#love that channel but please i am in pain rn

[nelyafinwe]

i was just, as bon jovi would say, shot through the heart by one of my fave japanese bento box channels just now when in 1 vid they cracked a legit half pack of spaghetti in half (you know, like a heretic) and then, not satisfied, proceeded to add the raw and mutilated spaghetti to the pan that already had stuff stir-frying in it, to only then add some water to that poor fuckin pasta, and as a last step, salting the water

[apolloscastellan]

Never quite buried | loss of my life chapter 4

Pairing: Art Donaldson x Tashi Duncan x Patrick Zweig x FemaleTennisPlayer!reader

Summary: Your life had always been divided in two: before you met Tashi and after you met Tashi. The second you had laid eyes on her for the first time you knew you had been changed. You were soulmates, meant for each other Nothing could ever tear you two apart, or so you had thought. You could've pinpointed the junior U.S. Open as the night that changed everything. Now you have to juggle your hate-love relationship with tennis with your love-love relationship with Tashi and the two guys who you can't seem to stay away from. Tennis, after all, was only one of the most fucked up relationships of your life.

Warnings: challengers spoiler, challengers content warnings, super minor character death, terrible mother figure, use of y/n, polyamory.

Word count: 6.5K

A/N: Please let me know what you think bc my motivation is severely lacking rn, i feel like i'm writing into the void

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Tashi remembers perfectly the day your retirement from singles hit the news. It was all everyone could talk about. First, it was the statement on your social media. A well thought out paragraph about your struggles with continuing to enjoy tennis the way you used to and deciding to take a new route, it ended with a promise for more and better news soon. Then it was the teasing posts from Adidas, the “she is not done just yet” and the “love conquers all”. It all came to a peak with the release of the pictures of you and Patrick. Both of you wearing matching Adidas apparel, practicing in the private court you had in your backyard. The chemistry between the two of you was obvious to everyone who saw them. There was a glint in your eyes that no one had seen since you went pro. She knew the smile you were giving Patrick all too well, it used to be reserved for her. 

Her and Art, who had just very recently reconnected, sat on his couch for hours watching the tennis channel, waiting for updates. The relief they felt when it was announced that you were not quitting because you were fatally injured, as everyone had originally thought, was short lived. Neither of them spoke as the commentators showed the images of you and Patrick. Practicing, giggling, getting closer, him giving you that teasing smirk they both knew, you throwing your head back laughing, him beaming at you when you weren’t even looking, both of you focused on the ball, kissing… They both thought about turning off the TV, hitting some balls to work out how they were feeling, but then you were introduced into the set, a vibrant smile as you walked in, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt too big to be yours. The Mark Rebellato Tennis Academy logo only confirmed the obvious. You shook hands with everyone, sitting on the sofa they had reserved for you.

“Y/n Y/l/n, thank you for being here” the older man said, over the clapping of the crowd.

“Thanks for having me!”

“What a day it’s been for all of us, tennis fans. You’ve had us on the edge of our seats! First we mourned, now we’re celebrating… Please tell us why did you do this to us?”

“I am so sorry! I am, I really am” you laughed as the man teased you, God how they missed that laugh. “I have a flair for the dramatic, I must admit, and I am, in a way, saying goodbye to my career as I know it. It’s the start of a new chapter, and it’s really exciting, but it is also a goodbye and it felt right to give it its proper moment. I didn’t realize so many people were going to be so upset about it.”

“Why the switch? Why decide to give up singles completely?”

“I wasn’t enjoying it anymore, it was painful and I had started dreading every second of it. Fortunately, I am in a position where I can decide I don’t want to keep doing something that is bringing me down, so I took advantage of it. I didn’t want my stubbornness to completely ruin my love for tennis. I thought I could step back, maybe take up teaching and try to find that passion again. I was going to quit regardless, so this playing doubles thing happened at just the right time.”

“Yeah, let’s talk about that! You’ve decided to become a full time mixed doubles player with Patrick Zweig, who is a challengers player, somewhere in the two-hundreds. You are currently ranked number one in the world, how does this happen?”

“I think rankings and numbers can be misleading sometimes. Sometimes a player is not playing their best because of external reasons, or simply because they are not meant to be where they are. I think me and Patrick are meant to play together, I really do. And if you can’t trust anything else, trust this: I am really competitive and I hate losing, I would not put myself in a situation like this if I really thought we couldn’t win.”

“From what I’ve heard Zweig and you are committed to each other both on and off the court. You’ve never been open about your private life in the media, and he is the first boyfriend you’ve ever made public, what’s different about him?”

They couldn’t take their eyes off you as you let a bashful smile spread on your face.

“I mean…  Everything. I am pretty possessive of my privacy and we still don’t plan to share everything we do, but the truth is that I have never been open about any boyfriends because I have not had any serious relationships since I went pro. Patrick and I will be playing and training together so I thought it was bound to come out, so to me, I'd rather have that happen on my terms. And I do think Patrick is very different to all relationships I’ve had before, in the best way possible”

Art swallowed, refusing to look at Tashi when she turned to watch him. He didn’t deserve to be jealous. He knew that, if he had treated you right, you would still be together. That knowledge didn’t change how he felt.

“How does that happen? How does one manage to make the Y/n Y/l/n fall in love with them?”

“Well, me and Patrick met each other a while ago, at the U.S Junior Open, actually. He won it, I got second, we hit it off instantly. But it was one of those situations where it’s never the right time, you know? We kept missing each other, we were in relationships with other people, and we ended up drifting apart when I went pro. And then, funnily enough, we bumped into each other at an Adidas party about a year ago, and the rest is history.”

Art couldn’t bring himself to be angry when the TV shut off. He turned to look at Tashi who stood there with the remote in her hand, not looking at him. 

“I’ll see you in ten in the court. We need to work on your serve.”

He didn’t need to be told twice, grateful for the excuse to take his feelings out on the ball. To think about anything that wasn’t your smile as you talked about Patrick. He didn’t say it out loud, but he knew Tashi felt the same way, the sudden urge to train had not come out of nowhere. 

New Rochelle, New York. August 24, 2019:

You look down, shaking your head as Patrick crashes his racquet repeatedly against the floor. The umpire’s voice ominously announcing the score. You raise your face back up when Patrick gets given a penalty. Art walks nonchalantly back to the bench, you can feel Tashi’s smug grin beside you. You make eye contact with your husband and shake your head, he rubs his face with both hands, then nods. As much as you both don’t really care to win this tournament, he knows you’ll be angry if he just lets it go, gets angry and in his head and lets Art have it on conduct alone. So he sits back and waits, ready to be better, to prove himself to you once again, like every time he steps on the court.

Earlier that week. New Rochelle, New York. August 18, 2019:

Tashi is working, writing stats on her computer when she sees Patrick walking towards her from the corner of her eye. She rolls her eyes as he stops behind her, pointing at her screen before he speaks:

“He’s not bad, I played him at a few of these things when I did singles.”

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be practicing to not humiliate your wife before she carries you through the U.S. Open?”

“I just finished, thanks for caring.”

“Wonderful” she says, not a hint of amusement in her voice.

“Hey, come have a cigarette with me, I have to talk to you.”

“Yeah I don’t smoke, and I’m not talking to you.”

“Neither do I. It was just an excuse.”

She looks back at him, unimpressed, but he doesn’t let up. He stands there, staring at her until she gives in, closing her computer and standing up. Patrick is not sure what he is doing. He probably shouldn’t be doing anything at all, if he’s honest with himself. But he has dug a hole too deep to jump out of now, so he is going to follow through. He is doing this for you, he reminds himself, no matter how angry you’ll be with him at first, he is doing this for you. They find an empty alley and look back at each other, Tashi waits for him to speak, he takes his time collecting his thoughts before he does.

“I’m gonna propose something to you and it’s going to make you angry. It’s going to make you very angry,” he can’t help the smirk growing on his face, her expression doesn’t let up. “I want you to be our coach next season.”

“What?”

“Our coach is retiring, we need someone else. I want you to be our coach from next season on.”

“Does she know you’re offering me this position?”

“No, not yet. But she will, and she’ll agree with me.”

“You know that’s bullshit. Plus, why would I want to coach you guys? I already have a highly successful athlete under my wing.”

“Yeah, but even if he wins the Open and completes his career grand slam, Art’s still gonna retire as someone who was really, really good. That’s what you guys will have done together. But imagine if you could get your hands on us. Imagine if you could make us great. You’d go down in history. We have a couple more seasons. We still have a couple more good seasons and I need you to bring it out of us. What do you think?”

He doesn’t expect Tashi to slap him, turning his face completely, although he really should have. He mumbles a curse under his breath.

“How fucking dare you?” she sounds angry, too angry for his stupid proposition. “You want me to give you my best piece of advice? To coach you? Ok, quit.”

Patrick can’t even begin to think of a response, the murderous gaze Tashi gives him fixes him to the spot.

“Quit right now, right fucking now, quit.”

“What are you talking about?” he is too shocked to be offended.

“You’re dragging her down. She should’ve gone down in history as the best ever player. She would have broken records. She should have been good enough to beat the men, and she is what? Going around playing mixed doubles with you? It’s pathetic. Quit, and maybe she’ll have a chance at being an ounce of what she should’ve been.”

“You’re fucking joking”

And now Patrick is angry too. Because he is tired. He is so tired of the endless comments and judgment. He is tired of being blamed for ruining you and your career as if it hadn’t been your decision. As if it hadn’t been your idea. As if he was capable of ever doing that to you. As if he hadn’t begged for you to think it over a million times before you took a step that you wouldn’t be able to come back from. As if he hadn’t been the sole reason the world of tennis hadn’t lost you completely. As if he didn’t try harder than he had ever tried to be enough for you and make sure you never resented him or regretted being with him in any way. The thing that makes him the most angry, though, is that it’s Tashi. And how dare Tashi, the woman who had abandoned you and ruined your love for tennis in the first place, blame him for something she had pushed you to do. Something that was nobody’s fault but hers.

“You must be fucking delusional if you think for just one second that I would ever, ever, ask her to give up on her career for me. You know whose idea it was to play mixed doubles only? Y/n’s. She thought of it, she asked me to do it, she orchestrated every single little detail. And you wanna know why she did it? Because she hated tennis. She was going to quit. She couldn’t stand the thing she loved the most anymore. And you wanna know what made her start to hate tennis, even though her love for it never wavered before, not even with her borderline abusive mum who only loved her for her talent in it? You, Tashi. You did. You ruined tennis for her. So get the fuck off that high horse you continue to ride everywhere, because if there’s one person here to blame for ruining her career, it’s the one I’m looking at.”

He is out of breath when he finishes speaking, and he doesn't know what to do. He has so much shit he wants to throw at her, so much resentment for all that she had put you, and him, through. But he can’t say anything else, the second Tashi’s expression falls, even if it is only for a moment, he can feel his heart shatter inside his chest. No matter how much he hates Tashi, how much he resents her, he loves her. He loves her so much it hurts deep inside his chest, like an ache that is so present he had almost forgotten it existed. But looking at her right now, he feels it, pulsating all through him, and he knows, with a certainty he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge before, that he will never not feel this way about her.

“You don’t know what you’re saying” her voice is stern, but Patrick knows her too well to believe her tone.

“You hate me” it’s not a question. “And you hate her too. Me, for having her. Her for having the career you deserved. And it’s driving you crazy, because as much as you hate us both, you also love us. And as much as you love Art, you hate him too.”

“Excuse me?”

“You hate him because he is just Art, that’s all he can ever be. He will never be me, and he will never be her. And as much as you love him, just Art will never be enough for you.”

“I don’t know what gives you the right to speak about my marriage…”

“The same thing that gives you the right to speak about mine. Does Art know about Atlanta?” he cuts her off.

The pure, unfiltered shock on her face lets him know he has caught her off guard. She did not expect him to know about it. She collects herself quickly, but she doesn’t say anything.

“You keep saying you came here because Art needed matches, but I think you came for something else.”

“You think I came here for you?”

“And for her” he says nodding. “I’ve been signed up for this tournament for months, there’s no way you didn’t see my name in the participants list.”

“You think I came here, to throw it all away for you?”

“Maybe you just wanted to see us…”

“I don’t need to see you to know that you look like shit, and she should get as far away from you as soon as possible.”

She starts to walk away, decisively.

“I’m going to beat him,” he says, it stops her in her tracks, she turns her face to look at him. “If we both make it to the final I’m going to beat him.”

“Even if you did, it wouldn’t change anything.”

“It would break him, you know it would.”

She shakes her head and starts to walk away, too exasperated to come up with another hurtful retort about his failed career. She jogs after her, catching up with her pace almost effortlessly. He grabs her arm, makes her stop walking. He pulls up a piece of paper from the back pocket of his jeans.

“My number, in case you change your mind about the coaching… Or about seeing us again.”

“I won’t.”

He nods, shrugs his shoulders. Then, he watches her put the note in her pocket. He smiles.

New Rochelle, New York. August 24, 2019:

Patrick hasn’t looked away from you even once. You know even though you are looking into your lap. You are hyper aware of every single person around you. Most accurately, you are hyper aware of the woman next to you and the two men playing against each other. You play with your ring as you feel Tashi tell Art to focus. When you finally meet Patrick’s eyes he doesn’t smile. He raises his left hand and kisses the ring on his finger without breaking eye contact as the umpire announces the start of the next set. He crosses paths with Art as he makes his way to the other side of the net but he doesn’t move his eyes from you until he is getting ready to serve. You know then, with absolute certainty, that he is doing this for you.

Atlanta Open, Atlanta. July 18, 2011:

Even though Patrick and you both know why you are sitting in the stands during practice time instead of walking around the venue, or actually practicing, you are still shocked when you see Tashi and Art walk into the court. Your hand reaches for Patrick, holding on to his thigh as if on a rollercoaster that is suddenly going down. You both try to look composed and careless, but you don’t know if you are doing a good job. Art and Tashi do the same, pretending they can’t see you, even though you are the only other ones there and you stick out like a sore thumb. Patrick and you talk to each other, although neither of you would be able to recall anything said during your conversation, and share the fries you had bought before walking over. You pretend you just casually stumbled to sit there for a snack, that you hadn’t checked the schedule to figure out what time and what court Art Donaldson had for pre-match practice. Art hits the ball like he hasn’t been able to hit it in a while, grunting as his racket made contact with it. Tashi looks at you for a second, then back at Art. She nods, satisfied. You want to run away, want to erase that satisfied smirk from her face and your memory. But you stay glued to your seat, hand in your boyfriend’s thigh, heart pounding, and you take the way they ignore you like a punishment.

New Rochelle, New York. August 23, 2019:

The wind is relentless, the trees hitting against the window making repetitive thwack noises that remind Patrick of the sound of the ball hitting the racket. You have been answering emails and making calls to finish preparing things for tomorrow, the U.S. Open, and whatever lies in store for you both after that. Patrick knows that you’ve been messaging potential coaches and though the guilt pit on his stomach keeps growing, he can’t bring himself to say anything to you. He hopes you haven’t set in stone anything, because he is still delusionally confident that Tashi will accept his offer. He knows he should help, whatever you are doing affects him too, but he is too nervous to do anything productive so he just lays around, throwing a ball against the ceiling, or the wall, or whatever he can find. After the third time the ball slips from his hand too early or too late and hits you, you stand up and point to the door.

“Leave, right now” he makes no attempt to move. “Patrick, I mean it. I’m working and I know that you are nervous but you’re stressing me out so go down to the sauna, or get a drink or something that’s not going to make me ask you for a divorce or have to spend the rest of the night finding a place to hide your body.”

Patrick smiles as he stands up. He picks one of the keys from your bedside table and walks over to you, kissing your head before making his way to the door.

“I love you.” 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, love you too. Leave now, please.”

He giggles all the way down the elevator. He doesn’t feel like drinking, which means he doesn’t feel like making a fool of himself tomorrow for getting drunk the night before a match, especially not in front of Art and Tashi. So he walks around until he finds the sauna, maybe that will help him calm down. But as he gets naked and opens the door he can’t believe his bad luck. Although there is a white towel covering his face, there is no denying the naked man sitting right in front of him is Art Donaldson. Patrick doesn’t think there’s a world where he wouldn’t recognize him, no matter how much he’s changed from that scrawny blonde boy he once knew like the back of his hand. He thinks about turning around, walking out, pretending he never saw him, and finding something else to do for the night. But there’s no way Art hasn’t heard the door opening, and Patrick has never been one to run from conflict, not really. So he steps forward, lets his mind get a little bit caught up in the past, sue him he hasn’t seen this guy in years, and opens his mouth:

“Can you do me a favor? Can you not like, demolish me tomorrow?” He says it with the inflection of a pick up line, and before he can even finish his sentence Art is pulling the towel away from his face and looking at him like he already knew that it was him standing at the door, even before he said anything.

They are both smiling as Patrick pulls the sauna door closed and walks toward Art. He is acting far more comfortably than he feels, but if he stops to think about what is actually happening he might start shaking and poop his pants, which would be a terrible thing seeing as he isn’t wearing any. He gets way too close to him, and raises one of his legs on the bench, dick fully on display. Art makes a valiant attempt pretending he doesn’t look down.

“Hey, congrats on being a Phil Tire’s Town Challenger finalist.”

“Yeah, you too” Art says, looking forward to not have to look at Patrick, who is smiling far too wide for the situation they are in and the past that they have.

“Hopefully the wind dies down by tomorrow and we can have a fair fight” Patrick lets himself pretend this is normal, like they are two competitors getting ready for the final, maybe even pals catching up after not having seen each other in a while.

Art doesn’t let him have a second of the little fantasy he’s made up in his head, though. He slides down the bench, getting as far away from him as he can without looking like he is actually running away.

“C’mon, can we talk?” Patrick says, and his voice sounds pitiful even to his own ears.

“Can you put your dick away” Art’s voice is stern, but he looks him in the eye for the first time since he walked in, so he counts it as a win.

“This is a sauna,” Patrick scoffs, putting up a fight so Art won’t notice he’d do anything he told him to. “Look, we've been here for a week and we haven’t said two words to each other. It's just… it’s silly, man. It’s dramatic. I mean, really, why are you so angry with me?”

He sits down, obeying Art and covering his dick. Art is finally looking at him, really looking at him. It has the same effect it did back when they were kids, Art looking at him makes him feel brave. He can’t stop himself from rambling on.

“Look, I don’t buy that it’s because of Tashi, I don’t think it’s because of what happened to her. And I hope it’s not about Y/n, because you have no right… So, I think, maybe, you’re just really disturbed by the fact that they could’ve been into someone like me. Both of them”

“Tashi liked you when we were teenagers.”

“Sure, but I just got married to the girl you said was the love of your life.”

“I ended things with her.”

“And you regret it every single day of your life,” Patrick knew, because it was the same way you and him felt about him and Tashi, “and you know that Tashi does too.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“We both know that if Tashi had been a little more brave back then, she would’ve never taken either of our numbers. If she had been a little bit more honest with herself, she would’ve swept Y/n away and neither of us would’ve had a chance with either of them.”

“That still happened when they were teenagers. When we were teenagers.”

“Huh” Patrick looks thoughtful. “When they were teenagers…”

Atlanta Open, Atlanta. July 18, 2011:

You slip out of your room in a t-shirt that is definitely not yours and the first shorts you stumble across on your way to the door. You can’t sleep and Patrick’s soft snores, which you often find endearing, are getting on your nerves. He doesn’t stir, even as you close the door softly behind you. You don’t know what you are doing, or where you’re going. You take the stairs down, needing to move your body for a little bit. You walk outside, feeling like no matter how hard you breathe in there’s not enough air in your lungs. You lay your weight against the brick wall of the hotel. You get your breathing under control after a couple minutes of staring at the sky trying to look for constellations you don’t know the name of anyways. When you turn around, to go back inside the hotel, you realize that right next to where you were standing there’s a window to the hotel’s bar. There, sitting down, nursing a glass that you can only assume contains something strong, already staring at you, is Tashi Duncan. You don’t know what you’re doing, but you let your feet guide you inside. Then, instead of going up the stairs like you should, you take a right turn and walk right into the bar. Tashi finds you immediately, having been looking at the door. You don’t understand what you’re doing, but before you can think about it you are sitting right in front of her. You haven’t looked at her this up close in years. You search, but you can’t find many differences. She looks exactly like the girl you knew with her hair a little shorter. You wonder if it’s the same on the inside, if the million secrets you knew about her still hold true. If you could still tell which of her smiles were fake, or when she was about to cry but was trying to hold it down.

“I heard you gave up,” she whispers after a minute of staring into each other’s eyes.

“I quit singles, I didn’t give up,” but you can tell she doesn’t really believe you, so you scan her, trying to find something else to talk about. Your eyes lock on the ring in her finger. “That’s a gorgeous ring.”

Your fingers find your own ring instinctively. You don’t know if you’re trying to make sure it’s still there, or if you are trying to ask your dad for strength. Her gaze lowers, first to your ring, then to her own.

“It’s his grandmother’s.”

You nod, you know what that means. Art had always talked about wanting to propose to his future wife with his grandmother’s ring. Back when he fantasized with you about it, it was your hand that ring ended up on. He always talked about taking you to the residency so you could meet his grandmother, completely sure she would love you and give you her blessing immediately. You think of your own sentimental family ring, unsure you would ever be able to trust anyone enough to carry it, no matter how much you loved them.

“How is she?” you ask, more out of politeness than anything else, you never got to meet her, after all.

“She died. Stroke”

You grimace, knowing the feeling of losing the one person who truly believes in you too well.  You look around, trying desperately to find something to say, you will your brain to remember the million icebreakers and conversation starters you had been forced to memorize for the awfully boring networking parties your mum used to throw for you. You come up with nothing, so you look back at her and lean over the table and she imitates you. Your faces inches away from each other. You feel drunk even though you haven’t had a single sip of alcohol all day. You don’t question it, Tashi always made you feel like you were going crazy and a little bit drunk. It must be that what pushes you to say what comes out of your mouth next:

“I miss you.”

She doesn’t say anything, but she leans further over the table, getting impossible close to your face without touching it. Then, when you are completely sure she is going to tell you to go fuck yourself and leave her alone, her hand makes her way to the back of your neck pushing you towards her until your eyes meet. There might be a million things that have changed since the last time you did this, but kissing Tashi Duncan feels exactly the same as the first time you did it. It feels like coming home.

New Rochelle, New York. August 23, 2019:

“You’re right” Art says finally, leaning his back against the wall. “I do find it disturbing.”

“There’s no need, man. Lots of girls were into me, but only one of them wanted to marry me. I’ve always thought that was not what I was for, so I don’t know how I did it.”

“Yeah, neither do I.”

Patrick feels his entire skin burn with the way Art looks him up and down. He curses in his head the years they’ve spent apart and the secretive, mature person Art has become, he can’t read him like he could. He can’t tell if he is teasing, or trying to humiliate him. He can’t tell if he’s angry, or just as desperately sad as he is.

Atlanta Open, Atlanta. July 18, 2011:

You don’t know how but you and Tashi have stumbled onto a hotel room that you don’t recognize. It’s much bigger and fancier than yours so you assume it’s hers. You want to ask where Art is, if he is about to walk in on the two of you making out on his bed, but the way she is kissing you makes you forget about everything. You roll onto the bed, hands on either side of her face as hers roam your body freely. It’s too much and not enough simultaneously and you moan and pant on her lips. It’s everything you’ve always dreamt of and you can’t help wanting more. More of her and her body, of her lips, more of her heart. You try to not be greedy, take what she gives you, and soon you’re seeing stars and rolling over, breathing with difficulty.

“That was…” 

“Yeah” she mumbles.

“So… What happens now?”

“What do you mean what happens now?” she seems confused as she stands from the bed, walking around until she finds your clothes.

“We just had sex,” you say, obviously.

“Look, we shouldn’t have done this. It was a mistake.” She throws your t-shirt at you, you put it on slowly.

“A mistake?” you’re getting angrier by the second, but you don’t want to yell and alert whoever is sleeping in the room next to this one.

“Yeah, we will act as if nothing happened.”

“What about Art?

“He doesn’t need to know,” you shake your head as you finish putting on your clothes.

“That’s fucked up.”

“Do not act as if I was the only one who cheated! Aren’t you and Patrick dating?”

“I never said that! You can’t just run away from everything you refuse to accept. You haven’t talked to me in years!”

“Yeah, and it should have stayed that way.”

“One day you’re going to wake up and realize that everything you’ve refused to accept all your life is catching up to you, and by then, it might be too late.”

“Get out” she says, instead of replying to what you said, you don’t need to be told twice.

You manage to hold back your tears until you are standing in front of the elevator. You’re fully sobbing when the doors open, revealing a very confused Art. You see him step towards you, but you refuse to let either of them continue breaking your heart. You step backwards, then turn around. You run until you find the stairs. By the time you make it back to your room you look like a mess. You knock on the door, you must have left your key in Tashi’s room but you are too upset to care about that or waking Patrick up. His entire face changes when he opens the door. Worry taking over his expression.

“Y/n, what happened? Where were you?

You fall onto his arms, sobbing. He leads you in, closing the door behind you. You don’t speak until you’re both seating in bed.

“I saw Tashi… And I… We…” you don’t say anything else, but you don’t need to, he understands.

He holds you through the night. The next morning, you forfeit the tournament and go home.

New Rochelle, New York. August 23, 2019:

“Honestly, I thought you’d be happy I was in the draw” Patrick is not ready to let it go, to shut up and walk away from Art, he doesn’t know when’s the next time he’ll be able to talk to him again, so he runs his mouth. “I mean, you’ve always wanted to beat me in a tournament, and two weeks before the open… It’s the perfect confidence booster.

He settles on cocky because he doesn’t know what else to do. He has never been very good at being vulnerable, not with Art, and no amount of therapy is going to make him start now, when he can see how done he is with him from a mile away.

“I know what you’re trying to do right now,” Art smiles.

“I’m not trying to do anything, Art,” but he doesn’t know if he’s telling the truth. “This is a challenger, I don’t need to play mind games with you.”

“Right, you don’t give a shit.”

“Hey, I didn’t say that…”

“We both know that you have a considerably higher stake here than I do.”

“Do I?”

Art laughs, but there’s no real humor to it. Patrick does too, trying to conceal the way he is sure his entire body is shaking.

“Oh, fuck… Where do you get your swagger from, man?” Patrick can tell, from the way Art is looking at him, that this is the part that’s going to hurt, he doesn’t try to stop it. “I mean you come in here swinging your dick around like I’m supposed to be afraid of it but do you realize how embarrassing it is that you are here right now?”

“Not quite as embarrassing as you being here,” Patrick has never known a way to back down, so he stirs the pot.

He’d rather have Art yelling at him or humiliating him than not talking to him at all. His therapist would not be very proud.

“I’m just stopping by, man. You would live here if it wasn’t for her” there’s a pause, suddenly Patrick wants to take everything back, run away with his tail between his legs, but it’s too late. “You know, I’ve always tried to figure out what happened to you, but the more I thought about it the more I realized… It’s what didn’t happen. You never grew up. You still think you can talk to me like you’re my peer because we came from the same place, because you’ve managed to stumble into some of the same competitions. But it’s not about where you came from in tennis, Patrick, it’s about winning. And I do, a lot. And you only do because you tricked Y/n into playing with you. But one day, she’s going to wake up and realize she wasted her entire fucking life in a pathetic man who thinks he’s the shit because he won the junior U.S Open a trillion years ago. And then, you’ll be left with what you deserve: nothing.”

“You’ve never beaten me,” he says, as if it’s what matters out of everything he said.

He says it because if he focuses on what Art said about you, he might cry. He doesn’t want to cry, not in front of Art, not right now. He doesn’t have enough willpower to fight him, like he knows he should, like he did with Tashi.

“So what? I haven’t beaten most of the guys who play in these things, or the ones who only make it into the big tournaments playing doubles. This is a game about winning the points that matter.”

“I don’t matter?” he doesn’t know why he says it, or what he is expecting to get in return.

“Not even to the most obsessive tennis fan in the entire world,” his voice is monotone, tired, Patrick wants to crawl out of his skin.

“We’re not talking about tennis.”

“What the fuck else do I have to talk to you about?”

“I wanted to come in here to wish you good luck, Art,” he says, and he means it.

“That makes no sense,” Art scoffs, looking away, he’s talking to himself more than Patrick.

“I wanted to say that I’m looking forward to it, I miss playing with you,” he is being vulnerable, but he knows Art won’t believe him, which is probably why he says it in the first place.

“Yeah,” he nods his head and he looks amused, but Patrick can see right through him, he’s about to finish him off. “Well, I don’t miss playing with you, man. I’m too old for it.”

As soon as the door is closed behind Art, Patrick lets himself drop onto the bench. He tells himself he is not going to cry. There’s tears running down his face by the time you open the door of your room to him. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t need to, you understand.

[firenati0n]

wip wednesday <3 :)

hello it is 12:41am and officially wednesday for me and i can feel in my bones that today will be a day of roop rest. i am feeling the beginnings of a sickness coming on and i want to scream. if you don't see me reblogging these please forgive me, i am so so sorry. <3

here's a snip from a new wip with no real title. the doc is called "doomed romance" and it's my very loose a star is born x orpheus and eurydice au. it will be tragic angst with no hea because i am feeling many turbulent emotions rn personally and this helps me channel it :) if you poke me hard enough I'll spill the whole plot to you in discord DMs (tumblr bans me when i message more than 2 people jafksdjflsf). so there's that!

i shared this already in an ask for the wip title game but who cares. here you go! :)

Alex got his very first guitar from his father, a gift for his seventh birthday, along with private lessons. Always the performer, always the charmer. Flitting around, singing made up songs about the beauty of dinner rolls on Thanksgiving. Humming tunes he wrote to convince his mother to let him stay the night with friends, to stay up a little longer, to experience the world a little more. Music became his escape, lilting melodies his release, mesmerizing harmonies a reprieve.  When Oscar and Ellen divorced, Oscar fled to the coast, leaving Alex alone at fourteen with his guitar and a memory of love that wasn’t meant to last. Alex played his guitar until his fingers bled, alone in his room, suffocating from emotions he couldn’t put into words, leaking into his music.  He penned his first EP a year later, eyes wild from racing thoughts and imagination and pain and fear. He posted a video on TikTok on a random evening and woke up to overnight viral fame.  No one could resist his soulful brown eyes, framed by doe lashes, sitting pretty on a face one could only describe as biblically gorgeous. Dark curls, a chin dimple, the cheekiest smile—Alex was marketable perfection in the sweetest package.  But fame comes at a heavy cost. 

xoxo roop

+ no pressure tags under the cut:

@kiwiana-writes @getmehighonmagic @tintagel-or-cockleshells @cricketnationrise @sherryvalli @dumbpeachjuice @littlemisskittentoes @ssmtskw @tailsbeth-writes @lizzie-bennetdarcy @leojfitz @songliili @eusuntgratie @wordsofhoneydew @heybuddy-drabbles @happiness-of-the-pursuit @ninzied @bigassbowlingballhead @anincompletelist @rockyroadkylers @inexplicablymine @myheartalivewrites @suseagull04 @sparklepocalypse @onward--upward @nocoastposts @user-anakin @matherines @celeritas2997 @gayrootvegetable @affectionatelyrs @tinyarmedtrex @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @14carrotghoul @orchidscript @rmd-writes @dustratcentral @magicandarchery @leaves-of-laurelin @msmarvelouswinchester @whimsymanaged @tintagel-or-cockleshells @zwiazdziarka @indomitable-love @cha-melodius @anchoredarchangel @theprinceandagcd @gay-flyboys @read-and-write-

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 9/12/2023

this series not sponsored by murphy's wood oil soap but boy do i wish it was

listening

this song popped up as the first video when i opened accursed tiktok to figure out what the deal was with that german engineer lady digging a storm shelter in her basement. this is the specific recording i want but the second video with a slightly longer intro... u have got to see Abel Selaocoe in motion performing Ka Bohaleng/On The Sharp Side.

i feel like every time i see a video of a cellist they're doing some absolutely bonkers shit and producing sounds i did not know a stringed instrument could make

-

reading

i am constantly chasing the very high highs of raymond chandler's philip marlowe detective noirs. Human Target, a DC extended universe thing by Tom King and Greg Smallwood got real damn fuckin close.

i took thirty-five screenshots while reading these twelve issues. they are such a lush love letter to midcentury advertising. it luxuriates in period-typical stylized coloring in a way i do not see very often. i hope mr smallwood gets sucked silly every night.

one of the reasons for the tuesdayposts is to force myself to look at new things, bc sometimes i find shit i really like. i am remarkably unwilling to consume new things when i am not feeling good, even though new things i like are…not a keystone, but really up there holding together some arch in the viaduct of mental health or whatever.

anyway Christoper Chance is a man with a very specific skillset: perfectly imitating wealthy clients to lure out assassins. he takes a fatal does of poison meant for Lex Luthor and has about twelve days to solve his own murder before he dies. this is an EXTREMELY compelling reason for someone to haul ass through an entire noir novel in less than two weeks.

let's make some comparisons to other spy media i've seen in the last month. christopher reminded me a bit of loid forger from spy x family: same hypercompetent backup plans for backup plans and incredible disguise skills. im sort of...positively? fascinated by him, as opposed to the (also entertaining) train wreck of james bond's psyche slamming up against soft targets for two to two and a half hours. like there is womanizing in Human Target, but it is not the time-filling bond girl eye candy. do not worry, christopher FUCKS.

it is self contained within its twelve issues so i didn't have to read eighteen other crossovers and have encyclopedic knowledge of c- and d-listers from the silver age of comics. it was a very fair mystery. the twists and turns weren’t stupid. i know that’s not a terribly helpful observation but sometimes in a mystery…it takes a fucking stupid turn. most importantly imo it sticks its landing and understands that a noir is a subgenre of tragedy.

how’d i find it: has a pretty cover, stood out from the crowd on hoopla. americans, you probably have access to hoopla through your library!

-

watching

@andmaybegayer referenced the youtube channel About To Eat in a recent mondaypost and i was so enthralled by this man's confident, dulcet, soothing and mustachioed tones. i had forgotten that i could in theory make french onion soup like myself. at home. soup season will not begin here for many months here and even then it's kind of pushing it, but i would like to eat some soup without melting!!!

overall About To Eat's recipes are a bit beyond my skill level and ability to prepare things in one sitting without joint pain but they are a display of competence i find very fun to watch.

-

playing

ive rationed all my picture slots for other slots but i did finally obtain two of the country-specific fishing rods in genshin impact. they were extremely irritating to obtain but i trust you'll understand i'm quite pleased with myself.

-

making

unphotographable things:

reactivating the dried sourdough starter from the horrible woods apartment of 2021, unforch rn it does look like when my cat regurgitates her kibble

sprayed the new couch down with some rather nasty insectide just in casies, it is still degassing in my office with the fan at helicopter speed and the balcony door open and towels shoved under the inside door for another 24h, also made plans to dye a big canvas dropcloth and strategically pin it in place for a cheapo slipcover

coffee table specific unphotographable things:

finally finished cleaning all seven

had to violently strangle the urge to repaint certain inner sections and made peace with touching up the worst of it with an oil-based paint pen bc let's be real nobody is going to look closely at that but me

pried some corrosion off one of the little brass decorative thingies, now it looks bad in a slightly different way

photographable things:

now this is a fun little record cabinet. i haven’t seen many pieces out in the wild that have that sort of vertical bullnose detail. makes me think of thirties waterfall dressers with their molded plywood rounded upper edges.

i can’t decide if the veneer on this piece is starting to really go (it is heavily crackled esp on the sides) or it was once owned by a smoker. the photo below is of the THIRD round of cleaning this front panel after upping the cleaning mix to a HEARTY 2:1 water/soap, and this was not the worst panel on the piece. mostly it really just smells like old wood? i don’t THINK the innards are cedar, bc that would be an odd choice for a record cabinet, but it is an oddly fragrant base wood.

there are some details that make me think it was never a terribly high end piece, or was maybe repurposed into a record cabinet? the veneer is quartered but somewhat indifferently matched, it has very indifferent nailhead finishing, and im not sure if the casters and record slots were later additions. i think the little door catches are original, but they aren’t magnetic yet which starts ruling out some later mcm. i would hazard this was made right before or right after wwii, but realistically it could be early thirties-early sixties. no makers marks :(

i will refinish this eventually. a bit nervous about how the front bullnoses might come out, i don’t really want to fuck around with veneer repair or like. grain painting. that’s for insane ppl and antiques dealers and i am clearly neither

free of ghosts, spider eaten on the house no additional charge with the friends and family discount

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary152

2/13-14/2024

tuesday - wednesday

hopefully i will recover soon.

but i should have called out, i am like, in serious pain rn, it makes me feel like, i can't do anything, like i can't make music rn, i can't do anything, i just hurt, feels like fire and stuff in my back and on my skin, very tender, i need to sleep like now basically. so not a lot to say, basically working overextended me, and as soon as i got home i basically just kind of have fallen apart in terms of functioning, i can't cook, and idk what to eat, and i am so hungry, or was, when i got home, i was so hungry it felt like i had to puke, i've eaten some snacks but nothing tangible, standing hurts, moving hurts. my body feels really prisonlike rn, everything is hurting as much as it can, or maybe not, not as much as it can, just way more than it should.

anyway, outside of that, here's something good, someone in a server, this woman who knows a lot of whitebelt bands and stuff, she dug this up, today, and the whole yt channel had a bunch of songs off this, so i made it a playlist so people can listen easier. it's really good, great whitebelt, makes me very happy to hear it:

this has the playlist if you go to it. i really love both of their screams, i need to scream like that a bit more on the album i think. i also like how everything sounds, not as crisp as i'm trying to make things, but maybe i can find a better way to get this sound, i think my saturation idea can help w/ this, at least.

another thing, here's me from work:

wish i were cuter or something but there i am, suffering.

or, not or something, i jsut wish i were cuter and prettier. i look weird and pensive. but that's just cuz of pain probably... i hope.

this album is pretty instructive, in some ways, honestly, like the 2nd song, there's this synth that sounds like a guitar, it has that quality not cuz it's super bright, but cuz it's weirdly sharp and dim. gotta go there for squelchy scrape-y stuff i suppose. i am excited to hear the bigger problem songs, and see what i can do thinking in that direction.

i do just feel like an awful mess rn, i hate being sick, i shouldn't have to ever get sick. what did i do wrong. i don't deserve this . .. god, please take this away.

earlier today i sneezed and felt like my bladder exploded but as i think back on that, i wish i had the presence of mind to imagine the ways that might be a pleasant feeling or something, to imagine it as my gf stabbing me in my belly or something. instead i was just like, confused by all the suffering. the whole shift felt like i was on benadryl and trying to sleep. it was pretty easy though.

anyways i need to freaking sleep and i hope tomorrow my sinus pressure fuckup stuff goes away and i can at least mix without my ears feeling funny. i am in hell . i need to sleep, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[honeypiehotchner]

My Deep Blue Love (Tom Hiddleston x Fem!Reader) -- Soulmate AU one shot

This was 100% born out of boredom and loneliness and those damn Soulmate AU POV Tiktoks that I have seen practically 24/7 for the past WEEK on my fyp

(I’m not sure if I’ll do a part 2, rn I have no plans for it)

quick note on the technicality of this one: you lose all ability to see colors when you turn 12 and you don’t regain the ability until you meet your soulmate. but! you have to meet them in person and it has to be a mutual eye contact. pictures/videos of them don’t work, and if you just saw the back of their head or something in person, that doesn’t work either. it’s all about the shared eye contact babeyyy

small disclaimer: Brie Larson is mentioned in here and she has a wife, but that is very much only in this fic, and as far as i know Brie doesn’t have a wife irl lol (i also don’t know if she’s spoken about her sexuality at all so what i’m saying is take it with a grain of salt ok)

Summary: Everyone around you is meeting their soulmate, but you still see in black and white. You’re ready to give up, and basically have, when you lock eyes with your soulmate.

Warnings: None! Just a bit of angst, lots of fluff toward the end 

You knock on your mom’s bedroom door at 4:58am. She’s already awake, sitting up in bed, ushering you over.

With tears in your eyes, you crawl onto her bed, snuggling close to her chest.

“I don’t want to lose my colors,” you whimper.

“I know, baby,” she whispers, kissing the top of your head. “It’s okay.”

You were born 12 years ago on this day at 5:08am, so in a few short minutes, when you officially turn 12 years old, all color will drain from your life.

Or the colors could stay, but that’s only if you’ve somehow already met your soulmate. And that’s rare, nearly impossible.

You squeeze your eyes shut at 5:07 and you don’t open them again until 5:10.

The colors are gone.

+++

twenty years later

You sigh heavily as you receive yet another wedding invite. You are invited to witness the official beginning of Olivia and Jeffrey’s lives together as husband and wife, soulmates for all of time.

The glitter sticks to your fingertips, tiny black dots against your skin. Your friend told you it’s gold. You barely remember what that looks like.

Lately it seems like everyone has been meeting their soulmate. Just yesterday, you were having coffee with a friend when she looked up at the girl sitting behind you, and boom.

“It’s like the world just exploded,” she had said. Colors were everywhere. She immediately left you to go talk to the girl.

You don’t blame her for that. If you had met your soulmate, you probably would’ve done the same thing. But you can’t say for sure because you don’t know.

You wouldn’t be so cynical of it all if your boyfriend of five years didn’t meet his soulmate while the two of you were out at dinner. You wish you could say that he was faking it. But it was clear from his face (and the girl’s) that he wasn’t kidding. It was real. He had met his soulmate, and it wasn’t you.

It’s never you.

You’ve had guys cut off dates before they even start, all because they didn’t see colors when they laid their eyes on you. They refuse to even be friends with you.

All anyone is doing anymore is searching for a soulmate and it’s exhausting when none of them are yours. When all of your friends see color now. When everyone assures you that it’ll happen soon. What does soon even mean?

You grab your ice cream from the freezer and fall onto the couch, flicking to whatever channel has late night shows that aren’t complete garbage.

As usual, you find yourself watching a talk show, and tonight Tom Hiddleston is one of the guests.

You’re sort of familiar with him from a few movies, but other than that, you hardly know anything about him.

“So, Tom, we’ve all been wondering what’s going on with you and Brie Larson?”

“Brie?” Tom asks, clearly shocked to hear this question. “We’re just good friends, that’s all.”

“Oh, she doesn’t make you see any colors?”

“Ah, no, actually, she does not,” Tom chuckles, but doesn’t sound sad at all, surprisingly. “Her wife does that for her, not me, I’m afraid.”

“Oh really?” The host brushes past the mention of Brie’s wife and keeps the focus on Tom, of course. “So is that true, you still don’t see color?”

Your ears perk up at the mention of someone else not seeing in color. It’s rare for anyone to talk about this on television. Most celebrities don’t talk about whether or not they’ve found their soulmate, but more often than not, those that have are quite loud about it.

“Yes, that’s true,” Tom answers. “I still see the world in a lovely black and white.”

You snort, harshly jabbing your spoon into your ice cream. Lovely. Yeah, right.

“Do you really think it’s nice? Do you not miss the colors?” The host asks.

“No, no, I do. I do,” Tom admits. “But I like to think I’ll see them when the time is right.”

You groan, going to Google to look up his age. And when you see he’s 40, you groan even louder. He’s older than you and he still hasn’t met his soulmate. That’s just depressing. How can he sound so optimistic?

“Alright, well, if there’s one thing you wish you could tell your soulmate, what would it be? Maybe they’re watching right now, you never know.”

Tom smiles wide. “Maybe, maybe, um… Oh, so many things,” Tom exhales deeply. “I guess I could be cliché and say I can’t wait to meet them and wait for me, but I think I want to say… I think I want to say I understand. It is frustrating, still seeing in black and white, but our paths will cross soon, I’m sure of it. Until then, my eyes are blue.”

Blue. Blue.

You roll your eyes. You don’t even remember what the color looks like.

+++

seven months later

“I am not going to a movie premiere. You’re insane!”

“Please!” Your friend, Catherine, cries. “You’ll love it, I swear.”

You glare at her over your coffee. “That just makes it sound like you have a trick up your sleeve.”

“I don’t,” she says. “I just want you to take advantage of this and come with us! When will you ever have the chance to go to a movie premiere again?”

She has a point. Dammit. “Touché. How did you get tickets, anyway? Please tell me you didn’t spend thousands for this.” You wouldn’t put it past her, even though you tell her not to every time before she does something like this.

“God, no, Joe surprised me with them earlier. He said he went to school with the lead.”

“Oh. Cool. Who?”

“Tom Hiddleston, I think. Have you heard of him? He’s British, but that’s about all I know. Joe just said they ran into each other the other day and reconnected.”

You stop halfway through a sip of coffee, careful to not choke on it. Slowly, you nod. “Yeah. I...I’ve seen him in a couple things.”

“Apparently, he hasn’t met his soulmate either…” Catherine trails away, raising her eyebrows at you.

You roll your eyes. “I heard,” you set your cup down. “He’s probably met them by now though since he blasted it on television like that.”

“Or he’s still searching and you’re still being too cynical.”

“You’re probably right,” you chuckle.

“Sooo, you’ll come?”

You sigh heavily. “As long as you help me pick something to wear.”

+++

“I’m regretting letting you talk me into this already,” you mutter when you nearly trip in your heels.

“Oh, hush,” Catherine swats your arm. “It’s an excuse to get dressed up and look hot for no reason. Take it.”

“Fine.”

Catherine’s soulmate, Joe, was whisked away almost as soon as the three of you stepped inside the venue by some director (you think), but he promised to return in a few minutes. Catherine told him not to worry. She’s used to him being dragged away for conversation. You can see from her face that she’s more proud of him than anything, and not at all annoyed.

Currently, you and Catherine are standing near the small bar, waiting for them to announce that it’s time to take your seats. You desperately want a drink, but part of you knows it would be a bad idea.

One glass of wine can’t hurt, though. Maybe it’ll take your mind off the pain in your feet.

You peel away from Catherine when you see Joe coming back, and you flag the bartender down quickly.

After ordering a glass of white wine, you wait patiently, wishing you had chosen a dress with sleeves. It’s fucking cold in here.

“Darling, you’re shivering, are you alright?”

Your head turns toward the smooth voice, face set and mind trying to decipher whether or not it was a sincere or creepy comment when the world quite literally explodes.

There, standing beside you, concern written all over his face, is Tom Hiddleston. Only now the concern has washed away into awe when your eyes lock with his.

“Oh my god,” he whispers, stumbling even though he’s standing in place.

“Blue,” you murmur. “Your eyes are blue.” Without even thinking or asking, your hand lifts to cup his cheek, and then you pull back, “Shit, sorry—”

But he grabs your wrist gently, placing your palm on his cheek. “It’s alright.” His thumb strokes the back of your hand. “I have been looking everywhere for you.”

“I thought you didn’t exist,” you whisper in reply. But here he is. His eyes are blue, his lips are pink, he has tiny brown freckles all over his rosy cheeks. You look back to his eyes, narrowing your own. “You liar. Your eyes have green in them, too.”

“Do they really?” Tom chuckles. “I never would’ve known.”

“That’s why you have me,” you tease, and you don’t know where any of this is coming from, yet it doesn’t feel like you’re pretending. It feels like you’re finally yourself.

His other hand tangles with yours as he nods. “That’s why I have you, indeed.”

At this time, the lights in the theatre begin lightly flashing, signaling that it’s time for everyone to begin making their way to their seats.

But neither you or Tom move one inch.

The only issue is people are beginning to stare.

You notice it first, so you slowly pull your hand from his cheek. This movement shocks him back to reality, too, and he blinks a few times, yet he doesn’t let go of your hand.

“I, um, I have to make a speech,” he says. “But then I can come back to you. Will you save me a seat?”

“Don’t you have to sit up front?”

He nods. “I do, but—”

“Then I’ll come with you.” You aren’t sure if it’s the fact that he hasn’t let go of your hand yet, or if it’s because you’ve been waiting so long that now you don’t want him to be further than an arms length away from you, but you mean what you say.

“Are you sure?” He asks, but you both need to make a decision quickly because you can see someone waving from the wings, most likely trying to get Tom’s attention.

“I’m sure.”

He doesn’t question it, in fact, he grins, and brings your hand up to his lips, kissing your knuckles. “Let’s go, then.”

[free-pool-trash]

Okay, can I requests all free! boys (maybe add for albert and kaede too) with s/o who is youtuber (they s/o is pretty famous though) and what kinds of video would they like to do together. I love your writing and tq for it and don't forget to stay safe🥰🥰

Hey lovely! 💕 i love this request so imma pump it out rn (hey Free! queens haven’t seen yall in a while, how we doing? 😎)

Im just gonna do for style 5 + Albert and Kaede for now but let me know if you want the rest 😉

This is actually something I’ve thought about a lot so lets get into it 🤩

Did i proof read this? No ❤️

Haru:

He’s that boyfriend who supports you in everything you’re doing while simultaneously having absolutely no clue what you’re doing

For example; vlogging absolutely boggled his mind at first

“Who are you talking to?”

“Oh I’m just vlogging, do you wanna say hi?”

“Vlogging?”

“Yes, say hi.”

“BuT tO wHo?”

After a while he gets used to it though

“You’re vlogging? Hey guys.”

You have to beg him to be in videos otherwise he won’t do it

When he does though it’s usually a good old “How well do we know each other challenge” and sometimes you can even manage to rope him into one of those “picking each others clothes” videos

He’ll make appearances in vlogs though

Actually quite likes holding the camera

He ends up seeing fans in public and when they come up to him he’s like “👁👄👁 how do you know who i am?” But after the initial shock he’s really nice to them

Will facetime you so they can say hi

Absolutely 100% gains a fanbase of his own

All the comments under your videos with him are the funniest things ever with some gems such as:

“Haru really said 😐(😍🥰)😐”

“POV: ur the camera seeing Haru actually smiling ❤️👄❤️”

“#saveharu”

Makoto:

Supportive king!!!

Hands down your number one fan

He’s always offering to help you with your videos

Is always down with being in videos with you

His favourite thing is making videos like story times and doing gaming videos with you

Which are usually pretty chaotic and funny

The gaming videos provide your subs with a lot of cute y/n-makoto content

“Babe I suck at this”

“No you don’t, you’re the best” he says it really quietly while smashing buttons and taking his game very seriously

Vlogs are the best too, he talks to the camera like he’s on a FaceTime

“Oh! Hey guys, how are you all doing? I hope you’re doing good.”

Your fans love him

You’ve earned the “mom and dad” title

Since they love him so much you often let him take over daily vlogs

“Hey guys. Y/n isn’t feeling great today so you’re stuck with me!”

The comment section:

“Hi dad 🥺😭”

“Imagine having a boyfriend who loves u enough to literally do your job for you when you’re sick 😭😭😭😭”

“Whose gonna tell y/n that her boyfriend contemplated bringing home like 5 different cats 😳”

Everyone wants you to give him an e-boy transformation

You’re still trying to convince him

Rei:

I think he’d really enjoy doing videos with you

Not camera shy at all

The man has a lot to say

His partner has a beautiful online presence and he’s super proud of you!

He’d love making videos that have a little bit of competitiveness to them

Loves a challenge

Playing boyfriend tags with him is stressful af because he has the date of everything you’ve ever done memorised

Absolutely BODIES the swapping clothes for a day videos

He’s a really good sport and your fans really like him

“Rei looks better in a skirt than I do, you guys...”

“I simply can’t help my calf muscles, my love.”

Not great with vlogging

The comments you get:

“Rei when the vlog camera comes out in the mall 🙈 i do not see🙈”

“I wanna see them wear matching outfits 👀”

“Y/n please ask Rei to start up a studying channel 😭”

You actually rope him into making a study tips video with you

To be fair he does most of the talking and you just listen and look at him like 🤩🥰

He loves interacting with fans

He’s always liking and commenting on fan edits of you on Instagram

Nagisa:

Jenna and Julien. Jenna and Julien. Jenna and Julien. Jenna and Julien.

Most chaotic baby on camera

Craft! Videos!

Also chaotic challenges

King of gaming videos

He also is willing to let you put make up on him

“Nagisa, I’m begging you, please sit still.”

Absolutely does not sit still but gives you a lil kiss

He’s so sweet on and off camera

Most of your vlog content is just him doing golden retriever boy stuff

Your audience adore him

Videos come up in your suggestions and they’re all like, “Nagisa being chaotic for ten minutes straight”, “Y/n trying to get Nagisa to pay attention for 4 minutes.”

He gets so excited when your doing videos together, “Yeah guys, this is actually my channel now. I’m taking it over.”

“No he isn’t.”

“Yes I am. Sorry babe but you’re fired.”

Mr. Steal your channel

Rin:

😍😍😍 am i right?

First of all; he’s such a heart throb

Your fans are obsessed with him

He always wants you to work out with him so you decide to get some content out of it

Video gems like “Eating like my olympian Boyfriend for a week”

“RinRin, how the fuck are you even still alive?”

“It’s a salad, Y/n, not a bowl of air.”

“Who the fuck orders a salad at a restaurant, Rin?”

“I’m so sorry that you guys have to hear this profanity.” He says to the camera as if he doesn’t swear every five seconds

Those are usually the types of videos you guys make together

The comments you guys get when he’s feeling lovey in a video

“Oh to be Y/n 😓”

“Alexa, play sweater weather by the neighbourhood”

“The way he looks at her. Im in pain.”

“If they ever break up, i want you to put me down.”

Vlogging at the movies is hilarious because 99% of the time when you come out he’s crying

“Guys please stop telling Rin to take his shirt off on camera, he literally can’t say no and it’s distracting.”

Rin swimming content is highly requested

And what can you say? You give the people what they want 😌✨

Albert:

He’s into it

Once the camera comes on, this man becomes a comedic legend

“Hey guys, today we’re uh, doing something. I’m gonna be honest I don’t know, I didn’t ask. My girlfriend pulls out the camera and I do what I’m told.”

“We’re going to give you different aesthetics.”

He’s like 🤗 “oh okay go for it”

Very complient

He’s down for absolutely anything

“Content is content baby”

Sometimes he just comes into your video room and hijacks your videos

“Thought I’d pop in and say hi”

And by pop in and say hi he actually means sit beside you and look at the camera like he’s on The Office

Oh my god do the fans love this man

He trolls them

He sees comments like, “Y/n is so cute! 😍” and he’s like, “That’s why she has a boyfriend.”

They love him though and if he sees them out in public he’s super sweet

Kaede:

(Im ngl this dude kinda scares me)

Probably has to be coaxed into making videos with you

I get the impression that this man is cocky on camera

Did someone say ✨pda✨

“K, I’m making a video”

“So?”

Doesn’t really interact with fans

Or pay too much attention when he’s actually filming with you

He doesn’t really care but he does it because it makes you happy

He’s more responsive when it comes to vlogs

“I’ve convinced y/n to come to the pool with me, she doesn’t swim but she looks hot in a swimsuit. Not as good as I do, but still.”

You have to cut a lot of the stuff he says out of videos

He makes so many innuendos

✨comments✨:

“It’s the way Kaede doesn’t care about literally anything for me 🙈”

“Someone please check on Y/n, she’s TIRED 😩😓.”

[sun-dari]

I am bad at liveblogging so here's some ramblings:

Liandrin is almost cartoonishly evil right off the bat and honestly good for her

So they're making Egwene ta'veren too, it is understandable but how Moiraine knows about it at all?

Oh wow holy shit those are not mountains those are skyscrapers

So this is where the British (?) accent strikes, I had to turn on the subtitles already, even though usually I don't have a problem with this

Cute chickens!!

Lan's introduction is like a scene out of a western, it's so funny

They are having a staredown but the door is wide open, someone please close it is still raining oh my god

I refuse to say anything about Perrin's wife

I also refuse to say anything about character assassination of Abell and Natti Cauthon. That's just painful to watch

Randgwene is so weird

As is this bathing scene. Why?

They are really trying to hint it's Egwene, I think it's going to piss off so many people both now (those I couldn't care less about tho) and down the line (and those might start a discourse, ugh)

Oh, another scene out of a western!

Rand has the best places for brooding.

Rand and Egwene can talk like normal human beings, the couple of years they aged them up by really shows

Nynaeve my beloved!!!!!

There is a reason no one can remember their previous lives. Yeah

Tam I love you. Show I know what you did and I am crying right now

I also love how they changed Bel Tine. A festival like this makes perfect sense in this world

I take back my decision not to talk about Laila. I actively hate what the screenwriters did there

Channeling looks mostly just weird, I'm not sure if I like it (no I'm sure. i don't.)

No, please not Moiraine infodumping. It's not only out of character but also out of place rn. The sudden monologuing is spoiling my impression of the whole episode

It really does feel like maybe 10 minutes of the episode are just missing here at the end

[racingliners]

F1 2022 Re-watch: Round 3 - Australia 

So yeah re some previous rambly posts, I subbed to F1 TV because I was kind of tuned out for the bulk of the 2022 season and bc it ended up being Seb’s last season in F1, I wanted to re-watch all of them in full. bc Seb caught covid (😭) I’m starting from Australia!

Since I’m mainly doing this for the laughs I have no idea what I’m doing avwvguhrgug I’ll probably put a lap number before any sarcastic comment for context.

Anyway, onwards! (under a read more bc this will get chatty)

Starting with the F1 intro. noice. (quietly bops)

As I am a religious Channel 4 viewer I just got major whiplash from Will Buxton doing commentary esblhrlbi.

I actually really like Albert Park, it’s not a bad track, dare I say it quite underrated.

Seb in 17th, the AMR22 really was a tractor 😭

Jolyon Palmer?!?!? I forgot he worked for F1 these days.

I’m also really not used to Aus not being the tradional season opener. Does not pass the vibe check.

[Start/Lap 1]: A clean turn 1???? sounds very fake.

A clean first sector???? sounds very fake

My god I can’t believe the grid all had their braincells on the first lap. Astounding.

[Lap 2]: nvm Sainz spun into the gravel. (I very vaguely remember this from C4 Highlights)

Unrelated, Zhou’s helmet design is really pretty.

[Lap 3]: Aston Martin Safety Car!! My beloved!! (The soft spot I now have for them after Seb’s two seasons with AM asdfghjkl)

[Lap 5]: Oh, pitting Lance to run the mandatory compound for 1 lap, then pitting again for hards. That’s clever. (Bernie Collins and Seb shared AM’s braincell lets be real).

I’ve also very suddenly realised that while I’m re-watching all of Seb’s races from 2022 bc it was his last season, there is no guarantee I will see much of Seb. I did not think this through.

I have once again slipped back into the routine of constantly checking for Seb’s name on the leaderboard. (pls don’t ask me how I’m going to cope this year bc I probably won’t)

I’m also humming the jaws theme everytime one car gets close to another.

Still not used to Will Buxton commentary eagheguh Palmer & Sam Collins are great though!!

[Lap 11]: Not Seb going through the gravel and dropping to plum last 😭

[Lap 12]: The McLarens following the Mercs. Merc on Merc powertrain violence

[Lap 13]: “Lots of unforced driver error” It’s because we had such a clean first lap that the racing gods demanded clownery as payment.

Unrelated but I said this to a mate the other day, but I miss glossy car liveries!! The matte ones are fine but shiny liveries just hit different. (Merc please go chrome for 2023 it would be v sexy)

[Lap 16]: Anyway Seb in P16 woo

Kevin mowing the lawn at turns 9 and 10

[Lap 18] Ah Leclerc leading Verstappen by almost 9 seconds. Remember when we had hope for the title fight? (Man watching the season long Ferrari clown show back is going to be fun, and by fun I mean devastating).

Speaking of car liveries, please have less black on the car this year McLaren. It just makes the car look unfinished. The accents of blue are so pretty though.

(I love how this is the most important thing on my mind rn eaugheuigh)

[Lap 22]: Seb thinking about an overtake!!! And the camera cut away!! why???

[Lap 24]: Seb DNF noooooo 😭😭😭😭

(I really should have looked up race results before starting this huh)

Well, zero joy sparked. But I have paid for F1 TV so we carry on through gritted teeth.

The AMR22 was a tractor, but damn it she was a beautiful tractor.

[Lap 25] “Keep getting unlucky with safety cars” Me 🤝 Lewis: Permanently traumatised by the 2021 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix

“The only time we will see an Aston Martin leading the race this weekend” Will Buxton I will fight you

[Lap 26]: THE FUCK Yuki, Mick do not frighten me like that.

I still keep checking for Seb on the leaderboard even though he’s out. Pain.

Back on livery watch: The blue and pink Alpine my beloved.

[Lap 30] oh we have passed half-distance. yay.

Lewis getting past Nando: ‘Cause I seee sparks flyyyyy’

[Lap 33] Bold of anyone to call Magnussen “Alonso’s rear gunner”

[Lap 35] Cuts to Leclerc in case we forgot about him

[Lap 36] “Is that Ferrari very slow or...?” “No that’s just how it looks” And yet Apollo gave them the gift of prophecy re the second half of the season 😭

Another livery watch update: Alpha Romeo v pretty.

[Lap 39]: Oop Verstappen DNF

Back to livery watch: Red Bull I’m begging you to go back to having a dark metallic blue instead of the matte navy. Keep the bright red tho.

The “Leclerc you’re my red flag”  sign. Bestie that does not mean what you think it means.

[Lap 41]: The midfield once again saving the entertainment value of the race. I fully support Fernando’s rights to go a little bit feral.

Albert Park when the sun starts to go down >>>>>

(Yes a circuit’s aesthetic/surroundings completely plays into whether or not I like it. shh)

[Lap 45]: ...did AM tell Lance that he got a penalty or?????

[Lap 46]: How did I not notice Albon in P7??? pet power! (he still had to stop but whatevs)

[Lap 48] Albon on 46 lap old tyres 😳

I have now learned I’m watching the F1 TV feed and not the global feed (which I’m assuming is Sky F1???) so I’ll need to actually pay attention to what I’m clicking on for the next race 😅

[Lap 49]: It’s taken almost the whole race for Nando to start bitching on the radio iaefbhsebh. At least it feels like a race now (said with the upmost affection for my favourite menace to society)

[Lap 51]: There you go Nando, Pierre got past Lance

also is Alex going to pit at some point???

“I think don’t hit the one [car] painted the same as yours” F1 TV make Sam the lead commentator pls.

“The McLaren is a quick car” words I thought I would never hear

[Lap 54]: Charles 🤝 RBR Seb: Can I go for the fastest lap 👀

I also think it’s bs that you have to finish in the top 10 to get a point for the fastest lap. If you get the fastest lap, you should get the point. Don’t disrespect the non-points finishers like that @FIA 

[Lap 56]: Three laps left and Albon still hasn’t pitted

Williams did you forget about your driver????

Shit I’m emotionally invested in Albon now

Oh man if his tyre fails I will not take it well

[Lap 57]: Don’t cut to Leclerc!!! I need to know if Albon has pitted yet!!!

There he is!!!

[Lap 58] “Are you still awake” Perez @ Williams pit wall

Oh thank fudge Albon pitted

[Lap 58/end] Charles & Ferrari taking a dominant win. doesn’t feel real tbh.

Albon got P10!!!! hell yeah!!!

Charles really did learn from Seb by going for fastest lap despite being told not to vvuuehrfgusrhguh

Rocky name drop!!! Yes I’m still fond of him shhh 

Okay so that race was a bit of a slow burn, ty to the midfield for bringing the bulk of the entertainment. Overall 6 and a half front wings out of 10.

[navegandoaciegas]

idk if your doing requests or what but maybe librarian!bucky with kids or something. idk just found out i’m pregnant and need somethinv good

i am taking requests! the librarian!bucky oneshot is coming out tomorrow, but now i’m posting this quick hc for you :) i wish you good health and all the happiness in the world. ☀️

Warnings: pregnancy, smut, explicit language, soft!librarian!bucky, fluff, oral sex in a library, very slight breeding/lactation kink.

librarian bucky is the biggest softie in the world who’s spent all his life reading and daydreaming about the things he wishes for the most...

...until you accidentally barge into his bookstore and all he’s only ever dreamt of with his nose between the pages becomes a reality

when you announce that you’re pregnant, he’s shocked at first, and then he cries and tells you between sobs that you’ve made him the happiest man in the whole universe

talks to your bump everyday and gives you back rubs

he’s always hunched over books anyways, so he might as well do lots of research on pregnancy and childcare

constantly reminds you he’s the luckiest man alive because of you

“buck” you whine, waddling into bucky’s bookstore at closing time, locking the front door behind you, a frown etched on your face, “‘m tired and heavy, and it’s all your fault”

he finds the pout on your lips adorable. “lemme help you princess, i’ll make you feel so much better”

and he does. he carefully lifts you up and sets you on one of the desks, his hands slowly caressing your thighs. the loving look in his eyes is enough to make you melt

he peppers your cheeks, forehead, nose with sweet kisses, and you giggle when his stubble tickles you

he grazes your lips with his until you both part your mouth, your tongues exploring eachothers’. you committ his taste, his smell, his warmth to you mind as you tangle your hands in his hair, and the kiss slowly loses innocence

you’re horny all the time because of your hormones, he’s even hornier because he gets to see you all swollen with his child. nothing’s ever made him prouder. or more aroused.

“please baby, i need you to do something” you beg, your head swimming in a daze as slick quickly gathers in your underwear and you feel your core tingle with warmth

“anything for you” and you know he means it

he gets on his knees between your parted legs and bunches your flowy dress at your waist. slowly hikes up from your knees to your core, dragging your panties to the side and admiring the sight of your drenched pussy

“all this for me?” his fingers tease your entrance and smear your arousal around. he doesn’t need to ask, but he’s a cocky little shit so he does anyways

he delves in your swollen folds, humming appreciatively at your tangy taste, swirling his tongue and nose around your sentitive clit as your slick covers his beard

you’re writhing above him, grinding your hips to fuck yourself on his face while your sweet moans and whimpers bounce off the walls. “please, please more, i need it so bad bucky, please”

he complies, doubling his efforts as he dips two thick fingers in your channel, pleased when he finds you hot and open, all for him

he crooks his fingers inside you and jerks his hand, and you feel the coil in your core getting tighter

he keeps pumping in and out of you as he latches his mouth on your clit and sucks hard, pushing you over the edge. the intensity of your orgasm has every nerve ending on your body on fire, and you gush on his face, covering him in your release

“feeling better now?” he asks, very satisfied with his results as he licks your cum off his hands and face

“never felt better”

bucky has made it his life mission to pamper you

he will rub moisturizers and oils all over your belly, butt and thighs to prevent stretchmarks

does prenatal yoga with you

he makes love to you everyday, worshipping your body like you’re a goddess, reassuring you that he thinks you’re the sexiest woman on earth when you’re sulking because your feet are swollen and your belly is so big you can’t even see your legs

he’s obsessed with the way your breasts have tripled in size and he constantly massages them to relieve your pain

“they feel so heavy and tense” you complain, tears pooling in your eyes, “do something”

he accidentally finds out he has the biggest lactation kink trying to help you

lives to serve and suckle on your nipples

sometimes you cry because you think you won’t be a good mother, and he does his best to assure you that you’ll both do just fine

will always remember the moment he got to hold your child for the first, laying his small body on his bare chest, as the best in his life

sobs harder than the baby themselves because he’s just that happy

can we also take a moment to appreciate dad!librarian!bucky?

he’ll read countless books to your baby before they fall asleep, going the extra mile to make sounds effects and switch voices for each character

having read so much he’d be the best storyteller in the world. always tells a story before bed, or else the kid refuses to fall asleep

when they’re old enough, he brings them to the bookstore with him, hoping to pass his passion along

“sweetheart, can we have another one please??”

he can’t wait to see you all swollen with his child again

I’m so soft rn 🥺 please leave some feedback!

Masterlist

[seoafin]

i just noticed, that when i compared kaikai kitan’s lyrics from those lyrics channel/ websites with eng translations & from jpnese websites, the kanjis aren’t the same, that’s why it seems um, “choppy” so i decided to try translate the ones from jpnese website (it seems more reliable LMAO, i’ll add the links for the comparison [if u want to] in the end) AND IM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG ASKS

(before i start, i still have a rly long way to go with this language so i’m so sry if there’s any mistranslations 🙇‍♀️)

[note: literal meaning = with → ; idiomatic/ my (shitty) personal take = with ⇒]

有象無象 人の成り(uzo-muzou, hito no nari) = small fry, what (or how) a man is composed of

虚勢 心象 人外 物の怪みたいだ (kyosei, shinshou, jingai, mononoke mitaida) = fictitious, an image, a monster, it's like a demon spirit/ ghost

→ small fry, a man is composed of fictitiousness & an imagination : it's like a monster or a demon spirit/ ghost.

⇒ humanity is just like a mixture of small fries. ppl are usually trying to show their goodness, but it's superficial (“humans are built from lies. there’s always an underside to the emotions and actions shown on the surface. but negative emotions...like hatred and murderous intent never lie.” - jogo). they’re not the human being, but like monsters/ the fake one. [cursed spirits’ pov?]

虚心坦懐 命宿し(kyoshin-tankai, inochi yadoshi) = feeling calm, new life springs

あとは ぱっぱらぱな 中身なき人間 (ato wa pappara pa na nakami-naki ningen) = at the last a foolish, empty man is left

→ calm spirits were gifted lives. what left is the foolish & empty (hu)man.

⇒ and now, the nature, which people fear, were gifted lives as the cursed spirits. they’re the genuine "humanity." except for them, the rest are just the assemblage of foolish & hollow people. [from the stand point of cursed spirits]

寄せる期待 不平等な人生 (yoseru kitai, fubyoudou na jinsei) = with an anticipation/ expectation, with an unfair life

才能もない, 大乗非日常が (saino mo nai, daijo hinichijo ga) = without talent, the days out-of-ordinary that i arrived in to save the people

→ my life was an unfair and inept one, and i just lived with some anticipation. now, i’ve arrived in the days out-of ordinary to save the people.

⇒ though he expected how his life would treats him, all he can see are the unfair deaths of the ppl. yuuji, a boy without any talent (no cursed technique/ a capacity for jujutsu), has gotten involved in the days out-of ordinary to save others.

⇒ geto told himself that protecting ppl is his job, & struggled for their peace. but, the constant unfair deaths of his allies even though the weak they’re trying to save are foolish is the truth. the days out-of ordinary suddenly comes to the ordinary, non-talented people (the village ig)

怨親平等に 没個性 (onshin-byodou, ni botsu-kosei) = treating equally both my foes and friends, and with no personality stands out

辿る記憶 僕に居場所などないから(tadoru kioku, boku ni ibasho nadonaikara) = pursuing my memory for my existence, nowhere is left

→ i rmbr that i treated ppl equally even the ppl who had no personality that stands out (might be a continuation of the prev line), but i have nowhere to go now.

⇒ once, geto treated ppl, both shamans & non-shamans equally, but the latter didn't have any personality stand out in themselves bc of their ignorance; besides, [sometimes] they show their hostility to them (how the twins are treated in the countryside). after eliminating them, he remembers the days with his friends, but there’s nowhere to go [stsg confrontation ig]

夢の狭間で 泣いてないで (yume no hazama de naitenaide) = don’t cry (like that) in the gap between the dreams

どんな顔すればいいか わかってる(don-na kaosureba iika, wakatteru) = how to express my feeling on my face is that, i know/ understand

だけど まだ応えてくれよ(dakedo mada, kotaete kureyo) = but answer me for a while longer

→ i know (/understand) how i should express my feeling, but answer me for a while longer.

闇を祓って, 闇を祓って(yami wo haratte (2x)) = purify the darkness (2x)

夜の帳が下りたら 合図だ (yoru no tobari ga oritara aizu da) = when the curtain of the night has been lowered, it's the signal

→ shamans exorcise cursed spirits within a curtain (tobari)

相対して 廻る環状戦 (aitai-shite, mawaru kanjo-sen) = in opposite (/on the other hand), unending/endless battles go around

戯言などは 吐き捨ていけと(zaregoto nado wa hakisute ike to) = for words like nonsense, i was told to spit out them and go

→ they (?) told me to spit out such nonsense like words, and just go ahead.

まだ止めないで まだ止めないで(mada tomenaide (2x)) = don't let it stop for now (2x)

→ don’t let me stop for now (2x)

誰よりも 聡く在る 街に生まれしこの正体を(dareyorimo satoku aru machi ni umareshi kono sho-tai wo) = the presense being the smartest for the identity born in this town/ this identity of the creature born in this town exists as the smartest one.

今は ただ呪い呪われた僕の未来を創造して(imawa tada, noroi-norowareta boku no mirai wo, sozou shite) = for now, just create my future that was cursed /it creates my cursed future

⇒ itadori’s life was flipped upside down after eating the finger and turned to a vessel, but he continues on anyways to see the cursed future

走って転んで 消えない痛み抱いては(hashitte koronde, kienai itami daite wa) = run and slip, and with embracing the pain that doesn't leave me

→ i’ll keep running though sometimes i slipped, along with embracing the pain that doesn't leave me.

⇒ on the way, yuuji’s been through some tragedies and he’ll encounter much more. even so, he’s going to embrace the pain that won’t ever fade away (maybe abt junpei..?) [1]

世界が待ってる この一瞬を(sekai ga matteru, kono isshun wo) = the world is waiting for this moment

抒情的感情が 揺らいでいくバグ(jojouteki-kanjou ga yuraideiku, bug) = emotions are changing their forms with a bug

→ the BUG causes my emotions to change gradually.

(tbh i’m still confused on how to translate this)

↳ 揺ら yura = waver/ unstable ; 抒情 jojou = description of one’s feeling

従順に従った欠陥の罰 (jyu-jyun ni shitagatta kekkan no batsu) = the punishment of the defective who followed obediently

⇒ it’s a punishment, geto, as a defective carried bc of following it (a person, ig??¿)

死守選択しかない 愛に 無常気 (shishu-sentaku shikanai ai ni, mujo-ki) = the choice left is to protect it at any cost, love and the heart that feels everything dies/ change easily

↳ or, impermance in love, there’s no choice but to protect it until the very end(/ at any cost) with a heart that feels everything change/ dies easily

声も出せないまま (koe mo dasenai mama) = my voice hasn't been able to be raised/ without being able to raise my voice

傀儡な誓いの無き 百鬼夜行 (kugutsu na, chikai no naki, hyakki-yako) = without any vow that were empty like a puppet, hyakki yako (the night parade of the 100 demons)

→without any vow, geto caused the hyakki yako. it’s like he’s just a marionette, being empty (maybe it’s implying that 🧠 is controlling it rn)

数珠繋ぎなこの果てまでも (juzu-tsunagi na kono hate mademo) = even to the end where everything (every event in this world) is linked together

⇒ even after gojo killed him

極楽往生 現実蹴って 凪いで(gokuraku oujo, genjitsu kette, naide) = rest in peace, kick the reality, and calm down

→ rest in peace? it doesn't exist in the reality, so i kicked it, and then calmed down

⇒ geto can’t even have a peaceful death, he wants to kick (read : strangle) the reality which has his body in a shaman’s control

命を投げ出さないで (inochi wo nagedasanaide) = don't throw your life away

内の脆さに浸って(uchino morosa ni hitatte) = bask in the fragility of one's heart

→ don’t throw your life away without basking in the fragility of your heart

どんな顔すればいいか　わかんないよ (don-na kao sureba iika wakan-naiyo) = i don’t know how i should express my feeling (with my face)

今はただ応えてくれよ(imawa tada kotaete kureyo) = but just answer me for now

→ i don't know how i should express my feeling, but answer me just now

五常を解いて 五常を解いて(gojo wo toite (2x)) = disentangle gojo [confucianism] (2x)

→ disentangle the thought of gojo (2x)

⇒rescue gojou (from the prison realm) [explanation at the end]

不確かな声を紡ぐイデア(futashika na koe wo tsumugu idea) = the idea deliberates the unclear voices (that’s hard to hear)

相殺して 廻る感情線 (sousai shite, mawaru kanjousen) = countervail something, and the continuous emotion going around (/ looping/ revolving)

→ my continuous emotion is going around in my mind with (sth ?¿) countervailing it [i actually wanna go w neutralize it but it seems off]

その先に今 立ち上がる手を(sonosaki ni ima, tachiagaru te wo) = on the road ahead, now give me the hand to raise myself up

→ give me ur hand to raise myself up to see my future (yuuji’s pov(?)?))

ただ追いかけて ただ追いかけて(tada oikakete (2x)) = just by following / u just kept following them (?) [2x]

⇒ yuuji following in gojo’s path (taking the line after this into acct)

誰よりも強く在りた���と願う 君の運命すら (dare yorimo tsuyoku aritai to negau kimi no unmei sura) = even the fate of yours despite of your desire that being stronger than anyone else

→ even the fate of yours despite of the desire that being stronger than anyone else,

⇒ most likey yuuji, and his line, “i want to become strong. please teach me to be ‘the strongest’”

今はただ ほの暗い夜の底に (ima wa tada, honogurai yoru no soko ni) = just only for now, at the bottom of the gloomy (/dim) night

深く深く落ちこんで(fukaku fukaku ochikonde) = deeply, much more deeply (it) falls

→ it has only fallen to the bottom of the gloomy night deeply, much more deeply for now.

⇒ (+ the continuation from the previous line) this may implied shibuya (?), only more than 4 hours passed for the whole arc after all and yuuji witnessing what happened to nanami and nobara in front of his eyes [2]

不格好に見えたかい (bukakko ni mietakai) = seems (seemed) uncool?

これが今の僕なんだ (korega imano bokunanda) = this is what i am, how my present being

→ this is what i am, what i can be now

何者にもなれないだけの屍だ 嗤えよ(nanimono nimo, narenai dakeno, shikabaneda waraeyo) = i'm just only a dead that can't be anything, anyone, you can ridicule me (for it)

→ you can ridicule me. i'm just only a dead that can't be anything, anyone.

⇒ geto (?) and his wild goose chase (?) but now he’s dead and someone is using his body

↳ 屍 = can also be corpse

目の前の全てから 逃げることさえやめた(menomae no subetekara, nigeru koto sae yameta) = everything in front of me, i’ve quit running away from/ i’ve quit running away from all the things surround (/in front of) me

イメージを繰り返し 想像の先をいけと (image wo kurikaeshi, so-zo no saki wo ike to) = keep drawing inspiration, and go over the (/ ur) imagination

⇒ (+ continuation from the last line) this one may refer to yuuji’s strong will or megumi in jjk 58 “with a firm base, skill, and imagination...a person can change to the slightest of events”

闇を祓って 闇を祓って (yami wo haratte (2x)) = purify the darkness (2x)

夜の帳が下りたら合図だ (yoruno tobari ga oritara aizu da) = when the curtain of the night has been lowered, it's the signal

相対して 廻る環状戦 (sou-sai shite, mawaru kan-jyo-sen) = in opposite (/on the other hand), unending/endless battles go around

戯言などは 吐き捨ていけと(zaregoto nado wa, hakisute ike to) = for words like nonsense, i was told to spit out them and go

→ they told me to spit out such nonsense like words, and just go ahead.

まだ止めないで まだ止めないで(mada tomenaide (2x)) = don't let it stop for now (2x)

→ don't let it (/me) stop for now (2x)

誰よりも 聡く在る 街に生まれしこの正体を(dareyorimo satoku aru machi ni umareshi kono sho-tai wo) = the presense being the smartest for the identity born in this town

→ this identity of the creature born in this town exists as the smartest one.

今は ただ呪い呪われた僕の未来を創造して(imawa tada, noroi-norowareta boku no mirai wo, sozou shite) = for now, just create my future that was cursed /it creates my cursed future

走って転んで 消えない痛み抱いては(hashitte koronde, kienai itami daite wa) = run and slip, with embracing the pain that doesn't leave me

→ i’ll keep running though sometimes i slipped, along with embracing the pain that doesn't leave me.

世界が待ってる この一瞬を(sekai ga matteru, kono isshun wo) = the world is waiting for this moment

a) a proverb :

虚心坦懐 (kyoshin-tankai) = literally : empty// void; heart// mind// spirit; level// wide; pocket; heart

↳ the feeling "calm" or "relaxed" / the generosity without any prejudice/ with an open and calm mind, with no preconceived notions, without reserve, frank, candid

↳ 虚心 = a lack of prejudice/ preconception; 坦懐 = inner peace

↳"虚心坦懐 (が) 命 (を) 宿す" = "the feeling calm was gifted a life/ a new life springs." would be the meaning. it may describe the origin of the cursed spirits that may come from humans’ defilements / klesas or fear of natural disaster

a) 6 buddhist terms :

1) 有象無象 (uzo-muzo)

↳ literally : exist-shape-nothing-shape

it can be the mob/ masses. it’s a combination of the buddhist phrase : all things; things with physical forms and things without physical forms; material/ immaterial , visible/ invisible to denote the entirety of existence. by extension, “a large number of unexceptional people; the unwashed masses”; a term used to belittle mob behavior or “the common folk.” it’s probs humans from the cursed spirits’ perspective/  jogo’s “true humans” talk

2) 大乗 (daijo) = "the great vehicle" this word came from, "大乗仏教 (daijo-bukkyo)" = mahayana sect/ doctrine. mahayana emphasizes altruistic practice—called the bodhisattva practice—as a means to attain enlightenment for oneself and help others attain it as well [aka gojo who attained “enlightment” but stays in the figurative endless cycle of life and death, the college]

3) 怨親平等 (onshin byo do) = the attitude to treat friend and foe equally/ one’s foe and friend is equal/ hate and affection is equal

↳ the word byodo is connected with (平等王 byodo-o) = king impartial judge/ 10 kings (judges) of the underworld [this one is based from chinese taoism] and one of them is yama (sukuna’s mudra) who judges the dead on the 35th day    [3]

4 無常気 (mujo ki) = the heart that feels everything is fragile/ impermanence of the world, usually changing easily (it came from a chinese translation of a buddist scripture)

↳ 無常 = impermanence (nature of life)

↳ 気 = mind

5 数珠 (jyuzu) = the item to count the times of chanting the sutras, which form is the same to the bracelet strung with beads. the number of beads of the bracelet is 108 which signifies klesas/ curses + 4 smaller beads signifying the great 4 bodhisattvas, and the usage is similar to a rosary.

6 極楽往生 (gokuraku oujo) : "極楽" & "往生," has its own meaning each:

↳ 極楽: perfect bliss; the pure land of amitabha’s buddha (in buddhism pure land sect/ doctrine)

↳ 往生: death; dying a happy death.

↳ it’d be easier if we make "極楽往生" ⇾ "being born in the pure land after life/ rebirth in paradise (the word is a reference to the pure land section doctrine of amitabha buddha’s paradise/ pure land)

personally, i’ll go with “a peaceful death/ getting a rest in peace” (bc of the promise of reciting amitabha’s name would be born in the pure land, free from the samsaric cycle so they can focuse on attaining nirvana thing). the word “極楽往生” sort of reminds me of yuuji’s & his wish to give ppl a “just death” even though that his “just death” isn’t properly defined in the manga (yet), maybe....it stemmed from his grandfather’s seemingly “peaceful death” even though he wasn’t surrounded by ppl? (hahaha 😃🔫)

c) 3 puns :

↳ kanjo-sen : (環状戦[loop line/ transportation belt line]& 感情線 [emotion])

but the kanjo-sen used in the lyrics is "環状線", the sound might be a metaphor of it which means "loop line"

↳ so-zo: 創造 (creation)/ 想像 (imagination)

↳ warau: 嗤う ([to be] ridicule(d)/ laugh at) /  笑う (laugh)

d) double meaning phrases

1)五常 (gojo) = i’ll quote the wiki definition ⇾ confucianism or ruism, which is "the 5 moralities/ virtues (benevolence [仁 jin], justice & truth [義 gi], courtesy [礼 rei] , wisdom [智 chi], and trust/ faith [信 shin])” of what the mankind should keep," taught by confucius who is one of the philosophers of china.

"五常" also relates to buddhism : it’s the 5 precepts/ commandments ⇾ not to kill, not to steal, not to engage in sexual misconduct (the earliest scripts only said abt adultery), not to lie (including gossip), not to consume intoxicants (actually this one is still up for debate, whether u can drink or sth else but not till u lose ur inhibitions bc u have to keep ur mind clear and all or just completely abstain from it)

2)解く (toku) ⇾ a verb which means solve/ liberate (break free)/ disentangle

↳usually, in jpnese, ppl use "説く (teach with speech)" as a verb rather than "解く" for thoughts including "五常." the kanji must have been changed intentionally

↳ hence : rescue/ free gojo

btw, in this song there’s 3 variation of kanjis for the word loop/ circle, which might be the theme all along = 廻, 環, 数珠. and the lines incorporated in the song seem to be written to make them matched for the story continues + the song itself is a perfect loop if u take the beginning and ending of the mv where yuuji woke up from his sleep and fell asleep at the end

extra = if u noticed this sentence : どんな顔すればいいか わかってる

(don-na kaosureba iika, wakatteru) = how to express my feeling on my face is that, i know/ understand

だけど まだ応えてくれよ(dakedo mada, kotaete kureyo) = but answer me for a while longer

change into this :

どんな顔すればいいか わかんないよ (donna kao sureba iika wakan-naiyo) = how to express my feeling on my face? i don’t know/ understand

今はただ応えてくれよ(imawa tada kotaete kureyo) = but just answer me for now

→ I don't know how I should express my feeling, but answer me just now.

the transition of hope to despair/ hopeless?

and "凪いで" (naide) might just rhyming with "投げ出さないで" (nagedasanaide.)

i was genuinely surprised that those anime songs (op-ed) lyric channel translated this 1-3 weeks after when usually they get others out within 3-5 days, but when i see the kanjis.....understandable 😁 (bc if u give me this without any romaji i’ll probably just try until eventually i give up)

PSA AGAIN : i’m not gonna say this is the “right” translation bc i still have a long way to go with the language and this “translation” came from someone who learned jpnese just bc i got tired of switching back and forth between google translate and fanart/ fics, i have no idea what it said and it just looked interesting 😭 - 🐱

i forgot to give the links 🧍

the jpnese websites : a, b, c

eng : a

and the others are from utube just search “kaikai kitan lyrics” - 🐱

ok after you sent me this last night i totally didn’t cry myself to sleep listening to the song

what is the POINT in alluding to the suffering of the shibuya arc when anime only watchers are not going to have any idea of pain that awaits them i....they’re sadists....😭😁😭

[colourful-dots]

sooo @eskamtrash tagged me in this days ago and i'm finally getting around to doing it :)

Rules: post the first twenty songs in a playlist on shuffle & then highlight all that apply to you below

like sara i'm doing my on repeat because the last playlist i created was in december

ZITTI E BUONI - Måneskin

Shampoo Bottles - Peach Pit

Soldi - Mahmood

A Kiss - The Driver Era

Tainted Love - Soft Cell

Growing Pains - COIN

MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name) - Lil Nas X

Take a Chance on Me - ABBA

Is Everybody Going Crazy? - Nothing But Thieves

Youuu - COIN

Call Me - Blondie

Honey - Robyn

Pumped Up Kicks - Foster The People

Pretty Girl - Clairo

Talk Too Much - COIN

Lotus Eater - Foster The People

Dark Side - Blind Channel

Tainted Love /Where Did Our Love Go - Soft Cell

If You Think This Is Real Life - Blossoms

Crash My Car - COIN

APPEARANCE

I’m an I-need-to-pull-the-driver-seat-all-the-way-in kind of a person // i wear glasses or contacts // i have blonde hair // i prefer loose clothing to tight clothing  // i have one or more piercings // i have at least one tattoo  // i have blue eyes // i have dyed or highlighted my hair // i have gotten plastic surgery // i have or had braces // i sunburn easily // i have freckles // i paint my nails // i wear makeup // i don’t often smile // i am pleased with how I look // I prefer nike to adidas // i wear baseball hats backward

HOBBIES AND TALENTS

i play a sport // i can play an instrument // i am artistic // i know more than one language // i have won a trophy in some sort of competition // i can cook or bake without a recipe // i know how to swim // i enjoy writing // i can do origami // i prefer movies to tv shows // i can execute a perfect somersault // i enjoy singing // i could survive in the wild on my own // i have read a new book series this year // i enjoy spending time with friends // i travel during school or work breaks (i mean not rn but yeah) // i can do a handstand

RELATIONSHIPS

i am in a relationship // i have a crush // i have a best friend i have known for ten years // my parents are together // i have dated my best friend // i am adopted // my crush has confessed to me // i have a long-distance relationship // i am an only child // i give advice to my friends // i have made an online friend // i met up with someone i have met online

AESTHETIC

i have heard the ocean in a conch shell // i have watched the sunrise // i enjoy rainy days // i have slept under the stars // i meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // i enjoy the smell of the beach // i know what snow tastes like // i listen to music to fall asleep // i enjoy thunderstorms // i enjoy cloud watching // i have attended a bonfire // i pay close attention to colors // i find mystery in the ocean // i enjoy hiking on nature paths // autumn is my favourite season

MISC

i can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // i am the mom friend // i live by a certain quote // i like the smell of sharpies // i am involved in extracurricular activities // i enjoy mexican food // i can drive a stick-shift  // i believe in true love // i make up scenarios to fall asleep // i sing in the shower // i wish i lived in a video game // i have a canopy above my bed // i am multiracial // i am a redhead // i own at least one dog // i have a cat

thank you sara  💕💕 not tagging anyone because don’t know who has done it and who not

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 27 - watching notes

Who needs sleep? Sleep is for the weak.

Oh no, the lantern ceremony. The line that had lwj go oh ... oh 😭😭

I have no words

This scene this scene

Again, I didn't type during the scene

I honestly have no words

Wow I'll just take some screenshots and let them speak

....

....

....

And it WAS a symbolic break-up scene. Damn it

Are they honestly returning to burial mounts?

So wwx decided that the Clan world was just too toxic for him and so just decided that a mountain made of literal corpses swarming with dark energy was the nicer option

Not saying he's wrong ...

"We are old friends now" sounds a little ... ominous

Jiang Cheng tries, he does,but quite frankly,he is massively out of his debt and I have a feeling he is going to react in anger once more :/

I have the strong urge to throw Jin Guangshan off some mountain

Oh FUCK YOU!!!

He knows exactly which buttons to press

I wish wwx was here to channel my anger at these daft idiots and self-serving opportunists 😡

Lan Wangji!!! I love you more than words can tell rn

Holy shit, Jin Guangyao is the definition of silver tongue

MIANMIAN!!!!! YES!

My queen! Thank you! The only one who's speaking up (who isn't in love with wei Wuxian. Sorry lan Zhan, darling)

And she's from the Jin sect no less

Or 😳😳😳😳 no longer!

Oh girl ... I love you so much!!!

That's some courage

She just voluntarily gave up her social standing, her entire live to stand for what is right!!!!

I am in awe

You woman, have more backbone and dignity than the entire cultivation world combined

And that's the second time I cried this episode. That's how proud I am of her

And btw, because of her action, nobody in that room can claim that they had no choice but be complacent. She was by no means the most powerful person in that room and she still chose to stand against her own sect.

I realise that there are good people in that room who merely try to avoid conflict (*cough* lan Xichen *cough*) but this is a classic case of good people doing nothing allowing evil to run rampant

Lwj's inner turmoil and pained glances don't help my emotional state right now

The thing that most intrigues me rn is what he is going to do now

Honestly, I pity Jiang Cheng

He's being manipulated and does not have the emotional strength to hold his ground. I'm not blaming him for that! His parents sowed that seed long ago and now Jin Guangshan is reaping the rewards :/

But what is Jin Guangyao's goal in all of this??? I don't get it. Didn't he achieve his goal by being legitimized as Jin Guangshan's son? (Don't tell me ;))

At least Nie Mingjue agrees with me about MianMian

Very random, but I'm pretty sure you can spot that lwj's actor's ears are pierced when he's being in front of Lan Quiren. A rebel indeed 😆

Oh Lan Wangji 💚

Is Lan Quiren sick?

What was his father's mistake? (Again, Don't answer that. These questions are rhetorical ;))

Every time Jin Zixuan tries to communicate to Jiang Yanli that he cares about her I get a strong urge to hid him over the heat in the hope that it might give him an ounce of sense 🤦‍♀️

I'm sorry, I'm just not here for this. Shijie deserves way better :/

Wwx dreamed of her :'(

I love wwx's and wen Quing's banter :')

Are they... farming?

This is weirdly peaceful :)

Omg A-Yuan!!!! I've seen gifs of him! I'm so glad to meet him 😍😍😍😍

I'm melting 😍

There's some metaphor in there being so much live and love in such a barren and hopeless place because one man decided to be kind instead if cruel and I love it so much

Wen Quing, my queen!

Also, the terrifying Yiling Patriarch everyone:

I'm soft guys. Can we please stay in this moment forever?

I wonder, is it some inherent property of Zidian that it could break the talisman or did wwx design it so Jiang Cheng could pass?

This conversation gives me so many feelings 🥺🥺🥺

It's 3 am now and I should really sleep. I guess this episode has better ending to fall asleep to then the one before 🤷‍♀️

I think I have a new favourite episode btw. This one had it all. A breakup to end all breakups, mianmian ascending to my new personal queen, a-yuan finally being introduced and wwx and Jiang cheng actually having a civilised conversation :D

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird (I've seen your replies to the previous ep, but I'm so tired rn, I'll reply tomorrow 🥰💚)

[velveteencurtains]

evermore first impressions!

willow - GIRL EUEJDNSKJDJEJD LOST IN YOUR CURRENT LIKE A PRICELESS WIINE!!!!! TAKE MY HAND!!! WRECK MY PLANS!!! THATS MY MAN!!!!!! girl this is so fcuking GOOD! gonna be 100% honest the 1 is a better album opening but this is so fucking good you guys. life was a willow and it bent right to your wind!!! ID COME BACK STRONGER THAN A 90’S TREND???? EVERY BAIT AND SWITCH WAS A WORK OF ART??? SHES SICK SHES REALLY SICK I SWEAR. the way she sings “that’s my man!” yes ma’am yes ma’am!!!!!! the parallel between “I knew you stepping on the last train” and then “you know my train could take you home” SHES SICK YOUR HONOR SHES SICK

champagne problems - okay we love a piano opener. i’m so conflicted on what i think this song is gonna be about. MORE TRAIN LYRICS GIRLIE. this really is this is me trying’s older, sadder sister. “our group of friends/don’t think we’ll say that word again” MA’AM??? SHE WOULD HAVE MADE SUCH A LOVELY BRIDE SUCH A SHAME SHES FUCKED IN THE HEAD??????? IM LOSIJG MY FUCKIJG MIND. taylor and joe wrote this together? we love a couple with shared mental illnesses

gold rush - jack antonoff do not let me down. GIRL THE HARMONIES AT THE VERY BEGINNING JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE. okay I can definitely see what they meant by this song being about being lost in a daydream, the juxtaposition between the chorus and the verses is AMAZING. this is just gorgeous’s older sister huh???? “ocean blue eyes/looking in mine/i feel like i might sink and drown and die” and “eyes like sinking/ships on waters/so inviting/i almost jump in”

‘tis the damn season - i can’t tell if i want this song to be christmassy or not. OH SO THIS IS JUST HOLIDATE. TAYLOR JUST WATCHED HOLIDATE AND WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT. this is a continuation of tim mcgraw, argue with the wall. NO BC TIM MCGRAW IS ABOUT LIKE A LOVE FROM HIGH SCHOOL AND THIS IS LIKE COMING HOME FROM COLLEGE AND REUNITING WITH THEM BC YOURE BOTH DEPRESSED AND LONELY

tolerate it - jesus christ i’m not emotionally ready for this. STOP THIS IS THE PRELUDE TO BETTER MAN. LIKE BETTER MAN IS AFTER SHES ALREADY LEFT BUT THIS IS BEFORE WHEN SHES STUCK AND KNOW SHE DESERVES BETTER BUT SHE JUST TAKES IT IM GONNA CRYYYYYYYYYYY. okay but i’m imagining the babe music video and that whole of like the doting housewife who gave up everything for her husband and does everything to make him happy but he just does not appreciate it at all and he doesn’t see how much his indifference hurts her. @taylorswift mv now. honestly? loved that but as a track 5 it’s pretty weak

no body, no crime - I PREDICTED THIS WAS GONNA BE MY TOP SONG ON THE ALBUM LETS SEE IF I’M RIGHT. GIRL THE SIRENS AND “HE DID IT” AS THE FIRST LINES?? THEN THE COUNTRY INSTRUMENTAL??? TAYLOR HAS FINALLY GIVEN ME A GOOD OLD FASHIONED “MURDERED MY CHEATING HUSBAND” COUNTRY SONG HELL YESSSSSSS. OH THE WIFE IS MISSING???? NOT GONE GIRLLLLLLLLL MISS TAYLOR CHANNELING AMY DUNNE HERE!!!!! OH SHUT UPPPPPP SHES A LESBIAN WITH ESTE’S SISTER AND THEY COVERED UP HIS MURDER AND NOW THEYRE GONNA LESBIAN TOGETHER MISS TAYLOR

happiness - okay miss happiness you’ve got a lot to live up to but let’s do this. NOT THE MIRRORBALL PARALLEL “i was dancing when the music stopped” and “when no one is around, my dear/you’ll find me on my tallest top toes/spinning in my highest heels, love” NOT THE IDEA OF CHANGING YOURSELF JUST TO KEEP SOMEONE BY YOUR SIDE IM GONNA SOB taylor please stop this i cant emotionally handle any of this. girl this is the prelude to tolerate it which is the prelude to better man

dorothea - okay so seven’s older sister? so dorothea and whoever this singer is were besties when they were teens and then dorothea moved away and now the singer misses her former best friend and also first love and also they’re lesbians yeah it’s gay it’s so gay. taylor i’m literally begging you from the bottom of my fucking soul please give us a music video with two girls please miss swift i ask of you this one (1) thing

coney island - see i thought this was gonna be seven’s older sister when the tracklist was announced so now idk what to expect! JESUS OKAY I KNOW IT SAYS “feat. The National” IN THE TITLE BUT I FORGOT AND I GOT SCARED BY HIS VOICE. NOT A FUCKIJG CAR ACCIDENT TAYLOR IM REALLY SORRY I RRALIZE YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON AND I NEED TO STOP CONNECTING YOU TO HARRY BUT REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. okay anyway here’s my theory hear me out: This is dorothea’s husband who’s confused why his high school sweetheart wife doesn’t love him anymore and why she’s now hanging out with her old high school best friend again damn that’s weird they’re like really super close that’s super odd. anyway that’s just a theory I actually don’t really know what this songs about! miss swift is too smart for me

ivy - stop this song is so sweet!!!!!! i feel like this is getaway car’s sister! i need to stop doing that i know it gets annoying but really honestly it is! NO NO NO THIS IS DOROTHEA’S PERSPECTIVE WHEN SHE HAS AN AFFAIR WITH HER HS BESTIE AND HER HUSBAND STARTS TO FIND OUT GUYS IVE FIGURED IT OUTTTTTTT. WAIT WAIT WAIT THE HS BESTIE IS FROM NO BODY NO CRIME AND DOROTHEA IS ESTE’S SISTER GUYS IVE FIGURED IT THE FUCK OUT YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I GOT IT

cowboy like me - let’s yee and let’s haw ladies and gents. WHOS SINGING????? WHOS SINGING WITH HER???? taylor shut up for a second lemme hear who tf this is. AM I CRAZY OR IS THIS JOE???? i’m probably dumb. but am i? why can i not at all remember what joe’s voice sounds like rn. is that joe??? im so confused. maybe i’m super dumb and it’s really obvious and i’m just fucking stupid. it’s probably not joe it’s probably some country legend that everyone else knows bc they grew up yeeing and hawing and i’m but a wee city slicker but i’m gonna hold onto this stupid theory that it’s joe singing with her until someone proves me wrong later. also this song is fucking gorgeous where’s my cowboy hat not wearing one while listening to this song makes me feel sacrelige. okay wait tay and aaron wrote this one is it aaron? i’m sorry taylor i don’t listen to the national you can hate me if you want

long story short - god the production on this slaps!!!!! and the idea of being hurt before and then finding your love and being all about them and not even caring abt what happened before!!!!! god i’m gonna cry i’m gonna cry. NO MORE KEEPING SCORE NOW I JUST KEEP YOU WARM?????? taylor really said “oh you’re not in love and i’m gonna make you feel like SHIT ABOUT IT” taylor pls a petition to let us say “BITCH” after the last line so it’s “i survived...bitch!” okay pls and thank you

marjorie - oh is this about taylor’s grandma :(((( i knew she used her name but this feels like it’s really all about her. babey. this is so sweet. taylor i love you

closure - okay the opening??? slaps! literally! okay the production of this is interesting! okay i’m like trying to figure out who this is about....who cares this is so good. oh my god the distortion??? it just underlines the anger of it all so perfectly and i love

evermore - exile hive let’s GOOOO. please be an exile pt 2 pls be an exile pt 2. so odd to me because, as a whole, this actually feels like a way more happy and optimistic album than folklore did, yet the title comes from the line “i had a feeling so peculiar/that this pain would be for/evermore”. OKAY BON IVERRRRRR. the violence of the dog days? that’s my next instagram caption thanks taylor. NOT A DUET SECTION AGAIN LIKE IN EXILE TAYLOR PLEASE I CANT HANDLE THISSSSSSS. “we always walked a very thin line” AND “is there a line that we could just go cross?” THE PARALELLELLLLRJSNDBBD. I’m gonna die for this I really think. okay so she ends it on this pain wouldn’t last evermore so that’s good

overall? this is a masterpiece. miss swift has done it again. folklore aoty 2021 and evermore aoty 2022. no body, no crime is really THAT BITCH. i need a mv miss swift! okay bye gonna go cry over this

update: after listening all night i feel like i need to point out that i’m stupid and thought este was the mistress and the singer was the wife when in fact ESTE is the wife in no body, no crime. SO addendum to my theory: este and dorothea were besties in hs then dorothea left and got married and so did este but este’s hubby cheated so then este’s friend murders him and she’s cool w it, then dorothea and her husband move back home and este and dorothea reconnect and realize their long hidden feelings for one another, dorothea leaves her husband and she and este run away together

ANOTHER UPDATE: ‘TIS THE DAMN SEASON IS FROM DOROTHEA’S POINT OF VIEW!!!!!!!! WHEN SHE COMES HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS AND SHES SINGING TO ESTE!!!!!! CJNECNSJSNNDN

[fairycosmos]

do you ever get this nauseous feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach thinking about the future and how alone you are and probably always will be? it’s so bad lately and i can’t make the feeling go away. i tried tinder lol but even there all the conversations feel so empty. i just can’t connect with anyone. i don’t know how other people seem to make friends and lovers so easily. it never happens for me. life could be beautiful if only i had someone to be myself with. it hurts so bad

yes, always, all the time.....i haven't really found a solution unfortunately. 😔 though it is my understanding that our perception of the future is often wildly inaccurate, as it is rooted in what we fear (i.e constant loneliness). since we're afraid of it we're more inclined to believe that it's waiting for us. especially if its been prominent in our lives so far.....really we have no way of knowing. maybe the self hating part of you will insist that you understand what's coming, that not finding connection is likely or even inevitable. but you're biased against yourself so it's not a trustworthy judgement. you know? ive also noticed that my solid sense of self has really disappeared since ive been alone, and so all issues pertaining to me and who i am, kind of slip away.... it's hard when you don't have anyone to remind you you're real. it jolts violently between painful and numbing. it's ok to be sad about it, to cry when you need to, to let it be what it is. you don't have to make the feeling go away, you just have to try not to hold onto it. try not to let it dictate your actions and what you bring into actual reality. you're more than this moment and your current self perception. isolation really does a number on the mind and the emotional landscape, so cut yourself some slack in that regard. honestly...... i think periods of solitude are way more common than people want to admit. i know it seems like everyone's got their group and that you're some sort of outlier, but circumstance dictates so much. we lose touch with others, or we grow beyond the relationship, or we just never get the chance to meet the right people at the right time....it's not a personal failing on your part. it's not because you're undeserving of love and friendship. you have to remember that part and live like you believe it. it's just that substantial bonds are difficult to find as an adult or as you're growing up. your brain will always try to twist this and bully you with it like a petulant child, like a 'haha loser' sort of thing (at least mine does) but that's a very narrow understanding of a much broader issue. i guess it's true that not everyone you meet is supposed to be a life changing figure in your existence as a human. i guess it's true that shallow relationships are unavoidable. but you're allowed to be frustrated and you're allowed to want more for yourself, especially if that eventually spurs you into actively seeking what you crave.....even just keeping the channel open and working on your own self confidence enables you to connect with others in an easier way. anyway here are some small coping mechanisms that have somewhat helped me even if they feel dumb:

1. trying to treating myself like a friend and prioritizing self care. it's too exhausting if you don't.

2. being around animals.

3. writing about how you're feeling, making it tangible. and reading. people in the past felt like this, too.

4. time spent alone is still time spent with the world, you still belong.

5. taking the time to see your situation from multiple points of view.

6. talking to a professional or a family member. even if you don't necessarily want to. maybe they won't get it fully, but just saying it out loud is something.

it's a good sign that you want to put yourself out there to any extent and you should try to keep at it. getting discouraged is natural but it doesn't last. ideas like volunteering, looking into support groups in your area, joining internet communities, even just getting to a public place like a library and being amongst the crowd.....it all adds up and keeps you in the present. finding people w common ground like a hobby is important, too. maybe it seems like a stupid or vague idea but there's always communal activities or events to check out. nerves are just a part of it. seriously, where you're at right now is definitely just a stepping stone in your life, nowhere near the final picture. as you get a job and expand your horizons/find your niche, you're going to engage with loads of experiences n people you can't even conceive of rn. and i totally get why you find it hard to believe. but it's not impossible to think that change is in store at some point, especially when you consider how much it's already occurred in your lifetime, right? i believe in you and im rooting for you to find a sustainable support network, even if it's a process or it takes time. you're not as alone in this as it seems. and it's not your fault no matter what narrative your sadness is telling you. take it one day at a time. and try to focus on what you can actually tend to in this moment. that's what ive been doing. anyway im sending a lot of love to you and please feel free to hmu if you need someone 💌

[bubypjm]

why bighit is trash

or, alternatively, a list of things that bighit, an entertainment company/music label, should start doing and stop acting like a small company.

im puting everything under a read more bcos its a lot, for one, and im also sure that not everyone wants to read it or cares lmao

a little disclaimer;  i speculate and connect things based off of the things we are shown/told, i will spoil some parts of their recent movie AND its not bighit-positive, obviously

okay to start this off, bighit released an official statement to say that bts will be going “on an official and extended period of rest and relaxation” and that’s honestly one of the best things that bighit has done for bts.

the statement is linked, but since i will be referring to a fair few points on it i will also attach it here

the issues start with the opening sentence.

“for the first time since their debut” bts will be going on an official and extended period of rest. to rephrase, for the first time in 6 years, the 7 men of bts will not be surrounded by cameras, will not be expected to attend any rehearsals or interviews and will not be expected to produce or write lyrics. they will not have any responsibilities tied to their work. or, that is what we all had assumed, but as we now know the members were expected to film content on what they do during their break and, if jungkooks video is anything to go by, they were also expected to edit and send it in to the company for “review”.

judging by the release/filming of Hoseok & Becky G’s CNS, it seems like their “break” does not include solo activities. or does bighit consider the building of ones own reputation as an individual artist an “extra” and not a part of ones work?

“enjoy the ordinary lives of people in their 20s, albeit briefly”

this just hurts. it was bighits responsibility to make sure that they got more chances to enjoy their lives.

the good

bighit reminding uglies to stay the fuck away from them during their short break.

okay, the statement aside, i want to talk about a few other bighit-bts related things.

bighit staff and sasaengs

- stalkers appearing in hoseoks bday vlive (no its not staff, the girls’ accounts were found on instagram. they were quite pleased with themselves) were was the security ? how did the girls know which room the boys were in ? doesn’t bighit rent out the entire hotel floor ? does that mean they were allowed in ? why ? did they pay ? do their parents have connections bighit could use ?

- giving away members clothes, providing concert entrance, giving away members numbers ect

the thing that occurred during hoseoks vlive was not looked into, as far as i am aware, however Jimin’s Gucci concert shirt being 'lent’ to a stalker was.

However, minimum to little effort was put into the case because no staff was fired, no disciplinary measures were taken and no consequences occurred.

- during either DNA or Fake Love comeback stages on music shows, some armys were not permitted entrance and some privileged people were taken backstage to meet the members (which is NOT allowed, at any point. those are PRIVATE areas for the idols to rest and prep for the stage) source 1 & more if you look around.

- not firing a manager that hit jungkook source (some speculate he was fired, others speculate he was removed from being a manager and took another position within bighit.)

- bighit restricting any and all interactions with the members among staff. according to one of the backup dancers during Not Today and/or Singularity, bighit staff was very strict about NOT speaking with the members.

take the last point as you will. I have my own thoughts about it

- no subs on army kit content, no subs for bangtan bombs (other channels have them. bighit claims themselves to be a global company but doesn’t move as such). its all well and good to say “you’re stanning a korean company, learn korean!” and this may work for bangtan bombs, but what about army kit content? why isn’t that subtitled? or should that be dismissed with “you don’t have to buy it”?

the good

- giving bts a private jet and not making them go through public entrances and exits. thank u bighit

the movie

this will contain spoilers.

- big hit staff filmed the members during their vulnerable moments.

jungkook nearly passing out, filmed and slotted into the movie. the members crying and clearly feeling emotionally vulnerable ? recorded and snipped into the movie. this would’ve been fine if the members were fine with it, but jungkook was clearly trying to hide his face from the camera and jimin expressed not wanting to show himself in bad conditions.

- treatment of bighit staff

we all know that jungkook had to sit out during some stages during the love-yourself tour. what we didn’t know was that he got stitches without any medication that would ease his pain because he had to go on stage.

jungkook hurt himself so badly that he needed stitches, but was not allowed anything to subdue the pain while getting the stitches because it would not make him stage-ready. the staff members watched as he screamed while getting stitches.

now, i don’t really care whether it was jungkook’s decision or not. nobody in their right mind would let someone they care about go through with something like that. there will be other stages, there will be other concerts. however, idk why i find this surprising since jungkook was hit by a staff member before and the only reason why he got fired was bcos it was spotted in the bg of a bangtan bomb and armys demanded for the man to be fired.

- secondly, jimin’s neck and dropping out of the graham norton show.

i cannot find the translation rn, but while deciding what to tell the fans with regards to what happened to jimin and why he isn’t able to perform with the rest, namjoon tries to opt for telling the truth in a gentle way while one of the staff members suggests a white lie as to not worry the fans.

this has also happened before with the korean vs english statement regarding jungkook’s heal injury. the korean explanation stated that it was serious, while the english one explained it more casually. i cannot find the sources currently, but if you look around yourself you can find them. 

bighit.

- keeping supreme boi employed

- forcing jimin and jin to sing in female key in fake love, despite both of them expressing their struggle with reaching such high notes.

- not providing a vocal coach while on tour (jimin had to ask jungkook for advice)

- vocal line still have not got their own studios despite expressing their want for it, yet txt members have their own studios already. source

- members having less and less influence over the groups music. even recently yoongi mentioned that the songs he makes don’t match with bts’ music/style anymore source

- bighit being immensely difficult to work with overseas (strict venue rules regarding staff, changing things last minute, not being time-efficient)

- leaving taehyung’s stage name out of promotional works/promo tweets

- not taking action against death threats made against taehyung

- forcing jimin to speak about his death threats during a live, global interview in korea

- not cleaning up the copyright matter over using michael jackson’s song “black or white” in the festa performance of jimin and jungkook - resulted in their performance being taken down 

- no bangtan bomb behind jimin creating his song “promise”, while recently there have been videos released of jins, jungkooks and taehyung’s solos

- bighit shooting down collaborations and picking and chosing the artists that collab with bts, despite the members wanting and expressing interesting in collaborations with said artist (why did we get a chainsmokers collab before a tinashe one? a khalid one?)

- bighits deal with dispatch. dispatch is known for exposing scandals and relationships among idols, so the fact that they get an exclusive peak into the bangtan life is interesting and rather worrisome.

-however, one of the dirtiest moves that bighit pulled was during the break between DNA and Fake Love. as we know now, that time was very hard for the members. it was in that gap that the members spoke of disbanding, there were rumours/concerns about jungkook’s well being and fans also pointed out taehyung’s odd state.

during this time, instead of allowing the members time and space to decide everything, bighit had applied for the legal copyright regarding everything bts. the group name was copyrighted, as were the members stage names, fandom name among other things (there are articles on naver, if you’re interested).

SPECULATION

i just want to stress that these are my thoughts and you are welcome to disagree and have your own opinions.

Although we know that the members have re-signed the contract with bighit for another 7 years, I do believe that their pens were pushed by bighit’s copyrighting run. the members had 2 choices; either bind yourself to another contract and stay with that which you have built for years, or drop everything and start anew. however, something tells me that bts didn’t sign the contract with no leverage.

namjoon had said previously that although the group started with 7 boys with the same goal, it now consists of 7 men on one boat, each with their eyes set on different horizons. i believe that with namjoon’s collaborations with more and more overseas artists (honne, fall out boy, lil nas x ect), he may have gotten himself more opportunities for solo work.

similar could be said about yoongi. the man is a musical genius and with his production of suran’s wine and heize’s we dont talk together, yoongi may also end up branching in that direction.

taehyung has expressed his interest in fashion and photography a lot over the past years. seokjin has not acted at all in his life, despite starting off to do just that. hoseok began to branch out with CNS but jimin and jungkook have seemingly little to no outside projects, either (though you could count wiom for jungkook)

the boys’ previous contract was, clearly, restricting and very demanding. i think that their new contract allows them a lot more freedom and room to establish a reputation as individuals. that isn’t to say, however, that bighit let the boys end bts as a whole and permitted them to go off and start solo careers.

from what is happening now and what has happened in the past, I do not believe that bighit would let bts disband, you can decide if that is for better or for worse. however, the only way to keep bts together and satisfied, is to give room for the members to do that what they want. i think that we may start to see some more solo projects from the members, and a lot more control and influence from the outside over bts’ music, concepts and management. ever since LY: Tear had been released, i find myself thinking that their next release will be the last one before a mass hiatus due to enlisting. this time, however, i feel like it may be their final release and concert tour before the group steps back for a while.  bighit debuted a new group and is pumping a lot of money into it. they had also recently obtained an entire new company that not only has a lot of trainees of its own, but also manages Gfriend - an already debuted and established group. bighit is no longer the little underground company that relied on 7 boys to bring it out of its debts. however, it will not let its biggest source of income fall away because, at the end of the day, bighit is a company. the most likely scenario, to me, is that once seokjin and/or others enlist, bts as ot7 will go on a break, but bighit will still get to cash in through the boys’ solo work. so, we may see sneak peaks of their solo careers here and there, but bts will remain active as 7 until it can’t no more.