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teaboot · 1 year

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I just want you to know that I love reading your life stories and from the context clues on your posts this is what I imagine you look like because you're a 5'3" security guard.

ASFDGGGJHHJGGJGUJGUHFDFGFFFADFSDHHJK

#I'm crying this is literally it #And the worst part is I forget how short I am #So really big dudes get in my face sometimes #And I have to be reminded to keep my distance in case someone gets violent #Cause I'm like #Dude chill #Forgetting that they could actually pick me up and toss me like a bean bag #Corgi complex #H e l p #Picture is the table woman speaking on a microphone with lil athlete man looking up at her from shoulder height #But with my icon pasted over his face

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garunsdottir · 1 year

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lord aldhelm’s wardrobe 7/?

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tsukasalover · 30 days

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animenyc haul !!!

+ freebies!

(ty to the person who gave me the ruikasa prints and bag with cards.. 🥹)

this truly was our wonderlands x showtime

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dark-elf-writes · 1 year

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Hold up hear me out:

Modern AU with single dad Kakashi (mechanic maybe? Tattoo artist? Something with weird hours that gives him an sort of ‘bad boy’ vibe?) raising little Naruto and falling for his kids teacher Iruka.

The PTA moms thirst over him as much as they disapprove of him. He is the softest for Naruto but otherwise looks intimidating as fuck. Constantly late for pick up but does bring Iruka coffee though so he is less likely to kill him.

D o g s

#the elf talks #naruto #modern au #dad Kashi anyone ?#I’m talking fully jacked man covered in tattoos kneeling and very seriously listening to Naru explain his drawings #will hold Naruto’s bags e en if the eye burning orange clashes with his vibe #shoulder rides #A L L T H E D A D #hot for teacher au

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aastarions · 9 months

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update nobody asked for im actually doing ok today!! pain is like a 2.5/10 im able to sit at my home desk i think if i keep improving ill actually be able to drive to work wednesday like the dr said id be able to :')

#c shut up #i would actually like to go in wednesday too bc i have christmas gifts for my coworkers id like to bring them before christmas OTL #cause were closed all of next week #theyre not heavy gifts thankfully but ykw i might need a rolling bag to bring in my stuff #bc thinking about it i cannot carry both my laptop and regular work bag on my shoulders its too heavy rn #man

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theres-whump-in-that-nebula · 3 days

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the toxic masculine urge to be perfect and strong with no weaknesses

#I’m not even amab but I feel like toxic masculinity has affected me more than toxic femininity #I’m cool with other people crying but the instant I start I’m like “heerghhh no must keep the noxious brain chemicals in my eyes”#I never cared about my physical appearance being “feminine” but I have always hated showing vulnerability #Like I’ve had issues with body image but usually it’s more along the lines of “I have no muscle and I’m weak” than anything #Or when I was nine in ballet class I was self-conscious about not having broad shoulders when I looked in the mirror #and about having such a huge head in proportion to my body #Like obviously I’ve balanced out now that I’m fully grown and have lots of positive male (and female!) role models I look up to #But honestly it’s really reassuring to see guys in older media who are not very strong-looking or intimidating physically #bawling their eyes out for a role #And I’m like “damn they deserve love” and then I’m like “damn I deserve love too”#scrawny looking untoned guys rise up #Yeah my issues with body image started in a Dunham’s Sports when I saw that punching bag dummy with a fucking ten pack #staring down at me when I was six years old and messing with their elliptical machines #I was like “I want to look like that” and stayed on the elliptical for an hour straight #And then Man of Steel came out a few years later and everyone was talking about the guy’s physical transformation #and I remember the phrase “sculpted abs” being used and that fucked me up for awhile #Now I look back at that movie and go “holy hell that poor man is blatantly dehydrated. Fuck the directors”

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junglejim4322 · 8 months

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So many formative experiences happen at the rotisserie chicken station

#the man who tries to speak to me in Arabic every time as if I’ve learned in 2 weeks #(he speaks English fluenty)#an elderly woman tapped me on the shoulder and said ‘you just did me a big favor’ because she couldn’t figure out how to open the bags #so she wasn’t buying the chicken until she saw how I opened one #also wasp dads who are ready to kill me over the best chicken. shoutout to you

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deus-ex-mona · 2 years

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why can’t this week just end alreadyyyyyyy

#rant about the week incomin’ in the tags bc ‘complaining’ is my unofficial middle name #this week has *not* been my week so far and it’s only wednesday morning #my horrible week commenced on sunday night when i was unable to sleep bc my pillow was oriented wrong #thus i had a grand total of 1 hour of sleep which was not very poggers tbh. so i tried to sleep on the train but…#the guy next to me??? kept swaying to lean on my shoulder??? so i hunched over to avoid physical contact but he just landed on my back??#so that sucked balls. i kept having to wake up to push him away with my bag and then trying to go back to sleep.#but then!!! just as i fell asleep after one such instance!!! the guy’s phone alarm went off????? like?? why???? why would you set an alarm??#we’re on a friggin train mannnnn!!!!! why did you have to set an alarm?????????????#and ofc when the dude finally alighted (and i was asleep) he just *had* to jab me in the side with his elbow when he got up. ಠ_ಠ #so that’s how i knew the rest of the week was gonna be just ✨peachy✨#anyways manning 2 workstations (+ 1 bonus ‘mini’ workstation) on 1h of sleep isn’t very fun. esp if you’re incompetent af like me #and ofc there just had to be problems too. like the printers couldn’t print (and the systems crashed everytime i tried to print something)#and this sample running software kept closing itself in the middle of running samples so that was a pain to deal with #and tuesday (yesterday) wasn’t much better. in fact it was ✨worse✨. none of the 2 workstations could get started till like 10am and aaaaaa—#to make matters worse i had stubbed my toe so badly in the morning that my skin tore. so walking was ✨much pain✨ as well :(#and ofc yesterday had to be the one day where i had to walk back and forth an unnecessarily high number of times >:( sadded #and ofc they *had* to have an hour-long meeting about something or other towards the end of the workday when i had yet to eat my lunch >:(#(fell asleep during the meeting though bc it was boring as balls whoops)#and i could only take a half-hour break after that >:((( i wanted my full hour dammitttttttt #and ofc it was raining when i left and ofc it took like 25 mins for me to hail a taxi on this booking app bc i didn’t want to take the train #and ofccccc i misheard the taxi driver when he arrived and he roasted my chinese speaking skills. and ofcccc we were caught in a traffic jam #(i had a really nice hour long nap in the cab though so thanks traffic jam)#and thus ended my terrible 2 past weekdays. i’m drained af and it’s *only* wednesday morning????!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i’m mentally looping anzu no uta (imascg) to cope. ‘nu-uh i don’t wanna work’ so true anzu #i just wanna sleeeeeeep and wake up this weekend or sth idk it’s too early in the year for this #it is suiyoubi my dudes #may spam self-rb my monster-length character image/gif posts later to cope. you have been warned

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pebblezone · 1 year

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this Tylenol ain’t shit w

#talkingcore #emotions. man.#there’s so much music that I just haven’t listened to in a bit and it’s making me feel things it’s not even like sad things I’m like damn #how long has it been since I’ve listened to beautiful stranger by Madonna as featured in Austin powers international man of mystery #but also something in my brain feels like it needs to cry like I don’t feel like I physically can but something needs to be released #so do I go pet sounds? smile? falsettos? I feel like I need to be in a sleeping bag and Contemplate #fun fact! Kendra Morris has an absolutely stunning cover of don’t talk (put your head on my shoulders)#I’m pretty neutral on beach boys covers tbh I’m never crazy about them since like they really never measure up #how many mid covers of god only knows can I take? not many. but like she & him have their little Brian Wilson tribute I like that.#the covers are a lot better when they don’t try to perfectly replicate whatever the fuck Brian Wilson was doing they aren’t him #brain wants to go melancholy mode but I’ve no clue over what. girl just tell me what I’m supposed to be sad over I’ll commit to the bit #need to keep listening to new stuff but also need old stuff Maybe that’s it maybe I just need old stuff again? like routine?? shit idk #also like at 5 am I woke up and remembered how in choir people kept comparing me to the director they had the year before me #and the thing is she had the same name as someone else in choir that was student teaching my first semester so I kept thinking they were #referring to her Id be in my choir fit my silly suit my proud butch uniform and they’d be like oh this is so ‘insert name’!#and it kept throwing me off because the student teacher was like. not like me at all so I was like fuck #what kind of girl core energies am I accidentally emitting this is Bad. so anyway 5 am I’m like fuck it I need to research this person #I search. find her. she’s butch. I’m blessed. they weren’t lying like man we do such a good job at being generic! yay!#butch And in choir! love to see it! keep thinking how I am destined to be like in my 40s doing mundane tasks #I’m gonna be soooooo good at watering plants and putting salt on the sidewalk before it snows and cleaning drains #need to be a dad mom so fucking bad you don’t get it I need to drive carpool and take off work for dentist trips and watch hgtv #AHHHH i think that got rid of some of the sad lfg💥💥💥💥this must be super long god damn sorry

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draconicace · 9 months

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ajdkadhs i Know he's suffering so so bad but limbic system whispering 'stinky boy' made me laugh so hard i couldn't look at the screen for several minutes

#aiden's monologuing #ailbde #stinky boy... he really is just a sad little bedraggled cat #the humor in this game is really good #don't worry man i'm gonna keep you alive. i already had to save scum because i didn't have the bad for a while #tried to jump off a roof (tiny two meter drop) and got so upset he died. still have not gotten the cloak #bag* i'm not. fixing the tag it's fine #i do feel like the way i think of harry is partially because i see a Clearly Bad Option and go No. Disapprove.#angel on the shoulder type shit

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kindahoping4forever · 1 year

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Literally no idea what I could possibly caption this but you get it

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supercantaloupe · 1 year

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they hate me for carrying my massive fucking case bag on the train to school

#sasha speaks #orchestra rehearsal this afternoon but i need my computer and stuff for work #i can carry all that in my case bag with my oboe but man is the bag full if i do lol #i can't bring my EH in here cause it lives in my double case but i don't need it til october anyway #at any rate it's balanced enough to sir on my shoulders without too much strain but boy i would like to put it down once i get to campus #this thing is heavy with all my oboe stuff AND work stuff in it :(#oboeposting

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akumanoken · 1 year

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Boobs are the enemy

#gotta free a bag or else my brastrap will cause a mutiny with my shoulder #another a reminder that the songwriter for 'I enjoy being a girl' was a man

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rainbowgothdisaster · 2 years

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an inverse love triangle where two best friends try to set the other up with one himbo of a man who never catches on

the movie climaxes with the two confessing that they like the man but thought he didnt like men/women so they were like "well if i cant have him then youre having him"

then its them trying to subtley ask him if hes gay or straight and each time getting more and more obvious but himbo never realizes what they're doing (or maybe is trying to tease them) (bonus points if he doesnt give any hints or gives conflicting hints and they just get more frustrated and flustered bcuz hes just so fucking charming and sweet and charismatic and theyre like "oh my god if i dont get to kiss this cinnamon roll im going to die!")

at the end its revealed the himbo is bi and also the other two are also painfully oblivious bcuz himbo has been hitting on them both the whole entire time and they only picked up him hitting on the other (also male best friend is also bi, bcuz as much as i love the "sharing one man" troupe, its a triangle not a corner)

*side note: himbo must never feel rejected or disappointed or sad, he must be at peak happiness all the time. instead of feeling like neither want him he needs to feel so much love. hes just so head over heels in love. this is a no negtive feelings zone.

hes not anguishing over choosing. in fact no choosing. ever. its not a possibility. he doesnt consider it. maybe hes under the impression that hes going on dates or something. no feeling bamboozled either. only love. only affection.

the best friends are like "ah this is friendly affection" and hes got his arms around them like all the time. i think itd be fun if everytime hes goes to ask what they are or say what he thinks they are he gets interrupted with more match making. which he has no problem with bcuz hes got one of the loves of his life in his arm. and the others by his side so of course hes gunna sweep them into his arms as well. hes got two ppl he loves more than the whole world in his arms.

he keeps inviting them on dates and theyre like "yeah were hanging out" and both convinced they're third wheeling while not feeling left out. theyre like "oh this is a friendly hand on my waist also im such a good match maker bcuz my best friend has a hand around their waist"

#sweet man that is absolutely obsessed bcuz of how much in love he is and how wholesome everything is #is my type #need me a goofy man with a goofy smile who throws me over his shoulders and carries me to a soft bed #to absolutely destroy me with the warmest cuddles and sweet nothings #movie idea #mlm #bi polyam #holy shit i love men #like i really love men #like im so fucking gay you dong understand #its a game of toss but youre tossing a bag of candy so you dont want to toss it but everytime you do some more candy comes out #so you get candy

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impossible-rat-babies · 2 years

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me staring at eyrie’s family being a metaphor for differences in grief and thus how grief changes/stagnates/brings out the worst in people like we’re gonna keep creating the same dynamics huh brain

#eyrie’s mother’s grief over her husband #both eyrie and their twins grief over losing children—the differences between them #their twin’s name is odvirn #but odvirn being so much like his father and how grief took those wonderful things about his father #his compassion his sense of duty and purpose his strong sense of justice and love #odvirn becoming his paranoid righteous man dedicated to his own sense of right and wrong #his stagnation being one of being stuck in the past #eyrie’s own stagnation falling into a long lasting depression that had them isolating and so absorbed in themselves their marriage #ended up falling apart. even as they screamed on the inside for it to not be like this #anything else. let it have been anything else but they’re trapped in their own body #paralyzed by grief. terrified of a baby’s cry—cold sweats at the sound #they wanted nothing more than to hear their daughter take a deep breath and cry for life but she could only ever whimper #in many a sense grief moved eyrie to the worst of their mother’s traits #her deep internal life. her self sufficiency and dependability. her quiet gentleness #eyrie absorbed into their internals. self sufficieny leading to tragic loneliness #their dependability becoming wanting to do everything—shoulder all of the burdens #the gentleness given to being and emotional push over/punching bag #they aren’t as much like this anymore w it having been 40+ years #still it remains part of them #oc: eyrie kisne #i will have more thought these two being siblings some days

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foldingfittedsheets · 7 months

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Every sales job I’ve worked has that one item. The white whale. The biggest ticket you can sell. The sale you brag about when you’re chatting with other industry people.

When I sold mattresses it was a split king adjustable base. That’s two twin extra long mattresses next to each other to make a king, but each side can move independently. They’re insanely expensive and honestly kind’ve impractical but it was the biggest ticket thing to sell.

When I sold sex toys though our white whale was the 20lb ass. It was a female pelvis, a cut out from the waist to the tops of the thighs. It was hyper realistic material and cost about $500. I definitely had bigger tickets but not in one item typically.

In my time at the sex shop, I sold three. Each time was completely different in terms of how the guy acted about buying it. The first man was a little embarrassed and shy about it. I was professional and supportive as I rang it up. Once I handed him the receipt he looked at the box. Then he looked at me.

If you’ve ever wondered how big a box has to be to fit a 20lb ass let me just tell you: it’s pretty damn big. It’s an uncomfortably large armful of box and every side has a picture of the sex toy inside on it. It’s not subtle.

“Could I get a bag….?”

There was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass. “Hang on,” I told him.

I got scissors and tape and covered the box in cut up black bags. Looking relieved he picked up his purchase and left.

The next man to buy one carried it proudly to the counter; self assured and not embarrassed in the least. When I said I didn’t have a bag, but I could wrap it for him he gave a hearty shrug and hefted it into his arms, marching out the door with the butt on full display.

The last man to get one was just kind’ve an odd guy. Not creepy, but eccentric. We got along great, and as I rang him up I said, “Well one guy wanted his taped over, and one guy carried it out. What would you prefer?”

“There’s no bags?”

“No store bags. I think our jumbo trash bags in the back might fit it….?” It seemed rude to suggest putting a $500 item into a trash bag, but he wasn’t bothered.

He considered this then said, “Bring me the trash bag.”

When I delivered it to him he still managed to surprise me. Instead of shoving the huge box into it he opened the box. He took out his new $500 sex toy, and all the little things it came with, tipping them unceremoniously into the trash bag.

“There! Now I don’t have to deal with the box later!”

I was slightly stunned but agreed that I could easily deal with the trash. Then in a move I still think about with delight he flung the trash bag over his shoulder like a Santa with a sack full of ass and sauntered out the door.

If this or my other escapades made you laugh you could pop a tip into my Ko-fi! For more like this check my tag "ffs foibles".

#ffs foibles #funny #story #writing #story time #sex shop #retail #funny story #20lb ass #white whale #Santa

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