#losing it at 1am over this shit once again

[variantoutcast]

It's so frustrating that multiple of my majorly pressing physical issues in life no longer meet diagnostic criteria due to preventative drug use (thanks to years of trial and error and finally having one decent doctor) and lifestyle changes. Like yeah I have regained "use" of my right hand so long as I don't use it too much. This is not indicative of an underlying and disabling neuropathy or impingement of the nerve. Yes I can breathe and "only" break out in rashes when I'm overheated or touching something I shouldnt or angry due to being on 4 separate allergy medications, singulair, and having a rescue inhaler I take throughout the day. As opposed to all the time for no reason. This is not indicative of mast cell activation disorder. Yes I can fall asleep at a reasonable time if I drug myself hard enough and force myself out of bed the next day but this results in fatigue that only goes away when I get 10+ hours of sleep during or partially during the daytime. This is surely not indicative of a sleep cycle disorder.

[pigeonmilk-216]

House MD makes me absolutely FERAL.

For instance, I finished rewatching S3 E15, "Half-Wit", the one when House fakes cancer so he can get high (typical). And

AHHH

Everyone's response to House potentially dying is EVERYTHING. And displays both the characters and their character growth SO WELL.

Wilson, ofc, is offended that his best friend *cough* *lover* *cough* didn't say anything, and hid it. And something I think (and forgive me if this is not actually how it went down to everyone else, it's 1am and I have brainrot) is really interesting, is that beyond Wilson giving House shit for not saying anything, Wilson doesn't give any of the platitudes that everyone else gives. We don't see Wilson trying to "fix" anything or say, "House your dying, can we have an actual human connection for once?". No no, Wilson just lets him be.

Now, either Wilson is pissed and reeling from this news , and is just distancing himself (which tbh feels ooc, like House has crossed worse lines before, and Wilson deals with cancer everyday, idk).

OR you can look at the option of Wilson knows House well enough (and cancer, let's be real) that trying to fix it, won't change anything, that coming up to House and trying to "console" him won't do anything. House is House, and Wilson KNOWS THAT. Wilson knows that if House really and truly wants a conversation about it, or any comfort, House will just be like, " Yo, can we go get wasted?" and that's that.

AND THEN HIS FUCKING ANALYSIS AT THE END AND HIM FUCKING LAUGHING AT THE IRONY.

And Cuddy, I feel like, is the middle ground between how Wilson and the kids react. She doesn't go out of her way to say something, but in an almost hand-on-the- doorknob-as-I'm-leaving type way does she say something. AND THEN THEIR BANTER IN THE HALL IS FUCKING EVERYTHINGG. And her FUCKING smile as House grabs her ass (istg I can only say this in real action to this fucking show) but still dismissing him coming to the bedroom with her

Like both her and Wilson and obviously hurt, right, but they don't outright change their behavior toward House or anything, but they accept it (kind of) and don't go out of their way to change anything,

AND THEN THE KIDS' RESPONSES. ANHHH

I love Chase's moment. He's just like, "Dad, shut up and let me hug you" AND FUCKING STARTS CRYING

CHASE IS LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE WHO CRIES

He's like, "Goddammit, I'm going to lose two of my parentals to this cancerous bullshit. Tf."

AND HUGH LARUIE'S ACTING I CANT

YOU CAN SEE HOUSE REALIZING THAT, "oh shit, they really care and this is really going to hurt them" LIKE WHAT THE HELL. MY HEART, FUCK THIS SHOW WTH

And I love how Cameron is shown in this episode, over the first three seasons, we can see her kinda of coming to her own, and learning from House, so instead of like, backing down from helping House she just fucking kisses him so she can steal his blood. Like. YES CAMERON. GET IT.

AND AGAIN

HUGH LAURIE. YOU CAN SEE HOUSE'S HESITATION, WEIGHING THE PROS AND CONS BEFORE KSSING BACK.

And tbh I feel like House is low key proud of Cameron for a moment in a "she is taking after me" type way.

And Foreman trying not to care, but caring the whole time, and HIS FACE WHEN HES TELLING HOUSE HE DOESNT HAVE CANCER. LIKE. JXNKSCVJVXFBJKBFVSKJ

And I just love everyone's reaction five seconds later when they realize

"House is an addict. Right. Fucking this was a sham, fuck"

AND THEIR FACES ARE EVEYTHING

Cameron is crestfallen, outraged. Foreman is slightly pissed but completely nonplussed almost? Like a I should have expected this/this is such a House thing, which is why I dislike the man. And his sarcastic response is EVERYTHING And, Chase, oh Chase. He's so disbelieving and hurt. Like my baby I'm so sorry.

And House like really understanding how much this hurt them, and kinda of being a fucking TOTAL IDIOT and like slightly scared I feel but arrogant enough to just fucking like. Trying to blame so he doesn't feel guilty (he does) pushing them away so he doesn't have to face consequences (he's spiraling) and and after Wilson (finally) talks to him, having to stop and THINK about how fucking miserable is he really (he's such and idiot) and just AHHH

AND THEN HIM FUCKING GOING INTO THE RESTAURANT AT THE END?????? ITS A FUCKING CRIME THAT WE DON'T SEE THAT CONVERSATION BETWEEN HIM AND THEM. LIKE SIR, I WANT TO THIS POTENTIALLY EMOTIONALLY CHARGED MOMENT. LIKE

And honestly, Ilove how House interacts with the patient in the episode, it's on par with the boy who had autism earlier this season. Like the piano part is what really intrigues him, but still goes forth to give him his life back. Idk, just felt special.

Okay, um so thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. Idk what happened.

[hopelessdelusional]

.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

labyrinth

EDIT: i fucked up and forgot to add a pic and it won’t let me so. yeah. also i fixed the out of order mistake i’m so sorry😭

ONCE AGAIN THE OC JORDAN IS NOT MINE‼️‼️‼️ it’s the dearest @kotoprincesa !!

hey…life…am i right?

yeah hopefully you saw the post LMFAO ya boy has had a weird week

i’m sorry this is a short one but like i said shit is crazy

i rlly hope i’ll have time to write tomorrow 😭

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

AND SINCE THIS IS LATE IM GONNA FINALLY TELL U HOW EVERYONE GOT THEIR NICKNAMES FROM BKG MWAHAHA YES:

Sero-tape arms/soy sauce:

1. tape arms is from when it was their freshmen year of high school, and sero once got RLLY drunk at some senior’s party….anyways he got tied up by a bunch of girls. with tape. (yes he did cry as the gang ripped off the tape) fun fact!! Jordan was actually at that party (their cousin was the hostess) and was the one who told the bakusquad abt him getting taped up!

2. soy sauce is from the very first prank Kaminari did on the channel where he gave sero a glass of soy sauce but told him it was coke (sero didn’t speak to him for three days afterwards)

Mina-pinky/raccoon eyes:

pinky is like rlly obvious she has pink hair, BUT raccoon eyes is a much more funny story! you see, just like her lover; kirishima, she too had a sort of…alt-y phase. in her case, she experimented with black clothing but more importantly, black eyeshadow. like. a LOT. kirishima thought it was the CUTEST thing ever and was low key upset when she stopped doing it💀

Kirishima-weird hair/shitty hair/spiky:

he just had a rlly bad haircut when they came back to school for their sophomore year, it was legit like how teen guys had it in the early 2000s-gelled up into spikes 🫥

Kaminari-Sparky:

he tried rewiring their broken fan in college. got electrocuted. went to the hospital. yeah.

Hitoshi-eyebags:

he may not get sleep now, but it was RLLY bad their jr year of high school dear GOD. everyone would have to FIGHT him to get him to go to sleep, even putting that powder melatonin in his drinks 😭😭 (it was actually kats’ idea :(( such a sweetie)

Shoto-IcyHot:

shoto had this…phase…half way thru sophomore year of high school where he would over work himself with sports/work that he would literally put on icyhot every. single. day. (it drove EVERYONE crazy but no one dared to say anything)

Jirou-headphones:

ALL throughout high school jirou always had her headphones in. there wasn’t one time where she wasn’t listening to music and bkg being the old man he is thought it was “incredibly rude” and “disrespectful” (karma is a bitch tho bc after this HIS nickname was old man)

Momo-ponytail:

yeah the gang wasn’t kidding when momo went thru an INTENSE ponytail phase like she would gel it and everything😭😭😭the girls would be begging for momo just to keep it down or else she’ll keep getting called jojo siwa by the freshmen

Iida-four eyes/glasses:

….uh it’s kinda obvious LMFAO

Ochako-pink cheeks:

so bkg and ochako were actually #besties after they put their differences aside (after bkg apologized to izuku) and she would ALWAYS go to him and rant abt her crush on Iida. so, as “revenge” he would call her pink cheeks whenever she was talking to Iida. HOWEVER that so backfired on him bc the nickname made iida think bkg liked ochako (he also noticed their newest infatuation w/each other) and iida one day went to bkg to tell him HE liked ochako and was like “i see that you and ochako have made a new relationship, but i just need to tell you i have feelings for ochako.” anyways. bkg was going thru new anger management stuff and he had to take VERY deep breaths in order not to lose his shit LMFAO

Izuku-Nerd:

….do i really need to say anything? 🤨🤨

hope you enjoyed that! thank you for the wait i love u guys 🫶🫶🫶

.・。.・゜✭・.✫・゜・。.

fun facts! ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

- you know it’s bad when kats is up at 1AM

- ain’t i a genius for that thomas the train gossip account? huh? hm?

- Jordan keeps their man in CHECK (they love each other) and Sero is half scared, and the other half find it very sexy

- also when i wrote that part all i could think of is that one song “walk him like a dog sis” because toshi and Jordan got that covered

- do u like mina and kiri’s users😇😇 idk if i do but whatever

- that gc has…some stuff in it. mainly just all the things of bakugou’s the gang has taken, broken, or lost LMFAO

- toshi and kam are just so cute i’m throwing up sobbing rn

- kiri always scowls at “unnecessary” language but then cusses too… double standards (he has never once called out mina tho HA)

- i feel like i’ve said this before but i need to say it again; i just KNOW in my SOUL kiri uses the laughing emoji

- sero and kam are mina’s ultimate hype men

- kacchan and deku-bed friends forever!

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·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ updates every wednesday and sunday! happy wildest dreams wednesday ✧.*

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ TAGLIST IS OPEN just message or comment: @lovelytayy @0anodite0 @bakugouswh0r3 @amethyst123 @nijirosz @dabis-vigilnate-girl @allnamesredacted @ch3rryhaze @ectoplasmictoast @cathwritestragediesnotsins @tati-the-fangirl @autumnfay @call-me-prodigy @chuugarettes @sammyam @kotoprincesa @bubblewordsofsodapop @biggestbeequeen @tqnk @el-hart @i-simp-for-mha-men

[intertexts]

anyway nhw dynamic essay i am NOT going to fucking. type out all of this at once. it is 1am. but. yayyyayayay!!

>starting out w/ ashe & virion because i have been having Thoughts on them........... b4 the trickster they are already good friends-- it's a little awkward at first bc oh shit virion is really cool and kind of scary, i dunno if he likes me, i think he and william are a thing and i've been spending a lot of time with william lately. but that doesn't last long, maybe until the first time they're in some minor scuffle and imprint takes a hit for him. & ashe goes ohhh fuck. maybe he doesn't hate me? & then it turns out that virion is-- well, yeah, he is kind of quiet and intimidating (the horrors! the goofiness was closer to the surface before his family. well.) and hard to make laugh, but they're kind of similar. the quietness is frequently masking awkwardness or not knowing what to do or say in some situation, and they're both so clueless as to normal person stuff (wibby and dakota make some reference to public school shit & virion & ashe make 'do you believe this shit?' eye contact over their heads.) & they're both massive nerds. after all of the horrors, everything virion liked playing was covered in The Ooze, and also he was. living with a gun in his hand and sleeping for no more than two hours max at once with his eyes open and Killing People and doing dirty work for a year or so. grew up pretty fucking fast. didn't have much time for jrpgs anymore. anyway i think he eventually sees ashe on their couch playing pokemon or smth on his switch n just gravitates over. sits on the couch back and watches the animal crossing island ashe is running like the fucking navy or whatever. it becomes a thing. ashe gets him really into shin megami tensei (<- this one is just for me i just thing he'd like smt. relevant 2 mac's thoughts on ashe & horror etc!). they're the ones reluctantly tagging along with dakota & wibby's ridiculous shit & talking super quietly with their heads kinda close together. they'd be really good roommates.

after ashe returns from the trickster-- ok getting sidetracked thinking abt this LMAO. but. i think being muse for so long fucks ashe UP. it takes... a long time. the strain of being forced in his breaker form for as long as he was had consequences!! he did not come out of that as abled as he went in! & also the trickster turning his mind into soup for a year or so fucked with his head severely. get lobotomized idiot. and also. well. the everything else. anyway, i think for the first while when he comes back he dissociates a lot. loses significant amounts of time frequently. has derealization issues. has delusions related to the "hey that guy controlled my body for a year and change and before that he stalked me for god knows how long and always knew exactly where i was and i kept running into him" thing. panics frequently and messily. gets migraines. gets bad & debilitating flashbacks. is back to having 10 billion hangups about his powers. anyway anyway anyway virion.. understands, a lot of this. in a way that wibby & dakota don't. not that they haven't seen awful shit and had awful shit done to them!! but virion is the one who watched his entire family slaughtered in front of him. he's the one who's killed people. he knows what it's like to be okay and maybe happy and one day something fucking breaks, and you'll just. never be the same again. never get that back again, never be who u were before. (dakota was like, 7/8 when he triggered. virion was 15/16.) and he understands the grief & the paranoia & the brain static & the losing time & the fear. so virion gets it. ashe knows that virion is very very scary and very very alert and virion took a crowbar or something for him after knowing him for a couple weeks. so if, like, there's anyone to feel safe around... it's him. ashe's fine motor control is not so good for a while and he's terrified of using his telekinesis, so now it's virion playing animal crossing and ashe watching. he has a fucking awful island it's dogshit it's so funny. virion's good to fall asleep on. they hold hands if they have to go out somewhere. etc. shoutout 2 virion sol & all the emos he keeps picking up & wanting to kill people for. gayass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jaegonsmoon]

Low-key love the idea that pregnant luke has very weird cravings 😂 esp at night time and has to wake aemond up to get them and aemond is so whipped that of course he does lol

I love weird cravings shit! Especially because I get them all the time (not preggers just bad hormonal imbalance dodkdkdj)

It’s my favourite part to write in pregnancies.

Luke absolutely has a meltdown if he doesn’t get something he craves, fully crying and wheezing and he can’t stop and he cries harder because omg he can’t stop crying and it’s so fucking silly and he doesn’t mean it but he really wanted that strawberry and peanut butter with sour gummy worms ice cream so badly and the ice cream parlour is closed. Aemond is losing his mind over it.

Once Luke has calmed down (he just fell asleep tbh) He drives across the city, everything is closed, of course, it’s New Years Day. The only thing he finds two hours later is a gas station and the only solution he can come up with is trying to gather all the ingredients and make it work. So he finds some strawberry ice cream and the sour gummy worms and they do have a few jars of peanut butter at home (Luke’s obsessed with it) he drives home, and there he is, mixing weird shit at 1AM because his pregnant nephew-boyfriend-husband has him in a chokehold. He wakes Luke gently and explains what he did and Luke is once again crying, but it’s softly, because oh my god he loves him so much and he went through all this trouble. He eats the thing happily.

Mind you, this has happened at least ten times already.

[courfeyracs-swordcane]

💌 :3

OH, YOU WANNA DO THIS? WE CAN FUCKIN DO THIS!!!!! Do not make three mouth at me we can fuckin do this

I am once again saying that Tumblr Mutual is an incredibly funny way to refer to you, my boyfriend from real life, but let’s GO. (Also note from the future it’s 1am and I did 100% kind of lose coherence halfway through this. However,)

Right off the bat. INCREDIBLY cool I’ve been saying this for years now and if you poke me when I finished typing this I can pull up receipts. Top ten Coolest Guys I’ve Ever Met in the most stereotypical definition of that word possible. Yk. The vibes are off the charts

We’ve covered how you’re gorgeous but I’ll do it again now that I don’t have to hold back: god FUCKING damn. god FUCKING DAMN!!!!! and also your VOICE what the FUCK you sing so goddamn well and I’m really really normal about it?? ALSO AGAIN. INCREDIBLY FUN TO DO MAKEUP ON EVEN FOR NON GAY REASONS. also the SKIPPING and the swinging my hand at knotts you’re literally adorable Jesus Christ

also I love the way you care about people— the way you remember things they say and like and are and bring them back up?? I just think that’s very cool (top ten things I can’t remember if I ever wound up saying but have been thinking since you started sending Cy zine apps)(also you held my hand and pointed out all the scare actors and I love you for that)

ALSO. ONE LINERS GUY. POETRY GUY. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. you’re so goddamn good with words I don’t think I’ll ever be over it!!! (also. Definitely never gonna be over hearing you read them. Agh.)

Also. Relatedly. you’re fucking hilarious. All the time. I laugh so much around you.

Good taste in music. Good taste in media. Good taste in vibes and aesthetics. Good taste in blorbos both store bought and homemade. Incredibly chewy takes on all the above. Incredibly fun to talk to about all of them. 10/10

INCREDIBLE hugs also and very very comfortable to put my head on and also YOU CAN PICK ME UP WHAT THE HELL. WHAT THE HELL. what the hell. That’s my job!!! Also you’re WARM?

Also this is not so much a you problem but you have really cool coworkers 10/10

We are setting aside all of the synesthesia shit you do to my brain until it’s not 1am and I can describe it better but you’re so down there you’re so in the dark and in the blue and in the red swirly and there’s the big light coming down and clouds around the moon and maybe a beast that’s too big to even see. TLDR. The Big Deep Dazzling Dark. that’s you. Honorific.

Top ten guys to hang out with ever also if you haven’t gotten that from the. Everything. Where’s the quote about knowing you can get along with someone if you can sit comfortably in silence for half an hour. that’s you. Also very easy to trust which I don’t know how to elaborate on but like!! Top ten guys who are safe to show things to and enjoy things with!

TOP TEN NICKNAMES GUYS ALSO. NEVER GONNA BE OVER THOSE EITHER.

There’s no way to phrase it without sounding insane but the way you?? move through the world??? is really really cool to me you’re just out there!!! You just come across as knowing yourself really well? Unsure how to explain it

ALSO. PREPARED FOR LITERALLY ANYTHING AT ALL TIMES. JESUS CHRIST. you have everything anybody could possibly need ready to pull out at a moment’s notice that was incredibly impressive. relatedly. the way you have recommendations for literally everything at all times?? Holy shit??? Also incredibly impressive!!! Goddamn!!

Also you can talk about things really well which is both impressive and also just always really cool to listen to! Good takes and effectively phrased and it’s just genuinely interesting no matter what it is 10/10 could listen to it forever

Also good driver holy fuck oooh baby when that LA traffic,

Also it’s funny when you bitch at all the surrounding cars 10/10

Also once again. HOT. also once again YOU SHOWED ME YOUR HOMETOWN 😭. also once again some of the most fun I’ve had in the last Ever this weekend we’re so out there we’re so fine we’re so back. Also once again WARM and COMFORTABLE and INCREDIBLY FUN AND FUNNY TO WATCH THINGS WITH I love the way you make your gay little comments and I love your gay little earrings and the things you do to my vocabulary and I love watching you dissect things and your reaction images compilation and your emojis aslo and I love the guy I am around you and I love how you talk about things and the way you write and the way you know me better than I ever could have expected and the way you act and behave and Are and the way you scheme for people I don’t think we even got into the absolutely off the charts generosity and I love your taste in everything and I love making blorbos and stories with you and it looks like you can cook really well and I love how you’re so easy to be comfortable with and I love how you’re so myths and stories and fairytales and I love how you can talk so well and I love how you’re so wetboy and so fishes and so water and so moon and I love how you think of me like the sun and I love being red and blue and I love how you can commit to the bit and to the aesthetic and I love you and you smell good also and there’s definitely more but it’s almost 2am now and I’m losing words so I’ll come back to this in the morning bc I’m definitely forgetting things and they’re Important

Tldr. Holy fuck.

[beauty-and-passion]

Beau! Hello! How are you doing?

Hi! :D It's so nice to see you again! I really missed our conversations, can't wait for more of them to come soon! <3

This summer has been pretty busy for me. I studied almost every day - but it's summer, it's hot and my will to study was below zero, so I skipped a few days here and there, did other things, studied in the morning only and so on. Still no idea about the results, but when I get them, I will let you know :)

In the meantime, I still enjoyed my time by doing other stuff, like:

Cleaning

I love organizing things and since I finally had some time, I took the chance to:

Write a full inventory of the garage/storeroom where my family has been accumulating stuff for years

Buy a couple new storage racks for my apartment and move some furniture around. Still not over, but it's an improvement

Also, since my mother finally realized that yes, we have a lot of stuff indeed and we can rid of some of it, we went on a cleaning spree and cleaned:

The woodshed which had everything inside except for wood. There was even a sewing table!

The front garden of my house and that meant removing a shit ton of plants because my mother decided it was a great idea to plant them all together. She literally put two palm trees inside the vineyard. Those have been hard to tear down, but when me and my brother finally did it, the satisfaction was immense

We still have to move some stuff and properly clean the storeroom, but we have to wait for my uncle first: once he takes some furniture away, we will be free to keep going.

Keeping healthy

Since I went to the gastroenterologist and he told me to change my diet, I lost 7kg immediately and I feel WAY better. But it's still not enough: I plan to lose 7 more kilos, just to be in perfect health and to keep being healthy, even if I gain a couple kilos back in the future.

In order to do that, I kept (and try to keep) a schedule made of:

walking at least 6000 steps every day

spending at least one hour doing exercises and yoga 5 days a week

following the healthier diet suggested by the doctor, which is made of fresh fish and meat, fresh vegetables, almost no bread, gluten-free pasta, rice, couscous, no milk and no processed products. It was hard the first few days, now I feel bad when I don't follow this plan. I don't miss junk food and I still allow myself a treat once in a while. Also, since I am lazy, I cook once a day and double the amount, so I can eat for dinner and have a meal ready for the next day's lunch. This way, I'm always covered and I don't feel like resorting to junk/fast food (I also got rid of everything unhealthy, so it would be impossible anyway).

trying to get a better sleeping schedule: my alarm clock is set at 7:50 every day except for the weekends and I allow myself to get a 1-hour-long nap in the early afternoon. I also try to go to sleep around midnight, but still end up sleeping at 1am, so there's still room for improvement.

Writing

Studying was hard, but writing has always been great. And when I can have a schedule, it's even better :D

I started with two hours, every day. Right after dinner, when my mind was still fresh - and the weather gets cooler too. Then, around 10pm, I move on the couch and watch a few YouTube videos, before going to bed.

Some days, I didn't want to write a single line and had to force myself to write at least for one hour. But there were also days in which I wrote one or two hours more than planned. And now, I can write a few hours in the morning too and that means double productivity! :D Also, after sitting for so long in front of a screen, the exercise session in the late afternoon is even more enjoyable.

Small trips

I couldn't allow myself to take a longer breaks this summer. And that means I won't be able to visit Greece, so I took small trips to my uncle's farm and 1-day long trips to a few places.

In July, I visited Gaeta and Sperlonga (Italy). Those are two beautiful towns between Rome and Naples, with wonderful clean sea and beautiful sights. Sperlonga was especially cute, because the oldest part of the city is on a hill, so there are a ton of narrow streets, white-painted walls, corners decorated with seashells and painted tiles, tiny stairs and little plazas. It was nice.

In August, I visited Rovinj (Croatia): that's another little town, with a wonderful green sea. While we were there, we took a boat trip and visited the nearby fjord and wow, it was just like a postcard from a Norwegian fjord. And the trip was very enjoyable too: the boat owner offered us drinks and gave us interesting insights about what we were seeing.

I have two more trips planned for the next week: a water park tomorrow and a small cruise trip next week. Then, nothing else for now. Maybe will do something for Christmas and even New Year, but we'll see what offers we can find.

What about you?

What did you do these months? How did you spend your summer? How are you spending these last few days of August? And do you like to sleep as much as my cats like it?

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

Accidentally took my adderall twice so now its 1am academic dread hours.

I regret auditioning with a big ballad to some extent. Under regular circumstances it was a good song that covered most of my range and demonstrated all my strengths well but with the specific teacher (well 2 but one is semi retired now) at school i work with it has me incredibly pigeon holed.

Working with J again has really showcased the nagging things I couldn't articulate. It made me realize that i was really losing all the personality from my voice.

There's this very specific way A teaches that is singular to the stereotypical way people expect to hear opera music. If you've heard someone say they're classically trained and they sound the same singing any other genre, they've probably learned in this way. I'm realizing this is what was really bothering me about the way I was sounding in some of my solos at the end of the year. My voice was starting to become homogeneous with these two teachers, and it was turning me off from exploring more classical songs

But for uni auditions I have to have classical répertoire so I'm seeing J this summer.

And yeah, I brought O Mio to him and he made some points this week and it was illustrative of the difference from this classically educated vocalist to A who is a classically trained instrumentalist and self taught vocalist. First I am a mezzo not contralto. i can sing contralto bc my full range covers it and my voice is the right color, but my passagio mezzo (could be soprano with a little work but my color doesn't really support that).

But J described O Mio as like melodramatic teen, with a side of like the way the father is veiwing her as both his little girl and an autonomous adult. A described it as this serious moment of female pain and power and how sad it it is etc.

Then J told me that the Moment is really the final A5, and then the last note, I could hold the first A5 for the drama but really the other 3 should just be movement, there's nothing added emotionally in making every A5 a dramatic moment and it takes away the punch of the ending. He also told me all those notes have movement so I need to slide into the next note not just hold them and then vibrato out or the preformance starts to feel disconnected. the piece is also played like 5bpm faster than the accompaniment I have.

A gave me the accompaniment (I suspect he may have slowed it down). He had me hold every high A and I had to maintain that high A until i couldn't and then vibrato out. 4 A5s (and one lower note i forget rn bc its not the tip top of my range) with 15-20sec holds.

in the end J had me sing it like I would 'any other song' and it was way more comfortable, it sounded way more connected, it was easier to breathe and acess the high notes. The difference was the shape of my mouth was less severe, my tongue was less rigid, there was less tension in my body and jaw bc I wasnt maintaining the 'classical method". Yet it still sounded operatic.

in the end J told me proper technique shouldn't make a voice homogenous across genres. Technique translates regardless.

Ouside of that tho, back on the ballad thing. I feel like I'm going to have to have acome to jesus with A bc I am so sick of them. And genuinely he went on and on about my 2nd semester pieces being below me just because they didn't push my range, both those songs had challenges to them he could have instructed me on but instead he just acted like a baby bc I didn't do some Strisand shit (literally he suggested Strisand lmao).

The qualifier for dificulty shouldn't be pushing the edge of my range and limits of my lung capacity. I can belt safely and well, I can hold for 30+seconds and on a good day I can hit a C6. That doesn't mean that a song is only difficult if I'm belting notes over G5 and honestly soprano is not a range I enjoy hearing my voice in that range.

Vocal dysphoria means once I hit c5 everything starts to sound nasal and out of tune to me, aside from hating the sound I can't monitor myself to practice, I have to rely on other people to tell me I'm in tune and then memorize the physical feeling of all the little adjustments in my larnyx as I move through those notes.

I mean I guess it's definitely a difficulty level, but I feel like I should be graded singing in hard mode not nightmare.

[prismatoxic]

fucked up so hard in a social setting today that i had to straight up leave the entire internet to try and deal with the ensuing panic. set do not disturb on both discord and phone before watching devot play through the otacon intro/gray fox fight in mgs1 again.

and i'm still panicking. bc it did not blow over, which... i didn't think it would but i guess i was hoping maybe i was too out of it in panic to correctly assess the situation. no, i got it mostly right... no one seems mad at me specifically because i wasn't the only one involved, but they are mad. and i am having real trouble figuring out what is a likely outcome of this versus what my terrified brain thinks makes sense as an outcome.

i apologized to the best of my ability once i came back and tried to explain my avoidant actions immediately following the encounter. no one's responded yet but it is 1am here.

i have a really fucking long history of messing up socially and then having a bunch of cascading results occur that involve things like being mocked for my attempt at an apology, losing friends, losing my place on a team, staining my reputation within a community, etc etc etc. regardless of whether that was all deserved every single time, i am the sort of person who assumes blame as it is, and because of these past events i then react wildly disproportionately to feeling like i did something wrong.

and the RSD is there too. that's not helping.

as you can imagine all of this makes taking accountability for my mistakes very hard! i am very clearly panicking and presumably feel shame and/or guilt, sure, but people in the past have assumed all of this was like... for my own benefit? like i was being attention-seeking or trying to incite pity. so add that to the pile of past experiences fucking up my ability to be normal about this sort of situation. i feel like if i am too publicly upset that i'm giving off the idea that i'm more worried about myself than the person or people i slighted. which simply isn't true--i am so upset BECAUSE i slighted someone. because i've potentially ruined a relationship of some kind. yes i am terrified of the consequences but everything ties back into remorse. i'm not capitalizing on a bad situation to try and make people feel sorry for me. i am genuinely just having a panic attack.

i'm well aware that the situation isn't about me once i've hurt someone but that genuinely does not make the panic stop. and you'd be surprised how hard it is to calm down from that sort of thing when you feel like at any moment, everything is going to fall down around your ears in response. i got pinged twice to the associated server immediately following the event, both times general or admin pings that had nothing to do with the situation, and both times my panic spiked so sharply that it made me concerned for my health.

none of this is normal or productive and i am well aware and i will... probably call my therapist back on monday to schedule an appointment bc holy shit, lmao. this sucked, not just for me but for the situation as a whole, which i should have handled with more grace.

i am still waiting for more consequences. like getting booted from the admin team or being blocked by the other admin i upset or, idk, something unforeseen but equally terrible. idk how likely any of that is. idk what's a normal response to this situation. my brain won't let me conceive of anything logical while i'm like this.

and like, my trauma is not the responsibility of the person i hurt. so in my apology i did not bring any of it up bc it's irrelevant. i tried to apologize as sincerely as i could while also avoiding trying to make excuses. i don't know if it's going to matter. i cannot fathom a world in which it's good enough.

how do you ask for reassurance in a situation where you're the one at fault, anyway? do you even deserve it at that point? i promise i wasn't being malicious. i thought i remembered something and made the wrong call on whether or not to bring it up, and then didn't nip the ensuing conversation in the bud when it immediately went off the rails. which i should have done bc i'm a server admin. i should have recognized the fucked up nature of the topic at hand before someone pointed it out to me. but i genuinely was not trying to be malicious. does that count for something?

this isn't the first time i've made mistakes in this server. it's at least the third time, but i think there might have been at least one more instance. i have been trying to be useful lately but i never feel like i'm pulling my own weight and if they decided to ax me from the team i'd get it. it would suck and my RSD would absolutely flay me alive over it but i would get it.

i don't know. i don't know how to emotionally handle this sort of situation and that impacts my ability to handle it at all. i'm not fit to be an admin of anything. i'm not fit to have power over anybody.

i'm going to get some food and try to draw or something.

[moonrock]

my gradma invited us for a dinner tomorrow and i don't know what to do </3 because i really don't want to go but it's her birthday and i haven't seen her/called her for weeks.....

[discreetmusic]

maybe this is bad but i cant wait for the world to go back to normal so that i can “safely” indulge in stupid reckless self destructive things

[harlowsbby]

Don’t hurt yourself.

You knew Jack was lying to you it seemed like all he did lately was lie through his pearly white teeth.

You sat on your couch a glass of wine in your hand as you twirled it around thinking about Jack and all his little white lies and how he’s really just playing himself.

I fucked with you till I realized I’m just too much for you.

It was around 1am when Jack once again stumbled through the door you could smell the scent cheap chanel on him and his pants well were lower than they needed to be.

Who the fuck do you think i is I smell that fragrance on Louis knit boy.

You watched as he jumped up slightly when you turned on the light his eye winded he didn’t except for you to be up right now because well every time he comes back home you’re always sleeping

When you play me you play yourself when you love me you love yourself.

“Baby girl ? What are you doing up so late it’s what.. uh what time is it baby.” Jack said as he squinted his eyes slightly looking at the clock on the wall.

“It’s 1am Jack.. where were you at tonight and don’t say the studio because I called Neelam and she said you guys got done at the studio at 5 so where could you possibly been ?” You asked him as you clocked your head to the side he licked his pink lips looking everywhere but at you.

“I went out with Urban and Ace for a bit ma you know we always hangout after the studio ma come on let’s just go upstairs.” Jack told you he walked over to you and grabbed onto your hand but you jerked it back he bit his lip he knew he was in shit now.

Tonight I’m fucking up all your shit boy.

“I don’t think you get it Jack why do you keep lying to me you act like I don’t know you haven’t been cheating on me. I smell her cheap ass perfume on you and you think I really don’t notice the marks on your chest you must really think I’m fucking dumb.” You hold him chuckling as you took a sip of your wine.

If you try to cheat again you gon lose your wife.

“I’m sorry Y/N please she doesn’t mean anything to me I fucking promise you that.” Jack begged his baby blue eyes looking directly into yours.

“What do you want me to say Jack you want me to just forgive you for cheating on me with some random bitch ? If she didn’t mean shit to you then you wouldn’t have ever fucking cheated on me.” You spat at him as you got up walking past him towards your shared bedroom where Jack quickly followed behind you.

“It was a one night stand Y/N that turned into about 3 more one night stands please im done with her baby girl she doesn’t mean shit please I can’t lose you.” Jack begged and pleaded as he watched you get on your knees in your shared closet and throwing random things in your duffel bag and suitcase.

This is your final warning.

“Oh because that really fucking helps Jack do you even fucking hear yourself right now !?! Just leave me the fuck alone.” You yelled at Jack as you grabbed one of your heels and throwing it at Jack he quickly dogged it with ease looking at you with wide eyes.

“Are you fucking crazy right now ?! You almost hit me with your heel.” Jack said as you came to grab you up you had enough you started throwing your arms at him you smacked his chest and your nails scratched his face a few times but he stood there taking it all because he knew he deserved it.

We just gotta let it be let it be baby.

Eventually you gave up and collapsed on the floor tears and sobs the only thing being heard.

“I’m staying with Neelam for a bit I don’t want to be with you right now.” You mumbled to him as he nodded his head he put his hand down for you to grab on you hesitated at first but took it as he helped you stand up.

He watched as you got your bags and your keys walking past him without even a word spoken. Once in your car you cried it’s all you could do you were far from being pissed anymore you were upset and disappointed somehow feeling like it was your fault.

I’m just to much for you.

You were gonna show Jack and make Jack work for your trust again you weren’t going to forgive him like that.

@harlowsconfetti

( not edited also tell me what y’all think. )

[splartney]

mitski songs and their relation to evangelion…

this is all just my opinion and how i interpret these songs and characters so don’t take it too seriously

also i’m making this at like 1am so there are probably a lot of mistakes

A Pearl. “You love me so hard and I still can’t sleep.” Shinji not being able to accept Kaworu’s love since he’s never been truly loved before. “And all the things I don’t talk about.” Shinji never really opened up to Kaworu. He wasn’t used to being able to talk about his feelings (his dad constantly shut him down) and Kaworu died too soon for Shinji to be comfortable with sharing things. “Sorry I don’t want your touch, it’s not that I don’t want you.” Shinji constantly deflected any attempt Kaworu made at getting close to him. Once again, this is a result of love being completely foreign to him. Shinji wants love, he just isn’t used to it and doesn’t know how to accept it. Especially because Kaworu is a guy. “There’s a hole that you fill.” For the short time that Kaworu was alive, especially in the rebuilds, he obviously made Shinji feel less alone because he had someone he could talk to. He couldn’t talk to Rei because she was like a robot, he couldn’t talk to Asuka because she would ridicule him, and he couldn’t talk to Misato or any other adults.

I Will. I think this song is how Kaworu feels about Shinji. He just wants to be there for him and show him that he’s allowed to be vulnerable. However, Kaworu doesn’t realize that he deserves love in return. He’s always giving and giving without realizing the effect it’s having on him. He thinks he can feel complete just by giving, but that’s not true. At least he died too soon for their relationship to go to shit!

Brand New City. “I think my life is losing momentum, I think my ways are wearing me down.” Asuka realizing that her life only amounts to being an eva pilot and all of the pressure to succeed and be perfect in the eyes of everyone around her has a detrimental effect. “But if I gave up on being pretty I wouldn’t know how to be alive.” If Asuka can’t be a proper eva pilot, then in her eyes she is useless. That's why she runs away in episode 23 after she loses her sync with her eva unit.

Crack Baby. Kawoshin again!! “...You don’t know what you want, but you know that you had it once and you know that you want it bad.” These lyrics remind me of the scene in the rebuilds when we see Kaworu holding Shinji as a baby, showing that no matter what they will meet and be connected in every reality whether it’s romantic or not.

Abbey. “I am something. I have been something. I was born something. What could I be?” This reminds me of Rei questioning herself due to the fact that she’s basically a distant clone of Yui, but she doesn’t know exactly what she is. She doesn’t even know if she’s a human. This is why she’s so adamant in telling Asuka that she’s not a doll.

Love Me More. THIS SONG IS SO KAWOSHIN THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. Alright. Anyways. “If I keep myself at home I won’t make the same mistake that I made for 15 years.” HEDGEHOG'S DILEMMA BABEE okok these lyrics make me think of how Shinji is afraid of getting close to others for fear of getting hurt or hurting them. BUT!! THE REASON WHY IT’S A DILEMME IS BECAUSE PEOPLE NEED AND WANT TO BE CLOSE TO OTHER PEOPLE!!! IT’S LIKE INSTINCT. Okay more lyrics. “I need you to love me more… love enough to fill me up.” Shinji once again needing the love and validation that he never got but also doesn’t want from a guy because he's a picky mf. “How do other people live? I wonder how they keep it up. When today is finally done, there’s another day to come.” Shinji not being able to live a normal life and basically just repeated the same things over and over again as an eva pilot. Also this reminds me of those scenes in the rebuilds when Shinji sees Kensuke and Toji grown up and being able to live their lives as normal people (aka the only scene that ever made me cry in all of evangelion) NEXT SONG!

Strawberry Blond. I’d like to preface this with the fact that I know the original meaning and intention of this song and I’m in no way trying to ignore or erase that, this is just another way that I’ve interpreted it. This song reminds me of Rei and Asuka. Asuka hates Rei because Rei mimics the perfect, silent, and obedient, doll that Asuka’s mother chose over her. Although Asuka hates her, she also wants to be her. This is because of the constant validation that Rei receives from Gendo. This also doubles as the male validation that Asuka never received since her father was never present in her life.

Nobody. “And I don’t want your pity, I just want somebody near me. Guess I’m a coward. I just wanna feel alright.” ASUKA!!! These lyrics remind me of asuka because she’s shown multiple times that she doesn’t want to accept help (pity) and she just wants to be able to do everything herself so she can prove that she’s “grown up” and can do things without other people. She wants to show that she’s okay with doing things alone because she’s been alone throughout her entire life. “I just need someone to kiss. Give me one good honest kiss and I’ll be alright.” …Once again Asuka craving validation (specifically male validation #lesbian) because she was bascially rejected by her father since he was never there and she was obviously rejected by Kaji because she’s 14, so she tried to kiss Shinji because she needs some kind of validation okay! And guess what, she doesn’t enjoy the kiss because she realizes that Shinji can’t give her what she needs. (also he’s a guy so L bozo ratio)

A Burning Hill. I’m like 90% sure that all of the people reading this were waiting for this song to be mentioned because I’ve seen SO MANY EVANGELION EDITS WITH IT. But I digress. “Today I will wear my white button-down.” Shinji once again just living the same life as he always does, working at Nerv. “I think I’m finally worn. For you have a way of promising things, and I’ve been a forest fire. …And I am the fire and I am the Forest and I am the witness watching it.” Misato constantly “promising” that things will be okay and that Shinji is doing the right thing in order to keep him working at Nerv after he ran away like 50 times. For the forest fire lyrics, Shinji has “been a forest fire” by actively working at Nerv. He IS the “forest fire” by piloting an eva. And finally he is the “witness watching it” by never making his own decisions and relying on the judgment of others.

Fireworks. This one I can’t say much about because I understand Ritusko’s character significantly less than the other characters, but this song reminds me of her.

I Bet on Losing Dogs. This song reminds me of Misato because she’s constantly “betting” on Shinji to do well as an eva pilot and that’s why she tries so hard to get him back when he runs away. In this song, Mitski “bets on losing dogs” because she has been in that “losing” position before and she knows what it’s like. I think that’s how Misato is with Shinji because she says even in the first episode that they’re similar. I’ve noticed that these have been getting progressively worse in quality as it gets later and later but you’re gonna have to deal with it if you’re one of the select few who decided to read this.

Last Words of a Shooting Star. THIS ONE IS ABOUT GOODNIGHT PUNPUN NOT EVANGELION SORRY anyways spoilers for goodnight punpun below!!! Alright >:) “And I am relieved that I’d left my room tidy. They’ll think of me kindly when they come for my things.” Aiko knew that she wouldn’t be returning home when she left with Punpun after killing her mother. “They’ll never know how I’d stared at the dark in that room, with no thoughts, like a blood sniffing shark.” These lyrics remind me of how spaced out Aiko looked when Punpun began being abusive towards her. “And while my dreams made music in the night, carefully, I was going to live.” Aiko and Punpun often talked about impossible dreams that they had for their future together. “You wouldn’t leave ‘til we loved in the morning.” Punpun was very forceful to Aiko about sexual things. “You’d learned from movies how love ought to be.” Punpun grew up watching and reading porn and thought that that was a proper way to love someone. This was reinforced by the fact that his parents never loved each other and made that fact very obvious, so Punpun never had a healthy example of what love is supposed to be like. “And you’d say you love me and look in my eyes, but I know, through mine you were looking in yours.” I don’t think Punpun ever really loved Aiko. He only wanted her for his own selfish desires. “I always wanted to die clean and pretty but I’d be too busy on working days.” Aiko was shown going to work while bandaged up from her mother abusing her.

Class of 2013. OKAY BACK TO EVANGELION WOOOO I don’t think I really have to explain why this song is just so Asuka………….

Real Men. “Though honestly sir, all I wanna do is get naked in front of you so you can look me up and down and tell me ‘Well done girl, you’re looking good.’” Asuka wanting male validation again!!! Idc if u think she’s a lesbian bc she craves male validation either way.

i wrote this all in one night a few months ago and i haven’t touched it since but i will be adding to it soon

[malleux]

spell [2]. | corpse husband

part one ; part three

-> Pairing: Corpse Husband x Fem!Reader

-> Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst

-> Warnings: Hate Comments, Self Doubt, Anxiety, Cursing

-> A/N: thank you for 1k notes on part one! i’m so glad everyone likes my work. it’s really nice getting this much love after taking a hiatus on my fire emblem writing blog. i hope y’all enjoy it and stay on the lookout for part three!

corpse husband taglist is closed!

Two weeks.

It’s been two weeks since you joined Sean’s Among Us stream.

While that was your first public appearance, you had joined three others after that and already you were blowing up on almost every social media platform you had. The attention was kind of nice, you had to admit, but sometimes the anxiety of becoming a public figure weighed heavily on your shoulders.

During that time, you turned to your friends who were used to such scrutiny: Sean, Felix, and now Corpse, who you’ve been talking to every day for those two weeks.

It was another one of those nights where, at 1am, you were on Facetime with said man. His screen was dark, as usual. He hadn’t shown his face yet and you respected that. You didn’t need to see him to talk to him, or be his friend, or develop a slight crush on him. All of which you did.

The call was relatively silent on your end. Corpse was on Facetime with you, yes, but he was also on a call in Discord, once again playing Among Us.

You often wondered if playing that game was all your new friends did anymore.

You stayed quiet, letting Corpse play the game and avoiding his fans finding out about your call. You had college work to finish anyways, so the silence was rather helpful.

“We should ask Y/N if she wants to play. I wanna meet her.” Sykkuno’s voice rang out from the Discord call. He was right- you’d never met him. He and Corpse seemed extremely close, though, so you’d love to talk to him. A friend of your crush friend was a friend of yours.

“She’s busy tonight.” Corpse responded.

“Yeah, she’s got an exam coming up- wait, how do you know?” Sean joined in, questioning Corpse.

“Uh, I mean we’re on Facetime right now, I guess.” Your heart sped up- now his fans knew. “She’s studying. We’re just hanging out.”

“Didn’t you guys ‘hang out’ last night as well? It seems like you’re trying to take my best friend away from me.” Sean joked back.

“I mean, I definitely am.”

Your breath caught in your throat. What was that supposed to mean? Sean was obviously kidding, but the tone in Corpse’s voice wasn’t the one he used when he was joking as well.

Felix suddenly butted in. “Ooooh, I think Corpse-y has a little crush.”

“And if I do?”

Y/N.exe has stopped working.

꧁꧂

Three weeks, now, that you’ve been talking to Corpse daily.

One week since Corpse’s crush comment and one week that you’ve endured countless mentions and tags on Instagram and Twitter, constantly talking about #CorpseY/N.

You didn’t really mind the shipping, often losing yourself in daydreams about driving those two hours down from your apartment in Los Angeles down to San Diego and running into his arms. It didn’t help when he mentioned wanting you to come visit one day.

You just worried about how Corpse felt about them. He was still relatively new to blowing up on the internet as well, his fame suddenly skyrocketing in the past few months, so you weren’t sure if he was comfortable with them. You didn’t want to bring it up, either, fearing that the discussion would make things awkward between the two of you.

For now, you were rather content with just scrolling through the #CorpseY/N hashtag, looking at the pictures and nice things people had to say about you both.

“they’re so cute when they talk to each other, you can just tell Corpse meant it when he said he was trying to steal Y/N away.”

“#CorpseY/N is my new favorite thing. Everyone shut up this is all I’ll be talking about from now on.”

“God why can’t they just be together already? #CorpseY/N”

Everyone was so supportive and sweet, it almost made you feel like you already were Corpse’s girlfriend. Although your heart hurt when you were brought back to reality, you couldn’t help but love the comments that everyone left. They were amazing.

Until they weren’t.

There are always two sides of the same coin. Along from the supporters and their loving actions, there were also those who seethed at the idea of you and Corpse.

They scrutinized everything about you to the point that you made your Instagram account- already with 30k followers- private.

Haters talked about you. Your body, your personality, how you weren’t worthy to even talk to Corpse and the rest of the Youtubers, and so much more. You’ve spent many nights with your Facetime mic muted so that Corpse couldn’t hear the small sobs coming from you.

These thoughts were almost always on the back of your mind, but you were sometimes able to push them away.

Like now- as you focused on your exam. Well, tried to focus. There comes to be a time where one can only hear so many negative things about themselves before they can’t ignore it anymore.

But alas, you tried your hardest and finished your exam, before walking out of the room and pulling out your phone. Now, you had a break before your new classes started and you’ve never been more relieved. You pulled up a certain contact and clicked on the message icon, beginning to type.

you:

i’m finished! up next, a break.

corpse:

I hope you did well. How long is your break?

you:

two weeks!

corpse:

Come spend it in San Diego

You stopped in your tracks, taken aback by the offer. You really didn’t think that he’d invite you over, but you weren’t about to complain. Instead, you sent back an ‘I’ll pack tonight :)’ and rushed home to do just that.

Corpse called you as you packed, just like he calls every night. You were used to the routine now, often falling asleep around 3am as he stays on the phone, doing whatever he does with his ruined sleep schedule until you wake up and say good morning.

Tonight, however, you were too jittery to sleep. You stayed up all night with Corpse, talking about anything and everything, like usual.

What wasn’t usual, though, was how distracted he sounded. It made you nervous- was he having second thoughts about inviting you over? Was something wrong?

Your thoughts nearly overwhelmed you, forcing you to say something.

“Are you okay, Corpse?” You tried to hide the small shake in your voice.

“Hm? Uh, yeah, yeah, everything’s good. Why?”

“It doesn’t sound like it. What’s going on? You’re acting off.”

His side of the phone was silent for a moment, before he let out a sigh. “I’m just thinking about what I’ve got to do before you get here tomorrow. Like, cleaning and stuff.”

“Pshh, that doesn’t matter to me.” You waved your hand, even though he couldn’t see it in the darkness of your room.

“It’s just that, my apartment isn’t… the best. It’s small and there’s only one bedroom and it’s kind of shitty. I just don’t want it to be even more shitty.”

“Corpse, I’m coming there to spend time with you, not your apartment. I don’t care what any of that shit looks like. I’m going to be looking at you and hanging out with you. Not your apartment.” You didn’t mean to go on a tangent of reassurance, but you truly meant all of your words. “Hell, I might not even see the apartment because I already know I won’t be able to look away from you.”

“I- God, give me a minute. That took me off guard.” He laughed. “But thank you. I may not even be able to clean because I’ll be distracted too.”

“By what?”

“You, standing in front of me, in person.” You could hear the smile in his voice. “That’s a fucking dream come true.”

┎┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┒

taglist: @namjoons-crabssss @lookingforaplacetosleep @teenloves @princess00wifi @pillowjj @nvm-idgaf @creativedogs @wildflowerwhore @chillininahottub-withaghost @whyisquill @holosexualunicorn7000 @ourheavenlyemotions

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[dynamitedragon]

It’s almost 1AM but I have an overwhelming urge to write a little tuckington something so here goes. (Sorry Tucker doesn’t have dreads, I just know how to cut curly hair better)

Tucker hissed as his hair fell in his face again, blocking his view of the game board for the fifth time that hour. His hair was seriously getting so long it was messing with his day to day life and was just generally out of hand. It was annoying enough that it definitely had to be thread on he was currently losing yo Caboose of all people.

“Something wrong Tucker?” Wash asked from where he was cleaning his rifle. Tucker could hear the smirk in his voice without looking up.

“No!” Tucker snapped, the lie coming quickly to his lips because he really didn’t want to admit that Wash was right that he needed a hair cut.

Wash rolled his eyes and got up to stand over Tucker, hands on his hips. But Tucker refused to look up, pretending to be way more interested in his next turn than he was.

“I don’t see why you won’t just let me cut it,” Wash said on a sigh.

“And I don’t see why you won’t admit that it’d be weird,” Tucker snapped, hand coming up to push the hair away from his eyes with a bit too much force.

Wash shook his head, “I told you I helped plenty of the others in Project Freelancer cut their hair. I was perfectly good at it and it wasn’t weird. You’re just being a baby.”

Tucker let out a derisive ‘pft’ noise, but he was a lot closer to giving in than he let on.

“Oh I see, you’d rather just wallow in your misery than fix the fucking problem. Well I can see that’s going really well for you and isn’t making it so Caboose can easily kick the shit out of you at monopoly.”

At the Tucker slammed down his cards that he’d been holding and shot up to stand face to face with Wash. Well, more like collar bone to face but he wouldn’t let that distract him.

But when he opened his mouth a clump of hair fell into it before he could say anything. Spitting and flailing he turned back to Wash once he had gotten his curls more under control.

“Fine.” Tucker said in a resigned voice, “just do something about this.”

Wash looked surprised at Tucker’s acceptance but his shock quickly morphed into an easy smile that didn’t hold as much ‘I told you so’ as Tucker had been worried about. So, Tucker followed Wash into the bathroom and let Caboose finish the game of monopoly on his own, he didn’t even seem to realize Tucker had left.

“Sit,” Wash instructed as he pulled out scissors, a comb, and some clips that Tucker didn’t even know they had.

Tucker followed the order wordlessly and tried not to think about what was to come.

“Now how long do you want it?” Wash asked.

“Uh I don’t know, just get the bangs and shit out of my eyes and keep the rest of it away from my face.”

Normally Tucker would have a bit more of an idea of what he wanted, not that he would usually go to the barber’s with a bunch of pictures and a detailed plan, but he wouldn’t say he wouldn’t not do that. But he right now speed was definitely the priority.

Was was nodding about him and he lifted his hands to run through Tucker’s hair.

“Whoa what are you doing?” Tucker asked jolting away from the touch.

“Getting ready to cut your hair,” Wash answered with a raised eyebrow. “What the fuck do you think I’m doing?”

“I don’t know,” Tucker answered. “Just aren’t you supposed to wet down the hair first or whatever.”

Wash shook his head, “actually when you cut curly hair it’s better to cut it dry so you don’t cut more than you think you are. And it’s easier to make sure the hair stays in the right shape when it’s not wet.”

Wash just shrugged at the surprised look on Tucker’s face, “I told you I cut people’s hair before. And Florida was always really picky too, so I got good at it.”

Tucker just blinked up at Wash, enjoying the red creeping up his neck and the way he wouldn’t look Tucker in the eyes. Tucker just grinned after a second and settled back into his chair, ready to let Wash work.

“If I had known you were practically a licensed barber I would have put that to use years ago. Charge the reds for haircuts or something,” Tucker said as Wash slid his hands through his hair again and Tucker tried to let the conversation take his attention away from the tingle that rushed down his spine.

Wash just snorted, “yeah like Donut would ever let someone else cut the Red’s hair.”

“You’ve got me there,” Tucker admitted.

Unfortunately after that their conversation lapsed into silence and Tucker had nothing to distract from the feeling of Wash’s hands on his head and in his hair. Even when he began meticulously cutting at each curl and styling it just so, Tucker felt heat rushing up his back and was grateful for his darker skin making it hard to see how much he was blushing.

Hair cutting had always been a bit of a turn on for Tucker, though usually it didn’t actually accumulate to anything unless he was already attracted to the person doing the cutting. He never popped a boner for his barber back home at least. But the way his body was reacting just then made it a lot harder for Tucker to keep feeding himself the lies that he wasn’t attracted to guys at all and certainly not Wash.

He tried some deep breathing but relaxing under Wash’s fingers was definitely not the way to go. Instead he tried keeping his body as rigid as he could without seeming suspicious. But that just made it so that by the time Wash had stood in front of him and eyeballed the lengths of each side, Tucker felt more wound up than a virgin at his first strip club.

“Alright, that should do it,” Wash said looking down at Tucker with the small half smile of his. “Come check it out in the mirror.”

Tucker suppressed a groan, “I’m good here actually.” He said as Wash made room around their tiny bathroom mirror.

Wash’s brow furrowed, “you can’t see it from there, you’re too low, just get up and come look at it. I can fix anything you don’t like.”

Again Tucker pushed down the upset noise that wanted to burst out of his mouth and instead focused his effort on standing and making his way to Wash without making it super obvious he had a boner. At least he could make it to the mirror in two steps.

When Tucker finally saw his reflection he was surprised and pretty happy by the results. Wash hands taken too much length so the hair still fell around his shoulders, but it was growing out so much so it wasn’t being pushed into his face. And the short hair around his eyes was thinned and shaped away from his face so even as he turned his head it didn’t fall in his eyes. Overall the look was actually really nice too, as though Wash had known just how to cut it to suit his face shape. More than anything Tucker was impressed.

So impressed that he wasn’t thinking when he turned to compliment Wash on the look and the man was standing a lot closer than Tucker remembered. Close enough that Tucker may or may not have bumped into him, crotch first.

Wash blinked at him and Tucker jumped back as though he had been shocked. He quickly turned around and made his way out of the bathroom, calling behind him, “it looks really good, thanks for the help. I’m sure I’ll be unstoppable now. So anyway see ya later.”

He didn’t let himself think about how much Wash had noticed when he got back to his room and crawled under the sheets in shame.

[mountswhore]

𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞 — mason mount

summary: you’d grown tired of mason putting everything else before you, but he wants you to stay.

notes: requests are open

“Please don’t make me choose.” + “I can be your reason why.”

“I have training today,” Mason grumbled against your skin, holding you tighter as if it would stop him from all responsibilities today. But you just smiled, still half asleep after Mason accidentally waking you up. He’d gotten a text from one of his Chelsea teammates, and a string of profanities had followed, waking you up in pure confusion. 

“Come on, bubs.” You replied, now turning over to cuddle into his chest. “You know you can’t miss training.” And just like that, he was okay with going. You always reminded him how important the things in his life were to him, even in moments of doubt and exhaustion.

But these past few weeks had been weird. He’d have training, come home briefly, before leaving for the night. He’d mumble that he was going out with Dec and some of the other boys, but get home at gone 1am, most of the time drunk. The first few days it was fine, he wanted to have some fun during the rare days off between games, but after a week of him just about kissing your cheek before leaving, it was eating at you.

You began to think you were the reason why he stayed out late every night — was it something you were doing wrong? You didn’t even have the time to confront him, because you’d gone to bed before he came home, and you’d be up for work before he woke up. You’d only catch glimpses of the other as they slept, barely having time for conversation.

The only time you’d had a full conversation, was the argument you’d had with him. He’d gotten home from training, throwing his training gear beside the washing machine and heading upstairs, where you laid in bed with a book. You patiently waited for him to shower and get into bed with you, but he didn’t. He’d gotten dressed up nice, answering to phone to Declan, saying he’d be out in five minutes.

“Where are you going now?” You huffed, your attitude shining through the tone of your voice. Mason just sighed and turned to face you, moving to the bedroom door to exit for the night.

“Out.”

“No shit. But for the third time this week, Mase? It’s Thursday night.”

“Does it fucking matter?” Mason complained, running his hand through his hair and pulling at it gently.

“Yes, it does. Because every time I think we’re going to have some time together, you’re getting ready to leave. It’s been everything but me recently, and I don’t usually mind because you’re a busy man. But I’m getting to the point where you need to choose.” You argued, throwing the book to the side of you, forgetting about the lost page and focused on the shocked expression on Mason’s face.

“Please don’t make me choose.” He hummed quietly, not wanting to argue or ruin his night. You just scoffed and picked up your book, flicking through to find a familiar block of words. Mason had just quietly left, something he’d been doing a lot recently.

But you’d found the perfect time to reconnect with your boyfriend again. Your anniversary was fast approaching, and you were giddy every morning you’d woken up. Putting yourself through long hours of work was worth it, because you’d saved enough to buy him a watch he’d been wanting for months but never bought it for himself.

On the evening of your anniversary, you’d gotten out of work early and given yourself a pamper. His favourite dress, favourite heels he’d bought you, your hair just the way he likes it. And the watch in a small bag beside the meal you’d cooked. And you waited. You knew he wouldn’t be dressed for the meal immediately, he’d have to go and have a wash, but he’d run over his confirmed finishing time of 6. As every half hour had passed, you’d felt the tears sting your waterline. Not only had he not shown up, but he had clearly forgotten. It had gotten to 9pm now, and you were on the couch in your pyjamas with a bottle of wine to accompany you.

The whole bottle was finished when he finally got home at 10.14. He’d smelt the food as he walked in, dying to taste whatever you’d made, but you weren’t there. Just two plates sat at the island, burnt out candles and a wrapped up box between the two plates. He quickly reached for his phone, seeing he had just over 90 minutes before your anniversary was over. He’d completely forgotten, and he couldn’t make an excuse.

He huffed, checking the living room, only to find an empty wine bottle and the tv still playing quietly. The house was dark, eerie even. He’d jogged up the stairs, finally finding your shaking form in your shared wardrobe. You had a suitcase open, throwing your clothes into it carelessly as you sobbed. To him, it was just a missed anniversary. But to you, it was the death of your relationship. Clearly it was going nowhere and there was no reason to stick around.

“Bubs,” Mason spoke, his voice shaking as it raised. He tried to remain firm, but with the thoughts rushing through his head, it was hard to do so, “where are you going?” You ignored him, still shoving clothes into your bag and finally zipping it up. You didn’t know where you were going — friends, family, even your car, anywhere was better than here. In this loveless house.

You finally barged past him, dragging the suitcase downstairs. “Bubs, answer me. Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.” You sighed, shoving your feet into your shoes once your suitcase was safely on the lower floor. “I don’t want to be here anymore, Mase. I can’t be here anymore. Why should I keep doing this to myself?”

He was losing you, it was obvious to him now. All those late nights he’d spent with Dec, Reece, Ben and Kai. Having fun. Whilst you were at home worried sick about him. “Please don’t go, we can talk this out. We can make this work. Just stay here, Y/N.”

Your name was rarely used by him, only pet names were thrown around to get your attention. But by the look on Mason’s face, he was 100% serious. He wasn’t letting you go this easy. You just stared at him, the man who used to make you cereal at 5 in the morning when you didn’t want to get out of bed, the man who would take you on late night drives because you couldn’t sleep, the man who wouldn’t go a day without telling you he loved you. It was different now.

“Why should I stay? There’s no reason for me to stay with you, Mason. We’re barely a couple.” You admitted, pulling the door open. But Mason grabbed your wrist, making you stop in your tracks. You didn’t think you could look at him anymore, you were putty in his hands when he pulled out the puppy eyes.

“I can be your reason why.” He stated, pleading with you to stick around. To give him the chance he so clearly didn’t deserve.