#may and buck

[schrijverr]

Making It to Siblinghood

When May is butting heads with her mom about talking to Liala, she needs to get away from it all during family dinner. Buck seeks her out, opening up about his own suicide attempts and giving her a listening ear.

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: discussions of past suicide attempts and parental neglect

~~~

It’s during a family dinner and May is sitting away from everyone. She wants to enjoy tonight, but she can’t bring herself to stop stewing in her own emotions and she just needed to be away from it all for a bit.

However, it doesn’t appear she’ll get that, because Buck is lowering himself down next to her with a dramatized groan, holding out a lemonade for her, while he takes a sip from his own glass.

May looks at it for a second, slightly annoyed, but when Buck doesn’t make any move to leave, she takes it grudgingly. But just because she took the drink, doesn’t mean she’s up for talking, so she doesn’t say anything as she drinks.

Buck takes her standoffish attitude in stride and just sits with her in the quiet. It’s actually kind of nice and May finds herself relaxing a bit.

After what must be about ten minutes, Buck breaks the peaceful silence, asking: “So, what drew you out here?”

There it is, she thinks, heaving a sigh. “Did mom put you up to this?”

“Up to what?” Buck asks, looking genuinely confused. “Is there something going on between you two? Are you okay?”

If it were anyone else, she might not have believed them, but Buck… well, he’s Buck. He doesn’t manipulate and lie, he’s just honest and steady. So she gives him a small smile: “I’m fine.” Before she mutters: “If only everyone else would believe that.”

Buck frowns at that and she curses herself. Sure, she’s annoyed, but she wants people to not worry, getting snippy is definitely a way to make people worry. And indeed, Buck’s voice is worried when he asks: “Why would they not believe that?”

May considers the question for a moment. She could just brush it off, say she doesn’t want to talk about it. Out of everyone, Buck might be the only one who’d let her do that. Despite his stubbornness he has a great intuition and is actually capable of letting people have space, instead of being nosy.

But, it’s Buck. Telling him might be nice. She wants to talk about it with someone, but she doesn’t have many friends that talk about these things and talking to her parents is a no go. She loves the rest of the 118, but they’re all friends with her parents. Buck is too, of course, but- but he’s her big brother. He’s that nice in between of a trusted adult, but not her parents. It’ll be nice.

So, moodily she says: “I went out for coffee with Laila, the girl that nearly bullied me to suicide. She just wanted to apologize and I wanted to hear her out, but mom is being stifling about it. She always is when it comes up, every anniversary she gets like this too. The only reason she lets me even sit here by myself is because she can watch me from between those plants.”

She groans and leans back on her hands as she continues: “And I get. I get that she’s worried, but I’m an adult, I can talk to whoever I want. She always thinks I don’t know what I’m doing, that I’m going to break, but I’m fine. It was just a one off, hearing Laila out doesn’t make me want to kill myself again. I don’t understand why she won’t get that.”

Buck listens to her rant, nodding thoughtfully as he lets a silence fall between them. After a moment, he says: “I get it.”

“You do?” May asks skeptically.

He doesn’t meet her eyes, continues staring into the dark garden as he shrugs: “Yeah. For you it was just a thing. You didn’t necessarily want to die, you just wanted everything to stop for a bit and this was the only way you saw how. Now that you’re in a better place, you’re good. Maybe a bit embarrassed that you tried and you don’t want to be reminded of it, but everyone keeps reminding you of it by hovering.”

“Yeah,” May agrees, surprised. “How did you know that?”

Buck finally looks at her, his face weirdly melancholic, something she isn’t used to with Buck. He gives her a sad smile and says: “Because I tried too.”

May can feel her eyes grow wide in surprise. Due to her work as dispatch, she knows that all sorts of people can have all sorts of problems, but it just doesn’t seem to click in her brain that someone as happy and carefree as Buck could’ve ever tried. “Really?” she finds herself asking.

“Yup,” Buck shrugs as if it isn’t a big deal.

And maybe it isn’t, not to him, much like her own attempt isn’t to her. But his attempt is a big deal to her, because she almost wouldn’t have had her big brother, wouldn’t have had this piece of her family and that leaves her breathless. She is starting to see where her mom is coming from.

Emotions swirl through her and she can’t comprehend it, so she stumbles over her words: “Wh- what? Why? When?”

“When I was sixteen and when I was twenty,” Buck confesses.

“You tried twice?” May asks, concerned. Once is already worrying enough, though she can understand getting to that point, but twice means the first time wasn’t enough of a wake up call.

“Yeah,” Buck says, sounding a bit embarrassed, likely as embarrassed as she feels when people talk about it. “First time, Maddie had been gone for two years, she came to my fifteenth birthday, but Doug didn’t let her come to my sixteenth. I got upset about it. Took a bunch of pills. Not enough though. I went to bed thinking that was it, woke up the next day to my mom scolding me for missing school. Terrible headache. Got grounded because they thought I’d snuck out drink with friends.”

May just stares at him with wide eyes, but Buck doesn’t seem to notice, drifting away on memories as if he hadn’t just shared his parents missed him attempting suicide.

“Second time was after Maddie gave me the Jeep so I could run,” Buck continues on obliviously. “I was so mad she wouldn’t come with me – kind of makes me feel like a jerk in hindsight honestly – then that anger turned into upset. Tried to jump off a bridge, but it wasn’t high enough. Slept soaking wet in my car instead. Got a cold soon after. Figured it was a sign of the universe to not give up.”

She doesn’t really know what to say to that, much like she doesn’t know what she’d like her mom to do now. It’s clearly in the past for Buck, but it’s still a pretty big thing. She knows she doesn’t want the hovering, but it’s nice that someone cares. That they know. Like, yeah, sharing it at work had been awkward as hell, but having Sue or Maddie check in with her is nice. Buck doesn’t seem to have that at all.

Unable to find words, she throws her arms around him and he lets out a surprised whoosh of air as he catches her.

“Hey, Mayday, hey,” he shushes her gently, the kind of childish nickname that usually annoys her now soothing. “I’m okay.”

It’s not until he says that, that she notices she’s crying. She sniffles and buries her head in his chest, listening to his heartbeat and feeling the steady rising and falling. She gets herself under control and says: “I’m glad you’re still here, Buck.”

And she is soothed by Buck running a hand through her hair as he says: “So am I.”

They sit like that for a second, leaning on each other and watching the light polluted air of LA as they listen to the sounds of the garden and the neighborhood.

May tries to wrap her head around it. Not around trying to kill yourself. She clearly remembers how she felt. How awful it all was, feeling like her only best friend abandoned her and everyone hated her. How badly she didn’t want to go to school, because then she would have to face how alone she was and how bad she felt.

No, what she is trying to wrap her head around, is his parents not noticing. Being alone for it. She never would have gotten better without telling her parents, without reaching out.

“How did you do it?” she asks.

“Do what?”

“Keep going without telling anyone,” May clarifies. “I mean, your parents wouldn’t have grounded you if you told them what happened, right? So the fact that you did, means you never did. God knows I wouldn’t have told mom if she hadn’t found me. And the other time- You sounded alone.”

Buck winces and he replies: “I was alone, but it’s okay, really. I didn’t mean to be a downer. I actually never told anyone before.”

“You haven’t?” May asks, both horrified and honored to be the first one to hear this from him. “Not even Bobby? Or Maddie?”

“No, and I’d prefer it if you didn’t tell them either,” Buck says, looking her in the eyes and showing that he means it.

May frowns and goes to reply, but before she can, Buck says: “It’s okay to keep a secret unless it puts someone in harms way, right?” which is what her therapist and mom agreed on.

“And you’re not in harms way?” she checks.

“It’s been years, May. This is the best I’ve felt. Joining the 118 has only been up for me, despite the lows. I’m in therapy now too and I have a support system. I’m not in danger, so please don’t tell anyone,” Buck says.

“I guess,” she says after a beat, watching Buck’s frame relax slightly. Her determination to keep the secret strengthens and with more certainty, she says: “I won’t tell.”

“Thank you,” Buck gives her a proper smile for the first time since he’s sat down next to her.

Curiously, she asks: “Why did you tell me when you don’t like sharing it?” Because he sounded so casual about it, as if he told it often. She knows she sounds like that about her own attempt, but that is because she has talked about it. She definitely wasn’t like that the first time she shared.

“You seemed like you needed to hear it,” Buck shrugs, as if for him it truly is that easy. She needed to hear it, so to make her feel better, he would share it. “I mean, I can see that for you it’s not this big thing, which is why you think your mom is stifling, but it’s nice to have someone to talk about it with. Someone who won’t immediately go mama bear.”

May laughs at that and agrees: “I can use a little less mama bear, honestly.” Then she imagines Buck doing the same, how scary it was, but how he got grounded for it. Morosely she adds: “But I am grateful for her going mama bear, just a little bit.”

“I’m a little grateful for her going mama bear too, honestly,” Buck confesses in a whisper, adding a bit of comedy to it by exaggerating the whisper. It brings the smile back to her face.

Then she frowns again. “I just wish she wouldn’t smother me with it, you know. Talking to Laila isn’t the end of the world. She’s grown as a person. And so have I. I’m not a fourteen year old anymore, Buck, but mom won’t see it. She refuses to acknowledge me as an adult. Not just with this, but with everything. She’s against my job, she’s against me having this friend, she’s against me not going to college. It’s like she wants to make all the choices for me.”

“She just worries,” Buck says.

“That’s what everyone says,” May rolls her eyes. “I know she worries, but she isn’t the only one. I worry about her when she leaves to go out there on the streets, encountering god knows what. I get scared sometimes when there is a weird call and she’s the one responding. But I’m not controlling about it.”

Buck thinks about it for a second. He always considers her side, has done so even before he was an adult. She sees he does the same with Chris, Denny and Harry. She likes that about him, how seriously he has always taken them.

“I- I don’t know what it is like for a mom to find her kid like that, to go through that,” he starts after a moment. “And I know you worry too, but it’s different. You’re an adult, sure, but you’re still her kid. She still feels responsible for you. She’s not going to be rational about it.”

“Like Bobby not letting you work after your leg?” May asks.

Buck sends her a shocked look, seemingly not used to anyone picking his side in that moment of their shared lives.

“What,” she says defensively. “That was stupid. You were fine. He just felt bad, because the bomber dude was after him and he was all guilty towards you about it. I heard him and mom talk when it was happening. I can have my own opinions about it.”

“Never change, Mayday,” Buck grins, ruffling her hair.

She bats his hands away, less annoyed than she should be as she pouts: “Don’t call me that.”

“Alright, alright,” Buck concedes, before circling back. “But, yeah, like Bobby, I guess. She is going to hover.”

“Dad doesn’t hover,” May points out moodily.

“Then you should probably talk with your dad about it,” Buck suggests. “I’d love to give you the answers for that, but I can’t. I wasn’t super involved in your life back then, I don’t know what it was like for everyone. If you want to talk about the experience itself, I’m here, but you gotta figure out things with your parents yourself. Like you said, you’re an adult; you talk it out.”

“Ugh, sometimes I wish I could just slam the doors and hide out in my room instead,” May groans.

“Doing that will only prove Athena right,” Buck says, annoyingly correct.

May groans again: “Fine, I’ll talk to dad, then figure things out with mom.”

“A plan of attack, already a step in the right direction,” Buck smiles.

And she has to admit that she does feel better now that she has a plan. When she hid out here, she was mostly frustrated anger that wanted to escape, but knew that actually doing so would end in a police search that left her even more angry. Now, she doesn’t feel trapped in the stifling care, but like she has space to move. To make her own choices. She’s not the scared little girl who took a bunch of pills anymore. She’s an adult. She can talk it out.

“Thank you, Buck,” she says, hoping she sounds as sincere as she feels. “I needed that. Thank you for sharing, you didn’t have to and it made me feel better.”

“Anything for my favorite May,” he tells her affectionately, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into a side hug.

“You know that doesn’t really count when I’m the only May you’re close with,” she points out.

“Yeah, but if I said sister, Maddie would be mad and if I said Grant, your mom and Harry would be mad,” he tells her and she can’t help but feel warmth bursting through her veins at being classified as his sister.

“Well, then you’re my favorite Buck, wouldn’t want Harry getting pissy,” she smiles at him, noting how his smile gets a little brighter at that and he leans into the hug more.

She rests her head against his shoulder and looks out into the garden again. After a moment, she wonders out loud what it would be like if they could see the stars and he tells her a little about what the sky looked like in Peru and in the south where he apparently worked as a ranch hand in the middle of nowhere.

He knows a lot of space facts and sheepishly admits that Chris is doing a chapter on space in school and he got sucked in when helping him. She asks if he knows anything about the moon and if the full moon making people weird is true, because listening to him talk is soothing and she wonders if she can trust the office gossip at the dispatch center.

Their moment is interrupted by her mom calling out: “If you don’t hurry your asses inside, there’s not going to be dessert left. And it’s getting cold out there, grab a jacket. Are you two okay?”

May makes eye contact with Buck and rolls her eyes, in turn Buck gives her a sympathetic grimace of support.

“We’re fine, mom. Coming,” May calls back. “Save us a plate.”

“You’re good to go inside?” Buck asks, when May hoists herself to her feet.

“Yeah,” she smiles at him. “Feel much better now. I might even enjoy dessert despite my shadow.”

He laughs at that and smiles back: “I’m glad. And I’m always right here if you wanna talk, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you,” she says. “I’m also here if you want to talk.”

“You’re becoming a magnificent young woman, May Grant,” he informs her with pride. May has always liked being the oldest, but this feeling, this is nice.

“And don’t you forget it,” she grins.

With that, she turns to walk inside to join the rest of the family dinner. She is going to enjoy the rest of her night and not stew in her own emotions. They’re all still there, but she isn’t alone with them and having someone who gets it makes all the difference.

[kedreeva]

There's some dude (derogatory) on FB who is PISSED people are pricing their farm fresh eggs at $2 and $3 a dozen instead of $4+, saying it's "disrespectful" and "undignified" and "I'm trying to feed my kids" like Sir, you are on a Facebook group page bitching about your neighbors egg prices because your pet chickens aren't earning you a living wage and you think it's your neighbors' fault, you do not have a leg to stand on here wrt dignity.

Also half the answers are like "I give them to friends and family free" or "I donate them to food banks" or "I'm making them affordable to folks who might not otherwise be able to get them now that they're so expensive in the store" and "if you think you're going to turn a profit keeping backyard chickens you have been wildly misled" and so on, and so forth, and I'm so living for it.

and I can tell you right now, he did NOT like my answer of "if you're trying to feed your kids, I hear eggs are edible."

[mythtakens]

9-1-1 + names

[eddiediazismyhusband]

9-1-1 Tweets Part One

• other installments under the cut •

(Part Two) (Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Five) (Part Six) (Part Seven) (Part Eight) (Part Nine) (Part Ten)

[lover-of-mine]

#good thing dude said almost

[hellion-child]

some bucktommy for u 😽

[more here]

[bucketsandraincoats]

the time has come to show the world my aurora cd

its not exactly like the logo but i LOVE how it turned out!! (doing VD was stressful. but fun)

[tenebrous-academic]

The interaction we saw between Buck and Tommy was so critical in highlighting the healthiness and stability of their relationship.

Not only did Tommy recognize that Buck wasn’t okay and that he was trying to deflect with humour, he actively made space for Buck to express his emotions and talk about what was bothering him.

When Buck shared anecdotes about his family and his team, Tommy reciprocated and opened up about his own issues with his father.

Tommy actively acknowledged that he was a worse version of himself under Captain Gerrard (showing that he’s not trying to sanitize or hide his past from Buck).

Tommy is matching Buck pace for pace in this relationship, and that’s so important.

The bar may seem low, but we’ve never seen this level of equality before with Buck’s partners, not truly. Buck is always the one giving parts of himself away, the one deflecting and masking himself with humour and self-deprecation. Tommy doesn’t let that happen.

More importantly, he lets Buck dictate when he’s ready for the conversation to move on. The moment Buck turns the conversation in a flirty direction by asking about Daddy Issues, Tommy immediately notes the change of tone and rises to meet it, giving us an absolute sniper of a line “God I hope so.”

These two are in lockstep with each other. They’re still in the early stages of their relationship and getting to know each other, but the way they’re going about it is so incredibly healthy. They’re going slow, getting to know each other, and building up the anticipation with each date and moment spent together. They’re creating something special here. Something meant to last.

[meep-meep-richie]

just tommy saying evan

[until-i-set-him-free]

#SMITTEN4SMITTEN ❤️

[mattoidmeerkat]

Hen being sister-shaped

+ Aunt Hen

[theotherbuckley]

incorrect tweets pt 24/?

[triaelf9]

Hey Critters!

So, you may recognize these doodles, as I've been live doodling since the first campaign, and doing what side games and one-shots I'm able to do ^_^ I really love doing the doodles, and I hope ya'll are enjoying them too!

I'm reaching out b/c Work is getting tricky as my wife was fired from her job (along with her coworkers last year) b/c her boss got greedy (the union is currently suing him, but we're not looking to get much recompense even if we win probably), and her covid really disabled her so she's not likely to be able to get much new work. Additionally, our kiddo needs a lot of one-on-one support, so her being a stay at home mom is really something he needs at least in these first years of his life. So I'll be the sole earner for the foreseeable future, and I bet you can imagine how tough living off of comics and freelance is lol XD (for a family of 3 humans, 4 rescue cats +1 outside we're caring for best we can, and a number of hefty bills to pay ^_^;;)

So, if you enjoy my doodles (and perhaps even my other work) and want to throw some support my way, a couple bucks a month goes farther than you'd think! Or if that's not an option, shopping in my stores is great too, or even the free option of boosting my work whenever you see it, tell your friends about my comics (word of mouth is LITERALLY what works through this social media algo garbage that's hitting), etc and so on!

Apologies for the long post, but I thought I'd bump this here on my tumblr where a number of folks seem to enjoy my humble lil' doodle offerings ^_^

Thank you for reading, and I'd be ever so grateful to any boosts!

[violaobanion]

AUSTIN BUTLER and CALLUM TURNER in MASTER OF THE AIR (2024), part four

[eddiediazismyhusband]

9-1-1 Tweets Part Five

• other installments under the cut •

(Part One) (Part Two) (Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Six) (Part Seven) (Part Eight) (Part Nine) (Part Ten)

[bunjywunjy]

Have you watched Dead Sound's Dinosauria series? I feel like you might really enjoy them, they are on his YouTube

GOD YES. it's my all-time favorite dinosaur series. he really lets the animals just be their own ambassadors with natural behaviors and background music, but it will open your ribcage and rearrange your guts anyway.

if you haven't seen the series, do yourselves a favor and watch it right now