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strxwberrychocolate · 9 months ago

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˗ˏˋ the wreckage of the world ࿐ྂ “that must be so confusing for a little girl”

summary: getting high after Hinata and Takemichi's wedding was a great idea. all four of them were single as hell and what better than to get smoke the loneliness away. that is until the topic of the past comes up

pairing: baji, kazutora, chifuyu x f!oc (platonic), (kind of)izana x oc

notes: takes place during the final timeline. lol basically everything I wished to hear so this is 100% a self-insert. my life story in a fic cuz all of what happened to oc happened to me lol. written in third person

warning: recreational drug use(marijuana), alcohol use, intoxication, shotgunning, friends with benefits(Izana), suggestive talk, mentions of past abusive relationship, mentions of child abuse(kazutora), mentions of domestic abuse(kazutora's mom), mentions of vomiting, description of verbal abuse, manipulation, past toxic relationship, platonic kissing, platonic cuddling

word count: 2146

“I’m so fuckin’ single” Kazutora whines, sprawling across the floor of Baji’s bedroom

The air is filled with odd-smelling smoke and the scent of alcohol. “This taste like shit” She mutters and takes a huge gulp of the wine straight from the bottle “Why are you drinking it then?” Baji asks and grabs it from her and takes a chug himself

Chifuyu on the other hand, looked on the verge of tears as he exhaled a cloud of smoke. He often looked like that lately. Ever since Hinata and Takemichi’s wedding had been confirmed he always looked like he was zoning out, dreaming. Was he sad? Maybe. He looked more relieved like he couldn’t believe what was happening. Like… Like he lived lifetimes. But that was a stupid thought so she didn’t think too much about it. Chifuyu had always been the sentimental type anyway. No doubt he’d get emotional when Takemichi was now married. She looks around at all three of them, Kazutora holding a joint, Baji taking sips straight out of the wine bottle and Chifuyu also with a joint. “You guys need to get partners” She says shaking sprawling and moving closer to Chifuyu to break him out of whatever trance he was in “This is just sad”

“Says you” Baji mutters “Single ass mother fucker"

“Fuck off” she mumbles and reaches over to Chifuyu for the joint but he moves his hand over and leans into her instead

At reflex, she parts her lips and Chifuyu’s lightly brush against hers before he exhales smoke into her mouth and she inhales, holds it and then exhales. “Fuck that was hot,” Kazutora says with a sigh, passing the joint to Baji, and trading it for the bottle “We might as well date each other”

Chifuyu laughs. “Izana won’t be too happy about that”

That catches Baji and Kazutora’s attention. “Shut the fuck up,” Baji says “no fuckin’ way!”

“Out of all the Sano siblings you had to choose the crazy one?” Kazutora says sitting up, almost dropping the bottle “bitch I swear to god”

“Fuck off” she mutters and grabs the bottle from him “It’s nothing serious”

“Didn’t seem like nothing serious with the way he was looking at you at the wedding” Chifuyu teases as she takes a large gulp from the bottle

“Shut up I didn’t know this. You’ve been fucking holding out on us!” Baji hisses, exhaling a cloud of smoke

Their eyes are heavy and red-rimmed, movements are a bit slow. “No, I haven’t” She grumbles and kicks Baji in the thigh which wasn’t as hard as she wanted and more of a tap than an actual kick “It’s nothing serious I swear… We just… Y’know…”

“YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING?!” The three of them yell at the same time and she groans, her cheeks turning red

Her flushed cheeks were enough for them to know their assumption was right and income the questions. She and Izana started off as really more of a drunken spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. It was really an accident. But, Izana was good. Like really good— which started their whole friends-with-benefits relationship. “He’s lowkey scary though” she says trading the bottle with the joint from Chifuyu

“And you’re into that shit,” Chifuyu says rolling his eyes and taking a sip of the wine then making a face at the taste “This actually tastes like shit. Who got Rosé?”

“Fuck off I like it” Baji grumbles and grabs the bottle from him

“Doesn’t matter if I’m into that shit” She mutters and takes a drag from the joint, laying her head on Chifuyu’s lap “We’re not serious”

Chifuyu flicks her forehead and she purposely exhales onto his face. “He looks serious though” He says

“Awe fuck, does this mean no more shotgunning?” Kazutora says with a pout, exhaling a cloud of smoke

Baji kicks him. “Obviously fuckin’ not unless you want that crazy motherfucker to kill you and then us”

She groans. “I just said we aren’t serious” She grabs Chifuyu by the collar of his dress shirt and pulls him down, blowing smoke into his mouth which he gladly inhales

“Oh~ Chifuyu~. Izana’s gonna kill you now” Kazutora says teasingly while moving closer “Both of you be kissin’ the most”

“Shut up” Chifuyu grumbles and takes the joint from her “Why don’t you wanna make things serious? Sure he’s crazy but he doesn’t seem that bad unless he’s got side hoes or something”

She doesn’t say anything for a moment and just looks up at Chifuyu from where she’s lying on his lap. She doesn’t know what to say or how to say it. But maybe the alcohol and the weed-induced high was making her lose-lipped. “What if he hurts me?”

Her words make them laugh. “You think Mikey won’t beat his white-haired ass?” Baji asks her and Chifuyu and Kazutora start to laugh even harder

But when she doesn’t laugh or even smile like she usually does, they get worried. She has a distant look on her face as if she’s thinking about the past. She looks… sad. “Hey” Chifuyu says snapping his fingers in front of her face after exhaling a cloud of smoke “Has Izana ever hurt you?”

She shakes her head no. “He’s not like that… He’s nice… He’s nice to me”

Kazutora is leaning over her now as she lays in Chifuyu’s lap. “Then what was up with the question? If he’s nice to you then…”

Abuse was a sore topic for Kazutora. He got sensitive about it quickly especially since it was something he went through as a kid and what he watched his mother go through. It still affected him somewhat but he was mostly over it now. However there were times when his past would get the best of him like the other day when it looked like Draken was yelling at Emma and was about to hit her, Kazutora punched him across the face. Needless to say, the conversation after had been pretty tear-shedding (mostly from Emma and Shinichiro). “He’s nice,” She says quietly “I just… I dunno…”

“It’s not I dunno if you’re bringing it up,” Baji says and puts the bottle down, also moving closer to them “You’re clearly afraid of something”

Oh, how she hated her friends for knowing exactly what she was thinking. Baji grabs her by the shoulders and makes her sit up. Now she’s completely surrounded by the three of them. The joints were burned out, they’re high and very drunk. But maybe she needed to be a bit more drunk to finally have this conversation with them after years of running from it. “Remember back in 11th grade… we were all busy… I didn’t see you guys for months?” she asks them grabbing the bottle and taking a swing from it despite the gross taste

They all nod and wait for her to continue. “I had a boyfriend for like 9 months… I think he hated me”

They’re shocked. Clearly, they don’t know what to say. She thinks the same. Had any of her friends said the exact same sentence word for word to her she wouldn’t know what to say either. “What… what the fuck you can’t just leave it like that” Chifuyu says, his voice slightly slurring and nudges her “elaborate”

She shrugs and takes a swing from the bottle. “He wasn’t always like that. Like he didn’t always hate me… I think… He was nice and we started dating. Then 3 months in he suddenly started getting really weird. He didn’t like what I wore, how I acted, he didn’t like my hair—”

“What the— why wouldn’t he like your hair?” Baji asks clearly angry now “I love your hair. What a fuckin fucktard”

She doesn’t say anything. Chifuyu reaches his hand over and runs a hand through her curly strands and silently urges her to continue. “He-he never hit me or anything like that. He was just mean all the time… I dunno I just… He hated everything about me and I dunno why” her words start to slur as the alcohol hits “He hated me so much… I was with him for 9 months… took me 3 out of the 9 to leave him.. Was so scared…”

They don’t say anything for a moment. Kazutora reaches over and grabs her free hand. The room is now completely silent. She just sits there in the middle of them on the floor holding the wine bottle. Finally, Baji speaks up first. “Why didn’t you tell us?” He asks “We could have helped or I dunno, beat his fuckin’ ass”

She chews at her bottom lip nervously and clutches the bottle a bit tighter. “Was scared… Thought you guys would blame me… He never hit me so I thought… I thought…”

She didn’t have to say anything else for them to understand what she meant. Verbal abuse was often overlooked. Not many people considered it even to be abuse. It was sickening and clearly, she had been a victim of it. Oh how horrible the three of them felt. “Why’d you stay so long?” Kazutora asks, his voice quiet as if talking to a crying child

The bottle is pulled from her grasp so she can’t take another gulp out of it. “Um… He kept guilt-tripping me to stay… I guess I kept falling for it” she mumbles and feels ashamed of herself

They don’t know what to say. She doesn’t either. They sit in silence again for a moment till Chifuyu says “you know you didn’t deserve that right?”

She just nods. She knew it. She knew she didn’t. Although sometimes her thoughts got too loud and it did feel like it, she knew that in no world would she ever deserve to be treated that way. “Did… He ever tell you why?” Baji asks

She thinks back to the past and laughs a bit, sounding bitter. “He said I was ‘too perfect’”

They narrow their eyes and at the same time say: “What the fuck?!”

She remembers hearing it come from her ex’s mouth after they broke up. She was apparently too perfect. Perfect grades, perfect family, perfect social life, perfect friends, perfect skin, perfect hair. He hated it. He hated her and her entire existence. Hearing it after they broke up made her angry. How dare he? How fucking dare he do that for some petty reason. Her ex just wanted to be a stain in her so-called perfect life. “That motherfucker” Baji says angrily “What kind of messed up reason is that?”

“Beats me” she mutters then looks at them “We’ve broken up… It’s been years, it’s fine”

It’s clear to them that she no longer wants to talk about it. They can’t help but think that had it not been for their idea to get high and drunk after Takemichi and Hinata’s wedding this topic would have never come up and they would have never known. It’s sickening for them to think anyone could do that to their friend. Their dear friend who is the sweetest girl they knew— who dropped everything for them when they’d get hurt in their youth after stupid gang fights, who would patch them up, who would scold them, who would make them food, who would help them with their homework. Their dear friend who deserved the damn world, the sun, the moon the stars and everything after. Kazutora, Baji and Chifuyu were devastated to hear about this. They somehow end up in a cuddle pile on Baji’s queen sized bed with her somewhat in the middle. “I’m gonna be sweating in the morning” Chifuyu mutters as he is also unfortunately in the middle with her

Kazutora’s arms are wrapped tightly around her middle and her back is pressed against his chest while she’s facing Chifuyu who’s got her head on his bicep. “So uh… Did you really not tell anyone?” Baji asks, his long lanky arms going around both Chifuyu and her

“Uhh… Told Emma…” She says “She was the one that pushed me to leave him and then swore to never tell anyone”

Chifuyu presses a kiss to her forehead, her nose then a soft peck to her lips. “That’s good… At least someone knew… Wish we could have beat his ass though…”

“You think we could find him now and beat him up?” Kazutora suggest, his face pressed into her hair

“No need” she tells them

“What do you means?” Baji asks

“Mikey beat him up… Emma accidentally told him about a month after it ended and Mikey put my ex in the hospital”

“Ohhh~” they say simultaneously

Chifuyu is gazing at her with a soft expression. He presses another chaste kiss to her lips and Kazutora reaches over her body to smack him. “Izana will rip your face off Chifuyu, no more kissing her”

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strxwberrychocolate · 9 months ago

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UPDATE!: the guy I wrote this about/based Fujio's character on, called me a whore haha 😃

˗ˏˋ bittersweet ࿐ྂ Fujio and the girl who’s been in love with him since middle school

notes: based off the boy I've loved since 6th grade who I know will never like me back and resembles fujio's personality a little too much. It's going to be 8 years as of 2023 October and I'm still not over him but it's okay, I'm alright with pining. the oc is literally just a self-insert so it's a mirror of myself and this is written in first-pov. long story short, this is my life story put into a short fic

warnings: canon-typical violence, recreational drug use, underage drinking, alcohol abuse, smoking, mentions of abusive relationships, implied physical abuse, mentioned eating issues, weight-related talk, shotgun kisses, blood, mentions of periods, references to depression, victim blaming, unhealthy coping mechanisms, mild gore, this is basically a trauma dump in the form of a fic so plz be aware, not edited

pairing: fujio x oc (one-sided), sachio x oc (one-sided)

word count: 6309

❝how did love become love?❞

—

I don’t really remember life before Fujio Hanaoka. But then again, who genuinely remembers life before middle school? I met Fujio in middle school, 6th grade to be exact. Fujio came to my middle school around a month after it started because he was visiting his grandfather in the countryside and his mother decided to prolong their stay. One thing I noticed was that Fujio was popular. Very very popular among all the kids in class. It was then I realized that I was the outsider in this classroom. Everyone had gone to the same elementary school in this classroom and they all already knew each other. But I didn’t feel like an outsider for too long because the teacher had Fujio sit next to me since it was the only empty seat left. I had always been a pretty shy kid so making conversation was always hard but it seems that Fujio knew that so he talked to me first. We talked about the elementary schools we went to, the area we lived in, what we wanted to be when we grew up, and the annoying people in the class. Fujio talked and talked and talked to me and all I did was listen.

It wasn’t long till I fell in love.

Fujio knew everything about me. He’d been there at almost every major stage of my life.

Fujio was the one that taught me how to ride a bike, he was the one that listened when I felt insecure about the way I looked, he listened to me talk about my dreams and aspirations, we celebrated when I got her first period with cake(It was more like comforting but it was still a core memory). We’ve been with each other for really most of the important parts of our lives. But I wasn’t his best friend nor was I the one he loved. He loved me but not in the way I wanted him to.

Middle school ends quicker than I wanted and high school starts. We don’t go to the same high schools but at least it’s in the same area. Fujio goes to Oya High and I go to Meiwa Girls School. It’s like a 5-minute distance from each other. Fujio stays at Oya High for a week until he has to go to the countryside to help his mom take care of his grandfather. I was absolutely devastated but there isn’t anything I could do. I became friends with Tsukasa Takajo during Fujio’s year-long absence. It seemed the blonde boy misses Fujio too. Things happen in SWORD but that isn’t too important. Nothing was really important to me while Fujio was gone. It sounds stupid I know but I was a bit of a hopeless romantic. It was horrible, I know. I waited and waited and waited.

Things happen during Fujio’s absence other than that whole shit show that is SWORD’s politics. I meet a guy. He’s sweet. He goes to Shutoku Boys High School. We got together too fast. I used to say it was love at first sight. I think I was wrong. No, I definitely was wrong. I don’t really remember how we met— they say the brain blocks out things that were traumatic and too much for it to handle. Was that how it was for me? Things were sweet at first, we’d text and call each other all the time. He was sweet. I think I loved him at one point, at some point. But none of that matters. None of it matters after everything he’d done. We’d talk to each other all the time, eventually, my sleep was gone trying to comfort him about the breakup he had 3 years ago, going out with my friends after school stopped and so did so many other things. I used to really like swimming, I don’t remember the last time I went. I guess I lost all the motivation to do anything.

I thought it was fine. I thought this was love. I was wrong.

It was a conversation with Tsukasa I had during my 6th month with him that made me realize what was wrong. “Sweetie, you do know you’re getting abused right?” Tsukasa said with his signature blank face, using the pet name akin to an insult

I laughed awkwardly because I in fact did not know that. It took all night for me to convince Tsukasa not to go beat the shit out of my boyfriend. I think if Tsukasa hadn’t been all burnt out since Fujio’s departure he definitely would have gone to Shutoku and beat the shit out of the guy.

Breaking up with him had been the hardest part. It took 4 months, and 4 tries. Todoroki had been helpful in that. The last try was where Todoroki came in. I won’t go into detail but jealousy and me having to stand my ground was involved. The breakup wasn’t pretty but I was free. Surprisingly I didn’t cry. The breakup happened at 6 am, the morning before a major math test. I’m pretty sure I failed but it was okay, I was free and it was all that mattered. I went to Oya High that day and skipped the rest of my afternoon classes, I wanted to tell Tsukasa and Todoroki about it in person. Turns out, everyone knew about my little problem. Maybe it was because of my very obvious physically deteriorating health and the depression I think I had that made me lose so much motivation that my curly hair was now straight and frizzy. It was nice to have all the support.

Mostly everyone was supportive and I think I may have talked about it too much, my past relationship I mean. But I just wanted the validation that I wasn’t wrong, that I wasn’t going crazy and all the things he did to me were in fact wrong and disgusting. But some people said it was my fault. Some said I should have left earlier. It made me feel worse. Tsukasa says they’ll never know what I went through unless they’ve experienced the same thing. No one will know about the nights I stayed up crying, not eating and— ah~ I’m rambling again.

This guy had been a huge factor as to why I changed so much. When I was young, I had issues with eating, I didn’t eat that much and it bothered my mom. But when I did eat she’d encourage me to keep eating so I didn’t fucking die of starvation or something. My ex had been the first to ever tell me to stop eating. I guess it messed me up a lot. Even after I broke up with him, getting back into my usual more healthy habits was hard. Really hard.

My confidence had already been non-existent before but after the breakup, fucking hell I felt terrible.

It was 3rd year and my grades were horrible, my skin, my teeth, my hair. I just really wasn’t having a good time. I used to drink before. For fun. Now it was just to forget. I wasn’t sad about the breakup itself, I wanted to forget about all that he’d done to me, everything I went through. I was angry. It made me angry that I went through that. How could I let myself go through it? Why didn’t I leave? I think all the anger I was feeling just drowned out all of my sadness.

I let go of the chance of ever falling in love again. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel that way, this way ever again.

But I guess one part of me knew that if Fujio ever came back and asked for my heart, I’d tear through my skin and muscles and pry open my ribs to give it to him.

—

❝I’m hiding in the rain, always smiling❞

—

It was like the universe finally had pity on me and one day finally, Fujio comes back. I see him outside the gates of Meiwa. Girls are staring at him of course, watching from afar, giggling. I don’t blame them. Fujio was handsome. He had a nice smile and nice features. He was really really good-looking, even more than the last time I saw him. “Fujio” I said walking over, a huge smile on my face

Fujio smiles right back at me. “Hey, long time no see! Miss me?”

“Definitely didn’t” That was a lie, I did, I missed him a lot

We stayed out that night, catching up. I patched up Fujio’s knuckles as I usually did and now we were sitting at an empty park just on the border between Oya and Sannoh. We were sitting on the swings, Fujio right next to me. The sun is setting, lighting up our surroundings in a warm orange and pink. Fujio looks pretty. His tanned skin it lit up in gold. He looks gold. For all I know, Fuijo was spun from pure gold thread. “Tsukasa told me about it… You and that guy” He says

I already knew Tsukasa was going to tell him. I was always a bit scared of that, telling Fujio. Would he be one of the people that supported me and comforted me or would he be one of the people that blamed me for what happened? “Yeah…” I say hesitantly “It was… a lot”

I close my eyes silently waiting for some kind of belittlement or blame but instead, I feel someone stand in front of me. “Hey” Fujio says

I open my eyes. He’s standing in front of me looking down at me while I stay sitting on the swing. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself have you?” Fujio asks, hand coming up to take a strand of my hair between my

I flinch. That was a huge mistake. Anger flashes through Fujio’s eyes as does pity. I feel terrible. Fujio looks like he wants to ask me something but he doesn’t. What he does instead is crouch down in front of me. “Hey” He says, his voice is a little quieter now

I’ve never heard his voice sound like that. It’s new and for some weird reason, I feel guilty. Fujio is looking up at me from where he’s crouched down. The swings are pretty low to the ground so he isn’t tilted his head too far back and I’m not tilting my head too far down either. “You didn’t deserve that” Fujio says

He takes my hand. I know this was supposed to be something heartwarming but my heart was just beating so fast and I started imagining us getting married and having kids and having grandkids and— yeah I got carried away. “And I mean it” Fujio continues “I know whatever I say isn’t going to make it better or change anything that happened but you didn’t deserve that no matter what other people have been telling you”

Figures. Fujio knew what people were saying. He always did. “What if they’re right?” I ask

There always has been this voice in my head telling me that what happened was my fault, that I deserved it. I know I didn’t but, your mind tends to be your own enemy. Fujio scoffs. “Be fucking for real! You…” He tugs a little at my hand and takes the other one as well “...You are the nicest person in this shit hole that I know. You’re so nice to everyone, you may not be the smartest and you are a little stupid and slow but… You’re so sweet. Don’t fucking let anyone tell you it was your fault because no one except you knows what happened. Never, never in your life will you ever deserve to be treated like that.”

Not only did it make my heart feel like it was doing an Olympic-level gymnastics routine in my chest but, I think I finally got the validation I needed after everything that happened. Fujio did just call me stupid in the middle of it but that didn’t matter. Not now. “I’m so so proud of you for getting out of that relationship” Fujio’s thumbs rub along my knuckles, I think he felt me shaking “It doesn’t matter how long it took you, it matters that you did it. You’re okay or… You’re going to be okay. I promise I’ll help you and I’ll make sure that fucking piece of shit will never hurt you again”

Finally, finally I was comforted the way I wanted. I finally got to hear everything I wanted someone to tell me in the first place. Being told you weren’t too broken and you could still be healed felt good.

Hearing it from Fujio was really just a plus point.

—

❝Eyes meeting but hearts apart, it’s so sweet yet so bitter❞

—

Fujio was… Friendly. He was charismatic and very handsome so of course he’s had a bunch of girlfriends and talking stages and friends with benefits. A lot of girls liked him as well, many asking me to set them up with him. I guess in the end I’ll always be that one rare girl best friend that actually isn’t something to worry about. I’m not too sure how to feel about it. Sometimes it feels like Fujio has kissed everyone but me. Am I jealous? Of course, I am. Even now as he shows me a picture of the new girl he’s dating. “She’s pretty” I gush and nudge him, because if I don’t nudge him I might just kiss him

I think I’m a pretty good actor. I’m good at pretending that my heart isn’t tearing itself to shreds every time he talks about another girl. I should definitely win an Oscar award for these performances. I’ve never tried to make Fujio like me. Because I know he doesn’t and no matter what I do, it is no use. I’m not his type nor the one he will ever love. Love can happen eventually, I know that but Fujio will never love me, I’ve already come to terms with that. But even if I have, that doesn’t mean I’m over him. “You think so?” Fujio says with a grin looking right at me

I nod. It’s really all I can do.

One thing Fujio likes doing is try to set me up with his friends. Today, it was Sachio. Don’t get me wrong. I like Sachio, but not the same way he likes me.

Sometimes I think my unrequited feelings for Fujio is just karma for all of Fujio’s friends I have rejected.

Fujio tells me Sachio really likes me. I think at one point I did like Sachio. He’s sweet. Really nice and respectful and would definitely be a better boyfriend than Fujio ever would be. But maybe it’s just me holding on so tightly to my first love, only ever having my eyes on Fujio that I’m not ever able to look at anyone else. I want to. I really do. But at the end of the day I always come back to him. I don’t expect for Fujio to return my feelings I just… I don’t know.

Maybe one day I’ll get over Fujio, move on. But I don’t think so it’ll happen soon.

I hope it does. Soon I mean.

Because my hands are starting to burn from the rope called first love I’ve been holding on so tight to.

—

❝Ruinous imagination consumes me, makes me dream sweeter dreams❞

—

“You really wanna meet Sachio?” Fujio asks me

“I’ve already met him Fujio” I tell him

Sachio was nice. I wasn’t over Fujio but I could stay stuck up on him either. It wasn’t healthy and I knew it. I should get over it, I should try. Not only to get over Fujio but also what my asshole ex did to me. Fujio aside, I was tired of feeling so angry all the time. I didn’t tell anyone that I felt angry rather than sad. What if I tell them and everyone that was supportive of me starts calling me crazy too, or stop supporting me through it? I think my emotions were always something I kept to myself. I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. It didn’t matter to me who stopped supporting me just not Fujio, never Fujio. I might actually go crazy if he does. Honestly speaking, I think I already am crazy. I won’t be surprised if I go for some psychiatric test and the results come out with a diagnosis telling me I’m crazy. After everything that’s happened paired with my weird dependency on Fujio, I think I am crazy. “Yeah but, no you know he likes you” Fujio says “Are you gonna give him a chance”

We’re inside a convenience store. Fujio wanted to get something to drink. He’s standing in front of the fridge trying to figure out what he wants while I’m standing in front of one of the glass doors of the fridge staring at my favourite drink. I want it. But I don’t really have the energy to bring my arm up and open the glass door. It’s weird. I don’t have the motivation to even do the things I like. I want to stop feeling like this. I thought being here with Fujio would distract me from the feeling but I guess not. I thought my heart was only filled with Fujio but that void after my breakup is getting bigger and it hurts. “Maybe…” I say, staring at my blurry reflection in the glass

I look tired. I’ve always had eyebags due to having low iron and a shitty sleep schedule but now they were darker. My skin thankfully looks the same and isn’t dull. I think I should thank myself for being so strict about my skincare routine and eating habits. But the glow in my skin doesn’t matter when the look in my eyes just shows how fucking exhausted I am. It’s not really my eyes that I’m worried about. It’s my hair. I’ve always loved my hair. Everyone has. It was curly and long and Fujio really liked it. It wasn’t curly-curly with ringlets but more wavy-curly. Now it was kinda straight and a little frizzy at the ends. Oh. It feels like I was seeing my own reflection after years. I look like this? This is what Sachio likes? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more ugly in my life. To make things even worse, there’s an annoying pain in lower belly. I’m on my fucking period. “...Hello?” Fujio nudges me

I look at him then look away. I can feel Fujio looking at me. I want him to stop. I feel gross. Fujio opens the door and I watch him take the drink I was staring at. “You were just staring at it” Fujio says

Before I could tell him I don’t want it, Fujio’s already heading for the counter and he pays. Oh. I think I’m going crazy. “Come on” Fujio calls

I follow his words and go outside. Fujio’s already sitting outside the convenience store on the curb. I sit down next to him. “You didn’t have to get that for me” I say

Fujio shakes his head. “You were just staring at it… So I got it for you” He says and opens up the drink before handing it to me

I take it. “Why were you staring at it?” He asks

I know I shouldn’t be admitting it out loud, but I tell him anyways. “I don’t know… I wanted to get it but like… I don’t know. It felt like too much work”

Had I been making any other expression, Fujio would have laughed at me and called me lazy. But no. Instead he gives me a sad look. “You’re fucking depressed” he says

Wow. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. “H-huh?”

“Don’t h-huh me!” He says, mimicking my words

Fujio grabs the drink he just gave me and aggressively puts the cap back on. “You need help” He grabs me by my shoulders and shakes me “Why didn’t you tell me before”

I feel weirdly ashamed right now. Tears well up in my eyes. “I told you that I’m here for you. If you’re feeling like fucking shit then you should tell me” Fujio says

He takes his hands off my shoulders and now he’s holding my face. Something wet touches my cheek and Fujio’s eyes soften. Oh. I’m crying. This was more embarrassing than it needed to be. “You don’t need to pretend to be happy or a certain way around me. I’ve already seen you being weird and fucking embarrassing! So please” Fujio says, his thumbs wiping away the tears running down my cheeks “Please just tell me what you feel. Tell me when you don’t feel okay, tell me when you’re sad, tell me if someone is hurting you, tell me if you’re scared. Just tell me”

I’m shaking. Fujio just keeps telling me everything is okay, that he’ll make everything okay. It’s unrealistic for him to say so, even I know that but any kind of comfort, even the unrealistic kind sounds nice when you’re hurting. “I promise… I promise, everything will be okay” He tells me and presses his forehead against mine

I guess there was a reason I was never able to fall out of love with Fujio. When he does things like this, how could I ever get over him?

—

❝I close my eyes but thoughts of you bring turmoil to my nights❞

—

“Has anyone ever told you how obvious you are?” Tsukasa says to me

I stare at him in confusion. We were on the top of the temple. Yes, the temple whose stairs Fujio falls down on a daily basis. We were meeting his new girlfriend. This sounds horrible but I’ve already forgotten her name. “Huh? Obvious about what?” I ask

Tsukasa nudges me. “You like him”

My hands tremble. I didn’t expect him to say that. “What? No” I deny it immediately

The blonde boy next to me on the bench only laughs. “You think I’m an idiot? You’re really really obvious. You like him, everyone knows”

Um. What? Tsukasa sees my reaction and sighs. I’m not sure what face I’m making but I think it might be the same one where Tsukasa told me I was getting abused. Fun right? “No one has told Fujio about it but he does know”

This just keeps getting even worse. “What?”

I want Tsukasa to stop talking. I don’t want to hear anymore but I have to. “Fujio knows you like him. He’s known all along. But Fujio also knows you’ll never confess to him because you know he doesn’t like you back. That’s why he keeps you here with him unlike the other girls who have confessed and then got rejected” Tsukasa explains

I’m not to sure how to feel about this. I look over toward Fujio. He’s with his girlfriend further away. It looks like she’s arguing with him but he’s only smiling. I watch him reach over and he grabs her waist. Instantly she stops and her cheeks flush red. Or I think they do. I can’t really see far away and I don’t want to wear my glasses. You know anxiety and stuff. Seeing the world clear just doesn’t help and I think the 480-720-pixel resolution that is my eyesight really helps with calming my nerves. But right now it feels like I can see everything clearly. Fujio’s lovestruck look, his girlfriend’s shy smile. I can see it all. I wish I couldn’t. “He… Knows?”

“I won’t tell him that I told you. But yeah he does know. That’s why he’s always been trying to set you up with someone else because Fujio thinks you don’t deserve him”

I frown and look away from the two lovebirds. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tsukasa scoffs. “Oh please, we all know how much of a shitty boyfriend Fujio would be. I’m his best friend, I know. Fujio is to friendly and you’re still healing…” Tsukasa tells me “But okay, let’s say all that with that motherfucker from Shutoku didn’t happen. Being with him would make you so fucking insecure. He’s talking to new girls every day. He’s so fucking affectionate with everyone, you’d be wondering if he was cheating every other day”

Tsukasa was right. I knew he was. I thought about this before. Fujio wouldn’t be a good boyfriend. If there was ever a day that he maybe did like me back, it would be painful being with him. But still, I was still so fucking in love with him. I hated myself for it. “I know” I mutter quietly “I just can’t get over him”

Tsukasa next to me sighs and he rests a hand on my shoulder, lightly squeezing. “Try talking to Sachio more. I know him, we all do. Sachio’s nice. I’m telling you to use Sachio to get over that idiot over there but… Maybe you should try looking for other guys. You’re not gonna get over Fujio without actually looking” He tells me

He was right. Ugh fuck. Maybe I should talk to Sachio.

Why not?

—

❝Don’t wanna let go so I let go❞

—

Today was one of the rare days I was wearing my glasses. Fujio insisted on some bonding time with resulted in Sachio Ueda, Yuken Odajima, Tsukasa and Fujio’s girlfriend and me going to the movies. Now Fujio and I were waiting outside the bathrooms on the bench, waiting for all of them. I had sat next to Sachio during the movie, sharing popcorn with him. Fujio told he didn’t tell Sachio that I know he likes me. I guess now that I do know, things are pretty clear. I don’t know why I haven’t noticed it before. Maybe it was because I was too focused on Fujio. “Why does he like me?” I ask Fujio “I’m not pretty or like… Smart. There isn’t really any redeeming quality about me”

Fujio is fiddling with the movie tickets, his and his girlfriend’s. He looks at me, giving me a weird look. “You don’t think you’re pretty?”

I push my glasses up my nose and shake my head. “No. I’m not. I mean come on Fujio, look at me” I tell him

I guess I’ve always been pretty insecure about myself growing up. Especially when middle school started. My parents and relatives have always told me I’m pretty, backstabbing cousins and aunts say things to me out of apparent jealously. I pretended to think I was pretty when I was at home. I don’t think I’d ever be able to tell my mother how I actually felt about myself when she was always so proud of the way I looked, that I was so pretty. I think it would break her if I told her I hated myself— that I hated my face, my body, my own skin. I could never tell her. It was with my friends I could really spill out all my feelings. “Yeah I am” Fujio says “You’re not ugly”

I roll my eyes. “Uh-huh”

Fujio nudges me in the ribs. “I mean it. You’re definitely not ugly”

He leans over and brings his hand up. He’s so so close to me right now, I can feel his breath, see every pore and blemish on his skin— he’s still so beautiful. Fujio pulls my glasses off my face. I have told him many times not to do that. Taking my glasses off for me always felt so unnecessarily sexual. I didn’t tell Fujio it was like that though so he still continued doing it whenever I wore them anyways. “You’re very pretty, that’s one of the reasons Sachio likes you. But Sachio aside, you’re not at all ugly. You’re pretty” Fujio tells me and his other hand brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear “I’d never be friends with an ugly person”

My cheeks are no doubt red. But I play it off by punching his arm. “Fuck off” I mutter “Let me wallow in my misery in peace”

Fujio laughs softly. I want to kiss him so bad. “You are stupid though” he says

I hit him again and suppress the urge to kiss him. Fujio isn’t mine so I can’t kiss him.

—

❝will our eyes ever meet each others again?❞

—

I often wonder what kind of a person I would have been if I never met Fujio, if I hadn’t fallen in love with him. It sounds like a nightmare. I can’t imagine my life without Fujio. Maybe I’m just that much in love with him. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Sometimes I wish I was in love with Sachio instead. But now, sometimes has turned into an almost every day wishing as I watch Fujio and his girlfriend play around in the park while I sit alone on the bench. It’s 12:30 am. I should be going home. I’m not even allowed to be staying out this late. But I haven’t gotten any calls from my mom, maybe she’s already asleep. I say and lean back into the bench. There is something painful watching the person you love fall in love and be in love with someone else. Even more painful watching them receive it back. “Hey” Sachio sits down next to me

I look at him and smile. After the movies Yuken insisted on going to get some stuff because he hadn’t smoked in so long. Stuff meaning weed and next to me Sachio is smoking some as well, the spliff between his fingers as he leans back against the bench next to me. Yuken and Tsukasa are off to the side talking quietly amongst themselves while smoking and Fujio’s still with his girlfriend, pushing her on the swings. “You feeling okay?” Sachio asks me, taking a drag before slowly exhaling “I heard about what happened with the guy”

Sachio has always been the kind of guy everyone went to when they had some kind of problem. He was nice and gave really good advice. “Yeah… I mean… It’s taking a lot longer than I expected for things to get better” I say quietly

I started taking a lot of painkillers after my breakup, not just alcohol. Thankfully Fujio seemed to catch on and stopped before things could get serious but I still feel like absolute shit during random times of the day. “Well you can’t expect to get better overnight. Your relationship was 9 months… That’s a long time. So you can take your time getting better too” Sachio says

I turn my attention to his lips, watching them wrap around the spliff and slowly exhale. Sachio sees and grins. That’s kinda hot. “Wanna try?” He asks

I stare for a moment at the drug wrapped in brown paper. “I don’t know how”

Sachio’s red-rimmed eyes are saying so much but so little at the same time. I don’t know what he’s thinking. But whatever he is thinking is making him hesitant to do whatever he wants to do next. It’s a short moment before he speaks again. “Come closer” he says

I obey without thinking, the sides of our thighs pressing together. Sachio takes my glasses off my face. Haha fuck. He brings the spliff up to his lips and then pauses, still looking a little hesitant. “Inhale okay” he says before taking a drag

Sachio leans over and I don’t move. He takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger. He leans in closer, closer, closer. I can see his pore, the blemish, the moles, I can see all his skin up close. I think he’s going to kiss me but Sachio hasn’t closed his eyes. I realize he hasn’t exhaled yet so I have an idea of what he’s doing. Sachio’s lips press to mine but not to kiss. Well kind of. He exhales smoke into my mouth and I inhale. His lips feel soft. It feels nice. Sachio pulls away not too long after but I can still feel his lips on mine. I exhale, coughing a little bit. My throat burns but it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. “Didn’t know you knew how to do that” Sachio says with a little laugh

My face is probably red right now. “Uh… I saw Odajima teach a girl how some weeks ago” I mutter

Sachio laughs. “Of course you did” he says

He’s smiling hard. I wonder why he he likes me. I wish he didn’t. Sachio shows me how to properly smoke after that. He doesn’t let me smoke to much though. It’s not too bad but he says he knew I probably didn’t each much so I shouldn’t else I’d feel nauseous. It feels weird being high. I’ve drank but smoking was a new territory for me. I feel a little lazy. But not the bad kind. This doesn’t feel too bad. I have a feeling I’ll get an earful from Fujio later, he’s been giving me looks. Fujio doesn’t smoke, Tsukasa does. Tsukasa gets scolded by Fujio on a daily basis when he comes back smelling like weed. I probably won’t do this again. I look at Sachio who’s already looking at me. Maybe it’s the weed that is making me lose lipped but the next words leave my mouth like vomit. “Why do you like me?” I ask and regret it immediately

Sachio smiles. “Why? Do I need an exact reason?” He asks

Something twists in my chest. It hurts. I don’t want him to like me. Not because I like Fujio, but because I don’t deserve to be liked by someone as nice as him. I’m a horrible person. “You deserve someone better,” I tell him “I’m not fishing for compliments here but I’m not exactly the most extraordinary”

Sachio sighs. The spliff is finished and now all we’re left with is uncomfortable questions. Thank god I’m high or I probably would have ran into the middle of the street and got myself hit by a bus on purpose. “I don’t care if you’re not anything extraordinary” He tells me shaking his head “I like you and you don’t get to decide who I deserve… That’s for me to decide”

I want to cry. I want to so badly feel better again or maybe at least get over Fujio. “But I… I’m not okay. I probably won’t be for a while. And no matter how hard I try I… I don’t want you to wait for me forever Sachio. What if I can’t ever fall in love again?” I tell him, almost whispering at the end

Sachio turns his entire body and is facing me. “I don’t mind waiting” He says with a smile “But me and my feelings aside, you can take as long as you want to feel better. It doesn’t matter who’s waiting for you. Me or Fujio or anyone. You need to feel better for yourself”

I fumble with my hands while staring right into his eyes. Does being high make you emotional? I don’t know. But fuck I felt like crying. “How do I know if I’m better… It feels like I never will”

Sachio is smiling so softly at me. It makes my heart hurt. His hand comes up and he takes a stand of my hair between his fingers. “Your hair. Maybe when your hair is back to how it used to be is when you’ll be better” He tells me

It’s 1 am. I should be at home. But here I am, with Sachio— the boy that loves me the way I wished Fujio loved me. I wish I loved him back. There are so many things I want to ask Sachio right now but I don’t. How do you get over someone who was never yours, to begin with? Who do you blame when you’ve broken your own heart? I don’t say anything but Sachio keeps talking. “I’m not forcing you to love—like me back… Right now I’m just telling you to take your time and maybe love yourself first” He says

Stop loving him goes unsaid but I know he wanted to say it. At that moment in Sachio’s eyes I see something of myself. He looks at me the same way I look at Fujio. It hurts. I wonder if this hurts him as much as it hurts me. But here’s the thing, I could get over Fujio and maybe I could even one day love Sachio back. But I’d never be able to forget the feeling of hurt nor the thought that I may only be loving Sachio back because I don’t want him to feel the same way I feel right now. I look toward Fujio who’s wrapping his girlfriend up in his arms and kissing her forehead. It feels like pieces of glass are tearing into my heart.

Had someone told me being in with would be so painful I would have never fallen for Fujio in the first place. I look at Sachio and feel almost a little better.

Does he wish I get over Fujio?

Does he pray at night for me to love him back?

I’m not sure I want to know. Maybe my problem is that I love Fujio way more than I love myself. Maybe the day I start loving myself again will be the day I get over Fujio. Sachio’s hand comes up and he brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear.

It’s 1:35 am, I’m supposed to be at home sleeping but instead here I am; high in front of a boy that doesn’t love me back and sitting next to one that does. I feel ungrateful and cruel.

I hope I never break Sachio's heart like I broke my own.

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