#making it so that people i don’t know don’t actually know me is really funny actually

[sleepyparalysisdmon]

Don't Listen In Secret

The three times that everyone spills Vernon’s secrets, and the one where you finally get it.

Word count: 1.3k

Warnings: none that I can think of.

This is part of the Three Times series. This one in inspired by this reaction.

One

“Sorry I’m late, you guys didn’t wait on me to order, right?” You’re a little out of breath when you plop into the chair next to Vernon. It’s not unusual for him to invite you out with the younger members of his group when they hang out. Seungkwan and Chan have become good friends of yours over the years. 

“No,” Seungkwan snorts, gesturing to your glass. “Vernon ordered your incredibly specific and picky order already. Food is on the way.” 

“His memory when it comes to things like that is wild,” Chan laughs. 

“Let’s be real, it’s not wild because it’s about Y/N.” Seungkwan and Chan are laughing boisterously, but you and Vernon look at each other, shaking your heads. 

Still, you smile at Vernon and say, “Thanks.” He shrugs it off, asking how your day was. As you’re all standing up to leave the restaurant later, the waiter comes over with a to-go bag and hands it to you. “Oh, uh, thank you, but I didn’t order anything else.”

“You didn’t, but I did,” Vernon says behind you. You look questioningly at him as the waiter walks away. “Dessert,” he says simply. He must have ordered that for you too before you arrived. You grin, hugging the little bag to your chest, saying thank you again. On the way out, you hear Seungkwan and Chan giggling to themselves. “What’s so funny?” You say over your shoulder. 

Chan waves it off. “Nothing.”

Two

You’re at the dorm to watch a movie with Vernon and a few of the members. It’s a horror movie, specifically one of those tense scenes where you’re expecting a jump scare any second. 

The jump scare is actually your stomach grumbling loudly. There are four sets of eyes on you now and you shrink under the blanket. “Sorry.” The jump scare has finally occurred and only a couple members actually react, namely Seungkwan and Chan. But Jeonghan and Vernon are giving you raised eyebrows. 

“Did you not eat?” Jeonghan asks. “It’s so late.” 

“I did. I guess it didn’t quite cut it,” you excuse. “I’m good. I’ll just grab a snack or something.”

Vernon is standing up, throwing off your shared blanket. “Come on, I’ll make you something.” 

You’re too busy frowning up at Vernon to notice the highly entertained looks that the three of his group members are sharing. “Hansol, you hate to cook. Really, I’m fine. I’ll just grab something small.”

Vernon is tossing your side of the blanket off and pulling you up off the couch now. “That’s not enough. I won’t burn down the house, I promise. It’s just some ramen.”

“Make me some too,” Jeonghan pipes up, but Vernon simply says ‘no’ from the kitchen. 

Twenty minutes later, you’re feeling much better, stomach full and blanket back over you on the couch. “What did we miss?” You don’t recieve an answer because Jeonghan, Seungkwan, and Chan are all watching you carefully. “What?” You ask, suddenly a little self-conscious.  

“Just waiting to see if you’ll keel over any second now,” Seungkwan says and you can’t quite tell if it’s a joke. 

You scoff. “You guys are so mean. Hansol’s cooking isn’t as bad as he makes it out to be.”

“We wouldn’t know. He refuses to cook for us,” Chan says. 

“Yeah, you’re just special like that, I guess,” Seungkwan teases. 

“Lucky enough to get poisoned. Is that was true love really is?” Jeonghan’s words make the others laugh loudly, movie long forgotten. You never do know what you missed while you were eating and it doesn’t matter because you’re totally lost now, both when it comes to the movie and everything else. 

Three

You’re at a birthday party for one of the members. It’s small by all accounts since so few people can fit in one of the dorms comfortably. But it’s still packed and you hover behind Vernon’s chair as cake is getting cut. 

Midsentence, a plate is slid in Vernon’s direction, and without thinking much, he hands it over his shoulder to you. Then he must have thought about it a little longer. You like to sit down to eat, even if it’s just a little snack. You don’t want to stain your clothes or get crumbs all over yourself. Vernon’s standing up, pushing you towards the chair, but you resist. “No way. You’ve had long practices all week. You should rest.” 

“Fine, but you need to sit too.” Vernon is sitting back down and pushing the chair out. Then his hands come around your waist, pulling you into his lap. This isn’t an everyday occurrance for either of you, but there’s absolutely nothing that feels weird about it, so you start eating your cake. 

Seungcheol is smirking next to you. “Comfortable?” You shrug. “Why don’t you both just date already?” He laughs. 

Vernon is talking to Wonwoo on your otherside so he has no reaction to the comment. You just roll your eyes at Seungcheol. “You know it’s not like that. Shut up, and eat your cake, Cheol.”

“No, you seem to be the only one who doesn’t know that it’s exactly like that,” Seungcheol smarts. You reach out and shove his shoulder. 

“You’re wrong,” you insist. “Now eat your cake before someone steals it.”

Four

“I can’t believe you haven’t packed anything,” you admonish, tossing clothes over your shoulder onto Vernon’s bed. You both are due to fly out this afternoon to visit New York with his family. You arrived to find him still in bed with his suitcase totally empty on the floor. 

“We have time to get to the airport. It’ll be fine,” he soothes, folding clothes and packing leisurely. 

Seokmin and Jun barrel into the room, making themselves comfortable. They make small talk about the trip. “Y/N, do you usually go on things like this with his family?” Jun asks.

The question sounds innocent enough, but Vernon answers before you can. He snorts. “Like my mom would take no for an answer. She planned this whole trip around Y/N’s work schedule.”

Seokmin coos, “Awe, she loves her future daughter-in-law so much.” 

Vernon is rolling his eyes, but gets distracted by his phone ringing. You’re too busy standing still by the closet, head spinning. You had no idea that his mother had worked around your schedule. And you had no idea why Vernon didn’t dismiss the ‘future daughter-in-law’ comment. It plagues your mind as Vernon rushes you out of the door with your suitcases, and as you get through security at the airport, and as you find your seats on the plane and take off. Vernon hands you a water bottle and a pack of cookies that the flight attendant handed out. “Are you good?” He asks.

You find yourself frowning at him. “I have a weird question.” 

“Okay,” he says with a shrug. 

“Do you happen to have feelings for me or something?”

He blinks at you, once, twice, and then finally a third time, before shrugging. It’s almost irritatingly casual when he says, “Yes.” Your jaw drops and he lets out a little laugh. “It’s not a big deal, Y/N. I don’t expect anything and nothing ever has to change. I’m still your best friend and you’re still mine.”

You’re stuttering. “Hansol, how long have you felt like this?” 

Another casual shrug. “A few years maybe.”

Well, you can be casual too. You force your shoulders to relax and nod understandingly. “So a few years shorter than I’ve had feelings for you, then.”

It’s a slow reaction from him, but eventually his eyes widen. “Uh. What?”

“Mhm,” you hum. “Now, are you going to hold my hand or what? You know I hate turbulence.”

Vernon folds his hand into yours and doesn’t say anything about the fact that you don’t hit even a single patch of turbulence during the whole flight. You don’t know what will happen once you arrive in New York for this little vacation, or even after you get back home, but there’s relief in your little secret being out. Maybe he feels the same way too.

[honeyjars-sims]

3.35 Sticky Situation

It’s the second day of our camping trip and I’m realizing that even when she’s on vacation, Lucy is still in work mode. With the spotty cell service on the mountain, she’s not able to do any actual work so she’s channeling all of her energy into making sure things run smoothly on the trip.

She was up before the rest of us this morning cleaning up our mess from the night before and now that everyone’s awake, she’s been looking for things to do. “We should gather more firewood,” she says.

“We have all day to do that,” I tell her. “Just relax. This is a vacation, remember?”

“I know, but I can’t relax when there are things that need to be done. I always get like this when I’m…on vacation.” I have a feeling there’s more going on but before I can ask her about it, Paul jumps in.

“Well, if you can’t relax until things are done, then at least let someone else do it,” he insists. He turns to me. “John and I can gather up some firewood while you get in some relaxation.”

I start to protest the suggestion–I always hate it when I get roped into hard labor just because I’m a guy–but Lucy looks so relieved that I decide to let it go. “Yeah, we’ll take care of it,” I say instead, and Paul and I head off into the woods.

We barely make it a few feet before Paul starts droning on about how you want to make sure you get the right type of wood, and you have to make sure the pieces you pick aren’t too wet, and blah, blah, blah. “Yeah, yeah,” I cut in. “If I have to do this, then I’m gonna do it my way.”

“Oh? What’s your way? If you have any insights, I’m happy to hear them.”

“It’s pretty simple. Is this wood? If yes, then I pick it up.”

“Hmm, ok,” he says, sounding uncertain. “I suppose we’ll see how that goes tonight.” 

“I guess we will.”

“You’re kind of competitive aren’t you?” he asks.

I feel my face growing hot, remembering how I tried–and failed–to show him up on our last hiking trip. “Uh, not really,” I mutter.

“Oh, so, it’s just with me then?” His words would sound confrontational if not for the softness of his tone. He seems more curious than argumentative.

“Look, I’m sorry about all of that. I was just feeling a little insecure with all of the attention you were getting from the girls. I’m trying to be more mature about it, though.”

“Ahh, the girls,” he replies. “That’s what that was about. I don’t see what you’re so insecure about, though.”

“Well, I mean, you’re going to be a doctor, and you’re more athletic than I am.” Spelling out my insecurities isn’t exactly making me feel better about them. 

Paul shrugs. “I don’t even start med school until the fall,” he counters. “Besides, you had everyone laughing and that’s something I’ve never been good at. In fact, I’m famous in my family for telling the worst jokes.”

“Oh, really?” I ask, excited for an opportunity to pass on some advice about something I’m good at. “In my opinion, the main thing people get wrong about comedy is that they try too hard to be funny instead of just finding opportunities naturally.”

“You think so? Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong.”

“It could be. Go ahead, just say what comes to mind without thinking too much about whether or not it’s funny.”

“Uh, ok, what’s brown and sticky?” he asks.

“I don’t know, what is it?”

“A stick!”

This is not a good joke. Like objectively it’s not, but he has this huge grin on his face like he’s standing on stage at a sold out comedy show, and I can’t help but laugh with him. Not in a mean way; he’s so pleased with himself that it’s kind of endearing. “It was good?” he asks eagerly.

“Well…” I choose my words carefully. “Maybe the joke wasn’t the best, but I think you have the right attitude. I’m sure if you start looking out for the humor in different situations then it’ll start coming naturally to you.”

“Ok, well, thanks for the feedback.”

“No problem. We should probably start gathering up that wood. What did you say we should look for again?”

Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter | Next

[gothamite-rambler]

Jason and Roy being friends and using class of 09 characters (less insane):

*It sucks the creator of this game sucks, but these lines are still funny to me since I treat the game as a comedy*

Jason and Roy sat together having lunch at Burger King and discussing a charity event.

Roy: I'm pretty sure Ollie is running a charity scam.

Jason: No, I looked into the organization he's working with are the scammers. His name wasn't on the board of trustees. He's being scammed and the people running it are probably somewhere in Florida.

Roy (confused): How do you know this much about charities?

Jason (serious): My fucking piece of shit dad—who I want to kill—worked for a charity like that.

Roy (exasperated): Is there—okay, we won't explore that one. Do you really think he's not apart of it?

Jason: I doubt your father is smart enough to run a fake charity. He definitely fell for one though, the company is advertising NFTs on Tiktok. If that's not a scam I don't know what is.

Roy: They're advertising what on where?

Jason: It didn't makes any sense to me. Ollie seems like the type of fall for that though.

Roy: I... Yeah he is. Thanks.

Jason: I just find it funny he's that gullible.

---------------------------------------

Roy (agreeing to breaking into a bank): I'm cool with it.

Jason (shouting): Shut the fuck up!

Roy: I said I’m cool with it!

Jason: Nah, not you. I was hearing the voice again, telling me I'm wrong about something.

Roy: That isn’t even odd to me anymore, but have you tried listening to him?

Jason (chuckling): That’s a funny joke.

---------------------------------------

Jason: Do you know what a whip-it is?

Roy: I never did whip-its.

Jason: You look like the type who would use them.

Roy (happy): Oh, thank you!

Jason: That's strange that you took that as a compliment.

---------------------------------------

Jason: Where’s the coward arrow?

Roy: He hasn’t been around since you made him cry… and stuck to your promise about slashing his tires.

Jason: He better be afraid of me, because I’m not the one.

Roy: Oh yeah?

Jason nodded, a serious look crossing his face.

Jason: I don’t like how he talks to you. You’re really cool and smart. Handsome, I’ll admit—and you should be treated as such.

Roy raised an eyebrow, surprised.

Roy: Wow… that… um… have I really been deprived of a compliment for this long?

Jason: We’re friends. I’m going to be nice to you. Don’t worry about it.

Roy: And you're not trying to sell drugs to me?

Jason: You’re a recovering addict and my friend. No, I’m not going to sell you drugs.

Roy: Then I definitely went through it in life.

Jason: Has your dad ever complimented you?

Roy (laughing dryly): Not for a long… long time.

Jason: ‘Cause he doesn’t appreciate what he has. And seriously, Roy, if I ever see him talk to you like that again, I will rip his beating heart out and hand it to you on a silver platter!

Roy: And you’re not trying to have me relapse and then kill me?

Jason: N-no. I like you. You’re neat.

Roy: Oh… hm… the heart platter part is fucked up, but that’s so kind of you. This not being a ploy and you actually wanting to be my friend is still an adjustment.

Jason: Oh my God… you poor thing, you’re welcome. You make me dying seem like a coma. This is why I will be your friend forever! I will not let anyone hurt you, and if they do… they're gonna meet God!

Jason hugged the man, tightly. Roy patted the man’s back and then shrugged accepting this insane friendship.

Roy: Hm… All right.

---------------------------------------

Jason (paranoid): Spontaneous? Are you talking down to me?

Roy: No, it’s just a word that I read about in… um… Wuthering Heights?

Jason: Oh yeah, that’s a good book. I love you.

Roy: All right… Why did that make me feel happy?

Jason: Because you haven’t heard it in a while, and neither have I. That’s why I said it to you. I love you.

Roy: I… heart… you too.

Jason chuckled and pulled Roy into another hug. Roy smiled, confused, but not terrified. He patted Jason on the back, both appreciating the moment.

"You slashed his tires?"

[austinslounge]

I honestly tried to like Kaia, I truly did, but I can’t stand this shit anymore. Her desperate attempts to be popular, seem interesting and ”deep” are driving me insane at this point. I know it’s probably not her fault, but her parents’, they made her this cringy attention-seeker after all. I can’t understand what Austin sees in her other than her family’s connections or just a plain PR agreement. She has no personality, she always tries to gain popularity by copying her mother(or people she’s dating). It’s funny how she doesn’t even look that much like Cindy, sure, she’s beautiful, but Presley literally stole Cindy’s face. Her attempts to seem intelligent are also miserable. I’ve never seen any of her book club readings, because for me, most of her book recommendations are just airplane reads, but I’ve seen many people say that even when she’s talking about books, it seems scripted and staged. Like someone just gave her a summary and she retells what happened in the book, that’s it. I mean, what intelligence? She never even bothered to take basic acting classes. Her comments about nepotism speak volumes too. During the pandemic she bragged about having dinner reservations and partying with her friends. Her merch is awful. With all her money and resources, she could have made some really good stuff, but why would she?Her small insane fan base will pay 50$ for an ugly white shirt with a caption either way. She’s desperately clinging to anyone who can give her even the smallest amount of fame, her following people and then unfollowing them if they don’t follow back. The way she was clinging to Austin hardcore in July, dragging him away from his fans, when he wanted to interact with them. Her stupid cake for his birthday. Don’t even get me started on how she makes out with her female friends constantly or throws herself on her male costars or short SNL guys. I don’t know why I feel so annoyed and disgusted by her all the time. I swear, this girl spoils my excitement for Austin and his work every fucking time. Nepotism is not always a bad thing, there are talented nepo babies, but she’s like the epitome of everything I hate about nepotism. I don’t know how she can rub shoulders with people who actually have talent, get invited to all these awards and red carpets. Kaia had plenty of time to prove that she’s worth something, she’s been in the industry since she was a child, but no. Why would she prove anything? Her mother is Cindy Crawford, her father is a millionaire worth 400 million, her boyfriend is Austin Butler. I just wish she will go away finally. No matter how hard I try, I can’t warm up to her. Sadly, looking at the state she is now, you can clearly tell that the girl has issues, but sadly,having no brain,she can’t understand that she’s a tragedy about to happen.

💯

Girl! I wish I could give you an award for this post. You basically hit the nail squarely on the head with the many various reasons why a lot of us in Austin's fandom don't like this girl! I'd be saying the exact same thing if Austin were dating another woman just like this. I'm actually verrry surprised that people haven't called Kaia out on her very obvious clout-chasing by now.

I'll be honest, I never really cared for her even when she was dating Elordi. I don't hate her, she's just meh to me. Always has been. So my thoughts and feelings about her are not about Austin. It's more so about what I've observed about her over the years.

Her dating Austin just makes things even more unbearable though -- especially when you know that he could do so much better. 😩 But hey, it's his life, not mine!

When I realized they were dating however, I really did try to like her too, or at least give her a chance. I saw that Austin was with her, so I was trying to be a "good fan"and see what he may see in her. But last year, I started seeing more and more negative things that I just didn't like about her.

I really don't have much to add to this wonderful post, because you basically touched on the many various reasons why a lot of AB fans don't really care for her. I also think she makes Austin look cheap with her weird behavior and interests. 👀 She really cheapens his brand imo. But that's a topic for another day lol.

[pepis-benis]

fuck it, wip wednesday

eventual swanqueen, ofc

—————

“She’s his mom, Mary Margaret! I don’t know what else to tell you! She clothed him, fed him, took care of him when he was sick, taught him to walk and talk and all sorts of other things! I didn’t do any of that! He’s my kid, yeah, and I love him more than I thought I’d ever be able to love anything. But the first thing I did? I gave him up.”

“Emma, don’t say that. You were giving him-“

“Yes! His best chance. I gave him up, for him to have his best chance in life. And it was Regina. I know you fucking hate that it’s Regina, and I get it, really. But look at Henry. He’s so good! He’s so good that it hurts sometimes. I would think about him, wondering how he was, who he was. I always hoped he’d be okay; he got better than okay. Henry got everything I ever wanted him to have. Everything I wished I had gotten. Not just food, clean clothes, and a place to sleep. Henry got someone who loved him.”

Snow opened her mouth again. Emma didn’t let her get a word in.

“How can you tell me Regina doesn’t love Henry? He’s so polite and smart and funny and caring! Henry cares so much about the things he loves, the people he loves, and that’s because he has someone who loves and supports him. She’s everything he’s ever had, Mary Margaret, and there’s no world in which I can take that from him. Either of them, actually. How fucking cruel would I be if I took a kid from his mom, huh? Just because I think I’d be better? Because I’m good and she’s evil?” Emma missed the pain that crossed her mother’s face, ignoring how her mouth closed tightly, lips pressed impossibly thin. Her brain had started scrambling, letting out any and every thought she had about Regina. She had been doing a lot of thinking, and yeah, most of it had been about Regina. “I know she’s done horrible things, things I don’t want to dwell on, things I don’t want Henry to hear about. She’s different now, and she deserves as much of a chance as anyone else to prove it. You can’t raise a kid like Henry and be the same person she was; it doesn’t make sense.” Emma finished lamely. Snow was quiet, digesting Emma’s tirade as she leaned against the counter. Emma glanced toward the table, finding that Henry and David had migrated to the living room area of the loft.

Regret filled her when she saw Henry’s bowed head, David speaking in a low, calm voice. She hadn’t wanted Henry to be aware of the arguments surrounding his other mother. He already had too much knowledge of her past, and Emma hated to taint his view of her anymore than it had been. She left Snow in the kitchen without another word, making her way to her son.

“You have to go home, Henry,” Emma said gently, resting her hand on her son’s shoulder as he slumped on the couch in resignation. David stood, giving her an apologetic look before taking Snow out of the loft for a walk. “I’m sorry you heard all that, but it is the truth.” He finally turned to look at her, his eyes wet.

“I miss her, I really do. I know she was bad, but I love her, Emma,” Henry said, voice thick. Emma wrapped her arms around him, eyes beginning to sting with tears. “People change, right?” he asked into her shoulder.

“All the time, kid. And your mom changed a long time ago, she was just scared of it.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You changed her, Henry. Everything she’s done since you came to her was for you. She hasn’t been evil, she just didn’t know how to protect you any other way. Now she doesn’t have to protect you alone.”

“But she was trying to hurt you at first”

“I was a threat, Hen. I know that might not make sense to you, but she saw me trying to take you away. And I can’t do that to her. I was never trying to do that. I want what’s best for you, and she does, too. We can find a way for us to all be happy.”

“Like a family?”

“Yeah, like a family. Nothing would make me happier.”

[princesscringe]

Momo wearing Okaruns glasses for a brief moment during the new episode is so fucking funny to me cause there is absolutely no logical explanation for that besides for it being a cutesy ship moment. She was just like oh shit can I borrow your glasses rq I need to serve cunt while going to my fridge to get you iced tea. and he complied with her for some reason.

[theweirdhybrid]

I love not giving out personal information on the internet where everyone can see!!! Majority of things I say in tags are bullshit!! I have lied to you and I will lie again because guess what! I do not know you! And also it’s funny, I love making things up it’s so fun you all should try it sometime. For example, when was I born? July 7th, 1987. What’s my mother’s name? Jane. What’s MY legal name? Benjamin Gonzalez. What’s my favorite food? Wheatcakes. Favorite color? Aquamarine. Favorite movie? Velocipastor. My favorite shirt? The one that says “I’m older than the internet.” Is any of what I said true? Hell if you know! That’s for me to know and you to wonder about for the next five minutes. Like sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but I do Not know who could be reading my posts or going through my blog at any given opportunity. Likes yes I have my genuine moments but anything that looks like personal info is more than likely a lie

[starlight---starbrights]

Undertale yellow flowey embroidery

This took about 40 hours, give or take a few

[deepseawave]

obsessed w the tags on ur last reblog

Omgg, thank you haha, it was a quality post so I just had to appreciate it in full force 😂❤️

Can‘t believe someone would actually enjoy my yapping :,D

[permanentreverie]

.

[no1ryomafan]

Once again debating about the side mega man blog but regardless if I do make it or not, when I have the time I might make a whole long in depth post talking about the male ZX protags cause man while I have no idea how the tumblr fandom is I’m remembering some dumb takes with them so I think they deserve a proper breakdown to show “no they have character you fucking dumbasses”

[girlkomaeda]

thinking about replaying all the danganronpa games and reading more of the novels and spin offs n stuff…

[persephoneflouwers]

-

[starbuck]

trolling my intro to the humanities class by talking about things I actually care about.

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

love when media has something that enhances people’s fears to the point where they’re severely incapacitated and remembering some of the worst experiences of their life. that’s the representation i need

[solalunar-eclipse]

To everyone in the comments begging for a fic about this: PLEASE go read Heart of Gold with Blood-Red Eyes!!! It’s by this artist and features Shadow in a similar dynamic with Fleetway Super Sonic, and it is fantastic.