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LEVI STARTS ASMR CHANNEL??? NOT FAKE!!
(blank/betterQuality and reference under cut =w=bb)
#listen the MOMENT i saw this i knew i had to make one for levi....#its soo him cringe losercore oml#+ i think its really funny =w=b ive heard one or two of these gimmick asmr roleplays and theyre awesome#also. i dont know how i did that.#to me this not really levi bc he had to be a suave attractive male and. those things contradict MASSIVELY.#oh well =w=bb i actually suprised myself with how good it looks <33#the colours are a bit off bc i did this on my tablet and. hes a bit too orange.#but were already at having put too much energy in a shitpost so :P#sillyposting#my work#obey me#obey me leviathan
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battle tower npc TERRIFIED of my pikachu
#kiki was here#kiki.txt#kiki plays games#emerald#ribbon mastering#i want to update on the massive amount of gen 3 ive been doing#but ive been rly low energy#cause im on my period lol#soon…
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not me realizing what caused my flare up and why it hasnt gotten better 😭😭
#its my SHOES#the insoles r completely trodden down now and causing pain 😭😭😭💀#as if i can afford new ones this late in the sneakers season#i use skechers arch fit bcos theyre literally the only shoes ive tried that doesnt cause me massive pain from feet up to shoulders#and the insoles r done for now (which i feel is silly that i didnt realize sooner)#im looking @ alternative insoles for a lower price since the shoe itself is technically fine. but u cant buy the skechers insoles seperatel#(fuck u capitalism) but spending that kind of money on insoles that might not even work is also p terrifying tbh#ill see what i can do but for now im basically cuffed to the bed whenever i Dont have obligatory engagements with the irl outside world#my brain is sooooo fried i might as well be put in a medically induced coma 😭😭😭#arfids still rly bad too but tbh its easier now that i dont move a bunch? require less sustenance energy 🙃🙃😭#abyways sry for my rant. im holding out nd miss u all so so so much !!!!!!#these r the longest words ive written for a while. im surprised im so coherent rn#nohr.txt
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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adults when they discouraged me from pursuing any of my dreams because they were unrealistic when i begin to not want to do anything ever for very rational reasons: 😱
#me: i cant be a teacher for (extremely reasonable explanation that ive thought about for literal years)#them: uh but.. you need to have a job ⁉️and if you want to do it⁉️#i understand that being a teacher is way more useful to society than my first dream which was actor but still where was that energy#LOL. being 12 and being told 'good luck sleeping your way to the top' (also implying that i wasnt attractive enough either etc)#and now you wonder why i make massive lists of reasons why i cant do anything and dont tell anyone. whateverr
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guys i realized today i have so much less social anxiety now like i don't get anxious abt sending emails or texting people or whatever or like. abt random shit in general????? like i still get anxious abt Some stuff but i feel like it's more like. normal stuff. and less like if i send this email everyone will definitely hate me and blame me for everything. maybe my meds are finally working lol
#AND i have more energy#my like#executive functioning is bad#so switching tasks or starting “hard” tasks is still hard#but the bar for “hard” tasks is a little higher#and once i start i tend to be able to focus fairly well#so far#but ive only been on this new dose since like wednesday so like. less than a week lol#ALSO i didn't get massively depressed last weekend that's like. an accomplishment#like i didn't see anyone or talk to anyone very much on sunday and i felt like. a little shitty and didn't get a ton done#but i wasn't like. massively spiraling#we'll see if things keep up#wish me luck#i think if i kept feeling how ive been feeling recently i could definitely handle that
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when will my writing motivation return from the war 😭
#please i just wanna post the next chapter#or at the very least start a oneshot or do literally anything#ive been more tired than usual and i dont like that#im ALWAYS so so tired#sometimes YEAH its because im up til 3 or even 4#but ive also slept 9 hours. 12 hours. and yet ill STILL feel so tired#im too tired to do the things i want to do#and then i feel like ive just wasted my whole day :(((#how many times these past few weeks have i said im gonna get this chapter done huh? and it is NOT done#i love creating and writing but it takes so much energy sometimes :((( and i just dont have it :(((#i feel bad/down -> writing would help me feel better -> too tired/unmotivated to write -> doesnt write -> keeps feeling bad#rinse and repeat lmao#sometimes being nice to urself and waiting for the motivation doesnt work#sometimes u gotta sit at ur desk with a massive mug of coffee and say ''i will WRITE if its the last thing i fucking do''#screw quality its time to write WORDS#anyway. im making myself coffee rn. i will get through this dammit#summer post
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Dad: “You’ve never consistently walked every day how do you know it wouldn’t help?” (my chronic fatigue and perceived laziness for only doing as much as I need to and no more)
Me: “I literally walked (up the steep ass hill leading to our neighborhood) every day with 30 lbs of textbooks on my back for 7 years.”
Dad: “And you had more energy and were 100lbs lighter back then! See it works!”
like literally 1. no, I definitely did not. there’s (many) reasons I didn’t do homework and was failing every class bc of it, and a lack of energy was a big one. 2. lmao I gained like 30 lbs since I got out of high school if he really thinks it was 100 he’s deluding himself. 3. i only did all of that because i literally had no other choice. what was I going to do as someone who has a massive fear of punishment (in large part because of him), not go to school? skip class and get treated even worse? this is the man that cut off my access to running water for like 12 hours as punishment once. i can’t believe i ever thought that shit was normal
#venting about the massive fight i just had with him. get this. because i only cut enough bread for myself when he’s not even—#—eating any tonight. as if me not cutting the entire loaf into slices is some huge moral failing#‘you do the bare minimum and only ever think of yourself’ yeah ok i fixed a nice lunch for both of us today and youre gonna say that—#—not even 5 hours later huh. fuck you.#can’t tell if i wanna die or want him to die or both but I sure as hell am sick of this bullshit#doesnt help that ive been unmedicated for months now bc we lost our medi-cal. mom got a job with enough pay that it took our eligibility#which. good for her! she got insurance at that job too! proud of her.#but theyve been separated since dec 2020 and it completely screwed us bc they arent legally divorces#ill be getting on my own medi-cal soon enough (if i can muster the energy for it) cuz imd be kicked off theirs at the end of the year anyway#since i just turned 26#but yeah cant afford all those medications with only $12 in my bank. had to ask mom to pay for an inhaler cuz mine was out and i need that—#—for emergencies. cant be without an inhaler when i have an asthma attack#gonna stop now cuz im getting turbo depressed
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it's my birthday today. i'm not celebrating much due to pretty bad burnout + chronic illness flareup, but hey, at least there's a lot of snow. an easy way to cheer me up and wish me happy birthday is to check out my video essay channel or reblog this post. my art is like, one of the two things left that i truly care about despite everything, so it would mean a lot.
#ive just finished writing a massive 12k long script#and i am finally going to have money to update my equipment#there's so many things i want to be working on#and so little energy in my body
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365 Days of Writing Prompts: Day 209
Adjective: Voracious
Noun: Churchyard
Definitions for those who need/want them:
Voracious: wanting or devouring great quantities of food; having a very eager approach to an activity
Churchyard: an enclosed area surrounding a church, especially as used for burials
#so a coworker of mine that ive been having quite a few various issues with the past few months seemingly got fired today#(i cant confirm he was fired but between the phrasing of his departure email and him not putting in a two weeks it seems like he was fired)#and it honestly feels like a massive weight has been lifted off of my chest#(despite knowing we still have a long way to go in terms of inclusivity as a whole organisation but im hopeful to make changes with that)#cos i know that our clients (at least legally) are going to be getting the best help possible between me and our other legal advocate#and im hoping that now that his (honestly) oppressive energy is gone the environment at the office will be much nicer to work in#im just worried about potentially getting overwhelmed or incredibly busy cos ill have to take his existing clients#and any new ones needing help in my specific service areas cos im now the only person serving these areas#but ill handle that if it happens#i just feel like i can breathe and that ill feel a lot more comfortable being myself at work#also our supervisor has been out all week while being on vacation so she is gonna come back on monday to a real big surprise#anyway sorry for the rant#but these prompts are lowkey my diary so kind of not sorry#anyhoo back to our regularly scheduled programming#the prompt gives the feeling of the 'churchyard' (whether the church or the cemetery) pulling people or souls or corpses in to feed on#and for me there is the added theme or element of abuse through the word 'churchyard' reminding me of the song of the same name by aurora#there is just a lot to play around with here#definitely more than there appears to be on the surface#aurora#aurora aksnes#aurora music#infections of a different kind#thanks for reading#writing#writer#creative writing#writing prompt#writeblr#trying to be a writeblr at least
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ok looking at artfight is literally giving me a headache i think i should be done for today
#went thru and updated. all of my characters#separated them by story/universe#updated a few of the descriptions (i HATE writing those though so. only some of them)#and drew new things for a handful of them#but . god damn i am so tired but i still have soooo much to do#gagaughhhhg#i always do this every year im like oog ive got plany off time and then its 3 days before the event and im SCRAMBLING#sigh#I JUST WANT THEM TO OPEN EARLY TEAM REGISTRATION ALREADY. GUH#sorry guys im gonna be sooooo annnooying about my ocs for the next month. get ready#ill go back to drawing trigun when artfight is over#danny devito voice hold on im shifting into oc mode#god. i also updated my global permissions and added links to all my pinterest boards and character tags on my sideblog...#AND playlists for those that have them... fuck dude#i think this year im gonna focus on like. jus doing headshots.#bc i get into this slump of like. the mindset that Everything i make for artfight has to be perfect and#make it a huge massive piece with a background and shading and everything#but that takes sooooo much energy out of me. im gonna focus on doing a lot of little things.#i wanna draw somthing for every character i have bookmarked i think. as long as theyre on the other team#i also think i wanna try drawign more anthro/furry characters. for practice. i like drawing animals its fun#which is. fitting. for the werewolf year lmao#so. hey. if u or a friend are on team werewolf this year and want me 2 draw one of ur little guys.#no guarantee bc my energy gets soooo spotty and i want to save it for the ones i rlly wanna do#but like. im always open 2 suggestions. especially for artfight#send me ur little guys if i think theyre cool i gotchu.#man. ive been looking at my computer all day i think i am going 2 go read my book. catkiss goodnight i love you#(<< i will still be on tumblr probably. but that felt fitting.)#blahblahblah
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#managed to eat about half a sleeve of crackers with hummus and an apple with some cheese today for breakfast!!! before 4:30 pm even!!!!!#really hoping I can make breakfast/snacks right after waking up a much more common thing for me!!!!#Ive always really really struggled with eating things in the morning/right after waking up my whole life#and the past couple years it’s only gotten worse. but maybe this can be the start of a new trend for me!!!#my headmate is really not psyched about it but I am noticing how I it allowing me to continue feeling alright and good and how I have not#lost massive amounts of energy and am still completing tasks without the grinding overheated machine feeling!!!#my post
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another doodle dump!! ft scararchange, felix and paris
#doodle#2023#oc: archange#oc: felix haigh#oc: paris charlesworth#this is mostly the kind of thing ive been doing in the massive gaps between full pieces#sob...i hate art#i hate having no energy
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the dichotomy of me doing art for a living rn and my dad proudly sending ai art he brewed himself to the family chat would be infinitely more hilarious were i not sitting on a useless degree and on paper jobless about it
#however. this particular note of the image has me in hysterics#he means well but he is extremely old and has simply decided he'll die before it becomes a problem for his generation#and so theres no use in arguing with him abt it#not sending this to my art blog though this is a bit bitchy of a post tbh#.txt#ive said this before i dont have anything against ai itself outside of the massive energy costs and theft#and like. it being trained on srtists who didnt consent#like everything about it rn i am against but in a perfect world i wouldnt beef with ut as hard#but alas. the industry tightens its hold...#i should clarify i an anti ai as a whole rn i would havr less of a problem with ai art if it eas banned from the industry as a whole.#and then also trained ethically by artists who offer their art for training. not uh. not what we have rn#and im against ai as a whole as its being implemented#before people throw bricks at me#i just think it may have a place in the iterative process in theory#but again. not in practice#when it comes to like. search engines and their results. and being built into computers n phones.yadda yipyorp
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Hm i love being so tired that now im sleeping in my dreams and ive JUST has my very first dream in a dream bc my mental heath is just blegh but this is the 2nd night in a row where an unwanted entity has made itself comfy with harassing me in MY own room in my sleep and i know its an unwanted entity bc the fucker is pushing back against my energy shifts so in my dream tonight when i started dreaming i felt it come in and when i tried to make it leave it pushed back HARD and tried to paralyze me in my dream but i got up anyways and when i told someone to get rid of it for me cause im too tired to do it myself this time it let me wake up for real.
I know this is fuckin weird, but i am sensitive to energies, and talkin about it right after it happens helps me. I did accidently start ranting in the tags so i wasnt able to tag this as vent cause i reached the tag limit, srry about that.
Its midnight now anyways, whos gonna read this
#yea ive been doin bad mentally#and im rlly stressed about my health in general#which yea makes me have more nightmares#but these arent nightmares#trust me if its a stress based nightmare it wouldve been like the one i had where my mom didnt believe me about the monster#that sounds so childish described like that but it was pretty dark.#abandoned house in the middle of the woods thats just always darker than everything else and you KNOW somethings in there#cause its not in the woods#but when you tell your mom that its too dangerous she makes you go into the house anyways#or what about that dream i had where i was in a fucked up simulated ' ' 'minecraft(dream supplied word)' ' ' world#where everything is always dark and theres nothing and no one else there but monsters who wanna kill you#and not even the normal minecraft monsters#idk what to even call that thing but it was fucking massive and fucking terrifying#it was a very. hopeless feeling world. especially when i got lost in the caves and when i got into the abansoned house on that things back#and it spotted me through the windows#those are my stress fuled nightmares.#no what ive had for the past 2 days is an uninvited guest trying to MAKE me let them stay#and fuck#its kinda my own fault for falling far enough to where ive accidently let down the protective energy ive been keepin up in my room#cause i used to constantly go 'this is my room and my space it is protected and nothing without good intentions is allowed in' and i would#visualize my energy engulfing the room and pushing unwanted things out#but i havent done it in a while#and now ive been excessively tired as of late#too tired to get enough energy to protect my own room properly#and now i might not be able to sleep cause now im uncomfy (:#need to light some sage tomorrow. open my window.#its too dark#im just. tired.#im so tired.#i knew id regret thinking id let anything in for some company. but ya do the damndest things when youre lonely.
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FUCK. LIU YUNING GUEST STAR ON 毛雪汪. YOOOOOOOOO
#ive been waiting for this for like a YEAR holy shit#for context 毛雪汪 is a variety show by tencent thats like#the premise is super simple its just mao buyi snd li xueqin invite their friends to a cozy little appartment for dinner and a little chat#its honestly just really good wholesome content like you get to hear celerbrities n shit talk about their lives#like regular old friends sitting around shittalking#cuz mby and lxq both debuted from talent shows so they still have some of that like ‘just a normal guy who happens to be famous’ energy#but yeah i always thought that the 毛雪汪 format would suit lyn super well i just wasnt sure if he knew either of the hosts#but lxq is on the cast of prisoner of love and she invited him on the show!#fuck yeah!!!#(also i love the implication that lxq just goes around on sets of like shows shes in just asking any new people she meets#if they want to be on her show)#cuz 毛雪汪 is really….. cheap so the implication is that they only invite their irl friends because other people are too expensive HCJDHFJSHF#LIKE there was an episode where lxq was saying she likes bai yu a lot but when she asked their producer if they can get bai yu on 毛雪汪#she was like ‘well we can see if theres time but really your show is just poor’#btw if you watched the truth. yknow how ju taitai had a massive unexplained crush on bai sanwan? this is why
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