about it#that said in my experience it has not come up much at all#so even if there was discussion you rarely see it come up in the ongoing reception of the characters#which may just be an effect of WHO those specific characters are#i.e. two consecutive sam pcs (explicitly) vs now a marisha pc (in the metaphorical sense)#because I am familiar with scanlan often being called unfair and veth often being called selfish#but re: laudna many of her decisions (see: killing bor'dor) have the blame shunted onto other characters (orym) to absolve her#of having made those decisions to begin with#neither veth nor scanlan have ever been shown that kind of leniency in the fandom that I know of#particularly as it pertains to their very real struggles with addiction#ANYWAY this is not going into the maintag lol. lmao even#like am I fan of the comparison to addiction? eh. it doesn't quite feel like it fits. like it's not a perfect comparison#but like I'll play ball with it a little I guess since it's been brought up in canon
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i legit love when a character's gender is so integral to their personality (and perception obviously.) like so concrete that if genderbent their whole shtick would just be absolute dookie. anyways i'm just writing this text so i can talk in the tags (My beautiful safe haven)
youtube
this 14 minute song is soooooooooooo FYRE
#text#actually i'm thinkinbg about this only cus i'm drawing female neloff and i'm just like#Elder dookies fans already hate females..... imagine them tryign to handle a woman with NPD that is reaching toxic waste levels#old decaying female with NPD.#but i'm also drawing female neloff for fun cus i have an idea for a look; i don't think it's a good idea#and he is just one of those characters that feel very good in the strict cismale box.#i also feel silly talking about gender-anything in any fiction because that's a topic only Am*ricans with no real problems sweat about#if that makes sense#just not something that interests me in the slightest#actually this might jsut be fascinating 2me because it is interesting indeed to see the different ways narcissism is treated. in characters#if i keep saying females instead of women it's bc i legit love that word. Sorry#and el*nwen+ulfr*c too are those female+male respectively perfectly fitting characters too#but notice how i didn't say cis. exactly. i'm thinking about the person that said elly did his top surgery in the torture basement. 4 free#or maybe i said that and they jsut said they're both t4t. Mmmaybe#the absolute W we copped with elly being the ' ' Big Bad ' ' th*lmor as a woman who is just obsessed with the luxuries of life.#stereotypical high society woman#she's so cute#i might just be obsessed with exploring very traditional dynamics too. i love keeping it grounded yk#Me after reading too many geriatric centuries old novels and huffing copium on sk*rim#i think i legit hate having fun with wilder character personality-morphism (because it is useless) that's not working with what u have#i'm just saying things that will make sense only 2 me now. Bye#why did i develop interest-related nihilism that extends to me hating fantasy franchises and anything that isn't non-fiction#i love it tho makes me feel so sophisticated#this is what happens when nobody humbles you while you draw regurgitated glorified studentXteacher (with a medieval twist) for a year.#i'm so excited for the year to be over not bc it's bad for me but bc i wanna see what all of the n*lvas art i drew looks like together#i wanna compile it like i did with eltl in 2023#n*lvas been treating me so well though liek i've been at such an artistic Peak especially after may#i'm always at my artistic peak tho.#i have a picture of n*relion on my mspaint canvas and it keeps looking at me while i'm drawing . he scares me because who gave him -#- the t*lvas hairstyle and the n*loth beard Bro.
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[when the angst and The Horrors is too much all you gotta do is imagine your OCs as being actors playing the role of a character.]
[makes The Horrors less bad to think of cuz then they're just acting!!!!!1!1!1!!!]
#someone should come and stop me before I make an actor AU for TMM GOOD DAMN VOID#I HAVE ENOUGH AUS WHY WAS I GIVEN THE POWER TO NOT ONLY MAKE CHARACTERS BUT MAKE AUS OF SAID CHARACTERS#I've seen people do the actor AU thing before with characters from shows they like and AAAAAAAAAA I wanna do it with my OCs but also at the#-same time 'Too Many Misadventures' is still all a concept series and not a real one that's up and running#so maybe I might go a little crazy and pretend the show is real just for this ONE TIME#I should be stopped#tmm#too many misadventures#actor au#tagging this as such cuz it MAY happen and yall MAY see it pop up on the art tumblr-#that and also DA FINALLY HAS MULTIPLE POSTS OPTION FOR A DEVIATION I'M SO HAPPY#FINALLY THE OLD ART SITE HAS FINALLY CAUGHT UP EVERYONE CONGRATULATE OL' DA FOR DOING THE BARE MINIMUM!!
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🐑 Alternate Universe- Magic, Mutual Pining, Demonic possession, Furbies
Oh dear...
Alex is attending one of the most prestigious magic academies in the country, on the orders of his parents of course. Even though Laiz Fier Academy reviles even the name of the only type of magic he's ever been good at. His parents swore he'd find another specialty here, and he'd let himself believe them, like the idiot he is. He's scraping by in classes. Barely. At least he's managed to make a couple of friends and figure out how to sneak into the library stacks to find books that will actually help him hone his skills.
However, Alex realizes now there's a reason why it's not recommended to do your first summoning alone. Because, while he does manage to summon a demon, it doesn't exactly end up in the silvery urn he'd laid in the center of the pentagram.
So now he has a talking, demonic Furby to hide. One that, despite its too-wide eyes and disconcertingly smooth voice, Alex thinks he might be developing feelings for.
(Fake fic ask game!)
#legolas tag#legolas ask#julie and the phantoms#willex#so okay in my head#Alex is super good at a specific branch of magic#which usually would be awesome since he was born into a high power magical family#unfortunately the thing he's good at is demonic magic#which is.... unpopular to put it lightly#his parents send him away to school in the hopes that he'll latch onto something else with so many options to explore#that doesn't happen#he meets Luke and Julie (both music magic) and Reggie (animal magic)#and they all become friends#and they all figure out how to sneak into the stacks together#where Alex finds all the hidden away books on demonic magic#cause it's not actually Evil like people think#just... darker in source than most#Alex may fall down a bit of a spiral about his abilities and worth though#and ends up attempting to summon an actual demon to help him learn magic#but... well he must have messed up the binding part of the ceremony?#Cause he does get a demonic magic coach#but said coach (Willie) goes into the Furby Reggie got him as a prank birthday present#and well... Alex knows he should figure out how to undo it and send Willie back to Hell or wherever#but then he has to rush to hide him first before he gets caught#and then they end up chatting a fair amount over the next few days#because Alex is a world class insomniac and Willie just doesn't sleep#but Alex is kept too busy with classes and stuff to go back to the library to find the stuff to sort out the mess he's made#and if Willie knows how to do it he isn't sharing#(he totally knows but it's his first time in the human world in ages and Alex is nice and kinda cute tbh so...)#and...they become friends? And also develop massive crushes on each other?
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...
#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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Fish you are so good at building to me your the Bdubs of people I know
Pheo ;w; ty
#its odd because i generally dislike being compared to hermitcraft members#specifically when its from people who dont know me#because a lot of the time when youre being constantly compared to professional builders it can feel almost shallow as a compliment#because when random people do it theyre looking at your work and turning it into the work of another person#when its a stranger its less about what ive created and more about this other person who i may not even know#but the fact that youve been my friend and mutual for so long changes this#and also the fact that you chose bdubs as your specific link means so much to me#because hes where i get the majority of my technique and ethic from#so the compliment feels deeper#if you had said grian i probably wouldnt have been the same#partially because im pretentious as hell when it comes to him and the fact that he isnt where i draw inspiration from#and the fact that tou specified 'of the people i know' also means a lot to me#because its not putting me on any relative level compared to bdubs its just stating that my style is a sucessful reflection of sorts to his#though obv with his many years and age and technique he can build circles around me#thas not the point#on the other hand of the comparing to hc memebers thing i understand it completely#most people who see my work are very likely ti be in that fandom#and their first impression is often 'hey! this thing reminds me of other thing that i enjoy! it makes me happy!'#which is great but not really the intended purpose of the build you know#im not making it to be like other people im making it for me and to realise my creativity or whatever#i do get annoyed when people compare my jokes or my actions to youtubers though#like no sometimes things happen with unique circumstances and unique jokes#anyway not important at all#um basically pheo; thank you for this compliment it means a lot to me#i just also happen to have spent time exploring my opinions on compliments like this and how i like to be seen as an artist and this#happens to be the perfect example#and the compliment wouldnt have been as meaningful if it was coming from someone other than you#i probably looked way too deep into this but it gave me time to appreciate it#pheostag#fishasks
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sorry to ffxivlovepost always anyway Man the way the devs & game did so good in making an mc that is Basically a blank-slate for the players, and there's so many opportunities to make your oc However you like but. the game itself adds so much story and character to that blank-slate guy. amazing
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა ffxiv ໒꒱ *·˚#i think abt this a lot. and also a lot of other ffxiv stuff LMFAO#it's amazing ..... drk is a huge example of this i think#bcs it plays into the guilt and whatnot the wol feels and all that. spectacular#endwalker !!!!! shadowbringers!!! the way the game uses the concept of hope is just always so beautiful and fascinating to me#and yeah bunch of games may have like. mc you create & design but not always can you like. ehvejfhsjf idk how to explain LOL#it is 4 pm i woke up 2 hours ago but priorly woke at 7 am after havingn a rlly. weird sleep.#to which my twin told me 'i wont tell u what time it is' as we went to sleep so it def was Really late#bcs we were going thru re2 and she was also playing games on steam i've been telling her to play#(to which i got her fav characters right and knew fr how'd she'd like the game LMFAO. twins amiright.)#actually that is also smth so fascinating to me bcs. i always have had someone w me in my life. i am literally never alone.#to which what i'm getting at here is Wow... it's like having a sleepover every single day. and i was a kid always sad never to have#sleepovers bcs my parents were strict (they r cool tho!) but i was a kid who wanted to experience all the kid things#but i didn't rlly but that's fine :P i am a grateful person LOL anyway back on track back on black#ffxiv... the game that u are.....#it's the 1st game that rlly actually made me invested in the ocs of others and also make a fully fledged oc that wasn't just originally mine#but for a fandom or something. and also it got me back into writing and Into making poetry and prose so. yeah.#it's amazing how much. oc x canon ???? yeah. ffxiv is so Wow#like eveyrhhting w themis or graha and how u can AAGGGHHH shit w your oc . so many possibilities#and that character. those possibilities. are already in game but also expanded by the player and the fanbade and#idk it's so beautiful to me WHAGHSGDJDH. and yes me saying themis or graha up there is self-indukgent bcs#both of them are so Insane it's so. insane!!!!! i will never forget what happened in abyssos in particular that Broke me#and anabaseios... :)) i cried so much it is almost embarrassing. and wow. asphodelos. wverything w themis just. yeah#anyway graha... self-explanatory if u know..... idk he's the character of all time to me. simply said. but themis is crazy bcs going thru ab#yssos made me think for a bit 'hey themis might be my fav character in ffxiv now' but No but also Wow. wow#kinda cute bcs me and my twin have a thing where she has a certain type of chara she likes and me too#so sometimes. most times. all times. we have our own characters we like anyway but sometimes they overlap but either the case we kinda#lowkey 'segregate???' idk if that is a good word but we do that w our fav characters. so like emet is her fav elidibus is mine.#and that was all the way in arrr alr and we barely knew spoilers so that's kinda crazy! anyway
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ok work is done and i still think jorina dropping an entire confession on aleksi before the biggest fight they've ever been part of is good and funny bc she'd want to take it back immediately. right as the words were leaving her mouth. and i think it's fun when jorina's dying from being vulnerable
#imagine thinking you're gonna turn to ur scout pal/boss and she's gonna have that same ''let's get down to business'' expression on#bc she's had it every gd time you've ran into battle together. that's just her. it's just part of the work#instead she's looking @ you the widest eyes she's ever had and about to completely botch this whole confession thing#so many ways to go about it. the funniest one is her starting it by asking if it's serious between him and the last fling#the most left field thing to bring up as you're 10 minutes away from starting a whole siege#it's ok it'll make sense when she gets to the part about it being good it's not serious bc maybe. actually. just a little bit#may be so in love w him that it makes her physically ill but like that's fine! who said that!! that's so crazy!!!#maybe he'll be too stunned to speak and she can just fucking book it for the hills#and hope he'll forget that talk ever happened bc the combat after was so wild and thought consuming#that'll work#r: jorina & aleksi
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ben platt was so right when he said (to paraphrase) your heart can break so much that it breaks open and lets love in. that's 2023 to me baby.
#experienced Real grief and heartbreak for the first time in my life#lived alone for most of the year and really Grew Up because of it#lost the three people i was closest with and lost the person i became for them to love me (which is a good thing)#learned a lot about art and life and myself and what it means to Be Alive.#was this year objectively bad for me??? look at all my personal posts honey.#but i feel like i've Grown so much and i'm really proud of myself not Despite everything that happened but because of it#i'm not ashamed to have loved and made choices and to have been wrong about So Many Things!!! i am so young and always learning!!!#i feel like Myself for the first time in Years. and for the first time since i can remember i genuinely feel Fine.#a lot of things are bad and i have bad days (today was one of them) but!!! i am hopeful and i am Determined to survive and be happy.#i do not have to be great!!! i do not have to be good!!! i simply have to be and that is enough!!!#one thing i said this year that haunts me is when the person i was in love with told me i was being silly for having a panic attack#and i responded with 'why should i feel silly for experiencing true emotion?'. and that's just really guided me since i said it.#ANYWAYS. insane year for me. this time last year i was madly in love and denying So Much and this year i am Accepting and loving what i have#this has been the return of isaac's insane personal posts. which are happening So Much Less due to the healing but hey!! we ball!!#i love you friends who live in my phone <3 if you're still reading happy new year and may you find whatever you're searching for <3
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#i think it may be time to admit that the meds are Not Working and move on but i don't know what to do#i wanted them to work so bad#i had so much hope#i've talked to so many people for whom the difference was night and day#like suddenly they could keep up with school and get up and do things and keep their life together#and i never really thought that could happen to me but i WANTED it to like i wanted it SO BAD#and then when it didn't i hoped keeping with it would at least do something? but it's been three months and it's nothing#i can't keep up in school and i can't make myself do anything and i can't keep my life together. like at all. nothing is better.#i don't think i can go on like this. and the dr said i wouldn't have to but it isn't fucking working and i don't know what to do#my mum likes to say my brain just works differently and she's trying to be nice but she's wrong. my brain is broken. it does not work.#it sure seems like nothing is ever going to get better and it feels so helpless and hopeless and i'm really not coping#i'm geuinely scared i can't stick this out long enough to finish my degree but what else am i going to do?#vent post#delete later probably#i'll feel less miserable later. hopefully. just need to cry for a while.
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why is this having to wake me up from my sleep? this got worse so much faster. I need to shower ASAP in the morning, finish cleaning my room and charging my devices, wait for the termite guy’s 2pm inspection and leave for Cedars by 3pm. I need help now and that’s I think the fastest possible route in getting there.
#I’ve already gone to my local hospital for immediate help and they stabilized me so I may have to but that will cause so many more problems#in the long run as all my surgeons and specialists are over there and my hospital even said they don’t have the expertise to effectively#treat me in the way I deserve - ie they don’t have enough doctors let alone specialists and they could fck up the surgery#there are so many variables at play rn and my head is SPINNING#so if anyone is like why would I go to cedars atm and those are just some of the reasons#Ucla really screwed things up and although I could still go back - I know I’ll be safer at cedars based on what just happened#just wanted to throw that out there!!!! I’m pro Palestine until the end but I may need a hospital in the meantime to preform the surgery#but fck - ethics may make me go back to Ucla but I bet they donate to Israel to bc I remember as a uc student I wanted divestment then!#but omg they changed their stance at UCLA in 2023?#omg they did it 2 years after I left and still keep up w/ the boycott#these tags are me finding that news out and making the connection that my hospitalization funds any pain to a Palestinian would make life#worth living w/ out having any principle but I can’t die either but fck
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