#like yes man i do have traumas but i love my friends deeply. i just have a different love language. they know i love them profoundly

[noroi-amaraciune]

Also funny bro yesterday told me I'm a bit fucked up (very pitiful) convo was like

R: ok let's get this straight you fuck weird people randomly but you can't let your friends hug you

Me: lol yeah sex is meaningless

R: man. That's kinda.. fucked up.. I'm sorry

Me: why be sorry I know I'm fucky, my diagnoses are like pokémon

R: dude. That's a lot to work on... You fr need a Platonic hug

Me: ew scary

[dinarosie]

Do you think the only reason Severus viewed Lily on a pedestal is because she was the only person who treated him with genuine affection etc.? Because from what I have seen of her she doesn't seem like this kind, perfect role model that lots of fanfiction potray her as. She seems pretty shallow and insecure. Ofc that is my opinion and I care about yours, so what do you think?

Yes, I believe Severus Snape’s childhood traumas and the lack of affection in his early life significantly shaped his connection to Lily. However, I think there’s a deeper, more profound reason why he held onto her memory for so many years. This is evident in the pivotal conversation between Dumbledore and Snape after Lily's death:

"And what use would that be to anyone?” said Dumbledore coldly. “If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear. You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily’s son.”

At this moment, Lily Evans and Snape’s love for her transcends the personal—she becomes a symbol, a guiding light for Snape through the dark and arduous years ahead. She represents more than just a childhood friend or a lost love (depending on one’s interpretation); she becomes a reminder of the path he chose when he decided to protect Harry Potter.

When Dumbledore asks Snape to commit to protecting Lily’s son, he simultaneously warns him of Voldemort’s eventual return. By agreeing to this task, Snape knowingly commits himself to opposing Voldemort and everything he stands for. In doing so, Lily’s memory becomes a beacon, illuminating the moral and redemptive path that Snape must follow. From this point onward, Lily is no longer just a memory of a lost friend or a woman he once loved; she becomes a symbol of Snape’s redemption—a reflection of his choice to rise above the mistakes of his past and fight for what is right. She represents Snape’s turning point, the moment when he grows beyond the insecure young man who once joined Voldemort and begins his journey of atonement.

What’s particularly fascinating is that Snape subconsciously projects his idealized, moral self onto Lily. By clinging to her memory, he is not merely holding onto a lost friend but to the pure, untainted part of himself—the side that feels remorse and strives to make amends for his past wrongs. Lily, in essence, becomes the embodiment of the man Snape wishes to be: someone willing to sacrifice and endure immense pain to protect others and do what is right.

This idea is somewhat akin to what Harry Potter does later in his life. As I’ve mentioned before, one of the reasons Harry names his son Albus Severus is because the name symbolizes Harry’s own growth and maturity. It is a reminder of everything Harry endured—loss, sacrifice, war, and the meaningful choices that defined him. Similarly, for Snape, Lily’s memory becomes a symbol of his own evolution—his growth, redemption, and the sacrifices he makes in the fight against evil. It serves as a testament that his struggles and pain were not in vain but deeply meaningful and ultimately right.

In this way, Snape’s attachment to Lily is not the shallow idolization of a perfect, kind, and flawless person. Instead, it’s a complex psychological and emotional phenomenon, rooted in his desire for redemption and a deeper connection to the moral compass that Lily’s memory provides. Her name becomes a touchstone for the man he chose to become—a man who, despite his flaws, strove to honor her and fight for a better world.

[wellofdean]

Thinking about @luckshiptoshore and her liveblog of watching Supernatural and how much I love following it and how great it is to watch someone just fucking ENJOY the show...

And then, there were a couple of people in my Discord who love the fic, but have never watched the show, and folks in there were trying to convince them that it was worth watching (duh!) and that knowing the show by heart makes the fic so much better and like yes, again... DUH! And then I was suddenly overcome with such a feeling of ENVY for all the people who still have the chance to watch Supernatural for the first time already knowing what happens in the end.

I mean, I watched 14 years of it in real time (after downloading and bingeing season 1) and at least I was clever enough not to be in the fandom trenches that whole time, and just enjoyed it for what it was, but the end broke my brain, and changed the whole show for me.

Because, like, here's what happens in Supernatural by the end: Dean and Cas are in love. It was not subtle. Dean can't say it because he never has a single moment of not being up to his pretty, pretty eyeballs in dealing with the ongoing and constantly multiplying trauma of being the man his father raised him to be, and god's specialest boy to boot, but in the end, Cas finally does just fucking say it. Not only that, he waits until he can use it to save Dean, and show him once and for all in an incontrovertible, undeniable way exactly how deeply and truly loved and SEEN he is.

When you watch it knowing that, knowing that the the whole story is going to end in that stupid bunker dungeon with Cas telling Dean who he is and dying to save him, the whole thing just HITS DIFFERENT, because the Dean of season one with his outcast liminality and pretty, pretty lips is the poor, lonely, weird boy who will one day be loved like that by Castiel, an angel of the lord -- an impossible Eldritch being who learned what love and selfhood are from closely observing Dean.

The consensus amongst most Supernatural fans is that it is trashy and bad and that its all evil queerbaiting, but I would contend that it's actually deeply entertaining, culturally rich and interesting (yes, even its flaws and missteps), often impressively well-written and acted, never puts on any airs about being prestige television or high art, but still manages to be ultimately epic and somehow sublime, and that it's a queer story, about queer love saving the universe, and it is so, so worth watching.

Like, my brainworms are not 'they strung me along all that time and then never let them make out', by brainworms are 'they told us so many times and in so many big and small ways, and now I need to watch every bit of it again and again and again so I can finally REVEL IN IT (and, friends, that is the Supernatural rewatch journey: realising it was ALWAYS THERE). My brainworms aren't 'but does Dean reciprocate??' they are: 'of course he loves Cas, and of course Cas knows that Dean loves him, and the one thing Cas can't have? That's just his chance at happiness and a soft epilogue with and for Dean, because Cas, impossible, cosmic, Eldritch being Cas, traded his chance at happiness for his family's lives and sacrificed himself for love of his son and Dean, because that is what you do when you love someone, and what he has watched Dean never stop doing for even a minute of his beleaguered life.'

And then, Dean dies (yes, it's stupid), and he cannot just go to heaven, drink a beer and hang out, he needs to climb into his magic soul vehicle, hit the axis mundi and tear the universe up looking for his angel and his happy ending in The Winchesters? Fuck me.

And like, it's the most romantic, and devastating story I have ever been told? And I love it so much?

[urautismdiagnosis]

Ships hehe

BOATS (ships)

OK SO I won't tolerate anyone trashing aro ace people or queer platonic relationships or invalidating them, THAT OUT OF THE WAY TIME FOR HEADCANONSSS

barnacles and kwazii 🐻‍❄️💛🐱: I originally shipped them when I was like 12 lol

To me they're going to become a QPR and they mean the world to me.

I need to start actually posting my stories to showcase what's gonna happen BUT CMON GUYS THEY HAD AN ENTIRE EPISODE ABOUT THEM BEING A SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP?!

Like I'm gonna be so real they were octopod POD mates. (Their rooms in the same bubble lol)

Kwazii is his ✨first mate✨

They're a married couple that doesn't realize it yet!I'm going to trauma bond them and no one can stop me. Cuz I've already done it 😎👍✨

They deeply trust eachother! I'm going to make barnacles hold what he thinks is kwazii dead in his arms! Barnacles loves this silly cat man! Kwazii loves to be appreciated and make barnacles proud! They emotionally support eachother! Kwazii is going to have nightmares about the captain dying in a horrific way that totally doesn't relate to the intens epsychological trauma I've given him! Barnacles wants to be useful and have someone to love but also someone to tell him its ok and that he doesn't have to be perfect or brave all the time! Kwazii wants to not be alone and prove himself to someone who truly sees the worth in him while being able to trust that they'd always stay loyal together! They have so many inside jokes and shared moments of near death experiences! Accordian music and shanties!

anyways onto SHELLINGTON AND DASHI AY AY AY AYYYY

Uhhh so I haven't posted their designs and my headcanons but yes Shellington is autistic to me (totally not me projecting but yall see the username. Ill get into why I think he's autistic on my character design post for him) and yes I think yk what? Maybe he was a little lonely and weird as a kid and yk what also? Maybe he does have some chronic pain too I dont make the rules (yes I do)

Anyways like shellington, I'm giving my baby issues and fears relating to not being like part of the group lol. Subconsciously anyways. And yk he found his people, the octonauts who value him and his interests and dont blame him for messing up lol and he likes himself as a person

(BTW he wouls totally try to adopt a cryptid like creature (new species!) abomination and name it Steve I already have an entire plot)

Do yall remember when they were sent to spend several weeks alone together in the midnight zone cuz I do

Regardless i think dashi just casually asked him ayyo wanna date and then he bluescreened LOL

As for dashi well, I'll get into her headcanons when I post her character design as well, but regardless she needs someone who understands and supports her passions without judgement yk?

She is so incredible,like photography, computer specialist, apparently technically a scientist, a surfer, able to pilot deep marine vehicles, got swallowed by a whale, did a flip from the manta ray while diving FRKM SEVERAL METWRS IN THE AIR INTO WAYER THAT WAS ABOUT TO HAVE LAVA POUR INTO IT???, and is a whole pilot now apaprently???

Like holy-

Anyways yeah dashi thinks shellington is an amazing single father with so much kindness and emotional intelligence and many many charming qualities 🥰

Shellington thinks dashi is Like actually a really really awesome person??? Like they both like organizing things!! Shes funny and smart!! They can both talk about eachothers interests and he likes to make her happy!! She's really cool and kind and helps him with stuff and she's super intelligent and charming! He just thinks she's oh so very cool. She's so confident and has kind eyes 🥰

Anyways yes

Btw just wanna say that tweak is like if u were aro ace to the max lolll shes just content with her life and friends lol

now for the penguin(s) in the room

ok so shes gonna be a plot relevant character in a story I've got in the works (The Oil RIg) it'll be a fun ride dw, but we love medic x depressed woman its great and yes I do think peso could pull any gal just by existing like straight up fight me on this fight me fIGHT ME-

ok not fight I'm not like that but I will stand on this hill till I die

but fr tho it was a whole telenovellahow they met omg- I'm talking the drama- thelore- thesoftmoments and the heartbreaking goodbyes- not to worry tho they do meet again and are like long distance(with tons of visiting) lol they have a very healthy relationship tho considering that shes like idk, ig fresh out of a like, very unhealthy environment

i ain't gonna spoil anything rn tho lol but she Gon save his life and he gon save hers and its gonna be beautiful<3 <3 <#

[bunnyshideawayy]

cassian. great man, wonderful friend, absolutely terrible mate.

we have seen Nesta’s sisters, who arguably have less of a reason, defend her more than Cassian has ever thought about. HELLO?

my issue with cassian acosf and onward is that we are truly expected to believe they he deeply understands Nesta when he’s been shown time and again to never stick up for her and never fully trust her. he does nothing to help her over come and face her traumas / depression, she’s left to do that on her own, but best believe he’s down to fuck and make her hike! (no sarah sex and physical exercise are not cures)

after reading the entire series once and now twice seeing Rhys threatening anyone who dares breath wrong in Feyre’s direction under the guise of just “protecting his mate” i find it extremely hard to believe cassian allowed or even sides with anyone who speaks ill of/to Nesta or threatens her- all of which Rhysand and most of the IC (besides her sisters and Az) do, most of the time while directly in front of cassian in conversations he’s involved in. the most he does is…pout a little? throws a hissy fit? the two times i can remember him even remotely stick up for Nesta he immednantly backtracks as soon as Rhysand pushes back, both times the final decision being put in Feyre’s hands, this continues even into CC3 (and let’s thank the mother Feyre loves her sisters which is something ik yall nesta haters can’t stand.)

let’s move onto something i know yall don’t want to talk about, his verbal abuse. “oh but nesta also said-“ we know what she said, that is not the point. if this man knew all along nesta was his mate and truly wanted to help her heal from her traumas and depression why did he take every chance he could to provoke her? Nesta called Rhysand an asshole, and he IS especially to Nesta, and instead of keeping silent as he does when Rhys/the IC harshly critique her, he immediately gets angry and in her face to defend him. funny he can’t do that with her, his MATE? or let’s talk about this scene

oh okay! that’s totally something you say unprompted to your mate who is severely depressed and traumatized because she won’t eat! she’s totally not shaking because she’s triggered! then to add the lecture “we’ve been here before, too” oh okay! so you admit you know what she feels like (very doubtful although i’m not going to compare their traumas, both are valid he just does not understand her like he thinks he does) it’s patronizing and a little frustrating. she doesn’t want to be there in the first place, purposely throwing a sensitive subject in her face will not magically motivate her or cure her- she is simply doing what she has no choice in. she has been stripped of all autonomy, humanity, and “normality”- she feels alone and valuable in a way she as never felt before and she has NO HELP. none!

i’ll end with the hike. yay more physical activity as punishment- but if i said that was abuse yall will bring up the pregnancy so ill do it for you! Yes, Nesta was wrong to tell Feyre THE WAY SHE DID, she had every right to tell Feyre about her own body and pregnancy, it just shouldn’t have happened the way it did. everyone knew it was wrong to keep it from Feyre, even Cassian, so instead of forcing her to hike a mountain as punishment to ware her down mentally and physically he couldve stood up for both Feyre and Nesta to Rhysand the moment he threatens to KILL NESTA. a simple “hey buddy you knew it was wrong to keep that from Feyre you can’t kill my mate for telling her even if it was out of anger” would suffice. not once during their entire hike or during her breakdown does he reassure her, not even when she is tearing herself apart because she doesn’t feel worthy. don’t even get me started on what happens in CC3.

over all i think Nessian is great and they have some great moments, the end of ACOWAR lives rent free in my mind but i am incredibly disappointed with Cassian. i do feel like Nesta deserves better from everyone (besides Feyre and Elain who, again, are the only ones who i truly believe love her unconditionally.)

anti nesta’s this is not a safe space for you.

[biblicallyaccuratecrow]

ouroboros rambles chapter 2

you guys seemed to like the chapter 1 rambles, so here is chapter 2!

[spoilers for isat and twohats below the cut]

i would like to start by saying that we all need more mirabelle POV fics in our lives. she deserves only the best.

I always really liked how Mira didn't just. get over act 5? like, the things that siffrin said were hurtful! yes! and she loves him! even after that! but it doesn't erase the pain and the conflicting feelings regarding it, especially because of the no-spoilers rule... which we will get more into i proMISE! in any case I was focused a lot on the fact that Mira post canon is dealing with a Lot, what with everyone still believing that she was chosen by the Change God and yknow. saving Vaugarde, and Siffrin's overall condition doesn't help! She wants him to be okay and safe, and she has already shown that she feels immense guilt over not being able to help siffrin during the loops, so I kinda leaned hard into that.

The entire party is about to be So Tired Of People.... especially The Introverts (Odile, Mira, and Siffrin)...

The fucking cart thing came to me out of fucking nowhere. I have no idea where or why that bit came around.

Siffrin sleeping habits analysis. siffrin sleeps all curled up like a cat most of the time? theyre small scrappy, but not really the most physically strong (before the loops), and i imagine more than a few years of traveling alone would train him to be ready to protect themselves however they can, even in their sleep. I think that this eases up a bit as they get comfortable with the party, which leads to them being able to sleep "normally". but of course, that is how they wake up in the loops. negative association and trauma from waking up back in the meadow..... i don't imagine they'll be going back to that any time soon.

I do have a Full Catalog of Siffrin's injuries (because im actually insane) but that will be talked about in my chapter 3 rambles. for now though, all im gonna say is that Siffrin definitely kept the stars hidden. In my headcanon, healing craft only works when you can actually pinpoint a wound, internal or external. I'm more inclined to believe that siffrin healed them up the best they could on their own after to hide them.

Ohhhh odile. my beloved. i have so many feelings about her and how she processes siffrin's issues postcanon. feelings i will not get into until next chapter. sorry lmaoooooo. All you gotta know for now is that once she starts seeing things, she can't stop. the signs appear everywhere, and she very quickly puts the pieces together from that point. All it takes is one domino to start the cascade, and Odile is the kind of person that WILL get to the bottom of it all, no matter what it takes.

Mira's guilt. Oh man. There are some ways in which her and Siffrin are very alike, and this is one of them. She's justified in being mad, yes, but that doesn't erase the fact that she doesn't want to BE mad. She hates it. because she knows now that siffrin was suffering. She defeated the king, saved vaugarde, but the cost was her friend's health and happiness. siffrin said that they were happiest they'd ever been with the party... and yes, siffrin loves them all deeply, but she never could have wanted that love to come at such a great price.

Mira has gotta be TIRED. girl healed siffrin a grand total of (checks my page of notes from act 5) six times. with very little cooldown. and that was AFTER deflecting the ONE SHOT KILL attack from the king (which, even with the carrot method shield, does at least 1/4 damage) and unfreezing siffrin....ough. let her rest!

i love torturing isa using his crush. its so funny. bro is a disaster. brain completely short circuits at the thought of siffrin in his clothes i can IMAGINE IT SO CLEARLY.... odile is gon abe homophobic soon /silly

Siffrin's wish... this scene was really important to me. Just for clarification (and this will become a LOT more obvious later), I don't really regard this scene as Siffrin getting over what happened? Because he definitely isn't. But they have already literally let go of their wish, and I wanted to explore a more… intentional version of that? its long-lasting effects are still there, mentally and physically. it doesn't just go away. But it has served its purpose and this is my way of showing the transition point from the loops and their future with their family.

Also!!! the idea of mourning something that no longer serves its former purpose, a life you cannot get back. Siffrin can never go back to who they were before their wish. They have been fundamentally changed as a person. And while the wish did bring good things, the flipside is that it also dismantled their entire worldview and life in its entirety. They died from this wish, suffered because of it, but the meaning behind it remains, and i think that this scene kind of shows the idea that siffrin still feels compassion for what it originally meant to them. its a bittersweet reality.

[tiphprince]

hello 😞

um can you explain the reasons you like snape?

Hi!

Sure.

I can't in fact remember when I started liking Snape, it happened as I was growing up with the movies, though I do know that by the time Half-Blood Prince came out in 2009 he was already well established as my favorite character, as I had friends take photos of me near a cardboard cutout of him at the cinema (I was 13 at that time).

So, I can't pinpoint what is the one thing that made me like him. However, I know that I started really loving his character more deeply when I read the books right after seeing the HBP movie. I discovered just how different he was in the books, and how much better his character was.

To answer your question... I love everything about him, including his many flaws.

He's hilarious, he has some of the funniest lines in the series. His sarcasm made me laugh as a young teen, even and probably, specially because it was directed at teenagers of the same age I was.

He's mysterious, for 95% of the series we have no idea what he thinks, what he's doing and why he's doing it. We just know that something is going on, but we don't know what. It makes him intriguing and makes you want to know more.

He's brave, and selfless. He risks his life on a regular basis once Voldemort gets back, he agrees to mercy kill Dumbledore, effectively getting himself branded as the second most hated man in the country and even by people who at minimum respected him (colleagues he'd been working with for 15 years, people who saw him as a friend), and he expects nothing in return. He dies a gruesome and painful death, though thankfully not alone, knowing that everyone who'd ever liked him, that everyone in the whole world, despises his guts because he had to do what no one else could to save thousands of lives.

He's petty, and cruel. I won't teach anyone anything by saying that Snape is a bully as a teacher, and that he enjoys it. Yet, this is also one of the reasons I like him, because it creates an amazing juxtaposition with the previous point. He's a hero... and an asshole who makes children cry. He will do everything in his power and more to ensure that his students are alive and stay that way, but damn if he won't crush their spirit in the meantime as well.

He's skilled. He's a potions genius, who was rewritting recipes as a teen. He invented spells also as a teen, both being things that even Hermione never attempted to do. He thinks outside the box, and he's an excellent duelist, but he relies on his intelligence more than rough power and fighting prowess.

He's traumatised. Snape has one of the worst childhood/backstories of the books. He was abused as a child by his father, grew up watching him abuse his mother, he lived in such extreme poverty that the Weasleys would look like the royal family to him. Then he got to Hogwarts, and we can see how excited he is to finally go somewhere he won't be forced to hide who he is, to be somewhere he belongs... except he meets his future bullies on the train and reality catches up to him fast.

He's "relentlessly bullied" for the next 6 years ish, with no escape. And yes, teenage Snape was no saint, he was no angel, but no child deserves this kind of torment. Every single day we hear of teenagers killing themselves because of bullying. As an adult he shows obvious signs of trauma from what the Marauders did to him, and it's very sad to see.

I need to stop at one point because I don't think you were asking for a whole ass novel about Snape, but there's so so much more to say about him. I'll just link to @said-snape-softly's answer to a post recently that was asking roughly the same thing, where they explain why they love Snape and added a lot of great metas to help you or anyone else better understand his character.

[stvrpst]

I hate how much bummy shippers downplay and minimize Eddie's trauma in comparison to Bucks. They both have distinct traumas and coping mechanisms, but it's clear that many bummies vilify Eddie when he encounters shit that triggers him and past traumas resurface, causing him to react in a specific way.

They will stop at nothing to protect Buck, very few, if any, will criticize him due to his trauma. That's all well and good, but it's irritating that people are so eager to give in and coddle Buck, while simultaneously condemning Eddie for doing the same shit.

I understand that Eddie is a very private and reticent person, and in contrast to Buck, the writers do not really go into great detail about Eddie's trauma compared to Buck. So, while many of us have a better grasp of Buck's past and his trauma, that doesn't change the fact that Eddie too suffers from deeply ingrained trauma from his early years. similar to Buck.

Every time the writers decide to put buck through more shit and he’s back juggling trauma again it’s,

“Why can’t buck be happy!”

“Stop putting buck through shit!”

“Buck deserves to be happy!”

“Buck deserves to be loved!”

“Buck deserves a fun time!”

Which, sure, I agree with completely, but I wouldn't be irritated with it, if the replies to when the authors put Eddie through more shit and he's back juggling trauma weren't,

“Eddies a dick!”

“Eddies needs therapy!”

“Eddie needs to get his shit together!”

“Eddies not a good friend!”

“Buck deserves better!”

There is an obvious bias. Like, why are some of you unable to treat Buck and Eddies traumas equally? Why is it that some of you have to discuss Buck like he has superiority over Eddie with such a blatant undertone?

Why does Eddie have to work hard and figure out his shit, whereas Buck needs everything and needs it handed to him? This season, there were plenty of examples. Many of you exposed your real selves, and I now understand how you feel about Eddie. It's obvious, in my opinion, that none of you genuinely cared about Eddie.

Y’all seize every chance to vilify Eddie, paint him in a negative light, and denounce everything he does, while continually pointing out his shortcomings and faults, but you will place Buck on a pedestal and treat him like a saint, while disregarding what he has done because "He has trauma and deserves to be loved🥺"

And they only do that with buck btw.

In 7x04, they still found a way to make Eddie the asshole💀.

Yes, he was the asshole because he was innocently enjoying himself with his new friend, with whom he shares interests with. However, Buck couldn't handle that and chose to ACTUALLY hurt Eddie before going to make out with the friend Eddie was hanging out with.

But Eddie is an asshole, right? He's the asshole because he didn't invite Buck to trivia, despite the fact that Eddie has asked Buck several times to play basketball with him, but Buck declined. But as soon as Eddie found a friend eager to accompany him, Buck chose to act like a big dick and hurt Eddie, but Eddie is the asshole in this circumstance, correct?

But the bummies are just cool with it because it worked out well for Buck. so we can overlook the fact that Buck harmed Eddie, because at least he got to kiss a man, so it's all good!

Tommy had barely been here for a minute, and despite the fact that his behavior had nothing to do with trauma at all—rather, he was just a big asshole, Sexist, and a racist—bummies were fighting tooth and nail to defend his actions, but were eager to blame Eddie for his triggered response to Kim, despite the fact that it was prompted and stemmed directly from trauma.

The difference is that they feel comfortable defending Tommy because he has a direct relationship with Buck. If he wasn't with Buck, no one would be fighting to keep that man on the show. If Buck had been a direct victim of Tommy's conduct in season 2, and Eddie ended up with Tommy in season 7, their asses would be mad as fuck.

The truth is, they never truly wanted queer Eddie. They just wanted him to be queer so Buck could have the pleasure of kissing a man. It was never about representation for the both of them; it was only ever about Buck. Which is why they stopped pushing and supporting the idea of queer Eddie the moment Tommy kissed Buck.

They don't like him as a standalone figure. They like him as a stepping stone for Bucks' character.

So, moral of the story, they enjoy disregarding and discounting Eddie's pain since he expresses it and deals with it differently than Buck. And since they were too preoccupied with seeing Eddie as a stepping stone for Bucks' character and queerness alone, they never took the time to truly understand and comprehend Eddie's history, past, and trauma. So as a result, its very hard for them to really perceive Eddie as his own character with depth and complexity because for the longest time, they only viewed him as "the guy that could give us buck kissing men."

[inhonoredglory]

i dont know if you partake in any of the doctor who comics at all - i certainly dont. i like keeping my sanity safe (its a mess of strange stories and paradoxes from what ive been able to tell. as are most comic series). but recently there was one that elaborated a bit on rose and the metacrisis’s life post journeys end, and its one of the few pieces of media we have for them. i didnt care enough to read the whole thing, the only interesting part to me was apparently they had a little girl named mia, and ive been thinking abt that dynamic nonstop since. cant decide how realistic it is for them, but on the otherside augh its so sweet. anyway, i just wanted to ask how you feel about rose and the metacrisis in general, and whatever that entails. curious abt ur thoughts on them!

- armin anon/lesbian anon/whatever you feel like calling me lol

OMGG my anon (of many names lol)! OK first off, I drafted some of this way back but forgot to add on and post, so in the words of our beloved Doctor,

🌹 But onto the DW comics and Meta-Crisis/Rose!!

I only recently started reading the comics, starting with the ones about Gabby Gonzalez by Nick Abadzis, and I have to admit:

They make me yearn pretty fucking hard to run away and travel with the Doctor. There's some killer art by Elena Casagrande that feels so much like the Doctor we know and love (that kindness, that earnest love.... god!! my heart and soul!!).

But I warn ye (any readers of this post), DO NOT TOUCH Volume 2 by Robbie Morrison. He takes Ten blatantly out of character, making him out to be an arrogant bastard who belittles his companion and is flippant in the face of suffering. (Morrison watched too much Eleven, methinks 🙈)

I haven't read the Rose/Meta-Crisis comic yet (part of the Empire of the Wolf series), but I did see the important panel from that series, showing Rose's daughter Mia:

I think the Meta-Crisis settling down to have a family with Rose is pretty in-character and very much what the Tenth Doctor would have wanted, as much as it hurt him.

Because Ten fundamentally felt unworthy of Rose.

💔 The Doctor's Trauma

Rose was strong and compassionate and amazing, and Ten had done so much, seen so much, experienced so much tragedy and guilt. He's a man wrecked by PTSD, depression, shame, and self-blame. He felt like it wasn't fair to her that she'd sacrifice her life to someone who would go on living and changing and becoming a different person, while she grew old and died in a world without a home and away from everyone she knew.

He didn't want her to become like him, homeless and without the love of friends and family, because to be him is to be alone. And he didn't want that for her. Because he wanted her to be happy, not just momentarily, but for the rest of her life.

Ten is a man who loathes taking life, and it weighs on him every time someone sacrifices who they are because they love him.

It's no surprise Ten's entire decision about the Meta-Crisis took place after Davros massively guilt-tripped him into thinking it was his fault that all those people died. (It wasn't.) But Davros played on Ten's depression and trauma, manipulating Ten into thinking he had done unforgivable things to the people he loved. (when in fact those people died because they were inspired to be selfless like him, or were killed someplace beyond the Doctor's reach)

I've actually been doing a lot of research on Ten's trauma (including invaluable insight from Judith Lewis Herman's famous book Trauma and Recovery). This journal article about Major Depressive Disorder speaks so deeply to Ten's character, especially post-Time War and post-Davros:

"Guilt promotes altruistic behavior via acting out reparative tendencies, whereas shame reduces altruism by means of increasing social and interpersonal distance."

This explains so much about Ten's choice to sacrifice his own happiness and ask Rose to take his Meta-Crisis as her life partner. He's pushing her away, isolating himself. He's rejecting the people he loves the most because he's in a very, very dark place.

🖤🤍💜 An Asexual (Meta) Reading

There's so many reasons that Ten felt he couldn't give Rose the life she wanted (his trauma, his values). There's one angle I've been sifting around in my head in the past couple years, and it's more of a headcanon than anything: For me, because of the way the Doctor's character has been established since 1963, the Doctor's own asexuality is an almost meta-conceptual reason why the Doctor in general can't have a "normative," family life.

He couldn't say "I love you"—not because he didn't love her. (He loved her more than he ever loved himself.) But also because he knew what saying those words would mean: the expectations, the responsibility, the behaviors he felt she deserved to have from him because those words carry so much weight in human culture. All those things he could not give her.

But the Meta-Crisis could. I personally headcanon that the Meta-Crisis is not asexual like the Doctor. (Just like John Smith may not have been asexual either.) The point of both John Smith and the Meta-Crisis is showing how much they differ from the Doctor—and I think sexuality is one of those differences. It's why it was so easy for John Smith to imagine a traditional life, why it was so easy for the Meta-Crisis to promise his entire world and his entire self to Rose on that beach.

🌹 The Meta-Crisis and Rose Tyler

Which brings me back to the Tentoo himself. He was born in battle and he can die, but what does that exactly mean for his life with Rose? It's fascinating because to imagine the Doctor feeling mortality and knowing he cannot cheat death anymore—that's a horrific, terrifying thing.

There are actually two Big Finish Audios that explore this traumatic realization for the Doctor, and what that does to him. (They're both one-shots from Jackie's POV and narration, and you can listen to them here: Part 1, Part 2).

It makes Tentoo lean into his Ninth-era darkness, a ruthlessness to villains driven by the fear that he cannot protect Rose because he is not indestructible. But luckily for him, there are people he loves around him (Jackie and Rose) who keep him from that darkness.

Additionally, the Big Finish stories lean into the fact that Tentoo and Rose aren't sitting idly by. Both of them work for Torchwood and are growing their own TARDIS to continue to defend the Earth.

They don't settle down into a domestic life, at least not right away, and I think that suits them both. We know how much Rose didn't want the life of eating chips and watching telly. But listen to what RTD's Doctor Who has always tried to say: How deeply important the everyday things are, how much the Doctor, for how amazing they are, craves for a life of simplicity and the stupid little things that define humanity.

Because here's the key: It wasn't the everyday things that bothered Rose. Like she told Mickey in "Parting of the Ways":

ROSE: But what do I do every day, mum? What do I do? Get up, catch the bus, go to work, come back home, eat chips and go to bed? Is that it? MICKEY: It's what the rest of us do. ROSE: But I can't! MICKEY: Why, because you're better than us? ROSE: No, I didn't mean that. But it was. It was a better life. And I don't mean all the travelling and seeing aliens and spaceships and things. That don't matter. The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life. You know he showed you too. That you don't just give up. You don't just let things happen. You make a stand. You say no. You have the guts to do what's right when everyone else just runs away

Rose didn't hate the domestic, everyday life. She hated how life had no meaning.

She hated how people let things happen to them, without challenging anything or standing up for anything. She didn't want to travel as much as she wanted to live, to be something and do something with her life.

And that's the magic of Doctor Who, particularly RTD's era. Because you can be amazing and you can have meaning even without the Doctor, but the Doctor shows you how.

You stand up for what you believe is right and you choose to give meaning to what you do in life. You don't need to travel the stars to do that. You can make choices that give your life meaning right here and now. You can believe in something. You can find meaning in your place in the universe. You can give your enthusiasm and time to something that is important. Meaning and purpose comes from how we see the world, and that change in perspective is what Rose finds with the Doctor.

If Rose is with someone who can fill her life with meaning, who inspires her to see life as a beautiful adventure, then it really doesn't matter what she's doing with them. In The Impossible Planet, Rose was completely willing to settle down with Ten to "find a planet, get a job, live a life, same as the rest of the universe." Why? Because she'd be with him.

ROSE: This lot said they'd give us a lift. DOCTOR: And then what? ROSE: I don't know. Find a planet, get a job, live a life, same as the rest of the universe.

If I imagine Tentoo as a dad, I can't help but imagine him like Tennant himself. Kind, giving, selfless, and loving. I think Tentoo would be so afraid of letting someone hurt his child, because he hasn't had a family in so long, and he isn't the same man he was in those ancient days when, as a completely different man, he had a family.

He's a man still afraid of himself, still keenly aware of the inhuman things he's capable of. I think this fear would drive Rose and him closer together, like it did when he was Nine. But Tentoo is more self-aware now, more willing to grow and change and be different. Because he's the Doctor who was given a second chance, to live the life he thought he'd never have with the person he loves. He wants to be different to make this work.

I also think Tentoo would be the Doctor who passes on his title after he's gone. Not that I like to think about Tentoo dying one day, but let's be real: Where would his TARDIS go? As a half-human, I think Tentoo could imagine Mia taking on the role of Defender of the Earth when he and Rose have passed on. She would have been there to see it grow, and she would have been there when Tentoo and Rose first stepped out into the stars with this brand-new TARDIS. Because of his mortality, I think it would make Tentoo more open to sharing the secret, sacred things of his Gallifreyan people with the family he chose to start. He's not alone anymore, he has someone to share it with, someone who will pass it on after him and keep the world safe in his stead.

Which is all to say, I think it's a gift that Rose has the Meta-Crisis. Because when Ten regenerated and became, as he said, a completely different man, she was able to stay with the person she fell in love with and explore what that life was like, to have him with her for all of her life, and all of his.

[sevensoulmates]

i wonder if people would be okay with eddie being bisexual. shannon as the only woman he fell in love with and buck as the only man eddie fell in love with. bisexual people also suffer from catholic guilt (i'm bi, latina and my family is catholic), but i don't think 9-1-1 would give us bi4bi romance. i just hope that, if eddie is bi, fans don't get mad and say things like 'it doesn't make sense'

Oh goodness, now we're getting into some iffy territory here. So, WARNING, if you follow my blog, you may already know that I personally headcanon Eddie as a repressed gay man, and not bisexual. And I have very specific reasons for that. HOWEVER, if the show DID want to go with Eddie also being bisexual, I would 100% accept that, because you're right bisexual people 100% also experience catholic guilt and comphet as well. All of that could definitely fit into the bisexual experience too. It would also make sense to the story...to a certain degree. So here's my warning again, I'm going to dive into my headcanon here, so be warned this is just MY opinion and is not indicative of all queer experiences real, fictional or otherwise.

Here's my reasons why I feel the story aligns closer to repressed gay than bisexual for Eddie. I simply don't believe that Eddie really ever was in love with Shannon. Loved her as his best friend, yes. Deeply loved her as the mother of his child? Yes. Loved her as a person? Yes. In deep romantic love with her? No. Nothing I've seen from their relationship, not the sex, not their "sweet" moments, or the vulnerable moments, nothing has ever made me ever believe they were in love love. I totally realize that that's my personal opinion and other people see it differently, I understand that, and I respect other people's personal opinions on the matter. This is not a knock against Shannon as a character, but just my individual feelings on their relationship. This was my opinion back when season 3 was still airing and I saw the show for the first time, and it's still my opinion now.

However, back in season 3/4 I actually still believed Eddie could be bi, for sure. And I would've been absolutely THRILLED with a bi4bi story from Buddie.

After all, just because Eddie wasn't in love with Shannon didn't mean he couldn't fall in love with another woman (or man), right? But then came Ana Flores....and then Vanessa...and then came Marisol....and the pattern kept going and I simply COULD NOT justify any of his behavior as actually really being attracted to/wanting/loving ANY of these women.

I understand that plenty of heterosexual and bisexual men also have this kind of avoidant-attachment relationship style, and that it could also stem from trauma, the way he grew up, patriarchy, etc, but the way he FORCES himself to be in a relationship with these women. The way he NEVER allows a genuine bond with a woman to just grow naturally and always has to force it to start, and then desperately cut it off when he's finally reached his limit, truly feels like he's torturing himself. And I'm so sorry, but I feel like if you were a person who genuinely wanted to be with a woman or a man, or anyone, in any capacity, you would not be torturing yourself over being with them.

Especially when I look at him in comparison to Buck, a canon bisexual man. I never once doubted that Buck actually loved Abby. I never once doubted that Buck was actually trying in his relationships with Ali, Taylor, and Natalia. When he was interested in these women it didn't feel forced. Unhealthy? Sure. Not the right fit for him? Absolutely. But forced? Like he was only doing it because he thought he had to? Never. Sure, maybe Buck held on longer than he should've because he didn't want to lose them, but that's because he still wanted their love even if it wasn't healthy for him.

I don't see any of that with Eddie. Shannon, and Eddie's relationship with her, has always felt like a crutch for Eddie, like an excuse, before she came back, when she was present, and long LONG after she died. So the argument that "well Ana and Marisol just aren't Shannon" will never work for me.

I also think Eddie being demisexual would be a better fit narratively at this point than bisexual as well. But then again, there's overlap and it's all very subjective and yeah--just a lot of queer theory to get into that I'm not an expert on, so I'm just gonna reiterate again. This is just my opinion.

If the show really wanted Eddie to be bisexual, and stated it as such, I would be fine with it, and I would accept it graciously and happily. But I do honestly feel like it wouldn't really fit well into the story they've been telling. At this point in time, with everything that we know, and everything we've seen, the only thing that I believe truly fits with the narrative is that Eddie's a repressed gay man and/or demisexual.

But if real-life bisexual people see themselves in Eddie, that will ALWAYS be valid, regardless of what the show says in regards to his sexuality. Fuck, they'll probably just leave him unlabeled regardless, in which case, any and all headcanons are valid.

This is a nuanced topic, and I do admit that IN REAL LIFE (remember I'm just discussing FICTIONAL characters here based purely on what a NARRATIVE has shown us which is all we can truly take as fact) someone in Eddie's position could for sure be bisexual and have this exact same experience.

I just think in my personal subjective opinion that with all we've seen in canon thus far, it would feel most organic to the story (and doesn't make Eddie look like a fucking asshole who chooses not to care at all about the women he's dating) if he realized he was a repressed gay man.

[finishing-seurat]

[i sheepishly accept the label of BEAR]

i wish i knew the pain of objectification, of being reduced to a lustful caricature in some guy’s wet daydreams.

i’ve never been looked up and down, fawned over, lusted after—

certainly not as a closeted chubby teen, but not as an out college student either.

even my ex boyfriend of nearly four years was conservative with compliments. i can remember only a few times when i felt the rush of being the object of his carnal desires—

just a few little moments when i was actually told how sexy i was, how desired i was… how Wanted.

i can’t relate to so many of the posts which flood my lgbt algorithms—

young adult gays talking about all the messages they get on grindr,

the frustration of dealing with broken promises when a hookup bails on them,

the exhaustion of flirting and being flirted with by flaky anonymous strangers who leave them disappointed and wanting more…

their grievances would be a dream to me.

they go on dates?

they go out to clubs?

they get hit on?

they actually get messages on the apps?

it’s a foreign reality.

why must it be a fetish to love me?

to desire my body?

why must i feel such shame and guilt for having preferences—

especially when they’d be deemed “out of my league”?

why must i do the work of unlearning the self loathing and phobia so deeply and purposely ingrained against my beautiful fat body?

my preferences have expanded,

as i peel back the layers of trauma and try to heal the wounds upon my rolls of flesh.

if i’m honest, of course, i do still have “a type”

—but i see the beauty in others who look like me.

i can feel desire.

i can see their folds and sagging limbs and plump features—

MY features—

and feel love and warmth—and yes, lust.

but still i have preferences,

and still i have guilt,

and still i have so much pain at not truly belonging to my own community.

i know there is nuance. i know there is grey.

those things exist in every case,

but here and now, i posit that my pain is real and valid!—despite any nuance provided by someone else’s walk of life.

here and now,

as i scroll past yet another painfully beautiful man,

i think about how social media is melting our brains and bombarding us with the toxicity of constant comparison,

but mostly i just wonder why it must be a fetish to love me.

a great friend once told me that to be attracted to anyone is to fetishize them, to some extent. to be the object of attraction is to be fetishized yourself.

i absolutely believe there is truth to that, and it’s a sentiment that has helped me greatly.

but again—

i fight this sick desire,

this jealousy

towards those men whose comments and DMs are flooded with thirsty 20- and 30-somethings hoping to be noticed.

to grow up fat and gay does some wild things to the human psyche.

(disordered eating, self harm, self loathing, dissociation)

looks are not everything.

body positivity and body neutrality should be the goals of our collective consciousness.

and yet…

i think i would still like the chance to be objectified—

every fat, hairy, wonderfully imperfect inch of me.

[bungoustraypups]

i just checked ur dnf criteria on ur carrd and i think what you said about mori is definitely interesting! im interested in why exactly he's your favourite character, if you're okay with telling me? /gen (i personally don't like mori because yosano is one of my absolute favourite characters and i cant forgive him for what he put her through, but i swear i dont hate people who like him. im actually very interested, and i would like to expand my view of mori)

also do u ship ranpoe?

ok so first of all: kudos to you for having a reason to dislike mori that is both personal and also correct. he did terrible things to yosano and that is canon! i'm also very glad that you're open to listening since a lot of ppl in this fandom aren't (the number of times i've been accused of being a child predator for liking mori is at least 5! this is solely from twitter tho not tumblr)

also yes i do ship ranpoe. just getting that outta the way before the mori moment begins

SO

mori is my favorite character mostly for reasons unknown to me. i just love him a lot. my first bsd fanfic i posted, which is also the first one i finished in march of this year, is a fukumori mainly mori-centric fic about the two of them having a baby, and over the course of writing that i fell deeply in love with his character, both the way i wrote him and how he is in canon.

he's so very clearly (in my eyes and the eyes of other mori enjoyers) traumatized it's almost painful. combining how he is solely in canon with the experiences of the MCs of vita sexualis and the dancing girl (i have not yet read these novels but my good friend geeg has talked abt it extensively) opens up a whole new dimension to this too.

in fact, as i've stated multiple times before: of the main BSD cast, the two who i think most likely have CSA trauma (there could def be others but this is just from what i know) are probably dazai and mori (notably, separate experiences divorced from each other, meaning i 100% do not believe mori SA'd dazai or anyone else for that matter given there's no canonical evidence to support this)

he's hot. and i like characters i think are hot (and ones i think aren't but yknow this gives him more points)

he's mysterious and we know very little about him

he's so fucking tragic as a character. a man canonically full of regrets, who never considers his own feelings but uses himself for the greater good of his city and his country, who is constantly forced to swallow his true feelings because he has to appear as a strong leader all the time and can only hope to express himself even a little bit when he's alone with his own ability? the agony and hells are real

like there's so much, this is just a few reasons why i like him bc i can't think of all of them off the top of my head but i'm happy to talk about him whenever

[mahoushojo-chan]

Astarion x Tav || dissociation

something i wanted to feel

warnings: dissociation, ptsd, trauma synopsis: disguised as a drow, tav finds astarion after he's reverted back to old, unhealthy ways of using his body. she brings him back. When Astarion hears her normal voice, he feels soothed. “You weren’t here, fully. I wanted to bring you back.” She explains, like it’s the simplest thing. “If I let you continue, it felt like I would lose you.” she continues. an excerpt of 'cause my love (is mine, all mine) word count: 1,001 pairing: astarion/tav other tags: f!reader, half-elf?tav, bard!tav, hurt/comfort, angst, non-sexual intimacy, friends to lovers, song inspo: sanctuary by joji ao3: here concept: dissociation and grounding techniques

The elf—half elf, maybe, based off the point of their ear? They grab Astarion’s wrist to stop him, and pull him away. “P-Put on your clothes, first.”

There's something off, like the pieces of the puzzle don't quite fit together. The man before him appears unnaturally flawless, almost like plastic rather than real flesh. Confused, Astarion takes a step back.

“Well, if that’s… what you wish.” Astarion replies and proceeds to redress himself. He's so bewildered by the situation that he foregoes any reverse strip-tease or other playful undressing antics; it completely escapes his thoughts. He simply puts his clothes back on, sliding his pants over his legs and fastening his belt. His shirt follows, and after it's on, he walks back over to the other person. Astarion supposes that this is okay. He hadn't exactly planned anything out, after all. Whether he’s naked or clothed while he does… whatever he’s going to do doesn’t matter to him at all.

"Now, where were we?" Astarion inquires, his hands gently cradling their artificial features, as he attempts to regain his focus.

However, they gently remove his hands from their face and clasp his hands in theirs, asking, "How does it feel?"

Astarion’s response is automatic. “Oh, it feels lovely. I’d love to see what other—”

“Ah-ah,” they tut, “tell me about my hands. How do they feel?”

Astarion takes a second. A hint of confusion prods at his mind for a second before he understands that he’s supposed to actually be using his body to relay these sensations. He looks down, and the discrepancy between how they look and feel strikes him again. “Well, they’re soft, of course. They’re… thin, and graceful…” he says, all compliments that he expects they would want to hear. But then his hand runs over their ring finger, and he blinks, because he feels a callous that he doesn’t see. Then, he begins to realize who he’s with. “There’s always a callous that never quite heals, here… and then the scar, and… well, you have a hangnail here. Your nails have grown out, Tav.”

He grins, finally thinking he’s realized their ruse. When he looks up, he sees Tav give a tired smile, though she’s still in her disguise.

Instead of ending it there, she continues with a pleased hum, “Are my hands warm?”

“Yes, always. A little warmer today, but—what are you doing?” Astarion interjects, confused.

She never answers him properly at times like these. Instead, she asks him, “Do I smell bad?”

Astarion takes some time to mull it over before he shakes his head. “No… no, you rarely do. Well, my tastes deviate from others, and I take quite a delight when you’re covered in blood, of course, but—”

“What do I smell like?”

He takes in a breath of air, and then deeply exhales. Her scent is familiar, now. “Like… well, something floral, usually. A little like parchment, maybe the slightest of resin…”

She dispels the disguise. Even though it's just the two of them, it seems a bit reckless, considering he’s not sure how they'll escape. However, Tav usually thinks ahead more than he does, and Astarion doesn't have the time to dwell on it as she continues her line of questioning, “And do I look okay?”

Now that he sees her for her, his gaze drops into something more affectionate. “Your hair never sits quite right, here.” He says, teasing the rebellious tuft of hair on her head before flattening it. “There. Now you look perfect.”

He lingers a little when she finally lets go of his hands. He feels a little disappointed, but she self-consciously helps to flatten her hair. Astarion takes the opportunity to finally ask, “Care to tell me what all that was about?”

When he hears her normal voice, he feels soothed. “You weren’t here, fully. I wanted to bring you back.” She explains, like it’s the simplest thing. “If I let you continue, it felt like I would lose you. My only regret is not coming sooner…” she continues.

Astarion blinks in surprise. He realizes he hadn’t particularly been in pain, and part of him still feels like he wants to get lost in his own head, but Tav’s soft explanation—though he’s not quite listening to it so much as he is just relaxing into the comforting cadence of her voice—keeps pulling him back out of it.

The almost liberating numbness is inexplicably nudged to the side by his desire to feel her again.

Then it dawns on him, the gravity of his recent actions—how he had behaved when he was still feeling like a puppet on strings. He remembers pinning her against the wall, pressing his lips to hers, and he stammers, "Oh—I'm sorry for... I mean, I didn't mean to—"

"It was never going to happen," she states, and Astarion experiences a brief pang, a sting in a vulnerable spot, just for a moment. It's as though she's saying, I'm never going to sleep with you, but that’s what he wants, isn’t it? He wants not to sleep with her. He wants something beyond mere physical intimacy, and he has that with Tav.

Seeing his confusion, she snaps him out of his reverie and tells him, “It didn’t mean anything.”

This, in a way, makes the feeling worse because Astarion interprets it as ‘forget it ever happened’. But given that he’s still rather embarrassed about the whole ordeal—the inability to recognize her, his behaviour—he’s actually okay with complying.

So he takes her hands this time and rests his forehead against hers. She feels as warm as he remembers.

Finally, he responds. “Thank you.”

She seems to let him rest for a moment, and he sees her whisper a word of healing. He feels some of the earlier bruises and gashes heal themselves, and it’s not perfect, but he feels significantly better. At that time, he finally separates from her. But then, now that he’s fully present, he sees her as she is—she seems tired, her features gaunt, but she seems relieved.

[ipatrichor]

dead boy detectives episode three thoughts

NIKO MY GIRL NIKO. i love her so much holy shit. she's just so effortlessly charming and so deeply, sincerely kind 😭 i would kill for her good lord the scene after they leave the devlin house? she was so scared for completely understandable reasons (i would not want to go to a house with an axe murderer ghost either, and she almost just died like the day before on top of that!) but she suits up and braves a Goddamn Coastal Storm (seriously, it was dark when she left and light when she found them meaning she was out there alone in the dark storm for a little while Minimum) to help her friends!! it's like. yeah she's pretty naive and easily scared (again, Reasonably so), but also she cares so goddamn much about her friends. im gonna cry dude

also this episode really is giving me everything i asked for huh. i asked for niko joining the gang and changing their dynamics, and we got that incredibly sweet scene with edwin at the library. i asked for the bickering to stay while dynamics grow and evolve, and edwin & crystal have a scene where they still snipe at each other while working well together to rescue charles and appreciating each other's skills and knowledge. i asked for charles backstory, and holy shit. this show really does have it all huh

okay speaking of charles. i love love love what we got this episode. i mean yeah i kinda guessed his dad wasn't great from what he'd said before, but i was also second-guessing myself a little because well, if he was that bad charles probably wouldn't be checking on him to make sure he's okay, right? and then we get that reveal, and damn. god it was so cool to see something actually really hit charles, because he's mostly a chill guy! sure, he's gotten annoyed and stuff, but it never seems to last long and i've been really looking forward to seeing what'll break that composure. this episode did not disappoint holy shit

speaking of which. idk if it was just the dad's abuse that was affecting him so much... this is an odd theory, but hear me out. it's making me kind of wonder if the reason he was so deeply affected was because his dad was involved with his death somehow. iirc his cause of death was drowning or something? hypothermia maybe i do not remember but i remember something about injuries like broken ribs or something. and i dunno i'm starting to wonder if those injuries were from his dad and they contributed to his death. or maybe im completely wrong and it hit him so hard to see a man kill his wife and daughters because he's spent the decades since his death afraid his dad will do that to his mom! who knows! only time will tell, but i am so intrigued

also i actually really love that him repressing so much doesn't get resolved. like yes girl keep deflecting from your trauma until you get overwhelmed and have a messy breakdown where everything explodes. and like yeah his friends know he's keeping shit to himself now, but that's. really not something it's easy to bring up so really the most they can do is let him know they're there for him and keep an eye out. which is probably harder to do with So Many Goddamn Enemies.

like okay let's count we've got esther + monty, crystal's demon ex, death's scottish secretary (idk her name or job sorry. the lady who played the witch mom on supernatural. rowena??? girl idk i didn't finish s5), the cat king (not necessarily evil but he is literally keeping them trapped so), miscellaneous enemies/villains each episode like the sprites or the misery wraith (terrifying btw! i Do Not like that thing on a personal level but i appreciate it thematically 👍), and ALSO Literal Death is basically looming over them as an existential and also very literal threat. girl this is crazy there is So Much going on how the fuck is this show only 8 episodes

crystal's memories... i actually really like that she might've been an asshole. like yeah you could argue her ex was influencing her (either supernaturally or just like peer pressure) but i actually think it's more interesting if he wasn't and she was just willing to be an asshole. and also maybe endanger people's lives?? idk what was up with dropping a large rock on moving cars but it didn't seem like anyone died bc he would for sure have leveraged that against her so. but i just think it's more interesting and compelling if she has to deal with like... yeah she was an asshole. what now? she can't change it, she's just got to live with it and choose to do better

also back to charles bc that scene will not stay out of my head. his actor is so good... the subtle emotional nuance in his facial expressions... i may need to rewatch the episode everything about his acting is so good. also charles getting stuck in the loop was fucking chilling- i didn't expect hitting the dad to work really, I thought it'd do nothing or go through him, but when he caught the cricket bat and hit charles with the axe i actually gasped. and then just sitting there unmoving and unseeing until the loop restarts and he vanishes... girl that was terrifying. like would they kill off charles like that? no I don't believe so, not in episode 3 of 8. however it was genuinely scary i didn't know if something fucked up would happen that he'd need a while to recover from or something. im glad he's okay physically at least, even if mentally is debatable :')

monty... what do i say about monty. he's cute and so awkwardly charming- if we hadn't seen that he's esther's familiar i would've been rooting for him to be a side character who shows up every now and then, kinda like jenny y'know? but because we know he's part of her revenge, i'm spending his scenes side-eyeing him like hey. the hell is that about. however i will say it's better knowing so we can stress about what his plan is instead of having him introduced as just a guy and then being a traitor or something. idk i like the dread and suspicion! it's a quality writing choice

i will say though, there's one thing about him that's making me side-eye him even harder. why did he antagonize charles? if he's trying to ingratiate himself with the boys + crystal and earn their trust, being a dick to one of them won't help. does esther's plan rely on isolating edwin? why? and if it's not her plan, why is he singling out edwin specifically? idk many questions lots to consider!!

in conclusion, this is such a good show and each episode just keeps getting better. i'm jumping right into episode four, i just wanted to organize my thoughts here first haha

[amethystina]

Hello ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

I hope you’re doing better, both physically and mentally. I know you’ve been through a lot recently, and I truly hope you’re finding moments of peace and comfort in this difficult time.

I wanted to reach out because I usually connect with your thoughts on The Devil Judge, and I’m curious to see if we align on this perspective as well. I've noticed that many in the fandom view Yohan as being kinder and more selfless than he seems, believing he truly cares about people and their struggles. But from my perspective, it feels different. I think Yohan recognizes others' pains, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he empathizes deeply with them or feels much sympathy.

What do you think?

it’s always a pleasure to hear your thoughts.

May the rest of your day be filled with moments of calm and joy.

Hi there 💜

Unfortunately, I'm not doing the greatest but, well, that's sort of the norm right now? It could be worse, in all honesty. Me and my wife have some friends visiting from our university days, though, which is lovely! But that also means I'm going to be even more absent from here this coming week. Just a head's up.

Anyhow! Since I don't really read fics or metas for The Devil Judge I admit that I don't know what the consensus of the fandom is on any given subject. Except, perhaps, what I can glimpse in comments on my fics or in the asks I receive here on Tumblr. This means that whatever opinions I express are usually my own without influence from anyone else, which makes them very subjective, pretty limited, and, perhaps, not as well-rounded as if I had spent time discussing them with someone else. And I just want everyone to remember that whenever I answer one of these asks.

These are my opinions but I'm not going to claim that I'm right or that my thoughts are the only valid ones. They might, in fact, be spectacularly wrong since I never run them by anyone before I express them.

So, with that out of the way: Yo Han is not a kind man.

That's not to say that he's incapable of compassion or empathy, but his ability to relate to other people is, at the very least, severely stunted. I know that some think that he must have an antisocial personality disorder but, personally, I'm not comfortable diagnosing him with anything. I'm just not qualified to make that kind of assessment.

But what I can say is that he's definitely not a very considerate man.

But, as with all things Yo Han, the subject is a little more complex than that — and stems back to his childhood and past trauma.

To make a long story short, I think that Yo Han is emotionally mature and intelligent enough to recognise right from wrong. I also agree with you that he can see when people are in pain and, in some ways, probably relate to them. But what he actually does with that information depends entirely on who the person is and what scale we're talking about.

Because, as we see in the drama, Yo Han doesn't really care what happens to the people outside of his small, chosen circle. He was clearly shaken when Han So Yoon was kidnapped and K died, for example, but the unidentifiable mass of "the Korean people" doesn't interest him as much. Yo Han is incredibly loyal, yes, and capable of a fierce, all-consuming kind of love, but it's reserved for a selected few.

As for everyone else?

Not his problem.

And while that's pretty uncaring — ruthless, even — I think it's in part because of his childhood. He was so isolated that he can't really relate to people, only made worse by the fact that his mind probably doesn't work like most people's do. So even if he deeply loves someone, his empathy is still a bit patchy. He's used to pushing through pain and heartache and doesn't quite seem to understand that other people aren't — or at least not to the extent that he does it. Yo Han is a master at compartmentalising but doesn't understand that he's an outlier in that.

And so his ability to relate to people and understand their pain is severely limited. Because he's not working with the same variables as everyone else. Something that will barely faze him is enough to completely break someone else and despite being so clever, I don't think he understands that.

And it's even worse when you look at it on a wider scale. He's even less sympathetic when it's people he doesn't know personally and, quite frankly, I don't think he wants to care about nameless strangers. Yo Han protects and sympathises with the people closest to him — the ones he can see and touch and feel — but he doesn't waste emotional or mental bandwidth on everyone else. In some ways, he might not be capable of that. Because, again, the isolation he was put through as a child probably left quite a lot of scars and made him unable to connect with people in a healthy way.

He's not like Ga On, who genuinely cares about the fate of the common man and their country as a whole. I think that Yo Han sees the suffering and clearly doesn't mind doing a kind act here and there when he gets the opportunity — like donating the prison warden's money — but I still wouldn't call him a kind or a considerate man. He can be but also chooses not to be more often than not.

It doesn't come instinctively to him the way it does for Ga On.

Again, that's not to say that Yo Han doesn't know how to be kind — of course he does — but I don't think he views it the same way most people do. It's almost as if he thinks that kindness is a finite resource and therefore hesitates to waste it on people he doesn't care about on a personal level.

So no, I don't think he genuinely cares about other people's struggles and pain to the degree most people do. But it's not necessarily because he's evil or anything like that, but rather because he's so guarded. I've touched on it a couple of times in Who Holds the Devil, but I think that Yo Han is very cautious to reveal what he wants or admit when he cares about someone, simply because he's afraid of having it taken away or losing the person in question.

And if he were to care about every suffering citizen in South Korea the way Ga On does? I don't think Yo Han could handle that. I think he's shielding himself from that kind of commitment out of sheer self-preservation because every time he cares about someone, he leaves himself vulnerable for heartbreak. And he's not really equipped to deal with that heartbreak should it happen (again: emotionally stunted and childhood trauma)

In some ways, I think Yo Han is too scared to fully care about other people and, even when he does, he's always bracing himself for what he thinks is the inevitable pain of losing them.

But he does want to connect with people. Which means that he can probably learn to be more considerate of people he doesn't love on a personal level, but, again, I'm not sure if he wants to. At least not during the drama or even shortly after it. I think Yo Han is perfectly fine with being the way he is. He doesn't want to be a hero and has no interest in philanthropy — aside from how it might boost his reputation or, alternatively, punish those he thinks are behaving badly (like the prison warden).

But a couple of years down the line if he and Ga On are a couple? I think that Ga On could wear him down enough that Yo Han regularly donates to good causes and such. But Yo Han would do it more because he wants to indulge Ga On than out of any feeling of responsibility of his own. Because, when it comes down to it, I think Yo Han doesn't have any love and devotion to spare for the people outside his immediate circle. Taking care of them is difficult enough what with his upbringing and struggles to understand relationships.

Just like Yo Han says in the drama: I don't care if humanity falls as long as I have you two.

That's what he cares about most and even if he's capable of kindness and compassion, he saves it for the people he thinks matter. But even then I don't think he can empathise as deeply as most people would. Because he just doesn't understand that not everyone has his ability to compartmentalise and briskly deal with their emotions and trauma. I suspect that he thinks that Ga On is a bit too emotional a lot of the time. And even if Yo Han loves Ga On with every fibre of his being, he also thinks that Ga On's inability to control his emotions is both impractical and annoying — maybe even silly. Because Yo Han just doesn't get it.

He can't put himself in Ga On's shoes or understand that some people are just more emotional and need more frequent outlets for said emotions.

So yeah. I don't think that Yo Han is a particularly compassionate or considerate person, and he struggles to fully understand the people he loves, too. It's easier for him to be kind to them, at least, but he can't really empathise with them, either. But I would argue that it's not really his fault so much as a result of his childhood, all the trauma, and how he is a person. And it doesn't mean he's incapable of love or taking care of people — he's just very selective and, sometimes, he'll stumble because he doesn't understand what the fuck is going on x'D

In short: He's a disaster, your honour.

[nikolaidelphiki]

Since a total of zero people asked me: here are my opinions on Palia non-romancable NPCs after playing the game for about 100 or so hours. And as always SPOILERs:

Ashura: You are my dad. You're my dad. Boogie-ooogie-oogie. I actually don't take to him as much as I should.The fact that he was the chill one in his family makes so much sense. He's such a calming presence. But of course there's the Regrets.

Delaila: Ok but why is she the few Older adult Majiri OG in Kilima? Like have you noticed that she's kinda the only one that's originally from the village? Like, where did she come from? Is she the real leader? Did she secretly take everyone out that she didn't like and replace them with people lured in my her homecooking? Things to think about.

Kenli: What happens when you don't give a nepotism baby a coming-of-age redemption arc. This guy is just trying his best. He likes sandwiches and cute fluffy animals. His best friend is the town priest. But despite it all man understands capitalism like no other (see Maji Market).

Caleri: She's a fav. Maybe I'm projecting but I too would die for my books and eat sleep and breathe in the library. Intelligent, unbothered by village happenings. Yet, keeps a detailed leger of each book bowers status upon the borrowed book's return. However, deeply unhappy with the cards life has delt her. I try to bring her all the glass bulbs so she can read into the night.

Elouisa: The only real G's out there. Sending me on impossible tasks to prove her theories and beat to cryptid allegations. Of course she's the older twin. Intelligent, bothered by village happenings when it comes to her projects. Still watches over her sister and cares in her own way. I love her.

Badruu: Comedic genius. I'm pretty sure when he gave up the bard life for farming, he realized he needed to put his funny guy hat on and has been spitting puns ever since. And yet despite the dad jokes, he asks me me, the amnesiad human for parenting advice. The absolute honor. Also, I just need to see him talk with Einar, PLEASE. The comedic fallout would be unmatched.

Najuma: I make the journey to Bahari Bay every day just for her. Because 1) thanks for the glider I use that every day 2) we are besties and 3) it's good to keep a genius that can blow stuff up on your side idk. We may have different types of Momma Trauma but we are still going to bond over it.

Chayne: I don't interact with him much idk. His dad's raised him right I think. Basically, caretaker for the entire village. Also my Shepp-in-law, grand-Shepp?? idk

Hekla: Jina's caretaker. A bit aloof at first. I also don't interact with Hekla much, but one day I'mma find out what's in the tent.

Sifuu: That's my Shepp! Also a problematic mother that doesn't really understand her child and yearns for days of adventure. And ripped. There's something to be said that she gave me an ornamental sword as a gift. Like insta-loyalty from me even if I wasn't romantically pursuing your son.

Auni: We babe who needed someone is his bug hunting club but mysteriously sucks at hunting most bugs if his item requests are anything to go by. The fact that he ran away from home for the exact length of time that his delivery shift is and wondered why no one was worried is absolutely hilarious and yes I read his journal and laughed.

Zeki: First of all, why is Zeki the only one selling toilets and they are contraband? Has anyone asked this? Is it like illegal to use indoor plumbing and Zeki has the monopoly?? Secondly, I know this fool is scamming me and when I finally get enough gold I'ma buy out him and his whole underground establishment. Respectfully, of course.

Eshe: If Eshe has zero haters, I'm dead. Just because she didn't get with the politically powerful sibling, she makes it everyone else's problem while somehow still efficiently running the village. Even I gotta admit no one's doing it like her. Another member of the problematic mom club but don't tell her she's been grouped with Sifuu. She'll pitch a fit.

Tau: The fact that there's only one of him is a crime. The only good boy.