#looooooong post

[walkingstackofbooks]

Julian + Loneliness + Love: an essay

BASHIR: Wait. Quark, did you really mean all that? About Dax being my one last chance for true happiness?

In Change of Heart, Season 6, Julian really latches onto these words from Quark, leading us to half-a-season of having to painfully watch him become re-obsessed with Jadzia. Here, I’m going to examine how Julian perceives love – particularly romantic love -- as being that one, impossible-to-get thing that could actually make him happy, and why he might think that way about it. 

--

First: a couple of things I learnt about in therapy that I think are pretty relevant to how Julian does life.

(Please note I am not a professional – my therapist is wonderful and I’ve tried to re-research this too, but I might well have misunderstood or forgotten something, so please don’t just take my word on it! The descriptions of the concepts are also rather simplistic in the interests of time.)

Drive, threat, and self-soothing systems

In ideal conditions: we will be seeking out satisfaction from our lives through our drive system. There will be things we want in life that will give us purpose and make us happy, and we’ll move towards our goals because we *want* to. 

At times, we’ll face things that are difficult, and when we are in danger, our threat system kicks in to warn us of it and get us away. The old fight-flight-freeze-fawn thing; our limbic system takes control, so that we don’t waste time *processing* things and thinking through everything logically -- we need to get away from that sabre-toothed tiger automatically, not stand there thinking about it!

Once the threat has gone away, our soothing system kicks in to neutralise the threat system. As we go through life, we learn from our experiences how to better self-soothe, and gradually add to that system. 

However, it doesn’t always work out that way and my best guess is that Julian’s system is going to be heavily threat-based with very little soothing. 

I imagine that post-enhancements as a kid, he did manage to develop his drive system, finding things he enjoyed doing and chasing after them just because he wanted to. However, his parents’ very high expectations probably meant that even then, his threat system was conditioned to think of *failure* as a threat, and so even from a young age, Julian’s threat system has been highly active in being a driving force behind his ambition - undermining his *actual* drive system. 

Then, of course, he learnt about his enhancements, meaning that he becomes preoccupied with not being discovered -- and from this moment on, his threat system is pretty permanently activated. He seems to find some relief in distraction: escapism through books, in his work, in tennis -- but he doesn’t have a way to soothe this threat, only ignore it. 

By the time he arrives on DS9, I believe he has a few things in his actual drive system, including wanting to help people and seeking adventure. But he is also so used to his threat system being engaged that he doesn’t even notice how driven by fear he is -- and his soothing system is an absolute wreck, with minimal coping mechanisms. 

Attachment style

There are four different attachment styles, as pictured above. These influence how you form and manage the relationships in your life -- in the image it says “partner”, but it’s also involved in your friendships and families. 

As warned, this is a little simplistic, but basically your attachment style is formed by having a warm, consistent and loving relationship with your primary caregiver in infancy. Julian very much didn’t have that, and we know that from when he was very young he “knew he was a great disappointment to his parents” -- so I think it’s very likely he would fall into having a fearful attachment style, with both low self-esteem, and low trust in other people.

(Having a secure attachment with your caregiver also helps you develop good soothing strategies for your threat system! Another reason why his is so depleted…)

Attachment styles can change and improve, so I think that during his time at DS9 (maybe even during the Academy) as he begins to gain experiences of friends who do consistently choose him and with whom he is safe, he probably moves more towards the preoccupied category. But I do not think this man has ever made a *really* secure attachment in his life. 💔

I also don’t think he has ever examined this too deeply? Maybe after DBIP, hopefully some of his friends might have gone “that was a super fucked-up childhood you had there”, but I figure he probably attributes the way he approaches social situations to his autism (which due to his parents’ ableism, means he thinks “I’m doing socialising wrong and everyone else is doing it right so I should listen to everyone else and do it their way regardless of how I feel about it”) and so he doesn’t realise that actually his fear of being rejected and his craving for validation through meaningful relationships -- if he even recognises those feelings for what they are -- are unhealthy coping mechanisms that he could learn to shift into something more positive if he had the time and space and help of a professional.

His relationship with Palis was almost definitely a victim of this, imo. Even if he doesn’t realise it, he’s terrified that she will inevitably reject him (having a ridiculously catastrophic secret doesn’t help with this assumption, but being fearful-preoccupied also just lends him to believe that people are inevitably going to reject him) and so he makes his excuses and leaves her first. 

Amatonormativity

Even if I hope that the 24th century is less amatonormative than now, I don’t think Julian has necessarily been able to benefit from that. Given how ableist his parents are, I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to think that they might be queerphobic too, or at the very least dismissive of any lifestyle that isn’t the same as theirs. 

In addition, on DS9, his best friends are Miles O’Brien (who has always been very vocal about how happily married he is) and Jadzia Dax (who had been as happy as he was to be flirty and single and not tied down, until she found her One True Love, and got married), which wouldn’t exactly help discourage the notion of “romantic love = marriage = happiness”. So I think that Julian has definitely internalised all this, and – especially since he’s been taking cues from those around him how to act and what to think about social situations his entire life – he accepts this whole “you need to have a partner” thing as true for him, just because it’s been true for his friends. 

I headcanon Julian as being somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, too (hovering around WTFromantic) --  but crucially, he has no idea. He genuinely struggles to tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings and guesses how he feels a lot of the time, but since he doesn’t know that he's guessing, he really believes he's in love. And because he has never connected the dots that he’s aro, he assumes the disconnect between *his* experience of love and everyone else’s is just down to his autism, and therefore everyone else is right and he needs to follow their lead in finding happiness through romantic love. 

We also know that he really likes old books like James Bond. (I headcanon that he finds pre-1990s fiction safer, because there is no chance that the villain is secretly going to be an augment all along, or any other anti-augment prejudice or micro-aggression in them.) So despite being a 24th century guy, he becomes steeped in these 20th century views -- and with him trying to figure out all the time what’s a “normal” way to act, both in a “not-an-augment” sense and a “not-autistic” sense, he’s internalised a fair amount of “what love really is” from these books which, like, isn’t always great to say the least. 

Season 6

QUARK: You know what's really sad, what really keeps me awake at night? She's out of reach because we let her go. BASHIR: I suppose so. But some things just weren't meant to be. Evade. O'BRIEN: Julian, are you sure you want to-- QUARK: Chief, please. You know the rules. No coaching during a round. You're probably right. But what if that's a convenient rationalisation? What if deep down in our heart of hearts we both know she's something unique, something we may never see again. A chance at true happiness and we let her slip through our fingers. 

And so we come back to this conversation. Quark is manipulating Julian to win the game of tongo, but whether or not he knows how deeply his words will cut, they leave a lasting impression upon Julian. 

Quark calls Jadzia “a chance at true happiness”, but when Julian repeats those words later -- despite his perfect recall -- he describes Dax as being his “one last chance for true happiness”. And this, I think, is what really gets to him. 

We’re deep into Season 6 -- Julian is not “happy”. He’s become depressed, despondent, weighted down by the war. It’s not been long since Statistical Probabilities -- is he watching the casualty count grow, the war continuing exactly as they had predicted for the time being? At this point in time, “happiness” feels like a pipe dream for him.

How long has it been since he has truly had a long stretch of contentment? Most people put it at pre-Dominion-camp, right? So he had a pretty long stretch of being happy and (incidentally) in a relationship with Leeta from the end of Season 3 until s05e07, and then a few months later, he was kidnapped – which makes me think that if he’s thinking back on the “good old days” of DS9, it’s quite likely he’s thinking of a time when he was in a relationship. 

Julian comes from a background of believing that no-one would accept him for who he is. Even in Statistical Probabilities, among his friends, O’Brien and Sisko and Worf all openly discuss how augments should have restricted access to general society. And that’s just the augmentations: he also knows that his personality can be annoying and off-putting to many people. So he thinks that it would take an extraordinary person to actually like him and want him. 

> Back in Season 2, when he was talking about Palis, he said “Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I think to myself, will I ever find anyone that wonderful again?” Quark describes Dax as similarly unique -- and I think that strikes a chord with Julian, causing him to think “I lost Palis, I’ve lost Leeta, I’ve lost Dax -- how many more extraordinary people can there be? Dax really was my last chance.”

Julian doesn’t properly understand his feelings. He’s used to relying on other people to help him figure out what they are and how he should react.So Quark asserting that Julian does still feel attracted to Jadzia and does resent Worf and that he should have tried harder with Jadzia is something he accepts. (Just like later on, when Vic tells him he should be moving on, he accepts that very easily, too.)

> His preoccupied attachment style and fear of loneliness also means that he gravitates towards social interaction and people being friendly to him. After this, and particularly after Jadzia’s death, he starts having a bit more time for Quark: Quark’s inclusion of him in this “we both like Jadzia and resent Worf” club does provide him with some of that relationship-ness he needs, and even though he isn’t quite on the same wavelength as him, Quark is making him feel seen and understood, so if he’s lonely and there’s no-one else, he’ll probably seek Quark out that bit more. 

>> And come to think of it, we’ve definitely seen Miles leaving Julian behind at the bar (with no-one to talk to but Quark) to go home to his wife and kids, just reinforcing the people-with-relationships-get-to-be-happy thing.

So yeah: Julian’s actually feeling some really big feelings about his loneliness and unhappiness and wanting to feel better, but he ends up projecting all of this onto his lack of a relationship, and more specifically, that Dax is probably the last person he’s going to come across who would accept him so completely.

Which sucks, and is a really toxic attitude. We don’t see it change the way he treats Dax on-screen, but even so, there is a sense of misplaced entitlement: he’s entitled to be happy and therefore he should have been entitled to have Dax. And I hate that for him. But he really is deeply, deeply afraid that without being in a relationship with her, he’s never going to feel genuinely happy again. 

(Yes, he has friends, and he enjoyed spending time with them, like in Take Me Out To The Holosuite. But remember -- his threat system is constantly on with his fear of loneliness, and he doesn’t have the skills to actually soothe that fear and put it to rest. What he can do is use his malformed coping mechanism of distraction -- distracting himself with his friends and holosuite games and so forth. And no doubt they do give him some true satisfaction and validation -- but since he doesn’t have an internal source of validation, he’s lost when they can’t provide. 

And additionally, when they can’t provide it’s often because they’re in a relationship. In the beginning of Chrysalis this is made super obvious, when Miles can’t hang out, and Kira and Odo are going to Vic’s together, alone, and he just ends up in bed working. Until 3am. I can’t help thinking he was somewhat trying to avoid being alone with his thoughts.)

And then Jadzia dies. And he has to refind his footing in a Daxless world and I can only imagine that he just accepts the depression is here to stay forever now. 

Season 7

And now Chrysalis happens and firstly: I’m not here to make excuses for him. Chrysalis was pretty fucked-up, and irl I don’t think I could be friends with him after what he did. (But also irl I’d have given him a real talking to and not just accepted his bs like everyone else did in this episode and I think with that he might have realised earlier what he was doing so idk. I think if you’re gonna judge Bashir for this episode you also have to judge everyone else for standing by…)

Anyway, Sarina appears, appearing to be his dream woman, and Julian’s just lost.

It doesn’t happen immediately. When Sarina shows up on his doorstep and falls asleep on him, he is so awkward and uncertain what to do. And in the morning he’s still unsure and hesitant as to what this all means. 

I’m certainly nor blaming Sarina -- she’s figuring everything out even more than Julian is! -- but when she makes breakfast for him and sends him off with it, I figure that is a massive romance-cue for Julian, who’s given up on his dreams of domesticity. If his feelings are just platonic at this point, he figures out they must actually be romantic, because people who are in love live together and make breakfast for each other. And if he has already started falling for her, it’s a confirmation that he’s allowed to fall for her, because they’re already acting romantically, and she started it. (Again, not an excuse -- he should have known that she is in no position to make a move to start a relationship.)

He’s not thinking logically and pursuing a relationship with his drive system, he’s still being driven by his threat system and fear of loneliness, and being in a relationship is the only thing that he can imagine will soothe him. (I mean tbh this has been his problem all along -- possibly even back to Palis -- and ugh, it sucks, because even though in a way he kind of can’t help it and he’s clueless to why he wants a relationship so much, it’s also kind of on him that he’s never done some serious self-reflection, and the fact that his trauma has led to him acting like this doesn’t negate the fact that he’s taking advantage of a very vulnerable woman and hurting her.)

It’s been implied by a) Quark, b) Vic, c) Bond-type books and d) most recently, Ezri, that he wasn’t quick enough to get Jadzia and should have tried harder. So of course, once he starts thinking he’s in love with her and that a romantic relationship is what they need, he’s desperate to start as soon as possible so that he doesn’t lose his chance. Because if he thought Dax had been his last chance, how much more is he going to be thinking that Sarina is his real last chance?

Sarina is pretty similar to him, and he can empathise a lot with her. And he knows how augments are treated by the world. And he knows how difficult it’s been for him, finding someone to love. And so he projects his own loneliness and fears onto her, and figures that being in a relationship is what they both need, because she’s unlikely to be given many chances either (which is kind of a contradiction to “I need to act now in case I lose her”, but hey, limbic system. Rational brain has long been taken out.)

And then as soon as he realises she’s only gone along with him because she feels like she owes him, it clicks and it’s over. It doesn’t make up for what he’s done but it genuinely never occurred to him -- and what’s more, he knows it should have occurred to him, and he still can’t figure out why he wasn’t more rational about this all. 

> Which is also why none of the other characters were allowed to have a proper talk with him this episode because I think that would have made him realise what he was doing. (I know Miles kind of tried with “Julian, she’s your patient”, but when Julian came back with his excuses, Miles didn’t exactly argue against them.)

> And also, how much do you think that her telling him “I don't even understand what love is. I don't understand anything… What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel? Tell me. I want to make you happy” resonates with him. Does he realise that these are the things he’s been asking himself his whole life, that this is actually how he’s been living his life and doing relationships this whole time. Are these actually a direct reflection of his thoughts about her: meeting with his friends, showing her off at dabo (he was always so proud of Leeta, remember?), that whole cliche of a romantic dinner… Are these all things he felt he was meant to do to make her happy and to show her what a romantic relationship is like?

And the thing is -- he does learn from this experience, and we see that he doesn’t try to rush in with Ezri when he starts getting feelings for her. (Yes, his learning shouldn’t have come at the cost of Sarina’s wellbeing, but it did, and I’m just going to accept that because he’s a fictional character and also I love him.) I don’t know if he got to the bottom of figuring out why he went so off-the-rails with Sarina. But clearly, it’s a mistake he doesn’t want to repeat. And I do want to give him some credit for that. 

So let’s go on to Ezri. 

BASHIR: Funny, I was just starting to... O'BRIEN: Starting to what? BASHIR: I don't know. But there was something-- something about her, wasn't there? Something that made me happy, anyway. She was this old soul and yet so young at heart, and… and-- I don't know what I'm saying.

I read this as a sort of admission that he doesn’t know what romantic love is. He knows he felt something, but I don’t know if he found something in what Sarina said that makes him doubt and wonder if it is love that he’s been feeling, or something else. But also, he leaves before O’Brien and Quark can comment, not asking for anyone to help figure out what he’s feeling. (Particularly as Quark’s made it obvious he thinks Julian must be in love with Dax, even if he doesn’t want Julian to be in love with Dax.)

And then when she returns, they begin their whole awkward dance around each other: though interestingly, as he’s talking about his inability to talk to her about his feelings in their eventual conversation, he sounds genuinely confused, and even distressed, when he says “I mean, I'm not usually like this. If I find someone attractive, I just-- I just tell them. I don't play these ridiculous games.” It seems he’s been experiencing some subconscious barrier whenever he’s wanted to bring his feelings up -- probably not dissimilar to most people’s hesitation to ask out a crush, but like he said, that’s not usually his style at all. 

Presumably, this is because he’s worried that he could lose Ezri altogether if he makes a move and his feelings are unrequited, along with the knowledge that pursuing Sarina had been the complete wrong thing to do. Although again, maybe more subconsciously than not: when Ezri suggests they’ve both been hesitating because of their friendship, it seems to click for Julian as something that he’d not properly registered before. 

Additionally, at this point in the show, losing people to the war seems inevitable. There’s been a long period with very little hope that either Ezri or Worf are alive, Kira, Odo and Garak are all off on Cardassia doing goodness-knows-what, until Odo returns with the Founders’ disease and again, there’s very little hope that he’ll survive. So it’s not really surprising that Julian finds himself unable to speak to Ezri about his feelings, given that this is the time least suited to losing friends to stupid mistakes like telling them you love them. 

I definitely think there’s more to say about Ezri and Julian, but I feel like I’m losing the plot of what I’m saying a bit, so I’m going to stop there. 

In summary:

Julian’s driven by his threat system: his fear-of-failure, fear-of-loneliness and fear-of-discovery/fear-of-rejection-for-being-an-augment. He doesn’t realise how much this affects him.

Julian thinks that other people/pre-90s media know about romance and love more than him and he should try to emulate them rather than figure out what he wants from them. 

Julian doesn’t really understand his own feelings – his upbringing never gave him the chance to, and it hasn’t occurred to him to explore them and figure out what makes him tick and what doesn’t. 

He’s deeply unhappy by season 6 and relying on easy but short-lasting waves of happiness to get by (e.g.holosuite adventures)

Because of all these things, when it is presented to him that there is a way to get lasting happiness, and that one way is to be in a relationship, he buys into it completely – falling for that idea probably far more than he actually falls for any of the ladies in question. 

[alarrytale]

I have hundreds of ideas of how to keep fans engagement up without shitting on your fans or stunting. I have hundred of ideas of how to improve Louis' shows and get a more likeable image that attracts the gp.

Marte can you share some of this ideas? I would love to read them.

Hi, Louis' team!

I bet you would. You seem out of ideas and in need of free advice. I've talked about this many times before, over several asks. I'm going to give a few examples of the hundreds of ideas i have lol.

Know your audience/fandom and who you should spend your time catering to

It’s larries, females, 20-30 years old, former 1d stans. It's not chavs living in their mothers basement in Doncaster...

How to do it: Ditch the lad image, the athleisure wear, the toxic masculinity, the Liam Gallagher impersonation and the punk/anarchy/indie image and sound. Stop taking fan favourite songs off the setlist ffs. When you don’t know the lyrics of your songs or the order of the setlist, you can’t afford to change it up. Have one set list and learn it!

What to do instead: Cater to the 37 million followers that already know and love you. Find ways to engage them again. 1d nostalgia always works. Post an unseen pic from the 1d days. Start taking proper care of yourself! The grey's got to go. Make pop/rock songs that's radio friendly, choose the right singles (see the response of the fandom!), dress up for shows and occations (so we can drool and look forward to your outfit), be yourself on stage and interact more with the audience (bond with us!). Show us some personality. Dare to be sexy and show us your ankles! Spend more time showing your personality on social media. Start using tiktok. Make yourself look interesting. It doesn’t have to be much.

To attract the gp and keep your fans loyal you need to act professional

Know your lyrics, be on time, use transparent communication and keep your promises.

How to do it: When you say soon it should be soon, when you say the 28 of each month, that's once a month. When you cancel a leg of tour or change a show in the nick of time, say why it's being done and why it's done so late. Act your age. Don't sweep things under the carpet and let things go unaddressed if the fandom is reacting negatively.

What to do instead: The gp or concert reviewers attending shows will demand that you know your lyrics to have a good experience. So rehearse and keep to one setlist if you have truble remembering lyrics. Hell, use prompters if neccessary. Learn to apologise properly and heartfelt. If you can’t, hire people to do it for you. Nip discontent in the bud. Either distract from it, address it or apologise for it.

Trust is important

Read the room, don't lay blame on fans (it's never the fans fault), don't EVER shit on fans and don't make promises you can’t keep.

How to do it: Monitor fandom. Constantly. 24/7. Keep up with the discourse of the day, fandom reactions and discontent. Feel the fandom pulse so you'll know when the timing is right for announcements etc. You'll learn what needs to change and improve things to make the fandom thriving and content. A happy fandom = free engagement and promo.

What to do instead: If you need to remind people you have a kid and larry isn't real, do the heavy lifting yourself. Don't throw fans under the bus. Do a tabloid denial or post a pic of F and yourself. Don't say the queue system changed because you listen to fan demands. That's bullshit. Stop lying and be transparent. Don't say you love all your fans and call out conspiracy theorists in the same breath. Both can't be true at the same time.

Don't do PR relationships for promo. Bad press isn't good press. It's bad press that's harming your image and growth.

How to do it: Stop doing PR relationships with lesser celebs. No one is buying it. Everyone is laughing, and the only one remotely interested in taking you on are 10 years your junior. It won't give you the promo you need either. Stop shitting on larries for press. Larry talk will always get you press because it's tabloid, but don't do it on fans expense. Do a denial or an interview if you must.

What to do instead: Use platonic female friendships as promo. Go parachuting with Florence Pugh and call the paps or film the whole thing and post on social media. Go visit Perrie and walk your dogs together. It will help rid you of the toxic male image, get you press (two celebs for one) and make it seem like you have a life besides partying. Stop being antagonistic to journalists and hostile to fans on twitter. Start building a relationship and a bond of trust.

Bonus: Start doing charity again (openly), let us back in your life (even if it's fake. I want to know which colour you're considering for your kitchen walls), i want social commentary on social media (what does he think about spitgate, the number of bins in England, and if he'd ever queue for a Stanley cup). I also want (and need) him to speak up against genocide. He's got an anarchy tattoo. Have some balls. He'd get good press from it too and kudos from his target group and the gp. I also need him to tease us more. I want something he's got in the works to look forward too, something not stunt related. Is he signing up for Soccer aid again? Is he doing a big interview? Post some lyrics on twitter. Engage us. Make things exciting and encourage a positive environment. It's not that hard to improve things tbh. The bar is that low.

[thestormthatrises]

End of the year #moshang thot!

SQH has always been MBJ's person. Since day one, even when he wasn't awake or aware enough to realize it, SQH was the one™️

He was the one to lean on, to trust, to search and follow. He was the one that wouldn't leave, no matter what.

He was the one who heard him when all of his words got stuck in his throat and he couldn't say anything at all. He was the one that filled the silence that came from the uncertainty and dread he was allowed to show. He was the one that knew him better than anyone.

Better than even his uncle had, once.

He was the one MBJ sought out to soothe him, the calm port in a lifetime of storms.

He was the one that could make him laugh. Or at least smile, by being silly, by being good... Just by being himself.

SQH was a part of him he hadn't known he'd been missing. The missing piece of his armor and... his strength. And MBJ knew, even without knowing; without realizing it or thinking-- just by the beating of his heart alone that, it would be ok, as long as SQH was there.

The world could shun him, turn against him, try to Destroy him... But he would still prevail.

Because SQH was there.

He was his person and his person has promised to follow him to end.

But the thing was that... MBJ wasn't SQH's person.

Like, at all.

SQH loves his king very much. He was this author god's favorite! Ten out of ten. Top character! Perfect creation!

But he wasn't SQH's person.

And one could say that it came from how they met. How that idealized version of MBJ in SQH's mind had clashed so very heavily with his bratty and demanding and violent reality put an end to the prospect...

But it wouldn't be true.

Others could say that it was the nature of their relationship. How, while MBJ could (and should! Definitely should! SQH was there for Dawang!) Lean on SQH, the same couldn't be said the other Way around.

I mean, don't get him wrong. SQH could, for sure, ask *some* things of MBJ, obviously.

He could ask for a sneaky one up, with his king teleporting him to places he needed to snoop.

Or killing. MBJ was so very good at killing.

Hell, MBJ - out of the kindness of his heart - could even be persuaded into getting some very rare materials for him for a mission or an experiment.

His king was awesome for sure!

....

But...

(Not a hug. Not praise--)

No.

That wasn't it, either...

And then there were those who thought that he could have a person already. It happened! You could love someone romantically very much, with all your body and soul but still have your person be someone else.

A brother or sister.

A cousin.

A friend...

Someone might even suggest that Cucumber bro might be Airplane's person.

Though, that someone might be advised not to say it to his face. Because he'd laugh at that until he was blue in the face and *then some.*

Peerless Cucumber! His person! Ha!

The man that would let him die if he wasn't useful! Ha!

The man that just came barging into his house without even a "please come in" and demanded shit from him! Ha!

The man that didn't even say thank you after he bent over backwards for him! Oh god!

The rich little troll that harassed him online....

Ah...!

No.

SQQ wasn't his person.

They were barely friends.

SQQ only kept him around as an errand boy and someone to talk at instead of to, complaining about the world around them and his inconsistent dead plot for PIDW, all the while his op husband stared daggers at him from the kitchen (Airplane wasn't worried, though. LBH might hate him for taking time from his 'precious Shizun' but he won't kill him. If SQH were were to die, then that would mean that he'd actually have to do his job as demon emperor and not be able to play housewife to his lazy husband.

He isn't above being petty about snacks tho)

No.

None of those were the reason because, in truth... MBJ wasn't SQH's person because SQH simply didn't have one.

In two lifetimes... He never did.

He did know, of course, about other people having a person™️. He was an average consumer of pop media. He watched soaps with his grandmother. He read romance books. Hell! He even wrote about it in his non-PIDW fiction.

It just--

It never happened to him.

He hadn't been particularly wanted in his first life. Bouncing from one household to the other, his whole life was summed in two suitcase and an old laptop since his parents first divorced.

When each of them remarried, he couldn't rely on them for any sort of scrap of love or help because they simply... Didn't want him - the living memory of bad decisions - around their new lives.

And when he went to live with his grandmother - god rest her -, even if she did spare love... She was old. She couldn't help him in an ever demanding world she barely recognized.

She could give him advice and pet his hair and tell him he was good...

But she was the one that needed help to shop, to clean, to pay bills. And then to take her medication, to bathe, to feed herself... And then to breathe, to pay for hospital bills, to--

He couldn't ever tell her things. Secret things. Insane dreams. Sincere doubts.

She loved him. But, even when grandma tried, she just wouldn't understand him.

And when she died... No one ever tried to again.

He went through his first life just trying to keep his head above Water and trying so desperately to survive. A hand outreached with no one to take it.

Maybe that's why in his second go, he didn't even try.

He knew the world he made. He knew the character he was stuck in. But, most importantly, he knew that the universe wasn't fair.

Because it was *him*, every encounter was transactional. People expected something out of him for them to give a shit. Be a good son and you can go to CQM. Provide your Peak Lord with good cakes and you're head disciple. Be a good spy and keep your life. Keep your head down and you won't die.

That's how he lived his life. In an eternal fan dance. Showing and hiding parts of himself. Desperately trying keep the soft, vulnerable weak parts of his heart hidden behind a subservient smile; tricking people with exaggerating allowed weakness; dazzling and misdirecting with his efficiency until he had enough power, enough control that killing him wouldn't be a plausible action.

After all, who would do all of his work?

So there he was, dancing on the knife's edge, calculating ever single step because he doesn't have a person and so, no one will be there when he falls

(However, what he doesn't take into account is that each of his steps are followed by a very keen - gorgeous, mesmerizing, bewitching - pair of eyes.)

It takes MBJ too long to notice that he isn't SQH's person. Much too long.

Junshang settles himself, elopes and lives in bliss.

MBJ had inherited his father's power and, with SQH, had dealt with his uncle. SQH had fled and MBJ had brought him back. They courted. They married. They were happy.

And then, one day, he realized it, very suddenly.

How it always surprised his husband when MBJ would do him a kindness, when the demon king sought him for affection. Of course, he thought it meant something good, because SQH lit up every time... But...

MBJ just never realized the small confusion, the hesitation-- the flicker of a shadow that flooded those dark brown eyes for the briefeat moment when he did so.

He realized that, though SQH always offered an ear to his problems, a soothing word for his hurts or just a simple hug for when even words were useless...

He never asked for them. He never talked about problems he wasn't halfway into resolving. He laughed away his hurts

He pulled away when he was overwhelmed.

And it wasn't that he didn't love or trust MBJ!

Mobei Jun knew, he *knew*, his husband. He knew when he was sincere and he was not. He knew his devotion. He knew his care.

But he didn't....

SQH didn't... *Rely* on him.

And it hurt.

It actually hurt. And in a way few things did.

A dull hurt. An ache that felt like an accusation, a judgement. Stupid and emotionally, he felt... He felt-- insufficient, for his consort; for his love.

Because... If not him, then who?

Who could be above him in Qinghua's heart?

But there wasn't anyone.

The more he watched, the more he laid attention to those careful, masterful steps... There was no partner.

SQH didn't seek anyone because there was no one--

No.

That wasn't true!

He was there! Mobei Jun was there!

There was an instinct-- Something very, very juvenile; deep inside, that wanted to lash out. Wanted to scream and roar and... hurt too. To demand SQH look at him and *see* him. To hold him tight until they fused together as one and then SQH would have no choice but have him as his person.

However, there was also the voice of experience. The dreadful pain of a lesson well learned about consequences of trying to pin SQH down when he didn't want to be. Of disrespecting his wishes and...

And losing him completely!

It was a fate worse than death!

So MBJ was forced to curb his baser instincts and do things the long (right) way.

He had to go along with the dance.

It wasn't that hard to learn it, seeing as he knew his husband but it was hard to keep a good eye on him.

SQH hid very fast.

Any sharp turn, any jab, any misstep, would cause a momentary, blink and you'd miss it, reaction. A twitch of the brow. A curled fist. A mere shift of one foot to the other

And then, it was gone. Buried under subterfuge and cleverness. An illusion hid behind a smile.

(And how could such beloved lips produce such a hated smile?

MBJ *hated* when his husband forced himself to smile.

It was almost-! A mockery of all that he loved!)

There was the denial.

SQH never *needed* anything, proudly proclaiming his self sufficiency. Of course, that didn't mean he scoffed at MBJ's gifts. No, he cherished all of them.

But, looking a little deeper, he could see the longing for things.

Sweets from passing stalls he never stopped to buy because they were in a hurry. Books he didn't stop to read because he didn't have time. Rich brown eyes following couples down the streets, long lashes dropping at the sight of gentle, open affection...

And then looking back at MBJ and smiling, radiantly.

As if there was never a pang in his heart.

It was a beautiful thing. But also hurtful and painful, specially done to someone that lived him so.

And there were thousands of these little things. These little pricks to the heart. The cuts on the soles of his feet trying to follow his person and learn his ways in their perilous waltz on the knife's edge; trying to build a way to something everlasting.

It felt like lingchi.

But Qinghua was worth it

Eventually, he managed to get the rhythm down. SQH's cues becoming a second nature.

Just like his husband knew how to read volumes out of the blankness of his public face, so did MBJ learn all of SQH'S little ticks. What brow furrow meant just mere annoyance or confusion and What meant that he was exhausted by the situation and needed a moment.

He learned to pay attention to was unsaid in the cacophony of his husband's speech, the hidden needs he kept away for the pressing matters of his king, kingdom, peak or whatever it was.

He learned hidden things, things that SQH didn't even know he liked himself.

Like, he didn't know how much enjoyed to having nails gently scarping against his scalp and his neck, as MBJ just pet him hair as they snuggled in the dark.

He didn't know he liked to Not have to check of someone was paying attention when he was speaking for too long.

He... Oh hell, he even liked to be able to share his nonsensical little stories he liked to work on in his down time with someone that didn't want tear it apart and over analyze it one way or The other.

It was just nice, to have someone read his messes and feel *something* because of it.

He didn't know he liked being able to wake from a nightmare and not immediately get up and leave, as to not disturb his husband.

It was good to know he could wake MBJ up, if he Wasn't up already (such a light sleeper, his king) and...

And...

And asked to be held.

But the best thing, the thing he liked best-- and the thing that too him a while to realize that he had.

Like actually truly had.

Was that he could just... He could just be, with his husband.

He could be silly and lazy and flirty. He could be petty and cranky and weak. He could be scared. He could be... Open, with him

And MBJ still looked at him like he daily hang up the moon and the stars.

And it was hard and painful because surely the universe knew it was him.

The universe knew it was him and wouldn't just give him such a good thing out of nothing

Surely, the other shoe was about to drop.

The day would come when all of this would stop.

Because he was Airplane shooting towards the sky.

And he couldn't have nice things. Ever.

But MBJ didn't stop.

And the shoe never fell.

And the day didn't come.

And SQH wouldn't say it (he didn't want to jinx it) but suddenly, a part of him that had been empty for two lifetimes, a hollow wound that never healed right-- got filled.

A missing piece of him had finally come back and he was whole for the first time in forever. There was someone here, crazy enough, patient enough, smart enough to see him. Truly see him. To challenge him. To inspire him. To love him.

Just as he was.

Someone that wouldn't leave no matter what he did.

Someone that was choosing him, every day, again and again.

And he wasn't going to say it.

He wasn't going to alert the universe of it's mistake or oversight.

He wasn't going to jinx it.

But...

He understood, he now really, really understood why people need and love their person.

(Because he needs and loves MBJ so much)

[afoxysunny]

So every time i listen to The Greatest Show from the greatest showman (this version specifically if you wanna check it out) i have to think about the circus episode of Lazytown bc my brain is rotten like a villain number one.

So today i want to finally write down some of this au that has formed in my head

Au where Robbie is an actual Circus leader and the kids are actually part of his circus

Let's start with Robbie Rotten, Ringleader of The Runaway Razzle-Dazzle. Rumor has it that he built this traveling circus up from nothing after running from a life where his ingenuity and flare for the dramatic where never appreciated and even forbidden, though nobody knows if that's actually true. His circus almost seems like a different world where neither physics nor time seem bound to their normal, boring behavior. Much like the name of his business and mysterious backstory imply, his fellow performers are all young children who, for one reason or another can't or don't want to go back home. Everyone has a weirdly descriptive name for their act and personality so, much like Robbie Rotten himself, surely they wear fake names for fun and flare.

Now let's go through the kids in alphabetical order

Ella Rotten - for all that's known she could be related to Robbie though people also say she was probably just the first to join him. She never says a word and does most of her talking through dance. While Robbie announces the shows she underlines him with grace and motion that should not count as language but everyone understands somehow. Behind the scenes she also helps a lot with organizations as she is incredibly charismatic

Jives Junkfood - stronger and taller than any other performer though apparently the same age as most others. His act involves some nice visual comedy and storytelling about healthy food giving him super human strength. It is said this obsession with food is a nod to the neglectful family he left behind when joining the circus. Off stage he helps mostly with carrying equipment and setting stuff up

Penny Pestella - some call her obnoxious and loud but nobody can say her magic shows aren't incredible. She is dramatic and hyperactive, knows exactly how to get attention on what she deems important and uses that perfectly for her tricks. Apparently she used to be a beggar and thief, trying to get some money going as her parents surely didn't. Her main job off stage is marketing their next shows in the new locations

Pixel Hyperbyte - a technical genius who quickly replaced Robbie himself with taking care of lights and music. Together those two are unstoppable at creating the woldest gadgets for any fantastical act. He isn't a performer himself, more a helping hand in the shadows. Rumor has it that he built the headset and arm cover he wears himself to hear again and properly use his arm in the first place

Stephanie Splitz - a phenomenal gymnast and dancer, even able to compete with Ella. When these two and Penny perform together on special occasions word travels farther and wider than the circus ever could. A jack of all traits but a master of none? Stephanie seems to excel at most everything she tries out and therefore quickly became and invaluable member of the whole circus. Apparently she joined the circus after her family sent her away when they didn't feel like they wanted to give their child the time of day anymore and instead of going to her politically powerful relatives she became a performer. Though, who would ever believe such an obvious lie, if she really was part of an influential family they certainly would've found her by now

Stingy Spoilero - another one rumored to be a descendant of a rich family, if that was true it was no wonder nobe of them came to get him though as his act was mostly based on making a comedic farce of rich man's stereotypes and a lot of physical comedy with the help of whoever wanted to play the sensible everyperson for Stingy's character to bounce off of and juxtapose. Despite supposedly having been kicked out of a high society family for not being talented enough in business he usually mans the ticket sales and other expenses of the whole circus without any issues

Trixie Troubleby - an unusual and rash girl, fearless and daring. She walks the tightrope like she's on the ground, throws knives without any show of it taking effort or concentration and even sometimes performs with Jives to prove her strength as well as gladly playing the villain for anyone who needs one in a set they want to perform. While talented in many physical areas she lacks the grace and grandeur her fellow performers like to put on. It is astounding how little is known about this powerhouse, though some whisper she must've run from a family completely opposite of her nature or else there would be no reason for her to not work a normal job.

Ziggy Zweets - the youngest of the performers and therefore not yet allowed on stage. He might be the most enthusiastic in the whole circus though and will help anybody there with everything he can, building on every skill he has until hopefully he will find the performance for himself. He definitely has the knack for putting on a good show already and simply needs to refine and calm himself which lead to many in the audience believing he joined the circus without a good reason to leave home while just as many speculate such a happy young boy would not leave home without something horrible to hode in his past

This post is a Kilometer long but we have one more person to cover

Sportacus - a wandering hero, as little tying him to one place as the wandering circus he was sent to investigate. A couple sent him there to find their sweet zweet son who ran off for absolutely no reason they could imagine. Sportacus tries to join the circus to find out why so many children would not go back home and if they're in danger in this circus taking them so so far away. But when he gets to know all them and this found family they have together he has to face that sometimes someone's parents aren't the best to grow up around

[alex-rambles]

You were locked in your basement?? Btw, if you do move, perhaps hide your phone in like your clothes or pocket as you’re wearing them. Trust me, it’s easy and they won’t suspect to look through the clothes you’re wearing and if you have to change clothes or whatever, just hide your phone again in the current clothes you’re wearing or even inside of your shoe. If you have a binder, it’s perfect to hide your phone inside of there.

This is a very long post that I made to explain my situation + it's a vent

Nonono not locked. I just meant my parents made me be down there with them. Yeah no when I said "trapped in my basement" I just meant with my family cuz the tornado sirens were going off don't worry. It was just kinda annoying.

I appreciate the help, but my secret device is actually a tablet they got me a year ago, and FORGOT PARENTAL CONTROLS, because my stepdad was setting it up and he is not familiar with the type of tablet it is. They thought they threw it away (I had two of em. One was much more monitored because it was from when I was little. They are just these Amazon Fire Tablets, and they thought they threw both of em away, because when they were cleaning out the closet they couldn't find it, and just assumed they threw it away earlier. I got lucky).

Lucky for me, it was actually in my room. The one my stepdad set up. The unmonitored one where I can browse the internet as I please and check out whatever website I want. The only thing was that I couldn't download any apps I didn't already have, as my mom would get a notification because of how the Amazon App Store worked.

I can probably put it in a backpack, but the wifi would have to change and they'd probably notice the tablet on the plan or whatever, and the tablet doesn't use cellular data.

My actual PHONE is monitored. It's an android with this silly google family link thing on it, and my parents (technically my stepdad, he's the one in control) can easily go into the app on THEIR phones, and check my screen time, and every app I have on it (and I can't even download an app without my stepdads permission. If I try to get an apk from the internet and install it, the thing blocks it), as well as what websites I've gone too recently.

HOWEVER, on the subject of checking websites, they can only see what websites I browse on google chrome. My phone came with another Samsung Internet browser, and on THAT, I can open an incognito tab (dubbed Secret Mode). But I have to be sparing with that because my parents will notice I was using Samsung Internet a lot if I use it too much, and then whoops, that'll get monitored too.

So basically, if we move, I lose what is basically my only lifeline, the only reason I'm politically aware, and the only resources I have as a trans person (my parents have offered groups, but I'm too socially awkward. I absolutely prefer face-to-face communication, yes, but with people I know, thanks. If I don't know you, let's just chat through Tumblr or QuoteV, yeah?). That's a problem.

But it's fine, we live in an expensive area because we got lucky when we moved in two years ago. And they said they will only move if we can stay in the same school district. So, fingers crossed, everything is too expensive. Lots of houses going up for sale around here, but they're all too expensive or not the conditions my parents want or need.

TLDR I already have a monitored phone, my secret device is a tablet, my parents never allowed me on social media because 'it's not safe' and they think I can't take care of myself, and if we move I lose the social media because of needing to switch wifi, which is big bad because it has been supporting me and keeping me entertained

[keithkogane]

sigh..................... if i must. -_-

@carneguisada @cheruphim @queenofsliferred if yall want to lmfao

Doing one of these but with my mutuals after seeing this image on my dash today!!

..Y'know he may be the god of war but.. I'm not mad. No, no not at all. :)

@xxgalacticambitionsxx @hatbox-apologist @ghostingyourass79 @kittieshauntedourfantasy @emerald194 @thatonerabbit @comical-icicle

[springtrappd]

You said in one post that the author of Solar Lunacy is ableist. Could you explain how they're being problematic? I know almost nothing about them or the story itself, so I wouldn't know if they've said or done anything sus. Also, thank you for actually criticizing the Daycare Attendant stans, almost nobody in this site does that.

thank you for asking! it's rare to see, you're right, but it's also rare that people are willing to actually engage with that critical posting, so -- again, thank you! as for your question: oh boy, can i!

first: the basics. dissociation is a psychological response to overwhelming stress wherein the brain... disassociates from itself, placing a barrier between itself and the harsh reality. the most famous dissociative disorder is dissociative identity disorder (DID), known formerly as multiple personality disorder (MPD) or split personality. did occurs when someone without a fully-formed identity (read: a child) undergoes such severe stress that the 'brain' dissociates from its identity itself, creating alternate identities (personalities) to deal with the things they can't. these alternate identities work together to form a system. it's way more complicated than that and you can read more on it here and here but that's the bare minimum for the ignorant in the audience. we all caught up? good! moving on.

now, the question of whether or not the daycare attendant is a system is a touchy one. i've seen multiple different stances on the matter, seen a lot of arguments, and typed (and deleted) several hundreds of words about it, and the answer that i've come to is that, for the sake of this argument, whether the dca is a system in canon doesn't matter. what matters is how bamsara treats them. how do they handle the characters, how do they frame the switches in personality, the confusion, all the parallels to real-world symptoms -- how do they expect the viewer to feel, what do they pull from the cultural lexicon, yadda yadda. does bamsara -- regardless of their intentions -- depict the dca as a system, and if so, how do they handle it?

the answer is that they depict the dca as experiencing altered identity states, switching (and even blurring) between identities, and even repeatedly acknowledges them as a plural entity.

and it is these behaviours, specifically, that are used to make the dca scary. bamsara's daycare attendant is scary because they experience altered identity states. because they blur identities. because they are a plural entity. because they display the textbook symptoms and behaviours of a disorder most commonly caused by childhood sexual abuse. and it is the fear that this is inspires that makes them (but especially moon & eclipse) sexy.

now, one can argue that this is simply in line with existing horror media, and they would be correct: most pop culture depictions of dissociative disorders are extremely ableist, and have real-world consequences! but what makes it really, really shitty is that... i don't want to think about this stuff. i don't come to fandom to be reminded that people are terrified of what they don't understand, and that that very very often includes the mentally ill. i don't want to be reminded that there are people who don't believe dissociative disorders exist at all. i don't want to reminded that they -- the sick, the survivors, the unlucky 140 million -- are spoken of in the same way as monsters. i don't come here for harsh realities. but solar lunacy is the most kudos'd fnaf fic on ao3, and we all have to live with that.

if you liked solar lunacy or bamsara's content or... whatever, i don't particularly care. i'm not mad about people thinking evil alters are sexy, or engaging with horror content that says shitty things about systems -- it's your life, live it how you please (and i've got a vanny icon so who am i to judge lmao). sometimes the things that make us happy are kinda shitty, and that's okay! our views are shaped by the society we live in, and there is no society on earth that is kind to the mentally ill -- there's no way to undo that, to stop that from influencing you in some capacity. but... all i ask is for you to think about this stuff, and try to educate yourself on the topic. there's nothing wrong with making a mistake, or having flaws -- but there's something wrong with making a space that feels unsafe, that reflects some of the more uncomfortable aspects of our society, that unintentionally hurts people. it's just up to you if that something is something you care about.

i hope that answers your question, anon (and anyone else who's curious). take care, mate!

(edit 13/01/2023: due to some technical difficulties on tumblr's end, the notes aren't quite showing up properly, so here's the link to bamsara's reblog chain if you can't find it.)

[wysteriaisapenguin]

Happy Duck Day

[twstinginthewind]

You know, I could do much worse. MUCH worse. I've seen my photo roll.

KSKSJSLSKSKLASIIS OKAY GENOS-

I'D NEVER SAY NO TO U 🤚

Tagging: @kingkyoujurou @presidentmonica @laudthingcat @kampfkuchen85 @cherrykamado @bxbycake @happygoluckyalexis @tonaken + anyone who wants to <3

[lightheaded-dullahan]

Alright, strap in for the lie of the decade So I got this ask

So I think; “well what’s this all about?” I open it up and its this pretty quoted interview, so I’m like “huh so what’s ‘oh boy’ about this? Then I start to read. AND OH BOY.

I think most people who look into Fate/Apocrypha have heard of this interview with Nasu and Higashide. If you haven’t; here is a quick run down of its contents.

Written out; if the image is annoying to read:

Trivia from interview with Kinoko Nasu, Takeshi Takeuchi, Konoe Ototsugu & Yuichiro Higashide. (Source from Comptiq, Newtype and etc). - The ligh novel was greenlit by Nasu, as supervisor, Higashide as writter and Konoe as illustrator art. - David, St.George, Kintoki Sakata & Musashibo Benkei were scrapped by Kinoko Nasu’s idea. - Nasu said these servants doesn’t fit into plot and they were replaced by four new servants instead. - Chiron, Avicebron & Achilles were designed by Takeuchi & Nasu, illustrated by Konoe in charge of character design. - Mordred is the culture of festival achievement thanks from TYPE MOON fanbase. - Addition of Mordred into F/A was Takeuchi’s idea and Nasu agreed. - Mordred was orginally to be male but Nasu feel that having two male characters look feminine (the other being Astolfo) would be too much. - However, Mordred as a male was not Nasu’s claim of actual fact. In truth, Nasu didn’t decided for final Mordred’s gender since Fate/Stay Night until Fate/Apocrypha. Which mean Mordred was “genderless” in F/SN. - After the project of online game was scrapped, Nasu said that all servants are too ridiculous powerful and might bored if the player’s powerful servant was facing against other player’s powerful servant. It’s like a hax. - The online game was based on Infamous 2’s gameplay style. - Nasu & Takeuchi were laughing about more Saber clone. In fact, Mordred is the real clone of Saber (Altria), so the wish has come true for those people who still saying about Saber clone. - Karna is Nasu’s favorite servant. Karna’s popularity has been skyrocket thanks to Fate/Extra CCC. - Astolfo is Konoe’s favourite servant. He is symbol mascot of Fate/Apocrypha. Higashide can’t even tell if this is comfortable or not since Astolfo is dude. - Yggdmillennia, Sisigou & Kotomine Shirou were planned by Nasu, Takeuchi & Higashide. - Higashide wrote all Sisigou, Reika & Black camp’s character development, while Homunculus, Kotomine Shirou & four new servants’s character development was already written by Nasu. - Nasu said that Shirou is basically a character who look to have “light outside and darker inside” personality. Uncanny different trait from Kirei. - Homunculus (Sieg) was Nasu & Takeuchi’s idea. Nasu wanted introduce male homunculus in Fate series for the first time. - Takeuchi & Konoe said Homunculus looks cute but dense person. - Takeuchi stated Homunculus & Jeanne are his new favorite characters, along with Altria. - Interviewer mention about why Takeuchi like Homunculus. He reply "It’s a secret" due it will trigger the spoiler. - Jeanne is based on real french student girl according to Takeuchi. She was at same college where Takeuchi studied, before he met someone as model of Arcueid Brunestud’s design from Tsukhime come to his mind. - The difference between Altria & Jeanne is sex appeal. Which is already explained in TYPE MOON April Fool 2012, where Heroine X (Altria) in furious when she heard that Jeanne’s sex appeal is better than her. - Tsukihime is Higashide’s favorite visual novel. - Nasu stated homunculus like Mordred can summoned as Heroic Spirit despite not human being. - The rules of magecraft in Apocrypha universe are same as in Fate/Stay Night & Fate/Zero except that there is no rule of Ruler classes. - Ruler’s duty is protect the Holy Grail and oversee the battle. - Interviewer asked Nasu & Higashide about why Jeanne hijack Leticia’s body rather than ritual summon. Nasu stated it was something broke the rule of HGW and corrupted the system. - Nasu mention the first servant who hijack human body is Avenger, Angra Mainyu from Fate/Hollow Ataraxia. Who control Emiya Shirou’s body and mind since he has no body but void form. The theory that come from Rin Tohsaka was correct. - Roa from Tsukihime was also can hijack the human body (Ciel & Tohno SHIKI) but reincarnation soul while he was in Akasha. - Nasu & Higashide admit it was silly idea in the first place. But they wanted Jeanne to have some disadvantages/weakness for herself due she was powerful servant and might kinda “boring” if she summoned as spirit form. (Avoid fan calling her a mary sue). - Which mean any servant can hijack the human body while in critical condition but it's rarely. - Karna’s background story has been altered in comparison to his original myth in Mahabrarat. This means, Karna is Nasu!Karna, not Myth!Karna which we know. - The rule of summoning Ruler is who can guide the war during in his/her past and a sainthood(?) as specific condition. Only one Ruler class is summoned in one war. The this system works in Apocrypha universe only. - St.George was remove because of this. Karna, however he refuse refer himself a saint and a killing machine who can kill God, summoned as Lancer class instead. - The Greater Grail force summon the servant as Ruler when met the condition completed. - If Jeanne is summoned in different universe without rules of Ruler, her class will be obviously Saber. She still will be summoned as Ruler if the mishap of war affected the result in different universe. - Jeanne was first mention in Kara no Kyoukai’s light novel reference: Mikiya Kokutou mentions her when he was discussing about Heroic Spirits who utilized the power of the Counter Force. - While the design for Jeanne wasn’t made during the production of the Fate/Zero novels, the design was completed around the time of the anime adaptation.

This translation was provided by @/ shinichameleon - who, in fact, is still pretty active in this fandom. They still post to this day. Now; what’s wrong with this? Well most importantly, Mahabharata is misspelled- no I’m joking that’s not the most important. 

Most importantly is This interview is a lie.

https://web.archive.org/web/20151107012557/http://shinichameleon.tumblr.com/post/62039911382/fateapocrypha-vol2-translation-of-detail

This is the interview being claimed has this information. But - this is an interview by Higashide ALONE after Apoc Vol. 2 was releasing. Nasu isn’t in this interview. At all. So; is there *any* interview with Nasu & Higashide? Yes; in Type Moon Ace 8. But that was *before* Apoc began its release so none of this information would have been there. So; maybe its another one? Well, as Petrikow on Fate/Apocrypha Free Range Spoiler thread discovered; no archivist has listed any other interview with both of them. Well what about the rest of the post? Seems like information is just from the product itself, not any interview. But why does this matter? Well; because this user, Shinichameleon has a rather ...unsavory reputation.

In addition this this set; they’ve also posts a supposed new route for the Ufortable adaptation.  Which....is blatantly untrue as we’ve seen. But then so this person lies about fate stuff (and gets it circulated for a decade), so what? Well they’ve also got banned from fate reddit(s) for posting false information. This includes falsely claiming Japanese Mordred and Semiramis fans hated each other; than Semiramis was hated in JP, KR, and CN fan bases after vol.4,5, and 6. They also tried to pull something similar with summer Ibuki, which is also proven not reliable at all through machine translation, using their own opinion as proof of character popularity, taking people out of context, and genuinely bringing bad fate (heh) arguments. But what else have they done? Completely make up information about Kiara Sessyoin?? Yep. They completely made up info.

“According from Kinoko Nasu & Takeuchi Takashi in EXTRA Material, Kiara Sessyoin is not her real name. Her real name is Inoriara Sessyoin and her actual age is late twenties. She was born as the daughter of true mantra of Tachikawa yo Tennaga, but she was bedridden and didn’t existed until at the age of 14 because she was sickly by birth. She was caught in commandments, that for their own “pitiable” appearance of the surrounding people who didn’t know it saves by saying, a pure human’s image that existed in the story vanished too.

At the age of 14, the believer was told by a doctrine of spirit hacking, her sickness recovers in a moment completely unknown to the outside. However, it accompanies along missing people and the dead increased suddenly, and she was completely denied in the presence level to the father who became aware of the accident, the reason “Though she is a woman, I am seeking to become one with that woman”, he  denied to realize it, then expelled on suspicions of violating two taboos of the Tachikawa Style. To that morrow, she takes away the father’s skull principal image, states “the master is deprived of technique tools” the last taboo was broken with this, the killer match of the believer, it left from all religious organizations that had become the dead, excluding her.

Afterwards, though she has saved the believers’ belief of the Tachikawa Style, the believe who became loved dearly was said to committed suicide one after another for her. In addition, she was put on the wanted list by the Western Europe plutocracy for the exploitation of code cast of the electronic brain, the maximum taboo in history.

Also she can fights and take down an average human nor a weak servant by her own potential without her final boss form. Just look at this video and count how many skills she got (Spoiler alert). And she is the first person who awakes ORT from eternal slumber....according from Koha Ace. Are you for real Keikenchi? “ So; fun fact -- none of this is true. It’s all made up. Oh; but you know what’s the MOST infruitating? “ The difference between Altria & Jeanne is sex appeal. Which is already explained in TYPE MOON April Fool 2012, where Heroine X (Altria) in furious when she heard that Jeanne’s sex appeal is better than her. “

THIS IS FAKE. THE FUCKING SEX APPEAL DIFFERENCE IS FAKE. You know the shit about Siegfried and Semiramis having a different artist and copyright issues with that is probably fake too. Anyways; what does this all mean? WE need to fucking recheck probably a good chunk of things we’re spreading around in this fandom. It also means that a lot of information on the Fandom wiki is likely straight up false (not surprising) which can mean its absolutely *useless* for lore referencing for *anyone*. This is for the English speaking side of the fandom so far; so; yeah. This is pretty fucked. Shinichameleon is now posting in danganronpa reddits so; I guess look out danganronpa fans.

[hummingjay]

When you say Storch is cuter than Starling (Starling's going to freaking kill you) based off something I asked @wolvzephyr

[dribs-and-drabbles]

Be My Favourite ep 9

This was another fantastic ep, and the only thing preventing me from saying it topped last week’s again is that there was NO MAX! 😮

BUT there was so much more character development.

First, Pearmai, because I wrote last week that I was curious about her backstory, especially her relationship with her mother. And we got to know this week already.

We got confirmation that Pear holds things in, hides them, and masks her true thoughts and feelings. She’s carried the hurt of her mother’s abandonment for so long, whilst her mother doesn’t see the harm she’s done and her father expects her to be ok with it all.

And now I understand why Pear desires marriage and a ‘future’ with someone so much – she wants to build the life for her own children that she never got herself. She wants to have the relationship her parents didn’t have, and wants to have the mother/daughter relationship she never got. (This is something I identify with so if the show doesn’t explicitly tell us this, I can’t help but to read it this way because it’s all too familiar for me).

I loved the way that her mother’s obliviousness to the way Pear feels is reflected in their clothes and art – with them both in black and white, opposites devoid of colour and life, whilst her artwork is FULL of colour, so much so that’s it’s pushing out from the canvas. It’s no surprise Pear feels the way she does in the face of her mother’s freedom and creativity and life – a life chosen at the expense of being a mother to her own daughter. Maybe Pear needs to either find reconciliation with her or to close the door to her in order to have happiness in the future?

I thought Pear’s reaction to Kawi, after learning from Not and then Pisaeng that he and Pisaeng were together, was a little disproportionate – she and Kawi weren’t dating, they were just friends. She may have been developing affection for him (or latching onto the next guy who showed her affection) and thought that he liked her and that they were on their way to dating, BUT they still weren’t together for this to be like Kawi went behind her back or cheated on her.

My interpretation is that this reaction could be a front to her real (maybe subconscious) feelings – disappointment that her future prospects at having the family she wants has disappeared again. I think that unless she can learn and grow from this and her relationship with her mother, she will just latch on to the next person who shows interest in her. I admit, I was afraid that she would do this with Not – we had seen in ep 7 that she eventually did do this in another timeline – but I’m so glad she walked away from him, deciding that if her future isn’t Pisaeng, or Kawi, it definitely wouldn’t be Not. Not in this timeline. And I think this does indicate that something has changed for Pear now. Maybe wanting to talk to Pisaeng about him and Kawi and therefore confiding in him about her mother as well has helped her shift her motivations behind her choices.

Some other smaller thoughts before I get onto Kawi:

At first, I was worried the show was transferring the drinking problem to Pisaeng…but I don’t think it is, because it seems that this occasion was him trying to protect Kawi. I don’t really like all this peer pressure to drink alcohol…but I’m also aware that it could be a cultural politeness thing, but it needs doing away with.

I ADORED the “Kawi, Kawi, Kawi” moment – has anyone gif'd the parallel to “Lao Wen, Lao Wen, Lao Wen” yet?! Paging @forcebook

Also, Pisaeng has a brown phone case?! Kawi’s colour! How have I not noticed this before?! @respectthepetty did you already know? If not, PSA: more colour-coded phone cases!

I’m not sure I like Kawi holding back or pushing Pisaeng’s affections away. He declared he liked Pisaeng and couldn’t bear to be wthout him but it feels like he’s not showing enough affection to reflect that. (It’s bordering on the blushing maiden trope which I detest). Maybe this is Krist’s own discomfort…? Or just that he’s been directed like that (because the directing so far has been brilliant), which is disappointing because I’d hoped the story wouldn’t do this to these characters. It’s good, at least, that Kawi tells us that he’s simping over Pisaeng and how attractive he is but I wish they would show us in Kawi’s body language and reactions to Pisaeng’s advances. Smh.

Right on to Kawi. And what a lot to unpack.

Speaking of the morning in bed scene and Kawi questioning if him and Pisaeng being together is “the right thing” – I’m glad it’s not about them being a gay couple (which the show emphasises a few times during the ep) but it’s not really any better that it’s in relation to theirs and everyone else’s future.

Kawi is still thinking about ‘fixing’ one moment in time, and for multiple people, rather than living in the moment and listening to his present desires (emphasis on both ‘his present desires’ and ‘his present desires’). At the end he worries about how many mistakes he will make in life (mistakes that affect others negatively) but he still needs to learn that he has no control over how other people are affected by his choices for himself. And that he can’t let that dictate the choices he does make, he has to let other people live their lives and he has to live his own. (@dimplesandfierceeyes wrote a great post related to this).

And as much as I’m shook about Kwan liking Not (as we all are), their situation perfectly highlights why Kawi needs to focus on himself and not others. Because as much as Kwan and Pearmai (and Not to some extent but we don’t care about him, right?) are hurting and unhappy now it’s SO GOOD that all of this has happened for these characters.

First we have Kwan. As much as this is hurting Kwan, she is being set free now instead of in 12 years' time. She is being saved from 12 years of hurt and pain and unrequited love. (Oh Kwan, beautiful Kwan. You’ll meet someone better. I PROMISE!) (Check out this fantastic reblog thread about Kwan by @lurkingshan, @jjsanguine and @twig-tea)

Then Pearmai. She’s hurting from her parents’ situation, and from the revelation about Kawi and Pisaeng, but she chooses to not just turn to Not. She turns him down and sets herself on a completely different path. She now has the time and opportunity to find love in another place (hopefully a happier one) and still get the family she wants.

(And Not, if I have to… This is good for Not too, because he gets to declare now [to himself as well as Kwan] that he likes Pearmai more than Kwan [and maybe other people he’s sleeping with], he’s being honest with himself and others [is that a bit of growth I see there? *she squints*]. And it’s fucking fantastic that Pearmai turns him down [not only because she deserves better] but because he can move on and maybe use this experience to change [the jury’s out on that for a while. As an aside, this ep made me retract slightly the thinking there might be a possibility that Not is also gay/bi and will also have his own realisation arc…but the show’s not over yet!]). Anyway, THIS IS GOOD. This is good for all of them.

Kawi thinks they’re all unhappy and it’s because of him, but he’s not able to see the full picture. There’s so much nuance in what they do want and what will make them happy that he can’t even begin to know or understand how his actions play a part in that. And the reality of it is, there are so many positives resulting from his actions as well. We already saw this in ep 8, where Max tells him he’s made a huge difference in his life. I love that Pisaeng gives Kawi hope and optimism for the future but I don’t think hope is enough, Kawi also needs to trust that the results of his actions are not always bad – it might take time but there are positives.

Last thing (because I know this is long!), I want to talk about this: “I will feel more comfortable if we are more equal”. I understand Kawi’s motivations here, he doesn’t want their relationship to be influenced too much by differences that could negatively affect them and their regard for each other – and financial disparity can be a sticking point for a lot of people - but accepting and leaning into the ways they aren’t equal is also healthy for a relationship. Each side can’t always bring the exact same things into a relationship. Balance can be found in other ways. I'm interested to know if this ‘theme’ comes back or gets built on in future eps.

And speaking of…it looks like next week’s will be fluffy and domestic where they settle into their couple dynamic. I can’t wait!

(also tagging @grapejuicegay @waitmyturtles @rocketturtle4 @ginnymoonbeam @chickenstrangers @wen-kexing-apologist @bengiyo @plantsarepeopletoo and @williamrikers in case you're interested! And sorry if I missed anyone.)

[the-punforgiven]

I remember the first time I heard the song Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake it was on a road trip and already playing when we turned on the radio on, I didn't know about the song beforehand so when it got to the chorus and the guy was like "I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooong-" I listened with baited breath, eyes wide, slowly turning to face the speaker like "Is he gonna say it? Are you even allowed to say that on the Radio?" And then he said jacket and I was like "Ohhhh ok nevermind"

[buttercupshands]

god I missed him so much in this manga

[uninformedartist]

I feel like Spindlehorse can't separate Helluva as a product from themselves as people. Same shit the fandom does.

Yeah that's actually what's happening. Now its understandable that a creator would be attached to their product/project in some ways because after all they made it can be seen as an artistic reflection of themselves and what they want the world to see. But there comes a point where you have to separate yourself from your property especially if it becomes mainstream for legal, professional and pr reasons. That is not seen with Viv and she includes too much of herself (good or bad) into her shows.

When looking at the core aspect of helluva boss the comedy, Viv tries to implement a lot of what she finds personally funny but... lets just say her humor is problematic in some ways or just down right unfunny. And this is very bold of her to do because she's putting what she finds personally funny which thinking in a greater scale is bad to do because everyones humor is subjective. Another thing to note is that her humor is in general very crass "edgy" and immature actually so dick jokes, SA "jokes", ableis "jokes" are all over her show and since this is what she finds personally funny, in our modern era that is a problem because many don't find this sort of humor funny in any way.

The main aspect of helluva boss fails. Viv and whoever she associates with put too much of themselves personally in helluva boss. Be it the humor they find funny or life experiences. And doing this causes issues because as seen by the audience at large (not talking about her bootlicking fanbase) they simply don't find that sort of humor funny or relate to whatever life experiences they insert in helluva boss. Then Viv and co get offended/or angry at the backlash their humor etc receives and proceeds to complain on twitter because this is their personal humor/experiences is being criticised.

Saw a few examples:

This was that horse joke in So2 ep1. It wasn't funny at all well to me at least, was informative but not funny and it was an actual thing that happened to Sam who is Viv's best friend/spindlehorse staff member. This "joke" had to be explained on twitter cos nobody got it, its an inside joke/life experience thrown in the episode that didn't land and now Sam had to explain it.

And this is a big one, the infamous dildos in the wall joke. Since the episode was written by Adam Neylan we thought it was his joke he made and a lot of people didn't find it funny because it was a stupid dick joke and where the joke happened was were Moxxie was physically abused by his father then the next scene had the dildos popping out the walls, complete tonal whiplash and was insensitive. Why I bring this up because it was actually Viv who added the dildo joke: this is highlights from the Helluva boss watch party.

And then she proceeded to go on twitter liking and retweeting any tweet of someone who found it funny when many didn't to I don't know comfort herself, maybe boost her ego. Yeah adding your personal taste in humor can backfire.

On the hivemind fandom, its like minded people in it and she cultivated this fandom over many years so Viv and her fandom are in the same boat together, nothing much to say there.

So yeah in short, spindlehorse and Viv add too much of themselves in helluva boss and it backfires because its not funny, relatable, problematic etc. Some separation between creator and product is key to avoid a lot of this as mentioned, getting too personal with your product especially if its released to a wider audience can save you a lot of hurt and backlash if what you're adding personally of yourself is problematic etc but you don't see it as such.

Sorry for such a long post ╭( ๐_๐)╮ I threw myself this morning into doing a lot of law past exam papers so my writing off the wall.

[thresholdbb]

I know there are so many things going on in the world, but this is a Star Trek blog