#aquietrevolutionary

[bemusedlybespectacled]

okay, you absolutely don't have to answer this if you wouldn't like to, but i am very curious about the funny story about your best friend's suicide???

OKAY THIS IS THE STORY

so just for the record this was @aquietrevolutionary who I actually do still follow even though she died in 2017 but ANYWAY OKAY THIS IS UNDER A CUT BECAUSE IT'S VERY LONG

also, like, content warning for death/suicide/mental health stuff. obviously.

so, just for background information: I was roommates with her for almost our entire college experience so I knew her and her parents really well. her mom was very friendly but also an evangelical Christian who thought fantasy fiction was witchcraft, and her dad was also nice but an atheist libertarian who was extremely pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps. unsurprisingly, they were divorced.

I definitely played up the Extremely Modest And Conservatively Religious vibe I tend to give off due to my fashion choices and hairstyle when I was around them, so they also really liked me. this + the fact that I was her best friend meant that, at one point, she made me her emergency contact and gave me her parents' telephone numbers in case something happened to her.

[narrator voice] this was foreshadowing.

after we graduated, several things happened to tank her mental health that are too long to get into, but basically, she'd already been hospitalized once because she had an extremely active plan (as in "had bought a gun and was sending out goodbye texts"). so her having shit mental health was a known thing, but she'd been talked off the ledge at least once before. so when I heard from a friend of hers that she hadn't posted to tumblr in days and had skipped a planned D&D session, I called in a welfare check on the non-emergency line in her city.

that was a Saturday night. I didn't hear anything from the cops all Sunday. Sunday evening I called them back to be like, "Um yes excuse me could you let me know if my friend is alive????" and the cop who was on the phone with me was like "oh yeah, she's dead. do you have any contacts for her next of kin?"

oh boy DID I. but I had them in the notes app of my phone, and I couldn't find it & stay on the call at the same time, so I asked to call them back in five minutes while I found the numbers. when I called back in five minutes, the same cop said, exact words: "oh, we don't need that information anymore, someone's already been notified."

oh cool! they must have found her dad's contact info and already called him! (narrator voice: this is also foreshadowing) so I call him and leave a voicemail along the lines of, "Hi, Mr. Revolutionary, this is BB, Quiet's roommate, I'm so sorry about what happened." I get a call an hour later from him being like "hi BB uh can you tell me what in the hell you're talking about," because he'd literally just gotten off a plane from a vacation in Hawaii and the first voicemail he listened to when he got off the plane was an incredibly ominous voicemail from me.

SPOILER ALERT: HE HAD NOT BEEN CONTACTED. I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO TELL HIM SHE DIED.

I still do not know who the fuck the cops contacted, unless they meant that they'd contacted me, which 1) they hadn't contacted me, I called them, and 2) I'd literally only been off the phone with them for five minutes. I know it wasn't her job, her dad, her mom, her sister, or anyone else in her immediate circle. so like, all I can think of is that the cop got off the phone with me, ticked some little box that said "emergency contact notified" somewhere, and then immediately forgot the entire conversation he'd had with me five minutes prior.

so now – because I'm the one person that everyone who knew her also knew and I'm also the person who called in the welfare check and hey, I've already done it once! – I'M NOW THE DESIGNATED DEATH ANNOUNCER. so I'm the one who got called up by her job to ask where she was, and also the person who had to break the news to all our mutual friends, and also the one who sent in her death notice to our alma mater, and for NINE MONTHS AFTERWARDS I was STILL getting Facebook messages from people like, "Oh, wow, I didn't realize she was dead! let's talk about her for an hour, stranger!" because that's my job now, I guess.

BUT IT GETS WORSE

I took the weekend to go to her funeral, and like. I was in law school. I didn't have a lot of funeral-appropriate attire. so I was wearing my one black sort of business dress that's really thick and hot, and the funeral was in Virginia in September so it was basically summer, and I had to wear it to the airport because I wouldn't have time to change before the funeral. so I show up at her mom's house for the funeral pre-game dressed like, you know, someone who's going to a funeral, and everyone else is in, like. tie-dyed T-shirts and jeans. somehow, I managed to be overdressed AT A FUCKING FUNERAL.

BUT NO. IT GETS WORSE.

for the next...... hour? or so? I had a VERY awkward conversation with her mother on her porch about why she thought her daughter had killed herself. her personal theory was that she'd [sinful thing redacted out of respect for her mom asking me not to repeat it] and felt so guilty about it that she had to kill herself. (she had not-completely-speculative reasons for this theory but it was incredibly unlikely if you knew my roommate well at all)

and I'm sitting there sweating my ass off like "how the fuck do I tell this woman that not only do I know all the gory details of her daughter's life and can guarantee that what she thinks happened did not happen but also that I'm 99% sure the reason she killed herself is because she felt like she'd never experience sex or romantic love because honestly sometimes she was a little bit of an incel and yet also somehow maintain the illusion that I am an innocent neophyte who thinks bare knees are sinful and would never discuss such a thing???"

anyway I and her family and our friends all went to the funeral (which I found incredibly ironic because she was an adamant atheist and yet they kept saying she was "in the arms of Jesus"), and then my friends and I went out for Chinese food, and then we went back to our respective accommodations.

now, again, going to the funeral was an emergency situation. I wasn't exactly booking a vacation here. so I'd booked a $50/night motel room nearish the airport because it was cheap and available.

this was a mistake.

at like 4 AM, there's someone fucking banging on my door. it was a lady who was very clearly intoxicated (unsure if she was drunk or high or both but she was NOT aware), and apparently she thought that my motel room was someone else's, because she's like, "LET ME IN, BABY! BABY, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! BABY, I'M SORRY! LET ME IN!"

so like. okay. I've just spent the past week being Death's Telephone Operator while also going to my 3L classes and clinic and trying to write a eulogy for someone who doesn't actually feel dead to me yet. I showed up to this funeral dressed like Morticia Adams at a business conference when apparently the dress code was T-shirts and jeans and no one told me. I had the incredibly awkward experience of trying to not reveal every intimate detail of my dead friend's life to her fucking mother while also trying to give her support and closure. and now some drunk lady is trying to break into my motel room to find her boyfriend or some shit.

anyway that's how I ended up at a Waffle House at 7 AM, because my life was a complete shambles at the moment but Waffle Houses are a constant and I hadn't been to one since starting law school and GOD IF I'M ALLOWED TO ENJOY ONE THING THIS WEEKEND IT'S GOING TO BE FUCKING WAFFLE HOUSE.

[dontneedyourheroact]

i am simply a moment in the stream

dia de los muertos drawing for my friend shera, who passed away a few months ago. sorry it’s shitty, shera, u kno i’m still learning.

[sparxwrites]

As someone who's still paddling the Vax/Gilmore canoe, imagine Vax being like super into the sexy times, like he takes Gilmore like a fucking champ but THEN GETS /THE MOST EMBARRASSED/ like his face is a big red cherry any time Gilmore so much as kisses him, or holds his hand in public what a dork

honestly, this is so canon and real tho???

vax: can and has said “raw me daddy” to gilmore whilst laying naked and spread-eagled on their shared bed, without batting an eyelid

also vax: one time gilmore came up behind him whilst he was cooking pancakes for breakfast and kissed the nape of his neck, and he dropped the goddamn frying pan on the floor like the big bi doof he is

[sophiescarlet]

for shera.

TW: suicide.

I learned yesterday that a friend of mine committed suicide. I feel a lot of things, so I wrote her this letter to work some of them out. It ended up talking about me instead of her a lot, but that’s okay since it’s really for me, not for her anyway.

I don’t know why you felt you had to kill yourself. I wish you had known you could reach out to me. I wish you’d known you could reach out to any of your other friends. Or would that have made a difference anyway?

I know you always wanted to be closer than I did. I’m sorry, not because I think I did anything wrong, but because I know that’s hard. You were too much for me to handle, honestly. But you told me some really good, important things, and I’m grateful for that.

Last time we talked, you were looking at grad schools. You were going to get your MLS and become a librarian, like I did. I liked to think I played a part in that. I wish you’d had the chance. Frankly, I was never convinced that you would be a good librarian, but a bi kid somewhere out there would have loved having you in their library.

You were probably one of the reasons I started identifying as bi. I often disagreed with your social justice stances – you were too radical and too strident even for me – but your heart was in the right place. You were so proud of your queerness, and I was proud of you for it. Did it play a role in your death? Part of me hopes not – not another person lost to homophobia – but another part of me hopes it did. It would be easier for me to wrap my brain around than you succumbing to the demons in your head.

I have demons like those too. I wonder if you had a personality disorder, because come to think of it, some of your cognitions and behaviors remind me of mine, and my one friend’s who has BPD. If you did, would knowing it have helped?

You’re the first friend I’ve lost to suicide, but you probably won’t be the last. That’s the price we pay for having mentally ill friends, I suppose. And grieving is part of the price we pay for loving. It’s just hard knowing that something’s begun that I can’t stop.

It’s so inexorably strange that you’re gone. It’s all I can think about. I remember feeling this way when Whitney Houston died too. It’s such a paradigm shift, just knowing that that person was there, and now they’re gone.

I was thinking about you yesterday morning, you know, remembering one of your pieces of wisdom: that letting others help us carry our problems only works if we let multiple people in, not just one. You told me that when I was working through a really difficult period, overdependent on my partner at the time, and I thought of it speaking to another friend who does the same thing with his serial boyfriends. You really were so wise. One of the wisest people I’ve ever known, actually. Honestly, that may have been why I put up with you even when I found you cloying or clingy: I knew you’d have something important, something memorable to tell me when I needed it.

I’ve just now remembered another of your bits of wisdom: “Happiness is a fickle emotion, and constant happiness is an impossible thing to ask. You can find a job/home/family where you are content and comfortable most of the time, and happy when happiness allows itself to be felt. And that’s a pretty good place to be.” I screenshotted that when you said it, because I knew it was the sort of thing you only run across once in a great while and I’d want to read it again, and it’s been sitting on my computer since. I wish you had felt that way on that day.

It’s also weird knowing that your blog, the way I knew you, is just frozen in time like a fly in amber, or the Mary Celeste. That there’s no closure, no final post - it just stopped. It’s funny, and a little unsettling, that it will now forever have the icon I made you, of Rurouni Kenshin as a Love Live! card. Especially ironic since you didn’t even like Love Live! for reasons I confess I’ll never understand

In the end… I feel sad that you were hurting so much. But I’m glad you’re not hurting anymore. I know you don’t believe in God, but I do. I’ll light a candle for you next time I go to church. It will only burn for half an hour, a long way away from anywhere you’ve set foot, but it will be yours.

Yes, I believe in life after death. I do. I believe that someday – God willing, years and years from now – I’ll meet you again, or for the first time, technically. Until then, dance with the angels, my friend.

Viva forever – I’ll be waiting.

[windsroad]

@aquietrevolutionary replied to your post: i preordered that critical role poster almost...

Same though… Same. Like i justify it with the fact that there’s a spot on my wall that’s just begging to be filled but my bank account is so mad at me right now

haha yeah. and I'm gonna be worried about ruining it by putting it on a wall! so I'm going to want to buy a poster frame for it too! it's like, if you give a mouse a cookie...

[once-a-traya]

aquietrevolutionary replied to your post “so hands up if you thought getting a Real Job In My Field would...”

Hi! You're back!

sort of! i’m gonna try and check back more but i am reaally busy lately, so let’s see how this goes. hi!

[prokopetz]

Need a quick game recommendation! I'm looking for a one shot, that is playable with 3-4 players, free to play, and leans more towards being silly/fun than being serious. Any ideas? (And thank you btw, I'm strapped for time trying to figure out what to do for my group since we have to put the main campaign on a brief hiatus)

For fast, free and fun, it’s hard to go wrong with Pokéthulhu, previously plugged in the linked post. Short version: it’s a fully functional and remarkably well-put-together Pokémon RPG that swaps in chibi Lovecraft monsters in order to fend off Nintendo’s lawyers. Loads of fun, and Pikathulhu is adorable.

[fangirlingforeverz]

Shera: Ok Kat Shera: I concede Shera: I'm bored as fuck let's watch your rom com anime Shera: Or I guess cheese in the trap is a manga so an anime I guess

[animaniacal]

I was referred to you regarding a rurouni Kenshin musical performed by entirely women *chin hands* where can I watch this delightful thing?

Well, from my perspective, there are two options: 

You can buy the DVD or Blu-ray here at CDJapan, or here at Rakuten Market (blu-ray). 

Or I am usually amenable to putting together a showing, which comes along with subtitles ^^ But you have to promise to not try and take the video (I’ve been burned before...)

[justascarredman]

"one of them exceeded expectations by stabbing a Nazi through the stomach with a broken pipe"

And he follows it with the snarkiest comment. What an inspiration!

[out-there-on-the-maroon]

What's the deal with Doug and Allison?? I haven't followed that channel in ages but I thought they were both cool....??? I'm confuse

Allison explains here: http://allisonpregler.tumblr.com/post/108008749157/bye-ca

Phelous explains here: http://phelous.tumblr.com/post/108013883721/goodbye-farewell-and-amen-ca

Linkara has some things to say from the perspective of someone staying: http://atopfourthwall.tumblr.com/post/143914260318

More information: http://allisonpregler.tumblr.com/post/138330572147/how-come-everyone-just-doesnt-leave-ca-i-mean-i

A masterlist of sources: http://allisonpregler.tumblr.com/post/138328562632/theuncomfortabletruthsoflife

[bemusedlybespectacled]

so because it’s quarantine and I’m feeling Morose, I want to talk about death

whenever I look at articles about like, “complicated feelings about death” or “is it okay to talk badly about someone who’s dead,” typically the response is geared towards someone who was in an abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationship with someone they loved, like a parent or an ex. occasionally it’s like “my childhood bully who I absolutely despised is dead.” it’s never, “someone I really and truly loved and had a perfectly fine and mostly healthy relationship with is dead.”

and that’s what I want to talk about.

so, quick story: my best friend committed suicide a couple of years ago. I was the one who called in the welfare check, I was the person who first told her parents and all of our mutual friends that she was dead, I was the second person to speak at her funeral (after her dad). basically I was way more involved in the death process than I expected to be at twenty-freaking-four

and for about six months after, I got a lot of random people messaging me with condolences and whatnot. like, people I’d never met or heard of before, but they knew who I was and so picked me to talk to. I genuinely don’t know how many people did this, but it was A Lot and frankly I started hating every person who messaged me to say they were sorry for my loss, because they were just reminding me that she was dead.

one of those people was a friend of hers who I knew of but hadn’t ever talked to before. and she started the conversation with the usual “oh I didn’t realize she’d died, how horrible, etc.” stuff and then for some reason, I don’t know how it started, it segued into just straight-up dunking on her memory. every frustrating or annoying thing she did was just put out there. how emotionally intense she was. how she’d complain about something but then refuse to do anything to change the situation. how black-and-white her thinking was on stuff like relationships and emotional intimacy. even nitpicky shit like “oh GOD she always wore the SAME OUTFIT EVERY DAY.”

and seriously? that’s the one conversation I remember actually feeling good about afterwards. part of it was taking out my frustration at her suicide, but also part of it was being able to acknowledge that she hadn’t been perfect all the time. because she wasn’t! she was a human person with flaws! but it would be supremely unhelpful to respond to someone who just found out someone they loved is dead with “yeah, and also she was a jerk sometimes.”

I have a lot of complex feelings about her death. most of them are dark humor, like her absolutely whackadoodle funeral. sometimes I get angry at people who I feel are partially responsible, including myself. but it took me a while to accept that those other, more negative feelings that were directed specifically at her as a person are also part of the grieving process, and that she doesn’t have to have been That Bad for me to feel like that. someone doesn’t have to be a horrible abuser to be able to talk about their faults after death.

I’m thinking about this now partially because her birthday was two weeks ago, and partially because a lot of people have died, and are going to continue to die for at least the next few months, in a way that’s unexpectedly early and deeply unfair. and because we are all human, and humans are complex, everyone is going to have done stuff that was annoying or frustrating or unkind at some point in their lives. 

and my point is that it’s okay to feel that? like, you can miss a person terribly because you loved their sense of humor but also fucking pissed because they never fucking conceded an argument, GOD. if you felt that way about them in life, chances are you’ll feel that after death, too, and that’s okay.

[dontneedyourheroact]

What is the arcana?

it’s a dating sim that’s available for free on ur phone. u play as the Apprentice, a magician and fortune-teller who is powerful but inexperienced. you get hired by a Total Babe to solve a murder mystery where EVERYONE IS A SUSPECT (maybe it was the lady hiring you to solve the murder??? maybe IT WAS YOU??? it doesn’t matter bc the murder victim was a fucking disaster so tbh whoever killed him should get a medal). you can go by gender-neutral pronouns and all three romance options are pansexual

the three romance options are:

Asra, a fucking vagrant who seduces you and fucks other people IN YOUR HOME THAT YOU GRACIOUSLY LET HIM LIVE IN. he has a pet snake named Faust who is perfect

Nadia, the countess who hires you to solve her husband’s murder and will happily step on you. her maid is named Portia and should be a romance option but isn’t

Julian, the one who is fucking Asra IN YOUR OWN HOME. also he’s a plague doctor who wants a committed relationship with someone who will step on him on the regular

cons:

the story is incomplete

they recently added a mechanic where you basically have to pay to make certain minor decisions – for example, paying for an outfit you won’t ever see bc the Apprentice is never seen in-game, and paying for a love confession that will immediately be wiped from the Apprentice’s memory.

I’ve been able to flirt with Julian and Asra in the first 4-5 chapters but not with Nadia. like… I literally got this game so Nadia could fucking plow me but it’s whatever i guess

pros:

apart from the recent update with payment options, the game is free.

the art is gorgeous

Nadia will eventually tattoo her name on my ass and fingerblast me into oblivion

[isozyme]

I just made three calls to my state's representatives to deny Steve bannon as part of Trump's cabinet. I got voice mail on each (bc it's Saturday but I also work during the week so) but I think I left pretty OK messages at least??

fuck yeah, you rock!  voice mails are great.  look out, legislators!  we aren’t cool with neo-nazis in the white house and you shouldn’t be either.

(on a semi-related note, shout out to everyone with phone anxiety: calling after hours is a pretty solid way to make sure you can get your opinion heard without having to talk to a person.  also, faxes!  imagine your asshole senator as harry potter’s uncle vernon, dodging a furious assault by letter.  very satisfying)

thank you for calling your representatives and being another voice against Bannon.  i was feeling despairing today because i felt helpless and like all my actions were so small, but people like you and everyone else who has made a call mean those actions aren’t alone.  we can’t do a lot on our own, but when we all make a little noise it gets pretty loud in those government offices!

[sophiescarlet]

aquietrevolutionary replied to your quote “thank god i’m a lesbian”

u were queer even before you knew it

I SERIOUSLY WAS. The way I related to women, both in terms of interpersonal interaction and in terms of attraction, was always different, and I knew that, but I chalked it up to being ace. Seriously, SO MUCH fell into place when I figured out that I’m a lesbian. Like, hetero boys don’t listen to Tegan and Sara. They just don’t.

[katrani]

*rogue smirks back* I like the tower idea better, maybe that way we can steal some of their coin to boot. *rubs hands together gleefully* I can hear that gold jingling now...

i knew you were reasonable. *fingerguns* although, i don’t know how much of it is left....