#limited i feel mentally. like all i am thinking is getting through the day and ouch and the haziest thoughts known to mankind.

[b-blushes]

Very much experiencing disability/chronic illness as a tightening spiral at the moment and not loving it. Like, trying to gently expand your activity, the circle is briefly larger, you have a larger radius of living outside your home, then you cross an invisible line and fatigue and pain get worse. You still have chores to do outside your house but more local, so the radius is smaller again but you're still going out and doing things, just fewer and less regularly. But because you've already overdrawn your capability, pain and fatigue aren't getting any better, and any overstepping of that ever-tightening radius means it gets smaller again. Then you're staying home and trying to rest, walking in the garden and the radius is smaller but you're outside and still moving, but it still hurts and you're still exhausted and it's still not letting up! It's harder to sleep and harder to move until I'm just circling within my house, then mainly just within a chair, trying to get comfortable. Then after a while, something breaks, it's a relief and you can push outwards again and start to do more, always being careful and wishing you could be carefree with fewer consequences, but more free than you were! On one hand it's not all inevitable but on the other hand it feels like I can't do enough to truly affect it! I will continue to try to keep gently expanding and weathering the contracting, but I don't love the cycle.

[starheirxero]

"I don't really like Lunar anymore because they've changed so much from the start, they're so sad and serious and not silly anymore!" Listen. Listen. I get it. I get that people actually liked Lunar when they seemed happy. I get that people actually liked Lunar when they were fresh into the world and still navigating things and acting like a little ball of sunshine.

But I must confess that whenever I hear that, it fucks me up in such a meta way because I am so sure only reason Lunar tried to stay silly and not acknowledge their trauma for so long was because people liked them when they were silly.

Like. Walk with me through this. Imagine you're Lunar and you have abandonment issues and you are desperate for approval. You learn early on that when you act a fool, people are charmed by it. If you say stupid things with confidence, if you act like you don't know basic things, if you do things badly, if you act like a child, then people like you. They will think you're funny and silly and they won't leave you if they like you.

And while it may have started from a seed of truth, or maybe it wasn't such a bad thing at the start, you have now been doing the same song and dance for two years. You are living to make a joke out of yourself because you don't know how else to live now. You joke about how dirty you are, how little you eat, how often you sleep away the day, how little people you talk to, how you died to your abuser, and you pray that no one thinks about it for too long.

You hurt yourself and think of the funniest way to explain it to people. You wear yourself down to your very last thread and think about what joke would convey how close you are to your limit. You think about how to charades your jester dance into a cry for help and yet. and yet. the REAL kicker is that you will deny any and all meaning when someone does think about it too hard!!!

Because along the way, "stay with me, I'm funny, aren't I?" transformed into "I'm a walking joke before I'm a person with thoughts and feelings." and now you don't know how to let go of that idea. So when someone treats you like a person with thoughts and feelings, you brush it off and insist what they said was a stretch. And they back off. Because what do you do when someone is taking themselves less seriously than you?

So. Idk. Again, I get the place these people come from when they say they liked v1 Lunar. However. I fear that only being liked for their mask and not their real self is exactly what they wanted and exactly what they feared. So seeing some of the audience genuinely hold that mentality is like taking poison damage.

[dreamdolldiary]

a simple, no BS rundown on how to ACTUALLY reach your goals

Because grass is greener where you water it. Not the other side.

1. Stop the overconsumption

This is #1 for a reason because just like the majority of individuals who set goals and research how, we often find ourselves stuck in a

"get inspired > overconsume self care content > we get that quick dopamine > never actually pursue our goals or cannot go 1-3 months without being consistent." cycle.

That all ends with this post. Let me keep it simple and straight to the point. Your brain is not designed to hold an overload of information at once for something so straightforward as the pursuit of goals - there is never a need to go down a YouTube or Tumblr self care post rabbit hole when they all essentially regurgitate the same, core information.

Besides, no amount of information will prove beneficial if you aren't willing to commit to goal execution.

2. Identify your ULTIMATE goal

Look back on all the years that have gone by. What aspect of your life makes you feel like you need to improve? What do you truly want to achieve right NOW?

Was it the lack of exercise you got? Your low grades? Your poor relationships with others and yourself? Mental health issues? Unhappy with your job? Financial stress? Pinpoint the areas of your life that carry the most weight at this time.

Depending on what you feel, you may feel unhappy with the way you handle your responsibilities or the way you can't seem to navigate through your hardships.

An example goal to combat these problems would be: to be more self reliant.

Now, narrow down your focus to three pivotal habits that will guide you toward this ultimate goal.

3. Focus on 3 KEY HABITS that help you achieve that ULTIMATE goal

I think being self reliant should be or is a subliminal goal everyone has. I mean, this is your life, only you can make things happen and that all depends on your self reliance.

Narrow down your focus to three pivotal habits that will guide you toward this ultimate goal.

The 3 Key Habit Areas:

Productivity

Skills

Exercise

Pick 1 for each.

Why only 3 habits? What person doesn't want to be good at a million things? While wanting to constantly reinvent ourselves and have a reset or implement the 12 week year into our lives, it’s very easy to get carried away.

Yes, not even the sky's the limit! You can be and do whatever your heart yearns if you know it's your calling or if you truly know it'll make you happy but when it comes to goal setting, we will pile so much more than we can handle at once and you know what that does?

Creates excitement

As we try to tackle all these goals/habits, it gets overwhelming- unsustainable.

And because it got overwhelming, you'll start to "fall behind" on being consistent in every one.

If you "fail" to be consistent or expect yourself to be a master at it within the first 2 weeks, you'll throw in the towel and say "Well. Since I can't do this, I might as well give up altogether."

And you go on living the same life you wanted to improve from.

So AS MUCH as you want to do it all right now, take it slow and easy. This isn't to say you can't be all the things you aspire to be. I am saying to take it one step at a time. You have to walk before you can run.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Ideas for those 3 key habits

Habit: a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.

Productivity:

Practice the 2 minute rule

Create a time block schedule that is flexible

Plan the next day and set priorities on your to-do list

Practice digital minimalism

Wake up at 5-6am and allocate “me time” before you jump into work/studying.

Skills:

Learn a tech skill (coding, editing/design, typing)

Learn a high value language (immerse, learn the alphabet)

Have better handwriting

Learn calligraphy

Dedicate AT LEAST an hour to this habit everyday. Choose something you enjoy. Don't make this feel like a chore.

Exercise:

10k steps a day

Practice dance (choreography online, ballet, jazz, contemp.)

Martial arts inspired exercises

100 crunches a day

Add stretching to these habits

3. Create a SIMPLE, fail proof plan that works for YOU.

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

3 habits. 2 of which should take at least 2 hours of your whole day. If you can't do that then you need some self-assessing to do.

Assess whether you work better in the morning or at night

Plan what hours you're going to do them.

Print out a paper with a time block schedule, set it infront of your desk, make it a widget on your phone, tape it on your room wall- anywhere where you can easily keep track of the time and what you should be doing now and in the next hour.

Example schedule that most people can relate to:

Productivity | Skill | Exercise

Wake up at 6am - me time (skincare, calm music, stretch)

7am - Full body exercise.

8-9am - Get ready for the day and head to work

13:00 - Break time (read a book, walk around for some peace of mind, or immerse yourself in the language you chose)

17:00 - Come back home and rewind. (eat, settle down, walk the dog)

18:00 - Learn how to code

19:00 - Get ready for the next day by planning

20:00 - Shower & get ready for bed

4. Reflect, always!

Keep a track of your consistency. 

This doesn't have to be an inconvenience or all set to be pretty and aesthetic.

Print out a habit tracker and tape it, along with a pen on a wall, next to your vanity, wherever is convenient and hard to miss so you can easily mark it off.

If it's close to bedtime, make it a routine to check what you have yet to accomplish.

You knocked off learning how to code, your phone says you walked 10k steps, but you see that you forgot to drink water? Then drink a sufficient glass of water, and place a check in the box.

Quick. Simple. Easy. No excuses.

There. 1 week goes by, soon 3 weeks, then a month, that month turns into 2, then 3, and those "goals" are now habits. A part of your daily routine. They become non-negotiables.

Just like how it's routine for you to go to wake up, brush your teeth, and get dressed everyday. 

Now that you created a set of habits, you can build upon them. In a few months time when you feel that it is right, create another action plan and introduce 3 new habits.

For example, you can try another dance style, wake up at an even earlier time, and you can learn how to speak another language or to put it simply, make it goal to reach an advanced level of your new skills

Another example could be towards a more specific ultimate goal. Like taking care of your outward appearance.

Habits for that ultimate goal can look like:

Putting on skincare oils to reduce scars

Growing your glutes + massaging your muscles

showering + brushing your teeth everyday

Rinse and repeat.

Remember that only you can save you. Only you are there for you. Your future is built now.

You don't need luck. You need self love.

— dreamdolldiary ₊˚🕯️♱‧₊˚. 

[4dkellysworld]

Real talk: When I gave up

Okay real talk here. This journey isn't always easy, especially at the start when you've just learned everything and you're identifying with an ego. Near the beginning of my journey, I came to understand a lot of the teachings intellectually and even instinctively. There was only one thing left. To realize Self. And I would keep trying with all these practices but felt like nothing was "happening" (even though intellectually I already knew there was nothing to achieve since we are already Self!). It was frustrating (but of course! I was still looking at all this from the identification of the ego).

Then one day I was sick of trying, sick of feeling desperate, sick of being on this goddamn mental pilgrimage, that I decided to give up on trying altogether. I already AM Self. From that day on, I decided I would always identify as Self and never again as the ego. And that's when things started naturally unfolding without me even doing anything and I gained more understanding experientially. Probably an unpopular take (for realized gurus lol) but I also threw away self-inquiry as a practice because I found it to be the least helpful for me personally and why do I need to ask "Who am I" when I already know I Am?

Abandon all imaginings and know yourself as you are - Nisargadatta Maharaj

I stopped seeking. I stopped trying. I stopped asking questions (including self-inquiry yay!). I stopped doing any practices to "get" or "understand" or "realize" anything. I stopped caring about understanding more of the teachings or gaining more understanding intellectually. I stopped thinking of Self-identification as some goal to reach, something that I need to progress on. I stopped waiting for anything to happen and just enjoyed being in the Now. I didn't realise at the time and only now upon reflection I realise that I gave up on all ego activities on spirituality lol. All of that is the ego looking for something to do and trying to achieve something. Only through my experience, do I now understand more deeply the things that realized masters have said. E.g. Robert Adams said something like "stop trying and seeking to be liberated and you will be because you already are". We've imagined our prisons but we are actually already liberated and always have been.

I decided (because it's true!) I already AM Self, it's not something you need to become (or understand in order to become). And because I AM, there is nothing to do but be.

edit: I found this passage a day after writing the initial draft of this post and Robert Adams said the same thing! But giving up was something I was led to by listening to Self. Truth is Truth :)

There is nothing you can think of in this Universe that can tell you what you are. It is beyond words and thoughts. You can never with your finite mind understand who you are. So do not try to do this. It works in reverse. It is when you actually stop thinking about who you are, or wanting to know who you are, and you stop analyzing, and you stop trying to figure it out, that the truth about you is revealed. Self-Realization from Silence of the Heart - Robert Adams

Two things I didn't stop doing: observing as the witness consciousness and sitting in silence in the awareness of being. But both "practices" are things I as Self naturally do because it's my very nature! It's not the same as when I used to identify as the ego and did them because I was trying to achieve something. Sitting in silence & stillness is literally my favourite activity now haha. I'm not sure whether to describe witnessing my ego progressively dissolving or merging into Self because both feel correct? Ah but that doesn't matter. Another thing I stopped caring is to label things as well and just let everything be and unfold on its own - there truly is so much peace and beauty in just being Self! I'm only trying to use words to describe this to share with others in case it's helpful for their journeys but of course words are limiting and you can only understand this when you experience it yourself.

There is nothing to get, only just BE. And it is soooo freeing and wonderful once you understand this. Give up on trying to make the mind and ego understand you are Self, that is a fruitless task. Leave them be. Stop trying to make things happen and just let things be. The more you stay in silence with this understanding, the more the light of awareness shines through and the more you will experientially understand this. Allow things to be and happen on their own, including the permanent identification with Self. Have no desires, expectations or judgments and just surrender to the Now. Just keep being Self.

Only look at who you are, over and over and over until it becomes the permanent identification and replaces the ego. - 4dbarbie

Remember to listen to your own Self above all. Everything else is simply a guide to point you towards Self. You are your greatest teacher! So listen to your Self and do what feels right for you.

Your own self is your ultimate teacher, the outer teacher is merely a milestone. It is only your inner teacher that will walk with you to the goal, because he is the goal. - Nisargadatta Maharaj

[andhumanslovedstories]

hi! i'm gonna overshare a little bit but i'm doing my nursing prereqs right now and i'm really worried. i'm kind of really mentally ill and i've been worrying recently if nursing is worth it. i want to help people and it sounds so interesting and i love medical stuff but i don't want to get burnt out with the stress and long hours. someone told me that nursing is a lot like being a restaurant server, and i don't want to go to school and get a degree and a career that's literally just serving again. is it satisfying? is it rewarding? is it soul-killing? i'm scared

hi there! I'll overshare in return! I'm just coming off three months of disability for burnout (which for me is just depression but with a name you can use in the workplace). My job didn't cause my depression, but it certainly exacerbated it. The hours, the stress, the constant exposure to people suffering and the limits on your ability to do something about it, all those suck and they can break your brain. (On the other hand, I've been majorly depressed while working at an ice cream parlor where the walk-in freezer was for smoking weed. You can be depressed anywhere.)

And it is a hard job! Harder in some parts of the field than others. Different places have different nursing cultures, different laws, different staffing, etc. Where I work, there's good protection and advocacy for nursing. That's not true everywhere.

With all that said--I really like nursing. I get to do work that I know contributes good to the world. I get to solve very practical problems. I meet people I would never otherwise meet. I have the opportunity every shift to do something that I am proud of. And a lot of times, I find it fun! It's fun to brainstorm how to make someone who's been puking all night feel better. It's fun to see your efforts rewarded, even in small ways. It's fun to stop something before it becomes an emergency. It's fun bustling around, juggling a dozen different things. It's not ALWAYS fun. But for me, the work is not just meaningful but also enjoyable.

That's how I knew I had bad burnout btw. Even when things went well and I did work I was proud of, every shift was such a fucking slog.

If you are interested in the basic work of nursing (managing the human response to illness and promoting health), then there's a million and one jobs you can do with a nursing degree. They cater to different traits. I've discovered I really like precepting new nurses, I like working on the floor with its routine and concrete goals, and I like symptom management. I don't like critical care or the emergency department or working on stuff that isn't patient care, like paperwork and charge nursing. I like novelty but not chaos. I like independence but not being left entirely to my own devices. I like that I physically cannot take any of my work home. I do not like being on committees. So for me, right now at this point in my life, I like being a basic med-surg night shift float pool nurse. I would be absolutely miserable as a neuro ICU critical care day shift nurse. I would be bored to death being an inpatient rehab night nurse. Being a nurse manager would probably make me suicidal again.

If you find the basic work interesting and rewarding, you can tailor it to your taste. (I can't recommend floor nursing enough for the adhd havers amongst us.)

and last thing, regarding mental illness: I think a lot of nurses (and ppl in healthcare in general) struggle with mental illness way more than they think they do. Someone who knows they have depression and works to manage it will likely be more resilient than someone endlessly pushing through their fatigue and misery. Probably a better nurse, too. I take meds, go to therapy, get sleep, push myself to eat, take sick days, protect my limited energy, do physical activity--I'm a gym girlie now!!--because I'm treating a disease I know that I have. Just knowing that there's something up with your brain and doing something about it puts you way ahead like half of the people who work the emergency department.

[rose-tinted-kalopsia]

on "voyage of the outcast"; a psychological analysis with a look into identity, feelings of inferiority, and the glorification of self-sacrifice.

LONG OVERDUE, THIS TOOK FOREVER ?? mentally im not over his story branch and i think about it OFTEN and i have a LOT OF THOUGHTS.......... this'll actually focus less on the story branch (and the potential parallels) itself, but more on what, personally, i think could be the implications!!! 🥰

warnings :: spoilers, +this is quite long! 😭

i'll preface this by saying that . confession time!!!!!! i didn't expect a lot out of this because mostly because i was initially pretty worried about how they would connect the last time we saw xavier (at philo) with the current point in the story, especially given that we ended on a point of a cliffhanger and xavier's and mc's relationship had not developed anywhere near close at that point. but i'm actually pretty impressed with how the writers handled xavier's branch... and i'm more than grateful that infold didn't fuck it up as much as i thought they would 😭

with that said...

HOLY SHIT DID THEY GO HAM WITH THIS 😭😭

and parallels and references aside, i really am quite happy that they perpetuated something i've been waiting to look into more in-depth for a while—because i feel that in these chapters, we get to see a lot of how xavier's upbringing has really shaped the way that he carries himself. sure, we've already seen it quite a bit in his limited cards, but seeing it in the main story hits more, especially when... there hasn't necessarily been a deep level of relationship development between the two yet.

which, the branch may reference his lightseeker myths and the anecdote "when shooting stars fall" a lot, but i'm glad that this gives the same desired effect even if you didn't get a lot of his cards (especially limited ones). because thankfully it's at least made pretty clear that xavier and mc haven't had the chance to develop their relationship very much past what we know in the main story itself. they're not in a relationship at this point, which, according to the cards, seems to really only get to that point after "21 days"...

so this brings us back to the xavier that we're more familiar with from before that card. the xavier who's still figuring out how to accept the parts of himself that had become a lot more fragmented throughout the years. the xavier who doesn't know how to do it yet, but the xavier who's still trying.

i know i did go into his upbringing and whatnot in some form of detail in my lumiere analysis (here, in case you maybe want to go through that too <3), but i'll expand on that a little bit here!! so how this will go, as much as i can keep it within the outline, is something like background + personality -> relationship. overall, we'll look into how each has influence over the other, and how that ties in to what we see in "voyage of the outcast"!!

++ a lot of these may be a little complex, but with the best of my abilities i'll try to break it down so its easily digestible !!!!!!! but, like... i'll disclaimer here again with this being my own personal speculation, from my understanding of his character hehe <3 so take it with a grain of salt? maybe? whdjsjfhhs

i. background and personality notes.

long-established is the fact that xavier has been depicted as royalty. at his core, he's the prince of philos—heir to the throne, someone who is to lead philos and its people when the current king no longer can.

...but he's also not been very happy about it. he'd distance himself from his family, and his duties, as much as he's able to...

and again, what does mc see when they first meet?

—"they say he doesn't live on campus because his family background is complicated, and many people have seen him surrounded by bodyguards."

—"they aren't clad in all black as one would expect, and they keep a respectable distance away from xavier. still, these people exude an air of oppression. xavier, with his bag, is at the center of their group. it seems he's used to being stared at. the only difference is that rather than being his usual expressionless self, he appears slightly upset."

—"'you appeared to be upset, so i thought you wanted to be free.'"

—"'i wish xavier is free to do what he wants.'"

she says all these things because even she recognizes him to be trapped. this is the mc that doesn't know him, isn't close to him yet at this point—but this is what she observes.

and this is the core of what we'll be looking at this time which i would section off into: (a) the nature of a prince, (b) constraint and psychological resistance, (c) incongruence of identity, and (d) feelings of inferiority. all of that, then, will tie into their relationship as a whole !

because if in the lumiere analysis we zeroed in on how this feeling of being "trapped" affected his identity—which, arguably though, is a big point so we'll get back to it nonetheless under section (c)—this time we're going to try to look into why these issues with his identity mean so much.

i. - (a) ; the nature of a prince.

something i do wish we had (or may get) more insight into is what exactly his life was like in philos x.x largely what we know of can only be inferred, because the story is being told through mc's point of view, and technically mc doesn't get too deep into the kind of lifestyle each of the LI's have.

with that being said... xavier, in his lightseeker myths and the 'when shooting stars fall' anecdote, still does encapsulate typical princely duties. there's the formality of royalty, the responsibility that comes with a higher status... a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title, and in that effect—we all know that there's a certain air of elegance and poise that xavier generally carries himself with, whether that be in his swordfighting, or the words he uses (he has pretty eloquent speech sometimes), the books he reads... even little things, like the calligraphy he does, his handwriting, the slow dancing, playing the piano. he's well learned, and it's clear that he's been trained truly in the image of a prince.

and he's calm. collected. for the most part, we've seen him deal with adversities in a way that's almost chillingly calm; and for the most part, he portrays himself in a way that feels as if it's not easy to get him to lose that calm. again, it's why we as the audience tend to be so shocked when he does—maybe incredibly, even, especially with misty silhouette as of late. he gives this image of someone who does not often lose control of his emotions...

but it's never been because he wants it that way.

along with all of these things, comes the duty of being a prince.

a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. again, there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title. but more than that, is the responsibility of holding such a high status.

xavier is the crown prince. he's the next-in-line. he's expected to take the throne after his father's death, and that means being able to lead and care for the people of his nation—or, well, planet, i suppose, in this case, philos. that's a heavy burden to bear. he's already likely faced with all these lessons, to exude a princely demeanor, and all that formality, and speciality, and elegance, and poise—and now he has to keep in mind that the satisfaction and the safety of this planet will fall directly into his hands when the time comes.

we know later on in his lightseeker myth that this means much more than we think it does—because it means being aware of, and accepting, and condoning the sacrifices that go into keeping philos safe, for, well... exactly that. to keep the people safe.

—"...I knew you'd catch on. However, it is a necessary duty of the crown prince. It is also the King's responsibility."

—"Xavier! Listen to me. A King cannot act on his emotions or only protect the people he holds dear. Your duty is to protect Philos. You must only do what is necessary."

his duties are outlined. he has to protect philos. he must only do what is necessary.

it may be the topic of another conversation entirely, but the whole debacle with philos is really just that whoever is on the throne has to answer: "which is it that men cannot live without? a blessing that leads to damnation, or a freedom that leads to deprivation?" [joshua rosfield and the ff16 writers, thank you for this quote that lives in my head rent free] and like, hell. that's a difficult choice to make.

it's also worth noting that although the context here is somewhat dark, this is a rule that applies to general leadership—there is not much room to be selfish, because you have to think about the people under your care, or rule, or jurisdiction. it's a responsibility that falls on your shoulders for you to bear, for you to make the right call, the right decision—that is the value that the xavier's father is trying to instill in him.

because he is the crown prince.

because he will soon be king.

and heavy is the head that wears the crown.

...only, xavier has never once been receptive of it.

i. - (b) ; constraint and psychological resistance.

we go back to, again, "when shooting stars fall", and the very clear recognition mc has of his lack of freedom.

because that's what it is.

lack of freedom.

because duty is the enemy of freedom.

and xavier, given his position, is undeniably plagued by all of these duties and these obligations and these things that fall to him-

yet, he's never wanted any of it.

though not explicitly confirmed in the game itself, the setup that's implied leads us as the audience to believe that xavier has never enjoyed his royal duties, never found that it was something he desired. it could be that he wanted many other things, but has never been allowed to enjoy these things. in "when shooting stars fall", he's often lonely; often surrounded by these "bodyguards" and rarely interacting with other people in the academy. he believes that these figures restrict him from watching the meteor shower with mc, too. it's possible to think that he's believed, all that time, that he had no say in the things that he does...

because he has to be molded into the perfect image of a prince.

that's where it comes in: the constraint.

something that limits one's freedom of action or choice.

it may or may not be what happened in actuality, but it's clear that by the time anecdote 3 happens, xavier had developed into a person with the misbelief, conditioned, that he was not allowed to do as he wished. it could be the strict training, it could be the things they might have kept from him when he was little.

but xavier believed that there was nothing that he could do.

in a sense, this brought about a sense of learned helplessness.

learned helplessness is the learned feeling that one has little to no control over a certain situation—and because of the lack of control, feelings of helplessness, or passivity, or a lack of motivation to take action, end up resurfacing. it could mean overlooking opportunities for relief, or change—it means basically accepting the situation as-is, without bothering to try to get out of it. "it is what it is." "i can't do anything anyway, so why should i still bother?"

this is the xavier that we meet at the beginning of anecdote 3.

— "I can't." "Is it because of those..." I hesitate, wondering what to call them. "People?" Xavier appears shocked, and then he nods without saying a word.

— "Don't be sad. I'll just go by myself... I'll bring your wish to the stars when I do. What's your wish?" "I don't have one." "How could someone not wish for anything?"

however...

it changes.

the xavier at the beginning of that anecdote is not the same xavier we see at the end of it.

mc makes various comments; talks about how he's smiling more, and we see him more deliberately avoiding the company of those "people" in favor of being with mc instead. he's found something he wants, and he makes the decision that this is worth fighting for. it breaks him out of that mold of learned helplessness—

only to have it ripped away from him through mc's death.

this anecdote is painful because he realizes that he doesn't have to be trapped anymore... but it's a moment that's short-lived.

and it builds.

it builds.

it's very likely that the end of that anecdote haunts him for years on end, builds up a certain sense of resentment and disdain for the universe, for his circumstances, and builds more of that rebellious nature.

when we see him in his lightseeker myth, that learned helplessness is gone.

and instead, it switches to the opposite end.

xavier is more headstrong. he's no longer passive, no longer the boy who was unsatisfied with the restrictions but sat still and did nothing. he literally walks out of his conversation with the king, and he's seen multiple times in the myth defying what's expected of him.

but because it's gotten to the point where he's at the opposite end of the spectrum...

he'd develop, instead, what would be called psychological resistance.

maybe not the concept in its entirety, sure, but the very core of it—that is, displaying these paradoxical, opposing behaviors in response to what he'd be told to do.

it's, in a way, that xavier would have himself feeling stuck nonetheless; because he's so insistent on rebelling against all of this, that the more he's told he's a prince, or that he has to do this, or that, or help philos, or whatever, he completely turns his back on it. i would argue that at this point he is being less objective of the situations and, going against the expected conduct of a prince, gets overly emotional��at this point, the only thing that matters to him is mc.

we get to see the full extent of exactly why xavier is emotionally unstable, because he keeps fluctuating between the two extremes of dealing with all the constraint he's experienced.

i. - (c) ; incongruence of identity.

it get worse, naturally.

to set the stage for this, i'd bring forth the concepts of "congruence" and "incongruence" of identity.

so when we talk about congruence, this refers to the fact that there is a balance between our ideal selves (aka who we want to be) and our actual selves (who we are currently). this means that we basically accept who we are, either that we feel like we are already our ideal selves, or we recognize that though we might not be at our ideal stage, we know how to work to achieve it. there is no conflict between who we are and who we want to become.

incongruence is the opposite of that, and refers to the imbalance of the self. who we are now is not who we want to be, but we don't like that idea. we don't know how to work towards it. it makes us upset, and we may reject ourselves completely to pursue the sense of idealism.

and xavier falls heavily into incongruence.

there's more to it—

according to james marcia, there are four (4) statuses of identity: identity foreclosure, identity diffusion, identity moratorium, and identity achievement.

foreclosure refers to committing to an identity and accepting it, without exploring other options: you'd rather just blindly accept values and ideas and identities that other people suggest, without bothering to consider other options. it's most clear that xavier falls under identity foreclosure.

(diffusion refers to no identity commitment, and no exploration of identities; there is no strong sense of who you are as a person, neither is there any sense of actively trying to work on it. moratorium includes actively exploring options, but not being able to settle into one identity. achievement is the ideal, having explored options and willingly chosen the identity that feels right to you.)

so we have the xavier who's initial identity was chosen and laid out for him without much of his own say in the matter, and because he doesn't want the identity, because it's forced onto him, he develops such an aversive reaction to it that it proves to be quite harmful to the stability of his mental state.

something i've talked about a lot, is how this state of his identity is a cornerstone to the things we see him struggle with, in the main story and in his cards alike, and especially in his relationship with mc. and it sets the tone for the xavier that we see and interact with, as well as the character arc he has to go through to grow into a better person.

once again, it pulls out the fact that he needs to learn to accept who he is as a whole. what he keeps doing is striving for an ideal, striving to become who he "should", as far away from his princely identity as possible. but it's necessary for him to realize that even the most conflicting parts of him are still.. well, him.

the more we attempt to be who or what we are not, the more we remain the same. but when we acknowledge and become what we are, we open right new possibilities for change.

it's not necessarily a matter of blindly accepting your faults and not bothering to change that, but acknowledging the parts of you that you refuse to acknowledge, because you can't just... ignore who you are. like xavier has been very keen on doing.

i. - (d) ; feelings of inferiority.

i want to preface this section by saying two things: (1) that inferiority is a word that's thrown a lot very casually, but actually means something different than what general media portrays it to mean... and, (2) that all of the LI's show conflict with feelings of inferiority, in very different ways, and this is not limited to just xavier!

and to understand what inferiority really means, we go back to the person who coined the term in the first place: alfred adler.

so alfred adler is this guy who's basically responsible for what we call "individual psychology", and the very very basis of it is that people are driven by a need to feel that they are significant, and that they belong. there's heavy emphasis on the importance of relationships and social environments, and— a person is influenced by how they interpret events that happened to them in the past.

i hope you see where i'm going with this !!!!

when we relate this to xavier... we can recall how under learned helplessness, it was primarily xavier's view of how he was treated, that he developed a sense of passivity. when things change and he loses mc despite finally learning how to rebel a little, his view changes into one stained more with frustration and disdain—so he works against the situation and rejects it.

the fact is that we as the audience don't know how he was really treated. sure, we can make inferences, but we're just about making the same inferences that mc and xavier do. it's a limited perspective. and what matters the most in a limited perspective is how it's interpreted. we can see clearly how xavier has interpreted his narrative, and it therefore results into his behavior.

so where does inferiority come in?

it does get kind of intense, because individual psychology is closely related to early childhood. so the theory goes that everyone's born with a little bit of inferiority—and then, as kids, or as babies because we strive for the attention of our parents to help fulfil our basic needs we develop this kind of habit of striving to get rid of that inferiority. baby wants food (sense of inferiority and dependance), baby cries (tries to get attention to get rid of the feelings of inferiority).

so it goes that if the child gets the proper care that they need, then problem solved. but inadequate nurturing... means the problem gets worse. we'd go back to learned helplessness, because then the child would feel like they have no control over their surroundings. and while this is normal in small amounts, if it isn't addressed, compensation is just not enough anymore.... and then they would strive for even more.

overcompensation.

and overcompensation leads to an inferiority complex.

now, an inferiority complex isn't what you might be thinking, because it doesn't necessarily just mean seeing yourself as... less than someone. in fact, it's not even about comparison, really, it's just... the feeling of not being enough. it's a lack of self esteem where the feelings of inferiority that all this started with just, haven't been dealt with at all. so it's a cycle of constantly trying to compensate, and compensate, and compensate... it's the need of someone to feel special because they can't accept themselves as flawed. (it's unfortunate, because everyone is flawed... including themselves.)

(it gets worse, because if even that gets left unchecked, it develops a superiority complex which is kind of the same concept, but instead focuses on looking for the "easy way out", like borrowing authority or luxury or power from other people and living according to other people's value system)

but, i digress, because in xavier's case, his sense of inferiority stems from the identity forced upon him. given his background that we went over, there's a lot of pressure involved... and it is once again inferred that he does not have, or does not view that he has, a good relationship with his father (one would assume, including his mother, though i don't believe his mother has been mentioned anywhere?). it's a sense of a lack of nurture; the fact that he has felt as if his needs were not being met and instead pushed aside for something like the "greater good of the people of philos", or something along the lines.

he has to do something about it.

it goes back to the cycle.

the learned helplessness is pushed aside, and he keeps doing things because he has to. and it could be due to the belief that it's what will make him worth anything.

he has to.

except instead of directing his determination necessarily towards the planet he was supposed to lead... because he's so aversive to his identity as a prince...

he directs that towards...

mc.

he has to help her. he has to save her. he'd give rise to the whole lumiere thing to save her, even despite how much he despises resuming an identity similar to the prince of philos.

he has to.

(which, side note: i do believe that his sword fighting also somewhat stems from an inferiority complex, because of the line:

"it's not that i like it. it's the only thing i've been good at since i was a child."

(implying; his need to still feel good at something despite a lack of enjoyment... almost as if compensating for something.)

ii. xavier and mc.

so what does all of this mean for their relationship?

evidently, at the time of voyage of the outcast and the general main story, none of these issues are addressed. this is not like the lumiere myths, not like 21 days, no restraint, floral blessing—this is the xavier who's still largely unstable on the inside but trying to put on a brave face.

there's a lot of things he doesn't know how to navigate.

but the one thing he is sure of is:

mc.

always mc.

she's important to him and he loves her and he has always loved her. this is the person who was the catalyst to him believing that freedom was possible.

and we've had this whole thing established, that he's so insistent on keeping her around that—he doesn't know what to be. he doesn't know what to do. he wants her around, he wants her to like him—

but what does she like?

there's too many sides of him, and he recognizes that this mc in this timeline is her own person. what should he be? he doesn't want her near whatever princely persona he's had in the past—but what if that's what she wants? he wants to show her the person he wants to be, but what if that's not what she wants?

how does he navigate that?

it's the baseline of where he starts—why we see him aloof, and vague, and a little cyptic. he wants to be careful with his words not just to protect her and not just for nonintervention principle... but also because he wants to figure out what she wants, and really wants to make her like him.

he doesn't want to lose her. he doesn't want to mess up and have her go to another guy, he doesn't want this to be a timeline where he can't win her heart.

it's there again, the determination—

he has to.

he has to.

he's doing all these things, working in secret to protect her—he can't lose her. and he's not enough, so he has to do something to compensate that. he wants her approval, he wants praise, he wants her to like him.

when we go back to voyage of the outcast, there's still a lot of that same xavier that we start with—he's still struggling with all of these ideals, the interaction of all that he's grown up with and the things that he has to learn how to navigate.

he's still a little vague, still a little cryptic...

but he's trying, most of all.

he puts in an effort.

— "Isn't there something you genuinely want to ask?"

— "Oh... You're asking if I have a hidden side to me like Soren?"

— "You must have more questions."

he's giving her a chance.

even if the way he answers are still lacking in explanation—it's a step forward nonetheless.

and they do talk about it, that sequence by the basketball court has so much to it, because in one way or another, he's still trying to express his thoughts, even if it comes out, again, still a little vague.

"Perhaps it's because he looks like a good student that makes him the best at doing things behind the scenes. After all, people don't write their secrets on their faces. The calmer the water's surface, the easier it is to hide dangerous undercurrents."

even mc recognizes it:

— "Even though I'm so close to you, experienced all these life-and-death situations with you, I still cannot seem to fully understand you."

but why i say he's trying is that, in theory, he understands what he's lacking in. at this point in the story, he knows he's doing things to mask and pick and choose what he shows her, he recognizes that it's not what he should be doing:

"But... the parts of me you think you know and the parts you think you don't know... They make up who I am. All of me, right here in front of you."

it's just that, knowledge is often different from practice.

from the xavier we see here, you get the image that he knows what he should be doing, but he doesn't quite know how to get there. he knows what he wants to tell her, but he doesn't know how to express it properly.

and it's why when we get to The kindled scene, we're pulled back into the xavier that still hasn't come to terms with himself and what he wants, the xavier that falls into the shadow of himself that can't help but be so aversive to his princely duties.

we pull together the insecurities, the incongruence— the inferiority complex.

and we end up with the glorification of sacrifice.

this is something i've always always wanted to get into, and again, similarly to inferiority, it's present in all the LI's, but xavier's really makes you think, you know?

because for being so aversive to his role as a prince and everything that philos has done/has planned to do to queen mc especially, you'd think he'd be just aversive to the role of sacrifice, in general.

(i mean, i know i would be! 😭)

it's like— if i'm already that aversive, then i'd rather find some kind of workaround to it than bother giving into the sacrificial needs of the planet, just to challenge what's supposed to be, you know?

— "A planet that uses... ... ...to survive.... doesn't deserve to be saved." [ <- do you see the aversion? there's so much hatred and disdain in this! ]

and yet, that's not what xavier does.

— "Starfall forest... will stop once it has enough power..."

— "I couldn't... I didn't protect you before. At least... it chose me this time..."

he was very clearly planning on having the forest take him. it's even further pushed by him recognizing mc to be there, but... the bottomline falls to the fact that he was willing to be the sacrifice that was needed instead.

the contradiction is there, no?

he doesn't want to save the planet, not at all, but yet he'd offer himself.

and although this falls to my personal speculation, when you draw references from his background, there's once again the fact that he grew up with all of these ideaologies. his parents were the first sources of influence—and then whoever had been with him through his growth, and trainings, or whatever else as a prince. and he was learning all these things in philos, the very planet that did use sacrifices.

and upset though he always has been about learning of the sacrifices, it's not as if the planet condemned mc for being the sacrifice... if not, well... glorified her, somewhat. they called her the perfect sacrifice—the life force of the planet. they held importance in what they believed to be "true immortality". moreover— "her duty was to save philos, because her existence worked in such a manner."

it wasn't just "whatever" to them, and they surely didn't treat her like shit just because she was a sacrifice.

it feels as if, the theme goes as "you're doing a good job being the sacrifice. your sacrifice will save us and that is worth something to be thankful for."

and even if xavier is clearly averse to the idea... again—the fact remains that he was brought up with the entire theme of sacrifice surrounding him.

we circle back to inferiority.

there's that certain sense of belongingness, or approval, that was never fulfilled in his childhood, so much that he began to resent everything altogether, enough to rebel so much, the way that he did.

but it stems from what he never received.

and while he may not care anymore for approval from the people of philos, what he does care for is mc's approval.

because again, mc is the only one that truly matters to him, the one he focuses on the most, the one he's doing all of this for.

he has to do something to compensate, he has to do something so that she'll love him.

the same line of thinking that we said earlier he'd come to terms with knowledge-wise, that he's trying to be more genuine instead of chasing after compensation and praise and compensation and praise—

but again, in this scene, it falls back.

he's lost sense of reasoning, the evol, the protofield, they're all affecting him... and we go back to that sentiment.

he has to do something. to protect her. to save her. to be...

noble.

the only issue with that is in this moment, he's faced with the prospect of sacrifice. and he's thinking, "fuck it, this will make her happy—i can save her—i can do something—it will give me some worth."

he's sucked back into that shell, and the option in front of him is sacrifice, which he's likely long grown up with surrounded by glorified opinions of.

it's his duty.

he has to.

and it's just so gut-wrenching to think about, because he loves mc so much that it bypasses even every ounce of aversion and resentment (that she triggered long long back), and he would do anything for her.

the xavier that we see in this scene is raw, and lost, and in pain....

he loves her so much that it hurts.

... but, there's beauty in the way that this teaches him firsthand what he's missing, too. he learns to trust her more, learns to rely on her more... enough so that he drops a good portion of the aloof, distant-ish act he'd been generally having after this scene.

— "Your power will keep me safe."

— "It's as if he's already at the finish line with the answers. He's quietly waiting to see if l'll join him or choose a different path."

voyage of the outcast ends on a hopeful note for their relationship, because there is the premise that he's going to start being a little more true to himself from here on.

i think it's interesting to go through this again after floof attack and misty silhouette, but there's definitely a stark contrast and some sort of progression actually involved with the way they're progressing the main story—it does feel natural, not forced, not rushed, because xavier and mc are still at the pount where neither of them are ready to be romantically involved...

but they're getting there. slowly. steadily.

and it's really nice to see the growth, that i can't wait to see how xavier will continue to grow from hereon out 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

THIS TOTALLY GOT A LITTLE MESSY TOWARDS THE END.... I SWEAR THIS IS LIKE. THESIS DISSERTATION CORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW LONG ITS GOTTEN WJFJWNBGEJJF BUT IF YOUVE MADE IT THIS FAR TY FOR LISTENING TO MY RAMBLES !! 😭😭😭✋✋✋✋

i think about his story branch a lot but specifically the basketball scene and the one at the end with the lil shared earphones... im gonna sob in the corner i actually want to hold him in my arms so so gently 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[torialefay]

🗝️ Sun in Scorpio ♠️

minho as your boyfriend!!! (pt. 1)

(based on astrology) 🔞

✨minho x reader (f); possessive fluff, slightly suggestive at the end

✨take a look into lee know’s natal chart to see what type of boyfriend he would be! in this post, i will be talking about his sun in scorpio. this is a series!!! so follow up later if u want more <3

✨i will give a brief synopsis of what each chart placement means (for all my non-astrology friends out there <3) and how that would affect minho in a relationship :)

✨word count: ~2k

✨ author’s notes:

★★ (1) i do do brief astrological compatibility readings if anyone wants one! if you’re interested, message me your birth date, time, and location OR lmk your placements. i’m gonna limit the reading to include you x 1 skz member only! just specify who you’d like.

(2) i am wanting to get better at using neutral-gendered pronouns so more people can feel included in my posts. i’m really struggling since i use phrases like “my girl” a lot. anyone who has some good alternatives or tips, please message and lmk! i really want to be able to start cranking out more gn options!

(3) the aspects in this reading are based solely on my opinions and interpretations! nothing about a person is set in stone simply because of astrology. please don’t use anything i say as canon :)

(4) i will not be going into ascendant or house placements because lee know’s birth time has not been confirmed for AM or PM

✨warnings: some explicit language

✨ tl/dr: minho as your boyfriend will spoil the shit out of you and charm you until you can’t help but live and breathe him. he’s got to keep a grasp on you at all times- literally AND figuratively.

Sun in Scorpio: Sun signs are all about personality- the face you show the world! It is also the lens through which you usually see yourself and how friends would describe you.

• Scorpio has two planetary rulers- Mars and Pluto. Mars is the ruler of action and aggression, while Pluto is the ruler of transformation and rebirth. Scorpio is an amazing mixture of the two, as it embodies strong desires, innate control, and deep mental and supraphysical understanding.

• Scorpios encapsulate passion. They tend to have a deep understanding of others and can utilize this power to their advantage. They are able to influence others to do as they wish. Scorpios have a deep understanding of beauty and admire things that could be seen as dark, different, or strange to others.

• Scorpios have a tendency to become obsessive, controlling even, if not careful. They get fully engrossed into who other people are and want others to fully engross themselves in them as well.

• Scorpios are known for their creative and expressive nature- something that comes naturally to them. Because of this, they can really shine in areas such as art or drama, historian or detective, intuitive research or psychology, and are amazing for dabbling in the occult.

As your boyfriend:

• He is super protective over you. He’s always watching behind you as you do something to make sure you’re okay and no one is bothering you… And to be honest, I don’t think many people WOULD bother you, knowing you were the person with a psycho boyfriend (in a good way <3).

• He would bring you lunch any chance he got. If you were at work/school and he knew you hadn’t brought lunch or hadn’t had lunch that day, he’d definitely bring you something- whether he picked it up or made it himself. It also gives him an excuse to see you and check on you during the day.

• He knows when you are having a bad day. And he knows exactly how you need him to act in order to help you deal with it. When he senses something is wrong, he will pull you onto his lap in a hug and tell you to talk to him about it.

• Other people think he’s cold, but he’s definitely not with you. He loves you and nurtures you. He takes pride in knowing every part of you. He loves that there is a side of him that is specifically for you and not for the rest of the world. He’d like it if you were the same.

• He loves when the both of you have a chance to get dressed up. To look good for one another and just enjoy the other’s company.

• He loves nice dates, ones where he can make a grand gesture to make you feel loved and special.

• That’s why it was no surprise when he’d texted you earlier to dress up pretty for him and he’d be at your apartment to pick you up at 8.

• This was a monthly occurrence. Him surprising you with a nice date- and when I say nice, I mean NICE.

• Yes, you went on smaller dates a lot too, but he made it a priority to spoil you with something bigger at least once a month.

• So here you were, all dressed up in your favorite dark blue satin dress. It looked absolutely enchanting with it’s spaghetti strap and cowl neck top with a deep slit running up the side.

• You made sure to do your hair his favorite way- loose curls all brought to one side.

• You gave yourself one final look in the mirror, swiping on a glossy coat over your lip stain before heading out the door. Minho was already waiting on you downstairs.

• When he saw you like this, he always smirked.

• ‘Looking so beautiful all for me,’ he thought.

• Once you got to him, he just smiled at you, taking your hand in his.

• “Now, are you going to tell me where we’re off to?” you asked.

• “Shhh, you’ll see,” he kissed your hand, leading you out to the car.

• He always made sure to open the car door for you and make sure you were buckled before you took off.

• And of course he always had to rest one hand in his favorite spot- gripping onto one of your thighs. It was harder when you had a dress on, but he’d never let that stop him. He needed to always have a hold on you.

• Arriving at your destination, it was a quaint building you didn’t recognize. You’d never been here before, but it seemed to be a small restaurant with only a few (very nice) cars in the parking lot.

• The valet rushed to the car to speak with Minho and grab the keys.

• You smiled up at your boyfriend as he walked around to your side of the car, opening the door for you and taking your hand in his to help you stand.

• As you made your way toward the restaurant, he made sure to hold tightly to the one hand, while the other stabilized on your hip, making sure you were safe while ascending the few steps in front of you.

• “Hello, can I get your name please?” the host of the restaurant asked as you stepped inside. It was a beautiful restaurant- dark and sensual. There was very minimal lighting, but what they did have gave a beautiful warm glow. The sleek bar to the right shined bright from the sparkly crystal bottles aligning each of the shelves- luxury liquor only.

• “Lee,” he said, matter of factly, only taking a brief moment to look at the host. Tonight, his eyes were only on you.

• The host presented a big smile before stepping to the side and motioning for you to follow him. “Great, Mr. Lee. Right this way.”

• Minho let you walk just slightly in front of him, always watching your back to make sure he had a full view of you. One hand continued to rest on your hip. It was like it was glued there. He never wanted to lose contact with you.

• The host led you down one of the dimly-lit aisles and to the back of the building. Off to itself, he rounded a corner to lead to a beautiful, private, screened-in room in the back. It sat adjacent to a huge lake, which could be seen through the mesh netting of the “walls” that enclosed you. With the moon shining bright over the water and the stars on full display, it was a captivating view.

• Minho pulled your seat out for you to sit before pushing you in towards the table. You allowed yourself this moment to look around the beautiful secluded room. It was still dark like the interior of the building, with the nice, warm lighting. But there was an even more bewitching feeling to it through the beautiful scenery and soft music that was emanating from afar. It was absolutely breathtaking.

• If there was anything Minho knew how to do, it was how to wine and dine you. He made sure to start the evening with ordering a full bottle of your favorite reserve red wine. He loved the way you looked and smiled at him after a glass or two- how lovey dovey you got for him and how you began to try and charm him, getting all giggly, before the night was over with.

• He encouraged you to get whatever you wanted off the menu- even if it was the most expensive thing by far, he wanted you to have it. He was never going to let you pay anyways.

• Once you decided what you wanted, he always wanted you to tell him so that he could order for you. It wasn’t that he thought you were incapable of ordering for yourself, but he wanted you to know that you would always be taken care of when he was there. He didn’t want you to have to take your attention off of him for one second.

• Your heart always swelled as you watched him order- for some odd reason. And he never ordered just what the two of you wanted. No way. He made sure to always order at least 3 or so dishes so that you could share with each other and sample everything. He would make sure to have something on the table that his baby loved.

• Even if you were absolutely stuffed, if he noticed there was still wine in your glass, he would always order a dessert for the two of you to share. And although he wouldn’t admit it, this was also a way to extend his time out with you.

• He’d make sure to do all the gross romantic stuff with you, like feeding you a bite of the crème brulèe straight from his spoon. He definitely didn’t want to overdo it though and would NOT do it unless you two were in private.

• At the end of the evening, after your head felt light and bubbly from the wine and your stomach was full, he made sure to tip the waiter very generously. You loved that about him. That’s why the restaurant owners and workers always loved to see the two of you back.

• Taking the last sip of your whine, you leaned in with a smile, half-whispering “thank you for dinner, jagi.”

• “Thank you for being here with me, love,” he said back. Slowly, he stood from his chair, so naturally you waited in yours as he always requested, so that he could again pull your chair out before you stood.

• He made his way over as usual, standing behind you, but this time he didn’t put his hands on the chair.

• Instead, he placed one hand on the nape of your neck, bending down to plant a soft kiss to your shoulder and then to the side of you neck.

• You let out a giggle as you started to blush. “Stop itttt, you know we can’t do that here.”

• “I know, but I had to at least get a little bit out,” he smiled smugly.

• Suddenly, you saw his hands both in front of you and a cold sensation on your chest. You looked down to see a beautiful silver pendant resting just between your collar bones.

• “What’s this?” you asked, as you felt his hands secure the latch at the back of your neck.

• He walked to your side so that he could see your face and bent down, resting one knee on the ground.

• “Why don’t you look at it and tell me?”

• You picked the small-ish pendant up to examine it. On the front, in dainty cursive font read “LMH”. Lee Min Ho.

• The back had a single, small diamond implanted in it. Around it’s edges, it had a Latin phrase inscription. You read it aloud. “Aut viam inveniam aut faciam?” You tried to make the words out, looking to your boyfriend for confirmation.

• “That’s right jagi. ‘I will either find a way or make one’. For you.” He smiled up at you, as your looked at him with eyes of endearment. The love you had for this man was unbearable. You could hardly stand the emotions that he made you feel.

• He gently reached out for your hand, planting a gentle kiss to it, before standing up and motioning for you to do the same.

• Once you were upright on your feet, he leaned in next to your ear. “It looks beautiful on you, by the way,” he whispered seductively.

• You smirked, the boldness of the wine starting to manifest out of you. “I’ll keep it on for you later. Everything else is coming off,” you winked.

• His eyes grew large for a split second before turning himself so that he body was right up against yours. He swiftly let his hands wonder to your waist, then hips, then grab lightly at your ass.

• “That sounds perfect,” he planted a small, sweet kiss to your lips. “But that necklace is never coming off of you. Promise me. Promise me you’ll wear it at all times, and I’ll always be with you.” He looked at you, his face full of sincerity and genuine lust.

• “Anything for you,” you gave in to him before leaning in for another slow kiss.

• You knew that’s exactly what he wanted. For you to give yourself fully to him. You’d play around with him later, but for now, you would give yourself up. He knew you were his.

———————————————————————————————————

✨ author’s note: lowkey thinking this man put a tracker in the necklace lol. he just wants to know you’re safe and also wants to be able to know where you are at all times. but it’s up to you what you want to think 🤷‍♀️

✨ if you enjoyed, please consider liking, commenting, or re-blogging <3

[madamechrissy]

♡ Time after Time ♡

♡ ♡ Pairings ♡ ♡ CEO! Satoru Gojo x Fem Reader

♡ ♡ Warnings ♡ ♡ MDNI- explicit sex, pregnancy sex, cunnilingus, daddy kink

♡ ♡ Summary ♡ ♡ Gojo Satoru is your boss And you've been his head assistant for over two years now. You do everything for him, including and not limited to cleaning his messes, picking out his clothes, and writing his speeches. Sixteen hour days... night calls... You are tired of being overworked and at his beck and call. You decide you are going to put in your two weeks notice. He is shocked, and wants to try to keep you, because you're the best. But you know better. Right? . You really wanna fucking quit. You also wanna fuck him. Also, fuck him.

A/N (Kinda has 'two weeks notice' vibes a bit! No use of y/n.

Chapter 15- end - Masterlist - Playlist

Epilogue I

“Hey… you okay baby girl?”

Satoru Gojo is holding your hair back, as you’re embarrassingly throwing up for the millionth time. You shiver, shaking your head, as you’d been throwing up all night and all morning. You all had gone out for drinks with Nanami and his girlfriend, who was fastly becoming your good friend, but after just one rum and coke, you’d started to feel queasy and switched to water.

Now here you were.

“I don’t know… it’s awful. I only had one drink, and it was just…” You pause, flushing the toilet then, and grow silent in thought. “I need to brush my teeth again.”

“Come on.” He helps you up, and you start brushing your teeth with that fancy electronic toothbrush he’d bought you back when you were starting to date. He looks at you in the mirror, carefully brushing your hair into a ponytail.

You adore him.

“Maybe you should go to the doctor?” He asks, and you sigh, looking away, counting mentally in your head.

When was your last…

“Fuck!” You rinse your mouth out, turning to him in shock. His blue eyes narrow, and you’re pinned between his arms.

“What? Tummy bug?” You shake your head, and thoughts swirl, your mind is going insane…

When was the last…

“Satoru…” You say quietly, he cups your face gently, looking down at you. “Don’t freak out okay?”

“Freak out about what!?” He’s freaking out.

“I haven’t…” You flush bright red. “I haven’t had a period since… before the wedding. Like a week before.”

His eyes widen now, and his lips part, as he mentally counts. “That’s… like almost six weeks then?”

“Yeah… and I am never late. I’ve been so busy I didn’t even think.”

“Fuck… I…” He gulps, running a hand through his hair, your mind starts going insane with wild thoughts, what if he wasn’t ready? What if you weren’t?

Were you?

You want this though…

“It may be just late. A tummy bug. But…”

“Nah, wait.” He snatches his phone up off the bathroom counter, calling someone then, you look up in confusion, studying his tense jaw.

“Kiyotaka, I need like every kind of pregnancy test.”

***

You stand there thirty minutes later with ten boxes of tests, and you look at Satoru incredulously, as he’s frantically opening boxes, reading instructions, this way and that. You giggle at him, and he glares.

“You’re adorable.” You kiss his cheek. “We didn’t need all these.”

“Start drinking water brat, you’re about to have to pee on all these.” You burst out laughing, holding your tummy, still sore from getting sick.

“Oh god. All right.” In a few minutes, you’re on the toilet, scowling up at Gojo. “Get out though!”

“Why? We’re married, stuck up little nun. Think I can’t handle you peeing? Now, here.” He hands you the first stick, you sigh, bright red in embarrassment.

“I don’t want to pee on sticks in front of you!”

“Get on it, now. Here.” He is opening the next, and you sigh, awkward as you begin, handing him the first, wrapped up in tissue. Then he hands you another, and you sigh, repeating.

You’ve run out of pee at this point.

But, all ten are set on the counter.

You nervously sit up, washing your hands, and as you stare, Satoru is pacing back and forth, through the bathroom, through the room, his hands on his head. You feel his nervous energy, coming to lean in the doorway, arms crossed around your suddenly chilled body. His eyes are taking on that crazy look, his hair is messy as he brushes it back.

“Satoru… are you… would it upset you if I was?” You manage, gulping, emotion in your eyes, he pauses, then before you know it, you’re pushed against a wall, he’s bending low, gaze boring into you.

“I would be so fucking happy… it’s just that I…”

“Not ready?” You whisper, feeling tears pricking your eyes, he shakes his head, caressing your face.

“No, so fucking ready. But what if I am not good at it?” You feel your heart break for him, then, and you cup his face too, tears hot and sticky down your cheeks.

“Satoru, you’ll be an amazing dad. The funnest, sweetest dad, and you’ll spoil the shit out of em too. I’ll be the strict, bitchy mom here.”

He laughs a bit, and he swipes your tears away with his sure fingers, gaze dropping to your lips. “They’ll ask me for everything won’t they?”

“Oh yes. It’ll be like ‘don’t tell mom’.” He snorts at that, and you both laugh together, until it’s quiet and it’s just your breathing.

“We could be worrying for nothing. But, I promise, I know you’ll be great at it. You’re not your dad, okay?”

“I know. I’m way better looking.” You smile tremulously, hand now on his chest, and you feel it racing.

The timer goes off.

You both jump up.

“Fuck.”

“Fuck.”

You walk into the bathroom, and you take the first stick in your hand, as you see the plus sign, it clatters to the floor. Satoru runs in, and you pick up the next, with two blue lines. The next is digital, and it says pregnant, clear as fucking day. Your heart is racing, and you feel lightheaded.

“What is it? What are all these… what do they…” You show him the one that says pregnant. “Oh shit.”

“Yeah…”

It’s silent for a moment, and then he snatches you up in his arms, kissing you fervently, lips sinking in, yours mold to his, made for them. He has you up in his strong hold, your legs off the floor, your arms around his neck. You’re so fucking happy, it’s unreal, you can’t even begin to imagine your life ahead.

With the love of your life.

And now…

“We need to get you to a doctor!” He says suddenly, sitting you on the counter, next to all the sticks. You giggle.

“We can do that tomorrow.” He puts his hand on your tummy, so warm, looking at it then, as if to see some change.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna be a dad.” Your tears flow again, your heart feels so full it’s like it will burst from your chest.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna be a mom. To a baby Gojo.” You tease, he laughs, bending down and kissing your tummy, still flat, but it shatters your soul.

“You are Mrs. Gojo now, you know.” He kisses it again, lifting up your tank top, exposing your skin. “Gonna get cute little stretch marks.”

“Well that will suck though!”

“Nah, no way. It’ll be cute…” He pecks little kisses, and you run your hands through his hair, moaning softly.

“I love you so much.” He moans, sliding up, hands around your waist.

“I love you so fucking much.” He picks you up, and carries you to the bed then, the sun is shining through the blinds, casting a glow on his pretty face, on his gorgeous shirtless body. Your hands run up and down his muscles, sighing happily, arching up for all his kisses.

“Going to be a mom. Holy fuck.” You murmur, he grins, sliding your shirt up further, kissing up your waist, until he slides it up off your raised arms.

“Your tits are gonna get so huge.”

“Satoru!” You start laughing hard, and he grins against your skin, sucking on your nipples, and you cry out. “Sensitive!”

“Oooh, this will be fun. Torturing you.” He flicks his tongue on one, massaging the other with his hand. You gasp in a mix of pleasure and something else, almost over stimulating, and you’re getting wet between your thighs.

“Mnh! So sensitive…” He goes to lavish the other, plucking your freed nipple with his fingers, you’re wriggling, hips rocking against him, feeling his length through his shorts on your thigh, his hand eases down your tummy, making it tremble, finding you slick to the touch.

“You’re soaked… fuck…” He moans, his rough fingertip catching your clit, you cry out as he flicks in little circles, and he begins kissing down you, to your tummy, sliding down your shorts. “You’re drenched. Beyond soaked.”

“I’m very horny right now.” You tease, he grins, kissing your thigh, sliding his head between them, you brush back his silvery white hair.

“You had the real breeding kink, hmm?” He kisses the hood of your clit, those piercing blue eyes dilated with desire, mirroring your own, he lazily flicks his tongue along you, and you buck up, gasping. “Is she sensitive too?”

“It seems like it…” You feel yourself gushing as he slides a finger in, and he’s moaning against you, bringing you to an orgasm embarassingly fast.

“Fuck you’re hot.” He slides up, and slides your thigh up, kissing down your leg as he’s hot and hard on your entrance, stretching you.

“You’re fucking hot. You’re a whole Daddy now.” He rolls his eyes, pressing in, fully, stretching you, you throb around him, already close again as he slides in, inch by inch.

“I was always a Daddy, little brat.” He shuts your giggle up when he slides back in, and your back arches, as he fills you, the pressure building. His hands entwined with yours, swallowing your tiny ones, and begins to snap his hips, fucking deeper, harder, so much pressure…

“Ah! Satoru… So good…” You manage, crying out, as he grows slicker with each thrust, fucking into you, against your cervix. You’re so close, on the edge, he’s drinking your cries with his lips, his hands now bracing himself, leaning over you.

“Why don’t you call me daddy, hmm?” You laugh, but he again fucks the laugh out of you, it turns into a gasp, a moan, he’s pressing your thighs against your body in a mating press, you wiggle.

“I’m already bred, you know!”

“Mmhmm and your belly will be round soon, might as well do it while we can.” He grins deviously, pressing them all the way against you, balancing on your thighs and railing you. You’re cumming, hard, he’s looking maniacal, his eyes glittering in that way they do.

“Ah!” You manage, then he stops, yanking out, you tremble, slickness sliding out of you, your legs twitching. “Get back in there, the fuck.”

“Nope, say it.” You roll your eyes, shaking your head.

“That’s so cringe, Satoru!”

“Nah, I wanna hear it.” He fingers you now instead, and you whine, wanting more of his cock in you.

“No way.”

“Yes way… say ‘fuck me daddy’.” You’re wriggling under his touch, now he’s playing your clit too, and you think fuck it, you’ll just get off like that, raising your hips up for more, so close… then he stops.

“You’re such a dick, ugh!” You grimace, legs laying down, but he shoves them back up. “That hurts!”

“Say it. Fucking brat.” He murmurs, teasing you with his cock again, sliding it between your folds, against your clit that’s puffy and aching. You hiss at it.

“You’re ridiculous!”

“Mmhmm, and you’re pregnant. By me. By your…”

“No way.”

“Stubborn brat.” He pulls back again, and flips you around, now your ass is in the air, and he whacks it, the smack stinging.

“You’d smack your pregnant wife’s ass?” You demand, and he’s grinning as you turn to look at him.

“Sure the fuck will. Because I’m a…”

“No!”

He scowls now, shoving in you, deep, and you scream, so close when he hits your cervix you almost cum, but he pulls back out after two thrusts, smacking your ass again.

“Aw, poor baby, do you hurt?” He whispers, fucking devious little shit that he is, kissing where he had just smacked the fuck out of you. You wince, it stings so bad it’s throbbing, and it’s all made you wetter.

“Fuck me, please, Satoru. Please.” You beg him, and he just shoves your face into the soft bed, shoving two fingers in again, massaging that little spongy part inside you, making you see stars. “Please!”

“Say it, and you’ll get it.”

“Sadistic little shit! Ow!” He smacks you hard, right against your cunt you feel yourself hurting now, throbbing, cut off orgasm after orgasm.

“You’re hurting youself.” He muses, easing in just a bit, moaning. “Fuck you feel so tight.”

“Good, fuck me then.”

“Ah-ah.” He pulls out again, and now you’re crying in pain, edged ridiculously, he’s laughing when you pull up on your arms, scowling. “ You crying ?”

“Fuck you.”

“I’ll make you feel better when you say it.” You sigh, your cunt is pulsing around nothing, he’s toying with your clit, bringing you to the edge again, just to leave you wanting. It’s torture.

“Fuck…”

“Mmhmm…” His sharp fucking canines glint, gorgeous asshole that he is, and you finally consign.

“Daddy…” You mumble, and he’s shoving in you, hard, you arch your back, and he pulls your hair, wrapping it around his fist, bending your back like a bow, burying his cock deeper. “Fuck! Satoru…”

“Say it again.” He orders, fucking you harder, hitting your cervix, blinding you with how good it feels.

“Daddy…” Why is it not cringe? What’s wrong with you? You peek at him, blinking through the stars, and you see his brows low, eyes lidded, lips parted. “You fucking like it.”

He grins, wrapping an arm around your waist, hand on your tummy, moaning his answer in your ear. “Fucking bred you, didn’t I?”

You nod, eagerly, letting him fuck you, holding on to his neck with one hand, now he’s on his knees and you’re on him too, riding against his thighs.

“You did… can I cum, please?”

“Cum for daddy.” You laugh, breathless, shaking your head, but you are cumming all over his cock, soaking him, lewd squishing noises in your bedroom, making a mess of the freshly cleaned blanket.

“Fucking idiot. I love you.” You feel him hit sharp then, and he goes to rub your clit, you start cumming harder, screaming your pleasure, he bites your neck, pain making you blinded.

“I love you, beautiful little brat.” He murmurs, then he moans, loud, and pauses, just rocking against you, you feel him throb, and know he’s close. “Why don’t you beg for Daddy’s cum?”

“Oh god, Satoru. Come on!” He shoves your thighs down, stopping all your movements, and you try to wriggle but he holds you firm. “Please…”

“Say it.” He nips your ear, and you’re so close again you’re shaking, cunt throbbing around his ever harder cock.

“Fuck… this is… stupid.”

“Do it.” He toys your clit, so sensitive now it hurts, you smack his hand away, but he shoves your own hand on it. “Beg for my cum.”

“Cum in me… please…” He bites you again, not letting you move, you cry out, body pinned, unable to move, cock so deep it hurts. “You’re so… fuck.” You sigh, looking to the side, and he’s grinning like he’s won the lottery.

“Yes?” He urges you on, shoving your fingers on your clit. You hiss.

“Cum in me, Daddy . Please.” You whisper it, feeling stupid, but he loses his mind, and has you flipped back in the mating press, shoving hard in you, you start falling apart, as his rhythm falters, and he’s pressing against you.

“You want all this cum in you, even though you’re bred? Such a slut. A slut for me, aren’t you?” He growls, holding your face as he slams into you, you throw your head back, clutching the blankets, crying out as he slams into you.

“A slut for your cum. For you, Daddy .” You tease with a smirk, but he loses it, and he’s coming, hard, and you fall with him, every inch of you on fire as he cums, hot streams filling you up, as you throb around him. You struggle to breathe, and he eases your thighs down, laying on you, sighing, resting his head on your chest.

“Fuck that was hot.” He murmurs, kissing you, you nip his lower lip with your teeth, smiling up at him.

“Have we unlocked some new kink? You have so many.” You tease, kissing his chin now. He laughs, breathless.

“I told you I’m kinky. Vanilla little brat.” You roll your eyes.

“I am so not Vanilla anymore. Daddy. ” He groans, shoving back in you, still hard somewhat, you cry out. “Fuck you actually like that huh?”

“Apparently I do.” He laughs with you, kissing you over and over, easing out of you. You wince at the loss of him, pussy sore as fuck from all the teasing. “I’m really fucking happy right now.”

“Me too, Satoru.” You gently run a hand along his shoulder, gaze drinking him in, the man that you’re having a baby with. “Will I be a good mom?” You ask, emotion in your throat.

“The best mom ever, you fucking kidding?” He scowls, and you feel tears threaten again.

“I hope so. I want to be the best.” He leans to the side, propping up on an elbow, rubbing your tummy gently.

“Like a Pokemon master?” You giggle, nodding. “I like Digimon better.”

“I know, you have a fuckton of cards. Well I like Pokemon better.”

“You’ll corrupt our kid with shit Pokemon!” You shove at him.

“You’ll corrupt them with shit Digimon!”

“I take it back, terrible mom!”

“Fuck off!” He’s tickling you, and kissing up your neck. “Okay, we will present both types. Deal?”

“Nah fuck that. Digimon.”

“You’re so annoying!” He kisses you, deeply. “Mmm.”

“Despite your shit taste in pocket monsters… you will be the most amazing mom. You’re the most caring person I know.” He grows a little serious, the smile so sweet on his beautiful face, and your heart flutters in your chest.

“Thank you, Satoru. I’m so excited. I’m also nervous… I want it all to go well, you know?” You touch your tummy now.

“It will. I’ll be here through everything.” He kisses your forehead, so sweet, your eyelashes flutter shut.

“Mmm, who do we tell first?” You tease, and he taps his chin.

“Mom. And your brothers. Then we can tell Geto and Shoko, Nanami… when do you want to tell them?”

“Maybe after the doctor?” He nods in agreement, pulling you against him, wrapping you in his arms. “I’m so happy.” He whispers, and you tremble.

“I am too… I can’t wait for this. For a baby Gojo.” He grins, against your lips, as you all kiss again and again.

“You’re gonna be so beautiful, all round and pregnant with my baby.” You giggle, cupping his face.

“I love you, Satoru.”

“You mean Daddy?”

You snort, shaking your head. “No way, only did that so I could cum.”

“You’re still so mean!” He’s back on you, and looks down at you, love mirrored in his eyes, as deep as yours. “I’ll get you to say it again.”

“Silly man.”

“I’ll show you silly.” He’s ready again, insatiable, and you wonder if you can take it, but you always can, you’re always ready for him.

Epilogue II

[sameatsfunions]

Happy day 5 of a steddie Halloween, changing gears a little bit.

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🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

Eddie and steve had been secretly dating for the last year, and Eddie couldn’t be happier. Steve would sleep over most nights at his trailer, Wayne welcomed him with open arms.

Wayne and Eddie have always been close, Eddie told him everything. One night last year, Eddie had come home and Wayne was sitting on the living room couch. Eddie felt like throwing up from the anxiety as he walked past him to his room, dropping his bag and shoes off in the messy place he called home.

He took a deep breath and walked back out, standing in front of Wayne and the coffee table.

He couldn’t look up and meet Wayne’s concerned eyes, the shitty carpet in the trailer now growing more interesting with every passing second. The silence becoming painful and the awkward tension getting worse as Eddie frantically tried to find the words in his head.

Wayne cleared his throat saying a cautious “you alright, Eddie?” Which Eddie nodded in response. He slowly spoke, each word feeling like they weighed a thousand pounds and like they were clawing into his throat begging to stay there, hidden.

“I… I uh- so there is this guy?” He said, almost like a question at the end, immediately mentally scolding himself for the immature start.

“So there’s this guy. His name is Steve. I’m going to bring him over tomorrow.” Eddie said in a rushed voice, taking a deep breath, looking up and attempting to seem confident.

“I think I really like him Wayne…” his eyes locking into Wayne’s as he tried to detect any emotion at all. Wayne stood up and walked over to Eddie, just enveloping him in a warm, long hug. Eddie felt tears in his eyes as he realized that he wasn’t mad. Wasn’t scared. Just wanted Eddie to know he supported him. Wayne wasn’t great with sappy emotional things, this is one of the only times he has hugged Eddie since he moved in with him when his mom died.

“I love ya Eddie, and I’m sure Steve is a great guy. Now I know a lot of people might not agree with ya. So maybe keep it between the three of us for now?” Wayne said stepping back, looking away and wiping his eyes. “I uh- I just want you to know I will support you in anything and whatever you like or decide to do with your life.” Eddie could feel his own eyes starting to water as he nodded again, looking up with a heartfelt smile, and said an exasperated, “thanks Wayne.” He didn’t realize he was holding his breath till now.

“What’re you watching?” Eddie said, making his way to the couch. Trying to break out of the sappy conversation that made them both unsure of how to move forward. He sat down and listened as Wayne told him what it was and they watched together, a peaceful acceptance washing over the space. Eddie smiled as he knew this was a good place for Steve to feel welcome.

Eddie quickly made his way through the aisles picking up a few things Wayne had asked and some Halloween candy for Steve. He thanks the check out lady, giving her a warm smile and saying a cheerful, “happy Halloween!” And rushed to throw the bags in his car.

Steve was waiting for him back at the trailer and Eddie hated being away from him. He drove the agonizingly slow speed limit through town and to the trailer park. When he got home he saw Steve’s BMW in the driveway and Eddie thought for a moment as he pulled the keys out of the ignition. This is a true home. I might not have money, but I sure am rich.

He grabbed the bags out of the passenger seat and hurriedly walked to the door, fumbling with the handle and the screen door as he tried to open it. Which Wayne beat him to it, thanking him and grabbing the bags from his hands. “Alright, thanks Eddie. Steve’s been in your guys room for a minute.” Eddie smiled at him, and started to walk away, turning back as he realized he forgot Steve’s candy.

“Oh hang on. I need to grab something from one of those.” Eddie backtracked to the kitchen where Wayne had set the bags on the counter, taking stuff out to make dinner for the family. Eddie saw the orange and black detailing in the bag and yanked it out, the bag crunching and crinkling as he did.

“You want any?” He asked Wayne who shook his head no and let out a “probably later.”

Eddie walked through the trailer, down the small hallway and into his room, saying a loud, “I’m home with the good stuff!” As he burst through the door, eyes searching for his boyfriend. Who, Eddie assumed, was the lump under the blankets on his bed. He heard a small groan come from the mass, and he laughed, his head falling back as he stepped inside and shut the door. “What’re you doing down there?” He set the candy down as he crawled over trying to find where Steve’s face was so he could give him a big kiss and tell him he missed him.

“Where are you in this mess?” He said as he pulled the blanket revealing Steve’s feet by the pillows. He let out another loud chuckle as he turned to the end of the bed, slowly and carefully pulling the blanket back. Revealing a very slumped and pale looking Steve. Eddie felt his heart drop as he sat up straighter, and the words fell out faster than he could think them. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Steve shook his head no, trying to sit up but failing just giving in to his new life. He let out a mumbled and slurred voice that Eddie tried to debunk, but didn’t have much luck.

Steve peeled his eyes open, making Eddie gasp as he realized they were redder than red.

“What the fuck-“ Eddie quickly turned around and saw the wrapper on the ground that he had blissfully looked past when he came in.

It was the wrapper of a special homemade brownie that Jeff had given him a couple days ago. He felt his heart sink as he realized he may have just drugged his boyfriend.

“Steve….” Eddie said turning around to see a very out of it Steve trying to move in any way. Eddie knew what he was going through. He’s been there himself before. “Okay you need water.” Eddie rushed to the kitchen grabbing a glass of water and some crackers, stopping for just a second to tell Wayne what happened, knowing that some dinner would help sober him up.

He got back into the room ti see Steve standing up, swaying, looking at eddies guitar that was hanging up, giggling to himself.

“Oh god-“ Eddie said as he ran over and set the glass of water down on his small desk, and guided Steve back to the bed, helping him sit down. He passed the water to him and Steve looked at him like he was crazy. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

Eddie sighed and tried to hold back laughter as he said “just try to drink it okay.” Eddie watched as Steve spilled water past his lips on his chin and let out another innocent giggle. He watched as Steve let his head fall foward, lips both in the cup, blowing little bubble into the water as he leaned it forward. “Oh my god - okay-“ Eddie said taking the glass and putting it on the floor away from the bed. “Hey!” Steve said in a whiney voice.

“Give that back I was a fish.” He threw his hands up as he threw himself backwards onto the bed.

Eddie laughed and tried to keep himself contained as he looked over at Steve, mustering up his most easy going, softest voice he could muster.

“Hey Steve?”

Steve looked up from the bed, “yeah?” He said, trying to look at him through nearly closed, glassy eyes.

Eddie continued, “why did you eat that brownie?”

“Because I wanted chocolate and it was right there. And you were taking too long with the candy.” Steve said in a know it all tone, letting this head fall back on the bed again as he finished. Then sitting up again, his voice cracking as he asked “who made them anyways, they’re really good and I think I want more.”

Eddie shook his head and laughed again, “no, no, trust me- you don’t.”

“Why not???” Steve asked with a frown, head falling back again on the bed. “Are you punishing me for eating your treat. That’s fine. Whatever.” Steve said as he rolled off the bed. “Wayne would share with me.” He said as he tried to stand from the floor stumbling as he did.

“Take it easy Steve.“ he said standing up and giving Steve an arm to grab ahold of to help him balance. “That brownie… had pot in it. It was a special brownie.”

Steve turned to look at Eddie, and let out a long “ohhhh.” And giggled to himself as he started for the door, “oops” he giggled again, and gripped the doorknob, twisting it and pulling the door open.

Eddie tried to guide Steve as he stumbled out into the living room, and sat on the couch. “You’d share your brownies with me right Wayne?” He asked looking over through glazed over eyes.

Wayne laughed and nodded, stirring the pot as he did.

“You’re going to be in for a hard morning, Harrington.” Eddie said as he grabbed the remote next to him, turning on the tv for Steve. He quickly grabbed the water from his room and came back sitting down next to him.

If he thought a hang over was bad… he’s going to love this.

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🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hey, steph! how are you, like, genuinely? not the small talk. i wanna listen

Hey Lovely 💜🖤

I want to apologize for putting this off for so long... which should be a clue as to how I am actually doing.

Honestly? Not good, but I'm trying my best. It's been... a time. Will put under a cut for those who don't want to read about the tagged items.

TL;DR – my real life is a bit chaotic, and I hide a lot from y'all because I REALLY try not to be negative here since my blog is where I come to be happy AND because I am a very private person, but I try my best to just keep going day to day as the chaos settles down slowly.

I've got some good things coming though, so I hope a week's rest next week when I'm off (and will probably take a break from here too) will reset my brain.

Work has been insane, and is most of the cause of my mental distress for the past few months. From Easter until Canada Day Weekend at my job is lovingly referred to as "Silly Season" simply because of how on-the-fly, balls-to-the-wall our workload is until summertime downtime officially begins for us. Without disclosing too much, it's basically non-stop, long hours for me until one of the 3 break weeks we get during the this long stretch happens where, incidentally because of the nature of my job and the team I work on, it actually gets BUSIER for us.

It actually ended earlier than we expected this year (yesterday) and we'll be "quieter" until the end of September now. See an opportunity, I actually took next week off between the two long weekends because my mental health has taken a severe hit and I'm having trouble just... enjoying things? I'm haven't gamed or drew in a few weeks, and blogging and writing feels like a chore. I literally just come home, file this blog, reply to one or two asks, and then go to bed, and do it all over again the next day. Day in and day out, for 3 months. On weekends I have to force myself out of my apartment because I KNOW I will sink lower if I don't leave.

On top of that, my brain has convinced me that literally everyone hates me: friends, coworkers, family, you guys, my damned plants. I just feel very alone these days and... I'll be real here, I've almost abandoned this blog a few times in the past few months. I feel like I make fic lists that no one reblogs or likes and tell me they're all shit. I post my art and I barely break 20 notes. I write something and I get maybe 2 likes. I can't really answer any thoughtful asks because my mental state's been in the shitter for months. I desperately want to reply to the few sexuality asks I have and I physically can't. Being on my computer – after working ON a computer for my day job for 12 hour days everyday – feels like too much, so I try to limit my time on the blog now too.

I just try to keep carrying on, encouraged by the once-in-a-blue-moon testimonial ask I get thanking me for still being here. I thank YOU guys for reminding me that people still like coming here.

Stressed about money and food and rent just like everyone else, and just getting frustrated at other things.

And finally, my uncle (my dad's brother and my godfather) hasn't been doing well health-wise, and he's being moved to assisted living next week. His health has been declining since Easter, so it's been a bit of worrying time for relatives.

Having my therapist helps a lot. She talks me through a lot of my complicated feelings, my sense of self and ways to cope with my anxiety and stress. I'm talking to her again next week, so no worries, gang. As I said, I just keep on keeping on.

Some positivity though:

I booked next week off to try to just... recenter myself. To forget about everything and TRY to get back to doing the things I love. I will probably take a break from this blog as well during that time to limit my social-media time. It's not ideal but I need a break from my computer, I think.

I go to the gym a lot more these days, which has helped with the seething annoyance I constantly have at work. Usually feel better after it.

And because of the gym and getting out more, I've been slowly feeling better physically, better than I have since before 2019. The break from work is for the mental health, LOL.

I'm getting my hair recoloured next week. Can't afford it, really, but I just REALLY need to feel better about myself again, and I always feel so different when I colour my hair. I was doing so good for awhile. I want that again.

Anyway, I'm sorry to bombard y'all with my complicated mess of a brain. I really do appreciate you asking, so THANK YOU. I rarely get asked in real life if I am okay because I keep very private due to past people betraying my trust. And I don't like seeing people unhappy, so I feel if I tell people about my problems, then I feel I am a burden, so I just... continue existing.

Thank you for letting me be a burden just this once.

[tinydefector]

The Rung transfluid headcanon 😵‍💫 I already drink those daily 🤭

Could I offer up Sunder as being the new Monster Ultra flavor: Fantasy Ruby Red?

Oh the amount of headcannons I have over the transfluid atm is insane. I'm working on a Swerve fic for it atm. I wasn't actually expecting ,y silly shit post to get so much traction over the bots XD

So where I am in Australia energy drinks are limited in what you can find and today I'm in one of the cities so gonna see what lovelies I can find.

I had to go look up that monster and kinda went down a rabbit hole for Sunder and Rung

--------

Firstly. Rung

The first time Rung gets oral from you, it's just to blow off steam after a day, which just didn't turn out well. Man gets put through the ringer a lot with watching everyone else's mental health that sometimes he forgets to look after himself.

He's lent back in his chair venting softly one servo on the back of your head optics half lidded as he just watches, after all you had offered to help with stress relief after hearing a rumour from another human on board.

Rung is extremely high strung, so when your lips and fingers rotate between teasing his spike and pressing your face into his valve, he begins to figure something up.

It's only once he overloads and he's there optics closed debating getting up to clean up that he can still feel you eagerly cleaning up the mess.

And he just gets fixated on watching as you lick up his spike, transfluid covering your tongue and lips

He thinks its a one time thing until two days later he has you back between his thighs working him up for another overload and when he pulls you away because he doesn't want to make a mess and the protest you put up. Begging to taste him again

It is eventually a subject he takes to not just the medics but also the scientist, quite worried about the effects of it since Transfluid is. A by product of Energon. He learns that.

___

-no it isn't harmful to humans the same way energon is.

- aslong as you can limit your human on how much they consume as it can eventually give them energy sickness if they have to much 5-6 litres in a 24 time stamp

-the human body needs time to flush it out. Because it works very much the same as energy drinks if you have to much it can stop your heart or give you cardiac problems

-it's quite additive and companionable to human caffeinated drinks, and when the bots realise that there us a full meeting about the effects.

- energon seems to get converted into a very similar thing to taurine which is an amino acid containing sulphur but alot of the minerals and nutrients that Cybertronians live off from their treats, food sources and energon what adds in all the other things.

-Perceptor and ratchet discovered that Transfluid is better for human consumption than energy drinks not by a lot but more the fact you can consume more of it with less problems.

- and each bot seemed to have different 'flavours' and it becomes a full thing of asking their partner what they taste like. And eventually the 'flavour mods'

________________

And on the Case of Sunder I present to you these monsters as an offering as well.

So we have

Sunder : rehab strawberry lemonade/Ultra ruby red

Overload : rehab recovery watermelon

Senator shockwave: rehab green tea

Elita one: rehab pink lemonade

Chromia: rehab protean

Wheejack: rehab tea + lemonade

Wings : rehab gojo tea

Let me know if you would like to be added to tag list (tagged for every fic)

[stilljuststardust]

Hi! I’ve been working with the loa for just a few days now, I’m very new to it. But ur blog has helped me a lot to figure stuff out!!! Thank you for making ur posts so accessible and easy to follow!!!

I’ve been trying to shift for a few years now, went through all the shifttok nonsense. It’s. Been a frustrating journey. But I feel like I’m on the right track with loa. I was wondering, with using the loa, saying affirmations before bed, telling myself I am in my dr, what do I say if I wake up here? Currently I’ve just been telling myself “it’s fine I did shift because I exist in my dr always” but, idk, I’m not sure how to not feel like I failed while still affirming that I haven’t.

Another thing I feel a bit stuck on, is focusing entirely on the 4d while shifting. I’m plenty good at imagining vivid scenarios. Other senses I’m okay at for the most part. But how do I bridge the gap of “I’m imagining this happening right now” and “this is really happening in my reality” I feel like it’s a mix of still feeling the 3d which I’m trying to acknowledge will be the last thing to change. While also it being the fact that I’ve been imagining scenarios in my head for years. I’m finding it difficult to tell myself “this is real become aware of it” when I’m used to just daydreaming. If that makes sense?

Anyways, thank you for all u do on ur blog, you’re really helpful!!!

✧Hello love!

You don't need to acknowledge the 3D. You don't need to do anything with it. It is dependent on you to stay the way that it is. I can't stress this enough it just isn't a factor. It's not that you have to find a way to remove it you just have to know it's not part of the equation at all.

The way to close the gap is to realize that there is no gap. It'll be enough when you let it be enough. I know that's the hard part. It's hard to just let it be because part of you is worried that it's not enough and is in search of something "better".

Visualize from the perspective of your DRself. Not just in the literal sense of the visual POV but as in you interact with the visualization as if you are your DRself. This is where I am, this is what I think about where I am, etc. You're trying to put yourself there mentally by thinking as if you are already there.

For me the difference between a daydream and a visualization is a day dream is detached in a way, like a scene I'm replaying, a visualization is putting myself there. Like one of those moments where the world is still and you just look at it. Then again I'm more of a robotic affirmation person myself so take what resonates with you.

If that is hard then affirm over and over "this is real, I'm in my DR" or something else like that. Repetition is a powerful tool for changing how you think.

Don't twist yourself into knots over belief. It may feel weird at first but that doesn't matter what matters is that you stick with the weird instead of entering your old mental state.

It's ok if you had an emotional reaction, it's ok if your heart dropped a little, just stick with the new story mentally. Your emotions won't stop you. It's ok to feel them. Your subconscious will take you at your word so only tell it what you want.

All that being said I think I know the perfect method for you if you're good at day dreams! The distraction method is a method where you get yourself into the alpha state, and the daydream. That's all. Click the link if you want to know more.

✧More links

My post on "ignoring" the 3D

You only have one limiting belief.

Senses shift last. I've said this in like 3 different posts so I don't know if this is the one you're coming from, so I thought I'd link it anyway.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for watching a movie as a family without including my dad? Writing it out, I think I know the answer, but this has still been bugging me.

Around Thanksgiving I (30s) visited home. It was also a trip to see for my mom (late 60s) for her birthday, so I was there for a few days longer than a Thanksgiving trip would normally account for. My brother (30s) and his wife (30s) visited for her birthday too. My dad (early 70s) was there as well. They've been married over 30 years. Originally I'd planned to take everybody out to see a movie as a birthday present for my mom...but it turned out there was literally nothing at the theater that my mom was interested in at all. The town is pretty small, and the options were limited. So instead, we started out with a nice dinner, and family board game run-through of a trivia game we all thought we'd have some fun with. My mom ended up winning, which is rare and was not deliberate, and it wrapped the game up way faster than we'd anticipated.

My dad immediately went back into the living room after the game ended, openly a little annoyed that mom had won a trivia game based on something he considers himself the family expert in. He watches old reruns of the show he's seen a million times on a loop every day, and it can be pulling teeth to get him to do anything else. It was just a fluke, but something the rest of us considered a pleasant surprise since none of us had expected she'd win. But he was annoyed. Given that it was still early, Mom suggested we find a movie to watch online, so we could all wind down before bed with something the whole family could enjoy.

Dad said no. Now this feels like important context: I...have a lot of problems with my dad. I love him, but he can be extremely emotionally immature. Downright verbally abusive at times. And very petty. I'm in therapy in no small part due to some of the insecurities he instilled in me over the years. I've worked hard to set basic boundaries with him. He also has multiple medical issues, and I'm pretty sure he has untreated depression and other mental health problems he refuses to acknowledge that contribute to him flying off the handle at a moment's notice. That, combined with the fact that my mom will 100% never, ever leave him, because she was raised in a very specific mindset that she's never been fully able to shake...means my brother and I usually have to grit our teeth when he starts ranting/yelling/complaining during a visit, or we'd just end up ruining the day for our mom. She's done so much for us, and we just wanted her to have a good visit. So, that's what I did for most of the trip. I breathed deep when my dad openly mocked my stutter, and refused to get in a fight about it. I stopped myself from getting visibly upset when he tried to feed my cat table scraps even when I told him the cat needs a special diet. On other days I tried to watch his old shows with him, and ignored the sexist comments he'd make about the female leads, all for the sake of keeping the peace.

But, it was Mom's birthday. And she wanted to watch a movie.

And Dad said no.

He refused to give up his marathon of old westerns from 60 years ago to watch a new movie with his family on the big tv in the living room.

My mom seemed disappointed, so I suggested we watch one on my laptop in the kitchen instead. Without my dad, if he really wanted to watch his show instead. She agreed, and my brother, his wife, my mom and I filed into the kitchen, sat in less-than-comfy chairs, and watched a fantasy heist film that I'd thought they would all enjoy. And they did. My brother was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the movie (I'd already vouched for it being good, none of the others had seen it previously) His wife kept making notes for her dnd campaign. My mom found it hilarious, and liked that some actors from another show she liked were in it.

My dad stayed in the living room, watching his marathon.

Partway through the movie, he came in and asked us what we were watching. We told him, and he passed through the kitchen for something he needed, then said that we were being too loud. More context: the kitchen is right next to the living room, but my dad turns the tv up so loud in there it can get physically painful to be in the room with him. He refuses to get hearing aides, and only recently relented on subtitles. He also has a habit of screaming at anyone who tries to talk for a long time when his shows are on and they're in earshot, even if they're in a different room. We thought he couldn't hear it over his tv, and so when he said something we said sorry and that we'd try to keep it down, but we could already barely hear it through the laptop speakers. We already had subtitles turned on to make sure we didn't miss anything. When we told him that, he got even more annoyed. He asked how we'd like it if he turned the tv up so loud we couldn't understand anything, then proceeded to go into the living room and do just that, just as I was trying to figure out how much more we could lower the volume without losing our whole experience. We called in that we were already turning it down, and he finally turned his volume back down as well. We finished our movie, turning the volume down during action scenes and up during speaking scenes so we could actually hear the dialog. We enjoyed the rest of the film, and then people started getting ready for bed, and my mom went to check on my dad. She told me a few minutes later that he was hurt that we'd watched the movie without him. That he felt left out. I told her that he'd had multiple opportunities to join us, and that is was his choice not to watch with us. And honestly, the fact that he wouldn't give up the real tv for a couple hours so she could have a birthday movie was really upsetting to me.

She still seemed to feel bad that he was left out, and I'm a little worried that he might've sulked for days afterwards, leaving my mom in an even more stressful environment after I left. Am I the asshole for insisting my mom get to watch a movie on her birthday? And would I be the asshole if I told my dad off for what I consider to be extremely selfish behavior?

Also before anyone asks, no, I'm not cutting him off. It's literally impossible to do that without pretty much cutting off my mom as well, and she absolutely doesn't deserve that. And yes, I've offered up my apartment as a place she can stay if she ever needs to. Repeatedly. She hasn't taken me up on it yet.

What are these acronyms?

[windvexer]

This is in reply to a very long ask, which I would prefer to summarize.

As a young child, Anon and their mother left an abusive situation and moved into a new house.

When they moved, Anon began suffering from severe violent and grotesque intrusive thoughts even though they were a young child with no prior exposure to these things.

In order to cope, Anon shut out these thoughts as much as possible.

When Anon moved out of the house, these intrusive thoughts stopped and never returned.

Now, some years later and coming from a more stable place, Anon believes that these intrusive thoughts had a supernatural source. Not from a haunting spirit, but from the home itself.

Anon finishes the ask with: "So I think shutting out spiritual energy has become so deeply ingrained in me that I just can't get a proper practice going. Aside from getting good at warding to fill that role, I was hoping you had some advice on breaking down that barrier a bit?"

Anon, I hope I've correctly summarized your ask. I'm looking at it now on the other half of the screen to respond to what you wrote.

I am not going to comment on mental health issues. As you've said yourself, this is something you've worked through and doubtless you are very aware of the mental and emotional impact such a life transition could have on a young child.

Since I'm not qualified to speak on mental health or self therapy, let's move forward with the assumption that you did experience something supernatural - that something about the house, or within the house, was causing those thoughts.

It's my experience that the scariness of a supernatural event is often unrelated to how "powerful" that event was.

Many people who experience overwhelming negative spiritual contact tend to set out with the point of view that because these events affected them so strongly, that the event must have been caused by a very powerful force.

When I was in my first apartment, there were old hard water stains in the toilet bowl. My room mate scrubbed and scrubbed all day with zero progress, and declared the bowl to be permanently stained.

I went in and dumped some toilet bowl cleaner in, and the stains came out in about five minutes.

Despite all the work, my room mate had failed to use the necessary cleanser to actually resolve the problem.

It's just the same thing with unwanted spiritual contact. People use the wrong tools for the job, and declare the situation hopeless.

But more likely than not, the people who tell me they are struggling with debilitating spiritual symptoms have never tried any act of magic to resolve them, at all.

And more likely than not, the very first ward they try will resolve it.

Supernatural problems may be very difficult to resolve through mundane means, but they tend to be easy to resolve with supernatural means.

In my experience, a vast majority of people experiencing overwhelming spiritual contact can resolve the problem with basic warding.

I know that you're not in that old house any more, but I want to emphasize that dealing with these sorts of problems is really not as difficult as most people think.

You shouldn't set yourself up to think that it will take months of study to craft a serviceable ward, or banishment, or cleansing. Doubtless you could do all of them right now, if you had a decent recipe book in front of you.

I believe you could probably do this even if it was the first spell you had ever cast.

My first piece of advice is to ward pretty well. If you do not want to deal with surprise spirits popping up, I would recommend a pretty heavy-handed ward that limits most spiritual ingress.

This isn't because lots of spirits are guaranteed to appear, although in my experience it can happen to new practitioners. It's just about creating a safe space where you feel confident exploring the things around you.

A personal protection, such as a protective amulet, is also very helpful. For people really worried about spiritual protections, I recommend two; an "everyday use" amulet, and a very "heavy" protection likened to a suit of armor.

Protections need to be maintained. If you want to be a witch, learning how to monitor, feed, and manage ongoing protections is an important skill for beginners. Working with wards is an excellent way to learn this.

You should learn one method of cleansing and one method of banishing. These can both be more mild, "everyday use" sorts of spells. By this I mean you don't have to go nuclear - again, even very mild magical action goes a long way towards resolving supernatural problems.

I recommend this because it is very helpful as a witch to learn that you can control your environment, and start unlearning helplessness towards the vibes.

Many people who have an affinity towards the supernatural become helpless towards the dreary and damaging fogbanks of deleterious energy that settle around people and places. They become helpless because they don't know how to resolve it; it's just there, and it's something they experience, and that's that.

But you don't need to do that, because you have the tools to correct it.

Begin practicing, as often as you have an opportunity to do so, the art of adjusting the vibes. Teach yourself how to cleanse and revitalize spaces so that it's enjoyable to let your guard down and soak up what's around you.

Unlearn any internalization: "ugh, every time I'm in this room I feel terrible, even though I shouldn't. I don't know what's wrong with me." Begin pushing back. Fix spaces. Protect against unsavory people whom you can't avoid.

This undertaking, by and large, will teach you plenty of magic.

You should consider getting reacquainted with your spiritual senses through energy work, not through contacting gods or spirits.

This really eliminates the worry about contacting "something out there," and lets you focus on just playing about with some energies.

It can be danged useful, too. Learning how to shield - even something as ubiquitous and basic as a sphere of white light - can be significantly helpful towards blocking out unwanted supernatural contact.

Try warding your space for peace of mind, and then practicing some of the common energy work exercises: energy balls, grounding roots, cycling energy through the body and earth, breathing energy in and out, raising shields, channeling energy into objects, centering/reclaiming energy, and so on.

If you'd like to work with spirits, try talking to a tree that gives you really good vibes. Trees are often - but not always - remarkably friendly, especially domesticated trees in urban or suburban areas. They also tend to be more talkative than rocks.

You don't need to leave offerings or set up a contact schedule or anything. But if you feel that you're prepared to start reaching beyond yourself, a tree is a decent guy to start talking to.

Magically speaking, some people really have tapped down their own psychism and connections so much, that it becomes an actual blockage.

If you're trying to do magical or psychic work and you can't shake a weird feeling that something is actually in the way, like a boulder blocking the path, then this is of course a magical boulder and should be addressed through magical means.

You can try three things:

The first is personal cleansing of any sort, but especially done with a focus to remove magical blockages and barriers. Be aware that this may need to be done multiple times over a period of weeks, or longer, to take effect. If multiple cleansings are necessary, this is preferable over intense "lightning strike" cleansings that can rip things open.

The second is to give yourself permission. In your original ask you mention being familiar with shadow work, and so perhaps you are familiar with the idea of granting yourself permission or authority to engage in things, which deep down you are nervous of doing.

The third is to build a shrine that honors your own psychism and your own connections. Almost imagine that you are building a shrine to a lost god, forgotten for so long that he's turned to ash and dust. Burn candles, light incense, and give offerings to your own ability to connect. Lovingly tend to it, and treat it as a wayward spirit who now needs to be called home, nurtured, and restored to its rightful throne.

[tgmsunmontue]

850 word ficlet for the topgunalternativeuniverse Bingo which I realised I should start ticking off so I can hopefully achieve at least one Bingo... Also for @thyknife for doing their editing!

Hangster - for the squares Stripper and Handyman. Teen+

Not here for you. Maybe next time?

                Long denim-clad legs, tight white t-shirt, low-slung leather tool belt with actual authentic looking tools. He definitely looks the part, he can see muscles in all the right places and even if the stripper isn’t booked for him he’s definitely going to appreciate the show. Part of Bradley is impressed, except for the fact that the guy has the day and time completely wrong. Or maybe the guy has the wrong house.

                “Uh, hey man. I think you have the wrong house.”

                “Three-forty-one Riverview Terrace?”

                “Uh. Yeah. That’s us, but we didn’t…” order a stripper he wants to say, except they did, but not for tonight. “Did you get the date right?”

                Now the guy is looking confused.

                “Uh. Usually when people call me they want me over as quickly as possible.”

                “Really?” Bradley asks, because he didn’t realize that emergency strippers were a thing.

                “Yeah, really. I had someone named Natasha call me? And as pretty as you are, I don’t think you’re Natasha.”

                “Uh. I thought Callie booked the stripper.”

                “A stripper? I am not here to take my clothes off…” the guy says, but he does sweep his eyes down Bradley’s body like he’s mentally undressing him and Bradley is pretty sure he’s blushing. “Not this time, anyway.”

                Before Bradley has time to reply Natasha is behind him, pushing him to the side and Bradley just stands there, gaping a little because the very hot stripper just made a pass at him. Maybe.

                “Oh! Are you Jake?” Natasha asks, and Bradley realizes then that he’s probably made a severe error of judgement, and it is mortifying on several levels.

                “Yes ma’am.”

                “Great! Can you come through and take a look?”

                “Of course,” the guys says, shooting Bradley an amused look. He wants the ground to open up and swallow him. Knowing that isn’t going to happen he needs to go and hide; why the hell hadn’t Natasha warned him? Also what had needed someone else’s help with, usually he handles all the odd jobs around the house, he’s a carpenter, he knows how to fucking fix things. He loiters within ear shot to find out that the two-phase oven they have in the kitchen, which apparently has two fuses, has somehow tripped something else and okay, if it’s wires and electricity then he isn’t touching it. He can stop feeling bad about her calling in a professional for that at least.

                The guy is making small talk, and his ears prick up at hearing his name.

                “Oh no, Bradley can’t do wiring. He knows his own limitations at least.”

                “Good thing to have in a boyfriend, some guys are too egotistical to admit when they don’t know.”

                “Not my boyfriend, or anything else other than my best friend. And you’re as subtle as pink pantsuit at a white party”

                “Wasn’t trying to be subtle. And it’s all fixed by the way. You can get back to toasting your tater tots.”

                “That was fast.”

                “Well, I’m good at my job. You have anything else that needs looking at? You’ve got me for the minimum hour callout…”

                “I wouldn’t know, but Bradley will. One second.”

                Then she’s right there, eyes alight with mirth and laughing silently, because she obviously heard him before she interrupted and he could kill her.  He tries, with his eyes, right then and there, but it only makes her laugh more, and if it continues she’s going to start snorting, which is going to be another level of humiliation. Who needs enemies when you can have friends that laugh at your pain like this?

                “Anything you need help with?” Natasha asks, and Bradley shoves her. He’s annoyed, because there actually is something, and he steps past her, heads into the kitchen where Jake is waiting, and yeah, he still looks like a fucking stripper, but now that he’s looking properly he can see the multimeter, tester, wire strippers all hanging off the leather apron tool belt.

                “Hey man, uh, sorry about before. I’ve got a live switch to outside that needs to be made dead.”

                “Sure thing, lead the way.”

                Bradley leads him to outside to where the pump to the outdoor fountain is, the pump itself long gone, wires just loose and tucked back into the concrete plinth of the now defunct base. He gestures at it, can immediately appreciate that Jake is reviewing the scene, poking around a bit before he gets to work. He tests the wires and socket, then pops the switch cover off, then he’s unscrewing things and cutting things; jogging to his van, muttering about a torch and Bradley just watches. Then he’s slipping a sheath over wires and using a blowtorch to make it shrink to cover the wires.

                “So, interesting fact for you. I was a stripper when I was younger. Good money. Electricians generally have better working hours though.”

                “God, I’m sorry,” Bradley says. “I didn’t mean any disrespect…”

                “Well, that’s okay. If no disrespect was meant. Anyway. Here’s my card. If you’re ever looking for a private show… Call me.”

                “Okay, I will.”

[astroyongie]

What are you choosing ?

Note: hey everyone! This is  little something that I have constructed in a way for you to see if you really know yourself but also as a way to heal and understand your inner desires and needs. This is a part of what we call shadow working, hopefully it will help. you are free to do this quietly, or if you want to share with me, feel free to do so <3

How it works?: please choose one option between the two and try to argument within yourself why you chose that 

This or that ?

Question 1

an apology from your father 

a hug from your mother

Question 2

being loved

being able to love

Question 3

your father choosing family over work

holding your childhood pet one last time 

Question 4

a good night kiss

your hair getting brushed and braided

Question 5

the ability to forgive yourself 

finally being heard and understood in your family 

Question 6

“i am proud of you” from your mother

“i love you” from your father

Question 7

reading you favorite childhood book for the first time

a letter from that one friend you one day never heard from again

Question 8

crying in your mother’s arms 

yelling at her all the things you were too afraid to speak out loud

Question 9

not feeling constantly lonely

 not feeling constantly misunderstood

now please choose one number between 1-6. pick the one that you are currently feeling most attracted to. and read your message: 

1- Yeshe Tsogyal: you will be able to overcome all of the obstacles you are currently facing. allow your spiritual guides to guide you through this and trust the process, the path that you are in. surround yourself with the people you know bring you only light into your life, allow yourself to trust them more and to trust yourself as well. by working on your spiritual side you will be able to overcome your shadow self.

2- Yogoni: Of course there’s a lot of changes happening in your life at the moment, but keep in mind that sometimes a door will close in order for another to be opened. trust your path and tell yourself if thighs aren't meant to be because life is trying to limit the pains in your life. stay faithful to yourself and your healing oath, as long as you stay authentic to yourself, you will be able to overcome things 

3- Terra Mater: your mental and spiritual path does not unfold like most people, it is taking a different way but you need to trust the process, as your spiritual guides love you unconditionally and they will help you find peace of mind. follow the new ideas and accept the changement that is happening in your life. your manifestation is strong, use it wisely. you know that goal you have? grasp it. Even if people say that it's stupid and impossible for you to have it, don't let it go and fight for your desires.

4- Beatitude: don't be afraid to show the true you. The only way to heal your inner conflicts and the pain is by accepting and loving who you are. even when things seem so hard to reach, keep walking down the rightful path and trust life. all the difficulties are going to bring you to wisdom and the right path.  

5- Biche: You are only a child that has been hurt. I am so sorry that you had to go through this hard thing. but your energy is able to overcome all of this negativity. you don't need to become something that you are not, your spiritual light is already warm and soft. keep yourself true to your inner core and things will become easier 

6- Volva: your spiritual power can heal your dark self way better than what you think. It's time for you to travel through the spiritual world and engage yourself more. don't try to control what is happening and allow it to unfold before you. instead work on something tangible, on something that will help you healing from all the pain you have suffered