#listen I'm mentally ill and i hate my dad

[dandylion-s]

Do you guys know about jenny. She's from thebes. Do you know about her.

[inkskinned]

i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.

i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.

the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.

i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.

i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.

as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?

what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.

i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.

i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.

it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.

[midwestemoismid]

Do you ever love a character so much you sorta steal your entire personality from them,,

<autism rant>

Cuz like I'm obsessed with Nicole from class of '09, if sorta stolen my whole humor from her, Which isn't really a good thing because shes kinda a piece of shit, the game revolves around her being a horrible person or trying to kill herself or something like that, I'm not like as mentally ill as her, but my humor has evolved to be similar to Nicole and ive sorta had this not care attitude. I've also been really jokingly mean to one of my best friends (he knows its a joke, thats our humor) but I accidentally did that to my little brother and felt SO bad lmao,, (he said something very obviously and I loudly go "yeah no fucking shit bitch" then started apologizing profusely) This other time I was playing blooket w/ that same friend and I did something that made him eat a fake burger and I went really loud "have this fucking burger you fat ass bitch" and hje just stared at me like wtf,, and the other person on the call (who I just met) was SHOCKED.

i'm not a bad person,, hes okay with me making those jokes btw

well im sorta a bad person but i'm working on that

i sorta hate having obsessions over character because i want to BE THEM. and it sucks even more when theyre a horrible person--and when theyre a girl,, cuz like i want to de-transition and become a terrible person and chane my name to Nicole WHAT THE FUCK WHY I DONT KNOW and like i had an alt acc on tiktok where i used she/her and named myself nicole and it was like a class of 09 fanpage sorta. and like i dont wanna be a bad person nor do i wanna hurt people feelings or be addicted to drugs AT ALL but like NICOLE🙏🙏🙏

this always happens when i have some sort of obsession. i dont typically have favorites but when i do its like an obsession

and like one other problem with being obsessed with nicole is i accidentally obsess over mental illness and (stuff i shouldnt obsess over), wich is really bad and unhealthy.

I gain little obsessions over certain things, like right now im REALLY obsessed with a game called "bad parenting" and it's a really really sad game. I wont spoil it but its genuinelly depressing and made me cry. after i saw it i wanted to hug my dad and tell him i loved him for being a good dad. ive been listening to the backround song on repeat for a bit, i might even draw fanart of it idk,, but i feel like i shouldnt be hyper obsessed with it

as a kid i also was really obsessed with "salad fingers" wich had a sadish theme to it, i kinda forget the plot but i thought it was interesting and how the main charecter was kinda messed up.

I also really like "little miss fortune" wich was also really sad. again i dont remember the plot my childhood is sorta a blur and i dont remember it well

"Sally face" is another sad game i liked. not gonna spoilt it but i loved the supernatural bit and there was a lot of death.

I also really love horror movies, ESPECIALLY horror movies that go into psychology. Like for example, saw is pretty interesting because its cool to see if people would rather cut of an arm or die. I know it's fake but it's still really cool.

Theres a lot i find interesting but i dont wanna sound like im actually insane lol

This ran went in so many placed i forgot what the original post was about😭 took me abt 2 and 1/2 class period to wright

If you read this all, thanks! If you relate reblog or comment (or make a new post and tag me) and tell me what charecter you relate to/obsess over

[beanghostprincess]

zolu or frobin for the ship thing!!

YAY I THOUGHT NOBODY WOULD ASK ME ANYTHING NGL AUIBFJKASFDFBFASBFJK

zolu: they make me mentally, physically, and spiritually ill. they're one of my favorite ships if not my favorite ship of all one piece. actually heavily surprised they aren't more popular, but i'm glad opla is kind of changing that. anyway- i've been shipping them since day 1. zoro's devotion to luffy is something i will never get tired of. the fact that he does not believe in any god canonically but the way he follows luffy is so easy to compare to religious imagery makes me weak in the knees and wanting to curl up and cry. zoro is luffy's anchor and the one that guides him when he's lost, and luffy is the one that saved zoro from a life of loneliness and gave him the chance to follow a dream he would have never fulfilled if he had continued on his own. luffy is, kind of literally, his sun. and i'm not even talking about moon/sun dynamics. i don't even consider them to be that specific trope. luffy is literally his sun and god and best friend and boyfriend and captain and everything. if you ask zoro what is luffy for him? his everything. that silly rubber guy? his captain. his sun. his moon. his stars. his dream. also!!! people never talk about luffy's pov when it comes to zolu, and it makes me so so so mad!!!! because his perception of zoro is so beautiful. luffy trusts him with his whole soul and would leave the crew on his bare hands if he needed to. zoro's his first mate. that's a captain's heart, man. luffy might be the captain but he's emotional and irrational, and he listens to what zoro has to say. their silent communication makes me want to bang my head against the concrete floor. luffy relies on him and zoro lets his guard down when it comes to luffy. they're so in love, whether you see it romantically or platonically... i love that they're so clingy and silly and so so so powerful together. if something happened to the other their worlds would literally be completely ruined. their love literally goes beyond romantic and platonic. they're the perfect definition of queer platonic. honestly, i'm not fond of luffy in sexual situations but when it comes to zolu it's just so easy to picture them being so so intimate... i'm gonna cry writing this they're so dear to me.

frobin: i want them to adopt me so damn much. my parents. mom and dad. i usually hate it when people use family labels when it comes to found family, because the point of found family is that they're not a conventional family but they love each other even more deeply than a blood related one does. however, this is my exception because i really really really think they give married vibes and i want them as my parents. their dynamic is so good!! perhaps it's just the fact that their arcs are basically the same one and they're the main characters of water 7/enies lobby (along with our dear god usopp. shout out to my boyfriend out there!!) but their backstories and dynamic are sooooo satisfactory and angsty and domestic to watch (yes, all at the same time). robin's personality is gentle and sweet but also kind of dark and satiric, with a lot of pain behind from her past. franky, on the other hand, is a big, funny, eccentric and extremely adorable guy with an emotional touch and a lot of energy. at first it's just "big funny guy x sweet gentle girl" but in reality is "big funny guy that always takes care of everyone with a smile on his face and is extremely protective of the one he loves x sweet gentle girl that is learning how to enjoy life and will protect her new family at all costs". it's not just the angst and hurt/comfort of it all, though! i love the fact that she's satiric and dark and he's just- he's just fucking scared of her sometimes. and tbh if you're not scared of your hot, goth, intelligent wife, what's the point? you know that meme of will smith showing off his wife? that's literally them. robin does anything and he's there supporting her. franky does anything and she's there saying "that idiot right there is my husband *tiny giggle*". anyway, basically they're very gentle and domestic and i wish my parents loved me the way they would please please franky and robin kiss get married and then adopt me plea-

TL;TR: i love both ships a lot! 10/10 <3

[aroaceconfessions]

Tw: aro, ace, and transphobia

So me and my sibling are both aromantic and under the trans umbrella, the only main difference in out identities being that they're alloaro and I'm aroace. It's very cool!! We're both romance repulsed too so that's also neat. It's a thing we have bonded over before and it's very nice.

But our dad literally thinks that aromantic, asexual, and especially trans people are either mentally ill or actively malicious. He literally went on a rant in front of us unprovoked about it a few years ago and I still remember crumbling to my knees when I got out of it. The worst part about it is that he tried to convince us he didn't think that way anymore over the next few months, but when visiting family he got into a very loud argument with them. He literally almost forced us to drive home in the middle of the night for 12 hours because of it, and my mom wasn't there to calm him down. Our family was literally almost torn apart over this. It was awful.

So me and my sibling have hid from our dad the best we can. It's complicated sometimes because my sibling is willing to forgive him because they're closer but I am not. It's hard to exist and trust someone who literally would hate you if they knew your true identity.

I feel like I have an even harder time because he just assumes I'm queer, but just doesn't know how. He has tried to pry multiple times and I have to try to keep my cool during it. It sucks.

So anyways thanks for listening to that disaster.

Submitted April 29, 2023

[nozomi-kaizoku]

One thing that genuinely pisses me off is how my dad will constantly point out me, my sister, and my mom's shortcomings and be so quick to blame us for it, yet when we point out his shortcomings that are genuinely harmful, all of a sudden he's "being invalidated", and that we "hurt his feelings" and shit, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN CONSIDER HOW WE FEEL EITHER WHICH FUCKING SUCKS!

Literally just today my parents were arguing about how my mental health was affecting my ability to attend school, and he's over there saying "oh, we should put [him] in a boarding school", "[he]'s doing this on purpose" yap yap yap, basically blaming me for all of this shit. (I put m pronouns in the brackets cause he was misgendering me the whole time btw)

And then I go an step out to get something, he calls me over, and basically just starts shaming me (in front of my mom an sister btw) for getting suspended and sharing how I feel about mr. Gonzales n shit, and when my mom tried to explain and elaborate on something to him, he completely blew her off.

And my mom (bless her heart btw) was literally trying to defend this asshole because she loves him, like a lot, and I feel bad that she has to put up with this tbh.

"he didn't know, he's trying his best" Not only does he know, HE'S SAYING THESE THINGS IN THE MOST DEGRADING MATTER POSSIBLE JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR GETTING SUSPENDED, AND I JUST SJFJKFHERUFERFHR /NEG

Also, I accidentally bought $20 worth of shit on Thursday because he gave me his credit card to buy a soda, and he got in trouble for letting me go out and spend that much, and instead of holding himself accountable, he decides to drag it to today (TWO DAYS LATER) and complain about him "being thrown under the bus", like I'M SORRY BUT YOU'RE THE 50 SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN BEING PUT IN CHARGE OF MYFINACIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE MENTALLY ILL ASS, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE FUCKING CREDIT CARD AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO STOP ME.

and oh man am I getting genuinely tired of his fucking trauma dumping.

He talks about how his mental health and how angry he is at something, yet when we have the AUDACITY to try and talk about how WE feel, instead of taking the time to listen and understand, he basically dismisses us and does this thing I personally call "fake praising" (which is basically when he gives someone praise but it's in such a condescending and almost sarcastic tone to where it doesn't feel like genuine praise at all), and even straight up invalidates us n shit, it's fucking infuriating man.

And the fucked up part? whenever my mom does these things, all of a sudden it's this horrible abusive thing and that he's a selfish bitch, which upsets me because unlike him, she doesn't have as much control over it (though she's working on it), and both she and I have BPD, which makes this even more fucked up because he's so quick to judge us for the same shit he does just because we have a mental illness we can't control.

It infuriates me so much how he's quick to dismiss other people's struggles and sometimes tell them it's their fault, and then the minute he receives ANY amount of criticism against genuinely shitty actions, all of a sudden he's a victim?? FUCK THAT!

I'd say he has a big ego and it's becoming an issue, but i don't want to give the NPD community any shit (since they already got so much stigma on their hands), and I'm not gonna say he's faking any of this either, cause that's not okay, but he REALLY heeds to get a therapist to talk to instead of dumping his issues on the rest of his family.

OH! did I forget to mention he makes weird comments bout my body without my consent anytime I dress alternatively, and he's told me in the past that I have an "athlete's body"? Yeah, kind of weird..

He does ALL of this, and yet still wonders why I hate him.

man is it infuriating...

EDIT: forgot to mention that he doesn't even go to my appointments, nor has he even MET my therapist, or any of that shit, so he has no right to even talk about my mental health like that.

Also, he's extremely invasive about how my medications are working and if I took them n shit, and he says it's "so I can know if my coworker Brian can be prescribed them".

like first off the medications working bit is something for my doctor to ask, not you, second off, I get if you're reminding me, but for you to basically come at me and yell at me for not taking them and then acting like I got angry because I didn't take those medications because "I can tell that you're off them", and third off, if Brian really wanted to talk about my medications so that he can speak with his doctor about it, he should talk with me directly so that he can know first hand how it works and what the side effects are, he doesn't need to have my dad (who has no knowledge about mental health medications whatsoever) come and ask invasive questions about my medications and risk spreading harmful misinformation that's gonna get him killed.

Let's just say I'm probably gonna have him talk to my therapist on my behalf so that he actually, yknow, LEARNS NOT TO BE A FUCKING DICK TO THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM??

[mirroredmemoriez]

Amanda's misguidance.

I was doing bad- Then I saw a THIRSTY ass post and began giggling (if you can assume who you are, thanks I guess!) but I'll still speak my weewoo brain. (Ok! I never posted this back then, this has been sitting for maybe a week, but the thirsty post was someone's dream.) (WEEKS NOW) I think uh, one of the things that really gets to me about Amanda's character is truly how misguided she was. I know a lot of what I'm going to say has been talked about and all that jazz but I don't really care... This is my rambling not yours. Anyway, she didn't have any solid parental figures even before John. We know that her dad was abusive/neglectful and her mother is never mentioned, not to my knowledge. I've kinda headcannoned her parents as addicts as well, obviously addiction and things such as it can run through families. (Saw X has now highlighted how terrible her father is even more) The wiki page for Amanda Young

This is where her self destructive nature began developing, the lack of care and love but an abundance of neglect and abuse resulting in her not really knowing how to take care of herself or others. I'm not saying she can't love or care for things either, but she doesn't know the correct way of doing so. Amanda loved John, that is a very clear thing. I don't think she knows how to handle her love or where to pinpoint it however. In the sense that she's not experienced parental love, friendships or romantic relationships- Not ones at least that weren't with people who were as down under as her, so I don't count Cecil.

She sees John as a father figure, a leader and a teacher. John is her only guide to life, somebody who set her on a path, even if it wasn't the right one. Amanda is indebt to him for ''helping'' her, even if it's up for debate whether he truly did help, Amanda's drug addiction was by far not her only issue if you look at the bigger picture. She clung to him like a lifeline, even when he hurt her, made her do things she didn't truly believe she could. We know she feels guilt for killing Adam due to the deleted scene where she has a nightmare about him and we also have the fact it was a ''mercy'' killing in the first place. Amanda is tested repeatedly and we also have to acknowledge around the start of her becoming an apprentice, she was going cold turkey, which the symptoms for are horrible. However, she still kept loyal to John and his cause, other people going through such a thing are quick to tell their closest family members they hate them or even ''backstab'' them in pursuit of a fix. Amanda doesn't. Even later on, she never turns back to drugs, instead going back to using self harm as a coping mechanism. I don’t believe the ''love'' she has for John is one sided either, I think he does care for her in his own way, but his self righteous nature at times doesn't let him fully give the support and tenderness Amanda needs.

It makes you wonder what Amanda could of been had she found somebody else who could give her direction, a cause. Somebody prepared to have her as a first priority over their ideology. Where would she be? Could she function in society or would she crush under the pressure. She's never been ''evil'' to me or a cold hearted villain like other horror icons. Amanda is a severely traumatized mentally ill woman, one who kills and tortures due to the fact the only person she has in the world is telling her it's the right thing. Of course, some people will argue that she purposely makes her traps basically impossible, so she isn't even fully listening to John and his beliefs but that's because of how misguided she is.

She DID survive her trap and look at her. Obviously, it also comes from the fact she believes people can't change but you can't really blame her for that either. The amount of death and torment she's been subjected to lasted her a lifetime and was her death, no peace. And even in death? She was reaching for John. Because even with all the pain he put her through, mentally and physically, she loved him. Her saviour who caused so many of her wounds and left others to get infected.

Misguided to the very end.

[twoidiotwriters1]

The Curse of Oenone (Leo Valdez xFem!Oc)

A/N: I feel much better now! Women prevail -Danny Words: 1,905 Series' Masterlist Previous Chapter // Next Chapter Listen to: 'House Song' -by Searows

LIV: Wasting Away to Be Useful All the Time Ain't Paying Off, Methinks

The dream changes, now Nico and Ara are on the fire escape of her parent's apartment.

"I'll go back to a witch trial," the girl leans her head on both arms and groans. "Iris messages aren't working! How am I supposed to tell them to hold on until August first?!"

"I already told Clovis I'm on my way."

"Like that's gonna fix it..." Ara stands upright, staring at the urban scenery with a troubled expression. "I never noticed how pretty this place was at sunrise..."

Nico doesn't seem as enchanted. "How is your crew holding up?"

"Jason got hurt but he's coming around," Ara lies, not wanting to worry Nico. "We caught Nike and she's helping us figure out a way to, you know, safely euthanize Leo. How's yours?"

"Steady and in great condition," Nico replies, and he's probably lying too, for the exact same reason. "How are you?"

The girl stares at her fingers, squeezing the railing and drinking in these seconds at home. "I'm trying not to think much, obviously, because... how do I even process all of it?"

"That you're soulmate's fated to die?" Nico snorts with a tone of sarcasm. "But it's so easy..."

"Not a soulmate," she mutters grumpily.

"I think it's sort of impossible," Nico pauses and glares at her. "Don't take that as a challenge."

She smiles a bit. "I don't know what to do. Do I hype myself up to get over Leo, or tell him we'll be together forever? What did Helen do that I shouldn't?" Ara squints and rubs her brow. "It's so unclear if she loved Paris or not..."

Nico shrugs, fidgeting with his ring. "Even if you figure it out, it won't make things easier. The two armies under your command are about to kill each other and you have a bunch of mentally ill gods giving out crazy orders, then there's the curse. How do you choose which one to tackle first? You just deal with them as they come."

"It's not working," Ara scowls. "Had it coming, though. All of this feels right."

Nico raises a brow. "What do you mean?"

Ara thinks of her next words carefully. "I just accepted that this is the weight I'll carry forever. At least I've gotten stronger."

Nico frowns. "You've also aged, though."

"I was going to, anyway. The only thing that I've been unable to outgrow is feelings. Leo chose his path and I must be okay with it... I love him, so I either go along or get in his way and make it worse—and since I can't offer a better alternative..." Ara sighs heavily, giving in. "I suppose I'll follow Eros's advice."

Nico's expression sombers. "So Leo will die?"

"The difference is that maybe this time it might not be permanent, and he might save another soul if he succeeds," Ara faces her friend. "Nike told us about the Physician's Cure—"

"Oh, my dad hates that," Nico pipes in.

"You know what that is?"

"The cure for death? Yeah," the boy scratches his nose casually. "One of Apollo's sons created it, but my dad forbade him from doing it again... so good luck getting it."

"Thanks," Ara says sarcastically. "You always make me feel so much better about the bad stuff in my life."

"We're talking about the last resource of last resources," he raises a brow. "You might as well go to my father and ask for Leo back."

"If I only wanted him to come back, I would drag him out of the Underworld Orpheus-style minus the looking," she rolls her eyes. "But big dumb-dumb made an oath to go back to Ogygia and get Calypso—so not only does he need to die, he has to be blasted out so he can go back to her island or he'll die regardless of the antidote he gets from the gods."

Nico frowns. "Your boyfriend is the stupidest man alive."

"He's a genius that likes to overcomplicate things, but yeah, love made him stupid," Ara mumbles, looking more sad than angry. "And I'm just like him."

"Minus the genius part."

"Whatever, man."

Nico gives her a look when she doesn't react to his teasing, and he makes an attempt to cheer her up. "Listen, sometimes the fates do things that feel unjust, but in the long run, they're for the better. Leo's choice was hard to make no doubt, he would rather cut his leg than leave you, and still, he's willing to risk his life not just for you but also for Calypso and the rest of the world... that's brave."

"I don't want him to come back to me if it means it's always going to hurt him," Ara confesses worryingly. "I'd be happier looking at him from afar."

"No, you wouldn't," Nico replies in a strange voice. "You really wouldn't."

"I mean it." Her voice trembles. "I haven't been the best version of myself since I decided to become a child of Olympus... Leo is good in a way I can no longer be, and that's why he's dying. Because he's kind and selfless, and I won't give him up because I'm stubborn and selfish, so they're taking him away by force."

She looks away for a moment. Nico squeezes her shoulder tighter than he's ever touched her in the last three years. "Ara, listen... all the bad stuff I've said to you, they aren't true. You can't be perfect, that's it."

"Exactly. I should've stayed away," she presses. "Life kept telling me that romance was off-limits, that I wouldn't be able to handle it, and yet I took Leo as soon as I had the chance, and he says he doesn't mind dying but—"

"You've experienced this too many times, just in this lifetime," Nico finishes knowingly. "His reassurance feels empty, I get it."

"He could've been loved and cared for on Calypso's island, and he didn't stay because of me," she says bitterly. "I should've been the one to jump into Tartarus. But now I've got people under my care, so I can't let myself die now..."

"I don't think this is about wrong choices or bad timing," her friend retorts. "I doubt you were more deserving of the curse in your past lives than you are now—hell, I even doubt Helen was deserving of the shit show everyone made around her."

Ara rubs her forehead and groans. "I know, I know... maybe this isn't my mess to clean... but I'm right in the middle of it, so not doing anything stresses me out all the same."

"Yeah well, you've never been good at staying out of things, we know that."

"None of us is."

"That's why we get curses all the time," he shrugs. "See? Things tend to happen when it comes to demigods."

Ara shakes her head. "Sometimes I think my stupid father should've suffocated me with a pillow when he had the chance."

Nico laughs. "Same."

"I feel like I should've gone with them."

"It's FOMO," Annabeth replies, lying on Ara's bed with a cherry facemask on.

"They're searching for that poison to help Leo—"

Nike's hollering cuts through her speech. "AN A- IS A FAILING GRADE—"

"These are literally Frank's relatives," Percy reasons, his back against the wall and a peel-off mask covering his face. "You would've made them nervous. Most people think that children of Olympus attract bad luck."

"And they're right," Ara's hanging upside down with her legs propped up next to Percy, a green tea facemask on her face.

It's spa day. Once Ara realized she could buy all kinds of beauty products in New York—as long as she had the budget—she became obsessed. The first time Percy agreed to join her many years ago, he claimed to be humoring his little sister, but he loves to lie around and eat snacks while Ara puts fresh-scented stuff on his face.

Ara agreed to have a spa day today solely because her brother and Annabeth had recently come out of Tartarus, so if there was someone who deserved to use her stash of fancy facemasks, it was them. She also knows they're doing this to help her clear her mind after her dream last night, and she'd missed being pampered by her older siblings anyway.

"There is a sea serpent watching us," Percy says out of nowhere, vaguely pointing ahead. "Been there for the past ten minutes."

Ara lifts herself on her elbows. "And why aren't we doing anything about it?"

Percy shrugs. "It's trying to figure out if we're food, Festus confuses it."

"Nice," Ara lies back down. "Good headmast."

"So Leo is trying to rebuild your dragon inside the ship? How does that even work?" Annabeth asks, rummaging in a bag of chips.

A flash goes out and then Leo's voice responds. "It doesn't—yet. You guys having a fun time?"

The three teenagers look back at the door completely unbothered. "Did you get my good side?" Percy asks.

"You know, water boy, blackfacing isn't cool anymore—it never was."

"Call me water boy again and I'm freeing Nike inside your cabin," the older boy threatens. "And this is a peel-off mask, it saves me so much money on acne products I don't even care if it looks stupid."

"You want one?" Ara lifts a thin package.

"No, I came to tell y'all Piper and Frank are back," Leo's too amused by the sight that he can't move past it. "I'm sorry, what exactly is happening in here?"

"Spa day," Annabeth explains. "Never had one of those?"

Leo snorts. "Hephaestus isn't the cleanest guy around..."

"She means with Ara," Percy shows him a shit-eating grin, though it looks creepy with the peel-off still on his face. "Haven't been invited to one yet?"

Leo's smile disappears. "I didn't know it was a thing."

"I didn't think it'd be up your alley," Ara pulls her legs down and sits upright. "The only Cabin Nine campers that ever humored me were Beckendorf and Nyssa, but I had to bribe them first."

"I wanna have a spa day," Leo pouts, looking at the Polaroid he just took. "I feel discriminated."

Ara gets up and moves to her vanity, pulling off her mask. "You're invited to the next one."

"Piper and Frank are back then—that means they got the poison?" Annabeth fans her face while Percy takes off his mask.

"Yup, so we should hold a meeting," Leo approaches Ara and kisses her hair, leaving the Polaroid on her nightstand. "You don't need skincare, there's a reason why I call you Doll."

Ara chuckles. "My skincare is the reason you think I don't need it."

"Holy 'Dite, I can't do this!" Percy moans, falling back on the bed with the mask still on. "Birdy, help me..."

The girl laughs and glances at Leo before going to her brother. "We'll meet you on deck in five, alright?"

Leo looks at the trio with an uncomfortable feeling in his chest, but he manages to show a smile when he nods, although he stays consciously away from Ara so she can't feel his emotions. "Good luck putting your face back on, Nemo!"

"You're not allowed to call me that!"

Leo exits the cabin grinning, but as he walks out, his expression turns into a frown. He can't put a finger on what is bothering him, but it feels as if he were watching Ara's life slowly slip back into its old place, erasing him from the plot.

He has this dark thought that maybe those six months with him at camp were only an intermission, and now Leo is waiting for the fates to pluck him out and toss him away as they did with Michael Yew. "Well, that was a fun season! Send the next cute boy in!" 

Each day he inches closer to his certain death, and Ara's future does nothing but shine brighter.

Next Chapter –>

Taglist.

@siriuslysirius1107 @ask-giggles1303 @im-planning-something-look @bandshirts-andbooks @coolninjapaper @thewaterlily @whenisthefall @1randomcomic @you-bloody-shank @sunflowergraves @owlalex44 @taylordaughter @typicalsolangelolover @writingmia @espressopatronum454 @slytherinnqueen @orbitingpolaris @obxstiles @ellipsisspelled @thepixiechicksh @ebony-reine-vibes

[our-transgender-experiences]

Hello everybody! (CW: LGBTQ-phobia is mentioned)

I only wanted to know whether I'm real transgender or transTRENDER... Let me explain now. Sorry for being so long, but it's my most honest confession.

I was a stupid boy ("girl") till I was 8 and never realized I was not cishet 'cause my parents "censored" everything connected to LGBTQ+ and "unobtrusively" convinced me that I was a straight girl (tbh, politics and sex were also forbidden topics in our house; interestingly enough, my family ain't religious, all of them are atheists). I didn't even have a thought that a boy could like boys and "a woman may want to be called a man." I gave no thought that I might not be what my parents want me to be: a straight girl who loves her husband and has children.

I only learned the word "lesbian" when my aunt accidently said it (I was 8 y. o.), and after I asked my dad the meaning of this word. He got absolutely furious and only said, quoting, "These are mentally ill girls who need to be rap... ahem, who need to have s*x with men." So, like, you know now how it was in my family.

I "had" a "crush" on my best friend when I was 9-10. It was totally made up by me because EVERYONE (our parents, friends, classmates, and even teachers) would ship us, not even listening to our "no." My dad was absolutely happy that I "have found a future husband, like every normal girl," and I just felt disconnected from this. Not only with the "found a future husband" part but also with "every normal girl" part, too. Nonetheless, I suppressed every thought like this.

I only got internet access when I was 10-11 y.o. I was getting into puberty and hated my chest: I couldn't find a reason to explain this to my parents, who knew about me disliking my growing breasts. Subconsciously, I wanted to be like my the most favorite guitarist (he's a man) from the band of my childhood. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and why I couldn't be like him. But I quickly thought it was because of my chest and was actually right.

The first time I saw the word "transgender" was when I turned 12. I learned about the pronouns and felt a strong connection to she/they and he/they set. I tried using "he/they," but I stopped in a day due to the simple fact that it felt unusual. I immediately banned myself from thinking of this, putting a limit: I can only be an ally. The problem was that I never had any strong position because my parents were constantly brainwashing me. So, I have seen some posts about radical feminism... and sooner became a TERF.

Honestly, radical feminism helped to accept my aroaceness, but it's the only good thing it has done to me. I started hating men simply because they were men, and I also started wishing death on all trans people for "supporting gender stereotypes." I had no reason for this: I was just brainwashed by TERFs when I was 13. I didn't support the whole feminism: I only hated trans people because... why? (P. S. I still hate myself for this period of life) TERFs forced me to think I am proud to be a girl, even though I MYSELF (!) never believed in it. Also, it is worth saying that being radfem was actually quite popular (if I can say it) in my country in 2020-2021 / 2022 (maybe it's still popular now, idk), so many girls were (or are) into that.

Deep down, when I looked through the photos of my favorite guitarist and thought he was handsome... and I felt jealous since I'm not like him, but I quickly restricted myself from thinking of this. I didn't know it was gender envy.

When I was turning 14, my ex-friend helped me to realize I had masculine features. And then I realized I was a guy with he/they pronouns (I go by he/him now). And I felt... relieved? It’s as if my life has acquired colors that weren’t there before this moment. I had no idea what my name was... My deadname always seemed to me so usual, but not mine, and my inner boy was almost killed with TERF's f*cking ideology. I googled some boy names and... I found an amazing one, which was the best for me (even if it wasn't typical for my country).

I went to the psychologist (who turned out to be an impostor and did not have a diploma). She said I was the girliest girl she had ever seen, and I'm faking it.

I have changed SO many labels, trying to find the most suitable one, but now I just label myself transgender man and don't give a damn. I have two names now: the one I have chosen when I was 14 and the most recent one when I realized nobody's gonna call me by my first chosen name. Both feel nice for me, and I'm even thinking of getting the other two (I'm fascinated by Janick, Dariusz, and Friedrich, honestly, but I believe 5 names will be too much for me). The guitarist I adore is still my gender envy. 🤣

I WANT to look like a man and transition... but I always think I'm not trans enough. I nearly killed my real self, letting my parents and TERFs decide who I am. What if I'm not trans and just faking it? What if the internet has brainwashed me, and I'm not real trans? I don't wanna be a "typical masculine man" or a "typical feminine woman," I wanna be myself. And my real me is dead. What if I'm just a gendervoid and can turn into everything: girl, boy, nonbinary, bigender, etc? What if I have lost in my dreams and I'm a girl? What if I'm just a transtrender?

Sorry for being so long. Thanks for reading. Sorry for taking your time.

you are 'trans enough', and even if you decide your not later, thats fine. you can be whoever you want, forever. i'm happy that you figured it out, despite terfs and parents.

also, you dont need to apologise for sending something, its what this blog is for!

[connectionterminated13]

This story takes place in my AU death swap, Basically a lot of the deaths are swapped Charlie is alive Sammy is dead, Michael gets his self grabbed by circus baby and Elizabeth does Michael's role in sister location and gets herself scooped. Now Evan who survived the bite and became a murder guy just like his dear old dad. This is right after the events of Elizabeth waking up and being found by Charlie Evans coming in to give the more information on what happened. Or so they think Evans about to lie through his teeth for like 3 minutes straight

Sorry if there's a couple mistakes I really pushed this out to make the day! but it was really fun having to write things quicker :3

TW: Mentions of blood, death, mental illness, Murder.

Anyway my submission for the last day of the bash @and-stir-the-stars I hope you like it!

Evan stood outside of the building. It was in a bit of a dirty part of  town but was still nice enough.. honestly it was better than he was expecting. His boots didn't even get that dirty as he walked over to the collection of buzzers on the outside of the apartment looking for Elizabeth's apartment number. 

Evan pressed the correct button and cleared his voice.

“Hello” 

Susie's voice hasn't changed a bit in the almost 7 years since he spoke to her. Evan expected being in a band would make her voice louder, bigger but no it was still that delicate pageant girl voice that had been trained into her. 

“Hey it's me Evan! Here to see Charlie and my sister!” Evan couldn't help but smile to himself despite the bite ruining his face and head, he still had inherited his father's buttery British accent.

“I thought I told you to go shove a stick up your ass…” and The nice Christian slightly overweight, pageant girl was gone and the Punk girl who thought she was interesting was back. 

Evan was hoping the charisma that he had been practicing almost his whole life would get her to be a little bit less obnoxious..

Evan replied with a good natured laugh hiding his annoyance. “Funny but Susie this is serious if you could just open the door for me I love that!”

He heard a bit of chatter too far for the small speaker to pick up. Charlie had intervened, thank God he liked Charlie.

“Sorry about her Evan! She's just a little bit on edge. I'll let you in!” Evan smiled. Charlie was nice. Charlie always came to the hospital to read him books when he could not read himself. She had always been kinder to him than anyone else other than maybe Elizabeth. The only problem with Charlie had been how she liked Michael. He hated how they were friends and then he hated when they were together. One of the many things that had gotten better once Michael had died.

He heard the door open. There was Charlie, a tired smile on her face, Her dark brown hair Wild.. She was wearing some band t-shirt he didn't recognize And comfortable loose sweatpants. She looked like she hadn't slept in days.

“Charlie!” Evan smiled hugging her tight as he felt her arms wrap around him. Always forgot how tall she was.

“Evan I'm so sorry we didn't talk sooner just with school.. and the band… and work. It's been a lot.. I'm so glad you're okay man..” Charlie let out a sigh letting go of him. Evan understood.. 

His less important job at Freddy's and his more important job of gathering remnant took up most of his time.

“Same here Charlie…” And Evan was telling the truth it wasn't part of the plan to have Charlie go down to Circus baby's entertainment and rentals. He had any say in it his sister wouldn't have either. But it was all part of his father's plan so Evan had no choice 

Evan and Charlie talked a little bit as they walked through the door and got into the elevator in the apartment. Apparently school was going well and she had gotten a job working for a computer company doing programming. The band was also going to perform at a big venue next month or it was..

But Evan wasn't really listening to the chatter though. He was thinking about Elizabeth. From what he had heard over the phone she was dead. 

Charlie had told him the whole story through heavy gasps and obvious tears. How they had gotten the call from William telling them that Michael was down in Circus baby's entertainment and rentals and they needed to put him back together. How Elizabeth got a job as a night technician and Charlie got a job as a day technician. How Elizabeth had fought through the first four nights with the help of a mysterious voice revealed to be the main star herself, Circus baby.

How on the 5th night circus baby and all the other animatronics had tore themselves apart and melted together into a new monster that called itself Ennard. How they head killed the other technicians and nearly killed Charlie but stopped. Evan had heard Charlie's voice break when she mentioned the monster had Michael's voice.

And then the monster, the horrible wire thing lured Elizabeth into the scooping room and ripped her to shreds. It had stolen his sister's skin.

He felt a bit vindicated, he was right all those years of Michael playing like he was some kind of saint. Refusing to kill, refusing to get blood on his hands even though he wasn't Michael with free will, she was Baby the killing machine.. 

He was getting spiteful, Charlie noticed. 

“Gosh Evan, I didn't know you hated Computer programming so much.” Charlie looked over nervous as the elevator door opened. Evan had let his mask slip that was bad.. 

“No I was just thinking of everything that happened, I'm So Sorry Charlie..” It was a good enough excuse and he was sorry. Evan knew he and Elizabeth were estranged and she hated him, but he hated the idea of something that horrible happening to her.

But he also had to admit he loved the vision of it. Blood and visceral everywhere organs spilling on the ground and Michael once again covered in blood. Evan thought of the years that he had spent checking the camera footage of Baby's room, to see the cowardly thing crying to herself or pleading for someone to acknowledge she was Michael. How she had refused to do the one thing she was built for.. and she still ended up covered in blood! since that was all Michael was good for getting his siblings blood everywhere 

The two of them stopped at number 5. Even if Charlie hadn't guided him Evan would know this was Elizabeth's home. A pride flag sticker was on the door. 

“Yeah.. Liz and Susie aren't exactly secretive about….” Charlie let out a small chuckle as she opened the door. Evan couldn't help it. He did too, her laughter even so small, sad and tired was infectious.

“What are you laughing at…” And there was Susie. Jesus Christ. Time had sculpted the Pink dress, wearing golden curls, Bible reciting, Susie he had known into a black clad, imposing woman. Evan could still see the traces of the shy, homeschooled, girl he remembered. But None of the kindness she had held for him as a child still lurked in her eyes.

“Nice to meet you again!” Evan put on his most charming smile, Reaching out his Hand to be shook. 

Susie just stared down at his hand, Her bright blue eyes looking at him with such hatred he almost feared that she knew how many lives his hands had taken. They stood there for a minute before Charlie broke the silence.

“Um.. Let's just go inside.. I can make everybody some coffee!” Charlie said nervously. Susie nodded sharply, moving out of the way so both Charlie and Evan could get into the apartment.

Evan stepped inside and he had to admit, the apartment was nice. There was a cozy old couch and armchair with a nice, if slightly rickety table to sit and have meals at. There were a couple shelves filled with records, a drum kit and two electric guitars. 

“Not fancy enough for you?” He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Susie's voice. 

“No, it's a nice place..” It wasn't the sort of place Evan wanted to live, but it seemed to fit Elizabeth, Susie and Charlie well enough. 

It was definitely nicer than his room back at his father's house. He hadn't changed it since he was carted off to the hospital on that fateful birthday in 1983. His father didn't let him change it.

“Yeah sure…” Susie sat down on the couch. Evan sat down on the chair beginning to hear the noises of Charlie making coffee in what seemed to be a small kitchen.

“Did you know your dad was sending my girlfriend, your sister, his f****** daughter down to Hell?” Her voice was accusatory and angry. Evan did know. Evan knew that place was a death trap, That there was a chance his sister wouldn't come out of there. But what was he going to do about it? it's not like he could change anything, like he could stop it?

“No! And I swear to God my dad didn't either! He's already having a discussion with the owners of rentals” Evan tries to believe the lie himself, tries to believe that his father didn't mean for his only daughter to die.

He did not know his father's plan but he had a feeling that Elizabeth was supposed to die down there.

“Susie, can we please not get accusatory! I know you're scared, I am too but Evan's here to help us fix this” Charlie stumbled in with three coffee mugs. Evan gratefully took a big long sip.

“I get it! you think he can help but Elizabeth doesn't want to see him and Elizabeth is the one who's..” Susie stops herself from saying that part. Evan can only imagine what it must be like.. He doesn't know much about their relationship other than it's romantic. To have your partner become a monster before your eyes must be horrifying. 

Susie and Charlie began to whisper. 

It was almost sweet.. To love someone that much, to be loved that much. Avenue nothing of love. He was almost certain he couldn't feel it, just another sign that he was broken.. He wondered if his father didn't feel love. He wondered if it was the bite that made another part of his brain broken.. 

The whispering stopped and Susie, her face still a mask of anger yelled out. "Liz! Evans here!”

Evan put on his best Charming, biggest, I've missed you sister, smile. As he ran through the possibilities of what his sister actually would look like. He wasn't good at the supernatural science of it all, but he had a basic understanding of how these things worked and Elizabeth's condition was nothing he had ever heard of.

There was a possibility that dad had just never told him about anything like this but he didn't think so. 

And then trudging out from the hallway which presumably led to Susie and Elizabeth's room came Elizabeth. 

Elizabeth trudged out with an angry look on her face. The first thing ever noticed was that his sister was missing half of her face. The entire skin on the right side of her face was gone revealing the bone. Her skin was also pinkish purple… And she was covered in.. 

“Sticky notes?” Evan said in confusion. Now that was a big slip up his first words were supposed to be something inviting, not sticky notes… He couldn't help it! He was surprised! Evan didn't know exactly what he had been expecting but not this…. 

“Sorry I was busy writing you know all of this being sent to my death by my father, seeing the kind of ghost of My Dead Brother and becoming a zombie business gave me some killer ideas for music..” Elizabeth ruled her eye and Susie let out a small chuckle 

Evan, cleared his throat 

“It's been so long, Elizabeth! I know it's under bad circumstances but still it's wonderful to be back together!” 

Evan hopes that his words were convincing enough. Despite not wanting anything to do with them, Elizabeth was still an Afton, so she was able to recognize manipulation but all those years away from father probably lessened the skill.

“Stop trying to be my brother.. Just get this over with so I can get back to songwriting and cuddling my girlfriend” Elizabeth looked away; she only had one eye now. And that one eye was filled with such hatred.

“Yeah and you better not tell any faz-themed lies you little company rat” Susie looked like at any minute if Evan said Susie deemed a lie, her fist would be planted in his shattered skull.

Charlie gave them both a stop fighting look before speaking 

“You work with William, you know something about the rentals and what happened to Michael right?” 

“Yes I do..” Now it was time for the lie.. Evan had been practicing this. His father had gone through the basic idea of what he was supposed to say but Evan had added on details..

“As you all probably remember, on the Opening day of Circus Baby's Pizza World there was a gas leak..” This he had gone through with his father there was never a gas leak. 

Most of the “gas” was just circus baby overheating and letting out excess smoke because her body wasn't built to fit someone of Michael's size 

All three of the women's faces fell dark. Evan could remember that day just like they did.. Smoke choking the air, children running in fear and Elizabeth stepping out of the party room covered in pizza sauce. It was really Michael's blood, but William had convinced everyone that the gas had tampered with Elizabeth's mind and she had just wandered into the kitchen and spilled tomato sauce. How poor little Elizabeth hadn't been able to understand what she had just seen and had begun to cry that circus baby ate Michael..

“But what you don't know is that the gas leak was caused by Michael…” Evan tried to look somber but he could barely hold in his grin. He had added this part. And the next one 

Charlie began to fidget uncomfortably. She had been closer with Michael than anyone at that time; this was going to hurt her a lot..

“He went mad I think quite a while ago.. Was convinced he needed to combine himself with the machines. Made an excuse of getting ice cream for you Elizabeth, then rigged circus baby so she would instead of handing out ice cream pull ice cream in and in this case he was ice cream..” Oh this was fun to see, the look on Elizabeth and Charlie's faces. He cared for them both but the way they liked Michael after everything he did made Evan's blood boil..

“No no you're lying! he wouldn't- I knew him! he-we had a plan! he wouldn't-” Charlie got up beginning to pace.

Evan just sat there trying to look sad. “I'm afraid it's true.. My father didn't tell anyone, fearing that him and Henry would be under more scrutiny and I know it's wrong! He regrets it a lot! but he was scared and sad and thought that was the best decision..” 

Evan spoke in a quiet voice trying to sound sad harder, since even though he was a good liar, seeing Charlie dislike Michael seeing her finally understand that he was a monster and a murderer made him feel good…

“So Michael went crazy and let out the gas leak and shoved himself in the robot? How does that explain him being a part of circus baby and appearing to Liz? Is he like haunting it or something?” Susie was the only one not having an emotional reaction to this; she hadn't known Michael. The only steak she had in this was her girlfriend's well-being.

“He was mentally unstable and scared and thought that was the only way he could be whole.. And yes I believe that in some form his consciousness lingers on and it influences Circus baby and the rest of the animatronics to be violent.. to do that..” Evan gestured to Elizabeth making Susie give him a death glare. 

This was sort of true. Michael was Circus baby and was fully conscious. But he wasn't responsible for the others' murderous programming, dad just made the funtimes like that.

“That's why they were locked up down there. That's why they're punishment was so severe, Michaels sou-if you want to call it that made them go insane…” Elizabeth nodded along quietly.

“It makes sense, He didn't seem that sound of mind when I saw him..” Elizabeth ran an unconscious hand over the entry scar on her back where the scooper had hit and that monstrosity had torn into her. 

“No, I know Michael! I knew him so well then!! We were close! If he was feeling like that he would have told me!? he would have said something, he would have like painted it or some s*** Michael doesn't-” Charlie looked around hoping for that hostility Susie and Elizabeth had to Evan earlier but his lie was good they knew he was right. 

“Look Charlie I'm not saying we trust the corporate asshat over there..But it seems to line up with what Elizabeth said…” Even though Evan hated being called a corporate asshat, She was on the right track or the track he wanted her to be on.

“May I continue?” The word sounded Melancholy as if he couldn't bear to continue telling the tale.

Charlie nodded, looking like she was about to explode. Evan went ahead quickly before Charlie could say anything else 

“But trapping a bloodthirsty animal in a cage makes it more vicious so All of the animatronics influenced by Michael's anger and Madness at time of death combined and used Elizabeth to escape..”

“Then I got moldy and they injected” Elizabeth added on 

“Exactly and here's where it all comes in.. You brought me here to find out more information and now you've got it! but we still have a murderous pile of wires on the loose, who's willing to do worse than what happened to Elizabeth in a heartbeat…And it still thinks like Michael in some weird twisted way so.. ” Charlie stopped pacing and stared in object horror at what next was going to come out of Evan's mouth. Evan couldn't help but smile here he had been waiting for this part, he'd been waiting to even do this since he woke up in that stupid hospital bed in 1983

“We need to kill it, And Charlie I need your help to get it done…”

[icedmetaltea]

Welp I just found out I have $700 I have to pay before May 11 for school bc apparently I withdrew after the refund date. I've done that before and never had a fee so idk wtf happened but I made some calls and they said since it wasn't the end of the semester it wasn't even the full amount so it'd probably be higher...

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. This is already after I got denied for ebt twice since I can't work so not only do I have to worry about feeding myself but now I have to worry about going into debt

I can't even begin trying to get on ssi til I can get set up with a doctor and even then I don't know if I'll be eligible bc mental illnesses from what I hear aren't usually "disabled" enough and even if I am it could take months for it to process- if it's even accepted

(tw for suicidal thought stuff)

Suicide is reaaaaaaally starting to feel like a viable option. I've been telling myself it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem but like... my problems aren't temporary. They just keep coming and they just keep getting bigger. Even if they pass, what do I have to live for? All my dreams have fallen through the cracks.

I would never be able to finish college (I'm never signing up for another college class so they can fuck me over again, that's for sure) and even if I did I have no real passions

I'm not strong or smart or attractive or talented. I'm just a burden, a waste of space, someone that will always rely on others... and my parents will die one day, they won't be able to pay for the apartment anymore, I'll go homeless (like maybe my sister could take me in but even she's on ebt these days, the economy is so fucked)

It's not like the world is going to get better anytime soon anyway... it's this or wait for climate change and/or capitalism to kill me off. My dad died of a heart attack mainly due to the stress of work, even if I somehow got my anxiety under control enough to work I'd probably die the same way. What's the point? To be a minimum wage slave the rest of my life? When half the population of my country hates me for being poor? Do you even know how many people don't even think anxiety is real???

Well the feeling of slowly being strangled almost every fucking is very fucking real to me, feeling my ribs clamp down on me, a glass pane in front of my eyes whenever I dissociate, it's gotten to the point where half the time these past few weeks I don't even feel like my body is my own. I talk and it feels distant and foreign.

So yea... rn I'm just trying to hold onto small things. Reading a couple nice books while I can. Listening to nice music while I can. Hanging out with my friends while I can. Because I think soon I may have to leave for good

[theweirdoinurhouse]

Phobias, am I right?

Sorry for the bad title, but in my Ted Talk of the day I'll be discussing Tokophobia and thanatophobia (mainly this one). I've seen some talk about them, and want to share my own personal experiences with them and spread more light on the subjects.

CW: Talk of death, pregnancy, childbirth, and rape (very briefly) Please proceed with caution, I don't want anybody to have a mental crisis

So first off, what are tokophobia and thanatophobia? Tokophobia is the fear of childbirth/pregnancy, and thanatophobia is the fear of death. That one is pretty broad. I will section off talking about each of them. Warning, they might be long.

Thanatophobia:

I'll just get this one out of the way. I personally have thanatophobia stronger than tokophobia, and that's because it's literally unavoidable. And that's the main reason I'm so scared of it. Unlike other fears like heights or spiders or snakes, you can decently avoid those. But you can't avoid death. It's always looming over you, no matter how safe you seem. Not to say those other fears aren't valid or anything. They absolutely are. But nobody can avoid death. Not forever anyways.

Everytime I get home and open the door I'm scared someone might be on the other side with a gun. Or when I enter my room. Or whenever I'm walking I wonder if that maybe someone will drive by and shoot me. Lots of shooting thoughts, because it's one of the easiest methods. But no matter where I am I always have the looming thought of dying.

Then there's the fact about mortality. It absolutely angers me. Inside me are two wolves (sorry I have to joke to make myself feel better). One wolf thinks: Why do anything? We won't matter. We won't do anything that matters to the world or people. We're gonna die one day. We're not special. Why try so hard? The other wolf thinks: We're gonna die one day, so why not live life to the fullest? (Can you tell which one I listen to most of the time?)

I try my best to live my life to the fullest. But I'm always so stressed about everything. Then whenever I try to do something "cool" or think about doing something cool, I can only think of how that might make my life even shorter. I watched this one movie where this girl was the embodiment of "YOLO". Guess what? She died.

I don't want that to be me. I don't want to finally decide to do something fun and then die. But I also don't want to stay cooped up my whole life. Every thought I have contradicts each other and it's so hard to live with. I hate thinking about how we're all just going to die one day and that we can't do anything about it. And we have no clue what's after.

I'm not religious. And honestly? That makes this even worse. I have nothing to hold onto. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing. 😋���� I won't talk much about religion. Like ever. But yeah, I don't have a belief of what's after, and it's makes the unknown so scary to me. I don't like not knowing. Just endless black? No consciousness? Nothing? Nothing.

I have oh so many thoughts about death. None positive. Sometimes I think about killing myself to escape this sad, non-satisfying world. When I was younger I made this idea with my step dad that when you die you get your own island in the sky and you can make it as perfect to you as you want. Sometimes I want to die to go to my own personal, amazing life. But what if that's fake? What if everything everyone has ever thought of about the afterlife is fake? Not having an answer is scary enough for me.

Earlier today I was helping out at a theater put away some stuff. I was standing on top of a latter. Then suddenly it was getting a little hard to breath and I was crying. Had to steady myself before getting off the ladder. So really other fears that can correspond to death scares me too. How diverse! 😄

Anyways that's the basics. Ill just stop it there before it gets too long.

Tokophobia:

This one will be shorter, so people who don't like reading a lot of words: here ya go.

Remember in thanatophobia I mentioned walking? Yeah sometimes I think about someone 🍇 me and (bc the government low key sucks) being forced to have a child. TERRIFYING!!! Honestly props to all the moms in the world, i could never give birth.

Whenever I think about pregnancy the first thing that pops up in my brain is that one scene from Alien. You know the one. There is a literal LIVING BEING GROWING IN YOUR STOMACH!!! WHAT?!

The thought just really grosses me out, and I just would have a mental breakdown if I was pregnant.

This one time in like 3rd grade my teacher was talking about her giving birth to her two daughters (no clue why she did). She had to stop because one kid was crying, knees to their chest and rocking back and forth. That child was me. I was absolutely mortified of the idea of giving birth. Still am. People call it the beauty of life. I call it absolutely disgusting (no offense. Omg opinions!!)

Anyway yeah. In summary: I don't like the world ☺️☺️

(I did not re-read this, so sorry for any mistakes in spelling or grammar!)

[prongsmydeer]

Ayesha Livbelogs Heartstopper S3

I was so thrown off by the first shot of the season being Tori, LOL, I'm used to the school corridor openings

I've missed Nick and Charlie's little 'hi's, they are always so sweet

"I'm gonna cook us a candlelit dinner." "With what cooking skills?" "With the power of romance!" HAHA, I wish that would help me cook too, Tao

"Living with you is like a dream." That's a very optimistic approach to getting kicked out of your house, Darcy

Charlie said: Beach days are not immune to my Dark Imaginings

"Do you have some on?" "No, I don't really burn, I just tan." Charlie said, wearing a full cardigan to the beach. However, everyone gets UV damage, put on some sunscreen

Nick menacingly apply sunscreen to Charlie is my love language, actually:

"We've only been dating for like three weeks but [whistles] it's been a whirlwind." HAHAH I love Tao telling anyone who will listen he's dating Elle

"Girls stick together." "I don't care, I hate gender." Love that for Darcy

Awwww, Isaac coming out to Charlie. I love that so much

I enjoy that every time Charlie goes to his Dark Imaginings Place, Nick is like, "Hey, have you tried curing your mental illness with a leetle kiss on the lips"

"When someone you love's in trouble, you'll do anything to help 'em." Tara and Nick are truly on parallel romantic journeys. It's tough being a support person for someone enduring trauma

OH NOOOO Charlie thinks talking about something is code for "Time to exchange 'I love you's" and Nick think it's code for "Time to talk about your eating disorder!"

Perhaps at the beach, with friends, right before leaving for three weeks was not the best choice of venue for this conversation, Nick

I hope Darcy's gran's nice, because Darcy's mum sucks

Tao's cooking struggle aside, I love how colour-coordinated this shot is, the walls and the lamp, Tao's apron, Yan's shirt, the accents of Elle's dress, they're really leaning into the pink and teal:

"We can have a romantic candlelit Dominos." It'd work on me, Elle

Charlie, sitting in Nick's bedroom where there are literally like 10 photos of him on the wall: I wonder if he loves me back

Charlie telling Nick he loves him through the bathroom door. That's one way to overcome your nerves!

Poor Nick, running through the street shirtless and shoeless. That's love!

"You're still damp." "You're the one who said I love you for the first time when I was in the shower." Charlie's never gone live this down. The grandkids will hear about this

"I saw you peeping at me on the beach." "I was not peeping." It's okay, it's... it's allowed! We're in love!" "So in love that you're gonna walk to my house with no shoes on?" I repeat, that's love

Nick's aunt is HAYLEY ATWELL? Both funny bc they keep watching Marvel movies, and because they love to use a really amazing actress for a short cameo. Olivia Coleman for mum, Hayley Atwell for aunt, Nick's family is incredible

Oh, I appreciate that we've brought back the happy fantasy sequence as well:

"Can you please not undermine me like that in front of him?" The vibes of Charlie's mum have never sat well with me

Can I make a confession? Mr. Ayaji and Mr. Farouk (Nathan and Youssef) are my favourite romantic plotline on this show

Oh, I see a sex warning on the season! Who's fucking on screen!

"You did so well." "Exams mean nothing." Tori proving it's a Spring family trait to be incapable of receiving compliments

If Charlie's eating has extended the point where he can't even be in a Nando's, I think he needs help

"You need a nice poster of a handsome boy up there." "I'm a lesbian, gran." "Your dad never told me that. You need a pretty girl up there, then." This seems like a good sign for Gran <3

"I'm worried. I love you." Oh Tori, I think you should be worried

"I never sat still and posed for them. I wish... I wish I'd sat still. I wish I'd sat still, and I wish I'd posed." There's something about Tao's line that makes me want to cry. It describes grief really well

Thank God for Isaac, Charlie needs his support right now

Gjjgjgjhh at Tori being a tumblr girlie. Relatable!

The "Do I Have An Eating Disorder Quiz" is not as fun as the "Am I Gay Quiz" but I admittedly I've also taken both

It's really good for Charlie to admit he has a problem, to vocalize it to Nick, but I understand it's hard when the people you live with make it hard to trust them. Heartstopper always cuts too close to the bone

"He needs help from a doctor or a therapist. Someone that understands eating disorders and knows how to treat them." I am so, so glad that Nick has Aunt Diane, Hot Hayley Atwell Aunt and Qualified Psychiatrist

I don't know if I've ever cried while watching Heartstopper before, but this episode did get me

"The sixth form boys get to wear trousers, so why can't I?" "You look so... you." I'm becoming more and more certain Darcy is going on a gender arc. We love a nonbinary lesbian

"So we're dating?" "We've been seeing each other all summer, so I hope we are." I love Nathan and Youssef 💘💘💘💘 And also Coach Singh, who completes the gay teachers alliance

I am SHOCKED no one's ever caught Charlie and Nick making out in this supply closet, it's like the third time! Also, unrealistic, blocked, it's too spacious for a school storage place

"This isn't Mr. Ajayi's hippy class, you're representing Farouk right now." Neg your boyfriend to convince students it's platonic

OH MY GOD. NICK'S POSTCARD OF CONCERN IS THE SWEETEST AND SADDESST THING I'VE EVER SEEN

Does Charlie gripping his shoulder have implications that it's the site of his self-harm?

"I'm so alone." "Okay, what are we? Your imaginary friends?" I've missed Charlie's cheeky remarks

Fascinated by Tao's instagram bio being, "Was shorter in a past life." What on earth does that mean??

CACKLING at Charlie walking in on the teacher romance. HA

"I have a lot of rules... It doesn't matter, it's stupid." "Uh, what happens if you break the rules?" Mr. Ajayi is such a good teacher

I know it's important to address, but I do feel like the eating disorder is like, the main plot of the season so far, which does make the show harder to watch

"Yeah, I read a book where there was an aromantic character, and then I thought about what happened with us in Paris and stuff." I do find it funny that they feel the need to justify why (or why or not) people know the term aromantic. Why can't people just know!

[Looking at Sahar and Imogen] "Seems a bit gay to me." Me too, Darcy

"You've just not been a very good friend lately, Tao. All you care about is your relationship." "Well, if you're so sad about being single, what happened to James?" There's a lot to unpack here. Firstly, I don't think it's necessarily fair of Isaac to criticize how people engage with their friends, when he also brings a book to like 95% of his interactions. I get it might be a comfort thing, but I would personally feel like that friend wasn't engaged with me if during every one of our hang-outs they were reading. So like, complaining that Tao cares too much about his girlfriend when he's still there, spending time with you, seems harsh. HOWEVER, dick move from Tao, who already told you he didn't like James back

"I guess I just like the idea of having a cool boyfriend, but when we were actually together, he was pretty boring." Maybe it's too early to call comphet, but have you heard of the lesbian masterdoc, Imogen?

"None of you are helping, but thanks." HAHAH rude, Isaac

"You got angry at Charlie for doing the exact same thing we've doing." Elle's got you there, Tao

"You all make it seem like being in a relationship is the most perfect, magical thing that anyone could hope for." Charlie and Nick, homophobically bullied to the point of self-harm and in consistent mental agony over someone they love having an eating disorder: What up

"What about the ones who don't fall in love with any gender? Do you think they're okay just being on their own?" "I don't think they're on their own. they've got loads of friends." Nick Nelson, man of my heart

"When I first realized I liked Charlie, I cried at an 'Am I Gay?' Quiz." We've all been there, Nick

Nick really said: For my birthday, I'd like to confront your parents about your eating disorder

And Charlie said: Fair play, it's your birthday!

Very, very proud of Charlie (and Nick) for asking for help

So grateful for the next episode cutting to Nick's dog, I am emotionally exhausted by everything so far

"I can't believe it's been two months." I thought for a second I'd missed something but I guess they're just referring to inpatient rehab

"Everyone can journal, Nicholas. It helps you process your emotions. If I didn't journal every day, I'd literally have a breakdown. "Alright, you don't have to give me the whole pitch again." Tara and Nick's friendship is the saving grace of this season

NOT THEM SPEEDRUNNING THE ESCALATION OF EATING DISORDER SYMPTOMS THROUGH A MONTAGE. Crazy storytelling choice, but, honestly, helpful as a viewer

This montage has convinced me that Nick really, really needs to be seeing a therapist also

You know, all this said, this probably has really endeared Nick to Charlie's parents. Getting him to come to them for help

Nick is the CUTEST Captain America, perfect Halloween costume choice

Nick's reaction to Sahar and Imogen kissing is SO FUNNY. This is the opposite of how it was when he saw Tara and Darcy kiss. Instead of Bisexual Comfort, it's Gay Horror

(I did also get a cuter screenshot of the kiss the second time I tried, but it didn't fit the vibes of Nick's expression HAHAH)

Nick every time he sees a sapphic party kiss: I think I have learned something

I love that Tara and Darcy have fulfilled the Shrek and Fiona costume threat they made last season

Tao comforting Nick while he cries at the party. Sometimes love is hugging your crying, tipsy friends on the floor

"Can't I play the mentall illness card now?" "No, the S-word rule still applies to the mentally ill." I love that they can banter about the OCD and anorexia diagnosis

"I hope that when you get back, you don't feel like you have to lie to us anymore." If there's an autism quiz, I think Isaac should take it

I do absolutely adore the home video Tao made for Charlie

Olivia Colman must've been quite busy, because I do think Nick's mum would be a cornerstone of support for him in this

"I hope I get good mental health." "I hope I get a mum who can regulate her emotions." A tall order, my friends

"Can you just shut the fuck up?" GOOD FOR NICK, GET REKT DAVID

Charlie apologizing for abandoning Tori but still leaving anyway is both perserving his peace and such a brother move. <3 Oh, family!

Also, love that they were like, 'we realize it's been a tough season, here's a second, smaller dog'

"I never imagined finding a boyfriend and... and feeling so safe with him that I'd even think about, like, taking my clothes off in front of him." I did figure they were gonna talk about dysphoria and sex with Elle

I'm glad they're finally having a bigger party where no one's crying or experiencing an identity crisis or being kicked out by their mum

"I don't want to be just an experiment to you. Especially when you know you're the reason I realized I was bi in the first place." Oh, the Sahar and Imogen lore deepens

Looks like Charlie immediately spoke Tori finding someone she cares about into existence

Hahahahah the fireworks are a metaphor for whatever Elle and Tao are up to in the bedroom

I also didn't notice until rewatching it, but I do think their headmaster announcer is Stephen Fry. They love a starpowered cameo

Honestly, I think it's nice they're talking about sex. With how frequently Charlie and Nick are on top of each other, I thought it'd come sooner (no pun intended)

[Elle, lighthearted, joking] "Hey, be careful. We'll have another vomit situation." "Just need a night off from everything." Does Tara have an alcohol issue? Bc they've had her say this twice now while holding a drink

"Is he Tori's boyfriend?" "She won't confirm whether they're dating or not." Feels fitting

HAHAHAHA NOT ANTHONY BAILEY BEING THE INTERNET FAMOUS HISTORIAN. BOOKED AND BUSY, BABY! I'D SUBSCRIBE TO HIM TOO

Again, I did figure with an ep title like Body, Elle's radio interview was not going to be kind, but hoo boy

"You'll be hearing from me." YOU GET HER, ELLE'S MUM!

I know that's not at all what they're intending, but if they have sex right now, it will seem like Jonathan Bailey was so hot, they were compelled to have sex about it

What a bizarre season. It's half eating disorder, half sex

I don't know what Charlie just texted Nick, but I hope that it was "i'm ready to have sex" because that would be a VERY funny thing to do to Nick in class

"I should've expected it." Oh Elle, my sweet girl 😭😭😭😭😭

"Do you want to talk about it?" [Elle sighs, shakes head] "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" Tao has become SO GOOD at talking feelings since dating Elle

The cut to Baby Farouk in the classroom when they ask Charlie to apply for Head Boy. Gay teen representation DOES heal your inner child

"Good luck, I hope you do get to have your sex sleepover." Me too, Michael, Tori's Maybe Boyfriend

"You don't have to be the strong one all the time. I learned that the hard way." I'm glad Tara's in a better place now

"I just don't think I would've had the courage to explore being nonbinary if it weren't for you. I mean, I probably would've gotten around to it eventually, but you made it feel so easy....and joyful." Tara and Darcy's relationship is also soooo nice. I love everyone's relationship

HAHAHAH Charlie's Dad looking on to Charlie encouragingly as he asks his mum about staying over. Dad's on board with the sex sleepover

Charlie has decided to ask for forgiveness instead, since permission didn't go that well

The janky projector teetering on a pile of pillows is taking me out, it's so true to life. Also, couple nominated for best jawlines. ALSO ALSO. Making a fanvideo of your loved one is V SWEET

"I'm just scared you won't get it." "But I'll try, I'll always try." THEY 💗

"But when you're not around, I um... I don't know. I guess I feel a bit lost." I'm sooooo glad Nick is finally asking for support 💟

We finally got an answer to who was going to have sex on screen! It was Nick and Charlie, which is reasonable, as they are the protagonists. Not that Tara and Darcy and Elle and Tao didn't, but it was a little less explicit as this time we saw clothes flying. I also like that they acknowledged sex isn't just penetration

I appreciate that Charlie kept his shirt on for sex. King of Knowing His Own Comfort Zones

"She was never very nice to me. She was controlling, and sometimes..." Charlie's Mum said: My parenting style is a product of generational trauma

"I would feel much less worried about you if you waited a few more weeks, just til your GSCE's are over. Can that be our compromise?" Charlie, wearing Nick's clothes after they just had sex: Sure!

"Girls and boys can just be friends." True, however, Imogen did try to get Nick to wear a Halloween couple's costume with her while Charlie was away. So. She's got some stuff going on

"I don't think I've ever liked a boy, actually." YEAHHHH IMOGEN DISCOVERING HER IDENTITY! It was comphet!

HAHAHAH I wonder what this pharmacist assumes about Nick, buying condoms and lube with three girls

"I just don't think I think tell you enough how important you are to me." I love Charlie being soppy with his pals

"What's this song even about, Sahar?" "That's personal." "I thought it was about Imogen." HAHAHAHA Tao

Nick upon learning there's one (1) gay rugby player at Leeds: I am applying to this university forthwith

"I'm afraid of being away from him. I don't know who I am without him." Oh, Nick

I looove Charlie looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the animations but not in a Dark Imaginings way. Body neutrality 💓

"I just figured we should have a conversation about, but now... I wish I hadn't sad anything." [Charlie, gently] "Do you want me to go and find her?" [Michael nods] Baby Brother, Relationship Rescuer

"I wish I was like you. You're... hopeful. You try." That is the moral of Charlie's story

I love that you can see Charlie growing more confident as he plays music for the crowd

I think the Michael and Tori dynamic and Isaac's face is suggesting it's a queerplatonic situation, which admittedly is a term I don't fully feel I understand, but good for them

They've really done well to work around Olivia Colman's absence thoroughout this season, but it is hilarious that Nick and Charlie have had so much alone time in his house

I love the return to the end of season cuddle:

[its-all-papaya]

🎶✨when u get this, list 5 songs u like to listen to, and publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (positivity is cool)🎶✨

omg hi 🫶 visited my on repeat for this, here's what we have (i've been looping my mental illness playlist a lot lately sorry for the emo vibes)

My Body's My Buddy (Tessa Violet & Brye)

from my birth to my grave / every step I've taken, my body came i fundamentally hate that i have to live inside a body, so i listen to this song at least once every day trying to heal myself in that specific area

2. Place We Were Made (Maisie Peters)

you smoke to choke the feeling / 'til the walls don't meet the ceiling / all we talk about is leaving hands up if you've got a kind of complicated relationship with ur rlly tiny hometown that you couldn't wait to leave bc everybody had problematic opinions that fucked you up as a child but at the same time fundamentally shaped who you turned out to be !

3. Least Favorite Only Child (Leanna Firestone)

and I know that it's probably selfish / and I shouldn't think like that / so what if I do it for attention? / does that really make me bad? yeah. i have depression. and other related tendencies.

4. Lights On Kind Of Lover (Maddie Zahm)

so put it on the record / I know you would love me better / I'm so far from put together / you're changing me every maddie song is extremely personal to me and i've never experienced this specific situation but it still makes me cry whenever i listen to it. bc i understand the adolescent experience that creates this situation SO INTIMATELY and it's just. yeah. painful.

5. Landslide (Fleetwood Mac)

well I've been afraid of changing / cause I've built my life around you this is dad lando's theme song sooo... i've been listening to her three to four times a day for the last two weeks

thanks for sending & sorry everything about me is generally kind of sad !!!

[silverspleen]

@your-royal-highness-of-trash

Pulled out into TWO new posts b/c I cannot be subjecting my friends to one longpost but rather many smaller posts with the majestic read more tool. I hope this is cool.

(Context. My reply to This.)

THE FUN HALF lets ramble about character stuff yes pleaaaase they really did nail the characterization they did do that I hate how good of a job they did.

First it is so funny that you already know Bad Suns! I was literally introduced to them this summer by one of my D&D buddies on one of our driving days where we just hang out in the car listening to music loudly with the windows down and I was just, blown away by their sound. And then like a week later went. "Wait.... This is a blorbo song. This is an Alex pov Faralex song. This is him being filled with emotions oh my god"

Glad you are also just "eh" on Ghoap. Like. I've read some great Ghoap fics but like. Perhaps it's the hipster in me. I get the dynamic allure, I get the chemistry, I get that it's hot but I am just not insane for them like the majority of the fandom. Because I already have Faralex. And og Ghost Roach but WHATEVER.

I have posted about the Alex disability thing before already so I 100% hard agree. When I actually looked up the timeline for a prosthetic, just like, as a cursory google for the most vague of fic writing stuff, I was immediately like. OH THEY DID NO RESEARCH HUH. He would have still been in PT by the time they brought him into Warzone he would not be ready for it, but like. Yeah he's so? He's nice? He's a nice man and very friendly but he's also not a good man (we forget that these are not the same) and also sort of hyper focused on Farah and sometimes I think that it's easy to backseat his angst when Farah's right there for him to sort of focus on instead of his problems? He was a marine and a CIA agent and I'm sure he has some like very intense ingrained stuff about technically being actually genuinely disabled with likely chronic pain now and it probably isn't great! I love a healthy dynamic but I will not lie and pretend I'm not into a little bit into how his thing for her can 100% be a little unhealthy. I like a little smidge of the spice with that devotion dynamic. As you said, being mentally ill together. I like that she is in a position where she needs someone who is like, a little obsessed with her in a way that's Not Normal, and he is in a position where being Not Normal about someone probably gets him through some rough days but also watch out! Don't let that consume you!

I feel like he probably gets the prosthetic from Price (and Laswell later), but like. Surely it gets broken because, as you said, he is running around in the desert for hours at a time on combat missions. Farah gets her little care package of goods from Price and Alex just gets leg parts it's constantly leg parts every shipment there's a leg part in there you can tell he's been somewhere because we just have ruined liners everywhere and you can tell when stuff is really bad because there's just. A leg. Abandoned in some building somewhere and smashed half to shit.

Out of Alex I want 1) more disability stuff because yes. Like he has to use crutches a lot, right? Surely he does. How easy is it to shoot a gun in crutches I have to know! I want like "ah ha we have attacked the ULF off guard surely now we will be at an advanta-" *thudding sound of angry CIA deserter in crutches with a gun and still very capable of being dangerous* 2) We are so cagey about the whole "he is now a terrorist" CIA deserter thing. Does he have family at home? He died so like. Did his mom or dad get a flag? Do you get a flag when you desert? Surely they knew he was into some Incredibly Black Ops stuff so like when he vanishes off the face of the earth it was normal up until they get a letter like "lol sorry he's dead." (But he's not dead, you'll just never see the top secret blurry photos of him in the desert doing a terrorism, which was not all that different than what he was doing before he just enjoys it more now.) How many skeletons are in that closet boooy.

You should totally make a bookmark collection!! I know I value the heck out of people who do fic reviews and collections and stuff. Nothing like seeing that someone else is really enjoying a ship dynamic and collecting stuff that's their taste.

"Different Relationship" yes they are in love your honor. He would never intentionally mispronounce his beloved wife's name, he's just a stupid American and gets it 50% correct but he tries. I have never seen this video. Thank you so much for linking it.

-

Ugh thinking in my brain again about like, do you think he would have ever brought Farah to PT? Like he's going to PT for his leg under some assumed name somewhere and has told the therapists some sort of half truth sob story about his life that is 80% CIA lies and 20% actual dynamics from his life so they are aware of Farah in a "I need to get better because there is someone in my life I need to get back to" way. And then he slowly phases out as he recovers and later he actually brings The Someone to one of his checkup appointments and it's this tiny middle eastern woman that he has really intense energy with where they are clearly having entire conversations just by staring at each other. Between his military tattoos and how she gets this edge to her every time there's a weird noise outside it's slowly becoming obvious that they are both military somehow but everything goes well until there's a global news update about Urzikstan and they both get really weird and quiet until Alex is like "hey lets change the channel now :)" and Farah says something in Arabic and he replies and they have some sort of laugh about it and it's like, uh oh these people! These people are somehow connected to global events in some nebulous way that you're not sure you should be thinking about!

Anyway shout out to the government guy who brought his concealed carry into the clinic! I don't think that was necessary! I looked it up and it was probably legal since we didn't have a sign at that point but why did you do that knowing full well you would have to take off your shirt for the scan and I would have to be uncomfortably near it the whole time! I will complain about this whenever I can! It was weird!

[merwgue]

Now that we're in the topic of being grateful, I'm so so so so so grateful for my dad. He's like my rock, my everything. He defended me through everything, he made sure I never got in or got the wrong idea about mom or hated her even though she's a fucked up person, he took me everywhere and tried to make everything seem light even though he was depressed and felt alone because my shit ass mom happend. He took me to London with him, to Qatar, to Saudi, to umra to hijjah, to everything. Every country he went to he took me with him because he thought an experience wasn't complete without Me, he let me do whatever I wanted with my hair. He takes me to concerts and listens to my music, no matter how girly or how different it may be. He studies with me, he makes sure I get straight A* every time. He took me to the psychiatrist and got me diagnosed with autism because my dumbass mom didn't believe in mental illness and didn't believe that I did have autism.

Sighhhhh, he's just amazing. I love my baba