#literally the funniest thing I’ve made

[badwolfarcadiabay]

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.

[nyancrimew]

I’ve read your Wikipedia multiple times, cause I think you’ve done possibly the funniest thing on earth, but something caught my eye. Can you please tell me how the name lawn chair came about for your app?

lawnchair as an app literally only exists because i was shocked no one had made an android launcher with the "lawnchair" (say it out loud) pun as a name yet (it is basically just called "launcher launcher"), so i made the worst app ever, and then out of boredom copied every pixel launcher feature and it somehow blew up over night because some howto news website wrote about it, so it became my main project for a few years (with a very cool and slowly growing team of other volunteers) until i burned out and started doing some other stuff like uuuh searching for confidential documents, and thats how we're here now

[ink-perfect]

obsessed bf!gojo x gn!reader ⋆. based on: 22 - lil candy paint, bhad bhabie

gojo had a bad habit.

a bad habit of blowing up your phone.

it wasn’t the 'three texts in a row' kind of blowing up, either.

oh no, gojo satoru didn’t do small-scale chaos.

it was an art form for him. the type of masterpiece that made your phone buzz off your nightstand at 3 a.m. with thirty consecutive messages that alternated between blurry selfies, close-ups of his sunglasses, and texts like:

“hey👋 (with the intention of getting midnight sushi)”

“do u think panda would let me dye him pink? 🤔”

“pick up plzzz i jsut saw the funniest video on instagram but i accidnetally exited tje app it and cant find it anymore so i'm jsut going to explain it to you in excruciatign detail”

and tonight was no different—except this time, it came after your first real argument.

you couldn’t even remember what had set it off anymore, but it had ended with you storming off and gojo… well, doing whatever gojo does when someone’s mad at him (eating mochi and sulking).

soon enough, after an hour or so of no contact, the first barrage had begun: thirty consecutive texts ranging from the initial

“i’m sorry 🥺👉👈”

to a dramatic

“why do you hate me? 😭💔 (don't answer that.)”

you’d ignored all of them, determined to let him stew.

but then the calls begun.

ring after ring, voicemail after voicemail, starting out with intense professions of love that slowly faded into desperate pleas for you to call him back, text him back, to respond just once.

and when those went unanswered too, he escalated.

your phone buzzed on your nightstand, flashing yet another text. this time, it came with a photo—gojo lying facedown on what appeared to be megumi’s couch, his hand clutching an empty box of tissues. the caption read:

“i’ve been crying for 84 years 😢 come back pls”

you rolled your eyes, but found the corner of your mouth twitching up despite yourself. he was impossible.

another buzz. this one said,

“fine if ur not gonna answer just know ur the light of my life and i’ll literally wither away like an unwatered houseplant if u don’t forgive me soon 😭 also ur socks are still in my room do u want me to wash them or nah”

the buzz after that said,

“actually nah i'm not bothered to wash them"

and then another buzz.

"also u look hotter when ur mad 🥰”

the audacity of this man.

you let your impulses get the better of you and texted back a stern "leave. me. alone."

and not even a second later, your phone screen lit up with gojo's face for the umpteenth time.

you groaned, snatching it up and finally swiping to answer to put an end to all of this.

“gojo, what part of ‘leave me alone’ don’t you understand?!”

“oh my god,” he gasped, his voice overflowing with fake relief. “you’re alive!”

“i—”

“you weren’t answering, so i thought maybe you’d been kidnapped! or fallen down a well! or—”

“i ignored you,” you interrupted sharply. “on purpose.”

“no yeah, i got that,” he said breezily, completely unfazed. “but we're talking now! the devil sure does work hard, but gojo works harderrrrr."

"gojo—"

"so, how much did ya miss me?”

"gojo."

"also did you see my text about the socks?”

"gojo!"

“aaaaand i’m outside your window by the way.”

“you’re what?”

“outside!” he chirped back like it was the most normal thing in the world.

sure enough, when you yanked open your curtains, there he was—gojo satoru, standing on your lawn in a hoodie two sizes too big, clutching a mismatched bouquet of convenience store snacks and flowers that you could just tell he had made himself.

“ta-da~!” he grinned into the phone as you watched him hold up the haul like it was an olympic medal. “i come bearing gifts!”

you gawked at him. “are you serious?”

“deadly,” he said, his smile widening so much you could even see it from your vantage point. “i brought your favourite snacks, and also, i stole these flowers from my neighbour’s garden. don’t tell anyone.”

“oh my god.” you smacked your forehead, torn between laughing and drawing your curtains shut. “it’s three in the morning.”

“yeah, well, you didn’t answer my texts,” he said, pouting dramatically. “do you have any idea how sad that made me? i’m so sad, baby, like, devastated. i swear i saw my life flash before my eyes.”

you folded your arms, mock unimpressed. “what’s sad is that you think this is going to work.”

“it’s already working,” he shot back smugly. “you’re talking to me, aren’t you?”

you hated that he was right. you hated even more that your annoyance was quickly being replaced by amusement. he was lucky he was cute.

“toru, just go home,” you sighed, though your voice lacked its earlier venom.

“not until you forgive me,” he declared, dropping to one knee with such theatrics you were surprised broadway hadn't whisked him away already. “or at least let me in so i can grovel properly.”

“you’re unbelievable.”

“yeah. unbelievably in love with you.”

you threw a pillow at the window, even though it wouldn’t reach him, giving yourself a minute to think.

okay, more like a few seconds.

to be fair, you were sure he had learnt his lesson. and, well...you were craving ramen, which happened to be placed front and centre in his haphazard bouquet.

“fine!" you whisper-yelled into the phone, a smile already creeping its way onto your face despite your best efforts to stay mad. "but if you wake up my neighbours, i swear i'm locking you out.”

his grin practically lit up the yard. “deal!”

and just like that, you were stomping down the stairs, blanket in hand, ready to let in the most exasperating, ridiculous, adorable man you’d ever met.

because, really, how could you stay mad at him?

masterlist

© ink-perfect; est. 2024.

[coredrill]

i can’t believe this scene hasn’t made it here so i just want to post it for posterity. behold, shin kamen rider (2023) dir. hideaki anno

i don’t care if you don’t know kamen rider (i have literally only seen this movie) but PLEASE watch this. it’s the funniest thing i’ve ever seen with or without context

[spidermans-l-o-v-e-r]

9-1-1 Masterlist

Oh gee finally a place I can keep these! Thank you to my bestest most amazing friend in the whole world for making these headers for me i literally actually literally could not do it without you

Two of a kind

Buck can’t stop thinking about his coworker, so he does what every guy at 3am does on a 24 hour shift!! He sneaks out to his car to get off. But it turns out, certain coworkers (that might possibly be the love of his life) have the exact same idea!

Fairest of Them All:

The party downstairs rages on as Buck decides to do something about the pretty little thing he’s been staring at all night

Clothing Optional:

I can’t. I can’t keep writing summaries. I’ve done 2

After a stupid work shift, in the stupid heat, Buck just wants to enjoy a sweet little sundae, fortunately it comes with a side of dat ass (I’m not sorry)

That Should Be Me:

Buck has never ever been jealous ever a single damn day in his life

Gamer Girl

Buck thinks you’re so, so pretty. You’d looked even prettier with your thighs around his head

Now You See Me:

✨Mirror sex✨

Sleepy Hollow, 1999

Scream, 1996

The Exorcist, 1973

The Shining, 1990

Grease Lightning

The Polar Express, 2004

Growing Pains:

Everything is all wonderful and cool and dandy until you nearly die from your appendix!!

(I KNOW. THERE IS. AN AMBULANCE.)

Cry To Me:

Eddie loves when you’re crying during sex, nothing turns him on more… except when those tears are very very real and he’s very very worried

10 Things I Hate About You:

You guys freaking h a t e each other… or do you? Wink wink wink wink enemies to lovers wink

I Spy:

Eddie is the sweetest neighbor in the entire world… who knows where you work

Better Than Revenge:

You and Eddie get locked into a closet at your job after an accident, it also turns out your now EX boyfriend is a cheating asshole! Eddie has absolutely no problem filling in for the revenge role

Front Row:

Why do firehouses have to work f o r e v e r. Eddie needs a freaking shower and to pass out for the next six years on an overnight shift. It turns out someone has the same idea, and possibly another idea on how to left off some steam

Yeti Point:

Eddie finally takes you on that skiing vacation you’ve been begging him for and it’s going great! Until you get snowed in. But that’s okay, Eddie has a secret plan to keep you both warm

Slow and Steady:

Buck helps Eddie into the house, holding him up as you frantically get the bed ready for your injured boyfriend. Turns out, pain killers make Eddie horny!

(Hahahahahaha)

Encanto:

Dad!Eddie x Daughter!reader

Nightmares never get easier no matter how old you get. Especially ones where your father dies

Smoke Dector:

Eddie always has to be the hero, okay not really but it’s hard when you see your boyfriend running into a burning building for the first time

One Puff Or Two:

Take your freaking inhaler Eddie 🔪🔪🔪

Into The Fire:

(PTSD WARNING, PANIC ATTACK WARNING)

You’ve been on edge lately, and Eddie knows there’s something up. One night things come to a head when you have a nightmare about what happened and Eddie wakes up to a very bad situation

Night Changes:

Eddie comforts you after a bad nightmare about him dying over and over in different ways (based off of 5.14)

Busy Bees:

Two words ✨Sex Pollen✨

Soup or Salad?

✨I’ll freaking summarize this later✨

Sink or Swim

I Was Made For Lovin’ You

Halloween, 1978

It, 1990

Die Hard, 1988

A Rose by any Other Name

This is one of the funniest titles I've ever made up. Buck finds your simple collection of toys and shows them to Eddie... and now they want you to put on a little show for them

Finish Line:

A little game of "whoever cums first loses"

Twice Bitten:

Double Penetration from my kinktober list!

Alexander Hamilton:

Buck can't stop having feelings for Eddie's girlfriend... but what if that's okay?

Captured, With Love

[inuyashaluver]

Queen! Ur writing is always so perfect 💋 would u consider writing something for Mearps?

tiktok exposure - mary earps

mary earps x reader

description: in which your secret girlfriend exposes your relationship on her tiktok

warnings: reader gets slapped with a tortilla - funniest warning i’ve ever written in my life, little swearing, unhinged but so am i

a/n: omg, lovely, you’re so sweet! thank you for the kindness and the request, hope you enjoy ❤️

⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆

you and your girlfriend, mary were in a relatively ‘secret’ relationship. your friends, family and teammates all knew about it, the only people really left in the dark was the media.

there wasn’t any specific reason for it, you and mary just thought it would be better this way in the beginning stages of your relationship. but the thing is, you’ve been dating for over 5 years and people still think that you and mary are just affectionate best friends. slowly but surely, you both didn’t want to hide it any longer.

—

you met mary in the england youth teams. originally, she didn’t like you at first. you were a forward and she was a keeper, and even though you were on the same team, her body would burn in anger when the ball you sent to the back of the net would graze her fingertips everytime.

you were always labelled a sweetheart, one of the nicest girls on the team by a long shot and no one could deny it, not even mary.

she always claimed she didn’t like you but as the time progressed, she began to admire you. mistaking her ‘dislike’ for intrigue.

to ‘settle your differences’, you and mary were forced to room together at every camp, meaning the two of you would talk and goof off together. it was clear to your teammates that you both liked each other, so with a gentle push, mary made the first move and asked you out. and ever since then, you’d been inseparable.

—

you and mary ended up playing together at all the same clubs, labelling the two of you as the unstoppable best friends, something that the two of you would laugh about.

—

it was the women’s world cup, you and mary getting called up for the senior team at the same time in your shared flat. it was nerve wracking, yet exciting, as everyone had good feelings about the tournament.

during this time, your girlfriend had grown quite a love for frequently posting on tiktok, making random videos with your teammates everyday. occasionally she would vlog and get you to say “hi” the comments always saying how cute your friendship was.

“hello, everyone! millie and mary here,” mary holds the phone while she sits on the plane next to millie, you’re sitting behind her. “we’re gonna play around with this guess the country filter while everyone is sleeping” mary says in a lame attempt of a whisper while her and millie cackle.

millie glances around the plane until her eyes fall on your sleeping figure. “literally everyone is sleeping right now, look at your girl over here” millie gestures to you and mary’s face lights up, she lifts up her phone to show you sleeping next to maya, both of you bundled up in hoodies. though what mary didn’t realise, was that you were wearing her hoodie.

“sleepy girls” mary coos before laughing and propping the phone up so they could continue the video.

“what’s that?” millie asks

“jaw, teeth? mail teeth?” mary says in full confusion

you woke up to the loud laughs of mary and millie with a groan, you peer over the front of your seat to see the two of them goofing off on mary’s phone. you’re visible in the camera, your tired eyes evident on your face.

you slap them both on the back of the head and they both let out a gasp in surprise, snapping their heads to see a very grumpy you staring down at them.

“too loud” you grit out and mary smiles up at you affectionately, moving her hand to pinch your cheek gently. “sorry, love” she laughs, millie blows you a kiss in apology and you couldn’t help but smile. before you sit down, you wave at the camera, “it’s india” you say simply before sitting back down, hearing the excited yells of astonishment at your correct answer.

the video blows up, specifically the comments saying how funny you all were. there were some comments saying how you were wearing mary’s clothes and some saying the way mary looked at you was anything but friendly but fans were quickly shutting them down.

everyone truly believed the two of you were best friends but the video began to decay those opinions. the speculations were growing and you and mary honestly found it quite funny.

—

you and mary room together, forcing you to film as many videos as she could with you. her tiktok page filling up completely with random videos during the day or challenges she would do with different teammates.

the social media admin was also having a field day with all the content being released from mary, they’d also been releasing their own. one that sparked a lot of interest in particular, was one of you and mary arriving to a game.

she’d gotten off the bus first and waved to the camera, grabbing your hand and helping you walk down the stairs. when you reach the ground, you look up at her and smile affectionately before she bends down slightly, showing you her back.

you instantly take the invitation and she piggybacks you while you wave to the camera.

“i only arrive in style” you joke at the camera, throwing it a wink as you rest your cheek against mary’s. “what about me?” mary mocks, you just smile and nuzzle into her.

in the distance, ella is speaking to alessia, “i wish my partner was here so i didn’t have to walk” she jokes, it’s barely audible but fans picked it up right away. at this point, you and mary didn’t really care, you were just being you and having fun and that’s all that mattered for the both of you.

—

though, a video that fully confirmed your relationship was made by mary. she’d begged you to join her on a challenge and claimed it would be extremely funny.

“baby, please, it’ll be so good!” she pleads, hugging you from behind while you brush your teeth. “can’t you ask me later?” you muffle out, mouth full of toothpaste and she laughs affectionately. kissing your cheek repeatedly as she squeezed your waist gently. she stares at you in the mirror and you give in easily, “fine” you groan, finishing up brushing your teeth as she squeals excitedly.

you had training today, both of you agreed to film the video at the training facility as it involved water.

she’d clearly already organised this, when she walked you in the room, the entire team was there and had brought all the materials.

you laugh in disbelief as your water bottle and tortillas are thrusted in your hands. “what are we doing again?” you smile at mary while she gives the phone to another tiktok expert, esme to film. “so we fill our mouths with water and then do scissors, paper, rock and then whoever wins slaps the other person with the tortilla” mary explains, all the girls are in fits of giggles excited to see the video happen right in front of them.

you shake your head amusingly but agree, laughing when mary gives you your tortilla. she does a quick intro with her arm slung around your shoulder. “hello everyone, me and this hottie over here have a great video for you today, enjoy!” she says cheekily, you roll your eyes at the pet name and ignore the teasing coming from behind the phone.

you fill your mouth up with water and try not to laugh at mary’s appearance, she was clearly trying to make you laugh and it took everything in you to hold it in. you send her a warning glare before holding your hands up for scissors, paper, rock.

you win the first one and gently slap mary’s cheek with the tortilla, clearly missing the challenge. people awe at you from behind the camera and you look at them confused, mary swallows her water and laughs. “you’re so cute, (y/n/n)!” millie yells and you try not to laugh at her.

“you need to slap hard!” mary exclaims, your eyes widen but you nod, gesturing for her to continue. you win again and look at mary trying not to laugh. you slap a little harder but still quite gentle and mary smiles at you, swallowing her water and pulling you into a little hug.

“i’ve picked the wrong person to do this with” she coos, you swallow your water and laugh when she cradles your head to her chest. “you’ve gotta slap me really hard with it, love, don’t hold back!” mary smiles at you before separating again.

you get back into position and do scissors, paper, rock again, this time mary wins and you look at her nervously. she smirks and lines the tortilla up next to your face. you let out a little squeal in fear as she pretends to slap you but doesn’t. the team laughs brightly at the interaction, some of them a little scared for your cheek.

mary finally slaps you with the tortilla and your eyes widen in shock and you spit out a little water in the process. the slap was hard, so hard that she broke the tortilla in the process. people let out shocked gasps and laughs as they watch you recover. you were trying not to spit out your water from laughter but failing completely, you keep laughing with little spits of water coming out of your mouth while you hold your cheek.

mary looks at you in shock, swallowing the water and cradling your face between her hands. “baby! oh my god, i’m so sorry” she looks into your eyes and smiles when she sees you laughing.

“shit, mearps, the gym is working out for you” you joke, she kisses your slapped cheek repeatedly as an apology and you can feel yourself growing warm. “i’m so sorry, my love” mary says earnestly, you kiss her cheek back and tell her not to worry about it.

you walk up to the camera with a big grin, showing them your cheek with a laugh. “confirmed, mary earps is a tortilla abuser, slapped her own girlfriend” you joke, mary laughs brightly from behind you, “oi!” she hoists you over her shoulder and you let out a gleeful laugh, she playfully slaps your behind and runs off. esme stops the camera and the girls watch it back together, pissing themselves laughing at it.

mary takes you to a hidden corner of the room and pulls you into a loving kiss, it lasts for a couple seconds before she pulls back and inspects your cheek. “i’m so sorry, baby, i overestimated the strength of the tortilla” she laughs, “it’s okay, babe, now i can say mary earps slapped me with a tortilla, big achievement” you shrug, she smirks and closes the gap, kissing you again quickly before walking towards the girls again.

—

the video blows up, becoming one of the most popular world cup videos as well as the confirmation of your relationship. everyone claims “they knew it” on the video and sending the two of you support. now that everyone knows, mary will make couple tiktoks with you and feeds everyone in the woso community their favourite couple content.

⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆ ★ ⋆

you know the drill!!! - just pretend it’s you xx ily chlo

liked by mayaletissier and 44,232 others

1maryearps: when she confirms the relationship 🫦

view all comments

yourname: mary earps slapped her own girlfriend with a tortilla

↳ 1maryearps: i said i was sorry!

↳ yourname: YOU. SLAPPED. YOUR. GIRLFRIEND. WITH. A. TORTILLA

↳ 1maryearps: I’M. SORRY.

↳ yourname: you’re lucky you’re cute

↳ mbrighty04: you’re the cutest (y/n/n)!

↳ yourname: no you mills!!

↳ 1maryearps: i’m sorry, am i missing something here?

↳ mbrighty04: mind your business

[descendantsramblings]

Love the morgie and hook dominant!reader, maybe another headcanon version with submissive!reader, sfw pillow princess vibes?

Sfw pillow princess is the funniest statement I’ve ever read but also I have NO CLUE how to describe what you’re asking for otherwise. I can absolutely do that love, I love playing with the dynamics of hook/reader/morgie they’re literally my boys

Babydoll

James Hook x GN! Reader x Morgie le Fay

No Pronouns Used

Warnings: SFW Dominance, vomit mention, pet names, mentions of makeout sessions but absolutley no detail what-so-ever, neck kiss mention, jealousy mention, hot type of possessive tendencies (not yandere shit), mentions of Hooks and spells being used violently

Word Count: 1.7K

Anyone who was anyone was well aware that Morgie le Fay was head over heels for you from the second you started at Merlin Academy. 

Which is what shocked everyone when his roommate asked you out, nobody thought that Hook would betray him like that 

Of course the rest of the school wasn’t aware that he had asked Morgie out too, for the same night, same time, and same place

James Hook has always been a man who knew exactly what he wanted, and what he wanted was you and Morgie. He had no shame in taking what he wants, and both of you were well aware of that

It was a shock to Morgie when James said they had to go pick you up before they could go, and it was a bigger shock when you had both guys who caught your attention standing outside of your door. 

Not that Morgie could complain, even if his crush on you was more noticeable, he’d had a thing for Hook for years. Probably since the day that they moved into their freshman dorm. 

And you weren’t one to complain either, having two extremely attractive guys fawn over you felt extremely good

Hook pulling out your chair for you, Morgie ordering for you when he could tell you were nervous about talking to the waiter

They were taking care of you, had you right where they wanted you. And it felt amazing, you needed it to be more than just one night 

Lucky for you, neither boy had any plans of letting that night be the only one. There would be many more dinners and picnics and walks and whatever else they could think of to pull a smile out of you

The three of you made it official by your third date

It didn’t take either of them long to realize that you were putty in their hands when they did anything someone could consider as an act of dominance, and they surely did like that 

Like you were their little doll, theirs to touch and tease and dress up, they loved that

Hook Focused Headcanons 

Obviously, as the Captain of a pirate crew, James is used to being dominant in his life

But with you (and Morgie if the boy is also leaning towards being more submissive that day) he gets to be gentle in his dominance, and by god does he like that

His Hook pretty much stays tucked into one of your belt loops, holding you against him.

Lips constantly brushing over your temple or forehead, not pressing against them but leaving the ghost of a kiss on you. As if you’re fragile in some regard. 

He can get more aggressive though, especially if you’re being bratty or someone else upset him

You’re no stranger to having kiss reddened lips from your place against a wall if he sees fit

But more so, he loves being able to be gentle with you

If you need help with something and he can tell, it’s “Love, let me help you” before you can open your mouth to ask for it

If you wear makeup and you’re getting frustrated with it, he’ll kneel in front of you and take over for you, damn near cooing at you about how pretty he thinks his partner is

He loves getting to introduce you and Morgie to people, “This is my partner, (Y/n) and our boyfriend, Morgie” he’s so proud of it

You spend an ungodly amount of time perched on his lap in the hideout or the courtyard (with Morgie’s hand tightly grasped in yours) 

James isn’t much for holding hands, but as long as you’re okay with it he loves PDA. Again with the belt loop agenda, but also kissing your forehead/temple/cheek, and lap sitting, and kissing you at school dances. He’s got part of himself touching you pretty much at all times

 Pet names fly off of this boy’s lips on basically every single sentence he lets out and you eat it up every single time

He likes to use different ones to see what you react to better, he takes a mental note on nicknames you seem to prefer. 

If you’re clingy, he eats it up he adores feeling needed

Hook loves to pick out your outfits for you, especially when he can get you in colors that he and Morgie prefer to wear

After the first date, he continued to pull your chair out for you and scoot you back into the table any chance he got 

Morgie focused Headcanons 

You’re significantly more likely to be a brat for Morgie because he’ll put up with more before putting you in your place (unless Hook gets tired of it first and beats him to it) 

Morgie isn’t huge on PDA but he loves to hold your hand. He actually prefers to hold one of yours in both of his, as if you’re absolutely precious

He carries your bag/books for you in the halls when you’re on the way to class

Morgie is really big on planning dates, he loves it. You and Hook just have to dress appropriately and show up, he’ll handle the rest

Has never and will never forget an anniversary or birthday, Morgie is on that. 

Even though he’s not big on PDA, you best believe he’s kissing you before you part ways, just a little peck on the lips.

He’s really intune to your emotions, the slightest hint of you being any form of upset will lead to him opening his arms with a “Come here, Baby” 

Puts your shoes on for you (+ties them if they need it) 

Literally doesn’t let you carry anything, not because he thinks you can’t but because he doesn’t think you should have to 

 He’s a lot less likely to get aggressive with you (he will with Hook if James deserves it) but when he does, by god have you earned it

On nights where you end up staying with them without intending to, it’s always because of him. Morgie is no stranger to laying on top of you and dotting kisses on your neck and shoulder until you agree to stay the night with them

He has your go-to orders memorized, and unless you mention wanting something different that day he orders for you without having to ask

Big fan of buying you flowers, your nightstand never goes bare 

He fixes your clothes or hair anytime he can notice them out of place as if it’s second nature for him

If you’re telling him something and get flustered and look away, he’s no stranger to tilting your chin back up and telling you to look at him. 

Often is the one telling you to go to bed, he wants to sleep and also knows that you don’t sleep enough 

He will tell you to ask him nicely if you ask for something while being bratty, and you’re not getting it until you ask nicely or get it yourself 

Back to both of them 

They will find any reason to have you stay the night with them (“It’s raining you can’t walk back to your dorm in that, Baby” “It’s far too cold for you to go back to your dorm, Love, you forgot your jacket.” “You know, Darling, we have plans early tomorrow, you may as well just stay here and we can get ready together”) 

They’re not above referring to you as Theirs to others, no one gets to have the idea that you’re open to more than just the two of them

You haven’t had to actually get up and get something for yourself the majority of your relationship,they have you so incredibly spoiled

Both boys have a tendency to slide a hand on your back to guide you through crowds

They’re big on praise,both to you and from you. If you like something they’re doing, tell them

If you’re getting sick, Hook is holding your hair (or rubbing your back if your hair is shorter) while Morgie is getting 2 wet rags (one to wipe your mouth, the other for the back of your neck) 

When they get you to sleep over, more often than not you fall asleep listening to James’ heartbeat with Morgie spooning you so incredibly warm and wrapped up in them 

Or you’re the middle spoon, Hook curled up in your arms with Morgie’s face nuzzled into your hair

Rarely (as Hook hates to be the big spoon) you’ll fall asleep with your face nuzzled into Morgie’s chest, his arms stretched around you to rest on Hook who’s spooning you. All six of your legs creating a tangle

They don’t get jealous of each other (obviously) but by god do they get jealous of other people

If a prince gets a little too comfortable and starts flirting with you, there’s suddenly two guard dogs on either side of you, their hands wandering over you as they’re glaring 

Which will end up with you in their dorm or a dark corner, them taking turns with your lips while the other whispers in your ear about how you’re theirs (Not that you need the reminder) 

Rarely, when Morgie is feeling especially submissive, you two are the brat duo of James’ nightmares (he finds the both of you playing your attitudes off of each other mind-numbingly hot but be he wouldn’t admit that with a sword to his neck) 

 Hook rarely gets submissive but more so needy, laying down and looking over the two of you before demanding that you “Come cuddle” 

Pirate ship dates where Hook is steering and Morgie is rubbing sunscreen on your back 

Swimming with them is the absolute worst though, Hook loves to play colors and think of the most ridiculous colors to keep dunking you in the water (Who in their right mind thinks of burnt-sienna while playing colors) And marco polo with Morgie leads to him cheating every single time 

They’re without a doubt protective over you, especially if you’re not a villain. No one is making their partner feel out of place

And if someone threatened you? That golden Hook or Morgie’s book of spells would be put to good use, no one is going to threaten you and get away with that 

They’re obsessed with you, you hung the stars to them. They’d do whatever you wanted to make sure you were happy, to ensure that you don’t want to leave them (not that you’d ever so much as consider it)

[ecoterrorist-katara]

Hear me out! Chief!Katara x Ambassador!Zuko

I'm sure it's already been done before, but imagine an AU where Iroh dies and Lu Ten lives and becomes Fire Lord. Lu Ten's experiences during the war and his father's death give him a different outlook on his country and his family. He becomes Fire Lord after Sozin's death and decides to change things for the better.

(This would include him stepping up for Zuko and Azula. I like to imagine he's a huge dork who's constantly getting bullied by them. Idk what would happen with Ozai and Ursa here, but I like to think Ozai is just a hermit loser who pulls away from all of them including Azula which allows Ursa to start getting through to her fully in a way she couldn't before. Somewhat mentally stable Azula ftw)

Anyway, because of Lu Ten's change of heart, he decides to start with reparations in the Southern Water Tribe and Earth Kingdom villages. For the Southern Water Tribe, this allows for infrastructure developments which means easier contact with the Northern Tribe as well as rebuilding.

Hakoda brings his kids to the Southern Water Tribe for their first point of contact in decades and Sokka is immediately smitten with Princess Yue. She's been betrothed already, but Hakoda (with his feminist icon mother Kanna we stan) gently dissuades the NWT chief from forcing his literal child into marriage.

(And oops! He accidentally started a feminist revolution in the north. Well, it was a combination of that and tiny Katara proudly going around and telling the NWT women about the brave female members of their tribe that fought and lost their lives in the war. You know that meme about how Kanna sent Katara to kick Pakku's ass? Here, it's more like she sent little Katara to cause an uprising to the point where it was either he starts teaching everyone who wants to learn or they all boycott. In short, Pakku becomes the first person in the ATLA to get his ass cancelled)

Anyway! Sokka and Yue get married somewhere down the line as adults. But since she's the only NWT heir it means he has to rule with her in the North. And since Katara is the only remaining SWT heir, she becomes chief. Under Chief Katara's rule, the SWT proposers. And once a certain escaped prisoner comes back after the war ends, Katara becomes powerful too.

Zuko takes an interest in learning about other cultures. For so long, he was told that the Fire Nation was the superior nation and that they were doing the right thing by enforcing their rule on the other nations. With Lu Ten's reform, he's become curious as to what made his cousin change his mind. So Lu Ten decides to take him with him on diplomatic visits. Zuko experiences and learns what makes the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes different, but also great.

Once he visits the SWT he's immediately enthralled by its compassionate, brave, and powerful leader. Although, Katara isn't particularly impressed with the bumbling ambassador who can't seem to form words around her.

Zutara AUs are so fun that not even I can resist them. I like this because it's a cute reversal on Fire Lord Zuko x Diplomat Katara

👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑 YOUR BRAIN IS FUCKING INGENIOUS PLEASE LET ME PUT IT IN A JAR ON MY MANTLE IN A NON CREEPY WAY THANKS!!!! Your capacity for a Zutara AU is insane considering you’re not even a ZK shipper 🙏🏼

So much to love!!! Lu Ten the Loser Lord! Kanna the feminist icon weaponizing her granddaughter to cancel Pakku! Hama living in the SWT (can we have bodyguard Hama??? I’ve been thinking about General Hama in @lykegenia’s The Things We Hide like, once a month, ever since I read it back in March and I think bodyguard Hama is a great variation…you’re never too old to girlboss). Yuekka ruling the NWT! ZUKO BEING A DUMBASS AROUND CHIEF KATARA PLEASE!

I think Ambassador Zuko is the funniest idea ever for like, many many reasons, but the funniest thing to me is how in this AU Lu Ten would need to choose nepo baby Zuko or nepo baby Azula as the diplomat and both are…kinda bad? Zuko would genuinely want to learn to be diplomatic but it does not come easily to him and he would start international diplomatic crises by accident, while Azula does understand diplomacy as a skill but arguably too well and would start international diplomatic crises on purpose.

anyway yes Zuko would absolutely lose all faculties of speech and possibly thinking once he encounters Katara, who is so passionate and thoughtful and devoted to justice! And she’d be like “who’s that Fire Nation idiot who can’t even string three words together? Doesn’t he know reparations are serious business??” And the people from the other nations would be confused because they’re like, Ambassador Zuko is really fair and actually a pretty smart guy what are you on about? THEN maybe she’d think he was doing it on purpose to undermine her…sorry I have to insert a classic misunderstanding somewhere…

ANYWAY if anyone has fic recs for Ambassador Zuko and Chief Katara PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I haven’t read any new Zutara fics in months because my autism compass changed direction, but new year new me etc

[maxwell-grant]

“What's impressive?! I've been a boy this whole time!”

(Spoilers for Puss in Boots 2: The Last Wish)

Big Jack Horner was delightfully wretched and felt a lot like he was a Shrek villain stuck in a Puss in Boots movie and it made for a really interesting contrast, with everyone else in the forest going through swashbuckling adventures of personal growth and companionship, while he’s cheating and steamrolling his way through everything with darkly comedic brutality, quite literally pulling Shrek gags out of a bag as he just kills and burns and stomps his way through the magical wonderland.

It’s like he was designed to be the Final Boss of Shrek, except there’s currently no Shrek movies for him to be in so, into the Puss in Boots sequel he goes, almost like this dark embodiment of the shadow cast over the Puss in Boots franchise that it must surpass (and somehow did). He just does not play by any of the same rules everyone else does and it’s great, it lets everyone look better by default. It lets the Puss vs Death story play out in all it’s poetic glory but still gives the movie a proper bastard for everyone to gang up on. I didn’t think of that at first, but I’ve read some comments and wonderful analysis commenting on Jack Horner as a extended pisstake on Disney, an update of Lord Farquaad for modern times, and it’s an analysis that makes a lot of sense.

In that regard: while this couldn’t possibly have been intentional given their release dates so close to each other, I do think it’s pretty funny that Jack winds up connected to Pinocchio, a character who had having a rather busy 2022 if you can tell. Not only is he followed around by a bootleg Jiminy Cricket, but we see that Jack, who was extremely well-off and spoiled throughout his entire life, bears an incandescent bitterness against all magical creatures (and Pinocchio specifically) for taking attention away from his roadside show, which consisted entirely of him reciting his nursery rhyme over and over (even his family was shown bored by it), and so that’s why he wants to own ALL the magic in the world: so that nobody else gets any.

He, who already owns a massive empire and business and land and literally endless collections of powerful magical artifacts he can use to achieve anything he wants a trillion times over, who doesn’t even know what most of what he has does or is worth, is driven by the fact that Pinocchio upstaged him once,

and so nobody else should get to do anything like that ever again.

(Again, not saying this was remotely intentional, just a funny coincidence)

Also wonderful how his ultimate undoing comes from said bootleg Jiminy Cricket, one of the countless employees he’d abused and crushed over the movie, finally having enough and sending him his incendiary “resignation letter”. 2022 saw the year end with a movie where Jiminy Cricket ends a titanic corporate manchild’s reign of terror and life by setting a magical contract map on fire and freeing everyone from it.

It doesn’t even register as one of the best things about the movie only because the movie has SO many best things going on, that it can just casually work in one of the funniest Shrek subplots of all time like it’s easy. Still shocked at how good this film was and how much life they injected into it, perfect movie to end or start the year with.

[b4tasquad]

Can I ask for a filly imagine?? Something like the guys finding out that he's seeing soneone?

MESMERISED: YUNG FILLY

Authors note: no you’re not mistaken… b4tasquad actually posted for someone that isn’t Niko😭 love love filly, so here’s this🫶

Warnings: none!

…

“What the fuck is up with you, man?” Filly, who had been previously giggling, looks up from his phone. For the past hour or so he had completely ignored all of his friends, instead texting you as the two of you made it a habit to send the funniest videos you could find. “You’re grinning like a mad man.”

Chunkz is not impressed as they’re currently loosing the match which they had been paired against Aj and Sharky for. He had noticed his best friend’s weird behaviour weeks ago. It was when he’d arrive to their meet-ups with his thoughts elsewhere, eyes shining and the weirdest explanations to back up his lateness.

“Don’t tell me it’s that gyal you won’t tell me about” Aj pauses the game, too invested in the topic to continue playing. Sharky himself is turned around to get the tea himself. At Filly’s silence, Chunkz rolls his eyes. “ Why won’t you show me her? You make it seem like she’s facially deformed with the way you’re hiding her.”

“You’re so fucking funny.” Filly counters, not being cool with his brother talking about his girl like that. Sure, Chunkz didn’t know you, curtesy of the agreement between you and Filly to keep it hidden, but he still didn’t appreciate what he was insinuating. To Filly, you were genuinely the most beautiful girl ever.

“You know I’m joking, bruva.” Chunkz laughs, and it’s impossible to stay mad at him.

“And besides, if she got you this hooked, she must be beautiful.” Sharky, the most respectful person says.

“Or mystery girl must be providing him the most pussy- whipping ride ever.” Aj’s quick to move off of the couch, protecting himself as Filly’s whole body comes at him. “I’m joking! I’m joking!”

The Colombian relaxes against the couch again, a smile resting on his face as he gets a new message from you. To this day, 6 months into your relationship, he had managed to keep you somehow hidden, but now he just couldn’t.

“She’s just so perfect you know?” He breaths out. “Every thing she does or says I repeat in my mind and play it in slow motion, because I’m just so…”

“Mesmerised?” Chunkz tries and his friend nods.

“Exactly!” Chunkz, Aj and sharky were literally known for violating at all times, but right now as they saw the absolute love on their friend’s face, they couldn’t help but admire it. “This isn’t just simping. I genuinely believe that she’s the only one for me. I get sick thinking about other girls, let alone even touching them-“

“Okay now.” His best friend stops him with a laugh. “Mandem’s getting a little too carried away.”

“Sounding like he’s putting a ring on it today.”

Filly pushes his friend, as the thought of marrying you gets in his head. “Shut up Aj. I’ve had enough of you.”

A couple hours later, Filly is sat against the couch, bowl of his favourite Colombian dish in hand. You were positioned between his legs, eyes moving from the tv in front of you to your food once in a while. Waking up today, you were feeling extra appreciative of your boyfriend and everything he did for you. He always went above and beyond to make sure the smile on your face never faltered and while it was just casual acts of giving for him. You looked at it entirely different.

As a person who had never experienced this level of kindness in a relationship, there weren’t enough words to describe the gratitude you felt towards him. In an attempt to try and show some of it, you had recreated a dish from his home country you knew he loved. It took you hours, a change of clothing and three different recipes, but in the end you had done it.

Filly noticed the second he walked into your home, the smell being a clear giveaway. Running into the kitchen, very childlike, he took a hold of your jaw to pepper kisses all over your face. You were sure your makeup would be ruined, but you didn’t mind, and it didn’t seem like he cared about having a little product on him either. He thanked you with the most genuine smile you had ever seen on a person, muttering Spanish words as he hugged you. With your little Spanish ability, you could faintly translate them to affectionate names he had called you in the past.

That brings you to now, the two of you cuddled up against each other as you watched a Netflix series you had been begging him to watch with you for months. As a particular scene that always managed to rile you up played, you could hear the faint gasp from your boyfriend as he puts down your food.

“Did that just happen?”

You nod as you copy his actions of putting away the food. There wasn’t anything more you hated than that scene as you could practically feel the betrayal through the screen.

Filly just looks baffled at the screen. “Wait why would she set her friend up? Lying to her like that.”

“Because she’s a bitch?” Turning around, you instead opt to lay with your chest on his. Taking a hold of his jaw, you slowly start to caress it. “Not everyone’s such a loyal friend like you, Felipé.”

He laughs at the use of his actual name, and not the username he had became accustomed to. “The govy? Wow you must really mean it.”

“I do” you hum, connecting your lips with his. With the awkward position you’re laid in, filly instead pulled both your legs on either side of his body, making you sit on him properly. As he trails his kisses from your mouth and to your neck, you giggle. “You basically tell them everything.”

Your words had no intention behind them, but filly stops and pulls away from you as he remembers what he had told them just hours ago. He wasn’t too sure how you would feel if you knew, but there was no doubt that telling you was better than lying about it. So with a a painful sigh, he rubs at his temple.

“Listen.” He drags out, making it sound much worse than it actually is.

Seeing the look of utter terror on your face, filly shakes his head quickly. “No, no. It’s nothing like that.” The Colombian reassures you, knowing you were thinking to deep into it. You cross your arms, still sat on top of him, as you wait for his words. “I might’ve let it slip that you and I-”

“No”

“Yeah.” He confirms, scratching the back of his neck.

“What happened?” You’re quick to ask, just wanting to know who, and why he had told his friends about the two of you when you had agreed to keep it to yourself for a while.

“I was hanging out with the guys and you and I were texting. Long story short Chunkz was like ‘I know you’ve got a gyal, you’re all in love, who is she’ and I just couldn’t hold it in ya’know? I just love you so much and-”

You cut his words of with a firm kiss, sensing how nervous he was becoming. Filly kisses you back with the same intensity, only managing to relax under your comforting touch. Once the two of you pull away, he’s quick to question you.

“Are you mad?”

You just smiled, finding it cute that he was this worried. Figuring it was from a place of care, you shook your head. “How could I be mad at you?”

Filly huffs a breath of air in happiness, a little grin on his face, and it’s probably the best thing you’ve ever witnessed.

…

Tag list:

@p3drii , @jiusz , @n1kodl , @shuuuuush , @w1shes43 , @alltoowill0w, @slutforpablogavi

(Check pinned to be added!)

[bleue-flora]

i wonder why cdream Said that ctommy being attachments to the server, bc that's not true like Even cdream had attachments before him like spirt. So i think it was to play with ctommy hero complex, like ctommy believes himself to be the hero of the story so what better than support this belief saying that he's the most important person in his plan and he is the cause of everything, to feed his ego so he would make sure he'd not question cdream's true plan. Like all the attachment vault was Made to make people pissed at him, so his speech to c!clingy literally played into what they wanted to believe for themselfs to make them feel like the role cwilbur give them

Ding ding ding, we have a winner!

Yes. Absolutely. (Have you been reading my drafts - are you in my head? This has literally been something rotting my brain recently…)

Honestly, I rewatched a lot of it recently and I forgot how freaking nonsensical he is in the disc confrontation, like man makes no sense. They literally had wars over attachments before Tommy arrived. (Now mind you the difference is the level of respect in those wars and stuff but the point stands) Tommy in absolutely no capacity created attachments. Nor does he need to exist for there to be attachments. And like the fact that some people think the finale wasn’t staged is wild. Like man is talking nonsense, and Dream may have been obsessive, unhinged, violent before but he never straight up lied so obviously and contradicted himself so insanely before. I mean the fish (I think it’s Bekerson) on the wall is from before Tommy joined.

It’s so insane. One of the funniest things I noticed was that the Skeppy cage is directly behind them when he first brings up the prison [clip]. And then as Dream tells them how he’s going to put Tommy in the prison, the Skeppy cage is literally right behind him [clip].

And they don’t even question that it’s weird. Their dead animals are sitting in pens and they hardly question it either, before or after he reveals the revive book. In fact, they mean so little it’s not confirmed they weren’t real until Daedalus.

Like damn, it’s so crazy it makes me wonder if part of that was intentional. If he almost meant to sabotage his own plan. Like as some cry for help. If they don’t pick up on it then great it goes to his plan, but if they question the insanity then maybe they’ll take five minutes to actually listen to him and pull him off the ledge. Because I know I’ve self sabotaged myself before almost like subconsciously as some kinda cry for help. So maybe there was one buried in there. One everyone missed…

I don’t know. But everytime I watch it my heart breaks a little more at how little questions are asked, because you are exactly right, he played the role they set for him. He just acted as they expected, so there was no reason for them to question it. And he played at Tommy’s ego, because as everyone knows, 9/10 times manipulating a man, just requires going for the ego. ;D

[imbatman-imtired]

Yo, it’s Refhood and i stole B’s computer so i gotta say this quick. sorru foe the typos. b just went down the stairs and i saw him literally trip and fall om his face. it was the funniest shit i’ve ever seen. this thing online is the best thing tim has ever made b do. i’m gonna tell everyone what he does wrong

[atrustfulplace]

looking at 911 and shows that queer bait makes me feel deranged. because like i’ve seen all the classic queer bait shows, some of which i ship (destiel), some of which i don’t (johnlock) and some i can go either way on (merlin/arthur). To me what makes me look at a story and decide whether i ship the characters is the question: would this make a better story if they were together? Usually i can see the straight explanation as possible but often i think it makes for a less intresting story. like dean could have had completely platonic feelings for cas and he just thought of him as a bestie, but the story and deans character become WAY more intresting if he was queer of some kind and in love with cas. Stuff that doesn’t have the same meaning for a straight person, can be world defining if the character is queer (ex: john having him kill the lesbian nuns). it’s that simple to me, destiel makes the story better.

now let’s look at 911, specifically eddie diaz. like i mentioned i can always see the straight explanation, stories can make sense without a character being queer, often they are just worse ones. eddie is my exception, i legitimately cannot see his story as anything other than that of a closeted gay man. like let’s take buck out of this, like the shipper goggles are off here, his and bucks relationship is fruity as fuck but it doesn’t even have to be counted to argue for a gay eddie.

like you have this character and he married the first woman he sleeps with because she gets pregnant and they are both catholic so they are pressured into marriage. he joins the army to get away from her and the responsibility. he would literally rather be SHOT AT than be married to his wife. when he finally gets back home he and his wife fight constantly, he will not give up the simplistic of things to support the needs of a woman who has put her life on hold for years so he could runaway from his family. she leaves, giving no phone number or address and the man is now a single father. years pass and they meet again, not because he wanted her in his life but because he needed her. she tells him that she’s pregnant again and he proposes to her again. she dies and he spends years using her as an excuse to no date women. (all the while growing incredibly close and co-dependent with his best friend who helps raise his child with him). when he finally starts dating again it is because everyone in his life is telling him he should, the relationship gets serious and when someone implies they have a serious future together he has a panic attack so bad he falls over and goes to the hospital. he breaks up with her because he was only dating her because his son loved her. again he spends years before dating again, saying when asked that why he isn’t dating is because his late wife was the love of his life, the woman who he spent LESS THAN A YEAR LIVING IN THE SAME SPACE WITH, WHO IN THAT TIME HE WOULD CONSTANTLY FIGHT WITH, but she was who he was meant to be with. ok eddie sure. when asked why he hates dates he says it’s because he has to pretend. he dates another woman after his family and friends pressure him again. he asks her to move in with him way to soon then quickly comes up with an excuse not to have sex with her, she moves out, they still date. he meets the carbon copy of his dead wife who he proceeds to have an emotional affair with, not physical at all, all his relationships implode from the fall out.

like this story doesn’t make sense for someone who is not gay. the pressure from the church, the denial about the realities of his marriage as an excuse not to date, HAVING A PANIC ATTACK WHEN HE THINKS ABOUT MARRYING A WOMAN, making exuses not to have sex. on its own maybe i could believe he is straight but together it literally does not make sense if he was. the stuff they add to make him seem more straight (dead wife obsession) is what convinces me the most that he is gay!!!!!

the funniest part is that if they actually made him gay they could have one of the most well written and authentic portrayals of deeply held internalized homophobia, repression, coming out later in life, and ultimately choosing happiness and love despite all of those challenges. like he makes me insane, i don’t even like him that much!!! like he’s tied with every other character on the show for me. but he confuses me in a way that none of the other characters come near touching. like eddie diaz I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!!!!

tld r: eddie diaz as a character does not make sense as anything other than as a closeted gay man.

[my-castles-crumbling]

I have a problem Cas… I think im in love. 

Okay so, there’s this girl. We’ve been best friends like 5 years. I mean i’ve always- okay I don’t know how to explain this. 

I’m basically a fan-fiction come to fucking life. 

So i’m Demisexual, and last year I decided to come out to my family. I don’t know if other Demi ppl have preferences of gender, but I don’t. Honestly labels confuse me. I’m not sure if technically i’m Biromantic and Demisexual but hey, the point is- and what I explained to my family- that i’d be open to dating anyone. 

Basically i was telling them I wasn’t straight. (Obviously Demisexual is also about sexual activities and people and stuff but I wasn’t gonna try and explain to my parents that I don’t really get attracted to random ppl- cause they don’t get it- and I didn’t want to accidentally start talking abt sex). 

So anyway, they were not happy. Have you watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine? There’s this clip where the character Rosa comes out as Bi and her parents are like “That’s okay, since you can still date a man and marry a man and be normal” and they were like that for me (i’m a girl in case that wasn’t obvious- so they wanted me to date a man).

And I didn’t really care to be honest. I had an equal level of straight friends to queer friends, I felt suitably in both worlds. I truly love my family. They’ve always been good to me. But they did imply if I did end up with a girl, they wouldn’t want to meet/know her.

Not to mention the religious trauma. I spent a shit ton of time listening to ppl tell me that same-sex marriage and relationships are a “sin”. Hell- there was this one rlly lovely women at church when I was like 9, but she got kicked out when they congregation found out she was a lesbian. (Okay- not kicked out but like bullied into leaving).

So it was fine for me to accept that I could potentially date a women since i’ve never felt immediate attraction to anyone, it never felt totally real. 

BUT NOW I HAVE A PROBLEM. So my best friend (who is also a girl) of 5 years. She’s amazing. She’s literally the funniest person i’ve ever met, she’s so generous and has helped me so much, and she’s just adorable. She’s like fucking sunshine. And ngl, I don’t often like people who are so cheery all the time because it feels fake and I like people around me to be honest. 

But she just, she has this way of finding the beauty in the stupidest things and it’s so cute. We got splashed by a car the other day, drenched both our outfits, and instead of being mad, she got all excited and had us do a photoshoot in our crazy soaked clothes, and then got all excited that we could cuddle under a duvet and watch a movie with snacks once we got home cause apparently that’s the only acceptable thing people can do after being covered in water (which is exactly what we did).

And she’s not unreasonably happy, you know? Like when people try to cheer people up at bad times and make everyone more sad, she’s not like that. Whenever i’m upset, or mad, she’ll doodle these cute little flowers on coloured paper and write things she loves about the world on the back of them, and once i’m done ranting abt how annoying the world is, she’ll give it to me and smile. She has the best smile.

I have this jar, I write the date on them and put the paper in the jar. 

We’ve been best friends five years, she started doing that like four years ago and i’ve had the jar pretty much from the start. 

It’s always been easy to be around her. We sort of knew each other for like a year, and then I blinked, and we were best friends. I read all the books she gives me even though the plot is super cheesy cause she loves talking about them, I learnt how to bake all her favourite snacks her mum made, cause she’s pretty far from home and honestly a tragic baker. And she cooks dinner (don’t ask how she can’t bake to save her life but is the most incredible cook, it’s unbelievably ridiculous) for us a lot, she learnt to make my fav food. 

We technically live together, we’re at the final year of uni (maybe not tho depending on our next courses, I dunno) so we’ve been living together this year, but before that, I basically spent most of my time around her place anyway.

So yeah, we’re friends. But I realised a few months ago that i’m pretty, definitely, in love with her. I think i’ve felt like this for about a year and it just hadn’t quite clicked yet. 

(I had this awful day and came back to our place to see her genuinely painting our wall a different colour of white. She paints as a hobby and accidentally splatter a ton of blue paint on the wall and freaked out and tried buying white paint to cover it when it wouldn’t wash of and she was sat on the floor with white paint all over her and the wall still blue. 

She told me the story and I burst out laughing. I explained you often need white primer first, to cover the blue, and then to buy the correct shade of white, since ours was sort of chill white and she’d bought bright white. 

It’s the type of thing that would’ve annoyed me so much at the end of such a tough day, but because it was her, I just found it adorable. That’s when it clicked, I love her. She noticed I was tired immediately and felt bad cause she realised i’d had a bad day. I said this cheered me up, cause it did. Then we made dinner together and spent the night reading on the sofa with music on. 

We went to the shop the next day to get the correct stuff and luckily our wall is back to looking almost exactly the same). 

So yeah, I love her. Plus like, being demi, I don’t usually find ppl attractive… I mean i’ve always known she’s aesthetically pleasing, she has good fashion sense and stuff, but like, I tend to view all people as the same sort of level of attractive. BUT NOW ITS LIKE- SHES FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. It’s kind of annoyingly actually. How is everyone not spending all day gazing at her eyes. They’re fucking caramel, like a book character. She says they’re brown but she’s wrong. In dull lighting they seem brown but they’re like dark orange (amber i guess) with little hues of green, but in the sun they’re really bright and caramel and warm. 

She’s a lesbian btw. So theoretically I’ve got a shot. Also, i’ve always been good at reading people and I know she’s had like a small crush on me at least twice in our friendship. You can tell sometimes. 

But recently, it’s been a wreck. I’m so distracted cause i’m in love with her I can’t think, and my friends keep telling me she loves me back but I can’t keep my head on straight long enough to try and tell. 

But. If I do get my head out of my ass and tell her and she does end up wanting to date me, what the fuck am I supposed to do then. Cause if it does work out, i’m pretty sure it’ll last. 

My parents never totally liked her (they probably saw this coming- but I think in the homophobic, all queer ppl date each other, way and not the, they’re meant to be together, way) and if ended up having to tell them i’m actually dating a women, they’d be pissed. 

I always thought i’d end up with man, since it’s easier. No religious guilt about that. But I can put aside my own brains stupidity for her. But I can’t change my parents. But aside from this, they’re literally amazing. But I also know them and I truly don’t think they’ll change.

All my friends having been saying me and her should’ve been dating this entire time. I don’t know, I like to think now would be kinda perfect. I always knew she was gonna be in my life forever, I guess I just got so used to imagining myself with a man I forgot she was an option? That I could be with her romantically forever. You know, assuming she wants to date me.

(We’ll see about that. I’m really not sure. But i’m totally shit at keeping my own secrets so i’m planning to tell her soon if not just for the sake of my own sanity. All my friends say she’ll reciprocate, if she doesn’t, then I guess i’ll go from there, she’s not the type to be weird or bothered that we live together despite it. And if she does… then I have to decide what to do next. My other best friend is literally always right when it comes to our friends dating lives, and she has faith we’ll end up together, so we’ll see I guess) 

But if she does. If she does I’ll have to get into it with my family. I don’t want to lie to them. And I know I shouldn’t judge, but I honestly don’t think they’ll change their minds. I think they’ll say I can come visit whenever, but not bringing my partner. And I won’t want that. And we’ll all argue.  

I never liked knowing my parents didn’t accept this side of me, but I guess I never considered it would be an actual problem i’d have to deal with someday. 

I spend a lot of my time trying to figure myself out. I haven’t had the easiest path in life. But with her, it’s so easy. It’s easier to understand what I like, it’s easier to talk about things, and I fully trust her not to be weird. Or leave. Or get mad for nothing. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around her. I trust her. We don’t argue much. We have, what she calls, three different type of arguments. 

One, “bad mood argues”. She finds it so hilarious that it rhymes. You have to say it with the syllables. Bad-Mood Ar-Gues. We have these cookies in the freezer that we make every month. If one of us is having a bad day, we cook a few cookies to eat and I bought this dumb fridge magnet of a cookie to put on the fridge to signify it’s a cookie worthy bad day. 

Another one is “justifiable anger”. That doesn’t happen much. When we first met, she had this tendency to not tell me when I did something that upset her, and it’d spiral, and i’d be mad she wasn’t talking about why she was mad. So we have a rule to always talk about problems, even the little things. For example, her yelling into the phone to her family for hours while i’m trying to study- she has planned days now, so I can go to the library or she can go out if necessary, or keep the convo below 45 min, her mums like half deaf so she does have to shout, but it’s also VERY loud. Basically we comprise. And make sure no anger builds up.

The third type of argument is, what our friends call, “married idiots”. As in, she shouldn’t use the siri talk thingy while driving cause it never understands what she’s trying to say and so I get jumbled texts that mean nothing and then she thinks she’s told me something she hasn’t told me. She’s nearly understanding that one 🤦‍♀️ And you know, the classic colour of something argument (it’s purple- she’s wrong).  

Anyway. I forgot my point. Oh yeah, everything’s easier with her. I feel comfortable. If i’m being totally honest… i’m pretty sure if I ask her out, she’ll say yes. Like 80% sure. Im just scared to fuck this up, and cause family problems. Cause yeah, she’s worth the drama, but also, it’s her that’ll be being insulted right? She very likely won’t be allowed in my house. I don’t want this to ruin what we already have. 

So yeah. That. I could really do with some advice ❤️

Hi <3

If you do not ask this girl out, I will physically pass away.

Like...I'm not usually so pushy with asks, but you're describing a relationship, hon. This is a relationship. I'm not sure if you follow me because of the Marauders, but you two are literally Wolfstar, And I'm shipping the two of you so hard right now.

If, for some insane reason, she turns you down, it's because she doesn't realize she's in love with you, too.

As far as your family...again, I'm going to be more blunt that usual. You're going to have to face their lack of acceptance for you at some point. It's absolutely shit that they don't accept you, but like...don't let that stop you from being with this girl. Because even if you put off their feelings now, you'll have to deal with it someday, and then you might miss out on an amazing girl.

Please update me. I need updates. I am so invested. I am DYING for updates.

God, I'm rereading all the things you wrote and I'm kicking and giggling. You two are ridiculously adorable. Please kiss her already (with consent).

I'm naming you purple anon. Please write back.

[wakeupthemembersofbylernation]

reminder: byler is officially going to be bones next season! ❤️

you and all your fellow bylers are currently having all your delusion mass screenshotted and put in my twitter mutual's archive... once s5 comes out and byler is bones, she'll make a video mocking almost a decade worth of your delusion. the video will become viral and every single person in the world will be laughing at you. ❤️

enjoy your delusion while you still can, you fool. ❤️

Ngl, this is simultaneously one of the funniest and saddest hate anons I’ve received. You should be embarrassed, but because you possess not a shred of self-awareness or shame, you won’t be.

The truth is, you’re clearly insecure and scared that we’re right because no one who is actually secure and happy with their ship acts this way. No one. If I were a Mlvn, I would simply enjoy Mlvn through fan art, edits, analysis, S5 predictions, memes, etc.- you know, all the things we’re doing here, like a normal fandom, in peace?

I wouldn’t spend my time harassing a group of shippers I believe to be “delusional,” who support a ship that I see as “bones.” We aren’t bothering anyone or harming anyone.

That isn’t even middle school behavior. That’s elementary school behavior. Your juice boxes are by the animal crackers and the Go-Gurt, btw.

So what if we're “delusional” (we aren’t, but so what if we are?) How do our so-called “delusions” have any effect on your fandom experience whatsoever? You’re making yourselves miserable by being bullies instead of enjoying Mlvn.

Additionally, Byler is beautiful and life-affirming and lovely and wonderful all around. There is nothing bad about rooting for queer joy and for Will (and Mike) to get happy endings together.

And there is nothing delusional about shipping a ship that is semi-canon where one half of it literally made a romantic painting for their bestie and the other half of the ship spent the entire penultimate season having heart-to-hearts with them. Nothing, nada, zilch.

You being bereft of subtext, fueled by flagrant homophobia, and blinded by heteronormativity isn’t our problem. It’s yours. And if against all odds, we’re wrong, that’s on the writers of the show. It still wouldn’t make us delusional or foolish, and there would be nothing to mock.

That’s because there is nothing foolish or wrong about rooting for queer joy. The only thing that’s foolish is rooting against it, which you’re doing now. We have nothing to be ashamed of, and you have everything to be ashamed of.

So compile what you wish. Continue down the astonishing path of total self-unawareness. Laugh, mock, and cackle. Guzzle down your homophobia. Place your head on your pillow at night in the smug satisfaction that you’re oh so enlightened because you aren’t delusional and see that Mike and El are explicitly dating on screen, so they must be endgame.

And we will see you on the other side. And maybe, just maybe, when you’re entirely wrong in 2025 and Byler is not, in fact, bones, you’ll rethink your life and work on being a better, happier, kinder person. I pray that day comes sooner.