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[thehourlythoughts]

Love - 11:24

I found love.

I found love in myself, in the things that I do, in the way that I speak, in the way that I write, in the way that I draw, in the way that I paint, in the way that I stroke every key on the piano.

I found love in my desire to try new things, find new places, and enjoy my own company.

I found love in the way my body moves, the unique features I have, the taste that I have. The way I place my hair, the colors I choose for myself, the clothes that I wear.

I found love in the way my mind works and processes, the way I love to continuously learn, the way I make mistakes. The way I create goals and attain them.

I found love in me. And that kind of love is enough.

[thehourlythoughts]

Silent battles -11:06

You reflect back and see what the people pleasing wounds have caused you.

You feel the judgment

You feel the abandonment

You feel the unsupportive mess

It’s a silent battle in your mind.

A battle because no one knows.

People think they know what’s best for you. But they don’t.

Time after time, you become more silent. The thoughts build and you’re afraid to speak, because all they ever did was judge. All they ever thought was knowing what was best for you.

It’s unfortunate to have people project their own wounds and fears into your future. You know you have always been supportive of their decisions. The reciprocation is unmatched.

They are not you. You are not them. Your experiences are not theirs.

It’s a silent battle for acceptance, to be heard, and understood for the decisions you make.

But it’s your life. Not theirs.

But if they love you for you and your relationship with them, then that is a genuine friendship.

[thehourlythoughts]

A Truthful Letter to JCR - 10:40pm

You run, and run, and run and hide away from your problems. 

It’s difficult for you to stomach that your core doesn’t match up to the surface level you. Your core is an understandably scared child hiding from the mirrors of trauma. 

And you can’t face it.

It’s your own criticism. That feeling of never being enough runs deeper before us. That feeling of being incapable to make me happy, runs deeper before us.

Within you. 

And what you fail to realize is that those same core wounds will continuously surface itself the minute you get close to anyone. You’re better than that. I know you are. I know who you can be and who you’re not. I know you better than you think. Don’t be afraid of your demons, but rather face them. Don’t let your demons grab hold of you when you’re swimming in alcohol- your most vulnerable state. 

You can continue to try to fill the void of my presence with meaningless conversations and dull entertainment in whatever form or person you choose, but the void will remain. The rage will remain, the demons will remain, and the lingering hope will remain until you choose to look in the mirror for who you really are and love and forgive yourself, the way I have endlessly for you. And when you finally take a look in the mirror, I will be here with love.

[thehourlythoughts]

Nightmare- 10:29pm

I wish someone would wake me up from this nightmare. A nightmare I can’t escape, but has become reality. 

The demons came out that humid July. 

And I can’t stop wondering why

Was it you or the devil that left a mark on me?

Why was there so much rage?

I don’t recognize us.

[thehourlythoughts]

“if’s”2:06am

And if we end, and the year dissolves to tears

when we finally say, “goodbye dear.”

if the love we felt runs dry

if the memories make us cry

if you hate me for leaving

if I’m bitter because you let me

remember the memories

only the memories

[thehourlythoughts]

“45 minutes” 3:30am

It's late, and I catch your eye. Your message lights up my phone, and the dead butterflies in my stomach revive, like a disease long past hibernation. You only want one thing and so do I. I put my best set on, hoping to impress you. I come over, you grab and unzip me. You sweet talk my ear and for that minute I feel wanted. You kiss me and your lips feel like gelatin under suede, with a taste of cigarettes and beer. I swallow the meaningless, empty words you pour into me. You throw me, and grab me, and slap me like your little doll. I'm fragile, submissive, vulnerable and I seem to have lost my morals. You fill me up, and tear me up. I pleasure you and I hang on to hoping that it would change your mind about me. You sweet talk me some more, play with me like a child, you cuddle me, caress me. I look at you with vulnerable eyes, hair in my face, and for 45 minutes I feel alive. Not a love I want, or am looking for. My body is appreciated but my mind isn't. You grab me like you want me, but it's only my body you want. And when I come home, and fall asleep next to the lifeless man I used to love, I wake up in the morning feeling like I dreamt the whole thing. And then the days go by until you yearn for another 45 minutes of meaningless love. 

[thehourlythoughts]

“Rollercoasters” 11:05pm

When did a shy child develop such a yearn to become a daredevil?

Or maybe it wasn’t the fact that I became a daredevil, but I wanted to fit the idea of being one.

Trying out new things and experiences.

I think I yearned to step out of my comfort zone rather than be a daredevil.

That’s another piece for another time.

Do you remember figuring out how to get over the butterflies while going down a rollercoaster? I think it was by accident. But it’s a piece of advice I give to those who enjoy the thrill.

The advice: When you’re about to dash through the air in a downward direction and you can’t tell if you’re going to projectile vomit or scream to your death, take a deep breath. Inhale deeply while you’re experiencing the rush of fear. That’s the trick. No butterflies.

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if I could just apply this to life in general?

I didn’t know my butterflies still existed- and then I met you.

[thehourlythoughts]

“Marriage” - 1:00am

I remember when we used to drunkenly tease who would get married first. We would fall over and laugh, point out the people who have been in relationships the longest. I was one of the people that got teased about that intense ritual. It was enough for others to believe, but not for me- at least not being the first amongst my friends to commit to o’holy matrimony.

We have entered the new year, and it’s ludicrous to think that this is really the decade where our lives start to bluntly mold into actual adulthood.

This is the decade where we truly become married, maybe not to a significant other, but to our lives.

Hearing the news brought to me today has filled me up with a feeling I can hardly fathom into words. For the first time, I have experienced literal tears of joy, and it’s a euphoric feeling. A feeling that’s unique to the self.

Being able to watch a relationship develop into something beautiful is an honor and one should be appreciative to witness something so organically written.

The lives of two people are no longer individualized, no longer singular, no longer “mine” “his” “hers”, but “ours”. They are united into one realm. Interconnectedness and everlasting. A love so strong, it’s the only thing the senses can recognize.

I sit here with a million others, and I try to decipher how such a chemical can blind the senses. We are told that love ties individuals together, and they become bound. And to explain it...

Love is never letting the fireworks stop and turn to smoke.

Love is holding hands and spinning around and around in circles until you’re sick.

Love is exploring the infinite galaxy of another persons mind.

Love is no longer being a whole, but a piece being broken into many pieces.

Love is feeling like your entire existence is stuck in REM.

Love is the song playing over and over in your head.

Love is...

[thehourlythoughts]

“Souls” 2:34am

Our souls met before

and perhaps at the time we met

we didn’t know it’d be like this

or maybe we both knew

immature

young

oblivious to even imagine being together

our souls met before

the time i kissed you in your car

naturally magnetized by you with such little effort

i felt the pull

our souls met before

and once i felt your touch

i knew you’d forever be apart of me

and once my soul recognized yours

i felt complete again

you were what i was missing

what i was longing for

our souls met before

and after each lifetime we pass through

i hope my soul finds yours again

our souls met before...

[thehourlythoughts]

“Circles” 12:56am

My first memory of you—

I remember humidity sticking to my skin while a gentle summer breeze swept right by me. I loosely stumbled onto the back seat of your car with no choice or will. The night was filled with alcohol and I tasted like cigarettes. I was trapped in your quiet presence and silence broke when you stared at me through your rear view mirror. I stared back at the stranger looking at me, and then you spoke.

You lectured me about how crude I was behaving for a 16 year old, like an overprotective fatherly figure. My ears filled with disbelief and I was upset you challenged my decisions. In a weird sense, I was moved by your way of concern...concerned about a life you didn’t even know.

My memory is clouded like murky water with no reflection. But I do remember thinking about you, I was drawn and I never wanted to admit that.

The Now—

We laugh and talk about how silly we both were, maybe me more than you. And it crosses my mind how maybe something good could’ve came out, maybe our history could’ve began earlier...maybe we would’ve ended...maybe we could’ve lasted.

Never did I think I would see you again. I fall over and laugh to myself, because I did see you again. But our lives were very different. Two different tracks, but we now shared the same taste for alcohol. And you probably didn’t have any recollection of who I was.

Never did I think we would end up together. How did we come back to this full circle?

Your persistence put this circle into effect, and I’m happy you did.

The constant talks— I don’t think you ever let a day go by without saying a word to me. And when you tried to convince me so many times to hang out with you... I avoided you because I knew I’d fall for you. I’d fall for that charismatic nature of yours, and your ability to draw me in with invisible strings.

The after dark rides to my house— drunk and talking about anything and everything. Sharing each other’s taste for new music. And when I kissed you for the first time that warm night in October, I thought about that kiss over and over. I was afraid I had ruined something so good, but your lips were what I wanted.

I left everything I knew behind and jumped. I folded. I was missing something in my life; and it was you.

And now you have me spinning in circles, circles, circles. I’m falling and it’s not the alcohol anymore.

It’s you.

[thehourlythoughts]

“Hate” 2:22am

I hate that you never think you’re wrong. I hate that we’re similar. I hate that you act like me when I’m upset. I hate that it’s so easy for you to ignore me. I hate that you think you know it all. I hate when you try to flip things on me. I hate feeling like I need to give in. I hate feeling like I start everything. I hate when we don’t talk. I hate not seeing you. I hate when I feel like a bother. I hate feeling like I overstay my welcome. I hate feeling like I don’t give you space. I hate feeling like I’m too dramatic. I hate missing you.

[thehourlythoughts]

“A Hard Lover” 10:25am

I’m a hard lover

Not in the sense that I am hard to love

But I give tough love

I was never one to be overly affectionate

Not that I didn’t like to be

But I didn’t know how to be

[thehourlythoughts]

“Life” 1:47am

Everyday I get reminded how precious life is,

How life can be taken from you in an instant,

How life can actually be so short,

We live everyday optimistically,

Thinking about deadlines & due dates that will eventually be completed,

But for some,

Those deadlines and due dates don’t get accomplished,

For some,

Those future goals are to never be seen,

For some,

Thinking about a life you have planned way ahead of you,

Is just that,

A mirage,

A fantasy,

All because it can be taken away from you

In an instant

[thehourlythoughts]

“Quietly” 11:04pm

When I love, I love quietly. I fell in love with your voice at every 2am call, with your slurred words and confused peak of mind, I fell in love with your laughter, at things that were the least funny, yet still made me laugh, I fell in love with your overprotectiveness, riding me home on your handle bars those late summer nights to make sure I was safe, I fell in love with your kindness, that softened me up to see a side I never had before, I fell in love with your eyes that summer by the lake, that turned a blue no body of water could match, I fell in love with your kiss, under the many stars I’ve never once seen before that illuminated the black sky, I fell in love with your smile, when you came home after months and first told me you loved me, I fell in love with your touch, after revealing our scars and battle wounds that were ever so sensitive to speak about, I fell in love watching you become so engrossed and passionate about cooking, I fell in love with your awe of the world and how small we are compared to the unknown in space, I fell in love with your argumentative view on religion and our differences that lay among us, I fell in love with your creativity and indulgence, and playfulness I fell in love after the tears we shed and fights we led, I fell in love falling asleep next to you, to the sound of the calming rain, I fell in love waking up next to you, with rays of light from the warm sun beaming on you I fell in love with you quietly, every day.

[thehourlythoughts]

“Alone” 5:00pm

We were put on this earth to contribute to some degree of good

Individually we came

Individually we go

It is up to us

To do the greater good

Whether it be with an infatuated being of yours

Whether it be with someone you hold onto for dear life

Or whether it be alone

I've come to realize that I am one of those

Who are better off

Alone

Regardless of the situation

For some reason

In the end I am made to be fit

Alone

As hard as I try

It brings me back to where it seems I'm meant to be

[thehourlythoughts]

“Centers” 11:38pm

I guess I've never really been the "center" of one's world. I don't really like calling it that because it's more than just being the center. It's filled with passion and elite happiness, equilibrium is met. So balanced and pure. Equal connectedness. It must really be such a beautiful thing, and I think that's when you know they are the one or maybe it's a clue that you are near finding them. It's a thought we each may think of nearly all the time or maybe a thought that comes once out of the blue, that may confuse us and drive us nearly insane with each potential person we come across. Yet, it is more than beautiful that as humans we mentally and emotionally do that; we are all in search of hopes to finding the one, our possible soulmate. However, patience is always key as you fall for many sets of eyes—eyes that tell stories and lessons. Be cautious, the set may be right in front of you, while your eyes search for a center piece.

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[thehourlythoughts]

“death” 11:35

If you've never had a near death experience, I hope to God you never do. Watching yourself slip away is one of the most terrifying things in the world, and I think that's what makes dying terrifying, especially if you know you aren't ready to leave your existence and the people around you. Death itself I would have imagined be rather much more peaceful. Feeling myself slip away, I had intense euphoria and utter happiness running through me. Probably the best last feeling you could ever feel. You begin to illuminate the room and rid the weight off your shoulders, and for once your mind is at peace. Peaceful enough to finally accept and say it's okay to let go. But that was the problem, I wasn't ready. I didn't see a white light, or become embraced by an angel's arms, instead I began to contemplate and felt in charge of that answer of what should happen next. I knew I wanted a better life for myself, to change my ways and begin a better path. Constantly telling myself to hold on a little longer, I knew I had it in me. I was born with strength and self control, and now was my opportunity to put it to the test. I needed to hold on, and I didn't want to hurt anyone else who was waiting by my side waiting to see if I would be okay. All I remember is sudden darkness, and having no ability to have any kind of perception of time. I knew I was alright, I knew I would be okay. I repeated that to myself so many times. I wasn’t dying.