#like. theres no reason to feel bad. ive been so much worse

[justablix]

.

[arolesbianism]

I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me

[mostlikelyshutup]

... (absolutely useless rant in tags)

[snekdood]

Quite honestly, i think people just dont like to acknowledge how many times i have been victimized bc it doesnt work for their narrative of the Scary Bad Trans Guy With No Regard For Others And Likes To Kick Puppies And Doesnt Know Real Pain Or Trauma

[neucours]

hello anti-radqueer community

i am a radqueer (well technically radqueer-adjacent) and i'm considering leaving the rqc. i apologize if i am invading your tags /gen if you are interested in listening to my thoughts you can read below, asks/comments/reblogs are welcomed

i feel like im in a situation where both sides don't look good so i just have to choose the 'less worse' one. i dont feel safe in this community much anymore, i get spikes of feeling safe an then spikes of wanting to leave. i've been harassed by people inside the rqc and antis so now my question is.. where do i even belong?

i have i guess what's called atypical dysphoria, as well as psychosis which does not help, which is why i got so attached to transids and the reason i was led into joining the rqc. but i just. cant. with this community anymore.

what really made me question why i was in the rqc was that most people within the community believing that kids/animals etc can consent. i think i turned somewhat of a blind eye to things when i first joined, i had made the huge decision of finally leaving my grxmer and shortly after (like maybe 2 weeks after? i dont remember) is when i ended up joining. i was not in a good state mentally so i just ignored everything bad i guess? but then i felt awful from times, because there were said that just remind me of my ex.

but why dont i just leave? i dont even know how to put everything into words. but a big reason is the fact that i see lots of anti-rqs (not trying to say its all, obviously.) judging, hating, even harassing rqs and i just dont want to be apart of that. because i know there is people in the rqc that are like me. another reason i was scared to leave is because of that, if the anti-rqs hate me and dont want me then why would i ever leave the rqc? its the only place that seemed to want me.

it seemed like the only place that supported me for being a para and having atypical dysphoria. it was the only community that seemed.. safe?

i also dont want to hide my dysphoria.. if i hide it, theres a chance ill go back to identifying as transids and rejoin the rqc. i know there is transid alternatives (which im not super educated on the details of them) but i dont have dysphoria about one, two or a handful of things. im dysphoric or experience delusions about so many things and will people still accept me if i identify as a lot of transid alternative based identities?

idk maybe im just stupid and overthinking it, but its really not that easy to just say "oh yea lemme leave this community." or well im sure it might be for some people but for me, someone who has been in it for.. over a year now actually! its hard to leave the community who seems to love me and join a community that probably has a bunch of people who hate me (since ive been harassed on more than one occasion)

thank you anyone who read this far, i apologize if anything was worded poorly as i had a bit of a hard time writing this and i wouldnt be surprised if there is mistakes. as stated in the beginning, if you want to send an ask, comment, or reblog please feel free too! i will try to respond

anyone may interact. the only people i do not want PERSONALLY interacting (like commenting, reblogging, or sending asks) is fdc or sc users/supporters, sorry!

[pumpkinsy0]

Autistic cherry hcs pleek :3 + any other mental illness’ + neurodiversity you can see her have if you have any in mind. basically just a deep dive on her psyche but also autistic cherry #real

im ngl i barely rlly think about her so my thoughts may change but aye,,,lemme cook,,,

yknow i could actually see cherry havingg 3 major things, anxiety, imposter syndrome, and seasonal depression

BUT FIRST THE AUTISM!!!

when it comes to cherry, theres two ways u can see it, either she gets diagnosed as a kid or she doesnt, and since i feel like i would be going down the same rabbit whole as before talking about her not being diagnosed, ill just say she is!!!

she was diagnosed as a kid and her parents dont look too highly on anything that goes against the norm, anything that “makes them look bad” they want to have the perfect life and the perfect daughter, so they just tell her to “act normal”. cherry had basically been masking her wholleeee life, partially bc shes forced by society and her parents, part bc she wants to. any yknow what??? she does a damn good job of it!! when it comes to her stims, theyre things ppl write off, clicking a pen, her humming, and her chewing gum is just her trying to keep it together when shes overstimulated.

is her autism something shes open about??? nope, i dont think so, nobody outside her immediate family rlly knows about it and she would like it to stay that way cause she doesnt want to be knows as “the girl w that condition” she wants to be seen as herself, yknow??? i dont think thats something she grows up to rlly accept about herself either, the ppl around her never taught her how to accept it, so it would b very hard for her to do it on her own</33

when it comes to her special interest btw, i can totally see her like french history!! especially when it comes to the fashion (specifically rocco i would think) and the revolution, i cant explain it, she just gives off the vibe. maybe its bc i hc her as half french??? perchance????? POINT IS, shes super into it!!! she has some old letters from past family members from france around that time she looks at allllll the time, its like her prized possesion

when it comes to cherrys anxiety, its comes from a multitude of things, ive already mentioned the societal pressure shes under so i wont go into that, but what also runs along w her anxiety is her impostor syndrome!! cherry is a girl who genuinely wants to work for what shes got, she doesnt want it handed to her on a silver plater. but she never knows 100% if shes actually working hard for something and got it all by herself bc of her own skills or if she was just pushed to the top for being a pretty soc. and it was only worse when shes in hs, bc all shes known as is a result of her family being popular in town and or her being a cheerleader, noticed mainly bc of her looks, both r superficial reasons. she has no room to show who she truly is and thats suffocating to her, making her question if the relationships around her r genuine, she will lowkey quiz ppl close to her about herself to see if they really listen to her and the only two ppl who passed was marcia and bob

nowwww w the seasonal depression to b fair, she did get better. she got depression, got TECHNICALLY better, and now shes got seasonal depression. not much i can say for this part tbh and thats bc a lot of ppl think she isnt depressed. she keeps on pushing like eveythings ok just to get ppl off her back so they ask no questions, but when shes alone, she clings onto this sweater of bobs and his cologne and wishes he was there. she keeps pushing for his sake though, she knows he wouldnt wanna see her all down in the dumps, no many how many times hes upset her.

[schizosupport]

this is going to be very long and rambly, i apologize. you can answer any, all, or no parts of it, i guess i just really need to blurt it all out to *someone*

for the past 3 or 4 years, ive been having mild (?) transient stress related psychotic symptoms. i suspect i have a cluster b pd which could possibly cover that

at first it was mostly paranoia i think ? usually the standard "theyre out to get me" type thoughts, both with people i knew and nebulous entities i couldnt define. it doesnt happen too frequently, but it seems to have gotten worse with time. this past fall / winter was especially bad bc i was already doing poorly mental health wise and was very isolated. a lot of the thoughts are still paranoia based, but some lean more towards delusions now (e.g. being afraid of the music i left to play from my phone speakers bc i felt it was hunting me down) as well as some that are fully bizarre (e.g. believing that ive been an angel stuck inside a human body my whole life, thinking theres a force field around my apartment thats keeping me stuck inside). for a while there was also this... pervasive sense of unreality almost ? like i would get frustrated that things werent operating on dream logic, or have difficulty differentiating dreams and reality in general. for the past couple months since then, ive had pretty much no issues

i always retain Some grasp on reality, whether its full on double booking or a vague sense of "something is wrong with me right now", which is enough for me to hide away from people and try to calm myself down and ground myself back to reality (... can you even do that with "real" delusions ? talk yourself out of them ?). the symptoms only last a few hours "at their peak", though the unsteady / unreality feeling may stick around for days or weeks surrounding that. im still able to be mostly functional for that part though. as such, nobody knows about any of this.

i just. i dont know. i dont have a therapist (i need one). im too afraid telling my friends will change their views on me irreparably even though they too struggle with (other) deeply stigmatized mental health issues. ive spent a lot of my childhood being called insane and incapable and i dont want it to happen again after ive finally found people that respect me. im worried ill have a full on psychotic break at some point (what the hell counts as "a break" ? can i call what ive been through "episodes" ?), or lose my ability to double book, or display symptoms in front of people i know. i just dont know what to do so im. spilling it out all here. so someone at all besides me knows

-- elias

Hey there,

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

It definitely sounds to me like you are experiencing some level of psychotic symtoms, and it sounds like it's causing you significant distress. You asked whether you can "talk yourself out of" a "real delusion" - and well, not as such, until the delusion passes, but they can be more or less long-lived and come with more or less insight.

The types of episode that only last a couple hours at full intensity are sometimes referred to as micropsychoses. When people talk about "a psychotic episode" it usually refers to a prolonged loss of reality that may last days, weeks or even months. But plenty of people on the schizo- and psychosis spectrum don't experience full-blown psychotic episodes. That doesn't make their psychosis un-serious, and it also isn't a given that these people will go on to develop worse psychotic symptoms.

I think one of the reasons the diagnosis of schizotypal exists, is because we needed to acknowledge that not every person's endpoint on the schizo-spectrum is schizophrenia, but that doesn't mean that their experience doesn't come with distress or disability.

I think you could try to do a vibe check with your friends to see how they react to the concept of psychosis and psychotic disorders. If they seem cool, then you could try to bring up your own experiences. It might be nice to be able to talk about those things, and get to experience that it doesn't have to be the end of the world, and not everyone will judge you for it.

I hope you all the best, anon!!

[shreddeddescent]

in terms of the vagueness of raph's specific sexual abuse, i think ive been a bit wishy washy on how i talk about it (as ive... changed my mind on the specifics as ive gotten into writing more bits, canon and drafts and whatever be damned, i think ive pieced it together)

lemme like write out the timeline for how i think it all went down

uh. warnings for... csa. obviously.

so to kind of cement it out, raph started being sexually abused by his father at 8 years old. he barely remembers it because his splintered personality shit started at 6, when his mother "died". im unsure on if raph is even the original personality. what makes more sense? that raph was being beaten by his father so he'd stop crying over his dead mother and invented a CHILD to take that abuse? or that he invented a new PARENTAL persona to deal with it after? im honestly NOT sure what the answer is. maybe its both, who fucking knows. HE sure wouldnt.

the abuse from his father is what kind of kept him in line, so to speak, but also caused so many of those anger issues he has. the issues he puts ELSEWHERE.... if he fucks up? hes punished. if his brothers fuck up? hes punished. he doesnt remember the punishment, but he knows to stay in line. hes a good little soldier. its not something that happened in front of his brothers, but it might have been loud enough they could hear... something. as little as they would understand.

when hes 12 they realize somethings different about him, because leos puberty has become more obvious than his. maybe he blames leo for his own problems ever being discovered. maybe thats why hes EXTRA mad about leos physical body.

(i also apologize for the way ive overly dramatized the sexual-dimorphism, its gotten a bit out of hand since the start but SHRUG it helps to show things over dramatically)

but when that part is realized, the sexual abuse under his father becomes different. thats when it's less about controlling him, and more about it being his purpose. doesnt happen in beds or in the dojo anymore, it happens in LABS after that, it happens to test him. to see if things will work. hes experimented on in terms of... being under a scope. having his body never feel like his own. hes sexually abused medically after that, if that makes sense. this builds up the phobia of labs and doctors and medical treatment.

and the reason the same kind of controlling sexual abuse never happened to leo is because of the part where he's already been disappointing enough, shredder knew that wouldnt fucking matter. there was never an idea in shredders mind that it would work, so he just takes worse beatings than raph did. and besides, shredder quickly realizes once he cant be used as a donor, leos the best option he has.

but shredder's lack of thinking of raph as a person causes him to say too much, thinking raph wouldnt fucking care what happened to him, let alone his brothers. so he tells raph that leo's going to take over for that. or he tells SOMEONE inside raph that that's what will happen.

but as soon as raph learns that part, its time to leave. hes okay enough to get them all out, okay enough to cope with the complete change in lifestyle, and then he starts to deteriorate.

his mother didnt help the situation, like she tried in her own way, but raphs shitty brain trying to process that the father he barely remembers raping him has also abused and beat and raped and tried to kill her? it makes him lock that shit up tighter. its not about him, in his eyes. to him? his mother saved him. shes the hero of his life. he had a bad parent, he has a good parent. she has to be just as good as he was evil. thats how he sees it.

to his brothers? raph saved them. theres this nice mom here, but... its been 6 years. they dont know the worst shit their dad did to her (cuz they shouldnt, theyre fucking children) but they know they had no adults for 6 fucking years of their childhood. so she does not get the hero treatment from them. which in turn, makes raph resent them.

raph processing all that with his fucked up brain turns him into a fucking maniac who puts all the blame on leo, despite none of it being leos fault. while his awake/most conscious brain has blocked out being raped and being told leo would rape him, he still has that fear and anger and resentment. he feels it, but so much of it goes into slash. and slash processes that shit worse. slash is ready to protect himself at all times, if slash sees leo make a face, leos getting hit. if leo pisses raph off too much, slash is coming out and leos getting hit. its bad. leo doesnt actually deserve any of that ire, he did nothing wrong, he just doesnt help the situation by being a traumatized kid who's only outlet is poking fun at his abusive older brother.

its great when casey comes along, because its a new outlet for raph, hes so much less angry because hes out of the house, hes away from his family, hes letting out years of pent up rage and aggression, and hes in some kind of sexual situation that he actually wants to be in. so he's balancing himself out with her help. she is good for him.

so for about 2 years raph is just... avoidant. and no one minds, because hes better than he was. he still has moments of anger, but the hitting stops. he gets along with leo in so far as they can hang out in a group setting with their brothers. they absolutely both prefer the twins to each other, but theyre... okay. they all kind of know they're an abused family, no one really says it. who would want to? they kind of accept each others quirks, and its lucky theres no adult men in this house to set anyone off. literally no one in that house would be able to handle a man raising his voice.

and then raph remembers pieces. and then it all kind of... clicks into place. and then he realizes its not about leo at all, and he apologizes. and leo realizes why raph's been like that. and then they reconnect, and then theyre finally brothers. leos the only person (other than casey) that really knows about the sexual abuse at that point. so now raph has two people he trusts like that.

and thats kind of where we're at. thats the baseline for everything.

[aftonfamilyvalues]

I have a sort of conspiracy theory about liberal feminism that I need to get off my chest. The whole "pick me vs girls girl" culture is actively creating TiFs.

Women who don't fit into certain standards society holds have been shamed for it since the beginning of time, but now rejecting femininity is being seen as anti feminist. Girls who aren't even putting down other women are called nlogs and pick me's just because they're awkward and kind of tomboyish.

Look at Jlaw. She was shamed out of the public eye for acting like an actual human and not a walking caricature of womanhood (eating pizza and falling down on the red carpet). There's an audio going around being mocked on tiktok where a woman rightfully says "I don't like makeup. I think it's bad for women". I've seen nasty comments under Korean feminist insta posts where the women in question are smashing their makeup or wearing comfortable clothing and talking openly about it.

I genuinely think this is the reason why a lot of girls believe themselves not to be female. Since it's shameful and cringy to not be feminine as a woman in the year of our Lord 2024, it would logically be better to think of yourself as a man or some in between thing. Tomboys are basically an endangered species at this point and it's really really sad. Little girls aren't climbing trees or playing in the mud. They're playing with skincare and makeup. I truly feel like I'm living in a black mirror episode and it's scary.

Sorry for the long winded rant. I'm semi crypto on main and wanted to put this out there. I dunno why I sent this to the "I want to make a milkshake out of copia's cum" account but I don't really know anyone else who gets insane anons like you do. x

i think youre right though, there is definitely a backlash against feminism right now that comes in the form of hyper femininity and capitalism.

if you dont wear makeup, youre a childish loser who needs to learn how to put on eyeliner. if you dont shave, encourage other women to not shave, youre bombarded with women with "sensory issuee" and are just as bad as a patriarchal man. if you dont like pink, you have internalized misogyny. if you say anything about how high heels damage your feet, youre shaming women. if you talk about how womens clothes are made worse than mens, just go shop in the mens section! stop doing anything, stop going against the quo, let women do what they want! dont question anything!

and in more recent years, ive been seeing the evidence of this seeping into girls younger and younger. we now have little girls begging for drunk elephant and sephora items, to shop where the adult women shop. honestly i didnt even know what drunk elephant was until i saw a girls christmas list on here. theyre spending adult with a job money on products, whether it be from saved allowances and or from their parents. i just saw a video about a 9 year old girl getting bullied for having a tumbler from walmart and not one of the expensive trendy stanley cups. there was always an issue with bullying over not having name brand but i feel like its gotten so much worse. and thats not even talking about the "skincare" aspect of it.

theres so much to say about this but they really did rebrand capitalism as being woman positive though.

[throughtartaruswithyou]

PJO show review (because you care)

hmm I think the time has arrived for me to put my thoughts into words on this bad boy. Ive had some thoughts swirling around since the show finished but i felt like i needed to sit on them before putting them out into the big wide world.

I think the show was mid.

before we get up in arms- mid does not mean bad!! theres countless shows which are worse, and some that are better. honestly, mid means more interesting. lets do a good old fashion pros and cons list:

PROS

LOVED the casting. I think the casting was spot on- uncle rick did not disappoint in that category. age, appearance, demeanour, everything was working for me. I honestly agree with every single casting choice. (even lin-manual miranda ik ik)

Contrary to popular belief, I think the pacing was good. I'm not mad they cut scenes from the book. I think it'll encourage more people to read it. game of thrones did a similar thing (cut a bunch of scenes) and I think it helps preserve the independence of the two PJO mediums. Ya some scenes would've been cool but I'm not totally pissed about any cuts.

Set was good. set design felt authentic without trying too hard. No one really mentions the set when they review the show but like the set was really good?? CONS The biggest con for me is that it felt like they undercut Annabeth ALOT. shes supposed to be the wise girl, but for some reason sally was the one telling percy about the mythology? and hes telling it to annabeth? huh? and grover also seems way more knowledgeable than her. I was really disappointed by this theme- especially because it seemed to come up often. the only scene where she really showed her smarts was in the hephestus amusement park gate-trap thingy. it made her character seem under-powered compared to percy. Also she didnt use her dagger enough imo.

the show vs tell issue. this has been brought up alot so I wont go into it too much but ugh. I understand the show is aimed at kids but kids deserve good media too. kids aren't dumb. they can afford to let the episodes go a little longer to allow some of those plot points to build! give the watchers a sense of mystery then the satisfying feel of discovery! I noticed this especially in the lotus casino episode. I wish they didnt tell us about the lotus flowers right off the bat. the scene could have been so much better with that little change.

The delay on season 2! this isn't even just me being an impatient fan I have a genuine worry they actors are gonna age up too much. they all already look older and I just hope they wont have to age up the characters. esp for season 3- which they should get renewed ASAP since it should take place in the winter after season 2. not so much the teams fault but I hope they wont get too rushed by the timeline. esp since i know it's important to rick to have age-accurate casting.

overall I thought the show was mid to well-done and if season 1 is the worst season we might have a great lil' show on our hands. also disney pls renew season 3!!!! i pinky promise i'll watch it.

[kazumasougi]

i feel like theres something to be said about how i and many other poc ive spoken to had to take longer to come to terms with what gender means because theres such a western perception of gender thats been forced on us. every discussion on gender nonconformity we’re allowed to participate in has always been centered around white people and their standards for beauty; meanwhile those of us that aren’t white are meant to conform to their labels despite that gender means different things to people from different parts of the world.

this isn’t even exclusive to trans people of color: if youve ever been a south asian girl in a predominantly white country then i don’t doubt there’s been times where you’ve questioned what being a woman actually means. ive lived that. and despite the identity ive chosen for myself now there were still times where i felt like it wasnt even possible for me to be a woman because white beauty standards dictate that dark body hair on women is bad and women shouldnt have facial hair and big noses are unbecoming of women and so on and so forth.

and i think to make matters worse, the only form of trans representation we’re allowed is white trans people; even in communities where we’re supposed to be seen, we can’t see ourselves. its partly for this reason that i’ve always had stronger feelings about seeing people of color on the screen than i ever have about white trans people— even if the people of color in question are cishet, they understand my feelings on gender in ways that i dont think a lot of white trans people can even comprehend.

and further on that topic i’ve always found it fascinating that a lot of white trans people in this community feel like big noses, body hair, thicker eyebrows, etc on women is masculine, how men having longer hair or being soft spoken and polite is inherently feminine, and they’ll parade that as their form of being gnc— and i have to wonder how many of these people have considered that a lot of these features are far more prominent in people of all genders in certain ethnic groups, or is an inherent influence of culture in other countries. it feels almost like we’re being put up in an exhibit to be gawked at. i don’t think the features of the body i was born with make me inherently masculine, rather my chosen expression with it, but that’s not something a lot of white people seem to see. there is so much pressure on us to submit to their standards of what gender and gender non-conformity means to them, and i really wish that was a more frequent subject of discussion in the trans community.

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Ive made through chapters 4-7 today and good god, I feel like i had basically nothing to say about acotar as I was reading it but with this book theres so much to talk about for some reason, its wild. Truly, I did not realize how much I liked Feyre in the first book until I was under threat of losing her

Now, I will say that Feyre seems in-character so far, shes still the same woman but traumatized, but I am worried for her. Tamlin is a whole different story though, SJM might as well shoot him dead right in front of me for how thoroughly hes being character assassinated. Like, if Tamlin actually cares about Feyre as a person and not just in a douchy, possessive alphahole way, which he should because Tamlin was not that kind of guy previously, then he would force Feyre to train so she can defend herself if necessary, not forbid her from it. Even if he didnt want her to use her magical powers, surely he would make her practice with her knife or with a sword or even with her bow just to be safe, because hes not always gonna be there

I think his actions do continue to make sense if you look at them from his perspective, but I also maintain that he's doing a really bad job at responding to Feyre. But also, its so laughably obvious what sjm is doing by having Tamlin say shit like "you were stolen from me", shes trying to paint him as some objectifying asshole. Even Lucien calling her "Tamlin's bride" feels like its part of all this, and I know Ianthe is gonna turn out to be a traitor and a rapist at some point, so it really comes across as an attempt to villify the entire spring court for its association with Tamlin

Speaking of Lucien, I genuinely think part of the reason Feylin is doing so badly in this book is that his dynamic with Tamlin is completely different now. For some reason hes all like "oh, my High Lord" instead of "my good friend Tamlin", he suddenly cant say a word against him when he was talking to shit to him just a few months ago in-uinverse. Like, if their dynamic was the same as it was in acotar, Lucien wouldve probably been like "hey man, I know youre stressed and I get it, I know what its like to watch the love of my life get brutally murdered I dont know what its like to have her magically ressurected again but thats neither here nor there, but Feyre is clearly not happy being inside all day and you need a break, go take her out on a date in the woods, I'll stay here and take care of everything, dont even worry about it" or gotten him to comprise with Feyre or chill tf out or SOMETHING but because theres suddenly this rigid hierarchy in the spring court in order to make the night court look better

Speaking of the night court, Ive heard some stuff about it feeling very orientalist but it still managed to completely blindsight me with its badness. Feyre got fucking harem pants to wear, really? And a short-sleeved croptop, and no fucking shoes, probably because Rhys didnt want Feyre throwing shoes at him again. That was the one moment in this book that brought me genuine joy btw, I would read a thousand fanfics about her just throwing shit at him

Anyway, speaking of my guy (derogatory) Rhysand Nolastname, hes so incredibly annoying I dont even have any coherent thoughts about him right now, like, if I were to write down what I think of him I would just write "he fuckinh pisses me off" over and over again. Im actually a really big fan of edgy shadow bois, but only if theyre like, sad and angry and closed off, if theyre like Rhysand and theyre all flirty and teasing and cocky and shit, theyre just annoying and nothing else. And the romance has barely even started yet, I cant imagine how much worse the flirting is gonna get later. Not to mention all these desperate and obvious attempts by sjm to make him sympathetic and morally good now, its honestly pretty pathetic

Now Im gonna be real with you, I didnt get a lot of sleep yesterday and I can feel myself and the things Im writing getting less and less coherent, so Im just gonna hit you with the very last of my thoughts bullet point style

The fact that Amarantha apparently didnt actually go rogue and it was all part of Hybern's plan feels misogynistic ngl

Ianthe's entire character already feels so misogynistic and slutshame-y and she hasnt even assaulted anyone yet

Something about Mor bothers me, I cant quite put my finger on it but its there. I think I do like her for annoying Rhys though

God, Im gonna have so much to say about the Illyrians but for now, its awfully bold of Rhysand to be like "they wasted no time throwing themselves before her feet" when THATS WHAT HE DID

Thats it for now

[arolesbianism]

Some Brute doodles plus a bonus Button

[commander-gloryforge]

hm (kinda a rant/vent/i just wanna get things off my chest and actually TALK about whats been bothering me)

so. theres this person that has kind of been the cause of my recent mental lows/imposter syndrome getting worse/fear of connecting to people and general distance from literally every community i enter. i think ive ranted about them before. theyre a writer and in a community i used to be active in, and in the beginning i got along pretty well with them because we both enjoyed similar themes and metaphors in our writing but they ended up kind of dropping me, coincidentally at the same time they gave my actual writing/current wip a shot, and ever since then theyve been sub posting about me in really weird and elitist ways and it kind of had ruined my spirit, especially considering that i did really look up to them as a writer since theyre very into actual technicalities, writing theory, they speak about writing very academically. their odd vague posting ended up seriously knocking down my confidence and ive been spiraling into this strange mindset ever since that i’m incredibly stupid/can never improve/am not a real or proper writer by virtue of the things i write. they talk highly about writing techniques and concepts every writer needs to know, very subtly punch down at those who dont seem to know, yet dont care to make that knowledge easy to understand or accessible to obtain.

on top of that theyve been getting quite close with another new friend i made recently thats very dear to me and seeing them talk about things i cant seem to keep up with because i am too ‘stupid’ has just made me very anxious and brought up old feelings and fears that ive worked very hard on to let go off. this person is keeping me from interacting with a community i love because i cant seem to get ovr the fact that some people just dont like me, because im getting paranoid, because i think their every word is directed towards me, because theyre popular and well liked and everyone always agrees with them, even when what they say goes against what what i do and like.

it really sucks, its been bothering me so much, especially the fact that i cant just let it go. that i cant just ignore them and move on and do what i like without feeling like its wrong or cringe or weird. everytime i think im ready to go back i suddenly see them talking again with my friends that have offered me so much support whenever ive opened up about my struggles and now they suddenly agree and praise that person for having opinions that directly oppose me and the things they were so keen on supporting me on.

but recently i remembered something they said. they said that they dont want to be self indulgent in their writing, that ‘there’s nothing necessarily wrong with self indulgence but it reflects in the writings quality’, that you can ‘tell’ and they dont like that. when they first posted that i just read it and went. oh :( my writing is self indulgent :( does this reflect in my quality as well? is that why they dropped my writing and me, because i like being loud about self indulgence and cringe? and now i remembered that post, and suddenly it kind of clicked

this person very obviously does not write for the same reason as i do. they very obviously do not feel about writing thhe way i feel about it. they talk about it as though it is a science. like its something that needs to be perfected. now, it’s clear that they do love writing, that they have a passion for it, and their technical knowledge very much reflects on their art- and that impresses people. im not like that. i want to learn writing techniques and i want to improve my craft and i want to be taught, properly so, i obviously want to be a good writer, and im going to be a little self obsessed and say that i am a good writer, or at least not a bad one. but there is a difference in how each of us sees writing.

i want to be self indulgent. i want to write what i love. i fucking love writing and story telling and yes, the fact hat my writing is self indulgent does impact the quality of my work, because it makes it better. i am passionate about my worlds and stories and characters because its exactly what i want it to be and thats why is fucking good. because it makes me want to put effort in and learn how to get better. i dont write for a grade, i dont write to make something perfect and deep and meaningful and serious, i dont write to impress someone, i dont write to squeeze as many smart things and references to classic literature in as i can, i write because i want to fucking write what i like.

so im stupid. so im cringe and bad and insecure and a loser and i dont fit into the good writers club but at least what i write makes me happy. whatever. let some fucking whimsy into your life and stop treating me like im an idiot for having different motivations than you.

[harrypotterfuryroad]

Im still not sure about the predstrogen thing, I've seen many people say there wasnt nsfw selfies on their blog (I have no idea whats true) and they were banned for a set of selfies that were (as ive seen them passed around) obviously just innocent, regular pics, specifically showing their transition before and after. I think staff was unreasonable to go scorched earth on this one person, especially considering it went all the way up to the CEO for fairly benign behavior - their "threat" was basically saying "ugh i hope staff dies in a looney tunes explosion" out of frustration, which isnt a credible threat to me, just blowing smoke. Ppl have been saying theres a conspiracy to mass report transwomen's blogs which i cant tell what is true, they seem to be getting flagged for nsfw content, but that means someone is intentionally reporting their blog - the culprit is "TERFs" of course... I havent seen radfems waste much time with reporting TIM blogs just for coexisting on tumblr, usually ive seen radfem tumblr try and do a reporting campaign for someone sending death threats to radfems, that kind of misconduct you know....but someone must have flagged their blog in the first place somehow. a mysterious and convaluted situation methinks

yeah obv there's a difference between what he said and like, posting a detailed plan about how to make that happen, but bottom line is that it still passed the threshold of a threat and he's not the one responsible for keeping the rules on this site

staff might not have had to go scorched earth on him but he was (and i mean this in the most literal sense and not at all metaphorically or in a victim blaming way) asking for it

but of course this is just gonna feed the narrative that tims on this site are uniquely victimized despite having every corner of the community tiptoeing around their feelings (and despite the fact that they are far from the only people who get randomly or wrongfully terminated)

like, this is how it's getting spun:

like warped beyond recognition to support their story that "transfems" are the first and only people to face this kind of treatment

so everything is about to become way more transphobic pretty soon (in that everything will be labeled as transphobia, not that anything will actually change)

and about harassment campaigns - yeah i've never seen anything close to a "terf" mass report campaign, but i have seen users get targeted by mass reporting for really dumb reasons, i get worse anons than the threat that kicked this off almost every day, and i've seen the radfem tags clogged by coordinated campaigns to make it so they'll never be functional, so i think that's a bit of hit dogs hollering. if your only answer to anything is mass report campaigns, then you'll tell yourself that's what's happening to you when something bad happens. so yeah like you said it's very conspiracy theory

interesting tho when you factor in what he dropped about the "transphobic" mod - we've kept hearing about the secret terf on staff for forever with little to no evidence, and then he just casually drops that yeah they had to fire someone on their mod team for being transphobic. no detail so it's not really much to go off of, and it's not like that really shielded anyone from bizarro mod practices, and i've still never been able to find evidence of the secret terf on staff beyond "someone on the mod team liked a post about hufflepuff traits" but i'm sure they're gonna take that admission and run with it

[kaleidosouls]

SU reclaimed pearl rambles

im gonna use some annoying comments i got on my reclaimed pearl as a springboard for what i think could be interesting discussion because i think its good to engage with criticism/different opinions. but also if you talk to me like an asshole i want you to fuck off and i promised i wouldnt engage in that kind of stuff bc its not good for me and it doesnt Look good for me either.

so i can talk about my thoughts but not engage directly, win win. its been months but im still really fond of the pearl i made specially this art. like it coudl be better but i like it well enough. just a little header so this isnt a boring post with only text

i think like, its good to establish ground rules that like, i think most of the poor reactions ive seen towards my art were missing, mostly in bad faith probably but in case theres ppl who earnestly want to understand. actually maybe i can format it like a little FAQ even though theyre not frequent or asked lskdjg just for outlining my points. ill put it behind a cut but ill frontline w this: if youre a fan of pearl in the show, this content is not for you. youre allowed to like whatever you want and so am i. if you like her, we probably wont get along and you probably will feel very personally irritated by how i FEEL about her, so just walk away now. im not gonna engage with petty shit taht juts boils down to 'im mad you dont like what i like'

onwards to more rambling / sorta responding to some criticism

i scrolled back and i guess i sorta never have actually done a proper full explanation post about this AU have i? or maybe i have and deleted it, i forgor

why did you change pearl?

because i hate her, simple as. i went from a huge SU fan to hating watching it (i did finish) and pearl is probably The biggest reason why, as like issues with her character seep into other aspects of the show that i also hate. like i mean i Realyl hate her. she makes the experience of watching the show really irritating and miserable for me. if you dont feel taht way about her thats totally normal and whatever but no one is gonna change my experience and feelings that i had watching SU since the 1st season was coming out.; anyway answering. there is a Lot i love about SU and want to engage with, so i had the idea of like,maybe ill just change pearl, cause i wanted to delete her, really, but she is one of the main characters and she hasa function as a character that you cant just do away with. essentially im just like, some guy, who draws, coping and trying to reclaim his teenage investimetn in this show. literally its just for ME. but if anyone else feels like i do, then they can enjoy it too. if somoene doesnt feel like i do, go watch like pearl fancams or smth. like ill never be able to literlaly change the show as it is, like its happened, and its a tragedy im trying to move on from (begrudgingly)

why do you hate pearl?

the long laundry list of reasons are probably apparent in the ways i remade her lol (theyre not i can tell ppl are gonna project whatever worst bad faith reason for any change i make) but tbh the core of it is this, which is like, beyond whatever traits she has and whatever: she reminds me of my abusers. always had, from season 1, but like it became worse as the series went on. its like really infurating and upsetting to watch SU bc of her. had my abusers been a different kind of person, maybe i wouldnt hate her so much (kinda doubt tbh). like her personality and behavior are like hough disgosting!!

why did you change (some physical trait about her design)?

i dont really necessarily have a PROBLEM with canon pearls design. over the years ive come to like SU's style less and less but like, gestures, whatever. like i didnt like it or anything but its not like a bit deal compared to the actual offender that is her personality and behavior. the reason i redesigned her at all is bc like, if i hadnt, i would still be thinking about the way she is in canon all the time. like ive visually associated her like, appearance with all the shit about her thta makes me upset so i had to so she didnt look like the same person anymore, and i can try to let go of some of the hatred in my heart. like i want to think about the thigns about SU that i loved and also the potential i always saw in it and canon pearl is like, an active obstacle to that, to the point taht i cant even see her without getting like irked. i tried to keep enough similar traits so from a glance youd be like, who the fuck- is that pearl? rather than like. completely change her entirely to whatever i wanted. i do want to like, its a creative exercise. i want to try and change the things that would make me happy to see gone but try to work within the constraints of the SU we Did get as much as i can tolerate. bc like.... if the sky was the limit then at this poin wed just have to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch. like its kinda not really very salvageable, like im not rewirting SU to be like a Good show or fix Everything, its kinda too broken. im just chnaging enough so i can look at the actual show, screenshots, songs etc, and not feel overcome wtih like the grief and irriatation of how much it sucked ass. its just so i can enjoy more of it again

i dont like your redesign for (insert reason)

cool. thanks for your input. youre welcome! eat my asshole. seriously though, like, shrugs. i didnt make it for anyone other than myself. tbh im not fully satisfied with it either bc i think the SU style is kinda ugly, so im at a crossroads. should i mostly abandon the SU style? ive like, tested out tweaking things, it mightve been noticeable in screenshot redraws. drawing within the SU style is to create that coping 'oh it was totally like this haha' vibe but maybe im old enough to not need that anymore lol. like ive heard ppl say shit like shes ugly, or like sneakily trying to imply im like, got some agenda over beauty or racism etc. like whatever, think whatever you want, its not for you. go back to sucking up to rebecca or smth like i cant take the og pearl away from you still i am open for like that kind of criticism like, do i have personal biases affecting my design decisions? probably. i do try to keep aware of why im choosing certain things, but really in this case i cant emphasize enough how like, irritating it is that i have to change her design at all. like its hard to come up w smth else when the rest of the cast ahs already been design to balance off the og pearl. i probably wouldnt change almost anything if the sight of her didnt piss me the fuck off! most of all i kinda wouldve preferred to keep her hair short bc it messes up the sillouete but it makes me think too much of canon pearl so i made it long :/ i was like let me tell you my design thought process: -im gonna try to keep as many recognizable traits about her design while taking away bit by bit until she doesnt look like the og pearl to me anymore and i dont feel angry seeing her. pearl is lanky, tall, spindly, with a gem on the forehead, blue white pink yellow pastel colors, large pointed nose. i kinda tried to keep these traits while slightly tweaking their design until she looked different enough. is it a good design? eh idk. like the purpose is to make me not hate her and it does that job

now this hate comment im gonna grace with keeping it intact except removing the person bc its not about them. its like, a very stupid ass headed comment but im actually kind of interested in like,jumping off of it to ponder some things

im not heterosexual or cis enough to know what exactly wife bate means in this context so im gonna like guess, that maybe i could extract this q from that reply (also not looking like shes from steven universe is a compliment thanks)

you took away her personality and made her boring

the only thing i can assume is that like, some people must interpret the absence of an assholey personality or like abusive behavior is 'boring'. i know thats a really bad faith assumption but like, if ive written down a bunch of personality traits and you still come out saying thats 'no personality' what am i to make of that lol. based on my experience like Existing online, people tend to often call nice characters 'boring', like dude ive done it before, but i think im kinda over that edgy phase. also again, its for me and not for you so if you think shes boring, thanks for your input i dont care. but thinkign about it earnestly, i dfeintely dont want to make a character thats just no flaw and not interesting ofc, i havent done that with reclaimed pearl. that being said i havent like, probably written a lot demonstrating what i want her to be like instead of the canon pearl so, maybe ppl just are feeling lost with the lack of information.

personally, if i hear someone thinks a character is boring bc theyre not abusive anymore like, nothing of value has been lost. but characters do need flaws in order to create conflict and cause things to happen, like in a way canon pearl is like All flaw, which wouldnt be a problem except she gets away wtih all the horrible shit she did. heres some traits i want to explore with reclaimed pearl, some are similar to canon i just wanna go about it a different way: being overprotective/possessive to steven in a smothering way, projecting abandonment issues, not reaching out/communicating her emotions properly, lacking indepedence/self worth, depending on others to avoid confronting her own issues, being very passive and insecure and lacking initiative (this being the totally opposite trait that canon pearl has), stunting stevens development due to her not being ready for him to grow up and not need her anymore. and more, this is just from the top of my head. maybe thats still too 'boring' for ppl because shes not being selfish and inconsiderate enough to others so you can relate to her but i dont care :p

gosh how do i go about like, presenting the content i ahve in my head for this AU).. i cantjust remake the whole damn show. i would if i could, tbh

i have concerns about racist implications wrt (insert thing here about my redesign)

imma be frank. i dont know how to compltely 'clean up' any possible bad associations wrt pearl as a character given how like, rebecca has literally like, made her to be a slave in love with her slave owner and made it to be like, an uwu ideal lesbiab thing for most of the show until they tried to pretend no we understood the flaws in this dynamic all along and its bad actually , uhh, anyway shows over haha

ill say the main reason i changed her skintone is, bc that would be the like most instant way to make her look differnt from canon (which is vital for me for the reasons said above), and i did consider like, does this make the whole thing worse, or, ?? like, as they made it in the show, techincally All the gems are slaves to the diamonds, arent they? including all the very totally progressive poc based gems including and specially the ones who are made to be understood as black women. bruh like idk what to tell you this show is just fuckig bad sdlgkj like its just way too like, pervasive in my teen years forme to throw the baby w the bathwater entirely. and ill just straight up say it, like, im not a specialist on these topics nor do i hav ea position of authority to speak on about it. like the pearls read more clearly as slaves (very intentionally by the showrunners) bc they are meant to be subservient to gems Other than diamonds. and also bc they like fit in the stereotype of housemaid servant. like the rubies being made to just be forced to go and fight like they are slaves too, they have no rights and no like, authority to disobey or autonomy. but fsr like, slavery as in physical labor just doesnt immeidately set off ppls alarms as much as housework slavery does fsr.

i can only rly like change the canon so much and try to like, tweak things so it doesn feel as gross but i think for it to be cmpletely not insneistive at all youd have to throw away the whole show. and like i said, this isnt like me saying like im making the show good or as it shouldve been, im making it so I (and ppl who share my feelings about the show) can feel less shitty just thinking back to it. its just an exercise. im not like mass media im just one independent artist and shit will come out insensitve sometimes and im sorry but im also like, my art isnt meant to be representative and like, responsiuble for fixing all of society and racism like i actually cant do that. ill just do the best i can as an asian dude but like, if my work makes you upset, im sorry, but also just block me. like i cant please everyone. or like, even better, make YOUR take on pearl taht you feel would be better, like make the art you feel should exist.

this post is too damn long and id be surprised if anyone reads all of it but if you do, tahnk you! i felt kinda like ready to fight tonight so im triyng to redirect it from aggression to like, thinking. i cant guarantee im making new content for su reclaimed anytime soon but i would really like to, tbh