#literally people my age are ‘dating’
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honestly just hoping that when i’m older and still haven’t dated or had sex my parents will understand what aroace means
they don’t seem to understand no matter how many times i explain it that “no, it’s not that i just don’t want to date” “no, it’s not a phase” “no, there’s never going to be ‘the right person’”
for goodness’ sake, my mom told me today that if i have questions about sex to ask her instead of people on the internet
mother i have literally told you i’m ace and am never going to have sex
ughhhsjfhcjncjdncjc
#i think she doesn’t take me seriously bc she thinks i’m too young#literally people my age are ‘dating’#meanwhile i’ve literally never had a crush#vent#aroace#asexual#asexuality#aromantic#aromanticism#i love my parents#they just don’t really get aroace
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fan of the new wave of outfits. if it do say so myself
#soda art#mao isara#ritsu sakuma#ensemble stars#enstars#ritsumao#unabashedly so CUUUUUTE#i love how casual maos is like yeah. ive literally seen people my age walk into work like that#while ritsu.... ouuuu... i kno what u ARE....!!#regardless im loving the new wave theyre bringing w these fits and i am normal about the new double scout on jp. w kaoru and jun. what r u#talking about.#lol#the urge to draw rtmo in the new fits was way stronger as like an#immediate front#dates where u wonder if the guy forgot to dress up but its literally just#so casual. sharing sodas and stuff
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Just got an invitation/registry link to my oldest family friends' baby shower and it's got me feeling like a real bitter old cunt
#depression#vent#i have known this person my entire life we grew up on the same mountain (for at least some of my childhood but we moved around a LOT)#we are literally only 3 weeks apart in age#and this just highlights how drastically different our lives have turned out#he has a house and a loving family and happy wife and great high paying career and now they're having a baby#and sending out out a baby gift registry where SO MANY of the items are $100+ some even $500+#and I'm just this empty piece of trash scraping by#can't get a date to save my fucking life#no close family or anyone i can really depend on#no house hell i still feel lucky to not be completely homeless most days#it makes me so ANGRY but then guilty for feeling angry because it's not his fault he grew up with a steady home life and supportive family#and then all of those bad feelings just turn into a depression sludge that I get mired in as I sob on the couch#and I don't really want to buy them shit when I know they'll have a million proud friends and family scrabbling to dote on them#but I'll feel like an asshole if I don't#nothing makes me feel like more of a piece of garbage than when I see people I've known forever reach life milestones firmly out of my grasp
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well.
I'm 30.
#one minute ago#damn I really REALLY thought I'd have my life more together#I mean to be real I 10000% did not expect to live until 30 good grief#but in my day dreams of 'what I might have been like if I lived to be an adult' this was not it#not still living like an emancipated minor in a 1 1/2 that's not even official it's more of a charity by the people who own the garage#that it's built in#not remembering to eat every day and eating the same 'gotta eat something' random assortment of whatever is in the cabinets#that I've been eating since I was 4#still working 4 jobs and not having my phd yet#literally never gone on one date and still feel too young for a relationship because I don't ever EVER want to be that guy#who doesn't know how to do anything and expects their partner to take care of them#I can barely do laundry and I straight up refuse to do dishes#I buy paper plates and cups#I'm not going to impose that on anyone#I keep thinking when I grow up I can have a relationship but I'm not old enough yet#but buddy I'm a freaking grown up now#30 is no joke#it's official#I just suck.#it's not about age its about being a garbage person#like i would never ever EXPECT my partner to take care of me but in practical terms I would fail at keeping the house clean#and they would pick up the slack becuase they don't want to live in a trash hole and would get mad and/or bitter with me for making them#living alone my bad choices only effect me#when i've lived with roommates in the past this has always been a key point of breakdown#even when I've tried to be extra dilligent I would forget a glass somewhere becuase I planned to reuse it and my roomate would wash it#and be mad that I felt entitled and expected them to clean up after me when I absolutly did NOT in fact I was horrified#that they needed to clean something up after me- I just simply lost track of it. and that was 10000% unfun for everyone involved#I was ashamed 100% of the time and they felt used 100% of the time and no one had a good time
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for the first time in my life i was just asked if i have kids instead of if i'm in college yet. the years start coming and they don't stop coming huh
#stooooop#i know i have been old enough to have kids for a while but 😵💫#im always behind on all the milestones in life tho but it never stood out before bc people always thought i was 17#literally from when i was 13 until very recently people always guessed i was like 16-19#which was great bc i am an autistic late bloomer who lives w my parents and sucks at being an adult#so giving off the vibe and appearance of being a teenager was fine#but now i look like an adult#🧍♀️🧍♀️🧍♀️#yet i am not good enough at being one for these questions and assumptions 😭#i hate it hereee#anyway weird old guy at the store started telling dumb blonde jokes then asked me if i had kids#never in my life have i been asked that#late twenties fr the worst age bc u still feel young but start getting treated old and also u don't have ur shit and life together yet#but everyone thinks you do or should by now#alas#irl i'm 27 what am i a child bride moment#not that having kids is for old people#but im not even good at being responsible for myself yet let alone an entire baby#i do want kids but im not ready for that yet#also never been in love 🫠#or even seriously dated anyone ever#not that it's a requirement#in fact im planning to adopt esp if i dont get married but still#anyway i do very much want kids im just not in that place yet#and didnt feel that behind in life about it bc nobody ever asked me that before#thsi better not be like how everyone asks you as soon as they meet u about ur job or school i dont need to be fielding this forever
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If there's one thing to thank anti hankcon discourse it's for the folks around their thirties gathering to tell the teens that they are, in fact, adult enough to decide for themselves who to fuck with and that they do, in fact, find older people attractive.
(And also collectively asking folks in their teens-to-early 20s to stop using the word p*dophilia when talking about literal 30+ years olds.)
Like really, throwing this words in relation to adults downplays its actual weight in its actual fucking meaning, and this is really scary. Age gap might be a controversial topic but not anywhere near it is a matter of comparable scale to what the word ped*philia stands for. Don't turn this word into a buzzword, I'm begging you.
#I think it's like when you're 5 years old#all the 8 years old feel like they're just infinitely older#then in your twenties 3 year old difference is absolutely nothing#The further you're away from being a kid#the less of a difference it makes#10 years difference between 10 and 20 years old is abso-fucking-lutely not the same as between 30 and 40 years old#even though it's the same amount of years#and the same way it's hard for a 5 yo to comprehend that for adults three year old gap is barely a difference#(as it is literally 60% of their life)#here it's perhaps something similar.#I'm in my relatively early twenties and I too feel like I wouldn't date a person who's X years older than me#but in ten more years I don't expect myself to think the same way anymore#as it wouldn't make that much of a difference when it's not 50% of my lifespan anymore#I still don't think I'll find myself in a relationships with someone significantly older#but it would be wild to think that people in their 30-ies aren't old enough to make their own decisions. Let's be real#in this day and age#after you've been an adult for some time#there isn't this much of a power imbalance anymore between you and people who are X years older#or#the same kind of imbalance can be found within the same age category but not due to the age anymore#but things like social class.#Hell#in this sense 30yo can be the one overpowering 50yo.
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why is tumblr so fucked up on my chromebook-
#rambearling#i mean i know it has to be either stylus or new xkit but idk which-#need a new laptop....... this bitch old-#can't get updates anymore. the screen's fucked. it's slow#my desktop's also getting on in age even with firefox it's pretty slow (though faster than when i was using chrome)-#firefox is better in like every way i think . i like how it has themes they look nice there's a teddie persona 4 one heehee :3#teddie persona 4 my beloved........ the most character ever..........#i wish i had a debit card so i could buy the teddie plush myself i don't wanna have to wait for christmassssssss#i need to squish and cuddle and throw myself-#i feel like all my posts here lately end up being derailed into me talking about persona 4. can you tell it's my favorite video game-#i need......... persona 4 remake......... please atlus please please pelase please pealse pelase pelasde#let yosuke actually be bisexual this time klsdfjfsdjfsdkjsdf-#<- i say that as if he isn't low-key still bisexual. i'm still convinced they didn't change any of his dialogue#except for removing his actual confession. he still sounds so fucking gay-#what do you MEAN yu is good with his hands yosuke please elaborate-#in one of his weekend hangout invites he literally says he's inviting someone else so people don't think you're dating??? like????????#they're not even my favorite ship (teddie and rise my beloveds..........) but yosuke's so funny to me-
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why is literally everyone on my sonic tomodachi life island in love with shadow as if theres not other people to choose from and hes not gonna reject them every time . stop creating a love spiderweb with some guy whos not even interested in you
#at one point i kept ending up in scenarios where one mii would try to confess and a bunch of others would show up to interrupt#and they would all get rejected lmao .. most have moved on by now though after getting rejected so many times or finding someone else#but ill still occasionally get an ''im in love with shadow !!! '' even though. hes already taken#silver is the one who managed to win him over btw if anyone is curious .#list of people who have tried to date shadow off the top of my head: silver espio blaze amy#and sticks just told me shes in love with him too NO YOURE NOT . STOP#even knuckles got in on it once. and hes literally already dating sonic ??#i mean knuckles has two hands but polyamory isnt a thing in this game sooo#amy and blaze and espio were particularly desperate...#i made it a rule for myself to try to avoid forcing any particular couples#and to just let any ships happen as long as they dont have weird age gaps or otherwise make me uncomfortable#(which is how i ended up with shadilver even though im not really into that pairing)#but i made a mii of tekno JUST to give amy a decent romantic option. because she wouldnt stop asking about shadow#and i kept ignoring her or telling her not to get with shadow and she wouldnt give it up#and it was getting on my nerves because sha/damy is one of those ships on my ''not going to let these happen no matter what'' list#well shes with tekno now and she also stopped asking about shadow so much once he got with silver so. its fine#and blaze ended up finding someone else too. not espio though hes still single. but thats fine#i dont need every single mii paired off idgaf about that#tomodachiposting
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my very sexy curse of liking the most radioactive ships in a fandom
#i wish there was a way to tell tumblr to automatically block accounts who block one of your sideblogs!#i am glad people are just flat-out blocking me instead of interacting! still sucks though!#its not even a “YOU don't like ME???” kind of thing#like im cool w ppl just not liking me because they just don't like me! whatever! we don't have to be friends!#but it's a constant reminder of just how CONSERVATIVE queer fandom has gotten in the last decade???#20+ year age gaps were just de rigueur and now people are like#“UHMM...A 32 Y/O CAN'T DATE A 25 Y/O WHATS WRONG WITH YOU THAT'S LITERALLY ABUSE???”#vita.txt#i hate it here and i wish BSD wasn't what the idiot autistic goblin who lives in my brain wanted!#is this going to be why i finally learn japanese? maybe#at least they aren't sending death threats over ship drama from what I can tell (:#to have your main interest in life (fandom) suddenly be full of people who aren't shy to say they want you dead is like...super fun!
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maybe it's time for me to move on.............
#its been two months since the end of an eight month relationship and i havent so much as looked at a hot person in that time#i mean i've got a queer event in a couple weeks and i think thats The Place to meet someone because. realistically my gender is just-#-too complicated to date a straight girl#or a gay guy#so.#i've also learned my lesson about dating people i'm close friends with because that did not work out for me at all#really i just need like. a younger reincarnation of rafael silva to appear because he is the only person who will ever live up to my-#-obviously very high standards (i would date anyone who is morally decent and dresses nice if i thought they were interested)#while we're on this matter actually people who put no effort into how they dress is such a fucking ick#i went out to this thing a few weeks ago and there was a guy my age there and he asked me to dance (it was an Old Persons party hes a-#-family friends its a long story) but he was literally in a hoodie and i was wearing like a 400$ formal outfit#like man absolutely the fuck not this is a Nice Event why are you wearing *denim* what are you DOING#is it a bad idea to go to an event with the mindset of finding someone to be with by the way? because that is kind of how i'm thinking-#-about it but at the same time if i *dont* find anyone there that i connect with then that's fine. i mean all in good time cause at some-#-point i'm going to meet someone. i have enough faith in both my religion and my own person that i will meet someone who i like and who-#-likes me it just depends when that happens. idk i just feel like all my friends in relationships atm are dating to break up but i want to-#-find the person i'm going to marry someday. because i dont want to miss a single second with someone who will be the love of my life#ughhhhh idk#wait i just realised how long these tags are. shit i'm so single lmao#txt !!
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ok fr last one but there's actually a bootleg of my school's anastasia and i'm linking it bc you all NEED to understand that my infatuation with this one girl's voice which started when i was in the 6th grade and still hasn't really worn off isn't based on nothing
#brielle's the one in the n95 mask (the video is too grainy to actually make out any of the ensemble's faces but she stands out)#and i'm the in my 'teenage tboy's diy first short haircut' era in every scene she's in#apart from everything abt the girl who plays anya. the tea on everyone else is that our director liked the boy who played gleb's voice so#much that she actually lowered some if not all of his parts to be in his range. the guy who played vlad was a total diva and uhm. the phras#'peaked in high school' has been tossed around at him a lot. and the fact that he came back to sub the year after he graduated isn't helpin#his case. also he pressured the girl who played anya's grandmother into wearing old age makeup + spray her hair grey bc he decided he was#going to wear it and since she's supposed to be older than him she had to too and used to waltz into the girls' changing room whenever he#wanted. everyone was like super shocked during auditions though bc we all thought he was a shoe-in for dimitry esp since seniors get#priority casting bc it's their last chance. but at callbacks (we had singing auditions via video and dance auditions in person and callback#were tacked on to the dance auditions) he kinda flubbed his song and then this freshman. who was with us via google meet bc he literally ha#covid at the time absolutely blew him out of the water and i remember walking away w brielle like 'holy shit [first name] [last name] just#lost a part to a freshman' (he's the kind of person you just have to full name otherwise it sounds wrong). that said i do think he made a#much better vlad then he would've made a dimitry and while he is. a lot. he's always been nice to me and i did briefly idolize him and his#stage presence way i did anya's singing voice but that faded when i got into hs and started actually observing his prima donna ways#(the one production we were in together before in middle school we didn't have any scenes together). the girl who played the grandma#actually shouted me out in cast circle and that's the only time that's ever happened to me. also i'm p sure her dad is/was dating someone m#dad and by extension myself work with so that's. Oh My God. like she (the one who works for my dad) brought him w her to a comedy show as i#think her bf but i'm not 100% sure and when he found out what school i went to he mentioned his daughter went there and despite the fact#that i basically have a script for when people ask me that question bc i do NOT pay attention to most of my fellow students and don't know#anyone i was like 'holy shit' bc i actually did. hm what else. the guy who played the tsar and i used to shittalk bad period dramas#backstage during the first part of act 2. also during the press conference scene i need you to picture all the bolshevik soldiers and#romanov royals doing the macarena behind the curtain bc that was absolutely what we were doing back there. speaking of the press conference#the really high singing w/o a clear source was actually anya standing behind the curtain on the other side of the stage bc she's the only#one who physically could sing the part. also in regards to the bolshevik soldiers. we were originally supposed to have wooden rifles but fo#some reason our director took them out so we had to just walk menacingly towards the romanovs. you can't rlly see me that well in that scen#but that jacket would NOT stay closed and for 2/3 performances i had to awkwardly hold it closed the entire time. luckily the one that was#filmed was the one where i was smart enough to bring safety pins and also saved like all of the ballerinas bc their costumes all started#falling apart at once backstage.#romeo.txt#theatreposting
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I was gaslit by a fellow student as a child
Wtf
How am I just realizing this
#memory issues at the age of like 7-8 go brrrr#i did hate him tho#considered him a rival because people would compare us and he had an adhd diagnosis and at some point i was aware that i was also adhd#later in high school he wore a full maga suit so im glad i cottoned on to his bs gairly quickly#(my parents thought we should date which is weird and gross because i WAS LITERALLY A CHILD)#they did this too with me and another kid because eith his first or last name (idk anymore) rhymed with my deadname
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Oh my god I forgor to post about it bc I was too focused on getting back home and then cooling off from being outside in the sun but when I went to run errands (and picked up my drinks) but I had such a weird experience. Got hit on by a teenager. I'm assuming they must've been under 18 since they were lounging around on the entrance/doorway steps of a closed business front and in this weather, were they of drinking age, they would've likely been at a park or hanging out at a bar terrace instead. Plus the general demeanor and speech patterns kinda made me assume it too, and just as our lord and savior Gerard Way once said, Teenagers do scare the living shit out of me, actually. And I was very anxious!
Anyway, I was walking past them to the business next door from the closed one- they were chatting about whatever and I paid no attention bc honestly? My attention was 80% in trying not to get sweat in my eyes from my long ass hair, 10% in focusing on doing errand tasks, and the last 10% in actually getting from place to place. Iirc they were saying something and maybe commented on my appearance or something just between themselves, idk and honestly don't care either, I get weird looks enough to not mind people commenting or staring at this point. It was only really when I walked out and past them again after my errands that the one guy in the group (was like 3-4 teens, most of them girls and like one guy?) Kind of leaned forwards a bit and asked "hey what's your snapchat" (in common use here) loudly enough that I registered after like 2 and a half steps past them that he'd actually said it to ME, very obviously, because there was nobody else around and the girls were not sitting anywhere towards my direction. Of course at that point I was already well past them and continuing to walk away since it hit me with a delay but like.
I was REALLY contemplating on whether I should turn around and go, "geez kid, how OLD even are you, I'm pretty sure I'm literally ancient compared to you- what is this, granny-fetish weekly support group? Don't bother your elders like that" Or something once I realized he'd genuinely spoken to me, but at that point one of the girls laughed at him and said something along the lines of "(they) just skipped you like nothing lmfao" (again, honestly, I didn't, at any point, even look directly at them, neither when entering nor leaving the business next door, so I mean, she was right, I suppose?) And I figured to just let them sort their own stuff out, because kids, and also not my problem anyway. I was just running errands and minding my own business to begin with.
It wasn't rude or anything though, like there was no demanding or catcall-ish vibe, he just seemed to sort of? Be hitting on me at random and didn't do it in an uncomfortable or creepy way, I was just mildly taken aback when it happened because like, idk if I should feel honoured or not, that some 16-18y old kid would look at me and think I'm probably about their age, or if I should be worried that this is why I'm not having success in dating people I'm actually interested in, because I'm frequently seen as younger than I am. I suppose it's a compliment of some sort, but I can't help but feel sort of weird and uncomfortable about it. I'd guess that it was probably not a serious attempt at hitting on me, more likely just a dare from one of the girls or something. I'm quite used to that considering that used to be exactly the kind of shit my bullies pulled on me way back in elementary+secondary school, and now I date, according to my friends at least, "way below my own league" (very much in a joking tone, but I figure there's probably some truth in it too). Idk, I'm just rambling because I'm still not sure how to feel. If it WAS genuine, well- why? Was it because I wore short shorts with some frills at the legs? Or maybe just because I have some visible tattoos and piercings and look 'interesting'? Maybe it was the backpack for shopping that made me appear younger? Idk man. I just can't see WHY anyone would bother, I suppose. Especially when I was SUFFERING in the heat outside, I'm pretty sure I had sweat running down my neck and legs, and my hair was dripping with it + I was feeling super weak, like my legs were shaking and I was just Not Feeling Well. I definitely did not look cute, if anything my expression was probably that of someone who wanted to just get the hell back home as soon as possible, which was quite accurate. Idk. I just don't see any reason for why a kid would ask something like that unless it was one of those "hey ask that weird kid out as a joke" type pranks/dares.
#gamietxt#rambling bc I forgor until now and now I'm struggling to create sentences that make sense#anyway#idk man I just have a lot of colplexes about my looks#and other stuff#alot of other stuff#so it was just a weird experience#i don't know if I should feel complimented or weirded out#or just like... puzzled?#because I'm literally 25 and that kid was DEFINITELY no older than 18/19 at MOST#the thought is weird. I can't have that much of a babyface can I??#it's a bit uncomfortable to think about? i've always thought I look more or less my age#amd definitely not like a TEENAGER#ugh anyway#i need to sleep#i'd like to think my omega scent was just particularly appealing to the guy but that's just the misce part of my brain lmao#this all just lends more credence to the partially confirmed fact that my ex was only dating me because I was the closest they could get#to dating a 'child' without actually dating a child and committing a crime#it's a long story but yes one of my exes is a predator and I was between 18-21ish at the time. thet were only a year older iirc#they used to make comments about my body not looking ''too mature'' which in hindsight is insane to think about#anyway that's an entirely different story from this and doesn't need to be dug up#today I was just surprised. i think I look my age#but I guess other people don't- or something?
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had to block the op of that "dating apps dont get it i wanna have a crush" post bc it made me so mad
#the perspective of people who have not used dating apps much at all honestly!#my ex and i met on bumble#we then had a wicked months long slow burn that largely took place over text#bc we were both too shy to do anything more than friendly in person#we're still super close bc we started from a base of friendship#but regardless#my current gf? i refused to let myself acknowledge romantic feelings for her#bc she had a complicated situation and i was scared of getting hurt#literally did not let myself fall for her til she moved in with me#and we also met on bumble#like#the only information the dating app gives you is#'this person most likely thinks im cute'#that's barely anything!#you can go a million places with that#and i have absolutely had unrequited crushes thru dating apps#or requited ones that took ages to develop (like that ex)#its just. its just a form of meeting people. thats it.
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i had such a fun dream, i didn't wanna wake up :c
#my art teacher was a former goddess and she was looking after treasure in the secret room of a church#and i was the only human who could see the other gods so she decided to make me her heir#and she taught me magic and other things and the secret room became my safe space#then one day few of my classmates accidentally got into the room when noone was there and they were gonna start investigating wtf is this#when they tried to leave without raising suspicion they ran into me the art teacher and the priest in the church garden#but we didnt realize that smth was going on so we all started playing some kinda ttrpg set in the middle ages#my classmates talked about how much more fun that era was bc this whole dreams setting was a combination of modern day and the 1800s#we played in the church garden and there was a wishing well next to us#if you looked into it your reflection became the person you wanted to be#the art teacher was sad bc she wanted to look different but i showed her that my reflection was her so she laughed and hugged me#the game was very fun and when we were leaving my former crush was waiting outside of the gates#her new best friend was with her but she smiled at me and caressed my head and i literally purred#we were walking home and she told me that dating apps suck and she doesnt know what to do#i took her hand and told her to forget those assholes bc there are so many people who love her#and the two of us started running through the forest next to the road hand in hand#we looked like two nymphs of the forest and we were laughing and i was sure she loved me#and then i woke up :c#✩‧₊˚
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Nah cause lemme rant chat lemme rant
#Istg we need to stop beauty trends#“Ezzy that’s not revolutionary” SHUT UP LEMME COOK#Gonna talk specifically with aging#Cause guys fun fact the second you turn 18 you don’t fucking expire#Also can we stop modeling standards off literal teenagers#It not only one puts teenage bodies and appearances in a literal box to be observed but also shames those that aren’t teens for not lo (1/2#Looking like teenagers (2/2)#Like yeah you’re gonna get wrinkles and grey hairs and your body’s gonna change you’ll gain or lose weight and said weight will distri (1/2#Distribute differently. So fucking what? (2/2)#It’s okay to not love yourself at every given moment yes#But Christ we’ve made people feel like their 18th birthday is an expiration date#Also#No growing up ISN’T a bad thing your life changing ISN’T a bad thing#You should not be expected to stay in the exact same state for your whole life you change and grow and age and discover yourself#And if you don’t then are you literally even human#“Ezzy what brought this on” I went on tik tok my bad chat 😔
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