#like you know how they both have very different responses to their relatively similar traumas?

[whywoulditho]

i like the idea that despite their obvious color palettes atsushi is more into dark stuff while akutagawa prefers lighter ones. atsushi drinks black coffee while akutagawa likes lattes. atsushi listens to metal while akutagawa likes classic music. atsushi is maybe a thriller fan while akutagawa has comfort shows. it's just something i think about

[daretoassume]

the conscious and the unconscious

we all manifest from the day we are born. the only difference is that when we are younger, we unconsciously manifest things into fruition, unaware that we are doing so. but how can we create our life consciously?

unconscious creation

this is where we are not aware that we are manifesting simply because we don't know anything about manifestations, or we don't believe that things we constantly think about and that come out of our mouths manifest at some point.

sometimes, we manifest good things unconsciously; perhaps we believe in something that will come and feel good about it. but mostly, when we have not had a good childhood or environment, and negative people surrounded us, we had no choice as a child but to absorb all those negative energies and narratives. we eventually act like them even though we don't want to grow up like them. negative situations become familiar to us to the point that favorable conditions are unlikely to occur.

most of the people we are surrounded by as children have this "victim mentality." they believe that life happens TO them, not that life happens FOR THEM. they have a negative outlook on life, and other people, as though the world is against them. they feel helpless and desire to be in control because they believe that bad things will persist. guess what? that kind of mentality will continue and manifest until they change their way of thinking, their thoughts, and their beliefs.

"until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and call it fate." ♱ carl jung

but we don't have to blame those who taught us a negative way of thinking; perhaps it is our parents, siblings, relatives, or friends. they only teach us what they know; they are not aware. would they teach us something like the law of assumption, the law of attraction, spirituality, or self-love if they knew it?

no, they are not aware, and they are probably raised in a similar manner by their parents; additionally, trauma and circumstances in life shape how we perceive the world.

conscious creation

this is where we become aware that our dominant thoughts and feelings create our reality. we start to become aware of our thoughts and beliefs. at first, it will feel very uncomfortable because it is hard to believe that we create our own reality, especially when we come from a hostile environment for years, perhaps most of our childhood. but this is the point at which we do inner work because we want to unlearn those negative experiences and limiting beliefs from our childhood.

how do we turn the unconscious into the conscious?

1. awareness

you would not be here reading this if you were not aware, so good job on that. awareness is about recognizing that we are separate from our thoughts; we simply observe them as they interact. it is about reflecting on whether a thought serves us better or not. if we are aware of our trauma and limiting beliefs, we will likely engage in healing to unlearn them. it is always our responsibility to heal.

2. change the negative narratives

create narratives that are just as true as the negative ones. if you think about it, "i need to work hard to survive" and "i don't have to work hard to survive" are both equally valid. sometimes, changing our sentences, our narratives, and how we talk to ourselves in our minds can alter how we perceive our reality and our feelings.

3. state of being > new personality > new personal reality

i learned this concept from dr. joe dispenza, which is quite easy to understand. the state of being is our dominant thoughts and feelings. now, transform those thoughts and feelings into the vibration you want to become. what would your higher self do? what do they think? if we are aware and practice this over time, it will eventually become our new personality. and if there is a change inside us, there will be a new personality, a new approach to life, leading to a new personal reality. the key is to become unfamiliar with it. a change is necessary to occur internally, and everything else will follow.

"you can have more than you have because you can become more than you are. unless you change how you are, you will always have what you have." ♱ jim rohn

𓍯 entryfromsane002 (extracted from the old blog two years ago)

[loevhyuck]

let me ask you a genuine question. idols have no obligation to tell us any personal info whatsoever and their privacy is #1. i have tho, read mark saying multiple times over the last few years that there is still a part of him that he doesn’t love yet/doesn’t know if he will ever love/accept. and it struck me so deeply because i used to say the same thing. what do you think he means by that?

oh hello. so. here we are. this is the most awful thing i can say, but i have often noticed that he and i are very similar in some topics. and theme about self-dislike i feel especially acutely. in all the years that i've been following mark, he still seems to me to be a very insecure person. this was especially intensified after he confessed in the documentary. the one where his parents had more hopes for his brother than for him. and i think this is one of the reasons, although he will never blame his family, this is one of the important components of his life. but the first place we find ourselves is our relatives, and unfortunately, especially when it’s a younger child, they don’t believe in them so much. and i am sure that he will always not do enough for himself. no matter how he kills himself at work and almost breaks down like a toy. that he works little, labors little and tries to do more to be accepted, to be seen. he is his own biggest enemy, as are his thoughts. as it seems, he takes too much responsibility upon himself. he was used to being alone, like a person who left home in early childhood. and i was always really sad that mark didn’t believe in himself until the end. that it’s as if he doesn’t find a place in himself. but the funny thing is that he is most confident on stage. and perhaps the fact that he became an artist saves him for the most part. but in another he sees his whole fate and the trauma of a child alone as a nightmare and that he is still alone, a canadian who moved to korea.

but now i would like to raise a slightly different topic. when he says he is a bad person. that he's really not that good, even though we all know he's not. everyone in the industry loves him and almost everyone in the group mentioned that they are grateful to mark for everything. and i always wondered why there was so much uncertainty in him that he was a good person, but he had such a big heart. the same mark who is in love with the sky, a hopeless romantic and a great team player. and every time i asked myself this question, it was as if I was both so close and so far from the answer. because we each have our own reasons for considering ourselves a bad person. from attitude to other people, to life, to fans. and most importantly to yourself. and i don't think cark can't take sides because of the type of artist he is. or let's say appearance. or family. because he is growing and growing, perhaps he is overcome by frustration about advancing in two units, but also. his family is always close to him, and everything seems to be smooth with his fans. i think this is something that sits deep within him and is part of him.

if I don't love and can't accept myself, then how can I move on.

'you’re normal. you’re doing fine. sometimes you’re doing better, sometimes you’re doing worse but at the end, it’s you. so, i just want you to have no regrets. i want you to feel yourself grow and i just want you to also love yourself' but I began to notice that after child it began to rise especially often. that he wants to grow up and love himself. perhaps this is not only his appearance and his creativity, where he is still trying to find himself, or an internal conflict due to character, but something deeper.

the only thing is, I don’t want to bring up the topic of religious guilt/trauma, as well as sexuality, because i never want to speculate on such things on the internet publicly. but personally i have this. that sometimes I still cannot accept some things on this basis, my bisexuality in particular. i can’t understand who I am and finally understand myself 100%. because everything would be easier if I were different.

thank you for this interesting question, if there is anything else to discuss, you can write to me or ask another question. I hope that I got at least a little into the reasoning. i will write more later. <3. p.s. i also don’t like myself and will never be able to accept some things. and it's because of the way i treat people, they see me too as a good person, but i never have been and never will be.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

hello! :D I'd like to request a matchup for genshin, honkai star rail, and demon slayer. please and thank you! 🫶

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: Asexual + Greyromantic

Zodiac/MBTI: Libra/INFJ

Appearance: I'm 5'1. My hair is a darkish-brown with light brown streaks, and I have a long whispy layered pixie cut. I have a triangle + mesomorphic body type. I have olive-toned skin. My eyes are brown, and I have eyebags. I have a birthmark on my right arm that's in the shape of a key. I have a beauty mark on one of my ear lobes (I also have quite a few on my arms). I wear glasses. What I hear people say a lot when complimenting my appearance, is that I look cute and very pretty. I'm also told that I have an RBF but then others say I don't, so..🤷‍♀️.

Personality: I'm just going to list a bunch of traits, so I apologize 🥲. Nice, independent, caring, articulate, calm, clever, intelligent, compassionate, deep, empathetic, friendly, gentle, humble, genuine, forgiving, hard-working, humorous, disciplined, helpful, insightful, intuitive, kind-hearted, reliable, logical, loyal, mature, observant, methodical, patient, realistic, selfless, reflective, sweet, responsible, wise, emotionally strong, accepting, supportive, complex, quiet, awkward, reserved, straightforward, sarcastic, self-concious, shy, tired, blunt, brutally-honest, gullible, procrastinator, lonely. I also struggle with things mentally, such as; anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, trauma. I'm also a perfectionist, overall very hard on myself. I'm also someone who cares very deeply for my friends and close relatives, I would do anything for them.

Likes: Going for walks, hanging out with friends, deep conversations, blankets, the night sky, sunrises and sunsets, astronomy, psychology, literature, ancient history, nature, browsing, window shopping, sweets, pasta dishes, traveling, art, exploring, cats and dogs, music, fruit (😩), coffee and tea, laughing, joking around, stormy weather, learning more about the things that interest me, to clean willingly.

Dislikes: Waffles 🤢, alcohol (for personal reasons), centipedes, anything that makes someone not redeemable (or someone that's just a terrible person overall), hot weather, people not listening or understanding what I'm saying, being watched or stared at.

Hobbies: Painting, ceramics, playing video games, reading, listening to music and occasionally podcasts.

Extra: My enneagram is 5w4. I scare the daylight out of people because of how quiet I am 💀. My main love language is quality time.

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

You and Mona definitely have stargazing in common! She loves that you're interested in one of her main passions. It makes her feel more connected to you when she can share that interest.

Stargazing dates where she tells you everything she can about the stars. Whether you're interested in the legends behind the constellations, the scientific stuff behind the stars, or just learning the names of different stars, she's the person to go to.

Definitely gets where you're coming from with being an over-achiever. Mona's also a bit of a perfectionist so she knows the pressure that can put on you.

If she sees the indicators that you're starting to get overwhelmed by your commitments, Mona knows some good techniques for getting your mind off whatever's bothering you.

A really good listener and very attentive. If there's anything bothering you, she's there to lend an ear and help you work though it.

Enjoys listening to music with you. She's open to pretty much any type of music so whatever you play, she'll give a chance.

Thinks you're very clever with your ceramic skills. If you make something for her, she'll treasure it forever, putting it somewhere she'll see it every day.

In Honkai Star Rail, I match you with...

You and Gepard would get along really well! You both have similar personalities; honest and loyal, but also perfectionists.

Gepard cares deeply about people in general (he would be in the career he is otherwise) but when it's someone like you, that gets multiplied.

You could ask pretty much anything of him, and as long as it's within his power, he'll do what you ask. I see his love language as acts of service and quality time. He just wants to reassure you that his feelings are true.

Coffee buddies! This guy absolutely drinks a ton of coffee everyday to keep him going. Knows your order off by heart so whenever he's getting a coffee before meeting up with you, he'll get you one as well.

I see Gepard as someone who also dislikes alcohol mostly because of the amount of drunkards he has to deal with on a daily basis so he can certainly respect the fact that you don't like it.

Would love to have a stargazing date with you. He'll pack a picnic and find a good spot where you can see as much of the sky as possible.

Doesn't know much about the stars but he'd love to listen to you talk about it. He's a good listener so you never have to worry about losing his interest.

Will pick up books based on your interests. Whether they're on astronomy, psychology, ceramics, or food, he'll remember all of your interests and find books about them that he thinks you would enjoy reading.

In Demon Slayer, I match you with...

I think Zenitsu is you best fit because you would bring out the best in each other.

I think Zenitsu might feel a bit insecure at times about whether he's a good person. He knows how you feel about people who are irredeemable and he worries sometimes that he falls into that category because of his cowardice.

Please reassure him that you do care about him. If he hears it from you, he'll feel a bit better. The thoughts are still there but instead of making him insecure, they'll slowly push in towards improving his short fallings.

Pays really close attention to you when you're talking about your interests. He wants to be able to support you in everything you do, and the best way he thinks he can do that is by researching your interests so he can talk about them with you.

Loves watching you make ceramics and paint. He finds it relaxing, and he gets to watch you do something you enjoy. Zenitsu thinks you look the prettiest when you're concentrating on something you enjoy doing.

Another one who loves stargazing dates! Although he tends to spend most of the time staring at you instead. He doesn't mean for it to be creepy! He just thinks the moonlight accentuates your best features.

If there's anything you tell him to do to support you when you're having a bad mental health day, he's all over it! Need a hug? He's on it! Just want him to keep you company for a while? You got it! Want him to go out and get your favourite food? He's already out the door! Don't worry, he knows your order off by heart!

[stratuscloudsurfer]

I'm not sure if it applies with your AU, but I thought. (Warning: Some angst.) The Submas Twins are likely the liveliest with each other outside of MC giving them a proper battle. Which they don't notice at first because whenever they're in the same space, they either argue - so of course they're lively - or leave because they're annoyed with each other. Even anticipating each other pulls them into the present.

And so it sounds silly to both of the brothers when people say that the other usually seems lost. They've only experienced the other at his clearest.

They're better than in canon because of each other. But they don't see each other that often, and the trauma is keeping them from remembering despite interaction. They're often in states of daze, mind elsewhere and also nowhere.

So imagine when, for example, Emmet sees Ingo from a bit far away one day outside of Warden-and-clan business. Maybe after they got over their dislike after the Alpha incident? Ingo doesn't notice him. Emmet doesn't know why he stays but he watches Ingo, how other people interact with him.

Expecting him to get loud, be a spoilsport, etc.

It doesn't happen. Even talking and directing the people, when he straightens up to point, Ingo's eyes stay empty. And when nobody's interacting with him, he returns to his slouch and stares into nothing.

It unnerves, maybe terrifies Emmet. Is this what he looks like when his own thoughts drift away? Is Ingo experiencing the same? Deep in his core, his heart breaks because Ingo shouldn't be like that.

And a similar realization could happen to Ingo about Emmet. They might be needling (playfully) each other even more just to make sure that empty look stays out of their eyes.

Ooooooh very interesting thoughts here...

( And I’ve got a lot of thoughts too, heh, sorry in advance for the long post )

I'd say that definitely the brothers are at their most animated around each other. They somehow manage to bring both the worst and the best out of each other. 

I feel like the difference in personality when they're around vs. not around each other would be much more noticeable in Ingo. He gets so fired up and loud around Emmet that its as if he is a completely different person. I feel like it would be a less dramatic shift with Emmet because 1. he arrived after Ingo, so he doesn't remember a time when Ingo wasn't in Hisui at the same time as him, and 2. He's a part of the Diamond clan where there is so much chaotic energy, what with Sabi and Melli and even Adaman around. These are just my own personal thoughts here, but I feel as if the Diamond clan is more open than the Pearl clan because Adaman doesn’t think time should be wasted on subtext and subtlety. He encourages the members of his clan to express their feelings openly, which leads to a lot of lively discussion. If a member of the Diamond clan has a problem with you, they will tell you to your face, holding nothing back. It’s the perfect environment for Emmet, who is blunt to begin with, so he thrives there, and in general feels more like himself.

In contrast the Pearl clan is relatively reserved. Irida values a calm and peaceful space and steers her clan members away from conflict. Therefore, if a member of the Pearl clan has a beef with you, they are less likely to outright confront you about it. There are far less confrontations, but consequently gossip has a tendency to spread (as evidenced by how they treated Palina with the whole Growlithe situation). 

Ingo already has a natural, overwhelming sense of responsibility from being the oldest sibling, but in the Pearl clan, he has no outlet to escape from it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he likes being in the Pearl clan, and especially admires and respects Irida, but he doesn’t feel as if there is anyone he can really talk to about the crushing pressure that he feels sometimes from having so many people relying on him for so many things, and besides, he doesn’t really want to end up like Palina (poor Palina btw, she’s a queen and didn’t deserve being trash-talked behind her back). Not that he would burden any of the other Pearl clan wardens with his feelings anyway. I mean... that would be unprofessional, right?

The only time he feels like there is no point hiding his frustration is when he is fighting with Emmet. He has no idea why he gets under his skin so much, because usually not even Melli fazes him, but he just does, and It all explodes out at once, and he gets loud, but Emmet can handle loud because he is loud, too. He leaves every encounter with his brother feeling irritated but oddly relieved at the same time, like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. 

Maybe once they finally start getting along, he confesses some of these frustrations to Emmet. How he wishes that Kamado would stop piling up work for him to do at the training grounds on top of his regular warden duties even though he doesn’t even work for the Galaxy Team. How Irida doesn’t seem to understand how hard it is to be present at a mid-morning meeting after tending to largely nocturnal Lady Sneasler all night. How if he hears Gaeric tell him that he really should join him for his ridiculous workout routine one more time, he is going to lose his mind. Emmet encourages him to keep talking by agreeing with him (”Yes, you’re right, that is verrry annoying”) and casually shit-talking the people that annoy Ingo (”Sometimes I think that Gaeric has more muscle than he does brains”).  Afterwards, Ingo gives him pointed look and tells him, “Don’t tell anyone I said that. They absolutely cannot know,” and even though there are, as a rule, no secrets in the Diamond clan, Emmet doesn’t dare tell Ingo’s. 

I imagine that once Ingo has Emmet to talk to about these sorts of things, his “old” personality returns. He is louder, more confident, and smiles more (although its still rare). Its a slow change, but everyone notices it, and Emmet can’t help but feeling a little relieved (although he can’t quite put his finer on why). 

[leoprincess777]

♦ busting SYNASTRY MYTHS ♦

11th HOUSE SYNASTRY - THIS SYNASTRY DOESNT MEAN SOMEONE SEES YOU AS A FRIEND OR YOU ARE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS, STOP REPEATING THIS SURFACE LEVEL SHIT YOU’VE BEEN EATING UP FROM MODERN ASTROLOGY POSTS. This is the house of wealth and gains, it’s the fullfillment of our desires and sudden profits. It’s an indicator of your sources of income and allies. So of course, you will have strong foundation with someone you have 11th house synastry with because it will be built on a ground of trust and support. Along with emotional connection, there’s also a mental connection that makes you share your secrets and ideas to them as you would do to a friend but that’s only one piece of the puzzle WHICH DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU WILL BE GOOD FRIENDS (you can’t make that comment for any type of relationship in this synastry because if 11h is afflicted by malefics that will most likely bring a negative result which can make you enemies or drain one another’s life force lmao). More than anything, especially if you have your 7th house lord in your partner’s 11th house you will gain so much from them in so many ways including oppurtunities and finances and helping you achieve your earthly desires. They will be your ally and support, supporting you in your pursuits and opinions. It’s like a debate team with financial support lol. It can also indicate you will go back to university and complete your education or get a new degree after you get together with this person. Most of this also goes for 3rd house synastry.

5th HOUSE SYNASTRY - “This indicates a fleeting romance” FUCK NO. That’s one of the most trumped-up interpretations i’ve heard. You CAN’T predict the longevity of a relationship based on house overlays. Ever heard of Davison charts? Anyway, prominent 5th house is anohter EXCELLENT synastry. It often donates a relationship where you can discuss ANYTHING - your wildest thoughts, plans and experiences. Someone you jump from topic to topic. Very often the planet person is the “childlike” one which the house person adores and takes inspiration from. Planet person becomes a ball of joy and energy that makes the house person destress and cheer up, thought it can feel like an ‘overdose’ sometimes. Both parties become some sort of an energy source for each other. You play games together, indulge in fun activities, create things (can even be an invention) together. Even doing nothing and just talking to each other feels fun and full of laughter (unless there are some other placements disturbing this synastry). This is the synastry of never-ending honeymoon. A couple with rahu/mars in 5th house might have a son as the first child. If venus is there with the nodes, it might be a son with venusian qualities. You can also get more popular or lucky if you are with someone you have 5h overlay with. The house person also pushes you to focus on your studies more.

12th HOUSE SYNASTRY - There’s a lot of stigma around his house (8h as well) and people often fear it. Weeeeeell...It IS a karmic house so people you have this synastry with are likely to be karmic partners. HOWEVER, don’t take this to oH NO this is not my TWIN FLAME this is a KaRmiC pErson shit. Literally almost everyone is a karmic partner lmfao, there’s a difference between good and bad karma. This synastry can play out good or bad depending on your own individual karma with this person and how you are managing your life. You can look to Rahu/ketu & saturn to get more info on the karma and to see how it’ll play out. Basically the planet person becomes your escape especially if their sun/moon falls into your 12h. They can end up being your savior. There’s an undeniable theme of profound change that this synastry brings. It often leads you to liberation, through a path of restriction. You need to overthrow the restrictions the other person brings to achieve total liberation. This is often a part of the soul’s karma. A couple with this overlay often keeps a secluded relationship from their relatives (maybe even ghost their families lol) and tend to travel together. They often open up to each other surprisingly quickly about their past and traumas, though there’s a really odd distrust within the couple.

6th HOUSE SYNASTRY - People have a very poor understanding of the 6th house, it’s often condensed to ‘service’. 6h synastry is similar to 12h synastry as they are the same axis anyway, but the difference is 12h’s effects are more abstract meanwhile 6h’s effects are much more physical and can be observed on a practical level. The theme with this house is “either serve or die” and has a karmic tone to it too. It’s not often this dramatic tho lol but usually a couple with 6h synastry feel a deep sense of responsibility towards each other which can make it hard to leave even if it turns toxic. Planet person often triggers the house person’s instincts to ‘serve’ the planet person in one way or another - the house person may do random gestures, buy lots of gifts, support them every way possible etc. so in this way it’s a very cute and beneficial synastry, because they are very much involved in each other’s lives and make a visible impact. They often make one another’s daily routines change, so they can spend time better. Though, one of them can treat the other like an assistant or in worse case scenario, a slave. Think I’m a slave 4 U by Britney Spears lol. They can begin constantly demanding things and get mad when the other doesn’t live up to their expectations. They can also become a disciplinarian for the other (this can also apply to 10h synastry) 

OTHER NOTES ♥☺

If you have a mutual mars overlay with someone in 10th house (your mars in their 10h, theirs in your 10h) your aggressive energy as a couple will most likely be public. Meaning you are prone to have public arguments or fights. Alternatively you can also do illegal business or outlaw activities together, often involving some sort of violence or marsian quality.

If someone’s rahu falls into your 4th house, they will feel peace in our presence but they might drain the peace out of you, meaning they can emotionally and physically drain you, bring conflict and chaos into your life. It may become addictive in some cases. Rahu person will keep wanting more. If at the same time your rahu falls into a water house in their chart (so if ur rahu falls into their 4h,8h,12h houses) you will keep giving more and also find it addictive and hard to get out of. It will push you to surrender.

Rahu in 7th overlay indicates a pre-destined marriage/partnership

Moon in 1st or 2nd house is a very common overlay between soulmates and married couples. Moon in 2h is especially a very auspicious placement in terms of material wealth. The planet person often spoils the house person and knows EXACTLY what to get to the house person as a gift, they have a natural understanding of what the planet person would like and their needs (unless afflicted or outweighed by other malefics placements)

[personal experience] Gemini moon men always try to make me talk about myself so they can gather and store information about me, all the while i’m a sagittarius moon (so sidereal scorpio and in opposition to their moon) and i never reveal anything important or “deep” about myself - i can make myself look like i’m being vulnerable and intimate but when the conversation is over, they realize i didn’t reveal to them anything that is actually valuable and important SHDAIWHJGJGKJG which is why after some time...like in about 2 days they even start trying harder. One of them literally begged me to talk about myself and i think this is a good example of the synastry between this axis

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 2x04 recap

Well, I definitely didn’t lie when I said this one was going to be long. Help.

(To anyone who actually makes it through this entire thing, I salute you. I swear I’m going to try to tone it down next week haha).

Ok I’m gonna try and be relatively short and to the point (heh, good f*ckin luck) about all the non-Armony stuff, because oh boy do I have a lot to say about those scenes. Lord.

I would have paid to see Thony and Fi manage to get Mr Motel Moustache (MMM) into that laundry thing lol. Maybe they tipped it on its side and kind of just shoved him in??

Well at least the show is actually continuing to demonstrate Chris experiencing the effects of trauma rather than just brushing it off the way so many shows do, so that’s something?

Lol no Maya, Garrett and Thony are not sleeping together (never ever gonna happen lol, hallelujah), but she is romantically entangled with a mob boss, so you guys do have that in common haha. But oh ok so it was Robert (or one of his lackeys) who hurt Maya?? Also if they have eyes on her 'at all times' how the hell did she manage to come to a FBI agent’s house in broad daylight?

Sigh. Fi. Thony didn’t answer her phone because she was being blackmailed by Garrett, and had to do what he wanted to protect you… though lbr Thony just needs to start telling Fi everything, bc it would solve a lot of problems. Also I’m so stoked that MMM is alive after all, since dealing with a live threat is so much more interesting than dealing with disposing of a body lol 

I honestly wonder how many people Arman has killed. The ones we’ve seen– Jimmy in 1x03, the bald guy in 1x07, and Hayak– were all situations where he didn’t really have a choice; Jimmy stole from Hayak, so killing him was the expected action (plus, it indirectly protected Thony by satisfying Hayak of her loyalty). Then the bald guy was to save his own life, considering he’d have been dead if Hayak found out about him selling the guns, and killing Hayak was obviously self defense. I think those killings he could make peace with (well… maybe not Hayak so much; I desperately want him to break down to Thony about that one at some point, though I doubt the show will give that to us). But anyhow, he’s never going to be able to be okay with taking a life for Robert. Especially not the life of one of Robert's debtors, someone whose situation is not so different from his own, now. 

Oooh Nadia is pushing for the street drugs– is my prediction gonna come true?? I love that last ep, Arman was telling Thony that they needed to consider Nadia’s idea of selling more lucrative drugs, but now he’s defending Thony’s refusal to Nadia and telling Nadia that they’re not drug dealers. Sounds like someone took Thony’s words to heart… also omg writers please stop dropping hints about Sin Cara killing Bosco!! Don’t you know he’s my boy???

Nadia is all pleased by Arman’s jealousy towards Robert– but is that really what it is? Like okay sure maybe a little (it would be weird to have to deal with your wife’s first love) but I wonder if Arman’s disgust is more about the way Robert looks at her like a prize he wants to win; like an object, which firstly Arman hates because she’s so much more than that, but also because it reminds him that both of them are just objects in Robert’s eyes; not people who came from nothing and made something of themselves, but just playthings for his amusement. I do appreciate that she has a similar reaction to his suggestion that he collect debts for Robert– reminding him he’s more than that, more than just a tool to be used. And lol gotta love Arman’s very half-hearted response to her hug haha, like yesss if I’m gonna have to see physical affection between these two, I want it to be as reluctant as possible on his part lol.

(Btw Arman must have gotten some excellent quality bruise cream bc his swelling and bruising has settled down a hell of a lot in the last like 12 hours lol)

Damn Thony that’s some good tying– “The harder you pull, the tighter they get”?? Where did you learn that one, huh?? Also love that she thought ahead enough to bring a sedative haha– like what other interesting things are in that big bag?? Clearly not rope tho lol

Oh Chris. Poor sad boy. Much trauma. That mirror shot was cool tho

Lol Fi bouncing around like a ping pong ball while Thony just stands there. At least Thony has seen the truth of it– the video is not the real problem here, the problem is the guy who can use what he knows against them– and she has already seen what the end result will have to be. And of course she knows exactly who can help save them from this problem. Also excuse me “He’s not family”– um correction, Fi, he’s not family yet. But give him and Thony a little more time and soon you’ll be calling him your sort-of-brother-in-law lol

I am surprised to admit this, but I kind of enjoy the dynamic between Garrett and new agent guy? Garrett is like a puppy who desperately wants to come play with the other agent dog and his toys lol, it’s almost (almost) endearing. And agent guy has a great voice. 

Oh god Thony. Could you maybe put some gloves on rather than just touching everything with your bare hands??? Also this searching is so inefficient lol, lbr it must be that she’s already decided deep down that she’s gonna call Arman and so she’s just doing this cursory effort at a search so she doesn’t feel like she lied to Fi haha. Also damn this is another good song, if anyone finds out what it is let me know! I’m still bummed that Savage from last ep isn’t on Spotify

Okay can I just point out that if there are outstanding debts that Arman could collect for Robert that he hadn’t ever expected to get back… then he’s a pretty forgiving loan shark?? Also I highly doubt he has a shortage of people on staff to go and make those collections for him… but I guess the whole appeal of the deal is that he gets to feel like he owns Arman (aka the man that Nadia chose) specifically, and is able to make him do his bidding. I have to say I am starting to get Robert’s casting a little more; they needed someone older than Arman and with a bit of gravitas, because no way would Arman be able to deal with taking orders from someone younger and less polished. And Naveen is doing a good job of making Robert a little more nuanced; there’s a surprising edge of vulnerability to him when he talks about Nadia, which actually seems sincere (and she certainly seems to take it as such)-- well, either that, or it’s some very impressive manipulation.  I love Arman literally turning away as he thinks through the offer, which is interesting symbolism as it leaves Nadia and Robert looking at each other behind his back.  He wants to protect her– he doesn’t want her to be subjected to being a plaything for Robert, like he already is– but he also sees the value in taking the offer (it could get them free of him so much faster) and he respects her ability to decide for herself.  But lol “You’re both mine” I think Robert’s over here planning to start a harem haha

You know I was literally wondering like a day before the ep aired who looks after Luca when the kids are at school and Thony and Fi are at work?? This woman seems lovely but there is NO reason for a character to be that pregnant unless they’re going to pop out a baby in like the IMMEDIATE future. Is Chris going to have to deliver this kid????? Also ugh Fi and Chris, these two are nailing these emotional scenes

Arman I am very much enjoying your costume change from suave businessman to hired-muscle-slash-runway-model lol. As much as I enjoy the suits, I vote the black tshirt/jeans/leather jacket combo stays forever. But omg the whole jockey thing? Like ngl I enjoyed it, but man it treaded close to the line of being a little too comedic/slapstick for this show’s vibe– thankfully it didn’t cross the line, but it was close. Maybe the point of choosing this kind of setting /character was to highlight how far Arman has been dragged down from his cool and untouchable mob boss persona of S1, that he is now subjected to the indignity of having to physically chase a debtor like a farmer trying to catch a chicken– not to mention getting his ass handed to him by a guy half his size. Been a long time since you’ve had to do this kind of grunt work, hey buddy?  

God, when he answers her call he doesn't even look at the screen, just hits the button and says her name– how the hell did he know it was her?? Does he have a special vibration alert for her specifically or???? (Most likely it was just to do with the editing of the shots, but I choose to believe that he does have different vibration tones– one for her,  one for Nadia, and then one for all other calls. That way he can know immediately if it’s a call he needs to take). But ugh are you kidding me with this?? The look on his face when she says she needs his help? Like his whole day just completely turned around lol. (Definitely makes me think back to Nadia calling him out– “You love the way she looks at you when you do these things for her. You’re her hero.”). Also he can probably tell instantly from her tone that she’s not distressed, which means he can skip being worried and instead just be pleased that he’s going to get to see her and help her out and make her happy ugh. Of course he probably immediately asked if everything was okay, and sigh I really wish we got to hear that conversation and see his reaction as she told him the whole story about Marco’s death, bc oh man the face journey would have been beautiful. Sigh, just another to add to my list of things to fic, I guess.

Ngl I want to know how these two managed to program keycards for this specific door, since it would have had to be done through the computer system, but I’ll just let that slide lol. Also Fi’s “I wish I knew how to get through to him”-- just let him talk to Arman!! Who better to support a young man who has been through something traumatic and is struggling with having done something terrible?? They can go do something manly together, like idk smash things or Arman can teach him to drive or something, and Chris can talk to someone who is super freakin cool and who Gets It, and also Arman can bond with his future nephew and score points with both Thony and Fi at the same time??? Win win for everybody??  

I love the way Thony tells Fi that she called Arman. She says it in a quick little burst, her body tense but expression determined, because even though she hates going against Fiona’s express wishes, she knows it was the right option– their only option. The whole situation is overwhelming, and Fi needs Thony’s strength and support to get her through it– but Thony can’t carry that kind of weight alone. She, in turn, needs Arman’s strength and support to get her through it. And honestly to her it would seem so clear cut; it’s not just that Arman has ~experience~ with this kind of thing (even though yes, that’s definitely part of it), but it’s also just that– aside from Fi of course– Arman has become her Person?? Some things are too big to be handled alone, and whenever that happens, Arman is the one she turns to, because she knows he will always be there for her, just like she knows she would do whatever she could to be there for him as well. Fi doesn’t get that yet; she sees Thony running off at all hours to do things for Arman, and thinks that it’s because he has power over her or that Thony feels she is indebted to him for helping Luca. She has this caricature in her head of him, this ruthless mobster type who has Thony firmly under his control (likely influenced by whatever shit Marco spouted about him), and so that’s why she reacts to seeing him the way that she does. Well, okay, she also reacts to the fact that he looks like a goddamn movie star, but a big part of her response is the fact that she was expecting some cold-blooded criminal to stride in with his gun drawn and shoot their unarmed captive in the head/violently torture the password out of him before walking out again with some vague threat about how Thony will owe him big for this. (Just roll with me here; I maintain that this is legit and that Fi has as much of an imagination as I do lol). So that’s what she’s fearing when Arman turns up at the door, but instead she gets faced with this leather-jacketed Adonis who immediately looks her in the eye and introduces himself to her, then quietly and compassionately swears to her that he’s going to help her. Honestly her reaction was so perfect (ngl, I let out an embarrassingly high-pitched shriek of laughter at “call me whatever you want”, bc same, girl, same) and it was just so goddamn relatable omg???

In fact, I guess now is a good time for me to admit something… that I have actually personally been subjected to the fun game of ‘Surviving In The Presence Of Adan Canto’ irl. He was on the same flight to Albuquerque as my friend and I when we visited in July, and I ended up having to stand literally right in front of his seat for probably a solid minute waiting for other passengers in the aisle to store their bags and move out of the way (god, I am forever grateful to them for taking their sweet time haha). To be fair, he's maybe slightly less potent in a tshirt/jeans/ball cap combo than in the fancy Arman suits or the leather jacket, but still, holy shit. My friend said that when I turned around to stare at her after first spotting him, it was the most genuinely alarmed she's seen me look in 11 years of friendship lol– thank god that having a mask on gave me a chance to control my face pretty quickly haha! Sadly our seats were at the totally opposite end of the plane to his though, so by the time we disembarked, he was long gone. Not that I would have approached him anyway of course (it was like 11pm, dude was probably just wanting to get home asap) but ngl another glimpse would have been more than welcome haha. (Oh and @enigmaticfox can absolutely attest to the truth of all of this, since I literally immediately paid for in-flight wifi just to be able to scream at her over whatsapp lol.)  

But anyway, the point of all that was to say: Fiona, I get you, girl.

Okay back to the motel room. I freakin love Arman’s surprised little smile at Fi’s response to him; I’m sure he’s had many people have all kinds of ~reactions~ to his hotness, but Fiona is different– because aside from Luca, she’s the most important person in Thony’s life, and boy is he desperate for her approval. Like ugh that pleased little face practically shouts "yes! I'm gonna get a good grade in Impressing My Future Sister In Law, which is both normal to want and possible to achieve!" (...actually, I guess it kind of is? lol). And then ughhhh in addition to the Arman Hotness™ he turns on the full powers of the Arman Compassion™ all while standing  right there at Thony’s side like it’s where he belongs. And THEN it gets worse????? He goes to check out what he’s going to be dealing with, and lord I can absolutely picture him seeing the guy’s bound hands and literally stopping in his tracks, eyebrows shooting sky high. I am honestly grateful there was no one to witness the look on my face when he stepped back out of the bathroom and asked her in that I’m trying so hard to be cool and casual about this right now tone whether she was the one that tied him up, and she clearly can’t quite figure why he’s asking– did she not do it right? Did he disapprove for some reason?-- and then when she confirms it (with just the tiniest hint of defensiveness) he immediately morphs from that wide-eyed blushing emoji to the fucking smiling devil emoji omg. “I see you’ve learned a few things” EXCUSE ME MR MORALES WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO THAT WITH YOUR FACE AND YOUR VOICE AND YOUR EVERYTHING??? I would personally like to sue this scene for emotional damages because I am absolutely a victim here lol. I think Fi might feel the same, based on the way she looks at Thony; I honestly can’t decide if it’s more “What the hell kind of criminal shit have you been getting up to with this guy??” or “What the hell kind of kinky shit have you been getting up to with this guy??”  (Maybe both?? Let’s go with both haha.) And lollllll forever at Thony just closing her eyes– what a super awkward time to be suddenly very turned on, hey Thony??????

Phew okay honestly I almost appreciate the scene switch to Nadia and Robert purely for some recovery time haha. I like that Nadia isn’t so much ‘working’ for Robert as just getting to do something she enjoys– which is the act of influencing people (especially men) into doing what she wants them to do. It’s a fascinating character trait and I really enjoy seeing the way she uses it on both Arman and Robert in slightly different ways. It’s also very interesting to consider the contrast between how she gets Arman to do what she wants vs how Thony does; Nadia is clever with her words and with her emotions, always knowing which buttons to push and in what order, partly due to her natural talent and partly due to knowing him so long. (Of course, he knows her, too, which means he knows that at any time he might be being deliberately manipulated).  Whereas Thony just comes to him with such earnest openness– there’s no manipulation or guile to her interactions with him (the one time she tried, in 1x05, it was under significant duress and she still couldn’t go through with it because she cared too much about what would happen to him ugh) and god, that must be so damn refreshing for him. Conversely, I think Robert actually loves being manipulated by Nadia. He’s so powerful and untouchable that no one dares to challenge him at all anymore, but Nadia is different; she’s known him since the start, and she’s not scared of him, so there is a kind of teasingly adversarial nature to their interactions that he clearly can’t get enough of.  

Arman, staring at the cord tightly binding the guy’s wrists: “don’t fantasize about it, don’t fantasize about it, don’t– shit too late” lolllll. Got a little bit of a thing for bondage, huh Arman?? Don’t worry, I’m sure Thony will be very willing to demonstrate her technique for you someday not too far from now.  (Seriously, this ep killed me with the sexual tension. It’s like the intensity of the situation made these two forget that they’re supposed to be keeping their distance, and I LOVE IT).  But anyhow I love that they both take the opportunity to have a little catch up while standing over an unconscious dude in a bathtub lol. Ugh Thony’s concern for him and his situation with Robert– firstly because of the debt hanging over him, but also bc thanks to Maya, she knows Robert is both a) into some criminal shit and b) likely to be a person of interest to the FBI, meaning Arman’s connection to him will put him at risk from the FBI again. Arman is all too willing to answer any questions she has, and ugh at that open body language and the way he moves a little closer to her while they talk; meanwhile she’s got her arms folded again, just like I mentioned in my last recap– given we know how much she trusts him and feels safe with him, crossing her arms isn’t a sign of discomfort, but having to hold herself back from connecting  with him physically the way she wants to.  And ok yes, she’s fishing for info rn, but I have no doubt she’s going to tell him her concerns about Robert very soon. Now’s just not quite the time for that conversation haha (like I said, unconscious guy right there). But oh man I held my breath when he mentioned her meeting Robert– I assume it was Robert himself that mentioned Thony at some point, because I think it’s unlikely Thony would have brought it up and we already know Nadia is sticking with the story that she did all the work getting Arman out of jail. It makes sense to me that Thony didn’t tell Arman about the stripping down part, especially right now (again, unconscious guy), and tbh I’m glad, bc while I so desperately want him to know, I want him to find out from Robert himself, because I want him to go completely feral and attack him over it haha. (yes, I also have a WIP about this lol, and I know @chartreuseblueandyellow has already posted a fic which I can’t wait to read once I’m done with mine!). 

Poor Nadia. She talked all tough in front of Robert but honestly she’s perceptive enough to know how precarious their position is, that at any time Robert could tire of the game he’s playing with them and demand what he’s owed. She’s over here being deliberately sexy and charming and pushing Robert’s buttons– aka, playing her part– and where’s Arman? Skipping out on the job that he asked to do so he could go be with Thony (again, points to him for not lying about it tho). Honestly Nadia has every right to be pissed with him, and I’m happy she is, because it will lead to her pushing Arman away– which, conveniently, will allow him to continue on his path towards Thony. (I have an Ask to answer about the Nadia/Arman/Robert situation so I won’t go into it here). But anyway ugh this phone call is amazing because it makes it clear to both Thony and Fi that Arman is choosing to be here helping her even though it is causing issues in his marriage. Thony is clearly contrite about it– she knows the difficult position that their connection puts him in, the way it divides his loyalties, but she still can’t keep herself from repeatedly reaching out to him– but ugh “it’s never a problem for you to call” (translation: please please call me more, I will take any excuse I can get to see you, I will always be there for you) and then that eye contact??? Rude. I’m sad the shot ends a bit abruptly because I wanted to see more of Fi being like HELLO I AM STILL HERE AND SO IS THE UNCONSCIOUS GUY CAN THE EYE LOVE-MAKING WAIT UNTIL THIS SHITSHOW IS OVER PLEASE– and then the two of them do some awkward throat clearing and be all like “uh right so the unconscious guy…” lol

Speaking of MMM, he’s still zonked,  and ugh I love the shot of the little trio standing over him. Absolutely fantastic choice to have Fi standing between Arman and Thony– firstly it shows she’s getting just a fraction more comfortable with him, and secondly it means we are blessed with her looking back and forth between them like she’s watching a very slow and emotionally charged tennis match lol. Forever crying about how he’s so matter of fact about it– “you two can go, i’ll take it from here”-- bc lbr from the moment he heard on the phone that the guy had been a witness to Thony being present at Marco’s death, he knew he was going to kill him. I’m glad though that Thony tells him no and tries to find another solution, because it shows him that she didn’t just blithely assume he would come kill for her, and also that she is trying to protect him too by finding some other way to neutralise the guy without Arman having to get blood on his hands. I love his little smile as he gently explains Crime 101 to them (all witnesses gotta go)-- and then ugh she calls him out on the very notable exception, and omg THE NERVE OF THIS BOY to look at her with so much fucking softness and say “that’s because you’re different’. He doesn’t say ‘that’ was different, he says ‘YOU’RE’ different. Even from the start, he saw something in her, a similarity between them, a connection. He would never want to kill any innocent woman, but with her, taking her life would have felt like killing off something deep within himself, so instead he did the only thing he could do– he pulled her into his world, bringing her close, keeping her safe. So of course she’s different; she’s his, just like he is hers, each of them balancing out the other. Honestly this line was reminiscent of the ‘I’m in too deep now’ from 1x07 (but dialled up even further, ugh), and tbh I don’t know how Fiona was even able to stand being in that room with them right then lol, let alone literally in between them. Probably lucky she was, though, or they might have started making out right then and there, and the problem of MMM would never get solved lol

Uggghhh anyhow gotta move on. I love that Arman immediately relents when Thony insists on trying to scare MMM into silence first; he knows it won’t work, but he knows it’s important to her to try (and lbr, he’s already totally planning to come back and arrange an ‘accident’ for the guy later), so he helps her do what she needs to do. Not that he’s complaining; lbr he absolutely enjoyed showing off his sexy tough guy act for Thony, though not nearly as much as he enjoyed Thony’s quietly unhinged red market organ harvester act. The way his eyes go from her– from her calm expression, her cool and collected movements– to MMM’s face, seeing the fear that she is able to inspire with just her words, it’s clear that he is INTO this. You can even see him swallow hard at one point when she’s laying her hand over MMM’s liver, and honestly this scene is just Too Goddamn Much for me ugh. It’s not only the sexual tension (tho ngl I am getting some strong roleplay kink vibes here, y’all, particularly with a little light dom/sub flavour, lord help me) but it’s also the new level of understanding between them, the perfectly cohesive partnership, and what it means for both of them– for Thony, it’s knowing she can take charge and do something both risky and unfamiliar, and that she will be completely supported by him; for Arman, it’s seeing that Thony is not afraid to step deeper into the shadowy world he inhabits, that she can accept the darker side of him and all the terrible things he has done out of necessity, because she understands. I also love that their knees are just touching as she threatens MMM, a tiny physical reminder of that connection and support. The only shot I couldn’t quite figure out was Arman’s expression when she says that she’ll take the guy’s heart too, and that it sells for $1M– but I decided that it was him mentally being like ‘wait is that actually true???’ lol. Too bad you already gave your heart to Thony for free, huh Arman? :P  But ugh the way he looks up at her for her decision after the guy tells them where to find the file, and the smooth command in her voice as she tells him to stay there while she goes and checks it out-- like I said, the dom/sub vibes are REAL here kids (if you hear some kind of distant screeching/wailing sound, don’t worry, that’s just me not being able to deal with this in the slightest)

Ugh thank god, watching Fi be devastated by the video is actually easier to watch than any of that previous scene lol. I love Thony being savvy enough to wipe the drive, though I wish she’d been equally savvy in wearing some goddamn gloves so they didn’t now have to clean every inch of this room. But oooh the way Fiona is starting to see Thony more clearly now and realising that there is more to her connection to Arman than she’d previously assumed. I was worried when she said Thony was different with Arman; worried she meant it in a negative way, that she might judge what Thony had done, or act like her connection with Arman had tainted her somehow. But then instead she brought up Thony’s trust in him, and it was like ohhhhhhhhhh. Because in that bathroom Fi saw the side of Thony she used to see way back in her surgeon days– the decisiveness and the proficiency, the confidence and the self-assurance of someone feeling completely secure in the situation she was in. Of course, that side of her hadn’t completely disappeared in the time since she’d left work to have Luca, but it was rarer now, tempered by the constant strain she was under and the complete lack of support she received from anyone (other than the limited kind that Fi herself could provide). But with Arman, she is able to become that person again, because she knows she can trust him to be there, to support her in whatever way she needs. Fi knows it even before Thony confirms it (we’ve already heard her explicitly say that she trusts him, and have seen evidence of it countless times, but still, I died at the conviction in that ‘yes') and then ugh the “because he always shows up when I need him”. Honestly, the Backstreet Boys really captured it with “I don’t care who you are/ Where you’re from/ What you did/ As long as you love me” lol; Thony doesn’t care about Arman’s past, or that he sometimes has to do bad things– not only does she know the world is far more complicated than simply being split into Good and Bad (she’s even said as much, when detained with Garrett in 1x09), but Arman has also proven himself to her, proven that he’ll always be there when she needs him, that she matters to him in a way Marco never showed her. I often noticed the contrast between Marco and Arman in S1 in relation to Thony, how one of them would always only add to her burden while the other would always try to lighten it in any way he could. (Even in death, Marco added to that burden, but here Arman is, taking care of her yet again). But anyway ugh Thony swearing to Fi that she would do anything for their family but that sometimes that way is not going to be the way they want definitely ties back to Arman’s line in 1x01 about doing things ‘any way you can’.  And idk maybe it’s just me but “sometimes things just happen the way they happen” sure sounds a lot like “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall in love with a mob boss while still married to your brother, but here we are” lol. In which case, Fi’s acceptance with ‘Bahala Na’ could have a whole other level to it– whatever happens with Thony and Arman, happens… 

Well, those USBs were a lucky find lol. But ugh Arman’s concern when they come back into the room looking upset, and the freakin predatory glint he gets in his eyes when he says ‘he lied to us’ (idk why the us has me so affected lol, it’s the logical word choice, but damn if it doesn’t make me feel like he’s a member of the family now).  Poor Thony is so rattled tho– tbh she’d known right from the start that MMM was a problem that would need to be eliminated, and what that would likely mean, but then the apparent success of their little roleplay had really had her believing that silencing him could be achieved without bloodshed. But now she knows the truth, sees that Arman knew it all along. And I love that he knows she understands now, so he just lets her process and focuses on Fiona instead, all gentle and calm and reassuring with “You don’t have to. I promised to protect your family. I’ll take care of it.” Which, firstly, (*muffled screaming*) and secondly, according to Wiki, one of the meanings for Bahala Na– other than whatever happens, happens– is “I’ll take care of things”.  Which kinda seems slightly contradictory, but still, I love that through this other meaning, Arman is part of their Bahala Na pact with them. (Ngl I’m totally gonna adopt this concept in my own life, I love it.) Anyway I feel like the stunned look in her eyes is not just about the fact that MMM is going to have to die, but also that Arman is so prepared to do it for them. She still hasn’t clicked to the fact that Arman would do anything for Thony, which I guess is fair, considering this is the first time she’s even seen them together– but I think after this, the image she had in her head of the ruthless mob boss keeping Thony trapped in his grip is certainly going to be gone, replaced by that of a man with a complicated past who truly cares about (loves) her best friend. But anyway ugh the way Thony reached for Arman, holding on for that brief moment as she accepted what was about to happen– the touch both a request and an acknowledgement; she knows what needs to happen, and what will happen no matter what, but she still gives Fiona agency in that choice, just like Arman did for her earlier when he agreed to her plan. And the fact that she acknowledges that Chris is Fi’s son and so the decision is up to her shows that she is really listening to her and respecting her position in this situation, especially considering how Fi told her earlier in the ep that calling Arman wasn’t her decision to make. God this show is just freakin incredible with the nuance in its character interactions, I honestly can’t. (Also damn, Martha knocked this scene out of the fucking park, omg. What a queen.)

I also just cannot deal with Arman’s entire everything as he leans there against the counter (so goddamn rude, sir) or the small nod he gives Fi. But ugh then when Thony’s eyes lift to his, clearly pained, and he gently reassures her that it’s okay– he knows her hesitation is partly about the fact that she’s literally condemning a man to death, but lbr he also knows it’s more about the fact that he is going to have to be the one to carry that weight on his shoulders. He knows it, just like he knew in 2x02 that when she said she felt like she’d failed everyone, she wasn’t talking about Marco. And so when he says it’s okay, it’s not just ‘it’s okay, you had no choice, the guy had to die’, but ‘it’s okay. I choose to do this, and you don’t need to regret it, because I won’t.’ Ugggggghhhhhh. Honestly i cannot wait for their next scene together, because the way they look at each other after being even more deeply connected in this way is going to be A Lot. (And considering how intensely they already look at each other, I’m probably not going to survive this. Ah well, at least I'll die happy lol) 

Ok gotta say I’m definitely noticing a change in Garrett this season. I think it’s partly bc his dog-with-a-bone attitude isn’t being directed at Arman so much anymore, now that he’s caught up with getting Maya free of Cortez– he really does seem to care about Maya, and though he was blowing up thony’s phone with calls, he was begging for her to hand over the cloned phone rather than threatening her. I think he resorted to the threats last ep because he had to, but never had the intention of following through or continuing to make her work for him; it’s clear he has a soft spot for Thony and wants to help her when he can, and I liked that he actually showed genuine appreciation for her help, and that he agreed that it was a one-time thing– that she had done her part and he wouldn’t demand any more of her. At this stage it probably seems to him there's nothing else she could do anyway, though if he finds out she's connected to RK, that will almost certainly change… I also appreciated that when Fi called for Thony to help with the pregnant lady, he immediately checked if they needed extra help. And oh man I think I'm actually developing a weird grudging almost-fondness for him a little bit?? Like he's still an absolute jackass, but he's our jackass??  Tbh this must be how Russo feels lol

Wow Robert is clearly really enjoying having Nadia around haha. Can’t say I blame him, and tbh the ‘why are you asking me, I’m not your boss’ line was actually pretty good lol. (I feel like I need to add in a permanent disclaimer here: I still hate him and tbh hope he dies by the end of the season kill him Thony but his scenes with Nadia so far are not bad to watch). I can’t be bothered to say anything more about this scene– this is already so long, and I’m gonna talk more about these two in an Ask shortly– but basically I’m glad to see them getting closer, because it’s exactly what the season needs.

Ugh I have listened to this song (Mother, by Byland) so many times, and the vibes it gives about this show are so good. I liked the juxtaposition of Thony bringing a life into the world at the same time Arman was taking one out of it– it shows how they complement each other, how they fit together, ying-yang wise.  (Though dude it has to have been at least ten years since Thony delivered a baby, which is about the same as it has been for me, so damn I respect her doing that on her own without freaking out lol). Also I had a little giggle at Chris holding the baby– like oh ok sure, poor traumatised boy experiences the miracle of life and suddenly feels better. Congrats. I do hope the show won’t just have him be totally fine now– what he went through was huge and seeing the wrinkly little face of a fresh human is definitely not enough to erase that. But I guess we’ll see.

But anyway, I gotta say I respect MMM for just accepting his fate and not trying to yell or run. Sorry it had to be this way buddy, but you really did fuck up in threatening these two women specifically. Arman hesitating to shoot broke my heart a little; he really is a good man, and killing someone in self defense (eg Hayak, bald guy) is very different from an execution-style murder. I think it’s especially hard for him now because since knowing Thony, he has become more and more aware of that darker side of himself, and how much he hates it and wants to be better. But tonight at least, it’s that darkness that will keep Thony safe; left alive, this man will always be a threat to her, which is something Arman simply cannot allow. And it’s because of that– because of her– that he has the strength to pull the trigger. 

Okay jesus there we go. Almost 7k words later and I’m free of this episode haha. Like I said at the start (if any of you can even remember back that far) I am going to try and tone these down again from now on, but if y’all decide not to continue subjecting yourselves to these, I completely understand haha. But for any of you crazy masochists out there who want to continue– I’ll see you next week lol

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

Hey !! How r you ? Hope you are well , i recently cMe across imlie show which is also produced by gul khan , the character of aryan singh rathore is very very similar to arnav singh raizada .. have u watched imlie ?

Hello Anon!

Yes I'm doing well thank you. I hope you're well too :)

Yes I have been watching Imlie (I was invested in the friendship between Aryan and Imlie, not this forced marriage thing) and according to me, I do not think Aryan and Arnav share any similarities!

I think anytime Aryan's character falters in the show is when they try to force him into Arnav's shoes - otherwise independently he's an extremely charming character.

Warning, the following is my interpretation which can definitely be different per person!

Here are the similarities between Aryan and Arnav:

- Both saw the death of a family member that left them traumatized.

- Both are successful.

- They have a Singh for a middle name.

- Both are extremely possessive and soft for their families.

- Both have the same initials.

- Both are really good at sniffing out malicious people. I will forgive Arnav for not understanding Shyam because Shyam was in Arnav's blindspot. Otherwise both Arnav and Aryan are really well aware of the world.

- They're introverts who are a little constipated in expressing their feelings.

- Both are obsessed with sunglass waala entry. I don't think you can be a 4lions hero if you don't have a sunglass. That's why Haider was in a webshow - he didn't have a sunglass so he wasn't promoted to a tv show.

Now here are the differences between Aryan and Arnav:

- Arnav was traumatized as a child and has shaped his whole life in response to trauma. He suffers from PTSD and hasn't dealt with it at all. Aryan had a relatively sweeter life and was traumatized at 23 seeing his jijaji being burned alive due to misinformation.

Although their traumas stem from family death, the impact of it on their psyches are incredibly different different because Arnav was a child seeing his parents commit suicide and Aryan, a fully grown adult, saw an unfortunate event where he could not help. Aryan suffers from the guilt of not being able to help despite being old enough - which is why he does everything in his power to help Imlie without having any kind of relationship to her. Aryan's mantra is to not let anyone else suffer at the hands of Aditya like his dear brother in law. I swear Aryan would've helped Malini if he was early in the show and learned Malini was the second wife of a very married Aditya. Arnav hopes to never be duped like his mother nor ever end up his like his father. He suffers from the fear of abandonment where one might leave him (by dying or by cheating on him). He hates marriages because of what his parents died. His whole life, worldview and decisions have been damaged by the double suicides.

- Arnav paints the whole world in the light of the actions of his father and uncle. Aryan does not - he knows people are different and his grudge only extends to Aditya, not even Aditya's family.

- Arnav is impulsive. Aryan is cold, calm, calculative. Arnav literally acts before he thinks, Aryan always thinks before he acts.

- Arnav's emotions are often misdirected, his anger is dealt with projection. Aryan's emotions are rarely misdirected.

- Arnav is slightly immature and will not accept the truth if it hurts his ego (unless the disbelief of the truth hurts something more - for example at the guesthouse his ego was of no importance, Khushi was in danger! But otherwise despite contrary evidence he has rarely apologized to Khushi or expressed regret over his actions). Aryan, on the other hand, is extremely mature for his age.

- Arnav has the most difficult time understanding Khushi and her point of view. Her rationale needs to match his for it to make sense to him. Aryan rarely misunderstands Imlie. He understands that as a teenager and someone who's had to work hard to gain acceptance and love, there's a naivety in her rationale and tries to guide her through it and build her esteem.

- Arnav sees Khushi as his equal. Aryan often sees himself as Imlie's mentor. When Khushi/Arnav is in trouble, they work as a team. When Aryan/Imlie are in trouble, he often guides her out of trouble or helps in bettering her plans. More than once Aryan attempts to impart wisdom to Imlie and make her understand that she isn't responsible for the wellbeing of a 35 years old man.

- Sexual attraction plays a key role in Arnav-Khushi's relationship.

Platonic trust plays a key role in Aryan-Imlie's relationship.

- Arnav is afraid of the intensity of his emotions for Khushi. Aryan isn't - he's almost always comfortable for what he feels for Imlie, he has a bit stiffness when he realises his emotions are turning romantic but even then he's not going through an earth shattering storm that Arnav goes through when he realises his attraction to Khushi means more than what he thought.

- Aryan is a feminist - he's concerned about Imlie's career without any romantic connection to her. He believes in equal rights for everyone regardless of anything. Arnav isn't - he's a liberal who believes each should have their independent lives and hates archaic traditions that makes his life difficult. He wants Khushi to have financial independence out of practicality, and honestly he's comfortable in the way his traditional house runs as long as it doesn't interfere his life.

- Aryan believes intentions matter more than consequences. Arnav believes consequences matters more than intentions. Which is why Aryan is lot more kinder to whatever Imlie does and how he justifies the way he forced her into marriage (apparently protecting her from Adtiya's clingy nature is more important to him than the fact he violated the trust of a friend for which Imlie might be more traumatized), and why Arnav usually has a lot of things under his control and rightly never trusts Shyam and has his doubts on his Dadi's intentions when she arrives home.

- Arnav never denies he's been brutal to Khushi. Neither does Arnav ever admit to being a nice guy in general. He knows he's not - it's how he easily deals with the brutal world. He doesn't openly admit it, but he does not see himself as being good because he has better intentions or never crossed a line in his and Khushi's marriage or because he loves Khushi intensely. For him what matters is he loves Khushi and she loves him and that love is honest and real. Aryan think he's a good person. He refuses to be called as a monster even if his actions are hurting people around him, he refuses to see his actions beyond his intentions and gets hurt when Imlie accuses him of being monstrous. He does not realise that by forcing this marriage on Imlie, he has incited true fear and disgust in her. He somehow believes she will still have the trust she had in him two days ago. I couldn't help but roll my eyes when he insinuated not being a monster because he's not going to sleep in the same bed as her - she literally does not know why you forcefully married her!

- Arnav never breaks his word. The world might shake but he'll never change a word nor break it. Aryan breaks his word as and when convenient. He does not break trust, but his promises come with a loophole.

- Aryan believes in the greater good. Arnav believes in present repercussions.

Aryan falters as a character when he's forced into being ASR, otherwise he's an amazingly complex character on his own. He and Imlie stand out for their own story. If anything, the creators of Imlie should continue the story keeping the characters in mind, not of the events that became famous with ArShi!

Because Aryan literally arrives in Imlie's life as a savior. He saves her more than she saves him.

But in IPK, Khushi and Arnav both save each other a little bit. He gives her an environment to be truly loved regardless and she brings him into light. Theirs was a fateful, star crossed tragedy that ended with a happily ever after. Newer shows should stick to their new materials and tropes that match the new story!

So I sincerely hope we go back to seeing friendship and humor in Imlie cause I was there for that! Not angst. Imlie is 19, she shouldn't be going through two marriage with two older men against her will - neither one of whom she was in love with! It's heartbreaking cause one was the village forcing her and the other was this one man she truly trusted as her best friend to even live in his house. Ugh. I hate this cause a week ago we heard the female version of Jaaniya and I squealed in happiness when Imlie saw Aryan recover and pulled his cheek - relief spilling as tears in her eyes on seeing him safe. Like I literally saw the beginning of love there... I swear the whole reel of those two laughing and swaying softly to Chaap Tilak has my whole heart. I don't need angst in this story, I need trust!

The best angst in this story was Aryan falling for Imlie, a young woman who chooses to never love given her bitter past, and the complexities of it considering she trusts him more than any she loves and he knows his role in her life is of one as a mentor. So where does love fit here? A love he can't deny! A softness he can't help but develop! Ugh.

Rant over! Lol. Bye bye and thanks for asking,

- JWB

P.S: The awesome Imlie gifs are made by @aye-masakalii - ugh amazing!!!

[tyrannuspitch]

Jumping off @kidrat​ ’s recent post on JKR, British transphobia, and transphobia against transmasculine people, after getting a bit carried away and too long to add as a comment:

A major, relatively undiscussed event in JKR’s descent into full terfery was this tweet:

[image id: a screenshot of a tweet from JK Rowling reading: “’People who menstruate.’ I’m sure there used to be a word for those people. Someone help me out. Wumben? Wimpund? Woomud?”

Rowling attaches a link to an article titled: “Opinion: Creating a more equal post-COVID-19 world for people who menstruate” /end id]

This can seem like a pretty mundane TERF talking point, just quibbling over language for the sake of it, but I think it’s worth discussing, especially in combination with the idea that cis women like JKR see transmasculine transition as a threat to their womanhood. (Recite it with horror: ”If I were young now, I might’ve transitioned...”)

A lot of people, pro- or anti-transphobe, will make this discussion about whether the term “woman” should include trans women or not, and how cis women are hostile to the inclusion of trans women. And that’s absolutely true. But the actual language cis women target is very frequently being changed for the benefit of trans men, not trans women, and most of them know this.

Cis people are used to having their identities constantly reaffirmed and grounded in their bodies. A lot of cis women, specifically, understand their social and physical identities as women as being defined by pain: misogynistic oppression is equated to the pains of menstruation or childbirth, and both are seen as the domain of cis women. They’re something cis women can bond over and build a “sisterhood” around, and the more socially aware among them can recognise that cis women’s pain being taken less seriously by medicine is not unrelated to their oppression. However, in the absence of any trans perspectives, these conversations can also easily become very territorial and very bioessentialist.

Therefore... for many cis women, seeing “female bodies” described in gender neutral language feels like stripping their pain of its meaning, and they can become very defensive and angry.

And the consequences for transmasculine people can be extremely dangerous.

Not only do transmasculine people have an equal right to cis women to define our bodies as our own... Using inclusive language in healthcare is about more than just emotional validation.

The status quo in healthcare is already non-inclusive. When seeking medical help, trans people can expect to be misgendered and to have to explain how our bodies work to the doctors. We risk harassment, pressure to detransition, pressure to sterilise ourselves, or just being outright turned away. And the conversation around pregnancy and abortion in particular is heaving with cisnormativity - both feminist and anti-feminist cis women constantly talk about pregnancy as a quintessentially female experience which men could never understand.

Using gender-neutral language is the most basic step possible to try and make transmasculine people safer in healthcare, by removing the idea that these are “women’s spaces”, that men needing these services is impossible, and that safety depends on ideas like “we’re all women here”. Not institutionally subjecting us to misgendering and removing the excuse to outright deny us treatment is, again, one of the most basic steps that can be taken. It doesn’t mean we’re allowed comfort, dignity or full autonomy, just that one major threat is being addressed. The backlash against this from cis women is defending their poorly developed senses of self... at the cost of most basic dignity and safety for transmasculine people.

Ironically, though transphobic cis women feel like decoupling “women’s experiences” from womanhood is decoupling them from gendered oppression, transmasculine people experience even more marginalisation than cis women. Our rates of suicide and assault are even higher. Our health is even less researched than cis women’s. Our bodies are even more strictly controlled. Cis women wanting to define our bodies on their terms is a significant part of that. They hold the things we need hostage as “women’s rights”, “women’s health”, “women’s discussions” and “support for violence against women”, and demand we (re-)closet ourselves or lose all of their solidarity.

Fundamentally, the problem is that transphobic cis women are possessive over their experiences and anyone who shares them. Because of their binary understanding of gender, they’re uncomfortable with another group sharing many of their experiences but defining themselves differently. They’re uncomfortable with transmasculine people identifying “with the enemy” instead of “with their sisters”, and they’re even more uncomfortable with the idea that there are men in the world who they oppress, and not the other way around. “Oppression is for women; you can’t call yourself a man and still claim women’s experiences. Pregnancy is for women; if you want to be a man so badly why haven’t already you done something about having a woman’s body? How dare you abandon the sisterhood while inhabiting one of our bodies?”

Which brings me back to the TERF line about how “If I were young now, I might have transitioned.”

I’m not saying Rowling doesn’t actually feel any personal connection to that narrative - but it is a standard line, and it’s standard for a reason. Transphobic cis women really believe that there is nothing trans men go through that cis women don’t. They equate our dysphoria to internalised misogyny, eating disorders, sexual abuse or other things they see as “female trauma”. They equate our desire to transition to a desire to escape. They want to “help us accept ourselves” and “save us” from threats to their sense of identity. The fact is, this is all projection. They refuse to consider that we really have a different internal experience from them.

There’s also a marked tendency among less overtly transphobic cis women, even self-proclaimed trans allies, to make transphobia towards trans men about cis women.

Violence against trans men is chronically misreported and redefined as “violence against women”. In activist spaces, we’re frequently told that any trauma we have with misogyny is “misdirected” and therefore “not really about us”. If we were women, we would’ve been “experiencing misogyny”, but men can’t do that, so we should shut up and stop “talking over women”. (Despite the surface difference of whether they claim to affirm our gender, this is extremely similar to how TERFs tell us that everything we experience is “just misogyny”, but that transmasculine identity is a delusion that strips us of the ability to understand gender or the right to talk about it.)

I have personally witnessed an actual N*zi writing an article about how trans men are “destroying the white race” by transitioning and therefore becoming unfit to carry children, and because the N*zi had misgendered trans men in his article, every response I saw to it was about “men controlling women’s bodies”.

All a transphobe has to do is misgender us, and the conversation about our own oppression is once again about someone else.

Transphobes will misgender us as a form of violence, and cis feminist “allies” will perpetuate our misgendering for rhetorical convenience. Yes, there is room to analyse how trans men are treated by people who see us as women - but applying a simple “men oppressing women” dynamic that erases our maleness while refusing to even name transphobia or cissexism is not that. Trans men’s oppression is not identical to cis women’s, and forcing us to articulate it in ways that would include cis women in it means we cannot discuss the differences.

It may seem like I’ve strayed a long way from the original topic, and I kind of have, but the central reason for all of these things is the same:

Trans men challenge cis women’s self-concept. We force them to actually consider what manhood and womanhood are and to re-analyse their relationship to oppression, beyond a simple binary patriarchy. 

TERFs will tell you themselves that the acknowledgement of trans people, including trans men, is an “existential threat” that is “erasing womanhood” - not just our own, but cis women’s too. They hate the idea that biology doesn’t determine gender, and that gender does not have a strict binary relationship to oppression. They’re resentful of the idea that they could just “become men”, threatened by the assertion that doing so is not an escape, and completely indignant at the idea that their cis womanhood could give them any kind of power. They are, fundamentally, desperate not to have to face the questions we force them to consider, so they erase us, deflect from us, and talk over us at every opportunity.

Trans men are constantly redefined against our wills for the benefit of cis womanhood.

TL;DR:

Cis women find transmasculine identity threatening, because we share experiences that they see as foundational to their womanhood

The fact that transphobes target inclusive language in healthcare specifically is not a mistake - They do not want us to be able to transition safely

Cis women are uncomfortable acknowledging transphobia, so they make discussion of trans men’s oppression about “womanhood” instead

This can manifest as fully denying that trans men experience our own oppression, or as pretending trans men’s experiences are identical to cis women’s in every way

[anywherebuthere]

let's have a discussion about trauma dumping and why it is not okay.

to preface:

Initially, I had wanted to make this post purely informational and remain vague as to why I was posting this. However, as the situation progressed and some of my mutuals began kind of talking about it, I felt it was important to be honest; yes this is regarding a situation of trauma dumping in which many creators were tagged repeatedly by someone they weren't even familiar with, expecting sympathy and a response from them.

I had hesitated to mention this because I didn't want it to seem that I was belittling mental health issues, especially as someone who has dealt with similar things as this person was claiming. But my belief in their situation continued to drop as they kept posting harmful content, so I no longer feel I am stepping out of line by saying this.

Warnings: in depth discussion about trauma, mention of triggers, manipulation and mental health

If this is too long to read, there is a summary at the end with the key points and takeaway from this post.

what is trauma dumping and why is it different from venting?

While there is no relative definition, it can be classified as the literal act of someone laying all their trauma on you non-consensually. A great example of this that I'm sure a lot of people have seen is anons who treat creators' blogs as their diary and send unsolicited paragraphs about their trauma. Usually it lacks the consent of the creator and trigger warnings despite going extensively into very harmful topics.

But what is the difference between this and venting? Aren't people allowed to vent about what they're going through without fear of judgement?

The main difference is that venting is a healthy coping mechanism that done consensually by both parties. Going into a stranger's inbox to lay your unasked for life story before them with the expectation of some kind of sympathetic response is not venting.

the necessity of trigger warnings:

With the case of virtual interactions, there also comes the issue of trigger warnings and why it is they are so important. When you are facilitating an online interaction, you have no way of knowing what may be harmful for others to read about, especially if it is being posted publicly.

With that in mind, you have a responsibility to be courteous and maintain a safe environment for those who may see what you write. This means including trigger warnings in both the beginning and in the tags.

the expectation of sympathy and treating others like your therapist:

In an online environment, when you are making the conscious choice to speak about your struggles, you have to do so without the expectation of attention and sympathy. When you are making posts upon posts about your trauma and tagging mutuals only to proceed to get angry when they do not respond to your liking, that is manipulative and disgusting.

What you are doing is explicitly putting others who barely know you in a compromising position in which they feel obligated to respond. You are manipulating a situation to garner sympathy and holding others responsible for your own problems.

Guess what? People are not your therapist. They have their own lives and you are not entitled to their time, especially when your pattern of behavior suggests that what you're saying isn't even true. Regardless, we have a right to put ourselves and our safety first and you are not owed a response.

how this plays into adult minor relations:

As always, it is important to acknowledge how it plays into adult minor relations. If you are an adult, you have to be careful in the way you interact with minors, ensuring that it is in no way harmful to their health.

There is an all too common theme of adults treating literally children as their therapist and stepping ground. This is often because minors are more vulnerable and easy to take advantage of. We don't all necessarily have to guts to speak up against an adult or set boundaries.

This can lead to a very parasitic relationship in which the minor is emotionally drained and forced into a position in which they feel obligated to care and be there for someone. And while this can happen to anyone, the power dynamic between an adult and a child puts them at a much greater risk.

too long; didn't read/conclusion:

Stop trauma dumping on minors.

Stop trauma dumping on others period.

Stop treating people's inbox as a playground for your unsolicited and triggering stories.

Stop creating situations as a way to garner sympathy and interaction; tagging all your mutuals about your trauma so they feel obligated to respond is manipulative.

People do not owe you a response because they are not your therapist and have a right to put their mental health FIRST.

[meibemeibelline]

vongola-shimon parallels and contrasts: another midnight rambling

i was inspired by this comparison of the vongola and shimon kids and i wanted to try my own :)

Tsuna & Enma: kind-hearted boys who are awkward and clumsy and love and cherish their friends above ALL ELSE. but Enma tragically lost his family and was surrounded by the idea of vengeance and as a result, takes his position as Shimon boss more seriously and is more willing to take up the responsibility because he and his family are bonded by shared loss and trauma. Tsuna, on the other hand, is fully bent on running away from it because it scares him and he wants to be a normal kid. in terms of personality i think Enma is a little bit more of a pushover and has a willingness to help strangers while Tsuna can be snappy, has the world’s sharpest bullshit detector, and especially early on, wanted to avoid everyone and everything that was the least bit sus.

Gokudera & Shitt P: complete opposites in terms of self-love* and love for others. a huge part of Gokudera’s character development is learning to be an actual friend (as opposed to a mafioso) and to VALUE his own life as a friend to others and as a person who is allowed to live a happy life surrounded by people he loves. Shitt P on the other hand already loves herself above everyone else, while her relationships with others are secondary. The reasons she lost to Gokudera was bc she underestimated 1) his loyalty to Tsuna and 2) his drive to improve himself (out of self-criticism, contrasting with Shitt P’s self-love that may have made her stagnant and complacent with her current state). She assumed she knew him better than he knew himself.

HOWEVER, what they do share is a past of being rejected by others. It seems that Gokudera responded to rejection by continuously trying to find people to swear loyalty to and follow (all the while devaluing himself and considering himself a tool, being reckless, etc), while Shitt P was basically like “fuck all of em. i only need me”.

*self-love as written about by Amano in their fight refers to whether you can look at yourself from the outside and make an evaluation that you like yourself. that you love your body, that you are smart, confident, strong, etc. i say this because even though Gokudera’s thing is that he ‘doesn’t like himself’ (i.e doesn’t consider himself very strong or smart, which allowed him to see what more he has to improve on), i personally see his character arc as one of self-love in terms of taking care of yourself and valuing your life, but it’s different from what Shitt P considers self-love. Gokudera’s self-love is never explicitly called ‘self-love’, even if it is self-love.

(it got long so i’m putting the rest under a read more)

Yamamoto and Kaoru: What they share is a total acceptance of when they need to use violence. We know Kaoru really, really liked Yamamoto - he openly sobbed as he apologised for hurting him once he found out Daemon had manipulated them, meaning that he never really wanted to hurt him at all. But when it had happened, he very quickly put his personal feelings aside for the sake of the Shimon Family’s mission. And it was in a very, VERY similar way that Yamamoto decided he needed to kill Daemon Spade when he learned what exactly he’d done to the Shimon Family throughout history, when in Choice Arc he literally had a speech about how there was no need to kill anyone (specifically Genkishi) - they were just trying to win the game and go home. Like, the boy has (relative) morals and doesn’t WANT to kill when he doesn’t have to (but will have 0 qualms about it if he does).

Where they differ, of course, is that Yamamoto is confident, outgoing and approachable while Kaoru is very intimidating on the outside but a huge shy softie on the inside. What I loved about Kaoru’s chapter before the ceremony was how he brought out Yamamoto’s nurturing sensitivities. SUPER CUTE.

Ryohei and Koyou: They’re both dumbass boxers. Okay now that we’ve gotten that out of the way WHEEZE (i’m kidding) Koyou is a self-aware and snarky dumbass while Ryohei is a “dive head first into chaos, worry about consequences later” pure-hearted dumbass. And again, that may be from the violence Koyou had to live through as an orphan with a bunch of other orphans. They both love fighting and taking out their shit through sport, and pride themselves on boxing for their families. Honestly, maybe it’s because it’s like 1am but I can’t think of any other differences between them but that’s exactly why they understand each other so well AND why they butt heads so much - THERE’S ONLY ENOUGH ROOM FOR ONE DUMBASS IN THIS ROOM.

Lambo and Rauji: Also opposites. (Child) Lambo on the outside is very domineering and loud, always declaring himself king and that he’s gonna kill Reborn and is running around messing with people. On the inside, he’s...literally just a child. He cries when he trips and when he is ignored. He probably tries to compensate for that inner weakness with his behaviour by demanding attention and being loud tbh. Because of that, his teen self is much more CHILL, and perhaps a little self-deprecating because he’s accepting that yeah, he cries a lot and hates getting hurt and is a bit weak and he’s fine with that bc who can blame him, really. Fighting is hard. Rauji on the other hand seems like a pushover and is willing to be Lambo’s servant and play all his games (even at 3am bc of Lambo’s misunderstanding), but is actually very confident and prideful of his strength - he just doesn’t feel the need to show it to other people all the time. He’s a bit like Shitt P in that way - accepting of himself and doesn’t need other people’s approval, unlike Lambo. But they both seem to be children at heart who love to play.

Hibari and Adelheid: Their similarities are that they are strong leaders who value order and discipline, and are willing to achieve their goals by instilling fear and using physical violence. Adel seems to do it more out of necessity, while Hibari just...loves power (yes I know it’s about his love for the town). SPEAKING OF LOVE, Adel does what she does out of love for the Shimon, while Hibari is motivated by his love for Namimori. Because Adel’s core motivation is a family and not a place, she is the heart of Shimon (Daemon’s words) that brought everyone together and leads them through battle. She has very strong connections with everyone while Hibari’s whole thing is that he’s aloof and simply decides to help the family with a common goal whenever he wants, and is not ever completely tied to them as a guardian. Because Hibari is tied to Namimori and answers to no one, he acts completely out of self-interest, but Adel is thinking about what’s best for the whole of the Shimon Family.

Mukuro & Chrome and Julie & Daemon: THIS ONE’S A DOOZY BC WE DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT JULIE EXCEPT THAT HE’S A FLIRT SO I’LL TALK ABOUT DAEMON INSTEAD AS THE ARC’S ANTAGONIST?? Daemon differs from Mukuro in that he seeks to dominate the mafia with a ruthless Vongola while Mukuro seeks to destroy the mafia. this meta post about Mukuro made EXCELLENT points about how he’s always been a guardian to the Kokuyo Gang and valued their free will even when he literally possesses their bodies and they are his ‘henchmen’. and that contrasts with Daemon in that Giotto, Shimon Cozart, Enma’s family and the 10th gen Shimon kids are all truly nothing but pawns to him. he does not protect them in any way or value their free-will, in the way he possesses and impersonates Julie (and later Mukuro’s), manipulates the entire 10th gen of Shimon kids, killed Enma’s family to set up his murderous revenge arc (and probably all their families tbh) and tried to kill Cozart because he made Giotto soft, ALL OF THAT for his own goal to build a violent and ruthless Vongola because he uhh misunderstood his gf’s last words (sorry Elena) and couldn’t grieve in a healthy way.

the summary of the Chrome-Daemon contrast is that Chrome isn’t a manipulative asshole. idk. her character arc is about growing into her own power to become more independent and building strong relationships with others as a child who was severely neglected. and the way Daemon treated her that whole arc was dehumanising to a completely new level and it was all because he wanted to get to Mukuro which, interestingly is the crux of both of their characters and arc - free will and independence, as a way of empowering yourself after you are dehumanised by others. i don’t have the time or brain cells to get into it rn but i will just....LEAVE THAT THERE. it just...ig CONTEXTUALISES some of Chrome decisions in curse of the rainbow arc a little more. but that’s more about how did Daemon as a villain impact Chrome’s character arc and her role in the plot than how Daemon and Chrome are similar/different.

i’m honestly not entirely sure about Chrome and Julie...all i can think of is that Chrome is very shy and finds social interactions quite difficult (but is more outspoken and confident post-future arc), while Daemon!Julie tries to flirt with her (and Julie himself likes to chat up and flirt with girls). Daemon!Julie tried to come off as laidback and uncaring about his responsibilities as a guardian, but Adel’s flashbacks reveal that deep-down he’s a sincere person who truly does care about everyone in his own way, and he is like Chrome in that sense. Chrome has always been a caring person (her entire backstory is that she almost died trying to save a stray cat) and has some very, very deep feelings for the people around her that she doesn’t always express.

Julie also seems like a rather crass person while Mukuro is not. Mukuro speaks vaguely and likes to play mind games. you know what they both ARE though? TEAM DAD. Julie scolded Skull for not eating the food Adel made for him while Mukuro is leader of Kokuyo Gang and adopts Fran...so...yeah.

[ghostietea]

Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

[travoltacustom]

The Presentation of Hifumi’s Trauma

I’ve been thinking on how Hifumi’s trauma has been presented for years now, and with the release of Bad Ass Temple VS Matenro, I feel like now’s as good a time as any to give my thoughts on this.

Note: This is in no way a defense of KR for the presentation of Hifumi’s trauma, but it is an analysis of such. I’m open to discussion on this and you’re free to disagree with me at any point on this. Most of this was also written BEFORE the release of the album, save for the last section.

CW: Mentions of abuse, trauma and rape + spoilers of the MTR dramatrack

I hear a lot that the presentation of Hifumi’s trauma is a ‘poor attempt at humour’, but I don’t exactly think it’s that simple. It is still a presentation of trauma, but it’s not portrayed as humorous in comparison to the rest of the humour of the series.

NARRATIVE

Hifumi panics when he sees women. He is unable to do anything until women are removed from the scene - but these instances are hardly ever the focus of the scene. It’s mostly used as a scene cutter to progress the story. When Chuo enters, Hifumi’s panic cuts off the situation and the focus shifts straight to the women. When the women find Hifumi, Doppo, Gentaro and Dice, Hifumi’s jacket is taken away to shift focus off of the women and to have Gentaro and Dice speak. Rather, Hifumi’s panic at these times are plot movers and not the focal point of the scene. Sadly, they can be seen as plot devices, but it’s not supposed to be seen as humour.

In addition to this, the ‘hysterical’ screaming (for lack of a better word) in the presence of women is limited to the dramatracks. In the manga and the anime, Hifumi runs away/removes himself from the presence of women. The purpose of Hifumi’s hysteria in the dramatracks is for visualisation purposes as there’s no visual aids - the reactions to women are toned down in the anime and manga. With this, it’s easier to believe that the anime and manga is the ‘intended’ portrayal of his reactions as the dramatrack has to make up for what isn’t seen.

PRESENTATION

The narrative is very aware that Hifumi’s trauma affects him badly. It’s a panic response. But it’s not the same as a panic attack. We know how awful the presentation of such can be, and it’s definitely something triggering for a lot of people. Personally, I would feel horrible to see him have a panic attack every time he saw a woman. KR doesn’t want to make his discomfort the focus of the scene either. Simply put, I think his trauma response is a part of the scene, but has less plot purpose than what is going on around it. 

Trauma can be presented in different ways, but it’s more controlled to see only a glimpse of how trauma has affected Hifumi. There are other ways of showing this trauma and how it’s affected Hifumi that HPMI has already covered: Hifumi being unable to take off his suit jacket, behavioural change when wearing the jacket, his extremely warped perception of danger when his life is threatened etc. He’s spent 10 years adapting to the trauma and is in a stage of recovery as he’s going to confront his said abuser. If we were compounding this plot point with an idea of a Hifumi that is always having panic attacks, then we would have a Hifumi that is clearly not ready to deal with what he wants.

COMPARISON

We know the writers can portray trauma as such from Jyushi’s backstory. If we remember the fandom response, there were people who were legitimately triggered to varying degrees by what happened to Jyushi’s grandmother and the severe bullying he suffered. Really, I believe that Hifumi’s trauma hasn’t been the forefront of scenes because narratively it’s not the time for this to happen yet.

There seems to be a ‘trauma-porn’ narrative around the need to have Hifumi’s trauma played out ‘correctly. Trauma porn is media that showcases a group’s pain and trauma in excessive amounts for the sake of entertainment. There’s no need right now to show the extent of how badly Hifumi has been affected, because his trauma isn’t the focal point of the story or his character. His past is about to be shown, but it shouldn’t be what defines Hifumi as a character. And even more importantly so, there’s no ‘right’ version of trauma to portray.

HONOBONO

[ This section is written post Bad Ass Temple VS Matenro’s dramatrack.]

There are no redeeming qualities to Honobono, the source of Hifumi’s trauma. She’s despised by Chuohku and kept around for her ‘usefulness’, and Doppo was unsure of Hifumi going to confront his own abuser. However, in the recent dramatrack, Hifumi’s power is taken away from him in Honobono forcing herself into his space. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Hifumi have an explosion of emotions; ‘a typical image of a panic attack’. It is an audibly uncomfortable scene, just as Jyushi’s backstory was to read. There are different levels to trauma responses that HPMI has shown us with the 1st season’s Hifumi with short moments, but this instance is long and drawn out with guttural screaming.

HPMI was always perfectly capable of showing trauma, but for a listener, to hear this sort of occurrence every time around a woman would be potentially harmful. At this moment, Hifumi was nearly completely paralysed, suffering a breakdown of his identity by switching pronouns and screaming (similar to Gentaro’s breakdown at the insult of his clothes). It is difficult to listen to this. I don’t believe you would’ve wanted to hear this every time Hifumi was reminded of Honobono. We’ve even learned that the abuse might not have been dealt directly to Hifumi but to his family - we see Hifumi’s love for his family here in being so torn by her actions, and how trauma does not have to deal with someone directly either.  However, the first instances of Hifumi’s trauma were more ‘digestible’ for a viewer, and they set us up for this moment. It was good that Hifumi’s panic responses were less heavy than the blow we’ve been dealt with this dramatrack.

In meeting Hifumi, Honobono greets her with “Hi-Fu-Mi”, just like how Hifumi says his own name in songs. It is most likely that Honobono said his name like this when they were in highschool; for Hifumi to use it in his songs now can be seen as a reclamation of his identity, as now Honobono can’t use his own name against him. Hifumi has spent years recovering from her, and seeing small hints of how he’s trying to move on from that time is a legitimately good way to understand the recovery from trauma.

WHAT IS IT?

The HPMI fandom seemed to have an ‘obsession’ with what exactly traumatised Hifumi up until this point. Most believed that it would have been sexual abuse/rape, given that he fears the opposite gender, and it wouldn’t have been the first time sexual themes have appeared in HPMI (the trafficked women at the start of BB/MTC’s manga). However, to think that ‘there is only one sort of trauma that can cause Hifumi’s pain’ is a dangerous idea. Almost anything can be traumatising, and almost anything can be a trigger. 

There’s no need to theorise ‘what is good enough’ to be a trauma for him. To fear women, it can simply be that a woman has done something bad to him - which we see is Honobono. When we hear women fearing men because a man did something bad to them, we don’t theorise what exactly happened to her. There’s the automatic assumption that gendered fear is the result of sexual abuse, when in reality, it can be any manner of abuse that has caused this.

OPINIONS

So I don’t think KR is portraying Hifumi’s trauma as humorous. It’s definitely awkward, but the narrative has constantly made it clear that he’s in a state of discomfort that stems from trauma and Doppo and Jakurai always do their best to move him out of those situations without drawing too much attention. Nobody in the story laughs at him, save for Asunaro, who’s an ill-mannered child without sensitivity towards both Doppo and Hifumi, and Honobono, the source of his trauma. Those who don’t understand Hifumi in the adult cast however only find confusion in him. 

There’s no ‘best’ portrayal of trauma in any media. But it’s clear that HPMI isn’t trying to be malicious or poke fun at any sort of trauma at all. If anything, I think the portrayal of it so far has been relatively ‘easy’ on common audiences that don’t explore such media, helping people to realise how trauma can manifest without forcing others who do have trauma to realise their pained experience in this media. Hifumi has been painted as someone relatable to those with trauma because he’s still a man who’s capable of doing his best while still stumbling along his way to recovery. Traumatised shouldn’t be the descriptor of Hifumi, but he is a character that has been traumatised.

While Honobono and her abuse is an integral part of Hifumi’s backstory, she does not define him as a person. To portray Hifumi as a strong character, despite moments of trauma responses, was a suitable choice in treating him respectably. 

[acidmanticore]

I'm back to 26-27 ep drama.

It's interesting how differently they react to this kind of trauma.

Usually Sentry is the mom friend who helps to deal with emotional shit, but it's she, who's gone.

So this role falls to Quill, because Nova and Lucius are kind of kids and Aila can't do emotional support, and he's left alone with everyone - even Aila - freaking out and falling apart. Barely adult himself. After losing not just a friend - a person, who gave him purpose and will to live after he fell.

And this is one, I think, moment of growth that goes overlooked often? Remember, when it all started, he was bitchy about H'esper saving him and dark and not happy about being alive. And later he will tell that his initial thought was just to wander into the forest, sit under the tree and wait for the first beast. And now?

Lucius asks him, how he's doing that, how he can just move on, and Quill says: step by step. Everything is not lost YET. There's a chance. So they need to figure out a plan. And then next plan. And if it fails - another. Everything is shit, so we need to make a first step out of it. And then another one. One leg Infront of the other. And this is how it works.

I wonder, because we didn't see session zero, was it something Sentry told him then? When he didn't want to live?

I'm really surprised I didn't remember it, because this is the way I've learned to deal with the worst situations - just figuring out the first step now and when it's done - time to think about another one. But maybe I don't remember, because when I've watched it first time, I haven't figured it out yet.

Moving to Lucius - he's obviously shocked and just doesn't know what to do, how to feel and react, and both Aila and Quill look terrifyingly fine, and we know our boy has terrible self-worth issues, so he can't talk to them. He asks Quill how he does that, but after getting an answer he can't do the same because it's not how trauma works for him. So he's looking for Nova, because he needs to freak out and he needs someone who will understand, who is as fucked up as he is, and also be wants to be useful. So he goes to her and manages to drag her out of the silent breakdown, and it's good, because screaming and crying is better than this silent half-catatonic state. And by helping her he's actually helping himself, and it's a VERY common thing with immediate trauma response, and emergency/disaster team psychologists, those who come with the rescue teams, know, amongst other things, that to not let witnesses/relatives go into absolute breakdown, they need to be BUSY. Useful. They need a task. Here's a cloth and a bottle of water, help your friend/family member/whoever clean their face and hands. Helloy them drink, hold the bottle. Hold them so they won't fall if they faint.

Nova is "walker". Her response is common and quite dangerous - for herself. Because if there's noone who can distract you and redirect your thoughts, you start overthinking and get to some serious problems, because the longer you think, the less logical your thoughts become and you can't notice it yourself, and you don't have someone who tells you about that in time. Also irl this kind of response needed to be clocked and redirected immediately, because, well.... It's a suicide/killer response. If they think too long, it will be really hard to change their mind about who's fault that thing was, and if they make a decision - it will be nearly impossible to change. You see this quiet breakdown - you shake them, you distract them, you get their emotions out of them, let them scream and cry and listen to them to know how to help next.

And this is actually what Lucius does. Like, boy had the best approach possible, he did everything right, almost by the book.

Aila. Aila actually has response similar to Lucius, but she's not good with emotions, she's more physical, for her it's not helping to deal with emotions, it's helping with actions. I can go hunt, I can find us food and it will be better, I don't know how to deal with it so I might hit couple of trees on the way. She also deals with it by making herself useful.

Also that moment when she starts slightly freaking out and like "oKAy I'm gonna GO HUnT because I don'T KNOW how to deal with emotions, this iS WEIRd" and Quill immediately goes "oh god please no don't leave me to deal with them alone".

Like... In some way Quill is more familiar with serious trauma than all of them. He knows how it feels and he knows now how to deal with it, but it doesn't make it easier, especially when half of your party is having a breakdown and you hope there's one who's stable but they're actually not but you need them to not fall apart yourself, because it's A LOT, and also you're a leader, they've told you that so many times, and Quill is probably feeling responsibility for all of them AND Sentry's death.

We all talk about our baby boy Lucius, because Trott is a drama queen (I love all of it), but if you think how much this journey might've fucked up Quill...

[criminalmutantsins]

My Version of the Hamato Family

Hi everyone! Thank you for reading and liking part one. It made my day!

So, this is where I shine in writing. I love creating characters and their backstory; it’s so fun. I think it is more important to focus on characters than the plot since a character can create the storyline- well at least for me.

I’m excited to share! Hope you enjoy!

Comment your thoughts! It would be cool to read them! 😁

……………………..

 Leonardo:

We’re starting with the usual leader-in-blue!

Although I adore Leo, his “perfect” personality can get a little boring. His versions usually have flaws, though they are the kind that makes you sympathize with him rather than feeling indifferent like with Raph’s anger issues.

Season 1 Leo would be a toned-down Rise Leo. He can be cocky when he succeeds over his brothers and would jokingly comment how he is Splinter’s favorite. However, it doesn’t come without hard work. Leo trains the most out of his brothers and spends most of his time studying fighting techniques. He is not naturally talented in ninjitsu like the past incarnations. Also, Leo’s motivations for training very hard and wanting to be leader is more for himself than anything.

Compared to his brothers, Leo was relatively average. Donnie was extremely smart, Mikey had his kind and joyful soul, and Raph was naturally a great fighter. Leo felt left out and decided that training to be a hero would be his way of standing out. He also believed that being special like his brothers was the only way to get Splinter’s attention; and it kind of worked. With all the progress Leo made, Splinter praised him, and they had a way to connect.

Around the beginning of S1(maybe ep. 5), Leo became the leader though how was different. Instead of Splinter deciding, the brothers did; the explanation was the turtles were a team and should make a consensus as one. This news made Leo ecstatic; he was finally living his dreams. Even so, he didn’t realize the baggage and responsibility a leader had to shoulder. Over the course of the story Leo grows as a great leader and fighter.

The Karai/Leo subplot will follow the 2003 version. He is convinced that Karai is a good person and tries to have her switch sides. There will be romantic feelings but its not the main motivation for both of their actions. I can’t say too much since this plot revolves around Karai more.

   Donatello:

Donnie is a blend of 2003/12 versions. He is intelligent with an extremely high IQ and was a gifted child. However, his intelligence came with a cost; making connections with his brothers and father was really tough for him because of their different interests. This left him withdrawing from everyone and focusing on his inventions. His social skills evolve once the turtles visit the city and meet April. The increasing danger of the Kraang further builds his relationships since communication is important in teamwork, and Donnie’s talent in inventing grew more in the spotlight.

Because of her fascination with Donnie’s smarts and inventions, April and Donnie become good friends as the story continues. Donnie also gets close with April’s best friend, Irma since they are science lovers. At first, Casey irritates him as they have clearly different personality; Casey’s impulsive and extroverted attitude conflicting with Donnie’s plan-based mindset.

Donnie’s love for his family is showcased after witnessing a terrifying, apocalyptic future where his family suffers. Paranoia sets in. His work to calculate the cause of this terrible, and its solution leads Donnie to rarely take care of his needs. He has to learn to trust in others instead of doing things alone.

 Raphael:

Unlike Leo, Raph is instantly gifted in fighting. He has more physical strength than his brothers and would constantly beat them in practice. Since childhood, Raph was Splinter’s “favorite” in the dojo and that definitely got into the red-banded turtle’s head. He would brag to his brothers and jokingly poke fun at their techniques. It wouldn’t affect anyone. Except for Leo.

Raphael’s ego started taking hits once Leo caught up to him and beating him in practice once in a while. It turned into anger after noticing Master Splinter praising Leo more. The tension soured their brotherhood. Unlike most versions, Raph’s anger is fueled by insecurity. He believes that fighting is the only thing he is good at and will get territorial if his spotlight is threatened.

Throughout the story, he learns to move on from his demons and realize his worth.

Family is important to Raph. He can be hard on his brothers yet will do anything to keep them safe, especially Mikey- his positivity must be protected. Casey and Raph become best friends for their similarities and love for fighting- they are impulsive bros.

 Michelangelo:

Mikey’s role is to be the positive and glue of the team. He loves to make people happy and would always do something goofy or kind to do that. His family have nothing bad to say about their youngest member and are very protective of him. The youngest brother doesn’t take ninjitsu as seriously as skateboarding, dancing, or just general fun. Though, he will be serious when the situation calls for it, such as the fate of his family and the world.

Although being an open ear to anyone, Mikey is not open to expressing his negative emotions due to his fear of damaging the family dynamic. It is noticeable when he is upset because he jokes more often and not focus. A lesson he must learn is to accept the good and the bad. Mikey can be reckless, mostly when his brothers rarely let him participate in missions. He wants to prove to his family that he is strong enough to protect himself and others. Reading people is his best skill and takes great pride in it, usually taking on the role of a therapist.

 Splinter/Hamato Yoshi:

I really wanted to take Splinter’s role in the Shredder’s descent to evil in the grayer area. He is usually the victim/innocent party of the story, which can get boring after a while.

Hamato Yoshi was born as the heir to Hamato Clan and childhood best friend of Oroku Saki. The Hamato and Foot clan were allies for centuries and would usually fight by each other’s side. Matters changed when the Foot’s beliefs grew more sinister. This left the Hamato Clan to eradicate their former ally. Splinter saved Saki before he could be killed, though, it came with consequences. Oroku Saki vowed to exact revenge for his fallen home. Growing up, Splinter became one of the strongest martial artists in Japan and married a woman named Tang Shen, later becoming a father to a girl. His world ended once he saw his clan destroyed and his family killed by the renewed Foot Clan.

Yoshi decided to move to New York and forget his old life. Years later, the martial artist noticed strange people caging defenseless animals. He would fight them long enough to protect four humanoid turtles, deciding to keep them after a moment of compassion. Splinter would continuously fight the strange men until a strange liquid turned him into a rat. This turning point banished Splinter and the turtles to the sewers for protection.

Splinter equally loves his sons. He would always make sure to give them equal amounts of love to avoid lasting issues. Though, he has made some mistakes. Emotions were rarely discussed because of Splinter’s unintentionally withdrawn attitude. The rat master wouldn’t instantly notice problems between his sons, and usually didn’t know how to resolve them. No matter what, Splinter is proud of his children and would do anything to keep them safe; sometimes not realizing that it could hurt them.

Hamato Yoshi’s guilt and trauma over the terrible moments in his life would be the main focus of his development.

[linkspooky]

Eren and Historia

Eren and Historia have a connection to one another. No, I don’t think they are romantically connect, nor do I believe they are co-conspirators plotting to destroy the world together. However, the narrative is pushing the idea that Eren and HIstoria are somehow connected and continually pushing them next to each other.  Eren kissing Historia’s ring is the trigger for his vision that commits him to the path of destroying the world. Eren uses Historia as a reason to accelerate his plan. Eren confides his plan solely in Historia. The reason  this line is drawn between the two characters is that they are CHARACTER FOILS. Eren and Historia are two people who seem like opposites but they’re actually incredibly similiar to one another. Almost too similiar to ever et along. The extreme similarities between Eren and Historia, and their character foiling underneath the cut. 

1. Historia’s Regression

So I’ve gotten countless asks on my opinion of Historia’s behavior in the final arc. My opinion is that we’re being shown the result of her regression to her pre-uprising arc self. Is this the best writing choice for Historia’s character? I do not know. There are two schools of literary analysis that boil down to “Is the writing good?” or “what is the author trying to say?” and I much prefer to stick to the latter. I think the text is attempting to portray Historia regressing on her character arc, and as a person to mirror Eren’s own regression. 

Everybody is regressing in the final arc. Armin lets his poor self-esteem sabotage his decision making ability like he did in Trost. Mikasa is struggling to find a way to live without Eren and see herself as a person seperate from Eren because of her codependent nature, once again like Trost. Annie wants to pretend that this all has nothing to do with her, like in the female titan arc. Hange can’t make a decision without Erwin around and wants to leave it all up to him even though he’s literally dead. The characters in the final arc are written as still struggling with what we think they should have gotten over with in earlier arcs. Heck, Jean still beats up Reiner over what happened to Marco.

It’s not because after all this time the characters haven’t progressed in their character arcs at all. It’s because the story structure of Attack on Titan is chiastic. The beginning and the end are written to mirror each other. 

Chiastic structure, or chiastic pattern, is a literary technique in narrative motifs and other textual passages. An example of chiastic structure would be two ideas, A and B, together with variants A' and B', being presented as A,B,B',A'.

Sometimes instead of character development being a straight journey from point A to point B, it’s instead more like a helicopter hovering around the point, continually circling it. The character has brief moments of revelation where you think they’ve had their big change only to regress later. Lemme use this example from Tokyo Ghoul to illustrate my idea. 

A character seems to be progressing, and we believe they are, only to regress in the end. I think narratively there is a very strong reason for Isayama using this style of character development. Every single major character is either a child soldier right now just barely on the cusp of adulthood, or they like Levi were child soldiers at one point or another. The adults, few that they are, are all either cast as incapable of acting as strong decisive role models (Hange) or are killed off eventually (Erwin). 

It’s like what Magath expresses in his final words, these children were never allowed to have a normal life because of him. If the narrative is about the evils of using child soldiers on both sides, both the Scouting Corps and Marleyans, then it would make sense that every single character is portrayed as either a child unable to grow up or an adult that has continually failed them. 

What we are being shown is every major character with an arc struggling with being unable to truly grow past who they were as children. Even when given the oppurtunity to grow, they falter with it, because they are child soldiers stunted by their trauma and that’s not an easy thing to overcome. Rather than a straight line we’re shown a circular process. Gabi and Falco are the only characters being shown with fully straight line arcs, but they are also far simpler than the other characters because they are children, and not stunted adults acting like children. Armin is passive, day dreaming, indecisive like he was when he was a child. Mikasa is overly attached to Eren like she was when she was a child. Heck, even Connie’s major flawed decision this arc is wanting his mother to return. Whcih is a symbol of wanting to return to the safety of childhood that he was suddenly and abruptly cut off from. 

Okay, that was a long tangent but I hope I have made my point on what I mean by regression. Eren and Historia are paralleled with each other because they more than anyone else, are regressing to their childhood selves. Where we see at least hints of progress with other characters (Armin, MIkasa, Jean) indication that they will eventually rise to the responsibility of adulthood we see only stagnation for these two characters. It’s because once again Eren and Historia are incredibly similiar as people. Heck, even the fact that they’re regressing the most is paralleled. The same chapter in which Eren declares he’s using the child Ymir’s power to destroy the world, we’re shown a flashback of Historia first and foremost. 

Eren empathizes with little girl Ymir, and Historia was told as a child that she should learn to be like Ymir, always kind and always putting others first. They both see themselves in Ymir and it symbolizes why they are connected, because deep down they are both that powerless little child. 

There are two big connections between Eren and Historia immediately. Number one is that the inciting incident of their trauma is the same. Yes, Historia grew up in a household where she was eteranlly bullied and belittled where Eren grew up fairly love and secured but they both suffer from the same traumatic incident. 

A titan suddenly killed the person who was the symbol of unconditional love and security in their lives, for Eren it was his mother, and for Historia her older sister. In a situaiton where they were completely powerless, they watched a titan kill their security and destroy their home and are rendered homeless children after that point. They both join the titan corps as a way of survival. The reason that Eren is shown encouraging his father to pull the trigger and completely eliminate the Reiss family, is because narratively these two events are supposed to be connected. They’re narrative parallels. Eren suffered the loss of his mother which is the root of his trauma, and then has a hand in inflicting that same trauma on Historia. 

They are two people connected by the nature of their worst trauma and what it did to them. Every time they try to progress as people, they instead regress because what happened then was so fundamanetally damaging it robbed them of the ability to be able to grow up. They will never feel like they have the security that children need in order to grow into adults. 

Historia and Eren are mirror images even in their lives. Eren is an ordinary child given an ordinary childhood. Historia was marked as different from birth and raised as a special person. However, they ended up in relatively the same position. They both regress. The nature of Eren’s regression should be obvious because he’s trying to destroy the world. In essence Eren has remained the same character all throughout, his primary goal was to kill all the titans beyond the walls, it’s just his target that has changed. 

So, let’s focus instead of how Historia has regressed. I will say before I begin though that Eren and Historia regress as opposites. Eren will always choose to be active, even if it means stealing agency from others. Historia will always choose to be passive, even if she has power over others. When they are pushed into a corner by circumstances they fall back on their worst habits and that’s why we see them regress. Externally, they have different mechanisms to handle it. Eren steals agency, Historia gives up agency. Internally, it’s practically for the same reason, because whatever security they have is continually ripped away from them leaving them unable to grow as people. 

So what is Historia’s regression? Basically Historia, like Eren is lacking of a sense of self. Historia has no consistency deep down to show who she is. Even with most of the other characters as childish as they can be have this, Mikasa is overprotective and likes family, Armin is a dreamer who wants to explore the world, Annie is self centered and wants a peaceful life. Eren even comments about this in regards to himself when comparing himself to Eren. Eren centers himself around violence, war, and his hatred. Armin has something else besides fighting, in order to build himself around. Therefore, Eren considers himself lacking as a person in comparison to Armin. Who would Eren be if he wasn’t trying to destroy all the titans? That’s a difficult question to answer. 

Historia is much the same way. Historia builds herself and her self of identity around the roles that other people ask her to play. The little girl Ymir is kind because she always did what others ask of her. Historia is always performing some role for the sake of everybody around her. 

I wouldn’t say that Historia’s arc in Uprising ends on a triumphant note, but rather an ambiguous one. The arcs aren’t lines, they’re circular. Historia even questions herself if she’s moving for the sake of herself or others. 

Here is how I see uprising. Your interpretation might differ. Historia steps out of the role of Krista. Historia, tries to be herself for a moment. At the end of the arc, rather than true liberation Historia chooses to step back into the role of queen. The only slight progress made is that she doesn’t entirely listen to Erwin’s orders. However, even her act of slaying a titan within the wall was a pre-planend action, a performance. It’s just one Historia altered slightly to give herself a more centered role.

If Historia is not someone moving to help others than who is she? We know she’s spunky, angry, etc. etc. but as a character she hasn’t really developed goals or wants and needs outside of that. We continually see her on the brink of that point, but never quite crossing the line. 

Eren and Historia are at the center of their existence very performative people. The reason nobody quite understands Eren is that he’s always putting on an act around other people. 

Eren and HIstoria even doubt the same things in chapter 68. That is to say, they doubt themselves. They doubt if they are really truly people who are capable of moving for themselves. Eren sees himself as someone who has nothing special about him, and therefore doesn’t matter. Deep down he’s always viewed himself as a weak and pathetic person. Historia doesn’t think she’s capable of making decisions for herself. It’s because they’ve been continually made to feel helpless all of their lives, that they doubt themselves to this degree. 

Their response to this is to perform for everyody else around them. Eren si continually performing as this super strong, determined child ready to fight the whole world. Whereas, Historia is performing in the roles that other people give her. She is Krista Lenz. She is the queen Historia Reiss. She is, always, always, always, what other people need her to be. Whereas, Eren performs what he wants to be, which is powerful. 

When Historia and Eren break down it is shown just how deeply similiar they are inside. They become what they continually are made to feel like, helpless children. Eren is constantly boasting about how he is going to kill all the titans, and yet deep down he’s always believed that he was all talk and that for him there was nothing behind those words. 

It’s the same for Historia just in an opposite direction. Historia is constantly talking about helping people, but deep down she doesn’t see herself as a genuinely altruistic person. Not only does she see herself as helpless (therefore incapable of helping people because she can’t help herself) but she sees her motivations for helping people as selfish. 

In the Uprising arc we even see this parallel. I mean I know many people interpret this as Historia’s big moment of independence, which is also a valid interpretation. I’m just giving you my interpretation. I also see this as Historia having a massive mental breakdown in the middle of a crisis moment. When they are pushed to their absolute limits and they can no longer pretend, Historia and Eren both break down and we see what they view themselves as. Eren sees himself as a crying and begging child insignificant, unpowerful, and helpless. Historia sees herself as a selfish child and a bad person. This is also something that reflects their upbringing. Historia was continually made to feel selfish due to being an abused bastard, for wanting even the most basic necessities a child needs like love and security. Eren had his security ripped away suddenly when his mother died and he was at the time, a helpless, crying child only able to watch. 

When Eren breaks down he says the same thing always. Nothing has changed from back then. Nothing has changed from when I saw my mother died. When Historia breaks down she says she can’t live up to the expectations of other people around her. 

Eren and Historia both see themselves as fundamentally unable to change from who they were as children, and that’s why we see them regressing to their most childlike selves here in this final arc. 

2. What is the point of Uprising Arc, then?

I know I read uprising differently from most of the people on this site. However, I’m not saying that Historia didn’t grow in Uprising at all, or even that she doesn’t have a chance to grow. Honestly, I think Uprising does a good job at portraying the complexity of Historia’s character and why it’s really, really hard for her to grow in a straightforward manner. She’s not really the heroine of the story where she defeats the bad guy, and then overcomes her flaw in a dramatic fashion at the end of the arc. 

Okay, so I’m going to try to address how Historia’s arc is still... you know, an arc, even though it doesn’t continue on in a straightforward fashion from Uprising. Uprising isn’t pointless because it shows us the great depth and complexity of HIstoria’s character, and also establishes why it is so hard for her to change. It’s not a straightforward arc, more of a dig into her psyche. Historia steps out of the role, Historia tries to be true self for a moment, Historia steps into another role at the end of the arc. It may seem pointless to read it this way, but I’m going to try to dig in from this point forward to show the complexity that this demonstrates. 

So, like I said Historia is a character who lacks a sense of self. The reason that Eren perceives this of her so strongly that it’s what forges their friendship in this arc is because Eren is the same way. 

Eren picks up on the fact that Historia was always striving to meet the expectations of everyone around her, because Eren is very much the same person. The kill all the titans thing is an act. Everyone around him believes it to such an extent that not a single person, even his closest childhood friends understood him enough until it was too late. 

Eren also tells Historia he sees her as a normal girl, because it’s who Eren wants to be accepted as, but feels like he never can be. Before I go into uprising itself there’s the big inciting events for both of them that lead into where their characters are in the lead up to Uprising. 

Eren and Historia both have a moment with their respective love interests in the prelude to this arc. Historia begs Ymir to come back with her so they can both live on as themselves. Mikasa tells Eren that he doesn’t need to be able to defeat titans, that what he did for her was showing her the small kindness of wrapping her scarf around him that day was enough for her. 

It’s Mikasa and Historia who reach out, but Ymir and Eren both refuse that closeness. Eren chooses to fight, and Ymir chooses to sacrifice herself to Reiner and Bertolt. 

I know a lot of people take issue with this writing choice, but sorry this post isn’t about the quality of the writing, just how it all comes together in the big picture. The point is, Historia and Eren are both offered what they have always wanted which is to live as themselves with a person who loves them for who they are only for it to get them taken away. 

There’s also an interesting irony written in Ymir’s death. Historia has always idealized the path of a martyr. She always thought living a good, selfless, altruistic life is what would earn her the love of her sister. 

Part of the problem is, the only source of love both Eren and Historia has was taken away so suddenly. Historia got the idea in her head, that all love was conditional and she had to act good in order to earn that love because love was never freely given to her. So Historia’s martyr act is a way to earn love. However, Ymir’s choice inflicts upon Historia the pain other people feel when she decides to martyr herself. 

The path of the martyr isn’t a good one, it’s thorny, and wracked with pain. What Ymir does is a genuine act of altruism. She makes a choice out of sympathy for both Reiner and Bertolt who have suffered all their lives just like her, and also  a belief her sacrifice will buy something for HIstoria in the bigger picture. It’s at least partially an altruistic decision, and Historia’s not happy about it at all, she’s downright bitter. Because, Historia isn’t the altruist deep down inside she pretends to be. Historia idealizes self sacrifice and selflessness, but when faced with the harsh reality and consequences of such behavior she realizes this is not what she wants. 

Ymir’s death throws the narrative Historia has always held onto into question, because she’s now the victim of somebody else’s self sacrifice. By killing herself, Ymir has also deprived Historia of her place in the world. Which sends her into self doubt. This moment of reflection is once again where we see the real Historia. 

Eren calls out the fact that Historia is actually very selfish. When she’s not performing goodness, most of her worries and actions are centered around herself. Everyone is out risking her lives, and Historia is kind of busy like “Who am I? Why won’t people love me for the real me?” These questions are selfish because they are focused and centered around the self. Historia is, egocentric in the way a child is, and the way that Eren is, because she doesn’t have a fully developed self. 

Uprising is where we’re shown very clearly that rather than having a centralized sense of self, a goal to focus herself around, all of these things normal characters have Historia is someone who wildly swings between two.

Historia is indecisive on whether or not Krista or Historia constitutes the real her. There is the act that Historia portrays on the surface as someone who always worries about others, and then her history (Gosh, golly gee I wonder why her real name is Historia... obvious symbolism is obvious). The question for HIstoria is which one she should let efine her, is she defined by the trauma she accumulated by being born into this world, or the person she wants to be. Historia’s failure to reconcile herself between the two extremes is what results in her behavior, as swinging back and forth between both.

I don’t believe that the point of uprising is to show Historia finally reconciling these two, but rather to show her wildly swinging between the two. HIstoria is someone who wildly swings between great feats of selfishness and selflessness.

We are given several hints of Historia’s progress in this arc, but also several unhealthy signs of her back sliding. For exmaple there’s the scene where Levi infamously bullies Historia into calling herself the queen.  One this scene fundamentally demosntrates what Historia’s problem is, she can’t make decisions or act for herself because she doesn’t really know what she wants. 

And when Levi beats her up and pushes her, she decides to perform again. Now the question is if you see the final climactic scene of Uprising as her triumphantly overcoming this cycle or falling back into it. My interpretation is that it portrays the swinging between. 

HIstoria, confronted with the feelings of insecurity she’s had since childhood unable to feel consistently loved or that she was even worthy of love is about to fall back on her mechanism of total and complete selflessness. Believing that her self sacrifice will at least mean she was a good person that meant something to the world, that her self sacrifice will earn her something. The reason that Eren yells I’M NOT NECESSARY is it’s because what their trauma made them feel like, and deep down what they’re afraid of hearing. 

Historia first appears entirely passive and selfless, then she takes an active role and screams she’s the worst girl on earth and she’d rather let the whole world die than sacrifice one person. Her response isn’t to reconcile these two entirely divergent selves, but rather we’re being shown her flipping between them. 

Historia declares one moment she doesn’t care about the rest of the world they can all die, and the next moment she says that if there’s a crying child she will always help. What we see is not a reconciliation so much but rather a flipping between, because it’s Historia’s tendency to swing back and forth between the two. 

Here’s my defense of my point. Uprising ends on an ambiguous note. As I’ve said above uprising doesn’t end on Historia becoming her full realized self, but rather wondering if she’s become her full realized self. 

Not only that but everything that seems like it was forward progress initially in uprising becomes undone later. Erwin is freed in Uprising, Erwin dies the next arc. Eren says he doesn’t need to become a special person to change the world, Eren is back on his bullshit by the time skip. The uprising puts the good guys in charge of the government and so now the government is no longer an obstacle to the path of saving humanity. The Jaegerists come take over in a second uprising, and the government becomes an obstacle once more. Even the decision they made to never feed Historia to a titan in order to sacrifice the world, is something the main characters go back on as they debate on whether or not to have her eat Zeke. Everything that seems like it’s forward progress becomes undone.

So why would Historia’s arc not become undone, too? This isn’t a question of quality of the writing. If you think this is a bad writing decisoin you’re completely valid I just am trying to remind you this isn’t the place to have that discussion. The deicsion to regress however, portrays the conflicts the characters are dealing with as cyclical ones. My argument is that as a whole Attack on Titan is being written as a cyclical story where characters circle. 

Eren and Historia are just the two biggest contenders of this regression. Which is why we see them conspiring together in this the final arc. (Yes there is a problem with Historia being mainly offscreened) however narratively the decisions we are shown Historia making in this arc are all passive ones. Also ones meant to pacify the people around her. 

Eren will always choose to be the activest character he possibly can, and to take agency even if it means stealing it from others. Historia will always choose to be passive, and will give up agency even if it means people steal things away from her.  

We are kept mostly out of Historia’s head. We are also kept mostly out of Eren’s head. What we are being shown recently though is a continuation of what we witnessed in uprising. Uprising ended with the question of if Historia is Krista Lenz, or Historia Reiss unresolved. 

This scene is Eren browbeating Historia into submission so she’ll go along with this plan. However, for HIstoria it’s also a confrontation with both sides of herself that she has shown to other people. Eren is basically telling HIstoria there are two wildly different hers, there is the Historia who would sacrifice herself, and the Historia who would say fuck the entire world she’s not sacrificing herself even if it makes herself the enemy of humanity. 

My argument is that the story has gone to great length to portray that to some extent, both of these HIstorias are real. Historia is someone who swings between wild feats of selfness and selfishness. Historia can say both of these things and mean them, that she wants to sacrifice herself for the sake of the world, fuck the world she wants to be herself. 

The same way Eren can imprison his friends, tell Mikasa she’s a slave, tell Armin he’s useless and that he’s despised both of them always, and also believes that he’s doing all of this for the love of his friends. Eren can say both and mean both, because he also does this inconsistent swinging back and forth. 

The foiling between the two of them shows how utterly broken Eren and Historia are as people due to the neglect they faced as children. It’s not actually a question of whether they are good or bad people. (Though Eren, is a jerk). It’s to show how unhealthy these mechanisms are. They mechanisms they rely on to survive, do not allow them to grow or develop all the way as people so they remain stunted. Historia is still in an incredibly unhealthy and precarious position in regards to her identity. Eren’s mechanism is to take agency, Historia’s is to give it up, the result however is the same between the both of them.

We see Historia make a choice. In all fairness we don’t know what that choice is. However, we also know what she didn’t choose. She knew what Eren was going to run off and do, and what he was planning, and she didn’t stop him. 

Another important part of the final arc is showing how everybody else’s decisions also led to Eren doing what he did. Armin’s choice to never confront Eren’s real self turned him into Eren’s enabler. Mikasa’s inability to try to live without Eren, made her completely unable to see this coming. The scout corps in general was unable to stop Eren, because they didn’t understand him. Historia also made a choice to enable the situation to happen in some way, because she didn’t choose to just... tell somebody else what Eren was planning, or stop it. 

While yes, she may be trying to stop it all on her own. It’s still a choice she made that’s frighteningly similiar to the choices Eren has been making all along. That is the choice not to trust people, the choice not to openly communicate what she inteded, the choice to instead go off on her own and try to solve everything by herself. 

That’s also the choice she always makes when backed up against a wall, and therefore it’s a sign of regression. I don’t think Historia is conspiring with Eren or even agrees with him. However, I do think she has made a similiar choice as Eren which is to try and attempt to solve everything on her own without trusting the others which is why we’re seeing her get so much foiling with Eren in this the final arc. 

Historia will overcome this regression when rather than swinging between Historia Reiss, and Krista Lenz, that she is both, and always has been both. You are who you are deep down inside. You are also who you pretend to be. The choice to show Historia’s wavering between makes her arc longer, difficult, more frustrating, but it also shows how hard it is for Historia. 

It shows the struggle of someone like Historia with lifelong trauma. How hard it is for her, not to be a queen, or a good girl. How fundamentally, it’s difficult for her to even juts be a normal person. And how in the end that’s what she is fighting for, to rediscover herself as a normal girl once more after being denied that by the environment around her her entire life. Historia too, can be a normal girl in the face of all that trauma.