#many things are traumatizing and people simply do not realize that trauma is more than ''my parents/partner abused me''

[reimeichan]

So you're trying to help someone through system discovery. What to do?

Was talking to my singlet partner, who at this point has, somehow, netted 3 system partners and another highly-dissociative-but-does-not-necessarily-have-a-CDD throughout their life, about what it's like to help us through dissociation and system discovery. I honestly don't remember much of my own behavior and actions throughout my early CDD recovery journey because my dissociation was that bad, and I really appreciate them taking the time to sit down with me and talk about their experiences with me. And I figured I'd share some of their wisdom that they shared with me here, along with wisdom others have shared with me and wisdom I've managed to pick up myself.

Let the person define their experiences however they want. You can offer them example and perspective based on your own knowledge and experiences and offer up wording if they're struggling with explaining something, but avoid trying to deny or "correct" anything, especially early on.

Go slowly, and at their pace. Don't push for them to learn more about their system, don't ask them to go digging for trauma memories (please, god, please don't do this), don't force them to stay grounded for extended periods of time if they can't. Sometimes a gentle nudge here and there can be helpful, especially if you know the person well and know what their limits are or at least know what to look out for, but be careful how far you push and at the end of the day it works better to trust that they know themselves better than you do.

Accept them for who they are, yes each and all of them. Not every member of the system will be all sunshine and rainbows, some parts may even be "cringe" in some way, and especially when dealing with someone with a CDD you're almost definitely going to be dealing with traumatized parts or parts that are otherwise unpalatable in some way. If a part comes forward with an identity or experience you're unfamiliar with, give them the same love and acceptance you would any other part.

Similarly, do not push alters away simply for existing. Many people make the mistake of thinking there's a "true" personality in the system (ie. a core/original, sometimes attributed to the host alter) and thus only want to interface with that specific alter. In truth, every alter in the system is just as real as each other and it's important to treat all of them as valid.

Understand that this is probably just as if not more confusing for the system going through system discovery than it is for you. Realizing you're a system or a part of a system can cause massive identity issues and shifts in the understanding of the self. Be patient with them as they may be experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions during this time.

Check what's helpful for them or what they'd like you to do to help them through system discovery. Do they want you to help point out potential switches? Do they want you to help with grounding? Do they want help remembering things that may have gotten lost in their amnesia? Would they prefer to explore things by themselves (or with just their therapist) with little to no outside help? Every system is different and what may help one system could be detrimental to another.

Above all, take care of yourself and know your limits. Step back if things are overwhelming, set boundaries when you need to. You can be there for your loved one when you're in a better place to help them.

[glade-constellation]

I think I’m starting to realize that Nexus may be one of the most misunderstood characters in the show.

Am I a fan of Nexus? No, not really. I find him funny to watch because, besides EAPS Monty, he says the most out of pocket shit. Never know what to expect when he opens his mouth. But besides that, I just can’t find any interest in him.

That being said, I recently have been doing a deep dive of his character to prove a theory I had, which turned out to be partially canon in today’s episode. I didn’t think Nexus had the Ruin virus, I don’t think he ever had it. After watching one of the introductory episodes in EAPS, I started to theorize that Nexus became what he is purely because he is a Moon. I still think this is true, and was simply sped up by the harvesting of dark star power.

This might be a long post, so strap in.

So. Nexus. I don’t feel dramatic in saying he’s possibly one of the most hated TSAMS characters, or at least most of the fandom’s least favorite. A good bit of the fandom believed he was infected by the Ruin virus, or was just a victim of terrible story writing, because it just didn’t seem possible for him to go this far. Sure, he was deeply traumatized by Solar’s death on top of many other things, but that didn’t seem like it would turn him completely evil. I was also one of the people who believed the Infection theory, as shown by my many posts during Nexus’ corruption arc.

Funnily enough, it was Eclipse of all characters that changed my view of Nexus and who he is. During “Eclipse and Puppet meet the NEW SUN”, Eclipse makes a very big point in relating himself back to the original Moon. It’s something I remembered from Eclipse’s lore, but had never really sat down and thought over. I believe @/samoftheswamp had a post that I 100% agreed with. Eclipse has all the memories of the original Moon before the separation, but is only made up of the kill code and very small fragments of Moon coding-wise. Everything else about Eclipse in that regard was filled in by Sun. He then continued to tear apart his own coding to make Bloodmoon and Lunar. Despite all of this, due to his memories, Eclipse still very much considers himself to be the original Moon.

How does any of this relate to Nexus? Simple. The coding and memories. Despite Eclipse and Nexus being completely opposites in both of those things, Eclipse still falls in line with Moons far more than he does Suns. V4 Eclipse talks a lot about how much his old self, and even current self, acts so similar to Moons. Though he appears as a Sun, Eclipse is a Moon by emotional and psychological standards.

I would also like to point out that Solar specifically say the only reason he was different from most Eclipse’s was due to his Sun’s influence. Everything that happened to Eclipse also happened to Solar up until his Sun decided to try and help him. That means that Solar also falls under the Moon category.

Now that we’ve established who counts as a Moon, let’s get into why this is important. One thing every single Moon has had in common so far is their villain arc. Moon has had several mini ones, mostly influenced by other people. Eclipse was a villain up until very recently. Solar was almost a villain until his Sun stepped in. Killcode was a villain until his change of heart. Bloodmoon was just, a villain. Hell, even Cringe Dimension Moon went evil. And now we have Nexus.

Am I saying all Moons are destined to become villains? Yes, but no. I think all Moons have a possibility of becoming a villain, and it is their choice to be one or not. Every Moon we meet tends to go through some sort of catastrophic event that leads them to this choice. OG Moon was built with a kill code. Eclipse, Solar, KC, and Bloodmoon all were a piece of that kill code in some way, on top of other trauma in some cases. Nexus never had the kill code, but he’s been through several different instances of trauma. He literally woke up to the world under Eclipse’s rule. He also had to witness the death of someone he considered a brother in his very own arms. All of these characters have had an instance where they were able to choose between being good or evil. Solar shows that Eclipse didn’t have to be evil, his coding wasn’t fully controlling his actions. He chose to be a villain. Killcode was evil by design, but chose to become good, whereas Bloodmoon was accidentally created as a murderbot and chose to stay evil.

I really want to focus in on Eclipse and Solar real quick. A lot of these characters are antithesis of each other, but Eclipse and Solar are supposed to be the perfectly representation of “what if”. Solar’s whole existence shows that Eclipse chose the path he went on. Could he have been influenced by the kill code? Yeah, definitely. That’s totally an option. But Solar was just as corrupted by our understanding. The only reason he was able to become good was because someone stepped in. Someone treated him like a person and showed him a different way. Eclipse never had that, and ended up choosing the path of evil since that influence was never given to him.

All this to say, it is completely in character for Nexus to have chosen the path of a villain by his own volition. Moons have always been portrayed to have the ability to turn evil. It has never actually mattered what their coding is or what trauma they have been through, every Moon has had a moment where they have had to make a choice. Will they be a hero, or become the villain they were “destined” to be?

I do not think Nexus was of complete clear consciousness when making this decision. Not because of a virus or kill code, not even the dark star power he may have had a the time. It was simply his mental health. Eclipse and Solar are a perfect example of how mental health can completely change a character. Nexus’ entire life was made up of disaster after disaster, which he felt completely responsible for. When Solar died in his arms, it was his snapping point. He was standing on the edge, teetering between sanity and insanity. He felt as if his family abandoned him, on top of his already present self blame and hatred, and he fell. (It does not help that his family failed pretty spectacularly in helping him, but that is the reality of most situations like this. We as an audience were of sound mind when coming up with ways to help Nexus, but the Celestial family was not. They all had their own things to focus on, and couldn’t give Nexus the help he truly needed, despite them thinking they had. Hindsight is a bitch when it comes to scenarios such as this.)

I don’t like Nexus. The story they seem to be telling with his current character arc is the same as Bloodmoon’s, that some people just aren’t worth saving. I do not believe in this sentiment at all, and also believe Nexus could have been handled much better than he currently is. But I cannot deny that how he is acting is actually incredibly plausible. It is not out of character for him to have become what he currently is, even without outside influences. Him harvesting dark star power just happens to make his fall into insanity even more likely.

(I would like to add that none of what I just wrote was against the writers and/or actors in any way. This is a “forever” roleplay show made using VRChat on YouTube. I am in no way expecting greatness. I enjoy having Nexus and characters like EAPS Monty specifically because they play into my more out of pocket sense of humor. I would also like to reiterate that all of this is simply a theory, and how I view the characters of the show. You are completely allowed to have your own opinion! Also, if you read this whole post, thank you! Even if we don’t agree, I am grateful you put time into reading this extensive post.)

[aemiron-main]

one day st tumblr will hopefully learn that they do not in fact need to shove every character into neat little boxes and archetypes that are completely separate from eachother and cant overlap but today is not that day. some of you guys will die of shock when you realize that more than one character can be mentally ill or sad or abused in the same show and even that those characters are often paralleled to eachother. max and mike can both be depressed over different things, to different degrees, and display it in different ways and they can also have some shared stuff there too/some parallels. same goes for chrissy and mike re: eating disorders. same goes for will and henry re: sexual assault. it’s not “stealing” from another character to point out the content of the show & to demonstrate shared behaviours/parallels between characters & its not stealing for more than one character to have A Problem.

like, so many people on here are SO fixated on cramming every single character into a neat little box and getting mad over anyone pointing out overlap with other characters because then that supposedly takes away from Their Pookie’s Special Victimhood And Specialness. Will’s trauma is not lessened simply because Mike has emotions and trauma too. Max’s trauma is not lessened simply because Mike has emotions and trauma too.

And also the “mike has no trauma” takes are insane to me because even if the wheelers WERE the most supportive and emotionally healthy family ever (which they’re not), the events of season 1 ALONE were traumatizing as hell. let alone all of the other seasons. like. Some of you are so neck deep in trying to maintain your fave as being The Only Traumatized One or The Only Depressed One that you expect a literal child to be able to cope perfectly with watching people die in front of him and all of the other 517384844 horrifying things that happen in ST.

[razzberrydazz]

Neurodivergence and mental illness headcanons and analysis with the BG3 cast! All of them have trauma there's no way any of them are totally mentally well (NONE of them are mentally fully well, being an adventurer is traumatic in and of itself).

Shadowheart and Astarion both have Borderline Personality Disorder undoubtedly to me, with Shart also having an extra dose of anxiety and depression on top of that. Being kidnapped and raised in a cult and being held hostage by a vampire lord are more than traumatizing enough to cause that.

Astarion definitely has PTSD from his time with Cazador. Shadowheart, Halsin, and Durge (if the player plays as Dark Urge) definitely also have PTSD.

-My analysis for my Durge is for a different post because there is so much going on there, but know that OCD and BPD and PTSD are all strong contenders for their mental idiosyncrasies-

Gale most definitely has depression and likely comorbid Autism and ADHD.

Lae'Zel is very autistic-coded to me with her directness and perceived low empathy and struggle to understand faerunian customs - many alien type characters are autistic-coded by the nature of their 'fish out of water' character arcs. She also has anger issues galore, and trust issues, she was raised in a militaristic alien cult society there's no way she wouldn't have fucked up emotional development. She's direct and quick to anger, but I don't think she's outright Rude - others may Think she's being rude but she's not, she's being honest and saying what she thinks.

Karlach is Sooooo ADHD coded to me, she also has hella anger issues and I do not blame her one bit, as well as a moderate dose of anxiety. Someone give her a fireproof fidget toy I beg of thee.

Wyll hides his trauma and issues relatively well, but I would not say he's as well-adjusted as many assume him to be. He's self-sacrificing to the point of extreme detriment, possibly a people pleaser, I am certain he has anxiety and depression that he does his best to mask, and he may not have full blown PTSD but he definitely has trauma. I get the impression he has a low opinion of himself due to his pact and often can even be self-depreciating especially when made to look like a devil, definitely has signs of depression in him. He is such a precious man and I want to help him see that he's worth so much more than he thinks ����

Minthara, while I don't know her character as well as the others, definitely has trauma from being raised in the toxic cult of lolth-sworn drow society, greatly reduced empathy (but not non-existent) due to said cult society, is definitely a sadist, could have developed Antisocial Personality Disorder due to the way lolthite society molded her (Lolthite society raises people in a way to predispose them to having APD if you ask me, since it's built on manipulation and fear and ladder climbing on the backs of others). Despite possibly having APD due to the trauma of Lolthite society, Minthara is not incapable of love and devotion and can grow to care for tav and other party members over time, perhaps even to a fanatical level if you romance her.

Halsin has trauma that he often brushes off or downplays, he can be quite self-depreciating at times, and from my viewpoint he is hypersexual as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Definitely has self-image issues and doesn't see himself as worthy of the love and affection and positions of authority he's been placed in. Probably has depression that he works hard to mask in front of others.

Jaheira has a long history of trauma that include the events of the first two games, I would not be surprised if she has PTSD, but overall she is pretty well adjusted all things considered. She has trust issues but I don't blame her, she has justification.

Minsc is hilarious, that man has autism I am convinced, he has trauma but I'm not sure if he realizes his trauma is indeed trauma and not simply a mild inconvenience in his life. Either none of his trauma is processed as such in his brain so he is genuinely that happy-go-lucky, or that jovial attitude is a mask. Boo is...Boo. I do not know the inner machinations of a miniature giant space hamster.

If anyone in the game is a Narcissist, it's Orin the Red (NPD does not make one inherently abusive or evil of course, no personality disorder or mental illness makes anyone inherently bad, Orin just happens to embody many of its traits to the extreme and has the traumatic upbringing to cause it). Her story is so tragic to me, she wants so badly for Bhaal to love her, she wants the admiration and affection of the god of murder so bad and she doesn't care if that means killing the entire world. She's incredibly tragic, she doesn't realize she's as traumatized as she is because it got channeled into her mask of self-importance and lack of empathy extreme sadism and want for admiration from Bhaal specifically. If it was possible to if not redeem her, at least spare her from death and break her out of her cult mindset, I would do it in a heartbeat. I love Orin as a character so much.

Gortash could be APD, but I think he fits Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder more. His want for control, for order, under the tyranny of Bane, to wrench control and revenge for the childhood he was robbed of, it's very fitting. He's distrustful and known for deceit but his ride or dieness with Durge and willingness to Risk It All for Tav is endearing to me, and could be him manipulating or simply be that he does in fact see teaming up with Tav as the best course of action for him to maintain his control. I'm biased I know, I like Gortash too much.

Ketheric is spiteful and traumatized from the death of his wife and daughter and the cult he imbedded himself in yes, but he takes it to an extreme in his lashing out from his grief. I don't think he's antisocial or narcissistic, I mainly think he's depressed and a victim of a sunk-cost fallacy taken way too far. He committed to the bit until the very end.

If anyone else could possibly have APD or NPD, I think it'd be the Emperor, but I also feel the mental quirks of being a mindflayer predispose someone to being manipulative and self-agrandizing. He is a Very sly and effective manipulator, and even though overall he has the common goal as the player and protects them from death and transforming into a mind flayer for the majority of the game, he is ultimately doing it for his own aims. He hid the truth of Orpheus and his own form for most of the game, because he was so distrustful of Tav that he believed they would never trust him otherwise - which he can't actually know as true or not. Unfortunately for him I chose saving Orpheus and helping Lae'Zel over helping him because his history of manipulation and omition of information caught up to him and caused the very distrust he wanted to avoid. He is a great morally grey/dubious character who can be both loved and loathed for his antics.

Dame Aylin and Isobel definitely have trauma if not PTSD, and Aylin probably is autistic.

Listen what I'm saying is autistic people have a surprisingly high level of charisma and they and other neurospicy people congregate together to make some delicious neurospicy food.

Those are all the characters I have thoughts about for the moment, and these are my headcanons more than anything, so don't take this too seriously.

[coastxlwaters]

(Not part of the knowledge au since I haven’t rewatched all the episodes yet since I keep zoning out midway)

Tw: depression, talk of trauma, denial,, mental health, coping mechanisms, and slight vents (mine)

More theories since my iPad is getting fixed and I need a little vent time as well.

I see so many people make Eclipse seems depressed, nothing is wrong with that, but I also notice many people think if you experience trauma and are still affected by it your depressed. Since I have gone through similar things but not on the scale of eclipse obviously, think I would be dead if I had, I can relate to him in some aspects and then go from there to figure out how is feeling in some of those moments. I am getting the feeling that the whole memory thing isn’t faulty coding or reuploading. He is still missing things that were pretty obvious throughout the backup and original. Even if ruin was rushed he doesn’t strike me as the type of guy to leave a project half finished. Now since it’s proven that the human brain will block out most traumatic memories you have (other than huge ones that leave gigantic scars on mental or physical health) and since the animatronic mind works so similar it seems like Eclipse’s code is trying to replicate that inside eclipse. Basically trying to deny the fact he had the amount of trauma build up he had so he DOESN’T get depressed.The chronic pains and (maybe headaches?) could be his animatronic body fighting back against what his memory storage is trying to do which could end up damaging his systems in one way or another. So basically he is in denial. This could be me simply reading into things too much or projecting and not realizing it but in my head it is a valid theory, if you would like to add on or simply tell me I am wrong reeling it with your concerns attached I will read them even if it is yelling at me for maybe projecting, your reasons and thoughts are valid to me since it’s clear TSAMS doesn’t like us projecting.

Some more while I’m at it, his trauma was always put down by somebody every time it was slightly brought up. This pained me every time I saw it since when I started watching this show, which was basically when it started, I had the same thing happen to me. Though it didn’t happen very often since no one really on the show talked about it much. I think the reason I read into characters so much is because I have went through many different versions of trauma that most people shouldn’t or wouldn’t have at the age I started receiving it.

[bobafett51]

TW: Assault and mental Health

Dealing with and identifying abusers as somebody with Autism is so difficult. And it's a lesson I keep getting reminded of constantly.

I'm so tired. I have been so tired, my whole life. I spent my whole life dissociating without even realizing until a couple months ago. Before I was diagnosed with Autism, nearly every time I had a meltdown or shutdown I would respond by dissociating. Every time something would trigger a past trauma that I was unable to identify I would just simply disassociate. And because I pushed myself so hard every day, and because there were so many things in the past that have traumatized me, I would disassociate almost every day. Disassociation became the norm for me. So much so that I have a hard time remembering that it is not normal.

Building on this, like everyone with Autism can attest to, life is very uncomfortable for me. The world was not build for us in mind, so nearly all the world makes us uncomfortable. What is really hard is identifying a normal level of uncomfortable I have to learn to cope with is (like there being multiple conversations in the same room) and a bad level of uncomfortable (like a "friend" constantly groping me unwantedly).

I had a "friend" who kept groping me, putting his hand under my shirt and feeling my muscles, grabbing my ass, moving his hands around my crotch area, and grabbing my arms. And every time he did it I would dissociate and I would get triggered as memories of past sexual traumas would flood into my brain. But because I'm so used to dissociation, being uncomfortable, and getting triggered I did not realize that this was a bad level of uncomfortable. It was not until this "friend" assaulted another one of my other friends that I realized my "friend's" behavior was so wrong. And I am just so frustrated that it still takes so much for me to realize when someone else's behavior is so out of line. I have a "friend" who constantly sexually assaulted me and the part I am most frustrated about is how long it took me to realize it. That is just so fucked up to me and it just makes me even more frustrated.

But it's partly because this kind of stuff happens to me all of the time. Almost twice a month, someone is groping me, definitionally assaulting me. It just makes me wonder if I'm the one doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Like is there something about me that makes people want to do that to me? Do I accidentally communicate that I want people to touch me? I get that I'm muscular, that I'm attractive, but like does this happen to other men? Why can't I go out without someone grabbing my ass or my crotch or shoving my hand in a sexual area?

I will heal from this. This is far from the worst thing I have gone through. And honestly, I identified this abuse faster than my prior ones. It's just so frustrating seeing how much more growth I have to do. How much more I have to learn. I usually love the opportunity and knowledge that I have more room to grow and more stuff to learn. But when it comes to this, I just wish I didn't have any more growth to do. I wish I could just identify abusers quicker, I could have avoided so much pain and trauma if I could.

At times like this I have to keep in mind that I will be healed and forgiven. James 5:15. It will work out. My next post will be about a moment of sexual healing to counteract this one.

[biblioflyer]

A Marvelsous Film: Review & Analysis

I wound up being enormously pleased with The Marvels. Much of what I had on my wishlist for a Captain Marvel sequel was satisfied.

Three core things I had in mind for the character were transitioning away organically from the “cold” and traumatized Kree super soldier, to be presented with a challenge that couldn’t be dealt with simply by punching her way through it, and to be more firmly embedded into the MCU as a leader and team player.

A Problem That Can’t be Punched Until it Goes Away

As I’ve discussed previously, Carol has the Superman problem. Which is how do you tell a story about someone who is functionally invulnerable in a convincing way? 

The Marvels solves that problem by making Carol’s power something of a liability and giving her a couple of teammates, including one very enthusiastic but in over her head teenage sidekick. It also presents Carol with the classic Marvel superhero growing pains: superpowers don’t come with superwisdom.

I think it was a nice balancing act to acknowledge that time had passed so naturally Captain Marvel should not be precisely the same person she was when she first broke free of her Kree conditioning. However, a complete personality reversal would be confusing and jarring for audiences even if it would make sense.

The film also had to address where Carol had been all this time, including multiple instances of the world being in grave danger. So it solved the personality issue and the timeline concerns with one answer: overwork through guilt.

Carol used her newfound powers impulsively and it all went horribly wrong. There’s something of a parallel there to explore as well. When freed of their subordination to the Supreme Intelligence, the Kree also found themselves not really knowing what to do with their freedom and using violence to resolve social tensions because that’s what they’d been conditioned to do.

Now the temptation might arise to ask the question, “Well what did Carol think was going to happen?”

Keep in mind that Carol was abducted by space aliens in the 90s. A time of innocence and naive optimism about geopolitics. A time when it was a lot easier to blame sociopathic tyrants for the problems of their societies and Carol was presumably busy in space trying to find a new home for the Skrulls, getting into political marriages, and rescuing space kittens from space trees while the United States was accumulating the many, many years of painful experience with what comes next after a tyrant is deposed with no realistic plan for rebuilding.

Turns out the experience of being under a tyrant leaves a mark on a society that doesn’t resolve itself in a day. It can also be somewhat problematic to be processing that trauma and learning how to exercise personal autonomy without automatically feeling existentially threatened by someone who is exercising their autonomy while there’s a bunch of unaccounted for weapons floating around in your previously highly militarized society.

There’s a little bit of Francis Fukuyama in Carol Danvers. But only a little. Unlike Fukuyama, Carol realizes her mistake and is desperate to find a way to fix it, rather than refusing to admit her instincts might have been a bit off.

I’d like to think there’s a not so subtle bit of symbolism in the resolution to the Kree arc too. Using overwhelming force without wisdom perpetuates suffering and violence. However, with vast power also comes the ability to create and heal rather than merely destroy. Utilizing power in this way does require compassion and imagination. 

Compassion is key because the Kree had long ago stopped being a credible threat to Carol, at least until one of them got magic bangles. Recognizing this isn’t straightforward though! 

When people react poorly to you wherever you happen to be, it definitely seems threatening! So one might imagine it was a challenge for Carol to stop acting reflexively, and start thinking about longer-term solutions than simply punching her way through yet another Kree platoon and another and another.

Coming Out of My Cage and Doing Just Fine

That was probably the stuff most worth spending a lot of words on. The rest is just scattered stuff I appreciated.

Since I was just on the subject of breaking cycles of violence, let's talk about the Asgardians welcoming the Skrulls for a moment.

Talk about a heel-to-hero turn. Under Odin in prehistory, Asgard was a brutal conqueror with Hela as its weapon of mass destruction. In the modern era, it seemed to have adopted a posture of guarantor of security for at least the Nine Realms, a responsibility Loki 1.0 was not overly attentive to.

Post Ragnarok, what we’ve learned between Love and Thunder and now The Marvels is that the remnant of Asgard appears to be a refuge for interstellar and interdimensional diasporas. No doubt in a Post-Secret Invasion world with its apparent Skrull pogrom, this may wind up being a bit contentious.

I do hope we get a scene of King Valkyrie delivering some Leonidas-style dialogue along the lines of “come and take them” except, y’know, this time in service to protecting refugees instead of not even slightly veiled Western chauvinism. At least in 300. Although even the history of the Persian War is complicated by some Greek city-states fighting alongside the Persians, I digress.

No doubt ships aplenty were launched by Valkyrie's tenderness towards Carol. Perhaps a small bit of consolation for the fans after Jane Foster x Valkyrie didn’t happen and then further complicated by Foster being a little dead.

Shipping ain’t really my scene, but this is one I could definitely nod along with on account of how well the characters and their histories mesh. It does make one wonder if Valkyrie was one of those unnamed people who were part of Carol’s crew prior to The Marvels. It's fun to think about at least. We know Valkyrie wasn’t blipped so she could have spent some time running around as Asgard’s representative helping Carol put out fires. It's a bit harder to imagine Scrapper 142 era Valkyrie and Captain Marvel getting along quite so well and it's implied (explicitly stated even?) that Sakaar is extremely difficult to leave, although that too is not beyond consideration.

Never Meet Your Heroes, Unless You’re a Relentless Cinnamon Bun

Cards on the table, I’ve never been a big fan of the YA genre as literature, TV, or movies. Even when I was a teen / young adult, I found stuff that was explicitly oriented towards that audience and heavily featured characters in that demographic to be almost unwatchable by virtue of just how much the genre relies on “relatable” themes like love triangles, profound awkwardness, and other teen story “cliches.” I’m not saying I was too cool for these things to reflect my own reality, if anything it was my own awkwardness that made it challenging to watch or read about these themes and still does up to a point.

Kamala Khan did win me over in the Ms. Marvel series in spite of a bit of curmudgeonly skepticism going in. Yes, it did cringe family drama and super cringe romantic triangle cliches, but with enough warmth and charisma that it disarmed me.

So I was definitely anticipating what it would be like when Kamala Khan actually got to meet her idol. And it did not disappoint!

It didn’t disappoint in the sense that Iman Vellani continued to embody the hysterical starstruck superfan magnificently (and kudos to her and her snark about Filoni calling the MCU Earth 616.) 

Yet when called for, the character was able to set aside fandom and embrace (literally) her idol not as a specimen of perfection, but as a flawed, insecure human being who kind of needed someone to see her for a whole person rather than The Annihilator or a glowing weapon to use against Earth’s enemies. Which feels like an allegory for the real-life fandom’s relationship with the characters and creative processes involved in the MCU.

This, when taken along with working through the uncomfortable reunion with Monica, serves to complete the next phase of Carol’s arc begun in Captain Marvel. I had a suspicion that this would be the case: that Carol being forced to rely on others would break through the trust issues and reserve. It’s absolutely a trope but it's not a bad trope when well executed.

My only real complaint with this aspect of the story is that it felt like Rambeau didn’t have all that many scenes to herself. Vellani is a natural scene-stealer and that is in a sense what Ms. Marvel is there for: to be the comic relief that wouldn’t be a natural fit for Monica or Carol and to keep the story from becoming too much of a downer.

A curmudgeonly opinion might say that Ms. Marvel’s relentless bubbliness steps all over the emotional labor that is owed to repair the relationship between Monica and Carol, but just the same I can see an alternate cut where the film just becomes too angsty. 

So I’m glad in the end that Carol and Monica are reasonable people able to take responsibility, in Carol’s case, and recognize that there’s a person who is carrying literally astronomical burdens with all too human shoulders, in Monica’s case but also mirroring to some degree Kamala. In the end, it seems like Kamala and Monica wind up with a better relationship with Carol for having recognized that Captain Marvel, symbol, has limitations that are invisible when one is only seeing the raw power at her command.

The Child Soldier Elephant in the Room

Remember when I said the YA genre makes me uncomfortable most of the time? Young Avengers, conceptually, is one of those times.

I’m cautiously optimistic though. There has been some self-awareness demonstrated throughout the MCU that teen superheroes are a bit of an ethical conundrum. On a meta level - the Doylist perspective if you will, teen superheroes are all about wish fulfillment. The desire of everyone at every age but especially as a teen / young adult is fierce to feel empowered to Make a Difference. 

Disempowerment wounds every soul but no soul feels it as acutely as the young who haven’t built up scar tissue and cynicism accumulated through the frustration and disappointment of trying to grab hold of complex systems with a lot of inertia and bend them to your will.

So far be it from me to poo poo the idea that young adults should be denied their inspiration and wish fulfillment stories. Star Trek after all is, when it's at its best, wish fulfillment for intellectually curious humanist adults and I reserve the right to raise hell every time cynicism and pessimism intrude on my dopamine supply!

Narratively though, I do think it would be irresponsible to not acknowledge the moral complexities of child superheroes.

So far, there has been a relatively decent attempt to walk the tightrope. To try to meet the needs of the narrative while not putting too thick of a whitewash on the realities.

Intriguingly enough, in Spider-Man Far From Home, it's the villain who points out the obvious: it's not fair for Peter to be carrying the weight of the responsibility “Fury” (Talos) is placing on him.

Clint also repeatedly tries to keep Kate Bishop from getting roped any further into his problems using similar arguments, but also out of an understandable desire to keep his failures and problems from being someone else’s to clean up.

So what does this have to do with The Marvels?

Spoiler alert! The mid-credits scene is an amusing callback to Nick Fury’s visit to Tony Stark at the end of Iron Man to talk about the Avengers Initiative. To be frank, knowing what I know about Iman Vellani, if you told me she wrote this scene herself, I’d believe you.

Anyway, she ambushes Kate Bishop to pitch her, with barely restrained enthusiasm, about forming a team of “child” superheroes. Kate wryly observes that she’s 23 but she gets the point and seems receptive.

So my idea to try to keep this from going too off the rails would be for the Young Avengers to be more of a training cadre to help young “enhanced” to master their abilities rather than an active superhero team. They would naturally find themselves in a situation where the “adult” superheroes are unavailable to solve a problem in a timely manner.

Kind of like the conceit that Charles Xavier’s School for the Gifted is in fact a school and not a training ground for child soldiers, Young Avengers rightfully should not feature the likes of Nick Fury intentionally sending the Young Avengers into harm’s way except as a last resort.

Having said that, I am now looking forward to it in a way I really wasn’t before because I now feel that Iman Vellani absolutely can carry a film, especially with strong personalities like Hailee Steinfeld to play off of. I’m still crossing my fingers for Kid Loki to make an appearance too.

[dairy-farmer]

Hi, this might be kind of a dumb question, but would you ever write about sasuke as tim drake again? Ever since I read "heroes come back," I've been pondering what Sasuke's relationship with the batfam would be, especially after dropping the "I've learnt my lesson about following strange men who offer me things in exchange for my body" line. And how your Sasuke!Tim lines up with the Tim you write about and in what ways that changes his relationships, and in what ways it doesn't.

not a dumb question at all!!!!! i have a fondness for all my fics including this one which i consider to be one of the most 'out there' concepts simply because of the whole crossover mashup haha!!

unfortunately i don't have any real or concrete plans about a continuation but there is a big door open for lots of possibilities that i never put down!!! simply because i couldn't find a way to incorporate them.

i do feel like sasuke's relationship is a lot like canon tim's- in that it's very unique in the nature of it.

by the time that sasuke aka "tim" comes into their lives he's had about a decade to really grind down and process A LOT of the trauma he carried over from his last life. (tim's therapists know that tim is traumatized from the events he witnessed as a child and they know that healing is slow but tim also presents with a lot of neuroses- anxiety, antisocial tendencies, paranoia, ptsd. sasuke's issues run deep and i think they pick up on it). sasuke, for the most part, died untreated from a lot of what he suffered and endured. in fact, it's the reason for his death because he never truly allowed himself to open up and let others in. when he's reborn and realizes he's on his own it's sort of the kick in the ass he's always needed to begin the journey to get better (along with the fact that the world he's in now has the facilities to help treat someone like him, i imagine that bruce has been petitioning for better mental health safety nets (especially ones for children) for a long time and sasuke is one of the many people to now benefit from it). sasuke in this verse truly does want to heal and get better and his relationships reflect that.

his relationship with the bats isn't quite strained, there's no coldness between them. but it took a while to get to the familiarity level of comfort. sasuke first respects them and their work and comes to genuinely love and care for them second. but it's his decade of work that ultimately helps him let them in and bond with them as a family through that also takes a while it's what allows him to be 'friendly' enough to befriend young justice. sasuke isn't good at things like socializing or interpersonal things but that's okay because batman isn't either and dick is more than willing to bare the burden of carrying on a conversation with his new little brother. but i feel like their road definitely is a long one because sasuke comes to them incredibly independent.

sasuke has still maintained his internalized maturity as an adult even though he has the mental processing and reactions of a teenager. sasuke is someone who was only ever responsible for himself and when in a team he was always the commander or the one directly under the commander. he definitely is set in his ways like an old man (read: like bruce lol). and while he admired the work bruce did he also had a...bit of a hard time adapting to it. ninja, i believe, kind of have an honor code when it comes to civilians. like only the worst kind of ninja throw their weight around with civilians and sasuke, who is still recovering from poor self-image and self-hatred, wouldn't really feel comfortable doing it. hence him adapting 'civilian' styles of fighting when dealing with most people, fighting like how he'd see farmers in disputes or bar owners would with drunks. the bats see that as him not really wanting to hurt people- until the opponent is someone clearly trained or a threat well then the gloves come off.

sasuke is definitely not fighting at the level he did before though. mainly because of differences in his body's muscle-skeletal structure but also there's no chakra present in the world. sasuke could be thrown through a wall as a genin and yeah it would hurt but he'd live. if that happened to him as robin he'd just die. his bones would break, organs would rupture- chakra provided a kind of padding to protect from hits but also help him hit harder. sasuke also notes how his perception is slower. the closest that a 'normal' person has to ninja perception is deadshot- like that's the level that the lowest ranking genin was at. so sasuke is definitely experiencing a big power descale. as a result he'd rely really heavily on techniques he's mastered, espionage, trap laying, etc. like tim, he's definitely not the strongest or fastest on the team- he has to plan ahead and outsmart many of his opponents, pulling trump cards and tricks. i had this idea that never ended up in the fic about the family catching tim constantly working at a kind of 'signature move' where he'd throw batarangs and then try to change their trajectory while they were still in the air- a trick notably developed by itachi that i believe sasuke had once asked him to teach him (?) but he never did. so sasuke is reverse engineering it as a kind of homage to his brother, eventually, he's successful and it becomes sort of quirk about his fighting style that's recognizable along with his bostaff.

among the bats sasuke is a very quiet and patient person, that anger that he'd had all his past life has more or less simmered down (which is why his 'rivalry' with damian isn't met with mutual aggression and more annoyance from his end when damian gets mouthy). which is different from tim who you can see on occasion has bouts of anger. he's also remarkably forgiving because he's developed more empathy for people- something that tim also had.

sasuke also has a policy of never referring to wanted people by their 'monikers' slash villain names. on one hand, because one of his therapists had told them that it just reinforces then delusions of grandeur many villains have but also i imagine it's mostly a cultural reason. as a ninja only specific people got monikers and it was never for a good reason (usually it meant they had killed a lot of people or because of some bad notable trait about them ). ex. the white fang, sharingan kakashi, friend killer kakashi, the legendary sucker, the yellow flash. using someone's moniker means you know them solely by reputation and are lending them a degree of respect by acknowledging that the other person is well known. sasuke does not want to offer that kind of respect, inadvertent or not. i imagine it really annoys some of the rogues. especially joker and deathstroke (i had a funny scene where sasuke was going to refer to harley and poison ivy as dr. quinzel and dr. isley and then joker as just 'jack' but i never managed to find a way to work it in).

for deathstroke it just irritates him because he feels like he's fighting one of joey's little league friends because sasuke keeps referring to him as mr. wilson. for other rogues they all kind of pause the first time it happens a few of them even freak out because they realize that sasuke knows their secret identity. sasuke's family all just accept that it's a weird little quirk of his

ultimatly i think that sasuke has a pretty good relationship with his family, not really any better or worse than canon tim's but it's one that sasuke never really managed to have before which is the biggest change for him.

but that doesn't mean he shares every part of himself with his family. sasuke at first thought that maybe one of the many magical, psychic, or telepathic people would be able to sense he doesn't belong, that he's not "from" their universe. it was a quiet sort of fear he had because he'd grown to love this life. but he gets reassured that he belongs because no one detects anything off about him. once while he was alone with martian manhunter he'd asked him to read his mind and tell him what he was thinking of. sasuke tried showing him his old life, his old home, his family but martian manhunter had just told him that he wasn't thinking of anything. it's like the tradeoff of being in this new life was that his old one was no longer congruent with reality.

i definitely feel like sasuke struggles with that for awhile. that he's the only one that can continue to remember or mourn that world. so he tries his best to bring in and incorporate parts of that past to his new life. using recipes kakashi taught him to soothe his summons, using moves rock lee taught him, tracking techniques he'd seen kiba use, herbal medicines that sakura had developed, etc.

but despite all the healing that sasuke experienced i feel like there's a few things that cause him real distress. one of those is orochimaru. i don't fully agree with how naruto ended with regard to orochimaru, out of all characters i don't believe he deserved a redemption arc. sasuke's time with him in this verse was a lot darker than it was in naruto. his line of "i've learnt my lesson about following strange men who offer me things in exchange for my body" was definitely a thinly veiled admission of what he'd endured under orochimaru. that is that sasuke endured an unspoken sexual abuse or coercion under orochimaru. maybe orochimaru rewarded sasuke the same way he did many other officers by letting him (read: making him) engage in sexual relations because orochimaru views people the same way he does lab rats (the viewing people as lab rats is also why sasuke despises scarecrow because he reminds him too much of orochimaru's experimental nature) and that meant that his rewards for performing well were limited to food and copulation opportunities. there's this really great sasuke time travel fic that i highly recommmend that goes more into the sexual abuse trauma sasuke endured under orochimaru because it's a take that i've only ever seen one other time and it was that fic.

jason definitely does worry and deliberate over telling someone but sasuke had told him he was getting better. ultimately he decides to tell bruce about it and sasuke i think would hit a bit of a rough patch because this wasn't something he'd ever brought up in therapy or truly processed- hence his big reaction over the fear gas when "orochimaru" appeared. it's this that catalyzes sasuke confessing what occurred over the year he went looking for bruce and also about what had happened to him with orochimaru though sasuke refuses to acknowledge his name because sasuke doesn't want orochimaru to have the dignity of also existing in this new world.

ultimately i think sasuke settles in more. he has the realization about his sexuality he never had in his old life and basically just lives a fulfilling with his family that he finally let in. beyond this i'm afraid i don't really have much more inspiration but thank you so much for your interest!! i'm happy you enjoyed my weird little fic about sasuke being reborn as tim!!!

[squidcourse]

I don't know much about syscourse/syscorce and I want to educate myself ob all sides of the argument! So if you wanted, please tell me why endogenic systems are bad? Genuinely asking and not a troll!! /gen /just looking to be informed (this ask is /nf ofc btw so no pressure to respond)

I don't mind answering this, but I might miss some stuff as this is a broad topic, so feel free to ask further questions.

Well first, you have to understand what a system is. Very basically, a system is someone with a complex dissociative disorder (cdd). Most commonly this is someone with dissociative identity disorder (did) or otherwise specified dissociative disorder (osdd). Being a system is caused through repeated childhood trauma, and results in the brain creating more than one identity instead of just one (alters). These different alters will "front" during different periods of life, developing different personalities, interests, and holding different memories. There's a lot of variation in what kinds of amnesia are experienced, what kind of alters there are, how alters are able to switch or communicate, etc. It varies from person to person. Different things like when the trauma started or how often it happened or just how that person's brain reacted as a child will affect how the system presents itself.

"Endogenic systems" refers to those who claim to have formed a system without trauma. They are supposedly "non-diordered." This is not possible, and there is no research to back up the idea that a system can form without trauma. There have been attempts to prove that this is possible, in an effort to discredit trauma survivors, however it has been found time and time again that trauma is required to create a system.

The nature of CDDs is that they are covert disorders meant to repress trauma in an effort to survive a difficult childhood. It can take a long time to realize that you even have a system, never mind the trauma that caused it. It's not uncommon for systems to claim to be endogenic before realizing that they are not. It seems appealing in a way. You've got this confusing stuff in your head, and here's a community that's going to tell you nothing is wrong. This leads to a lot of denial. It doesn't help that the Endogenic community is always making up random "origins" for systems that could be anything. Sometimes this leads to people claiming that they're not a system because of trauma, they're a system because [insert trauma] because they're in denial about it, and they're stuck in a community saying that you can exist with a whole system in your head without anything being wrong.

More often though, endogenics simply think that being a system is fun. They think it's like "having friends in your head" like this is some kind of game. They will steal terms from CDDs that originally represented a trauma response or a serious concept, and turn it into something fun and nonsensical. Endos at large are a mockery of real systems. They often compare something that is quite literally a trauma response that comes hand in hand with PTSD to being transgender. There is no comparing the two topics, however endos often do this, seemingly only for fun to create alter origins like they're xenogenders. It is completely absurd, and largely considered to be transphobic as it compares being transgender to a disorder, and treats a trauma response like a fun expression of self.

Endos will often try to participate in system spaces, inserting their frivolous roleplay into spaces for trauma survivors. They will misrepresent research to try and make themselves seem "legitimate" for some reason. They want the "fun" of different aesthetics and personas while also trying to compare themselves to victims of severe child abuse.

A big part of the problem is that a lot of people don't seem to understand abuse and trauma. So many people just do not understand what it is like to be abused, or to go through something traumatic, and it's not really something people like talking about.

If endos didn't try to compare themselves to trauma survivors, and didn't frequently spread misinformation about disorders, I doubt there would be as much of an issue, actually fuck that. I would still kind of be pissed off about them. It's so stupid when endos claim to have persecutors or whatever. Like why? So you can be edgy? It's such a mockery of what I go through, what a lot of people go through. The reality of being a system is not being able to trust your memory. It's not being able to trust anyone around you. Its irrational fears and outbursts. It's constantly feeling like you're in danger. Its a fucked up personification of PTSD. It is not something to base stupid ass roleplay off of. I hate endos. Sure, some of them are probably real systems in denial. But regardless, they spread misinformation, they've been known to harass real systems with their bullshit.

I don't like endos.

[xx-slug-xx]

I like Starrbarr's carrd about the proship vs. antiship debocle but I disagree with her on giving Antis the benefit of the doubt.

How many people have been hurt by antis? how many harassed, doxxed, how many minors? I agree that proshippers harassing antis is fucked, but antis do it FAR MORE and are far, far more cruel. They HAVE been really hypocritical and cult-like and monolithic; far, FAR more than I think this person realizes- do WE really owe the chance to be heard out to antis when antis have done nothing but hurt people? over stuff that doesn't exist?

I know several people in proship spaces that are traumatized over Antishippers, and they have the RIGHT to be traumatized, they have the right to be MAD, to not want to give antis "the benefit of the doubt" EVER.

if Antis have the right to their trauma, WE should have the right to our trauma too.

Sorry that I got to this ask a bit late! But, honestly, to some extent, I agree with the "benifit of the doubt" thing! But I also agree with you as well, anon!

I have seen my fair share of antis being horrible people. Both to me and toward others. Yes, people have more than the right to be upset about this. People also have the right to avoid anyone who uses the "antiship" label or who has "proship dni" in their bios. However, not all antis are out there doxxing and harassing proshippers. I've known a lot of antis who simply use the label because they don't want to be harassed by true antis. For a large number of antis, they simply don't want to be associated with "problematic fiction". Is this part of the problem, yes absolutely, and it does help perpetuate the harassment toward proshippers, whether they like "problematic fiction" or not. But the difference is that these guys aren't doing so with any sort of malicious intent. They are just protecting themselves, and they have the right to. True antis have ruined the internet and fandom for everyone, and this is a great example.

I also want to add that there are a lot of antis who don't actually know what proship means at all. Just that they think it means "people who like lolisho". Does this mean that they have an excuse to harass people? Absolutely not. But misinformation spreads like wildfire, and people are more likely to use the "antiship" label as a way to simply say "I don't like lolisho". The problem lays in the fact that no anti has the same definition for proship :/ It changes depending on who you ask. Some say it means you like lolisho, some say it means you like incest, some say it means you like rape, and some say it means all three, and then some. Antis aren't organized and can't agree on anything. Even the label "antiship" can mean a whole hell of a lot of different things. Most proshippers say that antiship means "people who are pro-censorship and pro-harassment", and there are absolute antis who use the label as such. But when misinformation about what both proship and antiship are spread around, they won't use the antiship label how it's historically and contextually meant to be used.

Anyone who hassles people though isn't cool in my book. I feel like I am with you on that one, anon. No proshipper should feel obligated to inform someone who is spreading libel against them what "the true meaning of proship is". When you have bullies, you don't need to show them love and compassion. It's your choice. You don't need to turn the other cheek and show people mercy when they want you dead. People like that don't care how "nice" you are or not. They are the kinds of people who don't care about the actual meanings behind the words they are using. They care about how fun it is to harass people on the internet. These are true antis.

[ina-nis]

Regarding romance, you don't want to be in a loveless relationship; you don't want someone to change for you; you don't want someone to change the way they love or view relationships because of you; you don't want to ask for things they cannot give you; you don't want to make them choose whether they're willing to prioritize you, the relationship or something else; among other things...

You don't want to put someone through all this.

And you absolutely do not want to go through this yourself.

Time and experience have taught you many things - and it all looks very different than what's in books, written by so called "specialists" in the disorder you suffer from.

It's all really prescriptive and like "miraculous cures."

For example, the matter of standards:

Yes, it's pretty obvious if you put people through a very strict filter, chances are no one will "pass," but how to resolve the impasse, the symptoms? Being more open, of course!

The assumption - you realize - is that this is all childhood trauma and neglect, or maybe something else, but it's all in one's childhood.

It does not stay there. It does not stop there.

Childhood becomes adolescence, which becomes young adulthood, which becomes adulthood, and so on.

The hurt, the trauma, doesn't really stop at "childhood."

It's ongoing.

Putting people through a very strict filter will weed out everyone, that's literally the point though! You let one or two people pass, you end up hurting, over and over and over again.

These books and these authors are talking about paths and options avoidants can take to improve and even see themselves "free" from symptoms - it's all one side of the story, it's always only one side of the story.

What happens when you're already at the peak? When you're already on such high level of functioning and social prowess that none of these books help (because they're mostly dealing with matters of social anxiety anyway...)? What happens when the disconnection is still relentless? What happens when, every time you try to open up and be vulnerable even if a little bit, you have to quickly retreat because the hurt comes without fail?

If this is about how to "take hits" and keep on going, you can simply not do that and live your life, no?

Oh, absolutely, your standards are so high (because they serve as a protection from more harm) so that no one will really go through and enter your life (good! You don't need any more stress or social scars), so that just means you're "giving up" and not trying to fight the disorder anymore, right?

You're not an idiot. You know pain and stress are part of life just as much as joy and pleasure. Why would you purposely seek stress though? For the possibility of joy? Really? You have yet to find anyone who's worth the stress that might take to get to the (allegedly) pleasure.

Maybe the way you view these things, the way you navigate life itself is completely twisted - understandably so!

Connecting with other people isn't supposed to feel excruciating, painful and so terribly stressful, is it?

You also haven't found many things talking about how long-term loneliness can be traumatizing and alienating. Loneliness that goes on for years, decades. It made you sensitive to harm, and perceived harm.

Even then, that "loneliness" is all yours.

It's familiar, it's "reliable," it's a constant in your life... all things you're lacking when you looked for connections.

Reaching out to others, when your life is a collection of wounds and scars caused by... others, almost feels foolish. Do you want or need any more reminders of how insignificant you are in the eyes of other people, because you are nothing special (just like no one else is!)?

Of course, you'll filter people out in such harsh ways, and it's not because you didn't try to make it work - you tried way too much, actually - you're well on your own, you're enough as you are and it doesn't make any sense to add something (or someone) to your life that will cause you to feel unhappy and to harbor resentment over time.

It's not even because you think you're too good for other people.

Too many people have been bad for you.

[lordelmelloi2]

kiara

Sexuality Headcanon: Omnisexual. Its Kiara. She could fuck a computer fully

Gender Headcanon: Oh my god, its Kiara. Shes over there eating mermaid flesh. "THIS IS WHAT GOOD PUSSY SOUNDS LIKE *GEIGER COUNTER GOING CRAZY*", literally indescribable

A ship I have with said character: HansKiara, KamaKiara. KiaraRose is the bad end

A BROTP I have with said character: I don't think Kiara is capable of being "bros" with somebody. I do not believe she has it in her to do "bro" things.

A NOTP I have with said character: Hmmm. A lot of pairings with Kiara I think would be ill-fated, because I think Kiara is actually quite delicate and people would mishandle her, or try to get with her solely for sex reasons, and she's much more ladylike than that and secretly desires to be treated more humanely even if she is the way she is. To be honest I'm not fond of many GudaKiara things in any regards. I'm also pretty tired of the "putting Kiara and King Hassan in the same room and seeing what happens" sex jokes to be honest, I think King Hassan has the sight to see that Kiara is much more pathetic than she leads on but Kiara would become like a hissing kitten in his presence rather than joking about fucking him.

A random headcanon: Kiara can make games. Kiara is secretly the backbone of the gaming club in Chaldea because no one realizes that a decent amount of indie productions in Chaldea are through her computer. Kiara's the backbone of a lot of the hardware and software engineering parts of Chaldea (LOL hard and soft ware JOAKE) simply because people asked nicely and she said yes and was watched very closely to make sure she wasn't installing anything she could take advantage of. Because of her capabilities she's always getting approached for programming help all the time to the point where she openly sighs in exhaustion whenever someone comes to her with a problem. It's very funny to see her run ragged for once despite being a super wizard class A hacker

General Opinion over said character: I love Kiara, I think she has a lot of depth and nuance and she's not as evil as people think. I think people enjoy using her as a scapegoat because her character does feature a lot of sexuality, she's the original Beast-Whore where her sexuality is a feature of the evilness she's meant to represent. But I think she's a lot more detailed than just being evil and wanting to have sex. Because there's her background which reveals she's been basically traumatized and fucked up her entire life, and you can tell in the way she acts that she wants to try to reclaim some of the innocence she was denied in her childhood, although her method of approaching it is twisted because, again, she's been screwed over her entire life. But I also think there's more to her than even just those things, I think her capabilities as a hacker should be explored in a legitimate sense, I think her competencies deserve examination. In the Fate/Extra SERAPH manga the ideal, flawless society she created literally was a society in which there was no discrimination for the way people where, and on top of that, it was first in the medical field and had cured several diseases and had pioneered research in medical techniques and even for therapy techniques so people could live and survive. And it was all presented as legitimate. Maybe I have the wool pulled over my eyes, but I think it's intriguing that a woman who was bedridden and abused her entire life, when finally using her power as a savior and a leader decides to create a society where people will no longer have to suffer under their diseases or traumas and are given the tools and resources to make it happen......

[amygdala-suzanna]

I'm gonna rant about my identity, trauma, girlfriends, Life Is Strange, and Gwen Stacy for a bit.

"nerdy middle-class trans-lesbian white-girl" is probably like the most inoffensive label someone could have. It probably even sounds fragile to a lot of people. But that is what I am.

I'm definitely not normal though, people often find my interests disturbing when I'm allowed to go on about them. Unhinged sadistic demons and gothic fantasy blade-wielding blood-covered warriors are certainly my favorite kind of characters to present myself as when given the opportunity to roleplay. My heart rate doubles when my girlfriend describes how they'd allow me to bite down on their neck. I love horror, being scared and being scary, and it's not pleasant to most, but that is what I like.

The thing that comforts me about being discomforting like that is that there's nothing for me to prove to anyone. Those close to me can just smile and laugh at my absurdity. Even better if they find it exciting. But, all my life with my parents I always feel like I have to prove something to them in order to justify asking for anything. This has carried over to my love life. I really struggle with asking my partners for anything. I developed a habit of avoiding confrontation with my parents by simply doing things based on my presumptions and hoping they'll be okay. It's pretty bad.

At four years old I had the displeasure of learning what I was. This was traumatizing, because I knew I was inside. In my dreams as a kid I always saw myself as a girl. When I learned that I was born a boy because of my body something broke inside me and I have been in and out of dissociation ever since. There used to be four alters in our system. The one that played the role of "boy" was evicted from the system some time in the 10th grade when we realized that there was serious gender dysphoria with the three other feminine alters inside and the masculine body. Sam fucking killed him and I'm glad she did.

When I came out to the then-girlfriend, she rejected me, hard. I had to spend like 4 hours on a phone call with her convincing her that I was the same person, unaware that I was lying to her more and more with every minute that passed. Because we were not the same, not remotely.

That relationship ended poorly. I still hate her for stealing my life for those 3 years. I hate that my experience playing Life Is Strange was with her, and I hated that she made me feel bad about wanting Max to kiss Chloe. Fuck her. I pored over so much Pricefield fanart that night and it made stronger impacts on my memory than anything you've ever done for me.

When I came out to my parents, of course, I had to prove it to them. They didn't believe me for the first two years, of course, they had to send me to a therapist who just told them exactly what I told them two years prior. Then they didn't believe her either and sent me to another one who came to the same conclusion. Guess fucking what, dad, I'm a woman and I always have been. Don't ever fucking say that you "lost" your son, you never had one, it was just a stupid fucking alter playing make-believe because it thought it had no other choice until Andrew told me he had a trans friend.

Fuck.

Watching the new Spiderverse recently and seeing Gwen's arc with her dad hit it perfectly for me. "Wow, look at this trans teenage girl who loves punk rock and lives in a world purveyed by a living watercolor painting that feels like a dream of color and melancholy and identity. She's just like me for real." I'm probably just like 90% of the other trans women seeing this in the theater in thinking that. I wonder how many other saw that aesthetic and were viscerally reminded of the overall aesthetic of Life Is Strange. Guess what, that's another story about a nerdy white girl with a savior complex trying to prove herself to everyone while just trying to be in love.

Teen white girls with identity crises and issues about proving themselves are not in short supply in American fiction by any means, but fuck it still hurts my heart seeing Gwen's dad come around to listening to her. I know my dad eventually came around just the same, but he didn't do it in a way that didn't hurt. I just wish it didn't hurt me and make be bitter and never want to go back home.

It would be really nice if I got to be the teenage girl I always wanted to be. I suppose that's what I'm doing now, in college. With the girlfriends and dates and all. It still hurts that Brynn decided she doesn't want to date a poly girl. I love her so much and I even enjoyed spending time with her family. I know we are still great friends, but that space between us does still make me sad. I'm grateful for Lil asking to be girlfriends just in time for Brynn to decide that, and Lil is really sweet and makes me really happy, but the sadness isn't gonna go away soon, I feel.

Melancholy helps get the emotions out at least. I think probably like two people will read this post until this point. Maybe Acorn if anyone. If you are here, you're a real friend, I knew I could count on you to pay attention to my stupid vent posts. Weird to find out here that Brynn isn't dating me anymore, isn't it. Oh well.

[renosser]

Notes About A Blog...

This is rhetoric. I'm writing about my irl blog. haha. I'm not actively having any issues, nor do I wish to put that idea forward, but this specific thing intrigues me enough to spill thoughts about it on my anon tumblr.

To set the stage: I have a blog that basically chronicles every little detail of my life for the past few months, from around mid-April to now. What interests me enough to write something rhetorical here is that there was a very distinct end to the chapter that was "Ren escapes some really nasty trauma" and the current one, which I'm calling "holy shit this ptsd is fucking serious business."

I am working on a memoir about the first "chapter" that may become fictionalized since certain people are still alive, and I am not about to drop names when people are alive and so many people know who I am irl.

I'm happy that the current therapist and I get along very well, and she seems to understand that my mind's preferred way of dealing with traumatic stress is to overload the senses. So if I'm in a state that's causing acute panic, I can simply, say...eat some super spicy Buldak ramen (you cannot possibly be depressed or in panic mode when your mouth is on fire) or snuggle up with a super soft blanket under my weighed one, or put on some Super Hit incense, or listen to my vaporwave/synthwave playlist a la Mass Effect. Sensations that are overpowering, basically.

Around the end of the first chapter, if you will, it was as if a perfect storm of negatives hit at the exact same time, which initiated a n acute traumatic response to perceived abandonment. On one level, I know it's there. I just didn't think...well, I had all defenses ready for that possibility. It takes a lot to trust a person. It's why I absolutely adore arms-length friendships. Let's keep it jovial, let's keep it not private. And if I need to share what I have going on, I have a blog where I try my best to keep things level but honest. (I've been told by a my best friend who is an editor that I'm reflective, introspective, and raw, and it's always refreshing to read, even when it's chaotic). But even with arms-length friendships, I still worry people are going to bail on me, because I have a laundry list that details how that happens almost every time. More often than not, there's a third party involved, there's jealousy on the third party's part, and I'm too honest to realize my honesty is used against me.

So there's this person I just love the hell out of (arm's length, regardless) who catches the brunt of this whole mess (via my blogging and trying to over-correct in public) who has taught some things/advice that I think is ironically helping with this mess. I got it out of my system (I wrote the demons out of me, if that makes sense, and I also had to use the block feature on a person who kept antagonizing me about it, unfortunately). I've actively been working with my therapist.

What they've taught/advised, and what I've been doing is trying to keep my needs first. It helped me stay focused at work, helped me get to sleep on time, and helped me remember that even if the perceived abandonment happened, I would be okay. Which...the idea alone still hurts at the core, but I would be okay if I kept following through on keeping my needs first.

But on top of that, I really just want to be positive. Certainly there's an undercurrent of sadness from all of the loss I've endured as of late. But I want to just make a healing blog where I talk about what's actually helping. So...blog 1 would be the goings on and the hurts. Blog 2 would be a healing / recovery blog. I write enough, this would be no problem to maintain.

Then presents the question of my gamer tag. I have that as a dot com. All of my social media handles are my gamer tag. I was planning on making my gamer tag dot com into a gaming or even a positive gaming blog. I am a big nerd for point and click games, or games which require low specs. I also really love audio drama and anything like the podcasts that NPR and BBC put out. But with the way that mental health is integrated into the world of gaming, I considered making that the place where I also talk about all of that and what is helping me heal.

So the whole point of writing all of that is to add that I love how Tumblr works. I came here at the beginning thinking I was going to be following specific topics. Instead, I'm remembering things I love. Food, for example. I love cooking. I knew that, but I didn't realize how cathartic it was until I made that batch of soup earlier in the week. Or foggy mountainsides and small villages that look to have successfully missed what's going on in the rest of society. Or fantasy environments and characters who reside in those places.

Which basically means I have three working blogs, now.

The first one that I talked about, where I share my gritty details of my life, fears, challenges, etc. The second one that I need to start, which would talk about games, audio works, podcasts, and mental health recovery (abandonment is false, we are never truly alone, especially as gamers, we just may not have the attention from those we dearly miss). And this one, my anonymous Tumblr, where I experimentally explore and extrapolate things I didn't realize I love.

While we're on the subject of audio drama, I encourage anyone who reads this to check out Carcerem on Spotify. Lots of names you might recognize have lent their talents to that show.

Also, a short series called Dirt.

Another series is Nocturne, a tabletop RPG that originally aired on Twitch that introduced me to several people who I've followed ever since. It's intense, and the DM does such a great job of making people realize that everything comes at a cost, including me, after realizing that the silence and solitude that I've so longed for and finally acquired set the perfect stage for all of the negatives I mentioned to happen at the same time.

And an album that I love from beginning to end (mostly instrumental) called Internet Dump by Cosmic Collective.

Rhetorical? idk, what do you all like to listen to?

[firedragon1321]

Hair Symbolism in My Writing the Movie

I know I just made a shitpost version of this but I want to yell about this trope more instead of writing. Fair warning- it turns into an OC rant halfway through.

TW for sexism, child abuse, trauma (in both adults and children). Also TW for a cartoon burn scar (on one OC).

I think Luke Tales of the Abyss flipped a switch in my teenage brain. He flipped a lot of switches, honestly (I have a thing for long haired guys in large part because of him). For people who haven't played the game- uh, play it. But also spoilers for mid-game.

Luke starts the game as a childish noble. The only one he listens to is his swordsmanship teacher, who also happens to be the main villain. Said villain convinces Luke to use his powers to destroy an entire village. Oh, and he also learns he's a "replica" (aka- clone). This is all a huge kick in the pants that forces Luke to re-evaluate his entire psyche. He decides he's going to change his ways, and cuts his hair to symbolize that.

(I still like the long-haired design better but anyway...)

I started rotating the idea of using hair to express a character's personality/development in my writing a lot since then. The "haircut of change" is a common trope (usually for girls- it's also in Final Fantasy IX). But I don't really use that specific trope (when I do, the character's hair usually grows longer, lol).

Traumatic haircuts are my obsession. Especially with guys. The trope is done to death with girls. They are expected to have long hair, so the loss of it is traditionally the loss of femininity, sexuality, or purity. Which by itself is boring and dumb. Give me a legitimate reason for that character's trauma that isn't steeped in sexism. Go into her mind and assign a reason specific to her.

Traumatic haircuts are even more fun when they enforce conformity. Whether that be gender conformity, conscription into the military, the rules of a dystopia- I really don't care. "Everyone has to act the same" symbolized in how they look my beloved. Which is why I think it's more fun with guys. It's a little unexpected unless you marathon read everything I ever wrote.

My main OC Soren is literally terrified of cutting his hair- even for trims- due to a traumatic forced haircut his father orchestrated. His father's abuse in general is one thread of many he has to untangle. The longer I work with the character, the more central that thread becomes. But in-story, he hasn't realized it.

And I don't want the solution to be cutting his hair to shed himself of those memories. I want him to keep his hair long, because it's his head and his father doesn't get to dictate what's on it anymore. Granted, he might do something independently. But the chance of that is pretty low. Honestly, I can't draw him with short hair except for flashbacks because he essentially "stops" me.

Soren isn't an anomaly. I have one character I'm working with who dyes his hair so he doesn't see his parents every time he looks in the mirror (context- they dumped him at a school and don't visit him). I have more than one OC who is of a species that can't cut their hair without losing their abilities, Samson-style. I have another character in an early novel who kept ping-ponging between short and long hair, cutting it short when he wasn't being true to himself.

Really, I could go on all day. But you're probably bored, so here's just one more.

This is Jackie, another main OC who pulled this trope out of nowhere simply by neglecting to notice how long his hair got after multiple traumatic events (he was in a depressive slump, so he didn't notice a lot of things). Unlike most of the others, Jackie settled on a compromise (he cut the bangs so he could see, but the back's still long). Jackie is in an evolving situation and I want to see what he does, so I'm just gonna let him do as characters do.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

I’m not an expert, I hope this isn’t offensive but the symptoms of ASPD I read in that link seem so at odds with most of the things you post… it seems like you do care about others in a deep way (instead of not caring about anything outside yourself) and speak your honest thoughts with conviction (rather than lying pathologically 24/7). Why do you post about issues that affect others? Does it emotionally upset you or do simply you agree with the principles?

Also how would a Dr go about identifying all those smaller details like being ego-centric or only gaining self esteem from material things or not having emotional bonds unless the person confessed to everything?

Sorry if these questions are annoying I’m just so curious

No worries. Yeah, I'm a very complex human being haha. Its not like I want people to suffer unduly, although I do want humanity wiped out. But Im logical, and fair, and many laws and people are not logical and promote unnecessary suffering in this world, and stupid people really piss me off. I believe only one thing is important in life- maximize pleasure and personal freedom/choices, minimize suffering. Anything else is noise.

I questioned it myself, and I realized I mostly only care about sexual violence and misogyny. Thats the only thing that really elicits an emotional response from me, and I think this is because I relate to it myself, so my rage is trauma based and rage about my own emotional experience, perhaps more than truly being empathy. Then again I dont think that means its not empathetic. Idk.

But ASPD doesnt mean having zero empathy, just a LACK of it, which I arguably do have.

Sometimes Im not even truly being empathetic, I just enjoy arguing and have anger issues lmao.

This may sound counter-intuitive but Ive always had a strong sense of justice, even as a child. I know whats right and wrong and I bulldoze down anyone in my way, regardless of rules or laws. We learned in psych that theres an interesting overlap between personality traits of a hero, and that of a psychopath- lack of regard for social norms, ability to act in stressful/traumatic situations where most people would freeze or panic, bravery/lack of fear, high self confidence, and narcissism/egotistical. Thats why a lot of surgeons, lawyers, cops, and CEOs are high in psychopathic traits, they need to be. Even Ted Bundy saved a drowning little boys life once. Its an interesting conversation isnt it?

Also, what I post on tumblr is only a piece of my life. Theres a lot of things you dont know about.

The doctor would have to piece things together over multiple sessions, ASPD definitely isnt a diagnosis that should be given quickly. But yeah, a lot of it depends on what the client is self-aware of and what theyre willing to talk about. Things can definitely be missed or purposefully hidden. Or just straight up lied about.

Not at all, I always love talking psych!