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bloomzone · 3 months ago

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can u please make a how to improve urself ^^ also I love ur acc so much and u bring me so much peace at mind ^^

Thank you so much for appreciating my account! Your support truly means a lot to me, and I’m so glad my content brings you peace >⁠.⁠<. so first Self-improvement doesn’t have to be overwhelming. No pressure just small thoughtful steps. You don’t have to change everything at once ofc Take your time and choose one category each month to work on. Remember, it’s all about progress, not perfection. You’re on your own journey and every little step counts. And u can create other categories that align with ur needs !

before we start here's 5 questions to ask urself before starting this journey

1. Why do I want to improve myself?

What is my true motivation for making a change?

2. What areas of my life do I want to focus on?

Which specific aspects of my life do I want to improve first?

3. What are my strengths, and how can I use them?

How can I leverage my strengths to make this journey easier?

4. What are my current obstacles or limiting beliefs?

What challenges or beliefs might be holding me back from improvement?

5. Am I ready to be patient and consistent?

Am I prepared to stay consistent and trust the process, even when it's hard?

1. Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is about controlling your emotions and responding to situations in a calm, rational way, even when you’re stressed or angry.

How to improve:

Identify triggers: Start by recognizing what sets off your emotional responses. Is it a person, a situation, or something in your environment?

Pause before reacting: When you feel your emotions rising, take a deep breath or count to 10 before reacting.

Practice mindfulness: Engage in regular mindfulness activities like meditation or deep breathing exercises to help you stay present and manage emotions.

Express emotions healthily: Instead of bottling up feelings, learn how to express them through journaling or talking to someone you trust.

2. Building Consistency

Consistency is key to turning any habit into something sustainable. Whether it’s exercise, work, or personal development, consistency helps you progress.

How to improve:

Start small: Begin with manageable goals. For example, if you’re trying to work out, aim for just 10-15 minutes a day.

Create routines: Build habits by attaching them to something you already do. For example after brushing ur teeth do a quick stretch ect ..

Track progress: Use a habit tracker or journal to monitor your consistency and reward yourself for sticking with it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself: If you miss a day or slip up, don’t give up entirely. Get back on track the next day without guilt.you will be disciplined

3. Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to understand your thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and how they affect others. It’s essential for personal growth and development.

How to improve:

Daily reflection: Spend 5 minutes each day thinking about how you felt and acted. What went well? What could you improve?

Ask for feedback: Don’t be afraid to ask close friends or family how they perceive you, and listen to their feedback with an open mind.

Practice mindfulness: Regularly engage in activities that help you stay present, like meditation or journaling. This helps you observe your thoughts without judgment.

Notice patterns: Pay attention to recurring thoughts or behaviors that might need to change. Are you always reacting negatively in certain situations? What triggers it? It's soooo normal !

4. Setting Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is about knowing when to say no and protecting your energy they are essential to maintaining your mental health and relationships.

How to improve:

Identify your limits: Think about situations or behaviors that drain you emotionally or physically. These are your boundaries.

Communicate clearly: When you feel your boundaries are being crossed, calmly assert yourself. You don’t have to be rude, just firm and clear.

Learn to say no: Saying no isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for your well-being. Practice politely declining things that don’t serve your best interests.

Protect your time: Be mindful of how you spend your time. If something or someone consistently takes more than they give, it’s okay to step back.

5. Productivity Without Burnout

Being productive doesn’t mean being busy all the time. It’s about working smarter, not harder, and allowing yourself rest to avoid burnout.

How to improve:

Prioritize your tasks: Use the Eisenhower Matrix (urgent vs. important) to decide which tasks need your attention now and which can wait.

Break tasks into chunks: Divide big tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. This makes them feel less overwhelming and easier to tackle.

Take breaks: Use techniques like the Pomodoro Technique—work for 25 minutes, then take a 5-minute break. It helps keep your mind fresh.

Don’t multitask: Focus on one task at a time for better efficiency and mental clarity.

6. Self-Care & Rest

Self-care is essential for maintaining both mental and physical health it’s about honoring your body and mind’s need for rest and nourishment.

How to improve:

Sleep: Aim for 7 to 9 hours of sleep every night. Sleep is critical for physical health, mental clarity, and emotional balance. (It's not easy to have a full 8h or 9h of sleep but at least u need to wake up next day feeling good !)

Take mental health days: Don’t hesitate to take a break when you need it. Mental rest is just as important as physical rest to also avoid burnout

Nourish your body: Eat balanced meals with whole foods. Drink plenty of water to stay hydrated. Your body will thank you for it. Cuz drinking water help to avoid headaches

Have fun: Engage in activities you love, whether it’s reading, cooking, painting, or just relaxing with a good movie...

7. Improving Social Skills

Good social skills can help you build relationships, collaborate, and feel more connected. Being social doesn’t mean u HAVE to be extravored but it means knowing how to connect with others.

How to improve:

Active listening: Practice listening more than you speak. Show interest in what others say by making eye contact, nodding, and responding thoughtfully.

Be genuinely curious: Ask open-ended questions that encourage conversation. Show a genuine interest in others' experiences and perspectives.

Be authentic: Don’t try to fit into a mold. Let people see the real you and be honest about your thoughts and feelings.

Practice empathy: Put yourself in others’ shoes. Understand their emotions and reactions to build stronger connections.

8. Resilience

Resilience is your ability to bounce back from challenges, disappointments, or failures. It’s not about avoiding hardship, but about navigating through it with strength and grace.

How to improve:

Change your perspective: Instead of seeing challenges as obstacles, view them as opportunities for growth. What can you learn from this?

Develop a support system: Surround yourself with supportive people who encourage you during tough times.

Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself when things go wrong. Understand that setbacks are a natural part of the journey.

Keep going, no matter what: Sometimes, the best thing you can do is keep moving forward, even if it’s just one small step at a time.

9. Time Management & Planning

Time management it’s being intentional with how you use your time and energy.

How to improve:

Use a planner or digital tool: Write down your tasks, appointments, and goals for the week. This will help you stay organized and on track.

Set specific, realistic goals: Don’t overestimate what you can do. Be realistic about what can be achieved within a day or week.

Eliminate distractions: Find ways to stay focused by limiting distractions—turn off notifications, create a quiet workspace, or use website blockers.

Evaluate your progress: At the end of each week, review what you’ve accomplished and adjust your schedule accordingly it will keep u motivated

10. Financial Management (Simple Basics)

You don’t need to be an expert to improve your financial habits. It’s about getting into the practice of managing your money wisely.

How to improve:

Track your spending: Write down where your money goes each month. Understanding your spending habits is the first step to managing your finances.

Set a budget: Allocate a certain amount for savings, bills, and personal expenses each month. Stick to it.

Save a little at a time: Even if you can only save a small amount, start. Create a savings habit so that it becomes second nature.

Avoid impulse purchases: Before buying something, ask yourself if it’s necessary. Give yourself time to think before making a purchase.

this glow up list can also help u !! [click here]

@bloomzone

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solifloris · 4 months ago

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on "voyage of the outcast";

a psychological analysis with a look into identity, feelings of inferiority, and the glorification of self-sacrifice.

LONG OVERDUE, THIS TOOK FOREVER ?? mentally im not over his story branch and i think about it OFTEN and i have a LOT OF THOUGHTS.......... this'll actually focus less on the story branch (and the potential parallels) itself, but more on what, personally, i think could be the implications!!! 🥰

warnings :: spoilers, +this is quite long! 😭

i'll preface this by saying that . confession time!!!!!! i didn't expect a lot out of this because mostly because i was initially pretty worried about how they would connect the last time we saw xavier (at philo) with the current point in the story, especially given that we ended on a point of a cliffhanger and xavier's and mc's relationship had not developed anywhere near close at that point. but i'm actually pretty impressed with how the writers handled xavier's branch... and i'm more than grateful that infold didn't fuck it up as much as i thought they would 😭

with that said...

HOLY SHIT DID THEY GO HAM WITH THIS 😭😭

and parallels and references aside, i really am quite happy that they perpetuated something i've been waiting to look into more in-depth for a while—because i feel that in these chapters, we get to see a lot of how xavier's upbringing has really shaped the way that he carries himself. sure, we've already seen it quite a bit in his limited cards, but seeing it in the main story hits more, especially when... there hasn't necessarily been a deep level of relationship development between the two yet.

which, the branch may reference his lightseeker myths and the anecdote "when shooting stars fall" a lot, but i'm glad that this gives the same desired effect even if you didn't get a lot of his cards (especially limited ones). because thankfully it's at least made pretty clear that xavier and mc haven't had the chance to develop their relationship very much past what we know in the main story itself. they're not in a relationship at this point, which, according to the cards, seems to really only get to that point after "21 days"...

so this brings us back to the xavier that we're more familiar with from before that card. the xavier who's still figuring out how to accept the parts of himself that had become a lot more fragmented throughout the years. the xavier who doesn't know how to do it yet, but the xavier who's still trying.

i know i did go into his upbringing and whatnot in some form of detail in my lumiere analysis (here, in case you maybe want to go through that too <3), but i'll expand on that a little bit here!! so how this will go, as much as i can keep it within the outline, is something like background + personality -> relationship. overall, we'll look into how each has influence over the other, and how that ties in to what we see in "voyage of the outcast"!!

++ a lot of these may be a little complex, but with the best of my abilities i'll try to break it down so its easily digestible !!!!!!! but, like... i'll disclaimer here again with this being my own personal speculation, from my understanding of his character hehe <3 so take it with a grain of salt? maybe? whdjsjfhhs

i. background and personality notes.

long-established is the fact that xavier has been depicted as royalty. at his core, he's the prince of philos—heir to the throne, someone who is to lead philos and its people when the current king no longer can.

...but he's also not been very happy about it. he'd distance himself from his family, and his duties, as much as he's able to...

and again, what does mc see when they first meet?

—"they say he doesn't live on campus because his family background is complicated, and many people have seen him surrounded by bodyguards."

—"they aren't clad in all black as one would expect, and they keep a respectable distance away from xavier. still, these people exude an air of oppression. xavier, with his bag, is at the center of their group. it seems he's used to being stared at. the only difference is that rather than being his usual expressionless self, he appears slightly upset."

—"'you appeared to be upset, so i thought you wanted to be free.'"

—"'i wish xavier is free to do what he wants.'"

she says all these things because even she recognizes him to be trapped. this is the mc that doesn't know him, isn't close to him yet at this point—but this is what she observes.

and this is the core of what we'll be looking at this time which i would section off into: (a) the nature of a prince, (b) constraint and psychological resistance, (c) incongruence of identity, and (d) feelings of inferiority. all of that, then, will tie into their relationship as a whole !

because if in the lumiere analysis we zeroed in on how this feeling of being "trapped" affected his identity—which, arguably though, is a big point so we'll get back to it nonetheless under section (c)—this time we're going to try to look into why these issues with his identity mean so much.

i. - (a) ; the nature of a prince.

something i do wish we had (or may get) more insight into is what exactly his life was like in philos x.x largely what we know of can only be inferred, because the story is being told through mc's point of view, and technically mc doesn't get too deep into the kind of lifestyle each of the LI's have.

with that being said... xavier, in his lightseeker myths and the 'when shooting stars fall' anecdote, still does encapsulate typical princely duties. there's the formality of royalty, the responsibility that comes with a higher status... a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title, and in that effect—we all know that there's a certain air of elegance and poise that xavier generally carries himself with, whether that be in his swordfighting, or the words he uses (he has pretty eloquent speech sometimes), the books he reads... even little things, like the calligraphy he does, his handwriting, the slow dancing, playing the piano. he's well learned, and it's clear that he's been trained truly in the image of a prince.

and he's calm. collected. for the most part, we've seen him deal with adversities in a way that's almost chillingly calm; and for the most part, he portrays himself in a way that feels as if it's not easy to get him to lose that calm. again, it's why we as the audience tend to be so shocked when he does—maybe incredibly, even, especially with misty silhouette as of late. he gives this image of someone who does not often lose control of his emotions...

but it's never been because he wants it that way.

along with all of these things, comes the duty of being a prince.

a prince is high-ranking, a prince is a noble, a prince is royalty. again, there's a certain sovereignty involved with the title. but more than that, is the responsibility of holding such a high status.

xavier is the crown prince. he's the next-in-line. he's expected to take the throne after his father's death, and that means being able to lead and care for the people of his nation—or, well, planet, i suppose, in this case, philos. that's a heavy burden to bear. he's already likely faced with all these lessons, to exude a princely demeanor, and all that formality, and speciality, and elegance, and poise—and now he has to keep in mind that the satisfaction and the safety of this planet will fall directly into his hands when the time comes.

we know later on in his lightseeker myth that this means much more than we think it does—because it means being aware of, and accepting, and condoning the sacrifices that go into keeping philos safe, for, well... exactly that. to keep the people safe.

—"...I knew you'd catch on. However, it is a necessary duty of the crown prince. It is also the King's responsibility."

—"Xavier! Listen to me. A King cannot act on his emotions or only protect the people he holds dear. Your duty is to protect Philos. You must only do what is necessary."

his duties are outlined. he has to protect philos. he must only do what is necessary.

it may be the topic of another conversation entirely, but the whole debacle with philos is really just that whoever is on the throne has to answer: "which is it that men cannot live without? a blessing that leads to damnation, or a freedom that leads to deprivation?" [joshua rosfield and the ff16 writers, thank you for this quote that lives in my head rent free] and like, hell. that's a difficult choice to make.

it's also worth noting that although the context here is somewhat dark, this is a rule that applies to general leadership—there is not much room to be selfish, because you have to think about the people under your care, or rule, or jurisdiction. it's a responsibility that falls on your shoulders for you to bear, for you to make the right call, the right decision—that is the value that the xavier's father is trying to instill in him.

because he is the crown prince.

because he will soon be king.

and heavy is the head that wears the crown.

...only, xavier has never once been receptive of it.

i. - (b) ; constraint and psychological resistance.

we go back to, again, "when shooting stars fall", and the very clear recognition mc has of his lack of freedom.

because that's what it is.

lack of freedom.

because duty is the enemy of freedom.

and xavier, given his position, is undeniably plagued by all of these duties and these obligations and these things that fall to him-

yet, he's never wanted any of it.

though not explicitly confirmed in the game itself, the setup that's implied leads us as the audience to believe that xavier has never enjoyed his royal duties, never found that it was something he desired. it could be that he wanted many other things, but has never been allowed to enjoy these things. in "when shooting stars fall", he's often lonely; often surrounded by these "bodyguards" and rarely interacting with other people in the academy. he believes that these figures restrict him from watching the meteor shower with mc, too. it's possible to think that he's believed, all that time, that he had no say in the things that he does...

because he has to be molded into the perfect image of a prince.

that's where it comes in: the constraint.

something that limits one's freedom of action or choice.

it may or may not be what happened in actuality, but it's clear that by the time anecdote 3 happens, xavier had developed into a person with the misbelief, conditioned, that he was not allowed to do as he wished. it could be the strict training, it could be the things they might have kept from him when he was little.

but xavier believed that there was nothing that he could do.

in a sense, this brought about a sense of learned helplessness.

learned helplessness is the learned feeling that one has little to no control over a certain situation—and because of the lack of control, feelings of helplessness, or passivity, or a lack of motivation to take action, end up resurfacing. it could mean overlooking opportunities for relief, or change—it means basically accepting the situation as-is, without bothering to try to get out of it. "it is what it is." "i can't do anything anyway, so why should i still bother?"

this is the xavier that we meet at the beginning of anecdote 3.

— "I can't." "Is it because of those..." I hesitate, wondering what to call them. "People?" Xavier appears shocked, and then he nods without saying a word.

— "Don't be sad. I'll just go by myself... I'll bring your wish to the stars when I do. What's your wish?" "I don't have one." "How could someone not wish for anything?"

however...

it changes.

the xavier at the beginning of that anecdote is not the same xavier we see at the end of it.

mc makes various comments; talks about how he's smiling more, and we see him more deliberately avoiding the company of those "people" in favor of being with mc instead. he's found something he wants, and he makes the decision that this is worth fighting for. it breaks him out of that mold of learned helplessness—

only to have it ripped away from him through mc's death.

this anecdote is painful because he realizes that he doesn't have to be trapped anymore... but it's a moment that's short-lived.

and it builds.

it builds.

it's very likely that the end of that anecdote haunts him for years on end, builds up a certain sense of resentment and disdain for the universe, for his circumstances, and builds more of that rebellious nature.

when we see him in his lightseeker myth, that learned helplessness is gone.

and instead, it switches to the opposite end.

xavier is more headstrong. he's no longer passive, no longer the boy who was unsatisfied with the restrictions but sat still and did nothing. he literally walks out of his conversation with the king, and he's seen multiple times in the myth defying what's expected of him.

but because it's gotten to the point where he's at the opposite end of the spectrum...

he'd develop, instead, what would be called psychological resistance.

maybe not the concept in its entirety, sure, but the very core of it—that is, displaying these paradoxical, opposing behaviors in response to what he'd be told to do.

it's, in a way, that xavier would have himself feeling stuck nonetheless; because he's so insistent on rebelling against all of this, that the more he's told he's a prince, or that he has to do this, or that, or help philos, or whatever, he completely turns his back on it. i would argue that at this point he is being less objective of the situations and, going against the expected conduct of a prince, gets overly emotional—at this point, the only thing that matters to him is mc.

we get to see the full extent of exactly why xavier is emotionally unstable, because he keeps fluctuating between the two extremes of dealing with all the constraint he's experienced.

i. - (c) ; incongruence of identity.

it get worse, naturally.

to set the stage for this, i'd bring forth the concepts of "congruence" and "incongruence" of identity.

so when we talk about congruence, this refers to the fact that there is a balance between our ideal selves (aka who we want to be) and our actual selves (who we are currently). this means that we basically accept who we are, either that we feel like we are already our ideal selves, or we recognize that though we might not be at our ideal stage, we know how to work to achieve it. there is no conflict between who we are and who we want to become.

incongruence is the opposite of that, and refers to the imbalance of the self. who we are now is not who we want to be, but we don't like that idea. we don't know how to work towards it. it makes us upset, and we may reject ourselves completely to pursue the sense of idealism.

and xavier falls heavily into incongruence.

there's more to it—

according to james marcia, there are four (4) statuses of identity: identity foreclosure, identity diffusion, identity moratorium, and identity achievement.

foreclosure refers to committing to an identity and accepting it, without exploring other options: you'd rather just blindly accept values and ideas and identities that other people suggest, without bothering to consider other options. it's most clear that xavier falls under identity foreclosure.

(diffusion refers to no identity commitment, and no exploration of identities; there is no strong sense of who you are as a person, neither is there any sense of actively trying to work on it. moratorium includes actively exploring options, but not being able to settle into one identity. achievement is the ideal, having explored options and willingly chosen the identity that feels right to you.)

so we have the xavier who's initial identity was chosen and laid out for him without much of his own say in the matter, and because he doesn't want the identity, because it's forced onto him, he develops such an aversive reaction to it that it proves to be quite harmful to the stability of his mental state.

something i've talked about a lot, is how this state of his identity is a cornerstone to the things we see him struggle with, in the main story and in his cards alike, and especially in his relationship with mc. and it sets the tone for the xavier that we see and interact with, as well as the character arc he has to go through to grow into a better person.

once again, it pulls out the fact that he needs to learn to accept who he is as a whole. what he keeps doing is striving for an ideal, striving to become who he "should", as far away from his princely identity as possible. but it's necessary for him to realize that even the most conflicting parts of him are still.. well, him.

the more we attempt to be who or what we are not, the more we remain the same. but when we acknowledge and become what we are, we open right new possibilities for change.

it's not necessarily a matter of blindly accepting your faults and not bothering to change that, but acknowledging the parts of you that you refuse to acknowledge, because you can't just... ignore who you are. like xavier has been very keen on doing.

i. - (d) ; feelings of inferiority.

i want to preface this section by saying two things: (1) that inferiority is a word that's thrown a lot very casually, but actually means something different than what general media portrays it to mean... and, (2) that all of the LI's show conflict with feelings of inferiority, in very different ways, and this is not limited to just xavier!

and to understand what inferiority really means, we go back to the person who coined the term in the first place: alfred adler.

so alfred adler is this guy who's basically responsible for what we call "individual psychology", and the very very basis of it is that people are driven by a need to feel that they are significant, and that they belong. there's heavy emphasis on the importance of relationships and social environments, and— a person is influenced by how they interpret events that happened to them in the past.

i hope you see where i'm going with this !!!!

when we relate this to xavier... we can recall how under learned helplessness, it was primarily xavier's view of how he was treated, that he developed a sense of passivity. when things change and he loses mc despite finally learning how to rebel a little, his view changes into one stained more with frustration and disdain—so he works against the situation and rejects it.

the fact is that we as the audience don't know how he was really treated. sure, we can make inferences, but we're just about making the same inferences that mc and xavier do. it's a limited perspective. and what matters the most in a limited perspective is how it's interpreted. we can see clearly how xavier has interpreted his narrative, and it therefore results into his behavior.

so where does inferiority come in?

it does get kind of intense, because individual psychology is closely related to early childhood. so the theory goes that everyone's born with a little bit of inferiority—and then, as kids, or as babies because we strive for the attention of our parents to help fulfil our basic needs we develop this kind of habit of striving to get rid of that inferiority. baby wants food (sense of inferiority and dependance), baby cries (tries to get attention to get rid of the feelings of inferiority).

so it goes that if the child gets the proper care that they need, then problem solved. but inadequate nurturing... means the problem gets worse. we'd go back to learned helplessness, because then the child would feel like they have no control over their surroundings. and while this is normal in small amounts, if it isn't addressed, compensation is just not enough anymore.... and then they would strive for even more.

overcompensation.

and overcompensation leads to an inferiority complex.

now, an inferiority complex isn't what you might be thinking, because it doesn't necessarily just mean seeing yourself as... less than someone. in fact, it's not even about comparison, really, it's just... the feeling of not being enough. it's a lack of self esteem where the feelings of inferiority that all this started with just, haven't been dealt with at all. so it's a cycle of constantly trying to compensate, and compensate, and compensate... it's the need of someone to feel special because they can't accept themselves as flawed. (it's unfortunate, because everyone is flawed... including themselves.)

(it gets worse, because if even that gets left unchecked, it develops a superiority complex which is kind of the same concept, but instead focuses on looking for the "easy way out", like borrowing authority or luxury or power from other people and living according to other people's value system)

but, i digress, because in xavier's case, his sense of inferiority stems from the identity forced upon him. given his background that we went over, there's a lot of pressure involved... and it is once again inferred that he does not have, or does not view that he has, a good relationship with his father (one would assume, including his mother, though i don't believe his mother has been mentioned anywhere?). it's a sense of a lack of nurture; the fact that he has felt as if his needs were not being met and instead pushed aside for something like the "greater good of the people of philos", or something along the lines.

he has to do something about it.

it goes back to the cycle.

the learned helplessness is pushed aside, and he keeps doing things because he has to. and it could be due to the belief that it's what will make him worth anything.

he has to.

except instead of directing his determination necessarily towards the planet he was supposed to lead... because he's so aversive to his identity as a prince...

he directs that towards...

mc.

he has to help her. he has to save her. he'd give rise to the whole lumiere thing to save her, even despite how much he despises resuming an identity similar to the prince of philos.

he has to.

(which, side note: i do believe that his sword fighting also somewhat stems from an inferiority complex, because of the line:

"it's not that i like it. it's the only thing i've been good at since i was a child."

(implying; his need to still feel good at something despite a lack of enjoyment... almost as if compensating for something.)

ii. xavier and mc.

so what does all of this mean for their relationship?

evidently, at the time of voyage of the outcast and the general main story, none of these issues are addressed. this is not like the lumiere myths, not like 21 days, no restraint, floral blessing—this is the xavier who's still largely unstable on the inside but trying to put on a brave face.

there's a lot of things he doesn't know how to navigate.

but the one thing he is sure of is:

mc.

always mc.

she's important to him and he loves her and he has always loved her. this is the person who was the catalyst to him believing that freedom was possible.

and we've had this whole thing established, that he's so insistent on keeping her around that—he doesn't know what to be. he doesn't know what to do. he wants her around, he wants her to like him—

but what does she like?

there's too many sides of him, and he recognizes that this mc in this timeline is her own person. what should he be? he doesn't want her near whatever princely persona he's had in the past—but what if that's what she wants? he wants to show her the person he wants to be, but what if that's not what she wants?

how does he navigate that?

it's the baseline of where he starts—why we see him aloof, and vague, and a little cyptic. he wants to be careful with his words not just to protect her and not just for nonintervention principle... but also because he wants to figure out what she wants, and really wants to make her like him.

he doesn't want to lose her. he doesn't want to mess up and have her go to another guy, he doesn't want this to be a timeline where he can't win her heart.

it's there again, the determination—

he has to.

he's doing all these things, working in secret to protect her—he can't lose her. and he's not enough, so he has to do something to compensate that. he wants her approval, he wants praise, he wants her to like him.

when we go back to voyage of the outcast, there's still a lot of that same xavier that we start with—he's still struggling with all of these ideals, the interaction of all that he's grown up with and the things that he has to learn how to navigate.

he's still a little vague, still a little cryptic...

but he's trying, most of all.

he puts in an effort.

— "Isn't there something you genuinely want to ask?"

— "Oh... You're asking if I have a hidden side to me like Soren?"

— "You must have more questions."

he's giving her a chance.

even if the way he answers are still lacking in explanation—it's a step forward nonetheless.

and they do talk about it, that sequence by the basketball court has so much to it, because in one way or another, he's still trying to express his thoughts, even if it comes out, again, still a little vague.

"Perhaps it's because he looks like a good student that makes him the best at doing things behind the scenes. After all, people don't write their secrets on their faces. The calmer the water's surface, the easier it is to hide dangerous undercurrents."

even mc recognizes it:

— "Even though I'm so close to you, experienced all these life-and-death situations with you, I still cannot seem to fully understand you."

but why i say he's trying is that, in theory, he understands what he's lacking in. at this point in the story, he knows he's doing things to mask and pick and choose what he shows her, he recognizes that it's not what he should be doing:

"But... the parts of me you think you know and the parts you think you don't know... They make up who I am. All of me, right here in front of you."

it's just that, knowledge is often different from practice.

from the xavier we see here, you get the image that he knows what he should be doing, but he doesn't quite know how to get there. he knows what he wants to tell her, but he doesn't know how to express it properly.

and it's why when we get to The kindled scene, we're pulled back into the xavier that still hasn't come to terms with himself and what he wants, the xavier that falls into the shadow of himself that can't help but be so aversive to his princely duties.

we pull together the insecurities, the incongruence— the inferiority complex.

and we end up with the glorification of sacrifice.

this is something i've always always wanted to get into, and again, similarly to inferiority, it's present in all the LI's, but xavier's really makes you think, you know?

because for being so aversive to his role as a prince and everything that philos has done/has planned to do to queen mc especially, you'd think he'd be just aversive to the role of sacrifice, in general.

(i mean, i know i would be! 😭)

it's like— if i'm already that aversive, then i'd rather find some kind of workaround to it than bother giving into the sacrificial needs of the planet, just to challenge what's supposed to be, you know?

— "A planet that uses... ... ...to survive.... doesn't deserve to be saved." [ <- do you see the aversion? there's so much hatred and disdain in this! ]

and yet, that's not what xavier does.

— "Starfall forest... will stop once it has enough power..."

— "I couldn't... I didn't protect you before. At least... it chose me this time..."

he was very clearly planning on having the forest take him. it's even further pushed by him recognizing mc to be there, but... the bottomline falls to the fact that he was willing to be the sacrifice that was needed instead.

the contradiction is there, no?

he doesn't want to save the planet, not at all, but yet he'd offer himself.

and although this falls to my personal speculation, when you draw references from his background, there's once again the fact that he grew up with all of these ideaologies. his parents were the first sources of influence—and then whoever had been with him through his growth, and trainings, or whatever else as a prince. and he was learning all these things in philos, the very planet that did use sacrifices.

and upset though he always has been about learning of the sacrifices, it's not as if the planet condemned mc for being the sacrifice... if not, well... glorified her, somewhat. they called her the perfect sacrifice—the life force of the planet. they held importance in what they believed to be "true immortality". moreover— "her duty was to save philos, because her existence worked in such a manner."

it wasn't just "whatever" to them, and they surely didn't treat her like shit just because she was a sacrifice.

it feels as if, the theme goes as "you're doing a good job being the sacrifice. your sacrifice will save us and that is worth something to be thankful for."

and even if xavier is clearly averse to the idea... again—the fact remains that he was brought up with the entire theme of sacrifice surrounding him.

we circle back to inferiority.

there's that certain sense of belongingness, or approval, that was never fulfilled in his childhood, so much that he began to resent everything altogether, enough to rebel so much, the way that he did.

but it stems from what he never received.

and while he may not care anymore for approval from the people of philos, what he does care for is mc's approval.

because again, mc is the only one that truly matters to him, the one he focuses on the most, the one he's doing all of this for.

he has to do something to compensate, he has to do something so that she'll love him.

the same line of thinking that we said earlier he'd come to terms with knowledge-wise, that he's trying to be more genuine instead of chasing after compensation and praise and compensation and praise—

but again, in this scene, it falls back.

he's lost sense of reasoning, the evol, the protofield, they're all affecting him... and we go back to that sentiment.

he has to do something. to protect her. to save her. to be...

noble.

the only issue with that is in this moment, he's faced with the prospect of sacrifice. and he's thinking, "fuck it, this will make her happy—i can save her—i can do something—it will give me some worth."

he's sucked back into that shell, and the option in front of him is sacrifice, which he's likely long grown up with surrounded by glorified opinions of.

it's his duty.

he has to.

and it's just so gut-wrenching to think about, because he loves mc so much that it bypasses even every ounce of aversion and resentment (that she triggered long long back), and he would do anything for her.

the xavier that we see in this scene is raw, and lost, and in pain....

he loves her so much that it hurts.

... but, there's beauty in the way that this teaches him firsthand what he's missing, too. he learns to trust her more, learns to rely on her more... enough so that he drops a good portion of the aloof, distant-ish act he'd been generally having after this scene.

— "Your power will keep me safe."

— "It's as if he's already at the finish line with the answers. He's quietly waiting to see if l'll join him or choose a different path."

voyage of the outcast ends on a hopeful note for their relationship, because there is the premise that he's going to start being a little more true to himself from here on.

i think it's interesting to go through this again after floof attack and misty silhouette, but there's definitely a stark contrast and some sort of progression actually involved with the way they're progressing the main story—it does feel natural, not forced, not rushed, because xavier and mc are still at the pount where neither of them are ready to be romantically involved...

but they're getting there. slowly. steadily.

and it's really nice to see the growth, that i can't wait to see how xavier will continue to grow from hereon out 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

THIS TOTALLY GOT A LITTLE MESSY TOWARDS THE END.... I SWEAR THIS IS LIKE. THESIS DISSERTATION CORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW LONG ITS GOTTEN WJFJWNBGEJJF BUT IF YOUVE MADE IT THIS FAR TY FOR LISTENING TO MY RAMBLES !! 😭😭😭✋✋✋✋

i think about his story branch a lot but specifically the basketball scene and the one at the end with the lil shared earphones... im gonna sob in the corner i actually want to hold him in my arms so so gently 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

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starheirxero · 5 months ago

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"I don't really like Lunar anymore because they've changed so much from the start, they're so sad and serious and not silly anymore!" Listen. Listen. I get it. I get that people actually liked Lunar when they seemed happy. I get that people actually liked Lunar when they were fresh into the world and still navigating things and acting like a little ball of sunshine.

But I must confess that whenever I hear that, it fucks me up in such a meta way because I am so sure only reason Lunar tried to stay silly and not acknowledge their trauma for so long was because people liked them when they were silly.

Like. Walk with me through this. Imagine you're Lunar and you have abandonment issues and you are desperate for approval. You learn early on that when you act a fool, people are charmed by it. If you say stupid things with confidence, if you act like you don't know basic things, if you do things badly, if you act like a child, then people like you. They will think you're funny and silly and they won't leave you if they like you.

And while it may have started from a seed of truth, or maybe it wasn't such a bad thing at the start, you have now been doing the same song and dance for two years. You are living to make a joke out of yourself because you don't know how else to live now. You joke about how dirty you are, how little you eat, how often you sleep away the day, how little people you talk to, how you died to your abuser, and you pray that no one thinks about it for too long.

You hurt yourself and think of the funniest way to explain it to people. You wear yourself down to your very last thread and think about what joke would convey how close you are to your limit. You think about how to charades your jester dance into a cry for help and yet. and yet. the REAL kicker is that you will deny any and all meaning when someone does think about it too hard!!!

Because along the way, "stay with me, I'm funny, aren't I?" transformed into "I'm a walking joke before I'm a person with thoughts and feelings." and now you don't know how to let go of that idea. So when someone treats you like a person with thoughts and feelings, you brush it off and insist what they said was a stretch. And they back off. Because what do you do when someone is taking themselves less seriously than you?

So. Idk. Again, I get the place these people come from when they say they liked v1 Lunar. However. I fear that only being liked for their mask and not their real self is exactly what they wanted and exactly what they feared. So seeing some of the audience genuinely hold that mentality is like taking poison damage.

#xero says things #DONT THINK TOO HARD ABOUT WHY IM SO PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS TOPIC EITHER GUYS ABAAHAGQJHDD #i feel like i missed an important point but idkkkkk #this post is already so long and ive been typing n retyping for hours no so. whatevsies. releases my post into the world #lunar and earth show #the lunar and earth show #tlaes #laes #laes lunar #sams lunar #long post #xero thoughts and rambles #lunarposting

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dreamdolldiary · 1 year ago

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a simple, no BS rundown on how to ACTUALLY reach your goals

Because grass is greener where you water it. Not the other side.

1. Stop the overconsumption

This is #1 for a reason because just like the majority of individuals who set goals and research how, we often find ourselves stuck in a

"get inspired > overconsume self care content > we get that quick dopamine > never actually pursue our goals or cannot go 1-3 months without being consistent." cycle.

That all ends with this post. Let me keep it simple and straight to the point. Your brain is not designed to hold an overload of information at once for something so straightforward as the pursuit of goals - there is never a need to go down a YouTube or Tumblr self care post rabbit hole when they all essentially regurgitate the same, core information.

Besides, no amount of information will prove beneficial if you aren't willing to commit to goal execution.

2. Identify your ULTIMATE goal

Look back on all the years that have gone by. What aspect of your life makes you feel like you need to improve? What do you truly want to achieve right NOW?

Was it the lack of exercise you got? Your low grades? Your poor relationships with others and yourself? Mental health issues? Unhappy with your job? Financial stress? Pinpoint the areas of your life that carry the most weight at this time.

Depending on what you feel, you may feel unhappy with the way you handle your responsibilities or the way you can't seem to navigate through your hardships.

An example goal to combat these problems would be: to be more self reliant.

Now, narrow down your focus to three pivotal habits that will guide you toward this ultimate goal.

3. Focus on 3 KEY HABITS that help you achieve that ULTIMATE goal

I think being self reliant should be or is a subliminal goal everyone has. I mean, this is your life, only you can make things happen and that all depends on your self reliance.

Narrow down your focus to three pivotal habits that will guide you toward this ultimate goal.

The 3 Key Habit Areas:

Productivity

Skills

Exercise

Pick 1 for each.

Why only 3 habits? What person doesn't want to be good at a million things? While wanting to constantly reinvent ourselves and have a reset or implement the 12 week year into our lives, it’s very easy to get carried away.

Yes, not even the sky's the limit! You can be and do whatever your heart yearns if you know it's your calling or if you truly know it'll make you happy but when it comes to goal setting, we will pile so much more than we can handle at once and you know what that does?

Creates excitement

As we try to tackle all these goals/habits, it gets overwhelming- unsustainable.

And because it got overwhelming, you'll start to "fall behind" on being consistent in every one.

If you "fail" to be consistent or expect yourself to be a master at it within the first 2 weeks, you'll throw in the towel and say "Well. Since I can't do this, I might as well give up altogether."

And you go on living the same life you wanted to improve from.

So AS MUCH as you want to do it all right now, take it slow and easy. This isn't to say you can't be all the things you aspire to be. I am saying to take it one step at a time. You have to walk before you can run.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Ideas for those 3 key habits

Habit: a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.

Productivity:

Practice the 2 minute rule

Create a time block schedule that is flexible

Plan the next day and set priorities on your to-do list

Practice digital minimalism

Wake up at 5-6am and allocate “me time” before you jump into work/studying.

Skills:

Learn a tech skill (coding, editing/design, typing)

Learn a high value language (immerse, learn the alphabet)

Have better handwriting

Learn calligraphy

Dedicate AT LEAST an hour to this habit everyday. Choose something you enjoy. Don't make this feel like a chore.

Exercise:

10k steps a day

Practice dance (choreography online, ballet, jazz, contemp.)

Martial arts inspired exercises

100 crunches a day

Add stretching to these habits

3. Create a SIMPLE, fail proof plan that works for YOU.

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

3 habits. 2 of which should take at least 2 hours of your whole day. If you can't do that then you need some self-assessing to do.

Assess whether you work better in the morning or at night

Plan what hours you're going to do them.

Print out a paper with a time block schedule, set it infront of your desk, make it a widget on your phone, tape it on your room wall- anywhere where you can easily keep track of the time and what you should be doing now and in the next hour.

Example schedule that most people can relate to:

Productivity | Skill | Exercise

Wake up at 6am - me time (skincare, calm music, stretch)

7am - Full body exercise.

8-9am - Get ready for the day and head to work

13:00 - Break time (read a book, walk around for some peace of mind, or immerse yourself in the language you chose)

17:00 - Come back home and rewind. (eat, settle down, walk the dog)

18:00 - Learn how to code

19:00 - Get ready for the next day by planning

20:00 - Shower & get ready for bed

4. Reflect, always!

Keep a track of your consistency.

This doesn't have to be an inconvenience or all set to be pretty and aesthetic.

Print out a habit tracker and tape it, along with a pen on a wall, next to your vanity, wherever is convenient and hard to miss so you can easily mark it off.

If it's close to bedtime, make it a routine to check what you have yet to accomplish.

You knocked off learning how to code, your phone says you walked 10k steps, but you see that you forgot to drink water? Then drink a sufficient glass of water, and place a check in the box.

Quick. Simple. Easy. No excuses.

There. 1 week goes by, soon 3 weeks, then a month, that month turns into 2, then 3, and those "goals" are now habits. A part of your daily routine. They become non-negotiables.

Just like how it's routine for you to go to wake up, brush your teeth, and get dressed everyday.

Now that you created a set of habits, you can build upon them. In a few months time when you feel that it is right, create another action plan and introduce 3 new habits.

For example, you can try another dance style, wake up at an even earlier time, and you can learn how to speak another language or to put it simply, make it goal to reach an advanced level of your new skills

Another example could be towards a more specific ultimate goal. Like taking care of your outward appearance.

Habits for that ultimate goal can look like:

Putting on skincare oils to reduce scars

Growing your glutes + massaging your muscles

showering + brushing your teeth everyday

Rinse and repeat.

Remember that only you can save you. Only you are there for you. Your future is built now.

You don't need luck. You need self love.

— dreamdolldiary ₊˚🕯️♱‧₊˚.

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4dkellysworld · 2 years ago

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Real talk: When I gave up

Okay real talk here. This journey isn't always easy, especially at the start when you've just learned everything and you're identifying with an ego. Near the beginning of my journey, I came to understand a lot of the teachings intellectually and even instinctively. There was only one thing left. To realize Self. And I would keep trying with all these practices but felt like nothing was "happening" (even though intellectually I already knew there was nothing to achieve since we are already Self!). It was frustrating (but of course! I was still looking at all this from the identification of the ego).

Then one day I was sick of trying, sick of feeling desperate, sick of being on this goddamn mental pilgrimage, that I decided to give up on trying altogether. I already AM Self. From that day on, I decided I would always identify as Self and never again as the ego. And that's when things started naturally unfolding without me even doing anything and I gained more understanding experientially. Probably an unpopular take (for realized gurus lol) but I also threw away self-inquiry as a practice because I found it to be the least helpful for me personally and why do I need to ask "Who am I" when I already know I Am?

Abandon all imaginings and know yourself as you are - Nisargadatta Maharaj

I stopped seeking. I stopped trying. I stopped asking questions (including self-inquiry yay!). I stopped doing any practices to "get" or "understand" or "realize" anything. I stopped caring about understanding more of the teachings or gaining more understanding intellectually. I stopped thinking of Self-identification as some goal to reach, something that I need to progress on. I stopped waiting for anything to happen and just enjoyed being in the Now. I didn't realise at the time and only now upon reflection I realise that I gave up on all ego activities on spirituality lol. All of that is the ego looking for something to do and trying to achieve something. Only through my experience, do I now understand more deeply the things that realized masters have said. E.g. Robert Adams said something like "stop trying and seeking to be liberated and you will be because you already are". We've imagined our prisons but we are actually already liberated and always have been.

I decided (because it's true!) I already AM Self, it's not something you need to become (or understand in order to become). And because I AM, there is nothing to do but be.

edit: I found this passage a day after writing the initial draft of this post and Robert Adams said the same thing! But giving up was something I was led to by listening to Self. Truth is Truth :)

There is nothing you can think of in this Universe that can tell you what you are. It is beyond words and thoughts. You can never with your ﬁnite mind understand who you are. So do not try to do this. It works in reverse. It is when you actually stop thinking about who you are, or wanting to know who you are, and you stop analyzing, and you stop trying to ﬁgure it out, that the truth about you is revealed. Self-Realization from Silence of the Heart - Robert Adams

Two things I didn't stop doing: observing as the witness consciousness and sitting in silence in the awareness of being. But both "practices" are things I as Self naturally do because it's my very nature! It's not the same as when I used to identify as the ego and did them because I was trying to achieve something. Sitting in silence & stillness is literally my favourite activity now haha. I'm not sure whether to describe witnessing my ego progressively dissolving or merging into Self because both feel correct? Ah but that doesn't matter. Another thing I stopped caring is to label things as well and just let everything be and unfold on its own - there truly is so much peace and beauty in just being Self! I'm only trying to use words to describe this to share with others in case it's helpful for their journeys but of course words are limiting and you can only understand this when you experience it yourself.

There is nothing to get, only just BE. And it is soooo freeing and wonderful once you understand this. Give up on trying to make the mind and ego understand you are Self, that is a fruitless task. Leave them be. Stop trying to make things happen and just let things be. The more you stay in silence with this understanding, the more the light of awareness shines through and the more you will experientially understand this. Allow things to be and happen on their own, including the permanent identification with Self. Have no desires, expectations or judgments and just surrender to the Now. Just keep being Self.

Only look at who you are, over and over and over until it becomes the permanent identification and replaces the ego. - 4dbarbie

Remember to listen to your own Self above all. Everything else is simply a guide to point you towards Self. You are your greatest teacher! So listen to your Self and do what feels right for you.

Your own self is your ultimate teacher, the outer teacher is merely a milestone. It is only your inner teacher that will walk with you to the goal, because he is the goal. - Nisargadatta Maharaj

#diary #writings

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andhumanslovedstories · 7 months ago

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hi! i'm gonna overshare a little bit but i'm doing my nursing prereqs right now and i'm really worried. i'm kind of really mentally ill and i've been worrying recently if nursing is worth it. i want to help people and it sounds so interesting and i love medical stuff but i don't want to get burnt out with the stress and long hours. someone told me that nursing is a lot like being a restaurant server, and i don't want to go to school and get a degree and a career that's literally just serving again. is it satisfying? is it rewarding? is it soul-killing? i'm scared

hi there! I'll overshare in return! I'm just coming off three months of disability for burnout (which for me is just depression but with a name you can use in the workplace). My job didn't cause my depression, but it certainly exacerbated it. The hours, the stress, the constant exposure to people suffering and the limits on your ability to do something about it, all those suck and they can break your brain. (On the other hand, I've been majorly depressed while working at an ice cream parlor where the walk-in freezer was for smoking weed. You can be depressed anywhere.)

And it is a hard job! Harder in some parts of the field than others. Different places have different nursing cultures, different laws, different staffing, etc. Where I work, there's good protection and advocacy for nursing. That's not true everywhere.

With all that said--I really like nursing. I get to do work that I know contributes good to the world. I get to solve very practical problems. I meet people I would never otherwise meet. I have the opportunity every shift to do something that I am proud of. And a lot of times, I find it fun! It's fun to brainstorm how to make someone who's been puking all night feel better. It's fun to see your efforts rewarded, even in small ways. It's fun to stop something before it becomes an emergency. It's fun bustling around, juggling a dozen different things. It's not ALWAYS fun. But for me, the work is not just meaningful but also enjoyable.

That's how I knew I had bad burnout btw. Even when things went well and I did work I was proud of, every shift was such a fucking slog.

If you are interested in the basic work of nursing (managing the human response to illness and promoting health), then there's a million and one jobs you can do with a nursing degree. They cater to different traits. I've discovered I really like precepting new nurses, I like working on the floor with its routine and concrete goals, and I like symptom management. I don't like critical care or the emergency department or working on stuff that isn't patient care, like paperwork and charge nursing. I like novelty but not chaos. I like independence but not being left entirely to my own devices. I like that I physically cannot take any of my work home. I do not like being on committees. So for me, right now at this point in my life, I like being a basic med-surg night shift float pool nurse. I would be absolutely miserable as a neuro ICU critical care day shift nurse. I would be bored to death being an inpatient rehab night nurse. Being a nurse manager would probably make me suicidal again.

If you find the basic work interesting and rewarding, you can tailor it to your taste. (I can't recommend floor nursing enough for the adhd havers amongst us.)

and last thing, regarding mental illness: I think a lot of nurses (and ppl in healthcare in general) struggle with mental illness way more than they think they do. Someone who knows they have depression and works to manage it will likely be more resilient than someone endlessly pushing through their fatigue and misery. Probably a better nurse, too. I take meds, go to therapy, get sleep, push myself to eat, take sick days, protect my limited energy, do physical activity--I'm a gym girlie now!!--because I'm treating a disease I know that I have. Just knowing that there's something up with your brain and doing something about it puts you way ahead like half of the people who work the emergency department.

#b.#nursing tag

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torialefay · 1 year ago

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🗝️ Sun in Scorpio ♠️

minho as your boyfriend!!! (pt. 1)

(based on astrology) 🔞

✨minho x reader (f); possessive fluff, slightly suggestive at the end

✨take a look into lee know’s natal chart to see what type of boyfriend he would be! in this post, i will be talking about his sun in scorpio. this is a series!!! so follow up later if u want more <3

✨i will give a brief synopsis of what each chart placement means (for all my non-astrology friends out there <3) and how that would affect minho in a relationship :)

✨word count: ~2k

✨ author’s notes:

★★ (1) i do do brief astrological compatibility readings if anyone wants one! if you’re interested, message me your birth date, time, and location OR lmk your placements. i’m gonna limit the reading to include you x 1 skz member only! just specify who you’d like.

(2) i am wanting to get better at using neutral-gendered pronouns so more people can feel included in my posts. i’m really struggling since i use phrases like “my girl” a lot. anyone who has some good alternatives or tips, please message and lmk! i really want to be able to start cranking out more gn options!

(3) the aspects in this reading are based solely on my opinions and interpretations! nothing about a person is set in stone simply because of astrology. please don’t use anything i say as canon :)

(4) i will not be going into ascendant or house placements because lee know’s birth time has not been confirmed for AM or PM

✨warnings: some explicit language

✨ tl/dr: minho as your boyfriend will spoil the shit out of you and charm you until you can’t help but live and breathe him. he’s got to keep a grasp on you at all times- literally AND figuratively.

Sun in Scorpio: Sun signs are all about personality- the face you show the world! It is also the lens through which you usually see yourself and how friends would describe you.

• Scorpio has two planetary rulers- Mars and Pluto. Mars is the ruler of action and aggression, while Pluto is the ruler of transformation and rebirth. Scorpio is an amazing mixture of the two, as it embodies strong desires, innate control, and deep mental and supraphysical understanding.

• Scorpios encapsulate passion. They tend to have a deep understanding of others and can utilize this power to their advantage. They are able to influence others to do as they wish. Scorpios have a deep understanding of beauty and admire things that could be seen as dark, different, or strange to others.

• Scorpios have a tendency to become obsessive, controlling even, if not careful. They get fully engrossed into who other people are and want others to fully engross themselves in them as well.

• Scorpios are known for their creative and expressive nature- something that comes naturally to them. Because of this, they can really shine in areas such as art or drama, historian or detective, intuitive research or psychology, and are amazing for dabbling in the occult.

As your boyfriend:

• He is super protective over you. He’s always watching behind you as you do something to make sure you’re okay and no one is bothering you… And to be honest, I don’t think many people WOULD bother you, knowing you were the person with a psycho boyfriend (in a good way <3).

• He would bring you lunch any chance he got. If you were at work/school and he knew you hadn’t brought lunch or hadn’t had lunch that day, he’d definitely bring you something- whether he picked it up or made it himself. It also gives him an excuse to see you and check on you during the day.

• He knows when you are having a bad day. And he knows exactly how you need him to act in order to help you deal with it. When he senses something is wrong, he will pull you onto his lap in a hug and tell you to talk to him about it.

• Other people think he’s cold, but he’s definitely not with you. He loves you and nurtures you. He takes pride in knowing every part of you. He loves that there is a side of him that is specifically for you and not for the rest of the world. He’d like it if you were the same.

• He loves when the both of you have a chance to get dressed up. To look good for one another and just enjoy the other’s company.

• He loves nice dates, ones where he can make a grand gesture to make you feel loved and special.

• That’s why it was no surprise when he’d texted you earlier to dress up pretty for him and he’d be at your apartment to pick you up at 8.

• This was a monthly occurrence. Him surprising you with a nice date- and when I say nice, I mean NICE.

• Yes, you went on smaller dates a lot too, but he made it a priority to spoil you with something bigger at least once a month.

• So here you were, all dressed up in your favorite dark blue satin dress. It looked absolutely enchanting with it’s spaghetti strap and cowl neck top with a deep slit running up the side.

• You made sure to do your hair his favorite way- loose curls all brought to one side.

• You gave yourself one final look in the mirror, swiping on a glossy coat over your lip stain before heading out the door. Minho was already waiting on you downstairs.

• When he saw you like this, he always smirked.

• ‘Looking so beautiful all for me,’ he thought.

• Once you got to him, he just smiled at you, taking your hand in his.

• “Now, are you going to tell me where we’re off to?” you asked.

• “Shhh, you’ll see,” he kissed your hand, leading you out to the car.

• He always made sure to open the car door for you and make sure you were buckled before you took off.

• And of course he always had to rest one hand in his favorite spot- gripping onto one of your thighs. It was harder when you had a dress on, but he’d never let that stop him. He needed to always have a hold on you.

• Arriving at your destination, it was a quaint building you didn’t recognize. You’d never been here before, but it seemed to be a small restaurant with only a few (very nice) cars in the parking lot.

• The valet rushed to the car to speak with Minho and grab the keys.

• You smiled up at your boyfriend as he walked around to your side of the car, opening the door for you and taking your hand in his to help you stand.

• As you made your way toward the restaurant, he made sure to hold tightly to the one hand, while the other stabilized on your hip, making sure you were safe while ascending the few steps in front of you.

• “Hello, can I get your name please?” the host of the restaurant asked as you stepped inside. It was a beautiful restaurant- dark and sensual. There was very minimal lighting, but what they did have gave a beautiful warm glow. The sleek bar to the right shined bright from the sparkly crystal bottles aligning each of the shelves- luxury liquor only.

• “Lee,” he said, matter of factly, only taking a brief moment to look at the host. Tonight, his eyes were only on you.

• The host presented a big smile before stepping to the side and motioning for you to follow him. “Great, Mr. Lee. Right this way.”

• Minho let you walk just slightly in front of him, always watching your back to make sure he had a full view of you. One hand continued to rest on your hip. It was like it was glued there. He never wanted to lose contact with you.

• The host led you down one of the dimly-lit aisles and to the back of the building. Off to itself, he rounded a corner to lead to a beautiful, private, screened-in room in the back. It sat adjacent to a huge lake, which could be seen through the mesh netting of the “walls” that enclosed you. With the moon shining bright over the water and the stars on full display, it was a captivating view.

• Minho pulled your seat out for you to sit before pushing you in towards the table. You allowed yourself this moment to look around the beautiful secluded room. It was still dark like the interior of the building, with the nice, warm lighting. But there was an even more bewitching feeling to it through the beautiful scenery and soft music that was emanating from afar. It was absolutely breathtaking.

• If there was anything Minho knew how to do, it was how to wine and dine you. He made sure to start the evening with ordering a full bottle of your favorite reserve red wine. He loved the way you looked and smiled at him after a glass or two- how lovey dovey you got for him and how you began to try and charm him, getting all giggly, before the night was over with.

• He encouraged you to get whatever you wanted off the menu- even if it was the most expensive thing by far, he wanted you to have it. He was never going to let you pay anyways.

• Once you decided what you wanted, he always wanted you to tell him so that he could order for you. It wasn’t that he thought you were incapable of ordering for yourself, but he wanted you to know that you would always be taken care of when he was there. He didn’t want you to have to take your attention off of him for one second.

• Your heart always swelled as you watched him order- for some odd reason. And he never ordered just what the two of you wanted. No way. He made sure to always order at least 3 or so dishes so that you could share with each other and sample everything. He would make sure to have something on the table that his baby loved.

• Even if you were absolutely stuffed, if he noticed there was still wine in your glass, he would always order a dessert for the two of you to share. And although he wouldn’t admit it, this was also a way to extend his time out with you.

• He’d make sure to do all the gross romantic stuff with you, like feeding you a bite of the crème brulèe straight from his spoon. He definitely didn’t want to overdo it though and would NOT do it unless you two were in private.

• At the end of the evening, after your head felt light and bubbly from the wine and your stomach was full, he made sure to tip the waiter very generously. You loved that about him. That’s why the restaurant owners and workers always loved to see the two of you back.

• Taking the last sip of your whine, you leaned in with a smile, half-whispering “thank you for dinner, jagi.”

• “Thank you for being here with me, love,” he said back. Slowly, he stood from his chair, so naturally you waited in yours as he always requested, so that he could again pull your chair out before you stood.

• He made his way over as usual, standing behind you, but this time he didn’t put his hands on the chair.

• Instead, he placed one hand on the nape of your neck, bending down to plant a soft kiss to your shoulder and then to the side of you neck.

• You let out a giggle as you started to blush. “Stop itttt, you know we can’t do that here.”

• “I know, but I had to at least get a little bit out,” he smiled smugly.

• Suddenly, you saw his hands both in front of you and a cold sensation on your chest. You looked down to see a beautiful silver pendant resting just between your collar bones.

• “What’s this?” you asked, as you felt his hands secure the latch at the back of your neck.

• He walked to your side so that he could see your face and bent down, resting one knee on the ground.

• “Why don’t you look at it and tell me?”

• You picked the small-ish pendant up to examine it. On the front, in dainty cursive font read “LMH”. Lee Min Ho.

• The back had a single, small diamond implanted in it. Around it’s edges, it had a Latin phrase inscription. You read it aloud. “Aut viam inveniam aut faciam?” You tried to make the words out, looking to your boyfriend for confirmation.

• “That’s right jagi. ‘I will either find a way or make one’. For you.” He smiled up at you, as your looked at him with eyes of endearment. The love you had for this man was unbearable. You could hardly stand the emotions that he made you feel.

• He gently reached out for your hand, planting a gentle kiss to it, before standing up and motioning for you to do the same.

• Once you were upright on your feet, he leaned in next to your ear. “It looks beautiful on you, by the way,” he whispered seductively.

• You smirked, the boldness of the wine starting to manifest out of you. “I’ll keep it on for you later. Everything else is coming off,” you winked.

• His eyes grew large for a split second before turning himself so that he body was right up against yours. He swiftly let his hands wonder to your waist, then hips, then grab lightly at your ass.

• “That sounds perfect,” he planted a small, sweet kiss to your lips. “But that necklace is never coming off of you. Promise me. Promise me you’ll wear it at all times, and I’ll always be with you.” He looked at you, his face full of sincerity and genuine lust.

• “Anything for you,” you gave in to him before leaning in for another slow kiss.

• You knew that’s exactly what he wanted. For you to give yourself fully to him. You’d play around with him later, but for now, you would give yourself up. He knew you were his.

———————————————————————————————————

✨ author’s note: lowkey thinking this man put a tracker in the necklace lol. he just wants to know you’re safe and also wants to be able to know where you are at all times. but it’s up to you what you want to think 🤷‍♀️

✨ if you enjoyed, please consider liking, commenting, or re-blogging <3

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thirstkanaphan · 2 months ago

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MY FAVORITE SONG IS SONG MINGI

I have so many thoughts and feelings and I'm going to ramble but I'm just so proud of Mingi. His development and maturity as an artist has been a privilege to witness. He understands his own sound so well and by that I mean there is a common thread between Youth and Tunnel and Autobahn that resonates even if the tone and style differ. I like that he gets to flex his vocal range with this song: his raspy-rocker voice/his higher, melodic voice/his loud and commanding "fix on" voice are all present here in ways we don't often get to see in Ateez music where he plays an important but somewhat limited role in those compositions.

I loved that this song wasn't quite what we were all expecting; it's hard and heavy, sure, but I love that it opens with that softer piano music, then we "fix on" into his typical rap style; the chorus has that great, thick, danceable beat; and YUMNIN!! WHAT A VOICE!! Her solo was fabulous and their high/low tones worked so well together!! I'm picking up all his musical influences (this guy listened to Evanescence) but this is only a song that Mingi could make. It's so him!!!

There's already been such good writing in the tags about the meaning of his lyrics. @minjoongism really summed it up well:

I wrote about the lyrics of Youth in a separate post but Mingi wrote that song when he was 22 and in a really bad place with his mental health. I'm too young, it's too hard right now, he sings, What did I do wrong? With a drink, can it be shaken off?

Tunnel presents as a song about a broken heart and the fear of being left alone to face the The void that waits at the end.

I guess I can’t get used To being left alone What does being precious mean to me?

The chorus is haunting: Will I be able to delete all these memories? / I think of it as a habit once in a while / From sunrise to sunset, this moment /Why is my heart so void? He deflects from this fear with Days soaked in alcohol (calling back to the lyrics of Youth). The song ends on a depressing note: so void.

Tunnel depicts an individual at struggling against the swirling storm inside their mind;

Autobahn announces: The storm is gone now, there's no more fear.

Here on the boundary between oppression and anxiety / I push forward on my own/ who the hell would dare to stop me?

HELL YEAH!!

Mingi sings about finding the light at the end of the tunnel; of confronting the void and moving through it and making it to the other side; of freeing himself from the chains of his own fears and anxieties. He's shifted gears and nothing can stop him now!

The MV is so clever and evocative: the imagery of the chains, the cars, the tunnel and the light; the flashing lights and shadows; all the shades of Mingi from his swagger to his vulnerability; the way his expression changes with every flicker of light; the way it contrasts with the Mingi in red, wearing his sexy concert attire that represents his Fix On persona. Except maybe it's not quite a persona now. Maybe he's learned to reconcile the Fix On and the Fix Off so that it's just Mingi. Both of him and all of him.

I am so glad I met Song Mingi! Thank you for letting us share in your journey!!

#ateez #song mingi #mingi #ateez meta #kpop #yunmin #touched

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madamechrissy · 9 months ago

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♡ Time after Time ♡

♡ ♡ Pairings ♡ ♡ CEO! Satoru Gojo x Fem Reader

♡ ♡ Warnings ♡ ♡ MDNI- explicit sex, pregnancy sex, cunnilingus, daddy kink

♡ ♡ Summary ♡ ♡ Gojo Satoru is your boss And you've been his head assistant for over two years now. You do everything for him, including and not limited to cleaning his messes, picking out his clothes, and writing his speeches. Sixteen hour days... night calls... You are tired of being overworked and at his beck and call. You decide you are going to put in your two weeks notice. He is shocked, and wants to try to keep you, because you're the best. But you know better. Right? . You really wanna fucking quit. You also wanna fuck him. Also, fuck him.

A/N (Kinda has 'two weeks notice' vibes a bit! No use of y/n.

Chapter 15- end - Masterlist - Playlist

Epilogue I

“Hey… you okay baby girl?”

Satoru Gojo is holding your hair back, as you’re embarrassingly throwing up for the millionth time. You shiver, shaking your head, as you’d been throwing up all night and all morning. You all had gone out for drinks with Nanami and his girlfriend, who was fastly becoming your good friend, but after just one rum and coke, you’d started to feel queasy and switched to water.

Now here you were.

“I don’t know… it’s awful. I only had one drink, and it was just…” You pause, flushing the toilet then, and grow silent in thought. “I need to brush my teeth again.”

“Come on.” He helps you up, and you start brushing your teeth with that fancy electronic toothbrush he’d bought you back when you were starting to date. He looks at you in the mirror, carefully brushing your hair into a ponytail.

You adore him.

“Maybe you should go to the doctor?” He asks, and you sigh, looking away, counting mentally in your head.

When was your last…

“Fuck!” You rinse your mouth out, turning to him in shock. His blue eyes narrow, and you’re pinned between his arms.

“What? Tummy bug?” You shake your head, and thoughts swirl, your mind is going insane…

When was the last…

“Satoru…” You say quietly, he cups your face gently, looking down at you. “Don’t freak out okay?”

“Freak out about what!?” He’s freaking out.

“I haven’t…” You flush bright red. “I haven’t had a period since… before the wedding. Like a week before.”

His eyes widen now, and his lips part, as he mentally counts. “That’s… like almost six weeks then?”

“Yeah… and I am never late. I’ve been so busy I didn’t even think.”

“Fuck… I…” He gulps, running a hand through his hair, your mind starts going insane with wild thoughts, what if he wasn’t ready? What if you weren’t?

Were you?

You want this though…

“It may be just late. A tummy bug. But…”

“Nah, wait.” He snatches his phone up off the bathroom counter, calling someone then, you look up in confusion, studying his tense jaw.

“Kiyotaka, I need like every kind of pregnancy test.”

***

You stand there thirty minutes later with ten boxes of tests, and you look at Satoru incredulously, as he’s frantically opening boxes, reading instructions, this way and that. You giggle at him, and he glares.

“You’re adorable.” You kiss his cheek. “We didn’t need all these.”

“Start drinking water brat, you’re about to have to pee on all these.” You burst out laughing, holding your tummy, still sore from getting sick.

“Oh god. All right.” In a few minutes, you’re on the toilet, scowling up at Gojo. “Get out though!”

“Why? We’re married, stuck up little nun. Think I can’t handle you peeing? Now, here.” He hands you the first stick, you sigh, bright red in embarrassment.

“I don’t want to pee on sticks in front of you!”

“Get on it, now. Here.” He is opening the next, and you sigh, awkward as you begin, handing him the first, wrapped up in tissue. Then he hands you another, and you sigh, repeating.

You’ve run out of pee at this point.

But, all ten are set on the counter.

You nervously sit up, washing your hands, and as you stare, Satoru is pacing back and forth, through the bathroom, through the room, his hands on his head. You feel his nervous energy, coming to lean in the doorway, arms crossed around your suddenly chilled body. His eyes are taking on that crazy look, his hair is messy as he brushes it back.

“Satoru… are you… would it upset you if I was?” You manage, gulping, emotion in your eyes, he pauses, then before you know it, you’re pushed against a wall, he’s bending low, gaze boring into you.

“I would be so fucking happy… it’s just that I…”

“Not ready?” You whisper, feeling tears pricking your eyes, he shakes his head, caressing your face.

“No, so fucking ready. But what if I am not good at it?” You feel your heart break for him, then, and you cup his face too, tears hot and sticky down your cheeks.

“Satoru, you’ll be an amazing dad. The funnest, sweetest dad, and you’ll spoil the shit out of em too. I’ll be the strict, bitchy mom here.”

He laughs a bit, and he swipes your tears away with his sure fingers, gaze dropping to your lips. “They’ll ask me for everything won’t they?”

“Oh yes. It’ll be like ‘don’t tell mom’.” He snorts at that, and you both laugh together, until it’s quiet and it’s just your breathing.

“We could be worrying for nothing. But, I promise, I know you’ll be great at it. You’re not your dad, okay?”

“I know. I’m way better looking.” You smile tremulously, hand now on his chest, and you feel it racing.

The timer goes off.

You both jump up.

“Fuck.”

You walk into the bathroom, and you take the first stick in your hand, as you see the plus sign, it clatters to the floor. Satoru runs in, and you pick up the next, with two blue lines. The next is digital, and it says pregnant, clear as fucking day. Your heart is racing, and you feel lightheaded.

“What is it? What are all these… what do they…” You show him the one that says pregnant. “Oh shit.”

“Yeah…”

It’s silent for a moment, and then he snatches you up in his arms, kissing you fervently, lips sinking in, yours mold to his, made for them. He has you up in his strong hold, your legs off the floor, your arms around his neck. You’re so fucking happy, it’s unreal, you can’t even begin to imagine your life ahead.

With the love of your life.

And now…

“We need to get you to a doctor!” He says suddenly, sitting you on the counter, next to all the sticks. You giggle.

“We can do that tomorrow.” He puts his hand on your tummy, so warm, looking at it then, as if to see some change.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna be a dad.” Your tears flow again, your heart feels so full it’s like it will burst from your chest.

“I can’t believe I’m gonna be a mom. To a baby Gojo.” You tease, he laughs, bending down and kissing your tummy, still flat, but it shatters your soul.

“You are Mrs. Gojo now, you know.” He kisses it again, lifting up your tank top, exposing your skin. “Gonna get cute little stretch marks.”

“Well that will suck though!”

“Nah, no way. It’ll be cute…” He pecks little kisses, and you run your hands through his hair, moaning softly.

“I love you so much.” He moans, sliding up, hands around your waist.

“I love you so fucking much.” He picks you up, and carries you to the bed then, the sun is shining through the blinds, casting a glow on his pretty face, on his gorgeous shirtless body. Your hands run up and down his muscles, sighing happily, arching up for all his kisses.

“Going to be a mom. Holy fuck.” You murmur, he grins, sliding your shirt up further, kissing up your waist, until he slides it up off your raised arms.

“Your tits are gonna get so huge.”

“Satoru!” You start laughing hard, and he grins against your skin, sucking on your nipples, and you cry out. “Sensitive!”

“Oooh, this will be fun. Torturing you.” He flicks his tongue on one, massaging the other with his hand. You gasp in a mix of pleasure and something else, almost over stimulating, and you’re getting wet between your thighs.

“Mnh! So sensitive…” He goes to lavish the other, plucking your freed nipple with his fingers, you’re wriggling, hips rocking against him, feeling his length through his shorts on your thigh, his hand eases down your tummy, making it tremble, finding you slick to the touch.

“You’re soaked… fuck…” He moans, his rough fingertip catching your clit, you cry out as he flicks in little circles, and he begins kissing down you, to your tummy, sliding down your shorts. “You’re drenched. Beyond soaked.”

“I’m very horny right now.” You tease, he grins, kissing your thigh, sliding his head between them, you brush back his silvery white hair.

“You had the real breeding kink, hmm?” He kisses the hood of your clit, those piercing blue eyes dilated with desire, mirroring your own, he lazily flicks his tongue along you, and you buck up, gasping. “Is she sensitive too?”

“It seems like it…” You feel yourself gushing as he slides a finger in, and he’s moaning against you, bringing you to an orgasm embarassingly fast.

“Fuck you’re hot.” He slides up, and slides your thigh up, kissing down your leg as he’s hot and hard on your entrance, stretching you.

“You’re fucking hot. You’re a whole Daddy now.” He rolls his eyes, pressing in, fully, stretching you, you throb around him, already close again as he slides in, inch by inch.

“I was always a Daddy, little brat.” He shuts your giggle up when he slides back in, and your back arches, as he fills you, the pressure building. His hands entwined with yours, swallowing your tiny ones, and begins to snap his hips, fucking deeper, harder, so much pressure…

“Ah! Satoru… So good…” You manage, crying out, as he grows slicker with each thrust, fucking into you, against your cervix. You’re so close, on the edge, he’s drinking your cries with his lips, his hands now bracing himself, leaning over you.

“Why don’t you call me daddy, hmm?” You laugh, but he again fucks the laugh out of you, it turns into a gasp, a moan, he’s pressing your thighs against your body in a mating press, you wiggle.

“I’m already bred, you know!”

“Mmhmm and your belly will be round soon, might as well do it while we can.” He grins deviously, pressing them all the way against you, balancing on your thighs and railing you. You’re cumming, hard, he’s looking maniacal, his eyes glittering in that way they do.

“Ah!” You manage, then he stops, yanking out, you tremble, slickness sliding out of you, your legs twitching. “Get back in there, the fuck.”

“Nope, say it.” You roll your eyes, shaking your head.

“That’s so cringe, Satoru!”

“Nah, I wanna hear it.” He fingers you now instead, and you whine, wanting more of his cock in you.

“No way.”

“Yes way… say ‘fuck me daddy’.” You’re wriggling under his touch, now he’s playing your clit too, and you think fuck it, you’ll just get off like that, raising your hips up for more, so close… then he stops.

“You’re such a dick, ugh!” You grimace, legs laying down, but he shoves them back up. “That hurts!”

“Say it. Fucking brat.” He murmurs, teasing you with his cock again, sliding it between your folds, against your clit that’s puffy and aching. You hiss at it.

“You’re ridiculous!”

“Mmhmm, and you’re pregnant. By me. By your…”

“No way.”

“Stubborn brat.” He pulls back again, and flips you around, now your ass is in the air, and he whacks it, the smack stinging.

“You’d smack your pregnant wife’s ass?” You demand, and he’s grinning as you turn to look at him.

“Sure the fuck will. Because I’m a…”

“No!”

He scowls now, shoving in you, deep, and you scream, so close when he hits your cervix you almost cum, but he pulls back out after two thrusts, smacking your ass again.

“Aw, poor baby, do you hurt?” He whispers, fucking devious little shit that he is, kissing where he had just smacked the fuck out of you. You wince, it stings so bad it’s throbbing, and it’s all made you wetter.

“Fuck me, please, Satoru. Please.” You beg him, and he just shoves your face into the soft bed, shoving two fingers in again, massaging that little spongy part inside you, making you see stars. “Please!”

“Say it, and you’ll get it.”

“Sadistic little shit! Ow!” He smacks you hard, right against your cunt you feel yourself hurting now, throbbing, cut off orgasm after orgasm.

“You’re hurting youself.” He muses, easing in just a bit, moaning. “Fuck you feel so tight.”

“Good, fuck me then.”

“Ah-ah.” He pulls out again, and now you’re crying in pain, edged ridiculously, he’s laughing when you pull up on your arms, scowling. “ You crying ?”

“Fuck you.”

“I’ll make you feel better when you say it.” You sigh, your cunt is pulsing around nothing, he’s toying with your clit, bringing you to the edge again, just to leave you wanting. It’s torture.

“Fuck…”

“Mmhmm…” His sharp fucking canines glint, gorgeous asshole that he is, and you finally consign.

“Daddy…” You mumble, and he’s shoving in you, hard, you arch your back, and he pulls your hair, wrapping it around his fist, bending your back like a bow, burying his cock deeper. “Fuck! Satoru…”

“Say it again.” He orders, fucking you harder, hitting your cervix, blinding you with how good it feels.

“Daddy…” Why is it not cringe? What’s wrong with you? You peek at him, blinking through the stars, and you see his brows low, eyes lidded, lips parted. “You fucking like it.”

He grins, wrapping an arm around your waist, hand on your tummy, moaning his answer in your ear. “Fucking bred you, didn’t I?”

You nod, eagerly, letting him fuck you, holding on to his neck with one hand, now he’s on his knees and you’re on him too, riding against his thighs.

“You did… can I cum, please?”

“Cum for daddy.” You laugh, breathless, shaking your head, but you are cumming all over his cock, soaking him, lewd squishing noises in your bedroom, making a mess of the freshly cleaned blanket.

“Fucking idiot. I love you.” You feel him hit sharp then, and he goes to rub your clit, you start cumming harder, screaming your pleasure, he bites your neck, pain making you blinded.

“I love you, beautiful little brat.” He murmurs, then he moans, loud, and pauses, just rocking against you, you feel him throb, and know he’s close. “Why don’t you beg for Daddy’s cum?”

“Oh god, Satoru. Come on!” He shoves your thighs down, stopping all your movements, and you try to wriggle but he holds you firm. “Please…”

“Say it.” He nips your ear, and you’re so close again you’re shaking, cunt throbbing around his ever harder cock.

“Fuck… this is… stupid.”

“Do it.” He toys your clit, so sensitive now it hurts, you smack his hand away, but he shoves your own hand on it. “Beg for my cum.”

“Cum in me… please…” He bites you again, not letting you move, you cry out, body pinned, unable to move, cock so deep it hurts. “You’re so… fuck.” You sigh, looking to the side, and he’s grinning like he’s won the lottery.

“Yes?” He urges you on, shoving your fingers on your clit. You hiss.

“Cum in me, Daddy . Please.” You whisper it, feeling stupid, but he loses his mind, and has you flipped back in the mating press, shoving hard in you, you start falling apart, as his rhythm falters, and he’s pressing against you.

“You want all this cum in you, even though you’re bred? Such a slut. A slut for me, aren’t you?” He growls, holding your face as he slams into you, you throw your head back, clutching the blankets, crying out as he slams into you.

“A slut for your cum. For you, Daddy .” You tease with a smirk, but he loses it, and he’s coming, hard, and you fall with him, every inch of you on fire as he cums, hot streams filling you up, as you throb around him. You struggle to breathe, and he eases your thighs down, laying on you, sighing, resting his head on your chest.

“Fuck that was hot.” He murmurs, kissing you, you nip his lower lip with your teeth, smiling up at him.

“Have we unlocked some new kink? You have so many.” You tease, kissing his chin now. He laughs, breathless.

“I told you I’m kinky. Vanilla little brat.” You roll your eyes.

“I am so not Vanilla anymore. Daddy. ” He groans, shoving back in you, still hard somewhat, you cry out. “Fuck you actually like that huh?”

“Apparently I do.” He laughs with you, kissing you over and over, easing out of you. You wince at the loss of him, pussy sore as fuck from all the teasing. “I’m really fucking happy right now.”

“Me too, Satoru.” You gently run a hand along his shoulder, gaze drinking him in, the man that you’re having a baby with. “Will I be a good mom?” You ask, emotion in your throat.

“The best mom ever, you fucking kidding?” He scowls, and you feel tears threaten again.

“I hope so. I want to be the best.” He leans to the side, propping up on an elbow, rubbing your tummy gently.

“Like a Pokemon master?” You giggle, nodding. “I like Digimon better.”

“I know, you have a fuckton of cards. Well I like Pokemon better.”

“You’ll corrupt our kid with shit Pokemon!” You shove at him.

“You’ll corrupt them with shit Digimon!”

“I take it back, terrible mom!”

“Fuck off!” He’s tickling you, and kissing up your neck. “Okay, we will present both types. Deal?”

“Nah fuck that. Digimon.”

“You’re so annoying!” He kisses you, deeply. “Mmm.”

“Despite your shit taste in pocket monsters… you will be the most amazing mom. You’re the most caring person I know.” He grows a little serious, the smile so sweet on his beautiful face, and your heart flutters in your chest.

“Thank you, Satoru. I’m so excited. I’m also nervous… I want it all to go well, you know?” You touch your tummy now.

“It will. I’ll be here through everything.” He kisses your forehead, so sweet, your eyelashes flutter shut.

“Mmm, who do we tell first?” You tease, and he taps his chin.

“Mom. And your brothers. Then we can tell Geto and Shoko, Nanami… when do you want to tell them?”

“Maybe after the doctor?” He nods in agreement, pulling you against him, wrapping you in his arms. “I’m so happy.” He whispers, and you tremble.

“I am too… I can’t wait for this. For a baby Gojo.” He grins, against your lips, as you all kiss again and again.

“You’re gonna be so beautiful, all round and pregnant with my baby.” You giggle, cupping his face.

“I love you, Satoru.”

“You mean Daddy?”

You snort, shaking your head. “No way, only did that so I could cum.”

“You’re still so mean!” He’s back on you, and looks down at you, love mirrored in his eyes, as deep as yours. “I’ll get you to say it again.”

“Silly man.”

“I’ll show you silly.” He’s ready again, insatiable, and you wonder if you can take it, but you always can, you’re always ready for him.

Epilogue II

#gojo smut #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #jjk smut #jjk gojo #satoru x reader #ceo satoru gojo #jujustu kaisen #jjk x reader

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tordenvejr · 1 month ago

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hello vic! i hope this message finds you well. i am having a hell of a time with anxious attachment right now and could really use some advice. i’ve been with my girlfriend for about 2 months now and it’s been pretty rocky which i think is contributing. she initially broke up with me a few weeks in but we worked through that. now, whenever we’re not together, she’s all i can think about and i get stuck in these obsessive thought loops where i convince myself i’m ruining everything and she’s going to leave me. i also can’t seem to find interest in anything outside of her. i want to be unconscious until i can see her again. i know this is not healthy and i want to work on it but i am really struggling to see how i can change it. any words of wisdom would be appreciated 💗💗

hello (-: thank you <3 when there's so many thoughts and worries it can be helpful to just begin by grounding, getting out of your thought spirals and into your body

some perspectives you can remind yourself of when you feel yourself get carried away with the anxious 'what ifs' could be:

• it's very early on, everything can easily feel sore and uncertain when it's so fresh • you're only just getting to know each other and starting to shape your relationship • it tends to take time before people begin to feel secure with one another

another little tip for emotional permanence: keep a folder or a box of sweet messages, photos to look at when you need the reminder for being more embodied and less caught up in the doubts and concerns, as well as obsessive thinking about your girlfriend:

the first place i'd start would be limiting socials (if socials help to distract then options could be pinterest or youtube, but specifically ones where you go to check up on her or where you're exposed to a multitude of other people's every thought is likely only going to add to the mental clutter), and less high-intensity stimulation (such as heavily emotionally charged music, dramatic shows, etc)

instead, more immersing in your environment, nesting and cozying up your immediate surroundings with textures, lights and themes you enjoy, making it a sensorially pleasant place to be. practicing spending time with other people without checking up on your girlfriend or floating off thinking about her. it's okay if it takes time, it probably will, but keep practicing. increasing your time in and deepening your appreciation for nature (you could bring a camera if you have one or go flight mode on a walk and photograph everything you find beautiful) is one of the easiest way to become more present and to slow down your thoughts in my experience. not only do you get out of the environment where a lot of those thoughts consistently run on loop, but you also get to co-regulate your nervous system with the help of nature's pace. more slow form, low conflict and uplifting entertainment, more expressing and creating rather than taking in

working from the ground up - roots to present day - when it comes to the anxious attachment is also helpful. ways to do this are:

• letting yourself feel the pains of the neglect or rejection you've gone through, fully. the pain will pass - but it needs to be granted complete space and acceptance first • reflecting on: — who told you or made you feel as if you ruined everything? where did the story that you are someone who is left, begin? — whether there was a part of you that wasn't given permission to exist growing up. a specific emotion or a natural way of behaving that was deepened disruptive or too much. create a new dynamic to this part by inviting it and allowing it to take up space — whether there has been a core betrayal that has settled in your body. feel it, give it a way to be resolved and released; speaking to it, movement, bilateral stimulation

comforting yourself into a place of ease around her staying also would not be enough because as long as your body thinks it's in actual danger if you were to not be with her, you are in pain and you are being guided by a wound. so, and i know this can be incredibly anxiety provoking, it's important also to visit and to get acquainted with the concept that you would be safe and you would be okay even if she left. anything else is a bandaid - but it's okay if a bandaid is what you need right now

building more security, joy and appreciation in your relationship with yourself is also going to establish a foundation that isn't dependent on your girlfriend; which will help you feel safer. speak to yourself lovingly, throughout the day or with morning and evening mirror statements. give yourself more physical touch, baths, self touch in whatever capacity is relevant for you. spend active time with yourself (at first that freedom can be uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar, but later a sort of excitement around that freedom is available). treat yourself to something within your budget (but be mindful not to form a new dependency). make chores something pleasant with music, a podcast or an audiobook. build connection, clarity and honesty with yourself through journaling. let your own company be a sanctuary

when you feel more regulated, check in with yourself. do you need more conversations with your girlfriend about what happened? are the rocky bits a symptom of a larger issue? is this a dynamic you've known before? if you weren't guided by fear, but by love and respect for yourself and for her how would you approach this?

#answered

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sameatsfunions · 7 months ago

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Happy day 5 of a steddie Halloween, changing gears a little bit.

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🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

Eddie and steve had been secretly dating for the last year, and Eddie couldn’t be happier. Steve would sleep over most nights at his trailer, Wayne welcomed him with open arms.

Wayne and Eddie have always been close, Eddie told him everything. One night last year, Eddie had come home and Wayne was sitting on the living room couch. Eddie felt like throwing up from the anxiety as he walked past him to his room, dropping his bag and shoes off in the messy place he called home.

He took a deep breath and walked back out, standing in front of Wayne and the coffee table.

He couldn’t look up and meet Wayne’s concerned eyes, the shitty carpet in the trailer now growing more interesting with every passing second. The silence becoming painful and the awkward tension getting worse as Eddie frantically tried to find the words in his head.

Wayne cleared his throat saying a cautious “you alright, Eddie?” Which Eddie nodded in response. He slowly spoke, each word feeling like they weighed a thousand pounds and like they were clawing into his throat begging to stay there, hidden.

“I… I uh- so there is this guy?” He said, almost like a question at the end, immediately mentally scolding himself for the immature start.

“So there’s this guy. His name is Steve. I’m going to bring him over tomorrow.” Eddie said in a rushed voice, taking a deep breath, looking up and attempting to seem confident.

“I think I really like him Wayne…” his eyes locking into Wayne’s as he tried to detect any emotion at all. Wayne stood up and walked over to Eddie, just enveloping him in a warm, long hug. Eddie felt tears in his eyes as he realized that he wasn’t mad. Wasn’t scared. Just wanted Eddie to know he supported him. Wayne wasn’t great with sappy emotional things, this is one of the only times he has hugged Eddie since he moved in with him when his mom died.

“I love ya Eddie, and I’m sure Steve is a great guy. Now I know a lot of people might not agree with ya. So maybe keep it between the three of us for now?” Wayne said stepping back, looking away and wiping his eyes. “I uh- I just want you to know I will support you in anything and whatever you like or decide to do with your life.” Eddie could feel his own eyes starting to water as he nodded again, looking up with a heartfelt smile, and said an exasperated, “thanks Wayne.” He didn’t realize he was holding his breath till now.

“What’re you watching?” Eddie said, making his way to the couch. Trying to break out of the sappy conversation that made them both unsure of how to move forward. He sat down and listened as Wayne told him what it was and they watched together, a peaceful acceptance washing over the space. Eddie smiled as he knew this was a good place for Steve to feel welcome.

Eddie quickly made his way through the aisles picking up a few things Wayne had asked and some Halloween candy for Steve. He thanks the check out lady, giving her a warm smile and saying a cheerful, “happy Halloween!” And rushed to throw the bags in his car.

Steve was waiting for him back at the trailer and Eddie hated being away from him. He drove the agonizingly slow speed limit through town and to the trailer park. When he got home he saw Steve’s BMW in the driveway and Eddie thought for a moment as he pulled the keys out of the ignition. This is a true home. I might not have money, but I sure am rich.

He grabbed the bags out of the passenger seat and hurriedly walked to the door, fumbling with the handle and the screen door as he tried to open it. Which Wayne beat him to it, thanking him and grabbing the bags from his hands. “Alright, thanks Eddie. Steve’s been in your guys room for a minute.” Eddie smiled at him, and started to walk away, turning back as he realized he forgot Steve’s candy.

“Oh hang on. I need to grab something from one of those.” Eddie backtracked to the kitchen where Wayne had set the bags on the counter, taking stuff out to make dinner for the family. Eddie saw the orange and black detailing in the bag and yanked it out, the bag crunching and crinkling as he did.

“You want any?” He asked Wayne who shook his head no and let out a “probably later.”

Eddie walked through the trailer, down the small hallway and into his room, saying a loud, “I’m home with the good stuff!” As he burst through the door, eyes searching for his boyfriend. Who, Eddie assumed, was the lump under the blankets on his bed. He heard a small groan come from the mass, and he laughed, his head falling back as he stepped inside and shut the door. “What’re you doing down there?” He set the candy down as he crawled over trying to find where Steve’s face was so he could give him a big kiss and tell him he missed him.

“Where are you in this mess?” He said as he pulled the blanket revealing Steve’s feet by the pillows. He let out another loud chuckle as he turned to the end of the bed, slowly and carefully pulling the blanket back. Revealing a very slumped and pale looking Steve. Eddie felt his heart drop as he sat up straighter, and the words fell out faster than he could think them. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Steve shook his head no, trying to sit up but failing just giving in to his new life. He let out a mumbled and slurred voice that Eddie tried to debunk, but didn’t have much luck.

Steve peeled his eyes open, making Eddie gasp as he realized they were redder than red.

“What the fuck-“ Eddie quickly turned around and saw the wrapper on the ground that he had blissfully looked past when he came in.

It was the wrapper of a special homemade brownie that Jeff had given him a couple days ago. He felt his heart sink as he realized he may have just drugged his boyfriend.

“Steve….” Eddie said turning around to see a very out of it Steve trying to move in any way. Eddie knew what he was going through. He’s been there himself before. “Okay you need water.” Eddie rushed to the kitchen grabbing a glass of water and some crackers, stopping for just a second to tell Wayne what happened, knowing that some dinner would help sober him up.

He got back into the room ti see Steve standing up, swaying, looking at eddies guitar that was hanging up, giggling to himself.

“Oh god-“ Eddie said as he ran over and set the glass of water down on his small desk, and guided Steve back to the bed, helping him sit down. He passed the water to him and Steve looked at him like he was crazy. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

Eddie sighed and tried to hold back laughter as he said “just try to drink it okay.” Eddie watched as Steve spilled water past his lips on his chin and let out another innocent giggle. He watched as Steve let his head fall foward, lips both in the cup, blowing little bubble into the water as he leaned it forward. “Oh my god - okay-“ Eddie said taking the glass and putting it on the floor away from the bed. “Hey!” Steve said in a whiney voice.

“Give that back I was a fish.” He threw his hands up as he threw himself backwards onto the bed.

Eddie laughed and tried to keep himself contained as he looked over at Steve, mustering up his most easy going, softest voice he could muster.

“Hey Steve?”

Steve looked up from the bed, “yeah?” He said, trying to look at him through nearly closed, glassy eyes.

Eddie continued, “why did you eat that brownie?”

“Because I wanted chocolate and it was right there. And you were taking too long with the candy.” Steve said in a know it all tone, letting this head fall back on the bed again as he finished. Then sitting up again, his voice cracking as he asked “who made them anyways, they’re really good and I think I want more.”

Eddie shook his head and laughed again, “no, no, trust me- you don’t.”

“Why not???” Steve asked with a frown, head falling back again on the bed. “Are you punishing me for eating your treat. That’s fine. Whatever.” Steve said as he rolled off the bed. “Wayne would share with me.” He said as he tried to stand from the floor stumbling as he did.

“Take it easy Steve.“ he said standing up and giving Steve an arm to grab ahold of to help him balance. “That brownie… had pot in it. It was a special brownie.”

Steve turned to look at Eddie, and let out a long “ohhhh.” And giggled to himself as he started for the door, “oops” he giggled again, and gripped the doorknob, twisting it and pulling the door open.

Eddie tried to guide Steve as he stumbled out into the living room, and sat on the couch. “You’d share your brownies with me right Wayne?” He asked looking over through glazed over eyes.

Wayne laughed and nodded, stirring the pot as he did.

“You’re going to be in for a hard morning, Harrington.” Eddie said as he grabbed the remote next to him, turning on the tv for Steve. He quickly grabbed the water from his room and came back sitting down next to him.

If he thought a hang over was bad… he’s going to love this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃

#eddie munson #stranger things #steddie #steve harrington #steddie fic #oopsiesteve #steddiehalloween

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fereldanwench · 1 month ago

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just some (positive) health updates:

so got the results back from my proper physical since the T1 betes diagnosis

things all around are improving! there's a possibility i wont have to take my blood pressure meds anymore (currently testing out the lowest dosage but that's still keeping me sliiiiightly lower than ideal), and although im still anemic, that's getting better too. my hemoglobin actually went up substantially since my hospital visit (and that was actually higher than my last physical). unfortunately, i do still need to keep taking iron sups, and even the slow-release ones with food (no dairy or caffeine) just give me all sorts of stomach cramps :/

cholesterol was good, and it always is and i'm always amazed by that, lmao. one of my few genetic perks, i think, because my dad is a heavy smoker and drinker and his cholesterol is always fine, too. and no thyroid issues, which was another concern because my mom has hyperthyroidism.

there were some ketones in my urine but i anticipated that since i had to do this early in the morning and was fasting--dawn phenomenon + no fast-acting insulin since i couldnt eat + doctor stress meant my blood sugar was a little high. but i've been in range for at least 70% of the time, often more. yesterday i was in range 98% of the day! i think i've found a good insulin + exercise + diet regimen for the time being.

i also found out that i am still making some insulin on my own, which could potentially open me up to other treatments besides just insulin injections. i need to talk to an endo for more on that, though, so i gotta get an appt for her soon, hopefully within the next few weeks.

back in the day i was a crossfitter, and i was like 80% on the paleo diet then--i think that's made shifting gears back into a similar diet a little easier since i know simple meals already that i can throw together. and in some areas, this is actually less restrictive since dairy isn't off-limits and i fuckin love me some cheesy eggs. (i also know what kind of meals/meal prep are unsustainable for me so i can avoid those now.)

HIIT is unfortunately not safe for me currently with ye old anemia, but i have been adding lightish weight training back into my routine. i keep 10 lb dumbbells in my office so i can do a few sets of curls, extensions, weighted squats, etc while im waiting for coworkers to reply or shots to render. and my muscles are starting to come back :3 when i was lotioning up after my shower last night, i noticed my quad cuts are starting to come through again which has me hyped

so yeah, i'm doing pretty good right now, mentally and physically. progress, ofc, is not linear, and not all days are great (especially rn bc work is contributing to some stress), but overall, i feel very empowered and supported, and honestly, i'm probably the healthiest i've been since 2019.

#t: wench.txt

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seokiesprettygirl · 8 months ago

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Back theory | KNJ

Inspired by insanely buff Joon pictures that dropped today. Also I needed to make sure my friend can imagine what is like to feel a heavy, buff Joon on her 🤭 Love you Sam!

!Warnings: +18

Your phone buzzed in your pocket. You took it out and saw a text message from the man you have been missing so much lately.

KNJ 8:45pm I can’t wait to get out of here. Another day where I felt useless as fuck. Honestly get me out of here already.

You chuckled reading the message. You received a message like that twice a week at least. He would moan about feeling useless and wanting to get out of his military service often. There were days when he felt proud to serve and when he achieved something, you would know about it the same evening. His free time was limited and so was his time off. Because of that last time you have seen him was few months ago and when you did it was only for a short amount of time. You had a coffee and a short walk around the park and then a meal together. There wasn’t enough of alone time. One on one time. Any sexy time. You have seen he has changed. Physically and mentally. Mentally he has been softer, there has been much more yearning going on, he was needy and he would occasionally send you a text or a picture with him admitting how much he misses you. Physically he has gotten bigger, bigger in general. At first you thought it was because he wasn’t dealing well with the fact that he was locked up there for a year and a half. He would just eat more than usual and skipped workouts. But you couldn’t have been more wrong, because he spent so much time exercising that all the weight he gained was already turned into muscle. At least that’s what you saw on the very last picture you found of him online. You weren’t doing it often but you knew you could find some of the more recent pictures of him floating around the web, because the fans just like you were yearning to Kim Namjoon. They were curious how was he doing and if he has changed at all.

KNJ 8:55pm I swear the day that I am out of here will be happiest day of my life. Second happiest. The first one was when you agreed to date me.

Another messaged popped on your phone. You smiled again. You were still thinking how to comfort him through the screen of a phone. What could you possibly say to him to make him feel better, less lonely, less like he should escape that place.

‘I miss you so much, when can I see you next?’ you responded to his text and locked your phone. You were in the middle of cooking yourself very late dinner. You were so busy all day and stayed at work longer than usually and completely forgot to eat. Your phone chimed again.

KNJ 9:01pm Soon angel, soon.

You didn’t know what kind of soon he had in mind. You didn’t want to know either. The days would only go by longer and as much as you would love to count them down, it was just easier not to. You have pulled the pasta out of the pot and strained it in the sink. The sauce was also ready and you poured it all over the pasta, grabbed glass of wine that has been your cooking companion since you got home. Tomorrow was Saturday and you were really looking forward to your weekly cleaning schedule. Religiously, every Saturday you would go around your entire flat and clean every nook and cranny. It was part of your routine that helped you feel grounded and in control. Because if you didn’t manage to ground yourself this way, you would be upset, ugly crying in your pillow all day missing Joon. It was difficult. It was worse than you thought it would be. When he announced that he will have to enlist, your heart broke into millions of pieces. You were unsure whether he would even continue your relationship in this scenario. Being away from him wasn’t unusual, but it felt more restraining. You knew you wouldn’t be able to be surprised by him coming from tour one day early, or fly you over to a random concert so you could watch from backstage and spend few hours together. But this felt different. It felt like he was further away than when he was on the other side of the world. You felt empty without him, because he was your home. You didn’t live together and there weren’t any recent mentions of this to change, yet still he was your comfort. Your home. And you were his. He very rarely would open up in front of you, but when he did, he made you realised how much he appreciated you, how much he loved you and how much of a safe zone you were for him.

You finished your pasta and your wine and were considering having another glass. But you decided against it, got up from your table and cleaned up after your dinner. Your phone buzzed again and you were hoping it was Joon but it was just a junk mail, about free vouchers you can claim. Since you already had your phone out you decided to snoop about the internet again and see if there was any newer pictures of your own boyfriend. How low have you stooped and how much have you been missing him to resort to looking him up. But you couldn’t find anything new. It was getting even later in the night and after a really long and tiring weekend you decided to get in bed and unplug. You have gotten ready for bed, brushed your teeth and completed your extended skin care routine, which you have always done on the weekends. You looked at the time and it was past 10 in the evening already. You turned all the lights in the apartment and got into your really cosy bed. You thought you might have trouble sleeping, but the second your head hit the pillow you felt like you’re floating and sailing away. Before you did actually fall asleep you sent a text to Namjoon: ‘Goodnight my love’. But you didn’t wait for an answer. You knew the answer might never come, at least not this evening. You put your phone away and closed your eyes. It was time for a sweet rest you felt like you deserved after the entire week of hustling.

The door lock clicked and a pair of heavy boots walked into the flat. The thumbing didn’t last very long and it got changed for a very quiet sliding noise. Quiet steps making their way to your bedroom. And you had no idea, sound asleep. Occasionally snoring and turning around. He walked into your bedroom and stood by the door. The moonlight poking through your unevenly closed curtains, straight at the bed, lighting your sleepy face. He would of sworn he could have looked at you like that for hours. But there was no time to waste. He slowly made his way around the bed towards the somewhat empty side of the bed. He slowly put his legs on top of the duvet and slowly put all of his weight on that side of the bed. You felt it but you only moved a little and turned around to face away. You were a heavy sleeper and at this very moment Joon wished you weren’t. He slowly got himself lower on the bed and moved towards your back. He put his hand on your side and the other slid behind your head, which you automatically lifted. Like it was natural, like it was a habit of yours. He put his chin as close to your ear as he could and whispered:

‘Angel, I’m home’ and he slowly glided his hand up and down the side of you. You didn’t budge. Nothing. Still sound asleep, sweetly unaware of the surprise waiting for you in your own bed. He repeated himself one more time but still nothing. It made him chuckle, it was so endearing that you were just so fast asleep and he was also amused by his own inability to wake you up. He decided kisses surely will be the way to go. He pressed his soft lips on the nook of your neck, and he kept peppering your cheek and neck with them until you finally started moving. You turned around, feeling another person around you and his smell surrounded you. You thought you were dreaming.

‘Joon?!’ you finally got your vision back after it has been blurry for a few seconds.

‘Yes angel, I told you I will see you soon’ his low raspy voice answered you and soon after you saw his gorgeous smile, his dimples on his face and his eyes turned into half moons.

‘Is this a dream?’ you asked him, not really fully believing your luck.

‘Not a dream, im off until Sunday and I will be staying with you until then if that’s okay’ he admitted and peppered another few kisses on your cheek. It was more than okay. You were in a little bit of a shock but once you managed to process the information you jumped on him. You lifted yourself slightly and crawled on top of him, wrapping both of your arms under his back and placing your head on his chest.

‘I’ve missed you so much’ you finally spoke, hearing his heart beating really fast in his chest. You looked up and locked your eyes with his. He smiled again and leaned his head down to reach your lips. And you reached back to him and his soft lips met yours. It started sweet and soft but it very quickly started turning fast. The both of you were yearning for each other for so long and the day has finally come. Neither of you would even come up for air, you would just take quick breaths in between the rushed kisses. You quickly felt him getting excited, as you were still laying on top of him and you were sure he could felt your excitement as well, through your very thin pj bottoms. You broke the kiss and got from him and from the bed.

‘Where are you..?’ he got really confused and instantly felt abandoned, missing you next to him.

‘I need to see you. I want the light on’ you answered, turning the corner light on. Still moody, not as obnoxious light as the top light would have been. You turned around and saw him laying in your bed, in his uniform. The expression on your face changed from excited to in awe. You couldn’t comprehend that he was there, he came home, he came to see you. He woke you up in the middle of the night to see you. You walked back to the bed and sat right next to him. He pulled himself up and was now half sitting with his back to the headboard, following your every move with his eyes.

‘Here I am’ he chuckled and made a funny ‘ta da’ like pose showing himself to you. And you giggled. He was so cute and so adorable yet so insanely hot.

‘Would you mind taking this jacket off? I need to check a theory’ you said with a cheeky smile on your face and he looked puzzled. A theory? Theory of what?

‘Theory of what exactly?’ he asked slowly unbuttoning his jacket. He took his time with it, knowing exactly what he was doing to you. He knew it would drive you crazy, as much as he played such an innocent soul, he knew all the weapons he was carrying.

‘Back theory’ you answered with a smile, as your pupils grew wider and wider, whilst he was working on unbuttoning his jacket. And he finally did, dog tags fell out dangling around his neck on his black undershirt. You spotted them but then you also noticed how they are dangling in front of his now huge chest. He has definitely changed. He is bigger now. Stronger. And your brain couldn’t handle it. You squeezed your eyes closed and opened them again just to make sure you aren’t actually dreaming. He took the jacket off completely, uncovering his really broad shoulders and incredibly buffed arms.

‘Do you want me to..?’ he asked, knowing you will not be able to say no to him continuing stripping for you. The black ROKA t-shirt that was now very tight around his upper body, slowly started rolling up as he kept pulling at the top of it. And with one fast move he pulled it fast, through his head and it landed on the floor. His dog tags still around his neck, now in front of his naked huge chest.

‘FUCK’ you only managed to squeak out when you saw him dropping the shirt on the floor. He was insane. He looked insane. All those pictures you have seen of him recently didn’t give him his justice. He looked even bigger in person than on those photos. You put your hand over your opened mouth and shook your head.

You sat there, feeling your underwear getting wetter and wetter. You could call it an ocean at this point. He got up from the bed and walked all the way around it to get to you. He helped you stand up on the bed and he was still somehow taller than you, even when you were on top of the bed. You bit your lip staring deeply into his eyes and you saw he wasn’t smiling anymore. You have also spotted a tent in his camo trousers. He grabbed you and pulled you to himself and you felt his strong arms around you now. He slowly glided his hand from your knee through your thigh and slipped his hand into your bottoms. He didn’t have to look for it long and his fingers felt the ocean that was currently drowning your cunt.

‘Fuck. Youre so wet’ he whispered into your ear and pulled your bottoms completely down. You unbuckled his belt and unzipped his trousers, slowly pulling them down. And they fell down, stopping briefly at his perky ass but you helped them make their way down. He stood out of them and was now standing in front of you, only in his underwear with a very visible and feelable boner at your service.

He grabbed you, and you wrapped your legs around his hips. He turned away from the bed and pushed you to the wall. He nearly squeezed you at that wall. And started attacking your neck. Your wetness now coating his still hidden away but hard length. You wrapped your arms around him, and started exploring his back. It was rock hard, you could feel the muscles tensing whilst he was holding you and you enjoyed every second of it. You also moved your hands to his shoulders and arms to feel his soft skin and also all the places he grew. To remember it. To keep it in your closest memories. As he kept kissing your neck, he finally slowly put you down, on the floor this time, still pinning you to the wall. And he took both of your wrists into his hands and held them for a second above your head, kissed you aggressively and let go. He lowered himself on his knees and burrier himself in between your legs. Slowly moved on them onto his shoulder and held onto your other leg, slowly kissing your lower belly and reaching the sweet spot. He nudged your clit with his nose and started peppering the entire area with kisses, eventually stopping and slowly licking your folds. Very gently at first, almost like saying a polite hello to your body, acknowledging that he was gone from it for too long. But then he picked up his pace and started circulating around your clit, eventually adding a finger or two and sliding it inside you. You banged your head on the wall and moaned the second you felt his lips on your lower area. Your leg on his shoulder drove you mad but gave him more access. You put both of your hands on his head and let him explore. And be explored and took his time, like a thirsty adventurer who hasn’t been home in weeks. Like his life depended on it. And when he felt like he was finished and your knees started to shake and he was slowly pushing you into an orgasm he stopped.

He pulled himself out of you, smirked and slowly moved you from the wall to the bed. And he pushed you, delicately but he still pushed you on the bed and you fell on your front. He followed you right away and trapped you under the weight of his body. He laid his body on yours, pulled his hard length out of his underwear and aimed it right at your entrance. Slowly slid inside you, grabbing you into his arms and pushing into himself. He kept sliding until he got to your cervix. Balls deep inside you. But he didn’t move, he freezes there. He lets you adjust to him, and when he does he can hear your whimpers and moans. When he feels you relaxed around him he started moving his his hips and he started thrusting into you. And he didn’t take him time, he picked up his pace at the same time kissing your back, up your spine.

‘Joon…’ you whimpered, feeling his huge bulky body on top of yours, thrusting the life in and out of you.

‘Little bit longer angel’ he grunted into your back. He pulled out of you and entered again, really deep, reaching the deepest ends of you. And be picked up the pace again, now ramming into you. Wet skin sounds slapping fills the room, mixed with his grunts and your moaning. And he finally reaches forward with his arm and putting his fingers on top of your clit. That was when you couldn’t hold it anymore. You closed your eyes and pushed your ass higher up almost trying to escape him and your body got flooded with ecstasy. You kept moaning and whining and he wouldn’t stop. He kept going and then be pulled himself up and grabbed your hips and added another thrust or two before he reached his top and painted you inside. Painted you white and kept going for a few more minutes.

Your heavy breathing filled the room and he pulled out, slowly turned you around and placed you on the bed. He cleaned himself up with his black tshirt that was still on the floor and disappeared in the bathroom. He came back with warm towel and he wiped your legs and tummy with it.

After that he moved you slightly to the side and got into bed right next to you. His strong arm wrapped you around and you folded forward laying your head on his chest again.

‘Your back is ridiculously buffed Joonie’ you whispered slowly petting his chest with your palm.

‘There is nothing better to do in that shithole angel’ he murmured back ‘but i also liked the look of your back tonight angel’ he added and put his hand into yours and planted a soft kiss on your forehead.

‘I’m so happy you are here’ you added, you closed your eyes and wrapped yourself around him, dozed off back to sleep.

#bts #kim namjoon x reader #rm #kim namjoon #fanfiction #fanfic #smut #buff namjoon

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