#lord huron how does it feel to have my fucking life in your hands

[depresseddepot]

ok. ok. I think I might be normal again

[mcflymemes]

LORD HURON PROMPTS *  assorted lines from their albums

they put me in the ground, but i'm back from the dead.

i'm coming for you.

you got holes in your clothes.

i'm not afraid to fight.

what's the point of life?

all my days are filled with mourning.

i wanted everybody else in the world to know it.

i can bring your fears to life.

everybody lies.

somehow i survived.

you pulled me from a nightmare.

i fucked with forces that our eyes can't see.

i will stand by you.

i tried to warn you when you were a child.

don't laugh. you'll make me cry.

i swear to god i don't know him.

i was nearly destroyed.

i've no regrets.

you look like hell.

are you dead or are you alive?

i know i wanna love you.

you're tired of me.

please don't lie.

show me yours, and i'll show you mine.

all my nights are empty.

if forever gets lonely, take my hand.

better run for your life.

i'm heading out on the road tonight.

love is strange.

if you're leaving, i gotta know why.

i will not ask for your forgiveness.

you don't hit half-bad.

i will wait by the river.

i will never ever love another one the way i loved her.

how long have i been away?

i can feel it in my bones.

don't spurn me after all i've gone through.

all on my own just like i wanted to be.

i'm much too young to die.

it's hard to make friends when you're half in the grave.

darkness brings evil things.

you smell like death.

i bet he's not so tough.

i know that i'm damned.

since i recall, you've been my friend.

i should be on my way.

go on baby. hurt me tonight.

i know you're still alive.

i had a name, but they took it from me.

some kind of trouble is coming.

they burnt it to the ground.

i guess you're him.

all the dead seem to know where i am.

i'll never bleed.

i could use a few laughs and a couple of songs.

they come rising up into the night.

i've shared my life with you.

i'd never doubt you.

i won't ever age.

i'm tired of you.

they'll be looking for me.

i wonder where you are.

in my mind, you're mine forever.

i'll raise some hell.

i'm gonna see where it leads.

we'll face the fire together.

the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams.

see how it feels.

may you live until you die.

just wait until i catch my breath.

how many miles have we wandered?

i found my way.

i'm going away for a long time.

don't wait. it's time to go.

i did it all for you.

there was no one else in sight.

i've been out way too long.

would you follow me?

there are rules.

meet me in the woods tonight.

i don't want to be the only one living when all of my friends are gone.

don't turn away.

we will always be together.

i am coming for you.

few have seen it.

if you ever wanna see my face again, i wanna know.

i was six feet down, but something raised me up.

i'm gonna whistle a tune.

we really should've left here long ago.

close your eyes now.

everybody talks.

i've come back changed.

i can't sleep without you.

you say we're not like the others.

how long have i known you?

don't tell me that we're not the same.

i have seen what darkness does.

you don't want me, baby.

i hope you know the lengths i've gone to.

please don't say i'm going alone.

like hell you are.

[g0dspeeed]

5 Songs, 3 Outfits

Tagged by @carlosoliveiraa 💕 Thank you, this was so fun!

RULES: Post 5 songs associated with your OC(s), followed by 3 outfits they would wear.

The Storm by Bronze Radio Return

"She is the storm and the calm that proceeds. The howling wind and the still air in-between"

Blame Brett by The Beaches

"That's why I won't get vulnerable Don't you dare get comfortable Heartbreak is impossible Feelings doing somersaults I'm not ready for therapy To take accountability Right now it's about me Me and only 'bout me"

Damn (Unstuck) by Vox Rea

"Damn, it's all in my hands Bottle of gin and a cigarette Oh man, don't you think about lighting up? Damn, forgot all my plans Dangerous dance on quicksand Oh man, don't you think about giving up?"

King by Florence and The Machine

"I need my golden crown of sorrow My bloody sword to swing My empty halls to echo with grand self-mythology I am no mother, I am no bride, I am king I am no mother, I am no bride, I am king"

All About Me by Lilyisthatyou

"I don't give a damn if you're not at ease This is not about you, it's all about me Swallow your pride, fuck off and die This is not about you, it's all about me"

Girl just wants to be cozy fr

Free Animal by Foreign Air

"You get what you came for, what you stayed for I only know how to satisfy your craving This is what you crave Know what you're made of, what you're made of Flesh and bones won't lie They won't lie"

Waiting For The End by Linkin Park

"I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got"

WAM by A$AP Ferg

"Man, I got all the flavor, bitches say I'm delicious I'ma have all you motherfuckers laying in ditches I'ma kill all you rappers, I'ma aim with precision They was rocking with your ass 'til they made a decision All my friends making millions 'cause they knowin' my vision A lot of entertainers crash, I can see the collision Destined to make the money, I was great at division I'm finna take all your food and I'ma eat up the dishes"

Build Me Up by Reaubeau, Elle Hollis

"Something's coming, I wanna be Everything I thought that I could never be Build me up, piece by piece Figure out on my own the parts that made me"

Meet Me In The Woods by Lord Huron

"I have seen what the darkness does Say goodbye to who I was I ain't never been away so long Don't look back, them days are gone Follow me into the endless night I can bring your fears to life Show me yours and I'll show you mine Meet me in the woods tonight"

Country boy aesthetic ✨

Tagging @noodlecupcakes , @simplegenius042 , @voidika , @v0idbuggy , @direwombat , @socially-awkward-skeleton , @cassietrn , @ivymarquis , @ladyoriza , @la-grosse-patate , @nightbloodbix , @strangefable , @inafieldofdaisies , @shallow-gravy , @onehornedbeast , @henbased , @josephseedismyfather & else who wants to try!

[excelynch]

are you the king, mirror, ghost, magician or dreamer?

(write the letter of the answer you chose on a paper, at the end you will have the result of each letter)

1 - are you a poet, king or soldier?

a) poet

b) soldier

c) king

2 - choose a part of the song meet me in the woods by lord huron.

a) "I took a little journey to the unknown and I've come back changed I can feel it in my bones"

b) "I have seen what the darkness does. say goodbye to who I was"

c) "meet me in the woods tonight"

d) "I fucked with forces that our eyes can't see, now the darkness got a hold on me"

e) "show me yours and I'll show you mine"

3 - choose one of my opinions about trc that MAYBE you don't agree.

a) the dreamer trilogy has a slightly more interesting story.

b) the raven king ending sucks. like what is that DEMON?

c) adam and ronan were a little quick (but they're perfect anyway, maybe because it was so sudden, i wasn't expecting ronan lynch's secret)

d) declan was right most of the time, he just wanted to take care of what was left of the family.

e) noah deserved at least a decent goodbye.

4 - pick a random thing that was mentioned in the books

a) the pig

b) squash 1, squash 2, squash 3...

c) adam parrish's worn clothes.

d) lampshade dress (or ronan's lack of interest.

e) blue's pink pocket knife.

5 - you woke up at 03:49 am and you feel happy but you don't remember what you dreamed about. later, as the day goes by, you reflect. what did you dream about?

a) I don't remember exactly, just one person in front of me, they says my name and then they hugs me and I feel loved and then aliens take us to a distant planet and I turn out to be that person is a little girl who stole a lego of mine when i was a kid and we started battling for the hand of the cockroach queen.

b) I woke up happy that I finally got some sleep, but dreaming? it's something I'm still trying to remember how to do.

c) I can't remember what I dreamed about.

d) me in front of a mirror and in that mirror I saw myself as a kid. they told me in a calm voice "you can grow up now"

e) a house with all the ghosts that haunt me, they say they can move on now. I'm alone in the house, there's nothing left, but that emptiness doesn't bother me. I like the silence after so much noise.

6 - choose a quote from the books

a) "he threw me out the window"

b) "excelsior"

c) "maybe i dreamt you"

d) "safe as life"

e) "i am being perfectly fucking civil"

7 - ok, without judging the inside of the books, just choose by the cover.

a) the dream thieves

b) the raven king

c) the raven boys

d) blue lily, lily blue

e) call down the hawk / mister impossible /greywaren

8 - which of Ronan's dreams do you most identify with?

a) adam's perfect teeth (i know, i know)

b) matthew, the golden boy who just wants to be a normal boy

c) the other ronan who was born to die

d) forests and more forests

e) a hoverboard that will save everyone in the end

9 - if gansey is the king, blue is the mirror, ronan is the dreamer, noah is the ghost and adam is the magician so henry is...?

a) the one that's left (maybe you didn't care enough to give him a meaning)

b) madonna's number one fan

c) the bee

d) the son

e) the master

10 - if someone came and told you that you were going to die in a year, how would you react?

a) "no shit, sherlock! now say something new"

b) I would accept my fate and live normally. "After all, we're all going to die, I'm just going to die sooner"

c) I would do what I was always afraid to do.

d) "I've been dead for seven years"

e) I would do anything to change my destiny.

...

if you chose king add a point for ronan. if you chose poet add a point for noah and gansey. and if you chose soldier add a point for adam and blue.

now just add which letter you got the most and tell me in the comments the result :)

a = ronan

b = noah

c = gansey

d = adam

e = blue

I hope that you enjoyed and sorry for any mistakes, I'm learning english :)

I was thinking of doing a "which brother lynch are you" and one about the marauders, what do you think?

[koskela-knights]

I’m trying to make my own AW2 playlist of chapter ending songs—do you have any recommendations? Feel like we’re similarly obsessed with the spiral…

Thnx for your question! And well yeah I might be a bit obsessed with the spiral/loops and its endless possibilities & scenarios that could've been 👀

Besides the official ending songs the game already provides, there are some other songs that give me general AW/AW2 vibes or specific feels for certain characters! I've been pondering about songs to share for a while, so this is a great opportunity! Thnx again for the ask!

Also feel free to share your own songs in my inbox if you feel like it :D

It's gonna be a long post so buckle up 😅

This is the moment to share my love for Lord Huron, specifically their Strange Trails album but also Vide Noir one.

Strange Trails is, to me, an album about being lost and cursed and it's about love. Honestly, I don't think The Night We Met is a good representative about the entire album.

Meet Me In The Woods

This entire song just screams Alan Wake to me.

I took a little journey to the unknown, And I come back changed. I can feel it in my bones. I fucked with forces that our eyes can't see. Now the darkness got a hold on me.

(...)

How long, baby, have I been away? Oh, it feels like ages though you say it's only days. There ain't language for the things I've seen. And the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams.

(...)

I have seen what the darkness does. Said goodbye to who I was. I ain't never been away so long. Don't look back them days are gone. Follow me into the endless night. I can bring your fears to life. Show me yours and I'll show you mine. Meet me in the woods tonight.

Like, how can you read those lyrics and not think about our boy Alan.

2. Way Out There

Drifting in a land time forgot If you think that I've changed, you know me not I belong bodily to the earth I'm just wearing old bones from those that came first I been unraveling since my birth

Those lyrics and partially the song in general remind me of Alan in the Dark Place trying to escape. How many loops has he been through? (Thus in this context, kind of wearing 'old bones from those who came first, aka older iterations of Alan himself) Also, the theremin they use is so fitting and it's an instrument often used in horror movies so <3

3. Vide Noir (both album itself & song)

Where can you go when it’s all in your head? These are the last words that I ever said Where can you go when it’s all in your head? These are the last words that I ever said

Tbh, this album also gives off major Control vibes with its themes and songs about the Astral plane & the black void. Many other songs on the album talk about the main character getting lost and drifting in-between time/space and living/dying

4. War by Poets of the Fall

You might be familiar with the song already and its music video 👀

I like how all the Poets were involved in the video as Taken (have you seen BTS shots of Olli with a fake beard?!!) Anyways, the song makes me think of how Alan has to remember that there are people out there who want to help him. That there are people out there fighting against the Darkness, even if he is mainly unaware and might even feel he doesn't deserve external help. It also reflects Alice being Alan's bright light in the darkness, and the reason he wants to keep fighting to get back to her.

In a similar vein, Lust For Life (also PoTF haha) this song could also be seen through an Alan/Alice lens, the shared shoebox mechanic and Alice trying to help/guide Alan back to the real world.

What is lost may be found Safe and sound

5. Hello Cabaret by PoTF

Now this song is maybe one of my faves of the Ghostlight album. Relistening to my fave lyrics of the song, it reminds me of the Koskelas and Ilmo specifically.

For when you come calling Dancing on my grave For all my choices made Judging me for how I played The hand you dealt me Stains the blood that flows

(...)

Of all I once did love but lost Nothing comes without a cost The wise fool said that's just the way it goes

(...)

Most will never comprehend Till' they're in the very predicament

To me, Ilmo at the end of the game is heartbroken and dead inside now that his other/better half is gone. The 'you' in question here might as well be the player or Scratch/Alan and he feels judged by the narrative of his previous actions. He's made decisions and sacrifices and used the Cult as a palpable 'villain' for the greater good. Something many probably didn't/wouldn't understand unless they were in his shoes.

6. Chasing Echoes by PoTF

It's a fun coincidence that in AW2 you have literal Echoes to chase huh.

Is this a role or disguise seeking mercy in creation? Just another device or truly a time when we will rise? Oh one and all, to the occasion And bridge the gap to see the other side?

The more on-the-nose/literal meaning aside, I think this song can be read as another one about Alan trying to escape the DP/spiral upwards toward ascension. Again, there's a 'you' in this song that could be interpreted as Alice who is a light inside Alan's darkness.

7. Brother by Lord Huron

How long have I known you, brother? Hundreds of lives, thousands of years How many miles have we wandered Under the sky, chasing our fear? Considering the spiral and the historical background of the Koskelas and their (indirect) ties to the Huotaris, they might as well known each other/been brothers for longer than what we see in-game. Some kind of trouble is coming Don't know when, don't know what I will stand by you, brother 'Til the daylight comes or I'm dead and gone

(...)

I know we can't stop what's coming But I will try, oh how I'll try Will you fight with me, brother One last time, one last fight

We know Ilmo got visited by the Dark Presence and has had nightmares about killing Jaakko. Luckily, he rose above that (as far as we know) but I think the dread and fear of losing Jaakko keeps lingering just underneath the surface. Personally, I enjoy the thought of people sometimes remembering the previous loop/spiral and that those affected/remembering would try anything to keep the loop from repeating.

8. You Belong To Me by Cat Pierce

If you're a fan of Alan/Scratch, this song has that obsessive/possessive vibe to it that seems to be a dialogue/mix between them.

I've heard allegations 'bout your reputation I'll show you my shadows if you show yours Let's get it right dear, give a good fight dear We'll keep it all up behind closed doors

(...)

I must confess to you, I want to possess you Feels like we're dreaming, we're tripping and reeling Just say that you belong to me I could get lost in the feelings we're feeling Just say that you belong to me

[cowboydisaster]

My top ten Lord Huron songs and why:

I know what you're thinking: Bea, nobody asked for this!! you are correct 😌 but I can't stop listening to music 24/7, and this band lives rent-free in my head. I genuinely cannot get their lyrics out of my mind. Anyway, please feel free to go in my inbox to ask or tell me more about Lord Huron cause I'm obsessed!

10. She Lit a Fire

favorite lines: "I'll search the world until there's no place left to go And if she leaves it, I will follow" and "When last I saw her she was dancing all alone"

why: I love how upbeat this song is and I love the lyrics, it's so romantic

9. The Ghost on the Shore

favorite line: "Lie where I land, let my bones turn to sand I was born on the lake and I don't want to leave it"

why: this song is just really beautiful, I find it very calming when it's not making me cry lol.

8. I Lied

favorite lines: "I bore a flame that burned a thousand suns for you, but it died" and "Told you I could never live without your love, but I lied."

why: I love love love the storyline to this song, and the back and forth. It's such a bittersweet ending to a love story.

7. When the Night is Over

favorite lines: "I feel the weather change, I hear the river say your name" and "Am I lost inside my mind? There's an emerald in the sky"

why: I used to listen to this song every day when I was driving to work and it's become such a habit that I'm obsessed with it now. also it's one of the only songs I've listened to from this album.

6. Love Like Ghosts

favorite line: "All the spirits that I know I saw, do you see no ghosts in me at all?" or "Haunted spirits that I know I saw, do they see no ghosts in me at all?"

!!they are listed as different on multiple lyric sites so idk!!

why: this is one of the first Lord Huron songs I ever heard, so there's some nostalgia here. Also love what's going on between "Love like Ghosts" and "Meet Me in the Woods"

5. Meet Me in the City

favorite line: "Am I not the one you're dreaming of, my angel?"

why: this song makes me want to have a sneaky link in the city, it's dangerous for my mania 💀It's so so good, I love the slower, seductive vibe to it.

4. Mine Forever

favorite lines: "I'm much too young to die So long, good luck, goodbye" and "We will always be together In my mind, you're mine forever"

why: I love the story that goes with this song and it's SO good. I can't explain it because I don't know anything about music. is it the melody?? The chorus?? idk it's great.

3. What Do it Mean?

favorite lines: "Gonna fly through my life 'til ai crash into the ending" and "What does it mean if it all means nothing?"

why: I listen to this song when im having existential crises, which is far too often for my own good! but! it's a great song nontheless.

2. Setting Sun

favorite lines: "I'm fond a' living but I woulda given it all for the girl I love" and "Oh, well is he ready to die for you baby? Now that you know I was."

why: Need I explain? This song is so fucking good. The jealousy/ the 'if i can't have you, no one can' trope. god-- its so good.

1. Lullaby

favorite lines: "Where have you been darling, What have you done?" and "You were out finding trouble again There's a fire in your eyes, and there's blood on your hands"

why: I absolutely love this song. It's the first Lord Huron song I was ever introduced to and I love everything about it. The lyrics are so beautiful UGH. I named my Arthur X reader fic after this song, and made it a quote on my pinned post. I cry almost every time I listen to it and I don't even know why, it just makes me emotional.

[azems-familiar]

hello! are there any songs you associate with any of the kotor characters? (totally not asking bc my brain is hungry for animatic ideas haha,,)

OH BOY DO I HAVE SONGS

first things first, i will direct you to my twelve hour Revan playlist that i use for writing vibes, it's a mixture of vocal and instrumental and it has both a bunch of Revan songs for different eras of Revan, plus revalek songs, plus some revastila songs, plus some songs that just vibe.... it's good and most of the songs i'm about to highlight, if not all of them, are on there already.

NOW. HERE WE GO.

first things first, i need to introduce you to the title song for my mandalorian wars fic, oblivion by the aviators! god, this song doesn't fit all Revans perfectly, but it fits mine so well it was like it'd been written for her specifically, i swear. listening to the song was what inspired me to write the fic to begin with (and now i have a whole series oops). i mean, come on, look at the chorus:

Let the broken heroes rise Let the victors take their prize No one wins when justice dies War has let this age begin It's where we've gone and where they've been What a state that we're in Here in oblivion

can't look at that and tell me that isn't Jedi Knight Revan and the war that broke them.

next up!! liar by the arcadian wild, my beloved. this song is currently my top all time on spotify, closely followed by the song i'm going to rec after it and then achilles come down - and the fact that anything unseated achilles for the top spot should tell you something. (and if you don't know what achilles come down is look it up that one's on my playlist too.) this is a really good one for Revan's slow fall down, the corruption arc - again, all of the songs i'm mentioning really fit my own versions of the characters best, but they're just good in general. some of the lyrics i enjoy from this one:

hnext up, we have it all by pim stones. this particular one feels very revalek to me, early in the Sith years when they still maybe had good intentions, maybe after the war but before becoming Darth. there's this softer, almost desperate tone to the way the singer sings it that just hits me hard - this is the song i'm using as the title for my Sith years interlude fic! a lyric snippet:

All my life I've been heading for hell But never had I thought I'd drag you down as well I just couldn't resist what he was trying to sell

There's glory ahead but our love will be forgotten If my heart was still mine I would go to the bottom And apologise to you until the day it went rotten

next up we have the balancer's eye by lord huron, which is the song i named my series after (have you noticed a trend yet?). it's a very Revan vibe in general, and while i'm not as much of a fan of the style, the lyrics are really excellent!

Nothing's waiting for us in the great sky Life is equal to dust in the balancer's eye Now I know that I can't lift an old curse Tell me, how does a man change the universe?

Will I ever be forgiven for the crime of my life? Will it haunt me 'til I die?

mmm let's see what next. OH! go to war by nothing more. this is just straight up a Sith years song for revalek, whether you ship them or not - they were important to each other either way! ..... i am not going to tangent into yelling about revalek. that is not what this is for. anyway, the song itself is a) a banger and b) talking about love corrupting and falling apart and it just. it hits, man

Do we censor? Do we flow? Are we drunk on the chemicals? Every feeling in my bones Tells me to lash out and tell you to fuck off You've got my heart and I've got your soul But are we better off alone? With every battle we lose a little more Remember everything that we'd die for You are everything that I'd die for

oooh NEXT we have the song i was going to use for my Jaw Scene before i decided to write a full sith years fic. saints by echos is the song, and again, we've got Sith years Revan and Malak here (yes yes i have a type), the vibes of losing faith and anger and it blends really well with how Revan basically played off being a legendary figure to the Republic to fuel their war against it!

You were standing there like an angry god Counting out my sins just to cross them off Saying that my tongue was too loud to trust And that my blood couldn't keep you

My dear, you're not so innocent You're fooling Heaven's gates So you won't have to change You're no saint, you're no savior

mmmm okay the discord has informed me that ten (10) songs is the maximum i should do in one post so. i will only do four more. chrysalis - the last breath by delain is yet another Sith Revan and Malak song and honestly you can read it as a response to the song above, if you think of saints from Malak's pov and chrysalis from Revan's, they mesh really well together.

Hey, are you still mad? About the time We almost went too far I know your regrets In my defense; By now, it's just a scar That distracts you from Your broken heart Like you wanted it to do How do you feel? I don't... How do you know? You won't... To let go of you I will try Until my last breath How do you feel? I don't... How do you know? You won't... To let go I promise I will fight

next! for a complete change of pace, i have a revastila song for you - warrior by beth crowley. it somehow manages to capture exactly the dynamic i think of in my head when i think about Bastila, the uncertainty, the forbiddeness of it, but the way Revan ultimately strengthens her and she strengthens Revan

You fascinated me Cloaked in shadows and secrecy The beauty of a broken angel

I ventured carefully Afraid of what you thought I'd be But pretty soon, I was entangled

You take me by the hand I question who I am

uhhhhhh i am desperately trying to think of songs that aren't just about Revan but instead here i am with another Mandalorian Wars Revan song, what did we know by rachel rose mitchell! this song was introduced to me by the same friend who sent me oblivion, and it really captures the fall of the Mandalorian wars incredibly well imo - the way it started with righteousness but ended in pain (compassion leading to destruction and that's a ramble i'm not going on here either), and there's this line in there that i'm not including in my snippet that's what scares me more than anything / if we could choose the past / we'd probably choose the same and it's like. yes! that's it! i'm going to once again go insane over the scene in the Korriban tomb in kotor 2!!! knowing the price.... would you choose to do it all again........ aaaaaaaa

It's been so long since we began. It seems so long ago That in the name of loyalty We started on our own. Answering the call of a house we once called home, We knew that we were right. What did we know?

We swore that we understood this wasn't a game, But somehow we found ourselves fanning the flames. Those who cautioned and abandoned us, they were the same. I saw them turn away.

the final song i'm doing is the song i used when i wrote the Betrayal scene from Malak's pov, the little things give you away by linkin park. this one just. it vibes, it vibes hard, goes really into the actual grief of betrayal, and also has a super epic instrumental solo so there's that. as usual, lyric snippet:

Don't want to reach for me, do you? I mean nothing to you The little things give you away But now there will be no mistaking The levees are breaking

All you've ever wanted Was someone to truly look up to you And six feet under water, I do

All you've ever wanted Was someone to truly look up to you And six feet underground now I Now I do

god okay now that you're completely overwhelmed and never want to talk to me again....... i should've probably put this under a readmore but eh. thanks for the ask!

[jamrockshuffle]

does apocalypse refer to the state of the world being swallowed by the pale? or your particular modus operandi of leaving chaos in your wake?

spotify / youtube

harry du bois playlist; annotations, tracklist, and details under the cut

updated 12/8/2022 - please note; the youtube version updates slower than the spotify one

This playlist is all over the place genre wise, and a bit of a mess- which if you really think about is pretty in character. I’ll add my thoughts to some of the tracks, and will continue to add to the playlist most likely. Also, this playlist isn’t in any sort of “character arc/chronological order” because I’m adding as I go. It would be too much to always shuffle the tracks around.

- Helluva Life / FrankJavCee

Somebody save me I'm fucking crazy You know I did it to myself And now I'm all alone

- Synthetic Symphonies / Fujiya & Miyagi

- The Vagabond / Air

Like a vagabond in the distance Looking for a song to sing A song that'll last all night And for the rest of our lives

- Hand Me My Shovel, I’m Going In! / Will Wood and the Tapeworms

My name was soiled by a last call spill With a backwash swill and the blackout killed me Sober on impact from a fall from grace

- Addvice / Days N Daze

We poison ourselves and don't think twice About the consequence when the crutches feel so nice When we put band aids on our bullet wounds we Subtract good add vice

- Want To Be Free / British Sea Power

On the nose? Yes. Fuck you, I’m including it. Sad FM for life

- Out of This World / Michal Menert

- Alcohol / Sisyphus

- Some Thing’s Coming / I Monster

This song just reminds me of the chaos that seems to surround Harry, and how he drags everyone around him into the madness. Not necessarily in a bad way, though

- Vide Noir / Lord Huron

Many nights have I heard her voice Whisper my name without making a noise Calling out from a pure, black void Tears of sorrow or tears of joy Drops in my cup as my mind is destroyed Staring into a pure, black void

- I Don’t Do Drugs, I Just Sweat A Lot / Bicurious

God, the title of this, the artist name. It’s Harry-core. Also, the weird frantic energy. It’s perfect don’t @ me

- SIMMER DOWN / ionnalee

This one is a little out there mood wise and not super “obvious” like a lot of other songs on this list. The overall message of the song is the artist subverting people’s preconceived notions of her, and what she is “supposed” to do. It’s her going off brand, and freeing herself

- Finally / The Correspondents 

Finally, I've grown back the ability to Stop the demons coming in, face the night alone again I'll never feel the cold again as far as I can know

- Problems / Mother Mother

I've got problems Not just ones that are little It's those people problems That's something to consider When you come to dinner at my place

- When I Was Done Dying / Dan Deacon

It’s a drug trip. Not much more to say, other than Inland Empire and Electrochemistry had sex and went batshit on this one

- Kid Midnight / IRONTOM

Oh my god, I fell off the wagon Oh my god, after decking the captain Oh my god, I put myself through hell A little too, a little too, a little too well

- Future Starts Slow / The Kills

- Dark Speed / Failure 

(Note: This song has been removed off of spotify) You did it right when you tried to forget it all You did it right when you said it was all your fault Don't change your mind when it's already over Can't change your mind when it's already gone

- Fatherlight / Faded Paper Figures

Hear the city call With faster highways and with alcohol Can we synchronize With time so different, generation-wise?

- Contagious / Night Riots

- Sometimes (Phonovisions Symphonic Version) / Wax Tailor

Songs with a lot of samples like this, sort of interconnected and chaotic in their own way always reminds me of the pale. 

- OK / 8 Graves

But in spite of my trying, I feel like I'm dying And I can't hear a word you say All of the drinking and lying, the games that I play Nothing seems to make me feel okay

- Loving the Animal / Superet

Very Dora Ingerlund :(

- Vacant Lot / The Growlers

In the land of the brave And running out of vain Waiting for a guy, silver-eyed Like a bullet train Kinda wishes that he wouldn't show up Cause it's all become a stain Of the terra cotta mud

- Dead Men’s Cigarettes / I Am Kloot

Don’t ask me why, but Harry & Jean vibes (Harry/Jean even, for the discerning gentleman)

- A Northern Soul / The Verve

- Sing Sing / The Bones of J.R. Jones

And wash, you better wash your hands Grab the soap, use your frying pan Cause you've been digging down, burying dead Grass grows tall on the things that you wish that you'd forget

Unrelated, but I love when lyrics don’t rhyme but have like... the same “vowel sound” if that makes sense? Hands, Pan and Dead, Forget. It’s good lol

- Lovecraft in Brooklyn / The Mountain Goats

oh man. where do I begin with this one. cross out Brooklyn and put Jamrock and you’ve got a certifiable disco elysium goldmine of a song

When the sun goes down the armies of the voiceless Several hundred-thousand strong Come out without their bandages Their voices raised in song When the street lights sputter out They make this awful sizzling sound I cast my gaze towards the pavement Too many blood stains on the ground

This part in particular reminds me of the ghosts of the revolution still lingering in Martinaise, and how the city couldn’t seem to forget or be healed from it. you could still see where people were lined up and executed. 

Woke up afraid of my own shadow Like, genuinely afraid Headed for the pawnshop To buy myself a switchblade Someday something's coming From way out beyond the stars To kill us while we stand here It'll store our brains in mason jars

cop of the apocalypse at his finest

- Too Far Gone / Sir Sly

Am I too far gone For you to save me, save me How couldn't you see that I was crazy? Can we start from the beginning now? It feels like I'm really living now Maybe, maybe everyone's a little bit jaded Can we start from the beginning now? It feels like I'm really living now

post martinaise harry trying to make amends got me feeling some kinda way. also, I just. feel like this could be directed at Kim, honestly I feel as though Harry probably wouldn’t have climbed out of his hole without him

- Someone Else / Rezz, Grabbitz

This whole song really reminds me of how Harry views Dora. Yes I know a lot of my songs on this playlist is very “sad divorce man” - trust me, I love Harry/Kim why do I keep putting sad divorce man moods in this playlist I wake up in the bed you made The one where you're supposed to lay with me I smell you on the pillowcase But don't see your face, and that's okay with me I never thought I'd see the day (See the day) I'd see you as somebody I could hate I guess that's just the price I pay For the blood-red flags that I walked past every day Who are you when I'm not looking? You're like an angel sent from hell Despite those eyes that hooked me When I'm not looking, you are someone else

- Mine Forever / Lord Huron

Je ne t'oublierai pas Je te laisserai dans la lumière déclinante Puis-tu vivre jusqu'à ta mort Je te verrai dans une autre vie Je te verrai dans une autre vie

(I will not forget you I’ll leave you in the fading light May you live until you die I will see you in another life I will see you in another life)

- Trying / Molotov Jukebox

As the morning begins I begin to pack my things I get my knickers in a twist and I wish and I wish for a short back and sides and a shirt and a tie So I can fit in Put some wind in my sails but I just can't breathe To young to feel this old and old enough to know the weight I'm carrying Obsessed restless mind I wish I knew the right way to fill out my time But I let the alcohol flow and I put on a show but you know

- Stuck In My Id / Reptar

So I've now discovered something lying dormant in my brain I will never let it go, yeah I will never be the same I'm in the middle of a bottomless id Gonna make it with another and another and again There's no hope, no future, no more of these ties to you And when I wake up in the morning My breakfast laid out on my bed Some kind of memory without you, girl She lives and spins inside my head

- Dread Sovereign / Shearwater

- Whispers of the Waves (feat. Gord Downie) / Buck 65

They curse your name... Whisper please, please, please People can be so mean... They call you the drowning machine

- Somebody That I Used To Know / Gotye, Kimbra

- Metal Fingers / Electric President 

Stand and move and walk across the water Peel the cover from the city Watch its insides twitch and smoke and rotate endlessly Sinking. Moving deep beneath the water Lots of other worlds exist Soon enough we'll tear them open Soon enough we'll break them too

- The Grey King and the Silver Flame Attunement / The Mountain Goats

I'm hardcore but I'm not that hardcore I'm pretty hardcore but I'm not that hardcore

I think we all know why I put this in

- Bad Habits / Johnny Polygon

Say I'm gon' change Next day I'm back at But I'm still a good person I just got some bad habits

- Restless / UNKLE, Josh Homme

Well I've gone restless, but I don't care I got fifteen bucks worth of savoir faire You wanna step in my way you won't step again I just break it, I just bend, and I resend

- Good Morning / Two Door Cinema Club

Think I already know It's out of my control Found no solution but to let the pieces fall where they fall Even with nothing left, I've got more than you know I wanna let you in and we'll begin

- Terrifyer / AJJ

Then it got personal, I saw my rage I just wanted to rage, but all I got was tired I tried to walk to the building, but the beauty, it brittled me I tried to talk to the waiter, but the beauty gentled me I ran away from the security guard because security guards dishearten me I said goodbye to my dignity, said goodbye to my dignity

- People in the City / Air

- Medicine / Broken Bells

You think hurting gives you license To do anything at all But you gotta take your medicine Allow your hands to lose their grip and let it fall

- avec mes mecs / Humans

- Train Electronic / Younger Brother

Some of the more instrument oriented parts of this song is really reminiscent of the soundtrack :)

- All Your Love / Sir Sly

Clutch until my knuckles white Show my teeth, but never bite Acting like I'm innocent Pushing daisies in a dream Letting out a silent scream

- In the Shade of the Sun / Kapitan Korsakov

Another song that just really fits the soundtrack vibe, can’t really elaborate more than that. It’s just good :)

- Whiskey Fever / Dorothy

- Ce n’est Rien / Nothing But Thieves

There's a hole in the sky And it don't fucking matter Make any sound that you like The crueler the better, it don't fucking matter A mammoth of sound (It don't fucking matter) Volcano of sound (It don't fucking matter) A mammoth of sound

[georgiaswarr]

lister bird - part 2 (part 1)

beautiful faces - declan mckenna

i’m very much many thoughts head full can’t put it into concise words when it comes to beautiful faces as an iwbft song but suffice it to say, this song looks at celebrity, influencer and consumerism culture through a certain lens of doom, which hits close to home for lister. it also addresses excessive partying and drinking, for example in the “lift your hands up and lead us back home” lyric

beige - yoke lore

“i don't wanna see you smile / i want you in the morning / before you go performing” *whispers* bicci song

9 to 5 - smallpools

lister grew up poor and we mustn’t forget that part 3. also themes of losing innocence and doing what you must to survive in this cruel world.

when the party’s over - billie eilish

more themes of loneliness, self-hate and partying ! yay ! /s

hallucinogenics - matt maeson

i mean.... “pushing past the limit, trippin' on hallucinogenics / my cigarette burnt my finger 'cause i forgot i lit it / rippin' with my sinners 'cause fuck it, man, i ain't no beginner / and then i crawled back to the life that i said i wouldn't live in // cause i just couldn't open up, i'm always shiftin' / go find yourself a man who's strong and tall and christian” NEED I SAY MORE, THIS IS THE MOST LISTER SONG IN EXISTENCE

okay okay - alessia cara

a song about trying to fake self-confidence until you “make it” even though you don’t believe that you’re - to quote - a “million trick pony” yourself which is very true for lister john self-deprecation bird

nights - neon trees

here we have lister at least thinking that his crush on jimmy is unrequited, plus themes of insomnia

be an astronaut - declan mckenna

this raises the question of how much agency lister has and how much he’s just pushed around by his circumstances and by society, even though he might dream, or has dreamt of being bigger than that

clouds - børns

this song makes me think of Yearning(TM) while being high - yknow, something that lister does

liability - lorde

“the truth is i am a toy that people enjoy / till all of the tricks don't work anymore / and then they are bored of me” - growing up in the world of fame, constantly being sexualised, nobody knowing how you truly feel, all while feeling distant from your two closest friends has taken a huge toll on lister’s self worth

icarus - bastille

“out on the front doorstep, drinking from a paper cup / you won't remember this / living beyond your years, acting out all their fears / you feel it in your chest” lister “grew up too fast and has been on the verge of death multiple times” bird

hurricane - lord huron

something something lister getting a certain thrill out of living on the edge something something

i swear - exes

more themes of falling apart and getting drunk :(

white wine - walwin

kinda vibes but also comparing somebody you’re attracted to to alcohol....... i mean it’s not the most healthy thing to do especially for lister but he’s trying

saint - vérité

this is about how lister appears to the outside world and how that doesn’t reflect who he is inside - everyone sees him as a cheeky golden boys, as a “saint”, even though he has many issues and hates who he actually is

preacher man - the driver era

shoutout to @listerswift for reccing this song to me. remember when lister said that maybe he should try becoming religious too in the wednesday chapters??? in iana, when he’s gonna try to get better and find something other than alcohol to turn to i feel like there will be a phase where he feels lost and might even entertain the thought of religion. either way, he’s looking for something or someone who will help him “get away from this life of sin”

everything i wanted - gengahr version

(yes this is a cover of the billie eilish song I JUST LOVE THIS VERSION A LOT OKAY) anyway, lister feeling like what he wanted isn’t actually what he needs? feeling alone, like nobody cares about him or is listening to him? feeling the pressures of fame and everyone wanting something from him? themes of insomnia? but still eventually (hopefully) finding comfort in his friends? this song’s got you covered

half the night - couchsleepers

y’know, the fact that jimmy and lister are gonna sleep in the same bed long before they start hooking up to help each other

bravado - yoke lore

bicci song - “little bits of my own little mistakes” (they’ve both fucked up in the past) and “you put songs inside my cells” (because they’re musicians) and also “are there really angels in southern california” (southern california standing for the world of fame, could there be good things there?)

la la - kids in america

“don’t need this attention not another mention / just wanna stay high” a song about just wanting to let go of the world and all its problems

85 - andy grammer

here we explore lister’s relationship with money and wealth - while he grew up poor, after getting money he started splashing out on expensive cars and the like. however, there’s plenty of evidence that points towards the fact that he’ll go back to appreciating the little things in iana and rethink his priorities, which this song expresses

like i love you - lost frequencies

lister wants to know if jimmy loves him the way he loves jimmy

holy ghost - børns

a sexy song with religious symbolism??? that’s very bicci of you børns

run away with me - carly rae jepsen

“do you ever imagine what would happen if we just... ran away?” let the ark run away in iana challenge

bad habits - delaney jane

i do think it’s a sign of progress and improvement when the “bad habit” in question is a passionate but confusing friends-with-benefits affair with your fellow band mate instead of like.... alcohol and smoking and shit

pink lemonade - james bay

i mean my personal theory is that jimmy and lister won’t want to talk about what hooking up means for their relationship/properly define their relationship for quite a while, due to personal issues and also what it means for the band. this song embodies that.

could you love me - kygo

we all know lister’s got some self-esteem and mental health issues, and even though he’s trying to change, he’s unsure if rowan and jimmy could still love him

killer whales - smallpools

a song about a relationship where both parties have difficulties opening up and being completely vulnerable, but eventually being able to get through to each other. it also expresses a great admiration for the person that is sung about which i think is beautiful

pink in the night - mitski

aaaaand one more bicci song for good measure - “and i know i've kissed you before, but / i didn't do it right // can i try again, try again, try again / try again, and again, and again / and again, and again, and again?” - to quote alice, there will be MANY bicci kisses in iana and i, for one, can’t wait

i wanna get better - bleachers

“and i've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause / i froze in time between hearses and caskets / lost control when i panicked at the acid test / i wanna get better” it’s hard to put into words quite the amount of catharsis and a defiant push for self-improvement that is in this song but i like to think lister very much wants that

glitter & gloss - skott

i could honestly analyse each line and how it relates to lister here but here’s a collection of themes: fame, dressing yourself up and almost getting lost in so-called “glitter & gloss” for the public, but still, at your core, finding your true self and knowing that only very few people can truly know you and understand you. i think this is perfect for the end of this playlist because it seems hopeful to me, like lister’s gonna realise that even though most people will never see his true face, that doesn’t matter because he and his loved ones do.

[badbitxhbuckybarnes]

i. The Night We Met (Poe Dameron x Reader)

This short fic is based on Lord Huron’s song titled The Night We Met and for the love of God, this fic will be filled with ANGST.

WARNING: MAJOR ANGST, DEPRESSION, PANIC ATTACKS, ALCOHOLISM

STORY FLOW: PRESENT - PAST - PRESENT

If someone told Poe Dameron that he will be able to find love during such a dangerous times, he’d tell them to fuck straight off. He doesn’t believe he’d ever find love, let alone during a war against the First Order. He’d seen what love did to his comrades, to his friends. To those who waits for their significant others; knowing such dangers they feared. To those who waits for someone who will not be returning. He knows the feeling all too well when his mother passed away after a mission. He’s seen it first hand from his father. Poe Dameron does not fall in love. Poe Dameron will never put such torture to someone.

Some may say he’s married to the Resistance, which he found extremely stupid. He’s dedicated to the cause. So he held his morals up high for the next few years.

Until she came.

Y/N wasn’t interested with the Resistance at first. She thought it was stupid to fight against the First Order, but after she watched her parents murdered by the officers she decided to join the cause, mainly to seek revenge. It was late when she landed on the tarmac. The light coming from the base was the only source of light she had as she turn her engines off.

A couple of engineers stood by to help her out of her father’s A Wing. Poe couldn’t believe what he was watching. He hasn’t seen an A wing since his childhood. To see one in perfect condition such as this one is something Poe look towards.

"Your father knows how to take care of such fine ship," Poe said in awe as his hand dragged along the ship’s body.

"Yeah, he was so keen on taking care of it. I figured, he’d want it fighting for a good cause," she smiled, leaning against the body of the ship as she watched the man looks in amazement.

"My mother used to fly one of this bad boy,"

"Oh, I know," She shrugged.

"You do?" Poe lifted an eyebrow.

"Of course I do. You’re the poster boy. Poe Dameron, right? Your mother was an excellent fighter. My father flew alongside her during the war against the Empire," She smirked. Poe smiled as he lifted his hand.

"Great, so I’m Poe, Poe Dameron; and you are?" He lifted an eyebrow in question.

"I’m Y/N, Y/N Y/L/N," She shook his hand, giving him a smile.

Groaning, Poe woke up from his bed, getting up and pulling his jeans off from the night he crashed in them. He found a note taped on the table.

Feel okay! You have a meeting at 1PM sharp! - Finn :)

He made his way to the refresher and rinsed his face. Looking at the reflection on the mirror, he sighed. The eye bags under his eyes did not give him any chance to look fresh. he sighed again as he moved to the closet. Her side never touched, just the way she left it all those years ago. He takes one look on her jacket that she hung during that day. The day he lost her.

“I love your speech! I’m sure everyone will show up, if they didn’t, they’re stupid enough,” Y/N gushed, full of excitement as she hung her purple jacket, quickly braiding her hair with a smile. She pecked him on the lips as he watched her gather the necessary items she always took when she flew her X Wing.

A picture of her parents and her sister who passed away not too long ago; a picture of Poe and her with BB-8 when the Resistance photographer took a picture of them smiling on the ground with BB-8 in the middle; and her lucky plane necklace she always wear whenever she fly out.

“This is it. This is it, baby,” he pulled her into a hug, arms around her waist and forehead pressed together, nose rubbing gently as they shared a sigh of relief. “We’ll finally have our future,”

“Hm, a house, with two or three little monsters running about. I can’t wait for domestic life,” she smiled, tears in her eyes as she put both hands on his cheek, bringing his lips to her gently, the kiss mixing with the tears running through both of their eyes.

He took his uniform out and shut the closet door without looking back, opting to change outside. He turned to look at BB-8, who was left on his charging station. Its battery was full, it’s not broken, but after she was gone, it’s like the droid lost a part of it. Poe was curious, maybe the droid is able to feel after all. He patted the droid and made his way out of the messy room. But not before taking the small bottle filled with fire whiskey, the only thing keeping him sane.

Everyone moved from him as they passed. The General wasn’t him. Everyone knew that. He died when she disappeared without a trace. The General that used to smile whenever he passed everyone, now kept his eyes straight forward with a scowl on his face. When he entered the Command Center, everyone else grew quiet, except for the other bubbly General.

“Poe! You made it!” He exclaimed, passing a Lieutenant the datapad as he hugged his co-general.

“Yeah, what’s new?” Poe pulled away from the hug quickly, his brows frowning as he stood on deck. Finn’s smile lowered as his friend ignored him. If only Rey was here. Rey was busy off world as she have her own duty as a Jedi.

When Rey knew she didn’t return to base after the final battle, Rey took it upon herself to search for her. She flew the Falcon with Chewie and meet up with the Alliances, searching for survivors of the nasty battle. Though they found none.

The only thing that was recovered was a picture of Poe and her with BB-8. Rey hated to be the bearer of bad news, she tried to delay the message but Poe Dameron is a difficult man. She locked herself in her room back in Ajan Kloss and refused to talk to anyone about her discovery.

It didn’t take Poe long enough before he uses his unlimited access and demanded an explanation on to where Y/N was.

“Rey, tell me the truth. I’ve given you so much fucking time. Tell me where she is,” Poe demanded after three months of total silence from Rey. Three months after total silence. Three months in the dark.

Rey sat still on her bed, her eyes puffed with tiredness and dry tears on her face. She refused to look at him, opting to keep her head down and stare at the interesting floor.

Poe paced in her room with one hand on his hips, the other over his mouth as he tried to control his breathing. He leaned on his knees begged her to look him in the eye. “Rey, please. Please. I have to know where she is. Please,” he whispered.

Rey looked at the man in front of her. Not wanting to break him even more as he stared at her with hope. She hesitantly get up and nervously walk to the table adjacent to the bed. Taking a shield box and her hands shake as she handed it to Poe. “This is what was recovered from the battle,” she whispered, not trusting her own voice. She watched as Poe’s eyes went dim for a minute, the life going away from his eyes.

Poe nervously opened the box and found the picture of them together, the edges burnt off and Poe could visibly take a sharp breath, or tried to until he collapsed on the floor. His knees betraying him as his breathing beginning to stop. The picture falling down from his hands as it shakes violently with pain. “No. No,” He denied. “Rey, where is she? Where is she, Rey? This is some sick fucking joke you two planned huh? Where is she? Where the fuck is she, Rey?” His voice getting louder and louder that by the end of his sentence he screamed out loud.

Rey sat beside him as he sobbed. The man sobbed hard as Rey pulled him to her embrace. The sound so painful that she had to mentally tune them out. A crowd gathered in front of her room, curious about what was happening with the screaming and sobbing that was happening in her room. Though, as soon as they figured out what happened, the whole base turned into a grieving stance. The whole hallways heard the gut-wrenching sobs of their general as they mourned for the lost comrade. Another fresh wound to add.

“There are no new updates from the other Senators. The last planet we’ve left seems to be in good hands with the new Commander we’ve assigned to,” Finn explained, showing the planets on the outer rim of the galaxy and videos of the inhabitants receiving the help they’ve sent.

“Poe, we’re thinking of sending an agent to Exegol following the rumor of First Order sympathizers making the whole place a shrine for the fallen First Order,” Finn broke the news. At the mention of the place, Poe’s head snapped towards Finn.

“Why? Who are you planning to send?” He frowned.

“Well, I was hoping you’d lead the mission,” Finn murmured.

“What?” Poe looks perplexed at the idea, which he was.

“You heard me. You should lead the mission. You know Exagol in and out, you’ve seen the layout.” Finn explained.

“Appreciate the thought, but I’m not going. Why don’t we send Yennefer and the Black Squadron?” Poe suggested.

“Yennefer and the Black Squadron is rendezvousing with Rey for covert mission,”

“Finn, the last time I lead a mission there I nearly lost the whole Resistance,”

“Poe, you saved us back there,”

“With the help of other allies. Without them I was just leading all of them to death like a damn fool,”

“You helped us win the war,” Finn had the last word.

“What’s the point of winning the war when you lost nearly half a battalion?” Poe scoffed.

“Poe, everyone knew what they were sacrificing. Their lives for the freedom of others. Everyone knew that,” Finn argued.

“I don’t care. I’m not leading them to their deaths. You can find someone else to lead but I’m not it,” Poe dismissed, walking away from the meeting.

“Then I can’t help but demote you, General,” Finn finally said. Everyone on Command Center grew quiet with it. So quiet that you can hear a pin drop.

Poe stopped his footsteps and turned around. “You can’t do that,” he whispered.

“Yes I can. We’ve talked about it. The other High Ranking officials, you’re not fit for work. Not for the past three years. Shit, you barely even fly anymore,”

“I’ve done more than you could have ever done for the Resistance,” Poe hissed.

“Then do it again. Lead us, Poe. General Organa pointed you as her successor. Do your job. If not for her or me, then do it for her,” Finn finally said.

That truly broke Poe. He took a deep breath and watched everyone else in that room. “One more mission. Then I’m done. I’m done with this whole thing,”

“That’s all we need,” Finn breathe a sigh of relief. Poe rejoined the group and followed whatever Finn got in plan for the mission.

[dwaynepride]

fading light of the setting sun

summary: dwayne tries to be there for reader in the aftermath of douglas hamilton.

words: 3,421

warnings: spoilers for 4x08, 4x10, and 6x10, nsfw, female reader

tags: @stanathanxoox​​ @pageofultron​​ @6adb0y​​ @thegoodlonelydalek​​ @consultingdoctorwholock​​ @starryrevelations​​ @thebeckyjolene​​ @diaryofafan17​​ @specialagentlokitty​​  

a/n: this is part 2 of a 2-part fic. both parts are based off of ‘setting sun’ by lord huron

PART 1

Tell me, when did I lose your love?   Was it him you were thinking of     All those nights when you made me swoon       Making love beneath the moon?

Dwayne is certain that his blood must be on fire.

He can barely breathe. Lost the ability to think just as soon as your hands ran down the skin of his chest. They left behind such an impression that Dwayne knows he’ll feel your touch for days afterward. And your hands - they never left his body. Even now, he feels them; one on his shoulder for leverage, the other on his back, nails digging into his skin.

In all honesty, Dwayne is shocked he’s lasted this long already. Your first little moan of his name realistically should’ve made him cum alone. That look in your eye after he’d gone down on you should’ve put him out of commission. You’re dangerous and you don’t even know it.

And yet, Dwayne is still rocking against you. A hand gripping his backboard while the other is tangled in the sheets. He might’ve been able to keep his own orgasm back before, but it’s getting so much harder now. Every deep thrust, every single time you cry out, every wriggle of your hips - it’s starting to become too much. Dwayne’s face is buried in your neck, eyes screwed shut, focused on keeping himself at bay until you cum. Just one more time.

“You’re so fucking good, sweetheart. So good for me. Wanna hear you cum again,” he mumbles in your ear. Honestly, it took all his brainpower to even speak.

But he’s a quick learner. He’s picked up how your legs tighten around his waist whenever he starts goading you on. Dwayne notices it even now - the nails in his back scouring even deeper. Your moans getting higher. A growing tenseness in your body that tells him you’re getting closer for the second time tonight.

He bets that Hamilton could never have made you cum twice in a row.

So he picks up the pace. Goes even deeper and Dwayne knows he hit a fucking perfect spot by the way you suddenly cry out. It nearly sends a shiver down his spine, but he pulls his focus back in. “You close, honey? Gonna cum for me again?” He pants out. God, it’s getting hard to talk....

Your head bobs in a desperate nod. And it only takes two more thrusts of his hips before you’re cumming around him. Clinging to him just as tightly as Dwayne clings to you. Reveling in the feel of his body moving against yours, and this time, he really does shiver when you start moaning out loud.

“Fuck, fuck- god,” you’re choking out the words. It only serves as initiative for Dwayne to keep going. “Fuck- Douglas! Oh my god...”

He was on the very edge. About to follow you over and cum with a groan of your name and it would’ve been about as close to heaven as Dwayne could be. He could almost taste it.

But he stopped. He had to. It was a raw, sudden shock that made Dwayne stop moving his hips. And when he pulled his face away from your neck, eyes coming up to see your face, your eyes weren’t even open. Clearly still lost in your own pleasure, but Dwayne doesn’t look away. His limbs are trembling from the sudden halt of his orgasm - or maybe it’s because you’d just cried out Hamilton’s name.

Slowly, your eyes blink open with tiny smile gracing your lips. A sight that surely would’ve warmed him before. You see his face, outlined with the moonlight that filters in through the window.

And instantly, you realize why Dwayne looks like you’d just shot his dog.

He lets out a shaky exhale, and finally moves away. Pulls out and climbs off, tugging the sheets to wrap around his waist. Dwayne not even sure what to say. What can he say?

So you’re the one who speaks, instantly sitting up and leaning toward him. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” you tell him. Voice tight and keening and not something Dwayne likes to hear. “I just- it just came out. I didn’t mean it, Dwayne. I’m so, so sorry.”

For a moment, he doesn’t look at you. It would hurt a little too much to see you, right now. His chest feels like its been cracked open, and Dwayne finds that his limbs are still shaking slightly. He feels like he might just start screaming. And maybe he should have; maybe it would’ve made him feel better. But when Dwayne finally looks over to you - sees your sad and torn up expression - he knows he’d be physically incapable of shouting at you. Doesn’t want to make you feel worse.

Dwayne knows you’ve gone through a lot with Douglas. Gone through a terrible heartache. Maybe it’s unfair to expect you to be able to completely drop all your feelings for Hamilton - as much as Dwayne thinks it should be easy.

You’re still adjusting, he tells himself.

It’s difficult, but he offers a tight smile. Raises a hand to rest along your cheek. And when Dwayne leans in, you follow his lead, and he kisses you softly. “It’s alright. I’m not mad,” he says lowly.

Now, it’s your turn to be speechless. Perhaps you were expecting Dwayne to be furious with you. But honestly, he can’t just force you to stop loving Douglas. He’ll just have to work harder to help you get past him.

Your own hand comes up, curling around the back of Dwayne’s neck and tugging him closer. Prompting him to lie down, and he follows you readily. Settling in beside you, Dwayne presses a small kiss on your shoulder. A little peace offering, despite his churning stomach.

Slowly, your hand runs back down the length of his body. Fingers following every curve and line over his chest and stomach, and it isn’t until you reach his happy trail does Dwayne catch on to your plan.

You knew he hadn’t cum yet. You’re trying to make things even.

But he’s just not in the mood.

His hand catches yours before you can reach him, and to keep from hurting you further, Dwayne brings it up to press a kiss against your wrist. “Actually, I just wanna get to sleep - if that’s alright with you.”

Your eyes flash with surprise in the lowlight, but you don’t argue.

And that night, Dwayne falls asleep wrapped around you, chest to back, with his face hiding against the back of your neck. Wishing he could get the sound of your voice out of his head.

-

Were you dreaming of his touch?   When you couldn't get enough     Was there truth in the songs you sung?       Little girl, you're not so young.

There’s no real attempt in trying to play any semblance of a song. Dwayne doesn’t even try - he simply lets his fingers trail over the keys in any way they want. He’s much too preoccupied to think about playing anything.

Danny was safe. He knew that. The young man was home with Loretta and Dwayne fulfilled his promise to find and save him.

Shockingly, none of that makes him feel any better.

Dwayne hears the doors open, but he doesn’t look up to greet whoever came in. Can’t be bothered. His gaze sits on the piano keys, his mind going over the events of the day.

Though, your voice helps ground him - just a little. “I know you guys finished up early today, but I wasn’t expecting anybody to come over yet,” you speak up. Voice bright and chipper and everything Dwayne is not.

You don’t know about what happened to Danny. Unaware of the lines Dwayne had just crossed so readily.

He can’t find the words to respond with, and that’s what prompts you closer. This time, when you speak, there’s a careful concern in your tone. “Is everything okay, Dwayne?”

This time, he shrugs. And usually, Dwayne might’ve brushed off your question. This was not your burden to carry. He knows you’ve been going through a lot - he shouldn’t just dump it all on you. And yet, the weight of it is too much. He sighs. “I did something today,” he says lowly. “Something I shouldn’t have done. It was for a good reason, I guess, but it scares me that I did it.”

You’re quiet, but eventually, he hears your footfalls come toward him until your sitting beside him on the piano bench. And as your hand comes to settle on his shoulder, Dwayne reflexively exhales. Truly, it’s amazing what your touch does to him.

“I know you’ve had a hard few months. With your job and the bar and...” you trail off. And Dwayne nearly flinches when you finally say his name, “and Douglas. But you’re one of the best people I know. You’re a good man, and I care a lot about you. I wanna be here for you, if you need me.”

Immediately, his head swivels around to look at you. Meeting his eyes, you offer a smile. Hoping it would lighten his mood, a little.

Dwayne is not so naive, though - not naive enough to think that perhaps, your words went deeper than how they sounded. That maybe, despite the scars that Douglas left behind, you’d feel for him even a fraction of what he feels for you.

Dwayne knows you care about him, but not in the way he wants.

Still, this day wore him down. His heart is heavy, soul tapped dry, and you’re right there. It’s natural to lean in, loop his arms around your waist and push his face into the crook of your neck. Your arms come around his shoulders, hands running up and down his back. Despite everything, Dwayne feels a bit more at ease. More at home, even if he knows it’s not really his.

His eyes fall shut, exhaling against your skin, and he just lets go. “I love you,” Dwayne mumbles. Barely audible to himself.

“What’d you say?” You ask him.

“...Nothing.”

-

Well, I could never betray your love   You had me, heart and soul     You might never have known it, girl,       But I was all yours.

Sometimes, the universe loved to test Dwayne Pride.

He knew this, of course. It feels like his entire life has been a test. An experiment of how much he can take, how he handles it all, and what happens after.

But even the universe goes too far, sometimes.

Dwayne rubs his hands over his face, leaning back in his chair for just a moment. After everything he’s done and sacrificed and risked to put Douglas Hamilton in jail, he might be going free. The team has been scrambling to try and figure out who his partner could be, but there may not be enough time. His trial is only in a couple days.

Talking to him with Gregorio resulted in nothing but a screaming match. It seems Dwayne hasn’t been able to quite stifle his burning hatred of the man.

His attention breaks from his thoughts, however, when Dwayne hears your voice calls his name. Hands falling away, he looks up to see you marching right into the office with a perplexed Roy peeking in from outside. You looked very worked up. Dwayne stands to come around his desk.

“When were you going to tell me?”

He blinks in surprise at your harsh tone. “Tell you what?”

“About Douglas. That he’s appealing his trial? He might get out of prison?” You shoot off each word like a bullet as you walk up to him. Your eyes are wide and angry and searching for answers and Dwayne can barely meet them.

He knew he probably should’ve told you before. Sat you down and explained it before you heard from the media. But it was too hard a conversation to have. Thinking about it made his blood boil, and Dwayne was aware of your lingering feelings. Honestly, he didn’t know how you’d take it.

He scrambles for an answer. “I’ve been busy, sweetheart-”

“Busy trying to keep him in jail, you mean.”

Your words throw him back, a little. Dwayne’s eyebrows knit together in a frown as he nods. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” He asks.

“Dwayne, if he’s trying to appeal his case, then that means he’s innocent,” you tell him. He can hardly believe what he’s hearing. “That you made a mistake.”

It’s difficult to nail down a singular emotion that he’s feeling. Confusion, mostly, of why you’d think Douglas was innocent. Maybe a little hurt that you’d be so quick to turn on him. And there’s anger in his stomach, too. That you’d believe Hamilton over him.

“I didn’t make a mistake,” Dwayne says with a shake of his head, his tone growing a bit harder. “Douglas is guilty, sweetheart - he’s making a deal-”

“Don’t call me that.” You’re looking real angry, right now. Mimicking Dwayne’s hard frown. Though, he suspects he can’t begin to match that hot look in your eye; it almost makes him look away. “You hate him so much, you’ll let him rot in jail for the rest of his life. Do you know what I’ve been through? Trying to come to terms that Douglas might not have been who I thought he was?”

You’re almost yelling, now. Dwayne’s shifts his weight, and he wants to cut in to try and calm you down. But you’re not stopping. “I’ve been trying to push down my feelings because every time I look at you, I just think about Douglas and I feel so damn guilty about what happened. And you won’t even admit that you could’ve gotten it all wrong!”

By now, his anger had deflated. And he’s just watching you with sad, cautious eyes. All these months, Dwayne had just hoped that maybe, if he’d been there for you, those feelings might start to fade. That you’d move on, eventually.

But now, learning that those feelings only brought you guilt and shame....

Dwayne felt like he might throw up.

He steps closer, reaching out and putting a hand on your arm. But you pull away from him. It’s like a punch to the gut. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “I truly am. I never wanted you to feel guilty, and I’d never do anything to hurt you. But believe me when I say that Douglas Hamilton is guilty. I’m completely sure of that.”

Your eyes fall shut and you step away from him with a shake of your head. Dwayne watches the tears well up in your eyes. How you’re starting to slip away from him, and he starts getting desperate. Grasping at anything that will keep you here. He could pull you to his desk; show you the evidence he has against the former Mayor. But he can’t move. He can only speak from the heart.

“I love you.”

Within a second, your eyes connect with his. Wide, pink with tears. A breath caught in your lungs, but he keeps going. “I have for a long time now. I love you so damn much, and it never mattered to me that you weren’t ever really over him. Because I wanted to be there for you. And I needed you with me. I love you, and that’s why I’ve always tried to protect you.”

He can’t breathe. Can’t move. His hands tremble slightly as you take in his words. And for a moment, Dwayne feels hope rise in his chest. Maybe you’ll believe him finally. Maybe you’ll see that your love for Hamilton has been blinding you, and that Dwayne was right. Maybe you’ll hold him and kiss him and apologize for things that you really don’t need to apologize for because Dwayne has already forgiven you.

But then you take a step away from him. Your head shakes, eyes falling away, and Dwayne feels like his chest has just been cracked open. “I can’t do this, Dwayne. I can’t. Not anymore.”

His body is numb. Mouth dry. Mind blank.

“Maybe there was a time where I felt- thought I felt something for you. But it’s too much. Every time I look at you, I just see the person who took Douglas away from me.”

You say nothing else, because everything’s been said already. A tear falls down your cheek as you finally turn away from him and walk out.

The last Dwayne sees is you wiping away a tear. A tear he caused.

-

I know I’ll never reclaim your love   And that’s just how it goes     I ain’t the person I was this morning       When the sun rose

“428 West 27th. New York, New York. 10012.”

Hearing Eddie Barrett recite that address felt like being dipped in ice cold water. Dwayne barely had time to listen to it - understand it - before Eddie speaks up again. “Laurel, right? That’s where your daughter lives?” He asks. A rhetorical question.

Dwayne doesn’t respond. Doesn’t give him the satisfaction of a reply. He just keeps the barrel of his gun pointed at the other man, daring him to try something. And Dwayne still had hopes that he’ll be able to take him in. That his team will show up.

But the son of a bitch keeps talking. “4702 Perrier Street. New Orleans, Louisiana. 70115.”

And instantly, Dwayne gets nauseous. His gun suddenly weighs about thirty pounds heavier and he has to lower it. Has to grip it tight to hide the light tremble of his hands.

“That’s Y/N’s address, if I’m not mistaken,” Barrett tells him calmly. A light smirk comes to his face and Dwayne wants to beat it off of him. “Though, I don’t think she stays there, too often.”

“Stop,” Dwayne finally utters out.

“From what I’m told, she’s takes a lot of visits to the State Penitentiary. Visits a man - what’s his name?” Eddie pauses, as if feigning to remember.

Dwayne has to remind himself to breathe. To think past the slow boil of his blood and the sickening churn of his stomach. He won’t give Eddie Barrett what he wants. “I said stop.”

“Oh, that’s right. It’s Douglas Hamilton.” Dwayne grits his teeth at the mention of that name. “But I’m sure she comes around her apartment sometimes.”

It’s a reflex to stop closer to Barrett. Raise his gun just slightly. Stare into the eyes of the man who’s staring right back, so confident in his control. “You think I can’t get to them? No matter where you put me? You think I don’t still have people willing to do anything I ask?”

Problem is, Dwayne doesn’t doubt that. Not for a second. Maybe Laurel might be safe. Maybe she could be a little too far out of Eddie’s grasp for him to reach and maybe her boyfriend can protect her. But you? Well, you’ve already made it clear to Dwayne that you wanted nothing to do with him. That likely means his protection, as well.

He couldn’t let Eddie play him like this. Dwayne raises the gun to point at him once again. “I’m bringing you in,” he forces out. Hoping his voice sounds solid and confident - anything other than how he feels.

“Christopher LaSalle and his brother were just a small taste of what I’m capable of,” Eddie muses out.

Dwayne shakes his head fervently. “I’m not one of your followers.”

“No. Worse. You’re someone who actually believes he’s in control. But I will drag you into the chaos and this will never end.”

All his crazy, pretentious words start to become white noise. Something Dwayne can’t fully focus on, because he’s not naive. He knows Eddie isn’t just bluffing. He knows the power he has and Dwayne may not be able to stop him, even in jail. But then Eddie says something that snaps something inside of Dwayne. Says something that he can’t block out, even if he tried.

“And I’ll start with that woman you love so much. Her blood will be splattered all over the walls, and it’ll be your fault-”

Three gunshots fill the air, one after another. They silence the white noise.

Seems like protecting you is just gut instinct.

-

I know I’ll never replace your love   And that’s as hard as it gets     So I’ll be taking a life this evening       When the sun sets

[the-bottom-of-the-abyss]

A Playlist on Paradoxical Love

This is a true story about the abuse I suffered from a past relationship that I wrote for a college class. I feel that sharing may help me but also others in identifying abuse and/or helping others heal. 

I have no idea if anyone will ever read this but it was so, so hard to write but in the end, getting my feelings out in one place seemed to help

HUGE TRIGGER WARNINGS: nongraphic sexual assault, mentions of rape, mentions of suicide, emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, coercion, self deprecation

The Night We Met

The Night We Met by Lord Huron; This was our song, one that we thought was of love and fortune, but turned out to be of love and regret. The lyrics rang truer the longer we were together.

It was a warm and sunny day when she first met him. He was a new student from California, coming to her small town in West Virginia and happened to be in the percussion section with her in band. His voice caused butterflies to make a home in her young heart, igniting a spark she had not felt in the fifteen years she had been alive. He made her feel like she was something to want, always listening when others would not.

The week she met him other members of the band were going to a Drum Corps International show in Pittsburgh. Seeing it as an opportunity to get to know one another, the girl volunteered her mother to drive the girl and boy.

Her mother obliged, picking them up from the school parking lot and listened to the conversation being had in the backseat. The boy told the girl of a family full of abuse and an absence of love. The young girl felt her heart grow heavier with each story he recounted. He told her about his stepmother clawing his face, leaving the scar beneath his left eye. She wanted nothing but to heal the pain he held in his heart, to absorb all the hurt he felt.

By the end of the night, he had asked her to be his girlfriend to her delight. After dropping the boy off at his house, her mother turned to look at her with knowing eyes. She didn’t want her daughter hanging out with the boy; he was only trouble. The girl did not listen, deciding that her mother didn’t understand him. She wasn’t there when he made her laugh or looked at her like she hung the stars.

Her adamancy to be with him only grew. As a gift celebrating one month of being together, he gave her a box of things that reminded him of her. Inside, there were the type of mechanical pencils she liked with the thin lead she insisted on using. He picked out colored pens, knowing her obsession with collecting them and also put in scented hand sanitizer, knowing that she was running out of the bottle attached to her purse. To top it off there was a king size Kit-Kat bar, her favorite candy. The girl had never received a gift so thoughtful from anyone. No one had ever spent the time to curate something just for her.

He swept her off her feet and she couldn’t have been more infatuated. 

***

Sometimes I look back to that girl and wonder how she didn’t see the danger. I was naïve then, so young and unafraid of the world. Other times I know her naivety wasn’t her fault. How was I supposed to know that the person that told me they loved me would become a monster?

His words were like honey, always promising to give me the world and more, appealing to my doe-eyed view of his love. He would listen to my ramblings and musings about life that most people I knew avoided for the sake of saving time. His touches were soft and gentle in a way I could have only dreamed of. I couldn’t have known that those sweet words would turn to phrases that felt like poison, subtle when spoken but deadly when left to linger. I couldn’t have known that the same ears that listened to me would become the same that ignored my pleas for him to hear what I was saying and not twist my words. I couldn’t have known that those hands that held mine would become the same that forced me to please him after I told him no.

My mother was right and in typical teenager fashion, I ignored her advice.

Tennessee Whiskey

Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton; We went to Tennessee but in addition to that, the lyrics of the song spoke to how warm and cared for he made me feel.

The sun-kissed days of summer gently rolled into the cool, crisp season of fall. While the breeze strengthened day by day, so did their relationship. She swore she had never been so happy, standing tall by his side, feeling like a goddess in his cornflower blue gaze. When it was announced the band would be traveling to Nashville, she excitedly waited for the day for the charter buses to arrive in the cracked parking lot of her school.

October had granted them a clear day for departure, and she sat in the seat next to him, watching mountains she grew up in turn to flat plains of the Midwest. The bus was loud, filled with gleeful voices of their peers, but talking to him made it fade into the background.

She suggested taking a small nap, to help pass the hours of driving straight ahead. He declined, explaining he was an insomniac, and told her to rest without him. The girl convinced him to lay on her lap and decided to sing softly to him, as he did tell her once she had the voice of an angel. Somber tones of “The A Team” by Ed Sheeran floated from her to him for an hour before his breathing evened out.

The first day in Athens of the South flew by, taken up by the bone-tired exhaustion of the long trip and unpacking. On their second day, she dressed in her jazz band uniform, preparing for their recording in Studio B. The boy complimented her red blouse and dress pants as she stepped out of the hotel elevator, making her blush. She thought the uniform was unflattering and too formal to be worthy of his praise.

After the recording, the boy hugged her and told her how good she did and how proud he was. Proud. Someone was proud of her, of her performance. People had told her that she had talent and extended their compliments but none of it meant as much as his.

When the trip ended, she was woeful wishing for more time to escape any commitments back in her hometown. She reminded herself that there was always the Friday night lights that graced their football field and the memories it would bring. The girl was so excited to spend those nights on the field with the boy. The band would dive into the halftime show and afterwards, she could show him what a pepperoni roll was.

*** I sometimes look at pictures I still have from the trip to Nashville. I looked so happy and sure of myself. I thought of myself as a true grown-up back then, not knowing what the future would bring. He was so good to me, and even though there were signs here and there, nothing stood out as dangerous. There was no blaring siren, screeching to evacuate before the ship went down. We had only been dating a few months then, but he told me he felt like he knew my soul from a past life. He knocked on the door to my heart, and I opened it without a second thought, believing every promise he made.

I’m Your Puppet

I’m Your Puppet by Gregory and The Hawk; the lyrics “and I’ll undress, if you need it. But please don’t need it” is an accurate way to tell how fucked up my psyche was after this.

They were on the way home from a friend’s graduation party; it was exuberant, a great celebration of their mutual friend. The boy asked the girl if she wanted to pull over somewhere and fool around. It wasn’t even close to being the first time they had been together like that; they were actually each other’s first times. She was a little reluctant, hesitating to do anything that may land her in trouble. He told her that everything would be fine, so she relented, and the car pulled behind a small row of storage containers.

They both climbed in the backseat. A kiss was shared between the two, only lasting a few seconds before the boy pulled away from the girl’s shining lips.

“Can you give me a blowjob?” He asked her, looking with pleading eyes. “I don’t really want to,” she said, evading his piercing gaze, “I’m not really feeling it.” His face twisted, showing his disapproval at her response. “Come on, you never want to.

What happened to the girl who said she’d always be down to do stuff like this?” “No,” she told him, “I don’t want to.” The girl only had done it a few times, but she had almost thrown up once, and she didn’t want a repeat of that. She hoped that refusing again would make him stop asking.

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, “This is what you do when you’re in a relationship.” The girl went to object but didn’t get the chance. He opened the door and got out of the car, pulling her with him so they were standing in the gravel.

“I don’t want to,” the girl said, feeling panic rise, “let’s just have sex instead.”

“It won’t take very long,” he urged with a forceful edge that made her insides twist. With that, he put pressure on her shoulder to have her sink to her knees.

He said it wouldn’t take very long but it felt like eons to her. The rocks in the gravel pushed into the skin on her knees and that’s what she focused on. If she focused only on the pain, maybe everything else would cease to exist. She knew the boy saw tears rolling down her cheeks and heard the small, muffled sobs that escaped her. He only looked at her with lust, not giving a damn about how she was terrified, how he was making her feel.

After he finished, he pulled her up off the rocks, and helped her back in the car. Only once she felt the leather below her did she begin to full out sob. Instead of the harsh figure from moments before, she was met with the boy she knew, the one who loved her.

He pulled the girl into his lap and rocked her as she cried. “Shh,” he cooed. “I’m so sorry, I never should have done that. Please forgive me.” The girl nodded and buried her face in the crook of his neck, letting herself be calmed by his soothing voice. “We don’t have to do anything else,” he said.

To prove to him that she forgave him, she shook her head. “No, it’s fine,” she sniffled, “I’m fine.”

Once it was over, they drove home in complete silence.

 ***

That day still haunts me. It wasn’t the first time he had coerced me into something. It was far from the last, but it was the one time he legitimately forced me to do something I didn’t want to do and acknowledge it.

I blocked it out for a long time, trying to go on with life as normal. I only realized how wrong it was when I talked to a friend of mine who went through something similar. Even then, I brushed it off and told myself he didn’t mean it. It took even longer for me to see it as sexual assault. I still only remember the overview of what happened, the rest is somewhere in my mind, somewhere that it can’t hurt me. The one thing I remember is the gravel on my knees. The indents I saw when I got home that afternoon were the only things showing that it had truly happened.

This point marked when he knew he could manipulate me. I was so scared of doing something wrong, of disappointing people, disappointing him. At the notion I was beginning to become something he didn’t like, I tried my hardest to become what he said he needed.

If I think about what happened too much, I feel sick, like I need to take a scalding shower and scrub the memory out of existence.

Poison

Poison by Sofia Mills; This song brought me back to the hazy feeling of being high out of my mind and believing my person was the one pushing the drugs into my hands.

She had never gotten high before. The boy once told her he would never touch a drug, but that statement faded into explanations about how he wanted to live life. She was wary, weed was very different from the nicotine they both let swirl in their lungs. He told her for two months about how great it was until she agreed to try. She lied to her parents; the couple had been dating for a little over a year, but the girl’s parents still tried to limit their time together. Instead, she told them it would be a few of her friends from band sleeping over and that the boy wouldn’t be there.

The smoke burned in her chest; it left a distinct aftertaste she wouldn’t forget. Everything was fine until her body started to reject the hazy feeling trying to overtake her. She got sick, a feeling she absolutely loathed. Her friends gave her water and she sat curled in a ball on a chair outside, shivering as the high feeling started to crescendo. The boy stayed outside and told her she’d be okay. He grabbed a wet washcloth and dabbed her clothes before cleaning the hair framing her face. It was in that moment that she only thought of him.

No one else would ever do this for me, she thought. He loves me more than anyone ever has. I am so lucky.

*** That wasn’t the last time I got high. We would smoke at our friend’s house every weekend, spending lazy evenings in each other’s’ arms. That night in particular, I felt so special that someone other than my own mother would clean me up after getting sick and later help me feebly crawl up the stairs.

Wrong Direction

Wrong Direction by Hailee Steinfield; the lyrics “Every time you burn me down, don’t know how, for a moment, it felt like heaven” kind of explains what it was like when looking back on abusive relationships. Back then, the moment of the apology felt like a huge act of love, but now it’s obvious it was just an empty promise.

She had just gotten off a shift at work and got into his car, the clock showing a time around ten at night. The girl already told him that she felt too tired to do anything, but she would be alright for just cuddling before he drove her home. He nodded and drove across the street to the abandoned K-Mart and parked in the middle of the barren lot.

They got in the backseat and she leaned her head on his shoulder and told him about a tough customer she had to deal with. The boy listened to her and waited until her rant flickered into silence.

“Are you sure you don’t want to do anything?”

“Yeah,” she replied, “I’m so exhausted, I’ve been on my feet all day and worked an eight- hour shift.”

“Come on,” he urged, “we never do anything anymore.” She felt exhaustion seeping into her bones, and for the first time, didn’t give in, “No, I am too tired, I want to go home and sleep.”

Instead of agreeing she should get some sleep, he shrugged her head off his shoulder. She tried to reach for his arm, but he yanked it away from her and harshly rolled his eyes. “Babe?” She asked, not fully understanding what was happening.

The boy ignored her concerned gaze and opened the backseat door, loudly slamming it shut before getting into the driver’s seat. The girl took it as her cue to get into the passenger’s side. As he started the car, she once again reached for his hand that rested on the gear shift. Without looking in her direction, he moved his hand to the steering wheel, so quickly that it seemed as though her touch burned him. A permanent scowl took resident on his face and she tried again to talk to him.

“Babe? Please talk to me,” she pleaded, feeling the dread crawl into her throat. With no response, tears started to fall. The road to her house felt so much longer, filled with continuous pleas for him to talk to her, to say anything.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, “I was just really tired. I’m really sorry, please forgive me.” There was no mistaking the sorrow in her voice, the boy knew she was crying, even if he refused to look.

He pulled into her driveway, looking straight ahead as she gathered her coat and purse. Before getting out she tried to lean over to kiss him, but he leaned away.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated before getting out, “I love you.” To her surprise, he didn’t respond. When she shut the door, he immediately backed out, leaving her tear-stained and feeling helpless.

When the boy apologized to her the next day, she forgave him immediately. 

***

I have read that emotional abusers utilize the silent treatment because of how effective it is. After refusing him, the stonewalling struck me at my core, my worst fear coming true: becoming something he didn’t want anymore. I never stood my ground again after that. When he would want sex after that night, it would go one of two ways. I would still say no about ten times before he pulled a line that made me so full of guilt that I did what he wanted, or I promised “next time.”

In My Veins

In My Veins by Andrew Belle; This song really emphasizes the pain of the hole that is left when someone with such a stable place in your life. It feels like all that is left is their ghost.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore, Emily.” “What? What are you even talking about?” “I just need to find myself.” “What the fuck does that even mean? How can you just leave? I love you, please, we can work it out.”

“I’m sorry, I just think it’s for the best.”

*** The first time we broke up was over the phone while I was on a weekend vacation. It came after I kept pushing him to apply to college since he was going to be graduating later that year. I calculated what it would cost for him to live off minimum wage while paying rent and he got so angry. He broke up with me because he was getting annoyed with my insistence on going to college or a technical school. He hated when I got on him to not skip school or to stop smoking so much weed. He made me feel like I was so awful for trying to help him succeed. No one has ever made me feel like a burden in the way he did.

A week after, he came to my house and told me that he didn’t realize what he had until it was gone and I ultimately took him back, truly believing he would change.

Terrible Love

Terrible Love by The National; this point really marked the realization that I was in a toxic cycle of what I thought was love.

It was about thirty minutes before the girl was to perform with the jazz band for a Christmas concert. She had asked the boy to come, but he said he had plans already. This wasn’t surprising considering he left early from school on her birthday to get high. The girl settled for texting him instead.

She asked him what he was up to and he replied that he didn’t want to tell her, as she would get upset. Immediately, the girl felt worry build. Thousands of possibilities fleeted across her consciousness of he was indulging in. After pleading for him to tell her, for her own sanity, he relented and told her that he was going to be doing MDMA for the first time with a mutual friend he lived with. The girl felt irritation mixed with desperation bubble up inside her. He swore he would never do anything besides smoke weed but once again, he trampled over any promises ever made.

She texted him a long paragraph about how irresponsible it was and that he could get into so much trouble. He told her how uptight she was and how she was keeping him from living his life. The girl was fed up and told him not to text her for the rest of the night. It was a justified reaction, but her anxiety only told her she was a shitty partner for not indulging him.

She was so upset, so anxious about what he was doing and how in the recent months had been throwing his life away. He had recently began insisting that he would be fine living off of her in the future until he figured out what to do. The night went on with her panic staying at a fever pitch.

The next day the girl texted her best friend, the same one he was with, and ranted about the situation, hoping that the friend would see why she was so torn up. They had the following exchange:

The girl: He even said I wasn’t going to like what you guys were going to do. Because he knew I’d be super against it. But he said it was fine and it wasn’t a big deal and that I was overreacting. I don’t think I am. I just needed someone to talk to last night because I cried and just went over in my head what the hell I could do to help him. It’s not just this. It’s all of it. He doesn’t do his homework, skips school, or leaves because he feels like it, has no motivation and no desire to do the things he needs to. When you love someone so much all you want to do is see them succeed. Idk maybe I’m just an uptight bitch and a shit person but I do know I want the best for him.

Friend: You act like I want to see him fail. I don’t, Emily. I want him to succeed just as much as you do but I also want him to live his life to the fullest. Everyone needs to have quality of life or it isn’t worth living.

The girl: I never said you wanted to. I know you want to see him succeed just as much as I do. But I know for a fact if he doesn’t get himself together, there’s not much of a life to live. It sucks but life is hard and it’s not easy. No matter who you are, it’s never going to be easy. If he doesn’t graduate high school, there’s not much he can do. Even fast-food places can only pay minimum wage without a high school diploma and to be a manager you need a high school diploma. I’m looking for his future, not the next few months. If he wants to live in an apartment, he needs money. His dad isn’t always going to give him that. To get money, a decent job is required. Minimum wage won’t be enough. And he just doesn’t care. I try to make up for it and I try and try to push him to do his homework, to study, to make good grades. But it never works.

Friend: I’m upset rn so I’m not going to respond atm. I will text you later and we can talk about it then, okay?

The girl: Okay be safe. Please don’t show him all this unless you think necessary. I don’t want him to be mad at me because it makes me feel like the shittiest person on earth when people are mad at how I feel and like I shouldn’t tell people how I feel anymore.

*** It is hard to explain the way I felt when he told me he was going to do MDMA. My reaction wasn’t due to the drug itself, but more about the stereotypical, lazy deadbeat he had become. He once tried to impress me by telling me he brought up an 8% to a 32% in an easy class.

I felt responsible for the way he was. I thought I could fix him, that I would be able to pull him out of the headspace he was in and bring him back to who he used to be. Back then, I didn’t realize he had always been that way, only getting more obvious because I never called him out on it, save for a few times.

I recently found those texts while drafting out this paper. Reading them teleports me into the headspace I once held. Back then, I believed that I needed to help him along with the small voice that told me he was right, that I was overreacting. Now I know that my reaction was justified, I should’ve held him accountable by breaking up with him on the spot. But like many times before, I didn’t. I clung on to the hope that not all was lost, there was still time.

Honey and Milk

Honey and Milk by Flower Face; there are some lyrics in this song that really frame how the end of such a toxic relationship felt like. “And the love you made me fight for was never love at all. The red light shines through the window and I’ve got a black eye for every bed you’ve made. The honey and milk on my fingertips was never enough to make you stay.”

It was mid-April, spring out in full force when she couldn’t get ahold of him. Most days, she would have chalked it up to him deciding he wasn’t in the mood to go to school, but the day before, he swore he’d be there.

Halfway through the day, she saw him approaching in the hallway. The relief that filled her didn’t last long, though.

“We got busted last night,” he told her. “What?” “Yeah, we got caught with weed in the car and I got a drug charge.” The girl shouldn’t have been so shocked, but she was. Even worse, she shouldn’t have felt relief that he was handing her a reason to leave him on a silver platter. She finally had enough of the coercion in the bedroom, his confidence that she would never leave, and feeling like a burden.

“I can’t believe this,” she stated, shaking her head. “I’ll talk to you later; I need to think.”

The girl called him later, knowing that if she saw his face, she wouldn’t go through with it. She told him that she was done. He cried for the first time over her and told her that he wanted to take his own life. He went on for hours about how he was going to kill himself without her. The girl felt guilt settle in the forefront of her mind. She told the boy it was going to be alright and comforted him, trying to keep him calm, truly believing that he would leave his blood staining her hands.

She cried for hours after hanging up the phone. But she wasn’t crying for him, she was crying for the girl she used to be. It was almost two years that he had her in his clutches, two years of playing into his twisted games.

While she did feel used and irrevocably damaged, she could finally breathe. She was free.

*** I never went back to him, but not for a lack of him trying. I got myself as far away as possible and it was the best decision I ever made.

New Person, Old Place

New Person, Old Place by Madi Diaz; I struggled for a long time for a song that captured at least something close to my real feelings. This song captures the sadness, the trauma, and the moving on. I think that it really adds to the feelings of realization of how much I sacrificed for him: “I used to take all of your shit and carry it on my back. I’d leave what I needed behind to make room for whatever you had. I believed that I had to be strong just for you, so you wouldn’t crack”

I have thought again and again what I was going to end my story with. The optimistic and empathetic part of me yearns for a happy ending. I want people to know it gets better and feel hopeful. But the much larger, aching side of me wants to tear down the mended façade I have built and scream out all the hurt.

Most days I feel that I’m made up of an alphabet soup of emotions I couldn’t even begin to decipher. In one moment, I feel okay again and understand that I didn’t deserve what happened, but it is over. The next is filled with visceral recollections of all the worst parts that reignites every antagonistic thought. It truly feels like my psyche is in a never-ending pendulum, swinging between healing and absolute and total self-destruction.

While my thoughts on the matter are contradictory from one day to another, I think I have come to a few conclusions. I know that I am not okay, and I probably won’t be for a while. I cannot lie to myself by saying the shaking in my hands that accompanies thinking back is due to the cold instead of a physical reaction to trauma. I also have come to realize that I am so fucking angry, and I am allowed to be. A lot of people say that forgiveness is the way to healing but I think that is bullshit. I will never forgive him for what he did to me. He stole my naivety from underneath me and forced me to thank him. How can you forgive something like that?

Many don’t understand why survivors stay in abusive relationships if it is so awful. The problem is that it wasn’t always bad. There were times that I felt like I was on top of the world and others where he yanked me down to hell. I believed I deserved what he did, that I wasn’t worth anything more. He made me believe he was the only one that would love me.

It’s funny how trauma works. While he assaulted my body and tortured my mind, I mislabeled it as love, as flaws that I needed to accept since he loved mine. I didn’t start to notice the way he changed me until months later. Even now, almost two years since the day I left, I’m still tormented by the aftereffects. Over the course of writing about my ordeal, I tremble for hours, physically reacting to reliving the experiences, no matter how healing it is.

Suffering from abuse at such a formative age, fifteen to seventeen, left its mark on my psyche, etched deep inside. Because of this, I want others to know how to escape and that no one is responsible for the actions of others. Even if he was abused himself, he chose to continue the cycle and use me as a scapegoat for all his problems in life. I am grateful for one thing though; I will never, ever let myself be treated like that again. I would rather be alone than suffer the way that I did.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that most stories don’t have a happy ending; instead, most end in a nameless limbo between good and bad. My story falls into that majority. Many bad things happened, and they continue to come back again and again, like a stray that only found shelter in my mind. There is still so much that haunts me daily, but I also know that it is not all bad.

My soul is still covered with the ominous clouds his presence brought but every day, more slivers of sunlight poke through, causing flowers to bloom where it was once barren. One day, a full garden will grow and take over the parts of me that he singlehandedly ripped apart. One day, I will not feel so empty about the ordeal.

One day, I will be okay again.

[theshinsun]

Heyyy! Since you wanted more and it's fun to read 🤩 💭✏️☕

💭 - any ideas for a possible wip?

oh, so many. for every one story or chapter I get published I’ve always got at least three or four others I’m noodling with in the background... right now it’s closer to seven or eight because I’m just desperately trying to finish ANR, so everything else has kind of been put on the back burner ‘til it’s done.

one thing I’ve always wanted to do is an aokaga lifeguard AU, they say write what you know and the idea of these guys being super competitive about saves and putting X’s on their visors like my coworkers did whenever they made one is really funny to me... plus the inherent homoerotic tension of being wet and shirtless all the time I mean...

I’ve also always wanted to take a crack at a lawyer AU. I don’t know much about the actual day to day life of an attorney or how a real court system works, but the image of angry aokaga yelling and flirting in suits is just so good to me.

for something I’m actually working on right now, I’ve got an aokuro time-travel fic in the works based on the song “The Night We Met” by Lord Huron. i have it set to be about 5 chapters long and it’s super meta, but I don’t want to post it until I have it at least halfway done. the gist is Aomine gets sent back to relive his time at Teiko, and gains a new appreciation for his friends and maybe some realizations about Kuroko that he didn’t have before.

✏️ - favorite part about writing:

I love when I get into a flow and the ideas just keep coming and the image in my head is so clear and sharp that I can hear the character voices and I just know what’s going to happen next... my fingers are flying on the keyboard with no hesitation, there’s music playing but it’s fueling and not distracting and I’m just grinding through paragraphs one after the other... it’s kind of rare nowadays to get into that zone, but when I do it’s so exhilarating, I spend a lot of my time lately chasing that feeling.

☕ - favorite passage:

hoo boy, of all time? that’s gonna be tough, lemme think... 

you know what I think it’s gotta be this part from ANR:

[“Now I see where Yui gets that face from.”

Daiki frowns, “What face?”

“That face,” Kagami says, still grinning as he points at him. “Your face. It’s exactly the same.”

Daiki huffs, even as he attempts to arrange his expression into something less admittedly childish, “Nice to know you think I look exactly like a two year old girl,” he says, lifting his bag to swing it over his shoulder. “She takes more after her mom, though.”

“Bullshit, she looks just like you.”

Daiki stops, letting the strap hang loosely from his hand as he looks at him, because he sounds completely serious, and it’s surprising. He’s always looked at Yui and seen Satsuki, since the day she was born... he never considered how she might look like him, even to someone like Kagami.

“Yeah?” he says, and it comes out softer than he expected, almost fragile in his mouth as Kagami leans in, ever so slightly.

“Yeah,” Kagami murmurs, with eyes like magnets, fixated on Daiki’s own. “She’s beautiful, you know…”

Daiki forgets to breathe for a second, holding that steady gaze like he can’t let go.

“I know,” he rasps, heart pounding wildly in his chest as Kagami smirks and comes in even closer, his eyes already starting to fall shut, and God, he’s right fucking there… ]

— Ain’t No Rest (chapter 7)

I know I’ve talked about this fic a lot already, but hear me out okay, this part... this part!! it’s simultaneously a lead-in to the first kiss between the boys and an important character moment for both of them, and in my opinion it’s one of my best uses of dialogue for storytelling, hands-down. 

the attention Kagami’s been paying to Yui even after just meeting her, Aomine’s surprise at how much that simple observation means to him, and the fact that although Kagami doesn’t say it directly, we know he’s calling Aomine beautiful too, and so does he... it’s just *chef’s kiss* I’m really happy with how this moment turned out.

[the-majulian-finds-his-third-ear]

Lucio x Mc

From Eden by Hozier

Babe, there's something tragic about you Something so magic about you Don't you agree? Babe, there's something lonesome about you Something so wholesome about you Get closer to me No tired sighs, no rolling eyes, no irony No 'who cares', no vacant stares, no time for me Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door Babe, there's something wretched about this Something so precious about this Where to begin Babe, there's something broken about this But I might be hoping about this. Oh, what a sin To the strand a picnic plan for you and me A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on its sword Innocence died screaming, honey, ask me I should know I slithered here from Eden just to hide outside your door

Love Like Ghosts by Lord Huron

Yes I know that love is like ghosts Oh, few have seen it, but everybody talks Spirits follow everywhere I go Oh they sing all day and they haunt me in the night Oh they sing all day and they haunt me in the night Yes I know that love is like ghosts Oh, and what ain't living can never really die You don't want me baby please don't lie Oh but if you're leaving, I gotta know why I said if you're leaving, I gotta know why Oh I sing all day and I love you through the night Yes I know that love is like ghosts Oh and the moonlight baby shows you whats real There ain't a language for the things I feel And if I can't have you then no one ever will Oh, if I can't have you then no one ever will I don't feel it till it hurts sometimes Oh go on baby, hurt me tonight I want ours to be an endless song Baby in my eyes you do no wrong I don't feel it till it hurts sometimes So go on baby hurt me tonight All the spirits that I know I saw Do you see no ghost in me at all Oh I sing all day and I love you through the night Oh I sing all day and I love you through the night Oh I sing all day and I love you through the night Oh I sing all day and I love you through the night

Jackie And Wilson by Hozier

So tired trying to see from behind the red in my eyes No better version of me I could pretend to be tonight So deep in this swill with the most familiar of swine For reasons wretched and divine She blows outta nowhere, roman candle of the wild Laughing away through my feeble disguise No other version of me I would rather be tonight And, Lord, she found me just in time 'Cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done I need to be youthfully felt 'cause, God, I never felt young She's gonna save me Call me "baby" Run her hands through my hair She'll know me crazy Soothe me daily Better yet she wouldn't care We'll steal her Lexus Be detectives Ride 'round picking up clues We'll name our children Jackie and Wilson Raise 'em on rhythm and blues Lord, it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometime Me and my Isis growing black irises in the sunshine Every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside Sit back and watch the world go by Happy to lie back watch it burn and rust We tried the world, good God, it wasn't for us She's gonna save me Call me "baby" Run her hands through my hair She'll know me crazy Soothe me daily Better yet she wouldn't care We'll steal her Lexus Be detectives Ride 'round picking up clues We'll name our children Jackie and Wilson Raise 'em on rhythm and blues Cut clean from the dream at night let my mind reset Looking up from a cigarette, and she's already left I start digging up the yard for what's left of me and our little vignette For whatever poor soul is coming next She's gonna save me Call me "baby" Run her hands through my hair She'll know me crazy Soothe me daily Better yet she wouldn't care We'll steal her Lexus Be detectives Ride 'round picking up clues We'll name our children Jackie and Wilson Raise 'em on rhythm and blues

Meet Me In The Woods by Lord Huron

I took a little journey to the unknown, And I come back changed. I can feel it in my bones. I fucked with forces that our eyes can't see. Now the darkness got a hold on me. Oh, the darkness got a hold on me. How long, baby, have I been away? Oh, it feels like ages though you say it's only days. There ain't language for the things I've seen. And the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams. The truth is stranger than all my dreams. Oh, the darkness got a hold on me. I have seen what the darkness does. Say goodbye to who I was. I ain't never been away so long. Don't look back them days are gone. Follow me into the endless night. I can bring your fears to life. Show me yours and I'll show you mine. Meet me in the woods tonight. The truth is stranger than my own worst dreams. Now the darkness got a hold on me. I have seen what the darkness does. Say goodbye to who I was. I ain't never been away so long. Don't look back them days are gone. Follow me into the endless night. I can bring your fears to life. Show me yours and I'll show you mine. Meet me in the woods tonight.

[eyesupmarksman]

Ice Cream Asks

literally no one asked me to do this but i’m depressed and bored so--

Chocolate: When was your first kiss?

22 (technically 18, but I’m not counting it shh)

French Vanilla: How old are you?

24, but feel 80!

Cotton Candy: Three places you want to travel to?

Berlin, Rome, anywhere along the Amalfi Coast where I can be boujee

Strawberry: A language you wish you could speak?

I want to be better at Irish. We learn it here from 4 years old to about 17/18, and not a single person in Ireland can string a sentence together (it’s taught so badly within school). I was so bad at it. But I feel like I’m getting better now. 

Coffee: Favourite cosmetic brands?

None. I don’t wear makeup lmao

Mint Chocolate Chip: Indoors or outdoors?

If it’s a nice day, outdoors. But I live in Ireland. So it’s never a nice day.

Cookie Dough: Do you play any instruments?

Violin (but very badly lol)

Rocky Road: Favourite songs at the moment?

Setting Sun - Lord Huron / Cloudbusting - Kate Bush / Anything Novo Amor has Ever Composed

Butter Pecan: Favourite songs for life?

Dinner and Diatribes - Hozier / Attica - Hailaker / Thus Always To Tyrants - The Oh Hellos

Cheesecake: What's your zodiac sign?

Aquarius

Toasted Coconut: The beach or the pool?

Beach. I can’t swim so I ain’t going near the water lmao

Chocolate Chip: What's your most popular post?

It’s a post I made about being slightly annoyed of people comparing Hozier to Hades when he’s clearly Lugh, the Irish pagan warrior entity symbolising the arts and law

Bubblegum: books or movies?

D: Movies. Books. Books. Movies. Movies--

Pistachio: manga or anime?

Neither tbh

Salted Caramel: Favourite Movies?

Children of Men by Alfonzo Cuaron (not the happiest film, but an amazing film) / The Man from U.N.C.L.E by Guy Ritchie / Rogue One by Gareth Edwards (the superior of the Star Wars films don’t @ Me) 

Birthday Cake: Favourite books?

Lovely War by Julie Berry (I CRIED) / All That Remains by Dr. Sue Black (if you like bones and death, it’s very interesting!) / Mythos by Stephen Fry (I like Greek Mythology. I like Stephen Fry. Need I say more?)

Moose Tracks: Favourites for manga?

I’ve never read any D:

Orange Sherbet: Favourites for anime?

Never seen any (or any that I can remember)

Peanut butter: Favourite academic subject?

I did an English and History degree so either-or. 

Black Raspberry: Do you have any pets?

I have an English Cocker spaniel called Leo, and three horses (fully owned by me) called Kaliban, Sysaro, and Romeo. There’s another horse on loan to me called Dante (or Danny) and he’s an actual demon from the nine circles of hell--

Mango: When and why did you start your blog?

2012 (gross). I don’t...really know.

Mocha: Ideal weather conditions?

Sun’s out (gun’s out), with a slight breeze. I cannot COPE with heat. I need a breeze lol

Black Cherry: Four words that describe you?

Funny (I think I’m funny); Independent (too much so for my own good); Dependable (again, too much for my own good); emotionally-compromised (oop)

Neapolitan: Things that stress you out?

Anything and everything.

Raspberry Truffle: Favourite kind of music?

Indie-Alternative-Rock ???

Chocolate Marshmallow: Favourite brands of candy?

I don’t really eat candy anymore, but I am partial to a good Dairymilk chocolate bar.

Toffee: A card game that you're good at?

Coup. It’s a game about lying. And I am very good at lying to people’s faces. 

Lemon Custard: Do you eat breakfast?

I make sure to eat food in the morning...does that count?

Dark chocolate: Turn-ons?

Humour. Be able to make me laugh, to be honest...

Fudge: Turn-offs?

Arrogance and ignorance. The two tend to go hand in hand. Also a pure lack of communication skills. 👀👀👀

Peach: How do you relax?

Shower. A long shower. I’m talking like a chunk of time just standing under some water. Or going for a walk. 

Praline: A popular book you haven't read yet?

Anything from Rick Riordan (if my friend sees this she’ll fucking kill me oh my god). I have every intention of reading it, but I just never did. 

Superman: Do you like sweaters?

I’m so picky with sweaters. Prefer hoodies.

Cherry: do you drink tea or coffee?

Neither. Tea is just hot water and coffee gives me a major migraine. 

Dulce de Leche: An instrument you wish you could play?

My violin (because it’s originally my grandfather’s (who has long since passed away) and I restored it). I’m so bad at it. Or the piano. I don’t have the dexterity for it.

Blackberry: Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

Oh absolutely. I’ve also cried so hard that I’ve laughed.

Ginger: A new feature you wish tumblr could have?

Idk just fix it pls

Blueberry Lemon: Favourite blogs?

@frrankzhang / @duelling / @dutifullygranddragon /

Almond: Favourite mean girls quote?

Boo, you whore.

Butterscotch: What colour are your nails right now?

Naked. I don’t wear nail polish or any makeup :I

Cinnamon: Have you ever been confessed to?

I, very stupidly, made myself everyone’s therapist for a long time so absolutely. I know too many things about too many people. 

Blue Moon: Have you ever had a crush on someone?

Yup.

Cappuccino Crunch: Do you take naps?

Everyday. We love that Hypothyroidism and anaemic life ✌🏻

Mint: The most embarrassing thing you've ever done?

There’s so many...Idk, thought that I would have my life in order by 24 haha 😬

Brownie Batter: Do you like sushi?

Yesss, but it has to be from a specific place

Key Lime: where do you want to be right now?

Anywhere that’s away from where I’m living rn--

Red Velvet: do you wear prescription glasses?

Yup! I didn’t for a long time and I went into my local eye doctor’s because whenever I would use my laptop or the screens at work, I had to squint and come really close to it. It also gave me a very bad headache. Turns out I got a astigmatism in one eye!

Green Tea: favourite flavours of ice cream?

Vanilla (but if it’s going to be that plain, it has to be a good vanilla) or chocolate. I’m also partial to some caramel but sometimes it can be a bit too sweet.

original post with questions

[thevoilinauttheory]

Music Profile

Rules: For many of us, music is a source of inspiration for our characters, so I want to know what songs inspire and/relate to your muse! Choose between 10-15 songs, compile them into an album and tag some friends to share the beat!

As tagged by @lukawarrioroflight​ so very, very, very long ago. You made me do a bad thing - which was spend at least 3 hours compiling a list of 10 songs for each of the characters I roleplay the most. M’nhea’s will come first - since I haven’t thought too much about songs for him - and all the others (Maximiloix, Danny, and Amosis) will be listed under the cut. These songs aren’t in a specific order~ 

I’m going to pick up the tags again for once, so I’m tagging: @renofmanyalts​, @jasleh​, @amdapori​, @prodigalsong​, @spotofmummery​, @journeybetweenworlds​, @astralyehga​, @houserosaire​, @cadrenebula​, @ever-searching​, @munchix-home-cooking​, @egrine​

M’nhea Tia:

Silhouettes - Of Monsters and Men

There's nothing that I'd take back But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret Cause when I sing, you shout I breathe out loud You bleed, we crawl like animals But when it's over, I'm still awake

Coming of Age - Foster the People

When my fear pulls me out to sea And the stars are hidden by my pride and my enemies I seem to hurt the people that care the most Just like an animal, I protect my pride When I'm too bruised to fight And even when I'm wrong, I tend to think I'm right

RUNAWAY - half.alive

I hold my life out in front of me, dreams of who I want to be I'm seeing every empty page But I find that everything I am is everything I should be I don't need to run away I don't need to run away Yeah I don't need to run away

The Phoenix - Fall Out Boy

Hey young blood Doesn't it feel like our time is running out? I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix Wearing our vintage misery No, I think it looked a little better on me I'm gonna change you like a remix Then I'll raise you like a phoenix

Knights of Cydonia - Muse

No one's gonna take me alive The time has come to make things right You and I must fight for our rights You and I must fight to survive

It’s Not My Fault, I’m Happy - Passion Pit

It's not right, it's not right How am I the only one who sees us fight? What are we? Who are they? Who says those bastards don't deserve to pay? Well it's enough, it's just enough 'cause we don't stand a chance So long you stay around, you're just another song and dance It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair Still I'm the only one who seems to care

Hunger - Of Monsters and Men

Hungry for the kill, but this hunger, it isn't you Voices disappear when you are speaking, in somber tunes I will be the wolf and when you're starving, you'll need it too Hungry for the kill, but this hunger, it isn't you It isn't you, it isn't

The Best - AWOLNATION

I'm hardly perfect I'm barely good Just shy of greatness Ah-ah I'm heavy metal And hollow wood Just shy of patience Ah-ah

Titanium - David Guetta, ft. Sia

Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall Ghost town and haunted love Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones I'm talking loud, not saying much

I Just Wanna Shine - Fitz & The Tantrums

So I wake up I get out of bed, and stay up Stay out of my head 'Cause it's dangerous And I don't wanna lose my mind, no

Maximiloix:

Warrant - Foster the People

Fear is like a fake friend It warms you up and takes you in You mouth the words but no sound comes out Fear is like your best friend Manipulates and takes you in You mouth the words No sound again

Choke - I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME

Now shut your dirty mouth If I could burn this town I wouldn't hesitate To smile while you suffocate and die And that would be just fine What a lovely time That it would surely be So bite your tongue and choke yourself to sleep

Punching in a Dream - The Naked and Famous

All the lights go down as I crawl into the spaces Fight, flight, or the screams, life tearing at the seams Wait, I don't ever want to be here Like punching in a dream, breathing life into my nightmare

I Am a Nightmare - Brand New

So come shake your Zen out And give me pure energy My heart is glowing fluorescent, I want you to possess it I’m not a prophecy come true I’ve just been goddamn mean to you So what is this thing laced with Please, don't replace me I surrender, embrace me Whatever I'm faced with

Crystals - Of Monsters and Men

I know I'll wither so peel away the bark 'Cause nothing grows when it is dark In spite of all my fears, I can see it all so clear I see it all so clear

Crown of Love - Arcade Fire

They say it fades if you let it Love was made to forget it I carved your name across my eyelids You pray for rain, I pray for blindness

Thank God I’m Not You - Himalayas

You could call me narcissistic You could say I'm of no worth You could call me the scorn of Satan But I could be so much worse

To My Enemies - Saint Motel

You know that talk is cheap Keep talkin' as I turn my cheek You know that no one really cares (Did you know that, did you know that?) It wasn't that long ago You wanted to slit my throat To find out if my blood bleeds blue (Did you know that, did you know that?)

An Honest Mistake - The Bravery

Sometimes I forget I'm still awake I fuck up and say these things out loud My old friend... I swear I never meant for this I never meant...

Forgive Me Friend - Smith & Thell

'Cause I fell in the hole, in the hole, in the hole My heart was turning cold, turning cold, turning cold I never wanted this to end, can you forgive me friend?

Danny:

Upside Down & Inside Out - OK Go

I wish I had said the things you thought that I had said Gravity's just a habit that you're really sure you can't break So when you met the new you Were you scared? Were you cold? Were you kind? Yeah when you met the new you Did someone die inside?

Houdini - Foster the People

Got shackles on, my words are tied Fear can make you compromise With the lights turned up, it's hard to hide Sometimes I wanna disappear

Dance Dance Dance - 65daysofstatic

[Instrumental]

Cradles - Sub Urban

Tape my eyes open to force reality (Oh no, no) Why can’t you just let me eat my weight in glee? I live inside my own world of make-believe Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities Some days I feel skinnier than all the other days Sometimes I can't tell if my body belongs to me

Fire - Barnes Courtney

Oh, a thousand faces staring at me Thousand times I've fallen Thousand voices dead at my feet Now I'm gone, now I'm gone, now I'm gone

Meet Me in the Woods - Lord Huron

I have seen what the darkness does Say goodbye to who I was I ain't never been away so long Don't look back, them days are gone Follow me into the endless night I can bring your fears to life Show me yours and I'll show you mine Meet me in the woods tonight

Simmer - Hayley Williams

Control There's so many ways to give in Eyes closed Another way to make it to ten Oh, how to draw the line between wrath and mercy? Gotta simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer, simmer down

Rawnald Gregory Erickson the Second - STRFKR

All my life There you go Oh please stay Just this once Anyway

Cigarette Daydreams - Cage the Elephant

Funny how it seems like yesterday As I recall you were looking out of place Gathered up your things and slipped away No time at all I followed you into the hall Cigarette daydream You were only seventeen So sweet with a mean streak Nearly brought me to my knees

In the Woods Somewhere - Hozier

The creature lunged I turned and ran To save a life I didn't have Dear, in the chase There as I flew Forgot all prayers Of joining you

Amosis:

Vy från ett luftslott - Kent

Där missilerna möts De viskar: hålen i himlen ska bli våran död Ovanför molnen Där djävulen bor De viskar: hålen i himlen är från hans klor

//

Where the missiles meet They whisper: the holes in the heavens will be our death Above the clouds Where the devil lives They whisper: the holes in the heavens are from his claws

Panic Station - Muse

Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes And this chaos, it defies imagination Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives And I know that you will fight for the duration Ooh, 1, 2, 3, 4 fire's in your eyes And you know I'm not resisting your temptations Ooh, 5, 6, 7 minus 9 lives You've arrived at panic station

Destruction - Joywave

I wanna know who you told 'til they're all laying on the floor Frozen to the core I wanna know who you told 'til it's nobody anymore Nobody anymore

Little Dark Age - MGMT

I grieve in stereo The stereo sounds strange You know that if it hides It doesn't go away If I get out of bed You'll see me standing all alone Horrified On the stage My little dark age

The Wolf - SIAMÉS

I’m out of my head Of my heart and my mind 'Cause you can run but you can’t hide I’m gonna make you mine Out of my head Of my heart and my mind 'Cause I can feel how your flesh now Is crying out for more

It Doesn’t Matter Why - Silversun Pickups

You hear us come and go, we know You wonder if we're not alone, we're alone You think about us all the time, don't Because it doesn't matter why we're known We're just known, we're just known

Sleep Alone - Two Door Cinema Club

He sleeps alone He needs no army where he's headed cause he knows That they're just ghosts And they can't hurt him if he can't see them, ohh And I may go To places I have never been to just to find The deepest desires in my mind

still.feel - half.alive

So when I lose my gravity in this sleepy womb Drifting as I dream, but I'll wake up soon To realize the hand of life is reaching out To rid me of my pride I call allegiance to myself

Iron - Woodkid

This deadly burst of snow is burning my hands I'm frozen to the bones, I am A million miles from home, I'm walking away I can't remind your eyes, your face

Content - Joywave

I'm searching for the difference between What content and content can bring Maybe they're no different 'cause they look the same (They look the same) Maybe I'm just an algorithm with a given name (A given name) But... trying to find the difference The difference, the difference, the difference