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jbuffyangel · 5 years

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Second Chances: Arrow 8x04 Review (Present Tense)

Holy frack there is a lot to unpack.

Ha! That rhymes. Let’s dig in….

***Skipping the Quick and Dirty because this review is very late, so I figure y’all know the basic plot from other sources by now.

Oliver and William

Let’s start with the simpler of the two relationships between father and child. Oliver is still reeling from Mia’s, “Dad?” when William runs into his arms because he is the softest bear to ever live.

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He’s missed his dad so much and it’s pure, overwhelming joy that propels him forward without a minute of hesitation. I love how free William is with his emotions. He’s a bursting ball of light and love. Reminds me of someone.

Oliver’s understanding of who this is sinks in when he feels his son’s arms around him. SOB.

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William is the first of anybody to understand they are in the past. Or present. Or something. The lack of crappy makeup and horrifically bad wigs in the first tip off, but the fact Oliver isn’t six feet underground is the primary clue for this Hardy boy.

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Oliver and William are given some time to catch up back at the apartment. Oliver’s immediate instinct is to call Felicity and tell her what is going on.

Look my friends! The writers remembered there are things called PHONES on Earth 1.

Isn’t honest and communicative Oliver so refreshing? It’d be so nice if his wife could enjoy it on screen.

William shuts down getting in touch with Felicity because he doesn’t know the time travel rules.

Are we Back to the Future or Avengers Endgame? William doesn’t know, so they shouldn’t contact Felicity yet.

Honestly, this entire conversation is just to address the perfunctory, “How do we handle MIA Emily Bett Rickards?” question.

For the record, I think Oliver not calling Felicity even once onscreen is bullshit.

But here’s the thing – Emily is not part of Arrow Season 8 until the finale. End of discussion. We’re going to get lots of Felicity references and I think the writers have done a marvelous job of giving us content so far despite an unavailable actress. Could they write one-way phone conversations or throw texts up like Jane the Virgin? Sure, but this is Arrow and simple/logical resolutions aren’t their wheelhouse.

Regardless, they certainly aren’t going to deal with the EBR issue every week in every episode. The fans watching the show have to accept at a certain point that Emily Bett Rickards left the show and this is the reason why Felicity is not doing X, Y and Z. We do not need it spelled out for us every week.

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Olive is desperate for some good news in the future. This is such a fucking Season 7 mood.

William obliges and tells him that he’s a billionaire corporate tech tycoon. So between his son and Felicity it no longer matters that Oliver signed over his children’s inheritance to a woman he banged one night in Russia. (I added that last part in).

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Oliver is so proud he cries. I sob whenever my child accomplishes pretty much anything, so I feel this is a very accurate representation of parenthood.

It also opens the door for William to come out to his father, which he never had the chance to do.

My favorite part was when Oliver confessed to William that he and Felicity knew he was gay… because parents always know whether they can admit it or not.

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Oliver cries again (right there with you buddy) and it’s a lovely scene. The basic takeaway is just love your kids.

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Bless William for being excited about what I am excited about – they have a second chance to get to know each other. It’s easier for William and Oliver because they already built the foundation. There’s a lot to catch up on, but the bond between father and son is established. William has spent the last 20 years wishing he could talk to his dad and he’s not wasting this opportunity. No matter how bizarre it is.

William is the one to tell Present Team Arrow about how awful the future is and again, we’re already changing the future if this, in fact, Back to the Future rules. Rene knows his daughter dies and he becomes a corrupt politician. Oliver knows that Star City is still going to hell in a hand-basket despite all his sacrifices.

Barry gets a coffee and the key to the city in the second season. Oliver has been hero-ing for eight years and things still turn out crappy in the future. Sometimes it really sucks to be an Arrow fan. And yet I stay because I am a masochist who enjoys pain and excruciatingly difficult hero’s journeys. Something is seriously wrong with me.

Oliver is deep in brooding mode, sharpening arrows, after Mia yells at him for “playing dad” and leaves with L*urel. William wants to know why he didn’t stop her and the truth is Oliver thinks she’s right. He chose to leave. He has not earned the right to be her father. Not like he has with William.

But Oliver is forgetting he went through this with William. He blamed Oliver for his mother’s death.

Yes, William is a child and Mia is an adult. Yes, Oliver had to break his promise. He physically walked away to save their lives. But he remained devoted in his love and all the rest all remains true. The only way to earn being someone’s parent is to be their parent.

William’s grief over losing his mother was overwhelming. He was angry with Oliver, resented his choices and the way he was parenting him. Oliver and William had a very rocky start, but those rocks are the foundation of their relationship today. It’s the reason why Oliver and William know they can start again because they have done it before.

All of William’s pain and suffering has made him into exactly the kind of brother Mia needs now. He understands her anger at Oliver. He also knows that despite her anger and whether she can admit it or not, Mia desperately needs Oliver.

William’s experiences also made him into the kind of son who can guide his father’s hand. William is saying, “Hey. You’ve been here before. Remember? You found the way with me and you can find the way with Mia.”

Felicity would be proud.

This also gives William the opportunity to hash out some remaining issues with his father because things are not all roses with them either. Oliver is still hurt William left to live with his grandparents, because it happened a few months ago. William is the weathered soul in this war and has gained an interesting perspective on the experience.

Oliver: I thought you hated my guts.

William: I hated you for abandoning me.

Oliver: I tried.

William: True, but I wanted you to try harder. Push a little more. I think that’s all any child wants from their parents.

Oliver and Felicity can argue William moving in with his grandparents was the best thing for him at the time, but I refuse to believe anyone is better for him than his parents. William has realized deep down he never wanted his dad and Felicity to let him go. Kids test their parents and this was a particular test William wished his father fought harder.

And I have to agree. I thought it was insane that Oliver and Felicity let William go live with his grandparents. I can’t remember if S7 Jen thought that, but S8 Jen sure does.

The reality of their living situation hadn’t really changed all that much from when Oliver first became William’s primary care giver. He was the Green Arrow the entire time. That’s why they hired Raisa. A couple bad guys break into the apartment and they ship the kid off? William is ticked at Oliver for going to prison, so he decides to LEAVE? How does that make sense? And why are we letting the 13 year old call the shots? I honestly couldn’t believe they agreed.

And we all know Oliver and Felicity’s reasoning is faulty because the writing doesn’t make any sense. The worst thing about these flash forwards is William not knowing who Mia is in order to keep the reveal a shock. They really expect us to believe Felicity never comes back for William? Gimme a break. I’m all for surprises, but not at the sake of the story.

The writers are trying to clean up the mess and resolve some of the drama, but it is Oliver and Felicity who unfortunately end up holding the bag. It doesn’t make either of their characters look great, but I can ultimately forgive it as well because it feeds a much larger truth about parents and their children.

Parents – you’re going to screw up.

Kids – you have to decide how much those screw ups will screw you up.

This is why Thea’s words to Oliver last week are so important. He was going to make mistakes whether he stayed with his family or not, but those mistakes do not diminish his love for his children. It all forms who his children will become. And hey – nobody is as messy as Robert and Moira Queen and the Queen siblings turned out okay.

Oliver and Felicity made a mistake by letting William leave. They aren’t perfect parents. Nobody is. The point is to learn, keep trying and fight harder. Ultimately, it’s up to William and Mia to decide whether or not to forgive their parents for being human beings. Every child must come to terms with the mistakes their parents make, weigh it against their intentions and love, and then decide whether or not to forgive them. This is part of becoming an adult.

Oliver: I’m sorry.

William: It’s ok. Dad, I’m glad that you’re in my life. Then and now. And Mia will be too.

William chooses to forgive his father. It’s a beautiful and honest moment between father and son. This is exactly the kind of bonding and healing I wanted Oliver to have with his children – a second chance.

Oliver and Mia

Let’s keep in mind the last time Oliver saw Mia she was in her crib, so seeing a fully grown young woman before him requires some adjustment,

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but Papa Bear rebounds nicely. Stephen Amell mixes pride, confusion, joy and love in this perfectly delivered line.

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In typical Oliver fashion his first question is if the kids are okay. He steps toward Mia to hug her, but she is in complete shock and totally overwhelmed.

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The barrier between her dead father and her very much alive father is breaking down with the reality of their situation, but Mia cannot accept it yet. Her pain is almost immediate and she steps away from Oliver. A line in the sand is drawn. He can’t come closer. It hurts too much and she’s not ready. Reminds me of someone.

It hurts Oliver just as much as when Felicity did the same thing.

Mia should have been wearing The Red Coat of Pain.

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Look, if my 34-year-old daughter time traveled from the future to the present it’d be a puzzler for sure, but cool as hell and I’d smush her perfect face in a microsecond. Way to represent Oliver.

Rene and Dinah are extremely confused why Oliver has a daughter and he’s all, “Oh yeah. Cool story.” He’s explaining to Thing 1 and Thing 2, but Oliver is really talking to Mia. He doesn’t take his eyes off her and he shares the story of her birth. SOB.

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I love Diggle’s they-told-me-because-I’m-not-just-anyone look here. Oliver apologizes to Dinah and Rene for finding out about Mia like this and they immediately understand why he lied and have zero problems with it. It’s your basic personality lobotomy because this is the final season (kumbaya) and there’s no time for the newbies to be their usual toddler selves.

Rene wants to know when the kiddos can fill them in on all the 2040 gossip and hey that’s a good point. (Holy hell I’m agreeing with Rene. It’s the end times my friends). Dinah and Rene don’t find out about Mia until twenty years later, so the future has already begun to change. Oliver wants the kids to share all their Back to the Future goodies once they’re comfortable.

Spoiler alert: They’re not comfortable.

Connor tells Mia and William he was about to kill his brother (there’s your confirmation if you were in any way unclear about Connor’s intentions). Mia has zero problems with Connor killing JJ, but is angry he escaped. Yup, this tracks with Mia’s morality since she’s basically Season 1 Oliver. William reminds her that it doesn’t really make a difference now because JJ is five and they can’t Baby Hitler him.

I saw that look Mia Smoak Queen.

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She decides as team leader they should keep their mouths shut because nobody wants to tell Diggle his biological son goes all evil and kills Rene’s daughter. I mean… yeah… tricky conversation starter. Do you do it over coffee? Vodka. I feel booze could really help the situation a lot.

This means that FTA is going to lie to OTA and William correctly asserts this plan is insane because this is Original Team Arrow. They aren’t dummies. Well sure, now they aren’t but oh kids. Do I have some stories for you.

Oliver takes the kids back to his apartment and Mia gets the first real sense of what it was like for Felicity to live with Oliver.

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I know Felicity had pictures of Oliver in the cabin, but this is their life before Mia. A life she was not part of yet. My mother once took me to the house she grew up in and the owners allowed us to look around. It was so wonderfully odd to put a place to all the stories I heard growing up, but nothing was like I imagined it.

The shock is wearing off and this is the first moment Mia’s anger bubbles to the surface. This was supposed to be her home, where she grew up with her father, mother and brother. None of that happened because Oliver “disappeared” according to William.

It would seem like a simple answer - wouldn’t it? Felicity took the children to Oliver’s grave. One can naturally conclude this means he is dead, but William says he’s not sure what happened. Y’all, if you are still stressing about Oliver remaining dead after this show goes off air then turn your attention to the Grand Canyon sized back door the Arrow writers just wrote in. They can’t even say he is dead.

Oliver has been pondering his mortality for 12 years, and particularly now, so he absorbs this information extremely well. But the hits keep on coming as William fills him in on the rest – how he didn’t grow up with Mia and never saw Felicity again until 20 years later.

Mia chimes in with a bitter, “Yeah it was just me and Mom at the cabin.” Oliver’s pain when he realizes his “disappearance” is the trigger for his precious family splintering apart is just gut wrenching.

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Yes, he saved their lives, but it was not the life he hoped for any of them.

Oliver wants to catch up on 20 years of history, but Mia’s not looking to hug and cry and learn and grow. The chill when she leaves the room to go to bed let’s Oliver know exactly where he stands with his daughter. She’s freezing him out.

Oliver is worried Mia will never give him the chance to get to know her, but William reassures his father. Mia is stubborn and hard to read. I’d like to add distrustful, moody and impulsive.

As Oliver’s mini me it’s perfectly acceptable to hold him accountable, which leads to some warm and good-natured ribbing between father and son.

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Mia reassures Present Team Arrow the Deathstroke gang isn’t a problem in the future after they blow up the hospital. Deathstroke gang? Pfft. Never heard of them. I’d also like to add liar, liar pants on fire to the personality traits Mia shares with her father.

And since they’re on a roll, Mia and William also reassure they are still friends with Zoe and she’s farting sunshine and rainbows.

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Ugh. Brutal.

Mia and Connor are convinced JJ is the leader of the Deathstroke gang. William tries to reason with them. He suddenly has a gang and is organized enough to start blowing up buildings within a few hours of arriving from a different time period? When you talk it out it doesn’t make sense. (She says to Last Week Jen who totally though JJ was the leader of the Deathstroke gang in present time too).

They go to the original Deathstroke hideout and discover it’s really Grant Wilson. It’s a nice tie into the Legends of Tomorrow’s “Star City 2046” which is the first time we met the wonderful David-Joseph Jones.

Present Team Arrow shows up to save their asses and Oliver gets to rescue another Smoak female from a bomb.

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Ah… memories.

When all the lies come tumbling out it’s not pretty.

Rene picks Zoe up and plans to work his way through a pint of mint chip with her, which is an extremely valid life choice given the news he’s just received. But could you get the kid some ice cream she actually likes? I agree disliking mint chip is MADNESS, but she’s going to die in twenty years so chocolate it is.

Dinah meets up with Rene and tries to convince him the future can be changed.

Rene: How am I supposed to wake up every morning knowing how many days we have left together?

Dinah: By trying to change what happens. Trying every single day.

Arrow is known for their less than subtle cuts and what immediately follows Dinah’s statement is an argument between Oliver and Mia.

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She is unable to sit on the sidelines anymore while the team researches Grant and his Deathstroke gang. Oliver wants to help Mia with her grief, but she can’t even admit her grief let alone desperately needing her father.

What’s so sad about this scene is Oliver is right. He’s been there. He understands exactly what Mia is feeling. All of Oliver’s loss and suffering have made him into the man and father his daughter needs. But Mia won’t let him in and a large part of that is because she’s just like him. It’s like a mirror of himself eight years ago is being reflected back at him.

Oliver and Mia are put their cards on the table. She is right. Parenthood is earned. It is not something that is magically created from biology. Anyone can have a child and call themselves a “parent”, but a real parent puts their child above their own selfish needs and wants.

And that’s what Oliver Queen did. There is no place on earth Oliver wanted to be more than in the cabin with Mia, Felicity (and William) for the last twenty years. If Oliver was a selfish man, he would’ve spent the rest of his days with them and let everyone perish in the Crisis. Oliver was going to die no matter what, so why not hold on to the only peace and happiness he’s ever known? At least they’d be together.

But Oliver could never make that choice because he is selfless. Mia is right – Oliver is a hero, but his need to be recognized as such is not the reason he left her. Oliver wanted Mia, William and Felicity to have the life they deserved – even if it meant one without him. He is willing to die for them.

His decision cost Mia her father, but it was a price Oliver was willing to pay. The only thing more unimaginable to Oliver than missing out on raising Mia is Mia not being part of this world. Oliver put his child’s life above his own because his precious, remarkable, beautiful, strong, and smart Mia is his world.

Do I think Mia is being cruel to Oliver? No. I think she’s being honest. This is how she feels.

Children have a remarkable way of blaming themselves for decisions their parents made.

Oliver is fighting the good fight like it’s any other day. There must have been something deficient in Mia that made moving on from his daughter so easy.

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Mia may be grown, but she’s still a child in so many ways and particularly when it comes to father. All she can see is the man who chose to leave her. All Mia can feel is what she lost.

We cannot cheapen the depth of her grief by expecting Mia to be okay with her dad dying. Yes, he’s saving the world (and she is in the world), but Oliver didn’t need to save the city or the universe to be Mia’s hero. Nor can she accept the why because the result is the same.

Oliver missed Chrismukkah, trick or treating and birthdays. He missed snuggling on the couch and reading stories. He missed teaching Mia how to tie her shoes, ride a bike, shoot an arrow, defend herself or drive. Oliver missed comforting Mia when she was sad and sick. He missed making her laugh. He doesn’t know when Mia took her first steps, or her favorite food, or the name of her kindergarten teacher, or the grades she got in school, or the first boy who broke her heart. Oliver missed twenty years.

Mia didn’t lose a biological parent. She lost a man who loves her with every cell. Mia lost a man who would’ve shown up for her every day. She lost a man who would’ve protected, taught and loved her unconditionally. Mia Smoak Queen lost her DAD.

She’s supposed to what? Get to know Oliver? Mia’s supposed to accept all the stories Felicity told about her father were real, so the depth of her loss can be driven deeper because now she knows how wonderful he is?

Uhhh… pass. It’s easier for Mia to hate him. Of course, it’s easier.

It wouldn’t be a Queen family reunion without a little physical violence. Mia threatens to throw down with Daddy if he doesn’t get out of her way. Honestly, letting her get a couple good swings in Oliver might be highly therapeutic. I clearly didn’t study psychology, but I’m just here thinking my thoughts.

Oliver must be “some guy in her way” because the alternative, letting her father all the way in only to lose him again, it’s unbearable for Mia at this point.

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Oliver decides to try harder with Mia after William harnesses his light, which means FATHER/DAUGHTER IN THE FIELD TIME!

Oliver’s protective dad mode is fully activated, but Mia has other plans. She’s about to take Grant Wilson out when Oliver ties him up with an arrow rope. Undeterred, she switches a knife for an arrow and takes aim.

Oliver calls out to Mia in his deep, growly Arrow voice, which gets her attention because it’s scary and it gets everybody’s attention. IT’S STERN DADDY TIME! YASSS!!!

Oliver physically steps in front of Grant Wilson because this is road he has gone down and as long as there is breath in his body he will not watch his daughter go down it too.

This is what is so satisfying about Oliver Queen's story.

He has learned from his mistakes and can be the hero, and father, his daughter needs now.

Mia can hate him all she wants, but Oliver will not let her kill anyone.

Mia listens because what she needs more than anything right now is her dad. It’s a real and honest moment between the two where Oliver uses everything he’s learned to help Mia make the right decision. And Mia, whether she can admit it or not, wants to learn from Oliver. He earns being her dad by being her dad.

Stick a fork in me because I AM DONE. Do you know this moment is everything? Because it is EVERYTHING. First, Mia may not let Oliver hug her, but she lets him ask if she’s okay and even answers. This, my friends, is what we call progress. Mia also has to know Oliver’s history and she doesn’t want her father to think she didn’t have the stones to kill someone.

But it’s what Oliver said in return that is so meaningful because he knows after killing someone all that is left are the dark questions that haunt you. Did I do the right thing? What kind of person does this make me?

Of all the terrible holes Oliver had to crawl out of, this was his darkest. This was the secret Oliver feared was true. This lie was so easy to believe because Oliver blamed himself for Robert’s death. What kind of person kills their own father? What kind of person keeps killing? It was so frightening for Oliver to confront that he lost Felicity to avoid it. Then it was forced out of him only after being tortured for days by Adrian Chase.

Mia would’ve killed Grant Wilson because she thought it was necessary. She believed it would serve the greater good and save lives. But it doesn’t mean Mia would’ve enjoyed killing Grant Wilson. It doesn’t mean she is undeserving of love, unforgivable or irredeemable. It doesn’t mean Mia is a monster.

The questions are already haunting Mia. Oliver can see it in her eyes, but he has the answers for her. Oliver tells his daughter who she is and Mia knows he truly sees her. And her wall starts to come down.

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This show began as a story between father and child and, for better or worse; this is where it will always return. Arrow is about family, generational sin and atonement. It will always come back to Robert Queen.

Oliver takes Mia to her grandfather’s grave because this is where the violence, loss and guilt all began. It swallowed Oliver whole for so many years. It was an agonizing hole to climb out of. He wants Mia and William’s life to be better. Oliver didn’t truly understand his father until after he was dead. He wants it to be different with his children.

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Mia’s journey started with the “death” of her father. Just like Robert. Her mother is “gone.” Just like Moira. Zoe died protecting Mia. She was the hero Mia was trying so hard to be. Just like Tommy. Mia made a decision and it cost someone their life. Just like Shado.

And on and on it goes. All that’s left is the crippling guilt of survival.

All Oliver can offer Mia is the truth.

It’s a truth he’s learned the long, hard and painful way.

“This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out." – Leo McGarry, West Wing

Oliver knows the way out of the hole Mia is in because he’s been there before. Her father reaches for his daughter’s hand and she reaches back. Oliver had to find his light these past eight years, so he could be the light for his children. Hopefully, her father can make Oliver journey a little easier and a little brighter for Mia. That’s all any parent wants to do for their children.

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Oliver makes his world famous Monte Cristo for William.

He introduces Mia to them the same way Felicity introduced William to these delectable late night snacks.

Down to the freaking mannerisms. Well done Ben Lewis.

These are the kind of stories Mia heard, but never experienced. These are the moments she and Oliver missed. The moments neither of them thought they’d ever get back.

The wall comes down. Not all the way, but enough. Mia lets her dad make her a snack. And begins their second chance.

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Diggle and Connor

I said last week it’ll be interesting how Diggle reacts to a son he doesn’t even know he’s going to have. Well… it was a lot like this in the beginning.

Ouch. Sorry Connor. In Diggle’s defense this is a mind blower and the kids don’t know when they’ve landed. Connor doesn’t understand why his father can’t recognize him as a son, but Diggle hasn’t adopted him yet. The last time Diggle this child’s perfect face was when he saved Connor and Sandra, his mother.

The whole custody issue is problematic and John has to download a lot of information, with some sobering realizations, to comprehend what happened. Put it this way. If you discovered you have a kid that you didn’t know about it would take more than a few minutes to sink in.

It does eventually sink in, but Diggle and Connor are still a little uncomfortable around each other. Unfortunately, Mama Lyla is unavailable to serve as wing man during the uncomfortable getting-to-know-you phase. Diggle offers a very sweet, “We always wanted a brother for JJ.” HOW ABOUT A SISTER? (side eyes Barry Allen).

Connor responds to Diggle’s attempt at bonding by lying through his teeth about JJ. Sure, Dad we’re best friends. No Diggle brother curse in the future? Noooope.

Although, from Connor’s perspective, John’s remark could be taken from a slightly different slant. Diggle’s first real moment of warmth was connected to JJ, his biological son. The son he has a relationship with already. John is leaning into what he knows as he navigates this new relationship - not unlike what Oliver is doing with William and Mia.

But John must look at Connor through a JJ lens in order to act paternal towards him. Diggle didn’t do anything wrong and he certainly didn’t mean anything by it, but this doesn’t put Connor at ease. Particularly since he almost murdered the only son Diggle knows and loves. It’s easy to see why he’s keeping that information close to the chest.

Dinah hears through the door Connor calling Grant Wilson JJ, which is a pretty weak plot point, but it gets us where we need to go. Connor tries to cover his lies by telling Dinah she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but we get a very stern Papa Diggle in response.

John: Then you tell me Connor.

This is the first glimpse we’ve seen of John being the firm disciplinarian who holds his sons accountable for each other’s actions. It was hard to imagine Diggle this way when JJ and Connor were reminiscing about their childhoods, but David Ramsey made me believe it in one line.

This is the father Connor knows. Nothing like a little parental authority to make a kid crumble like dominoes. He comes clean and we get a little history too. Grant Wilson did bring the Deathstroke gang to Star City, but JJ eventually inherits the leadership position and is the craziest of all the cray.

Rene is understandably heartbroken over Zoe, in a rage over JJ, and a little pissed off at John. I’m always uncomfortable when this show makes me sympathize with any member of NTA, but here we are, nonetheless.

Diggle just found out his son is a murdering psychopath, so it hasn’t been a great day for him either. However, it seems Diggle is the only one who watched Back to the Future and believes this horror show we affectionately call the Flash Forwards can change. It could even be the reason why the Monitor sent the children to the present. Jesus, let it be true.

The writers wouldn’t have brought it up if they weren’t going to change some things about the future. I still don’t think we’ll avert the twenty-year separation. (Can the writing gods be that kind?) But Present Team Arrow will help Future Team Arrow become better heroes. Zoe will survive and JJ, by not killing Zoe, will become a redeemable villain. I’m sure some other stuff will change too, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Connor: It was like I stole the love that should have been his.

UGH. Kiddo that is so not how parenting works. Connor is overwhelmed with guilt over JJ and completely blames himself for his actions. It’s not difficult to understand why he feels this way. This is how John raised them. When one brother did something wrong the other was held accountable. But now Connor and JJ are flipped from their childhood. The “good brother” became the “bad brother” and vice versus.

Diggle: What do you want me to say?

Oof.

This is not Diggle’s best parenting moment, but let’s juts call a spade a spade. The reason why Diggle is not acting like a father to Connor is because he doesn’t feel like his father. John and Lyla haven’t adopted Connor yet. Diggle doesn’t know him. The stranger standing before him now has lied from minute one about the only son he does know.

He has a nice heart to heart with Dinah once he’s calmed down. It took John all of 5 seconds to draw the Andy comparisons, so he’s just piling one guilt on top of another and blaming himself. Hmm… I wonder if that’s where Connor gets it from?

Dinah: Knowing what’s happened can either destroy us or save us. We’ve seen our worst. Now let’s be our best.

Damn. This is a seriously great speech. Holy crap I enjoyed a Dinah moment. I can’t remember the last time that happened.

If you think this series is ending with the future destroyed and everyone being their worst then I’ve taught you nothing. Follow the yellow brick road. We’re almost home.

Diggle can finally see through his anger and pain when he watches Connor at his best. John can finally see who Connor is when he defuses the bomb.He sees Connor’s intelligence, composure selflessness and bravery. Diggle sees his son. And Connor is everything Diggle dreamed a son could be.

Diggle: You read to go home?

Connor: You don’t have to do that. I don’t want to be a reminder of everything bad that happened to JJ and to your family.

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It’s everything Connor needed to hear and more. Father and son find their way to forgiveness and it’s a path to a second chance.

And because Arrow loves us this means shirtless father/son training session. Well, half shirtless. This is the content I am here to see.

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L*urel L*nce

L*urel goes with Mia on recon so she doesn’t slug her dad in the face. She also knows Mia is going to kill Grant Wilson.

L*urel: Clearly no one has informed you that I used to play for team villain. And I can spot a murderous intent a million miles away.

Is L*urel’s background and history being used for a plot point in a way that makes total and absolute sense? The mind reels at the possibility.

Mia’s reasoning for killing Grant Wilson is sound. They tried locking him up in the future, but he always escapes which helps earn his cult status and JJ’s admiration. Mia believes if she kills Grant Wilson then Zoe will live. The guilt she feels over Zoe’s death is too much to bear. She will do absolutely anything to fix it – even if it costs Mia her soul.

Damn… I wonder where I’ve heard this story before.

L*urel knows a thing or two about vengeance and tries to reach Mia by explaining how Felicity was once in a similar position. L*urel talked her out of killing Ricardo Diaz and SAVED THE DAY!

I’m not gonna say anything. It’s fine. Inaccuracies happen all the time in this show. I can let this go

No, I can’t let this go.

This isn’t exactly how things went down with L*urel, Felicity and Diaz. Yes, L*urel gave Felicity a similar “once you let the darkness in it never comes out” speech in early Season 7. However, she wasn’t overly vexed about Felicity doing some violence. In fact, she was damn near proud of her every time Felicity crossed a line. And L*urel was right there with her. when she did.

Nor was L*urel the reason Felicity didn’t kill Diaz. The first time she pointed a gun at Diaz was when she finally captured him. Felicity was about to pull the trigger when Laurel came in and said she made a deal with the Feds. Oliver would be released from prison if he helped the FBI with their case against Diaz. Yes, L*urel told Felicity she didn’t want to kill Diaz, but she was not the reason Felicity put that gun down. Oliver was.

The second and final time Felicity threatened to kill Diaz she convinced herself. Felicity realized he was no longer a threat. She decides not to kill Diaz because she’s stronger than him. Felicity Smoak is a BAMF and nobody gets to take this moment from her.

I’m not saying L*urel doesn’t deserve any credit. She does, but in typical arrogant BC form she beats the self-congratulatory drum too loud and makes herself the sole savior of Felicity Smoak. No, honey. Not even close.

It’s also frustrating because I wish it was Felicity telling this story to her daughter and not LL. Just one of the many “It sucks that Emily wasn’t in the episode” moments.

Source: dcladies

At least L*urel recognizes Felicity and Mia are not “women who allow themselves to be talked out of anything.” But this statement negates the “Because I talked her out of it” nonsense she was spewing 15 seconds earlier. Sigh. So close yet so far.

Can we just have one episode where this character makes total and absolute sense? Just one episode we hit on all L*urel cylinders. An episode she feels relevant, doesn’t act like a judgmental, hypocritical, ungrateful asshole, and her history isn’t blatantly ignored for the sake of plot contrivance, and doesn’t contradict herself every five seconds? It would just be nice.

Stray Thoughts

Nothing makes me sadder than the director choosing a more toned-down delivery of Ben Lewis’, “Excuse me what year is it?” than the one in the promo because the line in the promo was hysterical.

Dinah wonders why The Monitor didn’t bring L*urel back to Star City too - once again highlighting how annoyed The Monitor is she’s still alive and how inconsequential she is to any of his plans. Snort.

To be fair, (because I am for neutral reporting here and Something To Live For) Rene wonders why The Monitor didn’t bring Zoe and JJ back. He probably would have if she wasn’t dead and JJ wasn’t evil.

Connor’s, “Hey are you okay?” to Mia was so soft and nearly identical in tone to whenever Oliver says “Hey” to Felicity, which this means he wants all the babies with her. That’s the maths.

Did they blow up the doctor?

Oliver bragging William is a billionaire to Rene was the cutest to ever cute.

“You’d be proud.” William’s emotional double meaning requires beaucoup de tissues. Yeah, I’m tossing some French you’re way. Gotta keep things fresh.

“Ugh. Curtis. I did not miss you. Not even a little bit.” From my notes watching live.

I feel like this Councilman Rene thing kind of came out of nowhere in the present time, but I’m not actually invested in it so whatever.

“I cannot believe that is your son. I can however definitely believe that is your daughter.” Okay, this was funny and only made funnier by Oliver’s annoyance. Curtis is there for a hot minute and already bugging him. Dude so much same.

Yes, canaries are plural Dinah. Nobody is happy about it.

The Canary set up for the spin off was LAME.

Connor: There’s a Canary network in the future.

Dinah & L*urel: Let’s eat French fries dipped in milkshakes (trademark LL bonding) and create a Canary network.

Soooo… killing Vinny isn’t a thing anymore? When did that not become a thing? Dinah and L*urel have barely spoke this season and now they are besties? I see shoehorning canaries into plot because of contractual obligations will continue in the spin off. Yippee.

“At least we didn’t die.” Oliver Jonas Queen, God gave you a daughter just like you because He is a just and fair God.

I cannot call it Original Team Arrow because they are missing an original member so it’s Present Team Arrow until Felicity’s return.

“I’m not exactly a big fan of your father’s. He’s kind of a dick.” Should’ve let her fry, Oliver.

“John, we’re good. You too, Connor. I can’t be mad at either of you for something I will never let happen.” WHY ARE ALL THE CHARACTERS MAKING SENSE AND SAYING THINGS I LOVE? I’M SCARED HOLD ME.

I am Oliver. My twenty-something friends are William. LOL Source: felicitysmoak

How has Mia not watched The Shawshank Redemption?

"Mom really liked playing fast and loose with the fourth amendment huh?" WILLIAM’S. BEST. LINE. EVER.

They brought in Curtis to usurp William's skills. Yup, he really is Felicity 2.0.

Has Mia been wearing a Green Arrow suit the whole season and I never noticed or was she just in really great leather this week? I can’t tell on my TV screen.

OMG this moment gave me LIFE. I will be abusing that gif of William. Source: arrowdaily

If Connor learned what an intervalometer bomb is from John then did John learn it from Connor? Wrap your noodle around that time travel mind bender.

Mia’s hair was so extra this week. Source: miasmoakdaily

All I wanted this entire episode was for Mia, William and Oliver to bake cookies. So I will take payment in the form of Monte Cristos. I’m getting my way a lot this season, so I would also like to ask the Arrow writers for a million dollars. Thanks a bunch.

“Or we make our own hope.” Deathstrokes are off the board for the time being. The future is getting a second chance too. You can’t hear me but I’m singing the times they are a-changin’

A very special thanks to Muriel for editing all the gifs. You are a live saver and I am so grateful for your help!

Disclaimer: Any gifs on the blog are not mine. If you would like a gif removed from my reviews, please message me. 8x04 gifs credited.

If you’d like to support the blog, please buy me a cup of tea!

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riverboundao3ff · 4 years

Text

Riverbound, Chapter 13

Your name is LANQUE BOMBYX and joining a rebellion is either the best or worst thing you have ever done.

On one hand, it’s a great excuse to sneak out of the caverns and do something exciting. You’re having fun, you’re trying to make the world not a piece of shit, and you get to meet interesting new people who you haven’t lived with since you were literally four.

On the other, you now have to deal with things like getting into fights with mercenaries (your shoulder is still sore), putting even more effort into keeping Bronya and Lynera off your ass so they don’t suspect anything, and just generally trying to not get culled. It’s been hard not to feel more optimistic, though-- it’s hard to be bored when you’re constantly running around committing all sorts of crime.

There’s also the fact that despite dating the aforementioned mercenary bitch who mauled you, your dearest and most beloved party buddy has returned at last. Granted, they returned severely underweight, traumatized, and injured, but they came back, and a little piece of yourself that you didn’t even know had been missing fell back into place.

Not that you’d ever tell them that.

Ahem.

“You wanna zap back up to the caverns or are we walking?”

Your friend’s voice jolts you out of your thoughts, and you look down at them to meet their gaze. That oliveblood-- Polypa, had picked up a last-minute “job” as soon as the three of you got out of the danger zone that was the lowblood neighborhood. It was pretty clear that she didn’t want to leave her moirail alone with you, but the alien, bless their oblivious soul, just shooed her off with a demand that she be careful.

“Believe me, I am no hurry,” you mutter, kicking a pebble out of your path. It clatters down the sidewalk and into the street. Bronya is no doubt going to be furious with you for sneaking out while grounded, like she is with everything you do that isn’t related to being a good little cavern worker. You’re not looking forward to facing her wrath and possibly the palm of her hand.

“Yeah. I hope Bronya isn’t mad at me for dipping,” they mutter, looking a bit embarrassed.

You scoff. As if. “Bronya could never be mad at you, trust me. Just say you went along with me and the kids to keep us out of trouble and now you’re bringing me back.”

“I’m assuming she doesn’t know anything about our… club.”

“No, darling, and it’s going to stay that way for as long as possible.”

They frown. “Would she really be so pissed? I mean, she has her little technically legal nursery… which I know nothing about, because I’ve totally never helped out in there. Ever.”

“Bronya…” You have to do some thinking to come up with an explanation that wouldn’t be just calling the head jade a hypocritical piece of shit. You want the alien on your side. “Isn’t focused on the big picture. Nor does she want to be. Her whole world is the caverns, and I think if anybody tried to challenge that…”

“Things would be bad. Alright.” They look disappointed but don’t say anything else on the matter, which you appreciate.

You wrap your arm around their waist and pull them closer to you. They lean into your side with a sigh, tired, and for a moment you let yourself pretend that it’s just the two of you, walking back from a party like old times. No disappearances, no rebellion, just a strange pair of friends on their way home.

“Once we get back you’re taking a shower,” you say.

“Are you trying to tell me something?”

“That Gorjek was one-hundred percent right about your pores and that you stink like a corpse? Possibly. Probably.”

They elbow you in your grub scars and take off running when you swat at their head.

:::

As you feared, Bronya is waiting for you at the mouth of the cave when you and the alien arrive, hands on her hips and ears flat against the sides of her head.

If looks could kill you’d be a dead man. She opens her mouth, visibly swelling up in anger as you approach, but then her eyes flicker over to your mutual friend and something in them softens. Not for the first time, you’re selfishly grateful for them being around, if not just because you don’t have to deal with the brunt of Bronya’s anger. You know she refuses to make herself look bad in front of outsiders, the snake.

“Hi. We’re back,” they say sheepishly.

“And I’m not drunk this time,” you add, smiling down at her. Try and swing on me while I’m sober, bitch.

“Two whole nights out, in a row, while you’re grounded, and you brought the kids?” Bronya hisses. “And our friend? They’re supposed to be recovering!”

“I’m healed now, actually! We met up with a pal who helped me out. Also, I went out of my own accord,” the alien interjects.

Bronya huffs. “Well, I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better--”

They give her finger guns.

“-- but that doesn’t change the fact that Lanque directly disobeyed orders. Again. What were you even doing?”

“I don’t owe you an explanation every time I want to take a break from this hellhole,” you snort. Out of the corner of your eye, you see your friend begin to nervously look around as if pretending like none of this is happening. You don’t blame them.

“You owe everybody an explanation for why they had to cover your duties while you were off doing who-knows-what with who-knows-who!”

“We get it, Ursama, I’m a whore. Can we go now?”

“That’s not what I-!”

“Lanque’s baaacckkkk!”

Your savior comes in the form of a young lady flying out of the caverns at top speed and latching on to your waist. The force is almost enough to knock you over, but thankfully you were given enough warning to anticipate the attack.

The anger brewing in your gut vanishes like mist in sunlight. Wanshi beams up at you, one fang missing from her top set of teeth. Looks like her adult teeth are finally coming in. “There she is! Were you good while I was gone?”

“Nope!”

“That’s my girl,” you praise, scooping her up and setting her on your hip.

“Wanshi. Did you finish sweeping the classroom?” Bronya asks, stern but far more kind.

“Duh.” Wanshi sticks her tongue out at Bronya and giggles when the head jade gives her a look. The alien takes notice of her missing fang and starts fussing excitedly over it-- you guess losing wiggler teeth is important in their culture as well.

It’s just the distraction you need to tighten your hold on Wanshi and casually toss an arm around the alien’s bony shoulders. You look past Ursama to the woods beyond, focusing your gaze on something. “Hey, Bronya? Aren’t those cholerbear tracks over there?”

She stiffens and whips around to follow your line of sight. “What?”

“Run!”

You grab the alien’s hand and break into a sprint, pulling them along with you despite their yelp of surprise. Wanshi wraps her arms around your neck and hangs on as you make a sharp right, dodge the girl who’s up next for guard duty, before darting down a corridor that’s rarely used except for meetings. The lights aren’t even on, which helps you avoid detection as some of your fellow cloistermates pass by the adjacent tunnel.

There’s an abandoned classroom up ahead, and the door is slightly ajar. Perfect.

Wanshi’s snickering uncontrollably by the time you set her down and kick the door shut behind the three of you. Beside you, the alien joins in, looking guilty, but you can easily see the huge grin they’re trying to suppress. You lock the door and herd them and the younger jadeblood farther into the darkness.

“I can’t believe she fell for that!” Wanshi whispers gleefully. “Oh, Lynera’s gonna be so-!”

Sharp, angry footsteps come storming down the corridor, their owner testing each door with a vengeance. All three of you freeze.

Wanshi dives into the lowest space on a bookshelf and flattens herself against the far side of it. You look around frantically, cursing your height, only for a pair of small hands to shove you into the corner farthest away from the door.

You look down at your friend, who blinks up at you, pupils completely blown out. It’s a second before you remember that they can’t see well in the dark. You’re flattered that they trust you enough to willingly put themselves into a situation where they’re so obviously vulnerable, and perhaps a little turned on.

“Lanque! Come on!” you hear Bronya growl in exasperation, and you suddenly remember another situation very much like this one: you and the alien in a dark room, with Bronya hunting you down like an enraged lusus. You’re holding them close to you, and you feel the thrumming of their heart like a featherbeast’s, the heat of their body, their distinctive scent filling your lungs. It’s the smell of something fiery yet sweet, completely unlike anything else on this planet.

Your gaze drops back down to them from the doorway. Their face has a reddish tint to it now. “Hm. This seems familiar.”

They swallow, open-mouthed and flustered. It’s irresistible.

“Going to yell for Mother, are we?” you whisper, pulling them even closer.

Dull nails dig into your forearms. “I made that up to you a long time ago, babe.”

“Oh, I know, sweetheart. I just like making fun of you.”

“If that’s making fun of me, you should know I’ve had nastier conversations with the grubs in the nursery. Looks like somebody lost his touch while I was away,” they hiss under their breath. A slow smile spreads across their face as you bare your fangs at them. They’re totally fearless and it enrages and impresses you in equal measures.

The doorknob rattles. Both of you stiffen. Neither looks away.

It’s too long before the footsteps fade away, and even longer before you move. Then again, you’re forced to move because the first thing the alien does upon deciding they’re in the clear is to kick you in the shins like the little gremlin they are.

“You little-!”

“Sucks to suck, pretty boy. First one to your respiteblock gets the shower.”

“You do know I’m much faster than you, right? And stronger-?”

You don’t even get to finish your sentence before they disappear in a flash of light.

Spots dance before your eyes like you just got whacked upside the head with Elwurd’s bat, making you rapidly blink to clear them away. You don’t even realize you’re swearing up a storm before something tugs on your sleeve.

Wanshi looks up at you in awe as you begin to hate yourself even more than you already do. “Are you guys gonna need a bucket? ‘Cause I can go get one for you if you want.”

“... If you don’t ever tell a single soul what just happened I’ll bring you to wherever you want to go in the city the next night I’m off.”

“And you have to roleplay with me.”

“Fine, fine.”

“Deal!”

“Deal? I’m the one making a deal, you brat--”

Somehow, you manage to wrangle the hellion back into her respiteblock without attracting the attention of either Bronya or Lynera, which is a win in your book. When you get back to your own dorm, however, you’re greeted with the sight of an alien lounging on your carpet and a damp towel serving as their plate as they munch on a sandwich.

“Don’t worry, the towel’s mine,” they say in lieu of a greeting. Their post-shower scent clings to everything like a perfume. It’s distracting; you need a distraction.

“I still don’t know how you manage to eat anything with those useless teeth of yours. Do humans only eat soft food?” you snort.

“At least we don’t eat raw ass bones like some sort of wild animal.”

“Bones are good for exoskeleton development and strength.”

They pretend to gag. You throw your jacket at them and ignore their complaining as you go get changed in the other room. For the millionth time, you’re blown away by the fact they’re here. They’re here, and you’re both teasing each other and flirting and fighting just like they never even left.

You have no idea why this whole ordeal is impacting you so much. It’s not like you two were joined at the hip or anything before.

“Hey, Lanque?”

The real world returns as your friend’s voice registers in your thinkpan. “Yes?”

“How old are jadebloods when they have to start living at the caverns?”

“... Well, it depends. If there’s a shortage of workers at a nearby cloister then any jades nearby have a greater chance of getting chosen. Some start as young as three sweeps, some don’t have to until they’re six or seven.”

They’re silent for a moment. “How old were you? I mean, you don’t have to tell me--”

“I was four.”

“Oh.”

You grab a frozen burrito out of your hull and heat it up for dinner. When it’s ready, you throw it on a plate and rejoin the alien in the other part of the dorm. Their eyes are looking somewhere far away as you sit down beside them to lean against the loungeplank. The pajama shirt they’re wearing is far too big for them, draping listlessly over their petite frame, and your jacket is slung across their shoulders.

“I had a revelation the other night,” they tell you.

“Oh?”

“This is fucked up.”

“Anything in particular, or is this a ‘fuck my life’ sort of situation?”

“The caverns, actually. When we were sneaking out to go meet up with the teals, I just…” They gesture to nothing. “Jades really don’t get to be their own person, do they? When you get cloistered, that’s it. The rest of your life is devoted entirely to taking care of babies, of other people. And maybe some of them really like it! And they’re happy and find fulfillment in raising kids. But there’s so many people who just don’t. How are you supposed to find out who you are if you’re supposed to give everything you have away?”

You stare at them in amazement.

“Wanshi’s still losing baby teeth, for fuck’s sake! She should be outside, running around with other kids her age, getting dirty, having fun. She’s not-- she’s not supposed to be a mother! Not yet, anyways, if that’s what she wants when she grows up. Also, why the hell do you guys have to wear uniforms in your own home? Why are there drones in your own home? Jesus fucking Christ, this whole planet is a nightmare.”

“Don’t let Bronya hear you say any of that,” you say, because it’s the first thing that comes to mind after they stop to catch their breath.

Your friend groans and buries their face in their hands. “Look, Bronya’s great. She’s one of the most caring people I know. But can’t she see how this hurts a lot of the jades she’s supposed to be leading?”

“Again, dear. The caverns are her world.”

Eyes that are somehow green and brown and blue all at once train on you with a ferocity you’ve never seen before on your sweet-natured friend. “Lanque. When we win, no jade will ever have to live in a cloister, not if they don’t want to. Nobody will ever have to give up their life like that again. I can’t tell you how, or when, but it’s gonna happen whether the world likes it or not.”

“Don’t…” You swallow back something hard and painful in your throat. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“It’s not a promise. It’s a threat.”

You can’t help but laugh, even as something in your cold, twisted bloodpusher unravels and softens. If this little alien, who’s already half-asleep on your floor, says that they’re gonna change the world… well, who are you to not believe them?

You drag them up onto the loungeplank before they can pass out on you. And when you fall asleep as well, it’s with a racing thinkpan and strange dreams of a planet with vast blue oceans and a single silver moon hanging low in the night sky.

:::

The alien’s gone the next evening when you wake up. They did, however, leave a note for you on the loungeplank.

Lanque,

Thanks for letting me crash at your place. 10/10 loungeplank, would sleep on it again. Don’t sneak out today, I’m going to be at the bombed neighborhood helping out anybody who wants it. Say hi to the girls for me.

Have a good night, bitch.

XOXO,

- M

#riverbound #hiveswap #pesterquest #hiveswap friendsim trolls #Jadebloods #mspa reader #the guardian #homestuck #c13

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palmtreepalmtree · 5 years

Text

Alright guys, it’s time for a new edition of...

The Worst Movie on Netflix Right Now!

Let’s just say when this (Falling Inn Love) popped up in my feed on Thursday, I watched it immediately. Like --- I heard the opening bars of the promo music and my eyes dilated like I’d taken a deep hit of nitrous-oxide and I hit PLAY. Yup, it’s like that.

The Premise

So this falls into the pretty well-known category of made-for-TV romances I like to think of as “City Girl Rehab.” In these movies, whether they’re Christmas-time or whatever time, an ambitious urbanite is forced out into the country for some contrived reason and learns to value what’s really important. HINT HINT -- it’s not her job or her ambitions!

This particular story centers around Gabriela who works for some Chad at an internet start-up (that’s literally the character’s name) before things go entirely wrong. Within minutes of the movie starting, Gabriela loses her job and her boyfriend in a quick one-two punch. In a fit of rosé-drunk (a totally appropriate reaction to the shit-show of her life) she enters a scam-email contest to “Win an Inn!”

And of course, she does win the inn. Or at least that’s what an email tells her. And seemingly, that email is enough for this competent woman to pack a small suitcase, buy an airline ticket, and get on a plane to fucking NEW ZEALAND (hey kudos to New Zealand’s film commission board for enticing this production).

Anyhow, against all fucking odds, Gabriela has in fact won an actual inn. As in she now owns real property.

And that’s the end of the story! Gabriela is now a property owner! Happy ending! Woo!

...

No? Okay. Anyhow, the inn in question is in rather poor shape (that was a fun sentence to say in my head). So here comes a handsome contractor, Jake (I think? Fuck if I remember), to help her turn this money pit into a moneymaker!

From there, the movie continues to follow the usual tropes of small-town romance. A little bit of fish-out-water, a little bit of house-flipper, a little bit of love-hate, and we’re in business.

The Good

So, guys. I gotta confess. I made a fatal mistake on this one. I watched it twice.

I was falling asleep towards the end it felt unfair to review a movie I hadn’t entirely seen. Damn my conscience. Once you’ve seen a movie twice, it’s a lot harder to avoid finding things you like in it. And shit. There’s actually some decent stuff in here!

Decent is high praise in the land of made-for-TV romances. But here are some of the highlights:

First, the screenplay does a decent job of capturing the alienation of our current economy. Gabriela is stuck in a job where she can’t advance, in spite of her competence, because she’s blocked by techbro Chads and Kyles. Then the job dematerializes over-night for reasons the employees only learn about through Twitter. And when she tries to find something else, she jokes with a potential employer that she knows she’s overqualified, but they don’t have to tell anybody, right? Haha!?!?

Yeah. It sucks. And even though it’s played for breezy laughs by the director, it lands.

It’s obvious that the two writers of this movie, Elizabeth Hackett and Hilary Galanoy, actually thought about some of their choices in this story. Gabriela is a surprisingly proactive protagonist. For example, although the writers contrive for Gabriela to hit rock-bottom in a cliche way to kick this movie off, they’ve done so at least partially on her terms. When she realizes that her relationship isn’t progressing the way she wants, she ends it. When she realizes the inn situation isn’t exactly as she imagined it, she pivots to make the most of the opportunity for herself. This movie isn’t happening to her, she’s happening to it.

In addition, some of the tropes don’t quite end up where you would expect. I sighed at the appearance of a female rival---but it’s a rival for the property not the man. And that rival relationship doesn’t quite wind up where you expect. Same thing with her off-again boyfriend---when he returns in the final act, his response to Gabriela’s rejection isn’t misogynistic cruelty, but understanding and acceptance. If only all guys just nodded and smiled with acceptance and walked away. That’s the dream, ladies. That’s the dream.

I also wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t call out the occasionally witty bits and one-liners in this script, like: “Chad and his buddies are like a free-range bachelor party.” or “Finish up your Habitat for Hobbits and get on a plane.” It’s... not terrible?

The Bad

Now that I’ve been complimenting the film for about 20 paragraphs, you’re probably wondering why I still put this in the “worst” category.

It’s cause once they set their genre-twisting goals up high, they crashed through every fucking cliche on the way back down before landing with a fucking SPLAT.

First of all, what’s with the hate-him-before-you-love-him trope? Gabriela meets Jake with open hostility for reasons completely unknown either by the actress or the script. This is a good-looking guy with a nice smile. What’s the fucking problem!? Nobody knows.

Gabriela’s hostility to assistance in general seems strange and inconsistent. As if the writers/director are trying to make some sort of comment about female independence. But who gives a fuck? This isn’t a Destiny’s Child song.

Also, why does every director have to undermine a competent female character by forcing her into slapstick absurdity? It’s not relateable and it’s not particularly funny. Christina Milian, the actress playing Gabriela (you may remember her from pop stardom????), is under pains to behave in a way that few women would. She screams at a goat three times in this movie. It’s not fucking funny (although the goat is cute as hell and can stay). She rolls out of bed twice (in goat-related incidents). She physically hides from Jake at least once. She goes from doing a yoga headstand (impressive!) to not being able to do a tree pose (what!?).

Fucking hell, JUST LET THE WOMAN BE COMPETENT FOR ONCE.

But mostly, more than anything, Gabriela is a cardboard cut-out character here. She is every-woman, and thus, she is no one. All the other characters in this cliche little movie have at least something going on with them (even the owner of the hardware store has a cute running joke about never having had a nickname before but always wanting one). But with Gabriela, there’s nothing.

We don’t know anything about her. About her childhood or her family. Her education. Her passions. Jake prods her to open up at one point, and she responds by recounting the events from the first part of the movie: things in San Francisco sucked, so I applied for a win-an-inn contest. As if she never existed before the beginning of the movie. We know nothing about her.

The Ugly

So there’s a lot of not great stuff in this movie as described above. But some of the worst of it is just the cringe-factor shit. The poorly landed jokes. The dialogue that’s entirely too earnest. The stuff that makes you say aloud to no one in the room, Oh no.

Like when Gabriela refers to Jake as “Crocodile Dundee.” YIKES. Or a little sing-a-long number during a jeep ride that does not unfold in a way that it ever possibly could in real life (but hey, good job on securing some music licenses, Netflix!).

Or when someone starts a speech with, “I’ve learned that...” not once, but twice.

And then there’s the occasional moment where the directing is moving in perfect contradiction to what’s happening on screen like this exchange:

Shelley: It’s very rural. It’s incredibly... quiet.

Oh, really? It’s quiet?

There are cocktail party sound effects going behind Shelley’s dialogue here, and there are six extras, not including the two main characters, moving in and around the frame throughout this exchange. The effect is that it’s actually a pretty lively place. What the fuck? Is everyone shopping at the gardening store on the same day at the same time!? This is the whole town right here, right!?

This probably seems like nit-picking, but it’s an example of a weird disconnect that happens throughout the film, where the script is saying one thing, but the directing, either in tone or visual communication, is saying something entirely else.

When a movie is about a small town, there can’t be people in every single shot. You have to find a way to communicate that sense of remoteness visually. The town itself should be a character. It’s such a missed opportunity here, especially since it’s obvious they actually filmed in New Zealand!!!

In Conclusion

The overall message of this movie---which is the same in every movie of this little subgenre---is that people who live in small towns are kinder and more caring than people who live in the city, and that small-town life is qualitatively better. And you know what, they may have a point. I don’t live in a small town, but I sure fantasize about it a lot. Which is why this subgenre is so fucking effective.

And let’s be real. If someone were to give me free property pretty much anywhere, yeah, I’d probably move there too.

But no matter what these movies are trying to sell me, I’m pretty sure everywhere you go there’s assholes. Different place, different problems, different assholes.

And that’s why this is the Worst Movie on Netflix Right Now.

#the worst movie on netflix right now #i need a tag for these #this one was long #sorry not sorry #ptpt reviews

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oflionsheart · 5 years

Text

Final Space S1 Starter Sentences (6-10)

Feel free to change pronouns as needed!

"I think you need to, uh, crawl in a vent."

“I can do this.”

“We can’t let this guy win.”

“It’s my destiny.”

"Can I be your everything?"

“You’re not a good guy.”

“This is the end of the world.”

“I’ve been a terrible father.”

“You’ll only have 6 hours.”

“If you hit me, I will end you.”

“You sure there isn’t anything else that needs to be done?”

"Let's tear _____ a new butthole."

"Did you just whack me in the face with your stick?"

"Every time you go it alone, it ends in failure."

“We’re running out of time.”

“Are you detecting anything worth chatting about?”

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes.”

"You givin' me a little clap back? You givin' me the old clap back?"

“The more you resist, the stronger the trap becomes.”

"As excited as I am about today, I'm even more excited for tomorrow."

"What kind of cookies we talkin' about?"

"We've gotta get them out."

“Why do you even like me?”

“The cookies are done.”

“What do you say we beat the crap out of him?”

"You're not alone."

"I never thought I'd be creating a murder squad."

“Please don’t. Stop. Please. Stop!”

“I got a point? I know I do.”

“You’re getting worse.”

"You will need to manually navigate it into the aperture."

“Get off my ship!”

“I don’t know who you are.”

“It’s not that impressive.”

“If he wants a war, he’s got one.”

“I passed you years ago.”

"I cannot believe we are doing this."

“All of us are broken.”

“I had only one regret when I left.”

“You still want anything to do with me?”

“Should we get up?”

"He's impetuous, irresponsible & he takes nothing seriously."

“I have to save _____.”

“He above else demanded loyalty.”

"I feel so alone."

"Didn't know that could happen."

"Just gonna get my keys."

“Stand back.”

"Can you get me to _____?"

“We both know you won’t tell me.”

“I was sent to give you a choice.”

“He stays with us.”

“The time has come.”

“I thought you’ve just been skulking around.”

“Is this bad? It sure the hell is!”

“I don’t know what we are.”

“Would you stop making the face & hurry up?”

“I have no idea what that is, so I’m gonna look at you & nod in agreement.”

"It's, like, really freakin' piping hot."

“Fine boy you have here.”

“I can make you very happy here.”

“It’s obvious he’s been bathing.”

“This looks better.”

“I’ll miss you, friend.”

"That was love in action mode."

“Drop your weapons!”

“Things are about to get real.”

“We’ll never be able to break through.”

“Will is be dangerous? You betcha.”

“What if it’s too late?”

“You can tell me when you come back.”

“____ won’t let me have a guitar.”

“Everyone you’ve cared about is gone.”

"Thank you very much for believe in me."

“That’s a real, raw promise.”

“Traps are just open casting calls for heroes.”

"I'm struggling here."

“I sense doubt in you.”

“I can do ‘nowhere near close enough’.”

"That's not helping."

"It's okay, you can admit it."

“That was insensitive. Sorry.”

"Get me the hell out of here!"

"I'm not curious. I don't think anybody's curious."

"I'm going to kill _____ before he destroys all of us."

“What’s going on with _____?”

“Should I kill ____?”

“Quick, follow me.”

"We're all gonna die."

“Anything for _____.”

"I don't like this. All this right here, I don't like."

“I will use every last breath to make sure you succeed.”

“He would’ve figured this out.”

“You’re almost as good as me.”

"You're a danger to all of us."

“I’m not coming back.”

“Dude, no one’s surprised.”

“That makes you employee of the freaking month.”

"Don't worry. That's normal."

"The question is; are you ready?"

“Don’t shoot us.”

"This isn't a joke?"

“Do you really think I’m going to hang myself by guitar strings?”

“No one left to trust.”

"What do you want to do?"

"Don't let me go."

“All of what you see now will be gone.”

“You got my back, little buddy?”

"Did you just call me dad?"

"Great news. _____ is breathing."

“I spent many hours of my day planning this.”

“There’s a 99% chance that this is a trap.”

“You promised.”

“They don’t need me anymore.”

“Is this what death feels like?”

“You can abandon ship.”

"_____ is dead!"

“Goodbye, _____. I’ll miss you.”

"Let's fly through a sun!"

“It’s dangerous! It’s life-threatening! We’re probably gonna die.”

"Maybe it's a good time for me to move on."

“We’re gonna do both jobs.”

“Am I dreaming?”

"You & I are not gonna get along."

Please do not screw this up."

"I'm not doing that."

“You can’t do that.”

“I want you to experience the same pain you put me through.”

“He’s better than I would’ve ever hoped.”

"You're not hanging out with _____."

“What the heck took you so long?”

"Tell ____ what happens."

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“All files have been deleted.”

“This is no job for a kid.”

"What...the crap...are you doing?"

"Can we change that to something more cheerful?"

“I’m going in to get it.”

"Are you cold?"

“If we’re going out, we’re going out big.”

"_____ makes an excellent point."

"_____ wants to kill _____!"

“The good guys win in the end. They always do.”

"We're coming. Deal with it."

“This isn’t a fight. It’s a death sentence.”

"Is he breathing?"

“You’ve set a collision course.”

"We need to stop her right now!"

“I wish killing you could last a lifetime.”

"I got what I need."

"What the hell? You failed to mention me."

"You're the worst."

"Cut the crap. I want answers."

“Dude! What the freak!?”

“You’re saying _____ is worth the lives of-”

“The siren’s call is beckoning us to embrace.”

“I will never leave you.”

"I offer not madness, but salvation."

“Hang tight, little buddy!”

“I was chosen.”

"You have no chance."

"I was done anyway."

“I’m finishing the job.”

"Buckle up. This will be a bumpy ride."

“We’ve been doing missions together for years.”

"Any ghost-related stuff at all would be great."

“_____ always puts other people’s lives before his own.”

“Do I have to explain myself to you? I don’t.”

“Why would you even say that?”

"It's always, like, ten degrees colder in the shade."

"We've got bigger problems!"

“This guy is making great strides.”

"I need a sign."

“I didn’t invite you into my mind.”

“It’s so beautiful.”

“We need to get to _____.”

"Don't...don't say it."

“Seeing as I know you won’t listen to me - hurry.”

"What are my chances that I'm secretly an immortal?"

"You don't want to do this. Trust me."

“We’re being yanked into space.”

“We’re being attacked by ninja sea turtles!”

"Look at all the crap."

“There is no one beside you.”

“They chose their side & we’re on the other.”

"You should talk to _____."

"I would love to live."

"I think they're going to pick a fight."

"You have a more immediate problem."

“Shouldn’t we be concentrating on this?”

“I should probably start by apologizing to you.”

"You got this!"

“There isn’t much time.”

"Good lord, that's dark."

“Get her back!”

“What? No tunes, baby?”

“What is he doing here?”

“Thought I was never gonna get the chance to see the man you would’ve grown up to be.”

“You’re doing great.”

“Get on with it, you fun-sized devil.”

#[ic meme.]#ask to tag //#suicide mention //#death mention //#long post //

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a-toast-to-my-real-friends · 5 years

Text

LOVER RANKINGS

Alright, y’all may or may not know, I’m a Taylor Swift fan. Chad Willard posted his Rankings and Reasons for her newest album, Lover, and it inspired me to do the same. So, for the two of you who care about my personal Taylor opinions: here they are.

I haven’t sat with Lover long enough yet to really figure out where I am with it. Speak Now is my peak Taylor Swift album. I love the honesty and vulnerability on all those songs. My emotions oftentimes seem overwhelming, irrational, and illogical, and I feel like a crazy person because I tell myself, “Johnathan, you shouldn’t feel this way, so and so hasn’t done anything wrong, if anybody knew you were THIS upset about THIS situation, they’d all laugh and tell you to relax and calm down and that you were acting crazy.” And oh buddy, if I weren’t acting crazy before, best believe I’d act crazy after.

Speak Now makes me feel like it’s OK to be overwhelmed by my feelings, and Taylor does such a great job of saying exactly how I feel.

So I say all that to say, I’ll probably compare every Taylor album to Speak Now. Does Lover make me feel the same way Speak Now does? Yes and no.

I like Lover a lot. To be fair, I have listened more to the first half than the last, only because by the time I get to “Death By a Thousand Cuts” I want to go back and listen to “I Forgot that You Existed” again. I’m going to agree with what Chad said that Hannah said: “our enjoyment of her songs oftentimes stems from where our current relationship status is.” I’m so happy that Taylor is in such a healthy, great place emotionally, and that she’s so deeply in love – and the songs she’s made are SO GOOD; but I think I’m having a difficult time enjoying them the way I would if I were in a solid, committed, tried and true relationship. I listen to “I think he knows” and “Paper Rings” and “Lover” and instead of being all glowy and glittery I just feel – sad, I guess. Which maybe explains why I like Speak Now so much, because a lot of those are sad and Overwhelmingly Emotional.

Anyway, TO THE RANKINGS!

18: False God. I just think it’s sonically boring. It’s not fun to sing along to, and the lyrics don’t do enough for me to raise it any higher. I’m gonna give it a little bit longer, maybe it’ll eventually grow on me, but it’s dangerously close to becoming a skip.

17: Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince. I’m going to get dragged for this, but it’s got the same chord progression as “So it Goes” from REPUTATION, and tbh, that one is a skip for me too. Maybe I’m not deep enough or politically educated enough to see all the brilliance behind it, but I’ll give it points for the line “It’s you and me, that’s my whole world,” though.

16: It’s Nice To Have a Friend: Meh. This just seems like a list of unrelated things she’s done with Joe. Again, maybe I’m not deep enough to understand the brilliance, but what is she trying to say? And the song is so repetitive, it doesn’t keep my interest. All this snow, ya know?

15: The Man. It’s a fun song, good beats, fun to sing along to. But as a white male, the content is unrelatable to me. Which is the point, I suppose. The song isn’t meant for me. I appreciate it, for sure, and I think it’s important, but I just don’t feel the way she feels, so it’s just strange to sing along to it. I don’t wonder if I’d get there faster if I was a man, because I am a man.

14: Soon You’ll Get Better. OK, I LOVE this song, to be clear. It’s so sad, so relatable, so pretty to listen to. Hello Dixie Chicks, glad to have you back. I cried the first time I heard it, because I’ve followed along with her mom’s struggle with cancer, and I’ve two really close friends who have lost parents recently to sickness, and the thought of them feeling this way just breaks my heart. The only reason it’s so low on my list is because I like the other songs so much. Here’s where it starts to get difficult for me.

13: London Boy. This one is a lot of fun, it’s fun to sing along to, and I like the fast rappy bridge. Gotta work on getting those lyrics down. I also like the small details about the steps that we all take in relationships, specifically meeting all of his best mates and listening to his stories from uni.

12: ME!. Brendon Urie come through with those vocals. I think I’m a little biased towards this one, just because of the video, and the excitement that always surrounds a new Taylor era. It was the first thing we saw post REPUTATION era, snakes into butterflies, all the bright colors in the video, the peppy catchy chorus. I also strongly relate to “I know that I’m a handful baby…but I promise that nobody’s gonna love you like me.”

11: Daylight. Highly relatable content here. I always say Taylor knows exactly where I am and what I’m going through. Speak Now, I was living in New York, struggling in every aspect, and spent a lot of that era feeling pretty lonely and crazy, broken, losing friends and missing them but not knowing how to say any of that to them. Red was a carry-over. 1989 I had moved to Orlando, was living in the Wolf Den with a bunch of doods that I loved, everything felt neon and electric and exciting. Reputation I had been kicked out of my house and betrayed and felt very snake like, unforgiving, and hard-hearted. And February of this year, I moved into a house I had found, picked amazing people to move in with, and felt in control of my life again. And if you happen to follow Taylor culture, that’s the same month she posted the picture with the seven palm trees to her instagam, which kicked off the whole Lover era. I say all that to say, it was time for me to step into the daylight and let it all go. To be defined by the things that I love, not the things I hate, or haunt me in the middle of the night. I only want to see daylight and think of that that special person, you know?

10: Afterglow. Hello Speak Now. It’s all me, in my head. I’m the one that burned us down, but it’s not what I meant. I don’t want to do this to you, and I don’t want to lose this with you. It’s the perfect example, IMHO, of unconditional love. Here’s all my crazy. Here’s all my insecurities. They’re going to rear their ugly head, will you please love me even with those? Here’s what I need from you in those moments of temporary emotional insanity: Tell me that you're still mine, tell me that we'll be just fine, even when I lose my mind. Tell me that I'm all you want even when I break your heart. And when you do that, I’ll say “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” What a beautiful picture of loving and being loved in return.

9: You Need To Calm Down. I dunno how closely y’all follow my antics on Facebook, but when this video dropped, I casually posted it because I liked the message. As a believer in Christ, I feel the Christian community has done a HORRIFIC job of loving the LBGTQ community, and my simple post BLEW UP, proving my point. Sidebar, I also link the first listen of this song to being in Toy Story Land with Topher, Jessica, and Leslie, huddling around my phone under the giant Christmas lights for our second dive into New Taylor.

8: Paper Rings. Ok now it’s starting to get super hard narrowing it down. We’ve entered my True Jams™ section. The only reason this is at the bottom of my True Jams™ section is because I ain’t in love like this, so where I want to feel like glitter is exploding inside of me, I just feel like dried glue the glitter was meant to stick to. I love how deeply personal it is, I love the specificity, and the song is a BOP. Standout lyrics: “I’m with you even if it makes me blue,” and “I want your complications too, I want your dreary Mondays…”

7: I Think He Knows. A Bop. Fun. Sexy. Coy and flirtatious, while also owning her power. The rappy bits. I’ve never felt a longing for somebody’s body just by the way they hold a cold glass, but boy, does this song make me want to. What specifics, what detail. Also – “I want you, bless my soul.” HONESTLY. BLESS IT LORD.

6: The Archer. Giving me those Speak Now vibes. All my heroes die alone – I jumped from the train, I ride off alone. The LONGING. The wanting to be wanted. Knowing you’re good enough, knowing you have a lot to offer – but also knowing that it’s so much that maybe nobody can handle it all. I’ve got so much to offer, who could ever leave me? I’m too much to handle – god, who could put up with all of it?

5: Cornelia Street. My God can I relate to this. I’m ALWAYS looking for the ending, for someone I love to tell me they’re leaving because being with me is too much. I always prepare for the worst case scenario. And only recently have I started to believe that maybe the worst case won’t always happen? Maybe somebody will stay? But man, my natural impulse, my knee-jerk reaction, will always be to get as far away from any and all memories of the good times. I don’t want to be reminded of the beauty and joy and greatness because it will just keep reminding me that I don’t have it anymore, and there’s nothing I could do to get it back.

4: Death by a Thousand Cuts. Ahhh, yesss, Taylor. Speak to me of being left and of the heartbreak that brings. Also, make it a bop. I constantly find myself looking through the boarded up windows of past relationships, and I see the chandelier still flickering and see all the beautiful moments, though they may have lost the radiance they once had. Saying goodbye is the worst, endings are the worst, new beginnings mean something else ended stale. Also being given up like I was a bad drug – reminds me of a line from “Better Man”: “You pushed my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun.” Pure Taylor and I’m here for it.

3: I Forgot that You Existed. On repeat. Will dance and sing to this endlessly. Also always here for a good snarky twist of the kinfe.

2: Lover. Again, the longing. The vulnerability. Asking the questions that are scary to ask, that people would think you are insane for asking someone. Loving somebody so much that you put everything else aside, and all you want is to ask, “Can I go where you go?” Clingy. Needy. Co-dependent. As brave as it would be to ask a question like that, the fear of being seen as any of these things will keep most from doing it. Which probably hinders more than it helps, because if somebody loves us, truly loves us, we should be able to ask that without any fear of anyone or anything. But I’ll sing it and pretend.

1: Cruel Summer. SO. SINGABLE. I love the chorus. It gets stuck in my head. I love the lyrics. The frailty. A relationship that started as friends with benefits, her saying “it’s cool, no rules,” when secretly she’s falling in love and fears saying it, because she thinks it’d be the worst thing he’s ever heard. Yeah, OK, please stop reading my diary, girl. But the best part is, IMHO, he feels the same way about her, and also has feared speaking up, which is why he’s grinning like a devil, because he’s so happy because he feels the same way. 10/10 cant’ stop listening.

And there you have it, folks. Time may change my rankings, relationships may change my rankings, but from where I sit, 10 days in, these are my thoughts. If you made it this far, I’d love to know what you think of the album, and your rankings!!! As if I’ll ever pass up a chance to talk about/listen to someone talking about Taylor Swift. Sound off!

#TAYLOR SWIFT #lover #swiftes #swifty #taylurking

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brideofkylosolo · 6 years

Text

Updated Fanfic

I (finally) made the edits to my Adam Sackler fanfic so without further ado, here’s da smut:

Daddy’s Lil’ Monster

Girls fic (Adam X OC)

Adam is madly in love with his new girlfriend Piper and is certain she may be the one. Things take a sudden turn when he runs into her old boyfriend and their relationship is put to the test when something from her past is revealed.

Warnings: talk of violence/rape, angst, fluffy cuteness, swearing (so much swearing), NSFW

“Fuck I need to get laid so bad!” Adam whined. “I swear my nuts are gonna fucking fall off.”

Brad rolled his eyes at his friends over dramatic moans about his sex life. He swore, ever since he broke up with Hannah (or was it Jessa?), Adam had become more annoying; not that he wasn’t to begin with.

“What about Jessa? Your ex?” he asked as he took a bite of a fry. “Bet she’d be up for a fuck.”

“No,” Adam said. “Jessa and I are pretty much done.”

“Hannah?”

“Hell fucking no! Not Hannah, not Jessa, not ANY of my fucking exes.”

“Well that leaves out the better part of Brooklyn,” Brad mused.

Adam shot him a look.

“Well, face it, dude,” Brad said. “You do have a reputation of sleeping around and leaving the next day. You’re a certified man whore.”

Adam glared at him and was about to tell his buddy off when suddenly Brad’s attention went to a girl with black hair with red tips wearing a cute red dress with heels walking up to the counter.

“Piper?” Brad called out. The girl turned. “Hey, Piper! Long time no see!”

“Brad?” the girl (Piper) said. “Shit, I thought that was you. How you’ve been?”

“Good. Been keeping busy with work and shit, the usual.”

Adam pursed his lips together awkwardly as he eyed the girl.

“Oh, this is Adam Sackler. I know him from a play I did a few years ago. Adam, this is Piper Dawson. We went to college together.”

The two shook hands. Piper raised her eyebrows. “Weren’t you in that play not too long ago at that little theater off Howard Street? Equus wasn’t it?”

“Uh, yeah I was,” Adam replied. “You actually saw it?”

Piper nodded. “You were really good.”

Adam blushed slightly and smiled. “Thanks.”

Piper returned the smile. “It was nice running into you Brad but I got to get back to the office. Um, it was nice meeting you, Adam.” She touched Adam left arm and hurried off. He smiled.

Brad raised his eyebrows. He knew that look on Adam’s face all too well.

*************

Adam needed something to take his mind of all the shit that was happening. His audition didn’t go well at all, he nearly got hit by a taxi, he dropped his coffee, and to top it all off, he had forgotten his jacket. Plus it was starting to rain and of fucking course he forgot his umbrella.

He grumbled curses under his breath as he walked into the used bookstore, getting a few odd looks from customers. He quickly darted towards the back and began looking at the shelves. He really didn’t have any certain book in mind just wanted something to read, to get his mind off this shitty day.

He crouched down to grab a book on the bottom shelf and a familiar woman with black hair with red tips walked by him looking at the other shelf. Adam paused, looking at her.

“Piper?” he asked her.

The women looked at him slightly confused. Her eyes then widened as she recognized him. “Adam, right? Hey, how are you?”

Adam stood up. “Doing good. Just, ya know, getting some reading material.”

Piper smiled. “You look a little wet.”

Adam grinned, blushing a little. “Yeah I kinda got caught in the damn rain. Forgot my fucking umbrella. So, you’re getting some books too?”

“Yeah, just a few,” Piper replied.

Adam cranked his neck to look at the titles in her arms.

“The Handmaid’s Tale, The Uninvited, the Complete Works of H.P. Lovecraft, and How to Be a Woman?” Adam mused out loud.

Piper chuckled and adjusted the pile in her arms. “Not exactly intellectual reading, I know. But hey, it gets me through those lonely nights in my apartment by myself. Well, that and horror movies.” She looked at the book in Adam’s hand. “Warm Bodies?”

“Yeah,” Adam said with an embarrassing chuckle. “I figured the movie wasn’t half bad I might as well give the book a go. Plus, hell, zombies, ya know.”

Piper returned the laugh. “I hear you. Nothing like a good zombie book.”

Adam thought Piper was definitely pretty. Fuck no, she was drop dead fucking gorgeous. Her face was stunning, with pale skin, a cute nose, and sexy lips painted bright red. Her eyes were a bright blue, and framed by black cat’s eye glasses (was she wearing those the first time he saw her?). Her jet black hair had deep red tips and was slightly curled; it was pulled away from her face with a hair clip. She was dressed in simple jeans and a black and white striped shirt that hugged her curves; she wore black Converses and had a black bomber style hoodie. She definitely had a style all her own and she fucking rocked it. She didn’t look like most girls in New York. Fuck, thought Adam. She looks amazing.

“Hey, if you’re not doing anything later, do you wanna, hell I don’t know, get some pizza or some shit?” Adam asked as he ran his fingers through his shoulder-length hair. “I know this place not too far here that’s pretty good.”

“Sure,” Piper said with a smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Adam smiled. “Great”

Before long they were sitting in a booth in a tiny hole in the wall joint sharing a large sausage and mushroom pizza with extra cheese. They quickly found out they shared much more in common than the same pizza toppings. They both loved zombie movies (Night of the Living Dead easily topping both of their lists), had the same weird slightly deranged sense of humor, both loved haunted and abandoned places (Piper couldn’t believe Adam had never heard of the abandoned subway system right in NYC), and they both loved obscure random things (Adam raved about his favorite store near his apartment that he swore sold witchcraft stuff that none of his friends would go into with him). They also didn’t drink, liked to go jogging, and loved Nathan’s hot dogs (with chili and cheese of course). Adam told her all about his dream to make it big in New York as an actor (a serious one, not some smuck who did lowbrow stuff). Piper told him about her love of comics (her favorite writer was Grant Morrison and she LOVED Harley Quinn) and how she was working as a secretary at a travel agency, but only until she got a job at DC comics; she even showed Adam some of her sketches and Adam reassured her she’d be famous in no time (“Fuck, that’s way better than the shit I draw!”).

Before they knew it, the owner was starting to give them looks (had they really been there for over three and a half hours?) and they left. Neither of them wanted to really go home so they just wandered around Brooklyn, still talking.

“I still can’t believe you saw that play I did on Howard Street,” Adam commented as they walked. “Shit, I didn’t think anybody went to that. Plus I was fucking horrible in that.”

“No, you were amazing, really,” Piper said. “You really brought that guys character to life. That nightmare scene was fucking amazing.”

Adam blushed with a smile. He was used to girls (and a few guys) gushing over him, telling him how sexy, and talented he was but he knew those were just hallow compliments made in hopes he’d be eager to fuck them. Piper’s compliments were real though. He could tell she was genuine, that she wasn’t just saying things to fuck him. Not that he’d be against the idea.

Piper giggled.

Adam gave her a funny look. “What?”

“Nothing,” she said. “Just think it’s kind of cute how every time I give you a compliment, you turn about twenty shades of red. Do people never give you compliments?”

“No,” Adam replied. “Fuck if anything, I get too many of them. Yours are, well different.”

Piper raised her eyebrows.

“Fuck I didn’t mean it like that!” he exclaimed. Shit, not even done with the first date and he was already fucking things up.

Piper just smiled. “Adam, relax. I get it.”

It was Adam’s turn to raise his eyebrows.

Piper playfully hit his arm. “Oh shut up, you fucking dweeb!”

The two of them sat on a bench.

“What I mean is, well, my last I guess what you call serious relationship was mostly just, well empty. The asshole pretty much just wanted to bone me so he said what he’d thought would make me want to fuck him.” She groaned and shook her head, her curls bouncy on Adam’s shoulder. “Fuck, can’t believe I just told you that.”

“What do you mean?”

“First Date 101: never tell the guy about your ex or how he wanted to fuck you. Its right up there with don’t tell a guy you want to have babies really soon and that you’re in a cult.”

“Wait, you’re in a cult?”

“Fucking hell!” She rolled her eyes at him. “Yes, yes I’m in a cult. We worship cheese and have orgies while smearing butter on each other.”

“Cheese is pretty good,” Adam remarked pretending to be deep in thought. “Especially feta.”

Piper pinched his side, making him laugh. “You fucking meatball.”

“Meatball?” Adam repeated. “Eh, not the worst I’ve been called.”

Piper groaned. She took his left hand in her right one, her fingers laced through his large ones. She gave it a squeeze and rested her head on his left shoulder. “Oh, Adam Sackler, whatever is a girl like me to do with you?”

They sat in silence, soon figuring they both needed to get home before more rain came.

“Here’s my place,” Piper said as they stopped in front of nondescript apartment building. “I really had a great time today. Thanks for the pizza and stuff.”

“No problem,” Adam said. God, he so wanted to kiss her but at the same time didn’t want to fuck things up by jumping into things too fast. What was his deal? He never missed a chance to make out with a hot chick (no, Piper was not just some random chick, she was special) and eventually they’d end up in her or his bed fucking like rabbits well into the night. Then they’d part ways the next morning over coffee and breakfast with promises to see each other again but they never would since that apparently wasn’t his style. He was notorious for his one night stands. But Adam didn’t want that to happen; he wanted to see Piper again. He wanted to take her to the movies, to all the places Jessa, Hannah and the others didn’t want to go to. He wanted to just walk around or explore some abandoned place with her, just actually just spend time with her. He actually wanted a real fucking relationship with her, not his usual “fuck buddies” type. He never wanted that with any girl he dated. The fuck was going on with him?

The stood there for a few awkward minutes. “So, um, there’s this exhibit at a gallery near my work. Some photographer is showing a few of his pieces. Landscape and buildings type stuff. Do you, um, I don’t know, wanna go tomorrow?”

Adam smiled. “Yeah, I love to. I mean, I don’t have anything going on so, so yeah, I’d love to go with you.”

“Great, I’ll give you my number and you can give me a call or text me or something.”

She put her number in his cell phone and he put his into hers. Piper adjusted her tote bag.

“Thanks again for dinner.” She stood on her toes and gave him a quick kiss on his left cheek. “G’night.” She hurried up the stairs and into the building.

“Night,” Adam called after her. He grinned as she disappeared behind the building doors, giving him a quick wave as she walked in. “FUCK YEAH!” he exclaimed as he pumped his fist into the air and headed home.

*************

“Shit, you look happy as fuck,” Ray commented as him, Adam, and Brad walked towards their favorite record shop. “You finally get your ass laid?”

“Shut up,” Adam retorted as they walked inside the shop.

Brad raised his eyebrow. “You and Piper haven’t fucked yet? Damn, I thought you’d be all over her after you ran into her at that bookstore. That you two be fucking like animals.”

“Piper?” Ray asked. “You got a new fuck buddy, huh Sackler?”

“Piper is not a fuck buddy,” Adam replied as he started to thumb through a crate of records. “And not that it’s any of your business, but no, we have not fucked like animals, as you so eloquently put it.”

“Damn, this has to be a new record,” Ray mused. “Sackler meets a hot chick and three weeks later she still hasn’t rode his cock. You starting to lose your touch?”

“I’m about to punch you if that’s what you mean,” Adam said as he glared at his friend.

They weren’t wrong though. Adam and Piper had been dating for over three weeks now and still haven’t slept together. Sure they spent time at each other’s places and even made out on a few occasions but it never went beyond that. And Adam was just fine with that. He was actually just fine with it.

“Yo, Brad!” a voice boomed.

“Oh, hey Chad,” Brad said. “How’s it going?”

“Not bad.”

“Oh this is Adam and Ray. Guys, this is Chad Paul. We roomed together for a bit.”

Chad greeted them with handshakes. Ray looked like he recognized him but didn’t say a word.

“Say, have you heard from Piper?”

Adam’s ears perked up.

“Piper? No man I haven’t.” Brad said. “Why you ask?”

“I just tried texting her a few days ago and she never got back to me. Just wanted to talk to her, see how she is, that’s all.”

“I’m sure Adam can pass a message to her.”

Chad looked confused. “You know Piper? Piper Dawson?”

“Uh, yeah,” Adam said. “I mean, we’ve gone out a few times. Suppose to have dinner with her later.”

“Oh, so you’re seeing her?” Chad said, his demeanor changing. “Well, good luck with that.”

“The fuck does that mean?” Adam asked giving the other man a confused look.

“Well, she’s you know, a sort of crazy type of girl,” Chad replied.

Adam’s gaze darkened. “I’m not too clear what you mean by crazy.”

“Oh, you know, she tends to exaggerate about what really happened while we went out. You know how girls are sometimes.”

Ray and Brad exchanged looks. They knew Adam had a temper like no other and didn’t need, nor wanted to, break up a fight in the middle of a store.

“Anyway, I better get going.” Chad turned to Brad. “We’ll have to hit up a Weston’s for a drink sometime.”

“Yeah,” Brad said with an uneasy smile and Chad walked away.

“Well that guy was an ass,” Ray commented.

“What the fuck was he talking about?” Adam asked.

“About Piper?” Brad asked. “They had a nasty break up. Something happened. Whatever, just don’t worry about it.”

Adam couldn’t help but worry.

*************

Adam took several deep breaths as he slowly climbed the stairs to Piper’s apartment. The conversation with Chad was still fresh on his mind and he was trying to work through what he was told. He soon reached her door and knocked. Piper soon answered it still wearing her pajamas even though it was well into the afternoon, a fitted blue shirt and matching bottoms. Her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head.

“Adam! Hey, I thought you were hanging out with your friends today.”

Adam shrugged his shoulders. “We got done a little early.”

Piper furrowed her eyebrows at his demeanor. “Well, come in. Sorry, the place is a mess. I haven’t gotten around to picking things up.”

Adam walked into Piper’s tiny junior apartment, hung his jacket up on the hanging coat rack, and plopped down on her couch, his gazed fixed ahead at the TV; some black and white movie was on the screen. It wasn’t much bigger than 600 or so square feet but it was roomy enough for her. Piper’s “weird” style was evident in the various posters of Betty Page and Harley Quinn on the walls amid IKEA furniture made her place seem, well, homey.

“How has your day been?” Piper asked as she went into the fridge to get Adam a bottle of water.

“Fine,” Adam said in a flat tone. “We ran into your ex at the record store.”

Piper tensed at hearing that news. “You did?”

“Chad, think his name was.”

Piper set the water bottle down on the counter and rested her hands on the edge. “What did he say? No wait, let me guess. Was it that I’m a lying bitch, a slut who can’t get enough dick, or a psycho that needs to be locked up?”

Adam looked at her in confusion. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of Piper’s bold reply.

“Or was it all three?” added Piper, her fists balling up in a rage Adam had never seen from her. “That seems to be what he told our friends, or rather his friends when I left him.”

Adam was getting more confused. “You dumped him?”

Now it was Piper’s turn to be confused. “Yes! What did you think happened?”

“I don’t fucking know! That you cheated on him! That you were married to him! That you’re still married to him! That you guys broke up and still fuck each other behind my back! You really haven’t given me a whole fucking lot to go on!”

“That I fuck him behind your back?!?!?! Jesus fucking Christ! Adam, he raped and tried to fucking kill me!”

Adam was floored. “He fucking what?”

Piper took a deep breath and went into her bedroom. She returned with a folder and tossed it on the coffee table in front of Adam, sitting down in the blue chair next to the couch.

“Go on and fucking read it,” she said as she started to cry, not looking at Adam. Her arms crossed in front of her. He could tell she was really pissed at him. He knew something wasn’t right.

Adam opened the folder and picked up the piece of paper on top. It was a police report. He started to read it and felt sick to his stomach. The report detailed how Chad repeatedly raped Piper. How when she fought him, he punched her, breaking her nose and nearly breaking her cheekbone. Adam could barely get through all five pages.

“There’s some lovely pictures in there of me as well,” Piper added in a dead tone.

Adam saw them. He felt vomit creep up his throat at the one of Piper’s face. At least he thought it was her; he honestly couldn’t tell considering how bruised and bloody it was.

Adam was speechless.

“He was pissed after I “embarrassed” him at a party,” Piper stated, her tears falling silently down her face. “He couldn’t believe I would dare yell at him for dangling me over a six-story fire escape in front of his friends. It’s not like he didn’t know I hate heights.”

“He went to jail though, right?”

“For two months. The fucking judge said Chad didn’t deserve to have his life fucked up over one stupid argument that just got out of hand. Said I should have just left him the first time he hit me.” She wiped a tear away. “Fuck. I just knew this was fucking going to happen. I knew that this was all going to go to fucking hell.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This. Us,” Piper said as the tears start to fall faster. “Every single time I start dating and the guy finds out about Chad or what happened, it’s fucking over. They just ghost me like I’ve got the fucking plague. I’m just the fucking crazy ex who lied about what he did to me cause a guy like Chad would never do something like that. Forget that I had bruises and shit. Fuck, even most of my friends didn’t believe me when they found out. I fucking lost everyone.”

“Babe,” Adam breathed and went to hug her. Piper stood up to run and he grabbed onto her elbow. She recoiled at his touch, pulling away from his hand.

“No,” Held up her hands. “Just please no. Just don’t fucking touch me!” She bolted into her room before Adam could grab her again.

“Piper wait!” he yelled after her as he heard her closet door slam.

Adam let out a string of curses and followed her. He jiggled the closet door but it wouldn’t budge.

“Piper?” he called to her as he gently knocked on the door. “Come on kid, let me in.”

“Go away, Adam!” came her muffled reply.

“Come on, please?” Adam persisted.

“Go. The. FUCK. AWAY!”

Adam grimaced at her words. He knew she was hurting and it was starting to fucking hurt him as well. God, he just wanted to hug her, to make her pain go away.

He leaned closer to the door. “They’re coming to get you, Barbara,” he said in his best creepy voice.

“Go fuck yourself, Adam Sackler!”

Adam rested his forehead against the door with a chuckle. “Ok, I deserved that.”

Adam turned around and sat at the base of the door, he broad shoulders resting against the door.

“You know I can sit here all night if I have to,” he casually called out.

Piper didn’t reply. All Adam could hear was her sobs. God fucking damnit, he just wanted to hug her, to tell her he wasn’t going anywhere. He knew if he wanted to, he could bust the door down and drag her out but given her state of mind at the moment, he decided against that; it would certainly make things a hell of a lot worse.

Adam sighed and leaned his head back against the door. “What happened wasn’t your fault, babe. Chad’s a fucking asshole who deserves to have his dick chopped off and fed to rats for what he did to you. And those bastards that left you once they found out? Fuck them too. Fuck everyone who didn’t believe you or hurt you. They deserve to rot in hell.”

Adam closed his own eyes, his own eyes welling up with tears. “Look, I know I can’t erase what happened to you. Fuck, I wish I could though. But I fucking promise you one thing: I’m not going anywhere so looks like you’re stuck with me for a while, kid.” He managed a weak smile. “I love you. Fucking hell, I love you! And I honestly don’t say that too often. You’re the best thing to happen to me since, fuck if I know when. And I fucking swear I’m going do whatever I can for you. I’m here for the fucking long run, I promise you.”

The door behind him suddenly opened and Adam fell backwards landing on his back. Piper was looking down at him with tear-stained eyes.

“You know the view from here isn’t too bad,” Adam remarked as he looked up at her with a smile.

Piper returned his smile. “You are such an idiot, Adam Sackler,” she retorted as she sat back down.

“But you gotta admit I’m a cute one.”

She lifted Adam’s head and placed it in her lap, running her fingers through his shoulder-length hair. “Fine, I’ll give you that.”

The two of them sat in silence for a while, Piper running her fingers through Adam’s dark hair with her left hand while he held her right.

“You know that tattoo I was talking about getting last week?” Piper hesitantly said.

“Yeah?”

“I got it.”

Adam flashed a smirk. “You didn’t.”

Piper nodded and leaned back, lowering the waist of her pajama pants to reveal three diamonds, one in black two in red on her hip, just above her panty line covered in a clear film.

Adam turned his head to look at it and his eyes got wide. “Isn’t that what Harley Quin has on her leg?”

Piper nodded. “Do you like it?”

Adam nodded. “Fuck yeah.”

“It’s still healing so I gotta keep the clear bandage on it for a little longer,” she explained.

Adam had never wanted to get a tattoo; he was worried it would hurt his chances of getting certain roles. Not that he had anything against them though. He had dated (and slept with) lots of girls with tattoos. He even found them kind of sexy, to be honest.

He gently ran his left finger over the image. Piper winced a little.

“Does that hurt?” he asked.

“A little bit.”

“How about this?” Adam asked then leaned in and kissed it.

Piper started to hiss but soon moaned at the feeling of Adam’s lips on her skin. “Fuck.”

Adam deepened his kiss, Piper starting to squirm a little in pleasure.

Adam pulled away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You didn’t,” Piper replied.

Adam gave her a funny look. Piper playfully smacked Adam’s arm. “Shut up, you weirdo.”

“Hey, I didn’t say anything,” he said with a chuckle.

Adam reached up and moved a stray piece away from her face. Piper took his hand in hers and kissed his palm. She then leaned down and kissed him on the lips. He melted into it, subconsciously pushing himself up. Piper cradled his head in her hands, her fingers entangled in his hair. Adam tentatively reached up and cradled her face with his hands, his thumbs caressing her cheek; he started to moan as did she.

Piper straddled him and deepened the kiss. She slowly raised herself to meet his kiss, balancing on her knees. Adam felt himself getting turned on; very turned on. He slowly moved his left hand to her lower back and up her shirt, gently massaging her. Piper moaned louder.

Adam pulled away, his breath in short gasps. “Piper, kid, are you okay to do this?”

Piper nodded. “Yes,” she whispered. “I am.”

Adam picked her up and gently carried her to the bed, laying her down on her back. He gently kissed her on the lips. As much as he wanted to tear off her clothes and just fuck her with raw abandon, he didn’t want to hurt her, especially after what her last ex did to her. No, he was going to make sure he didn’t fuck this up; he was going to make absolutely sure he did it right.

Piper reached up and placed her hands on his chest, her touch sending shivers down his spine. He felt her hands slowly travel to the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it over his head. Adam’s right hand traveled to the top of Piper’s pajamas and slowly pulled them down exposing her pink boyshorts; she arched her back and moaned. Her hands went to the waist of his jeans and fumbled with his belt. He felt himself start to get hard, really hard.

Piper slide Adam’s jeans off his hips and ran her fingers up his muscular abs. “Fuck,” he breathed, pulling away from the kiss.

Piper continued to kiss Adam’s jawline, her hands running through his dark hair. She pressed her pelvis into his. God, she wanted him so bad. She reached up and gently touched him through his underwear with her right hand, her fingertips slowly tracing his length. Adam shuddered and felt himself get harder.

With shaky hands, Adam slowly touched Piper’s hips, his fingers grazing along the hem of her underwear. He wanted to rip the fabric away but the worry of making her uncomfortable or hurting her prevented him from going his normal fast pace.

Piper slowly reached into his black underwear and ran her fingers along his sex. Adam hitched his breath as the touch sent jolts up his spine; he gripped the sheets. It felt fucking wonderful.

Piper giggled at his reaction. She could tell he was eager to fuck her and she was eager to fuck as well. God, she wanted him so badly. She gently took his right hand and guided it between her thighs. His large fingers gingerly touched her and she let out a tiny moan.

Adam slowly slipped his fingers past the hem of her boyshorts and the tip of his middle finger touched her nub. She let out a gasp and arched her back.

“Oh, God yes,” she whimpered as she closed her eyes and gripped the sheets next to her in bliss.

Adam gingerly touched the spot again; Piper let out another whimper and arched her back. “Oh fuck!”

Adam licked his lips and softly pushed his finger against her bud again sending another wave of ecstasy up her body. “Oh fuck me!” she moaned.

Adam took a deep breath and softly kissed Piper on the lips, slowly removing her pink underwear. He carefully positioned himself at her entrance. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes,” Piper breathless said.

“Positive? Cause I can stop if you want.”

“For fuck’s sake! I swear Adam if you don’t hurry up and stick your goddamned dick in me, I’m going to handcuff you to this fucking bed and have my way with you!”

Adam looked at her in slight confusion. “You really have a pair of handcuffs?”

“No,” Piper huffed as she crossed her arms.

Adam looked at her like he didn’t believe her.

“Maybe.” Piper covered her face with her hands. “Ok fine, yes I have a pair!”

“If you really want to,” Adam said, “I’d be ok with letting you handcuff me and, you know, do whatever you want.”

Piper uncovered her eyes and looked at him in disbelief. “Are you serious?”

Adam nodded. He held both his hands up and pouted, flashing his best puppy dog eyes.

Piper giggled. She reached into the bottom drawer of her bedside table and pulled out a pair of plastic, fuzzy pink handcuffs. Adam lay down were Piper was and she straddled his stomach. She attached one cuff to his left wrist, raised it above his head, looping the cuff through the metal headboard and attached the other cuff to his right wrist.

She moved down, positioning herself so that Adam’s erection was at her entrance and slowly lowered herself on to his throbbing erection, moaning in pleasure as she settled. She rested her hands on his stomach and ever so slowly raised and lowered her hips gradually increasing her pace.

Adam nibbled on his lower lip at the sight of Piper riding his length, her head thrown back in bliss. He swore it was the most fucking beautiful sight he’d ever seen. He was definitely more the type of guy to take the reins, so to speak, whenever he had sex but holy fucking shit, this was amazing. He could get used to having Piper ride him cowgirl style real easy.

Piper ran her fingers upwards and rested her hands on Adam’s pecs as she nibbled her bottom lip, her hips moving at a more fevered pace.

Adam balled his fists around the plastic cuffs in pure bliss at the way Piper’s pussy felt around his cock; he soon felt the cheap plastic chain give way releasing his hands. He placed his hands with the handcuffs still around his wrists on Piper’s hips as she grinded her hips. “Fuck,” Adam groaned feeling himself come close to orgasm.

She leaned forward and gripped the headboard to get a better leverage, never once breaking her movements. “Oh god! I’m gonna, I’m gonna… FUCK!!!!”

Piper let out a throaty moan as she came, her canal tightening around Adam’s erection. He soon followed, letting out his own blissful moan as he came and came hard.

Piper collapsed on Adam’s chest, trying to catch her breath. She rolled over onto her back. “Holy fuck, that was amazing!”

Adam just nodded his agreement his mind still reeling from what very well was the best fuck he’d had in a long time.

Piper gently poked Adam’s face. “You still alive?”

Adam giggled. “Yeah, just, holy fucking shitballs, that was fucking incredible.”

“Yeah, it was,” Piper agreed with a content sigh. It had been a while since she had a really good fuck. Her luck on the dating front was pretty much shit since most guys didn’t stay long after they found out about her past. The fact that Adam didn’t bolt once she told him had to mean something, right?

Adam held up his right hand with the broken handcuff still attached to it and let out a snort.

Piper laughed and dangled Adam’s hand by the broken plastic chain. “Least we got one use out of them,” she said as she unhooked them, tossing them to the floor.

She snuggled against Adam’s broad chest, breathing in his sweat musky scent. Adam rested his cheek against the top of her head, gently stroking her hair. The two of them lay together on the bed, enjoying each other.

“You hungry?” she asked suddenly. “I could really go for some Chinese food.”

“That does sound good,” Adam remarked with a smile. How did he ever get so lucky to find such an amazing woman?

#adam sackler #girls #fanfic #smut #fluff #adorable

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miikkasakari · 7 years

Text

I did not see Age of Ultron in theatres. Not only could I just not make the timing work, but I also kind of didn’t want to.

It is plot heavy. It is very plot heavy! And it’s certainly not boring. I probably benefited from having only watched it once, years ago, so there was a ton I’d forgotten to keep me suitably entertained, but there was a handful of key problems, too: this is a universe interconnected on characters, and they left someone in charge who kept falling all over and misreading them.

Using Tony’s fear and trauma - enhanced by Wanda - to get the whole thing kickstarted works. There’s no quarrel there. And I will very happily take all of the Science Bros stuff, wherein Bruce is all “this is a bad idea” and Tony is all “is it though?” and Bruce is all “probably?? But I’mma still help.” I have a lot of appreciation for that! One of the benefits to having already had a team up movie is we don’t have to wait for everybody to get all buddy buddy, they already are. (Also, Ultron developing his quippy style from Tony to the point that even Klaue recognized it worked. He was actually a very fun villain in that sense. Spader probably deserves most of the credit.)

Also, a side note: Thor’s formal speech plummeted in this one and you can rationalize it by “oh he’s hanging around with his Earth pals” which is legitimate. But also, it just makes him much more entertaining. He’s funny, when he isn’t running off and being cryptic. Bruce asking how bad the damage was early on and Thor is just like “You killed so many people it was awesome!!” only to realize that that was the last thing Bruce wanted to hear... It doesn’t know it but that one moment does a pretty good job laying some foundational seeds for Ragnarok.

But anyway. There isn’t much quarrel with Tony, or Bruce, or Thor’s characterizations, really. I guess you can’t criticize Clint too much either since this is the first movie in which he’s allowed to have a personality. And I guess that was the justification for “oh and also he has a secret family” like Matt Fraction’s immensely popular human disaster run wasn’t right there the entire time. They couldn’t even salvage it by having Clint’s random wife be named Bobbi. (Who the hell is Laura?!) They took a character we know nothing about, gave him a bit of a spotlight to highlight why he’s on the team to begin with, and diminished it by writing in something that was both confoundingly lazy and unnecessary. What does anybody get out of Clint being a married man? Seriously, what? Every moment you can appreciate him has that niggling in the background that there is a completely unsettling, out of place element now added to his character. When he comforts Wanda and ultimately gets her back in the end fight the mood is supposed to be “he can do this because he’s a dad and has experience with it” when it should have been “he can do this because he’s just a regular guy and knows what it’s like to feel scared and inadequate”.

The theme of family is so horribly out of place. Ultron makes a crack about humans being replaced by their own children, doesn’t follow up on it. Clint’s wife is expecting their third child and nothing on that. Bruce shares his angst that he physically cannot have kids which is fine, because it has been addressed twice: he couldn’t fuck Betty again, and he alludes to it in the first Avengers when he’s been on the run and forlornly swings a cradle. Natasha then randomly jumps in with her “I’m a monster because I was sterilized” angst which, where the fuck did that even come from? At literally what point has Natasha expressed any desire to have children? Ever? She is very clearly extremely competent in her career and is a great friend but absolutely nowhere did that ever to come up. Your misogyny is showing, Joss.

Which isn’t even to say anything about the overall mess that is Bruce and Natasha apparently as a couple. Which I’m pretty sure only happened because Joss was like “ha I made her afraid of him for a moment in the first film, like this isn’t a character who originates from a background full of domestic abuse, they should get together now, it’ll be great” (your misogyny is showing!!!). If Betty is just like, not allowed to exist anymore, that’s one thing, but no reference to her? (Or is the reference supposed to be referring to the Hulkbuster armour as Veronica? What kind of sick joke is that?) Bruce has randomly moved on to somebody he has shown zero romantic inclinations towards because... reasons? Natasha wants a boyfriend now because... reasons?? She has chemistry with Clint and Bruce has chemistry with Tony and they don’t really have anything to do with one another outside of their opening scene but okay???

Another quibble: Bruce refers to himself as a monster because. He is. He literally is. No scene better displays that than after Wanda manipulates his mind and he goes on a rampage singlehandedly causing the deaths of god knows how many. (Good foundation for Civil War.) Even if Natasha actually did have angst about being sterile (again, which, why?), even if that could be played totally straight... not a monster. Tony refers to himself and Bruce as monsters, too, but it’s in more of a jokey mad scientist way, and Bruce has probably already accepted that from him by this point because it’s pretty clear they’ve been working together for a while now and built a pretty established friendship from when they met on the Helicarrier. But the undermining of what the Hulk is is just weird - and it was a good choice to have him just nope out and walk away from the team.

Killing Pietro off was weird because like he can run fast enough to move Clint and that kid out of the way but sure he had a death wish instead or something. Literally no reason for him to die. Like a male fridging.

It was good to see more Rhodey. Rhodey deserves more appreciation! Let him have fun, especially with the Iron Man trilogy over. It’s also really good to have that kind of character around that Tony knew well before and has that deeper level of friendship with.

Steve was a soldier in the army. Guaranteed he knows more swears than everyone else on the team combined. Thor would be elated to hear them all. “Steve is an old white man form the early 1900s” characterization confirmed even though he’d be late 20s/early 30s at absolute worst. He did have some nice, actually friendship-y back and forth moments with Tony, which was nice, but they could have done a better job laying the ground down for it so that Civil War would have stronger impact. Also, where did the notion that Steve needs to fight a war come from? He grew up during the depression. My dad and I were literally just debating what year he was born in. By the time he was of age there was a war going on overseas. Most of his early life that he’d remember was filled with injustices and he just wanted to right them. That doesn’t mean he’s all about fighting now, he’s not Thor. Sam gets a throwaway that he’s the one trying to find Bucky which, what in the actual fuck?? Steve had two previous movies of his own in which he has a singleminded focus on Bucky and now all of a sudden no, he isn’t looking for him because he has to go fight wars? All he probably wants at that point is to find Bucky and get caught up on all the culture they’ve missed with him and his little list. Come on now. Wanting justice across the world and wanting things to be right doesn’t equate to “I have to fight all of the time because I don’t know what my place in the world is anymore”. Hell he could’ve had a great discussion on places in the world with Clint except oh no wait Clint has a secret family now for some reason.

Age of Ultron is pretty essential watching when it comes to continuity. Right! I know where the mind stone came from now! (Vision is awesome, by the way, I’m totally skipping out on that. And when it first looked like Jarvis had died it was extremely upsetting. How to make you feel for machines: every movie featuring Iron Man will do it.) And as an action movie it is very entertaining. It tries to have two of its own Avengers shot moments - like the first one, where they pan around the six of them and you can feel just how much that shot was earned like, radiating off the screen - the first one in Age of Ultron works because it’s a fly by, the second, when they’re all protecting the key or whatever it was doesn’t because yeah, it’s badass, but it isn’t earned at this point. This isn’t big and dramatic anymore. We’re past that. It’s just how it is.

The main problem, though, is the MCU is built on deeper thinking and deeper character interactions. And the more you think about Age of Ultron, the more it falls apart, because it was put in the hands of someone who didn’t quite get all of the characters. And if you mess up the characters... what do you have in this universe, exactly? I’m sure some are there for the big threats and action sequences. But a lot of us are there for the friends we made along the way. And Joss Whedon sucks. Thank god he’s out.

#mcu essay dorking

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bid00f-archive · 7 years

Note

my boy tamama for the character thing. and or keroro

Yeah buddy! Time for a double feature, I can practically write an essay about these two, though really, I can write an essay about all five of the main Keronians. It is Not That Deep, but it certainly could be. So, thank you! They are surprisingly interesting characters to talk about in length if you read between the lines, so time to blab about the sugar guzzling tadpole and the sergeant himself~!

Favorite Thing About Them:

🔰Ever since I got into Keroro like, three years back, I absolutely adored how he is the parody of the classic “cute and lovely” mascot character. He is obviously designed to look the cutest out of a cast of cute critters, just look at those huge eyes, sweet smile, and adorable little tail; so when it was shown that he has a less than cutesy side to him, I started to like him! It made him less of an archetype. I do have major issues with episode 7 Part B, but that was the episode that made me actually like Tamama since it showed that despite being cute, he still has problems and consequences for what he does which causes that sweet, sweet internal conflict.Tamama is truly a good guy, he just needs to grow but in an anime/manga that is like, 99.9% gags and slapstick that is on shaky ground.

⭐What I like most about Keroro is that, he can actually be a very sweet guy even though he usually has his own interests front and center. Episodes that show him actually helping out others tend to be the sweetest to watch, even when it ends more bittersweet, such as episode 5 when he tries to help a doomed toy store and its’ owner. He may be lazy and incompetent, or at least appears to be, but that is what actually makes him more appealing to me!

Least Favorite Thing About Them:

🔰 His love for Keroro, while sort of sweet, can make him do some uncool things. First example being the aforementioned episode 7 Part B, the episode is done less severely than in the manga where he kidnaps Angol Mois to take naughty photos of her to send to Keroro, even going as far to strip her down. The anime adaptation took it down a notch by having Tamama put her through “bootcamp”, but still, not cool! There is also episode 266 when he tries to kiss Keroro without his consent despite Keroro very obviously begging him not to, luckily Tamama realizes that the mature thing to do is to cut it out (plus he looked ridiculous in that pink lipstick) but again, still not cool! Actually, if I remember it right, he goes back at it by the end of the episode. What gives!

⭐Let’s be real here, there are times where Keroro is the one who first antagonizes Natsumi. She is already not very popular with fans because of her role, like how Dib is in Invader Zim though I am 95% sure that folks are less sympathetic to how many of Keroro’s schemes seem to focus more on just plain humiliating Natsumi than invading Pekopon because she is a girl. It is a shame because there is more to their relationship than being constantly at each other’s throats. In the beta, Keroro was supposed to be Natsumi’s Keronian partner and they still share enough similarities reminiscent of that. But anyway, sometimes it seems like Keroro targets Natsumi rather than her being the main obstacle blocking his invasion plans, since she is just a thirteen/fourteen year old kid it feels kind of weird to me. Prime example of this being episode 99.

Favorite Line: I still do not keep track of favorite lines, but here a paraphase from the dub that really made me laugh;

Tamama: “Well, he’s smarter than a jellybean, or most of ‘em.”

Angol Mois: “He tries his best when he’s not busy not trying.“

Tamama: “A jellybean can try but I’m still gonna eat it.”

brOTP:

🔰 Taruru for Tamama! Though I do ship them romantically together, it is an underrated and uncommon pairing but it actually has some traction on with JPN/Korean fans and for good reason! Taruru may not hero worship Tamama as much as he did, and they may have clashed during the Garuru Platoon arc, but there are still no hard feelings between the two!

Taruru still throws a shoutout to Tamama in the manga chapters afterwards, and in the anime, lying to Taruru about the Keroro Platoon and the Pekopon invasion was Tamama’s biggest regret until he comes to peace with it and that only happens seasons after the Garuru Arc, Tamama still remembered and felt bad about it for all that time, and resolved it peacefully, and felt much better after it! That is probably the closest thing Tamama will get to positive character development so savor it. Like the Chibi-Keroro segments, sometimes I wish that the audience could be shown snippets of Taruru and Tamama’s time training in the Keron Army together, it could be a great way to world build since the Keron Army is still shrouded with ~mystery~.

⭐Keroro and Kululu is like a match made in heaven! Okay, maybe I am exaggerating that but those two are yet another underrated pairing even though they work so well together in all the wrong ways; they both like to scheme and can be self-centered jerks but with a heart of gold… which is located deep, deep down in Kululu’s case. I wish there was more focus on these two in canon, Kululu is one of the very few characters who seems to catch on that there is more to Keroro than Gundam, Gundam, blah, blah. After all, Kululu is the whole reason why Keroro has the Keron ☆ (Star) in the first place; but why would Kululu pull the strings to bring who is probably the least qualified to one of the top positions in the Keron Army? Did he do it for kicks or does he actually think Keroro can somehow pull it off? …It is most likely the former, but at least Keroro can make the job *~interesting~*, Kululu likes chaos and things that go against the status quo to keep himself from getting too bored, Keroro practically makes it his job description. Kululu probably has all the opportunity and resources to move to a higher elite platoon if he wanted, Sergeant Major remember, so to me it sometimes almost seems like he sticks around just to see what Keroro does next…and how badly he can screw it up this time.

OTP:

🔰 KeroTama, baby’s first gays! Though honestly, I am not sure who was the first to bring it up but I second the idea that Keroro is sort of like, Tamama’s awakening. Sure he loves him, but Tamama is still young and as far as we know, nobody else has made him feel quite the same way as Keroro does and he copes with this badly. What I do like most about this pairing is that Tamama truly idolizes Keroro but he is just as ready to call him out and keep him in check too; like checks and balances, I think Keroro/any works best when he is with someone who is willing to go along with him but can also tell it to him straight. This is most apparent in the later (subbed) seasons and manga, Tamama becomes less of a yes-tadpole and more aware that Keroro is not the all mighty-hero he used to think back on Keron.

⭐On the other hand, for Keroro…he is my shipping bicycle, I dunno know exactly why but he seems to work out so well with so many characters though it varies a lot. Like, compare KeroDoro with KeroTama and the dynamics become very different; though for the record I am not a huge fan of KeroDoro due to how anime!Keroro lacks the most tact when it comes to Dororo, and how manga!Dororo basically treats Keroro like an annoying ex. Not exactly healthy but I do feel like there is potential if the two found some common ground and reconciliation, but that defeats the fun of shipping, canon is supposed to do the heavy lifting. So anyhoo, there is no OTP for Keroro; which may contradict what I had already said about Tamama, but in Keroro’s case it opens a whole different perspective.

nOTP:

🔰 Oh geeze, I think I have only seen this once and thank goodness but Tamama/Momoka. They are an underrated pair, Momoka herself is a very underrated character but together they are just plain underrated. Hm. I feel like the anime is somewhat at fault since Brutal Momoka is often seen snapping at Tamama, but to be fair, Brutal Momoka will snap at Paul, her guards, her maids, and just about anybody besides Fuyuki.

There are certainly moments cute moments between the two where you know they care for each beyond Momoka putting up with him so she can get closer to Fuyuki, and Tamama only sticking around to freeload, but I still think this comes across to an audience that Momoka does not care much for Tamama at all. I personally see their relationship more like an older brother and younger sister, which is kind of funny given Tamama’s more childish tendencies. I do feel like that he sees her as the little sister who can 100% beat him up while Momoka sees him as an older brother who can still annoy her sometimes at best…or a beloved pet at worst, which is not so bad since Tamama tried to do the same thing. They are two birds of a feather who flock together, but it is far, far, far away from a romantic context.

⭐A nOTP for Keroro would be Fuyuki, which for the life of me I have no idea why it has traction with JPN fans but it is…there, I guess. I think I see it popping up more often than GiroNatsu, to put it in perspective. Keroro is very obviously an adult, alien or not, and there is enough emphasis on the power of friendship to show that Fuyuki is doing what Mois should probably be taking notes on. Keroro is the fun and goofy adopted uncle who takes Fuyuki out for adventures, and they have been through like, six near-life or death experiences together and pulled through so if that is not a sign of a beautiful friendship then I dunno what is.

Random Headcanon:

🔰 Tamama likes eating fruits and vegetables, on an occasion! The food has to practically jump through hoops for him to accept it though. Fruit has to be candied or covered in chocolate, and the vegetables have to be very tender and thoroughly glazed with honey. It kind of defeats the purpose of healthy eating, but hey, Tamama may love sweets but even he has limits such as in episode 310.

⭐Keroro has ADHD and dyscalcuia, though the ADHD bit in particular might as well be canon. He is a very relatable character and call it self-projecting but I am preeetty sure that he has like, learning/neurodivergent disorders up the wazoo much like how Tamama acts like he has an almost textbook case of Borderline Personality Disorder. I doubt that Yoshizaki actually researches mental illnesses/disorders though, special mention going to his portrayal of Momoka and her mother’s disassociative disorders which are far from accurate.

Unpopular Opinion:

🔰 Tamama’s jealous behavior is not a good thing, it is not cute. I almost never find it funny, it is more…sad. Seeing him antagonize, hit, and verbally abuse Angol Mois is close to painful to watch because you know Tamama is only doing it to make himself feel better and Mois, who genuinely sees him as a close friend, just takes it and no one intervenes. In the end, Tamama still feels like crap and one way or another, gets what’s coming to him. There is no actual conflict resolution so the joke becomes old hat.

It may be played off for laughs, but Tamama’s infamous jealousy is self-destructive and while this may be ~relatable~ to other fans, it is obvious to see how unhappy Tamama is when it comes to dealing with his negative emotions or even maintaining a sense of self, like, his greatest fear is a glamorized version of himself as seen in episode 123. That was…interesting. When Tamama acts out on negative impluses, which is always, he never comes on top so why anybody would say “that’s so me!” especially when considering Tamama rarely makes the effort to hold his own actions accountable is beyond me.

I would probably be more receptive towards it if Tamama’s jealousy tick was not so selective. Like, you would think he would be more jealous and resentful of Giroro or even Dororo’s relationship with Keroro since those three have known each other since childhood and still keep it pretty tight; or even Pururu since she can be just as tooth-achingly sweet as Angol Mois and shares close moments with Keroro yet Tamama has never felt threatened by any of them.

Jealousy may be a natural emotion but Tamama’s attitude is unhealthy and it is flanderized to the extreme in the anime. He almost got himself killed for bottling up his negative feelings but lashing out at others (*cough*Angol Mois*cough*) is not the way to go either. The manga version of himself seems to be more adjusted, or at the least by comparison though the regrets and self-loathing is kept consistent. Tamama in the manga may not even be as infatuated with Keroro anymore, in the later volumes it so rarely gets brought up again and in particular, his reaction to being asked if he “still respected Keroro ” was such as strange response that I am just like 🤔. Of course, infatuation is different from love and “respect” could be just how Tamama no longer trusts in Keroro’s leadership at all, but still, the idea of Tamama not being obsessed with gaining Keroro’s affection anymore is almost like imagining an entirely different character after watching 300+ episodes. But, the way I see it…in the manga, the fixation is just not there anymore.

⭐For Keroro’s case, hmmmm…well, not much to say about Keroro since the anime and manga does a bang up job at calling out his flaws and holding him responsible when things mess up, he gets away with nothing. There is no widely accepted headcanon or canon interpretation of him that I feel like counteracting either; in my bloomin’ onion Keroro is well rounded enough for being the resident loser/villain protagonist.

Song I associate with them:

Party Up (Up In Here) by DMX 🔰

Crayola Sunrise by RunFoxRun! ⭐

Favorite picture of them:

This is so sweet, so pure, so perfect!

#anonymous #keroro #tamama #keroro gunso #gif #long post

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hamelott · 7 years

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Title: “Bad Coffee, Better Company”

Fandom: The Librarians (TNT series)

Notes: Okay, I know what you’re thinking, “Really Hannah, you’re stooping so low as a coffee shop au.” Now, just hear me out. These two were made for cute, stupid coffee shop au’s, and I will forever stand by this decision.

Ezekiel Jones hated his job. It was dull and boring and hardly anything ever happened. Of course, as a poor, college dropout that was just trying to make life work, quitting wasn’t an option. Quitting wasn’t even something he could consider in a dreamland.

And it wasn’t that working at the Annex was miserable. He was just miserable. Plus, he hadn’t even wanted to apply for the job nonetheless get it. No, that had been the direct result of Jacob Stone (roommate and reluctant childhood friend who had a list of issues almost as long as Ezekiel’s) who had been unwilling to go to his interview alone. Ezekiel had been roped into it as well and, consequently, received a job he hadn’t even been looking for.

But the pay was pretty decent. And at least he didn’t work at Starbucks with their bullshit ‘secret menus’ and Unicorn Vomit drinks. That was always Jake’s argument anyways.

The worst part about it though was that the only people who came were the same damn people every single day. They were nice and all, but Ezekiel had been hoping to branch out, maybe make some connections in New York; currently, it wasn’t working. The only people he’d made ‘connections’ with were Mr. Carsen, a professor at the nearby college and probably smarter than was really necessary to teach a bunch of bored twenty-year-olds; Ms. Cillian, a doctor that worked at a nearby hospital and relied on the coffee as a lifeline; and Eve Baird, who Ezekiel was pretty sure was a navy seal or something but had yet to convince her to reveal all her secrets.

Which, of course, was why Ezekiel was slumped against the counter now, building a stick figure out of stirring straws and tape. Jake, leant against the wall next to the coffee machines, was eyeing him disdainfully, a reprimand probably on the tip of his tongue. Ezekiel really didn’t care though; again, it wasn’t like anybody special was about to walk through the door anyway.

Which, of course, was when the gods decided to play mind games with him and sent a girl stumbling through the door. She was slightly shivering with raindrops smudging her wide-framed glasses and dripping from her hair. She had a small smile on her face that only grew when she noticed the two standing at the counter.

“Hi, hello,” she said, walking up to where Ezekiel had positioned himself next to the register. Her eyes flicked up and then traveled side-to-side quickly, reading the expansive menu that was written in colorful chalk above them.

“Uh, morning,” Ezekiel said, trying to sound smooth. Instead he was pretty sure he sounded like an idiot. Who was this girl and why was she making him so flustered so quick? He tried to smother it down because if he didn’t, Jake would have a field day teasing the crap out of him.

The girl glanced at him and grinned again before looking back up at the menu. She was chewing at her bottom lip in contemplation and only let it go to say, “Can I have a tall vanilla latte, please?”

Ezekiel glanced over his shoulder to Jake and gave him a curt nod. Jake rolled his eyes but sat up to start making the drink anyway. Ezekiel, with a winning smile, turned back to the girl and said, “That’ll be $3.25. And can I get a name for that?”

She glanced around at the empty coffee shop and frowned at him, an eyebrow raising just a little bit. “Seriously?”

Ezekiel shrugged. “It’s protocol.”

“Uh, right,” the girl said, smile quickly returning. As she fished in her little, sunflower-yellow handbag, she told him, “Cindy.”

Ezekiel nodded and grabbed a nearby sharpie marker, waiting for Jake to finish the drink. When he was done, he passed it to Ezekiel with a huff of annoyance before walking back to his spot on the wall to lean back against it again. Ezekiel quickly scribbled out Cindy’s name on the cup and handed it to her as she handed him a five-dollar bill.

“Please, keep the change,” Cindy said quickly as she grabbed the drink. She glanced down, glanced up, frowned, and glanced down again. She quickly stifled a little laugh as she stared at the cup.

“Oh no,” Ezekiel grumbled. “Did I spell your name wrong?”

“Oh, no, I mean, it’s no big deal!” Cindy said quickly. She was still grinning though and staring at the cup in wonderment. “It’s just…I’ve never seen my name spelled like that.”

Ezekiel leant over the counter to inspect just how he had spelled her name. ‘Cyndi.’ That wasn’t that weird…was it?

“Really?” Ezekiel asked, falling back on his heels. “Never?”

Cindy was laughing quietly now, shaking her head. “Nope, never.”

Ezekiel raked his hand through his hair. “Oh, uh, well…sorry?”

Cindy quickly shook her head. “Oh, it’s no problem. It’s cute.” She suddenly flushed, obviously realizing what she’d just said, and ducked her head. “Um, thank you. For the coffee! Have a nice day.”

Ezekiel watched as she quickly turned on her heel and all but fled from the coffee shop. He had a small, crooked smirk on his face and a bemused look in his eyes.

Jake snorted. “Oh, you’re gonna have it so bad, buddy.”

Ezekiel scowled and glanced over his shoulder. “Shut up, Stone. There’s no guarantee I’ll ever see her again anyways.”

~~~

Except, Ezekiel did see her again. Cindy came back the next day and the next and even the one after that. She kept coming so often that soon enough she was just as constant of a presence as Flynn the eccentric professor, Cassandra the doctor who couldn’t handle caffeine, and Eve the super-secret super-spy.

Ezekiel found himself enjoying her presence if not for the fact that she now spelled her name out loud each time she ordered her coffee, a little teasing grin always on her lips. She was cool and outgoing if a little bit awkward and weird. She snorted if you got her laughing too hard, and she’d blush at anything that sounded like an innuendo. She was a struggling botanist student, and, honestly, loved flowers more than anybody Ezekiel had ever met.

After about three weeks straight of Cindy walking into the coffee shop at precisely eight am, she was late. It was eight-thirty now, and, really, Ezekiel shouldn’t be as worried as he was. Cindy was a grown person; she could take care of herself. He was worrying for nothing; he barely knew her anyways. Maybe she’d finally found a better coffee shop than this dump; good for her!

“She’ll be here,” Jake said knowingly behind him. Ezekiel glanced at him, but it was like Jake hadn’t even spoken. He had his nose in a book that Flynn had given him on ancient Greek art; Ezekiel was pretty sure Jake had a nauseating boy-crush on Flynn and the gifts only made it ten times worse. He resolutely ignored Ezekiel, refusing to acknowledge that he’d spoken at all.

Ezekiel rolled his eyes. “I’m not worried.”

Jake snorted but was kind enough (or uninterested enough) not to say anything else.

And Ezekiel wasn’t worried. Cindy was fine. He’d barely known her. It wasn’t a big deal.

All of this was, of course, forgotten when Cindy practically raced into the coffee shop. She was panting heavily and cried, “I’m sorry! I was late! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Jake, nonplussed, began making the only drink she’d ever actually ordered as Cindy walked up to the counter, still exclaiming, “Sorry, sorry, sorry. I slept in and then I nearly broke my ankle in the shower, but I’m here!”

Ezekiel couldn’t help the wide grin on his face. “No worries. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Yeah,” Cindy said, nodding and grinning too. “Me too.”

They waited patiently as Jake made the drink. When he was done, he passed to drink directly to Cindy, gruffly stated “Glad you’re not dead” and went back to his book.

When Cindy went to rummage through her handbag for the money, Ezekiel quickly said, “Hey, it’s on the house.”

She glanced up at him, confused frown on her face, and asked, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s free,” Ezekiel said, shrugging. “Take it as a gift for not breaking your ankle, yeah?”

Cindy grinned. “Yeah, oaky…okay, cool. Thanks, Ezekiel.”

She was about to turn away, and Ezekiel quickly blurted, “And maybe as, like, a gift for making it here before you have to go to class, I can…take you on a date? After my shift and after your class, of course. We could go see a movie?”

Cindy glanced back at him, and her smile was so bright that Ezekiel could’ve sworn he was staring directly into the sun. “I would love to!” Her smile suddenly dimmed, and she quickly whispered, “I have a secret to confess though…”

Ezekiel raised an eyebrow. “Uh, yeah?”

She bit her lip worriedly and murmured, “Your guys’ coffee is really, really bad.”

Ezekiel barked out a laugh. “Uh, Cindy, that’s not a secret.”

She flushed and nodded. “Okay, great. Well, I’ll swing by here after class?”

Ezekiel nodded jerkily. “Yeah, yeah, great.”

And, suddenly, she leant across the counter and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. She pulled away, face red, and stammered a quick goodbye before fleeing from the coffee shop at a fast pace. Ezekiel ignored the way his own face felt like it was on fire.

“You realize that means the only reason she kept coming back here was to see you, right?” Jake said from behind him; his tone was smug.

Ezekiel ignored him, but he couldn’t help flushing deeper and the pleased little smile that wormed its way onto his face.

#librariansshipathon #shipathon17 #cizekiel week #cizekiel #the librarians #the librarians fanfiction #ezekiel jones #cindy kroger #coffee shop au #bc i'm trash #also featuring #jake stone #bc i have a problem and can never not use him in a story #and the others are there too lmao #hannah writes

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redorblue · 7 years

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Books 27-29/2017 - The Black Magician Trilogy by Trudi Canavan

If you have any kind of positive feelings for this book - stay away. I mean it. This was possibly - probably - the worst read of my life. The only reason I made it through all three of them was that I wanted to make an educated complaint and pick up everything I could of what is wrong with these books. And believe me, it’s a lot: not just quality-wise, it has a whole lot of other issues like misogyny, racism and internalized homophobia. I just finished the last part, and normally I let a book settle for a few days before I write about it, but I’m so mad about this, and I have been since I was a few chapters into the first part, that I can’t put this off.

I’m gonna put this under a cut because I don’t wanna spread my hate for this book farther than necessary where possibly underaged fans could see it, and because it’s gonna be looong. I have a lot to say.

First, let’s start with why it is simply not a good book. I have to add, I read a German translation that I picked up from the flea market (thank God I didn’t spend more money on this. I get why someone wanted to get rid of them now). I’m not used to reading in German, and there are bad translations, but there are also very good translations, and normally I get used to German a few chapters in. I guess in the end it happened here, too, so although the translator may be to blame, I really don’t believe so, because even if she screwed it up, there’s so many other things screaming that Trudi Canavan is a bad writer that I strongly tend to blame the author. Again, I may be wrong, and she may have improved, considering that this is her first published work - however that happened - and after all style is subjective and all that, but I really didn’t like the way this book was written. I don’t mean to be arrogant and play the high-and-mighty literary critic here, there’s lots of books that aren’t considered literature which I love, and many of those are YA books with some fantasy elements. So these books could have appealed to me. But apart from all the things that alternately made me mad, annoyed, and second-hand embarassed, the way this series is written just didn’t do anything for me. Not even the gay romance, which is normally a pretty sure-fire way to get me interested. Everything about these characters, their interactions and the story in general just felt so way beyond belief, so implausible, that it didn’t make me feel anything at all at best, and cringing away at worst. And to me, that’s just bad writing.

Let me elaborate on why I found so many things so implausible. First, the romances. The books cover around 2,5 years I think, which means that there would have been time to develop them properly, but most of them just went from either hating the other person or not knowing them at all, to all-out love in two or three weeks. And while that may happen in real life, you have to lay the groundwork for that in a book, drop some hints, have some reflections, show the audience where this is going, instead of just dropping it into their laps. It wasn’t a surprise who fell for whom because it’s all very predictable and cliché, but still, you can’t just do that and expect your readers to accept it and get emotionally invested (only it seems like you can?? Because there’s people who like this book and give it good reviews?? Dear God how...). Like, it was soo obvious that the main protagonist (Sonea) was going to pick the tall-dark-handsome mystery guy in the end, and that at first she was going to have a thing for this shiny Nice Guy^TM who was the first to ever pay her any attention, all while her childhood friend was pining away for her which of course she never noticed evva. This childhood friend thing I was still ready to overlook because it happened early when I was still optimistic that these books would get better, and because they at least had a relationship at some point - even though they hadn’t seen each other for years and he fell for her in about an hour. Sorry, but love on first sight is really not a thing for me. But yeah, okay. With the second guy, the Nice one, I was starting to get really impatient, because they had two short scenes together in which they barely talked, and all of a sudden they were kissing and talking about the future and she was thinking about waiting for him for four more years while he disappeared into his backwater village... I’m sorry girl, but didn’t you have a life, and dreams, and plans for the future?? Like those you talked about for the last book and a half so that even the dumbest reader would get sick of it? But hey, who needs a personality, or (female) agency, especially in your protagonist, when you can have so much love with this really dreamy guy? Not the author, I guess.

And then, there’s boyfriend No. 3, the one who makes it all the way into her heart in the end, but then he dies and she loses all her will to live. After hating him for two years, falling for him for three days and being with him for two weeks. Yeah, sounds romantic, and it gets even better when you consider the fact that she’s half is age. If you thought the first two guys were stereotypes, this is the one to rule them all. He has it all - tall, dark, mysterious, handsome, powerful, and I guess the author wanted him to have a soft and loving heart under his unapproachable shell, but she waaayyy overdid it. He’s not just gruff, he’s downright cruel, he’s a narcissist who believes he’s the only one who can be trusted with anything, he’s dismissive and arrogant and indifferent even toward those he calls his friends (until they die, but then it’s a bit late for that buddy) and just overall an awful person. Which really doesn’t make me inclined to care for his oh so terrible backstory. Yes it’s sad that you were a slave for a few years, kept for the magical energy your master could harvest from you, I get that, but it doesn’t give you the right to behave like an asshole and manipulate and emotionally abuse everyone around you. The author has him sacrifice himself in the end, which comes straight outta nowhere character-wise, so he ends up a glorified martyr and war hero with no one ever challenging him in any way, making him face up to his mistakes and the consequences they had for everyone’s lives. I’m sorry, but this is bad writing, this makes it look like he was right to treat everyone like shit. And, even worse, this is the guy who gets the girl and is presented like this oh so desirable man that he really is not. This isn’t supposed to sound sexist from my side, it’s just the way this relationship is presented. At some point the protagonist even says it exactly that way, when Nice Guy and Asshole have a fit of jealousy because of course she’s something to possess and have a pissing contest over. God I hate him, this whole relationship is so cringy, and I don’t even wanna get into the misogyny yet because it is not an isolated incident and I’m not done with him yet.

So he fails as a person, and also as a boyfriend, but even the one thing that he could do well because of all his power and forbidden knowledge - he fucks it up. The third book ends with an invasion of the magician guild’s city by some Bad Guys, and yes, he fights them then, but he knew that they were a danger for the last ten years or so, and he never told anybody although people were dying because of it, because of course he knows best and doesn’t need anybody to help him. So when the bad guys finally arrive the city is woefully unprepared because he told them all of two weeks ago, as part of his defense while he is being accused of practising black magic and having killed people - so the whole thing doesn’t look at all like an excuse, oh no, not coming from him who lied to them for like ten years. Don’t get me wrong, this guild is terrible and annoyingly obstinate in its own way, but I don’t blame them for not entirely believing him when he tells them after such a long time, as part of an excuse for committing pretty much the worst crime they can think of, and without offering any easily verifiable evidence. Good plan, yeah. You just managed to severely weaken the one force that has at least a tiny chance of fighting off the bad guys by dividing them and being too secretive to give them any proof, instead of having spent the last years preparing them for a war that you knew very well was at least a possibility. Amazing job.

So yeah, that’s the guy young girls reading these books are supposed to pine for. Great message. By comparison the two other romances in the books are better than this, but it hurts my fingers to write that because one is laden with orientalism and fetishization, and the other, while trying really hard to be progressive, falls into so many silently homophobic pitfalls, it’s pathetic. In both cases I’m pretty sure it’s not intentional, but when you’re a writer creating a whole new world and you want to include diverse ethnicities and sexual orientations - which in and of itself is laudable - you have to be careful how you write your LGBT+ and your characters of colour. There’s many harmful tropes out there, and I certainly don’t expect a book to avoid every single one out there, or claim to notice every problematic thing, but in this book it’s not an isolated incident, it’s simple ignorance and lazyness to do a bit of research about the harmful stereotypes you have inadvertently absorbed your whole life so as not to repeat them.

This kind of reflection clearly didn’t happen neither during the writing process nor during editing, so what we get is a mess. What we get is one relationship where the woman is described as looking like someone of Central Asian descent, with all the stereotypes commonly to be found in an Oriental tale written by a Western person. This woman never gets a backstory, she just kinda appears on the scene and the reader never really knows what she wants, only that she’s there to help out her white, male love interest in his time of need, before maliciously abusing his trust and disappearing into the woods again. We’re told that she’s good at fighting, but we never see her really doing it - the only one she ever really shares screentime with is her love interest with whom she has a whole lot of sex. Really, every scene either ends with them having sex, or her talking dirty to him, which makes it appear as if all that’s on her mind is sex! And ain’t that stereotypical of the mysterious, Oriental seductress who spends all of her time either spinning intrigues or plotting how to get the next innocent white boy into her clutches. So, overall, absolutely terrible romance, and I’m gonna come back to this because like sexism, this orientalism/racism is not an isolated incident either.

The other relationship lacking reflection that we get is the one between this gay magician from the very conservative country where the main story is set, and this also gay scholar from a slightly less conservative, but all the more patronizing culture. The book at least questions the first country’s stance on the issue, although it only does so through its gay characters, which severely restricts the validity of the point considering that none of the straight characters ever even thinks to reflect if this stance on homosexuality might be wrong. What I can’t forgive is that the narrative never once questions the stance of the slightly less conservative country, which treats its gays (only men, mind you, there’s never once mention of a gay woman) as lewd weirdos and outcasts and calls them “boys”. This is so bad. It’s one thing to present a culture that views gay men as not-quite-men - we all know it happens often enough - but if you write such a culture and you don’t want this to be the point you’re making, you have to criticize and contradict such a view through your narrative. Have them talk about it, have them think about it, I don’t care, just make it explicit that it’s wrong. And don’t be lazy and hide behind this excuse that the readers will get it through plot alone - you have to write it down somewhere so that casual readers won’t miss it. Otherwise you end up with something like this where this culture you wanted to present as so progressive and kind of a save haven ends up patronizing and emasculating your gay male characters, and this doesn’t subvert neither harmful tropes nor real-life views. Just like the fact that your gay characters hide their relationship until after the end of the books, and find nothing wrong with it because it’s just the culture they’re living in. This is a latent confirmation that it’s right that gay couples have to hide their relationship and don’t confront others with their being different, and again, if this is not what you wanted as a writer, make it explicit. And for God’s sake, include more than one kiss in three whole books between your gay couple, when the straight ones kiss all the time and even get explicit scenes. Because otherwise your oh-so-progressive gay couple is just two really close male friends who happened to kiss once. Better write a great platonic relationship then and leave the gay stuff to the people who actually know how to handle it and won’t turn it around on itself.

So, I think I’ve established that in my opinion, the romantic relationships are absolute rubbish. I would like to say that the platonic ones fare better, but honestly, they just don’t get enough screentime for me to say. It’s quite astonishing - in a book series with 1840 pages (in my paperback edition) there doesn’t seem to be any space for friendships or family bonds. We’re told that they exist, mind you, but I personally didn’t really understand why those two people are friends, what makes their friendship special, what characterizes it. Not even what characterizes the characters, for that matter, because even the way the main characters are fleshed out feels a bit half-assed, and don’t even get me started on the secondary characters. And with a bit of good will, I could ignore that fact if the plot was really great, but it’s not either, so I honestly don’t get what the author did with all that space. I can summarize what happens in each book with one sentence: The first is about Sonea hiding from the mages because they’re bad, then being scared of them because they’re bad, and then suddenly joining them because plot. In the second book, she’s bullied by her classmates, but doesn’t do anything about it on her own because oh no, she could hurt them, and doesn’t tell anyone who could do something about it either because plot. The third is about the great conspiracy with the war and all that and fares a bit better action-wise, but it’s still mainly Sonea following this guy of hers along because apparently he needs her, and I guess he does, but he still treats her like shit right until they have sex. So yeah, plenty of space for character development, but for some reason it just doesn’t happen.

To be fair, I guess Sonea developed a bit, considering that she’s not as scared of pretty much everything as she was in the beginning - although the number of times that “her blood froze in her veins” really made me dislike that phrase. Her childhood friend developed a bit in that he gained a higher position in the city’s underworld. And Mr. Tall-Dark-Mysterious (TDM, for future reference) opened up a bit about his oh-so-tragic past. But is that really character development? I guess if you squinted you could count it as that if these were some unimportant secondary characters, but these are the main protagonists and POVs! In almost 2000 pages there should be a bit more than that! And if that’s what the main characters get... There was this one character that I kinda liked, another POV but a secondary one, who was Sonea’s first mentor in the guild and some kind of father figure for her. That was the one relationship where I saw a bit of potential - until the second half of the second book, when TDM takes Sonea hostage (romantic, I know) and forbids her to ever speak to her former mentor again, which effectively ends their relationship for good. So no development there, either.

But for a character to develop, and especially for a relationship between two characters two develop, you first need exactly that: characters. And this book doesn’t have any. There’s very few things I could tell you about the POVs’ personality traits, and it’s mostly just stereotypes - Sonea’s a classic Mary Sue, TDM is... well, TDM, the mentor is fatherly and benevolent, the childhood friend is adventurous, and the gay magician represses his feelings for his friends. I’m not kidding, that’s basically it. The same goes for backstory - none of them seems to have parents, siblings or other relatives, except for Sonea who has an aunt and an uncle that she’s apparently close to, but who briefly show up on screen around three times and get mentioned three more. Everyone’s fathers just kinda disappeared into the void, and the mothers are all dead to make it a bit more tragic - another tired trope that is a bit beyond belief because how on earth did all those mothers get dead, and why doesn’t even one father seem to care for his offspring? There’s one exception, the mentor guy about whom we’re told that he cares for his son, but again, it’s just that - we’re told he does, because otherwise, from their interactions, we wouldn’t get it. And that doesn’t count. The same goes for all other aspects of backstory, which is typically limited to a handful of sentences except for when we’re supposed to care for TDM - he actually gets a handful of paragraphs. So generous. I normally prefer character-driven stories over plot-driven stories, so I don’t mind that much when there’s not an awful lot of plot if (!!!) the characters are well done and engaging. But they’re not, they’re basically walking paper stands, and that I can’t forgive.

So far I mainly talked about what makes this trilogy lazy writing. Now I’m gonna talk about what makes it not only bad, but really problematic. I already touched on homophobia, but due to the lack of real gay representation there’s not much more I can add to that, so I’ll focus on misogyny/sexism and on racism/orientalism. I’m not sure how established the latter concept is outside my academic circle, so here’s a good summary of what it means. Basically, orientalism refers to a binary worldview that presents the West as progressive, dynamic, and inherently superior to a backward, barbaric and static East that therefore has to be rescued and remodeled by the West. Of course there are other issues like racism and imperialism tied into it that also refer to other non-Western cultures and ethnicities, but orientalism transports a specific set of stereotypes about people and cultures from the Middle East and North Africa, typically Muslims. It’s hateful, it’s patronizing, it harms people, and it’s all to be found in these books.

There’s two main examples of this. This fantasy world that the author describes includes two countries inhabited by people of colour: Lonmar, where the people are described as dark-skinned, and Sachaka, where they look like someone of Central Asian descent. First of all, there aren’t many characters from these countries that even get a bit of individuality - they’re mainly just there for background noise and never step outside the crowd (a stereotype that is also to be found in orientalism, specifically in the “Arab Street”). For Lonmar, there’s one named, recurring character who isn’t entirely to be trusted, but overall a decent guy - because, and here’s the problem, he has been socialized in white Kyralia (another thing typical of orientalism - the distinction between the “good”, Westernized muslims, and the “bad” oriental ones, easily distinguishable by dress and socialization). All the other (few) characters from Lonmar are not characters but crowds with not a single speck of individuality and one feature that unites them all: they’re all members of this really strict, intolerant religion specific to Lonmar that is so obviously modeled after - you guessed it - Islam. Or rather the monolithic, prejudiced version of Islam an uninformed Westerner might think of if they only consumed what was given to them by mainstream media and never talked to a Muslim person in their entire life. This religion locks up its female adherents, it punishes homosexuality with public execution, it talks a lot about the unbelievers and is generally intolerant, it doesn’t give a f* about individual wishes and desires, and - maybe worst of all - it’s canonically all based on a lie. On the imaginary ramblings of a madman who for some reason was able to trick people into believing in him and making him a prophet. I can’t begin to express how awful this is. With the homophobia I don’t believe it was intentional - but this is. This has to be. And I’m so, so mad at this woman for mocking the beliefs, the worldview and the very lives of 1,6 billion people on earth in such a an offhanded, cruel way.

And that’s not even the only example, oh no. There’s also Sachaka. Sachaka, happens to be the homecountry of the murderous lunatics who terrorize the city in the first two books and assault it in the third, and who all happen to be brown-skinned. There are a few more characters from this country who had the honour to receive a name, but the way they’re described is in no way less problematic than the Lonmars. The only character who’s not openly evil, is the deceitful nymphomaniac who serves as a love interest to the white childhood friend. I already mentioned how unbearably sexualized she is, which is terrible in and of its own, but takes on a whole other dimension in combination with her race. It’s another feature of orientalism to either present oriental women as sheepish victims of oppression waiting to be rescued, or as eroticized/fetishized succubus-like beings, beautiful and alluring and generally a (white) man’s slavering fantasy. And not only is the only woman and morally okay character from Sachaka presented in such a way, she also - surprisingly- doesn’t get not a single line of backstory. We don’t know what she does back home, who she is, why the hell she ended up in this white-hot mess of a story, what she wants... Nothing. She’s literally just there to seduce the white guy, help him get over the protagonist, and save his ass once before she betrays him and disappears again. A ripped-out page out of a playboy edition could fulfil every single purpose she has in the story, even the saving part. There, white guy gets attacked by one of the evil magicians, and she mainly buys him time to get away, although we’re told (ha!) that she’s a good fighter. Put the playboy page in evil guy’s face, wait until his sex-crazed oriental mind gets distracted, run away, problem solved.

Because of course he’s sex-crazed, he’s oriental, what did you expect? They’re all that way, men and women, sexual predators all over the board. In addition to being cruel, sadistic, conniving, good at killing but bad at healing and collaborating, power-hungry, scheming... And did I mention that they keep their slaves like cattle? Yeah, no idea what that reminds me of. Plus, as cunning as they are presented, they’re also really stupid. Before the invasion, the bad guys have been sending slaves to the magicians’ city for years to spy on them and find out whether they know how to use black magic or not (they don’t, except for TDM which is why he’s the only one who can kill them and has to go on this lonesome quest alone, isolated from everyone he ever cared about... You get the idea). This is so stupid. They do it for years, they send slave after slave with no result at all, when at the same time it’s a well-established fact that when magicians communicate with each other mentally, anyone can listen in! You can’t tell me that in all this time, no one ever mentioned black magic being forbidden! Because it’s not a secret anyone except for TDM even knows is necessary to keep, so no one knows that they can’t talk about it. This is another instance of the plot being unnecessary complicated and like a desperate attempt to create some artificial conflict that could have been solved within five minutes... But I’m digressing.

And it’s not only the evil mages who are presented in such a bad light; the few lines we get about the country (it’s a desert, by the way, just like Lonmar. Surprise) suggest that the rest is pretty much the same. Not as mad maybe, but just as power-hungry and conniving as the bad guys, and certainly not as civilized as the white countries around it. So it’s no surprise when the protagonist, no less, starts thinking about some White Man’s Burden kind of shit. The backstory is this: Some 500 years ago there was a war between Sachaka (bad) and Kyralia (good). Kyralia won and, when drawing back, operated on a scorched earth-policy, leaving behind a wasteland and turning their backs, for which the people from Sachaka still want revenge (500! years! later!) because that’s what orientals do when their honour is scratched. The protagonist reflects on that story and then honestly starts thinking about how Kyralia should have stayed in Sachaka, basically occupying it, in order to try and teach the backward Sachakans how to be civilized. This... is some seriously fucked-up shit. My dear author, not only is every single one of your big bad guys a person of colour, and not only is the description of their cultures and their characterization creaking under the weight of all your prejudice, but now you have your protagonist want to civilize them? Who are you, George Bush? Or some 19th-century missionary despairing under the terrible weight of his burden to make the barbaric indigenous half-apes wear silk hats? Whoever your soul was in the last go-round, let me tell you, you’re not making a point for the almighty Western civilization if you write crap like this.

Okay deep breaths. Last issue, sexism and misogyny. I feel like the author wanted these books to make a point about female agency and Strong Female Characters^TM, but as with gay representation she entirely missed the mark and instead wrote something that’s more detrimental to positive female representation than anything. I already mentioned in the relationship part how her boyfriend treat the protagonist as a possession to fight over and how she has apparently internalized and endorsed that view, and in the character part how the mothers were all killed off before the story even started in order to add some trauma to the characters’ backstories. This is lazy, it’s misogynistic in that it robs these women of everything that makes them human (mostly they’re not even named) for the sake of shock value, and then the narrative doesn’t even use what it bought so dearly and minimizes the effect the deaths of the mothers have on the characters, and thereby a mother’s contribution to her child’s development. It makes the mothers mere means to an end, and it doesn’t do the same to the fathers, which makes it deeply misogynist.

This misogyny is glaringly obvious in the off-stage deaths of two women: the mentor guy’s wife, and TDM’s first love. About the mentor guy’s wife, we know barely more than that she was the mentor guy’s wife, and that her name was Yilara. Mentor guy loved her, and had a son with her, and then she died of... something. Doesn’t matter what it was, really, because her only purpose in the story was to give mentor guy a sad past. And it can’t have been that sad, because he mentions her like twice, and their son doesn’t mention her at all. I don’t know how old he was when she died (see what I mean), so he might not remember, but considering that mentor guy claims he still loves her, he could think about her a bit more often and remember a bit more about her than her lying in her bed, softly smiling, like a saintly martyr. This is already bad, but the other case is infinitely worse. Naturally, it involves TDM. He got to know his first love while he was a slave in Sachaka as she belonged to the same evil guy he did. She was evil guy’s sex slave (this author has no imagination), and when evil guy found out she and TDM loved each other, he raped her to death. Poor her, you might think, what a terrible end to a terrible life. Well, that’s not what our dear protagonist thought. What she thought was, poor TDM, this is so sad for him, he had to suffer through so much. Him, him him, him. I don’t even want to call the slave girl (no name)’s death shock value or manpain any more, because this is on a totally different level. There’s this girl, probably a woman of colour, against whom a horrific, sexualized and clearly gendered form of violence was used repeatedly, and in the end to kill her no less, and all our also female protagonist can think of is how much her boyfriend must have suffered. She doesn’t spend a single thought on the girl. Not one. And neither does the narrative itself, this is all we ever hear about her. TDM had the hots for her, she was brutally murdered, he got sad, the end. It’s astonishing how often the sheer wrongness of these books leaves me speechless.

And there’s more. I’ve read a few times that this book has some Strong Female Characters^TM and generally does well on female representation. Well, no. I recently came across this amazing article about this particular brand of Strong Female Characters that comes to the conclusion that lots of allegedly strong women in media, typically tomboy-like women with “male” interests and skills and no meaningful relationships with other women, are nothing but empty tropes whose only function is to prop up the male protagonist who saves the day. This is exactly what happens here, with the male skill being magic/fighting. Not only is there an astonishing lack of female characters featuring exactly no diversity at all (except for the nymphomaniac of course), but they also don’t interact. There’s a few snippets of conversation here and there, but those are all influenced by social hierarchy and consist of barely more than small talk, and none of the women except Sonea get any depth at all. They get names and functions, if they’re lucky, but that’s it. And even Sonea, whose head we spend more time in than anyone else’s, is so consumed by his wishes every time a man comes along and expresses the slightest interest in her that it’s hard to spot a personality underneath. Like honestly, she looses the will to live, along with all of her plans and other relationships, because the guy she was in a relationship with for all of 2-3 weeks died. That’s so over the top, and so frustrating... I mean I get it, you loved him, love can be quick I guess, but that quick?? I get that you can’t turn to your girl-friends or your mother for support because oopsie daisy you don’t have any of those, but there’s some men who care about you, and not even in a sexual way, so come on.

And then there’s the ending. Oh how I love the ending. I mentioned that TDM dies in the end - the first good decision the author made, although I can’t shake the feeling that the protagonist’s role in the end is mainly to augment the impact his sacrifice has. Not only is he presented as a martyr and the ultimate hero of the story who gave all of his life energy to save the city from evil, conveniently never having to face up to all the wrong he’s done and the impact it had on the lives of those around him. His death also practically ends life for the protagonist with his death being her last POV scene. I guess some may find that romantic, but it seems as though her voice just disappears after he’s dead, never to be heard of again, and that robs her of all agency of personality. It’s as if she only has those things with him, while through his backstory we know that he had them without her. And I can’t shake the feeling that that’s because he’s male, and oh so dreamy. But that’s not the last we hear of him, oh no. Because after the last chapter, there’s an epilogue where we learn (from another person’s POV) that he left something of his behind. Namely his sperm, inside the protagonist, who’s pregnant with his child now. She mentions at some point that it’s too early for her to have a child, but now it happened, and we have no idea how she feels about that because this huge turning point in her life still isn’t told from her point of view to drive the point home that TDM’s death really meant the end of her. Again the narrative puts him over her although she’s the supposed protagonist of the story, which fits neatly into the Strong Female Character concept I mentioned earlier.

And it’s not only that, the story of how she got pregnant in the first place is incredibly sexist, too. Apparently there’s a way for both male and female magicians to avoid pregnancy. But the males are only taught how to do it per personal request because obviously it’s not a man’s responsibility whether he puts children in the world or not. The women get taught a bit more regularly, someone takes them aside to teach them when they begin to show interest in boys and the danger arises, but no one ever did that for Sonea because as far as the teachers knew, no one wanted to sleep with her. First of all, this is stupid because what if the teachers don’t notice in time or the sex just happens without a lot of courting before the actual act? And second of all... The message is basically that if no one likes you while you’re in school, or probably if you’re ugly, you are never going to have sex anyway, so you don’t need to be told how to avoid unwanted consequences. If you’re a woman, that is, for the men it’s different. This is so incredibly sexist. And in Sonea’s case this kind of thinking had the worst possible consequences: he thought she’d take care of it, and she thought he would, so now there’s a baby, and not even a father to match (bad as he would have been) and that is that. I’m yet undecided as to whether this sexist arrangement is just another carelessness from the side of the author, or a way to get the author what she wanted plot-wise because an ending to a romance novel needs to have a baby, no matter if it makes sense together with the rest of the story or not.

I could elaborate further on pretty much any point I made here, but I think I got the gist across, so fear not, I’m gonna stop (if anyone even made it to this point which I doubt). Writing up all of this made me so mad that I’m actually considering writing to the author to let her know what I think of this trilogy of hers. A bit more politely than this (maybe), but I feel like this is so problematic that I can’t just let it stand there without objecting to its messages in any way I can. After being done with this I have no doubt whatsoever that this was the most awful book I’ve ever read, and I dearly hope that it will keep this position for the rest of my life.

#books #2017 #the black magician trilogy #book review #racism #sexism #misogyny #orientalism #islamophobia #homophobia #a whole lot of other phobias and -isms #worst book of my life #trudi canavan

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ascendingdevillived456-blog · 8 years

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Am I pessimistic or just real?

Most of the time I feel like I'm accidentally surviving my own life. Not to sound like I'm bitching, but I don't have any idea why I'm alive. I've been trying to keep my life simple, but found out that is a very complicated and arduous task. I, physically, am 30some years old, and deeply know my spirit or soul or life force or whatever you want to label it as is old as fuck. I'm a little odd, I've been told, but when you realize early in life that nobody anywhere knows what in the bluest bowels of Hell they are doing, you start making decisions that TRULY matter on a high, VERY HIGH, level of deep understanding. Not to sound like a preachy zealous god-freak, but preeeeetty fucking sure we live in and on the garden of eden as mentioned in that book written 2000ish years ago. You know the one, oh... it has that bearded guy in the middle east who was the Christian God's son, but was a Jewish king, a rabbi, a carpenter, and who led a gang of misfit trouble making hooligans that wanted to make life better for everyone and ended up dead and martyred for it and is currently the nearly-nude mascot for countless kitchens and bedrooms in thousands of American homes. Jesus, what is that guy's name.... anyways... that book. I'm not great with names, nor hiding sarcastic remarks or, OR blatant disregard for that which really does not matter.... uh, uh, uh, oh well. Back on topic now. Ready? On this "bestowed paradise" of Ours, there are a few shitty things that I just WILL NOT turn a blind eye to. I got this list, you see, that has the WORST possible inventions on it that the world could have done without. Number 1 is people... People are needy, greedy, dumb, panicky, self-centered, talking alien-ape hybrids that ruin and destroy almost every thing they put their grubby little peter-beaters on. We kill for thrill and pleasure alone or in packs and have this problem understanding what compassion and sharing equally are. I did two years of kindergarten, consecutively I will add, I know you are supposed to share and be nice or something like, oh I don't know, your behavior is checked, and you learn to play with others. And now number 2 (insert low-brow sophomoric butt-mud poop-shit-fart he he he coment here. I did, but think up your own.) my list. Borders. "We look different in skin color or you talk funny, uh oh, I no longer have trust other human being, stay away from my personal comfort zone. We'll be fair though and draw a line in the dirt in case you get the same vibe from me. Ok?" "Ok, good idea. Me and my family will kill you otherwise maybe, yeah, no, yeah. Stay away. Good job." Are you shitting literally me out of your dumb asses? Where is the logic and practicality in that. We let famine happen daily because, what? Noone knows what to do? Help your fucking human brothers and sisters, and the little ones if your heart has room, you apathy ridden bag of severed dicks. This is everyone's home right now, teach people who have no knowledge. There is no such thing as unteachable. Read between the lines here guys and dolls. Break time. Let me tell you that I'm not being a rude loud obnoxious Internet troll here, some of my rants and tangent ramblings have a twisted sense of humor and are meant to make you take a minute and chuckle at its finest absurdities. Oh my, but we can also be multitasking manimals and take some inventory of ourselves and the other manimals in our lives and have conversations with each other like we're meant to. Anyone over 27 will remember a time before everyone had a fucking idiot screen in their face at all times. (Heh, jokes to come.) What separated us from beasts is our ability to develope and utilize language. To any younger folks reading this: we used to sit at the same parties you all do now, and used our minds and speaking abilities to have a blast. I'm talking some wicked-awesome fucking ideas and fun times were had before the wedding of man and technology. Put the phone down, and step away from the screens. Please. Number thwee, sorry had, food in my...nevermind. money is next on my little list of things I see as wrong. If a person has a lot of money, they generally have a lot of stuff to make sure they're happy beyond worry. On the other end of the spectrum you have... anybody? Class! goddamn kids pay a-fucking-tention! You have a person with little to no money. I will spell this out for you and you know who: that person can't be happy beyond worry because, huh? Some people have been going ape shit on their own happy. Hmmm. Opposite of happy? Right, thanks Julien, smart guy you are, UNhappy. I hope I just made a Julien's mind blow apart. Lol. Now, monetary wealth is referred to as worth. If you gots like soooooo much worth like it's bananas and stuff, then your like totally worthwhile or worthy. Julien, let someone else try now, get your tongue out of my ass you brown-noser. If you ever want to be heart broken ask the poor kid at an elementary school how he feels after the first recess after Christmas break. I bet the word worthless crosses both your minds and you purse your lips and them real big empathy tears well up in your eyes. That kid is programed to think money and worth are the same thing, and will do what he or she can to make sure they ALWAYS HAVE money when they grow up otherwise everyone else will know they are worthless. Made myself cry a little bit there. Guns guns guns are 4 on this list which may make you laugh or at best pissed. In case you missed I'd be remissed if I didn't say you need to come up with your own rhymes and eloquence. Guns though are made for one thing; ending lives. Plain and simple, keep reading you left wingers and right wingers both. The eagle that is the U.S. of A needs you both to work together in order to soar. I have really upset myself with saying that, but it's out there now, ain't it? I feel everyone should have gun training and own a minimum of three guns open carry on a daily basis (we've already got them and they've seemed to dug their heels in so we might as well adapt with the fucking things.) A semi-auto rifle for hunting food, a shotgun for food/eminent defenses, and a pistol for protection of family and home. Common knowledge for everyone should be stated from an early age: IF YOU DRAW A FIREARM ON A FELLOW HUMAN BEING, BE SURE THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE CONCESSION THAT YOUR LIFE HOLDS MORE VALUE THAN THEIR'S THEIR POSSIBLE DEPENDENTS. DO NOT SHOOT TO MAIM. IF YOU DRAW, SHOOT, AND SHOOT TO KILL. REMEMBER THAT THEY ARE AWARE OF THIS TOO, AND IF YOU KILL THEM. YOU MUST LIVE WITH THE MEMORY OF YOU NEEDLESSLY TAKING A HUMAN LIFE BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOUR LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN THEIR'S. guns huh? 5. Prescription drugs. Pharmaceutical companies are not your friends. Especially in the world of psychological medication and pain management. I take aspirin on occasion, in my younger days I was always told I "needed something to help me." Help me do what? From the age of 11 until I was into my mid twenties I've been on damn near everything besides Haledol and Geodon. Thanks for being good dealers...I mean doctors and pharmacists. If you want to ask my diagnosis I will share, but let me say that I haven't taken nor would I recommend any person to give a child DRUGS. They are not safe because they are prescribed. Ritalin is molecularly identical to cocaine. No bullshit. They are training kids to be druggies later in life and parents and insurance companies pay for it. Act now and for $799.00 a month you won't k ow who you are, have bleeding of the teeth, lazy finger syndrome, backward stools, brain bleeding episodes, coma and death, but wait there's more. If that pill doesn't work simply tell us and we will give you some other stuff that will make sure your little boy grows tits like a woman and may have a compulsive gambling and or masturbatory addiction with possible suicidal ideation. At least he'll do better on his homework. Fast forward to early adulthood... "oh mummsy? Daddykins? Whatever do you mean I'm no longer on your insurance plans? I simply must have all these pills to be completely the best I can be." "Gee you can just acquisition the local the scumbags who clandestinely make and distribute the bad version of the same drug you've been on for your whole life, my golden child." And don't forget the ssri's. Google this shit kids: ssri's long-term effects on the mind and body. And finally number 6. Social networking. I've never had a Facebook, MySpace, twitter, or anything else. This site I found accidentally while bored and this is my first time posting anything anywhere. The negatively charged part of social media is shit like; omg I 8 a waffle cone with chokl8 chip cookie dough ice cream scoops. Kill yourself you fat cow. Oh boo hoo sad face.... So long cruelty of this place, I have been wearing my life inappropriately I've been informed. Good bye 14 years. Wrapping up at this point as I've said enough for now. I'll be that eccentric and hilariously unfiltered buddy of you get my styles here. Just need to vent sometimes. Help me with Tumblr if you're interested in that... I guess. Looking forward to seeing responses. It should be noted that I have the utmost respect for any religion but abhor the use of faith as a means to control and not gain a better relationship with divinity. I'm not a doctor or political ass hat. I'm a song writing free-spirited music loving real deal motherfucker. "And I didn't even graduate FROM fucking highschool." I.Q. is up a bit above above average. No, that is not a typo.

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floridageekscene · 5 years

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Before we get into the questions, I’d like to say that cosplaying draws some of the best people in the world. Before I got into it, I associated grown adults wearing costumes as some sort of deviant lifestyle; like how much must their life suck if they have to pretend to be someone else? Then I fell into it, and I realized that it can be a powerful tool to brighten up the life of a child who may not have much going right; or be a momentary enjoyment to someone who’s life has been knocked down. It’s not easy to explain until you’ve done it. There’s a gift there for the artists that can do it, and do it well. Not everyone can afford a theme park ticket, but they can go to a con at the local library for free, or go to a community event at the sheriff sub-station, and meet Chewbacca and Darth Vader and Stormtroopers and Rey. To see a kid’s reaction is really special. It might be the only time that child will get so close to a hero that they see on tv, and I think of that when I do events. I remember fondly a response that Don Spiers gave to a local news reporter along the lines of “within the four walls of a con, anything can happen, and dreams can be realized. It’s the only place in the world where that can happen.” Leo Nocedo : How did you discover cosplaying? Troy Whigham : I was a WW2 reenactor sitting bored in my office one day (the usual requisite before spending a lot of money and filling my house with a lot of stuff I don’t need) when I started looking for something to fill the down-time during the WW2 reenactor off-season. I found Necronomicon and became interested in sitting in on some of its creative writing panels. I didn’t want to go alone, so I roped my reenactor buddy, who had his Bachelors in Literature, and we went dressed as WW2 pilots. We got a lot of “Love your costume! What character are you?” questions so we started making up a backstory as we went along: ghosts from the B-25 “Lady Be Good”, video game characters from “Call of Duty”, sidekicks to “Captain America”, and such. After that, I decided I should probably invest in a real sci-fi costume, and we both enjoyed “Game of Thrones” for its parallels to actual historical events, so we went down that rabbit hole. We met a lot of great people at the next con who were also GoT fans and we swapped information and Facebook tags and pretty soon we had a whole new social circle. Leo Nocedo : What was your first cosplay? Troy Whigham : Technically, you could say our WW2 pilot uniforms, but our true dedicated cosplay would be “Game of Thrones” as Ser Jorah. Leo Nocedo : What are your next 3 cosplay plans? Troy Whigham : I’m a member of the 501st and Rebel Legions here in Florida, so my next plan is to finally assemble my Resistance X-wing pilot costume. I already have the ANH Rebel pilot, TIE pilot, Jedi, and Scariff Rebel Soldier completed and approved. I just need to get the Resistance Pilot pieces measured and trimmed to fit, and get the flight suit tailored. Leo Nocedo : Have you ever been in a cosplay contest? Troy Whigham : Only a few times, and only with a group. I’m not anybody special. I’m not trying to promote myself as an individual; I prefer to support those who can do a much better job with their costumes than I can. I prefer to be the shoulders that someone else stands on to achieve their own measure of greatness. Leo Nocedo : Do you prefer sewing, armor making, or wig working? Troy Whigham : My background actually comes from building scale models as a kid. I can sew (most reenactors are forced to learn eventually), but right now I only sew by hand (I have a 1950’s Singer machine, but I haven’t learned how to use it). So, I prefer to work with hard pieces, like armor or helmets or props. If I sew, it’s to modify something I’ve bought off-the-shelf or something that absolutely can’t be obtained somewhere else. Leo Nocedo : Do you prefer to do photoshoots at cons or at specific locations? Troy Whigham : I’ve done both. Con photoshoots are great for convenience and for meeting other costumers, but I enjoy dedicated location shoots for the party that goes along with it. My Star Wars groups do an annual photo shoot where we all come together and do a pot luck picnic in Pinellas County while shooting pictures for trading cards. My GoT group does a similar thing at Bok Tower. For my Ghostbuster and SHIELD groups, we literally get into some cars, either an Ecto or my SHIELD Xterra with a support vehicle, and convoy to different spots. Cons tend to be a bit more rushed, because everyone has other things scheduled. Location shoots tend to be more dedicated and relaxed, and who doesn’t enjoy a good road trip? Leo Nocedo : Is there a type of character you cosplay frequently? Troy Whigham : Rarely will I do a “title character”, like Batman or Iron Man or a main character from a show. I prefer costumes where you can have multiples and the more you have, the better it looks. For example, you can have 1 Ghostbuster, and it’s a good Ghostbuster. You have multiple Ghostbusters, and it becomes a show. So, most of my costumes are characters that you can have multiples of. Leo Nocedo : Do you have any favorite cosplayers? Troy Whigham : I do. I’m going to blame the guy that threw me down the Marvel superhero rabbit hole. David Mansfield of Super Dave Cosplay has built a full-on hard-shell armor-plated Iron Man suit. The thing is amazing; missiles pop out, laser beams come out, it’s just fantastic. The problem is, he has to be buckled and screwed into it, and with the suit on, he has limited mobility and limited vision. Because I’d worked with Stormtroopers and Darth Vader cosplayers through my involvement with the 501st, I offered to be his handler to keep things under control while he was “on-stage”. I didn’t want to just walk out in a t-shirt and shorts; I wanted to look somewhat official and related to him, but I didn’t want to drop a lot of money on something that I might wear only once. So, I reached into my closet and pulled out a business suit, added some sunglasses and a $20 ID badge and boom, I was Tony Stark’s SHIELD security man for his first public appearance. As soon as we walked out onto the show floor, people went nuts. The crowd reaction was amazing. I’d seen how people react to Chewbacca and Vader, but the reaction to Iron Man was a whole different level of “wow-ness”. Kids stopped in their tracks. Parents were amazed by the engineering. We couldn’t move; it was picture after picture after picture. I don’t think Dave was really prepared for the response and the mob we generated, so it was good that he had me there to keep things chill. At the end of the day, as we were exhaling, we looked at each other and nodded “yeah, we gotta do this again.” Funny story about that Iron Man suit. We were at SyFy Bartow and Dave had entered into the costume contest as Iron Man. In the process of being assembled into the suit, he managed to snap a servo that allowed the mask to lift up and down. For him, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He was always having to fix something on the suit; loose wires, broken plastic, unglued Velcro, chipped paint. It was constantly under repair. So he was ready to just toss the whole thing in the garbage and get on with his life. Fortunately, he was talked out of it (not by me) and glued it together just long enough to walk across the stage for judging. He ended up winning 1st Place in it. So, now I give him a hard time about winning a contest while wearing a costume he pulled out of the trash can. Leo Nocedo : What’s the most detailed cosplay you’ve ever done? Troy Whigham : For my Star Wars costumes, everything has to be made to a standard, so I can’t really take credit for any of those. I’m constantly adding bits and pieces of bling to my Night’s Watch and my SHIELD costumes, so probably my most detailed would be one of those. Leo Nocedo : What are your top 3 craftsmanship tips? Troy Whigham : 1. Look for advice on YouTube. There’s a lot of great crafting videos on there, some better than others. 2. Look for advice from those that have been there, done that. 501st and Rebel Legion (and the Mando Mercs) are great for giving advice to those trying to build up to the approval standards, and a lot of that advice can carry over into other cosplays. The radio I wear for SHIELD is actually my TIE pilot intercom system, right down to the radio chatter. 3. Don’t be afraid to experiment. You learn more through failure than you do through success. Leo Nocedo : What is your favorite cosplay you’ve done? Troy Whigham : SHIELD. Absolutely SHIELD. I can do as little or as much as I want. Business suit and a badge = SHIELD agent. Jeans and a t-shirt and a $15 hat = SHIELD agent. Tactical boots, pants, vest, radio, patches, cuffs, weapons = SHIELD agent. I can customize to suit the environment; warm weather, cold weather, marching or just standing. For people that don’t have a lot of money, or need something that they can also use in everyday life, I recommend doing a SHIELD cosplay. You can be tactical, you can be science, you can be technology. SHIELD does all of it. And with the MCU chugging along, SHIELD will be chugging along, too. Leo Nocedo : What is your worst cosplay “horror” story? Troy Whigham : I’ve never had anything important break or rip or snap, so I’m luckier than most. Leo Nocedo : What’s your funniest cosplay story? Troy Whigham : Our GoT group had gotten quite large at a con once; almost 18 people. Because GoT is an ensemble show, there were a lot of different character options and we had managed to get an almost complete set of the key characters just by bumping into people as we wandered around. Everybody was still getting to know each other, but we just gelled right away as a group, and would frequently get stuck with picture after picture after picture. The space between the two escalators at the Tampa Convention Center became our deathtrap. We couldn’t get away! Just as we finished photos for one group of people, a fresh batch would come down and ask for some, too. We learned that if we peeled away in batches of 3 or 4, and then reconvened at a new spot, we could move about a con a lot better. So, that afternoon we were in the process of reconvening, walking single-file down the back hallway to register for the costume contest and the hall was packed with people. The men would hold up their swords as beacons for the others to follow behind. As we were coming up to a cut-out, a lady, phone in hand, started to take the picture of our character in front. Then she saw the next one, then the next one. “Hey, it’s … and there’s…. and it’s… and he has…!” She was so excited that she couldn’t form a complete sentence. By the time I got up to her, she was shaking – seriously shaking – as if we were rock stars. That’s when I realized the power that a good costume, and a good group, could have on someone. Its powerful stuff and something I respect. Leo Nocedo : What’s the best in-character interaction you’ve ever had? Troy Whigham : Our SHIELD group was in the DragonCon parade, which is massive. The people of Atlanta really turn out for it; just huge groups of people 5-deep standing on the curbs waiting and watching and having a great time. Kids to grandmas, they all turn out. I love marching on the sidelines interacting with the people, dancing and giving high-fives the entire way. There aren’t any barricades. You just walk right up to someone and give a high-five. Well, ahead of us was a mixed group of superhero costumes. Clair Bauer, as she’s known presently, was dressed as Wonder Woman (and an excellent one at that). A little girl bolted from the side and ran right up to her, because here was a real live Wonder Woman and the little girl couldn’t believe that she was real. In that instant Clair realized what was going on, and what her responsibility was. Clair smiled at the girl, gave her a quick hug, then gently guided her back to the curb so that she wouldn’t get run over. As cosplayers we have to remember that to some people, we are the character we represent. Clair did that, and I was fortunate enough to witness it. Leo Nocedo : Have you ever cosplayed with a family member? Troy Whigham : No, but my sister and niece were impressed that I got so much recognition as a member of the 501st when we went to Disney one weekend. Leo Nocedo : What is your favorite cosplay photo of yourself? Troy Whigham : I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t photograph well. That said, there are photographers that do manage to put lipstick on a pig and make it look pretty, so there are photographers that I’ll invite to shoots specifically because they do good work, and they’re good to work with. Leo Nocedo is one of them. Joe Tomasone, Bri Kupfer, Travis Kirk, Greg Rice, and Michael Trefry are others. Susan Schaller dabbles in both cosplay and photography. One of my favorite photos came about randomly. It’s just a simple shot of me as SHIELD walking along in my first DragonCon parade, taken by a stranger. Someone I know saw it, tagged me, and it came across my feed. I found the photographer that took it and thanked her for the picture; that it was one of my favorites from the weekend. It blew her mind that a random stranger would take the time to PM her directly to thank her for a photo she snapped almost on instinct; she totally didn’t expect it. If someone manages to take a good picture of me, I take the time to acknowledge their talent. They put lipstick on a pig and made it pretty. Leo Nocedo : What are your go-to stores for cosplay materials/full cosplays? Troy Whigham : Every cosplayer eventually finds something at thrift stores. You don’t need to drop $400 on a business suit if you can find one that fits well for $25 second-hand. But, with a suit you have to know what to look for, like sticking with natural fibers – wool, cotton, silk – and how to accessorize it. Polyester fabric doesn’t hold shape. A black suit can be used for so many costumes: Blues Brothers, John Wick, SHIELD agent, Men in Black. There’s a lot of stuff that can be purchased cheap and re-purposed for props. I’ve seen VCRs be converted into remote-controlled machine gun turrets. Eventually you develop an artist’s eye for things. Leo Nocedo : Do you prefer to buy pre-styled wigs or style your own? Troy Whigham : SHIELD doesn’t have time for wigs. That’s why we wear hats. Leo Nocedo : Have you ever had someone mistake you for a different character? Troy Whigham : All the time. When I do my GoT Night’s Watch, everybody assumes that everyone with a black cape is John Snow. In the 501st, TIE pilots are called Darth Vader on a regular basis. We take it in stride. At least they try. I never correct the person; I just go with it. Leo Nocedo : List all the cosplays you’ve done. Troy Whigham : WW2 pilot, X-wing pilot, Ser Jorah, Night’s Watch, TIE pilot, Scariff Rebel Soldier, SHIELD agent, 17th century Royal Navy sailor, Thomas Wayne (Bruce Wayne’s dad), Muldoon from “Jurassic Park”, random ACU guy from “Jurassic World”, and WW2 infantryman (I talked some of my reenactor friends into coming to a con in a costume, so we dressed as WW2 infantry and got pictures with all of the WW2 themed superheroes – Wonder Woman, Captain America, Batman, Catwoman, Superman; we even got a picture with Colonel Sanders and a Desert Shield Eagle!). Leo Nocedo : What’s the biggest con you’ve cosplayed at? Troy Whigham : DragonCon. Hand’s down. We do a panel for kids called the Junior Agents of SHIELD where kids have to solve a puzzle to earn their SHIELD badge and ID card, then they go through a path to get autographs and pictures with Avengers characters. At the end, they get their picture with Director Fury and Tony Stark. The first year we did it, we had to turn families away. We’ve been invited back every year ever since. I’m going to reiterate how cosplayers are the best people in the world. The first year we went to DragonCon, Dave and I went to Atlanta sweating about whether we’d find enough characters for our panel. We met a few at the parade, and a few just walking the hotels. We’d explain what we were doing and that we needed help, and people jumped in. On the morning of the panel, a few backed out with family and business obligations, but we sent Directory Fury, whom we’d known for all of a day, up to the main level and he came back with some excellent people to fill spots for the panel. Every year we’ve managed to find some really great people, and even though we only see them once a year, it’s like we just saw them yesterday. Leo Nocedo : Do you prefer cosplaying characters with props, or characters that you don’t need to carry a prop around all day? Troy Whigham : A good prop can go a long way. It draws attention. At some cons, you’ll see a lot of the same character, but if you’re that character with a good prop, you’ll get noticed a lot more. That said, props can get heavy. They can be bulky. You have to go through weapons check, which is another delay to getting on the show floor. It’s all about your priorities. Leo Nocedo : Have you ever lost a cosplay piece at a con? Troy Whigham : Once is all it takes. Fortunately I was able to get it back. Volunteer staff don’t get the credit they deserve, so I’m giving it now. Thank you volunteers! Unpaid, unrecognized, but very much appreciated! Leo Nocedo : Have you ever bought a cosplay piece at a con? Troy Whigham : Yes. Badges, pins, IDs, patches are usually easy to find. One time I found a resin-cast Maltese Falcon for a Humphrey Bogart cosplay I want to do. Leo Nocedo : Do you prefer to cosplay solo or in a group? Troy Whigham : Groups. I’m in it for the social interaction and the opportunity to meet different people. Cons are good places for that, because you can walk right up to someone dressed in the same theme as you and make an instant connection. I’ve met a lot of great people that way. If you want to go to a con but you can’t find anyone to come with you, just come in costume and you’ll have friends within an hour. Leo Nocedo : If you had a chance to meet your all-time favorite cosplayer, what would you say to them? Troy Whigham : I’d tell him that his cosplay is weak, if only he was taller, and to get off my coattails. He knows who he is, and right now our mutual friends are laughing. Leo Nocedo : Have you ever done a cosplay panel? Troy Whigham : Yes. I would encourage everyone who gets into this hobby to do it at least once. I know public speaking is a scary thing, but it’s also a good way to exchange information, and in a convention setting there’s a lot more freedom without judgement. Inside the four walls of a convention, dreams can come true. It’s a good place to get experience because at some point in your business life, you’re going to have to give a presentation to people that aren’t as open and forgiving as attendees at a sci-fi con. The great thing is, at a con, you don’t even have to be yourself. You may lack self-confidence, but does Tony Stark? Bruce Wayne? Natasha Romanoff? If making yourself a starship captain gives you the strength you need to give a one-hour presentation, then go for it. Inside those four walls, dreams can come true. Leo Nocedo : Do you prefer to buy or make cosplays? Troy Whigham : Coming from a reenactor background, where the uniforms and equipment are all bought from cottage industry shops, I have no qualms about buying a piece from a store and customizing it. Amazon has become my go-to for medieval and tactical gear, simply because of the selection available. Etsy is a good place for specific designs, and eBay (love it or hate it) is also an option if you don’t mind correcting things. What usually happens is I’ll get one piece here, another piece there, make a piece myself, and then hit the thrift store for something to use as a prop. Leo Nocedo : If you could tell your past self anything about cosplay, what would you say? Troy Whigham : I should’ve been doing this sooner. The balance of male to female is about 50-50; much more preferable for dating than reenacting where it’s almost 80% men to 20% women. It’s also open to creativity, and is a great way to meet good people. Leo Nocedo : What is your ultimate dream cosplay? Troy Whigham : Oof. Tough question. I’ve already hit my dream cosplays. I think I’d make a good Skipper from Gilligan’s Island if I can find a group of people to do the other characters. I already have the stuff to dress. I’d also like to do a Sheriff Buford T. Justice cosplay someday, and finally catch that sumbitch Bandit. Leo Nocedo : What’s the most difficult cosplay you’ve ever done? (Craftsmanship, wearing of, ect) Troy Whigham : X-wing pilot. I built the helmet myself, which was initially more challenging than I imagined, then I had to modify the extraction straps to fit my short, fat body. It was my first serious costume and it took me a couple of years to finish it. Leo Nocedo : What’s the most difficult character makeup you’ve done? Troy Whigham : Never tried. Leo Nocedo : What, in your opinion, makes a cosplayer a “pro” cosplayer? Troy Whigham : People that can make money at it. I think being a pro cosplayer is a modern invention; people weren’t doing this at this volume twenty years ago and getting paid for it. Look at “GalaxyQuest” for a representation of what the scene was like. That said, I know cosplayers that aren’t pro, that could make money at it, but prefer to do it for fun because they find it rewarding in and of itself. Leo Nocedo : What is your favorite part of cosplaying? Troy Whigham : The reaction from people when I do it right. I don’t mean that I expect accolades, but when kids faces light up, or someone laughs because they’re having fun, or people just simply give a compliment, that’s the best feeling in the world. No matter what other problems are going on in my life outside the four walls of the con, getting that validation inside of it makes all the effort worthwhile. Leo Nocedo : Make up your own question! Troy Whigham : If you’re going to do something, do it to the best of your ability. When I walked into my first con in costume, I didn’t know what to expect, but I had a good quality costume. Quality attracts quality, and if you’re bringing your “A” game, you’ll get noticed by other “A” level cosplayers; they will come up to you and start chatting and pretty soon you’re in a good circle of people and having a great time. Case in point: A lot of Deadpool costumers thought Deadpool was all about being a clown and a jerk. No, no he’s not. The best Deadpool cosplayers know when to strike a funny pose for a picture, and when to be cool with other characters. Deadpool lampoons stereotypes. You have to know who the Deadpool character is; what his perspective on reality is. Otherwise, you’re just a guy in a spandex onesie ruining the con experience for everybody else. Don’t be that guy. Be that guy who brings the right props, plays with others well, and is open to suggestions on improvements and fresh ideas for the character. You’d be surprised at how many friends you can make that way. If you’re going to your first con and don’t want to drop a lot of money, you can go as a zombie hunter. Some jeans, a t-shirt, and a re-painted Nerf gun from a thrift store. Total cost: the $4 you spent on the gun and the $4 you spent repainting it with spraycan truck bed liner. Bloody it up if you want. Or don’t. You’re your own muse. You’re bound to meet Umbrella Corp, or The Walking Dead, or other random zombie lovers. Have fun with it. That’s what it’s all about.

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Cosplayer of the week : Troy Whigham Before we get into the questions, I’d like to say that cosplaying draws some of the best people in the world.

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ecotone99 · 5 years

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[MF] The Traitors Letter

To whom it may concern,

I’m certain that no one will read this and that if they do it will be far into the future and make little sense to whoever reads it. That doesn’t bother me now because tomorrow it all ends for me and with no outside contact I find myself needing to speak to someone, anyone, and get it all off my chest. So to anyone who comes across this I’d just like to begin by apologizing for the atrocities I’ve committed against my fellow man and against my government.

You see I was born before the war in a simpler time and I suppose that my upbringing, what little I had at least, was to blame. I blame my upbringing but I do so without using that as an excuse. I was born in Western Kentucky in ‘94 (1994 that is) to a single mother whose obsession with booze meant that I would spend my childhood out on the streets learning everything the hard way. It could always have been worse: I could have turned to drugs or gangs instead of the computer.

Either way to make a long story short the kids I hung out with after school were what you’d call “hackers.” Not the Guy Fawkes mask wearing type (if you even get the reference) but the kids who could “root” your playstation for you and put pirated games on it. Because of them I got pretty good and computer science was my obvious profession of choice upon turning 18. Hardest four years of my life up until I got put in here but I finished it and moved out West to find work at what they called “Silicon Valley.”

I ended up working for a company whose name I’ll keep to myself (not that they’re still around anyway) and did so for six or seven years before the war. Hell I even managed to get a pretty nice house with a picket fence and everything. But when the tensions rose and war seemed inevitable everything changed.

We all knew the foreign policy of the last few administrations had been blunder after blunder but when our boys went off to war in Asia it was initially just against one nation and we had the coalition. Wasn’t long until everyone seemed to become our enemy in battle. Nations that we’d been allied with for decades they said were killing our men and the draft was imposed. That’s when it all changed. I was already older than 25 and my job was in data science so I didn’t have to go fight but I saw some of the people coming back and I was, am, just so sorry for them. That’s why I did what I did that was all. But they’re right a crime is a crime.

Anyway I started “working over” every night once the rationing began since I didn’t have much to do at home and could use the companies internet to monitor the goings on overseas. I don’t know why I guess I just like the whole “great game” world news type stuff and I also saw so many people coming back I always thought the war was ending any day. My mistake was not knowing that after the Peace Act was passed my company was one of many that were rolled into the DoD and so the whole time I was being monitored by NSA guys.

I started doing the usual info gathering stuff. I would take on of the last known battles and look for towns around it then lookup newspapers from those towns. I thought this would be all I needed to do to get news from the front and there was so little being played for us here at home. Messed up thing is I never read nothing about no battles in Iran or Japan and I even wrote programs to crawl whole regions worth of newspapers and I found plenty of battles but none involving the US in either of those countries.

So I thought this has to be an error or those countries gotta be covering the war news somewhere else. Around that time I stopped being able to connect to the servers outside America and I assumed it was something the company had done so I started using a system of proxy servers to connect to the outside world. It worked at first but since I still had nothing I started looking through Cameras and microphones but after awhile I still had nothing.

So I began putting together all the information I had into a single folder and I was gonna take it to a real journalist: someone who had an idea what to even look for or who to tell. That’s when the Blackcoats got me. Roughed me up pretty good too and at that time I had no idea what I’d even done or why just that I was in trouble something bad cause they through a black potato bag or something over my face.

After the beating they through handcuffs on me and I left in a what seemed like a bus. I know there were some other people in there with me because I could hear them yelling before loud slaps shut them up. I don’t know how to describe it it was the saddest and loneliest I’ve ever felt and then a heart dropping guilt just kinda sat there in the background. After what seemed like a whole day we arrived at some facility and I was brought to a cell and the bag taken off.

I asked the guy who put me in there as he was locking the door, “hey buddy what the hell is all this for?

He just told me to stay quiet and walked away. My cell faced one of the big white brick walls so I couldn’t see anybody else but I could hear a girl next me sobbing saying to let her go. I don’t know how long she was in there but I know after 5 minutes I heard some loud footsteps and that girl didn’t cry after that. The guard brought me a nasty plate of wet food just once the whole time I was in that cell and I swear it was two whole days.

When I finally did leave they placed another bag on my head, knocked the hell out of me again, and drug me down the hall to a bright room where they took the bag off again and chained me to a large metal chair with handcuffs. In front of me was a tall blonde lady in a black dress suit and a shorter mean looking man with red hair. The man stood up over me as I sat in the chair and pulled a baton off of his side

“Name and social?,” the lady asked in a monotone voice. I told her and the man gave me an unsatisfied look as if he wanted me to tell her a lie.

“Tomorrow you are being bussed to Florence Correctional Institution where you will wait out your final sentence.,” the lady said again monotone, “If you have any questions this is your one chance to ask them.”

As the lady pulled out a pen and prepared to I guess take note of what I asked the man grabbed my hair and told me to ask quickly. I was devastated and had a million questions but the only thing I could spit out was a crying, “Why?”

The man hit me and yelled out for me to be more specific so I asked, “Why am I going to prison? What have I done?”

The Lady gave a soft sigh and put her notepad back and pen back on the table. She signaled for the man to let up on my hair and after he took a step back she began, “did you know we are at war with thirty-seven nations at this time? That hundreds of your fellow citizens are dying every day?”

“I know there’s a war,” I said, “I didn’t know who all it was against.”

“Oh?,” she immediately responded and cut me off, “you seemed to be quite the detective when it comes to the matter how did you not know?”

“I don’t even know if there is a war I didn’t see-,” the man knocked me in the stomach with the baton and my head flew forward. He grabbed me by the hair again and the bastard smacked me in the face two or three times. The lady walked up stern as the man was hitting me and rose her voice. It wasn’t monotoned anymore that’s for sure.

“This!,” she yelled as she brought her mouth right next to my ear, “is why. You are a treasoninst liar who attempts to subvert the war effort by misinformation!”

“No!,” I cried out and the man slapped me again. I didn’t let it stopped me from screaming, “No that’s not it I just wanted to know. I just saw all the men coming back and was curious why so many seemed so rough compared to the wars of my youth. I just wanted to report on the war that’s all!”

“We have war reporters and official channels,” she screamed in my ear as the man beat me for a few more seconds, “we don’t need subversive news from the likes of you.”

The both backed off of me as I cried out that I was sorry and I didn’t know. I must have swore to every god I could think of that I wouldn’t do it again: that next time I’d know better. They were having none of it and they both walked out of the room as the bag was brought over my head yet again and I was dragged out into the hallway and back to a cell.

The next day I took that bus ride with my face covered. It took us three days to get there with me being beaten every now and then and the occasional screaming off some other poor soul who had done wrong. I won’t bore you with the details of the terrible things I suffered through over the last few years since I arrived but I did want to say that if the weekly needle therapy is still around I hope you never have to go through it. Once a week for the last few years I’ve been brought to a room where I talk about the crime I committed and other crimes like it except when I do these nurses stab needles into my side and inject some kind of reverse pain medicine in me and that’s the worst thing I’ve ever felt.

Now I know it’s taken me awhile to get here but the whole reason I decided to write this was what happened yesterday. I had just came back from the daily hour I get outside the cell when the door opened and a man with a bible came in. He was the preacher see and everyone is given one last visit before you know what. He walked up and put his hand on my shoulder.

“If you wish to repent you can do it now son.,” he said in a gently voice and looked at me. You can imagine I apologized for everything I’d ever done and when I finished the preacher went on.

“I’m sure you are,” he said as he stepped back and looked up at the one small window at the top of the cell, “I know it doesn’t mean much to you now but since it’s almost over we figured we would give you the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve helped the world just a little bit.”

I looked up at him with tears in my face and said, “H-how? What do you mean?”

He gave a large smile and spoke, “The Administration has been looking for a way to rehabilitate vile prisoners in an efficient and reproducible way. You’ve been part of a test to perfect this method and I’d say are living proof that it works. Murderers, rapist and dissidents all can be churned back into productive citizens in a few years. Once the post-therapy kinks are worked out of course: but you’ll not have to worry about that.”

I was dumbfounded. Part of me wanted to scream at him but as soon as the anger came a pain hit my lower gut and a fear like that of child seeing monsters in the dark came over me. Anxiety overwhelmed me and I looked at the man, who still smiled, and with a mouthful of choking tears I cried, “G-glad I could help. So there’s no death penalty anymore? You just let people go?”

“Yes that’s correct.,” he said as he walked closer to me yet again, “well except for you and the other test subjects. You’ll understand that having people around who remember before the treatment will be a bit of a problem going forward. We can’t allow you to even unconsciously spewing such conspiracy theories as the one you were locked up for lying about.”

I did, and do, understand what the preacher meant. The state has to uphold unity in the people and I was planning to spread disinformation or at least to spread information I didn’t know was correct. I only wrote this letter for people in the future to find because they’ll wanna know how it happend. How the world became so much better as a new type of society emerged from the victor of that awful war.

Before I don’t think I would have been able to look death in the eyes without that odd guilt one gets when imagining the world without them. Today I know I leave to give a better world to the children of honorable citizens and to prevent men like me from existing. I think, though I don’t know for sure, that given the chance I’d have killed myself all those years ago even before the Lady in Black and the Red Haired man beat me. If they’d have just told me it was for the good of society.

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