#literal toilet humor

[onceuponapuffin]

Fanatic Intervention Part 18!!!!!!

I haven't been able to write for a week and it made me all squirrely.

Alright so the vote was for a weird roadside attraction, and I got THE MOST AMAZING recommendation. Just as a reminder, I do take requests for this fic :) This particular attraction was suggested to me by @hummingbee-lievable and I mean, I just couldn't say no. You'll understand why when we get there.

Here are some links to the music mentioned, in case you haven't ever heard it and want to :)

Vivaldi's Four Seasons

Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture

Let's do this.

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*************************************

Approximately 8 hours.

That’s how long you’d been driving for.

Aside from a couple bathroom breaks, and a quick trip through a fast food drive through (Aziraphale complained until you managed to persuade him to try french fries and a chocolate shake – suddenly he became positively fascinated, much less whiny, and much more fun to be stuck in a car with), the five of you have basically been on the road non-stop. You’ve all run out of things to talk about, the playlist has been shuffled and reshuffled often enough that you’re becoming able to tell the difference between the different concertos and symphonies that Aziraphale added. The SUV, roomy as it is, is becoming stuffy, and frankly you’re starting to feel sore in places that are going to make the next 20 hours of this...difficult to say the least.

“Okay,” You say, breaking the silence, “Honestly, I get that we’re on a bit of a time crunch, but if we don’t stop for a real break soon, I’m gonna lose my mind.”

“What,” snorts Crowley from the driver’s seat, “You mean you’ve had it this whole time? I am shocked.”

You stick your tongue out at him, and lean over into Sardis’ space to make sure Crowley can see it in the rearview mirror.

“Now, now,” Aziraphale says soothingly – he doesn’t fool you, you can see him smirking, “I’m very certain we can find a suitable place to rest for an hour. Some fresh air would probably do us all some good.”

Oh, so he’s getting restless too. Good to know you have Aziraphale on your side with this one. Sardis is already tapping around on his phone, and you glance over to see him googling the area. Thank someone. Anathema has her nose in a book, but gives a thumbs up to show that she agrees with the idea. So it’s basically unanimous. Sardis very quietly taps you and discreetly shows you his phone screen. You look over, figuring he must have found something and….oh.

OH BOY DID HE EVER.

It takes actual work to play it cool. If you don’t do this very carefully, you won’t get to see this glory in person. You nod at Sardis, who winks in return. The plan is set.

“I’ve found an art museum nearby,” he says. You can see Aziraphale’s face light up.

“Oh! That sounds lovely! Perhaps they have a cafe!”

“And maybe a gift shop!” You add hopefully. Best to sell this hard.

Crowley sighs. “Yeah fine, whatever. Just give me directions, would you?”

“Sure thing,” Sardis replies.

To cover your bases, you take you phone, and turn on Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. Aziraphale, utterly delighted by the turn of events, begins humming and conducting the non-existent orchestra. He loses himself to the music relatively quickly. Between that, Anathema in her book, and Sardis feeding Crowley directions one at a time, you’re off to the races.

As you get closer, you start to see signs advertising it. Crowley snorts once or twice, but doesn’t seem any the wiser as Sardis directs him. It isn’t until you pull into The Truck Yard that you can see his eyebrow raising in the mirror. And it isn’t until Sardis instructs him to park in front of the building that it seems to click. Aziraphale doesn’t notice until you turn off the music.

“We’re here!” You sing triumphantly.

“Are you serious?” Crowley asks.

“Oh most definitely,” You reply. Then the demon starts to laugh, and kicks open the door with a snort.

“Right, okay, come on then!”

Aziraphale hasn’t moved.

“Perhaps I’ll stay here,” he says.

“NOPE!” Crowley calls, crouching to look at Aziraphale through the driver’s door, “You wanted an art museum, angel, you’ve got one!”

Aziraphale groans and gets out of the car. He leans heavily upon the door as he closes it. “Yes,” he said, “But I hardly think this counts as art!”

“Think of it as modern art, angel!”

“...All the more reason for me to stick to the traditional sort.”

“As long as it doesn’t stick to the bottom of your shoe, am I right?” You say, because you just have to join in. Sardis laughs and Crowley snorts, and the three of you lead the way into Barney Smith’s Toilet Seat Art Museum. Aziraphale and Anathema follow behind, pretending not to know you. You spin around and walk backwards so that you can watch the two of them as they approach the door of the building, which features Roman-style pillars built out of toilets. Aziraphale glances at them with a sigh, but Anathema raises and eyebrow and goes in for a closer look.

“Huh,” she says, clearly impressed, “Actually, that’s really clever.”

“Ugh,” says Aziraphale, clearly unimpressed, “Vulgar is what it is.”

You enter the building, and find floor-to-ceiling toilet seats. They cover every inch of wall, an absolute punch to the eyes, and yes, it is beautiful. It is glorious. You let out a low whistle.

“Look at you,” You recite, because any opportunity to quote the show is one that should be taken, “You’re gorgeous.” You notice both Aziraphale and Crowley glance in your direction briefly, but you don’t elaborate, so they both look away while you take the opportunity to notice the tiniest of blushes between them. Ha. Softies, the both of them.

“It really is,” Sardis replies, oblivious, “I’d call it downright glorious.”

You look up, and then run back over to nudge Aziraphale. “Hey, Aziraphale, look at that!” You point upwards. “There’s some more traditional art for you!”

He follows your gaze, but is, as you predicted, still disgruntled. “Is that...Michelangelo??” Painted upon the high ceiling is a recreation of Michelangelo’s painting The Creation of Adam. However, this particular adaptation features a closeup of the hands – with God handing Adam a roll of toilet paper.

You hear Crowley snort. He comes over to you and Aziraphale just so he can say to you “Most useful she’s ever been, eh?”

“CROWLEY!” Aziraphale exclaims in disgust.

“Demon,” he replies with a smirk, and saunters away. With a giggle, you follow him to where Sardis is standing.

“Hey, Witch!” Sardis calls, “Here’s one for you! It’s all about Astrology!” He looks over his shoulder, and you follow his gaze to where Anathema has started looking at the seats with curiosity.

“I’ll be there in a minute!” she responds. You see her lean in for a closer inspection of the piece in front of her.

“You are really good at this road trip stuff,” You say as you turn back to Sardis. “Did you spend a lot of time on the road with your siblings?”

“Nah, but there were a few dinners where someone had to calm things down.”

“I can imagine.” You go quiet for a while before something occurs to you. “You know, you barely know us, and you’re a lot more...open about things that I would expect, well, anyone really, to be.”

Sardis shrugs. “Well who am I going to share with? Philly was the only one I still talked to.”

You think about your first impressions of Sardis. Someone who likes to play games, someone who takes things half-seriously, but would probably monologue if you let him. Oh. He’s lonely.

“I want to trust you Sardis,” You say after a minute, “I just...I’ve been disappointed by enough people in the past that I’m still trying to decide if I can.”

He nods. “No hard feelings, Moth. Trust is a hard thing, and it takes time. So by all means take yours. Just do me a favour and put up with me in the meantime, eh? I haven’t met many humans willing to trick both an angel and a demon into visiting a toilet seat art museum with me.” He winks at you, and you can’t help but smile back.

“Oi!” Crowley announces, “Angel! Come look! This one’ll perk you up! It’s got sheet music on it*! Get it?? SHEET MUSIC!”

You and Sardis both burst out laughing, and you wander over to see this masterpiece. Anathema is coming too, and she’s also giggling even though you can tell she’s trying not to. Even Aziraphale has cracked a smile despite himself.

“Really, Crowley,” he says with a shake of his head. The angel sighs. “Right, let’s see then.” Aziraphale pulls his tiny glasses out of his pocket and puts them on his nose. Then he leans in to inspect the classical music that has been collaged onto the toilet seat, plastered beneath the title “Cannon Ball.” He hums to himself as he inspects the notes, and after a moment he starts to conduct to himself. Sardis has come and joined in, so now the full group is watching Aziraphale in anticipation – waiting for his verdict. After a minute or two, Aziraphale leans back, takes the glasses off, and polishes them with a cloth from his pocket. “It appears to be an excerpt from Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture. Specifically the bridge, which is famously known for including cannons as a musical instrument.” He glances up at you all sideways, the tiniest of Michael-Sheenian smirks upon his lips. “It is indeed, sheet music.”

No one is able to contain their laughter, not even Aziraphale.

By the time all of you head back to the car, everyone is in much better spirits. Aziraphale admits that it was a good idea to stop here after all, even if it still isn’t his idea of art. Overall, the car feels much lighter and happier than it had a few hours ago, so you bask in it. Even after the toilet jokes fade away, the mood stays. For the first time since New York, things feel light and the challenges ahead of you feel manageable.

Sometimes you just gotta stop and smell the toilet seat.

And no, I will not apologize for that line.

* My Dear Reader, I need to pull you away for a minute to quickly tell you that I have never been to this incredible museum, so I have no idea if this particular piece actually exists. But I had to, you understand. I just HAD to.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 🖤

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[alleykatart]

I'd like to introduce you all to the Stoilet. It is a toilet installed facing and directly across from a staircase with no doors between the staircase and the kitchen. It is not only deeply unclean, it is also a safety hazard. I am now obsessed with the Stoilet.

[moomoocowmaid]

Use the bathroom by the three Ts: Tinkle, Toilet Paper, & the most important, Tumblr

[kissoflightning]

[latimeria-fell-from-heaven]

teleportation toilet go wheee

[cakiette]

“MISTAH PHONE HJELP MEH IM THROWING UP !!!111!!!!!1!”

[vernnillion]

i shit for too long

[yoinkschief]

I think Tyler, at the age of 7, would think that Boobies is a swear word for some odd reason

I feel like Tom laugh every time he hears him say it tho

[one-and-a-half-threat]

every so often im reminded that pretty much any source of media has a fandom/fanbase. and every so often my mind is blown. and every so often i remind myself that people finding joy in the same things that once brought me joy, even if it was years and years ago, is such a wonderful thing. and every so often i think that humans are amazing.

[mandaloriandragontrainer]

I still maintain that my only real gripe with TDP is that sometimes the comedy feels really tonally inconsistent with how dark the show is overall. Like the flossing bit. It’s already dated.

[endearingsalt]

“lol random” humor is a developmental stage, you dipshits. obviously the kids are still into it

[theafrochick]

Y'know I saw a post like years ago that boiled down to men hating on things women primarily enjoy feels misogynistic and I wrote it off but now here I sit and every time me and the transman in our group are talking about things we both enjoy the boys go 'im glad you two get along so you can talk about this weird shit with each other'. And it's like...glad you admit out loud you won't pretend to care about things we like when I pretend to care every time you talk about fucking gambling in CSGO or league of fucking legends.

Did I mention said weird shit was just engaging in media literacy and talking about what makes a good main character?

[checkoutmybookshelf]

I mean...this combination of depth and toilet humor is literally Shakespearean, so A+ for Eoin Colfer.

[kobebibebi]

well school has seriously taken over my life even if i want to draw so badly rn

so here's a very old idea i had for an au that I didn't get to finish (based off spookyfish) it does kinda suck LMAO it's very unserious

the gist was just basically like invert their every trait as best as i can

honestly i just took those traits from the south park fan wiki,, because im not that literate in words lolol

a huge inspiration/motivation (w spite) i have for this is the mirrorverse au but it just didn't align with me right how in mirrorverse it's JUST THE MORALS that are inverted and basically everything was the same,, there aren't much fanworks I've seen that actually try to make them the polar opposite instead of just south park but evil™ (isn't that just south park??)

and yk how the main 4 look like average kids, so i made them look not your typical ten year olds and personality wise they hate toilet humor

(also now that i realize i just made stan and kyle have fanon cartman traits/fashion skdhjd)

[preposterousgreen]

[in front of a crowded cafeteria]

Zack: Cloudy, I can't believe you would betray me like that!

Cloud: What? I have no idea what you're talking about!

Zack: Oh, don't play dumb with me, mister. You were loving on her right in the open, on a damn street corner!

Cloud: W-who? Zack, everyone's staring!

Zack: That gorgeous blonde? With the floofy pants? Give me a break! She was slobbering all over you! Literally!

Cloud:

Cloud:

Cloud: The dog? That golden retriever?!

[minutes later]

Zack: *cackling like a loon in between Cloud trying to drown him in a toilet bowl*

Cloud: You have the worst sense of humor in history.💢

[caelesjjk]

entangled | jjk&kth - teaser

⟶title: entangled

⟶au: marvel au

⟶ rating: 18+

⟶ genre: romance, smut, love triangle

⟶wc: 1.5k for this

⟶banner: by meee, and yes I’m insane and made a new one

⟶warnings: mentions of blood, kissing, a boob grab and an ass grab, but no actual smut for this, Jungkook calls you Data

⟶ summary: Jeon Jungkook is Spider-Man.

He saved your life twice. But he’s also been your sweet lab partner in college for the past two years and now someone who is more than just a friend.

You care about him…maybe even love him. But something tells you that you aren’t quite sure what love even is. How could you when you have feelings for someone else as well?

Kim Taehyung is the handsome stranger you’ve seen around campus and somehow ended up dancing with at Club Onyx. You were upset that Jungkook had stood you up once again and Taehyung made you feel like you were on top of the world.

What you didn’t know that night, is the dark secret Taehyung is trying desperately to hide, but the closer the two of you get the more difficult that becomes.

⟶ authors note: hello darklings. I know a lot of people have been waiting for this fic, and you’ll have wait just a bit more. But in the meantime, I offer this little teaser to hold you over. A little glimpse of spidey kook. First chapter will be posted in just a few weeks!

Also, if you asked to be on the taglist just now that I tried messing with it for a long ass time and got annoyed lol. I may try again for the actual fic.

“What are you doing here anyways?” You shove against his broad chest and feel his arm release your waist. He sighs, following you inside your apartment.

“I know you’re upset I missed the study session…” Jungkook starts to explain, but you twist back around to face him.

“If my friends hadn’t seen you around campus now and then, they would think I made you up, Jungkook. You never show. It makes me look pathetic.” You cross your arms over your chest and wait for the next excuse.

“You aren’t pathetic, Data. I’m just…” Jungkook winces when he reaches for you, a hand moving down to his ribs in pain. “Sorry, it’s healing it’s just slow.”

“What’s healing? What happened to you?” You let the fight go for a moment, closing the space between the two of you and moving his hand out of the way.

Beneath his fingers is a large cut, bloody but half hidden by his suit. It looks angry and inflamed. What could’ve made a cut like this?

“It’s nothing. I’ll heal up in a couple hours.” He pulls your hand away, blood stained on the tips of your fingers.

“It won’t matter how quick you heal if it gets infected. Come in here.” Your hand wraps around his and you pull him into your small bathroom. You steady him against your bathroom vanity and move to grab your first aid kit from the cabinet above your toilet. “Take that off.” You gesture to his Spider-Man suit.

“Yes, ma’am.” Jungkook teases, gingerly working his top half out of the suit. He hisses through his teeth as he peels the suit away from his ribs and lets it hang at his hips.

You are not the universe's strongest soldier.

Your eyes drift over all the dips and curves of muscle. A perfectly sculpted chest and abs you could literally eat off of are scrambling every sense you have in your head. You need to focus. Stay focused on the task at hand and not his ridiculously toned body.

“You okay, Data?” He asks, humor in his voice. That horrid nickname he had given you in your first year as lab partners is feeling more endearing these days. You clear your throat.

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? Just tending to Spider-Man’s wounds in my extremely tiny bathroom.” You try to laugh but it doesn’t sound genuine.

You take out some bandages and gauze and get to work cleaning him up. But even as you tape down the gauze, you can visibly see the wound getting smaller. Super powers were really something else.

“Data.” Jungkook’s voice brings you back to reality.

“What?” You sigh.

“Please come here.” His hands reach for your hips and you give in, letting him pull you until you’re flush against him, suddenly nose to nose. “That’s better.”

“I’m angry with you.” You whisper, heart pumping a bit faster in the close proximity.

“I know that you are. I’m really sorry…I swear I wanted to be there.” You look down to see him slip his gloves off his hands and sit them on the countertop before they’re coming up to cup your face.

“Then what happened? You need to tell me.” Your hands wrap around his wrists.

“There’s something out there, Data. A…monster that we can’t figure out. He’s strong…and fast. Nothing I’ve ever seen before.” His thumbs brush the corners of your mouth.

“What does it want?”

“It keeps breaking into the Lab across the River. It’s looking for something. But no one at the lab is being very forthcoming with information.” His forehead presses to yours, “but Mr. Kim is working on that part.”

Seokjin Kim, also known as Ironman. He was a mentor and a good friend to Jungkook. He had helped Jungkook navigate the new world of being a superhero and also gave him a job to help him pay for school.

“Hasn’t Mr. Kim told you to call him Jin over and over?” You tease, hands coming up to rest against his chest. Jungkook laughs quietly, pulling you closer.

“He has. Guess it just slipped out.” His hands move down to palm your ass.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?” You raise an eyebrow in question of his actions.

“Just feels like I haven’t touched you in so long.” His warm mouth finds your throat and he presses kisses to the skin.

“Two days is a long time?”

“It is when it comes to you. Thinking about how much I want you gets so distracting.” He nuzzles into the crook of your neck making you giggle.

“So what I did for you two days ago wasn’t enough?” You let your hands slither down from his chest and over the planes of his stomach.

“Never enough.” His nose skims over your jaw until you’re back face to face and his lips are devouring yours. “I’d like to pay you back.”

“How?” You moan when you’re cut off by his tongue sliding into your mouth.

“Let me show you?” Jungkook pulls away from the kiss, taking your hand and leading you out of the bathroom.

Thinking he means to lead you to your bed, you start to pull him towards it but he seems to have other ideas, walking you back out onto the balcony. He releases your hand momentarily to slide his suit back up over his shoulders.

“What are you going to show me out here, Jungkook?” You start to feel suspicious.

“Do you trust me?” He jumps up onto your railing with ease, still holding your hand in his.

“Not if it involves you swinging me around off the side of buildings.” You start to pull your hand out of his, but his web shooter from the other wrist shoots a web at your torso, using his inhuman strength to pull you up onto the railing into his arms.

“I would never let you fall. Never. Just close your eyes for a few minutes. I promise it’ll be worth it, Data.” He touches your cheek gently, and even though you want to throw up every time he does this, you close your eyes and wrap your arms as tightly as possible around his neck and legs around his waist. “Ready?” He whispers in your ear, one strong arm wrapping around your back.

You don’t verbally answer, just nod once before burying your face into his neck.

And then the ground is no longer beneath your feet and the sickening feeling of free falling is very apparent. You try to breathe, squeezing yourself around Jungkook as you listen to the whooshing sound of his web shooters discharge and swing you between the tallest buildings in the city.

“You’re doing amazing.” Jungkook kisses your cheek, “just another minute.”

You keep your eyes squeezed shut until the curiosity becomes too overwhelming, making you dare to open your eyes just the slightest bit. You see the sun completely setting on the horizon, orange and purple hues slowly disappearing beneath the river. As long as you don’t think about how high up you are, it really is beautiful up here.

Jungkook shoots a web straight up into the air, letting it connect to the side of one of the tallest buildings, slowly pulling the two of you up until he’s reached the highest ledge, tapping your thighs so you know it’s safe to put your feet down.

“Why are we up here, Jungkook? You know the heights..” he kisses you before you can finish the sentence.

“Can we try something?” He smiles, and it’s infuriating. You’re too weak for this spidey boy. You sigh with exasperation.

“I’m already very wary of saying yes.” You look away from the ledge towards the top of the building.

“Let me make you feel good…up here.” His cheeks heat a little when he asks.

“Is this some kind of weird adrenaline thing? Why would you want that?” Your voice cracks and you sputter, disbelief heavy in your tone.

“I think it’ll be intense…feel so good.” His lips move down and his teeth nip at your jaw.

“It’s insane…” you melt into his touch and the way his mouth sucks at your neck.

“If you don’t like it, I’ll take you home. And I’ll get you naked in your bed instead.” He pulls your shirt over your head, fully knowing you’re about to give in.

“Bed sounds so good right now…”

“Please, Data…just try it.” He tosses your shirt to the side, cupping your breasts and kissing the tops of them.

“What do I have to do?” You feel too good to let the fear ruin the way he’s making you feel.

“Lie back on the ledge, with your arms above your head and your wrists crossed.”

You let him lead you down onto the ledge, every nerve in your body is hot and on the edge. Jungkook makes sure that you’re settled before he stands back up straight, looking down at you while you slowly move your arms above your head the way he asked.

“You’re perfect, Data.” Jungkook stares at you a moment longer before he aims his web shooter and traps your wrists together against the concrete ledge beneath you.