#losing my sister is the worst one though bc she's like my best friend

[letbuckfuck]

god i feel so alone

[ttcalzz]

Doing this all at once!!

Warning ‼️ novel below

1. Stats

Cw: 143.5lbs 🥲

hw/sw: 165lbs 😧

ugw: 127lbs

2. Height: 5’ 8”. And I would say I do like my height!

3.

I loveeee how small her waist is and how all around slim and toned she is!! She’s also my height so it makes pics of her even more motivating!

4. I really don’t wanna lose my ass 😭😭 I barely have one to begin with! Also I’m scared I’ll slow my metabolism down so I can’t maintain my ugw

5. I am losing weight for me. I want to lose weight because I’m tired of feeling a double chin when I look down, or having to wear “control top” (barf) leggings under skirts so they look right. I want to be totally confident and comfortable in the body I carve out for myself.

6. I do binge sometimes, mostly out of a sense of loss of control. When I’m really in a tailspin, and I can’t focus, food fills the void. I always feel worse.

7. My parents do not know! They know I’ve had an 3d “in the past” so I am keeping this very much under wraps

8. I don’t really have a routine per say, I just do whatever I feel like doing, but I usually do something like

- Clamshells (60 seconds each side)

- 80 squats

- 30 lunges (each side)

- bridges until failure for 2 sets and then pulse and hold until failure for one set

- 3 supersets of 10 reg crunches, 10 crunches w legs in an L shape, 10 crunches with legs straight up, and 15 leg raises.

- 10 pushups (as many standard as possible, then assisted/on knees)

- 60 second plank

- Stretching

9. Kinda. The earliest I can remember is being veryyy little in the pool with my little sister and her asking why my belly was bigger than hers. I didn’t even know what fat meant at that point but it hurt like hell. When I was a little older, I remember my grandma giving me advice on losing belly fat ☹️ like girl pls. My family has commented negatively on my weight loss before though, my dad is convinced I’m “super skinny” and “need to put some weight on”. I’m literally completely healthy?? Girl bffr.

10. The hardest thing? Probably how weak I feel. I know that’s just the way losing weight goes, and it does validate me, but I’ve always been rly strong so losing some of that muscle mass as I lose weight has been hard bc I can’t do as much as I was able to before. Planning to pack muscle on as much as possible anyways bc it makes you look skinnier

11. My fav th!nsp0 blog is probably @c0ke-zer0 , the stuff they post is so motivating 🥰

12. Lately, I’ve been drinking a lot of Fairlife protein shakes (chocolate flav my beloved) and eating saltines w hot sauce (I know it’s weird but it works). I also really enjoy salads, fruit, dumplings, rice, and 0 cal energy drinks. I will eat pretty much anything, I don’t really have fear foods, I just eat a very small portion and try to eat the most of whatever is lowest calorie/highest protein

13. I’m definitely not losing weight in a super healthy way, but it isn’t the worst? I’m hoping to actually maintain my UGW afterwards so I don’t wanna totally fuck my body up rn.

14. My ugw is around 125-130, I know weight fluctuates and my actual ugw is like 128 but it’s never gonna be exactly that every day. I’m hoping to reach it before the end of November! I only have like 13.5 lbs to go!!

15. Nope! I am not vegan or vegetarian, and I don’t think I could do either. Chicken and tuna are such good low cal/high protein foods, I could never give them up.

16. The first time I ever remembered really wanting to lose weight was when I was around 15? My best friend had an 3d and I remember googling it to see what it was and finding tumblr and…. It was all downhill from there 😭 can’t believe I’ve been dealing w this shit for so long bro I need to lose the weight and get tf out.

17. I am not diagnosed with any eating disorders butttt I definitely have disordered eating? If I were to get diagnosed it would probably be something along the lines of 4n@ or 0rthø

18. Anything salty and crunchy 🥹🥹 I will go through a whole bag of takis so fast it’s not even funny. Been avoiding chips as much as possible for this. Also candy if it’s just around? I used to have a really bad habit of just eating mindlessly. I don’t even have a sweet tooth idk why I wouldn’t just control myself. That’s not really any issue anymore tho

19. I work at a fast food-ish place, but I didn’t really eat my last shift so I guess it would have been about 2 weeks ago? Usually when I get something from there I steer clear of the “fast food” offerings and take a banana or a yogurt.

20. My favorite diet is high protein, under 1000 cals. After that idc, I try to eat more healthy than junk foods, but like I said I’ll pretty much take one bite of anything.

21. Clothing sizes

Pants: 4 💔

Shirt: small

Dress: small/medium

I always buy sweatshirts and stuff in xxxl sizes though.

22. My lowest weight was 138 lbs. it was right before a family vacation, so I couldn’t get away with not eating. I ended up gaining back some of the weight and then “recovering” aka gaining all the weight back only to be unhappy and come back to this.

23. Definitely!! I totally remember seeing magazines talking about how fat celebs were and at 10 years old thinking “but I look like that” and generally growing up, skinnier was prettier and better always.

24. i think it’s disgusting. Pr04n4 content is what made me develop this 3d in the first place. It’s one thing to post abt your struggles and seek community, it’s a whole other thing to glorify it and try to make OTHERS sicker???

25. Yes, I have purged before. I don’t do it often. But the first time i was 16 and my family had gotten Taco Bell, I ate like 2.5 burritos and felt sick with myself so I threw up in my trashcan bag and threw it away outside. Horrible memory.

26. I’m so excited to be confident in my skin!! And look great in all the outfit ideas I have planned 🥹 I also can’t wait to have a partner but I don’t see that happening until I lose this weight. When that does happen, I love being picked up and carried or tossed around, so being light enough that it isn’t a burden for my partner. I also can’t wait to have someone pick me up and go “omg you’re so light” or hug me and say “you feel so skinny, did you lose weight??

27. Honestly it doesn’t bother me too much, I work around food all the time so I just sorta go into a work mindset: look, touch, don’t eat. Food is for preparing, food is for serving to others, food is not for eating.

28. Not necessarily! I think it looks nice on a body type with wide enough hips, but on me I think i would have to be skinnier than I want to be in order to have one. Besides that (VERY CONTROVERSIAL) I don’t mind bigger thighs BECAUSEEE they support ass 🫡

29. For me, beauty is when someone or something is fully expressing itself to all it can be. A performance, a flower bloom, a genuine laugh. It doesn’t really matter what those things look like, as long as they form that direct bridge to the soul and show a glimpse of yourself to the world.

30. 10 facts about myself

- I can’t stand cucumber or celery

- I’m in school for psychology

- my birthday is soon!!

- I do art

- I have one younger sister and she’s my world

- I have 2 pets! A cat and a dog

- I love blue and green

- my eyes are brown

- im in multiple f4nd0ms (c3ns0r3d so this doesnt come across n0rm4l túmbIř

- I had a hardcore middleschool emo/kpop phase (yes at the same time)

[so-long-soldier28]

very random warbler headcanons

✨ sebastian smythe ✨

- played lacrosse in france and was liked by his teammates, but wasn’t necessarily popular in school

- scandals bar habits came directly from nights in paris

- neither of his parents are homophobic, but he’s heard the horror stories and fears losing his relationship with them

- his maman knows about his late night habits, but doesn’t question him about them. she’s always known he was gay, but he never directly told her. she fears if she brings it up, he’ll clam up 

- still, she looks out for him in ways she can. teaches him how to be safe outside at night, shows him ways to defend himself if he ever has to. sneaks extra condoms in his nightstand drawer

- takes him a while, but eventually realizes his mom knows, but isn’t trying to stop or control him. awkward about it at first - doesn’t go out for some time and definitely doesn’t bring anyone home. but when their relationship doesn’t change, he goes back into his old ways. does make an effort to be safer (and even a bit more open about it), though, for his maman’s sake

- something about the smythes: love preparing for social gatherings; hate social gatherings. their house is always the place to be during the holidays bc it’s huge and gorgeous. mrs. smythe loves decorating for christmas, and all three of them love to cook and bake for it. but then throughout the night, they all just want their company to go home so they can sleep

- both parents taught sebastian to cook and bake, and he has a book of their favorite recipes that he pulls out during late nights at dalton

- charcuterie board connoisseur 🧀🍷

✨ nick duval ✨

- from michigan but at dalton on a scholarship (i read a fic where it was a soccer scholarship, and my brain adopted it)

- childhood best friends with jeff

- not good with directions. can’t really tell left and right apart. on road trips, he’s not the driver, nor the navigator, but a secret third thing (in the backseat, wondering where the nearest rest stop is)

✨ jeff sterling ✨

- second child of four siblings + has a twin sister

- also from michigan, but siblings are scattered all around states (has an older brother in florida, too)

- loves his family, but they have their issues. grateful for nick’s support throughout his life, otherwise he’d be pretty lost

- when nick got accepted to dalton, he begged his parents to go, since most of his siblings were separated anyway. they let him go mostly to have one less child to monitor 

✨ hunter clarington ✨

- doesn’t believe he can be liked, so he settles for being feared

- this works for coaching the warblers, but he quickly learns he’s not accepted nor respected by them

- left out on lima bean study dates and movie nights and other warbler group activities. hurts him, but he doesn’t show it

- canonically: acts out with steroids until the boys plant enough evidence that blaine and sam find out to get him expelled

- noncanonically: after one strenuous practice, he loses his cool and shares his insecurities. very slowly, the boys open up and forgive him, like the did to sebastian after the slushie. eventually, he’s brought into the group as a friend, instead of just being on the outside as a leader

✨ thad hardwood ✨

- always first to forgive

- giant goof that makes everyone smile, even on the worst days

- has a theory that kurt killed pavarotti for blaine’s attention. wes thinks he’s crazy for it

✨ trent nixon ✨

- public school bullying brought him to dalton

- lives closer to cincinnati, ohio. wishes he was in westerville, though. doesn’t feel safe in his hometown

- parents aren’t divorced, but they don’t love each other. very close with his mom, not at all with his dad. has to talk to his dad once a year, though, bc he pays for his schooling. this usually happens around christmas-time. unless his dad drinks too much the night before and forgets

- queer. every so often wonders if he’s bi, but has never been in a relationship with anyone so he doesn’t know. curious about girls, but at the same time, can’t imagine dating one. doesn’t feel a need to figure it out ~ he likes who he likes

- has the biggest crush on blaine. relates to him, wants to protect him, and thinks he’s absolutely adorable

- was the one to kick sebastian out of the group after the slushie. all were mad, but he shouted at him for almost an hour, and even pushed him once

- last to forgive sebastian, but did eventually. also apologized for pushing him. he’d never physically touched anyone like that before and he felt bad since it happened, but not bad enough to apologize right away

✨ david thompson ✨

- aroace

- best friends with wes. they went on a date once, but both decided they were better as friends

- the warblers call them their dads (no one knows about the secret date, but their parent-like protectiveness over the group brought on the gag)

✨ dalton academy ✨

- students are allowed to use the kitchen as long as they keep it clean and know basic safety rules

- there are three fire drills a year. one is during classes, one is at night, and the last is unannounced and random

- lots of begging resulted in the warblers all being put on the same floor. all freshman students and transfers are randomly placed, but going into their sophomore year (or next year up), they can request roommates

- the school’s no-bullying policy extends to having emergency buttons in all of the dorm rooms and hallways, in case anyone ever feels unsafe

[stultusharley]

Sorry for trauma dumping, but Tumblr is the only safe place that I have.

So, I used to be friends with these two girls (A and Y). They were my world, I did everything for them. I cared about them more than my family. All I wanted was them to see me the same. But they always left me out. We have known each other since first grade. I was bullied from second till seventh grade. A was in love with my bully and Y dated one of his close friends for a couple years. They never defended me. Not in second nor in seventh grade. They even helped him sometimes. They called me Dome (which is heavily overweight women in a German show) in sixth grade even though I was underweight at that time. I wanted to lose weight and begged my mom to let me join weight watchers. I cried every night, just wanting them to see me like they saw each other. The best days were when one of them was sick, so I had the other one for myself and didn't get left out. I really tried to be liked by everyone. I tried being normal for some time. I was always boyish and weird. (Turns out I have ADHD and am genderfluid) Around seventh and eighth grade I really tried to fit in. Wore Makeup and copied the others behavior. Still got left out. I saw how they often flirted with each other and I admit, this was very wrong from me and I am deeply sorry for that, but I often made them very uncomfortable by trying to do the same and I often took it way too far. I stopped after eighth grade.

Actually, the beginning of eighth grade was really great, we knew an old classmate (R) from primary school would join us, so there would be an even number of friends and maybe I wouldn't be left out anymore. I was very pessimistic though and knew that Y would sit next to her bf and A next to R and I was right. I ended up sitting with S, a guy who was also bullied. It still worked out for the first semester and J was even able to sit next to A for a while. Then the twin sister of an classmate (A2) joined. And she was perfect. Blond, tall, pretty, good style, funny and liked by all the boys. Just perfect. A became best friends with her and he'll started again. They even started a group chat without me and send me pictures of them hanging out without me and it broke me. Worst thing, I developed feelings for Y. She's so pretty and she has the most beautiful eyes and when it's just us, she was so funny and nice and I just loved her, with all my heart. Nothing really changed after that, just being left out and me crying every night, praying (I was christian) to be normal and making my friends more and more uncomfortable.

After eighth grade we all went to different schools, except Y and me. We went to the same that had a boarding school and we ended up sharing the only two bed room, all the others were four beds. (I wanna mark that I'm asexual and would never look at anything inappropriate and that I stopped making them uncomfortable) It was fine till she found new friends. She constantly invited them in our room even though I have social anxiety. I always locked myself in the bathroom and tried studying there. Y was often begging me to unlock the door and when I did, she filmed me while I was sitting on the floor learning. (She asked me if it was ok and I agreed, but was visibly uncomfortable, bc I only agreed to make her happy) Also at the beginning of the school year we were allowed to switch rooms one time after everyone got to know each other and some wanted our two bed room. Y agreed to give it up and to move in with two loud girls, but had to ask me first. I was working out with another classmate at that time and she called me. Again, I wanted to make her happy and agreed at first, but was trying my best to show that I don't actually want to, bc again, social anxiety. She didn't notice the sign, so I had to call her again and begged her to not give up our room bc I couldn't take two more roommates that I barely knew. She got really mad and I went to where they were discussing all this to sort this out. I was crying at that point btw. When I got there she was screaming at me, yelling bc I'm messing everything up by being egoistic and that one classmate (who was a loner and just didn't want to move out of her room) was already crying. I screamed back at her that I was crying too and that I would be really uncomfortable with other roommates. They later were able to sort it out so that everyone was happy, but Y was still mad at me.

Another situation in boarding school was, when a friend of ours had her male cousin (18 yo) over. Mark, we were an all girls class and when our classmates found out, they were all over him, making him visibly uncomfortable, ate the snacks that he bought for our friend and us and not giving the friend a chance to talk to her cousin. I left pretty early. Later, after he left, our classmates left without helping to clean. The friend and Y were mad at them and a huge fight started between them. We studied later together when some classmates stormed in the room we were in and we're still mad at us. Me, trying to protect Y and wanting to help her, went off on them and tried to defend them, but Y got mad at me, yelling that I shouldn't talk to her friends that way and that it was her fault. I went to bed early and slept at home the next day. (I only an hour away, no big deal). After that I became really depressed and started therapy. (No one knew about it)

Another incident was, that I wanted to go to bed early (7p.m.) but Y wanted friends over at our room (remember we have the smallest room) I stood my ground and she went to the others room. She came back once to get something, I was almost asleep but she turned on all the lights and asked me loudly if I was still awake. I asked her to be quiet and maybe use her phone but she got mad and told me that she couldn't do that, but after a while agreed to it. (Btw, I got up in the morning always an hour earlier for breakfast, only turned the lights on in the bathroom and tried to be as quiet as possible, barely making any noise. I also often brought her breakfast) When she came back to sleep, she woke me up again by shining the flashlight in my face and asking me if I was still awake.

I left boarding school around Christmas and drove to school every morning by bus.

We also got a new classmate. Openly depressed, often talked about her ED and SH. I tried to be sorry for her, but it was simply annoying how every conversation with her had to be around her mental health or her stupid horse. (Yes, she had a horse) Y was really worried about her and always supported her, something that she never did for me.

At the end of the school year I met up with A bc my dad had to fix her Moped. Idk how it came to it, but I started venting about Y and A agreed with me and started talking shit about Y. Saying how she was always showing off and trying to steal her crush (her crush was 18 at that time, she 15) and I agreed with her just because it felt good that I wasn't as alone as I thought. Well, I fucked it up. A told Y about our conversation, but mixed it up and said that I was talking shit about Y. Y got really mad and we had a big argument where she just blamed me for always ruining the fun, always being so sensitive and things like that. It was like talking to a wall. I kept telling her how shit I felt and always coming up with new examples, but she just came back with the same argument over and over again. (Btw. I was crying really bad and we were in a room out of class in the middle of the school) After a while I just stood up and said, that apparently we weren't a good fit and that we shouldn't be friends again. She said that it didn't have to end like that and that I should just stop acting like this, but I walked away.

So, here is the thing, this was one day before the class trip and we would be sharing a room for two nights with two other girls. We agreed to just ignore the day before for these few days to keep peace. In the evening, we went to an escape room. We had to make groups out of seven, but we ended up in a friend group of nine around middle of school year. So, me and the friend (with the cousin I mentioned before) got left out. We decided to stick together. Then, Y tried to be a "good person" and joined us. (Probably to look good or for the friend, def not for me) But all teams were already six so we had to separate. Y got with a group that my cousin (L) was in too, the friend got in the original friend group and I got with some girls that I barely knew and probably hated me. Long story short, I got a panic attack. It was zombie themed, so there was often banging on the door, only red lighting, no one was listening to me and my teammates were always screaming and running together to cuddle every time there was banging. One time I was standing in a corner and there was banging again. They ran to me and pressed me against the wall screaming. It was like a switch. I couldn't breathe anymore, I almost started crying and was almost blacking out. It took me five minutes to get the courage to leave the room. The panic attack stayed. I didn't have my phone with me. Then, my friend group finished. I rushed to them and told them that I was having a panic attack and that I needed help. (I was extremely shaking and gave my best not to cry.) Their answer: oh no. And left. Next person that came was Y. Said the same thing to her, almost begging her to help. I still know exactly where we stood, how she phrased it. Cool. Just cool and left to talk to the others. Didn't sleep that night. Panic attack didn't wear down till late in the night. Didn't even know that this could take so long. They always helped the new girl, why not me? Me, the one she knew FOR 9 FUCKING YEARS. 9 years for shit. I was done, just wanted to die.

To this day I always ask myself why not me? Why did she helped everyone, said sorry so often just not me. Why not me...

Feeling for her didn't wear down for over a year. I loved her for over a year even after that. I often wanted to text her to say sorry, hoping she changed. I was writing a poem for her, wanted to give it personally to her the next day, when my mom told me she and R were at the door. I thought they wanted to apologize. NEVER. They would never do that. I posted a couple of vent videos on TikTok. Not mentioning anyone's name. Made characters that had similar personallys like them. They wanted me to delete them. Saying they didn't want me talking shit about them on social media. It wasn't anything wild, just my Oc getting left out, like me. I thought I lost feelings after that, but no, I still loved her and would die for her.

I left school. I'm a confectioner apprentice now. I also found a best friend. Her name is Neah. We met online and she lives four hours away from me, but I didn't know that I could be treated like that. She listens to me. Doesn't always say that I'm cringe or stupid. I feel like she genuinely likes being my friend. I also reconnected with S.

S is still in contact with A, Y and R. They sometimes go partying together. We met up today and he told me that they regret it a bit.

We went no contact over a year ago, AND NOW THEY FEEL A LITTLE REGRET?! Just a LITTLE. Just a little for absolutely traumatizing me, making me believe that no one could ever love me or be my friend. I don't trust anyone, I think everyone hates me, even my new friends. But I'm just to tired. Before I would punch my punching bag till my hands were bleeding.

Now, I'm just sitting here, at 23:34, typing this even though I have to get up at 4:30. I just wish they would tell me they were sorry. Or at least give me a sorry look. I still love them, both of them. Especially Y...

[spiderlingh]

Élite Season 4 Review

as an og fan of élite who’s been binging every single season on the day it came out, i watched the fourth season yesterday. here’s my thoughts. obviously includes spoilers for both the new season and some short stories.

the short stories of carmuel and caye/rebe/guzman were the best for me.

the new characters were… uh… how do i put this nicely

ari is the new lu. but less interesting. hated her at first, felt kinda sorry for her at the end though.

mencía is a cardboard copy of miss marina. 🙄

idk how to feel about their dad?? uhhh

i was really hyped for phillipe’s character (idk how to spell it i’m sorry lmao) but man what a letdown.

ya know what… i really liked cayetana this season! i felt neutral about her before but i rlly liked her this season. wish she’d had more screen time.

THEY BUILT UP GUZNADIA FOR THREE SEASONS ONLY FOR THEM TO BREAK UP WITHIN THREE EPISODES AND HAVE GUZMÁN GO AFTER A DIFFERENT CHICK?? W H A T

i liked ander back in season 1… but his character just becomes less and less likeable over the seasons. fight me.

shoutout to samu’s hair this season. hot.

okay but what the fuck was up with all the fucked up relationships this season?? omander. carmuel. guznadia. samu and guzmán. samu and rebe’s friendship, which come on, could’ve gone back to the way it was back in s2.

speaking of rebe, this girl got hurt way too much this season?? pls stop she deserves happiness thanks

HAHA i forgot patrick… no. nah. i didn’t like him.

i cannot stress this enough: FUCK LOVE TRIANGLES. for me it worked in season 1 with carla/polo/christian because they actually seemed to be into polyamory and it actually benefited the fucking plotline around covering up marina’s murder. but that was it. AND THEY HAVE ONE OR TWO EVERY SEASON. it’s exhausting. jesus.

HEY BY THE WAY… what happened to la inspectora from the first three seasons? ma’am?? where you at?? the kids fucked up again and someone nearly died. then someone actually died.

the mystery this season was so fucking dull. like i forgot what was even going on kinda dull. the interrogation scenes were not nearly as compelling as in the previous seasons, they didn’t give you chills, didn’t make you wonder what the hell happened.

you don’t even need a murder mystery to make it interesting. season 2 was my favorite season, and there was no murder mystery — samuel had gone missing. his disappearance and the interrogation scenes were interesting, no one saw the guzmán teamup coming or his relationship with carla. it was exciting and thrilling and this season did not have that even a little bit.

solid plot twist. i’ll give them that. i did not really see that whole armando storyline coming, although i did figure out he had something to do w it because they kept him around for so long.

at the end after guzmán shot that mf in the back i was like NO DONT LEAVE THE BODY?? and then i saw he and samu and someone else i think (i don’t even remember man) dropped his body into the lake. i liked that, reminded me of the trophy.

the fuck is up with the fasion getting more and more extra this season? compare the party outfits from season 1 to the ones we have now. a little extra is good, but now they’re just plain ugly. anyway s1 and s2 fashion >>>

that one scene in the restaurant where guzmán spoke of marina and the way she was as a person and a daughter… that was so well written. i feel like so many people (the writers included) forgot about marina bc she was the first to die and only appeared in season 1, but still. like this teenage boy lost his sister (and so much more) in such a short span of time. i’m glad they at least acknowledged it.

dude… obviously i know that the show isn’t realistic at all but these kids have been through so much. guzmán has been through the worst shit. losing his little sister to murder and then his best friend as well? seeing him die in his fucking arms? and the other kids? they’re still teenagers man. it is beyond wild to think that they’d be as carefree as they were displayed to be this season.

obviously that joke rebe made in the short story about not being able to take any more interrogations and murders and shit was, well, a joke, and it was delivered well, but if you think about it… come ON. they’ve been through hell and back. the show has never been just light-hearted, it has dealt with several serious issues and deaths and murders and things like that. these kids are broken. why couldn’t they have shown more of that? or at least acknowledged it a little? have someone go to fucking therapy??

i thought overall the whole season was underwhelming. kinda boring.

before the season came out, someone said that they didn’t think the show could thrive without carla, lu, nadia, valerio, polo… and i agree now.

i feel like this season had such a different vibe than the previous seasons. not in a good way.

i miss season 1 and 2 man. those seasons had the best mystery, the best vibe, the best cast. i don’t just miss carla, lu, polo, valerio, nadia… i miss christian and nano as well.

even the soundtracks of the previous seasons were better. i’m sorry to sound this negative in the whole review but man i waited so long for the new season only to be disappointed.

you could consider this a small rant. might add more later.

[lochnessies]

ok here’s a dissection of a post an anon sent me the link to and bc i have the worst time management possible and i completely forgot i had it lol so sorry anon here you go ❤��🧡💛💚💙💜

I am constantly thinking about how Edelgard just doesn’t seem designed to appeal to cishet men.

i hate to be the one to break this news to you op but just because a character doesn’t show skin like charlotte fire emblem doesn’t mean she isn’t designed to pander to men. she’s very much designed to pander to the (majority straight male) player base with her ‘uwu i only trust you professor omg did u see that rat? pls don’t look at my painting of you uwu’.

then there’s the whole edelgard c support in japanese where byleth makes reference to having come to her room for ‘yobi’ which is

there’s also the scene where byleth can make an unsolicited comment about edelgard’s breast size. which is… uhh… gross.

edelgard also has cipher cards that go from slightly fanserviceie to full on suggestive

and also her breast armor that my sister relentlessly mocked lol

and here’s a chart from the 3h subreddit about gender/sexually in regards to edelgard and edeleth. it’s extremely straight male. op might have just overlooked this since they probably don’t go on reddit and stay on tumblr (which unlike reddit is mostly female and has a high lgbt demographic).

Like the joke is that Bleagles is the Gay House, but everything about her feels deliberately non-hetero.

i don’t like where this is going…

She’s dressed in sharp outfits covering her upper body, with proportions that don’t seem exaggerated.

so women who cover up must be lgbt because straight women are naturally more revealing? oh y i k e s

Her poise and the way she effortlessly flourishes her axe exhibits an air of coolness. While titties out =/= character of no substance, Edelgard being dressed more modestly suggests that she wasn’t designed with male-centred fanservice in mind.

“titties don’t equal no substance but here’s my post on how she has more substance because she doesn’t show titties” ok

And she still looks absolutely stunning in her more modest attire (like seriously, I haven’t felt the need to return to cosplay in years but I want to do her academy look so bad). 

yes she does. amazing design 10/10. i have a feeling this is the only part i’m going to agree with

Edelgard is intense. She does not mince her words and she is constantly evaluating you. Though she tries, she has a difficult time understanding her peers initially. Early on, she talks about how she would sacrifice herself and others in the name of some greater good. She is terrible at communicating with her peers. She has to be seen as infallible. Her heart has been hardened for years and she assumes she has to stay that way. She also assumes everyone mourns the same way she does - which is why she (kind of insensitively) insists you move on when Jeralt dies. Because to her, grief has to be channeled towards action, or else you’ll get lost in it. This attitude is demonstrated time and time again as she presses on. It can make her come off as cold and unfeeling - but look closer, and she’s anything but.

don’t really have anything to say at this part. it is pretty on the nose though i would slightly disagree with that last sentence a bit. i wouldn’t say she’s as i feeling as hubert is but all of her talks of the war boil down to how she feels and never her victims.

Her story is ultimately about her realizing that to achieve her goals, she needs to let people in and allow herself to want things like cakes and tea parties and lazy days in peace. 

????? what ????? her goals include imperialism, ethnic and religious targeting. her story is about having a set of beliefs and mowing down anybody who stands in her way. that has nothing to do with tea, friends, and lazy days. also am i supposed to be sad that she has to get up everyday and work? i do that and i didn’t start a war and only throw a pity party for myself

The game leaves the player guessing as to how involved the Flame Emperor was in each Part I event, makes you feel hurt by her betrayal, and leaves you with a choice: do you follow the orders of the woman who tried to make you a god without your consent, or a young girl with questionable morals about to throw the world into upheaval?

this isn’t an ideal situation but i think i’m going to stick with the woman who tried to make me a god since i’m not selfish and i know it’s not only my desires and life at stake here. plus the green hair slaps ngl

Choosing her of your own volition (not for completionist reasons) requires the basic ability to sympathize with a woman’s pain. It also requires the player to read beyond her unwavering will and dubious methods to get a sense of how deep that pain goes and how the theme of humanity relates to her differently in each route.

i’m not going to touch this since @nilsh13 made a post on it that i’ll link here. i agree with everything he said so to repeat it would be redundant.

The player must be able to see a young woman’s desperate resolve to change the world so it stops exploiting people and ruining lives. They must be able to accept the fact that women can make the same morally wrong and ambivalent decisions that complicated male characters get to make all the time and still be the one to root for.

literally the same reason i love rhea lol her goddess experiments are dubious at best but her reasons are the same you mentioned. i would say that i like this quality in edelgard too if her ending, while bloody, actually ended in a good outcome for fodlan.

This is not unique to LGBT+ people, but this population is likely to understand why Edelgard feels so strongly about why she has to change the system. 

i understand wanting to change a system, i really do. like edelgard, i’m an opinionated bisexual woman (who’s also physically disabled) so yeah i get it. and change can be good but it can also be terrible. even if the church was the boogeyman edelgard treats it as she still replaces it with her own shit regime. so it’s the same circus just with a new conductor.

I don’t think “Edelgard gets undue criticism because she’s a woman” captures the full picture. An important aspect of her treatment by certain parts of the fandom is that she’s a radical woman.

or maybe she does some pretty fucked up shit and it goes unacknowledged in her own route. and yeah she’s radical but in all the worst ways.

Her hatred of the Church and the Crest system resonates way harder with people who have been hurt by institutions that are deeply engrained in our society. 

and what about people who have been hurt by systems where their ‘merit’ didn’t measure up and they were left behind? what about people from nations that experienced imperialism?

Siding with her means siding against the Church - which, while different from real world religious institutions, still invokes language about “sin” and “punishment.

yeah the ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ are used in relation to attempted murders which i think everybody can agree is a bad thing that needs to be condemned.

Choosing Edelgard will likely hit different if homophobic and transphobic Christians used that rhetoric against you.

it has literally nothing to do with ‘sins’ and ‘punishments’ in regards to being gay or trans. that’s you projecting. especially since the church has 2 canon gay characters and two coded ones.

like i can understand why having a church condemn you can be uncomfortable but i’m begging you to please look at the context of what’s happening.

I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that the reason F/F Edeleth is the more popular iteration of that ship because most people who would choose to S-support Edelgard are LGBT+ themselves. This is not a revelation. To anyone in the community, it’s fairly obvious. 

i was talking to nilish and he said

so yeah… while there is definitely sapphic femleth shippers out there, there’s still a whole lot of weird fetishizing going on from straight men about edelgard.

Crimson Flower was my first route. I went into the game knowing absolutely nothing. I played it during the last week of 2020 and hoo boy was it cathartic. 

i can tell. this wasn’t supposed to be a dig but it came out that way and i’m not taking it out.

I felt like I was living out a gay revolution power fantasy, where I could truly change systems of oppression while fighting alongside a group of troubled students I’d shaped the lives of.

so a gay revolution power fantasy (cringe) goes hand in hand with imperialism and installing a dictatorship? also the war had nothing to do with sexuality.

Through your unwavering support, Edelgard learns that she needs to be human, that she must listen to her friends, and that she’s allowed to enjoy the world she’s creating.

edelgard gets to learn how to be human all while hunting those who don’t. and she doesn’t listen fo her friends. she doesn’t even trust them. she’s willing to talk to byleth but keep the people who’s been by her side for five years in the dark about everything. and yeah she gets to enjoy her new words since she’s on top. hate to be a commoner under her rule after she burned down my village in her war.

I love this character so much.

clearly. and i honestly don’t care if somebody likes her. i do as well even if my sometimes scathing words can make it seem otherwise.

It has been six months since I first played and I am still analyzing her,

me too. please help me escape i’m losing my mind

because there’s so much depth. Yet so many people fail to see that depth and dismiss her as evil,

i mean, she does some fucked up shit that goes beyond any of the less than desirable actions of the other main characters and does an extremely poor job in trying to make herself seem innocent. i personally don’t think she’s pure evil but i completely understand where the people who say she is are coming from.

because they never had the will to understand complicated women in the first place. 

that’s big talk from somebody who implies that a gay pope is comparable to homophobic and transphobic irl religions and that leads an oppressive regime all because she uses the vague terms of sin and punishments that you have to gay power fantasy your way out of

[dameferre]

Hello miss dameferre on tumblr dot com I just wanted u to know that I read wooing the water tribe recently and it's literally one of my favorite fics ever now so thank you sm for writing that masterpiece. That said I also consistently think about an au of it in which zuko thinks sokka is dating azula for some reason and has the mother of all breakdowns bc I think it's peak comedy

y’know it’s really inconsiderate of people on this site to consistently have better ideas re: my fics than me

though okay tbf i think that fic would be like. 10 times more angsty than wtwt and i really don’t take my own writing seriously enough to write angst but oh my GOD what a fucking concept.

so. what i’m imagining. the fire nation is hosting one of those post-war ‘sorry we committed genocide’ reparation celebrations, but sort of like the olympics? there are bending tournaments, and physical sport tournaments and archery and swordfighting and shit, but there’s also a tournament for like. strategy shit like pai-sho and other nameless intellectual competitions

and the gaang are all helping organise these events and eventually competing in them, but azula is forbidden from using her bending (still relatively soon post-redemption) so she throws herself into organising the strategy competitions, with sokka. and these two like. lose their Minds trying to out-think and out-strategise each other. and no one else can come close; sokka’s out-of-the-box, fucking ridiculous genius shit the only thing that could challenge azula’s ruthless genius shit.

so azula and sokka are just going back and forth with each other, making puzzles and logic problems and all kinds of ridiculous shit, constantly challenging and one-upping each other and meanwhile. Meanwhile. zuko’s trying to organise the firebending tournaments on his own and technically, sokka’s meant to be helping him with the swordfighting tournaments (it’s not an elle zukka fic without a sparring scene!) and was really looking forward to having all this time to spend with him, but sokka’s always off trying to be smarter than azula. and one day sokka shows him this like. 3-d puzzle maze he made or something and is like ‘oh, azula’s gonna love this’ and zuko’s like- wait just one fucking second

anyway, cue zuko being like. what the fuck sokka. azula, really?!?!? but he’s trying to be a supportive best friend bc that’s what sokka and zuko do, and then of course (probably with toph’s help) zuko realises the reason he’s so upset sokka’s in love with azula is because he’s in love with sokka, because that’s the fic format and im sticking with it! so this is obviously where it gets angsty because zuko’s spent his entire life fighting to measure up to azula, for whom things come naturally, and then of course the guy he’s in love with has chosen her, and im sad just thinking about it

meanwhile tho sokka’s bricking it trying to figure out how to ask out zuko (because im sorry but the ‘i thought we were already dating?’ without any kissing or formal dates only works if it’s zuko thinking it) and asking azula for advice, and azula, obviously, exclusively gives terrible advice because she thinks it’s funny. so we have zuko trying to be happy for sokka and distance himself from him, and sokka trying to woo him in the worst ways possible thanks to azula (i’m not saying sokka surprises zuko with an elegant meal, the main course of which is the popular upper-class delicacy of fried turtleduck, i’m just. thinking it loudly)

hilarity ensues, yada yada, then at the end when they’ve finally confessed their undying love for each other, sokka’s like ‘how the good fuck did you not know your sister’s a lesbian and already in a committed relationship with a woman’ and zuko’s like ‘she’s a what’ because zuko has never once in his life understood or picked up on social cues from a human woman.

roll credits

[swimfuel]

okay humanstuck thoughts under the cut

i owe a lot of this to @/rhythmic-idealist's kankri/vantasposting bc holy shit theyve got such a big brain (ill link to their individual posts when im on desktop since im using this to keep all my thoughts straight and i agree with most of what they say wholeheartedly)

general status quo stuff:

signless works in an extremely demanding career involving helping others (i'm leaning towards an attorney who works with organizations and does pro bono work), and is also extensively involved in social justice work outside of his job... he is very rarely home

he loves and cares for his children deeply and tries to express it whenever they're face to face, but the couch in his cramped and messy office has seen far too much use over the years for him to have been able to say it enough

his habits of working himself to the point of exhaustion are handily passed down to his kids btw

the kids had to grow up quickly because signless was out of the house so often and so consistently—kankri, who was already pretty high-strung, has to learn to take care of himself and karkat

they grow up near ms firuzeh maryam, who's their pseudoaunt/grandma (she took in a nine year old kavana vantas when she was about twenty), but they just call her ms rosa

they spent a lot of time in the maryam house growing up, with miss rosa's two nieces. porrim is a year older than kankri, while kanaya and karkat are the same age

kankri grows kinda sensitive to people trying to mother him since it rubs against the notion that he's the "adult of the house" and that he can take care of himself and karkat just fine

(and it also kinda underlines the fact that kankri has no idea what he's doing at the best of times)

and ironically enough, kankri becomes overbearing and naggy towards karkat in his own right, which forestalls them becoming close in any brotherly sort of way

they grow up really just... unable to communicate with one another clearly

karkat develops his ornery exterior in response to kankri's constant stream of opinions and frantic attempts at making up for the presence of a guardian in the house

i think there would actually be some really interesting parallels with rose in this au.. maybe i'm drawing from my own experiences as well but i think he'd begin to assume that every time his brother opens his mouth, he's going to criticize karkat

but instead of reacting like rose with the "making yourself more of a puzzle"/passive aggressive stuff, he gets a more defensive/hackles raised/"argue with you before you can argue with me" approach

and the thing is that they do love each other and would take a bullet for the other etc etc etc.. but they don't know how to express it because they've fallen into these shitty patterns

and it really doesn't help that kankri has grown somewhat resentful of signless over the years... that mix of resentment and fear and love gets more extreme and more polar every time signless gets injured during a political demonstration

i think kankri and signless would also be slightly closer than karkat and signless, as signless' job really only started to ramp up when karkat was less than years old and kankri was in his early double digits

kankri autistic btw its word of god (i am god)

karkat has a pet crab. its name is also karkat. he vents his frustrations to it.

i feel like the vantases exemplify both the best and worst parts of their aspects with one another as well... the strength of their bonds keeps them together and grounded, but TOO grounded. [insert Blood rant here]

the Blood rant:

i define Blood as bonds, responsibility, and the "core". if Life is the fertile soil and everything living on a planet's surface, then Blood is the gravitational core of the planet keeping everything together

i also think Blood, Heart, & Mind work in tandem to define a person just as blood serves to connect the pieces of the human body... Heart is the soul and the self, Mind is the application of one's self through active choices (agency), while Blood defines both the self and the choices one makes in greater detail [and, as an aside, Life provides the physical spark of life needed to keep the heart pumping blood]

OKAY wow that got tangential anyways

SO BASICALLY! too much Blood makes you stagnate, so for example:

kankri is split between staying home with karkat or going to college across the country and being truly unbound for the first time in years

another crisis of Blood: signless is caught between his empathy and responsibility to the whole world and his responsibility to his own children

okay so here's more status quo stuff:

the maryam and vantas kids grow up together and its hilarious because you'll see them all together and its just like (girlboss) (girlboss) (physical manlet) (emotional manlet)

the maryam girls are actually miss rosa's nieces but she took them in when they were both pretty young

the pyropes know the vantases well enough considering pyrope senior and sign have known one another from their respective legal practices for years, but they live on the other side of town

the leijons lived in town when kankri and meulin were very young, but they moved and travelled for a long time before coming back and reestablishing their roots

the captors (psii being one of sign's oldest and closest friends) move into town with the peixes family pretty early on though

the condesce is.. a horrible spouse and guardian, to put it plainly. she's very emotionally manipulative and isn't averse to smacking people around, including her own family. she moves herself and her perfect little family into town so she can properly oversee a new business venture close by

feferi is one of the best young swimmers in the country and has a pretty good shot of getting onto the olympic team.. a lot of this drive to be perfect and to be better results from the condesce's unrelenting pressure and thinly veiled resentment throughout her whole life

so yeah psii, )(ic, feferi, and sollux all live together and it's really not great for anyone involved. (meenah ran away years ago, and crashed on aranea's couch for a pretty long while—mituna moved out with latula for college before psii and the condesce got married)

it gets bad to the point of sollux staying with the maryams for two months while the adults try to sort out that absolute clusterfuck and get the divorce proceedings going (meenah finally convinces feferi to get out and come stay with her and aranea for the duration as well)

in terms of relationships i think latula and porrim were really really close in high school, and probably had some kind of unacknowledged thing going on for a while that never actually turned into anything because latula and mituna were going steady

kankri has had a crush on latula for years but never acted on it for similar reasons

meenah still carries a lot of that give no fucks attitude (it's developed moreso as a defense mechanism here) and can't understand why feferi refuses to leave the condesce with her

okay back to VANTAS MANPAIN i also think that karkat feels the weight of a lot of expectations on his shoulders as well

he feels responsible to live up to the example his dad and his brother set, even if it's to his own detriment—and kankri's oblivious rambling about his grades and his teachers and all his clubs certainly aren't helping the matter

kankri is one of those overinvolved kids taking a million AP's while simultaneously shitting on the collegeboard at every single step

hes this super overachiever anal retentive perfectionist type dude and (just as karkat preemptively criticizes others to forestall their criticisms of him only to harshly criticize himself) kankri subconsciously holds the people around him to the same expectations he holds for himself

so karkat also develops this sense of lacking which, in combination with everything else, culminates in self loathing and thinking he has to solve everyone else's problems and getting horribly mad at himself for every little mistake

GOD i have a lot more but lemme post this before i accidentally close out of the app and lose it all

more little details:

vriska's mom and terezi's mom HATE each other like HATE HATE HATE one another it's so bad

karkat wrote a ten page review of my immortal in middle school

jade is one of nepeta's best online friends

sollux can't raise one eyebrow at a time.. karkat gives him so much grief about it

the vantases eat a lot of shitty renditions of persian dishes until karkat learns to cook because literally the only person in the world with a CHANCE of getting KANKRI VANTAS to make an EDIBLE DISH is miss rosa

kanaya is really good at persian dance too but is VERY VERY embarassed to perform in front of people.. however porrim definitely is not

karkat has insomnia while kankri just stays up stupidly late for assignments that really shouldnt be taken that seriously.. but they both have the same rumination/sleep anxiety thing where your brain goes insane with horrible and depressing scenarios as you try to sleep

and more ideas that i thought were interesting but idk how to fit in the context of this au:

signless and disciple getting married pretty late in life after having been in love for years, the vantases move in with the leijons and karkat suddenly has two sisters

nepeta and karkat are both juniors at this point, meulin is probably in her third year at a local college nearby while kankri is about to start his second year at a university pretty far away

the kids in general honestly but ill figure it out

more random hcs this time with kids:

kanaya and rose get into a flame war online that gradually settles into elaborate courtship rituals

also nepeta + jade online besties

also bec can inexplicably still teleport

the first sbahj movie comes out and the next six months of dave strider junior's high school career are absolute hell

actually hc that dave senior goes by d strider professionally. the d stands for a lot of things

aradia and dave frequent a lot of the same forums but never end up really interacting

meanwhile karkat and john frequent a lot of the same forums and DEFINITELY end up interacting. this turns into grudging (at least on karkat's part) friendship after they find themselves fighting for their lives defending an objectively shitty movie together on the same thread

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being best friends with Klaus Hargreeves

Klaus Hargreeves x reader

warnings: drugs/alcohol, blood, smoking, guns, death mention

a/n:

prompt: anonymous: “Hi! Could you write a Klaus Hargreeves x best friend reader headcanon, just the random shenanigans they get into together, the fun they have together. No hidden romance or anything, just complete and utter platonic LOVE. If you have ideas for some angsty point in the headcanon feel free to put them in, I just want to be best friends with Klaus so bad and this is my way to fulfill it XD thank you so much!!”

meeting each other pretty much the day he left the umbrella academy

he was cheering in the street, which you found absolutely amusing

“hey, what’s got you so happy?”

“i’m so glad you asked! today’s my eighteenth birthday, which means im free at last!”

“wow, well, happy birthday”

“i have the greatest idea, do you want to spend it with me?”

you didn’t have anything else to do, so why the hell not?

klaus was a wild child, anyone could have told you that

he paraded down the streets with you, arms interlocked as he skipped around town

you two were singing whatever tune came to mind

“where are you staying tonight?”

“wherever i please!”

“would you like to crash on my couch?”

“do you have a tv?”

“i do”

he agreed and made you watch movies with him until you both passed out

after that night, you two became best friends

he was a lot to handle, but you could take it

plus, you didn’t mind having some crazy unplanned fun, either

to be honest, klaus did have some rough patches, though

he’d call you from the police station time and time again, asking for you to come pick him up

klaus magically was able to talk them out of any charges, you thought only his sister could do that

oh! i forgot to mention, he opened up to you about his powers and the way he was raised

you had heard about the umbrella academy before, so you believed him

you were just surprised that he was one of ‘em

“yeah, yeah, dad said i’m supposed to ‘commune with the dead,’ but he has no idea how hard that actually is! the mental toll it has on a person!”

he told you about ben, who was actually present at the time, you just couldn’t see him

you and klaus went on to be friends for years, sharing so many memories together

some of them were drunken, you must admit

you weren’t a fan of klaus’s addiction, though, especially as time went on

“klaus, you need to pull it together. i really think you should go to rehab. just try it out?”

“but i don’t want to part with you for that long! i’ll be lost!”

“don’t worry, i’ll still be here when you get out”

patching him up when he got hurt, which was often

“aw, my shirt has blood on it. that’s too bad, i liked this one”

“you know, klaus, the blood gives you some character”

“you know what? you’re right!!”

he would go on the wildest tangents about his family sometimes, five superpowered siblings (+ vanya), a billionaire for a father, a robot for a mother, and monkey.......totally normal childhood

sometimes he’d see his sister, allison, on the tv and watch whatever it was she was in, he thought she was magnificent

he really did miss her sometimes

“you know, they were all the worst siblings you could ask for, but they are my family. i wonder how they’re doing right now...”

“do you want to visit them sometime, i can come with”

“oh, nonono, you don’t want to do that, we may try to kill each other!”

“i believe that”

him finding vanya’s book and reading it with you in tears

“i know, klaus, i know. she didn’t mean to hurt you, i’m sure. she made the wrong decision”

“she just told the world about very private family matters! what else was she trying to do?!”

klaus and you stuck together for a few more years, but the day he found out his dad died was....it was something

he was laughing, crying, popping open the champagne, crying some more, hugging you tightly, and singing happy songs

“y/n...will—will you come to the funeral with me? please?”

“yeah, i can do that”

the house he grew up in was HUGE

he insisted on giving you a tour while he snatched up trinkets to sell

“put it back...”

“but it’s mine!”

passing by his other siblings and awkwardly waving

“who are you?”

“excuse you, this is my very best friend in the whole wide world!”

okay, it was a lot more uncomfortable that you expected it to be

especially when “number one” dumped the ashes at the funeral and then “number two” started shit talking their dad, and klaus started laughing when they started fighting

passing his cigarette back and forth

okay, and then he suddenly had a 13 year old brother fall from the sky

“klaus, are you sure we were smoking a cigarette?”

“i’m never sure of anything anymore, darling”

“that’s reassuring”

the little brother did not give a flying FUCK who you were

smth about the apocalypse

babysitting klaus as he spiraled out of control bc of his family

uh, losing klaus several times

and then he got kidnapped

and then he time traveled to the 60s and fell in love???

he told you all about dave

“he sounds amazing, klaus. do you think you could conjure him?”

“that’s not a bad idea! i just need to stay sober!”

easier said than done

apocalypse apocalypse apocalypse

now you were all in on that

you never thought that your accompaniment to a funeral would lead to several shootings, murders, and traumas.......wow

you really felt out of place

his sistee ended the world. you know, vanya, the one you thought had no powers

so his brother, five, time traveled the lot of you to the 1960s, but you landed alone in texas

“klaus? klaus?! anybody???”

having to cope with the fact that you were going to have to acclimate to living in the past on your own, it could be worse

you could have died in 2019

you went on for another year or two trying to keep your head low

but you ran into a familiar face soon

“allison?”

“y/n?”

although you didn’t know each other very well before this, you were ecstatic to find someone in the same situation as you

soon everyone began finding each other and also the world was gonna end again

reuniting with klaus

sobbing while you hugged him

“y/n, oh, my god, i can’t believe it’s really you!”

“i missed you so much, this has been such a wild ride”

“welcome to the hargreeves family”

ben, who you couldn’t hear: “he wouldn’t shut up about you!”

this new timeline was decidedly not a vibe

“you know, the 60s fashion i can live with, but everything else? complete trash i would like to go home”

everyone had to protect you because you didn’t have powers and they actually kind of cared about you?

klaus would also absolutely lose it if you got hurt

he would tell you all about his cult every moment he got

also he let you hang out at his mansion

but there was no time to hang out, you guys REALLY had to fix the timeline in any way you could

after becoming fugitives, you went to a barn for an epic *final battle* where you died lived bc five changed the timeline

getting back to 2019 only to find that it was......not the same at all

“i think...i think we may have fucked up”

“yeah, i’m going to have to agree with you there”

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @cullens-stuff // @lotsoffandomrecs // @takethebladeawayfromme // @tessacabrera // @teenwaywardasgardian // @spidergirla5 // @sheridans-dynamos // @freya-xo // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @jay-is-groovy // @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm //

[moeruhoshi]

Hi! I hope you're doing well. Idk if you're taking requests but I had this cute idea where little dragon Natsu ends up really liking his teacher Anna (lucy's aunt) bc he smells Lucy on her but Natsu's not able to really understand that so he just knows he likes this teacher (this is based off of that one scene at the end in the anime). And then Anna brings Lucy to school with her bc no one can watch over her. Then Natsu sees Lucy and it all just clicks 👀🥰🥰

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

“Natsu,” Anna laughed as her little student smothered his face against the legs of her long skirt. “You have to go home, no more clinging to me, okay?”

“But Miss Anna smells really good,” The fledgling whined, using the little bit of strength in his hands to try and stay attached. His father sighed and pulled him by his waist, rolling his eyes when his son began to glare at him.

“Come on, Natsu,” Igneel grumbled and crouched down to his level. “Miss Anna has to go home too, and you’ll see her in the morning,”

“Okay...” He huffed, letting his weirdly strong grip on her go. His eyes glazed up at the smiling woman, his heart not so subtly skipping a beat. “G-Goodnight, Miss Anna!”

“Goodnight, Natsu,” She giggled and waved off the small boy who kept his eyes glued to her form as his father carried him away. He sighed lovingly, resting his head on Igneel’s shoulder. His tail had come out on its own, wagging behind him and slightly smacking his dad in the face.

“N-Natsu!” He sputtered, holding the appendage down. “You do this everyday, can’t you calm down already?”

“Nope!” He grinned as his tired father rolled his eyes, taking off into the air with his miniature prodigy.

Grandine greeted them at the door with a finger to her lips, holding Natsu’s younger sister in her arms.

“I just got Wendy to fall asleep so please be quiet,” She glared, bouncing the baby gently before going back into the house.

“But I wanted to tell mama about school today,” Their son pouted as he pulled off his shoes.

“You can at dinner, alright? But for now, you can sit and watch television.” Igneel ushered the little fire dragon into the living room, making sure the volume was just above two as he left Natsu by his lonesome.

He wandered upstairs to find his wife, Grandine gently putting Wendy to rest in her crib.

He carefully wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek, chuckling lowly as she melted into his hold.

“I love having babies, but I swear, no more,” She shook her head furiously. “Wendy’s sensitivity to sound is...ugh, I just forgot that this is something we’d have to deal with while she’s still so young,”

“Me too,” Igneel sighed, the both of them carefully exiting the room as Wendy cooed in her sleep. “But that might not be the worst of our problems,”

“What do you mean? Natsu’s not fighting at school again, is he?” She groaned, following her husband down the stairs.

“No, hes just very attatched to his teacher. It’s the way she smells, he wouldn’t let her go when I went to pick him up,”

“Oh gosh, that doesn’t sound good,” She pursed her lips and turned to face him. “But there’s nothing else weird about the way he’s acting, is there? I don’t think we need to be worried unless he starts getting possessive or antsy without her around.”

“You’re right, but I swear I’m going to lose it if his instincts wake up early while we’re dealing with Wendy’s hearing,”

“Worst case scenario, we can just send her to stay with my mother for a little while.”

The worst case scenario would prove to be a reality for the Dragneel family as the years went on, but the next day of school was the beginning of the worst of it.

It wasn’t until a dragon reached their adolescence that their instincts woke within them, making it much easier for the parent to walk their child through the understanding of their own body.

And it wasn’t completely unheard of for a dragon to meet his mate early on in life. The only worry that came along with said encounter was a possible, accidental marking. It was hard to tell a child to fight off that kind of urge, especially when it was such an overpowering voice in their mind telling them to do so. And without proper supervision, there was no telling what might happen. It was only when the aftermath occurred, that things went haywire.

Sure, an older dragon could stand being away from their mate for however long they needed to be, were mature enough to understand that it was just a part of life. But for someone so young, they’d whine and cry like you had just taken their favorite bear away. And a baby dragon would have no issue with destroying everything around them in efforts to get what was theirs back at their side.

When Natsu walked through the doors of his preschool, he was quick to run from his father's side and into the open arms of his teacher waiting to greet him.

Igneel watched with a steady smile, but took it as a good sign when all Natsu did was take in a big whiff of her skirt before skipping off to find his friends.

He left for work feeling relatively secure with his assumptions, not knowing the madness he’d soon be faced with that evening.

When everyone had arrived, Anna clapped her hands and had all the students gather on a large and colorful carpet.

“Alright, so today is going to be a little different,” The teacher started, staring into the excited and few wandering eyes. “We have someone joining us today! I want you to make her feel super welcome, because she’s my niece! Everyone, I’d like you to meet Lucy!”

A little blonde girl, not much taller than the rest of them, appeared as if out of nowhere from behind Miss Anna’s skirt.

She waved her small hand and blushed in embarrassment, not used to so many people looking at her all at once.

Natsu, who always sat at the front of the carpet, felt his heart begin to pound. He stared at Lucy with wide eyes and felt a grin split before he knew it.

She was the source of Miss Anna’s hypnotic smell, why hadn’t he met her until now? If Miss Anna knew that she smelled so good, wouldn’t she have brought her here sooner?!

He wanted to stand up and tackle her in a hug, but he knew Miss Anna wouldn’t like it if he interrupted her outside of recess time.

“Lucy lives in Acalypha, but she’ll be here in Magnolia this week while her parents are out of town,” Their teacher said, everyone excitedly waving and saying hi. Though Gray tried not to look too excited about a new friend when he saw Juvia staring relentlessly at him.

“We’ll start this morning with arts and crafts, okay? So go sit at your usual tables,” She said, allowing the bunch of toddlers to stand and find their way to their seat. “Natsu, could I ask you to do a very special thing for me?”

“Uh huh! I can do anything, Miss Anna!” He chirped, practically bouncing as he stood in place.

“Could I ask you to look after Lucy while she’s here?” She asked, crouching down to push her little niece a little closer to the dragon. “She’ll need a good friend to show her the ropes, don’t you think so?”

“Mhm! Just trust me, Luce! I’ll be your bestest friend ever!” Natsu said excitedly, reaching out to grab her by the hand.

“O-Okay,” Lucy squeaked a bit as he pulled her along with him, showing her to his table and the others that sat with him. 

It would have been more obvious as to what was going on if Natsu was more rambunctious, but he was the epitome of calm. Though that really should have set off at least one alarm. Since when was that fire dragon ever this well behaved?

He was kind and didn’t come on too strongly, in the way that he would have towards Gray or Erza. Instead, he was clear and coherent in his usage of words, or as clear as a six year old was able to get.

When Lucy looked like she was confused, he helped her out with instructions or ran off to collect the materials she really wanted to use. Miss Anna would have paid more mind to this if she hadn’t had to focus her attention on one of the more upset students. It was Millianna, as usual, crying over her inability to be at home with her pet cat.

Natsu made sure she got to know his friends too once it was time for recess, the little blonde hitting it off right away with Levy and Cana. Erza was a bit embarrassed to meet someone knew, but warmed up to Lucy’s sweet smile in no time. Juvia...well Juvia was alright the rest of the day since Gray agreed to hold her hand. And Gajeel was always nonchalant, not caring about what was going on...unless Levy was scolding him.

At lunch, if anyone had the ability to notice, would have seen Natsu absolutely swooning from his seat across from Lucy.

He sighed lovingly and pushed his round cheeks up with his hands, leaning forward on them to admire her. She was in the middle of talking about her favorite book to the pixie beside her, Erza and Cana both fumbling to tie her hair in loose braids. They swore they could do it as good as Miss Anna could. 

Once she looked his way, his heart began skipping, his cheeks became flushed, and his adrenaline; well Natsu didn’t really understand that feeling. He really liked the way she looked at him though. 

Lucy laughed and picked a grain of rice that rested on his cheek, popping it between her lips as she stole it from him. 

Uwah...

During nap time, he couldn’t help himself anymore. Lucy absolutely, one hundred percent, needed to sleep by his side. 

Not that she complained. Rather, she was excited that someone else was just as excited to be her friend. 

Natsu smothered his nose against her cheek and fell asleep, holding her like he did his dragon-bear at home. Lucy liked that he was warm and snuggly, like her doggy, Plue. 

That was the first memory of the best sleep he’d ever gotten in his life. And any nap he had at her side in the future would count as well.

When his dad came by at the end of the day...it’s a good thing that everything indoors was magic-proofed. 

Lucy had been in a separate room at the time so she was spared the sight of a mad-raving, fire-spewing and burning, fledgling have to be dragged out of the school.

There was something inside of him that screamed, felt pain beyond what pain had meant. 

No no no no no no no no!

It drove him practically literally insane. It pounded in his brain, in every nerve end and even more so. It was as if he left his heart behind and all that could replace it was rage. 

Needless to say that Wendy and Grandine were out of the house before Igneel got anywhere near them.

Sleeping spells worked, if only for the night. It was spine-chilling to see him so catatonic in the morning. Like all that fire from the night before was all he had, that the flame that rested at the pit of his stomach couldn’t be lit again. 

But when Natsu came back to school and saw Lucy standing there, waving with the cutest grin ever on her face, well...Igneel probably the only one who got upset.

“Anna,” He sighed and wiped a tired hand over his face. “We need to talk, if you have the time right now,”

[kreept12]

So I saw a The Good Place AU on ao3, rewatched the show and I had so many ideas for a different take on it like seriously !

So here's a bunch of the ideas I had bc I'm losing my mind at this

First of all : Warning, there's gonna be spoilers of season 1 and probably 2 of the show, please go watch it it's so good and funny.

So all the class are residents, except Tsumugi and Kiibo. Kiibo is the equivalent of Janet. Welcome to The Good Place, yaddy yaddy, except there are 3 bad apples : Ryoma, Maki and Kokichi.

 Each one of them are given an identity that isn’t theirs and they’re trying to pull it off, for a while at least. When the day after their arrival chaos happen and they find themselves the only one without the “emergency suit”, Ryoma decide to tell Tsumugi and Kiibo, but Maki and Kokichi saw that he was a fraud too and kept him from giving himself away, because right now Tsumugi and Kiibo don’t know what’s causing all the chaos, but if Ryoma gives himself away, is sent to The Bad Place but chaos is still happening, they will know the other two are here. Ryoma ask them what’s their plan then, which Maki says they try to blend in. Try to BE good people. Kokichi doesn’t believe one bit of this but act like he does to convince Ryoma. And so begin their journey to becoming good people.

(more under the cut cause it’s kinda long)

Here a list of the soulmates btw (not ship, most of them are made for plot purpose)

Suichi Saihara | Kaede Akamatsu

Kaito Momota | Maki Harukawa

Tenko Chabashira | Korekiyo Shinguji

Ryoma Hoshi | Kirumi Tojo

Kokichi Ouma | Gonta Gokuhara

Himiko Yumeno | Miu Iruma

Angie Yonaga |  Rantaro Amami

But it turns out that trying to be a good person isn’t necessary instinctual for them, Ryoma is the one doing well but oh boy the other two are messes. Maki keeps menacing other people and her polite smile is so forced even Gonta knows it’s fake. Kokichi just keeps making pranks on the other residents because there’s no harm in a little prank (he just had problem adjusting to this new group and hates that he likes some of them so he pranks them so they get away from him and he doesn’t have to be vulnerable around them.) 

Ryoma ends up sitting them down after a few days and telling them they need help. So they debate about who would be the best fit. They end up with Korekiyo, mostly because he studies human and they guess moral are part of humen so maybe he knows the best way to be a good person, plus the guy is lonely most of the time, doesn’t gossip and creepily study and takes note of the other residents. 

They ask him and he accepts. He takes it as a new way to study human behaviour in a field he didn’t specialize during his life. (btw, here the characters are aged-up, they’re in their 20s so they can have more Life Knowledge:TM:). They chose to meet up at Korekiyo’s house to study because his soulmate, Tenko, hates his gut and never comes to visit; while the other three have way too caring soulmates that comes to visit them on a daily basis (Kaito being the more insistant, Gonta and Kirumi try to respect their personal boundaries but still, the gang doesn’t want to be interrupted by them, so at Korekiyo’s it is.

A little more about Tenko and Korekiyo. When Tsumugi introduced them to each other, Tenko was out of her mind. First, she’s a lesbian, second, she finds Korekiyo super creepy and has a bad feeling about him, worst than all other degenerate male she ever met (nevermind the fact that she says this every time she meets a new guy). Korekiyo is also unpleased by this arrangement, mainly because she’s a bit much for him. Tsumugi says soulmates aren’t always romantic, they can also take form in a strong companionship. Both are still skeptical when she leaves and basically avoid each other. Korekiyo also asked Tsumugi about other neighboorhood and if visiting is possible, since he would like to see his sister. 

(Little point here, I doubt Korekiyo might be a serial killer here, he might have thought about it but never acted on it. He’s still pretty fucked up by the abuse his sister made him go through, but he also doesn’t recognise it as abuse yet, part of his character arc would be to come to term with that)

So ! The teaching is... Sure going. Korekiyo is good at teaching the theory but oh boy if he doesn’t suck at practice. They’re sure learning, but it’s still a trainwreck and Ryoma is the only reasonnable person in this house. They need a person who is a good person naturally, and wouldn’t go tell Tsumugi their situation...

Yeah they take a look at Gonta and it’s settled. The man is way too nice to everyone and “a true gentleman never tells friends secret to others !”. They thought about Angie for a moment, she seems nice with everyone and alwyas organise parties or artistic activities to unite everyone together, but she’s close friend with Tenko and Himiko so they doubt she would let Korekiyo hang out with her friends. 

Gonta is not the best teacher. He tries his best, but even though he is nice and try his best to help everyone, he is also incredibly naive and can be mislead to do bad things pretty easily, which is what Kokichi proves within the first day his soulmate agrees to help them. They basically have a Insect Meet and Greet. Once Gonta understands he hurt his friends, he’s pretty sad and isolate himself. Ryoma would probably come talk to him. Gonta talks about how he didn’t act like a gentleman and he regrets it, which leads to a conversation about why he wants so badly to be a gentleman and their past life. Ryoma mentions how he didn’t have anything to live for back on earth, no family, no friends, no lovers. Gonta says he’ll make sure he does now, which makes Ryoma laugh. They grow closer after that, Gonta trying to spend more time with him. 

Meanwhile, Kokichi is onto something. Since he arrived here, he felt like something was wrong. Tsumugi keeps saying they have no idea what’s causing all the chaos and there’s no way someone got here by accident ? Three frauds in one go ? That’s not right. So he investigates, everyone. Their past, their actions, their words, he wants to know everything and understand what is really this place. He doesn’t trust anyone. So he used the Insect Meet and Greet to find more info while everyone is busy. That’s when he’ll cross path with Shuichi, because he sneaked into his and Kaede’s house. Shuichi become suspicious of him from there on and they develop a kind of rivalry where Shuichi knows Kokichi is up to something but doesn’t know what, and Kokichi likes to mess with him. He also likes to mess with Kiibo to ask them a myriad of questions about everything and nothing.

Kokichi : Hi Kiiboy !

Kiibo : Not a boy, but hi (bc hell yes nb Kiibo and maybe this whole thing was based of my want to write this dialogue down, but who knows really)

MEANWHILE, Maki ends up hiding with Kaito who has been trying to talk to her for a while and now she can’t leave him because there are insects everywhere outside. They sit there for a while, Kaito trying to start a conversation, but getting frustrated because she doesn’t talk back until they both lash out. Maki insists she doesn’t want to make friends, especially with him and not on the basis of them being soulmates or whatever. She adds that he doesn’t want to be friend with her, trust her. He asks why but she doesn’t answers. So he starts all over again, straighten up and introduce himself again. “Name’s Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars and totally not your soulmate.” She sniggers and introduce herself. They chit-chat for a bit and once the insects are gone, they leave. They say goodbye and Maki avoids him a bit less after this. 

The day after the Insect Meet and Greet, Kokichi arrive at Korekiyo’s home earlier than the others. He brags about how much of a shame it is that Gonta won’t work with them anymore, really it’s too bad. Except that when Ryoma arrives with Gonta in toe, his eyes are the size of saucers. In the days following, Kokichi still tries to use Gonta and make the giant hate him, which is slowly irritating Ryoma. He asks him why he keeps trusting Kokichi after everything he’s done, but Gonta says he believes Kokichi can become a good person, it’s actually the point of everything they’re doing. After a while Kokichi expends his pranks to the other frauds and Shuichi. That’s when it clicks for Korekiyo who goes to talk to him in private. He tries to ask him why he’s trying to get everyone who is close to him into hating him. Kokichi denies everything, just says it’s fun. Korekiyo just tells him it’s not doing him any good and they won’t hurt him if he let them get closer. He still prank them all, but it’s less mean. 

There is also a point where the group wonder if Miu isn’t a fraud too because of her loud mouth. She’s super annoyed by the automatic swear words blocker. She’s so loud and don’t get along at all with her soulmate Himiko who finds her exhausting. 

Also at some point, after Korekiyo began to understand that he was abused by his sister, Tsumugi reaches out to him. She give him a letter from his sister. She tells him visiting is not authorised yet, but she managed to negotiate postal communication just for him. He doesn’t take it well. At all. He has a mental breakdown, having flash-back and being terrorised of what to do with this letter. He doesn’t leave his home anymore and doesn’t answer to anybody, the group can’t have class with him. Everyone is getting worried and ends up asking Tenko for helps. They don’t really think he’ll talk to her but they really tried everything else. Himiko slides a word in their favor and Tenko agrees. She goes to the house, knocks and tells him to open. He doesn’t. She stays in front of the door for a while. After a few hours, Korekiyo finally asks what she wants. She says she wants to make sure he’s not dying or something. He says she heard his voice so now she knows he’s not dead, she can leave. But she doesn’t. She asks him to open the door, that it’s typical degenerate male behavior to lock themselves up and not face their emotions. She’s about to say he’s an idiot for making everyone worry like that, but the words die in her throat as the door opens and she sees her soulmate. He’s a mess. He lets her in. He sits down on the floor, she follows. After a few minutes she asks what’s going on. He tells her about how he recently found out what he always believed was false and maybe someone he cares a lot about actually hurt him a lot. He talks about his sister, about what he thought. He says he was wrong but don’t go in the details, he can’t for now. He cries and lose his composure again, which rings a billion alarms and raise his sister voice in his mind. Tenko instinctively reach her hand out and tries to stroke his hairs in a reassuring paterms. After a while, he calms himself and show her the letter, tells her he doesn’t know what to do. She takes it, rise to her feet and help him up. She goes to the chimney, light up a fire and give him back to him. “You don’t have to worry about this if it doesn’t exist anymore”. He let it falls into the flames and they both watch it burns until they are only ashes left. 

Korekiyo still needs some time, but he slowly let the other back. Tenko also go to talk to Tsumugi, telling her to cut the postal communication thing. She seems disapointed but agrees. 

After that they both start to get better. Tenko slowly try to have a better view on guys, she understands maybe not all of them are bad, like all women are perfect. Korekiyo is slowly opening up to others, slowly trying to move on from the abuse. It’s slow, for both of them, Tenko stops calling guys degenerate, but keeps the male, Korekiyo drops the hat, but keep the rest of the uniform. They’re making progress and supporting each other in little ways. 

Maybe the cast of Danganronpa 2 can be the demons (you know bc of Ultimate despair and all, and maybe the survivors of the game can be the demons that would end up agreeing with the humans) but I didn’t thought too much on this.

ANYWAY that’s a few things in my mind. If some of you are interested I’ll probably answer questions about it or post more if I have ideas. Maybe draw, who knows ! Hope some of you liked my ideas

[letterstomilen]

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

 Childe

12:35

ur a horrible influence on tonia

 Childe

12:35

and whos this ZHONGLI

 Childe

12:35

also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os

 Twin 1

12:37

a normal person would say hi

 Twin 1

12:37

also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school

 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?

 Childe

12:38

thats not very convincing

 Childe

12:38

also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares

 Twin 1

12:39

isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12

 Childe

12:42

thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”

 Twin 1

12:42

well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk

 Childe

12:42

whats asmr

 Childe

12:43

asking for my sister btw

 Twin 1

12:44

A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

 Childe

12:45

wtf?

 Twin 1

12:45

people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????

 Childe

12:45

idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos

 Twin 1

12:47

… makes sense

 Twin 1

12:47

check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type

 Childe

12:48

i thought we were talking about my sister????

 Twin 1

12:50

[message screenshots.jpg]

 Twin 1

12:50

ya she told me everything

 Twin 1

12:50

have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA

 Childe

12:51

hope he does it

He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)

It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)

When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.

The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.

Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.

Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.

“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”

Holy shit.

For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)

His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.

Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”

This time is different though.

Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.

And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.

The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)

Oh God — oh fuck.

“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)

“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)

“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”

“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”

“Huh?”

The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?

“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.

“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.

“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”

“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”

“Yeah.”

Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.

Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.

[florenceandthemachine]

broken Tumblr asks part ??: in which I think I figured out that adding a read more into the asks are what breaks them.

anonymous asked:

the team makes Buck cry. send tweet.

hi anon I really am sorry if you were hoping for some hurt / comfort bc uh. this is just the hurt. xoxox

also my love, thanks, and eternal devotion to @buckleydiazs for giving it a quick beta 💖

Buck was on cloud fucking nine.

For a year—an entire year—he had been stuck in the doctors office, twice a month, while they ran test after test after his… multiple accidents. Blood tests, lung tests, flexibility tests, he had been poked like a pincushion and stretched like a rubber band, he had been through physical therapy, occupational therapy, and just regular therapy (hell, he was still in regular therapy), and now finally, finally, he was finished. 

“So, you don’t show any signs of abnormal clotting and your risk for a second pulmonary embolism is low. As far as your ankle goes, but you’ve regained full mobility, and as much as I wish I could take all the credit for that, I know you’ve been working your ass off in therapy. Congratulations, Mr. Buckley.”

He was cleared. Fully out of the woods. Clean bill of health. 

Finally, finally, after a year of hell, he could put everything—his crushed leg, his bleeding lungs, his stupid lawsuit—behind him. Finally, he could breathe easy, easier than he had in a year, and the only thing he wanted to do in the entire world was share the news with his family. 

Normally, Maddie would have been first, but he always felt bad about tying up a dispatcher when he called her at work. Her shift ended in an hour or so, though—like his normally would have, if he didn’t have his schedule switched during doctor days.

Well, if he can’t tell his sister, he can still tell his family. 

“Hey, Chim!”

Buck is all smiles as locks his Jeep, his medical release in hand, jogging easily to catch up to Chim’s retreating backside. Buck grinned as Chim turned around, raising his brow. “Hey, do you and Hen have a second? I wanted to show you both my—“

“Oooh, sorry, no can do Buckeroo. Hen’s taking her MCAT’s in two days, I have every second of her free time booked solid with studying.”

Buck faltered a little bit as they walked, raising his brow. While he really was proud of Chim for doing a full 180 so quickly—going from feeling betrayed to supporting a friend was no easy feat, and Buck knew that as well as anyone, but he also knew that a full day of studying wouldn’t do any good. 

“Come on, Chim, I’m sure she can take a break to—“

“Noooo, Buck.”

“Chim.”

“Buck, seriously. She’s been working too hard for this, and I’m not having you break up her flow. This is important to her, you get that right?”

Of course Buck got it, but…

“I’m not going to let anyone ruin this for her.”

….ruin it? He just wanted to share some good news.

He understood that Hen had to study, and that her upcoming MCATS were really important to her, but this was important to Buck; and for Chim to jump straight to that degree made his heart sink a little bit with each beat, his head traitorously whispering to him ‘what if Chim is right?’. Hen had been one of his biggest supporters as he got off of blood thinners, as he started back into his various therapies, and he had thought he returned the favor, helping her study in his free time whenever he could, and helping her take her mind off of things when she needed to as well—maybe his distractions were more harm than good, but he knew Hen well enough to know that if no one pulled her away from her work, she just wouldn’t eat, sleep, go home, any of it. Was it really that bad that Buck wanted a minute?

He felt his smile start to slip so he hitched it back up, nodding his head. “Yeah, sure, I… okay, just hit me up when you’re all done, I guess?” He said, hoping his voice sounded more confident than he felt. It must have worked, because Chim clapped both of his arms and turned away, leaving Buck standing there for a moment before he shook himself out of it.

It was fine. Hen wanted to study, that was important. Buck tried to pump himself back up as he took the stairs to the loft two at a time, reveling in the simple act of fully rolling his ankle. He tilted his head as he heard Bobby’s voice spill out of his office, turning on his heel to his next target. Besides, Bobby sounded frustrated—some good news would do him good, or so Buck thought. 

“…no, I don’t—no, we can’t just take—wait, what? No, I will not hold!”

Buck almost laughed as he knocked on the Cap’s open door, smiling when Bobby waved him inside.

“Look, forgive me if I’m not entirely sympathetic, but when we’re down an engine, and you can’t tell us when repairs will be done—well then you’d better transfer me to someone who can!”

“Everything alright, Cap?” Buck couldn’t help but smile as Bobby strangled his phone, sighing in defeat when the plastic wouldn’t yield. 

“You know, Marty was a crook in the end, but damn, he was a good mechanic. What’s up, Buck?”

Buck winced at the reminder of the nearly would-be heist, humming thoughtfully as he waved his full release forms. “Well, this shouldn’t take long. I got back from the doctors today, and—“

Bobby’s groan cut him off, hanging his head in his free hand. “No, Buck, no. I can’t have you sick right now, and nothing good ever follows ‘doctor’.”

Buck laughed, but Bobby kept going, the stress of the day and being down an engine clearly getting to him as he continued on. “And the last time I heard “doctor” from you, it was followed by lawsuit, which—yes, I’m still holding, hello?”

Lawsuit?

What the fuck? 

Buck reeled back like he had been slapped, the smile frozen on his face even with Bobby’s clear dismissal. He was glad that he didn’t have to say anything else, at the very least, because his throat felt hot and tight and it was all he could do to stay steady as he pivoted on his heel, walking out of the office. 

He hated the fact that that was the first thing Bobby brought up, but he hated even more how much that dark cloud was still lingering over his head. If Bobby would be so candid when Buck was barely two words in to saying something, who’s to say what choice words he had about Buck when he was gone? 

The lawsuit was the worst part of his life, the biggest mistake he had made, and he couldn’t wrap his head around it being thrown in his face when he was ready to walk in and share what was the best news he had ever received. Is that… all he would have here, all he would have been able to look forward to?

He started back down the stairs, his legs acting independently of the rest of his body, a dull tingling spreading through his chest as he finally sat down. He didn’t know if there was a happy medium between cold and numb (‘shock’, his mind provided, ‘you’re in shock’), but whatever it was, he was deep into it.

God, he had honestly thought that was all behind him. How fucking stupid was he to think that he was going to be able to come back from a mistake that huge, even a year later?

“Buck?”

He could feel himself starting to panic—loathe as he was to admit it—but as per usual, Eddie was a step ahead of the game without even knowing it. Even now, just hearing Eddie take a few steps closer to him started to ease his heartbeat, and he swallowed a few times as he nodded, fighting off the headrush as he was able to breathe again.

“Hey, Buck, you good?”

“Hey, Eddie, uh…hey!” Buck stood up and wiped his hands on his pants, paperwork forgotten next to him as he tried to smile. If anything, he knew—he knew to his very core, he knew, he… he prayed Eddie would be able to share this little victory with him. “Eds, you have a second to talk?“

Buck almost swallowed his tongue as the alarm sounded through the station, his jaw clicking shut as footsteps started to come down the stairs. 

“Hey, we’ll talk later, yeah?” Eddie called, already heading to his locker. It was all Buck could do to hold it together, nodding his head as he waved them off, letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when the ladder pulled out of the station.

--

Eddie may have had a good start on his day, but Buck did not. 

He had woken up, kissed Christopher goodbye as Carla brought him to school, and less than ten minutes later, he had a brown envelope in hand, with a curt “You’ve been served”.

Shannon’s will was being contested. The will that Eddie didn’t even know she had. By her father, who Eddie had only seen twice in several years of marriage. 

The will was simple enough—a few grand left to Christopher’s college fund, a small pair of earrings to her sister, and that was it. There was nothing to contest, in Eddie’s mind, but contested it was.

He looked over the paperwork twice, and it made less sense the second time around—as much as he hated to admit it, the worst part of it all was knowing that Eddie was going to be alone at work again, because Buck had another day off scheduled in the books. 

So yeah, he may have been a little grumpy as he threw a few weights around in the work room for the start of his shift.

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Eddie was spiraling; he couldn’t understand how someone could be so bitter, so selfish, to try and stop a few thousand dollars from going into a college fund for their grandchild. His mood only soured as his shift went on, there were no distractions, no calls, nothing to help him pull his head out of his ass, and no one he could talk to. Chim had almost bitten his head off when he said hello to Hen that morning, Bobby was dealing with yet another broken down, tax funded nightmare, and Buck—

And Buck was here. 

“Buck?”

Eddie did an honest to god double take as he saw Buck sitting on the bench, like he had been summoned from the depths of Eddie’s mind, even though he looked like he was in a state of shock.

“Hey, Buck, you good?”

He couldn’t lie, it made his heart skip a beat when Buck smiled at him—even if he could tell that Buck’s heart wasn’t in it. 

Before he could say anything more, the alarm sounded through the house, and Eddie was about a step away from fully losing his mind. “Hey, we’ll talk later, yeah?” He said, trying to give a small smile as he started to double back to his locker.

The call, to put it mildly, had not gone well—any fire call where the main focus wasn’t the fire was bound to be troublesome. A ten year old had started a fire in a laundry room, which should have been simple enough, except it was the same laundry room that he and his brother had apparently been locked up on for months. 

Suddenly what started out as a fire call turned into fire, medics, and police, and Eddie felt his hands start to shake as he worked with Hen to revive a ten year old boy. Barely older than Christopher. It wasn’t the first time he had seen abuse face to face, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last, but something about it was working him up more than usual. He was glad his shift was almost over—the only thing he wanted to do was go home, hug his kid, and sleep.

“—ooh, Mads, they’re back, gotta go. Hey, Eddie!”

He knew he was in deep when not even hearing Buck’s voice could brighten his mood—it was all he could do to hitch a half-hearted smile onto his face as he stepped off of the spare rig.

“Good call, right? Maddie said it sounded like everyone should pull through.”

Eddie just felt himself wind up tighter as he shook his head, rolling his jaw to force himself to keep it loose. “No, Buck. It was not a good call. It was a very bad call.” Bad didn’t even begin to cover it. Eddie could still feel his heart in his throat, feel a tiny body in his arms as Hen started compressions.

He was too wrapped in his own world to notice Buck falter, clearly thrown in the conversation. “Well, hey, if you’ve got a second—“

“Come on Buck, give it a break. I just want to get the fuck out of here as soon as I can.”

Pulling his boots off, he tossed them with perhaps a bit more force than needed into his locker, missing the way that Buck’s face shuttered. “You too, huh?”

“‘You too’? The hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Eddie, I just wanted to share some good news, and—“

“Well things aren’t just good or bad, Buck! Just because no one died does not make a good call, and just because things are bad right now doesn’t mean I have to be cheered up. I’m allowed to be pissed off. I’m allowed to have one fucking minute!” Eddie snapped, chucking his jacket against the hamper in the corner, jaw clenched so hard he would have been afraid of cracking a tooth if he was in his right state of mind.

“So please, tell me what is so god damned important that I can’t see my kid until you tell me.”

The moment the words left his lips, he knew it was a mistake. The only person that loved Chris as much as Eddie was Buck, and he knew that, saw that more clearly than ever as his white hot anger dulled into something more manageable. He swallowed as he turned around, and… fuck, Buck wasn’t even looking at him.

“…Buck, I—“

--

“Clean bill of health.”

Buck couldn’t bring himself to look up up as he tossed the stack of papers onto the bench, doing his absolute best to keep himself composed as he spoke, his jaw tight and brow furled. 

He had been so proud of himself for avoiding a panic attack while they were on the call. He had never gotten them before this past year, but between the earthquake, tsunami, Maddie’s kidnapping, and bomb, he had become fast friends with the crushing weight. But he had done well—he kept himself above water, so to speak, and when he called Maddie he was proud to say that his voice was almost steady, and prouder still when she congratulated him for his job well done in therapy, demanding he come over and celebrate tonight. 

Well, even if he couldn’t count on his family friends team, he could always count on Maddie. It was a small joy in the world, but right now, it felt like it was all he had.

“Officially back to 100% mobility in my crushed ankle, officially out of the woods for another clot. Did you know it would take me a year to be clear of another embolism, because I refused blood thinners? Well, I figured you might, since you’re been running calls without me, every other week for a year, while I sit in a hospital room.”

Buck finally brought himself up to meet his teammates eye as Eddie’s frustration started to give way to confusion, and that, that hurt more than anything else today. Had anyone even realized why his schedule changed every other week? Did anyone care? “And alright, like you said, it might not be that important to you all but—“

“Buck, you—“

“But it’s really fucking important to me! All I wanted to do was share the good news with the people who are supposed to be family, my team, and instead all I got was blown off, snapped at—Eddie, I mentioned the word doctor in front of Bobby and his first concern was if he had another lawsuit on his hands.”

Buck was mildly aware that he was shaking—he had never really handled stress like this well—but the bigger concern was the tightening in his throat, that sinking pressure he felt right beneath his lungs. He could handle a lot of things, but that didn’t mean he could handle crying in front of Eddie quite yet.

“It’s been a year, Eddie, and I thought things were getting better, so what gives? What did I do, what have I done to deserve being treated like this? I’m serious, please, tell me, so I can fix it!”

Buck’s voice was reaching a fevered pitch as he gestured around the locker room, feeling himself splinter as he begged, literally begged, to know what he had done—why his work had meant nothing. Would he be mortified later? Probably, but everyone had a breaking point, and Buck was realizing (belatedly) that he was past his.

“All I wanted to do today was share a victory with my team, at least share it with you, you’re supposed to be my best friend, and I—I don’t get why—“

If Buck could clearly see Eddie’s face, he might have laughed at the pale, slack jawed, panicked expression before him. As it was, though, his eyes were starting to burn, and even as he reached to rub them, his body finally gave up, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Why is everyone being so fucking mean?” 

Buck didn’t bother with another platitude as he pushed past Eddie, rubbing tear tracks off of his cheeks. He felt his face heat up as he stormed out of the firehouse, fumbling for his keys, and heaven help any member of the 118 who stood in his way. 

--

Buck was crying.

The team had made Buck cry.

Fuck, Eddie had made Buck cry. 

He just stood in the locker room as the sound of Buck’s Jeep faded into the distance, feeling his heartbeat throughout his entire body. All Buck wanted to do was share some positivity with the team, and Eddie had… eviscerated him. He bent down to pick up some of the papers Buck had left behind, his heart falling even further (as if that was possible) as he read over the paperwork.

Fuck.

“Hey, Eddie, is Buck in here? Chim said he wanted to talk to—woah, what’s wrong?”

The sweat on Eddie’s skin had cooled (hell, how long had he been standing there?) and guilt sunk heavier into his stomach as Hen walked into the locker room, with Chim trailing behind her. Eddie’s eyes were still glued to the release in his hand, barely noticing as Chim spoke, staring down at his phone. 

“Uhhh… why is Maddie telling me to camp out with one of you tonight?” he asked the room as a whole, sharing a confused glance with Hen before they both locked eyes on Eddie, who… well, who probably looked as bad as he felt.

Which, considering Eddie felt like he was about to cry himself, was saying a lot.

“We fucked up. I fucked up. I think—I think we broke Buck.”

And he had no idea how to fix it. 

[colour-outside-the-liness]

First of all!! Loved the MoU fic update! left you a comment on AO3 and all. 10/10 ratings haha.

Secondly, moving countries is great you should try if you ever get a chance. I've always wanted to do that and jumped in on the first opportunity I got to make that dream come true, and I recgozine how lucky I am to be able to do so. It's definitely not easy but I'd do it again if I could (in true sag fashion 😎 haha). Where would you want to live? You ever been outside the UK?

Hahaha you and I in a team would be a nightmare to play against I think. Oh come on you absolutely do not deserve people questioning your intelligence! I like to play dumb in addition to the taunting so people underestimate me, they never see it coming when I win. They never see the cheating coming either, my friends are always shocked when they find out, but I do it almost every single time! 😂 I'm competitive too but I like to play it cool especially If I lose I'll be like "it's just a game calm down yall" but if I win I'm like "in your face losers!" (very mature I know).

I love your drunken story, though does sound like it was very dangerous so I'm glad nothing bad happened to you two! Ah I love yalls nordern accent (me and everyone in this fandom 😂) haha your friend's sense of humor is golden.👌 I'm glad you enjoyed my worst drunken experience, that was the last time I did something like that, I felt bad bc my best friend had to take care of me the whole night and you're right she should've told me it was just a rock! Lucky you you didn't get a hangover the day after, I certainly regretted drinking too much that night however fun it might have been haha.

Like I said before your niece is a really cool kid haha I'm glad you have someone to talk to about Bly Manor, don't know anyone who watches the show and my friends don't like scary stuff so I have to talk to myself about it 😂 and now you! Thank you for entertaining me ;) and I only watch the parts I really like now, I'm tired of crying every time I watch the whole show haha.

Do you do random accents really badly like Dani too? 😂 it is kinda funny your mom said it like that yeah hahaha maybe she just meant the good bits? And I mean, do you think you need help? Lol

I have a sneak peek of that damie fanart here, don't think I'll ever finish it tho. I want to do a medieval AU inspired fanart. Maybe it will also inspire someone to pick up the idea and write it haha.

How's your weekend been so far? My neighbor is making me watch Grey's Anatomy season (???) 500 idk but I wish I was reading that pirate AU instead 😂

Awwh thank you so much!! I will get around to replying to the comment on AO3 tomorrow when I reply to the others I've had a very busy day today though so haven't even had chance to read any comments yet but thank you so much for giving it a 10/10!! I wanna do it as soon as I get chance but I know it's gonna be hard and that I am gonna need a bit more money behind me first but I definitely wanna do it when I can... yeah I've been out of the UK twice- one time I went to France for the weekend when I was doing my A Levels and was like 17 the college I was studying at took some of the art kids and since I was doing a photography A Level I got to go and then a couple of years ago I went to LA for a few weeks which was great but I've never been out of the UK for longer than that!! A nightmare for everyone else but it would be hilarious for us I just know it would haha... I sometimes do I have said some dumb things, I actually used one of my dumber moments as a funny little story in one of my fics- people still laugh at me now for what I said and it's been 10 years... my roommate will not let me live it down!! See surprising people that way is always brilliant like when people just expect you to lose and then you win? That's the best kind of win in my eyes!! I don't cheat at games I am just ridiculously competitive and can't stand losing unless it's something like a video game I am okay with losing those but board games I can't stand losing and I am also a terrible winner my roommate won't play games with me anymore!! I can't say anything about anyone being that kind of a winner because I know I am and one of my sister's is terrible too we literally make a song and dance over winning Oh it was so dangerous and we were so dumb to do it like anything could've happened and we both sit and look back at that and go "man we were dumb" but I also sit and go "oh my god she's gonna be a mum in like 4 months" because we've done some crazy / stupid stuff!! My roommate is without a doubt one of the funniest people I have ever met and she's not afraid to tell it how it is... I'll admit because I have a Northern accent Jamie is like the only character on Bly Manor to not have an accent to me so when I hear people talking about her accent I'm always a little like "what?" Because to me that's just how people talk around here haha I did enjoy your drunken story and honestly we've all been there I have had to be taken care of on more than one occasion for being too drunk like to the point of people having to help me into my pyjamas and everything I've been in some bad ways haha!! She should've definitely told you it was just a rock and not a turtle!! Yeah I've only had one hangover and that was after a night of drinking where I blacked out and don't remember any of the night!! Yeah the night of the drinking is always fun- the hangover isn't though and often makes you wonder if it was worth it haha She's so cool like genuinely just a cool and funny kid and she just asks all the questions about shows she's watched so with me its Bly Manor with her mum and dad it's Stranger Things she asked me about it once but I had to tell her I'd never watched it she didn't seem impressed but yeah I'll talk to her about Bly Manor any day of the week- and you too now honestly I will talk about it to anyone that will listen... I can't not watch it all if I watch it because there's just so much about it that I love even if it makes me cry... episodes 4,6, and 8 are my favourites though and are probably the ones I have watched the most!! Yeah I do random accents all the time and they're always terrible but I always find myself really funny- I had this friend at Uni that had a slight southern English accent because he had spent most of his childhood there before moving up north and he still said certain words in a southern accent and I used to do his accent all the time but it was always terrible!! Oh yeah my mum is pretty blunt with stuff like she'll say things sometimes without thinking about how it sounds that or she just doesn't care like she's said

somethings haha I am sure she did mean the Dani thing in a nice way though because she said she liked her- Dani and Owen were her favourites and I mean some help for me wouldn't be a terrible thing I'll admit haha That fan art is incredible!! Like seriously amazing!! I would love to see some medieval fan art for Damie!! I have been sent a few medieval prompts for Damie and I have started writing some of them but it's taking time to actually get full chapters together but once I have and once I have more time from wrapping up other WIPs I'll make a start on editing and uploading those because medieval stuff is always great!! It's been good thank so far today I went to a little beach town with my mum, 2 of my sisters their partners and two of my nieces (my cool niece was one of them… not that my other niece isn’t cool but you know what I mean) and me, my two brother in laws, and my nieces all played a game of crazy golf while my mum and sisters went to a cafe and had cups of tea... they didn't wanna play with us but we still had fun while we played (I came second which I was very happy with)!! I hope you enjoy Grey's Anatomy and that you get chance to read the pirate AU soon!! It's soo good!! ☺️

[generallynerdy]

Maybe it does all add up to a single hush (Kanan Jarrus/Cal Kestis)

Summary: 15 years after the Fall, 10 years after the death of Caleb Dume, Kanan Jarrus and Cal Kestis find each other again.

Warnings: Jedi: Fallen Order Spoilers, Implied/Referenced Character Death, cursing, brief suicidal ideation/thoughts Word Count: 5,143

Author’s Note: the effort I had to put in not to make this another series...I had to stage an intervention for myself. Anyway, I love Cal and Kanan’s dynamic, whether as partners or as friends, and an Idea struck me that wouldn’t leave. Also, idk how old most people think Cal was when the war ended based on JFO clips, but I always just kind of went with him being the same age as Kanan at the end of the war bc I love them and I need them to know each other. The title is from the poem “So They Say— They Finally Nailed— The Proton’s Size— & Hope— Dies—” by Rosebud Ben-Oni.

Read On AO3

*

When the hard part is over, Cal returns to Bracca, his new lightsaber tucked under Cere’s old robe that still smells like the Temple, with the intention of burning Prauf’s body.

Caleb still had his own robe. He kept it in the deepest part of their shared closet, bringing it out only on the worst days. If Prauf saw it, he never mentioned it, and both boys were grateful for it. There was a lot he didn’t mention.

Cal thinks, sometimes, that Prauf knew who they were before. After all, it’s hard to look at two abandoned kids in the wake of the Clone Wars that can survive being riggers and not think of the thousands of Jedi younglings that died on Empire Day. It’s even harder to ignore two lightsabers and one ratty, brown robe.

Maybe Prauf wasn’t sure.

But he had to be, on that last day, when they found that fighter. When Cal caught him with the Force. He knew then, maybe before. But he still took care of them.

Maybe he knew when the Empire showed up, when Caleb heard the roar of a TIE Fighter and looked instantly to the redheaded boy beside him like he was about to die before his eyes. Maybe that was the moment he put it all together. Or was it his last moment? When the world began to go dark and both Cal and Caleb lashed out in fury at his killers with matching, bright blue blades—did he know? Did he know that he died for the children of an already dying Order?

Standing over the bonfire, Cal holds the Holocron in shaky hands.

Did Prauf know his sacrifice would save the life of every child just like them?

Cal moves away from the flames to the gap in the ground that they’d held Caleb over, his calloused hands clawing at the Ninth Sister, who clutched his throat.

Deep in Cal’s heart, he knows half the reason he beat her was for his best friend. He’d almost given in to rage but stopped himself at the memory of him. Revenge is not the way of the Jedi. But justice is. And so is survival, these days.

Caleb’s lightsaber fell long before he did. When he did fall, he went screaming bloody murder, the noise echoing in the silence that rang in Cal’s ears.

Standing at the edge now, Cal almost considers simply...stepping off.

He can survive it. He has before. And what’s to say that Caleb isn’t waiting at the bottom?

Caleb...used to like animals, he remembers. He preferred them to plants, which are unreadable if you don’t have practise with them. Animals, like people, are complex but tell you in simple terms what they want and what they don’t want. Cal has always been better with plants. They’re simple, grounding, natural. Caleb used to tease him for it.

The only plant he ever managed to grow on this place was a seedling in a boot filled with dirt he kept in their room. It had been making good progress in their last weeks, enough that he’d actually felt some semblance of hope.

And then...and then he’d lost everything. Again.

The Holocron burns in his hand, reminding him that there is more in store for him than an endless chasm. Hundreds of thousands of Force-sensitive children are depending on him now, him and the Mantis crew.

Cal lets out a shaky breath. “I couldn’t save you,” he whispers to the wind. “But maybe I can save them.”

On the way back to the Mantis, he turns around to go find the robe and the plant in its boot. The robe smells like blaster fire and the plant is wilting but both are comforting: one because it’s familiar and the other because it’s not quite gone yet.

*

Kanan changes his name.

It doesn’t feel right, hearing his given name from anyone that isn’t Cal or Prauf. The first and only time it happens, nausea sinks in and he quickly makes the change.

Some days, he wants to go back to Bracca. Some part of him still hopes Cal survived the Inquisitors, that he’s waiting for him back at what used to be home, but the logical part of him knows that he’s not. Kanan surviving was a miracle, a fluke, and those don’t happen twice. Sometimes he wishes it had never happened at all.

He managed to save his lightsaber, as broken to bits as it was. It and the necklace Cal gave him are all he has now.

Kanan doesn’t let himself grieve, as much as he knows he needs to. He hardly did it before, on Bracca, but now he won’t allow even a tear. Surviving is the only thing on his mind, though for what he doesn’t know.

When he almost loses that little piece of metal on a string, though, he breaks down sobbing.

It’s the stupidest thing, really. All those lessons on attachment are lost on him now, as he cries over the rusted symbol of the Jedi Order on a piece of scrap metal that Cal had put on a cord for him. He keeps it close to his heart, hanging off his neck every hour of every day if he can help it, and getting that close to losing it is the last straw.

He knows now, why he’s surviving. Because Cal would want him to.

Meeting Hera is a relief. She’s kind but curious, which is more of a bane than it should be.

(Painfully, he’s reminded of himself as a youngling. His Master always said his frequent questions were what drew her to him.)

She’s the first to know about his past, both as a Jedi and a rigger on Bracca. He doesn’t think to mention Caleb, doesn’t think it would matter to anyone, not until after a mission gone bad.

Hera is putting bacta on his wounds and graciously ignoring his constant wincing when she sees it.

She points to the cord after examining what hangs on it for a minute. “For someone who’s trying to be discreet, you wear a lot of Jedi stuff.”

Kanan snorts. “Yeah, well, I won’t get rid of this one.”

“It’s important to you,” she points out. “Can I ask why?”

He hesitates, swallowing roughly. “My best friend gave it to me...on Bracca, befo-before the Inquisitors caught up to us,” he admits. “He didn’t make it.”

Her eyes are full of empathy, something she never lacks. “What was his name?”

“Cal,” he says, voice quiet. “Cal Kestis.”

“If you remember his name,” she promises, “he’ll always be with you.”

It’s not so much a Twi’lek belief as it is her own but it reminds Kanan of Grey more than anyone else. His buir. The clones subscribed to many Mandalorian beliefs, including the echoing of remembrances for the dead. Before the abrupt end of the war, little Caleb used to say his every morning with his Master and buir.

So, he decides to start again. It’s difficult, at first, to even get through the first names, his oldest names.

“Depa Billaba,” he says through tears in the quiet of pre-dawn, “Grey, Styles, Prauf...”

He stops.

It’s hard to think, even harder to say, but he knows he needs to. He needs to tell himself the truth, needs to accept the truth.

“Cal—”

He sobs, shaky and painful. His throat burns just like it did when he fell down the chasm on Bracca, screaming his head off, part out of fear for himself but mostly for fear of what was happening to Cal above him. It hurts to speak it into the world, into the Force and those marching on. Cal is among them now, he knows. He just...has to admit it.

“Cal Kestis,” he finally says, the admission wobbly and half-hearted.

He never loses the necklace again.

*

They’ve finally settled on Bogano, after wiping every trace of it from Imperial data servers. The Holocron is safely locked away in the Vault, guarded by their crew and the Binog, fondly called ‘the big guy,’ mostly by fault of Greez.

Though mostly self-sufficient, occasionally some of them will leave the planet for supplies they can’t make themselves. While off on supply runs, well, they can’t help it if some Imperials just look like easy pickings. Apparently, slavers get the same treatment because Merrin ends up a figure in some sort of oral tradition of a Tatooine family, which Cal finds hilarious. Cere is not so amused and grounds them—literally, in that they can’t leave Bogano—for over a month.

Cal spends most of it repairing old platforms and ziplines, not to mention entertaining the Boglings.

They’re fond of him, for some reason, and BD-1, who loves to run around with them while Cal works. One in particular, named Rabid by Merrin after she stole her entire plate of food, is especially loveable.

Cal snickers as he pulls Rabid off his shoulder. “I have to finish this, then I can play.”

Rabid is not pleased with his answer, nibbling at his trousers.

“Rabid,” he chides, ignoring her in favour of his work. He laughs again. “I used to know somebody who would’ve loved you, annoying as you are.”

BD, who has taken Rabid’s place, beeps curiously.

Cal’s face falls a little. He pauses in his work. “Oh. I guess I’ve never told you about Caleb, huh?”

The little droid shakes his head.

Cal never intended to talk about Caleb to anyone, really, but it all comes pouring out. He tells BD and Rabid all about his old best friend, his confidant. The story is a long one, reaching from the creche all the way to Bracca and its bitter end. By the time he’s finished, his voice is quiet and hesitant, his grief echoing through.

Rabid curls up in his lap, nudging his hand, while BD sits in front of them, tilting his head.

A little light on the side of his scope says that he’s recording. He does that a lot, Cal knows, for prosperity, just like he was programmed to. Cal doesn’t mind, really.

When he finishes, BD gets his attention by chirping.

“Huh? You have something to show me?”

BD’s projector whirrs to life and a blue image appears. It’s Cordova, again, but not a video this time. It’s only a holo, of him and another Jedi—Master Jocasta Nu, Cal realises. Master Cordova is dead asleep on her shoulder and she’s leaned over to kiss his brow.

“Oh,” Cal breathes out, something jarring in his chest.

BD-1 thinks that he and Caleb were—well, were like that.

“I—” he pauses. “I dunno, buddy. I never asked him if...but I think…”

Well. It’d be a stretch to say Cal loved him, but he certainly cared for him more than he ever did anyone else. When they were thirteen and stupid, he might’ve said he had a crush on him. After the Fall, on Bracca, he just...didn't think of it. Caleb was all he had and he clung but he never...thought about what it was, thought about what they were.

It hurts to think of now, all that he missed.

“I don’t know if I did,” Cal tells BD quietly. “But I think I- I think I could have.”

BD asks about Caleb a lot, after that. Maybe he can tell that talking about him makes Cal happy. The others know about the one he lost but they don’t ask. They all have their demons and Cal’s are just...just too great to pile on another person. BD, though, is a little easier. All he wants is to see Cal smile again.

*

“What’s this?”

Kanan doesn’t think to look up at whatever Ezra—the newest addition to the Ghost crew—has swiped from him, until he notices a weight missing from his neck. His head snaps up to where a cord hangs from Ezra’s hand.

“Give that back,” Kanan growls, not meaning to be so aggressive.

Ezra’s eyes widen. He holds it out immediately, dropping it into Kanan’s open hand. “Sorry,” he mutters, watching curiously as Kanan puts it back on.

Almost by instinct, Kanan tucks the piece of scrap metal back under his shirt and breathes out a sigh of relief. He goes back to his datapad. Then, a moment later, when he notices the entire room is still silent, he looks up. Sabine and Zeb have joined Ezra in staring incredulously.

“What?” Kanan asks, his voice back to normal.

“I’ve never seen you that mad before,” Sabine admits with a half-shrug, though her eyes betray her concern.

Zeb nods, arms crossed. “And I’ve never seen you without that thing on your neck.”

“Yeah, you even sleep with it!” Ezra adds. “What’s up with that?”

“I—” He goes to make an excuse but stops, his hand fidgeting with the necklace.

“You don’t have to…” Sabine starts to say, but he shakes his head.

He sighs. To be honest, he’s surprised Zeb and Sabine haven’t asked before. “My best friend gave it to me.”

Ezra immediately sits down across from him, eyes wide. “Another Jedi?”

Admittedly, the kid is a lot like he used to be: always asking questions, always pushing. It’s going to get him in trouble someday but for now, it just gets him more stories out of Kanan, stories about the Jedi.

“Yeah. Yeah, another Padawan. We grew up in the Temple together.” He smiles, a fickle and fleeting thing. “He was picked by a Master before me, so we were separated...at the end. But I found him again, on the planet he was last assigned. He gave me this.”

Ezra’s face is bright, curious. Sabine, on the other hand, looks prepared for a gut-punch.

“What happened to him?” she asks quietly.

Kanan exhales sharply, ruefully. “Inquisitors. After 5 years of nothing, they came out of nowhere. I never saw what happened to him. For all I know, they still have him.”

“Oh,” Ezra says, his face falling.

“You know, Zeb,” Kanan begins, not wanting to make things any sadder, “his Master was a Lasat.”

He scoffs. “No way.”

“He was, swear it on my life!” he claims, raising a hand. “First time I saw you, I thought Master Tapal came back to haunt me for being a bad influence.”

Zeb snickers. “Bad influence? You?”

“Eh, a nudge here and there. We were not good kids.”

He tells them a few stories before Sabine and Zeb are called away by Hera and Chopper, leaving Ezra and Kanan alone. Ezra makes to follow them but stops, his expression cautiously blank.

“What is it, Ezra?” Kanan asks, already knowing that he’s brimming with curiosity.

“You said he was...your best friend?”

He frowns. “Yeah, ever since we were kids. Why?”

“I dunno. The way you talked about him just reminded me of my parents,” Ezra admits hesitantly. “Sappy. Did you—?”

Kanan sighs, touching his necklace again.

He had always been more reckless than Cal, back then. He threw himself into everything, into every situation. No matter the problem or the person, he was all-in. No matter what. And that included Cal. Once he took that step, he was karked. Before he knew it, he was hanging onto the redhead’s every word.

Cal was...different. Kanan had known that for a long time but the war only brought it out.

Kanan had a stupid crush, that was all. But on Bracca, it was everything and more.

He’d known then, known for a long time. Cal had never seen it but he didn’t have to. Kanan was fine the way things were. It didn’t feel right, bringing things up after...well, after. So Cal never knew.

(Sure, he could see the past of things with a single touch of his hands but he’d always been pretty oblivious.)

“Love him?” Kanan asks, raising an eyebrow.

Ezra nods.

It’s without hesitation that he answers. “I did.”

When they go in search of Master Luminara, Kanan’s kids buy him a precious few minutes to search for a Cal Kestis in the prisoner logs. He’s not there, of course, but Kanan thinks he prefers that to a death certificate.

*

“Ho-oly shit,” Greez says over comms one day. “You guys better get up here.”

Cal shares a look with Cere, following her out of the workshop with BD on his shoulder. Merrin has already teleported to Greez’s side when they arrive, lightsabers in hand. Greez passes the young man—not so young anymore, Cere has commented teasingly as he desperately shaves away any trace of his age—a pair of electrobinoculars.

Squinting through the scope, he spies a trail of smoke on the horizon attached to a ship.

“Kriffing hells,” Cere says after she gets a look.

In all their 10 years here, no one has ever landed—or crashed, for that matter—on the planet. The few ships that have come into orbit were Imperial and always quickly dealt with before word could get out. This one, however, isn’t exactly your standard Imperial cruiser. And it’s wrecked.

“Looks like a modified VCX-100 light freighter to me,” Greez says. “It’s a nice ship.”

Merrin rolls her eyes. “Are we waiting for them to come to us?”

“Looks like we don’t have to,” Cere declares, still looking through the binocs. “They’re headed this way, six hostiles. Three humans, a Lasat, a Twi’lek, and a droid.”

Greez laughs. “A Lasat? We’re kriffed.”

“Says you,” Merrin snorts.

“I’m with her,” Cal agrees, a cocky smile on his face. “Merrin and I will take the Vault. Cere, Greez, take home. BD will lure the big ones our way.”

“You got it, kid.”

Cere puts a hand on his shoulder before he can follow Merrin—more or less, seeing as she just teleports everywhere. “Be careful.”

The worst part of intruders is that even the hypothetical good ones can’t know Bogano is here. They’ll have to knock them out hard enough for their memories to be spotty and dump them in a nearby system if they’re smart—and they are.

Cal slips on his robe, a gift from Cere, and flips the hood up, making for the Vault.

If these visitors think they can take the Holocron, they have another thing coming.

*

“Are you sure we can find help here?” Ezra asks for the third time as they approach the massive building in the distance. “It looks...deserted.”

Hera sighs for the third time. “Scanners said there were signs of life here in a higher concentration than the rest of the planet. It’s worth checking out.”

Sabine gestures through the mild fog. “There’s buildings up ahead.”

“Good, let’s head there,” Kanan says, a cautious hand on his lightsaber.

Hopping across platforms is a pain, but they all manage to make their way to what looks like a residential area. A small path digs into the ground, leading deeper inside the planet’s crust. With a look at her second in command, Hera starts toward it. However, she stops when Kanan freezes.

“Do you feel that?” he asks suddenly, squinting as he looks into the distance.

Something is...tugging at him. Something in the Force is insistent that he go...that way. The feeling of incompleteness settles inside his chest.

“No…” Ezra replies uneasily. “What is it?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know.” After a moment, he decides. “I think I should go this way. You guys go on ahead.”

Zeb scoffs. “I’ll go with you. We don’t know who lived here. Could be Inquisitors for all we know.”

“They generally prefer places with lava,” Ezra counters.

The group splits, with Hera leading Sabine, Chopper, and Ezra into the abode. She and Sabine have their blasters raised, while Ezra keeps a hand on his lightsaber. Chopper is always ready to give someone a nasty shock.

“Anyone home?” Sabine calls.

There’s no answer.

They come across a small kitchen and dining room, where two chairs are pulled out. Over one hangs a small, ratty brown robe with multiple blaster burns.

Ezra plucks it off the back of the seat. “Woah, cool,” he breathes. “Very Jedi-like, huh?”

“Leave it, Ezra,” Hera chides fondly.

“You’d best,” says another voice.

All three of them jump as a lightsaber hums to life. Double-bladed, the weapon burns bright white throughout the room, illuminating its bearer, a woman with dark skin and hair, and her companion.

“Inquisitor!” Ezra cries, lighting his own.

The lightsaber wielder’s friend fires off a blaster right at Hera, who’s shoved out of the way by Sabine. Chopper shrieks, his head spinning.

“Look out!”

On the surface, Zeb follows Kanan to the edge of the platform. There, they find a zip line, which they intend to brave before a series of chirps stops them.

Zeb yelps and lifts his rifle when a droid appears, only stopped by Kanan’s raised hand.

It’s...a buddy droid.

“Hey, little guy,” Kanan greets cautiously. “What are you doing all the way out here?”

He beeps excitedly and backs away, indicating that they should follow. With a single leap, he attaches himself to the zipline and whirrs as he zooms all the way down.

“Don’t tell me we’re following the droid,” Zeb groans.

Kanan just smiles. “We’re following the droid.”

Using the Force to balance himself, he leaps atop the zipline and begins to tiptoe his way down. Behind him, Zeb sighs but reaches up to grab the line, following right after him. They land on a platform a good distance away, where a small slope is guarded by two statues; the beings depicted are of an unknown species, one lost to time.

“I don’t like this,” Zeb says as soon as he hops onto the grass. “It’s like the start of a bad horror holo.”

Kanan snorts. “If that were true, it would be raining tookas and massiffs.”

The buddy droid whirrs loudly to get their attention and bounces his way up the sloping path, on top of which sits a fluffy native creature. Kanan doesn’t know what they’re called, but this one is adorable. She chirps at them, much like the droid did.

“Oh, you’re a sweet little thing, aren’t you?” Kanan coos, moving to meet the creature and let her sniff his hand.

She makes a happy noise and nudges him.

“Ugh,” Zeb mutters, “more things.”

The droid and the creature lead them to the entrance of the massive, ancient building that had caught Kanan’s eye from the crash site. He steps in front of Zeb, placing his hand on the runes in the rock as the Force sings. This isn’t what’s calling him, but…

“Something is here,” Kanan whispers.

“I hope it’s not something that wants to eat us,” Zeb says long-sufferingly.

The slab of rock retreats into the space above, leaving an open tunnel of sorts.

“Karabast,” the Lasat curses, “I hate Jedi stuff.”

Kanan rolls his eyes. “C’mon.”

It’s a tight fit, but the two squeeze their way through, Kanan leading the way. They exit into a large cavern filled with a few inches of water, just enough to be annoying. Standing in the midst of the cave is a figure in a brown robe. The moment Kanan spots him, he draws his lightsaber and stands in front of Zeb until he can ready his rifle, too.

“You are not meant to be here.”

Kanan frowns. “The Force says otherwise. Who are you?”

“The guardian of this vault. You need to leave,” the figure says.

From underneath their robe, they draw a very familiar weapon. With a snap and a hiss, two blades of yellow light appear. Kanan lights his own lightsaber in response but it’s too little too late.

A green smoke encompasses Zeb, who yelps as he’s flung across the room by a pissed off Nightsister—which makes zero sense because they’re all supposed to be dead.

Kanan makes for his friend, interrupted only by the mysterious guardian rushing at him.

“Where did you get that lightsaber?” the faceless figure hisses.

And, well, Kanan doesn’t know how to answer that question except with another question. “Where did you get yours? ”

Back in the residential platform, Hera leaps in between Ezra and the lightsaber-wielder. “Wait!” she cries.

Both stop, staring at her like she’s crazy.

“That’s a healed kyber crystal, isn’t it?” Hera asks, pointing to her white blade. “You’re not an Inquisitor. You’re a Jedi.”

The woman lowers her lightsaber just slightly. “I was.”

“I’m one, too!” Ezra chirps, popping out from behind Hera. “Er. I’m training to be one!”

Her eyes widen. “A Padawan? Who’s your Master?”

Before he can answer, Hera speaks for him. “Kanan Jarrus. But his name used to be Caleb Dume.”

“Caleb?” she asks, her voice hushed in awe. “Depa Billaba’s Padawan?”

She nods.

Abruptly, the woman turns sharply on her heel, raising her comm unit to her lips and rushing out the door. “Cal, they’re non-hostiles, non-hostiles! Don’t hurt your boyfriend!”

“What!?” Ezra and Sabine cry at the same time, the former’s voice cracking.

Without another word, they follow her and her friend outside.

*

Merrin has the Lasat out of the Vault long before Cal gets his opponent to the entrance, admittedly. Lightsaber to lightsaber combat is significantly more balanced than Nightsister magick against a bo-rifle, poor guy.

Still, Cal pushes the intruder to the top of the Vault’s slope, the man just on the edge of slipping.

That’s when Cere’s voice crackles through the comms.

“Cal, they’re non-hostiles, non-hostiles! Don’t hurt your boyfriend!”

Hand grasping the intruder’s shirt, holding him above the edge, Cal freezes. He meets brown eyes and suddenly can’t breathe, gaze drifting to the cord around the taller man’s neck. His gloveless fingers just barely skim the material, Force signatures exploding in front of his eyes.

And suddenly, he can see it. He can see himself, painstakingly painting that symbol onto the metal and bartering for a cord. He sees an older Caleb sobbing in the quiet of an unfamiliar room, clutching that necklaces like a lifeline.

“Did you—?”

“Love him? I did.”

A shaky breath passes his lips.

“Caleb?” he asks, voice breaking on the name that’s so unfamiliar on his tongue.

The grip on his wrist loosens.

Kanan hears the woman’s voice, clear as day, but he almost doesn’t believe it at first. He almost doesn’t believe when he hears that whispered question. Caleb. It’s the name of a stranger and yet—yet when that robe’s hood slips off to reveal red hair and bright green eyes, he feels like he’s never known any other name.

“Cal?”

The Force wasn’t calling him to the Vault. It was calling him to its guardian.

Silence falls, the rest of the world fading away. All they’ve been through, all they’ve seen, and it all stops in this moment. It all adds up to this.

Cal lets go of his shirt, letting him balance precariously at the top of the muddy slope down from the Vault. Neither of them speaks—neither of them knows what to feel, except bright, unparalleled joy.

Cal doesn’t let himself flinch when Caleb reaches, his fingers just barely skimming his cheek.

He doesn’t get much further. Green smoke encompasses his body and before Cal knows it, his best friend is being flung from the Vault entrance to the platform beyond, screaming as he goes. The platform beyond, where the Oggdo used to reside, is covered in flowers. It was there that Cal planted his little sapling in a boot and there that the plant spread, covering almost every inch of land with budding blue and yellow flowers.

Cal whirls around to see Merrin, her eyes glowing green.

“Merrin, no!” he protests, eyes wide with desperation. “That’s Caleb!”

Merrin’s glowing fades as she glances at the nearby Lasat and her friend’s horrified face. “My mistake,” she says in that tone that says she knows exactly who he is.

(They were taking too long to speak, in her opinion.)

Cal huffs at her before getting a running start toward the entrance, using the Force to balance himself as he slides down that muddied slope, sailing right toward Caleb. Near the end, he leaps into the air, propelling himself a mere few feet from his collapsed companion.

“Caleb!” he cries, stumbling the last few steps and falling to his knees, where Caleb is face-down in the damp grass, his hair-tie mysteriously missing.

Caleb is—well, he’s okay. He’s just...wheezing with laughter.

He pushes himself up on his elbows and flips over just as Cal makes it to him, his chest heaving with the effort. And still, he laughs, a half-mad sound.

“Are you o—?” Cal is cut off by his own yelp when Caleb flings himself up from the ground and pulls Cal with him.

He embraces the redhead, dragging them both to their feet so he can swing Cal around. Cal shrieks and hitches his legs up on his hips, as difficult as that is with the man’s height—the bastard, he grew. He reaches desperately for Caleb’s shoulders to hold onto when they spin, completely unaware of Cere and the rest of Caleb’s group appearing on the platform.

Finally, Caleb stops, looking up at Cal with shining eyes and a smile that could kill a man. Cal leans forward, letting his forehead fall against his and breathing out a sigh of relief.

“I thought the Inquisitors had you,” Caleb whispers, a thousand more words in the back of his mind, too many to count.

Cal’s eyes well with tears. “I thought you were dead.”

Caleb has always been more reckless than Cal but the latter was the one to hear his words echo through that necklace, an admission years too late. It’s because of that little echo that Cal buries a hand in the hair that falls to his shoulders and pushes his head upward, meeting him in a searing kiss.

Out of shock, Caleb both squeaks—adorable, Cal thinks—and clutches the back of Cal’s shirt for a moment before dropping him. Luckily, his instinct has him landing on his feet.

The drop pulls him away and, looking up, he sees Caleb looking shell-shocked.

He just grins, grabs the taller man’s shirt, and pulls him in for another kiss, this one saying much more than the first. Caleb plants his feet and buries a hand in Cal’s hair for good measure.

They both ignore Greez cackling in the distance and Sabine’s whispered: “What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck —”

Because in that moment, all is right with the galaxy. Cal’s flowers are fully grown and blossoming beneath their feet, Caleb’s robe is waiting for him in the other room, and they have each other again.

And that’s all they’ve ever really wanted, isn’t it?

*

River’s Tags: @hahaboop & @mystoragehatesme

Masterlist

[captaincartervalues]

Season 5 rewrite

Imagine how great season 5 would have been if the Crisis lead up and Lena’s and Kara’s storyline had been the sole focus, front and center all season long:

We get Team Supergirl and the DEO learning a Crisis is coming and figuring out what exactly that means while analyzing the catalog of DEO alien records at their disposal and searching for any instance of the “Monitor” or “Anti-Monitor.” The team inevitably asking Brainy as he is from the future and Brainy explaining his knowledge or lack thereof concerning the historical event of Crisis while theorizing that Crisis must be the root of the loss of records and certain information in the future.

We get Dreamer trying to tap into the core of her powers to dream Crisis and interpret her visions. She gets stuck and has problems understanding what she is seeing until her mom comes to her and points her toward the solution she’s been ignoring: her sister. Her sister studied her whole life waiting to become Dreamer so of course she has more knowledge than Nia who avoided it her whole life. She is forced to reach out to her sister and work through their issues toward reconciliation so they can both help stop Crisis and become closer as sisters once again.

We get Kara having to face the possibility that her biggest trauma and worst fear may happen again if they don’t figure this out. We get her and J’onn discussing the loss of their worlds and how while their pain is shared the process of their loss differs greatly. Because while J’onn had to watch the gradual and torturous genocide of his people, Kara lost her people and her planet in an instant, forced to relive that firey blaze over and over in the phantom zone, literally and figuratively trapped in time. J’onn asks how she has dealt with that and Kara says she hasn’t, not fully and with tears in her eyes she turns to him and says how can I survive losing it all again? Losing more than what I lost on Krpton? Losing a home I chose to love? Losing a sister? Losing Eliza and you? Losing my best friends? Losing Lena?

We get Kara struggling with preparing for Crisis as Supergirl and not reporting on it as Kara. She struggles with not being able to inform the masses, not letting loved ones cherish the time they have now and say goodbyes they wouldn’t otherwise get. Alex tells her it’s for the best and for their security to keep it confidential but Kara isn’t as sure and resents having to keep yet another secret. She has seen how secrets hurt those you love and she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to keep this one too.

We get Kara telling Lena all about Crisis after saying no more secrets and that Lena will know everything in 5x01. Lena works with the team trying to stop Crisis while also continuing her secret project thinking that the worlds won’t be worth saving unless people stop hurting each other first and that only once she gets them to stop hurting each other will they be able to truly come together to stop crisis. After all, the multiverse may be in physical crisis, but humanity is in a moral crisis. She has to stop both.

We get Kara having vulnerable and open moments with Lena about Krypton and how scared she is of Crisis taking another home. Kara shares more with Lena than she ever has all while Lena shares nothing of her true feelings and anger towards Kara as she continues to use her. Though unbeknownst to Lena, her own emotions are becoming mixed and blurred the more Kara shares with and confides in Lena.

We get Alex trying to bear the burden of DEO Director as the biggest threat to Earth, all the Earths, is before them. We see her second guessing herself and her decisions asking J’onn for help only for him to show her the answers within herself and to trusts her instincts, reminding her of the questionable and wrong decisions the DEO made under him and the times she instilled hope and compassion in him.

We get Alex sharing small and big moments with Kelly knowing they might be the only ones they’ll ever get. We get Kelly dealing with her fears of losing her loved ones and realizing loving someone and loving Alex is worth the fear of losing them and you can’t run from a crisis, you have to run towards it with the support of your people.

We get Kelly having individual talks with the team about coping with something as huge and stressful as Crisis. Kelly talks through some of Nia’s mental blocks so she can dream more clearly and more freely. Kelly talks with Brainy after he breaks down about not having the answers and not knowing which courses of action are statistically better. He becomes indecisive out of fear of leading the team down the wrong path before crisis which prompts him to realign with his original cold and calculating side. Kelly helps him embrace his emotions again reminding him that sometimes the statistically inferior choice is the right choice bc statistics can’t always replace instinct. Kelly talks with Kara about the struggles of living an every day life reporting on things that are trivial compared to the end of existence. Kelly helps Kara realize that in the face of such overwhelming catastrophe, it can be the mundane and the menial that grounds us in reality. Lena refuses to talk with Kelly insisting she is fine but Kelly senses the opposite becoming increasingly worried. She keeps trying to let Lena know she’s there but Lena keeps isolating herself as much as possible.

We get Kara repeatedly skipping meetings about Crisis strategy to help Lena or spend time with Lena and when she is at Crisis brainstorms (with and without Lena) Kara seems distracted at times. Alex talks with Kara about Lena and tries to be understanding but Lena says she forgave Kara and they have bigger things to worry about so Alex gets increasingly frustrated with Kara’s behavior until she explodes. Alex and Kara get into a big fight when Alex confronts Kara accusing her of not putting enough energy and focus into their Crisis prep. Alex demands her full focus and Kara yells back saying she can’t when her focus is Lena. Alex says this is more important than Lena and Kara saying nothing is more important than Lena. Alex reminding Kara there are literal worlds at stake and Kara saying Lena is her world and there is no world worth living on without Lena in her life. (You thought Kara choosing Lena over the world was gay? We could have had Kara choosing Lena over infinite worlds! INFINITE GAYDOM)

We still get the juicy confrontation with Lena and Kara but this time with more emotional stakes bc of all the extra intimate moments they have shared and time spent trying to stop crisis together while Kara thought they were also getting so much closer than they ever have. Kara telling Lena, she knows why she helped them with Crisis but why did she keep pretending to be her friend for so long? And Lena has less of an “I needed you for my plan excuse” and it’s purely “because I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me” stab you the heart. Imagine Lena being able to complete her plan and steal myriad without pretending to be Kara’s friend bc under the guise of crisis she could manipulate Kara into thinking they need whatever from the fortress for Crisis and instead actively choosing to get closer to Kara emotionally just to devastate her as much as Kara did her.

We get another confrontation between Alex and Kara where instead of Alex doing a character 180 and using the “sHe’S a LuThOR” excuse, it’s her just saying Lena is my friend too and I care about her but we don’t have time to try to save her, Kara. We have to stop her now so we can get back to Crisis. And Kara refusing to accept that, saying they have to try bc it’s Lena and she can’t lose Lena. She won’t lose Lena. Alex trying and failing to convince Kara they don’t have the time and asking Kara if she’s really willing to risk the fate of the multiverse on a friend. Kara saying she’s not a friend. She’s Lena. I would risk it all for Lena. And Alex being like wait that’s like super gay my dude but we’ll chat about that later. Okay you useless bi let’s go save your girlfriend.

Bonus:

We could have still gotten some spicy Andrea+Kara conflict along the way as Kara tries to balance reporting with dealing with Lena and Crisis while establishing Andrea’s character as CatCo and Obsidian CEO more

Getting only hints and foreshadowing of leviathan and William’s investigation of them for an epic and surprising reveal of Andrea’s involvement in 5B

James deciding that his best role for Crisis isn’t as Guardian but as a photographer capturing human/alien moments on film and documenting the beauty of life while he can because sometimes it’s not just about fighting tooth and nail to survive but about living while you can. Knowing that his photos can later deliver some hints of comfort of pre-Crisis life during post-Crisis grieving

Alex introducing Kelly to Eliza bc they might not get the chance later

Alien/challenge of the week sent by the Monitor to test certain aspects of Team Supergirl and give each character a moment of reflection and growth before Crisis begins

Idk maybe an actual freaking conversation between Kara and her mom for once that actually deals with the shit she went through