#literally distracting myself from my whole life but at what cost

[tidepoolalgae]

.

[charmwasjess]

ooo WIP asks.

Your choice for one of these options:

Do you schedule time to work on your WIP regularly, or do you work on it whenever you feel like it/can find the time?

Do you usually listen to music while you work?

What does your creative routine look like?

If you could create an ideal space to work on this WIP, what would that space be like?

Ohhhh, this is so fun!!! Thanks for asking!!! :D If anyone else feels like sending something, the prompts are here! :D

I'll take 3 - my creative routine/process.

I get ideas when I’m out doing stuff, moving, usually when I’m running or gardening or doing something outside. I’m an active person, and I feel like the more I do and experience, the more creative juice I get.

Then, inevitably, I come trotting to tumblr and/or to a like-minded pervert friend with the idea held proudly in my mouth, like something stinky and dead I found out in the woods. Chatting or sharing helps me sort out the ideas I want to keep and do something with versus the ones I chuck back out where I found them.  

Actual writing time can be a fight for me because my day job is working as a writer (variety: boring) so it’s hard to sometimes want to spend all day writing and then sit down and look at a screen to write for fun. To counter this, I actually got into the routine of getting up early (around 6 am) so I could write for an hour or two when my mind was fresh, before beginning my work-work day. 

….this is infuriating because all my life I’ve heard the advice “if you just show up consistently, your muse will show up for you, get up early, be regular about writing, blah blah blah.” I hate that they’re right - it’s like how drinking water and doing exercise will make you feel great but at what cost?! A big decider in nailing down this routine though is that I have pretty bad seasonal depression, so there’s a chunk of the year where I can pretty consistently expect not to be creating, or not creating well. So I’ve been prioritizing the time when I can actually write and trying to make the most of it. 

When I’m close on a draft, I like to close all my distraction fun windows and read the whole thing through, often with a glass of wine and often out in my garden or some beautiful space. (I absolutely cannot write with any alcohol in my system, but weirdly, editing is different.) I try to relax and take my time with the document. I overwrite, so I ALWAYS have to cut a lot, and that just makes the process of culling it back as fun and gentle as possible. 

Then I post, and utterly lose my mind. :’D During the hours, even days hours after a new piece is up, I become a caricature of myself: pacing, sweating, getting upset over absolutely nothing, deciding the new fic is trash, crazily re-reading for typos. It’s a mess. Ideally, I plan my posting for a time when I’ll be out in the woods out of cell service so I can literally unplug and disconnect myself from the new thing.

Three months later, this rabid feeling passes and I can look at something I wrote objectively again.

And that's about it! Rinse, repeat!

[the-cat-chat]

August 10, 2024

Father of the Bride Part II (1995)

George Banks must deal not only with his daughter's pregnancy, but also with his wife's.

Warning: Review may contain spoilers. Read at your own risk.

JayBell: And we're back! Although we didn't love the first Father of the Bride movie, we were curious enough to want to know what happens next. And what happens next? A lottttttttttt. Some would say too much.

There's a bunch of little plots and conflicts that kind of go nowhere, and I would love for this sequel to have been simplified. Here's what I would have loved to have happened in this movie--the daughter gets pregnant, Steve Martin's character freaks out about being a grandfather and getting older, bring back Franck and the in-laws for the baby shower, daughter learns that her dream job is far away, Steve Martin's character is sad but encourages her to move away with her baby and husband. Bittersweet goodbye. The End.

As it stands, there is too much going on. Steve Martin's character did not need to have another baby, the house didn't need to be sold and then repurchased in this bizarre non-funny way, there didn't need to be a whole part about expanding the house (and staying in the in-laws mansion), and obviously, there didn't need to be such an emphasis on having a young, female doctor deliver the baby. Like what was that?? I would have cut all of that and gone back to the roots of the movie, which is the relationship between father and daughter.

It's like they had so many ideas and somehow wanted to include them all in one movie. So yeah.

Rating: 4.5/10 cats 🐈

Anzie: Sometimes, honestly frequently, I question my decisions and where they’ve led me. And this sequel might be in my top ten of my whole life. It’s not that it was bad- but it was surely painful. It’s exactly like Jaybell says. There’s way too much happening for whatever reason. Like having another baby at the same time (and then literally the SAME moment) is bad enough. It’s enough plot. I mean in reality that would cause so much family drama. And this is gonna sound terrible. But I already said in the first review how I don’t like Diane Keaton as an actor- but it was unbelievable she was going to be having a baby again. I’m soooorrry. And soo that kinda distracted me. And can I just ask where the little brother kept disappearing to?? And why no one was ever concerned? And can I just air the fact that I understand it’s the 90s but to have Franc design that “Babyland” room and it supposedly cost so much- it was ugly and just literally toys? Anywho def avoid the third part even though it’s like 23 minutes and triggering pandemic material with bad green screen zoom chats. Watching 15 seconds of that took the remaining bits of soul I had.

^ I’m gonna knock it down a point too bc I’m traumatized from this movie that I can’t bring myself to watch the new season of Only Murders in the Building 😢

Rating: 3/10 Cats 🐈

[carmenlire]

i LOVE your thoughts about the guards the tension really is so good like now their captain is going to be their prince? theyd be so happy for him and want to protect him even more :') so true the habits yeong has as a guard will def be present when he's prince and gon is so fond but also like: can u let the guards protect u. can u let ME protect u for once. yeong glares and says absolutely not. but gon does it anyway and ho-pil is just so exhausted. gonjo with kids?? theyd be SUCH good parents-

+ theyd be so protective and loving. and id argue that gon would be the most protective (not in a helicopter parent way) since his parents died when he was little, but now that he has his own lil family?? he's going to protect love and cherish them at all costs. and the guards have to deal with both yeong and gon when it comes to their children :') also pls write ALL your thoughts when it comes to gonjo or SE i always love seeing a big response it makes me so happy!!

I just think that there's a lot of (in character) fun that could be had with the guards being so happy that yeong and gon are together-- there was a bet going around? There Are Always Rumours so as the people closest to the captain and king, the guards would HAVE to know something (omg what if they have a separate group chat that's just 0 days since gonjo made us facepalm at their obliviousness dkdksjfgxsa).

and OMG! imagine the angst? SCANDAL?? if they're out and about and an incident happens and gon tackles yeong??? the media would have a frenzy!!! the nation's heart would swoon!!! and yeong is both annoyed that gon risked his own safety but also can't help but feel warm that it happened? (but yeah the guards are just like literally wtf is our job then pls let us protect Both of you).

oooh and you're so right about about gon, having had that experience as a child, would be just really Aware of his kids. also, plus, even if he's a king he's still a husband/father first and i live for him making it to all their recitals or games?? and they have at least one meal together a day where gon is engaged and the guards watch as the kids climb all over him and yeong and the whole palace staff is just really happy to see their monarch so happy (it's like an invisible weight has been lifted from him) and yeong, with his kids, just completely sheds the no-nonsense captain role and he laughs! he's caught in awkward positions! he's a total softie!!! (omg if one of the kids is playing and, like, skins their knee and yeong is the first one to go to them and he makes a little silly story to distract them and because the kid is afraid or idk plot reasons, he ends up wearing a ponyo bandaid too :') omg it would be so CUTE).

I also love the idea of gon/yeong being Those parents at first and the first time the kid goes somewhere without them, they both are calling the security team every 5 minutes with strict instructions not to tell the other lmao!!!

ahhh I just really love the potential of them:') I wasn't like this the first time I watched TKEM in the spring but idk when I rewatched it in September I feel like something in my brain just rewired itself lol.

anyway!! I wanna leave you with a few gonjo fics I really enjoyed and if you're ever in the mood, maybe you'll wanna check them out?

And It's Just Around the Corner, Darling

127k words. This fic has literally ruined my life. I've read it deadass like over 50 times since the rewatch back in the fall and I just think it's the perfect fic in general let alone just for this fandom.

and now good-morrow to our waking souls

39k words. This is by the same author as the one above and it's really fun!!! I really enjoyed the premise.

Did You Wait Long

8k words. this is pure fun and chaos and the first time I read it, I caught myself laughing out loud several times. I just reread it this afternoon and was smiling so much!

Open Like a Hinge

37k. This is the fic I mentioned last time? That came out of the same challenge around Christmas that the SE fics did. I LOVED this fic. I love the plot, the emotion, the narrative, the characterization. I think that the author did a masterful job of taking canon and wildly running away with it to suit their own purposes. I've already reread it and i just think it's one of the best fics I've read.

Algebra

11k words. This was one of the first gonjo fics I read and I really loved it! I ended reading everything that this author (and their pseudo writing partner) have written in the fandom (except for like one thing that I have bookmarked to read later)

The World Ends with You

3k words. this is a shorter piece and on the more comber side but it's beautifully written and i've read it a handful of times at this point!!!

[delusion-of-negation]

You don't need to respond if you don't wanna, or if you think this is too personal, since I'm just looking for varied opinions. As another disabled person, I've seen an uptick in people claiming ableist behaviour, and talking points are rooted in racism and white supremacy/anti-Poc mentality. Some claiming ableism is a direct result of other issues. Some mutuals have also claimed disability is NEVER its own issue. I'd like to know if sentiment is more isolated, or has become more common. Thanks.

people have their own bugbears - some people want the system ultimately to boil down to one The Man, be he capitalism, white supremacy, patriarchy, or something else, maybe not as the one simple sole reason, but as the core, as the worst, as the rot that could free us of other rot if purged. ableism is a spanner in every single one of those theories - right down to "bigotry is hating an individual for how they were born" types of sentiment. however, ableism is a severe systemic issue that isn't just capitalism, and definitely isn't just patriarchy or white supremacy. japan's heavy culture of work is ableist, for example. the people claiming every issue is just rooted in their bugbear don't understand how these things work, they don't understand intersectionality, and they're usually pretty new activists who are throwing themselves into a specific issue and connecting dots that don't connect, because they're hyperfixating on their new calling in life, it's something a person needs to grow past if they want to actually help however. because if you don't, you're simply another manifestation of the blindspot society has to our problems, another person saying at best that we don't know what's best for us and at worst that our problems don't exist. I've seen people claim that activism for the issues faced by disabled people is detracting from real issues, it would be racist/sexist/capitalist to not center their bugbear. the problem is that the whole point of intersectionality is to explain interlocking webs of systems, and no one person is equipped to comprehend and contend with the entire web, we do need to be able to have our own bugbears, one issue we can focus on and a different person can be trusted to focus on another, or else we'll overwork ourselves to the point of uselessness. the problem I'm pointing at isn't someone caring more about poc issues than an increase in the cost of living without disability benefits similarly increasing, the problem is people who say that you can't do that around disability issues, that you're actually wrong and it's all an obvious distraction from them, that you have to say "of course x group would be more affected..." whenever you mention the way you're unable to afford food, and I've even seen people say such things to people they didn't know were of x group. the system is multifaceted but we're individuals, so we need to work together apart, we need to work apart together. so yes, I've seen this shit, however it's not more common, it's more visible - when I was an activist in my teens irl, when I was still well enough to protest, it wasn't uncommon to meet young people like myself with those bugbears, heck sometimes older people who had got so fixated saying "have you considered homophobia isn't just capitalism?" literally set them on a rant, and from what I know from activists older than me who I'd talk to, things were like that forever. what manifestation you see of it online is the vocal people who make contentious or incorrect statements being blasted out by shitty algorithms that prey on outrage. it's not an isolated problem, it's definitely one activists have noticed forever, but the way it goes absolutely viral every time and the confirmation bias and closed subcultures formed by people who reinforce obsession with the bugbear of their choosing, that's definitely new and problematic because it's massively hindering the ability to work side by side. mutuals of yours are likely uncritically reblogging posts because nobody wants to be the person who adds "maybe the black guy saying this is just racism is wrong" if someone says ableism isn't actually real and is just white supremacy, with far more words to obfuscate that and confuse what it's saying, especially when it's going to result in a dogpile, and people saying you just don't get what's really being said, emperor's new clothes style. nobody is comfortable telling the emperor he's simply a naked ableist tbf.

[asoulofatlantis]

She is such a whiney dramaqueen. He literally jumped into his death to save her and then freed her from her prison knowing the possible risks and yet she stands here whining that Squall would kill her, like there is ANY reason to believe he would, even IF she would become controlled again. This is just the so called "princess" whining for attention yet again.

I get that this huge picture of Winhill is supposed to show what the town meant to Laguna... but... you know... shouldn't he have chose the part of Winhill were he, Rain and Ellone lived, instead of a picture of that part of the town?

^^' Squall... uh... has no respect for anyone if they haven't proved themselve worthy of it, right? I mean, he obviously doesn't know Laguna is his father (and frankly, I am sure he wouldn't care either way...) but this IS the Präsident of Esther and he has done A LOT in his life to save Ellone, the same girl Squall loved like a big sister, so... he could at least try to have a little bit of respect.

At least these days, he is aware of that. He should have been aware of that back then already... but... spoiled milk and stuff.

The part inside me that has been heartbroken thanks to a certain digimon ship is not happy about those words... but... thats a trauma for another day. Lets go and save the world first.

You mean aside from the prominent cheekbone, right? XD Jokes aside... no one told the boy about his parents, how can you talk so casually about him looking like his mother?

Your friends just spoiled the surprise... but... you know... Squall is totally indifferent to it, as per usual, so... whatever XD

This isn't even a stupid "damsell in distress" anymore, this is just pure utterly ridicioulus plotconvinience at this point. Rinoa, Irvin and Selphie can fight, Laguna, Kiros and Ward who are supposed to be there too as well and yet, your are going to tell me it was a thing done in mere seconds for Seifer to get his hands on Rinoa? PLEASE! (I know that, if you have her in your team he holds her at gunpoint to stop you from intervening, but while it makes more sense that this happened here, when everyone was distracted, how likely that no one outside was fast enough to notice Seifer and be on the defence?

Now we have finally reached the fourth and thus last CD of the game. This means its almost over.

I hope I can finish this as quickly as possible. I am so over this game at this point.

I only unsealed Items and Ressurcetion. No saving, no nothing else. So... wish me luck! XD

Thanks to an itenm called "Hero" that I had 99 of thanks to the fact that this part of We-Mod is still working, I made my character invincable and won the battle. Wohoo!

Now... I watch the ending and then I watch it again on YouTube so I can make screenshots because the whole thing is on auto-text now and I don't want to stress myself.

Squall ending up at Edeas house in the past was only to get some lats second information in. Like how Edea got the idea with the garden and how she ended up with Ultimacias powers. But it really felt unnecessary.

ALSO Squall ended the scene with saying he is not alone, as small Squall was feeling very alone and as we know, that was something that kept stuck with him for a very long time... BUT then he ended up beeing lost, only beeing fund by Rinoa after some horrible nightmare that almost killed him. The message behind that last minute panic drama is a bit questionable. I get the connection to her nightmare and I absolutly did cry and panic back then as a player because I thought Squall might be dead... but for a Squall that was always scared of beeing alon and now FINALLY understood that he was not, it should have been so that he immedeatly found his way back to not just loveinterest Rinoa but also his friends welcoming him with open arms.

I guess you could say overall the biggest issue of this game was that they wanted to push a really bad ship onto you know matter the cost. And it ended up ruining the game.

Would you look at that? Seifer is actually free and happy. After everything he has done. Did I accidentally along the way trade Final Fantasy for a Trails game without noticing? XD Jokes aside. I guess we could forgive him by just kicking him out from the garden, given how he was manipulated by Ultimacia the whole time too... I mean we did forgive Edea. So... yeah... whatever.

I loved that scene. It made me tear up and all... but it is such a freaking "HOW DARE YOU?!" - Moment, because they play freaking "Eyes on me" in the background. The Song Julia wrote for her and Laguna. This is... so damn freaking wrong!

ALSO... Pothole. Rain was burried as Rain Loire, because she got married to Laguna before he left. HOWEVER Squall is called Lionheart, which is Rains Maidenname. Not just easily confusing any player who hasn't got the message yet, but also making you wonder WHY they would do that other than plotconvinience. The only reason to not give Squall Lagunas last name, was to make it easier to hide who his father is, but in game, no one would have had the need to do that. Why should they? So, once again, it makes no sense at all top burry Rain as Rain Lore, but give Squall into the orphanage as Squall Lionheart. Especially since Ellone was with him the whole time. Why would she not disagree with that?

We also never see if Laguna and Squall managed to... you know... talk about things. It would have been nice (to would have spoiled that Squall is definitly alive) if Squall would have visited his mother grave with Ellone and Laguna. It would give this plotpart some closure as well.

Also... who comes to some party with a camera that is running out of akku in less then 30 minutes? It was nice tho to end this with at least some sort of closure for the other characters, even tho they deserved more than what they've got. A LOT more.

Look! I am usually all in for a nice little kiss-scene but with this ship... it doesn't feel any good at all. Because you just know, if this would be realistic... it wouldn't last. But I guess, if you play it for the first time, it is a nice moment, despite the ship beeing unshippable bullshit from beginning to the end. I guess all you wanted back then, playing the game for the first time, was that Squall was alive and happy. And I guess we got at least that.

SO.

The game is finally over.

I give it... honestly I think about 5 out of 10 points, but I guess I am a bit too harsh on such an old game. So give it 6 out of 10 points. Tho that is almost too nice.

[the-diary-of-red-beryl]

ramblings in my delirium

tw: suicide, mental health. this one’s more of a ramble, and not a whole lot of conclusiveness. i've currently also a cold, which makes my cognitive processing struggles a bit more difficult. still, i think i’ve discovered some new things about myself lately so here it is: 

if there was a phrase that i felt best described my life so far, I'd say that it's akin to being in a city of eternal night.

it dawned on me recently that I'd never felt happy or enjoyed doing anything once in my life. I've always felt bored, and especially at night, I'd feel existential dread. this has been the case for as long as i can remember. i can feel distracted or engaged from doing some things, but the moment it's done I feel no added warmth. for exercise, or learning a skill, or doing adult things like paying bills or finishing saving up for a big purchase, i feel the satisfaction of making progress or achieving a goal, but i ultimately don't derive joy from it. it's something that needs to be done, and it's good if it's done well. what this means is that it's something I'd do if I'm alive and forced to keep living, but it wouldn't be something I look forward to experiencing, I couldn't care less about any of it, especially if I contemplated whether to die tomorrow.

i was prepared for my life to end when i was seventeen. I couldn't see an end to the troubles that i was facing, or hope for a future where i might feel positively. it surprises me that five years have passed by since these moments, because these years feel f*cking long. i take some level of comfort in the fact that the world doesn't just crumble into non-existence at the whim of my mood, each day passes whether I will for it to or not. it feels like a sick joke to me really, that my struggles are a blip in the sea of primordial soup, in which the universe only cares for whether I choose to be alive the next day, and there's absolutely no guarantee that if I choose to continue that eventually I will see better and more agreeable days. I don't necessarily need to be here either, I'm not important. although i guess I'm technically held here against my will simply because the human body is insanely good at not wanting to actually die, even when it gets around to it. one of the richest emotions I've ever felt was insane fear staring at the noose i had set up in front of me back then. i already have an overactive emotional gut, but i quite literally recoiled in a stomach ache and was figuratively sh*tting myself and uncontrollably shaking. it does remind me that i wanted to use dying as a means to escape the pain and hopelessness that i was (and still) am going through, even at the cost of the potential to see life turn out for the better. that pure fear is probably the biggest reason why I'm still alive, and why dying is not something i consider anymore whenever i feel like I'm stuck again and ready to give up.

i do have days where I feel content, though it's more so a feeling that arises out of having my primary needs met like having food on my plate, a roof over my head and money coming in that I've earned for myself. it's not enough to make me look forward or want to wake up for another day, but these are the things that must happen should i keep living, is what i feel. i imagine when people say they feel content, it's that it's these things, but also that they have things they enjoy and can look forward to in the near future, something that keeps them going. i just feel numb. i can recognise moments when people would be happy, and i can feel happiness vicariously through others, i can also mirror happy facial expressions. but I don't physically feel any of it for myself. the warmth doesn't linger in my body, and i dare say it was never there in the first place. i smile out of social obligation to others, whether to build amicable acquaintanceships, or to show appreciation for a thoughtful gesture (an appreciation of a more transactional nature, objectively understanding that something is good for me without the added emotion of feeling "touched").

many people have close friends that they only see twice a year or so, but with whom when they catch up, it's like they've never left. a question that comes to mind for me when thinking about this, is what you're supposed to do for the six months between each visit. I think I'd really struggle getting by if I only had friends that I saw twice a year, given how much of a struggle it already is for me to just survive each day. i think that when people say this, it's because they already have other things in the picture that make their lives worth living, and these friends are an added bonus, which, I do think is the way it should be. i also think that what elevates these in-between periods is the feeling of family, a home with the warmth of people that care for you (and you them) that you interact with more frequently if not daily, and with whom you feel safe and secure around, and who help you recharge your energy as you go through your day-to-day life, although i do wonder whether you need to be close with these people. that said, i do think that what deepens a connection isn't necessarily how much time you spend with them, if you already have the right chemistry then twice a year is enough to maintain that, and i guess when or if your everyday life overlaps then you'd take up that opportunity together as well? i think proximity is a big factor in this case, whether that's living closeby or having similar schedules.

so suppose there’s an ideal friend out there for me, for my current state of being, assuming that i don’t feel happiness for the foreseeable future. it’d have to be someone that isn’t off put or stressed by me not feeling happy when we hang out or that i don’t enjoy doing things, who is able to find comfort in me just being there and what i bring to the table. i can provide presence, responsiveness, a piece of mind, huge interest in human psychology and emotional connections. i can be someone you share a meal with, and if you just need me there, i can share your space. i’ve almost described having a pet. it is something i’ve been considering, given it might provide me with the much needed oxytocin day-to-day, however i’m worried that i be able to consistently look after it, or worse yet not be able to form a bond (based on my history with people). but also, i think i see the difference here is that a pet doesn’t choose to be with you, but a friend does. to have someone out there get to know you, and decide that you’re the one they want in their life (because it’s you and not anyone else), that’s something i’m looking for. of course, the other alternative is i meet someone who manages to muster all these positive emotions in me for the first time ever, and they happen to appreciate that and want to be close, which may or may not happen. but i do think that either way, i don’t believe that i need to be without flaws to have friends (and my flaws aren’t particularly bad), it just depends on whether someone takes an interest in me and that it’s mutual. 

well, the kind of people i choose to associate with is fairly specific. foremost, i can’t stand people who intentionally choose to harm others, whether physically or emotionally, or resort to displays of anger, intimidation and control to get the things that they want. i also can’t stand people who display indifference or bystander behaviour when it doesn’t take much effort to do something good in the situation. then, i prefer people who are reliable and competent, who can get things done (this one’s partly due to me having trauma from growing up with unreliable parents, but also is a core value of mine), and can communicate well and navigate difficult topics, whether they’ve experienced it or not, and have the ability to empathise. i’m fine with the friendship being bumpy, and over time you’re meant to decide whether the friendship is well-suited and worthwhile anyway. but from there, i think what’s left is chemistry and things i haven’t figured out i needed, and chance. 

I've never experienced or been able to develop a deep relationship with someone else in which I could feel comfortable being myself in, and safely rely on. I can't say I've ever truly had fun being with someone, felt warm after getting to know them and really feel that from what they bring into my life (objectively, saying i had fun with someone means that i felt that our conversation flowed naturally and that we had similar values, and i would like to do this again another time to develop our friendship further). that said, i think i’ve gotten better at building and maintaining acquaintances or not-so-close friends, and seeming more personable. 

the question that is begged here is that, how does someone form a friendship with others if not on a basis of sharing joy? i think typically this would be the case, that people just naturally gravitate towards those that they enjoy being with, share common interests, and eventually build trust with and feel safe around. but for me, who doesn't enjoy doing anything and never actually feels ok, who can only mirror positive emotions in others at the cost of not being true to myself, it's a bit of a trick question. not to mention that i think and communicate in a way that is not neurotypical, and my obliviousness to some social etiquette makes some people rule me out as someone to consider getting closer to. the expectations to conform to said social interaction rules is a whole different story, given that it drains me to mask like that and feels wholly unnatural and unsustainable, and the nature of which doesn't provide me with any emotional markers to follow suit. a quick summary, as a teenager i heavily, very heavily displayed symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and i believed that my difficulty in building relationships with others was only because I didn't have the opportunity to do so and learn from experience of getting socialised. but now, having been able to meet and befriend many people, and see the friendships come and go, i realise that i struggled to learn the 'right' way to act anyway, unless someone explained to me subsequently what i did or didn't do, and why and how it affects others, because i really, absolutely, do not feel any emotions relating to when these things are done to me. i suppose maybe it's a bit like teaching a colourblind person to see colours like someone who isn't colourblind might see. but what i mean is that, i think people follow these actions and phrases to show intent, like expressing to the other person that their personal space is respected, or that they're welcome in the home, but to me, I don't feel any different if it's done another way as long as it clearly shows their intent (which i say i can read intent well at least). I'd actually add further that i think the intent in mind for these practices isn't necessarily the one they truly feel deep down, it's more so a desired message that they wish to send across, regardless of how they actually feel, something more diplomatic? I'm just theorising here, but it might be a mechanism that people use to establish the safety of space between others, close friends or coworkers or whatnot, and playing the game shows to others that you're on the same page on what the rules are, and the objective is to preserve both yourself and others. in the same vein, it's why i think I'm decent at tackling difficult topics like my experiences and feelings, or breaking down industry jargon and ideas into something digestible for any audience, but absolutely struggle with persuading people and influencing how they feel subtly through words and visuals or build morale and rapport, I'm not utilising that "space". i can feel emotions through others, and mirror what they express, and can predict their behaviour based on past experiences, but I can't accurately fathom what they're thinking or influence it well even through clear communication. i do recognise this as a skill that i want to learn because of its usefulness, although I would not use this if i can help it. 

a consolation prize is that i can at least feel comfort when I'm able to put my jumbled thoughts into words, although knowing whether I've made progress in choosing a suitable direction or solution out of it is a different story (i blame depression brain fog). one thing I've learnt in my years of navigating this thick brush of depression is that there's a lot of false alarms for when things might seem to make a turn for the better. after socialising with a group of new people, the mix of feeling distracted, engaged, and hopeful, makes me think that maybe I'm finally happy, but the distinguishing factor is that that "feeling" is so terribly impermanent, almost as though it's just something i conjured up for myself after desperately looking for its true form for so long. i think I'm just good at identifying moments where i should be happy (but I'm not), not that not feeling happy in those moments necessarily means that there's something wrong with me. sometimes it comes out later that my intuition was right that i felt that something was off earlier, for example i felt that i didn't click with the people i just met. that said, i too often do scratch my head when clearly nothing's wrong, but i still feel terribly numb. whether that's travelling in a new country, eating very good food, going to concerts, going for a walk, or meeting old friends. i wonder whether it's because I don't know what actually makes me happy, because it exists and I've yet to find it, if I just can't feel it at all, or i do feel it, but not in a large enough magnitude because my other emotions are greater in scale?

objectively, I don't believe that there needs to be a reason why certain people have different things that make them happy. the reason's trivial, it's that they feel happy first, and then later realise why that's the case. although for the more unfortunate, it would help to understand the reason first and subsequently try out things. for me though, both are hard because i don’t have any indications in the first place to help figure out where to go from there. the more helpful thing for me to consider is rather purpose. the dangerous moments are when i wonder to myself why i’m alive, whether there’s a point to any of this. the other day i settled on the idea that maybe someone out there needs to meet me, and specifically me. maybe meeting me will brighten up their life (and them mine), however far into my life this might be. i think it works, because it takes the focus away from what i want (because it’s as easy for me to stop wanting it and to prefer to disappear), and onto something more out of my control that i still kind of care about. but i still wonder what i need to do to brighten up the rest of my day-to-day life to make it more worth living and less painful. workplace adjustments, homelife adjustments, looking after myself physically and understanding more of myself, professional help (this one’s always hard and a work in progress given the financial costs, suitability and time availability of health practitioners and counsellors, etc.), but it still feels like i’m missing quite a bit. my current guess is that maybe i can start taking note of my experiences so that i can recount it back to that person later in my life? somehow it’s a lot easier for me to do things when it’s for someone else’s sake (though not just anyone’s). 

[alyosiuscreightonward]

Dear Diary. It’s been a few days now since I last spoke. Had to spend time with the family and do that whole St Patty’s Day thing. Yeah, I had some Guinness. So rich. So good, but I didn’t finish it. I felt my addiction issues were knocking on my door and so I just stopped and left the remainder on the table.

Lots of talking about life and all the advice that was given by them did me no good because they weren’t actually going to step up. Yeah, I’d like to move but who’s going to make that happen…? Y’all chipping in…? You know what else? A good therapist can cost how much for a fifty minute session? Yeah.

I did have a moment or two but I just started to breathe and it took a lot to calm down and center myself. Sigh. I spoke to a good friend and she said, “Better living through pharmacology.” True. When she said that, I remember that Nembutal and Carbatrol and a few others…🫣…that was the kind of pharmacology I liked. Quaaludes… The good old daze. Yeppers.

Meanwhile I knew that the universe was talking to me. I absolutely knew that something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was talking to another friend and on February 16th, she said that hospice care was being set up for another old friend who we used to run the streets with and that’s all I’m saying about that. Anyway, during this time, I did it again, I reached out to my friends and got little or nothing back from them. Damn it. “What got me all riled up?!” I thought, Jesus H Fucking Christ!!! You said that at any time I needed you, you’d be there and you weren’t. Just stop. Don’t.

I’m not that stupid. Life gets in the way. Look Motherfucker, I’ve been (warning you since…) actually waiting for you since…and I know that you’ve got shit going on and I just stay over here. I just started my meds and I have to go with the flow and see exactly how they are working out. I am quite well aware of how much we love each other and how hard we work on being friends and that’s really hard work. The cliché is right there, it’s either “…I sold my soul to the company store…” or “…that’s the sound of the men working on the…” and I also know quite well that “…we’ve been close but people grow and they sometimes grow apart…” and also we do reconnect and it’s a beautiful thing that we need to cherish. I have a great meme that talks about how checking in on someone is a glorious moment. I say hold it tight and enjoy the moment. Have it so close that you can close your eyes and replay that exact scene over in your mind for years to come.

The message I received was that on Thursday, March 16th was the funeral and it was really very messy. Oh, honey child. I do declare. Hot shitty boo boo mess. Let’s start with Exxon Valdez and now East Palestine. Yeah pretty much. When I heard that I knew all about “…how many good friends I’ve already lost, how many dark roads I’ve been down and how that can make a person blind…” I personally don’t want to be that person. I know that I’m needy and I want to say, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!! Listen to me you Swinging Richard, anger and resentment will suck you dry. A soul crusher.

Also I know very well that I can be like a vacuum and I can literally suck the joy out of you. Also I can be a great friend who can help by distracting you from things for just a second and you like it. I do make every attempt to be a good friend. Call me day or night and if I’m there, I’ll get in my car and do my best to come to your emotional rescue. However I will always reach out to you first and ask you if you’re available to talk and allow me to vent and not cry about, in retrospect, absolutely nothing. I rarely just call you out of the blue.

Though when I heard about the funeral, the first thing that came to mind was that I’ve made plans to get together with some friends from high school. It took some planning to make it happen but it’s on. I also know that I can and I will continue to teach you how to be vicious, caustic and acidic. You think that your pussy has teeth? Bitch please. After I’m done, you’re already chewing on your ankle in the bear trap trying to get away from me. My tongue is so sharp it can and will clip the hedges. No need for a weed whacker, just let me at it. Well within that grey area, I can easily love you like nobody else. If for one second you think your family or friends are going to love you like I love you, then you’re sadly mistaken. Trust. I’m like that Trollope, Goldilocks, I can give some, I can give you the best of my heart or I can give you a tear in the time continuum where you never existed.

Then again you may not ever know how much I beat myself up for being a douche canoe. I have destroyed a few people and their lives. One guy was supposed to love me but he was a whore and he fucked and got sucked by men and women. If it had an orifice, he’d probably put in there. I promptly went on a rampage and the guilt I felt afterwards, I ended up on a 72 hour watch in a hospital. Then there was another guy who I had loved but I knew he was not for me and I thought we had that understanding. I had helped him out by telling 5-0 that I felt that there assistance would not be prudent at that moment because he could be charged with something like solicitation and I was not going to allow that to happen. Anyway, we spent some time together and I told him that I loved him and he apparently took it the wrong way. I turned on him. Absolutely no remorse. Again, the guilt I felt. I went down and almost died. I sincerely tortured myself. Sigh. In the past few years, I learned he was alive and doing well. The mutual friend said that he had no use for me and could not care any less than he already did not care if I was dead or alive. Plus I’ve fucked up shit and then it hit me: NEXT??!! NEXT??!!

Now that the tables are empty as are the chairs, we must take a moment and be there. Fuck me. Empty chairs. Empty tables. Don’t. Just learn the difference between friends for the road and friends for the heart. Dude. At the same time, you should also consider that there are so many people who fall into the category of being a friend for a reason, a season or a lifetime and I then think about the first woman who I loved. I still love her but I learned a very hard lesson and I’m better for it. I randomly text my first boyfriend because I can. We’re good now.

I really don’t care about your excuses. If you’re going to be a good friend then do it.

[zukotheartist]

Hiii :) i need a bit of help

(Ik i said i wouldnt do rant posts here but this one is also advice seeking? So we'll let it slide this time)

It's about uni and mental health and jobs, etc and just overall oversharing lmao. Feel free to skip ofc lol but if anyone has some advice/opinions to share, im all ears.

Basically, i just really don't know what to do with my life💀. I even took a gap year in between hs and uni to decide and ig it still didnt work😭.

I'm in uni studying languages (mandarin, portuguese and japanese) and the language part is going well so far, I guess? (And I do like it!). I even like a few of the other subjects (some of them i only have them for 1 semester so theyre not major subjects) but i really just cant handle it???

I wasn't happy with my choice in the sense that I think my job prospects after uni won't be great but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle anything else (im terrible at stem and most high-paying jobs require it lol + i have depressive episodes 24/7💀 and im pretty sure i have adhd*). But even picking smth i like and am not terrible at (not great at either but at least it's not math lol) im not able to handle it???

I was trying really hard at first, i didn't want to fuck this up, but the rhythm needed is just... way too much for someone who stuggled all throughout hs and has shit mental health.

I managed to work hard for a bit (studying everyday after class, doing 8hr study sessions during the weekend, revising quickly while waiting in line, etc) but then i let loose (or even went full days/weeks with minimal amount of studying) bc it was so overwhelming and now im cramming like 2/3 months worth of 3 different subjects and my exams are in Jan/Feb (the first available dates on the 10th) and ill be lucky to pass a single one of them with the speed im going at.

Even on days i get up early to study and barely even look at my phone, it's just too much stuff and im not fast enough + i lack a lot of things bc of my slacking off in hs.

I go to uni in Italy and if you fall behind u have to pay more but ig it's better than putting all this effort and most of all money to then just drop out and be left degreeless?

But I feel so freaking terrible bc i literally dont even work part-time or anything and i still live with my parents and theyre the ones paying for all of my stuff basically? So to add a higher cost bc i couldnt keep up with uni🥲 but then, if i take a part-time job, ill be making some money but uni will be going even worst and itll still be a waste of money???

I've talked to multiple therapists/psychiatrists, asking them even for LIGHT anxiety meds and *all* of them have refused (I also made it clear that I would still go to therapy even if I got meds but nothing).

Studying calms me down a bit but even tho ive started doing it daily again and for hours on end, im still akskdkdkrkr

Ill talk to my family and my therapist but i honestly dont know wtf to do with my life. Ik the whole "dont cry over spilled milk" thing but i really wish i could re-do hs to not be in this fucking mess.

It doesn't really help that my only goal in life is to make a lot of money bc i think ill be alone (both romantically and platonically) forever but with the way it's going, ill be lucky to get a minimum wage one (im not saying it as a diss, those are respectable jobs too but like i said, my only goal is to make money so i can live comfortably and distract myself from my depression lmao).

This is all very specific and i doubt anyone responds (let alone reads) but if anyone does read, tysm for reading this sad long rant🫂🫂🫂. I pretty much wont be able to see my therapist until just a bit before my exams so this was also my way to let out some frustration.

.

.

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*Ive tried to get an official diagnosis, and it's fine if im wrong ofc, but i was immediately denied and told that couldnt be it... bc of my age lmao💀

[gale-gentlepenguin]

ML What If: Part 2 (Alt Volpina)

(Previous)

(What if Marinette didn’t expose Lila in Volpina?)

- Fu had not planned on meeting both Adrien AND Marinette on the same day. But he still got them both Tea.

-After Plagg popped out, the cat, was literally out of the bag. Tikki and Plagg sitting on the shoulder of their respective chosen now.

-Both teens were looking at each other, trying to process this unintentional reveal. Its clear they both want to say something, but don't know what to say. Thankfully Fu is there to cut the awkward.

-Fu however, was also processing his plan not going as well as expected. But honestly, he isn't too broken up about it.

-”Seems it can't be helped. You both know I am the guardian, and you both know each other’s identities.”

-Marinette was first to speak “So does that mean we have to give up being heroes?”

-Adrien iterates that he promises not to tell anyone about it.

-Fu eases them both. “I did choose you both for a reason, and you finding out the other’s identity is more my fault than either of yours. As long as no one else finds out your identities, I believe we should be fine.” (Fu’s whole bit with the identities was so less people would be involved. Having one’s identity public would put more then just themselves in danger. But, right now it would be MORE of a risk getting new heroes, and having them stay out knowing his identity.)

- Fu does ask how Adrien did know to come to this place. Which Adrien explains he had a book that Plagg wanted to show him. He opens his bag and finds it missing.

-Adrien freaks a bit (because that was his father’s book) but Fu then reveals the book. And Adrien looks relieved.

-Marinette had brought the book.

-So Adrien asks why Marinette had it?

-Marinette flustered, confesses that she saw him in the Library and Tikki saw the book. They noticed Lila take it, and followed her. Then they took it when the two were distracted, because Lila tossed it in a garbage nearby.

-Adrien comments that it explains how Lila suddenly had a miraculous looking necklace. She tried to copy it from the book.

-”Well it definitely is a fake. I didn't hand out the fox miraculous.” Fu commented. 

-Fu asks if Adrien revealed anything to this ‘Lila’. Adrien swears he didn't.

-Marinette apologizes for taking the book, explaining Tikki insisted they take it to the guardian. (Also is relieved that Adrien didn't believe Lila’s Lies)

-Adrien forgives her, even saying he knows Marinette wouldn't do something like that without a good reason.

-Fu hands the book over to Adrien, asking if he can sneak the book occasionally to him. Adrien comments he isn't sure if his father would allow it.

-”So this is your father’s book.”

-”Yes... I wasn't suppose to take it. Plagg found it.”

-Marinette suggests making copies of it. Which they do. Fu gives marinette his contact information. Adrien says it would be best if just Marinette had it. Nathalie might get suspicious about random phone numbers on his phone.

-Fu agrees. And Just like in Canon They make copies.

- Fu does ask why Adrien’s father has such a rare item pertaining to the miraculous. Adrien says he isn't sure. His father was very secretive...

-Fu comments that he should keep an eye on his father, he could perhaps know about guardians and be an asset, or could be working with Hawkmoth.

-Adrien states that his father would never...

-”Do you know what the Ladybug and Cat miraculous are able to do together?”

-Adrien and Marinette both look confused.

-Fu explains that both miraculous together can be used to grant any wish.

-”A wish?”

-”With a cost, but yes.”

- He tells them both that the wish is NEVER worth the cost, and that they should never use it.

-News of a meteor sets off notifications on their phones.

-Marinette and Adrien quickly transform. They take a second to realize, Yep, they do know their partner’s identity now (Cue blush). But the meteor does get them to focus on the task at hand.

-By the time they get there, Volpina had ‘Saved the day’

-Since Ladybug and Chat noir had just met the guardian, and a Fox miraculous hero just CONVENIENTLY showed up.

-Plus Fu already told them he never gave out that miraculous. So instant akuma.

-Ladybug and Chat noir don't know what her abilities actually are tho, so they decide to ‘Play along’.

-They ‘Pretend’ like she is totally a heroine. And they ask her what her power is.

- Same lie about super strength and Flight. Which they both know is a lie.

-They see the Hawkmoth mirage, and they are sus of it but no proof.

-They get split up, and just like in canon, Ladybug figures out the power is illusions.

-Adrien/chat noir does try his plan like before. (The interaction with Volpina is basically the same. But Volpina is less about proving Ladybug wrong (since she has no qualms with Ladybug at this time. More of trying to show Adrien.)

-Ladybug interrupts, Adrien is also much more insistent that his and Lila’s  ‘get together’ wasn't a date.

- Adrien escapes and transforms into chat noir. Volpina takes the fake Adrien.

-Ladybug was about to go after him but stops.

-”Oh right... that can't be Adrien.”

-”But Lila doesn't know that.”

-So Ladybug and Chat noir prepare a plan.

-They pretend that Volpina has Adrien and act like they will hand over the miraculous, But then fake out. They take the akumatized item from vulpine

-Lila is no longer volpina. No use of powers needed (one because illusions didn't cause any harm. and two, they were able to trick her)

-Chat noir tells Lila that she doesn't need to pretend to be a hero. She just needs to be a good person and be honest. They take her down from the Eiffel Tower.

-This actually annoys Lila, but she says she will think about it. Still grumbling about what happened. She does now have a story about how the heroes of Paris saved her. So she has no animosity towards Ladybug and Chat noir. So Hawkmoth doesn't bother focusing on her as much.

- Ladybug and Chat noir do go to the roof of a building, in order to “Talk”

-Ladybug tells him she is surprised that he is Chat noir. Not that she doesn't think he can be heroic, just that he is much more ‘Calm’ as Adrien.

-”Well, Chat noir does let me change my hair style, and be a bit more free. But I still love puns the same way.” He chuckles. “Glad you think I am heroic”

-Ladybug does realize, she has all these notions on what Adrien is, and all these Notions on who chat noir is. Now she is realizing some of those ideas are wrong. They are both actually really similar, because they are the same person. Just that her perspective on them was different. Amazing what a mask could do.

-”In hindsight, I am kicking myself for not seeing it sooner.” Chat noir answers.

-”Your hair style is the same.”

-Ladybug laughs at the lame joke.

-”But really, you are pretty much the same person with the mask on. Though maybe a bit more on the clumsy side.”

-Ladybug answers she doesn't have super human agility to catch her fall.

-”Don't worry, I will be there to catch you.”

-Ladybug looking at chat noir, giving his genuine smile. Yep, that was Adrien. Her face was red.

-”This is going to be harder now.”

-”Probably but we can cover for each other now. We can also communicate better. I can see you in school...”

-Chat noir realizes all of the things he did around Marinette as Chat noir, as well as how he tried to help Nino win over Marinette.

-”Just for the record... you aren't interested in Nino right?”

-”He is with Alya, but even if he wasn't, I already have someone else in mind.”

-Chat noir went red, now insanely curious.

-”W-Who is it?”

-Ladybug booped her partner’s nose.

-”Another time Kitty, we should head home.”

-They both say their good byes and head home.

- Ladybug and Chat noir transform back into civilians.

-They lean against the wall and slowly drop to the floor. both thinking the same thought.

-”The love of my life is my crime fighting partner.”

[iwantescapism13]

Sasha : So what do we do now?

Marcy : I... I don't know...

Sasha : "Don't know"? Not sure that was ever in your vocabulary, Mar-Mar.

Marcy : Because... *gestures to Anne's unconscious body*

Sasha : That's precisely why we should get out. That stupid thing is gonna get her. Gonna get US.

Marcy : I KNOW THAT! *immediately covers mouth* Oh crud...

Sasha : Marcy...

Marcy : I-I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... *crouches and hugs her knees*

Sasha : *sighs* We'll figure something out.

- a long pause -

Sasha : You know... Anne... when she came back to Wartwood... she punched me in the face.

Marcy : *looks up* ...what? Why?

Sasha : She thought that I was trying to be in control again, making Wartwood my "slaves". That idiot... does she seriously think I have time to do all that when Andrias is practically destroying all of Amphibia? Does she really think I'm not capable of change? I mean... I LITERALLY offered my life to protect her beloved village while she's away. And that's how she repays my kindness?

Marcy : To be fair, you betrayed her twice.

Sasha : ...yeah. I guess so. But still... I was her best friend for years! Surely that should count for some faith.

Marcy : Again, you weren't exactly a very good friend. You manipulated her. Basically bullied her. And well... that wouldn't make me any better. I... I didn't protect her.

Sasha : Okay, I'm just now realizing that this isn't very comforting. I'm sorry, Marcy.

Marcy : Sasha Waybright... are you... apologizing? If I weren't in my own mind, I'd think you're some kind of clone that The Core created.

Sasha : Hey! That’s an idea. Why don’t you clone yourself? Distract that monster for a bit.

Marcy : No. That won't work. It'd know it's not me. And it takes a toll on my brain. Just imagining it is enough to fry it like an egg.

Sasha : *groans* Ugh! This is so stupid!

Marcy : Yeah. I'm stupid.

Sasha : Hey, hey. I-I didn't mean it like that, Mar-Mar. Sorry.

Marcy : Wow... you've been apologizing for a while. Wartwood really changed you, huh?

Sasha : *chuckles* You could say that. I guess... it's because it's a place that Anne really treasures. And... I just... want to make things right. I want to make it up to her. Be someone better.

Marcy : That's very nice, Sasha.

Sasha : Thanks.

- a long pause -

Sasha : You can be better too, you know. It's not like no one's giving you a chance.

Marcy : Are you? Last time I checked, you were never a fan of my idea of being transported here in Amphibia.

Sasha : Well, duh! Killer herons?! Also, in case Anne didn't tell you, I was imprisoned. For 3 whole weeks! While you and Anne were enjoying your time in your villages and cities and whatnot, I was trying my best to survive on my own. And I thankfully did... but... at what cost? I got worse. It encouraged my bad habits.

Marcy : And led you to rebel and betray Anne. *sighs* All this... is my fault. I... shouldn't have been so selfish. I'm so sorry, Sasha.

Sasha : It's okay, I forgive you. And I speak for Anne too, by the way. There's no way she'll stay mad at you for very long.

Marcy : How could you be so sure about that? I... The Core is right... because of me, she almost got killed so many times. And from what I remember, you almost died too! Don't you... don't you hate me for that?

Sasha : Sure. I did.

Marcy : See.

Sasha : BUT! That was at first. Anne was right. We grew here in Amphibia. And... it's all thanks to you, Mar-Mar.

Marcy : Sasha... both of you almost died. I... I don't know how I could ever forgive myself for that...

Sasha : Marcy... you've got to forgive yourself. Anne would say that too, I bet. So what if we almost died a couple of times? Life's just like that, isn't it? Sometimes, we just gotta experience almost dying to really learn to appreciate living.

Marcy : But the fact is--

Sasha : *grabs Marcy's shoulders* Stop it. Okay? I'm fine. Anne's fine. Well... *looks at Anne's unconscious body* she definitely has to be, underneath all that. You know what I mean.

Marcy : *starts to tear up*

Sasha : *shakes Marcy's shoulders* Hey! Hey! Keep it together. Anne's alive. She's going to be fine. Okay? Don't... Don't cry.

Marcy : *closes her eyes to stop the tears and nods her head*

- a long pause -

Marcy : D-Did it hurt?

Sasha : What?

Marcy : When Anne... punched you.

Sasha : Oh yeah. Definitely. She was using her powers even.

Marcy : Really? She was that mad?

Sasha : Yeah.

- a long pause -

Sasha : Don't worry. It took me so much power not to instinctively retaliate but, I successfully stopped myself.

Marcy : ...what?

Sasha : After Anne punched me, I didn't attack back. So she's fine.

Marcy : I... I didn't... ask...?

Sasha : *shrugs* I'm just letting you know that I didn't hurt your precious girlfriend.

Marcy : *blushes* W-What?! W-W-What are you talking about?! S-She's not--

Sasha : Oh come on. Cut the crap, Mar-Mar. She likes you. And you like her back. Match made in heaven, I'd say.

Marcy : *blushes harder*

Sasha : You should've seen her back in Wartwood. When she found out from General Yunan that you have been possessed, she went bonkers. Totally dedicated. She was in every war meeting and discussions, devising plans on how to get here in Newtopia Castle without Andrias knowing... and from what I remember, she said she killed off a robot back home? I don't really know the full details. But she said she did. And--

Marcy : Wait... King Andrias sent a CloakBot back home?!

Sasha : That's what I heard.

Marcy : But... but how?! How's that-- oh... the... the Calamity Box. *gasps* Sasha! That's it! The Calamity Box!

Sasha : ...huh?

Marcy : Maybe... Maybe if we could get the Calamity Box and change the calibrations, we could drain enough energy from the gems to power up the castle just enough so no one would notice and at the same time, have our powers back!

Sasha : Uh-huh. And how exactly do we "drain" the energy from a stone? And how are you so sure that we'll get our powers back?

Marcy : I... I don't know. I'm not really sure it'll work. It's... risky.

Sasha : *stands up* What do I have to do?

Marcy : H-Huh? Wait, wait... I just said it's risky.

Sasha : We're in Amphibia, Marcy. Surviving another day alone is risky enough.

- suddenly, Sasha's figure becomes more and more transparent and Marcy notices. She looks over at Anne and she also appears the same -

Marcy : *gasps* W-What's going on?!

Sasha : Huh? What?

Marcy : Your hands! Your entire body! And Anne too!

Sasha : *looks at her hands* Oh crud... *looks at Anne and tries to grab her body but to no avail* Marcy! What's going on?!

Marcy : I-I really don't know!

- The Core crushes the wall of columns that Marcy created earlier -

The Core : You are testing my patience, host.

Sasha : Oh damn it. Now that thing's here. All I've got to protect you with is this sickle... *tries to grab the sickle but her hands just passes through* ...and I couldn't even touch it. Great.

Marcy : No... wait! This is good. That means that The Core can't touch any of you either.

The Core : But YOU are still physical.

- The Core uses one of its mechanical arms and grabs Marcy by the head -

Sasha: *gasps* NO!

Marcy : *gets electrocuted and screams in agony* AGGGGHHHHH!!!

Sasha : MARCY!

Marcy : *drops down to her knees*

- smoke fades out of Marcy's head from the electrocution -

Sasha : MARCY! *attempts to touch Marcy's shoulder but her hands passes through* God damn it! Marcy! Are you okay?

Marcy : I... I'm... fine...

Sasha : Okay, that's a dumb question. Of course you're not. God damn it! I don't know what to--

Marcy : Listen... Sash... I... know what to do now. You... need... to listen... carefully.

Sasha : Y-Yeah, yeah. I'm listening. Go on.

Marcy : The... The Calamity Box... it can be... unlocked...

Sasha : ...what?

Marcy : The... combination... is... BRG... GBR... RGB...

Sasha : B... R... G... w-what? What does that mean?! I don't understand!

- Sasha notices that her hand is completely gone. Looking down at her body, her lower half is also gone -

Sasha : Wait! I don't understand! Marcy! MARCY!

Marcy : You... can do it, Sash. Take care... of... Anne... for me...

Sasha : MARCY!

- Sasha and Anne completely disappears from the mindscape -

--

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Final

[7soulstars]

hey there. I don't know if you are taking requests rn so if you don't just ignore this one. I was hoping if you could do various avengers x reader .. reader has the ability to manupilate emotions , she can take away emotional pain, negativity and sadness from anyone and replace them with relief, positivity and peace, by simply hugging the person! every avenger turns to her after a mission for cuddles and comfort, you can take it from there if you like! thank you💞

 Hey darling ! Thank you so much for requesting! I really really love this request it’s really so adorable oof- I made it into a fic and I hope you like it! Anyways, lets get straight into into it !!

Euphoria

Pairing: Avengers x Avenger! Reader

Warnings: Little like really little angst, Hydra, Overwhelming fluff, Half the Avengers act like literal babies around Y/N . I HAVE ALL THE AVENGERS SAFE AND ALIVE IN THIS AND AVENGER LOKI !! Ooc characters??

Summary: Sometimes even the empath needs empathy but she refuses to say it

............

Euphoria ; the experience of excitement and intense feelings of well-being and happiness.

A silent motion walks down the streets, a silent motion called The Empathic Soul that was involved with them, The Avengers. While the rest protected, she distracted, like a guardian of the common folk who had never seen her. They wouldn’t know, but they praised, thanked and loved. Every time there was pain, there was war, there was casualties, she was there and they just knew it. They looked around but couldn’t guess. The sudden wave of calmness replacing their sorrow and panic distracting their attention from her, their silent protector.

That was what the world had named Y/N, The Empathic Soul as she watched the title flash on the TV screen at Stark towers as she sat beside Vision who was failing to crochet no matter how hard he tried. Y/N wouldn’t consider herself a hero, she didn’t fight bad guys although she was very capable of doing that, she didn’t go and almost get herself killed for the sake of getting rid of ‘pests’.

But she was an Avenger ? Yes. She was, but she didn’t consider herself a hero. 

She was behind the scenes, away from common eyes just there to clean up the mess and to take the worry of the mess out of everyone’s head. The Avengers had a polarising reputation. Although it got better after they won against Thanos there were still those who disliked them. But there was not a single civilian who would speak out the title of the Empathic Soul in despise. Y/N would like to keep it that way she had told Fury. She didn’t really have the best life growing up, the strain had given her the powers and she wouldn’t dare use it for anything other than the good of the people. She knew protecting someone came with a cost. Her powers can be used for things unimaginable, wrong things and that’s why she needed to stay anonymous.

Though not all praises about Y/N may be true, one thing was for sure. She was a gem, one of the most selfless person anyone had ever met. With or without knowing about her powers. She couldn’t stand seeing someone sad and that is what made her the sole person every single Avenger was ready to get along with each other for.

Y/N had been a part of the team for 3 years now and she had made all the trauma dissipate and had even managed to make the most unapproachable team mmates open up. She had made sure Stark Towers was always warm and fuzzy no matter how cold the world seemed.

The meanest of all things Y/N has done is manipulate the emotions of people like Zemo to make them confess and feel the pain of the people they caused pain to reflect and repent whenever Agent Everett called her in for.

The robotic voice of Vision snapped her out of her zone as she looked at him as he pointed at the elevator. As Y/N turned to look she felt an overwhelming level of tension.

Oh. It’s one of those days.....

The door opened to a familiar multitude of spandex and metal clad people filling into the living room all making an aggressive beeline at the empathic. 

“I CALL DIBS ON Y/N !”,yelled some simultaneously as they glared at each other and argued. Some went straight to the bar pouring themselves a drink and another very specific non alcoholic one along with it. Some stood frozen, colour drained off their face, to be more specific, Wanda,Peter,Bucky and Bruce. Peter walking straight into Y/N’s arms as she held them open as soon as she saw them. Wanda and Bruce following as Vision looms and floats behind them.

“That bad huh ?”, Y/N asked as she tried managing to drag the four towards the couch and plopped down with them. Bruce parted away from her and Wanda followed suit a pleasant smile slapping onto their face.

“18 casualties ”, she heard the blonde star spangled man as he wrapped an arm around her waist moving to hug her by the side as Natasha’s arms wraps around Y/N neck from behind the couch, her head plopped on top of Y/N’s for a few before she whispered a thank you and left to go find Bruce. “And 5 completely decapitated buildings you always forget the buildings Steve ! Now move I need a hug from our gal !”, Sam complained as he agressively made motions for Steve to move away from Y/N as he nearly tackles her. “Careful Sammy, it seems like Peter’s fallen asleep”, the empath notifies as she carefully rests the Spiderboy’s head on the couch from herself as Tony lays a blanket on his body. 

“Kid was really hard on himself today, he froze mid battle and was thrown right onto a car, the injury was not that bad but it sure was something. He kept asking if he could call you the whole way back”, Tony said as Y/N stroked Peter’s hair as she got up. “Made you a drink as I poured myself one”, he said offering the glass to her which she took and set back down on the table and then proceeded to take Tony’s glass away from him before he could even sip on it. “This is your third glass and I can sense your annoyance, come here ”, Y/N scolded him as he opened his arms for a hug. “My suit broke down halfway through the fight”,complained Tony into Y/N’s hug as she patted his back, concentrating on pushing the positivity strain in the man.

“I need to be back at the sanctum.... Y/N ?”, came a voice making Tony groan why is it that every time I hug her that you need a hug? The sanctum can wait ! Isn’t Wong there?” “Tony...”, warned Y/N earning a eyeroll from the billionare as he made her promise him hugs later as he sauntered away. Y/N let out a soft laugh before taking Stephens hands into hers and a gentle smile . Stephen placed his hand on her cheek as a smile plastered on his face. “You should have come with us......they-......I and the rest of them needed you.....”,he mumbled making sure no one heard. “I’m sorry, I would have joined but I had to get some Hydra agents to spill some secrets.....”,she reasoned. “If I did not have to return I would have loved to talk to you more about how I feel.....although you will feel it before me and-” “I come visit tomorrow”, she stated simply earning a sigh of relief from the other as he stepped into the portal still hesitating to leave your hand.

There were three left Y/N knew. And she knew where they would be. She walked down the hall that leads up to all their rooms, a door opened and before she could react she was lifted into a bone crushing hug who’s only culprit could be the golden retriever god. “Thor! I was looking for you! How are you feeling!” “Pretty usual Lady Y/N ! I suppose you are visiting my brother ! I couldn’t join today’s mission, I was visiting Asgard ! Anyways I shall let you be !”, and with that he went back into his room. He wanted stay but he knew so needed her more than him he decided he could bother her later.

“They were children ! Can Midgardians stoop this low, they were experimenting on children !”, Y/N could hear as she got closer to the door at the end of the corridor. She opened the door slowly and softly, right after knocking it once.

She saw a flash of black and and overwhelming sense of anger and sorrow before she was tackled by two bodies that made sure her head didn’t hit the floor.

“Hey calm down wow what the hell Loki? Buck? What went THAT wrong?” , Y/N asked the two who had gotten quite close to each other with help of her involvement throughout the years. They realized their similarity and now shared quite of lot of things with each other that they could never tell others. Well, other than Y/N. Y/N slowly replaced their emotions as they let out an appreciative grunt. Before sitting back up. “The people taken hostage by Hydra were children. They were beaten badly, hell some were flinching even when we tried getting them out. I may have done some questionable things in my life but I would never think of doing anything to children. This why this planet needs to be ruled !”,spat Loki in frustration as Y/N rubbed his back soothingly. They were silent for a while before Bucky spoke up. “Those kids were being trained, like Nat. Easier to manipulate, easier to make into soldiers like me.” Y/N sighed, her face dropping as she tried not to hiss in pain. “You saved them though right ? I will probably be called to rehabilitate them. I promise I’ll make them feel better”, she tried to assure them. “ It is not about that darling, I just wonder how many children might be there in Midgard that are being forced into things like this out of their will.” 

Y/N never said anything after that but what happened was bothering her and was clear as water. But every time they would try asking her she would quickly change their mood to a Euphoric state and distract them. It felt as if matters were getting worst and Y/N looked sicker and sicker. The team had no choice but to ask Fury.

“ I suppose she has not informed you about her mutation.”

“ What about it ?”

“Well it is not as easy as she makes it seem. You see, every time she replaces an emotion, she feels them. The malice, the pain and everything stays inside her and will stay that way until it is not given to other people. Y/N grew up in an abusive home. Empathy was never shown to her and it got worse by the time she was 15. She first started experiencing immense pain and one day it became intolerable. The pain, without her will got transferred to everyone in that house. No normal human could handle it the way she could and they eventually died because of it. She blames herself and that is why she is not allowed to go on missions with you because we fear that might happen again.”

Everyone was  bit shocked by the story they were bombarded with. The felt guilt. All this time it was her who was comforting them and never once had they asked her about how she felt. In fact, if Y/N had not interfered with certain things they might have regretted their actions or may have committed unforgivable acts.

She was their hero. And sometimes the hero needs to be saved to.

Y/N was startled to say the least when her bedroom door burst open and several bodies jumped on her making her feel a sudden high and the pain in her head trying to leave She closed her eyes and tried as hard as possible t not let go of it.

“Y/N I swear to god let it all out ! Were a lot of people we can handle it ! Be a little less harsh on yourself !”, nagged Wanda leaving the empath speechless over the fact that they found out her secret. After more perstering she let go. “Jesus Christ !/Oh my god!/How do you live with this!”, yelled different people simultaneously as they felt what Y/N has been holding to herself for all these years. “Lady Y/N I take back what I said about being the strongest it seems like you are the strongest one to be able to do this and take care of all of us with a smile”, Thor declared.

“You know we love you right miss Y/N ?”,Peter questioned.

Y/N couldn’t say anything if she did she would cry. Her heart swelled even more and for the first time in her life she felt like she truly belonged. The soft tune of Euphoria by Jungkook played in the background the lyrics etching the end of this story.

“Take my hand now, you are the cause of my Euphoria”

--The End--

....... I have never written such an intricate fic on this app. I do not know if it is good or not anymore because I am in too much feels. I really really hope you like this *crosses fingers in anticipation*.This was really fun to write! I did delete the draft like 7 times though because I wasn’t confident about it😅.. I really hope you like this🥺🥺.....Please like and reblog my posts if you like them! Feedback is highly appreciated and please do not plagarize my work. I really work my ass of on them! Thank you so much for supporting me darlings !❤🥰

~Love, Hri

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers DARK FATE ー Shuu Maniac [08]

ー The scene starts in the living room

Shuu: ーー Did a burglar break into this place or something?

Yui: ( T-The house’s a mess...There’s scratches all over the walls and furniture. )

Shuu: Haah...I guess that fool’s behind this.

Yui: ( Gosh, Ririe...We only stepped out for a biーー )

*SHATTER*

Yui: ...! Now it’s coming from the other room...!

ー Yui runs towards the noise

Shuu: ...Thank god this is someone else’s place. (1)

ー The scene shifts to the dining room

Yui: Aah...The glass shattered in a million pieces...

( My sincere apologies to the Mukami’s... )

*Meooow*

Yui: Ririe! I’m glad to see you so full of energy, but I told you to behave inside the house, remember?

ー Shuu walks up to them

Shuu: A cat wouldn’t understand that, right?

Yui: But we have to properly discipline him. Please tell him as well, Shuu-san.

Shuu: I don’t really care as long as he doesn’t get in my way.

ー He leaves again

Yui: ( He just lets anything slide... (2) )

*Meooow*

Yui: Listen up Ririe? You can’t sharpen your nails on the walls. We bought you a scratch post, remember?

*Meooow*

Yui: Geez, do you actually understand...?

ー Shuu returns

Yui: Oh, Shuu-san? What’s wrong?

Shuu: ...Hand him over.

Yui: Eh?

Shuu: He knocked over my CDs and left scratches all over the surface.

Yui: ( He committed the biggest crime! )

Shuu: Hand me the cat. I’m throwing him out before he ruins anything else.

Yui: W-Wait, Shuu-san! Please calm down!

Shuu: You were upset too, no? If he won’t learn, we have no other choice but to kick him out.

Yui: We can’t! Abandoning your own family should never be done!

Shuu: ‘Family’ you say, but it’s just a cat, no?

Yui: Once you accept someone as family, you can’t kick them out. If we do thatーー

Selection

→ He’ll be all alone (♡)

Yui: The poor guy...will end up all alone, you know.

Shuu: He has been this whole time. Why worry about it now?

Yui: I think it will be difficult for him to live on his own...Now that he knows the warmth of a home.

Shuu: ...

→ He won’t be able to survive

Yui: I’m sure this little guy wouldn’t survive...!

Shuu: I think you’re being a little too naive, assuming he can’t survive on his own.

If anything, wouldn’t he be better off that way?

If we go too easy on him...We’ll only end up raising a spoiled brat.

*Thud*

Yui: Ah...! Where are you going, Ririe!?

Shuu: Guess he decided to leave by himself? Saves us the trouble of kicking him out.

*Hiiiiiss*

Yui: ...?

( He’s hissing while looking outside? There’s nobody there though... )

Ririe, what’s wrong?

Shuu: Maybe there’s an invisible something there? Cats can see that sorta stuff, can’t they?

Yui: N-No way...

*Hiiiiiss*

Shuu: ...

...Oi, we’re leaving.

Yui: Eh?

Shuu: Just come!

*Rustle*

Yui: Shuu-san!?

( What has gotten into him all of a sudden...!? ...Right, Ririe! )

Ririe! Come here!

*Meooow*

ー They run towards the hallway

Yui: Shuu-san...! What has gotten into you all of a sudden...!?

Shuu: The Wolves are here.

Yui: Eh...!?

Shuu: I’m sure that guy reacted because they’re closeby. Seems like his instincts still work.

Yui: ...Are these the same ones that attacked Ayato-kun?

Shuu: Most likely.

First Bloods...It’s those Founders.

I thought they had finally given up, but they’re quite the persistent bunch.

Now that they’ve found us, we can no longer stay here. We’re going back to the Demon World.

Since Vampires were living in this manor, there should be a portal to the Demon World somewhere closeby.

Yui: ( I didn’t think those Wolves would appear again... )

*HOOOOOOWL*

Yui: ...! A wolf’s howling...!

Shuu: Oi, get running already! Let’s check the basement for now!

Yui: Y-Yes...!

ー The scene shifts to the underground passage

Shuu: ...Fuck.

Yui: ( The wall has collapsed...We can’t go any further...! )

Shuu: Che...I guess they planned this attack well.

*HOOOOOOWL*

Shuu: In that case, we’re heading towards our manor. We’ll use the underground passage there!

Don’t let go of my hand at all costs. Follow me as if your life depends on it, understood!?

Monologue

The howling wolves echo in the distance. 

Memories of when Ayato-kun and I were attacked inside the car,

flooding back inside my head.

In an attempt to distract myself from the fear creeping up on me,

I desperately chased after Shuu-san’s back.

Noticing this, he tightly squeezed my hand in return.

That pressure gave me a momentarily sense of relief (安堵).

At the very least, I wanted to prevent scaring Ririe who I held in my arms.

I felt as if I had to protect (守れなければ) this little one,

just like Shuu-san was protecting me.

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) The idiom in Japanese is 不幸中の幸い or ‘fukō-chū no saiwai’ which literally means ‘a blessing amidst misfortune/disaster.’

(2) Someone who follows a 放任主義 or ‘hōnin-shugi’ generally does not interfere with other people’s behaviors and just lets them do as they please, unless they are personally affected by it.

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

<- [ Maniac 07 ] [ Maniac 09 ] ->

[letsdiscoverkitty]

"Life" Update - May 2021

This is the last of the three updates I have to post at the moment. If anyone actually reads these, especially in one go, you really do deserve a medal and I have no idea what I have done to deserve your kindness and support but THANK YOU SO MUCH (to all of you who are here, you are all truly wonderful and amazing) Okay, let's get going....

I suppose the title is a bit, well, overkill. To say that anyone has been had any sort of "life" over the past year would be a huge misuse of the word. The global pandemic has, quite literally, turned life upside down for the vast majority of people and I know that lockdowns, especially in the UK, have meant that anything other than what was deemed "essential" has been off the cards, which has hit us all hard.

I personally found it quite difficult whilst I was in hospital as although on the one hand it was good to know that there wasn't much that you were missing out on whilst locked on a ward with 15 minutes fresh air (if you were lucky), it did make it hard to find/hold onto motivation at times. Coupled with the fear of how my dad's condition would progress, whether he would make it and what sort of home life I would be going back to; the world suddenly felt even noisier than it had before (which I didn't think was really possible). The situation seemed to further heighten my fears as well as add to them. I found my mind was swamped with so many questions and fears, to then be asked about my future/what I wanted to do with my life (that classic question) and what my motivations were to get better, was too much. I fell blank.

I had completely lost myself and any shed of hope that was left inside of me. I tried to put on a smile; paint a different picture to the outside world but inside I was dark. I was hollow. I was empty.

What was the point? You never know what is waiting around the corner; everything can turn upside down overnight. What kind of 'life' would there be going back to anyway? Would it be possible to go to University anymore or would there still be multiple restrictions in place? would that make the huge financial costs worth it? What sort of society will we be coming out of the pandemic anyway? Will we even come out of this? Will people ever go back to offices again? Will we be able to see friends soon or go out to places? What about travelling? Fun? LIFE?

I found depression swamped me more than ever after dad's accident. I was trying to hold myself together for mum but I was losing all hope of anything ever being 'the same' or 'okay' again. In the end, the only reason I accepted the admission was for mum - I wanted to be able to support her with dad in hospital and us not know what the future held; as much as I wished I could be there all the time, I knew in the state I was that I couldn't. Initially I was told the admission would be a short one, that I could then go back home to support my mum through the family trauma...but that 4 weeks soon turned into over 8 months, which I still can't believe.

Gosh, I am sorry, I seem to have got a little distracted. This was meant to be the POSITIVE update. So let's get to those bits...

NEWS ONE: I HAVE A JOB (starting in Sept)

So whilst in hospital my consultant kept trying to get me to think about what I wanted to do with my life (just the small questions you know *lol*) - in her eyes she thought it would be risky to go back to University to do neuroscience/a degree so intense, and that instead I should think about doing something more creative, taking small steps to get a part time job and then go from there - which, as much as I hated to admit, I agreed with. However after one particularly bad run-in with the nutritionist when she decided to tell me that she didn't think I could achieve a life beyond Anorexia (it must have been mid-way-ish through my admission) blah blah blah (I get that she could have been trying to motivate me but there is a way to go about it and then there are ways to really not go about it and she chose the latter). Anyway, I was rather angry/mad and ended up doing basically trying to prove everyone wrong and started doing some research into my different options...

Long story short: I ended up applying to a degree apprenticeship scheme in business management...I've never really considered something like this before, perhaps partially because at school they drilled into me that business was a "soft" subject as it would not be looked upon very highly for Oxbridge applications *rolls eyes*. Thankfully I did a lot of research into Degree Apprenticeships a few years ago so I knew where to look online. Anyway, back to this application. I ended up going through the process/tests, somehow managing to make it through the initial online stages, then just before I was discharged I was invited to a online interview!

I only had a few days to do the interview before it timed out so I actually ended up doing it In the end the day after I was discharged (not ideal) and I was convinced that I had messed it up as it was one of those ones where you get shown the question for around 30 seconds before being given 2 minutes to respond - i.e. stress.pressure.anxiety.stumbling over words. HORRENDOUS.

I somehow passed the interview and the reviews before being invited to an online assessment centre in Feb, which spanned a whole day and included multiple interviews (the first was a strengths based interview with 2 interviewers for just over an hour - yuck!!!) as well as a presentation which we were given 24hrs in advance to prepare for (we were given 4 'topics'/questions and had to answer all of them in a 15 minute window using aids if we chose to, again to 2 (different) interviewers before having a 45 minute further interview - double yuck!)

Dare I say that I actually enjoyed the preparation for the presentation and the interviews?! It was so nice to have a focus and something to be working on that I was actually really beginning to connect with/want/see myself doing. The interviews and presentation themselves? HORRIBLE but the process reignited something within me. After the assessment centre day we were told it could be 7-10 working days to hear back from them - waiting for anything like this is just the worst so I wasn't looking forward to it and tried not to get my hopes up as these schemes are ridiculously hard to get into... Well, I got the call the next day saying that they were so impressed and out of something like 14,000 applications, I was offered one of the spaces on the scheme!! - I honestly still can't believe it and imposter syndrome is v real -

I know at the beginning of this I sounded very blase about the whole thing but as I progressed through the process, as I read more about the scheme and the business and what it would entail, the more I began to get excited. The more I realised how interesting it was and what an amazing opportunity it would be for me.

Despite this, I was also at the time, finishing up yet another an application to University (for the millionth time, I swear I must be a pro at these personal statements by now) this time for psychology and behavioural studies. This was before I got the offer of the degree apprenticeship scheme, which I knew was a long shot with only a handful of places given for thousands of applicants, so I felt I had to keep my options open (Neuro is still an area of fascination to me but not so much with the INTENSE LEVEL of physiology and pharmacology that I was doing at Bristol. Yes bits of it were good and interesting but that degree was ridiculous and, again, I felt far more drawn towards the behavioural studies and psychology when researching into Universities). I ended up getting 3 offers, 1 interview for Cambridge and 1 rejection (ironically from Bristol, even with my recommendation/support being from my previous personal tutor at Bristol!) - so I suddenly had options. And then the offer from the degree apprenticeship came through and there were even more options to choose from.

It honestly felt so surreal (and still does).

In the end, after a lot of thinking and debating and researching and talking, I decided to withdraw my University application and I accepted the degree apprenticeship role. Overall it is such an incredible opportunity that I knew I couldn't turn down, whereas University will always be there. I am actually getting a little excited about it (as well as extremely nervous, but I must say that the company has made a really positive/good impression thus far, even as far as creating MH podcasts with a psychologist for us and offering things like zoom baking sessions!).

So what is this degree apprenticeship? In short, it is a 3 year course during which I will have a Monday to Friday job at the company (for which the office is actually commutable from home - it is about 1hrs drive, which is not the best but it does mean that I can stay at home for at least the first year and there is a train I could get if I was too tired to do the drive all the time. As much as staying at home is not my long term plan it might help with the transition back to work/education to have a bit of stability and the support). During the first 2 years at the company we do four separate 6 month rotations in different areas to get lots of experience (marketing, supply chain, sales etc) whilst in the final year you get to put in a preference for where you would like to work for the year long placement. During this, every 6 or 7 weeks, we have to spend a week at University (which is not in commutable distance at all so the the company pays for our accommodation, travel and food during this time). As far as I have been told, we also get time during the working week allocated to do Uni work as well as our standard 'desk' jobs. Oh and not to mention one of the biggest sellers for degree apprenticeships....the company is basically sponsoring you so pays ALL of your tuition fees PLUS a basic salary! This means that you come out, in this case, with a Chartered business management degree, 3 years of hands-on work experience, as well as you being pretty much guaranteed a job within the company AND no student debt!!! How incredible is that? PLUS one big perk of the job is that they allow dogs in the office - I mean how could I say no to that?!!!!

So yes, by some magical miracle I actually have a job lined up for September! It still doesn't feel real and I am yet to fully process it. They don't know how it will be affected by COVID but the company did continue the programme last year (unlike some that postponed) so fingers crossed all should be going ahead. I have 'met' the other 4(?) who are on the scheme at my office as well and they seem lovely (including one other person who is my age/slightly older - which was such a relief as I was worried about it being only people just out of college).

I realise that it is going to be tough, I do not underestimate that at all, but I couldn't let anorexia still yet ANOTHER life milestone and opportunity away from me. There was a lot of questioning as to whether I should take it or not; I went back and forth between many spreadsheets that I made but I think this opportunity far outweighs going back to University. I have tried that route twice already and had to leave because of everything/haven't really coped (I think in some ways, being at Uni there is TOO MUCH free time and it allowed my perfectionism to run riot as I always felt like I was 'behind' in one way or another?). And that is not to mention that if I was going back to University, I would need to spend another 3-4 years studying, I would leave with little work experience or job in mind at the age of 29/30 with a mountain of debt.... And as I said before, I can always go back to University if I want to in the future/re train if I decide to, but this opportunity with a global company, well, this will never ever come my way again.

So yes that is my BIG BIG news. But I also have one more bit of news....

I'm getting a kitten. Yes, A KITTEN!!!!! I have so much more to say on this but for now you will have to wait and see. Photos will come when SHE does (a couple of weeks now)!!!

[hollandorks]

I have my first day of intense screenacting classes tomorrow so I'm hoping I can do this before my human battery dies. I know this is shorter than usual and I'm sorry, but I feel like I'm gonna sneeze and I'm not SNEEZING—

He had died a thousand little deaths at her hands. Every touch, every kiss, every time she had moaned his name like a prayer and a plea, he had died all over again. A thousand little deaths at her hands in the span of minutes. 

Okay, Bruce, I know you and I have had our differences over your stupidity, but same. I died too. Shelby's just an amazing writer.

Bruce blushed. “I–I didn’t know sex could be like…that,” he said truthfully. Embarrassment washed through him, but he tried to squash the feeling.

Adorable. Bruce is so cute. The embarrassment is so wholesome. And I really appreciate it because Bruce has been trying so hard to be Batman (despite not being able to around the reader) and all I-am-vulnerable-to-nothing that him being so outwardly embarrassed is so endearing and it's such a great payoff.

For her, he would try to be more open, even as much as it scared him.

You're doing great, sweetie!

He was always doing that–losing himself to his thoughts and forgetting to say any of it out loud. 

Big same.

“Um. Yes. I know, I’m a freak, but–God. Seeing you fight–” She stopped. Swallowed. Kept her face covered. “It was–hot. Alright? Sue me.” 

SUE ME TOO BECAUSE IT WAS HOT.

Listen, at that point the reader had gone through so much and had been torturing herself over Marie's death for ages that of course it was fucking hot. Here was a man, fighting to keep her safe and had been for ages, even when she didn't believe herself to be worth it. This time with the added bonus of being SHIRTLESS, no less (and YES, I checked. Chapter 23. He was shirtless. I not only remembered but I double-checked). AND IT WAS AFTER THEY WERE JUST LITERALLY SLEEPING TOGETHER IN BED. He had comforted her, assured her, and was then fighting for her SHIRTLESS!

Of course it was hot!

He had to admit, there was a certain allure to seeing her fight, too, as much as he was always simultaneously terrified for her safety.

This made me laugh.

God, he would be super fucking distracted with her fighting in a suit next to him.

And of course he would do what she asked. Always. 

...i know that he means from this moment on, but I'm just gonna give him a liiiiiittle more shit because are we gonna pretend that he wasn't doing the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT SHE ASKED BEFORE THEY SLEPT TOGETHER?

"Talk to me" avoids her for six weeks

"Don't brood" broods intensely

i'm gonna grab myself some leftover wine my mother left me hold on

girl didn't even leave me a whole glass, mother—

So, the sex. Shelby, I don't even know where to start. Like, I don't know what role your personal life plays into writing this fic, so I'm not gonna assume anything, but damn—

That's some hot sex. Now, I am by no means any sort of expert considering I have only slept with enough people to just be considered not a virgin, but you can feel the physical heat in the way that you write. You can picture the sweat, the quiet of the house, and how it feels like, in that moment, it's just the two of them in the entire world. And it's sweet and it's loving, and Bruce is being the best partner by making an honest attempt at learning what the reader likes (and succeeding!). And the EXPLICIT CONSENT!! Very hot!

You're just an amazing writer. Also:

His dreams could never come close to the reality of her. 

THE MAN DREAMT OF HER?

I'm dead

Did she know how much he needed those words? How terrified he still was of losing her? How glad he was that somehow, by some miracle, she was here next to him, loving him, her heart beating? 

Bruce is a little cinnamon roll who deserves to be protected at all costs. The boy is dumb, but he means well. Like a derpy golden retriever dressed in a batsuit.

So it was either shout and curse, or let Batman handle it. And since he hadn’t been wearing the armor, he chose shouting and cursing. 

AM SOFT

BRUCE WAYNE, YOU DERPY LITTLE GOLDEN RETRIEVER (yes, that's just what I'm gonna call him now)!!!! That's so stupid of you, but so cute. It's very appreciated. He's so kind. Like I said, he can be a little confused, but he's got the right idea!

The same way my dog desperately spins around instead of doing deep pressure therapy when I'm having a panic attack because she thinks it's my favorite trick of hers since I make her do it every day. Like, it's not the most effective way of accomplishing your goal, but hey, it accomplishes it a little bit and it's adorable. Warms my heart.

Something in his chest squeezed painfully. 

Bruce, if you think it's that nonexistent bruise, I swear to god—

But, no, seriously, I think he's learned that it's love. He accepts it now, and, not only does he accept it, but he's so at ease with the idea that he drifts to sleep.

“I love you,” she whispered, in case he had forgotten. She would spend every night reminding him of that. She would ease every nightmare he had with the words. She would make sure he always knew she felt safe with him. 

I love these quiet moments of love. It's so easy to get swept up in the infatuation, the lust, the crush—and it's so nice to have these moments of just pure love. I want to make you feel comforted love, I want you to feel safe with me love. It's so nice.

It's so great to imagine someone who does that in a more normal way, in contrast to my real life, where my approach is: no matter how stupid you may feel, I guarantee you that I am stupider.

“Oh man, I can’t fucking believe it. Some kid pushed you off of a roof. And Batman was hit with a bat.” She laughed harder.  

Big same.

“I had decided to conveniently lock you two in a room together somehow,” Alfred said. He snapped the newspaper shut. There was a glint of mischief in his eyes. “I have an extra master key that I was going to break off in the lock, since I know Bruce can pick them.” [...] “Or,” Alfred continued, ignoring Bruce’s pleading look for him to stop. “I was going to handcuff you together to the stairwell and conveniently leave for several hours. I’d already checked–nothing around the stairwell for Bruce to use to pick the lock.” 

ME TOO ALFRED!! ME TOO!

Also, the reader seeing Bruce for the date and just wanting to cancel to have sex with him? Same. Settling for sex anywhere, as long as it's with him? That's the cutest thing I've ever heard. And Bruce is so cute for wanting to do things "right". It's so adorable.

And then to end with sex in the kitchen? Where they would have had sex the first time, had she been sober? That's such a nice way to clean things up!

Okay, I have to keep writing before I fall asleep!!! I JUST HAVE THE EPILOGUE LEFT I CAN DO THIS

(WHICH I READ VERY SLYLY ON THE SUBWAY RIDE HOME, MIND YOU)

⌨

Okay first I read these last night when I was supposed to be sleeping and felt weirdly emotional 🥵😩

I had to include some vulnerability here! Bruce needs to learn to open up!

And you're right, it was hot seeing him fight shirtless. Love that you remembered but also double checked 😂

Not me imagining Bruce getting fucking nailed upside the head because he's so busy watching the reader fight in a skintight suit 💀😂

He deserves to be given shit for this though. He would do anything she asked.....but hasn't. But at least he'll make up for it? 😂

Love the little callout to your mom for not leaving you enough wine lmao

As for the sex, I am definitely not saying it's inspired by my personal life because my husband would be horrified and offended that I said such things, but--

Okay wait yes that actually is what I'm saying. All writing has to be inspired by something, right? 😅

Also explicit consent is so hot!!! Consent is everything!! Listen if a smut scene (fanfic, book, movie, show, etc) doesn't have explicit consent it's a huge turnoff for me. No thank you.

Of course Bruce had sex dreams about her

"The boy is dumb, but he means well." You nailed it. Bruce Wayne in a nutshell! Also the derpy little golden retriever. He's an angry golden retriever who can fight but he is still a golden retriever

Also omg your dog spinning around?? Love it. I love her. Tell Stash I love her. (Also just some more stuff to warm your heart: my parents rescued another dog yesterday named Xena and she's the fucking cutest. She is also an agent of chaos. I love her already.)

I love love, what can I say? I always enjoy seeing these moments after all the pining etc when I'm reading, so I wanted to include some. Especially because love is so complex! There's so many types of love!

Alfred was this close to losing his fucking mind. I honestly was also this close to making him actually do these things, out of sheer desire for hilarity. But alas, I wanted to make it more natural. Maybe next time:

I had to tie it all together somehow! Glad you liked the little parallel! 🥰

Thanks bestie!!!! See you in the epilogue ask which made me cry when I read it last night!

[leia-imogen]

aaron & the family he's found all by himself; vol. 2 // vol. 1

( ft. short jokes, a belated birthday shopping trip, & an ultra-chaotic winter break )

( for @criswisstuff & anyone who enjoyed the first one <3 )

savannah, who is 5'9, is constantly teasing aaron and cleo for being short. katelyn's good at 5'6, and also a bit impossible to tease bcs she's the actual best, so she gets to escape this

cleo ( 5'2 ) is perfectly delighted to have someone shorter than her for once in her life, even by only 2 inches

aaron: guys, just try and see this from my point of view

sav: [ collapses ]

katelyn: [ crouches down ]

cleo: [ sits cross-legged on floor ]

aaron: dude you're literally 2 inches taller than me

cleo: 2 and a quarter

sav is so smug about this but in a good-natured way, in that she and cleo call aaron "kid" or "kiddo" or "pipsqueak" and he doesn't mind bcs they always say it w such a huge smile and he likes to respond to sav with "how's the weather up there, tall-ass?"

and katelyn thinks it's ridiculously adorable how tiny aaron is and obviously she uses him as an armrest all the time

katelyn, petting aaron's hair: guys guys omg he's like an angsty mini blond kitten and i would kill for him <3

sav, popping up between them: mini-yard :))

before i get super distracted, i just wanna mention that aaron met sav and cleo towards the end of november, so they missed the twin's birthday

but sav still insists that she must take him shopping bcs sure his fashion sense is fine but there's always room for improvement, isn't there, aaron??

he relents, so long as she and cleo and katelyn ( who already gave him a birthday present?? why's she doing this??? ) don't spend too much money

sav drags him all around south carolina to the best thrift stores she can find and cleo and katelyn are amazed that she can get such fantastic deals on the supermodel clothes she wears

fr she's literally a fashion design major ( + minoring in business management ) and she shows up to class in skilfully done drugstore makeup and an absolutely killer outfit for like 15 bucks

she grew up poor, and she's still poor now, even if she ( thankfully ) managed to scrape a cheerleading scholarship

sav, flicking through a rack of dresses labelled $4 apiece: RIP to little miss rich bitch reynolds but i'm different ;)

no hate to allison she's awesome but she grew up in the lap of luxury surrounded by designer brands so she knows NOTHING about thrifting and rationing money in general

oh and sav and allison have kind of a frenemies thing going on bcs they're both fighting for the top spot of their fashion design course

they spend the whole day shopping and aaron ends up with a highly upgraded wardrobe that contains a lot of cute pastel stuff and sav's promise to do his makeup

aaron insists on paying for dinner at the really nice pizza place a short drive from campus even tho they all protest

and andrew knows he's found new friends, but has no idea that it's the vixens and he's dating one of them. nicky does tho, but he's sworn to secrecy

nicky thinks his new clothes are adorable and is stunned when aaron tells him the total cost

"oh my GOD that girl sounds like a genius."

"yeah, her name's sav. you guys,, would get along, i think."

okay now for the winter break part!!

i think that you can get permission to stay at dorms if you're an international student or something??

anyways since sav's super upset bcs her father straight-up told her not to come home bcs he has a new girlfriend ( god i hate sav's father )

katelyn would stay with her, but her dad can finally have her home in new york for christmas and she really doesn't want to miss it

cleo, the only one with a properly functional family, is going back to her big family house and loving parents and grandma and aunt and siblings and cousins. love that for her.

so aaron and sav are stuck at psu for 2 weeks and aaron's surprisingly cool with this. and sav's excited bcs for the first time since her mom died, she can spend her christmas with someone she actually wants around instead of her shitty-ass father and his constant stream of bitchy girlfriends

they spend a lot of time together, stealing food from the athlete's dining hall to make their own weird combos, which usually ends with aaron making something Cool and Interesting and sav gagging and spitting out whatever strange concoction she had previously insisted would taste good

i literally can't bring myself to give a shit about the twinyards' deal bcs andrew literally became best friends with renee?? and hooks up with guys at eden’s??? idk what's going on there but it's like andrew is trying to control aaron's life while he can do whatever he wants??? and honestly wtf????

also let me just make it clear that i ADORE andrew so so much he's one of my favourite comfort characters ever but i'm not gonna make excuses for his shitty behaviour. i fully believe he heals and puts away his pride to apologise to aaron, nicky, and kevin for his treatment of them

that's definitely not to say that aaron's internalised homophobia isn't eww, but with so many important people in his life gay, he makes a huge effort to get over it

so andrew just thinks that aaron is spending a lot of time in the library or out with nicky or something

and when aaron tells sav about this deal, she's kinda horrified, but it's pretty clear to her that aaron so desperately wants to fix his relationship with his brother, and she's not in any place to discourage him, is she?

the only thing she can do is hope that he won't come out all the worse for it

and stare at the boy curled up on the other end of the pale pink sofa cleo's parents had gotten, wonder just how much shit he'd been put through, and decide she was going to be his best friend

aaron's face has gone entirely impassive. sav nudges his fluffy-socked foot with her own, then reaches out to smooth the crease between his eyebrows. "careful, you'll wrinkle your pretty little face."

aaron is very caught off guard by this, and very promptly flushes bright red, which contrasts with the pale teal hoodie he stole from katelyn

"okay, enough talk about depressing crap. wanna go make christmas cookies now?"

"yeah."

so they make christmas cookies. well, it was supposed to be christmas cookies, but it turns into double chocolate fudge cookies somewhere along the line. neither of them knows how

them baking together is the definition of chaos. they're still blasting songs, and sav is singing along terribly

"yOu'Re A mEaN oNe, Mr. GrInCh," while poking aaron's cheek as he tries to mix something. he throws a handful of flour at her. "yOu ReAlLy ArE A hEel."

anyways obviously sav retaliates and that ends in a flour fight. it only stops when aaron deadass cracks an egg on sav's head and she smears chocolate into his hair

she also tries to make him sing along to baby, it's cold outside

"i'Ve GoT tO Go `wAAyyy~" she holds a spatula up to his face

"go away."

they video call katelyn, who takes one look at the mess in the cramped dorm kitchen and sighs so loudly and dramatically that her dad pops in and asks if everything's okay

aaron freezes up at the sight of him and sav quickly turns off the camera, bcs they both want to make good impressions on him, and being covered in various cookie ingredients just won't cut it, ya know?

the cookies turn out delicious and sav sends all their group chat various photos of the process, most of which consist of selfies with her making goofy faces while aaron is simultaneously baking and flipping off the camera

plus a several videos of sav enthusiastically dancing and mouthing the lyrics of, as follows, all i want for christmas is you, let it snow, and santa claus is coming to town and aggressively pointing a spatula at aaron

"c'mon aari, just sing! please??? please???? please you can do it i believe in you!!"

finally he just. gives up. "okay, you know what? fine, i'll sing to ONE and then you will STOP bothering me you insolent dumbass."

sav beams. santa baby starts playing. aaron is very clearly going through five stages of grief in 0.5 seconds

"go on," sav says sweetly as she slides in next to a pouting aaron, "i'll sing with you."

sav slings an arm around his shoulder and sways with him, so it's just her doing that and him grumpily mumbling the lyrics

and when the cookies are cooling down, they start cleaning the kitchen up. aaron rubs some spilled egg yolk into sav's hair but it goes pretty okay otherwise, since they're just listening to more christmas songs and chatting about light stuff, like aaron's biochem course, sav's fashion course, and their dumb classmates

aaron mostly listens tho, and learns that sav kind of hates allison reynolds for giving up her inheritance when she would do ANYTHING for even the tiniest fraction of that money

but she still thinks allison's gorgeous bcs c'mon

and that sav's dream is to one day open her own boutique!!

aaron spends most of the actual christmas day with the monsters at eden's bcs nicky and andrew wanted to

he spent a lot of the time texting on their group chat

doessavvyisgay: so u just go to a nightclub every week??

unaliveme: i mean yeah, i literally worked here for a while. we needed money and nicky was already working 2 jobs night and day

actualblessing: babe ur backstory is so tragic

unaliveme: i'm a fox for a reason ig

cleo.magda: Yes but-

doessavvyisgay renamed this conversation "aaron miniyard support group"

unaliveme: oh ffs

unaliveme: sav subject change go

doessavvyisgay: i'm at the clothes store what should i get?

actualblessing: something pretty :)

doessavvyisgay: sorry, i can't buy the cashier

cleo.magda: Wow.

doessavvyisgay: I DID GET HER NUMBER THO

unaliveme: lmaooo what's her name?

doessavvyisgay: uh

unaliveme: savannah istg u don't even know her name??

actualblessing: s a v

actualblessing: damn u really do be turning on the Charm tho

actualblessing: respect i didn't even talk to aaron till i asked him for notes bcs he has rly pretty notes and also a rly pretty face

actualblessing: and even then i was like :0

unaliveme: IT WAS CUTE I PROMISE

doessavvyisgay: u 2 = the only valid heterosexual couple

actualblessing: rt

unaliveme: oh shit i'm getting super drunk

cleo.magda: Aaron, you drink? That's not legal, get out of there right now. Kids these days-

unaliveme: cleo u have literally seen me get drunk af,, the first time we met,,, and anyways this is how my family bonds ✌🏻

doessavvyisgay: that's. so damn weird kiddo but go off ig

actualblessing: no go find better things to bond about other than alcohol and weird sweaty dancing

cleo.magda: Yeah, go watch some Christmas movies!

unaliveme: nicky makes us watch die hard every year

doessavvyisgay: see u in hell, kiddo ;)

cleo.magda: I meant things like The Polar Express and Home Alone.

actualblessing: merry christmas ya filthy animals!!

doessavvyisgay: merry xmas y'all i'm gonna go to that christmas party bcs i'm super bored

unaliveme: merry christmas mothers and fuckers

cleo.magda: Merry Christmas, you guys!