#literally i had this exact conversation with my mom and one of her friends after i broke up with him | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

strxwberrychocolate · 1 year

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˗ˏˋ bittersweet ࿐ྂ Fujio and the girl who’s been in love with him since middle school

notes: based off the boy I've loved since 6th grade who I know will never like me back and resembles fujio's personality a little too much. It's going to be 8 years as of 2023 October and I'm still not over him but it's okay, I'm alright with pining. the oc is literally just a self-insert so it's a mirror of myself and this is written in first-pov. long story short, this is my life story put into a short fic

warnings: canon-typical violence, recreational drug use, underage drinking, alcohol abuse, smoking, mentions of abusive relationships, implied physical abuse, mentioned eating issues, weight-related talk, shotgun kisses, blood, mentions of periods, references to depression, victim blaming, unhealthy coping mechanisms, mild gore, this is basically a trauma dump in the form of a fic so plz be aware, not edited

pairing: fujio x oc (one-sided), sachio x oc (one-sided)

word count: 6309

❝how did love become love?❞

—

I don’t really remember life before Fujio Hanaoka. But then again, who genuinely remembers life before middle school? I met Fujio in middle school, 6th grade to be exact. Fujio came to my middle school around a month after it started because he was visiting his grandfather in the countryside and his mother decided to prolong their stay. One thing I noticed was that Fujio was popular. Very very popular among all the kids in class. It was then I realized that I was the outsider in this classroom. Everyone had gone to the same elementary school in this classroom and they all already knew each other. But I didn’t feel like an outsider for too long because the teacher had Fujio sit next to me since it was the only empty seat left. I had always been a pretty shy kid so making conversation was always hard but it seems that Fujio knew that so he talked to me first. We talked about the elementary schools we went to, the area we lived in, what we wanted to be when we grew up, and the annoying people in the class. Fujio talked and talked and talked to me and all I did was listen.

It wasn’t long till I fell in love.

Fujio knew everything about me. He’d been there at almost every major stage of my life.

Fujio was the one that taught me how to ride a bike, he was the one that listened when I felt insecure about the way I looked, he listened to me talk about my dreams and aspirations, we celebrated when I got her first period with cake(It was more like comforting but it was still a core memory). We’ve been with each other for really most of the important parts of our lives. But I wasn’t his best friend nor was I the one he loved. He loved me but not in the way I wanted him to.

Middle school ends quicker than I wanted and high school starts. We don’t go to the same high schools but at least it’s in the same area. Fujio goes to Oya High and I go to Meiwa Girls School. It’s like a 5-minute distance from each other. Fujio stays at Oya High for a week until he has to go to the countryside to help his mom take care of his grandfather. I was absolutely devastated but there isn’t anything I could do. I became friends with Tsukasa Takajo during Fujio’s year-long absence. It seemed the blonde boy misses Fujio too. Things happen in SWORD but that isn’t too important. Nothing was really important to me while Fujio was gone. It sounds stupid I know but I was a bit of a hopeless romantic. It was horrible, I know. I waited and waited and waited.

Things happen during Fujio’s absence other than that whole shit show that is SWORD’s politics. I meet a guy. He’s sweet. He goes to Shutoku Boys High School. We got together too fast. I used to say it was love at first sight. I think I was wrong. No, I definitely was wrong. I don’t really remember how we met— they say the brain blocks out things that were traumatic and too much for it to handle. Was that how it was for me? Things were sweet at first, we’d text and call each other all the time. He was sweet. I think I loved him at one point, at some point. But none of that matters. None of it matters after everything he’d done. We’d talk to each other all the time, eventually, my sleep was gone trying to comfort him about the breakup he had 3 years ago, going out with my friends after school stopped and so did so many other things. I used to really like swimming, I don’t remember the last time I went. I guess I lost all the motivation to do anything.

I thought it was fine. I thought this was love. I was wrong.

It was a conversation with Tsukasa I had during my 6th month with him that made me realize what was wrong. “Sweetie, you do know you’re getting abused right?” Tsukasa said with his signature blank face, using the pet name akin to an insult

I laughed awkwardly because I in fact did not know that. It took all night for me to convince Tsukasa not to go beat the shit out of my boyfriend. I think if Tsukasa hadn’t been all burnt out since Fujio’s departure he definitely would have gone to Shutoku and beat the shit out of the guy.

Breaking up with him had been the hardest part. It took 4 months, and 4 tries. Todoroki had been helpful in that. The last try was where Todoroki came in. I won’t go into detail but jealousy and me having to stand my ground was involved. The breakup wasn’t pretty but I was free. Surprisingly I didn’t cry. The breakup happened at 6 am, the morning before a major math test. I’m pretty sure I failed but it was okay, I was free and it was all that mattered. I went to Oya High that day and skipped the rest of my afternoon classes, I wanted to tell Tsukasa and Todoroki about it in person. Turns out, everyone knew about my little problem. Maybe it was because of my very obvious physically deteriorating health and the depression I think I had that made me lose so much motivation that my curly hair was now straight and frizzy. It was nice to have all the support.

Mostly everyone was supportive and I think I may have talked about it too much, my past relationship I mean. But I just wanted the validation that I wasn’t wrong, that I wasn’t going crazy and all the things he did to me were in fact wrong and disgusting. But some people said it was my fault. Some said I should have left earlier. It made me feel worse. Tsukasa says they’ll never know what I went through unless they’ve experienced the same thing. No one will know about the nights I stayed up crying, not eating and— ah~ I’m rambling again.

This guy had been a huge factor as to why I changed so much. When I was young, I had issues with eating, I didn’t eat that much and it bothered my mom. But when I did eat she’d encourage me to keep eating so I didn’t fucking die of starvation or something. My ex had been the first to ever tell me to stop eating. I guess it messed me up a lot. Even after I broke up with him, getting back into my usual more healthy habits was hard. Really hard.

My confidence had already been non-existent before but after the breakup, fucking hell I felt terrible.

It was 3rd year and my grades were horrible, my skin, my teeth, my hair. I just really wasn’t having a good time. I used to drink before. For fun. Now it was just to forget. I wasn’t sad about the breakup itself, I wanted to forget about all that he’d done to me, everything I went through. I was angry. It made me angry that I went through that. How could I let myself go through it? Why didn’t I leave? I think all the anger I was feeling just drowned out all of my sadness.

I let go of the chance of ever falling in love again. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel that way, this way ever again.

But I guess one part of me knew that if Fujio ever came back and asked for my heart, I’d tear through my skin and muscles and pry open my ribs to give it to him.

—

❝I’m hiding in the rain, always smiling❞

—

It was like the universe finally had pity on me and one day finally, Fujio comes back. I see him outside the gates of Meiwa. Girls are staring at him of course, watching from afar, giggling. I don’t blame them. Fujio was handsome. He had a nice smile and nice features. He was really really good-looking, even more than the last time I saw him. “Fujio” I said walking over, a huge smile on my face

Fujio smiles right back at me. “Hey, long time no see! Miss me?”

“Definitely didn’t” That was a lie, I did, I missed him a lot

We stayed out that night, catching up. I patched up Fujio’s knuckles as I usually did and now we were sitting at an empty park just on the border between Oya and Sannoh. We were sitting on the swings, Fujio right next to me. The sun is setting, lighting up our surroundings in a warm orange and pink. Fujio looks pretty. His tanned skin it lit up in gold. He looks gold. For all I know, Fuijo was spun from pure gold thread. “Tsukasa told me about it… You and that guy” He says

I already knew Tsukasa was going to tell him. I was always a bit scared of that, telling Fujio. Would he be one of the people that supported me and comforted me or would he be one of the people that blamed me for what happened? “Yeah…” I say hesitantly “It was… a lot”

I close my eyes silently waiting for some kind of belittlement or blame but instead, I feel someone stand in front of me. “Hey” Fujio says

I open my eyes. He’s standing in front of me looking down at me while I stay sitting on the swing. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself have you?” Fujio asks, hand coming up to take a strand of my hair between my

I flinch. That was a huge mistake. Anger flashes through Fujio’s eyes as does pity. I feel terrible. Fujio looks like he wants to ask me something but he doesn’t. What he does instead is crouch down in front of me. “Hey” He says, his voice is a little quieter now

I’ve never heard his voice sound like that. It’s new and for some weird reason, I feel guilty. Fujio is looking up at me from where he’s crouched down. The swings are pretty low to the ground so he isn’t tilted his head too far back and I’m not tilting my head too far down either. “You didn’t deserve that” Fujio says

He takes my hand. I know this was supposed to be something heartwarming but my heart was just beating so fast and I started imagining us getting married and having kids and having grandkids and— yeah I got carried away. “And I mean it” Fujio continues “I know whatever I say isn’t going to make it better or change anything that happened but you didn’t deserve that no matter what other people have been telling you”

Figures. Fujio knew what people were saying. He always did. “What if they’re right?” I ask

There always has been this voice in my head telling me that what happened was my fault, that I deserved it. I know I didn’t but, your mind tends to be your own enemy. Fujio scoffs. “Be fucking for real! You…” He tugs a little at my hand and takes the other one as well “...You are the nicest person in this shit hole that I know. You’re so nice to everyone, you may not be the smartest and you are a little stupid and slow but… You’re so sweet. Don’t fucking let anyone tell you it was your fault because no one except you knows what happened. Never, never in your life will you ever deserve to be treated like that.”

Not only did it make my heart feel like it was doing an Olympic-level gymnastics routine in my chest but, I think I finally got the validation I needed after everything that happened. Fujio did just call me stupid in the middle of it but that didn’t matter. Not now. “I’m so so proud of you for getting out of that relationship” Fujio’s thumbs rub along my knuckles, I think he felt me shaking “It doesn’t matter how long it took you, it matters that you did it. You’re okay or… You’re going to be okay. I promise I’ll help you and I’ll make sure that fucking piece of shit will never hurt you again”

Finally, finally I was comforted the way I wanted. I finally got to hear everything I wanted someone to tell me in the first place. Being told you weren’t too broken and you could still be healed felt good.

Hearing it from Fujio was really just a plus point.

—

❝Eyes meeting but hearts apart, it’s so sweet yet so bitter❞

—

Fujio was… Friendly. He was charismatic and very handsome so of course he’s had a bunch of girlfriends and talking stages and friends with benefits. A lot of girls liked him as well, many asking me to set them up with him. I guess in the end I’ll always be that one rare girl best friend that actually isn’t something to worry about. I’m not too sure how to feel about it. Sometimes it feels like Fujio has kissed everyone but me. Am I jealous? Of course, I am. Even now as he shows me a picture of the new girl he’s dating. “She’s pretty” I gush and nudge him, because if I don’t nudge him I might just kiss him

I think I’m a pretty good actor. I’m good at pretending that my heart isn’t tearing itself to shreds every time he talks about another girl. I should definitely win an Oscar award for these performances. I’ve never tried to make Fujio like me. Because I know he doesn’t and no matter what I do, it is no use. I’m not his type nor the one he will ever love. Love can happen eventually, I know that but Fujio will never love me, I’ve already come to terms with that. But even if I have, that doesn’t mean I’m over him. “You think so?” Fujio says with a grin looking right at me

I nod. It’s really all I can do.

One thing Fujio likes doing is try to set me up with his friends. Today, it was Sachio. Don’t get me wrong. I like Sachio, but not the same way he likes me.

Sometimes I think my unrequited feelings for Fujio is just karma for all of Fujio’s friends I have rejected.

Fujio tells me Sachio really likes me. I think at one point I did like Sachio. He’s sweet. Really nice and respectful and would definitely be a better boyfriend than Fujio ever would be. But maybe it’s just me holding on so tightly to my first love, only ever having my eyes on Fujio that I’m not ever able to look at anyone else. I want to. I really do. But at the end of the day I always come back to him. I don’t expect for Fujio to return my feelings I just… I don’t know.

Maybe one day I’ll get over Fujio, move on. But I don’t think so it’ll happen soon.

I hope it does. Soon I mean.

Because my hands are starting to burn from the rope called first love I’ve been holding on so tight to.

—

❝Ruinous imagination consumes me, makes me dream sweeter dreams❞

—

“You really wanna meet Sachio?” Fujio asks me

“I’ve already met him Fujio” I tell him

Sachio was nice. I wasn’t over Fujio but I could stay stuck up on him either. It wasn’t healthy and I knew it. I should get over it, I should try. Not only to get over Fujio but also what my asshole ex did to me. Fujio aside, I was tired of feeling so angry all the time. I didn’t tell anyone that I felt angry rather than sad. What if I tell them and everyone that was supportive of me starts calling me crazy too, or stop supporting me through it? I think my emotions were always something I kept to myself. I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. It didn’t matter to me who stopped supporting me just not Fujio, never Fujio. I might actually go crazy if he does. Honestly speaking, I think I already am crazy. I won’t be surprised if I go for some psychiatric test and the results come out with a diagnosis telling me I’m crazy. After everything that’s happened paired with my weird dependency on Fujio, I think I am crazy. “Yeah but, no you know he likes you” Fujio says “Are you gonna give him a chance”

We’re inside a convenience store. Fujio wanted to get something to drink. He’s standing in front of the fridge trying to figure out what he wants while I’m standing in front of one of the glass doors of the fridge staring at my favourite drink. I want it. But I don’t really have the energy to bring my arm up and open the glass door. It’s weird. I don’t have the motivation to even do the things I like. I want to stop feeling like this. I thought being here with Fujio would distract me from the feeling but I guess not. I thought my heart was only filled with Fujio but that void after my breakup is getting bigger and it hurts. “Maybe…” I say, staring at my blurry reflection in the glass

I look tired. I’ve always had eyebags due to having low iron and a shitty sleep schedule but now they were darker. My skin thankfully looks the same and isn’t dull. I think I should thank myself for being so strict about my skincare routine and eating habits. But the glow in my skin doesn’t matter when the look in my eyes just shows how fucking exhausted I am. It’s not really my eyes that I’m worried about. It’s my hair. I’ve always loved my hair. Everyone has. It was curly and long and Fujio really liked it. It wasn’t curly-curly with ringlets but more wavy-curly. Now it was kinda straight and a little frizzy at the ends. Oh. It feels like I was seeing my own reflection after years. I look like this? This is what Sachio likes? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more ugly in my life. To make things even worse, there’s an annoying pain in lower belly. I’m on my fucking period. “...Hello?” Fujio nudges me

I look at him then look away. I can feel Fujio looking at me. I want him to stop. I feel gross. Fujio opens the door and I watch him take the drink I was staring at. “You were just staring at it” Fujio says

Before I could tell him I don’t want it, Fujio’s already heading for the counter and he pays. Oh. I think I’m going crazy. “Come on” Fujio calls

I follow his words and go outside. Fujio’s already sitting outside the convenience store on the curb. I sit down next to him. “You didn’t have to get that for me” I say

Fujio shakes his head. “You were just staring at it… So I got it for you” He says and opens up the drink before handing it to me

I take it. “Why were you staring at it?” He asks

I know I shouldn’t be admitting it out loud, but I tell him anyways. “I don’t know… I wanted to get it but like… I don’t know. It felt like too much work”

Had I been making any other expression, Fujio would have laughed at me and called me lazy. But no. Instead he gives me a sad look. “You’re fucking depressed” he says

Wow. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. “H-huh?”

“Don’t h-huh me!” He says, mimicking my words

Fujio grabs the drink he just gave me and aggressively puts the cap back on. “You need help” He grabs me by my shoulders and shakes me “Why didn’t you tell me before”

I feel weirdly ashamed right now. Tears well up in my eyes. “I told you that I’m here for you. If you’re feeling like fucking shit then you should tell me” Fujio says

He takes his hands off my shoulders and now he’s holding my face. Something wet touches my cheek and Fujio’s eyes soften. Oh. I’m crying. This was more embarrassing than it needed to be. “You don’t need to pretend to be happy or a certain way around me. I’ve already seen you being weird and fucking embarrassing! So please” Fujio says, his thumbs wiping away the tears running down my cheeks “Please just tell me what you feel. Tell me when you don’t feel okay, tell me when you’re sad, tell me if someone is hurting you, tell me if you’re scared. Just tell me”

I’m shaking. Fujio just keeps telling me everything is okay, that he’ll make everything okay. It’s unrealistic for him to say so, even I know that but any kind of comfort, even the unrealistic kind sounds nice when you’re hurting. “I promise… I promise, everything will be okay” He tells me and presses his forehead against mine

I guess there was a reason I was never able to fall out of love with Fujio. When he does things like this, how could I ever get over him?

—

❝I close my eyes but thoughts of you bring turmoil to my nights❞

—

“Has anyone ever told you how obvious you are?” Tsukasa says to me

I stare at him in confusion. We were on the top of the temple. Yes, the temple whose stairs Fujio falls down on a daily basis. We were meeting his new girlfriend. This sounds horrible but I’ve already forgotten her name. “Huh? Obvious about what?” I ask

Tsukasa nudges me. “You like him”

My hands tremble. I didn’t expect him to say that. “What? No” I deny it immediately

The blonde boy next to me on the bench only laughs. “You think I’m an idiot? You’re really really obvious. You like him, everyone knows”

Um. What? Tsukasa sees my reaction and sighs. I’m not sure what face I’m making but I think it might be the same one where Tsukasa told me I was getting abused. Fun right? “No one has told Fujio about it but he does know”

This just keeps getting even worse. “What?”

I want Tsukasa to stop talking. I don’t want to hear anymore but I have to. “Fujio knows you like him. He’s known all along. But Fujio also knows you’ll never confess to him because you know he doesn’t like you back. That’s why he keeps you here with him unlike the other girls who have confessed and then got rejected” Tsukasa explains

I’m not to sure how to feel about this. I look over toward Fujio. He’s with his girlfriend further away. It looks like she’s arguing with him but he’s only smiling. I watch him reach over and he grabs her waist. Instantly she stops and her cheeks flush red. Or I think they do. I can’t really see far away and I don’t want to wear my glasses. You know anxiety and stuff. Seeing the world clear just doesn’t help and I think the 480-720-pixel resolution that is my eyesight really helps with calming my nerves. But right now it feels like I can see everything clearly. Fujio’s lovestruck look, his girlfriend’s shy smile. I can see it all. I wish I couldn’t. “He… Knows?”

“I won’t tell him that I told you. But yeah he does know. That’s why he’s always been trying to set you up with someone else because Fujio thinks you don’t deserve him”

I frown and look away from the two lovebirds. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tsukasa scoffs. “Oh please, we all know how much of a shitty boyfriend Fujio would be. I’m his best friend, I know. Fujio is to friendly and you’re still healing…” Tsukasa tells me “But okay, let’s say all that with that motherfucker from Shutoku didn’t happen. Being with him would make you so fucking insecure. He’s talking to new girls every day. He’s so fucking affectionate with everyone, you’d be wondering if he was cheating every other day”

Tsukasa was right. I knew he was. I thought about this before. Fujio wouldn’t be a good boyfriend. If there was ever a day that he maybe did like me back, it would be painful being with him. But still, I was still so fucking in love with him. I hated myself for it. “I know” I mutter quietly “I just can’t get over him”

Tsukasa next to me sighs and he rests a hand on my shoulder, lightly squeezing. “Try talking to Sachio more. I know him, we all do. Sachio’s nice. I’m telling you to use Sachio to get over that idiot over there but… Maybe you should try looking for other guys. You’re not gonna get over Fujio without actually looking” He tells me

He was right. Ugh fuck. Maybe I should talk to Sachio.

Why not?

—

❝Don’t wanna let go so I let go❞

—

Today was one of the rare days I was wearing my glasses. Fujio insisted on some bonding time with resulted in Sachio Ueda, Yuken Odajima, Tsukasa and Fujio’s girlfriend and me going to the movies. Now Fujio and I were waiting outside the bathrooms on the bench, waiting for all of them. I had sat next to Sachio during the movie, sharing popcorn with him. Fujio told he didn’t tell Sachio that I know he likes me. I guess now that I do know, things are pretty clear. I don’t know why I haven’t noticed it before. Maybe it was because I was too focused on Fujio. “Why does he like me?” I ask Fujio “I’m not pretty or like… Smart. There isn’t really any redeeming quality about me”

Fujio is fiddling with the movie tickets, his and his girlfriend’s. He looks at me, giving me a weird look. “You don’t think you’re pretty?”

I push my glasses up my nose and shake my head. “No. I’m not. I mean come on Fujio, look at me” I tell him

I guess I’ve always been pretty insecure about myself growing up. Especially when middle school started. My parents and relatives have always told me I’m pretty, backstabbing cousins and aunts say things to me out of apparent jealously. I pretended to think I was pretty when I was at home. I don’t think I’d ever be able to tell my mother how I actually felt about myself when she was always so proud of the way I looked, that I was so pretty. I think it would break her if I told her I hated myself— that I hated my face, my body, my own skin. I could never tell her. It was with my friends I could really spill out all my feelings. “Yeah I am” Fujio says “You’re not ugly”

I roll my eyes. “Uh-huh”

Fujio nudges me in the ribs. “I mean it. You’re definitely not ugly”

He leans over and brings his hand up. He’s so so close to me right now, I can feel his breath, see every pore and blemish on his skin— he’s still so beautiful. Fujio pulls my glasses off my face. I have told him many times not to do that. Taking my glasses off for me always felt so unnecessarily sexual. I didn’t tell Fujio it was like that though so he still continued doing it whenever I wore them anyways. “You’re very pretty, that’s one of the reasons Sachio likes you. But Sachio aside, you’re not at all ugly. You’re pretty” Fujio tells me and his other hand brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear “I’d never be friends with an ugly person”

My cheeks are no doubt red. But I play it off by punching his arm. “Fuck off” I mutter “Let me wallow in my misery in peace”

Fujio laughs softly. I want to kiss him so bad. “You are stupid though” he says

I hit him again and suppress the urge to kiss him. Fujio isn’t mine so I can’t kiss him.

—

❝will our eyes ever meet each others again?❞

—

I often wonder what kind of a person I would have been if I never met Fujio, if I hadn’t fallen in love with him. It sounds like a nightmare. I can’t imagine my life without Fujio. Maybe I’m just that much in love with him. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Sometimes I wish I was in love with Sachio instead. But now, sometimes has turned into an almost every day wishing as I watch Fujio and his girlfriend play around in the park while I sit alone on the bench. It’s 12:30 am. I should be going home. I’m not even allowed to be staying out this late. But I haven’t gotten any calls from my mom, maybe she’s already asleep. I say and lean back into the bench. There is something painful watching the person you love fall in love and be in love with someone else. Even more painful watching them receive it back. “Hey” Sachio sits down next to me

I look at him and smile. After the movies Yuken insisted on going to get some stuff because he hadn’t smoked in so long. Stuff meaning weed and next to me Sachio is smoking some as well, the spliff between his fingers as he leans back against the bench next to me. Yuken and Tsukasa are off to the side talking quietly amongst themselves while smoking and Fujio’s still with his girlfriend, pushing her on the swings. “You feeling okay?” Sachio asks me, taking a drag before slowly exhaling “I heard about what happened with the guy”

Sachio has always been the kind of guy everyone went to when they had some kind of problem. He was nice and gave really good advice. “Yeah… I mean… It’s taking a lot longer than I expected for things to get better” I say quietly

I started taking a lot of painkillers after my breakup, not just alcohol. Thankfully Fujio seemed to catch on and stopped before things could get serious but I still feel like absolute shit during random times of the day. “Well you can’t expect to get better overnight. Your relationship was 9 months… That’s a long time. So you can take your time getting better too” Sachio says

I turn my attention to his lips, watching them wrap around the spliff and slowly exhale. Sachio sees and grins. That’s kinda hot. “Wanna try?” He asks

I stare for a moment at the drug wrapped in brown paper. “I don’t know how”

Sachio’s red-rimmed eyes are saying so much but so little at the same time. I don’t know what he’s thinking. But whatever he is thinking is making him hesitant to do whatever he wants to do next. It’s a short moment before he speaks again. “Come closer” he says

I obey without thinking, the sides of our thighs pressing together. Sachio takes my glasses off my face. Haha fuck. He brings the spliff up to his lips and then pauses, still looking a little hesitant. “Inhale okay” he says before taking a drag

Sachio leans over and I don’t move. He takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger. He leans in closer, closer, closer. I can see his pore, the blemish, the moles, I can see all his skin up close. I think he’s going to kiss me but Sachio hasn’t closed his eyes. I realize he hasn’t exhaled yet so I have an idea of what he’s doing. Sachio’s lips press to mine but not to kiss. Well kind of. He exhales smoke into my mouth and I inhale. His lips feel soft. It feels nice. Sachio pulls away not too long after but I can still feel his lips on mine. I exhale, coughing a little bit. My throat burns but it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. “Didn’t know you knew how to do that” Sachio says with a little laugh

My face is probably red right now. “Uh… I saw Odajima teach a girl how some weeks ago” I mutter

Sachio laughs. “Of course you did” he says

He’s smiling hard. I wonder why he he likes me. I wish he didn’t. Sachio shows me how to properly smoke after that. He doesn’t let me smoke to much though. It’s not too bad but he says he knew I probably didn’t each much so I shouldn’t else I’d feel nauseous. It feels weird being high. I’ve drank but smoking was a new territory for me. I feel a little lazy. But not the bad kind. This doesn’t feel too bad. I have a feeling I’ll get an earful from Fujio later, he’s been giving me looks. Fujio doesn’t smoke, Tsukasa does. Tsukasa gets scolded by Fujio on a daily basis when he comes back smelling like weed. I probably won’t do this again. I look at Sachio who’s already looking at me. Maybe it’s the weed that is making me lose lipped but the next words leave my mouth like vomit. “Why do you like me?” I ask and regret it immediately

Sachio smiles. “Why? Do I need an exact reason?” He asks

Something twists in my chest. It hurts. I don’t want him to like me. Not because I like Fujio, but because I don’t deserve to be liked by someone as nice as him. I’m a horrible person. “You deserve someone better,” I tell him “I’m not fishing for compliments here but I’m not exactly the most extraordinary”

Sachio sighs. The spliff is finished and now all we’re left with is uncomfortable questions. Thank god I’m high or I probably would have ran into the middle of the street and got myself hit by a bus on purpose. “I don’t care if you’re not anything extraordinary” He tells me shaking his head “I like you and you don’t get to decide who I deserve… That’s for me to decide”

I want to cry. I want to so badly feel better again or maybe at least get over Fujio. “But I… I’m not okay. I probably won’t be for a while. And no matter how hard I try I… I don’t want you to wait for me forever Sachio. What if I can’t ever fall in love again?” I tell him, almost whispering at the end

Sachio turns his entire body and is facing me. “I don’t mind waiting” He says with a smile “But me and my feelings aside, you can take as long as you want to feel better. It doesn’t matter who’s waiting for you. Me or Fujio or anyone. You need to feel better for yourself”

I fumble with my hands while staring right into his eyes. Does being high make you emotional? I don’t know. But fuck I felt like crying. “How do I know if I’m better… It feels like I never will”

Sachio is smiling so softly at me. It makes my heart hurt. His hand comes up and he takes a stand of my hair between his fingers. “Your hair. Maybe when your hair is back to how it used to be is when you’ll be better” He tells me

It’s 1 am. I should be at home. But here I am, with Sachio— the boy that loves me the way I wished Fujio loved me. I wish I loved him back. There are so many things I want to ask Sachio right now but I don’t. How do you get over someone who was never yours, to begin with? Who do you blame when you’ve broken your own heart? I don’t say anything but Sachio keeps talking. “I’m not forcing you to love—like me back… Right now I’m just telling you to take your time and maybe love yourself first” He says

Stop loving him goes unsaid but I know he wanted to say it. At that moment in Sachio’s eyes I see something of myself. He looks at me the same way I look at Fujio. It hurts. I wonder if this hurts him as much as it hurts me. But here’s the thing, I could get over Fujio and maybe I could even one day love Sachio back. But I’d never be able to forget the feeling of hurt nor the thought that I may only be loving Sachio back because I don’t want him to feel the same way I feel right now. I look toward Fujio who’s wrapping his girlfriend up in his arms and kissing her forehead. It feels like pieces of glass are tearing into my heart.

Had someone told me being in with would be so painful I would have never fallen for Fujio in the first place. I look at Sachio and feel almost a little better.

Does he wish I get over Fujio?

Does he pray at night for me to love him back?

I’m not sure I want to know. Maybe my problem is that I love Fujio way more than I love myself. Maybe the day I start loving myself again will be the day I get over Fujio. Sachio’s hand comes up and he brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear.

It’s 1:35 am, I’m supposed to be at home sleeping but instead here I am; high in front of a boy that doesn’t love me back and sitting next to one that does. I feel ungrateful and cruel.

I hope I never break Sachio's heart like I broke my own.

#fujio hanaoka #high&low the worst x #high&low #high & low #high and low #oya high #high&low the worst #unrequited love #Fujio Hanaoka x OC #high&low x reader #fujio hanaoka x reader #high&low the worst cross #sachio ueda #hanaoka fujio #ueda sachio

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keepyourpantsongohan · 1 year

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Ayesha Liveblogs Devil is a Part Timer S2

"He had four trusted generals: Lucifer, Adramelech, Alciel, Malacoda." Where does Camio, Big Bird Friend, fall into the order of generals

This is such a wildly different experience than watching the first season because I know EXACTLY who is coming into the Devil's Castle and what's about to happen. I am THRILLED

It's gotta be a different animation studio for this season; they've fallen into the trope of making everything shiny and round (just googled: It is)

I do admire Japanese animation's approach to censoring insects. Me as an animator kjghgkjhg

"I can barely remember my parents." I love foreshadowing

WELCOME HOME BABY!!!!!!!!!!

"Papa is... Satan." "I see, your Papa is Satan. Huh?" HAHAHAHA I love how quick everyone is to believe Maou has been spending his Devil days philandering

"Her father is the Devil and her mother is the Hero?" ENEMIES TO LOVERS COPARENTING; ALL I'VE EVER WANTED

I also love how quickly Emi folds and agrees to be Alas Ramus's mama

"If you are willing, once King Satan gains power in Japan and forms his new Devil's Army, I'd like to see you in its highest position." Ashiya said: After you finish school please consider pursuing full-time work at Demon Inc., Chiho!!

"You and Mr. Maou have a kid?" Rika continues her spot-on assessments

"Have you two ever stopped to consider how it looks for a high school girl to come in and out of a man's apartment, taking care of a baby?" Manager Kisaki raises a very fair point

"I don't know enough about society to confidently dismiss it." I feel like this is somewhat a thesis statement for Maou's time in Japan

I love that Emi is denying being the Devil's wife, which no one has accused her of, to herself

Maou petting Alas Ramus's hair as he talks <3 I love his Dad era

"Of course she's not my kid," said Maou, to a montage of him working hard to support Alas Ramus, installing a children's bike seat and integrating her into every part of his home:

"That outfit would be hard to fight in." That's okay Ashiya she's going on a family date

Maou making a life-altering confession that he's no longer interested in leading the demon armies while he and Emi go hat shopping

"Even if I got all my magic back, I couldn't conquer the world the way I am now." "Very true. If all the demons are dead, you can't be their lord anymore, either." It kills me that they're having this conversation in front of the hat saleslady. Does she think they're talking about D&D LMAO?

"I wanted to know what Emi's face would look like on a date with a man." Family date confirmed by Rika ahahah

Rika asking Chiho what she's doing here as if Chiho does not follow Maou literally everywhere he goes

Alas Ramus's calls for 'Mama' after waking up are very telling

I'd ask why Ashiya seems to be majority comic relief but I guess he plays a similar role in the manga; it just feels less concentrated

I love one (1) set of parents and child. Look at this silly family!!

"You're frowning, Mr. Boyfriend!" Hahaha I love this photographer giving everyone titles by how he thinks they're related to one another. First Emi (Mom) and Maou, now Ashiya (Mr. Boyfriend) and Rika

"Because I was crying, she said. Because I was the first demon she'd ever seen cry." Maou being human before he was human <3

It does make me laugh that Maou and Emi bop each other on the head when the other is being ignorant

"They're all names of sephiroth, the cosmoplastic orbs in the Tree of Life. Alas Ramus may be an incarnation of Yesod." You know, no matter how many times I hear this explanation, I still don't really understand what Alas Ramus is LOL

It is killing me they're having this kidnapping threatening conversation while Maou is holding a bunch of balloons. They were passionate for the continuity of it

"What parent would exchange their kid for pizza money?" You know, it probably wouldn't be the first time, Maou

It also makes me laugh that all members of the Devil Family are making the exact same >:( face at Gabriel:

"You may end up with all of Heaven as your enemy." "I'm not about to make a kid cry just to save my own life." Maou said: I've only had Alas Ramus for a day but if anything happened to her I'd demonic force everyone in this room and then myself

Chiho said: I can tell you're an angel 'cause you're MEAN, Gabriel

Hahahaha, Chiho used her most powerful move to get Gabriel to go away! The tears of a teenage girl

"At times like this, an adult plans for the worst and manages risk. Emi, you sleep here tonight." I wish all risk management plans came in the form of a slumber party

"I figure I'm reaping what I sowed. But I think the ones who died during my invasion of Ente Isla probably would've put their lives on the line to save their kids. If they could do it, surely the Devil himself can do it." Maou said: A custody battle is step one in my Twelve Step Program For Balancing Your Karma

Ashiya's explanation to Suzuno that they invaded Ente Isla because demons are naturally poor gkjhgkjhjgh

No offense but this is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life:

Emi asking about the bedtime story because of how desperately she wants to understand Maou ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Maou bowing his head to beg for his daughter's life 😭😭😭😭

"Er, could you have your marital spat later?" Even Gabriel sees what's happening here

"Get away from Alas Ramus," said Emi to Gabriel as her daughter sucker punched him through the sky with a beam of light

HAHAHAHAHA Lucifer intimidating the nameless soldiers of the Heavenly Regiment just by telling them to get lost

Maou offering to have Emi kill both him and Gabriel just to get Gabriel away from Alas Ramus is both Incredible Teamwork and Strong Co-Parenting

"'Til death do us part," said Emi about Maou, both as a marriage vow and a threat

So consumed am I in the plot of family shenanigans that I don't have all that much to say about Gabriel as guardian of the Yesod. I guess it's very Naraku in Inuyasha of him to try to take advantage of the shard collection that Team Devil and Hero have formed

I did already know Alas Ramus was going to eat the sword, but it's fun to see how they animated it as a little chomp, like a teething toy

It's honestly very fair of Emi to teach Maou to feel a fraction of the loss he caused by not telling him where Alas Ramus is right away

"I'm not cryin'," said Maou, while actively wiping tears away

Djdjlkdjdkjd Maou cackling to himself over how beautiful his kid is. 10/10 first-time father, no notes

"You said 'three'—that means you're counting Mr. Urushihara, right?" Urushihara has cultivated a reputation for himself as incapable of completing manual labour or social interaction

Also, to be fair I just remembered he's a wanted man HAHAH

"You were very cooperative with the Devil today." Why DID Emi need to be there for them watching the job opportunity video tape? Maou: Emi is short for EMotional support

Sariel really thinks he should be congratulated for not trying to kidnap a child

"If you give me a good answer [about your romantic feelings], I'll have to duel Miss Yusa for you someday." Real and true

The blind loyalty Chiho has to Maou is very funny. She said (lightheartedly): I don't care who you're trying to conquer, I'll be your informant

They talk about the nostalgia of trains like Ente Isla isn't comparatively in like the 1800s hahahahah

"No wonder your mother trusts you." Emi really embracing Mum Mode too even with Chiho hahahah

I will always love the assumptions about the relationships in this friend group:

"House dirty." I wonder how Amane feels having her business location roasted by a toddler

"I just don't get the trope of dead people coming back and doing bad things." Amane said: Maou, Emi, you can't raise your daughter to be ghostophobic

"That startled me! It sounded just like a dragon." Maou casually implying he has a history in Ente Isla with dragons???? Elaborate

"What are demons doing here in Kimigahama, Chiba?" asked Alciel, as if he were not also a demon hanging out in Kimigahama, Chiba

I adore that the Devil's Army immediately forms a protective circle around Camio. They're just one fucked up family:

I know these four were technically the pillars of a demonic plague on their society but I do have to laugh that Maou and his generals can be described as: Part-time MgRonald's worker and doting father, chronically-ill househusband, teenage shut-in with a criminal record and shopping addiction, and Big Bird

Camio with tears in his eyes because he missed his little Demon King 😭

I loooooove them all working together in the beach shack. They are so good at teamwork!!!

I cannot help but realize, since these patrons are going to later be revealed as ghosts, that at least four of them are dead children

"Tomorrow we might have customers who come to get a look at you!" said Maou, like that wasn't a weird thing to say about a sixteen-year-old

"Well, I'm grateful and everything, but there's nothing to compliment." Maou said: I'm actually tiddy man myself (but as a demon he does have enough tiddies for the both of them)

"Why does Olba want to negotiate with Heaven so badly?" Because he's a rancid old man

Emi gasping at insult that she herself uttered at Lucifer who burned down her village kjhgkjhg she truly oscillates from incredibly polite to incredibly sassy

"But Camio survived through intelligence instead of violence," said Maou, as his 1-year-old chased Camio through the room with nothing but argumentative peeps to defend himself

"The cute baby and the woman are the Sacred Sword and the Hero," said Maou, refusing to explain his relationship to either

"Remember how we took over the Demon realm. I had a dream that maybe we could do the same thing with humans in this country." Maou fully telling Camio AND Emi that he is aiming for an enemies-to-family narrative

"After all, the Hero and I never planned to work together, and we still manage okay." YEAH YOU DO!!!!!!!!! Also Emi blushing 👀💗

"You and I brought our war to this country. It's our responsibility." Emi ❤️

"I've only spent two days with you, but I know what kind of people you are." Bold of Amane, but I do love how Team Devil and Hero emanate good vibes

Amane clarifying she could kill them all with one finger but chooses not to:

Emilia thinking of ways to avoid killing Cirriato and the Malebranche!! I love how their approach to conflict develops over time

"He's doing Mito Komon on purpose, right?" I had to Google this reference but as suspected, it is Emi laughing that her homies' dialogue sounds like a shogunate period drama

"Cirriato, may I see your pendant?" I love how politely Emi asks her demon opponent, who she was struggling not to kill mere minutes ago, for his magical-jewel-tracking necklace. And he just hands it to her!!!!

"And when you get back to the demon realm, tell everyone that King Satan lives. And that one of the sacred swords is already in my possession." I do prefer the manga's translation of this moment, which is a more literal, 'one of the sacred swords is already in my grasp':

"I'm going to sever the Gate from this realm. After that it's up to you." "Can you do that?" [Smiling] "I'm telling you that I can." [Smiling back] "Yeah? That's a scary thought." Maou said: Mark me down as scared AND horny

I wish desperately I could've seen Emilia rescuing three grown men by herself from the middle of the sea and dragging them unconscious to shore hahahah. Little Mermaid: Extreme Edition

"They went boom, and then there was a big whoosh and then a hug." Alas Ramus is happy that her parents are getting along

"But the powerful magics you were flinging around yesterday have distorted this sacred place." [Merlin from Shrek voice] Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex

"My enemies became my friends, and now support me in my conquest. Don't you think humans could do the same?" "I see. Perhaps so." This is Maou telling Alciel he wants to make Emi a General

I looooove when Maou romanticizes humanity 💘 Something something inherent beauty of being a person

Maou politely handing Emi a crystal which will now make her 3x stronger than him ❤️ Supportive Spouse Behaviour

"Better be ready, because when I get my power back, I'm gonna dominate you and everyone else." Why say it like that, Maou?

Emi genuinely baffled that the pressing news of the Devil's Castle is that Ashiya tightened the sink and their daughter learned a new word:

"Well, I guess the moral is that even dark lords get heat sick and carsick." "What? 'Dark lords'?" Maou is SO used to saying insane stuff in front of people and never getting called on it because they're all also freaks of nature or retail workers

"By the way everything in this area other the public roads belongs to the Sasakis." Devil's Army learning that Chiho was born into wealth

Chiho's family is quite eager to meet Maou as her coworker and crush but lack the context that he is, technically, an unwed father

The Devil's Army has been felled by one (1) day of farm work

"Mama! Papa's here!" The unwed father's out of the bag HAHA

"But Miss Yusa looks just like her mom, so when Miss Yusa visited, Alas Ramus got attached." Riho said: Sounds like bullshit, but I'll allow it

"I was raised on a wheat farm. I think I can be more useful than they can." Emilia has some farm-related trauma to work through

"I'm sorry I came here looking like this," said Chiho, about her pretty modest pajamas, as if Maou does not chill in his apartment in far less in front of all of them LOL

"We destroyed her home life. Of course her reaction would be, 'How dare you do farm work?'" Something something a fundamental desire to understand each other 💘

I love how Suzuno is consistently the only one who uses first names for everyone (with a semi-archaic honorific)

Emi giving Maou a horticultural lesson while they pick eggplants 🥺💔 Both useful and a way of processing her anger

"But if you start regretting it, my thirst for revenge might waver a tiny bit." Babygirl. You are co-parenting a child, who is the sword you wanted to use to kill him. You go everywhere together, including family dates and sleepovers. You fight enemies together. Your thirst for revenge HAS wavered, and you are a full-on team now

Fjkjfljf I see they cut out Hinako joking that Emi was Maou's wife to get a rise out of Chiho hahahaha. They don't have time for every line, I suppose

I love that Emi and Maou agree to send the others away and take the bear on, but then Maou, who isn't really at his strongest anyway, does absolutely nothing in this fight

It was just as thrilling as I imagined to see Emi body slam a bear:

"However, neither he nor the good Hinako disclosed the details of the fight even to me, let alone the public." Sasaki fam said: Grandma didn't raise no snitch

"As long as there's enough magic in the air, demons don't need to eat. I bet a world that doesn't produce food can't create societies." The mechanics of the demon world fascinate me to no end

I love how demonstrably intelligent and good at leadership Maou is 🥰🥰🥰 Even in his human body, he is the first person to start organizing people, figuring out strategies to get customers or to protect the Sasakis' produce! It really gets to me how he approaches every task with equal sincerity

"Maybe ya aren't normal people," said Grandma Sasaki, in the understatement of the century

Lucifer said: Let me give you some insight into the mind of a criminal who is taking the path of least resistance

The reason the thieves took a watermelon is maybe for a Thieving Trophy but mostly for the plot convenience of allowing Suzuno to get a good look at the thieves rolling up to the farm

I adore the imagery of these two young woman absolutely destroying this car with minimal effort:

God I'm fucking enamoured with the teamwork of this whole sequence. Urushihara as the tech/commander centre, Ashiya as capturing the first thief, Suzuno and Emi as the vengeful apparitions, Maou as the demon who delivers the final blow

"You four will spend the rest of your lives paying the price for hurting people. Just like us." Maouuuuuuuu 😭💔❤️‍🩹

"I can feel something cold from way down the mountain. Everything is over now." Grandma Sasaski said: I'm a little psychic, what about it

"Ya used to see folks like that sometimes, way back when." WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WERE YOU HANGING OUT WITH, GRANDMA SASAKI???? HOW MANY ENTE ISLANS HAVE BEEN TO EARTH!!

More family photos for Maou's MgRonald's comfort album ❤️

"Emilia, I'm pretty convinced this weirdo is your mother." What a way for Emerada to break this news hahahah

We cut to: Gabriel just living life at his temp agency

"Be quiet, Emilia! I secretly don't want to buy a TV!" It's killing me that this mundane conversation between demons is irrepressibly honest

"I spend a lot of time thinking about whether there's some way that all of the people I love can find happiness together." "There isn't." Chiho 🥺 Also Emi and Maou responding to this question the exact same way kjghjghg. They're self-aware of their 'it's complicated' relationship status 💞

"As long as the Devil is in Japan, he's hardworking and safe. And you and I get to enjoy an easy life in an unbelievably rich culture, blessed with good friends and confidants." Suzuno cutting straight to the heart of their situation ahhhhhhh

Between Emi and Rika having problems and 'Don't do that to me,' I wonder if Co-worker Maki thinks that Rika and Emi are dating

"Way better than sitting around in that empty space for so maddeningly long. I couldn't take the boredom anymore, so I joined Satan's plan." The mechanics of Lucifer's fall from Heaven make even LESS sense given the events of the manga

Can we take a minute to note the absolutely haunting background music to Emerada's phone call. For why????

"I invited her to stay the night, and she moved herself in with me..." Why does Emerada phrase it like she's been fucking Emilia's mum LMAO

Whoever decided to take the creative license to make Chiho's friend a fuj*shi. Thanks I hate it

I love the implication that Rika and Ashiya have a budding phone call relationship where they discuss things like the trip to Choshi

Maou explaining his ability to speak English with 'I've had a lot of situations' me too man hahahaha

"Have you by any chance, fallen for Ashiya?" Maou doesn't believe in beating around the bush

"It's not my place to say this, but isn't it boring to live life alone?" Maou said: Ashiya should have a girlfriend, and you should get on an app or something, Suzuno

Ashiya answering Rika's questions as honestly as possible because he wants to tell her someday 💕

I wonder what the people of Japan think about the exploding TVs that have no consistency in brand. Seismic event?

"Raguel and Sariel worked as a pair. They'd strip angels of their immortality, banish them to Ente Isla—" Lucifer dropping the incredibly wild lore that they will not elaborate on

"You, who keeps together two beings that by rights should be incompatible... may one day become the mother of a new Daath." Lailah, I feel like this is giving Chiho a lot of credit for something that's not even mostly on her. Emi and Maou have persistently tried to understand each other, regardless of if Chiho was there or not. Besides that, you'd think that if you were gonna credit someone for bringing them together, it'd be Alas Ramus

Lmao @ Emi being the Heavenly equivalent of a Zonkey

"If people knew that angels were the same as normal humans, humanity's faith and worship would crumble." I don't know, the cross-form courtship didn't seem to bother followers of Zeus. Tales told, he'd impregnate anything

"She says to say, 'leave me alone, dummy!' and stick out my tongue." Lailah confirms via Chiho that sass is genetic

"I now begin your trial!" is actually a sick as hell way to declare a fight, go Suzuno

Emilia having a crisis of morality about Maou not actually having killed her father while Maou and Alciel are literally transforming into demons in front of a crowd of people

Maou bursting a cola bottle out of concern for his Not Wife:

Also also. Is the implication here just that Lailah had Chiho throw a magical dust storm over various parts of Tokyo in the hopes some would hit Maou. Bold. I like it

"But if I hadn't been the Hero, I probably wouldn't have met you, so I don't hate it so much now." Emi is such a good mum 💞 She said the absentee parenting ends with me

"You recovered fast. Processed all your emotions already?" "None of it makes sense, so I'm putting it off until later." WOW WHAT A LIFE MOOD EMI HAHAHAHA

"Are there fees in Heaven?" Even angels cannot escape capitalism

Maou reasonably points out that Chiho is way too chill about being possessed hahahaha

"Surely haven't forgotten me... Satan Jacob." I fully forgot that Maou has a real name

"As the househusband, Ashiya manages the Devil's Castle's finances," I love that the recap special is calling it like it is

I enjoy the description of Alas Ramus as "taking the Devil and Hero for her family," because it has the double meaning of 1) assuming they are their family and 2) making them her family by force, they must obey the toddler

I know the implication is that Lailah is Alas Ramus's metaphorical mother, but I do like both Alas Ramus and Emi's bond and also just the idea that Lailah has essentially strong-armed Emilia (and Maou) into giving her a grandbaby

Lailah, probably: I can't wait to be a grandma

Emi: I'm not expecting any children

Lailah: You should be 🥰

"They managed to drive off Gabriel with the power of family." What an accurate and funny way to describe this fight

Say what you will about Gabriel, he's not above a tactical retreat

"Of the two of them, the one we really need to watch out for is Alciel." Suzuno said: Ladies, ur man is gullible he'll be fine

"Tailing them was going a bit far." Hahahaha Maou is one of the only people in this friend group who isn't possessed of the urge to relentlessly follow the other friends for entertainment or suspicion

I said this 3 minutes before he sent Ashiya to tail them again hahahaha

I love that Suzuno and Emi's excuse for where they're going is just "girls talk." What you gonna do about it, Demon Boys?

"That your wife?" "She's the mother, but not my wife." I do appreciate the town being under the general impression that Alas Ramus is the product of Emi and Maou having a one-night-stand

HKJFHFKJFHKJFH I guess they cut out Alas Ramus joining Maou at the bathhouse, because reasonably, even if one of them is her father, they didn't figure it was best practice to animate her hanging out with three grown men at an onsen

"I can't think of anything more touching than someone wanting power not to leap into danger, but to escape or help her rescuers." Chiho ❤️

Also lmao @ them having this very sober conversation about Chi's motives for learning magic all dressed in their towels:

REAL QUICK ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT THE NEW OPENING THEME FUCKING RULES?????? HELLO!!!!!! It is every AMV I've ever mentally made for this series

"My goal is to become a barman." Love this for Kisaski

"The Devil turned out not to be the father-killer that Emilia wanted revenge on." [soft gasp] I kind of forgot that Chiho wasn't privy to this news LOL

"Why do I have to go through this headache to protect the devil?" Because you loooove him, Emi

Maou trying to protect Emi's feelings by suggesting he'll do evil things again 💘 Insane, but sweet

"If you really were just a cruel, bloodthirsty demon king, I wouldn't... I wouldn't be struggling with this so much! You never wanted to conquer the world! I think you just wanted someone to recognize you for doing something big!" EMI 😭😭😭 Something something a fundamental desire to understand each other

"Maybe that saved me from saying something I shouldn't." I desperately want to know what Maou's response to this was going to be before he got barrier-kidnapped

"If we refuse to change the path we walk, the world won't change either!" Maou being determined to learn a better way of life for his demon subjects

Fjfjlfjf Chiho popping up in the barrier to explain sumo idioms

Emi finally deals with some consequences to having a sentient toddler sword: Sometimes she won't want to fight ur enemies

Sariel said: I've turned over a new leaf, I'm in my helping era

"Yes, adults have dreams for the future too, you know?" How old is Kisaki supposed to be to be calling Maou kid LOL? I didn't peg her as any older than mid 20s

I love how much Maou looks up to full-time manager Kisaki

"Why else? To figure out why it went wrong, so I can help with Satan's dream." It's unclear to what degree Chiho is pro-world conquest hahahah

Immediately she clarified she's aiming for a happy, cooperative family dinner kind of conquest. Like being the president, but of your family, I guess

"What can such a thing [as currency] mean in the face of true might?" "Nothing, but I'm out to give it meaning." Somehow I don't think capitalism is the solve for Maou's problems

Maou turning himself into a demon using Suzuno and Emi's celestial force as a poison is one of my favourite mechanisms in this show kjhgkhgkj

HAHAHAH I love Maou declaring the girls as part of his Four But Actually Five Great Generals. Perfect writing. No notes:

Maou trying to relieve some of Emi's struggle by inviting her to find out who he really is and how he views the world 😭❤️

"Emilia the Hero, follow me," said Maou, accidentally proposing to his Not Wife

"I've given up on that closet. That's where we store Urushihara," said Ashiya, like he was a bag of flour and not a fallen angel in the body of a teenage boy

You know, I wasn't sure they were going to adapt the futon story because I believe it's a bonus chapter but I am sooo glad they are

I think this 'Emi has to be two train stations away' max sounds like something they made up for the show, bc I don't remember it. But I love it, more sleepovers!

"You mean the best course is to have Alciel and Lucifer sleep in my apartment like when Gabriel came?" Mama, Papa, and Baby sleepovers no less kjhgkgh. Emi could EASILY stay with Suzuno

"Parenting is a series of surprises, huh?" said Maou to Emi, about Alas Ramus getting a booboo, like their daughter hadn't arrived to them via giant apple with arms through a dimensional gate

Emi having an existential crisis every time they act like they're married with a child, which, they kinda are

When they lift Alas Ramus together over the staircase!!!! :')

"What's tough is deciding whether I should prioritize 'Hero' or 'Mama,' that's all." "I'm sorry. Both of my priorities work pretty much the same, so..." Maou apologizing for being fully oriented towards his family when Emi can't be ❤️‍🩹

Maou smiling while he thinks of their first human interactions, which consist of him giving Emi an umbrella and her trying to shank him ❤️ Insane Boy Behaviour

I truly can't remember where this udon B-plot is going LOL

"The sleepover can't happen!" said Ashiya, as if they were in grave danger

"You're usually pretty at home in Mom Mode yourself." HEE HEE Maou also calls it Mom Mode!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA Emi and Maou trying to manage both the feelings of their daughter (who wants them to get along and sleep as a family) and Chiho (who wants them to get along but also really doesn't want them to sleep together)

Maou 🤝 Alas Ramus 🤝 Lucifer: Being sensitive to ginger

Emi going to stay at her parents' place to get away from her feelings circles back to Romantic Drama: Family Edition

"Is it me, or you all acting like Emi's definitely in trouble—and like I have to go save her?" She is and you do, Maou

It's really very interesting when Ashiya and Lucifer show their political understandings of Ente Isla and the consequences of naming Emi general, but also her overall chance of survival. A foresight that Maou is trying hard to emulate

Maou convinced that Emi is going to come back 💔

Hahahaha, Tsubasa/Acieth just sniffing Maou in a public place like that's not a weird thing to do

LMAO @ THEM DOING THIS IN FRONT OF RIKA AND JUST LEAVING ASHIYA TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN:

Hfhgghkgjh I forgot that Acieth is the younger sister in the Yesod girls equation

Maou just plopping Emi's dad in their living room via magical flight while Ashiya is trying his best to explain why Suzuno and Urushihara could ALSO fly is peak comedy

"When a chosen one is prepared to expose the truth of the world, bring the wings to our daughter." Nord. Did your wife make a prophecy? Elaborate

Also. Also. Also. I know I shouldn't be phased by this. But WIFE? WHO OFFICIATED THIS WEDDING BETWEEN A FARMER AND AN ANGEL?

HAHAHAHAHA Libicocco pausing his terrorizing to teach Chiho how to say his name

"If you don't like what I'm doing, Miss MgRonald's Barista General, then force me to stop." Libicocco believes in addressing people by their correct titles

Obsessed with the implications of Rika's surprise towards Emi not being Japanese. What is the racial delineation of Ente Isla? Do all people in Ente Isla look ethnically Japanese? They have different skin tones, certainly, but do they generally appear some variety of features we would categorize as East Asian? Because Japan is one of the most ethnically homogenous places in the world, so either everyone looks like they're from Japan, or we have abandoned the structure of race entirely

"This is an oversimplication, but you can think of Yusa as an alien." [X-Files theme tune plays]

Rude of them to attack Ashiya, chronically-ill househusband

Maou's love for Alas Ramus is only matched by his irritation towards Acieth Alla

"I'd rather regret being betrayed than regret losing faith." 💗Suzuno

Lucifer protecting Suzuno/Bel and Chiho with his wings 😭 Their relationship has come so far

"We're just putting them back where they belong." They belong with the people they love and with those that love them!!

"I can't believe I'm letting the ruler of demons have my body... I'm sorry, Mom." Maou said: Thank you for making every interaction as weird as possible, Acieth

Suzuno giving her whole life to protect Chiho!!!!!! I love one (1) found family

"Bold of a mere Malebranche leader to take that tone with me, don't you think?" Maou said: Do you know who I am? Ur about to find out Libicocco

Maou has been here for a minute and a half and he's already managed to bring up Emi twice, I think he misses her

[YELLING] POWER SWAPPPPPPPPP YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Also the fact that the sword they share is named Better Half. COME ON. COME ONNNNNNNNNNN

"Trying to fight you seems like a losing proposition." Amane defeats Gabriel based on pure vibes

"I'm sure you've got some conflicting duties here, but I don't care. Make one wrong move and I'll punish you," said Maou to Libicocco, as if he had not already chopped off his arm. We have reached the end of his near-infinite patience 💖

Chamuel is living out his Old King Satan beef vicariously through Maou

Props to Ashiya to share coded messages while being kidnapped

"We're gonna go rescue Alas Ramus, Nord, Ashiya... and Emi." YEAH YOU ARE

I fully also forgot that Emi's hometown is named Sloane LOL

"Lisen, Alas Ramus... What's your mama's name?" "Lailah!" Their family tree grows more fucked up by the second LMAO

Also how does Alas Ramus know EVERYONE'S name but Emi's!

It's tough managing tantrums as the parent of a supernatural toddler:

"But I've made up my mind: I'll accept Emi and Mr. Ashiya no matter who they are, and I want to do what I can." Rika said: Count me in for Team Devil and Hero

"In fact, given Emi's strength, it worries me that she hasn't come back." [Everyone in the room gawks] They are unused to this level of emotional honesty from Maou about Emi hahahaha

Do you think Kisaki genuinely doesn't see the magical shenanigans or just pretends not to?

Maou is also forced to empathize with the experience of having a young girl inside his head with little-to-no impulse control and an angel vendetta. Co-parenting at its finest. This is like those people who do labour simulations for their partners hahaha

"I left Heaven before you guys started doing that stuff," said Lucifer, 'that stuff' being the creation of human beings from jewel fragments in their spare time

"I don't want to go back to a world where Heaven's safety is prioritized above all else." Sariel said: Ente Isla is LAME, I love tiddies and fast food management now

Rika constantly roasting Maou for not living up to his reputation both as a human and a demon. It's a fun little dynamic

"Why do I always want whatever I can't have?" said Emi, about a dream that ended with Maou stabbing her to death

"Once this mess is over, we'll have to have a big family meeting." I know they literally refer to each other by familial terms but it makes me happy to hear Maou say it

"My unification of the demon realm brought about order and peace, and fear and despair gradually disappeared. As a result, our magical reserves began to rapidly decline. Which was inevitable in hindsight, because we'd gotten rid of its source. It was my fault, and the realm would have starved if I didn't do something." I genuinely fucking love this world-building. What a paradox!!! To desire peace to have more of your people continue living and be driven to famine by its existence

"I forgive you, though. Satan, king of demons, I have heard your confession. I have judged all your words true, and I absolve you in my name, the name of Crestia Bel... regardless of whether God or anyone else in the world refuses to." This is one of my favourite conversations in this series. Suzuno having them back-to-back so Maou is better able to share, Maou's confession, the absolution. IT'S GOOD WRITING!!

Emi trying to prevent the army from killing any more demons!!! I love her

Emi crying over her fallen enemy she didn't even face because now in every demon she sees her friends 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"Albert, join forces with us. Rescuing Emi won't be enough to settle this." Maou said: I can go on a rescue mission AND make friends! Multi-tasking

The revelation that sephiroth are not inherently holy is very interesting but I am distracted by Alciel walking around with his pants unbuttoned bc they don't fit LOL

"But I wasn't born directly from sephiroth like they were. My dad came from a sephirah, but my mother is human, so I guess you can think of me as biracial." So race does exist, but in the weirdest way possible

Alciel using the MgR's shifts to calculate their date of rescue

LMAO @ MAOU ready to throw hands with Acieth over his magical impotence

"Adramelech wouldn't follow a King who was some bloodthirsty beast. So when Emilia said she wouldn't kill Satan, I figured I was okay observing just what sort of people these 'demons' really are." Albert admitting he already empathizes with demons, at least a little 💗

"Those are for warding off evil," said the barkeep, like the King of Demons wasn't sitting at a table right beside him getting a to-go box

"Who is Emi to you, Maou?" "Good question." IT IS A GOOD QUESTION

"Emi treats me like she's my equal or better. Everything I lack, she has," said Maou, in a very normal and chill way to describe your rival

Ashiya and Emi being used as pawns against each other 😭

"Why are you coming so deep into my heart?" said Emilia, in a decidedly even less normal or chill way to describe your rival

Alas Ramus coming around to remind Emi she's never alone 💝

"I let a lot of demons die by obeying Olba. I doubt the Devil and Alciel will forgive me." 1) Babygirl that is not your fault and 2) They absolutely will forgive you, you guys have written the masterclass on coexisting with people who have been party to your hardship

Alciel is SO GOOD at coded messages HAHA Emilia just had her sense of hope regained by a tofu-related threat

"The Devil is coming. For me," said Emi, with tears of happiness running down her face. Also. Why say it like that, Emilia

You see, I KNOW, I KNOW. I am being set up for disappointment, because while there's every indication in this arc that Emi has (at the very least) started to fall for/acknowledge her feelings for Maou, I have gathered from where Maou is at, and various little jibes on the internet by viewers (no spoilers pls), that that's probably not the way the light novels go. Which like. A damn shame. Because you have 36 episodes and 20 manga volumes of these two people giving each other a second chance, raising a child together, operating as a team, sharing powers, understanding each other's burdens in a way no one else possibly could, even being called numerous times husband and wife, AND YET. And yet. They will not go all-in on the relationship they've built. Call me a romantic, or barking up the wrong tree, but it seems WHACK

It's Hinata's Law. Wherever there exists a passionate but kind, mildly submissive, busty unacknowledged love interest with unparalleled loyalty to the protagonist, the writer will have to use them as an endgame relationship LMAO

"I need a shoulder to lean on." [Hops on his shoulders] I love Suzuno hahahaha

LMAO @ Albert and Bel getting sent back to start

"Emilia the Hero, you come to challenge me despite knowing the power of my hiyayakko (tofu) and ginger bud? How foolish!" HAHAHAHA THIS IS MY FAVOURITE FIGHT

Olba really miscalculated thinking demons would be loyal to him more than Alciel hahahaha

"Since our hands are tied, we'll dance until our strength runs out!" ❤️ We love a play fight

It is funny that Maou and Acieth are literally allergic to bonding

NOT ALAS RAMUS WANTING UNCLE ALCIEL TO SPIN HER FASTER WHILE MUM IS BEING TOSSED AROUND THE ROOF HAHAHAHA

"Don't damage the place too badly. Nord Justina is being held in the Cloud Retreat." Alciel helping Emi to keep her dad safe 😭

"They've been fighting for seven hours now. Talk about energy!" OMG props to Emi and Alciel for keeping it up so long

"Alas Ramus, Ashiya, Emi—I'm here!" shouted Maou, with literally no current assets to fight beyond a sick sword-girl

HAHAHAHAHAHA I FORGOT HE FOUGHT THE FOOT SOLDIERS WITH FIREWORKS AND MALOTOV COCKTAILS

"Just do your best to avoid hurting anyone!" Maou is so excited to be able to 'threaten people only' hahahah the benign evil of it all

"If I ever return to Japan, I'll make all those apologies I owe you." EMIIIIIIII 😭😭😭😭😭

"Ashiya, don't you think Emi's acting weird?" It's called emotional honesty, Maou, you should try it sometime

"Emi, I don't expect forgiveness for what I did back then either. But I found a lost treasure of yours, so I'm giving it back to you as a token of my apology." MAOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 😭💘😭💘😭💘😭💘😭💘

Maou, trying to explain that their daughter has a little sister who looks at least a decade older, who is also kind of the daughter of Emi's father, and Emi knowing Emi's mother is also kind of the mother of Emi and Maou's daughter: We'll trade diagrams later back at home xoxo

They finally have lyrics on the OP and I'm AHHHHHHHHH ("I was still pretending to fight alone / Would life be easier if I just let go" and "I tried to stay quiet but my voice rang out / I sang the song I couldn't forget about / I smiled with you, and that alone lightened my load") I want to tattoo this whole OP to my body

Maou telling Emi repeatedly to stay out of the fight so she doesn't compromise her position in Ente Isla by helping him 😭😭😭😭

NOT MAOU HAVING A FULL-ON PHONE CONVERSATION WITH SUZUNO MID-FIGHT HAHA

"I don't understand, but I shall assist," said Suzuno, summarizing the plot of the whole series

Emi giving Maou a Yesod fragment 😭 SYMBOLISM

EMI GETTING TO SEE MAOU USING BETTER HALF!!!! HEE HEE

"Yesod is branches. They tie life and life, heart and heart." !!!!!!!!!!!!

"Very well, we shall obey you, New General." Farfarello said: Okay Suzuno, you've charmed me

"There can be no genuine angels in this world." I can't believe we're about to unlock the most ludicrous origin story since the Naruto war arc

ACTUALLY THEY'RE NOT GOING TO? THEY'RE NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN THE WHOLE [REDACTED] STORYLINE? OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD!!!! That's so fucking funny. The animation studio said: That's not my problem. Goodbye 💖

"Papa's gonna work even harder than usual—My daughter is watching!" Maou in his ultimate Dad Era

"Human, I don't know what you intend to do next... but don't die." Libicocco said: I would like to be friends with Suzuno also

"Nothing about our relationship has changed," said Maou, like they hadn't had to face and resolve every trauma in their friendship on this one road trip

"I'm giving you the right to choose what I call you from now on, Miss Emilia Justina!" I love Rika 😭

You know, regardless of all other factors, I do find every part of these characters a delight. IT'S A NICE STORY!

#ayesha liveblogs diapt #ayesha talks anime #devil is a part timer #diapt series #liveblogging #i've been liveblogging a lot lately but i will never match how much anime i watched in 2017. including s1 of this show #whatever happened to me that year i will never remember #anyway welcome to this liveblog of the adaption of my favourite manga

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amar-bell · 9 months

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I always come back Chapter 4

“Good morning bench mate!” Gregory greeted Cassie with a bright smile. Cassie looked up from her book and blinked. “Good morning Gregory.” The brunette sat down next to her. “What ‘cha reading?” Cassie lifted up the book, the title said ‘Cinderella is Dead’. “Ooh! I read this a week back!” Cassie’s eyes lit up with excitement. “Really?!” She moved her chair closer to him. “I did! Where are you right now?” “Constance and Sophia are meeting at Cinderella’s tomb.” “Ooh! They’re such a cute couple, Constance and Sophia.” Cassie rested her chin on her hand. “Really? Well now I'm excited." I laughed a little, and Cassie gave me a confused look. “What’s so funny?” “Well it’s just that.. I’ve never really seen you express any emotion, it’s hard to tell what you’re feeling.. You don’t really wear your heart on your sleeve.”

“Oh.” Cassie looked away. “I’ve never really been expressed that much.. Every now and then I might.. I don’t know why.” Gregory bit down on his bottom lip. “You know what. I’ll make it my mission to smile. One big bright smile!” Cassie blinked at him once more. “That’s.. Going to be hard Gregory.” “Well that’ll make the result all the more satisfying.” Cassie simply rolled her eyes.

“Mr. Ramirez and Ms. Nightingale, can you please pay attention? Just because you have finished your homework, it does not mean you can talk.” The teacher spoke firmly, catching both of them off guard. They hadn’t heard her come in. “Sorry ma’am.” Gregory responded. Once the teacher had looked away, Cassie whispered to him, “Gregory Ramirez? That’s your name?” Greg nodded in response. “Yeah.. a nice lady adopted me 5 years ago.. I didn’t really have a last name until then.” Cassie nodded at that. “I was adopted too.. I was homeless for a while..”

Gregory’s heart skipped a beat. So she was adopted?! This was big! There could be a very real chance then that this could be his Cassie! “You seem very excited..” Cassie mumbled. “O-Oh.. well.. I’ve never really met anyone else who.. You know.. Was adopted like me.” He didn’t really think before adding, “I mean.. There was one girl..” he cursed himself once he said it.

Cassie straightened when she heard that. “Oh.” She suddenly seemed much more interested in the conversation. “What was she like?” Gregory rubbed her neck, a slight blush on his face. “She.. looked a lot like you.. She was so brave, and she was my best friend..” “What was her name?” Greg hesitated, before opening his mouth to answer.

“Mr. Ramirez and Ms. Nightingale. Do I need to repeat myself?” The teacher suddenly asked. “No ma’am.” The two of them responded. “Good.” Gregory and Cassie didn’t talk after that, and Cassie didn’t ask about it after that, which was completely fine with Gregory. He didn’t think he wanted to talk about their friendship 5 years ago this early.

“You both are progressing quite well.” Roxy said, clearly impressed. “He found one sign that it might be your.. Carrots.” Vanessa said to the wolf. “It's better than nothing, night guard.” Freddy shrugged from where he was seated on the couch. “She has a point Vanessa.” Gregory went and sat down next to the animatronic bear, who patted him on the head.

“Though, I'd say even if it isn’t our Carrots, Gregory hasn’t really hesitated when it comes to getting close to her.” Roxy was giving him a smug look. “Why do you even have a personality? You’re a literal robot..” Gregory asked the wolf irritatedly. She was really getting on his nerves with the teasing. “Hey look, I'm not the one who’s quite literally flirting with her!” “I'm not flirting! Mom, tell her!” Vanessa simply smiled. “I don’t know Greg, sounds a lot like flirting.” Greg glared at her, and pulled out his phone. “It is 5:57 pm. Now I know the exact moment when our friendship died.” Everyone burst out laughing, and Gregory eventually joined them.

“But seriously Greg, just admit it we can tell you sort of like her!” “Oh for god’s sake I don't!” ~

“You’re awfully quiet today. Are you okay?” Gregory looked up from his textbook over at Cassie. He couldn’t stop thinking about how everyone in his family thought he liked this girl. Sure, she was cute, there was no doubt about it, but he didn’t like her.

Nope. Not at all.

So why did he get butterflies in his stomach with the way her attention was all on him? “Oh. Well.. Just studying.. You know.. For exams.”

“We don’t have any exams until next month Gregory.” “..never too early to study.” Cassie rolled her eyes, her mouth moved up into what Gregory assumed was a half smile, though it didn’t look like it. It really was hard to tell. “Can’t really argue with that.” “Because it’s true and you know it~” She gently nudged his stomach, and Gregory giggled at that. When he looked back at her, the girl was staring blankly at him.

“Are you okay?” He asked, snapping Cassie out of her thoughts. “Oh. Yeah I am.” She then looked back down into her own notebook where she had been doing her homework, and Gregory swore he saw her blushing slightly.

They sat in silence for some time, until Gregory heard Cassie groan quietly. “Gregory..” She called. “I have a question.” He looked over at her, and she moved closer, placing her notebook on his side of the table, before pointing at one of the questions. “They want us to prove this, but I don't know how. How’d you solve it?”

Gregory pulled out his pen and moved to the back page of her notebook. “It’s quite simple..” He said, before starting to explain how to solve it to her. Cassie listened with rapt attention, and Gregory really enjoyed it.

“And that’s how you solve it.” He finished with a bright smile, looking up at Cassie, before blushing.

She was sitting close to him.

Too close.

Their noses were practically touching.

She had her hand on his knee, Gregory hadn’t even noticed her touch him.

Cassie seemed similarly flustered, gulping inaudibly before taking her hand off his knee and looking away to hide her blushing face. “Thanks for teaching me..” She mumbled, taking the notebook from him. “Don’t mention it, I'm just glad you know how to solve it now.” “You’re a great teacher..” He smiled at that. Cassie smiled a little too, which made Greg’s heart sing in joy. “I can see you smiling a little.. Guess we’re making progress..” The girl rolled her eyes, before taking her notebook back from him. “I suppose we are..”

#fnaf #ruin #gregory #cassie #glamarock freddy #roxxanne wolf #vanessa

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fairycosmos · 2 years

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I've had a number of strange occurrences in my life, as have my mom and both my grandmothers. Here are a few:

-In the house my mom and I lived in when I was a kid, there was a ghost named Chewie. He died in the house before my mom moved in, he hung himself. Pretty often he would leave the toilet seat up, turn lights off and on, close doors, open and close cabinets, but if you just told him to knock it off he would. One time my mom was getting ready for a party with her friend "M". M went into the kitchen to get something while my mom was in another room, and when she came back she asked my mom if "that guy" was going to the party with them. My mom told M they were the only people in the house, but M insisted there was a man in the kitchen wearing a flannel and jeans. They searched the whole house but no one was there.

-I don't experience sleep paralysis or anything of the kind, but when my girlfriend and I first moved to the city we lived in an old old duplex, with an unfinished basement and an empty apartment above. We would often hear footsteps, but we assumed it was squatters or rats. A couple times we called the landlords but when they went to check no one would be there. The first night we stayed in the apartment, our mattress was on the floor. I woke up in the middle of the night and there was a woman lying on the floor looking back at me. she seemed very old and was mostly translucent. We stared at each other until I fell back asleep. The landlords told us the next day there was an old woman who had died in the apt above ours a few months before, and she had lived there for almost 50 years. The basement too was incredibly creepy, I tried never to be alone down there, something just felt off. I always felt like there was a man down there, just out of eyesight. One night I was taking an uber home from work, and my driver mentioned that he had lived in the exact same apartment about a year before us. We were just chatting and he asked, without my bringing it up, if we also had noticed a dark something in the basement. I was surprised, because this guy didn't seem like the type to believe in ghosts. We both agreed that something felt very wrong in the basement, and that bad things just seemed to happen while we were living there.

-the night my cousin died of a heroine OD, i dreamt of swallowing mouthfuls of loose teeth and just new something was wrong. My dad called the next day.

-My elementary school was built in the 1800s, and I sometimes saw a woman in a black 1890s style dress waving from one of the attic windows.

-My grandmother is mormon and has multiple visions on record with the sakt lake city temple - this is not common.

-I have dreams of exact moments in time often. They usually aren't anything big - a kid kicking a soccer ball in a specific place and angle, a snippet of conversation between my mom and sibling - but they're always exact.

I think it's more likely that places remember than spirits linger, but there are definitely moments in my life that have stuck with me.

whew - you could literally write a book about these, and i'd read it numerous times LOL. the idea that a place remembers is so cool, i've rarely thought of it like that. about that guy chewie, it just makes me so sad. i wonder if he's sitll living some version of his life day after day somehow, not knowing he's dead. and that old woman on the floor. i wonder if she was looking out for you (positive) or watching you (negative) lol. just creeps me out. i think the taxi driver asking that would've sent me into such a spiral - the fact that you didn't even say anything to him but he brought it up first. very weird. also, the teeth dream, i didn't realise this was linked to death at all. my sister would talk about having it all the time, like so so much. we thought it's because she was stressed. anyway, these are all really cool and unsettling to think about. what does it mean, what does it all mean! maybe youre kinda psychic? or you can see into the places memories. ty for sharing <3

#anon #ghost stories

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jessybarnes · 2 years

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That time my 10 year old made a little boy cry because he disrespected Bucky in front of her.

Let me preface this by saying that my little girl may be short for her age. 49 inches tall to be exact, and she's usually pretty shy. But when it comes to Bucky... hoo boy... my daughter DOES NOT PLAY when it comes to "her Bucky Bear." (That's what she calls him.) Anyway, this happened the other day and I just had to share it. My friend who works at the school saw the whole thing too. See below the cut for my daughter and I's conversation.

Dava: "Momma? I know you said I won't get in trouble if I defend myself when people are mean to me, but is that still true if someone is mean to someone I love?"

Me: "Yes, baby. If you see someone being mean to someone else it's okay to defend them. In fact, I want you too!"

Dava: "Well, this one kid that bullies me and my other friend said mean things about Bucky today and I couldn't help it, Mom. I just lost it."

Me: *thinking to myself: Oh, lord that was a mistake.* "What happened? What did he say?"

Dava: "We were at recess and I took my Bucky Keychain off my backpack because I wanted to bring him outside for some fresh air. And that boy came up to me and said, "You know he's not a hero, right? He's not even an Avenger. The only cool thing about him was when he was the Winter Soldier, but the Black Panther people took that away so now he's just a dumb dude who was born in New York."

Me: *thinking: Is...is this little boy still alive?* "And what did you do?"

Dava: "Well, I jumped off the monkey bars and stomped up to him. He's a lot taller than me, but I stood so close our toes were almost touching. I looked up at him and said, "Wow, I knew you were dense, but I didn't know you were stupid and blind too. James Buchanan Barnes IS a hero. Look it up, dummy. Marvel confirmed it months ago. He may not have been named an OFFICIAL Avenger, but I'll bet you any amount of money that Sam Wilson will make him feel like he is one in Captain America: Brave New World. Oh, and if you think it's cool when someone is literally TORTURED AND BRAINWASHED to be a freaking murderous puppet then you need to see a doctor because Bucky didn't deserve ANY of that bull crap that Hydra did to him! And another thing! The 'Black Panther people' you mentioned are called the Dora Milaje so get it right! And you wanna know what else? Bucky wasn't born in New York you stupid jerk! He was born in Shelbyville, Indiana! Yeah, that's right! Here in Indiana! So go educate yourself and keep Bucky's name out of your mouth because he's a KING!"

Me: *Jaw on the floor* "And then?"

Dava: "He cried and then I don't know what happened after cause I went back to the monkey bars."

Damn she's brutal.... I pity anyone else who says something about Sebby or Bucky around her 😬 lol.

#j snow talks #j snow's daughter says things #bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky #james barnes #james bucky barnes #sergeant bucky barnes #sergeant james buchanan barnes #sergeant barnes

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angelbluediary · 1 month

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Oh my god. I am so drained. What an exhausting, emotionally combative day.

Today I drove M to the city for his doctor’s appointment since our parents are both working again. We left at 12:30. During the appointment I saw messages from Anne and she’s upset with me for my latest disappearance. Says she needed me and that I hurt her by not being there when she could have used my support.

(She could have texted or called and I would have seen those but regardless).

There are 2 people in this world I consider myself very close to. My brother. And Anne. And only because Anne has always understood and dealt easily with my need to up and vanish sometimes. It’s not like I’m ignoring her—though to be perfectly honest, sometimes I need to for my mental health—I just can’t interact with the world. I get totally burnt out on everything and everyone and I retreat so deeply into myself. We have joked before that I’m like a feral neighborhood cat who you’re excited to see pop up but never expect to come back at a certain time. That freedom; that permission feels like love to me. And she revoked it because I didn’t think to message her back on discord when I was in a depressive spiral.

And to be fair, yeah, it was a long lasting one. I shut everyone out. I don’t expect everyone to be cool with it. I’ll never hound someone to be good with it, to forgive me, to keep letting me back in. This is who I am now. This is what I need now. Does it sound like I’m making excuses? I am trying to be accountable for behavior patterns I have no hope of changing anytime soon or even want to.

Anyway. All this just to say, I have lost a vital safe space today but I’m trying not to make it about me because when you’re the avoidant friend, the depressed friend who “always does this/she’s just like that,” how can it not be your fault, right? That’s what I think I should feel, at least. That this is my fault. That I should take accountability. So I’m trying to, without folding over and making myself a door mat, and without begging for forgiveness and friendship.

But the truth is that I’m hurt now. It’s always been fine before. And something ugly in me, that age-old jealousy, rears its head in defense, because don’t you have a million and one support systems? Aren’t you surrounded by friends and family and a lover? Aren’t you living on your own in a nice big house fully decorated to your liking? Isn’t money a non-issue for you? Don’t you have all these fun life experiences and go out to incredible events all the time, isn’t your life steadily moving forward and rewarding you at every turn with the fruits of your labor??

I’ve counted on 2 people I can turn to for years and I’m not afraid to snuff out one of those stars. I would rather feel alone than ever feel guilty in someone else’s presence again.

I don’t want to talk to her now and it’s so much worse than before when I simply felt self conscious about going MIA.

Anyway.

Back home after 6. Before I’m even given a chance to sit and unwind, to sip some water and just breathe, my mom wants to talk about money.

On Monday, I’d picked up Walmart groceries that my parents placed on their credit card. The morning of, they canceled a few items they didn’t have in stock. I went out again on Tuesday to get those items—dinner food for everyone. I picked up cookie dough. I added up the amount for family items, subtracted the cookie dough, then subtracted more. It was around $20, I Venmo requested $11 from my dad.

And my parents did not like that.

It was seen as me being entitled, ungrateful, selfish. The conversation between my mom and I quickly got heated, as per usual, because she just comes out the gate twisting the knife. And then denied that she ever compares me to my siblings when she literally just had in the previous moment but the exact words had dissolved almost instantly, I always struggle to take in what’s being said in the moment once I’m in a place of deep hurt, and then she looks at me like I’m stupid when I can’t quote her right then and there.

She kept pointing out that they give me everything they can and I don’t have to pay rent or food or for pads or essential things I absolutely need. She even presented a theoretical situation about me doing all this for a friend who was down on their luck and wouldn’t I be offended if they requested $11 from me for some groceries?

I had to swallow my anger and say “yes.” I knew I had to defuse and pivot. But all I wanted to do was scream “I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU PROMISED ME REPEATEDLY THAT I COULD REST HERE AND BE TAKEN CARE OF AND I HAVE NOTHING TO MY NAME.”

They do not see the things I do, things that my siblings do NOT do, as anything special. Sacrificing whole days to my siblings’ needs, to my parents’, cooking, cleaning, performing all these tasks that I take genuine pride in because I feel like it makes me USEFUL AND NOT HATED HERE and then it all turns out to be for nothing!!!! They simply expect it of me because I was born first!!!!!!!!!

Oh what the fuck I just typed so much and it fucking deleted it out of nowhere . FUCK.

I should note that the conversation with my mom ended okay. She kept reaffirming that she loves me, how special I am to her, that knowing I don’t have money changes the situation in her eyes (it hurts that she automatically assumed I feel entitled to their cash). Hugs and kisses. But the whole time I was standing in front of her, I made a solemn vow with myself to not accept their handouts anymore. I cannot fucking stand anyone lording anything over me. R and his family. My family. I hate being dependent on others. Being pulled every which way, never being able to measure up. I feel torn apart. I feel empty. Every time, EVERY TIME I get comfortable here and start feeling like I can take a little more, like my siblings do, it comes back to bite me. When I stop thinking about what I owe to others and how carefully I must hold myself in check —

If I am not a burden, why would she keep dangling the terms of them letting me move back in over my head?

I have to get out. I have to support myself and rely on no one else. I have to be so secure I’m not fighting to make it month to month but can see to the horizon of my future, can see at least how I’ll get through the year realistically. I can’t take this. I need to be so far away. From everyone. Let no one look at me. Let no one touch me. If it weren’t for the lack of rent money and the everyday screaming and commotion in my coastal 1 bedroom, that would have been the happiest time of my entire life. Still certainly the freest. And I ache for it again.

Since it is M’s birthday I cannot lay here and brood all evening. His bf will be here soon with his mom and we’ll all eat dinner and cut cake and open presents and celebrate. My mom will try to stand close to me, maybe put her arm around me. I often think I should mature in those moments right then and there, get over all my bubbling bitterness, because one day I’ll long for those touches and these moments. But there’s so much hurt in me. I feel like I’m drowning in it. I can pretend it’s not there and sometimes even forget about it but it never goes away or gets better. I’m choking: I’m drowning. Again and again like all these wounds are fresh.

#off my chest #family stuff #fucking hell #august 2024

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unravelingthepages · 1 year

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She Gets The Girl- Go read it!!

Hi! She Gets The Girl by Rachael Lippincott and Alyson Derrick is frankly amazing! I went into the book with slightly mixed reviews, the majority favorable but there were two or three that said it wasn’t all that great. So I was beyond happy to find that this book surpassed all my expectations. It is now officially one of my favourite romances, and I will absolutely be recommending this to you. So go read it! A definite 5 stars.

The Plot

Alex Blackwood is a little bit headstrong, with a dash of chaos and a whole lot of flirt. She knows how to get the girl. Keeping her on the other hand…not so much. Molly Parker has everything in her life totally in control, except for her complete awkwardness with just about anyone besides her mom. She knows she’s in love with the impossibly cool Cora Myers. She just…hasn’t actually talked to her yet. Alex and Molly don’t belong on the same planet, let alone the same college campus. But when Alex, fresh off a bad (but hopefully not permanent) breakup, discovers Molly’s hidden crush as their paths cross the night before classes start, they realize they might have a common interest after all. Because maybe if Alex volunteers to help Molly learn how to get her dream girl to fall for her, she can prove to her ex that she’s not a selfish flirt. That she’s ready for an actual commitment. And while Alex is the last person Molly would ever think she could trust, she can’t deny Alex knows what she’s doing with girls, unlike her. As the two embark on their five-step plans to get their girls to fall for them, though, they both begin to wonder if maybe they’re the ones falling…for each other.

Why you should read it

Lets start with the characters. Both were amazing and their transition from tolerating each other to grudging friends to ‘you’re the best friend I’ve ever had’ to ”I love you’ was- *chef’s kiss*. I related to them both and felt for them so much.

The dynamics between the characters were interesting because they showed different sides of Alex and Molly. Especially their respective relationships with their mothers. Alex had so many layers to her and I loved seeing her have open conversations with Molly, especially after never having a support system.

This book takes place over the course of a little more than a month so Alex and Molly’s relationship has just begun laying its foundation but I can just see them living together and being the supportive family Alex never got.

I loved that the book was from both their perspectives. Seeing them both fall in love was amazing. And okay, this book is supposed to be a romcom, right? So why was I crying???! It was simply amazing, the last library scene especially. I cried. Though it did make me laugh out loud too, so I guess calling it a romcom isn’t unfounded.

All-in-all, go read it!!! Have you read this book? Please tell me you loved it as much as me! And if not, tell me how you found it anyway, I’d love to know about your experience with She Gets The Girl.

P.S finding out that the authors were married at the end of the book literally made my day. and the fact that it’s dedicated to themselves? i can cry.

i don’t know how to explain this but when I read a book I can’t imagine the faces of the characters? like they’re just faceless blobs but at the same time I know what their exact expressions are at any given moment

#book blog #book recommendations #book review #book reviews #bibliophile #book blogger #she gets the girl #romance books #bookblr #booklr

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apocalypticgargoyle · 3 years

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Hii!! I was wondering if you can write a dream imagine where like you guys are secretly dating and you sometimes post you and dream holding hands but you never tag him so like people know that you are dating someone but no one really knows who and one day you and the guys were talking and you say something like “oh yeah my boyfriend gave me this this and this” and everyone else is all like omg that’s cute but sapnap is over here like “dude dream literally had that here yesterday” but like sapnap doesn’t say anything to you guys he just tells the rest of the guys that he thinks you guys are dating but has zero evidence so the next few weeks they are just trying to catch you guys and one day when they suspect that dream is cheating (when he was actually like asking your mom for your hand in marriage or something) the boys are all like “dude we caught dream talking with someone else I’m so sorry to tell you this” and like you and dream start laughing so hard bc it was your mom and you guys are like “yeah We’ve been dating for like a year now did we not tell you guys?” Or something like “oh yeah did we not make it obvious?” Idk if it made sense 😭😂

I'm ✍️✍️✍️✍️

𝐌𝐎𝐌'𝐒 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄. ♘ 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

warnings: one or two swear words

You leaned back in your chair, listening to the conversation unfolding before you. You turned the volume up slightly as Sapnap began to tease you about your gaming techniques. You giggled as others began to weigh in, joking about this and that. George’s voice came in above the others. “Guys shut up, her boyfriend works for Microsoft and can get you banned,” he mocked, making you snort.

The image of Dream trying to figure out how to boil water flashed into your mind. “Yeah, he’s terrifying,” you chided.

Sapnap was the next to pipe up. “You can tell us you don’t have a boyfriend, you know. No one will care.”

“No yeah, I do. He bought me this shirt,” you defended, lifting the hem of your hoodie to show the group of them, earning a chorus of sarcastic cooing. Sapnap’s eyebrows furrowed slightly as if he’d seen it before.

George smugly grinned at you. “Oh, yeah? Does he go to another school?”

You snickered. “Shut up,” you mumbled, the chat switching to a new subject. Little did you know, Sapnap was texting George and the rest of them about his suspicions that this mysterious boyfriend of yours was actually Dream, knowing full well that he’d seen Dream buy that exact shirt a few weeks prior.

You’d been dating him for nearly a year, choosing to blatantly disregard any questions about who he was and vice versa. Most of your photos on Instagram involving him were vague and gave your audience more confusion than understanding. Comments about searching for your OnlyFans to see if they could recognize his voice began to circulate and your friends even fueled that fire.

You weren’t sure what Dream had told Sapnap all those months of secrecy, but somehow it seemed like the t-shirt was the first hint at your relationship. After he’d addressed his suspicions with the rest of your group, it was like a hunt to find out if it really was Dream or if Sapnap was just a few marbles short of sanity from one too many late nights.

In the midst of this wild goose chase, Dream was focused on getting your mom to warm up to him. She was a difficult woman to impress, but he was just as (if not more) stubborn than she was. It wasn’t that she didn’t like him, but he’d rather have her favor him over your past boyfriend and there was one she was determined to prefer over him until the end of time. You often joked about him getting close to you only for him to date your mother, which drove him absolutely sideways.

When she visited, he made dinner for all of you and―after studying for a week prior―discussed various books and authors she loved. It wasn’t until he exhaustedly brought up The Crown that the two of them finally clicked. He’d found her “g-spot,” you’d often tease.

After that, they were practically inseparable and he was the one that took her to lunch and sightseeing when she was in town until you got out of school. It was on one of these visits that Sapnap had spotted the two. She was talking Dream’s ear off about something, touching his arm to articulate her points and mockingly appraising him for opening doors for her without being asked.

At this point, Sapnap and the group were certain the two of you were together, therefore when Dream’s voice picked up on his radar and he saw him schmoozing an older woman, his stomach sank. He watched the two of them for a bit, not seeing much change in the way they communicated, but through the glass of the front of the restaurant, he was shocked that Dream was going behind your back in such a way.

That night the group was rather quiet, only a few mumbles from the others would pitch in as you and Dream basically had a conversation amongst yourselves. “So what’s the news. Why is everyone suddenly so mellow?” You joked, making a few of them chuckle awkwardly.

George cleared his throat. “Uh, we have to tell you something…” he muttered. “Dream’s talking to someone else…”

Your eyebrows perked slightly. “What do you mean?” You queried, Dream sending a silent what into the air.

Sapnap sighed. “I saw him with someone else earlier today. They looked like they were on a date or something…”

Dream laughed into his microphone, wheezing as he went about. “You bitch! I knew you were hooking up with my mom!” You joked, biting back your own giggles. You could hear the physical embodiment of a question mark ricocheting through the chat. “Dream and my mom are absolute besties. I wouldn’t be surprised-”

Dream drew in a sharp breath, his laugh making his voice barely audible as he cut you off. “STOP don’t encourage them!” He bellowed, struggling to breathe through his chuckles.

“What’s Dream doing with your mom?” George asked, tilting his head with a probing expression.

You wet your lips. “Since we’ve started dating, he’s been obsessed with being her favorite,” you jested.

“Since you’ve started dating?” Sapnap repeated to the group as if proving he’d been right the whole time.

Dream sighed, catching his breath. “Yeah, I’m at her place right now,” he spoke. “Hold on, I’ll prove it.” You let out a small chuckle as you heard him set his headphones down, followed by his footsteps thundering up your stairs before he was standing behind you. He briefly pressed his lips against yours in a greeting before leaning toward your microphone and sending a “hello from the otherside” to the group.

He leaned his arm against the back of your chair, you switching on your camera mainly because it was just the group of you. “I thought we were pretty obvious like you guys were just making fun of me because you knew it was him,” you stated.

Sapnap looked over his shoulder slightly as if he were listening for movement in his own home. “Wait, when did you leave?”

Dream scoffed. “I’ve been here all day. I literally woke you up to tell you where I was going.” Sapnap furrowed his brows in disbelief at this.

George was clicking away at his computer. “See, I knew I recognized your hands in the Instagram photos,” he mumbled. “I hate it here.”

You smirked slightly. “That being said, my boyfriend does own your guys’ server so he will ban you if you make fun of me.”

#mcyt x reader #dream x reader #dream fluff #dream imagine #dreamwastaken fluff #dreamwastaken dsmp #dreamwastaken fanfic #dreamwastaken imagine #dreamwastaken x reader

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theirbbygirl · 3 years

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Second Lead Syndrome

Word Count: ~8.7k words

liked this? there’s more on my masterlist!

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Comedy, Female reader insert

Description: Y/n and Minho have been friends for more than 2 years now, but suddenly she begins to see herself as the mere second lead in Minho’s story. Will she be the rare second lead who gets her own happy ending?

Warnings: some crying, themes of unrequited love (if there’s anything that I missed don’t hesitated to let me know!)

I’d only ever encountered Second Lead Syndrome in the dramas I’d watched. Wanting the girl to end up with the second lead who was so obviously the better and healthier choice, but like every avid watcher of kdramas, it's more than likely for the main leads to end up with each other, that was just how it worked. What I never thought I’d encounter was seeing it happen before my own eyes and experience it firsthand.

Life was never supposed to be a kdrama. Life was supposed to be simple, a straight line, going from point A to B with no complications. But life never really went my way did it? It just had to throw in one variable, one man that had too much influence on my life.

I couldn’t remember the first time I met Minho. It was probably sometime in the first grade when his family first moved in next to mine. But alas, we were both too young to remember exactly what sparked our friendship. One day we were strangers and the next we had given our parents a near heart attack when we both went after a stray cat on the way back home (my mom’s words, not ours). From then my memories were filled with him, just us besties hanging out like anyone would with their best friend. First party, first mental breakdown, first drink, all with him. Soon enough we were in our final year of University, and ultimately, adults.

The Minho I knew was laid back, not too extroverted but not too introverted either. While I completely contrasted him, always anxious about something, wanting perfection to the T, and completely and utterly introverted. Our friendship, moving into University, sparked a lot of questions. You wouldn’t typically find the introverted straight-A student with the borderline badboy tsundere walking and laughing in the halls together, spending practically every waking moment together. But Minho didn’t care, and neither did I, so we moved through life pretty easily.

One of the few things we had in common was our love for cats, and when we both foudn out there was a cat cafe just a few minutes walk from our campus, you best bet we spent too much of our time and money there. Studying, hanging out, anything you could imagine. If we weren’t in one of our dorms, we were more than likely to be in the cat cafe.

Every day after class we’d go there and we’d complain about our least favorite professors and how lectures would seemingly last for longer than they should. Additionally, Minho had almost become akin to my own dormmate with how much time he spent in my dorm. He’d come in whenever he wished, stealing my frozen pizzas and sodas, using my Netflix account on my TV to watch weird National Geographic shows and make random comments like “that snake looks just like Kim Seungmin,” or “look its Hannie” whenever a squirrel came on screen. Minho was always there when I needed a drinking partner after bombing a test or assignment, pouring me shots of soju until I passed out and bringing me to my bed and tucking me in whiel he would sleep on the couch to make sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid in the middle of the night.

Although, more people knew Minho’s name than mine, but that didn’t bother any of us. We continued on being friends as usual, and it felt like nothing would change that. Life was moving in a straight line like it should’ve always been.

At least, that’s what it felt like until February, just a few months before we graduated.

I make my way to our usual spot in the courtyard after buying an iced coffee and a snickers bar from the vending machine next to my classroom, I walk up behind Minho sitting on a bench when I find him staring out in front of him instead of looking at cat videos on his phone like he usually does. Slowing my walk, I trail my eyes to the vague direction he’s facing and see that he’s looking at Kim Seungmin and a girl chatting outside the classroom. I ignore the thought, opting to think that Minho must’ve spaced out thinking about how he would irritate Seungmin next class. I plop down next to him when he still doesn’t take note of my arrival, so I get right next to his ear and blow cold air into it, snickering when he jolts in surprise.

“What was that for?” He whines, fake annoyed.

“You got lost up in your thoughts for a certain Kim Seungmin there.” I snicker some more, opening my snickers (hehe) bar.

Just as I’m about to take the first bite of the sugary goodness, the chocolate bar gets snatched out of my hands and a certain Lee Minho takes an obnoxious bite out of it, not even giving it back but eating it like it was his. I pout, watching him devour my snack, knowing that I couldn’t do anything to get it back.

“For your information, I was not thinking about Kim Seungmin.” He says pointedly, slightly muffled by the chocolate in his mouth.

I sigh, knowing I wasn’t going to get that chocolate bar back any time soon, and open my iced coffee. “So what were you thinking about then?” I ask before taking a sip.

“Don’t know, spaced out.” Is all the answer I get and I highly doubt him, but I brush it off anyways and don’t pry.

Minho and I slide into our usual conversation about assignments, plans for the week, and everything under the sun. We talk about how he’s planning to visit home the next day and stay for a weekend and how excited he is to see his cats after a long time, I unknowingly smile at his ramble about how talkative Dori is, and just sit back and listen. I never took into account how healing it was to just watch and listen to him talk, the sultry of his voice and his little exclamations of frustration or excitement that came once in a while. I had to catch myself from staring when he turned to look at me, having asked me a question I didn’t catch.

“Sorry what was that?” I ask.

“Am I that beautiful for you to have lost your hearing to my handsome face?” I couldn’t just tell him that that was basically what had happened, it would inflate his ego by too much and reveal everything I’d hidden thus far.

“The heck? No, I was thinking about how great it would be to get some peace and quiet while you’re not around this weekend.” I lie, having Minho around is the only thing that brings me entertainment that isn’t endless sappy kdramas on my laptop, but he can never know that.

Minho scoffs, says something under his breath that I don’t quite catch, then turns back to me. “You love me.” He says with a pout.

“Unfortunately I do.”

That was the first of many inconspicuous confessions.

It was nearing 3 or 4 am and I was about halfway done with another kdrama when several knocks resound through the small living space. Knowing exactly who it is, I only shout back “you know the code!” and moments later the door opens.

I don’t bother to get up and greet Minho, this exact scene has happened too many times for either of us to care at this point, and it doesn’t surprise me that the moment he enters he shouts, “Honey I’m home!” like we’re in some cheesy romcom.

“Mhmm, welcome home, leech.” I enunciate the last word purposely, but I know he won’t bat an eye at the term. I continue to chew my popcorn while he wanders through my cabinets, looking for snacks. “There’s chips in the cabinet next to the fridge and sprite in there too. If you want more food order Chinese takeout.”

“I don’t have my wallet.” I can practically hear his pout from where I sat, eyes unmoving from the TV screen.

“You know where mine is, but you have to pay me back.” A few seconds pass with no response until suddenly he’s next to me and kissing my cheek.

“I loveeee you!” He says too sweetly, retreating back to the mini-kitchen to order takeout.

“Mhmm, I love you too.” I say, not loud enough for him to hear the confidence missing from my tone.

Continuing to watch the episode of in front of me, I remain in my comfortable position, only moving to lift my legs when Minho comes back to sit on the couch under my legs and the blanket.

“Oh you’re watching this one?” He asks, reaching into the bowl of popcorn I offer him.

“Yeah, didn’t have anything else to watch so I put it on since everyone seems to like it so much.”

“Mm,” he hums while also indulging himself into the scenes playing in front of him. “You’re probably team potato guy, right?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course I am!” I scoff.

“I don’t know, I still think she should end up with Jae-eon.”

“Are you crazy? He literally leads her on like every playboy and is ruining her mentality by not defining their relationship.”

“Yeah, but they’re so cute together, and you can totally tell he feels something for her.” He argues.

“Just cause they’re cute together doesn’t mean they’re good for each other, the entire guy is a walking red flag, I don’t understand why she doesn’t just walk away when she’s had experience with a shit boyfriend.” I sigh.

“You, have major second lead syndrome.” He points an accusing finger at me.

“So what? It’s for good reason, the main lead is toxic as fuck and you can’t change my mind.” I upturn my nose, turning back to the TV and continuing to watch the episode.

The mentioning of the second lead sends a flurry of thoughts into my brain for a reason I can’t comprehend. Sometimes the main leads aren’t that bad but still we want the main character to end up with the second lead, maybe out of our own natural selfishness because we prefer the second lead more. I shake the thoughts away, trying to convince myself that kdramas were only works of fiction and too cheesy to be real, yet for whatever reason I always felt a connection with the second leads, like our emotions directed to our crushes were the same, because I knew that I would always be the second lead in Minho’s story.

Minho’s name was always called out more times than mine was growing up, which I didn’t really mind until our hangout time would be seriously cut down because he had to hang out with other friends. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that he had friends, but there was a little bit of selfishness in me that wanted him to myself.

A new drama and a few episodes later, plus Chinese takeout, lead to our eventual demise. We both fall asleep on the couch in less than comfortable positions and wake up with stiff-neck, us groaning at the pain.

We continue on with our usual morning routines, taking turns freshening up in the bathroom before heading out for breakfast at Paws and Pastries since we were both too lazy to make food ourselves. Besides, hot coffee in the morning plus good sandwiches AND cats? What more could you ask for?

When we enter the cat cafe I notice a familiar face behind the cashier, it was the same girl Seungmin was talking to on Friday, and the same girl I caught Minho staring at. We walk up to the cashier, I order my food first, a simple breakfast sandwich with a coffee to go with it and wait next to Minho to finish ordering.

I made the mistake up glancing up at his face as he was telling his order to her, Ahra, her name tag read. There was something in his eyes that glinted that I had never seen before, not when he talked to Han and not when he talked to me. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of emotion in the middle of my chest before forcing myself to look back down, inserting my card and paying for everything. I sent the girl a thank you and a kind smile after she told us our food would be right over, and both me and Minho went over to our usual table in the back corner next to the cat’s jungle gym and right up next to the window. I get lost in my thoughts while we begin playing with the cats we were so accustomed to.

Like most second leads, I knew exactly what my feelings were. I was practically an adult, how could I miss the fast beating of my heart or my clammy hands whenever I was around him? But again, like most second leads, I knew I’d never get a chance with him, not when everything we did together was purely platonic. It was painfully obvious that I’d be stuck with an unrequited love for who knows how long, and I couldn’t just detach myself from him all of a sudden to get over my feelings because a) he’d notice and force me to tell him what was wrong, ultimately leading me to tell him that I had feelings for him, and b) the moment I would come back or see him for even just a second I know I would develop those feelings all over again. Neither of which were choices I was willing to take so I suck it up and see him every day, ignoring everything my heart was telling me.

I look up from the cat that I’m petting in my lap and look at Minho again, only to find him staring at Ahra who was taking people’s orders with a perfect pearly smile. It was in that moment that I knew, I had just found the female lead of Minho’s story.

3 weeks go by in a similar manner. Minho and I see Ahra around campus a few times and with some twisted fate, she’s on the clock every time we go to Paws and Pastries. Minho, being his smooth self, easily gets himself acquainted with her. They laugh and giggle so naturally and can slip into conversation so easily I’m almost envious of Minho and his non-introverted self.

Not being one to try and stop fate, I watch it all happen. Telling Minho to ask her out already and teasing him about how lovesick he gets when he sees her nearby or at the cafe. I know Minho likes her when he blushes or gets defensive whenever I mention her in our conversations even though he’s never explicitly told me himself. I put on a face in front of him whenever these conversations come up, not wanting to get in the way of his happiness.

One day some of our friends want to meet up outside of campus, we make plans to meet up at a bowling alley, ready to have fun until the late evening hours. Seungmin brought Ahra along with him, asking if it was okay to invite her since they were friends. Everyone agrees and we all meet up as planned. When everyone gets there, including Seungmin and Ahra, we introduce ourselves, Minho not having to introduce himself and easily speaking with her like they always did whenever running into each other. All the the boys have raised brows and mischievous smiles as they watch the interaction between the two, but only one looks at me in concern.

A majority of the night passes by with laughter and teasing, how Chan was terrible at bowling this night and Minho easily beating him despite never doing too well on our previous adventures to the bowling alley. I spend the night with the rest of the boys, while Minho and Ahra spend time getting to know each other even more. There’s a point in the evening where I see Minho hold out his phone to Ahra to exchange numbers, I can hear her giggle when they take a selfie together, probably for her profile picture. I have to turn my head away quickly to ignore the cracking of my own heart when Minho puts his arm on the couch behind Ahra, he does it so naturally, yet he’s never done it with me. I will my thoughts to focus on the game and not on Minho, not noticing the same pair of concerned eyes until they speak up.

“Are you alright?” Hyunjin asks.

“Hm? Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” My voice cracks halfway through and I try to hide my sad eyes, even though I was fully aware that Hyunjin had probably noticed that something was up.

“‘Cause you seem pretty affected by that scene over there.” He motions to Minho and Ahra with a nod of his head.

“It’s nothing, Hyun, just nice seeing Minho talking to more people.”

“Y/n, you know he talks to people all the time, and you’re not nearly as affected then as you are now.”

“Hyunjin, really, it’s fine.” I try to convince him but he says something that lets me know that he knows.

“You like Minho.”

“What? No that’s absurd I-“ He looks at me pointedly, and I sigh in defeat. “Yeah, okay, you got me.”

“Why don’t you say anything? Clearly it hurts you to see him like that.” He refers to Minho getting cozy with her.

“Hyunjin, it’s clear that everything we have is platonic, he even called me his sister several times. And who am I to get in the way of him getting into a relationship? That’s not my place to say anything, especially when his last girlfriend was 2 years ago.”

“I get that, but shouldn’t he at least deserve to know? He says that he knows everything about you, but there’s one thing that he doesn't. You know practically everything about him, isn’t it a little unfair?”

“We have choices as to what we share with each other and what we don’t, it’s his choice to tell me what he wants to and my choice to tell him what I want to tell him. Besides, he hasn’t even told me that he has a crush on Ahra yet.”

“So maybe he doesn’t then.”

“Hyunjin, just look at him, he’s a puppy in love.” I glance back over to Minho and Ahra sitting parallel to us. Minho is smiling brightly, more brightly than I had seen in a while and I can’t help but let my lips upturn at the corners just slightly in another sad smile.

Hyunjin sighs next to me, and I look back to him. “I’m sorry y/n, I really wish he would end up with you instead of her, it doesn’t seem fair to you.”

“Hey, don’t say that, Ahra seems like a nice girl, she and Minho will get along great. And nothing in life is fair Hyunjin, that’s just something you come to accept.” I say, getting up. “I’m gonna get some drinks, does anyone want anything?” I ask everyone.

“Cola!” “Me too!” “Me three!” “A lemonade please.” A few of the boys shout back.

“Anything for you guys?” I turn to Minho and Ahra. They both shake their heads. “Okay then, I’ll be back in a minute guys.” I smile at the group before going to get the drinks.

While walking away from the group I let a teardrop fall from my eye, wiping it away just before I order.

Life’s unfair, that’s just something I have to accept.

A week goes by and Minho’s talking about how he and Ahra message often, how he thinks they get along well and he’s gonna ask her out.

Another week goes by and they’ve gone on their first date, he takes her to the beach and they have a picnic.

Two weeks after that they’ve gone on several dates and are officially boyfriend and girlfriend, I don’t even find out separately at this point, I find out with the rest of the group over dinner.

A few days after that Minho calls off one of our late night binge watching sessions, texting me an apology and that Ahra needs him. I tell him it’s okay and to send my regards to her.

It’s a week and half after and Minho regularly calls off our meetups at the cafe after school or at one another’s dorms to tend to Ahra. I tell him it’s fine each time and to not feel bad. He did the same today, and I sit alone at our usual table, mindlessly petting a cat in my lap while zoning out into in my mug of coffee.

All while this happens, I watch, and I let it happen. I don’t fight for him because it didn’t feel right, sometimes second leads let their love fall for someone else, and that’s all it felt like I could do.

Fighting for Minho felt selfish, especially when I knew I had no chance and he’d already fallen for Ahra. I couldn’t suddenly come out of the blue and tell him “hey, I have feelings for you,” when he’s already dating Ahra, I’d look like a major asshole if I did. All I could do was watch and see how we begun to drift farther and farther apart.

With Minho being absent more often, I don’t get to tell him much. Like the internship offer I got to continue pursuing graphic design in Itaewon. I got the email almost a week ago, and I had two more weeks to decide if I was going to take the offer. With nobody to consult about it with I continue to push it to the back of my mind, not wanting to deal with more stress just yet.

Just as I’m taking another sip of my coffee a familiar head of long blonde hair enters the cafe. My head tilts to the side in confusion as he scans the room for someone when he meets eyes with me, he makes his way over and sits in the seat in front of me and doesn’t say anything.

“You’re rarely on this side of town, why are you here?” I ask Hyunjin first.

“I heard something from Ms. Kim in our art class and needed to know if it was true.” He says seriously.

“What…” I feel like I know what he’s going to say, but I ask anyways. “What did you hear?”

“That you were offered an internship in Itaewon.”

“Hyunjin I-“

“Is it really true? She said you had two more weeks to decide, how come you haven’t told anybody? Does Minho know? Are you gonna leave? What about-” He begins to spurt out question after question and it’s almost too much for me to handle.

“Hyunjin!” I raise my voice just slightly to get him to stop but I have to turn it down again when the volume of my voice makes a few of the other customers’ heads turn. “Calm down, yes it’s true, yes I have two more weeks to decide if I’m going or not, I didn’t know how I would tell any of you, no, Minho doesn’t know and I don’t plan on telling him.”

“Are you… Are you gonna take the offer?” He asks slowly.

I prop my elbows onto the table as the cat leaves my lap and my head drops into my hands as I sigh in exasperation. “I don’t know.” Tears are gathering in my eyes as I think about it.

“Y/n, have you thought about the offer at all?”

“Yes and no.” I don’t need to lift my head to sense Hyunjin’s confusion. “It’s hard to think about it when you’re watching your crush of 2 years date someone else while you’re also trying to finish up your senior year. But it’s also all I can think about when I’m alone, which I find myself a lot, thinking about having to find a place to live in Itaewon and transfer and mentally prepare to leave you all here, but if I don’t take it then it’ll be even harder to find an offer like this. It’s all I can think about and also something that I can’t bring myself to think about, Hyunjin.” I lift my head and my teary eyes meet his own.

“Y/n…” His voice breaks saying my name.

“I think I’m going to take it.” I pause. “Once I finish all of my final assignments the only thing I have left to really worry about is graduating and finding a job, and I don’t think I can take watching Minho and Ahra anymore Hyun, I don’t think I can stomach it. I’m happy for them, I truly am, but it’s also affecting me and I don’t think I should ignore that anymore. If I’m in Itaewon I have a job and I won’t have to worry about feelings anymore, two birds with one stone.”

I see the hesitancy in Hyunjin’s facial expressions before he speaks. “If that’s what you think you should do, then I’ll support you all the way. But shouldn’t you tell Minho about this?”

“I’m not, because if I do, Minho is gonna find some way to get me to stay and I’ll crumble and stay because he affects me the most.” Hyunjin merely nods in response. “Hyunjin, you are the only one that can know about this, okay? I can’t have everyone else know this, especially Minho, okay?”

Hesitation again, and then, “Okay.”

Hyunjin keeps his promise, he keeps the secret of me leaving from everyone. Even as graduation inches closer and our group begins to talk more about job searching, what comes next, and similar topics, the two of us keep it a secret. Whenever they asked me what I was thinking of doing next I always just told them “oh probably looking for internships nearby,” and no more questions are asked.

Minho and Ahra were still very much in love, even more than before, if the growing absence of Minho’s presence was anything to go by. I barely saw Minho anymore, maybe catching him at the end of the hall every once in awhile, but he was always walking with Ahra so all I could say was “hello” and “goodbye.”

Each goodbye begun to hold more and more weight as the days passed. Even the short ones I would tell Minho after passing him in the halls. I couldn’t even conjure how I would tell everyone, maybe send a letter to each of their places? A text message? Tell them after the graduation ceremony just before I left for the train station? I thought about how I would say goodbye as I begun to pack up my dorm. Graduation was nearing, I had already turned in all of my final assignments, and all there was left was to pack. I would leave after the ceremony ended, sometime in the afternoon. I wouldn’t even get the chance to properly celebrate being graduates with my friends because I was leaving in the afternoon. I’d get situated in my new apartment in Itaewon and get accustomed to new life outside of Gimpo.

The thought of leaving panged my heart harshly, I had never left Gimpo permanently before. Sure, I had gone on trips to the US and Singapore and Seoul before, but I had never moved from Gimpo. I was born and raised in Gimpo, met Minho and all of our friends here, so the thought of moving for the first time did something to my heart. I attended all of our group hangouts with a nostalgic mindset, remembering the first time we all met, when we all got wasted one time on a Friday night after some big exam week. I look around our table of friends and think about how much I’ll miss all of this when I leave for Itaewon.

Another thing that panged my heart, Minho and I distancing. I knew it was coming, Minho and I didn’t text or talk about hanging out anymore. He walked Ahra to her classes now, and had dates with her after class instead of meeting me at our cafe. Eventually I stopped getting apology messages, and stopped expecting him at the cafe anymore. I couldn’t blame him, Ahra was his girlfriend and I accepted that long ago. Instead I just played the supportive friend on the sidelines, and I’d continue to play that role for as long as I had to.

It came to be the night before we graduated, and all of us minus Minho and Ahra were sat around a table in one of the restaurants we frequented, it wasn’t too late in the evening, and we all just sat in silence after finishing our food with bottles and glasses of soju now sitting in front of us. A majority of our meal was full of reminiscing, talking about memories that crack everyone up and left smiles on our faces.

“So, we really graduate tomorrow, huh?” Changbin says when the table quiets down.

“Yeah, I guess we do.” Chan says quietly.

My eyes tear up and I begin to sniff without control, the weight of my department tomorrow weighing heavily on my shoulders. Hyunjin puts an arm around my shoulders and gives me a tissue, whispering “it’s okay, it’s okay” to me while I try to calm down.

Everyone looks at me in confusion before Chan speaks first. “Y/n are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just…” I trail off, not sure what to say.

“Do you want to tell them?” Hyunjin asks softly.

“Tell us what?” Seungmin says this time.

Hyunjin looks to me first before nodding, and I begin to spill my secret. “I got an internship offer.”

The table erupts in cheers and I get congratulations thrown back at me before I can even continue.

“But…” Immediately everyone silences and looks to me in expectation. “It’s in Itaewon.”

There’s a tense air that falls around us. “What?” Felix says in disbelief.

“You’re not leaving us, right Noona?” Jeongin asks from another part of the table.

I look to Jeongin with sad eyes, smiling sadly. “I leave tomorrow, after our graduation ceremony.” There’s some gasps around the table.

“What?! Y/n, why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Changbin blows up and Chan has to place a hand on his shoulder to restrain him.

“I didn’t want every time we met leading up to graduation to feel like a goodbye, Bin, I couldn’t handle that. So I kept it from you all so there wasn’t this tension every time we met.” I explained.

“Does Minho know?” Seungmin asks this time, and I shake my head.

“Y/n…” Han says worriedly.

“Guys, I know I’m not the only one that’s noticed that me and Minho aren’t that close anymore, so I haven’t really gotten the chance to tell him. But I told Hyunjin this a long time ago, that I wouldn’t tell Minho specifically, because there’s some things that I need to figure out and if I told him he’d find some way to keep me from going, or even worse, follow me. At least with Ahra by his side he won’t follow me to Itaewon.” There’s nods all around the table, understanding where I’m coming from.

“We’re gonna miss you a lot.” Felix sniffs and I coo, getting up from my seat to wrap my arms around him from behind.

“I’m gonna miss you all too.” I sniff with him, a few tears escaping my eyes.

Chan comes to join our hug, then Han, then Jeongin, and soon enough everyone has joined the group hug with me in the middle. All of us are crying, and I had never felt more loved than that moment.

Eventually we break away from the hug and return to our seats, everyone dabbing at their eyes with tissues and sniffing.

“Let’s all stop crying, tonight is a night to celebrate, all of us graduate tomorrow, and our dear Y/n got an internship offer in a big city!” Han holds up a drink and we all do the same, cheering and clinking our glasses together and celebrating the night away.

The next morning I get ready for graduation early, putting on my makeup and doing my hair, and sending a message.

to: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

hey, can you meet me at p&p in thirty?

My heart picks up the pace as I send the message, I didn’t expect him to answer so quickly yet his message pings my phone within 2 minutes.

from: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

sure, i can be there

to: [cat dad who’s a leech :D]

sweet, i’ll see you there

I turn my phone off and take a deep breath, we still had a few hours before we had to be at the school for our graduation ceremony, I’d have to leave just a few minutes after the ceremony ended which wouldn’t give me enough time to tell Minho, so, I made the painful decision the night before to tell him in the morning. I’d do it in our favorite spot in the corner of our favorite cat cafe, tell him the news slowly and hope that he takes it well.

I leave my house and 15 minutes later I’m in our usual booth, my coffee order sitting in front of me and the cats all wandering around as there weren’t too many people since it was relatively early in the morning. I already bought Minho his typical Iced Americano and it sat in front of me, awaiting it’s owner.

10 minutes later Minho arrives and makes his way to the table, sitting in front of me, smiling, unknowing of what’s about to happen.

“Hey.” I smile at him.

“Hey you.” He smiles back brightly. “Sorry I couldn’t see you guys last night, I took Ahra out for dinner last night on a date.”

“It’s completely alright, how are you guys?”

“Pretty good, things are going okay right now.” He answers.

“That’s good.” Nervously I take a sip of my macchiato in front of me, my leg bouncing in anxiety.

“Y/n? Is everything alright? Your leg’s bouncing pretty fast right now.” Curse Minho and the fact that he knows so much about me, he reaches out for my wrist and checks my pulse, quickly noticing how fast it’s beating as his brows furrow in confusion.

“Minho, there’s something I need to tell you.” I say, retracting my wrist from his grip. He doesn’t answer me but instead tilts his head like a cat does when it looks at its owner questionably. “I’m leaving.”

“What?” He asks.

How could one look so endearing, head tilted and eyes full of emotion as I break the news to him? I ask myself. “I got an internship offer for a company in Itaewon, I accepted it and I’m leaving for Itaewon, today.”

“You’re leaving today?” He says in disbelief, sounding out of breath.

I nod and continue. “After the graduation today I have to catch my bus. I didn’t have any other time to tell you so I had to tell you now.”

“You’re… You’re just telling me now? Do the others know about this?”

“I only told them last night.”

“You couldn’t have thought of telling me sooner?” He starts to get angry.

“Minho I-“

“What happened to telling me everything, huh? What happened to when we used to know everything about each other?”

“Minho, those days are long behind us, you have bigger priorities now, like putting your focus on your girlfriend, Minho. I couldn’t tell you because I knew you’d do something rash, and I didn’t even tell the others until last night because I knew every time we’d see each other it would be like preparing for the day I leave. You and Ahra have something so great going on for the two of you right now and telling you that I was leaving would take you away from that, and I can’t do that to you or her. Ahra is an amazing girl, and you have her now.”

“Will you at least visit?” His eyes are full of tears, some of the first I’ve seen in years and I hate that I’m the cause of it.

“I don’t know yet, there’s some things I need to figure out myself first, before I can visit. But at some point maybe I will, when I’ve figured things out I’ll try visiting from time to time.” I offer him a sad smile.

After a few moments of silence I get up from my seat.

“We still have a graduation left, Min, I’ll still see you then.” I ruffle his hair and walk out of the cafe, no more secrets but one weighing down on my chest.

The Graduation ceremony passes by in a blur. One moment we were listening to the speeches of each of the professors and the next we were tossing our caps into the air, cheering as we became alumni of our university.

Our friend group met up in the front of the school, taking pictures with our parents and congratulating each other. Eventually, the time comes and I have to go.

Our group stands in a circle, unmoving, as we all look at each other.

“I’m gonna miss all of you so much.” I say in tears as my voice breaks.

“We’re gonna miss you too, Y/n.” Hyunjin says. At his words everyone gathers into a group hug full of tears and the weight of a goodbye on our shoulders.

“You better promise to visit us, okay?” Felix holds me by the shoulders and makes a point to look me in the eye. Not trusting my voice, I nod and he brings me into one more hug.

I hug each of them individually, saying a few words, before I reach the last person.

I hug Minho and look into his eyes for the last time for a while.

“I’ll miss you.” He whispers.

“Me too.” And that’s all I can say.

I leave the campus for the last time, hopping in my car to head to the station and start anew.

Second leads always leave in the end, they leave and let the two main leads have a happy ending. That’s what it felt like I was doing, and I couldn’t tell if I was content with my choice or not.

Two and a half months in Itaewon passes quickly.

The move into my new apartment was smooth, and it was odd to be in a bigger space than a small dorm room. It felt like I had more space than I knew what to do with.

My internship was moving along smoothly as well, everyone I had met so far were really kind and taught me a lot. I was worried about feeling out of place but I had met a few other girls not much older than me who helped me feel at home.

Being alone in a big city was unnerving, but what made it so much more comfortable was the addition of a cat that my parents had bought me as my graduation gift. She was a chartreux cat who I named Luna because I had always dreamed of naming my first cat that. My parents covered most of the costs of basic things like cat toys, a scratch post, her bed, and similar things. I thanked my parents endlessly when they came over to my apartment a week after I had moved in and gave me Luna. I wasn’t gone for too long during the day and always left food for her, she was great company when I came home and worked on projects late into the evening, curling up into my lap like the cats at the old cafe used to. She was my best friend in a city I was still getting accustomed to.

I hadn’t talked to the guys much, I’d talked with them a few times in the group chat about how their job searches were going and trips they were planning to take soon. It was nice talking with them every so often but all of us were still pretty busy moving onto the next chapter of our lives.

I hadn’t talked to Minho since I left, I’d assumed that he and Ahra were doing well, but that’s all that was, assumption. None of the boys talked about him and I couldn’t understand why, but I never asked since I was supposed to be moving on from my feelings in the first place. I thought I had been doing pretty well until something would come up that reminded me of him, like his favorite song would play in the cafe I bought my morning coffee in and spent my breaks at, or snapchat would send me “Today, 1 year ago” memories of him and me fooling around at Paws and Pastries. Whenever that would happen I’d be sent back to square one, and it felt like I’d never move on from Minho.

I was on my way out to grab a coffee and spend my off day walking around, maybe looking into a few shops when I got a call from Hyunjin.

“Y/n! My favorite girl, how are you?”

“Hyunjin? What’s with the call?”

“What? Can I not call my friends from time to time?”

“Not when you’re notorious for calling your ‘friends’ after you’ve done something wrong.” I sigh.

“That was one time! Besides, it wasn’t that bad.”

“You dragged Jeongin to a party! And got him wasted!”

“One. Time. Y/n. It was one time.”

“One time is enough for you to be in trouble for life, Hyun.”

“Okay, whatever, but I was meaning to ask you, what’re your plans for today?”

“Me? I was just planning to go out, today’s my day off so I was gonna visit this one cafe and see some shops, why?”

“No reason, what time do you think you’ll be home?”

“Maybe five?”

“Great, okay, I have to go now, Han’s calling me, bye!” Hyunjin hangs up before I can ask him what’s with the weird questions.

“Hyunjin- Oh great he hung up.” I put my phone in my pocket before looking down at Luna who’s stretching near my legs. “Your uncle Hyunjin is quite the odd one, isn’t he Luna, hm?” I ask her and she meows back in response. “Weird indeed, but that’s just how he is. Mommy’s gonna spend her day out and then she’ll come home and we can watch the TV together, okay? I’ll be home soon.” I pick up Luna and set her on her little bed before ensuring everything is safe and make my way out the door.

I spend the day eating at a large cat cafe that actually had an assortment of books with little reading areas while the cats roamed around everywhere. It was much bigger than the cafe in Gimpo, but I would always correlate that one with home.

After I spent a bit of time reading there I went out and explored the shops for a few hours, bought some new jeans and a few blouses plus some makeup things. I got Subway for lunch and explored just a little bit more before heading home. Instead of going straight home, I decided to take the long way, going through the streets not minding the extra weight the few shopping bags I was holding in my hands gave me. The sun was just barely beginning to set as I walked into my apartment complex, getting into the elevator and pressing the button for my floor.

I walk down the hallway to my door and am surprised when a familiar figure greets me there.

“Minho?” I say as I walk closer.

“Y/n!” He says happily, bringing me into a hug.

“What are you doing here? Actually- Wait- Don’t answer that, do you wanna come inside?” I ask him.

“Sure.” He responds.

I unlock the door and bring my bags in, setting them by the door. “Luna! Mommy’s home!” I call out automatically.

Luna meows and comes out of the bedroom, walking her way up to me before I pick her up.

“You got a cat?” Minho asks.

“Yeah, parents brought her to me about a week after I moved in.” I put Luna back down and she moves to sit on the arm of the couch, her favorite spot to sit when the sun goes down.

“And you named her Luna,” He smiles fondly. “You always wanted to name your cat Luna.”

“I’m surprised you remember that.” I chuckle. “Do you want some coffee?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll get that brewing, just give me a few minutes, you can take a seat on the couch and make yourself at home!” I tell him as I quickly retreat to the kitchen.

I have to take a few breaths when I’m far away enough from Minho, my heart beating just as fast as it would when I was around him back then. It was clear I hadn’t moved on at all.

I brew the coffee as promised and wait next to the coffee machine with two mugs ready. A voice chimes in behind me.

“Your place is much bigger than the dorms.” He chuckles.

“Tell me about it, it was so weird buying more furniture than I was used to.” I laugh with him.

The machine finishes brewing the coffee and I pour it into the two mugs, putting it on a tray with creamer and sugar before bringing it all to the coffee table in front of the couch.

Minho and I take seats on the couch, separated by a bit of space between us while we sip on our respective mugs.

“So,” I start the conversation. “How’s home?”

“Not too bad, same old same old, the guys being annoying as usual, you know?” He says.

“Sounds fun.” I chuckle. “And work, have you found anything yet?”

“Not yet, I’ve got a few applications out, but I’m still waiting on some answers.”

“I’m sure you’ll get them soon.” I respond.

An uncomfortable silence sets over the both of us, and I run my free hand through Luna’s fur who’s situated herself in my lap this time. I take a long sip of my coffee before asking another question.

“How’s… How are you and Ahra?”

“Oh…” He trails off. “We broke up a few weeks ago.”

“I’m sorry to hear that…” I had no idea that he and Ahra had broken up, in fact that was the completely opposite of what I thought had happened since they seemed to work together so well.

“Yeah, it was a mutual thing. We didn’t really feel that kind of connection anymore, you know? So we just, broke it off.”

“Are you okay?” I ask Minho.

“Me? Yeah, I’m actually not as affected as I thought I’d be, I don’t know if that makes me a cruel person or not but I was only sad for the first week or two. Nothing too bad.”

“I see.” Another silence settles between us. This one is longer, more tense, there was something Minho wanted to ask but he wasn’t sure, and I couldn’t depict what question he was going to ask.

“Actually, I came her for a reason.” He says.

“And what reason is that?” I ask hesitantly.

“For answers.” My brows furrow, answers for what? “There’s something Hyunjin told me recently and it got me thinking, and I wanted to hear it from you if it was true.”

I finish my coffee and place it down delicately on the coffee table, trying not to show how nervous I was with how badly my hands were shaking. “I’ll see if I have answers for you then.”

“When you told me you were leaving, you said you had some, things, to figure out on your own. What was it that you had to figure out?”

I take a moment to decide exactly how I was going to answer his question. Did I want to expose my feelings to him just yet? “Just, feelings.” I say vaguely.

“For?”

“Just feelings for somebody.”

“Is it Hyunjin?”

“No.”

“Chan?”

“Nope.”

“Changbin?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Me?”

I pause for just a half second, and apparently that was all Minho needed. “I guess Hyunjin’s big mouth was right after all.”

“Wait- What? What are you talking about?”

Minho takes a long sip of his coffee before finishing letting out a sigh after swallowing, he slowly sets the mug on the table before making direct eye contact with me and silently killing me with the suspense. “Minho please just say something you’re killing me here.”

He only chuckles in response. “Hyunjin told me not too long ago that you took up the offer to work here because you were going to sort out your feelings, for me.” He says sweetly as I suck in a breath at his last words.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Minho-“

“Now now, Y/n, we shouldn’t hide things from each other anymore, should we?” His sweet, sultry voice was affecting me greatly as he leaned closer to me on the couch. I gulp and silently curse when Luna, the only thing keeping me sane, leaves the comfort of my lap for her scratch-post.

“Minho…” I let out quietly.

“Tell me, Kitten, is it true?” He asks once again.

“I-“ My voice catches in my throat when Minho leans in ever nearer, still making direct eye-contact with me. “Yes, it is.” I sigh out and Minho backs away.

“He was right.” Minho whispers while my gaze drops to my hands that I fiddle with in my lap at the secret that’s let out. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“Why are you sorry darling?” He asks softly and uses his thumb and forefinger to tilt my head up by my chin.

“I couldn’t tell you because I knew you didn’t feel the same, and then when you got together with Ahra we drifted apart because it hurt me to see you with her. Then I left and told you about me leaving so last minute. I made you cry, Minho, and I hate that I did. But I couldn’t see any other way out of it. I hurt you because I was cowardly and didn’t want to be selfish by telling you and having your attention move off of Ahra, when I was really being selfish by not telling you and hurting you in the end.” More tears escape my eyes as we look at each other.

“Princess, no…” He cups my face with his hands and uses his thumbs to wipe away my tears. “I’ll admit, it did hurt when you told me that you were leaving the day of, but I understood where you were coming from. Because you were right, I would have done something crazy to keep you by my side. Do you know why?” He asks, and I shake my head, still crying. “Because I need you by my side, kitten, even when I was dating Ahra I felt off but just didn’t pay any mind to it because I had her. But now I know it’s because you and I were drifting apart, I found out when after you left and me and Ahra broke up because I felt empty. I couldn’t text you to just come over anymore because you’re farther away from me now. I lied earlier, I said that I sent out some applications for jobs but didn’t get any answers yet, right?” I nod. “I got offered a job as a software engineer, here, in Itaewon, and I said yes.”

“Why?” I whisper.

“Because I want to be near you, I need to be by your side Y/n, because I love you.” I let out a sob at his confession and he coos, bringing me to rest my head on his chest and rubbing his hands on my back and running them through my hair.

“I love you too.” I say after a few minutes.

Minho brings me out of his hold, and cups my face again. For the first time, he kisses me. His lips brush over mine before deepening the kiss, taking full charge of it yet somehow still being soft with me. His kisses were nothing short of addicting, and I knew I’d be in love with him for a long time.

In that moment, kissing the man of my dreams, I remember that it may be rare that a second lead gets their own happy ending, but it’s not unheard of. Sometimes the main lead and second lead do end up with their own happily ever after.

Notes from the author: I have FINALLY posted something y’all 😂 took a few months but she’s here, and she’s dishing out something at least. I don’t know how often I’ll be posting again, esp with school and whatnot, but I do know I need to drain out my drafts because phew, it’s getting a little full in there.

But anyways, I hope you enjoyed this fic! I’m pretty sure it’s one of the longest I’ve written if not the longest. Hopefully it wasn’t too bad, I’m probably a little rusty but we can fix that (i think)

if you want more I still have my old stuff up on my masterlist on my account! hope to see you around :))

-nyx

#skz ff #skz fluff #skz fanfic #skz fanfiction #stray kids fanfiction #minho fluff #skz minho fluff #skz angst #yOU KNOW I KNOW LEE KNOW #skz lee know #lee know #lee know x y/n #tags are annoying sigh #lee minho fanfiction #stray kids scenarios #stray kids fic #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst

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bemusedlybespectacled · 2 years

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okay, you absolutely don't have to answer this if you wouldn't like to, but i am very curious about the funny story about your best friend's suicide???

OKAY THIS IS THE STORY

so just for the record this was @aquietrevolutionary who I actually do still follow even though she died in 2017 but ANYWAY OKAY THIS IS UNDER A CUT BECAUSE IT'S VERY LONG

also, like, content warning for death/suicide/mental health stuff. obviously.

so, just for background information: I was roommates with her for almost our entire college experience so I knew her and her parents really well. her mom was very friendly but also an evangelical Christian who thought fantasy fiction was witchcraft, and her dad was also nice but an atheist libertarian who was extremely pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps. unsurprisingly, they were divorced.

I definitely played up the Extremely Modest And Conservatively Religious vibe I tend to give off due to my fashion choices and hairstyle when I was around them, so they also really liked me. this + the fact that I was her best friend meant that, at one point, she made me her emergency contact and gave me her parents' telephone numbers in case something happened to her.

[narrator voice] this was foreshadowing.

after we graduated, several things happened to tank her mental health that are too long to get into, but basically, she'd already been hospitalized once because she had an extremely active plan (as in "had bought a gun and was sending out goodbye texts"). so her having shit mental health was a known thing, but she'd been talked off the ledge at least once before. so when I heard from a friend of hers that she hadn't posted to tumblr in days and had skipped a planned D&D session, I called in a welfare check on the non-emergency line in her city.

that was a Saturday night. I didn't hear anything from the cops all Sunday. Sunday evening I called them back to be like, "Um yes excuse me could you let me know if my friend is alive????" and the cop who was on the phone with me was like "oh yeah, she's dead. do you have any contacts for her next of kin?"

oh boy DID I. but I had them in the notes app of my phone, and I couldn't find it & stay on the call at the same time, so I asked to call them back in five minutes while I found the numbers. when I called back in five minutes, the same cop said, exact words: "oh, we don't need that information anymore, someone's already been notified."

oh cool! they must have found her dad's contact info and already called him! (narrator voice: this is also foreshadowing) so I call him and leave a voicemail along the lines of, "Hi, Mr. Revolutionary, this is BB, Quiet's roommate, I'm so sorry about what happened." I get a call an hour later from him being like "hi BB uh can you tell me what in the hell you're talking about," because he'd literally just gotten off a plane from a vacation in Hawaii and the first voicemail he listened to when he got off the plane was an incredibly ominous voicemail from me.

SPOILER ALERT: HE HAD NOT BEEN CONTACTED. I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO TELL HIM SHE DIED.

I still do not know who the fuck the cops contacted, unless they meant that they'd contacted me, which 1) they hadn't contacted me, I called them, and 2) I'd literally only been off the phone with them for five minutes. I know it wasn't her job, her dad, her mom, her sister, or anyone else in her immediate circle. so like, all I can think of is that the cop got off the phone with me, ticked some little box that said "emergency contact notified" somewhere, and then immediately forgot the entire conversation he'd had with me five minutes prior.

so now – because I'm the one person that everyone who knew her also knew and I'm also the person who called in the welfare check and hey, I've already done it once! – I'M NOW THE DESIGNATED DEATH ANNOUNCER. so I'm the one who got called up by her job to ask where she was, and also the person who had to break the news to all our mutual friends, and also the one who sent in her death notice to our alma mater, and for NINE MONTHS AFTERWARDS I was STILL getting Facebook messages from people like, "Oh, wow, I didn't realize she was dead! let's talk about her for an hour, stranger!" because that's my job now, I guess.

BUT IT GETS WORSE

I took the weekend to go to her funeral, and like. I was in law school. I didn't have a lot of funeral-appropriate attire. so I was wearing my one black sort of business dress that's really thick and hot, and the funeral was in Virginia in September so it was basically summer, and I had to wear it to the airport because I wouldn't have time to change before the funeral. so I show up at her mom's house for the funeral pre-game dressed like, you know, someone who's going to a funeral, and everyone else is in, like. tie-dyed T-shirts and jeans. somehow, I managed to be overdressed AT A FUCKING FUNERAL.

BUT NO. IT GETS WORSE.

for the next...... hour? or so? I had a VERY awkward conversation with her mother on her porch about why she thought her daughter had killed herself. her personal theory was that she'd [sinful thing redacted out of respect for her mom asking me not to repeat it] and felt so guilty about it that she had to kill herself. (she had not-completely-speculative reasons for this theory but it was incredibly unlikely if you knew my roommate well at all)

and I'm sitting there sweating my ass off like "how the fuck do I tell this woman that not only do I know all the gory details of her daughter's life and can guarantee that what she thinks happened did not happen but also that I'm 99% sure the reason she killed herself is because she felt like she'd never experience sex or romantic love because honestly sometimes she was a little bit of an incel and yet also somehow maintain the illusion that I am an innocent neophyte who thinks bare knees are sinful and would never discuss such a thing???"

anyway I and her family and our friends all went to the funeral (which I found incredibly ironic because she was an adamant atheist and yet they kept saying she was "in the arms of Jesus"), and then my friends and I went out for Chinese food, and then we went back to our respective accommodations.

now, again, going to the funeral was an emergency situation. I wasn't exactly booking a vacation here. so I'd booked a $50/night motel room nearish the airport because it was cheap and available.

this was a mistake.

at like 4 AM, there's someone fucking banging on my door. it was a lady who was very clearly intoxicated (unsure if she was drunk or high or both but she was NOT aware), and apparently she thought that my motel room was someone else's, because she's like, "LET ME IN, BABY! BABY, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! BABY, I'M SORRY! LET ME IN!"

so like. okay. I've just spent the past week being Death's Telephone Operator while also going to my 3L classes and clinic and trying to write a eulogy for someone who doesn't actually feel dead to me yet. I showed up to this funeral dressed like Morticia Adams at a business conference when apparently the dress code was T-shirts and jeans and no one told me. I had the incredibly awkward experience of trying to not reveal every intimate detail of my dead friend's life to her fucking mother while also trying to give her support and closure. and now some drunk lady is trying to break into my motel room to find her boyfriend or some shit.

anyway that's how I ended up at a Waffle House at 7 AM, because my life was a complete shambles at the moment but Waffle Houses are a constant and I hadn't been to one since starting law school and GOD IF I'M ALLOWED TO ENJOY ONE THING THIS WEEKEND IT'S GOING TO BE FUCKING WAFFLE HOUSE.

#personal #aquietrevolutionary #ask me shit #askbox #i promise it's funnier when i tell it in person because i have a very expressive face and voice

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inomios · 4 years

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Eight types of love II Levi Ackerman

Summary: “There are eight types of love, and even though his life has been full of pain since the very beginning, he could say he experienced them all.”

Genre: Angst and Fluff

Word count: + 5k

Author note: This is the first thing I’ve ever published and I’m really nervous, so I would really appreciate if you reblogged, liked and commented. Also, English is not my first language, so I’m sorry for any mistakes. Constructive criticism is really appreciated.

. . . .

1. AGAPE or Selfless love

His mother would tell him everyday that she loved him with everything she had, even though it was not a lot. He asked his mother what love was, what meant loving someone. She couldn’t explain it with exact words, she would tell him that love meant caring deeply for someone, even more than for yourself. She loved him and he loved her, that much was true. He asked if he could love more than one person, his mom told him that yes, you could love many people in your life and in different ways. Then, he proceeded to ask if she had ever loved anyone else besides him, she was quiet, like she was thinking the right answer and after a few minutes she said that she had or at least she thought she did, but she had never loved someone as much as she loved him. Love was a confusing thing for him and the more he asked, the more unclear it got.

The only thing he was sure of was that the only thing she loved was her mother. However, curious as he was, he would ask her questions about it all the time.

‘Is love the best thing in the world?’

‘Yes, Levi, it is the only thing that makes life worth it.’

‘Is love always good?’

‘Not always, sometimes it makes you sad.’

‘I don’t wanna be sad. I won’t love anyone else but you.’

‘You can’t choose who you love, sweetie.’

‘Love sucks.’

‘You will get it when you grow up.’

‘I’m already a grown-up.’

He tried to get it, but he couldn’t. He prided himself of being smart, his mom would always tell him that he was really clever and witty for his age. Then, how come he wasn’t able to understand love. It was just a four-letter word: L-O-V-E, it couldn’t have such a deep meaning. ‘Door’ had also four letters and it wasn’t hard to understand and ‘Scandalous’, pretty much the biggest word for him, had ten letters and he knew what it meant, he could even use it in a phrase.

His mom, noticing that he was about to collapse trying to figure out what has love, tried to come up with the best possible definition, one that would please his five-year old son.

‘Love is a selfless thing. Love means giving everything you have, to make the other person happy and content, even though you may not get back all you give. When you love someone, you only what the best for them. It can cause you pain too but loving someone and being loved back is one of the best things we can experience as humans. We may not have a lot, Levi, but we have each other and more important, we love one another and that makes us privileged.’

He understood it then, kind of, so the questions stopped.

However, when his mother’s body laid lifeless in bed, he regretted not making one last question: ‘if you died, do you think anyone would ever love me, mom?’

Later, when he was under Kenny’s wing and after Kenny had left him at his own, he soon found an answer: no one would.

2. PHILIA or Affectionate love

After his mother’s death, after Kenny, after everything, he thought that love was out of his reach, something he could never have again. Then Isabel and Farlan happened.

Every single day since his mother died, he would ask himself if he would love again and if someone would love him back. However, at the same time, he wanted to know nothing about love, love brought pain and he had already suffered enough for a lifetime. He sometimes thought that he had an emptiness inside, a big hole where his heart should be, a room so big that no one could ever fill.

After his mom came Kenny, but he was sure he did not love him, at least not like he had loved his mother, and he was sure as hell Kenny did not love him back. Love was supposed to be selfless and caring and Kenny was selfish and did not give a damn about him, he proved him that when he left him alone, again.

Loneliness was a feeling he was already used to but being used to it didn’t mean he liked it. Then again, who would be dumb enough to love him? And he knew better than to love someone who would end up leaving him, like his mother did, like Kenny did.

Well, maybe he did love Kenny, but loving him was painful. While loving his mother was sweet, freeing and it brought him solace and comfort; loving Kenny was toxic and tough, when he thought about it, it troubled him. He gave him a home and he taught him how to survive in the Underground, he didn’t know why, but he raised him, and Kenny never did something freely, he was sure something was missing there, but he didn’t know what. It was stupid of him to think that he cared about him, but a little white lie never hurt anyone. Loving Kenny, seeing him as the paternal figure he never had, filled him with turmoil and changed the way he perceived love.

Love was weakness, it could bring you to your knees, he had learned that. It was pointless, why would you commit to something that would inevitably bring you sorrow? He wasn’t about to make the same mistake again, he knew better, the only person who would stay with him was himself and that wasn’t about to change.

Then Isabel and Farlan walked into his life. Well, Farlan walked, Isabel stumbled.

They became family. He knew better but he couldn’t help it. They were thick as thieves, literally. Suddenly, they became the family he yearned for since his mother died. He loved them with everything he had. Loving them was selfless as his mother said, he wanted the best for them, he wanted to see them happy, no matter the price. However, it was a different kind of love, it was pure affection. It wasn’t the adoration he had for his mother, nor the rage he felt for Kenny. It was tender and sweet, he never had a brother or a close friend to care about while growing up, but he thought it was supposed to feel like that, it had to be like that. It had to be another type of love. His mother told him that love was never the same, it had different shapes and, for him, at that moment love had Isabel and Farlan’s shape.

Sadly, nothing good lasts forever, at least not for him. Love causes pain and brings you to your knees, he shouldn’t have forgotten that. When he saw Isabel’s head laying on the floor surrounded by a puddle of her own blood, mouth agape, eyes wide open and pale face, he fell to his knees. He saw a supercut of him, Isabel and Farlan, all the good times, all the laughs they shared and all the stories they still had to write but they would never be able to do because they weren’t there, not anymore, they were gone like his mother, like Kenny. He was alone again.

Love always brought him to his knees and he would never forget it again. He wasn’t made for love; the same way love wasn’t made for him.

3. LUDUS or Playful love

Meeting you happened out of pure coincidence, being in the right place at the wrong time.

He had come from a long mission and he was completely and utterly fine, seriously, but Hange loved to make a big deal out of everything. Well, maybe he had an injury, but a minor one, nothing that he couldn’t take care of himself. He spent years in the Underground, he didn’t need a doctor, he could stitch himself up and place his bones back in place. However, Hange didn’t think the same and was nagging him about getting his injuries checked, so there he was, in one of the infirmary’s bed, waiting for the head doctor.

It wasn’t that he was scared of doctors or “hospitals”, he just didn’t like the idea of some stranger touching him or feeling hopeless and powerless, he didn’t like feeling like he needed help or advice, he could do it pretty much on his own. But Hange didn’t really trust his medical abilities and he knew that arguing with her was pointless.

‘Doctor Brunner couldn’t come since he is busy with some paperwork, so he sent me. I’m his trainee y/n y/ln.’

‘I’m not letting some failed attempt of medic treat my wounds.’

It wasn’t what people would call a ‘meet cute’ moment, it was more like a ‘meet jerk’. He wasn’t the best dealing with people, nor that he wanted to be, he preferred it that way. If you had been any other person, you wouldn’t have bitten back, but you had a sharp tongue and weren’t scared of him. That was probably what drew him in, he was so used to people recoiling in fear when they saw him that having someone that actually fought back was quite alluring.

‘Well, this failed attempt of a doctor knows more than you ever will, so act your age, stop being a bitch and let me tend your injuries.’

‘You have some nerve talking to me like that.’

‘You have some nerve coming to my workplace to insult me.’

During that first encounter none of you said much to each other. He wasn’t fond on talking and you didn’t like his attitude, so you didn’t try to strike a conversation. He had to admit that you were good at you job, you tended him with care and you knew what you were doing, not that he would tell you, at least not yet.

‘Well, not so bad for a failed attempt of a doctor.’

It was the closest thing to a compliment he could say, and it looked like you knew, because he swears that he saw you smile a little.

‘Aren’t you a pleasure to work with? The injury in your arm was pretty nasty and poorly treated, so luckily for you, you will have to drop by more times to check on you. These are my hours, if you want this failed attempt of a doctor to treat you, Captain. I could get used to see your friendly face now and then.’

He didn’t know if the last part was supposed to be interpreted as flirting, but he did come back to visit you, to keep an eye of his injury, obviously. However, if you asked Hange, she would say that you had caught his eye, he still says that at that point in your relationship you annoyed him too much to find himself interested in you.

His weekly visits turned into daily visits, so much for not liking you.

‘I’m starting to think I’ve managed to catch your attention, Captain.’

‘Tch, you’re just less annoying than the rest of the brats.’

‘Oh Captain, you really know how to make me blush.’

He lied. You did catch his attention and you both knew it. It wasn’t love, not at all, it was a gentle curiosity that grew a little bit every day, like a flower blossoming.

‘Tch, you only know to say shit with that mouth of yours.’

‘This mouth of mine knows to do a lot of things, want me show you, Captain?’

‘When you return from the expedition, you have to come to the infirmary to see your wounds and stop playing the hero, it’s bullshit.’

‘I’m starting to think you may have an obsession for doing check-ups on me, brat.’

‘You caught me, I only do them because I can’t keep my hands of you, Captain.’

‘Why do you always call me Captain? It’s annoying, I’m not your superior.’

‘I know, but I like teasing you with it, Captain.’

He cared for you more than he cared for other people in his life, he liked being with you, maybe that was another type of love. Loving his mother was selfless; loving Isabel and Farlan was affectionate; loving you, or whatever the hell he was felling, was playful, flirty and it filled him with joy.

Maybe it wasn’t love, but it was getting there.

4. MANIA or Obsessive love

Your relationship was frustrating everybody, absolutely every single person that knew about you two, everybody knew you had feelings for each other but none of you did something about it, you just kept tiptoeing around each other. It was painful to see. They didn’t know if you were oblivious, stupid, scared or if you were just messing with them, Hange believed the latter one because there was no way you two weren’t together already. The banter, the flirty remarks, the way he looked out for you and the way you took care of him.

‘What’s going on with you and y/n, Shorty?’

‘You tell me, Four-eyes’

‘Tell me the truth, y/n. Are you and Levi dating and just keeping it as a secret? Because I’m losing my mind.’

‘We aren’t dating, Hange.’

To be honest, Levi was losing his mind too. The playful game turned into something more serious, something more obsessive and he didn’t like it. He couldn’t stop thinking about you and what were you doing while he was busy with paperwork. On missions his mind wandered about your wellbeing and if you were fine. He couldn’t ignore the way his heartbeat became erratic whenever you were close to him or the way he would notice every single thing about you. He felt powerless, there was no way to stop it.

He, who always had a plan and knew to do, was helpless under something he could have prevented, or at least something he think he could have avoided. Deep down he knew that he would have fallen for you one way or another, some things are bound to happen, and love is one of them, but he didn’t want to admit that something as mundane as love could outpower him in his own life.

He was aware of how you felt about him, you weren’t scared to be vocal about it and it drove him mad, and by the way his stoic eyes would gleam and glisten while looking at you, you were certain it was mutual. He knew that if he said the word or gave you signal, you’d be his and he’d be yours, but he couldn’t give you what you wanted, and it was a matter of time before you got tired of him. You were young and beautiful, one the most outstanding creatures he had ever seen, you could do better than him and you’d realize soon enough. Life was too short to waste it on him.

‘What are you waiting for, Levi? Do something about it because it’s getting painful to watch.’

‘Get off my fucking case, Four-eyes.’

Everyone was waiting for him to do something, but he couldn’t. In those moments he remembered the question he wasn’t able to ask his mother: ‘if you died, do you think anyone would ever love me, mom?’ His mother loved him, and she died, just like Isabel and Farlan, he couldn’t love you, because he’ll end up losing you, the same way he lost everyone else.

He was loveless.

But you weren’t, and you found someone to do what he couldn’t do, someone to love you like you deserved.

He didn’t know a lot about them. You looked happier and that was all he cared about. He thought that seeing you with another person would calm his heart and his desires, but they only got worse, there was no way of forgetting about you. You were everywhere.

‘C’mon Levi, do something.’

‘Didn’t I tell you to drop it, Hange?’

His visits stopped but you kept waiting for him, hoping he would come to his senses. You didn’t get it, you really didn’t. He had the opportunity, he could have taken the chance to be with you, but he didn’t, so you moved on, or tried to, you didn’t love your partner, but you could see yourself falling in love with them. However, you still missed Levi, not as a potential lover, but as a friend. The way he erased you from his life as you were nothing broke your heart. What did he want from you?

He wanted everything. He wanted all of you and yet he couldn’t do anything about it. He was just frozen in time while you kept moving. He met your partner, they came to visit you once, they were gentle and loving, they looked at you like you were the brightest star in the firmament. They held your hand and kissed your lips. They did all the things he wanted to do. He was jealous, but he didn’t have the right to say something, he had never had the right.

The way he looked at you made you feel guilty, like you were betraying him, and you were so confused and annoyed and angry and mad, and you really wanted to punch him in the face. So, you went to his room that night and stormed in.

‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’

‘I should be asking that, I’m not the one barging in someone else’s room with no previous invitation.’

He had never seen you like that, so mad and full of rage and it was all directed to him and he knew it was his fault.

‘What do you want of me, Levi?’

He wanted everything.

He wanted you.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Could you please stop making me lose my time?’

He saw it in your face, that was the last straw.

‘You’re selfish, an asshole, a prick and a lot of other things. But above it all, you’re a fucking coward, so much for Humanity’s Strongest. For fucks sake, Levi, I loved you, I still do, but I can’t keep waiting for someone who is too scared to do something about it. I want you and you want me too. What’s stopping you?’

He remembered again, the question he never had the chance to ask: ‘if you died, do you think anyone would ever love me, mom?’

You loved him and you weren’t scared of it. But he was, and you were about to leave the room. You turned your back on him and it was now or never. He had to choose: would he let you walk away definitely of his life or would he do something?

For once, he didn’t think, he didn’t listen to his head, he listened to his heart. For so long he made himself believe that he didn’t have a heart, but his heart was right there, beating for you.

He kissed you and you kissed him back.

‘Mine.’

‘Yours.’

5. EROS or Passionate love

You both were private people, you didn’t want people talking about your relationship during its first stages, what you had was precious and new and you wanted to protect it from the world a little longer. That’s why no one really knew about the whole ordeal, well, they knew that something had shifted because you could be in the same room without making everyone uncomfortable with your unsolved issues, but they couldn’t pinpoint what had exactly changed, they just guessed that you sorted everything out, finally.

However, Hange did know what changed. She prided herself on knowing Levi, after many years working with him she had learned that Levi only talked through his body language, so she started paying attention to what his body said instead of listening to the words he spewed. Therefore, when she asked him if he was dating you and he said a short no, he knew he was lying. She noticed how he seemed more at ease, how you had broken up with your partner, the way he would gravitate towards you and that when he looked at you, his eyes weren’t filled with longing and remorse, they were shinier and less cold than usual. So, she obviously knew that something was up, but she kept quiet. She may talk way too much, and people could find her annoying, but at the end of the day she was a good friend, and she would respect that neither of you wanted to make things public.

Keeping things private was harder than he originally thought, he was distant and cold to everyone, but he couldn’t be cold and distant with you when you made him burn inside and he could only think about holding you close. It was weird for him, he had spent so many years deprived of touch that he couldn’t imagine himself getting addicted to it, but he was wrong, so wrong.

You knew that Levi was touch starved, you didn’t need to be a genius to notice. When you picked up his body language and started hearing about his childhood, everything came together: his mother died when he was very young, the most paternal figure he had was toxic and abusive to him and since Isabel and Farlan he didn’t let anyone in easily. Levi wasn’t used to someone doting him and you knew that if you started showering him with affection, it would probably scare him off a little, and that was the last thing you wanted. So, you started slowly: holding hands, gentle caresses, kisses in his cheek, hugs, light pecks on the lips and when you saw that he started getting more comfortable, things started scaling on their own, you let him mark the pace. It wasn’t a quick process, but it was worth it.

After a few months, Levi couldn’t keep his hands of you and he surely didn’t want you to keep your hands off him. This was a new kind of love, at first, on the early stages of your relationship it was playful, but then it evolved into something more passionate: quick pecks turned into open mouthed kisses; holding hands innocently turned into holding you close while you came undone under him again and again; kisses now went lower and lower, exploring new parts of you that he hadn’t seen and that no one else would. He didn’t think that touch could mean so much to him, but it did now, and he knew that couldn’t ever go back to a touchless life where you wouldn’t be there to love him.

6. PHILAUTIA or Self-love

He wasn’t neither deaf, blind or stupid. He could hear what people had to say about your relationship, how you deserved better than him; he could see his reflection on the mirror and how he wasn’t beautiful, at least not as much as you, he wasn’t the male that would make people swoon and he knew that you could have any man or female you wanted, but you chose him, out of every other person, you decided to be with him. He was a lucky bastard and you didn’t make good decisions, what a match.

You would look at him like he held the stars in the sky, and you would touch him like he was about to disappear in any moment, as if he were a dream you were afraid to wake up from. He didn’t get why him, he wasn’t the most handsome, nor the nicest, nor the easiest to love, and you still decided to keep him around. He liked to think that he was smart or cleverer than the average, and yet he couldn’t grasp his head around that the fact you loved him and just him, and that was it, it was as simple as that.

Whenever you heard the things people said about your partner, you went feral, because you knew all those comments fueled the self-hate Levi had. Being loveless for so long it obviously affected the perception he had of himself and you wanted to change that, because he deserved it, he deserved all the happiness in this dull world. He liked to play strong, but you saw through him, and even though he never acted upon them, it hurt him. You wished he could see himself through you eyes, because it caused you pain the mere idea of him thinking less of himself, that he wasn’t worthy of your love.

You would tell him every day how much you loved him, as if you were reciting a prayer to your own god.

‘I love you.’

‘You’re beautiful.’

‘I could stare at you for the rest of my life.’

‘I don’t know what I would do without you.’

You would tell him that he needed to love himself, see the good inside of him, he guessed that that was one the types of love he had yet to discover: self-love. He didn’t see himself capable of loving himself nearly the half of how much you loved him.

‘You know one reason why you should love yourself, because you make me the happiest I’ve ever been.’

He didn’t love himself, not yet, but if he was able to make you smile like that, he couldn’t be that unworthy of you.

7. STORGE or Familiar love

He had been avoiding love for as long as he could remember, and then you burst into his life with the force of a typhoon. Love had found him, and he couldn’t get away, you never can, it was a lesson that he had finally accepted.

For so long he saw love as something unnecessary, a burden for the soul. Love ruins you, it stabs you on the back, whenever he let his walls down, love would always take advantage of it and destroy him, bringing him closer to insanity, he had lost himself too many times by loving people and when he met you, he did not want the cycle to repeat itself. He didn’t want more Kuchels, Kennys, Isabels and Farlans, love was merciless, and he wasn’t interested in it, at least that was what he told to himself every day, that he was better off alone. Was all the pain worth it? He thought love came with a high price and he couldn’t afford it. However, things change, life happens, destiny has always something in the store, well, in his case he had someone.

You were his everything, the beacon that brought light in his life, for so long he had been lost, walking amongst shadows, nearly becoming one, and when you appeared you changed the rules of the game, of his game. Every wall he had built around himself came down and you filled every gap his heart was missing. It was the scariest thing he had ever done, letting you in, letting someone in, giving someone else the control of his own heart. You knew the power you held between your hands and you never abused it. You were his solace in this mad world, the oasis in the middle of the desert.

Loving him was not easy, he knew it, he was rude, sharp, too closed off, mean, he was what people liked to call a ‘fucking jerk’ and yet you never gave up on him, on what you had. Instead of leaving when you had the chance, you stayed through thick and thin: through sleepless nights, through his bad moods and grumpiness, through his biting remarks… .You didn’t ran way, you were too stubborn for that, instead you taught him more forms of love.

You were all of the ones he knew and more.

You were selfless, giving him every part of you and loving him with everything you had to offer.

You were his best friend, his companion, the better half of him.

You were playful, joyous, probably the only thing that could make him smile and bring him happiness.

You were consuming, like a fire burning inside of him.

You were passionate, intoxicating.

You were every form of love he had ever experienced, but nothing could have ever prepared him for the kind of love he was experiencing in that moment: the familiar one. The one you feel when you hold your newborn in your trembling hands. It was something he couldn’t describe, there weren’t words for it, he tried to, but he failed every single time.

This was the way his mom loved him, and then he knew how much he had meant for his own mother. While holding little Kuchel on his arms, he remembered all those days and nights on that dirty brothel, all the hours he spent by his mother’s side, how she would do everything to give him the best life and he soon realized there was nothing in this world he wouldn’t do for his daughter. It wasn’t the best of times to have a child, but in that moment, in that precise instant, when Kuchel opened her grey eyes, he was sure of one thing: he would tear everything and everyone down only to see her smile.

A knock on the door. Another one. Two minutes passed and then Hange, followed by Erwin, entered in the room.

‘Tch, Shitty-glasses, who gave you permission to come in?’

‘My authority as a god-mother.’

‘Don’t make me regret it.’

‘She’s beautiful, what’s her name?’

‘Her name is Kuchel.’

Kuchel was his new world, he loved her so much that it was overwhelming, he would never love someone as much as he loved her, and no one would probably love with the same devotion Levi Ackerman loved his daughter.

‘You know, Kuchel, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I promise you that you will have the best life a man like me can give you. I may be a little cold, perhaps a little strict and you will probably get mad at me sometimes, but no matter what happens, I will love you through everything. And by the way, no dating until I’m dead because no brat will be good enough for you. You deserve the world Kuchel and I’ll give you everything it has to offer. Things may get hard, you aren’t born in the best circumstances, but I’ll protect you because you deserve the life I couldn’t live.’

Kuchel’s first word was ‘dadda’.

Kuchel’s first steps were pointed towards his father.

Kuchel’s favorite pastime was being in his father’s arms.

Kuchel could only sleep after his father had kissed her forehead.

And Kuchel would never love someone as much as he loved his father, because she loved him as much as he loved her.

8. PRAGMA or Enduring love

He was old and wrinkly, he was scarred, mutilated and there were days he couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were too real. But he was happy, he was married to the most beautiful and special person he had ever met, he had a loving daughter, a bunch of brats he was proud to call grandchildren and the tea shop he had always dreamed about.

Life hadn’t been fair to him. He had lost so many people he cared about, he had fought a war and he had had the weight of the world on his shoulders. But, after all, after the tortures, the adversities, the deaths… He had people who loved and whom he loved.

Love was worth it. He had finally learned that.

At his seventies he found out about the last kind of love, the enduring, the one that lasts and survives in time. He loved his family above everything, and he would love them long after his bones turn into ashes and no one remembers his name.

Then he recalled that question he never got to ask his mother: ‘if you died, do you think anyone would ever love me, mom?’

He looked at the sky and smiled.

‘After all someone was fool enough to love me mom, who would have thought?’

A gentle breeze caressed his skin and a single tear fell from his eye.

‘I guess that’s the way you have of answering the question.’

#levi ackerman #levi attack on titan #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman imagine #attack on titan #aot fanfiction #levi ackerman headcanons #levi ackerman oneshot #snk #snk fanfiction #shingeki no kyoujin levi #captain levi #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi x reader #aot x reader #snk x reader #levi fanfiction #shingeki no kyojin

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dejwritesarchived · 3 years

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but here are some keeping up with the kento’s headcanons that nobody asked for but me !!

how’d you and nanami meet? you two met at yu haibara’s funeral when you were younger. you lost touch as you got older and rekindled when you were adults. sooner you became this cute little couple that gojo teases you two about

you two actually got married quite quick. you know how some people be like engaged for like a year and some change…yeah you became mrs kento quick as hell. you were retired sorcerers after all..you could fucking die tomorrow so why the hell not

guess where the honeymoon was at? yup you named it malaysia!!

you two were a bit hesitate on kids. did you really want to bring a kid into the world that could possibly have to endure what you two went through as sorcerers??

but here you are a year later after that exact are we sure about kids conversation pregnant with little yu!!

you know who put themselves in charge of the baby shower? gojo (with the help of shoko). he didn’t even do anything but boss everybody around while they were decorating…but he was sure to let you & nanami know he brought the most expensive gift.

gojo isn’t allowed to babysit yu because last time he returned that lil girl home as if sis went to go fight mahito herself !! hair messed up, missing one of her white ruffle socks, she not even wearing the shirt that you and nanami put her in when you dropped her off at gojo’s place…she missing hair ballies & barrettes. but…she had fun with uncle gojo and she going be sure to tell you !!

yu is literally, little miss personality !! that little girl has a personality of a superstar. a lil tough cookie that has an attitude like her momma

nanami spoils her, he spoils her a lot because he used to do the same thing with you when you were just dating. yu and yourself could literally just take his card and go shopping

on date nights…yuji, nobara, & megumi watches yu for nanami & you. which literally leads to maki, toge, and panda coming over also because hello yu can be a lil reckless. she literally be having a blast with them. when you’re settling her into bed, she just gloats about how much fun she had with everyone. “daddy!mommy! can we get a dog? megumi has two. i also saw a panda…can i get a panda too??!”

yu keeps a picture of yu haibara in her coloring book. she’s fully aware that her father named her after one of his closest friends that died when he was younger.

ballet recitals…the whole squad there. you and nanami recording. gojo checking out kids mom. shoko and utahime looking like proud aunties trying not to tear up.. yuji & them in the back mimicking the routine because yu showed them it countless times when they babysit her and they just don’t want her to get stage fright !!

daughter and daddy dates consist of nanami taking yu to his favorite bakery. he lets her eat whatever sweet bakery product she wants while they sit at a table. he’s reading a book that he’s been dying to read and she’s coloring in her coloring book, muffin crumbs all over her face and such.

mommy and daughter dates consist of bringing your daughter to your job aka being the doctor at kyoto jujutsu high. she may huff and puff about how bored she is after coloring or being on her tablet but as soon as she sees the students she’s on go mode aka sneaking out your medical office when your back is turned. cue you nearly losing it because you thought you lost your daughter bc you turned around for one split second but five minutes later she’s being carried on todo’s back returning her back to you. on some days it’s kamo holding her hand and bringing her back. on other days it’s nishimiya’s cursed broom dropping the five year old back off (yu thinks riding the broom is a whole rollercoaster).

a little yu katia kento facts…she’s a virgo…she was a premature baby…her favorite foods are rice and spicy foods..she literally hates wash days for her hair..she loves the films ponyo and my my neighbor totoro….she oddly has good memory for a five year old *cough* connects with whatever cursed energy power she’s going to grow into when she gets older *cough*

nanami is obviously so protective of his family. like he dreamt of this forever so of course he’s going to be make sure his family is safe and sound

another child? maybe…

#nanami kento x black reader #nanami kento x reader #anime x black reader #x black reader #black reader #char: nanami kento #hc: jjk #series: family affairs

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emepe · 3 years

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You and Me and Nothing More. Chapter 17

☆ Pairing: Jean x Reader (friends to lovers, slow burn), Eren x Reader (lovers to ?)

☆ General info: 18+, modern college au, multi-chapter fic, fluff & smut

☆ Chapter info: Jean’s mother’s visit makes way for some interesting conversation and spilled secrets.

☆ Warnings: descriptions of oral sex (male receiving).

☆ Summary: Who would you fall for if not for each other? You were so used to having each other around, never did it occur to either of you that there could be something more.

Links: AO3 | Masterlist

Blowjobs were fun, you decided. More than fun, actually. You felt nothing other than genuine pleasure from being on your knees yet somehow having full control of Jean’s ecstasy. You loved the way his cock twitched against your tongue and the sloshing sound of your mouth as you couldn’t help but literally drool all over him. Watching his head thrown back in pleasure and feeling his fingers unintentionally in distress between pulling your hair back and shoving your head forward had an absolute mess forming between your thighs. His Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat and his jaw slack and his blushing cheeks as you fervently circled his red tip with your tongue were a sight to be engraved in your memory.

In conclusion, there was nothing sexier to you than sucking Jean off.

But your first experience had been cut short by the ringing of your doorbell. And the unexpected appearance of Jean’s mother on the other side of the door vanished any warm feeling that had formed in the pit of your stomach, leaving a heavy rock in its place as you struggled to form any coherent string of words to welcome her.

You loved the caring woman in front of you more than anything — other than her son, of course — but you weren’t sure how to go about this. Your relationship with Jean hadn’t been kept a secret intentionally, and you figured Jean’s mother would have to know eventually, but the time you thought you had to confess had been cut unexpectedly short, not to mention you were now robbed of any opportunity to mentally prepare yourself.

Jean was half-naked in your bedroom and you both reeked of sex. The messy hair you had taken pride in, as it was a sign of Jean’s pleasure, was now embarrassing evidence. A clue, a hint of what you had done, of what you had done to each other, of what this apartment had been used for. The insides of your mouth had remnants of cum and, to top things off, you weren’t wearing any underwear. You should have taken the time to grab a fresh pair if it was so damn hard to find your used one.

“Sweetie, are you alright? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” Jean’s mother laughed nervously, still awkwardly standing in the hall with a small bag hanging from one hand.

“I-I’m perfectly fine, auntie. You just— I wasn’t expecting you to be here. We must’ve missed your call,” you sputtered nervously, still trying to make sense of what was going on. You prayed Jean could have heard his mother’s voice and done everything to cover your tracks as you clumsily invited her into the apartment.

“Oh, I didn’t call, dear. But after you called yesterday to ask for recipes, I thought you must’ve missed my cooking. So I figured I could take some time to come down and make sure you’re eating well.”

All traces of panic abandoned your body as you held the selfless, innocent woman’s gentle gaze and smiled back at her.

“So, where’s my Jean-boy? He’s not out today is he?” She began to wander toward the living room.

As if on cue, Jean stepped out of the hall that led to your bedrooms, fully dressed, with anxiously fixed hair and slight breathlessness.

“Mom,” he murmured.

He thought it must’ve been a cruel joke of his imagination to have his mother interrupt his first blowjob. But he was stunned to actually see her there.

The woman threw her arms around her boy, drowning him in a tight and eager embrace. Jean looked at you over his mother’s head, reflecting the exact thoughts you had just experienced mere moments ago.

All you did was shrug and mouth the word sorry, as it truly may have been partly your fault for the sudden visit.

“How long are you staying here?” he asked, eyeing the bag she had abandoned on the floor to hug him.

She pulled back from the hug, pinching his cheek, and chuckled lightly.

“Oh, relax. I know you’re both busy. I’ll only stay for today. I have a dress fitting appointment for Ms. Ral at noon so I’ll leave early in the morning.” She glanced between the two of you. “You remember her, right? Your third-grade teacher? She’s getting married next month.”

Your face warmed. It was only last night that the topic of marriage hovered in the air. It was a ridiculous thought at your age but it was, in fact, a serious thought.

“Is she? How lovely,” you murmured. Ms. Kirstein beamed.

“Absolutely. It’s the most wonderful thing to be young and in love. I hope it all goes well for her.”

Your eyes wandered over to Jean, only to find his gaze already set on you. A faint smile graced his lips and a knowing glint shone in his eyes.

“I’m sure everything will be okay,” he said.

His words lingered as a secret reassurance to you about the unexpected jam you were in. You replied silently with a single nod and a smile.

“So!” Ms. Kirstein clasped her hands together and flickered her gaze between you. “Where should I leave my bag?” She picked up her small piece of luggage and began to wander down the short hallway. Your eyes widened and your hand shot out to grab Jean’s wrist before he could follow her dragging him back to the foyer.

Jean shot you a questioning look and you anxiously waved your hands around to silently communicate that you were still, very much so, commando.

You expected him to mirror your panic but all he did was shoot you a cheeky grin and offer you a peek of the yellow lace in his pocket.

Breathing a sigh of relief, you followed him to meet his mom, who was already stepping inside your room.

“Why don’t you stay in my room?” Jean offered and propped his elbow on your shoulder, using you as an armrest. “We shouldn’t pull this one out of her room. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Are you sure, Jean-boy?”

Jean nodded surely before taking his mother’s bag to his room, leaving you to trail behind him beside her.

“I should probably get started with some breakfast, then,” she prompted but you shook your head.

“Oh, absolutely not, auntie. You’re a guest.”

She retaliated with a head shake of her own.

“Nonsense. I told you I was here to make sure you were eating well.”

Jean stepped into the hallway at that moment to back you up.

“At least let us repay you with breakfast, then. You were just on a train for four hours and we just woke up. We can go to a diner, you’ll love it.”

His mother frowned. Jean rolled his eyes. You giggled.

“Then you can spend the rest of the day cooking, I promise,” he assured.

It didn’t take much convincing after Jean promised he would let his mother indulge her acts of service love language once you all got some breakfast in your systems.

As she waited patiently for you both to finish getting ready, Jean went over to your room.

“Hey,” he spoke in a low voice as he carefully shut the door behind him.

You smiled at him through your mirror as you fixed your hair.

“I had no idea she was coming, I’m so sorry.” He lowered his gaze to the floor, embarrassed by his mother’s sudden intrusion.

You shook your head, turning to face him properly, and offered him a comforting smile.

“It’s fine. I love your mom.” You shrugged and walked over to your closet to pull out a hoodie.

“Still,” he murmured as he watched you pull the garment over your head with little grace and unbothered by messing up your hair the slightest bit in the process.

You stopped just in front of him.

“How do you want to go about this?” he asked, zeroing in closely at your reaction and fixing the messed-up hairs for you.

There was no need for further explanation to what he was referring to. It wasn’t the grandest of secrets nor did you think Jean’s mother was unworthy of trust. Granted, she wasn’t always the most discreet person but history proved it was different when it came to you. But telling her you were dating her son, the boy you shared an apartment with would most likely leave no room for secrecy. She’d be over the moon, you were sure, so the news was bound to be spilled to her fellow neighbors. Neighbors whose reactions were totally unpredictable given how guarded you’ve been your whole life. Not to mention the situation could very easily give way to dangerous suspicions surrounding your shared privacy.

Would it even be that bad if she played messenger?

Scratch that, it would. You would face the wrath of your wardens for not telling them about your relationship themselves. Then again, maybe they would be ecstatic Jean was your first boyfriend — that they knew of. Maybe they would take the news just as well as you imagined Jean’s mother would. Still, living with your boyfriend at eighteen was bound to rub them the wrong way. Especially since they were the ones to place their “trust” in you to not get into any trouble.

Never do good things that seem like bad ones, was what they would always say.

You weren’t doing anything wrong per se — the most “frowned upon” thing was probably having sex, a thing that was nothing out of the ordinary for a college student — but you predicted they wouldn’t allow themselves to cool down enough to see it that way.

You chewed on the inside of your cheek for the longest second before you finally returned his gaze and replied, “I don’t know”.

Silence ensued as Jean meditated his own approach.

“We keep it cool, then. We’re the same as ever, okay?”

You smiled and nodded, grateful that he gave you an out from deciding. Then you hesitated.

“Wait… what do you want to do, though?”

He paused.

“Well… It’d be nice to tell her. But I know you have reasons to keep things on the low. I won’t make any moves until it’s a full yes.”

It was things like that that made you want to leave kisses all over his face. And you were about to before you were interrupted.

“Kids?” You heard Ms. Kirstein’s voice from the living room.

Jean bought you closer by the back of your head and kissed you lightly on your forehead.

“Coming!”

If this were a film, Jean’s mother’s visit would be a montage of filler scenes that portray something oddly beautiful and cinematic about the mundane. Nothing dramatic or crucial to the plot but rather a miniature arc to offer a sense of peace in between the cracks of it.

Jean’s mother was a breath of fresh air, you always thought so. Dare you to say you felt more at ease in her home than in your own, so even though it had caught you off guard, her presence was far from unwelcome.

The scenes advanced from going to a diner where Jean absentmindedly cleaned a dollop of whipped cream from the corner of your mouth with his thumb and ate it under the slightly dumbfounded gaze of his mother — he cleared the awkward air by calling you a child and scarfing down his omelet while trying to hide his red cheeks — to grocery shopping (you recalled having a barren fridge) to singing along to the radio on the drive back home while Jean and you shared sneaky glances through his rearview mirror.

Jean’s mother had a calming aura. She gave you a sense of comfort. She made you feel heard and treated you as a potential equal, not a child when those days were long passed. It was no surprise she — aside from Jean, and especially when he seemed bored of hearing about it — had always been on the receiving end of your rambles about Eren and love. She knew the story of your first kiss with him. She had enough information to retell your story with Eren fully. Of course, she had fallen behind once you moved away, and you figured winter break would give you an opportunity to catch up but things had changed since then. So you weren’t entirely sure of what new information to offer or what other type of conversation to prompt as you both chopped vegetables for curry under the low hum of drizzle outside while Jean worked on an essay in his room.

He hated working on Sundays and he’d already lost a day given your passionate celebration yesterday, so he had no remedy but to excuse himself and ask his mother to make sure you didn’t chop your fingers off.

The three of you shared a laugh before getting to work. The silence was comfortable at first, being filled in every few minutes with talk of school and annoying professors and impressive classmates as well as the infuriating ones. Each time you caught a glance of her preparing to speak, you feared the topic of Eren was about to be brought to the table. Until it finally was.

“How’s Eren doing, sweetie?”

You paused. She noticed. You recovered your nervous expression just barely and beamed at her. A little forced but she didn’t seem to notice as she continued washing the rice as she awaited your response.

“Eren…” The knife in your hand slowed as you finished cutting through your second potato. “He’s… he’s doing okay.” Your tone regained its ease as you remembered how well he seemed to be doing just yesterday.

At least she had given you an easy question.

But now that the conversation had shifted to your ex-boyfriend and the woman had a particular way of getting overly enthusiastic about anything involving the charming green-eyed boy who she knew made you happy, she couldn’t help but keep pushing.

“Have you said ‘I love you’ yet?” she asked in a teasing manner, in the tone that every adult seemed to speak when asking about one’s private life.

You didn’t mind sharing any details with her, though you worried the route of the conversation would drive you straight toward the unveiling of your current relationship.

“Yeah, we did… a couple of months ago,” you explained, your heart rate growing quicker with every word.

Maybe you should be honest, you thought. Telling the truth about Eren was the perfect segway and would help ease the news about Jean.

“And then we broke up.”

You heard the tap shut off and you turned to find her looking at you with concern.

“Oh my goodness. Honey, are you okay? What happened?”

You shook your head lightly and smiled as if to say “it’s nothing to worry about”.

“We just… decided we weren’t so right for each other after all.”

Jean’s mother was confused, to say the least. Eren had seemed like the perfect match for you and she had rooted for your relationship since she caught you both engaging in premarital hand-holding. Over the lapse of a few months between that and your move out of town, she watched you glow whenever he was mentioned.

But she figured there truly wasn’t much to worry about seeing that your gaze held so much sincerity toward the matter, absent of any hidden pain.

“Gosh, you sound so grown up talking like that.” She set the rice aside and faced you fully. You did the same. “I just wish you would’ve told me before I brought him up.” She shot you a meek smile but you gave her a reassuring one in return. Though your airy attitude was a mask to the growing chaos in your head as you prepared to ease her into your current situation. But she beat you to it.

“Does Jean-boy know about this?”

You tilted your head but smiled warmly in the end.

“Yeah, he was the first to know. He was very helpful during that time.”

Ms. Kirstein nodded slowly, deep in thought.

“He didn’t say anything hurtful, did he?”

You studied her for a moment, perplexed by her question. Because why would Jean ever be mean when you were in your most vulnerable state? Or was she referring to Eren?

“What do you mean?”

Embarrassment tinted her face red as she looked at you with an unspoken apology over an accusation that didn’t even exist nor pointed at her.

“Oh, you know him. He was never really fond of Eren.” That you already knew. “Always went on and on about how you were too good for him.” You knew that, too. “And of course, the night of the prom didn’t help but fuel the fire.”

You tried to blink away your confusion.

“What are you talking about? What about the night of the prom?”

Her eyes widened, an evident sign that she had said something she wasn’t supposed to.

“Oh, dear. Nothing, no—”

“Auntie.” Your voice was stern. If it involved Jean, you needed to know. “Tell me,” you murmured, your voice gentler.

The woman took a moment to gather her thoughts, to analyze how to let you in on the information she was so hesitant on dropping.

“You see… the night of the prom… after he came home from dropping you off, I found him crying in his room. He said he wanted to be the one to take you to the dance.”

“Jean was crying?” was all you managed to say, your voice low and weak. You were suddenly hit with the image his mother had just painted for you. It wasn’t pretty and it made your chest ache. Your previous decision to out your relationship had vanished.

You knew Jean felt disappointed when the pact you made in the eighth grade had been cut off before its last run, but he had done such a good job hiding any sign of it the night of, that you didn’t think twice about anything other than your excitement.

“Why didn’t he say anything?”

The woman in front of you held your gaze with compassion.

“Oh, honey. What was he supposed to say? ‘Don’t go to prom with your boyfriend’?”

She was right. It wouldn’t have changed things if he had spoken up. You’d already said yes to Eren, after all. But at the very least you wouldn’t have been so inconsiderate to ask him to go through all the motions with you just so he could spend the rest of his night alone.

You remained silent.

Jean’s mother was perceptive at times. As she watched you stare at the half-chopped potato, with that look of distress and concern in your distant gaze, she could tell you were still beating yourself up over Jean’s choice to protect your feelings and keep your prom memories free of guilt.

“You sure love my son, don’t you?”

Without missing a beat, and without too much meditation about the connotations that could derive from your answer you said “more than anything. He’s my whole world.”

A knock was heard on the other side of Jean’s bedroom door hours later.

“Come in.”

“Hi, Jean-boy,” his mother chirped as she stepped inside, her clothes infused by several layers of delightful, cozy scents. “How’s your homework coming along, honey?”

He smiled at her from his spot at his desk, pulling out the single earbud he had tucked in his ear to listen to music as he worked.

“Almost done,” he replied as he swiveled in his chair to face her. “Sorry I wasn’t much help.” His features morphed into a meek smile but all she did was wave him off, dismissing the topic as she sat on his bed.

“How’s school been?”

“Okay, I guess.”

A few minutes of small-talk ensued, gradually pooling into deeper topics as the pair caught up. Jean asked her about her current projects and she asked him about his and made sure that he was being helpful around the apartment.

If only she knew he was the one that kept you on your feet. Though you being safe and happy was enough for him to feel the same.

“How’d she hold up in the kitchen? She’s gotten better, right?”

The woman laughed softly. “She has.”

It was no secret to her that you weren’t a proficient chef in the making. She was the one you sought after when you tried to learn how to cook during your younger teenage years. You figured if Jean could do it, so could you. And Jean’s mother was the kind of teacher that was… well… kind. Her method was to teach through words of motivation instead of the cold tone you faced at home. You came to learn cooking wasn’t really your calling but it didn’t keep you from trying and mastering a few easy, struggle meals with Ms. Kirstein’s loving guiding hand.

Jean was a witness to this all, of course, and he had plenty of fun teasing you about it but also teaching you his own tricks between them and thorough your domestic life together.

“Mom?”

Ms. Kirstein raised her eyebrows in question.

“Do you like her?” Her son asked with pink dusting his ears. “I mean, do you actually enjoy her being around, or were you just happy to see me quit being a loner child?”

She furrowed her brow, not entirely sure of what her son was asking or why the question had come up.

“What are you saying, Jean-boy? She’s the closest thing I have to a daughter. I adore that girl.”

Relief washed over his features and his shoulders visibly relaxed as he nodded in understanding.

“Don’t you like living with her?” she asked, suddenly worried that perhaps he was searching for her to be a scapegoat to his secret misery as your roommate.

He swiveled back toward his desk but his mother managed to catch a glimpse of red shadowing the rest of his face.

“Of course I do. She’s amazing.”

He didn’t say anything else and he didn’t give her more than a split second to see his reaction. But she knew, nonetheless.

“I figured. You always did have a soft spot for her.”

He hummed an affirmation, his shyness visible only to his computer screen.

“Get cleaned up, Jean-boy. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”

Dinner made for easy conversations and dumb jokes as the three of you enjoyed the meal Jean’s mother and you had carefully crafted. Though more credit was due for Ms. Kirstein.

Your refrigerator was filled to the brim with containers upon containers of food meant to last the few more weeks you’d spend in the apartment before you went back home for winter break with Jean. You were officially set for your meals, which you were both incredibly grateful to not have any additional stress about while you prepared for your finals.

Dinner faded into cleanup time, which then made way for a movie in the living room. Just like old times.

Because there was nothing out of the ordinary about it, you allowed yourself to rest your head on Jean’s shoulder while his laid on top.

It wasn’t long into the movie that Jean’s mother stood from the couch, her muscles heavy and her eyes weary as she apologized for being too tired to see the movie to its end. Jean stood alongside her to retrieve a pillow and a blanket from his room so as to not disturb her sleep later, and you took it as your cue to retreat to your room for the night, as well.

But as you laid in bed, staring at the ceiling with your surprisingly energetic body, you grew restless. The thought of Jean being miserable during something that had long since passed, — and had already led to a satisfying outcome — still burned in the back of your mind. It probably shouldn’t have bothered you that much. It probably wasn’t even that deep or meant to be mulled over — over and over again since the second you found out. But it was.

You had promised Ms. Kirstein you wouldn’t rat her out to her son. After all, Jean had asked her to keep it a secret in the first place so as to not hurt your feelings even if it meant digging a knife into his own back then.

It was one of those situations in which you knew there was nothing left to do but maybe if you just saw the other person, you would feel better and obtain closure for the fresh wound you had suffered in regards to their scar.

“Hey, stranger,” you whispered as you padded quietly into the living room. You were relieved to find him awake as well, scrolling through his phone until he heard your quiet voice and set it aside.

“Hey. What are you still doing up?”

You tried to think fast. You were upset but you couldn’t let him in on why.

“Oh… Just… thought you could use an extra blanket.”

He stared at your empty hands quizzically, though amusement shone through.

“Where is it?” A lopsided grin stretched across his face.

“Huh?”

“The extra blanket?”

You blinked.

“Oh,” You chuckled awkwardly, the noise coming out as more air than anything. “Uh… forgot it in my room.”

Jean pursed his lips in a mocking manner to your forgetfulness as he nodded.

“Come here, sit down.” He sat up and offered you the space beside him.

You plopped down and sighed heavily.

“Is something wrong?” he asked as he rested his elbows on his thighs, hunching his back to connect with your lowered gaze.

You shook your head. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

You were surprised when you felt him pull you closer with one arm and rested you against his chest as he sat with his head thrown back on the sofa.

At first, you felt alarmed, suddenly recalling the time you had sneaked your first kiss in Jean’s room. But Ms. Kirstein was most likely asleep so it didn’t even matter if you were a little reckless.

“Sorry about my mom. I had no idea she was coming,” he whispered.

He felt you shake your head as you threw an arm across his torso and held him tightly. He was always so warm.

“Don’t apologize. I already told you I love your mom,” you whispered back.

His fingers traced along your arm, his touch made of velvet as you held each other in the darkness.

Silence was always comfortable with Jean, no need to tire yourselves to fill the gaps. But this silence brought back the thoughts you thought you had abandoned in your room.

“Jean?” you called him softly, lifting your head so you could look at him.

He was smiling as he brought up a hand to caress your cheek. “Yeah?”

Your breath lodged in your throat. His eyes always seemed to sparkle whenever they connected with yours. And sure, the wound was fresh for you now, but Jean had time to heal since then. Or maybe not, but asking him about it would not only mean betraying the woman sleeping in his room but also bringing the hurtful memory back. He’d had a rough time for who knows how long but you were together now. Previous hurt or not, you were making him happy now. And you were going to keep it that way.

You were all too enamored of him to do any different.

“Nothing.” You pinched his cheek, smiling playfully. “I should go back to my room.”

Nodding he released you from his embrace. “Okay.”

Still smiling, you stood from the couch and began to head for the hall. But before you could take more than three steps, you went back to him, cupped his face with your hands, and dipped your head to kiss him deeply. His hand instinctively pulled you closer by the back of your neck while the other tugged at your wrist so you would sit on his lap.

Ms. Kirstein was long forgotten as his arms wrapped around your waist and your arms draped over his shoulders and your stomach fluttered from the stampede of dancing elephants. But the memory of his mother’s presence returned moments later. You pulled back. Your lips were glossy with saliva, his were swollen and pink.

“You can’t just kiss me like that and go,” he murmured, holding on to your hand as you prepared to leave again.

“Sorry,” you grinned. “I’ve got to make sure you miss me.”

The bite on his bottom lip did little to keep him from smiling foolishly as he watched you walk away.

“Oh, Jean?” you called just before you disappeared into the hall.

He raised his eyebrows in question, silently signaling his undivided attention.

“I love you,” you whispered.

His features softened. Though his expression had always remained gentle when it came to you, further relief and satisfaction always seemed to wash over him each time you pronounced those three little words. They offered comfort, warmth, an indescribable feeling that went beyond happiness.

“I love you,” he echoed, your name slipping gracefully through his soft lips.

Against Mama Kirstein’s protests, you and Jean woke up just as early as she did on Sunday morning to drive her to the train station. It was the least you could do after she spent the entire day yesterday preparing multiple dishes for you to feast on over the course of your last few weeks of school.

The goodbyes felt longer than the drive there. Ms. Kirstein was always so attached to her kid. And you were like a second one, so the mild sorrow of leaving was doubled.

“I’ll see you in a few weeks. Make sure to eat well,” she repeated for the third time since your arrival at the station.

“Mom, you made enough to feed an army. We’ll be fine.” Jean rolled his eyes, though no malice was intended. She dove in for one last hug from her son.

“I’ll tell your parents you’re doing well,” she said as she turned to you.

You smiled politely. “Please do.”

She fit in two more rounds of motherly advice and words of encouragement for your finals before she absolutely had to get on the train.

Jean and you stood side by side and watched through the windows as she found her seat and settled in. And just moments after, you were waving her goodbye until she disappeared from your view. Jean watched you adoringly as your eyes never left the train until it vanished from your view as well.

“Okay, let’s go ho—”

You were cut off by Jean’s lips crashing with yours. Last night’s stampede returned to your stomach as you both pulled each other closer, sparing no shyness to any souls witnessing your public display of affection.

“Let’s go home,” he murmured against your lips before lacing his fingers with yours and stuffing your interlocked hands in his coat pocket.

With smiles on your faces and happiness shining in your irises, you both made your way back to the place you called home.

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